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Quotes for
Jerry (Character)
from Some Like It Hot (1959)

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Some Like It Hot (1959)
Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
Jerry: I'm a boy.
Joe: That's the boy.
Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
Joe: What engagement present?
Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.
Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!
Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?

Jerry: Have I got things to tell you!
Joe: What happened?
Jerry: I'm engaged.
Joe: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?
Jerry: I am!

Jerry: Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!

Jerry: Now you've done it! Now you have done it!
Joe: Done what?
Jerry: You tore off one of my chests!

Joe: But, you're *not* a girl! You're a *guy*, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy?
Jerry: Security!

Joe: There's another problem.
Jerry: Like what?
Joe: Like, what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?
Jerry: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.

Joe: We didn't see anything!
Jerry: We didn't hear anything either!

Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?
Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?
Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!

[at the booking office, trying to be hired]
Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway?
Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five.
Jerry: We could pass for that.
Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde.
Jerry: We could dye our hair.
Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls.
Jerry: We could...
Joe: No, we couldn't!

Jerry: We're up the creek and you want to hock the paddle!

Jerry: [Joe used a "Cary Grant" voice when posing as a millionaire] What are you trying to do to that poor girl, putting on a millionaire act? And, where did you get that phony accent? Nobody "talks loike thet"!

Jerry: Oh, why did I let you talk me into this?
Joe: I thought you weren't speaking to me.

Sugar: Oh Josephine! The most wonderful thing happened!
Joe: What?
Sugar: Guess.
Joe: They repealed prohibition?
Jerry: Oh come now, you can do better than that.
Sugar: I met one of them.
Joe: One of whom?
Sugar: Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions, he's got glasses, he's got a yacht!
Joe: You don't say.
Jerry: He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle!

Sugar: [after running back to the room to tell Josephine about the millionaire, Joe's other alter ego, and finding she's not there] Well I'll be back later.
Jerry: Oh no you wait. I have a feeling she'll show up any minute.
Sugar: Believe it or not, Josephine predicted the whole thing.
Jerry: Yeah, this is one for Ripley.
Sugar: Do you suppose she went shopping?
Jerry: Shopping! That's it! Something tells me she's gonna come through that door in a brand new outfit!

Sugar: Oh, Daphne, how can I ever repay you?
Jerry: Oh, I can think of a million things.
[Sugar gets into bed with him]
Jerry: And that's one of them!

[last lines]
Jerry: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Osgood: Why not?
Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
Osgood: Doesn't matter.
Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time!
Osgood: I don't care.
Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.
Osgood: I forgive you.
Jerry: [tragically] I can never have children!
Osgood: We can adopt some.
Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! Ohh...
[Jerry finally gives up and pulls off his wig]
Jerry: [normal voice] I'm a man!
Osgood: [shrugs] Well, nobody's perfect!
[Jerry looks on with disbelief as Osgood continues smiling with indifference. Fade out]

Joe: [to Spats, about the murders they just witnessed] We didn't see anything. Did we?
Jerry: No!
[laughs nervously]
Jerry: Nothing. Besides, it's none of our business if you guys wanna bump each other off, we don't -
[Joe nudges him to shut him up]

[Jerry and Joe are in the elevator with Spats and his goons]
Spats' Henchman: Excuse me, ain't I had the pleasure of meetin' you two broads before?
Jerry: Oh, no. You must be thinking of two other broads.

Beinstock: [as Daphne falls up the train steps] . Whoops-a-daisy!
[smacks his bottom]
Daphne: Fresh!

Joe - 'Josephine': [grabbing Daphne by the collar] Daphne?
Daphne: Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.

Osgood: [referring to his mother] Right now, she thinks I'm out there on my yacht - deep sea fishing!
Daphne: Well, pull in your reel, Mr. Fielding, you're barking up the wrong fish!

Osgood: You must be quite a girl.
Daphne: Wanna bet?

Osgood: I am Osgood Fielding the third.
Daphne: I'm Cinderella the second.

Sweet Sue: Are you two from the Poliakoff agency?
Joe: Yes, we're the new girls.
Daphne: Brand new!

Daphne: [after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with] How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter.
Joe: Watch it, Daphne!
Daphne: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie...
Joe: Look, Stoop...
Daphne: And cherry tart...
Joe: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!

Daphne: [after meeting the dipsomaniac Sugar] How about the shape of that liquor cabinet?

Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business.
Daphne: Is that so?
Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money.
Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows?
Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times.
Daphne: You're not sure?
Osgood: Mama is keeping score.

Sugar: [pouring bourbon into paper cup] Turn the lights on.
Daphne: No lights, we don't want anyone to know we're having a party.
Sugar: But I might spill some.
Daphne: So spill it! Spills, thrills, laughs, and games. This may even turn out to be a surprise party.
Sugar: What's the surprise?
Daphne: Not yet.
Sugar: When?
Daphne: Better have a drink first.
Sugar: There. That'll put hair on your chest.
Daphne: No fair guessing.

Daphne: [in the berth, with the lady band members passing food around and a corkscrew's been brought] Girls, keep it down! You'll wake up the neighbours downstairs, now Josephine... WATCH THAT CORKSCREW!

[Jerry sees Joe impersonating a wealthy yachtsman to flirt with Sugar]
Sugar: [to Joe] This is my friend Daphne, she's a Vassar girl.
Daphne: I'm a what?
Sugar: Or was it Bryn Mawr?
Junior: [firmly to Jerry] I heard a very sad story about a girl that went to Bryn Mawr. She squealed on her roommate... and they found her strangled with her own brazier!
Daphne: Yes, we've got to be very careful who we choose for a roommate.