Velma Kelly
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Quotes for
Velma Kelly (Character)
from Chicago (2002)

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Chicago (2002)
Velma Kelly: She stole my garter!

Roxie: You're, THE Velma Kelly. I was there the night you got arrested.
Velma Kelly: Yeah? You and half of Chicago.

Velma Kelly: [about Roxie] First she steals my publicity. Then she steals my lawyer, my trial date. And now she steals my goddamn garter.

Velma Kelly: [to Roxie] You wanted advice? Well here it is... straight from me to you... keep your paws off my underwear.

Roxie: Oh, Miss Kelly, got your personals. freshly pressed by yours truly.
[Velma pulls some cash out of her shirt]
Roxie: No, no, it's my pleasure.
Velma Kelly: [Begins to walk away]
Roxie: Hey, can i ask you something?
[Velma turns around]
Roxie: You know that Harrison guy? Well he said what I done is a hangin' case and that he's prepared to ask for the maximum penalty.
Velma Kelly: Yea? So?
Roxie: So, I'm scared, I would really appreciate some advice, especially from someone I admire as much as you.You see, since I can remember, I have wanted to be on the stage.
[Smiles]
Velma Kelly: Oh really? What's your talent? Washin' and dryin'?
Roxie: [Smile fades] No, no, I danced in the chorus.
Velma Kelly: Oh.
Roxie: Well, that was before I met my husband, Amos...
Velma Kelly: Look, honey, you want some advice? Well, here it is, direct from me to you. Keep your paws off my underwear, 'kay?
Roxie: Yeah, okay. Thanks.
Roxie: [Once Velma is out of earshot] For nothin'

Billy Flynn: Miss Kelly, do you know the meaning of perjury?
Velma Kelly: Yes, I do
Billy Flynn: You also know that it's a crime?
Velma Kelly: Yes
Billy Flynn: For example, if you knew this diary was a fake, I'd hate to see you rot away in prison especially since you just won your freedom...
Velma Kelly: Look, all I know is what I was told!
Billy Flynn: Oh, so you didn't find this diary in Roxie's cell?
Velma Kelly: No. Mama - Miss Morton gave it to me. She said someone sent it to her
Billy Flynn: Someone... did she have any idea who this mysterious benefactor could be?
Velma Kelly: [Irritated] No, she didn't know!

Roxie: It'll never work.
Velma Kelly: Why not?
Roxie: Because I hate you.
Velma Kelly: There's only one business where that's no problem at all.

Velma Kelly: My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop. My sister and I were headed straight for the top. My sister and I earned a thou a week at least, but my sister is now unfortunately deceased. I know it's sad, of course, but a fact is still a fact. And now all that remains is the remains of a perfect double act.

Velma Kelly: [Rising from the stage alone] 'C'mon Babe, why don't we paint the town... And all that Jazz. I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down... And all Jazz. Start the car I know a whoopie spot... where the gin is cold and the piano's hot. It's just a noisy hall, where there's a nightly brawl... And all that Jazz.

Liz: Pop.
Annie: Six.
June: Squish.
Hunyack: Unh-uh.
Velma Kelly: Cicero.
Mona: Lipschitz.

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Velma Kelly: And then some.
Bailiff: Take a seat.
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Would you state your name for the record, please?
Velma Kelly: Velma Kelly.
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Ms. Kelly, would you please tell the court if the object that I am holding is the one you happened to come across in the defendant's jail cell?
Velma Kelly: Yes, it is.
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: I submit this as Exhibit X - Roxie Hart's diary!
Billy Flynn: I object! My client has never held a diary! And even if she did, this would be... invasion of privacy, and violation of the fourth amendment, and... and illegal search without a warrant!
Roxie Hart: Yeah, AND she broke the lock!

Velma Kelly: My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row: one, two, three, four, five, splits, spread-eagles, back-flips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show we're at the hotel Cicero, the three of us boozin, having a few laughs, and we run out of ice, so I run out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Veronica and Charlie doing number 17, the spread-eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out; I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead.

Velma Kelly: [singing] No I'm no one's wife, but oh, I love my life and all that jazz.

Velma Kelly: Come on, babe, we're gonna brush the sky. I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high 'cause in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear to all that jazz.

Velma Kelly: You know you're really pretty good.
Roxie: Yeah, that and a dime. What are you doing here?
Velma Kelly: I heard you been, uh, making the rounds.
Roxie: Yeah, well, if it was up to you I'd be swinging by now.
Velma Kelly: Come on, I always knew Billy'd get you off. You should learn how to put things behind you.
Roxie: Oh, thank you. I'll put that at the top of my list. Right after finding a job and an apartment with a john.

Roxie: Mr. Flynn!
[pretends to faint]
Billy Flynn: Someone open this door immediately!
Ms. Sunshine: Oh, my God! Roxie! What is it, dear?
Roxie: Oh! Oh! Oh, no no no. Don't, don't worry about me. Oh, I only hope the fall didn't hurt the baby.
Matron Mama Morton: Baby?
Velma Kelly: Shit!

Velma Kelly: [singing] Now you see me goin' through it. You may think there's nothin' to it. But I simply cannot do it alone.

Velma Kelly: She'd say, "What's your sister like?" I'd say, "Men."

Velma Kelly: You wanted my advice, right? Well here it is. Don't forget Billy Flynn's number one client is... Billy Flynn.
Roxie: What's that supposed to mean?
Velma Kelly: It means, don't let him hog the spot-light when you're the one they paid to see.

Velma Kelly: I just can't take it anymore. You can't go anywhere without hearing about that dumb tomato!
[Mama sits up with her hair dyed blonde like Roxie's]
Velma Kelly: Oh no, Mama, not you, too.

Billy Flynn: Miss Kelly, did you make a deal with Assistant D.A. Harrison to drop all charges against you in exchange for your testimony?
Velma Kelly: Why, sure. I'm not a complete idiot.

Roxie: You see, ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be on the stage.
Velma Kelly: Oh yeah? What's your talent; washing and drying?

Velma Kelly: Slick your hair and wear your buckle shoes... And all that jazz. I hear that father dip is gonna blow the blues... And all that jazz. Hold on hun we're gonna bunny hug, I bought some aspirin down at united drug. In case we shake apart and want a brand new start to do that Jazz.

Velma Kelly: Find a flask, we're playing fast and loose And all that jazz. Right up here is where I store the juice... And all that jazz.

Velma Kelly: Oh, you're gonna see your sheba do the shimmy-shake... And all that jazz. Oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break... And all that jazz. Show her where to park her girdle. Oh, her mother's blood'll curdle if she'd hear her baby's queer for All that jazz...

[last lines]
Velma Kelly: Me and Roxie would just like to say, thank you.
Roxie: Thank you! Believe us, we could never have done it without you.
Velma Kelly, Roxie: [sung] And all... that... jazz! That jazz!

Velma Kelly: [getting out of a cab] Keep the change, Charlie.