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: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Eddie
: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
: What are you looking at? Clark
: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet
: Shitter was full. Clark
: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey? Ellen
: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better. Clark
: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Clark
: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
: You surprised to see us, Clark? Clark
: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
[talking about Snot, Eddie's dog
: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die. Clark
: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.
: [Referring to the electrocuted cat
] If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all.
: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.
: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City. Eddie
: [after a pause
] You serious, Clark?
[Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet
: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
: [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon
] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark.
[to Mr. Shirley
: You about ready to do some kissing?
: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain... Eddie
: I appreciate that, Clark. Clark
: ...Is innocent.
: [Clark looks down at the jello and sees that it's trimmed with cat food
] Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello? Eddie
: I don't know about the cat, but *I* sure am enjoying it.
: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels? Eddie
: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it? Clark
: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
[Raises glass to his mouth
: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
[Clark nearly chokes on his drink
: Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.
: [holding Aunt Bethany's present
] This one here, is leaking.
[Ellen sticks her finger in the leak. Eddie leans over and sucks it off her finger
: It's lime!
: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come. Eddie
: Yeah I'm excited about it too.
: [to Rocky
] You got a kiss for me? Eddie
: Better take a rain check on that, Art - he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet...
: She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.
: [Revealing his Christmas "bonus"
] It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club. Eddie
: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.
: If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player. Clark
: What about the kids? Eddie
: His kids can fend for themselves.
: Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago? Clark
: No, we missed out on that one.
: No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few thing I shouldn't have. Mr. Frank Shirley
: Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year. Clark
: Yeah. Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company. I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine. But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain... Rusty Griswold
: Sucks. Clark
: Thank you, Russ. My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain... Eddie
: Appreciate that, Clark. Clark
: Is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
Mr. Frank Shirley
: [to Clark
] You're fired! And where's the phone? I'm calling the police! Eddie
: Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, was my idea. Mr. Frank Shirley
: All right, he's still fired. And, *you*, are going to jail!
: Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a real treat! Eddie
: Save the neck for me, Clark. Clark
: Okay Eddie...
: [the Christmas dinner table shudders, and loud gagging noises come from underneath. Clark looks to see where its coming from
] Edward, what's wrong with the dog? Eddie
: [Looks underneath the table
] Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.
[Grotesque barfing noises
: He's got it up!
[Winks at Clark that everything's okay
: Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table? Eddie
: No. No, he's probably just been nosing through the trash.
[Shows kitchen, which looks like the city dump
: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain't as strong so I don't know if I should go sailin down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Clark
: You really think it matters, Eddie?
: [Clark and Eddie are carrying the chair outside after the cat was electrocuted
] You smell something? Eddie
: Fried pussycat.
: I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose. Clark Griswold
: Thanks for the pick me up Eddie.
: It is a blazer out there. You're lucky you got air conditioning in here like mother nature intended.
: Eddie, has anyone ever told you you're bad luck? Cousin Eddie
: Those were my mother's dying words. But I guess if your body's covered in third degree burns, and your foot's caught in a bear trap, you tend to start talkin' crazy.
Hoover Dam Guide
: Welcome everyone. I am your dam guide, Arnie. Now I'm about to take you through a fully funtional power plant, so please, no one wander off the dam tour and please take all the dam pictures you want. Now are there any dam questions? Cousin Eddie
: Yeah, where can I get some damn bait?
: Come on, Clark, the night is young... they're giving away free hot sandwiches at the blood bank.
: Eddie, I gambled away more money than you'll ever understand. Cousin Eddie
: Try me. Clark Griswold
] Twenty-two thousand eight hundred dollars. Cousin Eddie
] Oh God! Oh God! Oh my shhhhooddd! Oh God! Oh my God!
: Every time I belch, the plate shifts and my legs give out. But man, what a view.
: OH MY GOD... it's Wayne Newton! Can I be your bodyguard? I'd die for ya.
[stares at Wayne and pats his head
: That's it Clark... show him who's boss. It's people like you who come here and blow the family nest egg that built this town... not this pretty boy!
: [inside the sleezy casino
] I need to go somewhere a man can think. Cousin Eddie
: Oh, oh I wouldn't do that here Clark, the stalls are awefully dirty and they're backed up all the time. Clark Griswold
: No, Eddie, I need to be alone. Cousin Eddie
: Oh, oh I see, ya want me to go with ya? Clark Griswold
: Allright,come on.
: Oh yeah, Yuban Coffee. You know you can sprinkle that stuff on anything? Ice cream, mashed potatoes, or just eat it right out of the can for a quick pick me up.
: How do you like yours, Clark? Clark
: Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside. Cousin Eddie
: No, I mean your bun.
: So, this is the old homestead, eh? Cousin Eddie
: Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The bank's been after me like flies on a rib roast.
: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark? Clark
: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.
: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.
: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie? Cousin Eddie
: Oh, nothing but the best.
: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint. Cousin Eddie
: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash? Clark
: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need? Cousin Eddie
: About $52,000.
: Yeah, I bet you could use a cool one, eh? Clark
: Now you're talking!
[Eddie hands Clark his opened beer he'd been drinking and opens the last fresh one for himself
: [at the cookout
] Aunt Edna! Supper's gettin' cold! Clark Griswald
: [to Ellen
] Is that *your* Aunt Edna?
[Ellen slinks away from the table
[Eddie looks out his window while sitting in an airplane
] Edward 'Eddie' Johnson
: Hey, Third. All those people down there look like ants. Clark 'Third' Johnson
: [looks out the window
] Dad, those *are* ants. We haven't taken off yet. Edward 'Eddie' Johnson
: You mean... we're gonna go higher?