Teddy Duchamp
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Quotes for
Teddy Duchamp (Character)
from Stand by Me (1986)

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Stand by Me (1986)
Gordie: Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy?
Vern: If I could only have one food for the rest of my life? That's easy-Pez. Cherry-flavored Pez. No question about it.
Teddy: Goofy's a dog. He's definitely a dog.
Gordie: I knew the $64,000 question was fixed. There's no way anybody could know that much about opera!
Chris: He can't be a dog. He drives a car and wears a hat.
Gordie: Wagon Train's a really cool show, but did you notice they never get anywhere? They just keep wagon training.
Vern: Oh, God. That's weird. What the hell is Goofy?

Teddy: You lose Gordie! Ha ha ha ha ha! Gordie loses! Oh, Gordie just screwed the pooch!
Gordie: Does the word "retarded" mean anything to you?
Teddy: Gordie, go get the food, you morphodite.
Gordie: Don't call me any of your mother's pet names.
Teddy: What a wet end you are, Lachance.
Gordie: Shut up.
Teddy, Vern, Chris: I don't shut up. I grow up. And when I look at you, I throw up. Aghhh!
Gordie: And then, your mother goes around the corner and she licks it up.

Teddy: Jesus H. bald-headed Christ!

Teddy: This is my age! I'm in the prime of my youth, and I'll only be young once!
Chris: Yeah, but you're gonna be stupid for the rest of your life.

Chris: How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
Teddy: Hey, I'm French, okay?
Chris: Your garbage cans are empty and your dog's pregnant.
[Chris and Gordie laugh]
Teddy: Didn't I just say I was French?

Vern: [after dropping his hamburger in the campfire by accident] This isn't funny! What am I supposed to eat?
Teddy: You could cook your dick.
Chris: It'd be a small meal.

Vern: Come on you guys. Let's get moving.
Teddy: Yeah, by the time we get there, the kid won't even be dead anymore.

Chris: You four-eyed pile of shit!
Teddy: A pile of shit has a thousand eyes.

Vern: Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?
Teddy: What are you, cracked?
Vern: Why not? I saw the other day. He was carrying five elephants in one hand!
Teddy: Boy, you don't know nothing! Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman's a real guy. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.
Vern: Yeah, maybe you're right. It'd be a good fight, though.

Milo: Chopper! Sic'em, boy!
The Writer: Now he said, "Sic'em, boy!" But what I heard was, "Chopper! Sic balls!"
Gordie: [Chopper turns out to be a small golden retriever] *That's* Chopper?
Teddy: Ha ha ha! Come on, Choppy! Bite my ass, Choppy! Bite my ass! Bite shit. Come on, Choppy! Sic balls, Choppy!
Milo: Stop teasing that dog, you hear me! Stop teasing him! Sonny, I'm gonna beat your ass, teasing my dog like that!
Teddy: Yeah? I'd like to see you climb over this fence and get me, fat ass!
Milo: Don't you call me that, you little tin weasel peckerwood looney's son.
Teddy: What did you call me?
Milo: I know who you are. You're Teddy Duchamp. Your dad's a looney. A looney up in the nuthouse in Togus. He took your ear and he put it to a stove and burnt it off.
Teddy: My father stormed the beach at Normandy.
Milo: He's crazier than a shithouse rat. No wonder you're acting the way you are with a looney for a father.
Teddy: You call my dad a looney again, I'll kill you.
Milo: Looney, looney, looney!
Teddy: I'm gonna rip your head off and shit down your neck!

[after they had dinner]
Vern: Nothing like a smoke after a meal.
Teddy: Yeah... I cherish these moments.
[group chuckles]
Teddy: What? What did I say?

Teddy: [crying] He ranked my old man!

Teddy: You die, Chambers!

Teddy: Did your mother have any kids that lived?
Vern: What do you mean?

Teddy: That was the all-time train dodge! Too cool! Vern, you were so scared you looked like that fat guy, Abbott Costello, when he saw the mummy.

Teddy: I'll kill you!
Milo: You come on and try it, you slimy bastard.
Chris: He wants you to come over there so he can beat the piss out of you and take you to the cops.
Milo: You watch your mouth, smart guy! Let him do his own fighting.
Gordie: Sure, you only outweigh him by 500 pounds, fat ass!
Milo: I know your name. You're Lachance. I know all you guys and all your fathers are gonna get a call from me. Except for the looney up in Togus.
Teddy: I'll kill you!
Milo: You foul-mouthed whore master!
Teddy: You son of a bitch! Nobody ranks on my old man! My father stormed the beach at Normandy! He stormed the beach, you faggot!

[the boys are having trouble designing how to get across the river]
Teddy: Okay, you guys can go around if you want. I'm crossing here. And while you guys are dragging your candy asses half way across the state and back, I'll be waiting on the other side, relaxing with my thoughts.
Gordie: You use your left hand or right hand to do that?
Teddy: You wish.

[repeated line]
Teddy: Two for flinching!

Chris: [while playing gin rummy] I knock.
Teddy: What? You liar! You ain't got no pat hand. You didn't deal yourself no pat hand!
Chris: Make your draw, shit-heap!

Vern: What am I supposed to do, think of everything? I brought the comb!
Teddy: Oh, great! You brought the comb! What did you bring a comb for? You don't even have any hair!

Teddy: I'm sorry if I'm spoiling everybody's good time.
Chris: It's okay, man.
Gordie: I'm not sure it should be a good time.
Chris: You saying you wanna go back?
Gordie: No. We're going to see a dead kid... maybe it shouldn't be a party.

[after the boys have fallen into a lake]
Vern: I told you we should of stuck to the tracks.
Teddy: Is it me, or are you the world's biggest pussy?
Vern: I suppose this is fun for you?
Teddy: No... but this is.
[Teddy dunks Vern into the lake]

Charlie Hogan: Besides, me and Billy found him first!
Teddy: Yeah, Vern told us how you found him!
[in a high, mocking voice]
Teddy: Oh Billy, I wish we'd never boosted that car! Oh Billy, I think I just turned my Fruit-of-the-Looms into a fudge factory!

[as Lardass walks across the stage to his seat the Benevolent Order of Antelopes mock him in rhythm with his steps]
Crowd: Boom-baba-boom-baba...
[They fall silent as Lardass glares at them, but then they resume their mockery as soon as he starts moving again]
Crowd: Boom-baba-boom-baba-boom.
Mayor Grundy: And now, the one you've all been waiting for, the four-time champion, our own, Bill Travis!
[Cheers and applause; Mayor aside to Travis]
Mayor Grundy: Listen, I got ten ridin' on you myself, Billy-boy.
[Now he speaks to the crowd]
Mayor Grundy: Alright, are you ready? Hands behind your backs, gentlemen! Drum roll!
Donelley Twin, Donelley Twin: Hey, Lardass! Chow down, Wide Load!
Mayor Grundy: Heh-heh-heh... GO!
[the contestants bury their faces and begin eating. Within a few seconds, Lardass has finished his first pie]
Lardass Hogan: Done!
[Lardass finishes his second pie]
Lardass Hogan: Done!
[Bill Travis finishes his first pie]
Bill Travis: Done!
Lardass Hogan: [Lardass finishes his third pie] Done!
Mayor Grundy: [to Lardass] You better pace yourself if you wanna hold out, boy.
[Lardass continues and the crowd starts to cheer him on]
Crowd: Lardass! Lardass!
Gordie: What the audience didn't know was that Lardass wasn't really interested in winning. What he wanted was revenge, and right before he was introduced he'd gotten ready for it.
[Cut to flashback scene showing Lardass drinking a quart bottle of Castor Oil and eating a raw egg just before the start of the contest; cut back to the contest in progress]
Gordie: Diving into his fifth pie, Lardass began to imagine that he wasn't eating pies. He pretended he was eating cow-plops, and rat guts in blueberry sauce.
Crowd: Lardass! Lardass!
Lardass Hogan: Done!
[Lardass prepares to dive into his sixth pie, but then his stomach starts rumbling]
Gordie: Slowly, a sound started to build in Lardass' stomach. A strange and scary sound, like a log truck coming at you at a hundred miles-an-hour. Suddenly, Lardass opened his mouth, and before Bill Travis knew it...
[Lardass barfs all over Bill]
Gordie: ... he was covered with five pies worth of used blueberries. The women in the audience screamed. Bossman Bob Cormier took one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins, who barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits. But when the smell hit the crowd, that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what he'd created-a complete and total barf-o-rama!
Vern, Teddy, Chris: [Cheering and laughing] Yeah!

Vern: Ha-ha! You flinched! Two for flinching! Two for flinching!
[Teddy punches him twice in the arm]
Vern: ...B-but... you flinched!
Teddy: I know. Two for flinching.

Vern: Any of you guys know when the next train is due?
Chris: We could go down to the route 1-36 bridge.
Teddy: What are you, crazy? That's 5 miles down the river, you go 5 miles down the river you gotta walk 5 miles back! That could take 'til dark. We go across here we can get to the same place in 10 minutes.
Vern: Yeah, but if a train comes there's nowhere else to go.
Teddy: No there isn't, we just jump.
Chris: Teddy, it's 100 feet.
Vern: Yeah, Teddy.
Teddy: Look, you guys can go around if you want to, I'm crossing here, and when you guys are dragging your candy asses half way across the state and back, I'll be waiting for you on the other side relaxing with my thoughts.
Gordie: You use your left hand or your right hand for that?
Teddy: You wish.

Vern: You think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?
Teddy: What are you cracked?
Vern: Why not? I saw the other day, he was carrying 5 elephants in one hand.
Teddy: Boy, you don't know nothin', Mighty Mouse is a cartoon, Superman is a real guy, no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.
Vern: Yeah, maybe you're right... would be a good fight though!
Teddy: Tssh.