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: [to Sam
] There's something I've always wanted to tell you and I think you're ready to hear it. You're not very pretty, and you're not very bright. Oh, I'm so glad we had that talk.
: [trying to stall
] I wanna get my breasts done. Where'd you get yours? Fiona
: San Diego.
[pushes Rhonda aside
: Hello? Fiona
: Sam? Some little rat got into my salmon, and ate it all! I need more salmon! And pick up my dry cleaning. And wash the Jag!
: Is this the Norwegian salmon I asked for? Because I need my omega-3s. Sam
: Only the best. Fiona
: Mmm. I can tell. You know it costs a fortune to fly that stuff in from Norwegia.
: [to Sam
] People go to school to get smarter, so that they can get a job. You already have a job, so it's like skipping a step.
: No honey, leave those on! The lawn's looking a little brown. Sam
: You know we're supposed to be conserving water! We're in the middle of a drought! Fiona
: Droughts are for poor people, you think J-Lo has a brown lawn? People who use extra water have extra class.
: Where are your skates? They're part of the uniform. Rhonda
: Fiona, if I wanted to look like a clown I'd join the circus. Fiona
: If you were part of my circus I'd have you wiping the elephant butts with a "wet one."
: I'm the County District Attorney. Have you ever seen this before, Mrs. Montgomery?
[he shows Fiona Hal's will
: I've NEVER seen that before! District Attorney
: Isn't this your signature on the witness line? Fiona
: I've NEVER seen my husband's hidden will before. District Attorney
: I'm afraid you're gonna have to come downtown with me, ma'am.
: I am very, very, very, very upset about this. Brianna
: You don't look upset. Fiona
: Oh, it's the Botox. I can't show emotion for another hour and a half.
: [to Rhonda
] You take one more step and you're fired!
[the LAPD is repossessing Fiona, Brianna, and Gabriella's cars
: [runs outside with the girls
] Hey! Hey! I can pay for those parking tickets. Sam
: Actually, I'm selling your cars, Fiona, for college tuition money. Gabriella
: What? Fiona
: Now what gives you the idea you can sell our cars? Rhonda
: She owns them. Sam
: Exactly. I own them.
[Sam, hurt and humiliated in front of the entire school after the evil skit conducted by Shelby, Brianna, and Gabriella, storms into her room in tears
: [knocking on her door
] Sam? Sam
: Go away! Fiona
: [enters the room
] But Sam, you've got a letter from Princeton.
[Fiona gives Sam the "fake" letter which, as Sam reads, states that she has been rejected by Princeton University
: What does it say? Sam
: I didn't get in. Fiona
] Oh, no! Oh, and you studied so hard. Sam
: I can't believe that I actually had a chance. Fiona
: Oh, Sam, I'm heartbroken. Life can be so unfair. Well, just look at the bright side: You have a job at the diner for the rest of your life. You want a cookie?
: [bites into a cookie; mumbles
] Mmm, they're so moist.
: All right. Well, I'm going off to get some more lipo. Come on, girls. Sam, we need you to clean the pool tonight. Sam
: [stand up to Fiona
[Rhonda, the staff, and the customers all become impressed with Sam finally standing up for herself
] Excuse me? Sam
: You heard me. I quit. I quit this job, I quit your family, and I'm moving out!
[Fiona, Brianna, and Gabriella laughs at Sam
: Oh, and, um, where are you gonna live? Rhonda
: With me. Fiona
: You can't just walk out on me. Sam
: You know what, Fiona? You can mess with your hair and your nose and your face, and can even mess with my Dad's diner, but you're through messing with me!
: Wait up, Sam. Fiona
: You take one more step and you're fired! Rhonda
: Oh, no. That won't be necessary because I quit too. And you know what? The only reason why I stayed around and put up with you for all those years is because of that girl. And now that she's free of you, there is nothing stopping me from kicking your butt. Fiona
: [freaks out
] Oh, come on, no. Not my face. It's much newer than the girls. Go for the girls! Sam
: [talks Rhonda out of it
] Rhonda? Rhonda! She's not even worth it. Rhonda
: [jumps her face at Fiona
] Mmph! Fiona
] Aaaah! Rhonda
: You're right. Eleanor
: You know what? I quit too. Bobby
: Me too! Hey, Rhonda and Eleanor, hold up. I need a ride. See ya!
[the staff all finally walk out permanently with the customers following suit
] Man with plate of food
: [to a disgraced Fiona
] Send me a bill.