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[Ferris has snuck aboard a parade float
: Ladies and gentlemen, you are such a wonderful crowd, we'd like to play a little tune for you. It's one of my personal favorites and I'd like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today - Cameron Frye, this one's for you. Cameron
: Ferris! Get off of the float!
: Hey, Cameron. You realize if we played by the rules right now we'd be in gym?
: What'd I do? Ferris
: You killed the car.
: What are we going to do? Ferris
: The question isn't "what are we going to do," the question is "what aren't we going to do?" Cameron
: Please don't say were not going to take the car home. Please don't say were not going to take the car home. Please don't say were not going to take the car home. Ferris
: [to the camera
] If you had access to a car like this, would you take it back right away?
: Neither would I.
: Where's your brain? Cameron
: Why'd you kick me? Ferris
: Where's your brain? Cameron
: Why'd you kick me? Ferris
: Where's your brain? Cameron
: I asked you first. Ferris
: How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney is there with her? Cameron
: I said for her to be there alone and you freaked. Ferris
: Now, I didn't hit you. I lightly slapped you. Cameron
: You hit me. Look don't make me participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way I do it. You make me get out of bed, you make me come over here. You make me make a phony phone call to Edward Rooney? The man could squash my nuts into oblivion. And-and-and then, and then, you deliberately hurt my feelings.
: If you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend. Cameron
: You've been saying that since the fifth grade.
: [grabs Ferris on the shoulder while he grabs the phone in the restaurant
] All right, I've had enough of this. Ferris
: [Ferris is annoyed
] You touch me, I yell RAT!
: Look, it's real simple. Whatever mileage we put on, we'll take off. Cameron
: How? Ferris
: We'll drive home backwards.
: Hi. Do you speak English? Garage Attendant
: Uh, what country do you think this is?
: The city looks so peaceful from up here. Ferris
: Anything is peaceful from one thousand, three hundred and fifty-three feet. Cameron
: I think I see my dad.
: Okay Ferris, can we just let it go, please? Sloane
: Ferris, please. You've gone to far. We're going to get busted. Ferris
: A: You can never go too far. B: If I'm gonna get busted, it is *not* gonna be by a guy like *that*.
: [describing Cameron's house
] The place is like a museum. It's very beautiful and very cold, and you're not allowed to touch anything.
: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
: You're Abe Froman? Ferris
: That's right, I'm Abe Froman. Maitre D'
: The Sausage King of Chicago? Ferris
: [caught off-guard
] ... Uh yeah, that's me. Maitre D'
: Look, I'm very busy. Why don't you take the kids and go back to the clubhouse? Ferris
: Are you suggesting that I'm not who I say I am? Maitre D'
: I'm suggesting that you leave before I have to get snooty. Ferris
: Snooty? Maitre D'
: Snotty. Ferris
: Cameron, what have you seen today? Cameron
: Nothing good. Ferris
: Nothing - wha - what do you mean nothing good? We've seen everything good. We've seen the whole city! We went to a museum, we saw priceless works of art! We ate pancreas!
: Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people.
: [Ferris is calling Cameron at home
] Cameron, babe, what's happenin'? Cameron
: [Cameron lying in bed underneath covers
] Very little.
: The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh... you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.
: The 1961 Ferrari 250GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love, it is his passion. Ferris
: It is his fault he didn't lock the garage.
: Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.
: [his recorded message for the doorbell
] Who is it?
: Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences. You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Have a nice day!
[On the phone
] Ed Rooney
: Are you also aware, Mrs. Bueller, that Ferris does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record? Katie Bueller
: I don't understand. Ed Rooney
: He has missed an unacceptable number of school days. In the opinion of this educator, Ferris is not taking his academic growth seriously. Now I've spent my morning examining his records. If Ferris thinks that he can just coast through this month and still graduate, he is sorely mistaken. I have no reservations whatsoever about holding him back another year. Katie Bueller
: This is all news to me. Ed Rooney
: It usually is. So far this semester he has been absent nine times. Katie Bueller
: Nine times? Ed Rooney
: Nine times. Katie Bueller
: I don't remember him being sick nine times. Ed Rooney
: That's probably because he wasn't sick. He was skipping school. Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Bueller. It's a fool's paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path. Katie Bueller
: I can't believe it. Ed Rooney
: I've got it right here in front of me. He has missed nine days...
[His computer screen begins counting down from nine to two. Ferris is at home looking at the same screen
: I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?
: Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.
: Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself. Ferris
: A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile.
[Ferris caresses the car in admiration
: No. No! Apparently, you don't understand! Ferris
: [ignoring Cameron
] Wow. Cameron
: Ferris, he never drives it! He just rubs it with a diaper!
: [Whispering to himself after hanging up from a phone call with Ferris
] I'm dying.
[Phone rings, and Cameron answers
: (over the phone) You're not dying, you just can't think of anything good to do.
: Four thousand restaurants in the downtown area, I pick the one my father goes to. Cameron
: We're pinched, for sure. Ferris
: Only the meek get pinched. The bold survive.
[after making a horrible noise with a clarinet
: Never had one lesson!
: [In a sing-song voice
] Do you have a kiss for daddy?
: Ed Rooney. Cameron
: [disguising voice as George Peterson
] Ed. This is George Peterson. Ed Rooney
: How are you today, sir? Cameron
: [voice disguised
] Well, we've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Ed Rooney
: Yeah I heard, and man, I'm all broken up, boy, what a blow. Cameron
] Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it's been a tough morning and we got a lot of family business to take care of, so if you wouldn't mind excusing Sloane, I'd appreciate it. Ed Rooney
: Uh, yeah, sure, no I'd be happy to, yeah you, uh, you you just produce a corpse, and uh, I'll release Sloane. I wanna see this dead grandmother first hand. Grace
: Ed? Ed Rooney
: It's alright, Grace, it's Ferris Bueller the little twerp. I'm gonna set a trap and let him fall right in it. Grace
: Ooh! Cameron
] I'm sorry, Ed, did you say you wanted to see a body? Ed Rooney
: Yeah, that's right, just, uh, roll her old bones on over here, and I'll dig up your daughter. You know that's school policy. Cameron
] Oh. Ed Rooney
: Was this your mother? Cameron
] Uh, no my wife's mother. Grace
: [picks up ringing phone
] Ed Rooney's office. Ferris
: Hi this is Ferris Bueller, can I speak to Mr. Rooney please? Thank you. Grace
: [caught off-guard
] Uh... hold. Ed Rooney
: Tell ya what, dipshit. If you don't like my policies you can come on down here and smooch my big ole' white butt. Grace
: ED! Ed Rooney
: Pucker up butter-cup.
] Ed Rooney
: What? Grace
: Ferris Bueller's on line 2.
: Don't worry about it, I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours. Cameron
: Oh, thanks.
: [after the end credits
] ... You're still here? It's over!
: [Hiding on the floor of the taxi while his father is in the car next to him
] What's he doing? Sloane
: He's licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands.
: It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.
[the guys just notice the "additional miles" on the car
: [to the audience
] Here's where Cameron goes berserk. Cameron
[Cameron's screams can be heard all across Chicago
[Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are in a taxicab. Ferris and Sloane are kissing
: It's getting late, buddy. We better go get the car back home. Ferris
: We have a few hours. We have until 6:00. Cameron
: I'm sorry. I know you don't care, but it does mean my ass. Ferris
: You think I don't care? Cameron
: I KNOW you don't care.
: If anyone needs a day off, it's Cameron. He has a lot of things to sort out before he graduates. Can't be wound up this tight and go to college, his roommate will kill him.
: [to the camera, after tricking his parents into believing he's sick
] Incredible, one of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second.
[opens blinds to reveal a beautiful spring day
: How can I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this?
[begins fiddling with electronics to fake his voice
: This is my ninth sick day this semester. It's pretty tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung, so I better make this one count.
: [while running home, Ferris runs past two bikini-clad sunbathers, then returns
] Hi, how you doing? I'm Ferris Bueller.
: I'm so disappointed in Cameron! Twenty bucks says he's in his car right now debating on whether or not to go out. Cameron
: [Cameron's in his car
] He'll keep calling me. He'll keep calling me until I come over. He'll make me feel guilty. This is uh... This is ridiculous, ok I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. What - I'LL GO. Shit.
[Turns the engine on then turns it off and hits the passenger seat
: God Damn it!
[Turns the car on and revs it up
: Ahhhhhh! Shit!
[Gets out of the car
: That's it!
[Paces behind the car and jumps up and down in frustration
: [Ferris slowly pulls the Ferrari out of the garage
] No! Ferris, forget it! You're just gonna have to think of somethin' else. I'm puttin' my foot down.
[Ferris keeps driving
: How bout we rent a nice Cadillac? My treat! We could call a limo! A nice stretch job with a TV and a bar! How 'bout that? Ferris
: [Ferris pulls the car back slightly
] Come on! Live a little!
[Cameron crosses himself, walks to the car
: I do have a test today, that wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who gives a crap if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists, it still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car.
[sings into shower head a verse from Wayne Newton's "Danke Schoen"
: I recall Central Park in Fall, how you tore your dress, what a mess, I confess...
: You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go.
: I'm serious man, this is ridiculous making me wait around the house for you. Cameron
: Why can't you let me rot in peace? Ferris
: Cameron, this is my ninth sick day. If I get caught, I don't graduate. I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for you. Cameron
: Do you know what my diastolic is? Ferris
: Be a man, take some Pepto-Bismol, get dressed and come on over here, I'm tired of this stuff. Cameron
: Oh, shut up! Ferris
: [has a call on the other line
] Hold your water for a second, I got another call.
: Smile, babe. Just smile...
: Dad, all this talking has made me kinda light headed, I think I oughta lie down. Tom Bueller
: Take a bath. Then wrap a hot towel around your head. Ferris
: Wrap a hot towel around my head? Tom Bueller
: And then make yourself some soup, get a nap.