Quotes for
Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus (Character)
from A Shot in the Dark (1964)

The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976)

[Refering to the aftermath of the Doomsday device]
Dreyfus: What do you suppose they will call the crater, huh? The Dreyfus Ditch?
Dr. Fassbender: There shall be no crater.
Dreyfus: No crater? But I want a crater! I want wreckage, twisted metal. Something the world will not forget!
Dr. Fassbender: They won't forget today.
Dreyfus: They won't? Wonderful. I have to tinkle again. Don't do anything till I get back.

[Clouseau has dressed himself as a local doctor/dentist in order to gain access to the gothic castle that is Dreyfus' headquarters; he is now examining Dreyfus for a bad tooth, but accidentally puts his thumb in Dreyfus' eye instead]
Dreyfus: OW! My eye!
Clouseau: Your eye? I thought it was your tooth.
Dreyfus: Hmm? It IS my tooth!
Clouseau: I wish you'd make your mind up; I don't normally make castle-calls in the middle of the night yeu kneuw!

Clouseau: [after listening to Dreyfus singing "Over the Rainbow" at the insane asylum] I'm afraid today is just not your day, my friend.
Dreyfus: [quickly stands up] Oh, but it is! It is, my "friend" after three, long terrible years it is AT LAST my day! I will not permite, "repeat," not permit anything...”repeat" anything to spoil it. Now, I will walk you to the gate, to the car which should rightfully be mine. And then I will kiss you goodbye!
[kisses Clouseau's cheeks]
Dreyfus: And then I will have my meeting with the sanitary commision where I will set free! And then...
[gets hit in the head with an arrow and turns to Clouseau]
Dreyfus: I will kill you!
[starts choking him]
Clouseau: [running away] Francois! Start the car!
Dreyfus: [chasing close behind] KILL YOU! KILL YOU!

Dreyfus: Every day and in every way, I am getting better, and better.

Dreyfus: Now this is my plan. Step number one: I will recruit the world's greatest criminal mind. Step number two: I will build an organization so sinister, so powerful, that by comparison La Cosa Nostra will seem like the Vienna Boys' Choir!

Clouseau: You have received a beump on the head.
Dreyfus: Beump?
Clouseau: What?
Dreyfus: You said beump.
Clouseau: Yes, I know that. It is a large beump. You could receive the concussion from such a beump.

Clouseau: Allow me to assist you.
Dreyfus: No! I'm fine. Never better. Just a little... a little shaky. Probably the shock of... I mean, the surprise of seeing you here again today.

Margo Fassbender: What are you going to do?
Dreyfus: Something so very, very painful, so hideous, your father will have no choice but to cooperate.
[puts on a glove, with very sharp claws attached to the finger sockets, and walks to the blackboard]
Margo Fassbender: No!
[Dreyfus nods, and scrapes his clawed glove down the blackbird, making a hideous screeching noise]

Dreyfus: Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Ignition!
[fires a laser which disintegrates the United Nations building]

Dreyfus: Compared to Clouseau, this doomsday machine is just a water pistol.

Dreyfus: He has pulled the wrong tooth! There's only one man who would pull the wrong tooth. It's Clouseau! Kill him! Kill him!

---

A Shot in the Dark (1964)

Dreyfus: Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world.

Clouseau: There is something... personal... in this?
Dreyfus: Yes, deeply personal. I hate you! Every little bit of you! Now get out!
Clouseau: You want me to leave?

Clouseau: Well... that just goes to prove what I have said all along.
Dreyfus: What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!

Dreyfus: What about the maid?
Clouseau: The maid?
Dreyfus: Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.
Clouseau: It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.
Dreyfus: Mistake?... in a nudist camp? Idiot nincompoop lunatic!

Dreyfus: François would you please call for a doctor.
Françios: Are you ill?
Dreyfus: I seem to have stabbed myself with the letter opener.

Dreyfus: François, I just cut my thumb.

Dreyfus: Someone has been murdered here. Please let it be Clouseau.

Dreyfus: [a car bomb has just killed the killers. Dreyfus refers to four other killings] A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack! And now eight more dead!
Clouseau: But they were all murderers, except for Maurice, who was a blackmailer!
Dreyfus: [whimpering] They were saints compared to you!

---

The Return of the Pink Panther (1975)

[after an incident involving a blind beggar]
Dreyfus: The beggar was the lookout man for the gang.
Clouseau: That is impossible. How can a blind man be a lookout?
Dreyfus: [Insinuating Clouseau] How can an idiot be a police officer?
Clouseau: Well, all he has to do is enlist...
Dreyfus: Shut up!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [in Dreyfus' office, after Clouseau's apartment has been bombed] I tell you, infamous powers are at work! The instant you assign me to a case, the Underworld hears about it and I am set upon! It is amazing that I am still alive!
Dreyfus: [forcing himself not to giggle] "Amazing" is the polite term.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do I detect something in your voice that says I am in disfavor with you?
Dreyfus: YES! I wish you were DEAD!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course, you are entitled to your opinion.

Dreyfus: [after Clouseau's fiasco with the bank robbers] ... You are suspended for six months, without pay, effective immediately! Have you anything to say?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Could you lend me fifty francs?

Dreyfus: [after Clouseau has demolished two trucks and a swimming pool in Nice] Now he's off to Gstaad. Today, a paradise in the Swiss Alps - tomorrow, a wasteland.
[rolls his eyes and lets out a deep breath]
Dreyfus: Compared to Clouseau, Attila the Hun was a Red Cross volunteer!

Doctor: Describe your thoughts. Get them out in the open. You'll feel much better.
Dreyfus: All right. See, it's always the same. Clouseau is sitting there, in a chair, just like you, with his back to me. Then suddenly, my hands go round his throat, and I begin to squeeze. It's wonderful. It's marvelous. I'm squeezing. And the more I squeeze, the freer I feel. I'm in ecstasy. And then suddenly, suddenly my problem is solv-ved.
[while Dreyfus has been talking, he has been unintentionally strangling the doctor. He suddenly becomes aware of this as the doctor falls to the floor]
Dreyfus: Doctor! DOCTOR!

Dreyfus: [Offscreen, Dreyfus accidentally fires a gun that he thought did not work. Francois rushes into Dreyfus's office to see what has happened] Don't just stand there, idiot. Call a doctor. And then help me find my nose.

Clouseau: [answering the phone] This is Monsieur Gadoire - who is this speaking?
Dreyfus: Don't you know? HmmHmmm! Can't you guess? I'll give you a clue - this is the man who hates you. This is the man who more than anything else in the world would like to see you dead and buried!
Clouseau: ...are you the headwaiter that works in the little bistro on the Rue de Bazaar?

---

The Pink Panther (2006)

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: When I first heard the name Clouseau, he was a little nothing. Just another police officer in a small village far from Paris. He was the village idiot, I think.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: I had been nominated for the Medal of Honor. I have been so nominated seven times. I have never won. Still, seven times, that is something.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: He's very easy to spot. He's got white hair, a thin mustache... Brimming with confidence, and *completely* lost.

Ponton: [chasing masked assassin]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: It's Clouseau. Arrest him.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [running after Ponton]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: ...Which one is he?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [falls off banister]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: That would be him.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Find him. His name is... Clouseau.

---

Trail of the Pink Panther (1982)

Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus: How many men did the President ask for?
Deputy Comissioner Lasorde: Only one. Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus: The thought of a world without Clouseau fills me with delight.

Section Director Alec Drummond: Well, it's about Inspector Clouseau. MI5 called and reported that Libyan agents heard a rumor that there might be an assassination attempt against Clouseau.
Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus: Really? Who else wants to kill him? I mean, who is behind it?

Sergeant Francois Duval: Clouseau was trying to fix the lighter. He is sure that someone planted a bomb in the car.
Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus: Yes. Someone should have... I mean, could have done that.

Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus: Miss Jouvet, may I suggest that you go home and forget all about this.
Sergeant Francois Duval: Excuse me.
Marie Jouvet: I shall tell you exactly where I am going to go - directly to me office, where I shall write my next broadcast about the Mafia boss who kidnapped me, and about the chief inspector of the surute who refused to do anything about it.
Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus: In my opinion, that would be most unwise.
Marie Jouvet: What it boils down to, Inspector, is, I don't trust your opinion.

---

Revenge of the Pink Panther (1978)

[about Clouseau]
Police Commissioner: You knew him intimately.
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: I hated him intimately!

Clouseau: [Dreyfus shoots a gun at Clouseau a couple times] It's me!
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: I know!
[Dreyfus laughs and starts shooting again]

Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Clouseau?
Clouseau: Yes?
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Are you wounded?
Clouseau: No. Fortunately I was saved by the darkness.
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: So what we need is more light.

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