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: Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home. Uncle Rico
: She didn't tell me anything. Napoleon Dynamite
: Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak. Uncle Rico
: I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon. Napoleon Dynamite
: Get off my property! Uncle Rico
: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want. Napoleon Dynamite
: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you. Uncle Rico
: Well then do it! Go on! Napoleon Dynamite
: Maybe I will, GOSH!
: So what do you think? Kip
: It's pretty cool, I guess. Uncle Rico
: Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state. Napoleon Dynamite
: This is pretty much the worst video ever made. Kip
: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that. Uncle Rico
: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave. Napoleon Dynamite
: You guys are retarded!
: [Using the time machine, which is an electric probe between his legs
] Ow! Ow! Ow! Kill the pow... It kills! My pack! Ow! Turn it off! Turn it off, Kip!
[Kip pulls the electrical cord out, and Napoleon yanks off the headband
] Napoleon Dynamite
: It's a piece of crap it doesn't work! Uncle Rico
: Well, I could've told you that.
[Uncle Rico is standing in the hall, leaning over in pain and looking disappointed
: What about your girlfriend? Kip
: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.
: [talking about the breast enhancers
] Why don't you sell some to your girlfriend. Might as well do somethin' while you're doing nothin'. Kip
: Because she doesn't NEED any, that's why!
: How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.
[Deb is making a glamour shot of Uncle Rico
: Okay, turn you head on more of a slant...
[all three turn their heads in a slant
: Now, make a fist. Slowly ease it up underneath your chin.
[all three slowly ease up fists under their chins
: This is looking really good. Kip
: You can say that again.
[Uncle Rico acknowledges
: Kay, hold still right there. Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.
[Uncle Rico pictures it and give a gleaming look at the camera
: [takes the picture
] That was the one. I think that's gonna come out really nice. Uncle Rico
: Ah, how you did it... wow... well I felt really relaxed. Thanks Deb.
[Uncle Rico puts his fist down, then swats a fly
] Uncle Rico
: You're up Kip. Kip
: Is there some kind of vest that I can wear?
[makes gesture of putting on a vest
: I'm just really trying to raise a few bucks now so I can bring her out for a few days. Uncle Rico
: Yeah, well what does she look like? Kip
: She's uh... she's got sandy blonde hair. She's uh... pretty good looking face, but I'm just getting really... just kinda T.O.'d because... I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.
: What are you doing here, Uncle Rico? Uncle Rico
: Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx.
: Kip, I reckon... you know a lot about... cyberspace? You ever come across anything... like time travel? Kip
: Easy, I've already looked into it for myself. Uncle Rico
: Right on... right on.
: So, how long are we talkin' about workin'? Uncle Rico
: What? Are you? You're already losing your steam? Kip
: No. I just... I have a chat room meeting at 4:00. I gotta be back here by then. Uncle Rico
: All right, you just start a little earlier. That's all. Kip
: All right. Uncle Rico
: Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room? Kip
: Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe... maybe not. I don't know. Uncle Rico
: You... You? You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like, for minutes on the phone? Kip
: Yeah. Grandma's still payin' per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes 'cause I'm on there so long. Uncle Rico
: I'll bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwin' you out the window.
: So when's grandma coming back? Uncle Rico
: I don't know. Not sure. Napoleon Dynamite
: You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies. Uncle Rico
: Ha ha! Talk to your Auntie Carolyn. Napoleon Dynamite
: Kip is like 32 years old. Kip
: I don't mind if you stay.
: [Napoleon brings a box of assorted chips to the cash register line
] Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack! What, do you think money grows on trees in this family? Take it back! And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it.
: We also need some way to make us look official, like we got all the answers. Kip
: How bout some gold bracelets? Uncle Rico
: We need like some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and what not. I mean, we gotta look legit man. Kip
: That's true, that's true.
: I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon. Napoleon Dynamite
: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up! Uncle Rico
: I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is makin' 120 bucks.
[pulls a check out of his shirt pocket
] Napoleon Dynamite
: I could make that much money in five seconds! Kip
: Geez. Yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today. Uncle Rico
: Napoleon, it's looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina. Napoleon Dynamite
: Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap!
: [Napoleon walks up to Trisha's house to ask her out
] Is Trisha here? Ilene
: Oh, I'm sorry, she's not. She's at a friend's house, right now. Uncle Rico
: [from inside Trisha's house, hard at work
] Well, hey, Napoleon... Napoleon's m'nephew. Ilene
: Oh, that's nice. Napoleon Dynamite
: Could you just give this to her for me?
[hands Ilene a drawing of Trisha
: I certainly could. Napoleon Dynamite
[Ilene returns to Uncle Rico on the sofa
] Uncle Rico
: Poor kid. I've been takin' care of him while his grandma's in the hospital. He still wets the bed and everything. Ilene
: You're kidding. Uncle Rico
: Yeah, he's a tender little guy. He still gets beat up and what-not. Uncle Rico
: Anyway uh... so we still feelin' pretty good about this, uh, 32-piece set, here?
: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile. Kip
: Are you serious? Uncle Rico
: I'm dead serious.
: [stops reading the 'Bust Must' testimonial
] I don't feel comfortable reading this. Uncle Rico
: Oh, that's fine, that's fine. But do you feel comfortable with me?
[Rex drives up outside the home
] Uncle Rico
: [getting down two sauce pans from above the kitchen sink
] You could be... somewhere around... here
[positions the pots in front of her breasts
: [walks in and sees what Rico's up to. He pounds his fist into his other hand
] Come here, boy!
[from outside the home, we hear Rico drop the pans, and commotion as Rex teaches him a lesson, and Rico yelping in pain
[Uncle Rico is trying to sell tupperwear to a couple and is demonstrating its strength
] Uncle Rico
: Lance, you look like a strong, young pup. Why don't you see if you can give that a tear. Uncle Rico
: [Lance grabs the bowl and unsuccessfully tries to flex it and break it
] Don't hurt yourself now. Lance
] I can't do it. Lance
: [Even more ashamed, looking down at the table
: Now, if you guys decide to invest in the twenty four piece set, I'm going to throw in a little gift. Uncle Rico
: [He reaches under the table and pulls out a miniature sailboat model
] Bet you folks don't have one of these, now do yah? Shoney
: [Looks to her husband, almost speechless
] I want that...
: [Napoleon giving him an angry stare
] I wish you wouldn't look at me like that Napoleon. Napoleon Dynamite
: I wish you would get out of my life and shut up! Uncle Rico
: Let me tell you something Napoleon while your out their playing Patty cake with your friend Pedro, your uncle Rico make hundred and twenty bucks. Napoleon Dynamite
: I can make that much money in five seconds! Kip
: Geez yeah right Napoleon I made like seventy five bucks today. Uncle Rico
: Napoleon looks like you don't have a job, so why don't you go out there and fees Tina. Napoleon Dynamite
: Why don't you go eat a decorded piece of crap!