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: I've got a Police Commissioner so far up my ass, if he spits it's coming out of my mouth.
: I've got so much brass up my ass that I can play the Star Spangled Banner.
: Captain, is it possible we can discuss potential reimbursement... Capt. Howard
: The department doesn't cover personal property, that's why we drive police cars.
: 22 cars and a boat, totalled? How did hell you sink a boat?
: We got a tip that the Zopehounders were gonna do a hit on cash or drugs from this big time X-man. Marcus Burnett
: That's what they call an ecstasy dealer on the streets. Capt. Howard
: Marcus, I know what they call them. That's why I'm Captain.
: You guys are like a couple of blood sucking ticks, draining the life's blood out of this department... Woosaa! Marcus Burnett
: Damn the woosaa captain, did you just call me a tick? Capt. Howard
: [motioning to Mike
] I was referring to him.
: [while ingested with ecstasy, Marcus is wearing Captain Howard's robe walking downstairs talking on the phone
] I love it when you call me bunny lobe. Mike Lowery
: SHIT! Marcus Burnett
: Yeah girl, you should see this sexy shit I got on. Capt. Howard
: Who the hell are you talking to? Marcus Burnett
: Vargas and Rub... Reyes. They said they down for whatever.
: I can't believe you guys. Do you get up in the morning, call each other up - "Good morning, Marcus." "Good morning, Mike." "How you doin'?" "Ai'ight." "So, how are we going to fuck up the captain's life today?" "Gee, I don't know, I don't know... Ooh, look! Over there. Let's kill three fat people and leave them on the street?" Mike Lowery
: They were dead before we ran over them. Capt. Howard
: It doesn't matter if they were dead or not, goddamn it! Every time you leave a corpse on the street, I have to get these detective guys to come in and see what happened. See? They're detecting shit. Then I've gotta get these forensic coroner guys to stick 'em back in the fucking bag! Jesus Christ!
[after Mike and Marcus's latest massive gunfight/car chase
] Capt. Howard
: [trying to stay calm
] So, you got the drugs.
[they shake their heads
] Capt. Howard
: No drugs. Oh, okay. What about the money?
[they shake theirs heads
] Capt. Howard
: No money. Well then, who's this x-man? Marcus Burnett
: Captain, I was at a family barbecue... Mike Lowery
: We don't know, but we are going to find out. Capt. Howard
: [points to the TV news
] Well then, all that... was for nothing? Mike Lowery
: Oh, we didn't do *all* of that.
: Look, Captain, these were not normal corpses. Capt. Howard
: If I threw you out of moving truck and then ran over your head, you wouldn't be normal either!
: CHRIST! Fuck! Marcus Burnett
] Captain! Remember your pressure points...
: Ho, what did I say? Did you hear what I said? I heard what I said 'cause I was standing there when I said it.
: Until then, until then, you are Mike Lowrey, you be him, that's what you are, you're him. Marcus Burnett
: But I-... Captain Howard
: You're him, I don't wanna hear it, you're him. And you, you're you, you be you, but not in front of her. You're him, you're you.
: [trying to imitate Mike
] Hello, this is Mike Low-rey... Captain Howard
: He doesn't talk that way. Try to talk like him, like him! Try to talk sexy. Sexy, you don't talk sexy enough! Marcus Burnett
: Cap, Cap! I've been there.
: Everybody wants to be like Mike. Captain Howard
: Yeah, and you're gonna be retired like him too.
: [Shooting hoops and continuously missing
] I was, like, gettin' 'em all in before you showed up.
: [Howard is yelling at Burnett for having a shootout outside a hotel
] I haven't killed anyone today, yet, Captain... Captain Howard
: Hey, do you want me to yell at you? Cause I can do that!