Lt. Frank Drebin
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The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear (1991)
[Frank meets Jane after a long time]
Lt. Frank Drebin: How are the children?
Jane Spencer: We didn't have any children.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Yes, of course.
Jane Spencer: How was your prostate operation?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, good. Fine. Never been better.

Dr. Mainheimer: It's a terrible thing that's happened here, Lieutenant. I do hope you will find the people responsible.
Lt. Frank Drebin: I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic, Doctor, but we've got a long road ahead of us. It's like having sex. It's a painstaking and arduous task that seems to go on and on forever, and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.

Lt. Frank Drebin: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane Spencer: He's Caucasian.
Ed Hocken: Caucasian?
Jane Spencer: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Awfully big moustache.

Lt. Frank Drebin: Hector Savage. From Detroit. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago.
Ed Hocken: Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of Kid Minneapolis.
Nordberg: I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once. In Cincinnati.
Lt. Frank Drebin: No you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly.
Ed Hocken: He was killed in the ring in Houston. By Tex Colorado. You know, the Arizona Assassin.
Nordberg: Yeah, from Dakota. I don't remember it was North or South.
Lt. Frank Drebin: North. South Dakota was his brother. From West Virginia.
Ed Hocken: You sure know your boxing.
Lt. Frank Drebin: All I know is never bet on the white guy.
[Nordberg nods in agreement]

Terence Baggett: [sniffs] What's that smell?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, that would be me. I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!

Lt. Frank Drebin: Real nice party, Hapsburg... I see a lot of familiar face-lifts.

Quentin Hapsburg: Que sera sera... You do speak French, don't you?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Unfortunately no, but I do kiss that way.

[Lt. Frank Drebin is unhappy about Dr. Mainheimer]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Have you noticed anything different about him?
Jane Spencer: Well, only that he's a foot taller, and he seems to be left handed now... Frank, what are you trying to tell me? That Quentin has somehow found an exact double for Dr. Mainheimer and that tomorrow that double will give a fraudulent report to the president?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Why that's brilliant, that's a lot better than what I came up with.

[Lt. Frank Drebin making a speech at the White House]
Lt. Frank Drebin: ...blowing away a fleeing suspect with my 44 magnum used to mean everything to me, I enjoyed it, well who wouldn't?

[Frank makes a speech at the White House]
Lt. Frank Drebin: I want a world where Frank Junior and all the Frank Juniors can sit under a shade tree, breathe the air, swim in the ocean, and go into a 7-Eleven without an interpreter. I want a world where I can eat a sea otter without getting sick! I want a world where the democrats will put somebody up there worth voting for! I may not get there with you, but most of all, I want a world where I can wake up each morning with this woman, whom I love!

Lt. Frank Drebin: Go ahead, threaten me like you have the American people for so long! You're part of a dying breed, Hapsburg, like people who can name all fifty states! The truth hurts, doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh sure, maybe not as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts!

Lt. Frank Drebin: Miss, I'm Lt. Frank Drebin, and this is Captain Ed Hocken, Police Squad.
Busty Female Shop Assistant: Is this some kind of bust?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well... it's very impressive, yes, but we need to ask you a few questions.

[Lt. Frank Drebin and Ed Hocken are in a sex shop making inquiries]
Lt. Frank Drebin: We're looking for Hector Savage. Where is he?
Busty Female Shop Assistant: Why should I tell you, copper?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Because I'm the last line of defense between sleaze like this and the decent people of this town.
[a male shop assistant walks in from a back storeroom]
Sex Shop Assistant: Oh, hi, Frank. Say, we finally got that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine that you ordered.
Lt. Frank Drebin: [to the Female Assistant; embarassed] It's a gift.

Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants?

Lt. Frank Drebin: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.
Captain Ed Hocken: Sex, Frank?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.

Lt. Frank Drebin: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
[Music stops playing. Everyone stops talking and stares at him]
Lt. Frank Drebin: [to everybody] I mean at the time I was dating a lot.

Lt. Frank Drebin: [describing Jane; voice-over] I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say... "Hey! Look at these!" She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it.
Ed Hocken: Frank, snap out of it! You're looking at her like she was your mother for Christ's sake!

Lt. Frank Drebin: You know, sometimes I envy you and Edna. You have the same person every day for over 30 years. You wake up, eat with her, sleep with her. Make love to the same woman.
[Ed looks increasingly disgusted as Frank goes on]
Lt. Frank Drebin: You spend every possible waking moment together, while I'm out running around with a bunch of 20-year-olds who only want a good time and cheap sex sex sex. Girls who can't say no. Girls who can't get enough. "More, more, more. It's your turn now to wear the handcuffs... "
[Ed starts foaming at the mouth... literally]
Lt. Frank Drebin: I just want love, Ed.
Ed Hocken: I'm sure you'll... find love, Frank.

Lt. Frank Drebin: Looks like the cows have come home to roost.

Lt. Frank Drebin: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!

Banquet Doorman: Your coat, sir?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Yes, it is. And I have a receipt to prove it.

Quentin Hapsburg: I don't recall your name on the guest list.
Lt. Frank Drebin: That's OK. I sometimes go by my maiden name.

Quentin Hapsburg: Do you gamble?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Every time I order out.

Jane Spencer: I feel like such a fool. I should have never doubted you.
Lt. Frank Drebin: There, there. You had no way of knowing the man you were dating was a vicious, murdering sociopath.

Quentin Hapsburg: We'll be at the reception. Make sure nothing happens to him while I'm gone. Then, I want the pleasure of killing you myself.
Lt. Frank Drebin: The pleasure is all mine.
[Hapsburg nods, then frowns]

[after the explosion, Frank sees two bodies on the verge of death; he confronts one]
Lt. Frank Drebin: All right. Where is Hapsburg?
Explosion Thug #1: [groans in pain]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Where were you hit?
Explosion Thug #1: It's not that. You're on my groin!
Lt. Frank Drebin: [gets off] Oh. Sorry. All right, now! Where is he?
Explosion Thug #1: You're too late. Hapsburg has plan "B" in... In... In...
[dies before he continues]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Where? Where?
[drops the first thug]
Lt. Frank Drebin: All right. Who else is almost dead?
Explosion Thug #2: [raises his hand]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Okay, now.
[grabs the 2nd thug]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Talk!
Explosion Thug #2: You're too late, Drebin.
Lt. Frank Drebin: He already said that.
Explosion Thug #2: Where did he leave off?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh, "Hapsburg has plan "B" in...".
Explosion Thug #2: Oh, yeah. Hapsburg has plan "B" in... In...
Lt. Frank Drebin: Where? Where? Talk, you low-life scum!
Explosion Thug #2: Gee. If that's your attitude, forget it!
[he chokes and dies]

Quentin Hapsburg: Any final requests, Lieutenant?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Er, yes... Can I have the gun?
Quentin Hapsburg: Ohh no! I'm not going to fall for that one!

President George Bush: Frank, please consider filling a post I'm creating. It may mean long hours and dangerous nights, surrounded by some of the scummiest elements in our society.
Lt. Frank Drebin: You want me to be in your cabinet?

Waiter: Telephone call, commissioner.
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Thank you.
[picks up phone]
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Hello?... He did what?... How many animals escaped?... Oh, my God...
Lt. Frank Drebin: Good evening, commissioner. You're looking lovely tonight.
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Do you realize that because of you this city is being overrun by baboons?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?
[Frank walks away, leaving Commissioner Brumford with an astonished face]

Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce a most special American. Tonight, he is being honoured for his 1000th drug-dealer killed.
Lt. Frank Drebin: [to applause] Thank you. But, in all honesty, the last three I backed over with my car. Luckily, they turned out to be drug-dealers.

Lt. Frank Drebin: Congratulations, Ed! I hear Edna's pregnant again.
Ed Hocken: Yeah, and when I find the guy that did it...

Lt. Frank Drebin: Dr. Mainheimer.
Earl Hacker: Yes?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Or should I say, Hacker!
[Frank rips off his fake mustache]
Earl Hacker: Drebin! Errrr...!
[Hacker gets up from his wheelchair and attempts to attack Frank, but Frank attacks him repeatedly making Hacker helpless]

Waiter: Sir?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Gimme the strongest thing you got.
[Waiter brings over a greased-up muscle man. Drebin flounders]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh... on second thought, how about a black Russian?
Waiter: Very well sir.
[raises eyebrow, looks at camera, shakes head and walks off]

Lt. Frank Drebin: [greeting the wheelchair bound Dr. Manheimer] Don't get up.

Lt. Frank Drebin: [on phone] Ed, I'm onto something big. I'm gonna need you and Nordberg tomorrow.
[pause]
Lt. Frank Drebin: What's he doing in Detroit?
[pause]
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, send him plane fare and a new pair of pants.

Lt. Frank Drebin: [Frank, Ed, and Nordberg are staking out Hapsburg's hideout.Frank is communicating with Ed Hocken by way of a walkie talkie] Ed, I'm gonna try the roof.
Lt. Frank Drebin: [after unsuccessfully attempting to scale the roof with a grappling hook] Ed, I'm gonna try it again.

Commissioner Anabell Brumford: [Drebin has just run a tank into a zoo, causing zoo animals to escape]
[on the phone]
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: He did what?
[pause]
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: How many escaped?
[pause]
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Oh my god.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Good evening Commissioner, you look lovely.
Commissioner Anabell Brumford: [angry] Do you realize that because of you this city is being overrun by baboons?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Isn't that the fault of the voters?

Lt. Frank Drebin: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a boy scout leader!
[room turns silent]
Lt. Frank Drebin: I mean at the time... I was dating a lot.

Lt. Frank Drebin: [Waiter at Blue Note hands him a drink] I've got one already.
Waiter: It's from the lady
[Frank looks up. Jane waves at him from across the room]
Lt. Frank Drebin: [Sitting down again after making his way across the room] I just want someone to hold, someone to love.
Jane Spencer: [Interrupting him from a nearby table] Frank, I'm over here.
[Frank looks up and discovers that the table occupied by a man. The man looks at him tersely]


The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)
Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem.
Jane: What did you do about it?
Frank: I just think about baseball.

Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane: Goodyear?
Frank: No, the worst.

Frank: Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.

Frank: It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press.

Mayor: Drebin, I don't want anymore trouble like you had last year on the South Side. Understand? That's my policy.
Frank: Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's *my* policy.
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of "Julius Caesar", you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones.

Frank: I'm telling ya, the answer's up there in Ludwig's office. Call it what you will. A hunch, woman's intuition. That guy Ludwig knows a lot more than he's telling us.
Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Where are your hard facts?
Frank: Look. He's the only one outside of ourselves who knew that Nordberg was still alive. Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off in the hospital.
Ed: That may be, but breaking into Ludwig's office, you're takin' a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.

Frank: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.

Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.

Frank: Interesting... almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.
Jane: I was young! I needed the work!

[Jane climbs a ladder]
Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.

[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]
Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!
Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.
Frank: Well, uh...
[Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]

[Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]
Frank: Oh, and one more thing... I faked every orgasm!
Jane: [heartbroken] Oh, Funny Face!

Jane: I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop. I'm a very lucky woman.
Frank: So am I...

[Drebin searches a drawer]
Frank: Bingo!
[pulls out a bingo card]

[offering a cigar]
Vincent Ludwig: Cuban?
Frank: No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.

Jane: Would you like a nightcap?
Frank: No, thank you, I don't wear them.

Ludwig: So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?
Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.

[while Jane is erotically sucking his finger]
Frank: I've got nine more.

Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Frank: It's hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...

Frank: Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.

Frank: I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.

[Frank recalls a prior love]
Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.

Jane: I was only doing what I was told to do.
Frank: Like make love to me?
Jane: [gasps] FRANK!
[slaps him across the face]

[Frank Drebin walks through town]
Frank: [narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?

Ed: You want to take a dinghy?
Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.

Jane: I'm boiling a roast. How hot and wet do you like it?
Frank: Very hot, and awfully wet.

[Frank grabs a baseball bat and gets one of the umpire's attention]
Frank: Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me... is this an official bat?
[Frank strikes the umpire's head with the bat knocking him out]

[in the midst of a fight in a Conference room, Frank wipes off Mikhail Gorbachev's birthmark. Frank looks at us]
Frank: I knew it!
[Frank throws Gorbachev through a wall]

[Frank has beaten a horde of America's most-feared world leaders in a conference room and heads for a door]
Muammar al-Qaddafi: Hey, who are you?
Frank: I'm Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!
[the door hits Frank in the face and he loses his balance]

Ed: [after Ludwig has been hit with a poison Dart, fallen off a building, run over by a car and a steam roller and trampled by a marching band] Oh, Frank! It's horrible. It's so horrible!
Frank: [comforts Ed] I know...
Ed: My father went the same way...

Jane: How about a rain check?
Frank: Well, let's just stick to dinner.

[Frank knocks on the door of Enrico Pallazzo's room. Enrico opened the door]
Enrico Pallazzo: Yes?
Frank: Mr. Pallazzo?
Enrico Pallazzo: Si?
Frank: I'm the head usher.
Enrico Pallazzo: Ah!
Frank: I'm here to tell you... Excuse me.
[Enrico turns around and Frank struck his back]
Enrico Pallazzo: Uggh!
[Frank temporarily knocks out Enrico and closes the door as he takes Enrico into the room. Then, the stadium head usher arrives and knocks on the door where Frank took Enrico into]
Stadium Head Usher: Mr. Pallazzo?
Frank: [opens the door] Yes?
Stadium Head Usher: I'm the head usher.
Frank: One second.

Vincent Ludwig: Drebin!
Jane: Frank!
Frank: You're both right.

Frank: It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!

Frank: [sings] Oh say can you see / By the dawn's early light / What so proudly we hail / In the twilight's last gleaming? / Whose bright stripes and broad stars / In the perilous night / For the ramparts we watched / uh, da-da-da-da-da-daaaa. / And the rocket's red glare / Lots of bombs in the air / Gave proof to the night / That we still had our flag. / Oh say does that flag banner wave / Over a-a-all that's free / And the home of the land / And the land of the - FREE!

Frank: Ludwig!
Thug: Drebin!
Frank: Yeah, I'm Drebin!
Thug: I have a message for ya from Vincent Ludwig!
[fires his gun at Frank]
Thug: Take that, you lousy cop!
Frank: I'm sorry! I can't hear ya! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!

[Nordberg is being visited in the hospital by his wife, Wilma, along with Frank and Ed, after Nordberg had barely survived a massive gunfire by a group of ruffians. Wilma is taking the unfortunate circumstance pretty hard, and with no help from Frank's blunt assumptions and remarks about the situation]
Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Ed: It's hard to tell.
Frank: [being blunt] A roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...
[Wilma sobs]
Ed: Frank, get a hold of yourself!
Frank: A good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlum.
Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
Frank: [being blunt] Ah, you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!
Mrs. Nordberg: [Wilma sobs again] Oh... Frank! Oh, this is terrible!
Ed: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: [being blunt] He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
[Wilma sobs again]
Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.
Frank: [being blunt] Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.
[Wilma sobs again]

[Frank is interrogating Nordberg about the source of his incident, while Nordberg is only partly conscious from anesthesia, which Frank is incompetently unaware of]
Frank: Nordberg, it's me, Frank. Now, who did this to you?
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] I... love... you.
Frank: I love you, too, Nordberg. Who were they?
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Ship... boat.
Frank: That's right, Nordberg. A boat. Now, when you're better, we'll go sailing together on a boat. We'll take a cruise just like last year.
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] No... Drugs...
Frank: Hey, Nurse! Quick! Give this man some drugs! Quick! Can't you see he's in pain? Give him a shot quickly!
[nurse administers drugs]
Det. Nordberg: No... no...
[pulls Frank towards him]
Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Heroin... Heroin, Frank!
Frank: Uh, Nordberg... that's a pretty tall order. You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.


Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (1994)
[during prison riot]
Rocco Dillon: I've been watching you McGurke. You handle yourself really good.
Frank Drebin: Really well.
Rocco Dillon: Whatever.

Jane Spencer: Now I know why Ed's been calling every half hour. You've been back on a case, haven't you?
Frank Drebin: No, no, I swear, it's another woman.
Jane Spencer: In your wildest dreams.

[Frank Drebin is stopped at the entrance to the Oscars]
Frank Drebin: Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad.
Guard: Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro.
Frank Drebin: Mr. De Niro, we've got to get inside.

Frank Drebin: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Frank Drebin: Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out.

Tanya Peters: What are you doing?
Frank Drebin: Oh! I was, uh, just conjugating my next move.
Tanya Peters: Your bishop's exposed.
Frank Drebin: It's these pants.

Tanya Peters: You're all man. I like that in my men.
Frank Drebin: You're coming on to me big time, sister. You're preying on me like a kitten with a fresh mouse. And we got a problem.
Tanya Peters: You're Jewish?
Frank Drebin: No. You're Rocko's girl, and in my book that chapter's called "look but don't touch."
Tanya Peters: I could have two lovers.
Frank Drebin: Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

[Frank offers Tanya a cigarette]
Frank Drebin: Cigarette?
Tanya Peters: Yes, I know.

Ed Hocken: There's only one way to find out where Rocco's gonna strike next. We're gonna hafta send someone into Statesville Prison.
Frank Drebin: I'll do it.
Ed Hocken: Frank, I couldn't. I wouldn't feel right about that. If Rocco finds out you're a cop, you might end up dead!
Frank Drebin: You might end up dead is my middle name.
Ed Hocken: What about Jane?
Frank Drebin: I don't know her middle name. But, Ed, I need the action. I'm going inside the big house.

Frank Drebin: Mrs. Dillon, your son is a ruthless, cold-blooded, sadistic animal. You must be proud of him.
Muriel Dillon: I am.

Rocco Dillon: Where's your prison number?
Frank Drebin: It's unlisted.

Tyrone: You just watch your step, McGurke. This place here changes a man.
Frank Drebin: Yeah? In what way?
Tyrone: I used to be white. I was the drummer for the Osmonds.
Rocko Dillon: Screw around with me, and Tyrone here will make you feel pain that you'd never belive.
Frank Drebin: Yeah, I remember the Osmonds.

Frank Drebin: Well... We shot a lot of people together. It's been great. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, it'll have to be within the confines of my own home. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party.

Frank Drebin: Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. It's just I won't ever see you again.

Dr. Stuart Eisendrath: You know, I feel it's important to get off on the right foot and not get caught up in blame. Now, which one of you is impotent?
Jane Spencer: Uh, that would be him.
Frank Drebin: Why don't you ask who's frigid?
Jane Spencer: Uh, that would be him also.

Ed Hocken: We heard about you and Jane.
Frank Drebin: Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her.

[in the prison cafeteria]
Frank Drebin: Hey! You call this slop? Real slop has got chunks of things in it! This is more like gruel! And this Château le Blanc '68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What do you think we are? Animals?
Convicts: NO!
Frank Drebin: What are we?
[the entire hall is silent]
Mess Hall Convict: Homo sapiens?
Frank Drebin: You're right! We're men! We are men!
Frank Drebin, Convicts: [all chant] WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN!

Frank Drebin: They're going to blow that place sky high. It'll be a tragedy. Unless it's during a dance number.

Dr. Kohlzak: [at a Sperm Bank and Fertility Clinic, unbeknownst to Frank, who's faking an old football injury] When did you first notice the problem?
Frank Drebin: In the backyard, with my uncle.
Dr. Kohlzak: In the backyard... with your uncle?
Frank Drebin: Yes, when he comes over we like to go out in the backyard and throw it around for a while.
Dr. Kohlzak: And what did you and your uncle find out?
Frank Drebin: Oh, I can't keep up with him, mine hurt especially on the long ones. I can't seem to straighten it out, it has no feeling, it's... it's kind of numb. I may have yanked it too much, maybe.
Dr. Kohlzak: [hands him a cup and opens a door to another room] If you would.
Frank Drebin: For what?
Dr. Kohlzak: A sperm count.
Frank Drebin: In here?
Dr. Kohlzak: Well, it's not exactly the backyard, but it'll do.

Frank Drebin: Do you have "Spartacus"?

Frank Drebin: Uh, Raquel, just a second, I just had a thought. This show is being seen all over the world. I was thinking, if we could all just send good thoughts, transmit them through these cameras here, to the elected leader of China, Wing Wa Woo Tong, so that they might finally be nice. Thank you.
[applause]
Raquel Welch: And the winner is...
Frank Drebin: Uh Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation, yet cat food is full of tuna! I can't help but think each time I go to the zoo and see those porpoises, crammed into those tiny tanks, what a waste that is. Butcher half of them now! That's hundreds of pounds of dolphin meat that can be fed to our cats, freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry.
[few people clap]
Raquel Welch: And the winner is...
Frank Drebin: Uh, so many are cold, shivering in the night, so I say, butcher those cats, skin them! Use their fur to keep hundreds warm!
Raquel Welch: [shocked] Jesus, Phil!

Ed Hocken: You haven't shot anybody in six months.
Frank Drebin: That's true. Funny how you miss the little things.

Frank Drebin: [Narrating] Rocco could tell from my little escapade in the shower that I was well endowed... with courage.

[Big Con drops a bar of soap in the prison shower room]
Big Hairy Con: Bend over and pick it up for me, would you lover?
Frank Drebin: Sure. No problem.
[Bends over. His towel falls off, revealing cast iron underwear]

[Frank and Jane approach first cab with Middle Eastern driver]
Frank Drebin: Does that radio work?
Cabbie: [speaks rapidly in Farsi]
[they move to second cab with Rastafarian driver]
Frank Drebin: Call Police Squad! Tell 'em Frank Drebin says...
Cabbie: [speaks rapidly in Jamaican Patois]
[they move to third cab with an African driver]
Frank Drebin: Forget it.
[they leave]
Cabbie: [in refined Colonial English] I wonder what the devil he wanted!

Frank Drebin: [before Jane leaves] Look, baby. I am what I am, and I do what I do. A few guys make shoelaces, some lay sod, others make a very good living neutering animals. I'm a cop!

Frank Drebin: Jane...
Jane Spencer: Frank, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Frank Drebin: Yes! Florence Henderson's gonna win it, and it's about time.
Jane Spencer: No! The bomb is in one of those envelopes!
Frank Drebin: You're right!


"Police Squad!: Revenge and Remorse (The Guilty Alibi) (#1.4)" (1982)
Mimi: Is this some kind of bust?
Det. Frank Drebin: Yes, it's very impressive, but we'd just like to ask a few questions.

Nordberg: [at the scene of a car bombing] I can't believe anyone would do something so cruel.
Det. Frank Drebin: Senseless brutality, senseless waste.
Ed Hocken: Cut down in the prime of life.
Nordberg: That car was a classic, a '68! You suppose the widow would take $1,500 for it?

[a prisoner has gotten loose and is holding the cops at gunpoint]
Prisoner: I got the gun now! And I'm gonna kill all of you... one by one.
[Frank, oblivious, walks through a door, hitting the prisoner and knocking the gun from his hand; all the cops rush the prisoner and arrest him]
Ed Hocken: Good job, Frank!
Det. Frank Drebin: What?

Ed: All right, Eddie, let's say you did go to the movies.
Eddie Casales: Okay.
Ed, Eddie Casales, Det. Frank Drebin: [looking at the camera] You did go to the movies!
Det. Frank Drebin: Then let's say you were nowhere near the Club Flamingo!
Eddie Casales: All right.
Ed, Eddie Casales, Det. Frank Drebin: [looking at the camera again] You were nowhere near the Club Flamingo!

Det. Frank Drebin: Just in time, Eddie.
Eddie Casales: Piece of cake, Lieutenant.
Det. Frank Drebin: No thanks, I just ate.

Det. Frank Drebin: [pulls out a pack of cigarettes] Cigarette?
Mimi: Yes, I know.
Det. Frank Drebin: [puts the pack away] Well...

Ed Hocken: Here I've made out a list for you.
Det. Frank Drebin: [sits down to read list] Monroe, Lynch, Barker, Fanning, Smith, Brookhouse, Casales.
[ring chimes]
Det. Frank Drebin: Wait a minute, that name rings a bell.
Ed Hocken: Eddie Casales?
[another kind of ring, more of a clang this time]
Ed Hocken: Casales...
[fire alarm rings]
Ed Hocken: Casales...
[boxing match bell]
Ed Hocken: Casales...
[Big Ben dong]

Det. Frank Drebin: Do you know where Eddie is right now?
Lana: [close to tears] You might try the Club Flamingo. He hangs out there with some chorus, girl. A floozy named Mimi Du Jour.
Ed Hocken: [taking notes] Du Jour? Is she French?
Lana: That's just her stage name. Her real name is Mimi Coffee.
Ed Hocken: Coffee?
Lana: No, thank you.

Ed Hocken: Did you by any chance have any occasion to know where Eddie was last night?
Mimi: Last night, why yes, he was with me. We went... to the movies.
Det. Frank Drebin: [disbelieving] Oh yeah.
Mimi: Yeah., On the Waterfront.
Ed Hocken: Come on, there are no movie theaters on the waterfront.

Det. Frank Drebin: What were you doing on the waterfront last night, Eddie?
Eddie Casales: I wasn't on the waterfront. I was at the movies.
Ed Hocken: That's not what she says.

Det. Frank Drebin: All right, Eddie. Let's go over it again. Where were you last night?
Eddie Casales: I told you a dozen times, I was at the movies.
Norberg: [Norberg comes in carrying a box of sandwiches] I've got the sandwiches here.
Ed Hocken: All right, Eddie, you went to the movies. Now what did you see?
Eddie Casales: I told you, I don't remember!
Norberg: [sniffs a paper bag] Who had the egg salad?
Ed Hocken: [sarcastic] 'I don't remember'
Norberg: Hey, somebody ordered it.
Det. Frank Drebin: You can't expect us to buy that.
Norberg: But I already paid for it.
Eddie Casales: Why don't you give a guy a break?
Norberg: Thanks a lot.
Eddie Casales: What's the charge, huh?
Norberg: Eh, 4.58.
Ed Hocken: What're you trying to do, insult us?
Norberg: Okay, 3.50. Coffee's on me.
Eddie Casales: I told ya, I went to the movies, I fell asleep, I don't remember!
Det. Frank Drebin: You don't expect us to swallow that!
Norberg: All right, I'll eat it! But I don't think it's fair that I should have to pay for it.
[walks off with sandwiches]

Det. Frank Drebin: [narrating] When I got home I received a call from Mimi Du Jour. She said she wanted to see me at the club right away. Since I had no idea where the Club Rightaway was, I suggested the Club Flamingo. She agreed.

Det. Frank Drebin: Well, it looks like Lana'll be doing her bombing up in the Stateville Prison from now on, up there along with Sally Decker and Martin and Gunderson.

Ed Hocken: Now you said Eddie lied about his alibi?
Det. Frank Drebin: Yeah, he wasn't at the movie. He was over in Milwaukee watching a baseball game. Afraid to tell anyone because crossing over the state line is a violation of parole.
Ed Hocken: Parole violation, huh? Well, what are we gonna do about that?
Det. Frank Drebin: Ah, forget it. There are some things you can't deprive a man of.
Ed Hocken: Well, I'll drink to that, Frank.
[they clink and freeze frame on the spot]


"Police Squad!: Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) (#1.5)" (1982)
Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Det. Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith.

Det. Frank Drebin: Why don't you lie there till Tuesday... that's when they pick up the garbage.

Det. Frank Drebin: [narrating] It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment. She had neglected to give me her address.

Rocky: Betcha'd hate to see something happen to your little key store.
Det. Frank Drebin: What about my little keaster?
Rocky: Key STORE.

Det. Frank Drebin: Now let's say a new merchant moves into the neighbourhood, opens up a shop.
Capt. Ed Hocken: OK...
Det. Frank Drebin, Capt. Ed Hocken: A new merchant moves into the neighbourhood, and opens up a shop.
Det. Frank Drebin: Then let's say that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.
Capt. Ed Hocken: All right.
Det. Frank Drebin, Capt. Ed Hocken: That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Det. Frank Drebin: Cigarette?
Jill the Ballet Teacher: Yes it is.

Det. Frank Drebin: Now we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.
Police officer: [off camera] Frank, please! I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.
Det. Frank Drebin: A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.
[another cop leaves]
Capt. Ed Hocken: [off camera] Oh Frank, cut it out, will you? I'm talking to my mother.

Det. Frank Drebin: The way I look at it, you owe me 100 dollars for that window.
Rocky: Us? I don't know what you're talking about.
Det. Frank Drebin: So how do you explain this?
[hands over the rock that came through the window]
Leo: Well, billions of years ago the Earth was a molten mass...

Det. Frank Drebin: How many of these apartment keys would you like?
Stella: 50. You can mail 49 of them to the Chicago Bears.
[hands over an envelope]

Dutch Gunderson: [on phone with Stella] Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on?
Det. Frank Drebin: [instructing Stella what to say] When you held me in your manly armes and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real woman. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with kisses...
Dutch Gunderson: Honey, I gotta go.

Dutch: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Det. Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith.

Det. Frank Drebin: I'm here to help you. Coffee?
Jill the Ballet Teacher: No thank you.
Det. Frank Drebin: Tea?
Jill the Ballet Teacher: No.
Det. Frank Drebin: [a dessert tray rolls up] Eclair? Rumball? Tort?
Jill the Ballet Teacher: No, really. Thank you.


"Police Squad!: A Substantial Gift (The Broken Promise) (#1.1)" (1982)
Sally Decker: Well, when I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.
Capt. Ed Hocken: He's the teller, Frank.
Det. Frank Drebin: Jim Fell's the teller?
Sally Decker: No, Jim Johnson.
Det. Frank Drebin: Who's Jim Fell?
Capt. Ed Hocken: He's the auditor, Frank.
Sally Decker: He had the flu, so Jim
[pauses]
Sally Decker: filled in.
Det. Frank Drebin: Phil who?
Capt. Ed Hocken: Phil Din. He's the night watchman.
Sally Decker: [crying] If only Phil had been here!

Det. Frank Drebin: Wait a minute, let me get this straight: Twice came in and shot the teller and Jim Fell.
Sally Decker: No, he only shot the teller, Jim Johnson. Fell is ill.
Det. Frank Drebin: Okay, then after he shot the teller, you shot Twice.
Sally Decker: No, I only shot once.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Twice is the hold up man.
Sally Decker: Then I guess I did shoot Twice.
Det. Frank Drebin: Oh, so now you're changing your story.
Sally Decker: No, I shot Twice after Jim fell.
Det. Frank Drebin: You shot twice and Jim Fell?
Sally Decker: No, Jim fell first and then I shot Twice once.
Det. Frank Drebin: Well, who fired twice?
Sally Decker: Once!
Capt. Ed Hocken: He's the owner of the tire company, Frank.
Det. Frank Drebin: [pauses] Okay. Once is the owner of the tire company and he fired Twice. Then Twice shot the teller once.
Sally Decker: Twice.
Det. Frank Drebin: ...and Jim fell and then you fired Twice.
Sally Decker: Once!
Det. Frank Drebin: Okay. All right, that will be all for now, Ms. Decker.
Capt. Ed Hocken: We'll need you to make a formal statement down at the station.
Sally Decker: Oh, of course!
Det. Frank Drebin: You've been very helpful. We think we know how he did it.
Sally Decker: Oh, Howie couldn't have done it. He hasn't been in for weeks.
Det. Frank Drebin: Well.
[pauses]
Det. Frank Drebin: Thank you again, Ms. Decker.
[to Ed]
Det. Frank Drebin: Weeks?
Capt. Ed Hocken: Saul Weeks. He's the comptroller, Frank.

Mrs. Twice: Oh, PLEASE go away. Please go away! I don't want to answer anymore of your questions.
Det. Frank Drebin: We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

Mrs. Twice: Oh, poor Ralph! Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for fourteen years?
Det. Frank Drebin: No, I can't say that I do. I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years.
[Mrs. Twice makes sounds of trying not to cry]
Det. Frank Drebin: Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos - people didn't understand.
[Ed gives Mrs. Twice a handkerchief and she starts crying into it]
Det. Frank Drebin: [to camera]
Det. Frank Drebin: Ran him outta town like a common pygmy.
[Mrs. Twice starts crying a little harder]
Capt. Ed Hocken: Did he have any enemies?
Mrs. Twice: Well the Democrats didn't like him.
Det. Frank Drebin: [continues, to camera, with Mrs. Twice continuing to sob softly] Sure, he was a physical education major but he had a mind! He could think, he wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later - had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Now, I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey?
Mrs. Twice: [crying] No, no he never did.
Capt. Ed Hocken: It was just a hunch.
Det. Frank Drebin: [continues, to camera, with Mrs. Twice still going back into her softly sobbing mode] I told him she was wrong. And that youngest boy, just like his father. Football hero. Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same.
[wistfully]
Det. Frank Drebin: You can't go back.

Det. Frank Drebin: [narration] My name is Sergeant Frank Drebbin, Detective-Lieutenant, Police Squad, a special detail of the police department. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups of neighborhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I heard the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there. My boss was already on the scene.

Dr. Zubatsky: My god, you're an animal!
Det. Frank Drebin: [mumbling incoherently, al la John Hurt in The Elephant Man] I am not an animal. I am a human being!

Det. Frank Drebin: [offering her a cigarette] Cigarette?
Sally Decker: Yes, I know.
Det. Frank Drebin: [puts the pack away] Well...

Mrs. Twice: Oh, poor Ralph! And what about my daughter? What am I going to tell her?
Capt. Ed Hocken: Yeah, you're gonna have to tell her something. Tell her he went on a long trip.
Det. Frank Drebin: No wait a minute, how about a big monster came and took him to daddy heaven?
Det. Frank Drebin: [Mrs Twice starts sobbing louder] Nah...
Capt. Ed Hocken: What about this: he threw himself on a grenade and saved the battalion. Yeah, that's it.
[Mrs. Twice starts sobbing stronger]
Det. Frank Drebin: No, no, wait a minute, he was killed by a left wing insurgence from Paraguay?
Det. Frank Drebin: [Mrs. Twice is sobbing uncontrollably now] No, Bolivia.
Capt. Ed Hocken: I got it! I got it, he, he was traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson.
[Mrs. Twice can't stop sobbing, and Frank and Ed finally give up and give her an expression of helplessness]

Capt. Ed Hocken: Was the, eh, dentist cooperative?
Det. Frank Drebin: Yeah, he gave us plenty of rope. Now we have to see if we can get Sally to stick her head into the noose.

Capt. Ed Hocken: Alright, Sally, you're under arrest.
[turns to two police officers]
Capt. Ed Hocken: Sergeant, take her away and book her.
Det. Frank Drebin: [Frank comes up and shakes the policemen by the hand] Sergeant Takeheraway, Sergeant Booker.

Capt. Ed Hocken: You know, Frank, there's one thing I still don't understand. Now, how did you know that the money Sally gave to Dr. Zubatsky wasn't traceable?
Det. Frank Drebin: [laughs] I didn't.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Huh?
Det. Frank Drebin: But neither did Sally!
[slaps Hocken on the back. They both begin to laugh, but instead of sound coming out of their mouths they freeze frame]

Capt. Ed Hocken: Frank, I know you got Sally's arrest record from R & I
[Records and Information]
Capt. Ed Hocken: , but how did you ever figure out she was the one behind the loan office heist?
Det. Frank Drebin: Just a little hunch back at the office.
Capt. Ed Hocken: I thought so. Because I brought that little hunchback with me. Charlie, come out here!
[a short, 'hunchback' man walks in]
Det. Frank Drebin: Charlie! Thanks for the tip.


"Police Squad!: Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) (#1.6)" (1982)
[Frank knocks out a holdup man]
Veronica: Say, that was nice work. You took a big chance doing that.
Det. Frank Drebin: Well, you take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.

[Frank has gone undercover as a stand-up comic]
Det. Frank Drebin: So the girl had come back from her honeymoon. She was alone, and her parents welcomed her with open arms. They said to her, "Delilah - hat gut gemacht!"
[Audience laughs]

Coroner: It's a typical four-fifteen.
Det. Frank Drebin: Four-fifteen?
Coroner: Yes, the body was found 415 feet from the car.

Det. Frank Drebin: [narrating] When I arrived at the morgue, my boss had already begun to investigate the physical evidence. As was our custom in such cases, we began to talk.

Det. Frank Drebin: [telling dumb sister jokes as Tony Dewonderful] She was also dumb, she came in one time with a hot tarr on her hand and she said: "look what I almost stepped in".

Det. Frank Drebin: Cigarette?
Lester the ventriloquist dummy: Yes, I know.

Det. Frank Drebin: [as Tony Dewonderful] Where do you live, lady?
Lady in audience: Right here.
Det. Frank Drebin: At the table? Where'd you put your car, in the coat room?
[drum roll, audience laughs]

Capt. Ed Hocken: Well Frank, this case is all wrapped up. Veronica Rivers confessed to killing Joey Koldys and we've got her and Vic and the Frenchman on the dope smuggling rap.
Det. Frank Drebin: Yeah, from now on they'll all be up there together in the Statesville prison.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Yep, along with Martin and Dutch and Lana, Thames and Sally Decker.

Det. Frank Drebin: And you know Ed, what all this goes to show is that the only real dope is the one who sells it or buys it.
[freezeframe as Norberg hits a nail into a column, causing the entire set to collapse during the end credits]

Det. Frank Drebin: Hey what about me? I'm hot and ready to go.
Vic: Looks like I got no choice. What's your name?
Det. Frank Drebin: DeWonderful. Tony DeWonderful.

Det. Frank Drebin: [as Tony DeWonderful mingling with the audience] Where are you from, sir?
Man #1: Milwaukee.
Det. Frank Drebin: Hey! Why that's my home town.
[to a woman]
Det. Frank Drebin: Where are you from?
Woman: Seattle.
Det. Frank Drebin: Hey! Why that's my home town.
[to another man]
Det. Frank Drebin: Where are you from?
Man #2: Chicago.
Det. Frank Drebin: Hey! Why that's *your* home town.


"Police Squad!: Ring of Fear (A Dangerous Assignment) (#1.2)" (1982)
Det. Frank Drebin: Sorry, Bobby. No sax before a fight.

Det. Frank Drebin: [voice-over] I'd just come from the stockyards. We'd gotten reports of hundreds of cows had been senselessly slaughtered in the area, but I couldn't find any evidence. I stopped off for a hamburger and checked in with headquarters.

[in a misty steam room]
Det. Frank Drebin: All right, hands up Luca! I got a gun in your ribs!
Mary: I'm not Luca, and those aren't my ribs!
Luca: Eat lead copper!
[gunshots are heard]
Det. Frank Drebin: Mary, you all right?
Mary: Yes.
Luca: So am I!
[more gunshots]
Det. Frank Drebin: How about now?
Luca: Now? Not so good.

Det. Frank Drebin: Anyone with Schultz after the fight?
Capt. Ed Hocken: Just his manager.
Det. Frank Drebin: Who's that?
Capt. Ed Hocken: Some joe named Cooper.
Det. Frank Drebin: Who's this Joe Cooper?
Capt. Ed Hocken: No, no, it's Sol Cooper.

Det. Frank Drebin: Too bad you lost your last three fights.
Buddy: So I had some bad luck, so what?
Det. Frank Drebin: Well, maybe you don't have the right kind of management. Don't you think you should start thinking about that, buddy?
Buddy: I make a pretty good living.
Det. Frank Drebin: Maybe you can make a better one. And a cleaner one and a better one.

Det. Frank Drebin: I'm a manager. I wanna take over Buddy Brigg's contract.
Cooper: What are you, some kind of a wise guy?
Det. Frank Drebin: Yeah, I'm a wise guy. With a lot of long green.
Poker player: You manage Lorne Greene?
Cooper: I'll trade Buddy for Lorne Greene.
Det. Frank Drebin: No, no, I mean I got cash.
Poker player: You manage Johnny Cash, too?
Cooper: Wait a minute. Who are you?
Det. Frank Drebin: Kelly. Bob Kelly.
[puts a roll of cash on the table]
Det. Frank Drebin: Mind if I sit in a few hands?
Cooper: Your money's good here.
Poker player: Goodyear? You got the blimp, too?

Det. Frank Drebin: [as Bob Kelly the manager] Buddy Briggs belongs to me now, but just to make it nice and legal, I brought along a bill of sale. Sign it.
[throws bill on table and puts Briggs contract in his inside pocket]
Det. Frank Drebin: [to second poker player] You. You witness it.
Det. Frank Drebin: [to third poker player] You, check for spelling errors.

Det. Frank Drebin: [as manager Bob Kelly] Now do you think you can beat the champ?
Buddy: I can take him blindfolded.
Det. Frank Drebin: What if he's not blindfolded?

Martin: We've got Mary.
Buddy: What?
Det. Frank Drebin: [still posing as Kelly the manager] You're bluffing.
Martin: Oh yeah?
[pulls out a scarf]
Buddy: Mary's scarf!
Det. Frank Drebin: You could have gotten that anywhere.
[grabs the scarf and throws it away]
Martin: How about this?
[pulls out a knitted purse]
Buddy: Mary's purse!
Det. Frank Drebin: There are millions of purses like that.
[grabs purse and throws it in a corner]
Martin: How about this?
[pulls out a toaster]
Buddy: Mary's toaster!
[two slices of bread pop out]
Det. Frank Drebin: Oh my God...

Det. Frank Drebin: Johnny, I need some information and fast. There's a woman in trouble.
Johnny the Snitch: You mean Mary, the boxer's wife who was just kidnapped?
Det. Frank Drebin: Right. You know anything about it?
Johnny the Snitch: Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
[Drebin hands Johnny some money]
Johnny the Snitch: She's in big trouble. She's being held by Martin's goon, Luca.
Det. Frank Drebin: What's a goonluca?

Martin: Kelly!
Det. Frank Drebin: The name is Detective Frank Drebin, and I'm a boxing fan.


"Police Squad!: The Butler Did It (A Bird in the Hand) (#1.3)" (1982)
Det. Frank Drebin: Is there a ransom note?
Capt. Ed Hocken: Yes. The butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lob. They're demanding one million dollars.
Det. Frank Drebin: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?

Det. Frank Drebin: [narrating] Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.

Det. Frank Drebin: Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter is close, we'll find her.
Warner: The lakefront? My God, do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack!
Det. Frank Drebin: That's not true. I've seen a picture of her, she's very attractive.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Maybe a little thin...

Det. Frank Drebin: Evening. Is this 808 Garboniforus Road?
Det. Frank Drebin: [the butler turns Drebin's piece of paper right side up] Maple Street?
Thames: Yes sir, it is.
Det. Frank Drebin: I'm from Police Squad, I'd like to see Captain Hocken.
Thames: [takes Drebin's badge] Of course, Lieutenant, eh... Flebner.
Thames: [Drebin turns the badge right side up] Eh, Drebin. Do come in.

Det. Frank Drebin: [holds up a cup] Coffee?
Warner: Yes, I know.

Det. Frank Drebin: [searching for a Tuba store next to a filling station] Ed, you find anything?
Capt. Ed Hocken: No, nothing. Frank, we've been through hundreds of these.
[reading from yellow pages]
Capt. Ed Hocken: Acme Tuba, Tuba World, Tubas Are Us...
Al: [Wearing a Tuba City T-shirt] Can you take a phone call, Captain?
Capt. Ed Hocken: Not now, Al!
Capt. Ed Hocken: [continues reading] International House of Tubas, Tuba or Not Tuba, Tuba Legation. Ah, we've come to a dead end, Frank.

Det. Frank Drebin: I was just going over the arraignment report. It looks like the butler Thames will be doing his serving from now on up in the Statesville prison.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Along with Martin, Dutch Gunderson, Lana and Sally Decker. Frank, when will people learn that crime doesn't pay?
Det. Frank Drebin: Well, I suppose if they do learn, we'll be out of a job.
[slaps Hocken's knee, they go into freeze frame]

Prisoner: [a prisoner has gotten loose and is holding the cops at gunpoint] I got the gun now! And I'm gonna kill all of you... one by one.
[Frank, oblivious, walks through a door, hitting the prisoner and knocking the gun from his hand; all the cops rush the prisoner and arrest him]
Capt. Ed Hocken: Good job, Frank!
Det. Frank Drebin: What?

[Mrs. Burton starts crying over a failed ransom call trace]
Det. Frank Drebin: Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Mrs. Burton, what did he say?
Mrs. Burton: Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.
Capt. Ed Hocken: No. The kidnapper.
Mrs. Burton: He said he'll call us soon for the instructions for the money drop. And if we don't do what he says, he'll kill Terri.
[cries on her husband's shoulder]
Mr. Burton: Lt. Drebin, what do I do?
Det. Frank Drebin: Well, as I understand it, you're in the textile business.
Mr. Burton: I mean, I don't want the police involved in this.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Nah, we all got to work together to capture this kidnapper.
Mr. Burton: I'll pay whatever ransom is necessary to get Terri back.
Det. Frank Drebin: No, that would be giving into him. These people are emotionally unstable. Got a case like this, similar. Kidnappers cut the victim's ear off and send it to the family.
[Mrs. Burton shrieks in disgust]
Capt. Ed Hocken: So, you see, you've got to let us help you.
Det. Frank Drebin: Not the whole ear, of course. Just a peace of it.
[Mrs. Burton half sobs]
Capt. Ed Hocken: And if this whole thing blows over, we'll return Terri's ear, if she's still alive.
[Mrs. Burton starts sobbing]
Det. Frank Drebin: She's taking it hard.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Yeah. We'd better go, Frank. We'll leave Officer Nordberg here. If you need anything, just ask him.
Det. Frank Drebin: We'll be in touch.
[they start walking out, and approach Nordberg]
Capt. Ed Hocken: After we go, I want you to nose around.
Det. Frank Drebin: And keep an eye out for the ear.
Norberg: Yes, Sir.
[goes up to Mrs. Burton who is just beginning to wind down]
Norberg: Don't you worry, Mrs. Burton. When Terri's ear comes, I'll handle it.
[Mrs. Burton sobs again]