Ed Rooney
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Quotes for
Ed Rooney (Character)
from Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

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Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)
Ed Rooney: [Whistling for the dog with a vase in his hands] Come here doggy! Look what Uncle Ed's got for you, you little fucker!

[a baseball game is on television]
Ed Rooney: What's the score?
Pizza Joint Owner: Nothin' nothin'.
Ed Rooney: [not really listening] Who's winning?
Pizza Joint Owner: The Bears.

Ed Rooney: I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.

Grace: Oh, Ed. You just sounded like Dirty Harry just then.
Ed Rooney: Really? Thanks, Grace.

Ed Rooney: Between grief and nothing... I'll take grief.
Sloane: Great.

Ed Rooney: Les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine.

Ed Rooney: How would you feel about another *year* of high school? Under my close personal supervision.

Ed Rooney: I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him.
Grace: Well, with your bad knee Ed, you shouldn't throw anybody... It's true.
Ed Rooney: What is so dangerous about a character like Ferris Bueller is he gives good kids bad ideas.
Grace: Mmm-hmm.
Ed Rooney: Last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. He jeopardizes my ability to effectivley govern this student body.
Grace: Well, makes you look like an ass is what he does, Ed.
Ed Rooney: Thank you, Grace. I think you're wrong.
Grace: Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.
Ed Rooney: That is why I have got to catch him this time- To show these kids the example he sets is a first class ticket to nowhere!
[he hands Grace some papers]
Grace: Oh, Ed, you sounded like Dirty Harry just then.
Ed Rooney: Really?
Grace: Uh-huh
Ed Rooney: [scoffs lightly] Thanks, Grace.

[On the phone]
Ed Rooney: Are you also aware, Mrs. Bueller, that Ferris does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record?
Katie Bueller: I don't understand.
Ed Rooney: He has missed an unacceptable number of school days. In the opinion of this educator, Ferris is not taking his academic growth seriously. Now I've spent my morning examining his records. If Ferris thinks that he can just coast through this month and still graduate, he is sorely mistaken. I have no reservations whatsoever about holding him back another year.
Katie Bueller: This is all news to me.
Ed Rooney: It usually is. So far this semester he has been absent nine times.
Katie Bueller: Nine times?
Ed Rooney: Nine times.
Katie Bueller: I don't remember him being sick nine times.
Ed Rooney: That's probably because he wasn't sick. He was skipping school. Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Bueller. It's a fool's paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path.
Katie Bueller: I can't believe it.
Ed Rooney: I've got it right here in front of me. He has missed nine days...
[His computer screen begins counting down from nine to two. Ferris is at home looking at the same screen]
Ferris: I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?

[On the phone]
Ed Rooney: I'm very sorry, Mr. Peterson...
Cameron: [disguised voice] Call me sir! Goddamn it!

Ed Rooney: Ed Rooney.
Cameron: [disguising voice as George Peterson] Ed. This is George Peterson.
Ed Rooney: How are you today, sir?
Cameron: [voice disguised] Well, we've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard.
Ed Rooney: Yeah I heard, and man, I'm all broken up, boy, what a blow.
Cameron: [disguised] Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it's been a tough morning and we got a lot of family business to take care of, so if you wouldn't mind excusing Sloane, I'd appreciate it.
Ed Rooney: Uh, yeah, sure, no I'd be happy to, yeah you, uh, you you just produce a corpse, and uh, I'll release Sloane. I wanna see this dead grandmother first hand.
Grace: Ed?
Ed Rooney: It's alright, Grace, it's Ferris Bueller the little twerp. I'm gonna set a trap and let him fall right in it.
Grace: Ooh!
Cameron: [disguised] I'm sorry, Ed, did you say you wanted to see a body?
Ed Rooney: Yeah, that's right, just, uh, roll her old bones on over here, and I'll dig up your daughter. You know that's school policy.
Cameron: [disguised] Oh.
Ed Rooney: Was this your mother?
Cameron: [disguised] Uh, no my wife's mother.
Grace: [picks up ringing phone] Ed Rooney's office.
Ferris: Hi this is Ferris Bueller, can I speak to Mr. Rooney please? Thank you.
Grace: [caught off-guard] Uh... hold.
Ed Rooney: Tell ya what, dipshit. If you don't like my policies you can come on down here and smooch my big ole' white butt.
Grace: ED!
Ed Rooney: Pucker up butter-cup.
[to Grace]
Ed Rooney: What?
Grace: Ferris Bueller's on line 2.

[hearing a fake phone message]
Sloane: [crying on machine] We can't come to the phone right now. We've had a... death in the family.
Ed Rooney: Grace, Ferris Bueller is behind this. There is no doubt in my mind, and now, he's got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing.
Grace: Her grandmother, too.
Ed Rooney: You pinhead.
Sloane: [sobbing] If you need to reach us, we'll be at the following number...
[sobbing becomes hysterical and over the top]

[Ferris kisses Sloan passionately while posing as her father]
Ed Rooney: So THAT's how it is in their family...

Ed Rooney: I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him.
Grace: Well with your bad knee Ed, you shouldn't throw anybody... Its true.

Ed Rooney: Ahem... Mr. Peterson?
Cameron: [clears throat] Uhum!
Ed Rooney: Uhhm... you know, I-I think I owe you an apology, sir.
Cameron: [disguised voice] Well I should say you do!
Ed Rooney: I, uh... I-I-I...
Cameron: [still disguised] Well, I think you should be sorry, for Christ's sake! A family member dies, and you insult me, what the hell's the matter with you, anyway?
Ed Rooney: Uh-uh-uh, well I, you...
[breathes heavily]
Ed Rooney: ... I-I really don't know, sir, I mean, I didn't think I was talking to you, I thought I was talking to somebody else, you know sir, I would never deliberately insult you like that, I-I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am!
Cameron: Pardon my French... but you're an asshole!
Ed Rooney: [waves at Grace]
Cameron: Asshole!
Ed Rooney: Uhh, you're absolutely right, sir, you've hit the nail right on the head!
Cameron: This isn't over yet Buster, do you read me?