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: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom? Ellen Griswold
: Find a bush Audrey!
: [after the bartender shoots at Clark
] Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing. Clark Griswald
: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey? Audrey Griswold
: What? Clark Griswald
: I said didn't you think it was real? Audrey Griswold
: What? Ellen Griswold
: Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf. Clark Griswald
: Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.
: [Looking at Vicki's trophy for hog raising
] Uh, don't take this personally, Vicki; but being a farmer isn't too cool you know. Cousin Vicki
: Oh, yeah? Well, how cool is this?
[Reaches under her bed and pulls out a shoebox full of marijuana
[after driving off the road
] Ellen Griswold
: I think I broke my nose. Rusty Griswold
: I stabbed my brain. Audrey Griswold
: I just got my period.
: She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!
[looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat
] Ellen Griswold
: She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do, Clark? Clark Griswald
: Well, we could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we could call your Cousin Normie and he could come and get her, I guess. Ellen Griswold
: That is the meanest, coldest... Clark Griswald
: Well what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express? Audrey Griswold
: Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't! Rusty Griswold
: Yeah, come on, Mom. It'll be real easy for Cousin Normie to find her. All they have to do is look for the buzzards.
: [talking about Aunt Edna
] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds. Ellen Griswald
: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof. Audrey Griswald
: Yes, he can! Clark Griswald
: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.
: Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart. Audrey Griswold
: Let's not overdo it, mom. Ellen Griswold
: Shut up.
: I'm going steady, and I French kiss. Audrey Griswold
: So? Everybody does that. Cousin Vicki
: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols. Audrey
: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we? Clark
: No, I have one of those at home.
: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is? Ellen
: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
: I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas. Art
: If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.
[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family
: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was. Audrey
: He worked really hard, Grandma. Art
: So do washing machines.
: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
: [Commenting on sleeping with her brother
] I have nightmares about what he does when I'm NOT lying next to him.
: There's Buckingham Palace, kids. That's where the Queen lives and works. Audrey Griswold
: Works? What does she do, Dad? Clark Griswold
: She queens... and vacuums.
[In Germany, Clark is looking for their relatives house
] Clark Griswold
: What are we looking for? Audrey Griswold
: Sechs, Dad.
[Pronounces it as "Sex"
] Clark Griswold
: That'll do Audrey. Rusty Griswold
: Dad, that's German for six.
[Rusty and his California Girl join the rest of the family as they chase Ellen's kidnapper
] Clark Griswold
: Get in. Rusty Griswold
: What Happened? Audrey Griswold
: Oh, not much. Mom's been kidnapped.
] Audrey Griswold
: God, I miss Jack!
: [after seeing the large German sausage dish served by Helga
] ... God, I miss Jack.
: [Audrey is reading Jack's letter
] Dear Audrey, I miss the shit out of you. Luckily, Debbie is been coming by to cheer me up. Audrey Griswold
: That bitch! Ellen Griswold
: Something that matter, Audrey? Audrey Griswold
: [Clark and Ellen have found Audrey dancing at the Club Aereola
] Audrey! What are you doing? Ten years of tap dancing lessons and this is the way you repay us? Audrey Griswold
: What? You told me to get a summer job!
: Hey, you wanna dance up here? Audrey Griswold
: No, I don't think so. Cousin Vicki
: Audrey, honey, let me tell you something that I've learned. In this world you're either up on the stage in the spotlight, or down in the pit serving drinks. So have some fun.
: Did you come to Las Vegas to be a showgirl? Audrey Griswold
: No. I'm on vacation with my parents. Cousin Vicki
] Hard to believe we're related, right?
: [watching as Wayne Newton brings Ellen up on stage with him
] Well, I think we know who sent the dress.
: [Audrey's climbing to the top of Vegas Vic
] Audrey! What're you doing up there? Audrey Griswold
: I'm starting my vacation!
: She's gonna break a lot of heart. Cousin Vicki
: She's gonna break something!
: How is your chicken? Mine is dry as hell. Audrey Griswold
: Mine's dry as hell too. Cousin Vicki
: If you want to hang out with cousin Vicki tonight, I'll give you my beeper number. Audrey Griswold
: Really? That would be great!