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: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood
] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy. Jerry
: I'm a boy. Joe
: That's the boy. Jerry
: [coming around
] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present? Joe
: What engagement present? Jerry
: Osgood gave me a bracelet. Joe
: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses
] Hey, these are real diamonds! Jerry
: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
: Have I got things to tell you! Joe
: What happened? Jerry
: I'm engaged. Joe
: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl? Jerry
: I am!
: Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
: Now you've done it! Now you have done it! Joe
: Done what? Jerry
: You tore off one of my chests!
: But, you're *not* a girl! You're a *guy*, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy? Jerry
: There's another problem. Jerry
: Like what? Joe
: Like, what are you gonna do on your honeymoon? Jerry
: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.
: We didn't see anything! Jerry
: We didn't hear anything either!
: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time. Jerry
: Well, suppose it doesn't? Joe
: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn! Jerry
: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table
] Joe...? Joe
: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows. Jerry
: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
[at the booking office, trying to be hired
: What kind of a band is this, anyway? Sig Poliakoff
: You gotta be under twenty-five. Jerry
: We could pass for that. Sig Poliakoff
: You gotta be blonde. Jerry
: We could dye our hair. Sig Poliakoff
: And you gotta be girls. Jerry
: We could... Joe
: No, we couldn't!
: We're up the creek and you want to hock the paddle!
: [Joe used a "Cary Grant" voice when posing as a millionaire
] What are you trying to do to that poor girl, putting on a millionaire act? And, where did you get that phony accent? Nobody "talks loike thet"!
: Oh, why did I let you talk me into this? Joe
: I thought you weren't speaking to me.
: Oh Josephine! The most wonderful thing happened! Joe
: What? Sugar
: Guess. Joe
: They repealed prohibition? Jerry
: Oh come now, you can do better than that. Sugar
: I met one of them. Joe
: One of whom? Sugar
: Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions, he's got glasses, he's got a yacht! Joe
: You don't say. Jerry
: He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle!
: [after running back to the room to tell Josephine about the millionaire, Joe's other alter ego, and finding she's not there
] Well I'll be back later. Jerry
: Oh no you wait. I have a feeling she'll show up any minute. Sugar
: Believe it or not, Josephine predicted the whole thing. Jerry
: Yeah, this is one for Ripley. Sugar
: Do you suppose she went shopping? Jerry
: Shopping! That's it! Something tells me she's gonna come through that door in a brand new outfit!
: Oh, Daphne, how can I ever repay you? Jerry
: Oh, I can think of a million things.
[Sugar gets into bed with him
: And that's one of them!
: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all. Osgood
: Why not? Jerry
: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde. Osgood
: Doesn't matter. Jerry
: I smoke! I smoke all the time! Osgood
: I don't care. Jerry
: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player. Osgood
: I forgive you. Jerry
] I can never have children! Osgood
: We can adopt some. Jerry
: But you don't understand, Osgood! Ohh...
[Jerry finally gives up and pulls off his wig
: [normal voice
] I'm a man! Osgood
] Well, nobody's perfect!
[Jerry looks on with disbelief as Osgood continues smiling with indifference. Fade out
: [to Spats, about the murders they just witnessed
] We didn't see anything. Did we? Jerry
: Nothing. Besides, it's none of our business if you guys wanna bump each other off, we don't -
[Joe nudges him to shut him up
[Jerry and Joe are in the elevator with Spats and his goons
] Spats' Henchman
: Excuse me, ain't I had the pleasure of meetin' you two broads before? Jerry
: Oh, no. You must be thinking of two other broads.
: [as Daphne falls up the train steps
] . Whoops-a-daisy!
[smacks his bottom
Joe - 'Josephine'
: [grabbing Daphne by the collar
] Daphne? Daphne
: Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.
: [referring to his mother
] Right now, she thinks I'm out there on my yacht - deep sea fishing! Daphne
: Well, pull in your reel, Mr. Fielding, you're barking up the wrong fish!
: You must be quite a girl. Daphne
: Wanna bet?
: I am Osgood Fielding the third. Daphne
: I'm Cinderella the second.
: Are you two from the Poliakoff agency? Joe
: Yes, we're the new girls. Daphne
: Brand new!
: [after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with
] How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter. Joe
: Watch it, Daphne! Daphne
: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie... Joe
: Look, Stoop... Daphne
: And cherry tart... Joe
: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!
: [after meeting the dipsomaniac Sugar
] How about the shape of that liquor cabinet?
: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business. Daphne
: Is that so? Osgood
: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money. Daphne
: Oh, you invest in shows? Osgood
: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times. Daphne
: You're not sure? Osgood
: Mama is keeping score.
: [pouring bourbon into paper cup
] Turn the lights on. Daphne
: No lights, we don't want anyone to know we're having a party. Sugar
: But I might spill some. Daphne
: So spill it! Spills, thrills, laughs, and games. This may even turn out to be a surprise party. Sugar
: What's the surprise? Daphne
: Not yet. Sugar
: When? Daphne
: Better have a drink first. Sugar
: There. That'll put hair on your chest. Daphne
: No fair guessing.
: [in the berth, with the lady band members passing food around and a corkscrew's been brought
] Girls, keep it down! You'll wake up the neighbours downstairs, now Josephine... WATCH THAT CORKSCREW!
[Jerry sees Joe impersonating a wealthy yachtsman to flirt with Sugar
: [to Joe
] This is my friend Daphne, she's a Vassar girl. Daphne
: I'm a what? Sugar
: Or was it Bryn Mawr? Junior
: [firmly to Jerry
] I heard a very sad story about a girl that went to Bryn Mawr. She squealed on her roommate... and they found her strangled with her own brazier! Daphne
: Yes, we've got to be very careful who we choose for a roommate.