Ellen Griswold
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Quotes for
Ellen Griswold (Character)
from National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)

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National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)
Clark: Could I do your back, honey?
Ellen Griswold: I've already done my back.
Clark: Could I do your front?
Ellen Griswold: Go do your own front.

Audrey Griswold: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?
Ellen Griswold: Find a bush Audrey!

Ellen Griswold: [after the bartender shoots at Clark] Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.
Clark Griswald: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Clark Griswald: I said didn't you think it was real?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Ellen Griswold: Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.
Clark Griswald: Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.

Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world.
Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
Clark: Make that the second biggest.

Ellen Griswold: [into a phone] I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives and he was... Clark!

Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.

[after driving off the road]
Ellen Griswold: I think I broke my nose.
Rusty Griswold: I stabbed my brain.
Audrey Griswold: I just got my period.

Rusty Griswold: Is that a real gun, Mom?
Ellen Griswold: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father... may be going away for a little while.

Rusty Griswold: Mom, my sandwich is all wet.
Ellen Griswold: They're all wet... Oh God!... The dog wet on the picnic basket.

Ellen Griswold: Gee Cath looks like you really got your hands full.
Catherine: Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.

Ellen Griswold: Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here.
Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane... and he...
[pointing to Clark]
Aunt Edna: He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be BEHIND BARS!
Ellen Griswold: SIT down and SHUT UP! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!

Ellen Griswold: The next time you have one of your outbursts, I'd really appreciate it if you think about the consideration of our kids.
Clark: What are you talking about?
Ellen Griswold: You don't know? After everything that happened, you still don't get it?
Clark: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen Griswold: Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!

[In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain]
Ellen Griswold: We can't leave her on the patio!
Clark: Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?

[looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat]
Ellen Griswold: She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do, Clark?
Clark Griswald: Well, we could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we could call your Cousin Normie and he could come and get her, I guess.
Ellen Griswold: That is the meanest, coldest...
Clark Griswald: Well what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?
Audrey Griswold: Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!
Rusty Griswold: Yeah, come on, Mom. It'll be real easy for Cousin Normie to find her. All they have to do is look for the buzzards.

Ellen Griswold: Don't just blurt it out about Edna dying.
Clark Griswald: How about if I ask him to play 20 Questions?
[Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no anwser]
Clark Griswald: Oh, for chrissake, he isn't even home!
Ellen Griswold: Maybe the neighbors know where he is.
Clark Griswald: The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.
Ellen Griswold: Normie's always been flighty.
Clark Griswald: He's always been a jackoff...
Ellen Griswold: Would you watch your mouth!

Aunt Edna: You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Ellen Griswold: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Clark: Clark.
Aunt Edna: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?

[Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]
Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her... give her a break.
Ellen Griswold: Clark... Clark... This is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best, OK?

Clark: Aah, what d'ya say honey? Ohh. Despite all the little problems, it really is fun isn't it?
Ellen Griswold: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.

Ellen Griswald: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.
Clark Griswald: No, it isn't.

Clark Griswald: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.
Ellen Griswald: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.
Audrey Griswald: Yes, he can!
Clark Griswald: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.

Aunt Edna: Did you tell Clark and Ellen the good news?
Catherine: [nervously] Uh, no; I was just about to.
Ellen Griswold: Good news, what good news, Catherine?
Aunt Edna: You're driving me to Phoenix!
[Clark begins choking on his hamburger]

Ellen Griswold: Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart.
Audrey Griswold: Let's not overdo it, mom.
Ellen Griswold: Shut up.

Aunt Edna: I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles!
Rusty Griswold: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...
Ellen Griswold: He was speeding, Rusty!
Rusty Griswold: No he wasn't, Mom. He...
Clark: Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids...
[the motorcycle cop appears at the car window with the dog leash]
Motorcycle Cop: Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.

Ellen Griswold: Clark, I need my vanity case. We've got to go back and look for it. All my credit cards are in it.
Clark: Honey, Number 1: I've already called the bank and told them you lost them. B: there's no way we're going to find it when we don't even know where it fell off. And 3: I've got my credit cards and we've still got plenty of cash. OK?

Ellen Griswold: No, we don't. You gave $500 to Eddie, and everything on this safari has cost twice as much as you figured out.
Clark: Honey, there's nothing in that luggage that can't be replaced. Except for your... diaphragm. We can always cash a check down the road. Don't you trust me?
Ellen Griswold: As long as you don't tie me to the rear bumper.
Clark: That hurt, Ellen.

Ellen Griswold: [leaving the house] I turned off the water, the stove, the heat and the air, locked the door, notified the police, stopped the papers. I called to get the grass cut. Did I put the timers on the living-room lights?

[Clark punches the Marty Moose statue]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, what are you doing?
Clark: We watch his program... We buy his toys, we go to his movies... he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? Fucking-A right he owes us!

Clark Griswald: [to the Dodge City bartender] Hey Knucklehead, set us up with four Red eye's will ya?
[the bartender ignors him]
Clark Griswald: Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you!
[the bartender glares at Clark]
Clark Griswald: Hey Tender foot, move your chicken wings turkey!
[the bartender angrily glares at Clark]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, that's not nice.
Clark Griswald: Relax, it's all part of the act.
[to the bartender]
Clark Griswald: Hey Underpants...
[the bartender pulls out a double-barrled shotgun and shoots Clark!]

[repeated line]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, what are you doing?

Ellen Griswold: This is so dangerous, Clark. We have no business being in this neighborhood.
Clark: Oh I don't know, hun. It gives us a chance to see a part of America we don't get to see.
Ellen Griswold: That's a GOOD thing!
Clark: Not it's not. We can't just ignore the plight of the inner cities. See the plight kids?
[gun shots and a scream are heard]
Clark: Roll em' up!


National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.

Ellen: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

Ellen: Welcome to our home - what's left of it.

Uncle Lewis: [Clark is cleaning up the garbage off the kitchen floor after the dog went through it] Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey.
Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Ellen: Are you okay?

Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.
Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.

Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.

Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays...
Clark: Goodnight Ellen
Ellen: Vacations, graduations...

Ellen: Clark! I don't want to spend the Holidays dead!

Mr. Frank Shirley: I have never been treated like this in my life.
Ellen: I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.

Ellen: [sees Clark standing up and looking out the window] Aren't you having any breakfast?
Clark: I'm not in the mood.
Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.


National Lampoon's European Vacation (1985)
Stewardess: Do you want something to drink?
Clark Griswold: [to Ellen] Honey, you want something?
Ellen Griswold: No thank you.
Clark Griswold: [to the Stewardess] I'll have a Coke.
Stewardess: Do you want that in the can?
Clark Griswold: [Clark turns and looks at the bathroom, then turns back at the Stewardess] No, I'll have it right here.

[In England]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, you're driving on the wrong side of the road!
Clark Griswold: I realize that honey. I'm also on the wrong side of the car.

Ellen Griswold: Look back there!
Clark Griswold: Yeah, it's just a hooker. They're all over the place.
Ellen Griswold: Look who she's with!
[Clark looks back, and sees that Rusty is with the hooker]

Ellen Griswold: Clark, why don't we just forget the "Pig-in-a-Poke" itinerary, and just play it by ear, like normal people?
Clark Griswold: Honey, we're not normal people. We're the Griswolds.

Ellen Griswold: [In their hotel room in England, Ellen opens a door, only to find a closet, and discovering there is no bathroom] Clark, there's no bathroom.
Clark Griswold: Of course there's a bathroom. Europeans go to the bathroom, don't they?
[Clark opens the door to his left to find another closet with a mattress inside]
Clark Griswold: Maybe they don't.

Ellen Griswold: [dead silence as no-one is answering the final question] ... Clark!
Kent Winkdale, host of 'Pig in a Poke': That's it. Clark... of Lewis and Clark. And the Griswold's are our grand prize winners!

Jack: [Audrey is reading Jack's letter] Dear Audrey, I miss the shit out of you. Luckily, Debbie is been coming by to cheer me up.
Audrey Griswold: That bitch!
Ellen Griswold: Something that matter, Audrey?
Audrey Griswold: No.


Vegas Vacation (1997)
Ellen Griswold: [Clark and Ellen have found Rusty in the hot tub] Oh my Lord... Rusty!
Girl in Hot Tub: Oh, you must be lost. This is Mr. Pappagiorgio.
Clark Griswold: His name is not Pappagiorgio! His name is Rusty Griswold and he's a C+ student! Now out of the pool, let's go young man! Now!
[Clark yanks Rusty out of the hot tub]

Wayne Newton: Ellen, I've always been a moral man. But my resolve is melting in the light of your blinding smile.
Ellen Griswold: Um, maybe you're just hungry, would you like some more pasta?

Ellen Griswold: Well, I hope you kids have learned something about the dangers of gambling.

Clark Griswold: *Ellen switches off the TV* Hard six coming out.
Ellen Griswold: What?
Clark Griswold: Hit me. *Ellen slaps him in the dark*
Clark Griswold: Ow.