Clark Griswold
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Quotes for
Clark Griswold (Character)
from National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)

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National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)
Clark: Could I do your back, honey?
Ellen Griswold: I've already done my back.
Clark: Could I do your front?
Ellen Griswold: Go do your own front.

Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.

Mechanic 2: Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.
Clark: Yeah, well, I'm from out of town. So, what's the bill? Come on, come on, how much?
Mechanic 1: How much you got?
Clark: No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
Mechanic 1: And I'm asking how much you got!
Clark: You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to play around, OK? So how much is it?
Mechanic 1: [waving a wrench] All of it, boy!
Clark: What does your sheriff think of your business practices?
[Mechanic 1 laughs and shows Clark his sheriff's badge]

Clark: We're from out of town.
Man Giving Directions: No shit.

Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun, and I'm gonna have fun... We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! I must be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
Rusty Griswold: [Grabs Clark's shoulder] Dad, you want an aspirin?
Clark: Don't touch!

Cousin Eddie: How do you like yours, Clark?
Clark: Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.
Cousin Eddie: No, I mean your bun.

Ed, the car salesman: I'll get to the bottom of this. Davenport!
Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed?
Ed, the car salesman: Mr. Griswold ordered a blue sports wagon, where is it?
Davenport: I don't know sir.
Ed, the car salesman: [to Clark] I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.
Clark Griswald: Ed, I'm not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can't get it I'm gonna take my business elsewhere! Where's my old car?
Ed, the car salesman: I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car back and bring it back here! Now I can get you the wagon, there's not problem there. The problem is that it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster... You think you hate it now, wait 'til you drive it.
Clark Griswald: I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back. I'm not falling for this. Let's go, Russ

Ellen Griswold: [after the bartender shoots at Clark] Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.
Clark Griswald: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Clark Griswald: I said didn't you think it was real?
Audrey Griswold: What?
Ellen Griswold: Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.
Clark Griswald: Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.

Clark Griswald: Roy... can I call you Roy? Have you even driven cross-country?
Roy Walley: Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life. The smell from the back seat was terrible.
Clark Griswald: Ooooh. Ooooh, I know that smell. Roy, could you imagine if you had driven all the way to Florida and it was closed?
Roy Walley: Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.

Clark Griswald: So, this is the old homestead, eh?
Cousin Eddie: Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The bank's been after me like flies on a rib roast.

Clark: Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.

Clark: Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?

Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world.
Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
Clark: Make that the second biggest.

Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.

Clark: Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?

Clark: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best.

Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin Eddie: About $52,000.

Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.

Clark: This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!

Clark: I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were... if you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?
Roy Walley: No.

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: It's a BB gun!
Clark: Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.

Clark: I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?

Rusty Griswold: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards.
Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ...
[pauses as Rusty walks away]
Clark: [proudly] ... 50 yards...

Ellen Griswold: The next time you have one of your outbursts, I'd really appreciate it if you think about the consideration of our kids.
Clark: What are you talking about?
Ellen Griswold: You don't know? After everything that happened, you still don't get it?
Clark: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen Griswold: Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!

Clark: I'm making this out for one thousand dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash and keep 700 dollars, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.

[In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain]
Ellen Griswold: We can't leave her on the patio!
Clark: Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?

[looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat]
Ellen Griswold: She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do, Clark?
Clark Griswald: Well, we could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we could call your Cousin Normie and he could come and get her, I guess.
Ellen Griswold: That is the meanest, coldest...
Clark Griswald: Well what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?
Audrey Griswold: Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!
Rusty Griswold: Yeah, come on, Mom. It'll be real easy for Cousin Normie to find her. All they have to do is look for the buzzards.

Ellen Griswold: Don't just blurt it out about Edna dying.
Clark Griswald: How about if I ask him to play 20 Questions?
[Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no anwser]
Clark Griswald: Oh, for chrissake, he isn't even home!
Ellen Griswold: Maybe the neighbors know where he is.
Clark Griswald: The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.
Ellen Griswold: Normie's always been flighty.
Clark Griswald: He's always been a jackoff...
Ellen Griswold: Would you watch your mouth!

Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?
Pimp: Fuck yo mama!
Clark: Thank you very much.

Clark: [Edited TV version] Excuse me. Could you please tell how to get back on the expressway?
Pimp: Man, who do I look like, Christopher "Columbo"
Clark: Thank you very much.

[the kids are playing Pacman while Clark is designing a map on the computer]
Clark: Russ, please don't eat the Truckster.

[In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two native Americans on horses watch him]
Clark: We pass a damn gas station every hundred yards for a thousand miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!
[Coughs and continues to rant]
Cowboy: What an asshole.

Clark: Roll 'em up!

Clark: I've spent the last 15 years of my life developing newer and better food additives. I guess I've missed an awful lot. At first, I didn't want to take this vacation. But, now I'm glad I did. It's given me a chance to spend a lot more time with you and... uh...
Rusty: Audrey.
Clark: Audrey, yeah.

Aunt Edna: You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Ellen Griswold: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Clark: Clark.
Aunt Edna: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?

[Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]
Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her... give her a break.
Ellen Griswold: Clark... Clark... This is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best, OK?

Aunt Edna: Clark, Dinkums needs a long walk and a bath.
Clark: Rusty take care of Dinkums.
Rusty: Dad he bites.
Clark: Bite him back.

Clark: Aah, what d'ya say honey? Ohh. Despite all the little problems, it really is fun isn't it?
Ellen Griswold: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.

Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey you can't prove that Russ.

Ellen Griswald: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.
Clark Griswald: No, it isn't.

Clark Griswald: When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun.

Clark Griswald: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.
Ellen Griswald: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.
Audrey Griswald: Yes, he can!
Clark Griswald: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.

Cousin Eddie: Yeah, I bet you could use a cool one, eh?
Clark: Now you're talking!
[Eddie hands Clark his opened beer he'd been drinking and opens the last fresh one for himself]

Cousin Eddie: [at the cookout] Aunt Edna! Supper's gettin' cold!
Clark Griswald: [to Ellen] Is that *your* Aunt Edna?
[Ellen slinks away from the table]

Rusty Griswold: That was a crummy Wyatt Earp dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.
Clark: They used to Rusty.

Rusty Griswold: Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
Clark: Settle down Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
Ed, the car salesman: You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Clark: Metallic Pea?

Clark: [after being in the desert for too long, Clark begins to go insane] Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Dead. I'm dead. Taxi! Here boy! The heat. Darn. I'm dead. I'm finished. Hot! Hot!

Clark: [to the campground cashier] 37 dollars for three tents?

[Clark has just been pulled over by a Colorado motorcycle cop]
Clark: Hi officer, what's the problem?
Motorcycle Cop: Get out of the car!
[Clark exits from the car]
Clark: I don't think I was speeding. Was I weaving or something?
Motorcycle Cop: Shut your mouth, sir! You know, if I weren't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you can say, "police brutality!"
Clark: Well whatever I did, I'm sure I can explain...
[the motorcycle cop forcibily takes Clark by the arm and leads him to the rear of the car, which has a dog leash still tied to it]
Motorcycle Cop: Explain this, you son-of-a-bitch!
Clark: Oh my God...

Aunt Edna: I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles!
Rusty Griswold: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...
Ellen Griswold: He was speeding, Rusty!
Rusty Griswold: No he wasn't, Mom. He...
Clark: Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids...
[the motorcycle cop appears at the car window with the dog leash]
Motorcycle Cop: Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.

Ellen Griswold: Clark, I need my vanity case. We've got to go back and look for it. All my credit cards are in it.
Clark: Honey, Number 1: I've already called the bank and told them you lost them. B: there's no way we're going to find it when we don't even know where it fell off. And 3: I've got my credit cards and we've still got plenty of cash. OK?

Ellen Griswold: No, we don't. You gave $500 to Eddie, and everything on this safari has cost twice as much as you figured out.
Clark: Honey, there's nothing in that luggage that can't be replaced. Except for your... diaphragm. We can always cash a check down the road. Don't you trust me?
Ellen Griswold: As long as you don't tie me to the rear bumper.
Clark: That hurt, Ellen.

Clark: Oh, you can't think I'd do this on purpose? Look... I tied him to the rear bumper while I was packing the car. It was very confusing. I must have forgot. I'm very sorry, I feel terrible.
Motorcycle Cop: How do you think that little dog feels?
Clark: Look, I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident.
Motorcycle Cop: Well, I guess I can buy that, sir. But it is a shame. I had a pooch like this when I was a kid.
[both Clark and the motorcycle cop sorrowfully look at the empty road behind them]
Motorcycle Cop: Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so.
[tearing up]
Motorcycle Cop: Tough little mutt...

[after jumping into the freezing-cold pool]
Clark: Aaaaaah! Jesus! Fuck!

[Clark punches the Marty Moose statue]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, what are you doing?
Clark: We watch his program... We buy his toys, we go to his movies... he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? Fucking-A right he owes us!

Clark Griswald: [to the Dodge City bartender] Hey Knucklehead, set us up with four Red eye's will ya?
[the bartender ignors him]
Clark Griswald: Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you!
[the bartender glares at Clark]
Clark Griswald: Hey Tender foot, move your chicken wings turkey!
[the bartender angrily glares at Clark]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, that's not nice.
Clark Griswald: Relax, it's all part of the act.
[to the bartender]
Clark Griswald: Hey Underpants...
[the bartender pulls out a double-barrled shotgun and shoots Clark!]

Clark: I don't give a frogs fat ass who went through what. We need money.

Ellen Griswold: This is so dangerous, Clark. We have no business being in this neighborhood.
Clark: Oh I don't know, hun. It gives us a chance to see a part of America we don't get to see.
Ellen Griswold: That's a GOOD thing!
Clark: Not it's not. We can't just ignore the plight of the inner cities. See the plight kids?
[gun shots and a scream are heard]
Clark: Roll em' up!


National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.
Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.

Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Clark: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get check the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
Mary: That's my name.
Clark: No shit.

Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark.
Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...

Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks

Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.

Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

[talking about Snot, Eddie's dog]
Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen.

Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

Uncle Lewis: [Clark is cleaning up the garbage off the kitchen floor after the dog went through it] Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey.
Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City.
Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Ellen: Are you okay?

Clark: [the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post.

Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.
Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.

Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad.
Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Clark: How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.

Clark: The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.

Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays...
Clark: Goodnight Ellen
Ellen: Vacations, graduations...

Clark: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: ...Is innocent.

Clark: I think you've made a terrible mistake.
SWAT Commander: I told you to freeze, mister.
Clark: May we blink?

Clark: [Clark looks down at the jello and sees that it's trimmed with cat food] Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?
Eddie: I don't know about the cat, but *I* sure am enjoying it.

Clark: Later dudes! Let 'er rip, hang ten!

Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard.
Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.

Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?
Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
[Raises glass to his mouth]
Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
[Clark nearly chokes on his drink]

Art: The little lights... they aren't twinkling.
Clark: I know, Art. Thanks for noticing.

Clark: Whew, it's warm in here.
Mary: Well you have your coat on.
Clark: Ah yes I do, why is that?
Mary: Because it's cold out.
Clark: Yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air.

Clark: [realizes his bonus is a jelly-club membership] If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT!
[kicks wildly at the presents under the tree]

Clark: [Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.
[He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark]
Clark: Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.

Clark: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
Eddie: Yeah I'm excited about it too.

Clark: [Revealing his Christmas "bonus"] It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
Eddie: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

Eddie: If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player.
Clark: What about the kids?
Eddie: His kids can fend for themselves.

Eddie: Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago?
Clark: No, we missed out on that one.

Clark: No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few thing I shouldn't have.
Mr. Frank Shirley: Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.
Clark: Yeah. Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company. I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine. But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain...
Rusty Griswold: Sucks.
Clark: Thank you, Russ. My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: Appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: Is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.

Clark: Catherine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks, we're all in for a real treat!
Eddie: Save the neck for me, Clark.
Clark: Okay Eddie...

Clark: [the Christmas dinner table shudders, and loud gagging noises come from underneath. Clark looks to see where its coming from] Edward, what's wrong with the dog?
Eddie: [Looks underneath the table] Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.
[Grotesque barfing noises]
Eddie: He's got it up!
[Winks at Clark that everything's okay]
Clark: Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table?
Eddie: No. No, he's probably just been nosing through the trash.
[Shows kitchen, which looks like the city dump]

Art: [after Clark has flipped out] You're goofy.
Clark: [Still flipped out] Don't piss me off, Art.

Ellen: [sees Clark standing up and looking out the window] Aren't you having any breakfast?
Clark: I'm not in the mood.
Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

Eddie: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain't as strong so I don't know if I should go sailin down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: You really think it matters, Eddie?

[Uncle Lewis lights his cigar accidentally burns the Christmas tree]
Clark: Lewis? My tree!
Uncle Lewis: So what's the matter with you?
Clark: Look what you've done to my tree!

Clark: I did it

Clark: Ooh the Crunch Enhancer? Yeah, it's a non-nutritive cereal varnish. It's semi-permeable, it's not osmotic, what it does is it coats and seals the flake and prevents the milk from penetrating it.

Clark: [Clark and Eddie are carrying the chair outside after the cat was electrocuted] You smell something?
Eddie: Fried pussycat.


Vegas Vacation (1997)
Ellen Griswold: [Clark and Ellen have found Rusty in the hot tub] Oh my Lord... Rusty!
Girl in Hot Tub: Oh, you must be lost. This is Mr. Pappagiorgio.
Clark Griswold: His name is not Pappagiorgio! His name is Rusty Griswold and he's a C+ student! Now out of the pool, let's go young man! Now!
[Clark yanks Rusty out of the hot tub]

Clark Griswold: [Clark and Ellen have found Audrey dancing at the Club Aereola] Audrey! What are you doing? Ten years of tap dancing lessons and this is the way you repay us?
Audrey Griswold: What? You told me to get a summer job!

Cousin Eddie: I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.
Clark Griswold: Thanks for the pick me up Eddie.

Rusty: Holy crap, Wayne Newton's hittin' on mom!
Clark Griswold: It's all part of the act, Russ.

Wayne Newton: [to Clark, about Ellen] Very special lady.
Clark Griswold: That's why I entered into the sacred bond of marriage with her.

Clark Griswold: Eddie, has anyone ever told you you're bad luck?
Cousin Eddie: Those were my mother's dying words. But I guess if your body's covered in third degree burns, and your foot's caught in a bear trap, you tend to start talkin' crazy.

Clark Griswold: Where the hell is the damn dam tour?

[Clark is playing blackjack]
Clark Griswold: Twenty. I'll stay.
Marty: [flips over his card] Wha...? It's twenty. It's a push!
Clark Griswold: I didn't lose!
Marty: That's it, Griswold! You are freakin dead!

[Marty points to the Table Limit Sign $10 minimum]
Marty: Come on, Griswold, You think that sign is there to hold the table down?
Clark Griswold: What can I do with five dollars?
Marty: Gee, I don't know. Buy a bullet and rent a gun?

Clark Griswold: [to his kids, played by the fourth different set of actors in as many "Vacation" movies] You guys are growing up so fast, I hardly recognize you anymore!

Clark Griswold: I've lost three hundred dollars in fifteen minutes?
[Eddie, having taken a sip of beer, chokes and spits it out]

Mirage Reception Person: Welcome to the Mirage. May I have your credit card, please?
Clark Griswold: Yes, indeedy. Clark W. Griswold, four.
Mirage Reception Person: You know, we have an excellent dry cleaning service here, if you're so inclined.
Clark Griswold: Oh, uh? it's? it's a bbbirthmark.
Mirage Reception Person: Uh-huh. Now in order to get to your rooms, you're going to have to go this way through the casino, veer to the left. Take a sharp right at the first giant palm tree. You'll see a group of blackjack tables. Not baccarat, not craps, blackjack. Keep going, then wind around to your left. If you get to the pool, you've gone too far, back up and take another right. You'll see a bank of elevators. Those aren't your elevators, stay away from them. But keep going, you'll see another bank of elevators, the gold elevators, those are yours. Take them up to the tenth floor, take a right at the end of the hall and you'll find your room. Any questions?
Clark Griswold: Uh-uh-uh no not really. Russ!
Rusty: Yeah, dad.
Clark Griswold: Oh, there you are. Didja get that?

Clark Griswold: Eddie, I gambled away more money than you'll ever understand.
Cousin Eddie: Try me.
Clark Griswold: [whispering] Twenty-two thousand eight hundred dollars.
Cousin Eddie: [shouting] Oh God! Oh God! Oh my shhhhooddd! Oh God! Oh my God!

Clark Griswold: [inside the sleezy casino] I need to go somewhere a man can think.
Cousin Eddie: Oh, oh I wouldn't do that here Clark, the stalls are awefully dirty and they're backed up all the time.
Clark Griswold: No, Eddie, I need to be alone.
Cousin Eddie: Oh, oh I see, ya want me to go with ya?
Clark Griswold: Allright,come on.

Clark Griswold: [running up to Dean, the Pit Boss] Hey! Have you seen this person?
[holds up picture of Rusty]
Pit Boss: [examining the picture] Hm. Mr. Pappagiorgio, yeah. Lanai Six.
Clark Griswold: My son.
Pit Boss: [confused] Mr. Pappagiorgio?
Clark Griswold: [confused as well; to Ellen] Let's go.
[they run off]
Pit Boss: [catching onto what's going on] Oh boy, oh boy.
[picks up phone to call security]

Rusty: [trying to get Clark's attention] Dad?
Clark Griswold: In a minute Russ.
[talking to Cousin Eddie]
Clark Griswold: You see the promise of material possesions can often blind one to...
[Rusty taps Clark on the arm]
Clark Griswold: What is it, Russ?
Rusty: Those four cars over there... they're mine.
Clark Griswold: [surprised] What do you mean they're... they're yours?
Rusty: Yeah.
Clark Griswold: [suspiciously] Where did they come from, Russ?
Rusty: Well, four slot machines and I won four cars. You know, I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car.
Clark Griswold: I-I-I, okay, I think I get it. Give me the keys, please.
[Rusty hands Clark all the car keys]
Clark Griswold: Okay! Ellen you drive the red one,
[hands car keys to Ellen]
Clark Griswold: you take the white one,
[hands car keys to Audrey]
Clark Griswold: you take the Mustang,
[hands car keys to Rusty]
Clark Griswold: and I'll take that big, black thing over there. After you, Mr. Pappagiorgio!

Clark Griswold: Where in the hell is the damn dam tour?

Clark Griswold: [as they watch Vicki pole dance] Don't think unnatural thoughts about your cousin, Russ.

Clark Griswold: *Ellen switches off the TV* Hard six coming out.
Ellen Griswold: What?
Clark Griswold: Hit me. *Ellen slaps him in the dark*
Clark Griswold: Ow.


National Lampoon's European Vacation (1985)
Stewardess: Do you want something to drink?
Clark Griswold: [to Ellen] Honey, you want something?
Ellen Griswold: No thank you.
Clark Griswold: [to the Stewardess] I'll have a Coke.
Stewardess: Do you want that in the can?
Clark Griswold: [Clark turns and looks at the bathroom, then turns back at the Stewardess] No, I'll have it right here.

[in Germany, Clark peers down at a village in the hills and tears come to his eyes]
Clark Griswold: There it is, kids, my motherland.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.
Clark Griswold: Shut up, Russ.

[In England]
Ellen Griswold: Clark, you're driving on the wrong side of the road!
Clark Griswold: I realize that honey. I'm also on the wrong side of the car.

Clark Griswold: There's Buckingham Palace, kids. That's where the Queen lives and works.
Audrey Griswold: Works? What does she do, Dad?
Clark Griswold: She queens... and vacuums.

Clark Griswold: [singing] Oh the hills are alive with the sound of Griswold/this shit's been around for a very long time./I'm feeling so high, I just can't stand it/It's as if I've been here for at least a week.

Ellen Griswold: Look back there!
Clark Griswold: Yeah, it's just a hooker. They're all over the place.
Ellen Griswold: Look who she's with!
[Clark looks back, and sees that Rusty is with the hooker]

Rusty Griswold: Who was it that said when in Rome do as the Romans do?
Clark Griswold: That was Rome not Paris. This is Paris and you're drunk.

[In England, Rusty sees a young man with a punk Mohawk haircut]
Rusty Griswold: That's it! That's it! That's the way I want my haircut, Dad!
Clark Griswold: Rusty, you don't want to look like a rooster do you?

Clark Griswold: There's the Left Bank, kids. Russ, I bet you can't guess what bank is on the right.
Rusty Griswold: The Bank of America.

[In Germany, Clark is looking for their relatives house]
Clark Griswold: What are we looking for?
Audrey Griswold: Sechs, Dad.
[Pronounces it as "Sex"]
Clark Griswold: That'll do Audrey.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, that's German for six.

[Rusty and his California Girl join the rest of the family as they chase Ellen's kidnapper]
Clark Griswold: Get in.
Rusty Griswold: What Happened?
Audrey Griswold: Oh, not much. Mom's been kidnapped.

Ellen Griswold: Clark, why don't we just forget the "Pig-in-a-Poke" itinerary, and just play it by ear, like normal people?
Clark Griswold: Honey, we're not normal people. We're the Griswolds.

Clark Griswold: [Clark is driving around Lambeth Bridge Roundabout in London, England, and is unable to turn to the left] Hey look kids, there's Big Ben, and there's Parliament... again.

Ellen Griswold: [In their hotel room in England, Ellen opens a door, only to find a closet, and discovering there is no bathroom] Clark, there's no bathroom.
Clark Griswold: Of course there's a bathroom. Europeans go to the bathroom, don't they?
[Clark opens the door to his left to find another closet with a mattress inside]
Clark Griswold: Maybe they don't.

Rusty Griswold: [watching the romantic couple make out at the table] Dad he's grabbing her tits right there at the table!
Clark Griswold: Just eat your breakfast, Russ.
Rusty Griswold: [Rusty still watching the couple] ... Dad, I think he's gonna pork her.
Clark Griswold: He's not gonna pork her, Russ.
Rusty Griswold: I think he's gonna.
Clark Griswold: He may pork her, finish your breakfast.

Kent Winkdale, host of 'Pig in a Poke': What are the pyramidal tracks?
Clark Griswold: [thinking] ... Kent, I believe the pyramidal tracks are housing development outside of Cairo.