Russell 'Rusty' Griswold
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Quotes for
Russell 'Rusty' Griswold (Character)
from National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)

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National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)
Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun, and I'm gonna have fun... We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! I must be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
Rusty Griswold: [Grabs Clark's shoulder] Dad, you want an aspirin?
Clark: Don't touch!

[after driving off the road]
Ellen Griswold: I think I broke my nose.
Rusty Griswold: I stabbed my brain.
Audrey Griswold: I just got my period.

Rusty Griswold: Is that a real gun, Mom?
Ellen Griswold: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father... may be going away for a little while.

Rusty Griswold: Mom, my sandwich is all wet.
Ellen Griswold: They're all wet... Oh God!... The dog wet on the picnic basket.

Rusty Griswold: Hey, ya' got Pac Man?
Cousin Dale: No.
Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Space Invaders?
Cousin Dale: Nope.
Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Asteroids?
Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.

Rusty Griswold: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards.
Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ...
[pauses as Rusty walks away]
Clark: [proudly] ... 50 yards...

[looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat]
Ellen Griswold: She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do, Clark?
Clark Griswald: Well, we could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we could call your Cousin Normie and he could come and get her, I guess.
Ellen Griswold: That is the meanest, coldest...
Clark Griswald: Well what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?
Audrey Griswold: Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!
Rusty Griswold: Yeah, come on, Mom. It'll be real easy for Cousin Normie to find her. All they have to do is look for the buzzards.

Clark: I've spent the last 15 years of my life developing newer and better food additives. I guess I've missed an awful lot. At first, I didn't want to take this vacation. But, now I'm glad I did. It's given me a chance to spend a lot more time with you and... uh...
Rusty: Audrey.
Clark: Audrey, yeah.

Aunt Edna: Clark, Dinkums needs a long walk and a bath.
Clark: Rusty take care of Dinkums.
Rusty: Dad he bites.
Clark: Bite him back.

Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey you can't prove that Russ.

Lasky: Rusty, may I call you Rusty? I had a bad experience on this ride once.
Rusty: What happened?
Lasky: I threw up.

Rusty Griswold: That was a crummy Wyatt Earp dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.
Clark: They used to Rusty.

Rusty Griswold: Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
Clark: Settle down Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
Ed, the car salesman: You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Clark: Metallic Pea?

Aunt Edna: I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles!
Rusty Griswold: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...
Ellen Griswold: He was speeding, Rusty!
Rusty Griswold: No he wasn't, Mom. He...
Clark: Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids...
[the motorcycle cop appears at the car window with the dog leash]
Motorcycle Cop: Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.


National Lampoon's European Vacation (1985)
[in Germany, Clark peers down at a village in the hills and tears come to his eyes]
Clark Griswold: There it is, kids, my motherland.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.
Clark Griswold: Shut up, Russ.

Rusty Griswold: Who was it that said when in Rome do as the Romans do?
Clark Griswold: That was Rome not Paris. This is Paris and you're drunk.

[In England, Rusty sees a young man with a punk Mohawk haircut]
Rusty Griswold: That's it! That's it! That's the way I want my haircut, Dad!
Clark Griswold: Rusty, you don't want to look like a rooster do you?

Clark Griswold: There's the Left Bank, kids. Russ, I bet you can't guess what bank is on the right.
Rusty Griswold: The Bank of America.

[In Germany, Clark is looking for their relatives house]
Clark Griswold: What are we looking for?
Audrey Griswold: Sechs, Dad.
[Pronounces it as "Sex"]
Clark Griswold: That'll do Audrey.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, that's German for six.

[Rusty and his California Girl join the rest of the family as they chase Ellen's kidnapper]
Clark Griswold: Get in.
Rusty Griswold: What Happened?
Audrey Griswold: Oh, not much. Mom's been kidnapped.

Rusty Griswold: [watching the romantic couple make out at the table] Dad he's grabbing her tits right there at the table!
Clark Griswold: Just eat your breakfast, Russ.
Rusty Griswold: [Rusty still watching the couple] ... Dad, I think he's gonna pork her.
Clark Griswold: He's not gonna pork her, Russ.
Rusty Griswold: I think he's gonna.
Clark Griswold: He may pork her, finish your breakfast.

Rusty Griswold: [comes in the room while Clark is brushing his teeth in a bowl] ... Hey, Dad, look. Bed pans!

Hotel Manager: [Speaking very quickly in a heavy English accent] You're scuppered mate, this place is full of macaroons, of course I could get on the dog and bone and call my friend down White Chapel way.
[Clark is unable to understand what the Hotel Manager is saying, so he begins using a handheld translation device]
Rusty Griswold: Dad, he's speaking English.

[last lines]
Rusty Griswold: ...Yep, the Griswolds are back.

Rusty Griswold: Oink oink, my good man!

Claudia: Those bells haven't rung in years.
Rusty Griswold: What do they mean?
Claudia: They're going to hang someone!
Rusty Griswold: [thinks for a moment, then] DAD!

Rusty Griswold: [after Audrey collapses on a French museums steps] Great, are you happy now Dad? She's dead!


Vacation (2015/I)
Rusty Griswold: If Vin Diesel can do it, so can I!

Rusty Griswold: I just wanted to sing Seal with my family like normal people.

Rusty Griswold: We're going to Walley World.
Debbie Griswold: What?
Kevin Griswold: This is some bullshit right here!

James Griswold: I've never even heard of the original vacation.
Rusty Griswold: Doesn't matter. The new vacation will stand on its own.

Rusty Griswold: [on ATVs] Are there helmets?
Stone Crandall: Yeah, I keep 'em with the tampons.
[drives off]
Rusty Griswold: It's just basic safety.

Debbie Griswold: Hey, you know, you never told us why you keep that teddy bear on the front of your truck.
Trucker: Oh, it makes the kids feel more comfortable.
Rusty Griswold: Oh yeah? You have kids?
Trucker: No.

Kevin Griswold: There was a hole in the side of my stall.
Rusty Griswold: Sounds like you found yourself a glory hole.

Rusty Griswold: Well, I thought it'd be fun for the kids to see where you went to college.
Debbie Griswold: Oh, God. Why would that be fun for them, honey?
Rusty Griswold: You can give us a tour. Maybe one of them could study there one day.
James Griswold: Oh, no. No way, man. I've got my sights on something a little more Ivy League.
Debbie Griswold: [under her breath] Huh. Little fucker.
James Griswold: What, Ma?
Debbie Griswold: I love you. That's what I said.

Rusty Griswold: Maybe for lunch we can find a burger place. You know, like a... Like a drive-through burger place.
James Griswold: I don't know, Dad. I think we should steer clear of that.
Rusty Griswold: Good one, James.
Debbie Griswold: All right, enough, you guys. Dad hit a cow, okay? Let's just moo-ve on.
Kevin Griswold: Oh, I got one.
Rusty Griswold: Yeah, let's hear it.
Kevin Griswold: James is a piece of shit.
Rusty Griswold: Kinda miss the point there, buddy.


Vegas Vacation (1997)
Rusty: [about Las Vegas] Isn't there legalized prostitution?

Rusty: Holy crap, Wayne Newton's hittin' on mom!
Clark Griswold: It's all part of the act, Russ.

Rusty: Can't you just wrap me up in a blanket and roll me across the bed again?

Rusty: So I says to him, I said "Get your own monkey!"

Mirage Reception Person: Welcome to the Mirage. May I have your credit card, please?
Clark Griswold: Yes, indeedy. Clark W. Griswold, four.
Mirage Reception Person: You know, we have an excellent dry cleaning service here, if you're so inclined.
Clark Griswold: Oh, uh? it's? it's a bbbirthmark.
Mirage Reception Person: Uh-huh. Now in order to get to your rooms, you're going to have to go this way through the casino, veer to the left. Take a sharp right at the first giant palm tree. You'll see a group of blackjack tables. Not baccarat, not craps, blackjack. Keep going, then wind around to your left. If you get to the pool, you've gone too far, back up and take another right. You'll see a bank of elevators. Those aren't your elevators, stay away from them. But keep going, you'll see another bank of elevators, the gold elevators, those are yours. Take them up to the tenth floor, take a right at the end of the hall and you'll find your room. Any questions?
Clark Griswold: Uh-uh-uh no not really. Russ!
Rusty: Yeah, dad.
Clark Griswold: Oh, there you are. Didja get that?

Pit Boss: [inspecting Rusty's fake ID / quizzing him on it] No, uh, corrective lenses tonight?
Rusty: No, I do not require them.

Rusty: [trying to get Clark's attention] Dad?
Clark Griswold: In a minute Russ.
[talking to Cousin Eddie]
Clark Griswold: You see the promise of material possesions can often blind one to...
[Rusty taps Clark on the arm]
Clark Griswold: What is it, Russ?
Rusty: Those four cars over there... they're mine.
Clark Griswold: [surprised] What do you mean they're... they're yours?
Rusty: Yeah.
Clark Griswold: [suspiciously] Where did they come from, Russ?
Rusty: Well, four slot machines and I won four cars. You know, I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car. I put a dollar in, I got a car.
Clark Griswold: I-I-I, okay, I think I get it. Give me the keys, please.
[Rusty hands Clark all the car keys]
Clark Griswold: Okay! Ellen you drive the red one,
[hands car keys to Ellen]
Clark Griswold: you take the white one,
[hands car keys to Audrey]
Clark Griswold: you take the Mustang,
[hands car keys to Rusty]
Clark Griswold: and I'll take that big, black thing over there. After you, Mr. Pappagiorgio!


National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.
Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.

Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad.
Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard.
Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.

Clark: No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few thing I shouldn't have.
Mr. Frank Shirley: Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.
Clark: Yeah. Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company. I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine. But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain...
Rusty Griswold: Sucks.
Clark: Thank you, Russ. My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: Appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: Is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.