Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus
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Quotes for
Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus (Character)
from A Shot in the Dark (1964)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Son of the Pink Panther (1993)
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [to Maria] I knew a man named Jacques. When he died, ten years ago, I thought "Thank God!" I never thought another one like him could exist... and then I met your son.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques' bicycle bumps into Dreyfus's car] Ha! That felt good! Now then, is anyone hurt?
Sergeant Francois Duval: Yes, in the van.
Hans Zarba: My sister... is unconscious.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: She is?
Hans Zarba: She should be taken to a near hospital.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Where is she?
Sergeant Francois Duval: Uh, in the van.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Excuse me, your sister is in his van?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No...
Sergeant Francois Duval: No, it is not my van.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Look, I'm Commissioner Dreyfus, if you will allow me...
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Excuse me just a moment, just a moment. When - excuse me - When I asked you if anyone was hurt, you replied, "Yes, in' my' van".
Sergeant Francois Duval: No, no, I said "Yes, in 'the' van", not "in 'my' van".
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: No, no, you did not say "Yes, in the van", not "Yes in the van", you said yes; you did not say "Yes, my van", not "Yes, the van"...
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Look...
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: You said "Yes, my van", not "Yes, in the van".
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Did you hear what I just said?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, I heard.
Hans Zarba: It's my van - my van.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, now we're getting someplace.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Listen, you imbecile, you're...
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Hey, hey, watch your tongue, monsieur! I am an officer of the 'lauw'.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: What?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I said, I...
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I know what you said, you said you're an officer of the -
[Dreyfus's face starts twitching as he repeats Jacques' mispronunciation]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: 'lauw'.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques is riding his moped when Dreyfus's red car passes him] Hey, stop! I said stop!
[Jacques' moped backfires]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [to François] We haven't time to humor some bumpkin cop, lose him.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I said, stop! Hey! Can you hear me? Hey!
Sergeant Francois Duval: I think we've lost him.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yeah.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [François makes a sharp downhill turn, and hits Hans's Avis van at its front bumper] Look out!
Hans Zarba: [Hans gets out of his van, Dreyfus and François get out of their car] Are you all right?
Sergeant Francois Duval: Yes.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No!
Hans Zarba: One of my passengers is hurt.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No wonder; the way you drive, you are lucky they are not all dead.
Hans Zarba: The way I drive?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes!
Hans Zarba: Could we please settle this at the hospital?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No. I am Police Commissioner Dreyfus, and I demand to see your driver's license.
Hans Zarba: [Yussa loads a clip into her gun] As you wish.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques's moped bumps into Dreyfus's car, he tumbles over it] Hey! Ha! That felt good! Now then, is anyone hurt?
Sergeant Francois Duval: Yes, in the van.
Hans Zarba: My sister... is unconscious.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: She is?
Hans Zarba: She should be taken to a near hospital.
Sergeant Francois Duval: Where is she?
Hans Zarba: Uh, in the van.
[He points to the van]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Excuse me: your sister is in his van?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No...
Sergeant Francois Duval: No, it is not my van.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Look, I'm Commissioner Dreyfus, if you will allow me...
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Excuse me just a moment, just a moment.
[to Sgt. Duval]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: When - excuse me - When I asked you if anyone was hurt, you replied, "Yes, in 'my' van".
Sergeant Francois Duval: No, no, I said "Yes, in 'the' van", not "in 'my' van".
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: No, no, you did not say "Yes, in the van", not "Yes in the van", you said yes, you did not say "Yes, my van", not "Yes, the van"...
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Look...
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: You said "Yes, my van", not "Yes, in the van".
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Did - did you hear what I just said?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, I heard.
Hans Zarba: It's my van - my van.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, now we're getting someplace.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Listen, you imbecile, you're...
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Hey, hey, watch your tongue, monsieur! I am an officer of the 'lauw'.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: What?
[Dreyfus is startled when he hears Gambrelli's pronounciation of the word 'law', as if he has heard it somewhere else before]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I said, I...
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I know what you said, you said you're an officer of the -
[Dreyfus's face starts twitching as he repeats Jacques's mispronunciation]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: 'lauw'.

Hans Zarba: Please, my sister may be dying.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Okay.
[Gambrelli walks over to the back of Hans's van]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Uh, please, please, stand back, stand back. Haa!
[Gambrelli opens the door, hitting Dreyfus in the face, and a machine gun falls to the ground]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli picks up the machine gun] You've been hunting?
Hans Zarba: Yes, hunting... hunting. Very perceptive.
Princess Yasmin: [Gambrelli kneels to check Hans's "sister", unaware that she is really Princess Yasmin; romantic music plays in the background as he takes a look at her face, she speaks softly] Hello.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [dreamily] Hello.
Princess Yasmin: [Yasmin giggles at Jacques. and puts her finger on his nose] Who are you?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [in a slow voice] I am Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli, second class. Who are you?
Princess Yasmin: I am -
[Hanif looks at Hans Zarba with a suspicion that she might reveal her identity and blow their cover; she yawns and goes unconscious]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Your sister is very... very unconscious. Yes, I suspect that she had 'receiv-ed' a 'beump' on the head.
Hans Zarba: What?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Dreyfus corrects Gambrelli's mispronunciation] Bump.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: What?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, never mind. Come, François.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes, she requires immediate emergency treatment, Mister... uh...
Hans Zarba: Jones, Jones.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrellia closes the van door, getting his gloves and fingers caught in the van door] Take her quickly to the Nice hospital, Mr. Jones, and I will phone ahead to - Aah! - to tell them that you're - Mr. Jones! Mr. Jones, please stop! Mr. J - Wait, Mr. Jones, my hand! My - where are you go - Mr. Jones! Mr. Jones! Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, please stop!
[the van backs up and then drives away with Gambrelli's hand caught in the back door]

Sergeant Francois Duval: [Sgt. Duval and Commissioner Dreyfus are waiting for Gambrelli in Duval's car outside the hospital] What makes you think he'll show up?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, just a hunch. Look.
[Gambrelli rides his moped, and gets his bicycle stuck in wet cement]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Gambrelli walks through the wet cement to the hospital entrance] He won't be long.
Sergeant Francois Duval: Why not?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Because there was something phony about "Mr. Jones", and those hunters with their automatic weapon; I think Mr, Jones just wanted to get out of there. I don't believe he had any intention of taking his sister to the hospital.
Sergeant Francois Duval: Looks like you might be right.
[Gambrelli walks through the cement to his moped, carrying his handlebars, and dragging his moped away]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [the handlebars of Gambrelli's moped come loose as he heads down the stairs towards the harbor on his moped] Oh, no. Ohhh!
Sergeant Francois Duval: [Gambrelli and his moped land in the harbor; Duval's car follows, to be stopped by a harbor barricade pillar; Dreyfus and Duval get out of the car] What if he drowns?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: He can't, not yet!
[Dreyfus jumps in to rescue Gambrelli]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: What am I doing? I can't swim! Help! Help! Oh!
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli stands up] What's wrong?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I can't swim!
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Ha ha, neither can I!
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: But then, why aren't you drowning?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Because it's easier to stand.
[Dreyfus notices that Gambrelli is standing in shallow water]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: What?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes.
[Dreyfus stands up after he sees that the waters are shallow; Dreyfus and Gambrelli laugh at the incident]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Who are you?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli, second class. Who are you?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Commissioner Dreyfus, police.
[Gambrelli salutes Dreyfus]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Come on, Gambrelli., I'll give you a lift home.

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Dreyfus and Gambrelli are riding in Sgt. Duval's car to Gambrelli's house] But why would the man in the van want to kill me?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Maybe it's something to do with the unconscious girl. You had a good look at her; we didn't.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli recites a line from one of Lord Byron's poems] "She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless chimes and starry skies."
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Very poetic.
[Dreyfus clears his throat with a sudden frog-like croak]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Gambrelli mispronounces Lord as 'Lourd'] Yes, Lourd Byron.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: 'Lourd'?
[Dreyfus is baffled by Gambrelli's dialectal mispronounciation of 'Lord'; Duval's car pulls over to the curb, in front of Gambrelli's house, and Dreyfus steps out]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Thank you for the lift, Commissioner, good night.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [to Duval] Wait here.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [to Duval in the car] Wait here.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Jacques and Dreyfus walk up to the Gambrelli house; Jacques knocks on the front door of his house] Do you live here alone, Gambrelli?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, no, I live with my mother.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ah, I'd like to meet your mother.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Why not? Everybody wants to meet my mother.
[Gambrelli accidentally knocks on his mother's face, unaware that she has just opened the door]
Maria Gambrelli: Ah!
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, excuse me, Mom.
[Gambrelli apologizes, and kisses his mother]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, this is Police Commissioner Dreyfus, he wants to meet you.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: How do you do, Mrs. Gambrelli? I hope it's not too late.
Maria Gambrelli: No, no,. Please, come in, Commissioner.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I'm sorry I'm a bit wet, heh heh, I'm sor - I'm sorry. I'm - I'm a bit wet, yes.
[the Gambrelli's poodle clings to Dreyfus's right leg]
Maria Gambrelli: Please, have a seat, Commissioner.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, thank you.
[Dreyfus chuckles]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I - I am just going upstairs, uh, to change-a my clothes.
Maria Gambrelli: Do you speak Italian, Commissioner?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No, not really.
Maria Gambrelli: Darling?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Yes?
[Maria and Jacques have a conversation in Italian]
Maria Gambrelli: [the Gambrellis speak in Italian, with English subtitles on the screen] Speak Italian.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [English subtitles] Yes.
Maria Gambrelli: [English subtitles] How do you know this man?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [English subtitles] He gave me a lift in his car. Why are you so upset?
Maria Gambrelli: [English subtitles] The world is full of strange, crazy people.
Maria Gambrelli: [speaks English] Now, bring the Commissioner down one of your robes,
Maria Gambrelli: [In Italian] Make it quick!
Maria Gambrelli: [English] Oh, Jacques.
[Jacques utters something in unsubtitled Italian]
Maria Gambrelli: [to Dreyfus] He's just like his father. Would you care to join me in the kitchen?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Dreyfus chuckles as the poodle lets go] I - I would indeed.

[Rossini's 'Largo al factotum della città' aria from 'The Barber of Seville' plays in the background as Jacques enters his bedroom from the bathroom wearing a bathrobe; Maria and Dreyfus are dining downstairs in the kitchen]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Refreshing to hear some good singing for a change.
Maria Gambrelli: Jacques loves opera.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Are you musically inclined, madame?
Maria Gambrelli: No.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: His father?
Maria Gambrelli: He played the French horn.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ah, that probably accounts for it.
[Hans Zarba takes a time bomb, and approaches the Gambrelli house's courtyard, making an opening in the fence]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Why did you name him Jacques?
Maria Gambrelli: Why not? It's a perfectly good French name.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, but you're Italian.
[Meanwhile, Zarba has just set the time bomb to detonate in 4 minutes]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I knew a man once named Jacques. When he died, ten years ago, I said: "Thank God there can never, never be another one like him." And then I - I met your son.
Maria Gambrelli: [Jacques leaves his bedroom as the 'Largo al factotum' aria from Rossini's 'The Barber of Seville continues to play on the stereo; the timer has elapsed to 20 seconds and counting down; some time has passed as Maria is recounting part of an unseen conversation] So I decided, it would be better off if he never knew.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: You mean his father is - is -
[Jacques comes through the door as the aria is about to conclude]
Maria Gambrelli: Clouseau!
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Dreyfus is shocked to learn that Maria has just told him that Clouseau is Jacques' father, and runs out of the room, screaming] No! It can't be! It can't be!
Maria Gambrelli: [an explosion occurs in the room that Dreyfus just entered] Oh, Commissioner...
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ahhh...
[Dreyfus whimpers, as the dog rubs up against his leg, and then he faints from the shock of the explosion and having learned that Jacques Gambrelli is the son of the late Inspector Clouseau]

Maria Gambrelli: [Dreyfus is in his hospital bed, watching 'A Day At the Races' with the Marx Brothers and Margaret Dumont; Mrs. Dumont says "Oh, dear! Come, gentlemen, let us begin!" Groucho responds with "Oh, you shouldn't have done that, now we're all unsterilized." The Marxes go to the washbasin singing 'Down By The Old Mill Stream'; Maria, Jacques and Sgt. Duval enter Dreyfus's hospital room] How are you?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Terrible.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, no doubt it was a 'beumb'.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: A what?
Maria Gambrelli: A bomb.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: A -
[Dreyfus suddenly coughs]
Maria Gambrelli: Oh, you should rest, Charles.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: How do you know my... first name?
Maria Gambrelli: You told me in the ambulance.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [confused] That's strange, I - I don't remember, but I remember you.
Maria Gambrelli: You said: "My name is Charlie Dreyfus, and I'm going to be a policeman."
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I used to say that... as a child. I must have been delirious.
[Jacques picks up the bed control, mistaking it for the TV remote]
Maria Gambrelli: No, you were very sweet.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I was?
Maria Gambrelli: Yes.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Jacques pushes the remote's buttons, trying to adjust the TV, and the bed suddenly shifts] What's this? What's this? What? Oh, something's happened. Ow! Ow!
Maria Gambrelli: Jacques!
[At this point, the bed's mishaps take a remarkably simaliar coincidental parallel to the examination bed scene in 'A Day At The Races']
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Wrong mechanism!
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Stop!
Maria Gambrelli: Oh, Jacques!
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Stop it, please! Please! What are you doing. Give me that!
Maria Gambrelli: Give it to me!
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Something terrible has happened!
Nurse: [the nurse takes the bed remote and gives Jacques the TV remote] There! There! Now don't play with it again!
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [relieved] Thank you, nurse.

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, dear.
Maria Gambrelli: [Dreyfus tries to get up, but Maria makes him lie down] No, no, no, you should relax now!
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No, I can't - I can't relax, I - I have to tell... him something. What's his name, your son?
Maria Gambrelli, Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Jacques.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Jacques - Listen, Jacques... I wanted to tell you, you are in great danger.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I am?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: François, where's the Chief's report?
Sergeant Francois Duval: Ah, here.
[François hands the Chief's report to Dreyfus]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: There... do you remember the unconscious girl you saw in the van?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [dreamily] Oh, how could I ever forget her?
[Jacques recites a line of poetry in English, then Italian]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: "Beauty to reach for you,
[in Italian]
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: spirete dia."
Maria Gambrelli: Jacques loves poetry.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, I know.
[Dreyfus hands the photo to Jacques]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I want you to look at this photograph.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: My God, that is she! But how did you know?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: A hunch.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: A what?
Maria Gambrelli: Hunch.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: A hunch? Who is she? What is she doing in the Chief's file?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: She's Princess Yasmin.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Princess... kidnapped. Isn't she beautiful, mother?
Maria Gambrelli: Hmm... not bad for a princess.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Ah.
[Chief Lazar enters Dreyfus's hospital room, Jacques salutes him]
Police Chief Charles Lazar: Commissioner.
[to Jacques]
Police Chief Charles Lazar: At ease, Gambrelli.
[to Maria]
Police Chief Charles Lazar: I'm glad to see that you are not hurt, Madame.
Maria Gambrelli: Thank you, Chief.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: And I'm particularly happy that you are still with us, Commissioner.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, I'm sure you are. And I'm particularly happy that you've assigned me Officer Gambrelli.

Police Chief Charles Lazar: [Chief Lazar enters Dreyfus's hospital room, Jacques salutes him] Commissioner.
[to Jacques]
Police Chief Charles Lazar: At ease, Gambrelli.
[to Maria]
Police Chief Charles Lazar: I'm glad to see that you are not hurt, Madame.
Maria Gambrelli: Thank you, Chief.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: And I'm particularly happy that you are still with us, Commissioner.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, I'm sure you are. And I'm particularly happy that you've assigned me Officer Gambrelli.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: Really?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Without him, I might not have discovered that the Princess was being held here, in the south of France.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: I'll put out a general alarm immediately.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: You will do nothing of the kind till I give the word. In the meantime, Officer Gambrelli's mother... needs a safe place to stay... So, as I'm going to be here for a while, she can have my suite at the hotel.
Maria Gambrelli: Oh no, but I can't.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: But you must, please.
[Dreyfus chuckles]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Whatever they need François.
[to Chief Lazar]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Round-the-clock protection, Chief.
Maria Gambrelli: God bless you!
[Maria kisses Dreyfus with gratitude]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Dreyfus chuckles as everyone leaves, Jacques comes back to give the remote to Dreyfus] Get out!
[Dreyfus sighs with relief, and uses the bed's remote to change the TV channel, and sparks fly as the bed flips up and tosses Dreyfus out of it]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I'm sorry we are late, but we've had a car accident.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: Oh, nothing too serious, I trust.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: We are lucky to be alive.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus, Police Chief Charles Lazar: Please, please.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Now, Chief, listen: normally, investigation of crimes committed in French territorial waters is your responsibility. But, as this kidnapping is politically so important to the government, the President has ordered me to personally take charge of the case.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: The...
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Now understand, it's not that he thinks you are less qualified; perhaps, he feels, after all, that I am, uh...
Police Chief Charles Lazar: More qualified.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Well...
[Dreyfus chuckles]
Police Chief Charles Lazar: So... what are your orders?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Well, first I want to know everything that is known about the case.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: Well, this is everything we have to date.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, good.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: Then I want your best man as liaison; that would be Gambrelli.
Jean Claude: [Jean-Claude is startled, coughs, and accidentally spits coffee out of his mouth]
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I'll study this report tonight, and I'll see you here in the morning at 9 o'clock.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: Right.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Oh, by the way, um... there was a police officer at the accident. How shall I, uh - heh, he... had an odd way of speaking, mispronouncing words.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: Well...
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Crashed his bicycle into our car.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: Doesn't ring a bell.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Hm, no? Well, perhaps it's not that important. See you in the morning.
[Chief Lazar laughs as Dreyfus leaves his office]

Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques awakens in his hospital bed] Ah, mother.
Maria Gambrelli: Jacques, I was so worried.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [Jacques sighs, then gasps] The princess! They have taken the princess!
Maria Gambrelli: [Jacques rises from his bed, only to be stopped by Maria] Please, Jacques!
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: I have to stop them! Oh, ohhh...
[Jacques faints back into his bed]
Maria Gambrelli: You see? You're not supposed to get up.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Oh, but I must tell the Commissioner about Uncle Idris.
Maria Gambrelli: I will tell the Commissioner about Uncle Idris.
[beat]
Maria Gambrelli: Who is Uncle Idris?
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: Uncle Idris? I - I don't know. I remember hearing someone... that they were going to Darfur to visit Uncle Idris.
Maria Gambrelli: Okay, just keep quiet.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [deliriously] Uncle Idris.
Maria Gambrelli: Si, si, si.
Gendarme Jacques Gambrelli: [deliriously] Uncle Idris.
[Maria leaves Jacques's hospital room and enters an elevator; Chief Lazar and Jean Claude arrive in another elevator]
Police Chief Charles Lazar: [Chief Lazar and Jean Claude enter Jacques's room, only to find he's not there] Well?
Jean Claude: They said he was in Room 408.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: I'll check. Hello? Hello?
[Lazar goes over to the phone, only for Jacques to open the bathroom door, knocking Chief Lazar out of an open window]
Police Chief Charles Lazar: Aaaah!
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: How is he?
[Dreyfus is talking to Maria while Lazar screams as he falls down to the ground below]
Maria Gambrelli: It was all I could do to keep Jacques from getting out of bed and coming down here to tell you about someone named Uncle Idris.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Idris?
Maria Gambrelli: He said he overheard someone say they were going to Darfur.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Darfur? That's a small military republic, borders Lugash.
Maria Gambrelli: Charles?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, Maria?
Maria Gambrelli: I'm worried about Jacques.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: There, there; if he's anything like his father, he'll be all right, he'll manage.

Maria Gambrelli: Charles?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Yes, Maria?
Maria Gambrelli: I'm worried about Jacques.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: There, there, if he's anything like his father, he'll be all right, he'll manage.
Maria Gambrelli: But that's the trouble: he's too much like his father! That's why I disappeared, came here, and encouraged him to be a musician or a poet. But, in spite of everything, he was determined to be a policeman. Can you protect him, Charles?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Chief Lazar hangs on to a rope while attempting to get back up to Jacques's room] Ha, ha.
Maria Gambrelli: Soon, I must tell him who his father was.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: His father, yes... was an idiot. I mean...
Maria Gambrelli: Yes, but I can't tell him that.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No, of course, you can't.
Maria Gambrelli: Clouseau has always been his hero. Can you imagine, if you wanted to be a great fisherman, and you suddenly discover that your father was Captain Ahab?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Ah, come, sit here. Tell me: you and Clouseau...
[Dreyfus chuckles]
Maria Gambrelli: I was very young.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: I know, but I still don't understand; you, such a beautiful woman...
Maria Gambrelli: We were caught in a snowstorm. I knew we would freeze to death unless we kept moving. He said the Alaskan Indians kept from freezing to death by making love; I was young, I wanted to live. I hope you're not offended.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: No; it's just too bad you didn't have a - a stationary bicycle, or a - a rowing machine, or something.
Maria Gambrelli: But then, I would not have had Jacques.
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: Exactly; oh, no, of course, that would have been a pity. Ah, tell me, don't you think it would be best... if you told him about his father now... rather than have him find out for himself later on?
Maria Gambrelli: Yes. I suppose you're right.
[Maria leaves the room]

Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Chief Lazar and Jean-Claude knock on Dreyfus's door] Yes?
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Chief Lazar enters] Oh, Chief, you look a bit frazzled.
Police Chief Charles Lazar: [Dreyfus's monitor beeps, starting out slowly, and increasing in intensity] Why not? Officer Gambrelli just pushed me out of the window! Fortunately... I held on to the telephone. And to make matters worse... Officer Gambrelli won't tell me anything until he's cleared it with you! Now, you may be in charge of this case, Commissioner, but I am Chief of Police here, and, as long as Officer Gambrelli is on my force, I expect him to report his condition when asked, without your official permission or blessing!
Police Commisioner Charles Dreyfus: [Dreyfus's monitor beeps faster] And I always knew you were a pompous piss-ant! Pi- pi- pi- pi- pi...
Police Chief Charles Lazar: [Dreyfus faints, and his vital signs monitor makes a flatline beeping sound] Commissioner?
Police Chief Charles Lazar: [a team of medical personnel rushes to Dreyfus's room with equipment] He-elp!
Police Chief Charles Lazar: Nooo!
[Chief Lazar falls out the window again, and lands in a therapeutic swimming pool below]


The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976)
[Refering to the aftermath of the Doomsday device]
Dreyfus: What do you suppose they will call the crater, huh? The Dreyfus Ditch?
Dr. Fassbender: There shall be no crater.
Dreyfus: No crater? But I want a crater! I want wreckage, twisted metal. Something the world will not forget!
Dr. Fassbender: They won't forget today.
Dreyfus: They won't? Wonderful. I have to tinkle again. Don't do anything till I get back.

[Clouseau has dressed himself as a local doctor/dentist in order to gain access to the gothic castle that is Dreyfus' headquarters; he is now examining Dreyfus for a bad tooth, but accidentally puts his thumb in Dreyfus' eye instead]
Dreyfus: OW! My eye!
Clouseau: Your eye? I thought it was your tooth.
Dreyfus: Hmm? It IS my tooth!
Clouseau: I wish you'd make your mind up; I don't normally make castle-calls in the middle of the night yeu kneuw!

Clouseau: [after Dreyfus is knocked into the river for a second and third time and Clouseau thinks he is trying to hide that he's upset] I'm afraid today is just not your day, my friend.
Dreyfus: [quickly stands up] Oh, but it is! It is, my "friend" after three, long terrible years it is AT LAST my day! I will not permit, "repeat," not permit anything..."repeat" anything to spoil it. Now, I will walk you to the gate, to the car which should rightfully be mine. And then I will kiss you goodbye!
[kisses Clouseau's cheeks]
Dreyfus: And then I will have my meeting with the sanity commission, and they will set me free! And then...
[gets hit in the head with an arrow and turns to Clouseau]
Dreyfus: I will kill you!
[starts choking him]
Clouseau: [running away] Francois! Start the car!
Dreyfus: [chasing close behind] KILL YOU! KILL YOU!

Dreyfus: Every day and in every way, I am getting better, and better.

Dreyfus: Now this is my plan. Step number one: I will recruit the world's greatest criminal mind. Step number two: I will build an organization so sinister, so powerful, that by comparison La Cosa Nostra will seem like the Vienna Boys' Choir!

Clouseau: You have received a beump on the head.
Dreyfus: Beump?
Clouseau: What?
Dreyfus: You said beump.
Clouseau: Yes, I know that. It is a large beump. You could receive the concussion from such a beump.

Clouseau: Allow me to assist you.
Dreyfus: No! I'm fine. Never better. Just a little... a little shaky. Probably the shock of... I mean, the surprise of seeing you here again today.

Margo Fassbender: What are you going to do?
Dreyfus: Something so very, very painful, so hideous, your father will have no choice but to cooperate.
[puts on a glove, with very sharp claws attached to the finger sockets, and walks to the blackboard]
Margo Fassbender: No!
[Dreyfus nods, and scrapes his clawed glove down the blackbird, making a hideous screeching noise]

Dreyfus: Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Ignition!
[fires a laser which disintegrates the United Nations building]

Dreyfus: Compared to Clouseau, this doomsday machine is just a water pistol.

Dreyfus: He has pulled the wrong tooth! There's only one man who would pull the wrong tooth. It's Clouseau! Kill him! Kill him!

Marty the Mugger: You have several of the world's greatest criminal minds right here, in this very room.
Bruce the Knife: Yeah, why don't we take care of it ourselves?
Dreyfus: Because you wouldn't stand a chance.
[Crims murmur disbelief]
Dreyfus: You don't know Clouseau.
Tournier (a.k.a. Tony the bank robber): He can't be that good.
Dreyfus: Good? Ha, he's not good, he's terrible; he's the worst. There's not another man like him anywhere in the world. Compared to Clouseau this doomsday machine, it's just a mere water pistol.

Psychiatrist: CLOUSEAU!
Dreyfus: Now Doctor, there are some who would find your methods rather unorthodox.
Psychiatrist: Just seeing if I am a better Doctor than you are a Detective.


A Shot in the Dark (1964)
Dreyfus: Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world.

Clouseau: There is something... personal... in this?
Dreyfus: Yes, deeply personal. I hate you! Every little bit of you! Now get out!
Clouseau: You want me to leave?

Clouseau: Well... that just goes to prove what I have said all along.
Dreyfus: What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!

Dreyfus: What about the maid?
Clouseau: The maid?
Dreyfus: Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.
Clouseau: It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.
Dreyfus: A mistake?... in a nudist camp?
Clouseau: Nobody's perfect.
Dreyfus: Idiot nincompoop lunatic!

Dreyfus: [crosses arms, letter opener in hand] François?
Françios: Yes, commissioner?
Dreyfus: Would you please call for a doctor?
Françios: [puts on his glasses] Are you ill?
Dreyfus: I seem to have stabbed myself with a letter opener.

Dreyfus: This case is already so full of cracks I guess one more wouldn't make any difference.
[tosses cigar aside, takes a new cigar and carelessly uses the cigar guillotine]
Dreyfus: François?
Françios: [off screen] Yes, commissioner?
Dreyfus: I just cut off my thumb.

Dreyfus: If someone has been murdered here, please let it be Clouseau.

Dreyfus: [a car bomb has just killed the killers. Dreyfus refers to four other killings] A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack! And now six more innocent people!
Clouseau: But they were all murderers, except for Maurice, who was a blackmailer, Commissioner!
Dreyfus: [whimpering] Compared with you they were saints!

[Opening lines - phone rings; Dreyfus picks it up]
Dreyfus: Commissioner Dreyfus... Ah, yes, my darling... I was just about to call you. I'm on my way. I've got the cheese and the beaujolais... What?
[laughs]
Dreyfus: ... My love. Kiss the children for me... hmm?
[intercom buzzes]
Dreyfus: Hold on.
[covers phone mouthpiece; answers intercom]
Dreyfus: Yes?
intercom: Your wife is on the other line.
Dreyfus: Tell her I'm out of town.

Dreyfus: [Makes nervous sounds crossed between chuckles and whimpers] He released her again, and he's taking her out to dinner to dinner. Every paper in Paris has the story, including the Christian Science Monitor; and he gave them the story. You see he claims he's protecting her lover, and the best way to force him into the open is to make him jealous
[nervous chuckles]
Dreyfus: Jealous! That nincompoop, that megalomaniac. He's setting the science of criminal investigation back a thousand years, and I can't do anything about it.
The Psycho-Analyst: Why not?
Dreyfus: Why not? What if he's right?

Françios: I made a terrible mistake.
Dreyfus: Who did you assign to the case?
Françios: Clouseau.
Dreyfus: Oh, my God.

Dreyfus: A trail of death follows Inspector Clouseau. Four people. A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack!
Clouseau: Most regrettable.

Clouseau: Those were innocent bystanders. The murderer was after me. Fortunately, he missed.
Dreyfus: Fortunately is *not* the word!


The Return of the Pink Panther (1975)
[after an incident involving a blind beggar]
Dreyfus: The beggar was the lookout man for the gang.
Clouseau: That is impossible.
Dreyfus: Why?
Clouseau: He was blind. How can a blind man be a lookout?
Dreyfus: [Insinuating Clouseau] How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!
Clouseau: It's very simple, all he has to do is enlist...
Dreyfus: Shut up!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [in Dreyfus' office, after Clouseau's apartment has been bombed] I tell you, infamous powers are at work! The instant you assign me to a case, the Underworld hears about it and I am set upon! It is amazing that I am still alive!
Dreyfus: [forcing himself not to giggle] "Amazing" is not the word.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do I detect something in your voice that says I am in disfavor with you?
Dreyfus: YES! I wish you were DEAD!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course, you are entitled to your opinion.

Dreyfus: [after Clouseau's fiasco with the bank robbers] ... You are suspended for six months, without pay, effective immediately! Have you anything to say?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Could you lend me fifty francs?

Dreyfus: [after Clouseau has demolished two trucks and a swimming pool in Nice] Now he's off to Gstaad. Today, a paradise in the Swiss Alps - tomorrow, a wasteland.
[rolls his eyes and lets out a deep breath]
Dreyfus: Compared to Clouseau, Attila the Hun was a Red Cross volunteer!

Doctor: Describe your thoughts. Get them out in the open. You'll feel much better.
Dreyfus: All right. See, it's always the same. Clouseau is sitting there, in a chair, just like you, with his back to me. Then suddenly, my hands go round his throat, and I begin to squeeze. It's wonderful. It's marvelous. I'm squeezing. And the more I squeeze, the freer I feel. I'm in ecstasy. And then suddenly, suddenly my problem is solv-ved.
[while Dreyfus has been talking, he has been unintentionally strangling the doctor. He suddenly becomes aware of this as the doctor falls to the floor]
Dreyfus: Doctor! DOCTOR!

Dreyfus: [Offscreen, Dreyfus accidentally fires a gun that he thought did not work. Francois rushes into Dreyfus's office to see what has happened] Don't just stand there, idiot. Call a doctor. And then help me find my nose.

Clouseau: [answering the phone] This is Monsieur Gadoire - who is this speaking?
Dreyfus: Don't you know? HmmHmmm! Can't you guess? I'll give you a clue - this is the man who hates you. This is the man who more than anything else in the world would like to see you dead and buried!
Clouseau: ...are you the headwaiter that works in the little bistro on the Rue de Bazaar?

Doctor: [referring to Clousseau] How much do you hate him?
Dreyfus: How high is up? I hate every little molecule in his body!


The Pink Panther (2006)
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: When I first heard the name Clouseau, he was a little nothing. Just another police officer in a small village far from Paris. He was the village idiot, I think.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: I had been nominated for the Medal of Honor. I have been so nominated seven times. I have never won. Still, seven times, that is something.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: He's very easy to spot. He's got white hair, a thin mustache... Brimming with confidence, and *completely* lost.

Ponton: [chasing masked assassin]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: It's Clouseau. Arrest him.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [running after Ponton]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: ...Which one is he?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [falls off banister]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: That would be him.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Find him. His name is... Clouseau.

[first lines]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Ah, Clouseau. Yes, well, the first time I ever heard that name, uh, Clouseau was just a little, um... nobody, a police officer in some little village far outside of Paris.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: He was the village idiot as far as I could tell.
[Dreyfus chuckles]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: As Chief Inspector of the Police Nationale, I hear many stories of our officers in the field; Clouseau generated many, many stories.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau forces a door open, to find a dog lying in a basket; the dog whimpers] You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau forces a door open, to discover a baby in a playpen; the baby coos] You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau forces a door open, to discover that Pierre Fuquette is alive and well] You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau does a double-take] Pierre Fuquette? The case is closed!


Curse of the Pink Panther (1983)
Sergeant Francois Duval: [Visiting Dreyfus in hospital after Sergent Sleigh knocked him out his office window] Is there anything I can do for you?
[Dreyfus groans in pain]
Sergeant Francois Duval: Are you in much pain?
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: My leg hurts, but my throat is killing me.
Sergeant Francois Duval: You nearly choked to death on a goldfish
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Where is he?
Sergeant Francois Duval: I don't know, I don't think they kept it.
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Not the fish! Detective Sleigh!

Sergeant Francois Duval: [answers call] Oh it's you, good afternoon, where are you?
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: [lying in a hospital bed and wrapped in heaps of bandages] I am in agony.

Doctor: The explosion severely traumatized your left eardrum, but if you are careful and avoid all loud noises, partial hearing should be restored in a few days.
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: What about the ringing?
Doctor: I'm afraid that might take longer.
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: It's very loud, I keep wanting to answer the telephone.
Doctor: Just take the medicine I prescribe, and plenty of rest.
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: All right, thank you Doctor.
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: [after the doctor has left, and Francois is wheeling Dreyfus down the corridor of the hospital] What if I can't distinguish the difference between the ringing in my ear and the phone?
Sergeant Francois Duval: That could be a problem.
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: What?
Sergeant Francois Duval: It may not last much longer.
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: I couldn't stand it if it did. Where is Sleigh?.
Sergeant Francois Duval: On his way to Valencia
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: Valencia?
Sergeant Francois Duval: A tip from Sir Charles.
Chief Insp. Charles LaRousse Dreyfus: [Phone on wall starts ringing] There! It's getting worse.


Revenge of the Pink Panther (1978)
[about Clouseau]
Police Commissioner: You knew him intimately.
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: I hated him intimately!

Clouseau: [Dreyfus shoots a gun at Clouseau a couple times] It's me!
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: I know!
[Dreyfus laughs and starts shooting again]

Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Clouseau?
Clouseau: Yes?
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Are you wounded?
Clouseau: No. Fortunately I was saved by the darkness.
Chief Insp. Dreyfus: So what we need is more light.


The Pink Panther 2 (2009)
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You are under arrest!
Sonia: Let me go, or I will destroy it.
[Sonia takes what she believes to be the Pink Panther from her purse, and draws a gun]
Dreyfus: Let her go.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Let her do it.
Dreyfus: [shocked] Are you insane?
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Sonia tosses what appears to be the Pink Panther into the air, shooting it into millions of fragments; she attempts to run into a hallway, only for Ponton to hit her face with a metal serving tray] Good work, Ponton.
Ponton: Thank you.
Dreyfus: You moron! You twerp! You sad excuse for a human being! You have just destroyed the sacred symbol of France!
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ponton, did you bring what I asked for? Boys...
[Louis and Antoine bring a small jewelry case]
Louis: Here it is, Uncle Jacques.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, yes.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I knew the Tornado would eventually come after the Pink Panther, so I went to the museé with a simple plan in mind. I had convinced my old friend, Robert the night guard, to turn off the security system for the few moments necessary to save the most beautiful object in France. I then switched the Pink Panther with the replica I had at home.
[Clouseau takes the real Pink Panther from the case]
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: This is the real Pink Panther. It was the fake that was stolen.
Dreyfus: [to himself] Nightmare, nightmare.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And when the Tornado, an expert on the quality of gems, wrote in his supposed suicide note of its great beauty, I knew he could never have been the thief; he would have recognized it as a fake.
Vicenzo: How did you figure out it was Sonia?
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: It was because I spent the last 17 months on parking duty.
Dreyfus: What?
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Today I was staring at Miss Solandres' license plate. I recognized it because of my... unique system of cross-referencing. I became aware that I had given a parking ticket to the same car, two days before Miss Solandres claimed she arrived in Paris... one day before the Pink Panther was stolen.
[the guests applaud Clouseau, who has just thwarted Sonia Solandres]
Dreyfus: You followed my instructions very well, Clouseau. It was I, of course, who put Clouseau onto the parking ticket assignment. Isn't that so, Inspector?
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No.
[Clouseau winks at Chief Inspector Dreyfus, who instructed him to deny any knowledge of the assignment]
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And at Avellaneda's mansion, when I sensed the presence of the Tornado, he was there, all right. But it was not a he, it was a she!
[the guests and the Dream Team applaud Clouseau's success]

[first lines]
British Librarian: [inside the British Library] I now bring to your attention one of the most stunning treasures inside the British Library's entire collection: the Magna Carta.
[the tourists murmur at the stolen Magna Carta display, with The Tornado's calling card left at the scene]
Turin Guide: [inside the Turin Chapel] And now, over here, perhaps the most cherished ancient artifact in the Western world: the Shroud of Turin.
[the tourists gasp at the empty display case, with the Tornado's calling card at the scene of the crime]
Japanese Curator: [inside the Kyoto palace, where the policemen and museum curator arrive at the scene; the curator gasps as The Tornado has left another calling card where the Imperial Sword has been stolen] The Imperial sword!
Joubert's Secretary: [at the French government offices in Paris, to Joubert] Chief Inspector Dreyfus is here to see you.
Joubert: Chief Inspector.
Dreyfus: Sir.
Joubert: I'm sure you know why you're here: the British, the Italians, and the Japanese are assembling an elite squad of their finest detectives, an international Dream Team to track down this... Tornado.
Dreyfus: And, uh, France will be represented?
Joubert: Exactly.
Dreyfus: I am honored, but not surprised. This is the culmination of my career... the moment that I've been waititing for all my life.
Joubert: No, no, no.
Dreyfus: Well, not all my life, perhaps...
Joubert: No, no...
Dreyfus: No, nevertheless...
Joubert: They want Clouseau, since he is considered the top detective in the world. We have been asked if Clouseau is available to lead the Dream Team.
Dreyfus: Clouseau?
Joubert: Yes, yes.
[Dreyfus remains silent from shock at the mention of Clouseau's name]
Joubert: Is there something wrong?
Dreyfus: No, no, not at all. Um, would you mind if I uh, use your bathroom just for a moment?
Joubert: Certainly.
Dreyfus: Thank you.
[Dreyfus leaves Joubert's office and enters a bathroom]
Dreyfus: Clouseau...
[Dreyfus bangs his head on the wall and sink counter in frustration, then pushes the toilet's handle; a moment later, he re-enters Joubert's office]
Dreyfus: I'm afraid, sir, that Clouseau is currently occupied.
Joubert: What?
Dreyfus: I've assigned him to a mission so important for our country, that I fear for our national security if he was taken off it.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau is on parking meter duty in a park near the Eiffel Tower; he takes out a tape measure, and measures the distance between a parked car and the curb] Clearly a violation, parking ticket.

Dreyfus: [learns that Clouseau will take the Tornado case] Oh, Clouseau?
Joubert: Yes, yes.
[Joubert sees Dreyfus disappointed, in a dissimulated way - no audio]
Joubert: Is there something wrong?
Dreyfus: [stops with his angry face] No, no, not at all. Would you mind if I, uh, use your bathroom for a moment?
Joubert: Certainly.
Dreyfus: Thank you.
[Dreyfus goes to the bathroom, then he looks at himself in a mirror]
Dreyfus: Clouseau.
[breathes deeply]
Dreyfus: [he hits himself several times - Joubert hears the noise, but low]
[Dreyfus continues hitting himself until he stops]
Dreyfus: [he sighs, then flushes the toilet to simulate, then he exits the bathroom]