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: Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy? Vern
: If I could only have one food for the rest of my life? That's easy-Pez. Cherry-flavored Pez. No question about it. Teddy
: Goofy's a dog. He's definitely a dog. Gordie
: I knew the $64,000 question was fixed. There's no way anybody could know that much about opera! Chris
: He can't be a dog. He drives a car and wears a hat. Gordie
: Wagon Train's a really cool show, but did you notice they never get anywhere? They just keep wagon training. Vern
: Oh, God. That's weird. What the hell is Goofy?
: Ha ha, Gordie loses! You lose Gordie! Ol' Gordie just screwed the pooch! Gordie
: Does the word "retarded" mean anything to you? Teddy
: Gordie, go get the food, you morphodite. Gordie
: Don't call me any of your mother's pet names. Teddy
: You're a real wet end, Lachance. Gordie
: Shut up. Teddy
: I don't shut up. I grow up. And when I look at you, I throw up. Aghhh! Gordie
: And then your mom goes around the corner and she licks it up.
: [after dropping his hamburger in the campfire by accident
] This isn't funny! What am I supposed to eat? Teddy
: You could cook your dick. Chris
: It'd be a small meal.
: Come on you guys. Let's get moving. Teddy
: Yeah, by the time we get there, the kid won't even be dead anymore.
: Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman? Teddy
: What are you, cracked? Vern
: Why not? I saw the other day. He was carrying five elephants in one hand! Teddy
: Boy, you don't know nothing! Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman's a real guy. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy. Vern
: Yeah, maybe you're right. It'd be a good fight, though.
: ...the main guy of the story is a fat kid that nobody likes named Davie Hogan. Vern
: Like Charlie Hogan's brother. If he had one. Chris
: Good Vern. Go on, Gordie. Gordie
: Well this kid is our age but he's fat. Real fat. He weighs close to one-eighty. But you know, it's not his fault. It's his glands. Vern
: Oh yeah, my cousin's like that, sincerely. She weighs over three hundred pounds! Supposed to be Hyboid Gland or something. Well, I don't know about any Hyboid Glands, but what a blimp! No shit. She looks like a Thanksgiving turkey. And you know this one time... Chris
: Shut up, Vern. Vern
: Yeah, yeah, right. Go on, Gordie, it's a swell story.
[after they had dinner
: Nothing like a smoke after a meal. Teddy
: Yeah... I cherish these moments.
: What? What did I say?
: You guys wanna go see a dead body?
: Did your mother have any kids that lived? Vern
: What do you mean?
: I wasn't that scared. I wasn't. Sincerely. Gordie
: Okay. Then you won't mind if we check the seat of your jockies for Hershey squirts, will you? Vern
: Go screw.
: Geez, Gordie. Why couldn't you have gotten breakfast stuff? Like Twinkies and Pez and Root Beer? Gordie
: Sorry, Vern. I guess a more experienced shopper could have gotten more for your seven cents.
: What am I supposed to do, think of everything? I brought the comb! Teddy
: Oh, great! You brought the comb! What did you bring a comb for? You don't even have any hair!
: There's one thing I didn't understand. Did Lardass have to pay to get in the contest?
[Chris and Teddy sighs
: No, Vern. They just let him in.
[after the boys have fallen into a lake
: I told you we should of stuck to the tracks. Teddy
: Is it me, or are you the world's biggest pussy? Vern
: I suppose this is fun for you? Teddy
: No... but this is.
[Teddy dunks Vern into the lake
[as Lardass walks across the stage to his seat the Benevolent Order of Antelopes mock him in rhythm with his steps
[They fall silent as Lardass glares at them, but then they resume their mockery as soon as he starts moving again
: Boom-baba-boom-baba-boom. Mayor Grundy
: And now, the one you've all been waiting for, the four-time champion, our own, Bill Travis!
[Cheers and applause; Mayor aside to Travis
] Mayor Grundy
: Listen, I got ten ridin' on you myself, Billy-boy.
[Now he speaks to the crowd
] Mayor Grundy
: Alright, are you ready? Hands behind your backs, gentlemen! Drum roll! Donelley Twin
, Donelley Twin
: Hey, Lardass! Chow down, Wide Load! Mayor Grundy
: Heh-heh-heh... GO!
[the contestants bury their faces and begin eating. Within a few seconds, Lardass has finished his first pie
] Lardass Hogan
[Lardass finishes his second pie
] Lardass Hogan
[Bill Travis finishes his first pie
] Bill Travis
: Done! Lardass Hogan
: [Lardass finishes his third pie
] Done! Mayor Grundy
: [to Lardass
] You better pace yourself if you wanna hold out, boy.
[Lardass continues and the crowd starts to cheer him on
: Lardass! Lardass! Gordie
: What the audience didn't know was that Lardass wasn't really interested in winning. What he wanted was revenge, and right before he was introduced he'd gotten ready for it.
[Cut to flashback scene showing Lardass drinking a quart bottle of Castor Oil and eating a raw egg just before the start of the contest; cut back to the contest in progress
: Diving into his fifth pie, Lardass began to imagine that he wasn't eating pies. He pretended he was eating cow-plops, and rat guts in blueberry sauce. Crowd
: Lardass! Lardass! Lardass Hogan
[Lardass prepares to dive into his sixth pie, but then his stomach starts rumbling
: Slowly, a sound started to build in Lardass' stomach. A strange and scary sound, like a log truck coming at you at a hundred miles-an-hour. Suddenly, Lardass opened his mouth, and before Bill Travis knew it...
[Lardass barfs all over Bill
: ... he was covered with five pies worth of used blueberries. The women in the audience screamed. Bossman Bob Cormier took one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins, who barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits. But when the smell hit the crowd, that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what he'd created-a complete and total barf-o-rama! Vern
: [Cheering and laughing
: Ha-ha! You flinched! Two for flinching! Two for flinching!
[Teddy punches him twice in the arm
: ...B-but... you flinched! Teddy
: I know. Two for flinching.
: Any of you guys know when the next train is due? Chris
: We could go down to the route 1-36 bridge. Teddy
: What are you, crazy? That's 5 miles down the river, you go 5 miles down the river you gotta walk 5 miles back! That could take 'til dark. We go across here we can get to the same place in 10 minutes. Vern
: Yeah, but if a train comes there's nowhere else to go. Teddy
: No there isn't, we just jump. Chris
: Teddy, it's 100 feet. Vern
: Yeah, Teddy. Teddy
: Look, you guys can go around if you want to, I'm crossing here, and when you guys are dragging your candy asses half way across the state and back, I'll be waiting for you on the other side relaxing with my thoughts. Gordie
: You use your left hand or your right hand for that? Teddy
: You wish.
: You think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman? Teddy
: What are you cracked? Vern
: Why not? I saw the other day, he was carrying 5 elephants in one hand. Teddy
: Boy, you don't know nothin', Mighty Mouse is a cartoon, Superman is a real guy, no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy. Vern
: Yeah, maybe you're right... would be a good fight though! Teddy