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Quotes for
Ted Olsen (Character)
from The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

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"Police Squad!: Revenge and Remorse (The Guilty Alibi) (#1.4)" (1982)
Ted Olson: Why don't you run along now Katie, and next week I'll show you why women can't play professional football.

Ted Olson: [attempting to hold a cat underwater] So you see Katie, fish have gills to extract oxygen from water. But air breathing species have lungs which are equipped only to accept oxygen in its natural state. And that's why most mammals must live on land.
Katie: Wow, that's neat.

"Police Squad!: A Substantial Gift (The Broken Promise) (#1.1)" (1982)
Ted Olson: These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson. Watch carefully as I test fire this gun into these video tapes of Barbara Walters interviews.
[fires gun]
Ted Olson: As you can see, it completely destroys the Burt Reynolds interview, and everything from Bo Derek to Paul Newman - but only up to the point where Barbara asks him "is it difficult to love?" Now let me show you what happens when the gun is fired from three feet, which is the distance Sally claimed the shots were fired from.
[fires second gun]
Ted Olson: Notice, complete destruction, right up to the point where she asks Katharine Hepburn what kind of tree she'd like to be.

Ted Olson: So Billy, when the moisture in the air comes in contact with the cold pitcher, it forms water droplets. What we call condensation. Just like your mother when she gets out of the shower, glistening with tiny little beads of... - oh, hi Frank.