Harry Dunne
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Quotes for
Harry Dunne (Character)
from Dumb & Dumber (1994)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Lloyd Christmas: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry Dunne: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.

[after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped]
Harry Dunne: Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

Harry Dunne: So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd Christmas: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Harry Dunne: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd Christmas: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry Dunne: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd Christmas: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.

[to the dogs in his van]
Harry Dunne: OK, gang, you know the rules, no humping, no licking, no sniffing hineys.

Lloyd Christmas: All we need to do is show a little class, a little sophistication, and we're in like a dirty shirt.
Harry Dunne: No problem, Lloyd. We can be classy and sophistic... Oh, check out the funbags on that hosehound.
Lloyd Christmas: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.

Harry Dunne: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd Christmas: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Harry Dunne: Hi, Lloyd.
Lloyd Christmas: Hi, Harry.
Harry Dunne: How was your day?
Lloyd Christmas: Not bad. Fell off the jet way again.

Harry Dunne: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.

Harry Dunne: Skis, huh?
Beth: That's right!
Harry Dunne: Great! They yours?
Beth: Uh-huh.
Harry Dunne: Both of 'em?
Beth: Yes.
Harry Dunne: Ah... cool!

[Harry and Lloyd are spending the evening in a romantic-themed motel]
Harry Dunne: I don't know, Lloyd. These places always seem to bring back a lot of bad memories.
Lloyd Christmas: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry Dunne: No, it was a girl.

Harry Dunne: She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

Harry Dunne: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu.
Mary Swanson: Really? That's weird.
Harry Dunne: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.

Lloyd Christmas: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry Dunne: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd Christmas: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry Dunne: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.

Lloyd Christmas: I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!
Harry Dunne: No way!
Lloyd Christmas: I'll give you three to one odds.
Harry Dunne: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Five to one.
Harry Dunne: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Ten to one?
Harry Dunne: You're on!
Lloyd Christmas: I'm gonna get ya!
Harry Dunne: Nuh uh!
Lloyd Christmas: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.

Harry Dunne: Nice set of hooters you got there!
Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?
Harry Dunne: The owls! They're beautiful!

Harry Dunne: I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o' clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?
Lloyd Christmas: Yep. I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar right by the lobby.
Harry Dunne: [sighs]
Lloyd Christmas: Maybe she just had a change of heart.
Harry Dunne: Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... Wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o' clock at night!
Lloyd Christmas: Do you think...?
Harry Dunne: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?
Lloyd Christmas: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.

[man and woman walk by]
Harry Dunne: Ooh, look at the buns on that one.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he must work out.

Lloyd Christmas: [Reaching over Joe Mantelino] You're it.
Harry Dunne: You're it.
Lloyd Christmas: You're it, quitsies!
Harry Dunne: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd Christmas: You can't do that!
Harry Dunne: Can too!
Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, stamp it!
Harry Dunne: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.
Harry Dunne: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!
Lloyd Christmas: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Harry Dunne: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!
Joe Mentalino: GUYS! ENOUGH!

Mary Swanson: Okay, how do you guys know each other?
Lloyd Christmas: We used to be best friends.
Harry Dunne: Yeah, till he turned into a back-stabber.
Lloyd Christmas: Me, a back-stabber? You got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!
Harry Dunne: Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?
Lloyd Christmas: [gasps] What do you mean?
Harry Dunne: "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.
Lloyd Christmas: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry Dunne: You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd Christmas: Right on my ass after you kiss it!
Harry Dunne: Kiss it! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

Harry Dunne: According to the map, we've only gone 4 inches.

Mary Swanson: So you'll pick me up tonight at seven forty-five?
Harry Dunne: Yo... well, y'know, I got a few things to take care of first, but what... why don't we make it quarter to eight?
Mary Swanson: [laughs] Stop it.
Harry Dunne: Okay, seven forty-five.

Lloyd Christmas: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad.
Harry Dunne: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
Lloyd Christmas: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.

State Trooper: Pullover!
Harry Dunne: No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing.

Harry Dunne: I can't believe it.
Lloyd Christmas: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.
Harry Dunne: But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words.
Lloyd Christmas: Not if you count the gurgling sound.

Mrs. Neugeboren: Where have you been, Dunne? My dogs were supposed to be here 40 minutes ago! Now, I hardly have any time to primp them.
Harry Dunne: Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Noogy-Burger
Mrs. Neugeboren: Neugeboren!
Harry Dunne: Neu-Neu-Neuge...
Mrs. Neugeboren: -boren.
Harry Dunne: Boren. These pooches are not gonna need any primping. You know why? Because I bathed them, and I clipped them myself. And I stand by my performance.
Harry Dunne: [Dogs are covered in ketchup and mustard from the rough car ride] On second thought, you may just want to run a comb through them.

Harry Dunne: What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd Christmas: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry Dunne: Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]
Lloyd Christmas: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.

Lloyd Christmas: Mock
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Ing
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Bird
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah!
Harry Dunne: Yeah!

Lloyd Christmas: She actually talked to me.
Harry Dunne: Get outta here!

Harry Dunne: Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg...
Lloyd Christmas: Okay, kill him!

Harry Dunne: What's in the briefcase?
Lloyd Christmas: Man, I would have to be a real lowlife to go rooting around in someone else's private property.
Harry Dunne: Is it locked?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. Really well.

Harry Dunne: Where's the booze?
Lloyd Christmas: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.
Harry Dunne: Oh, no, no.
Lloyd Christmas: Come on, Harry.
Harry Dunne: It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah?
Harry Dunne: He's dead.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened?
Harry Dunne: His head fell off.
Lloyd Christmas: His head fell off?
Harry Dunne: Yeah. He was pretty old.

Lloyd Christmas: [after a confrontation with Sea Bass] You really wimped out, man.
Harry Dunne: What are you talking about, wimped out? Wha... Did you see? The guy hawked on my burger!

Harry Dunne: Weirdo.
Lloyd Christmas: Sucker of big, brown dirty eggs.
Harry Dunne: Idiot.
Lloyd Christmas: Fried teeth-licker of salmon fried fish!
Harry Dunne: Moron.
Lloyd Christmas: Raider of the Lost Fart!
Harry Dunne: Rump roast.
Lloyd Christmas: Licker of dirty chicken butts.
Harry Dunne: Buttfish.
Lloyd Christmas: Masterbatorio... er, soiler of towels.
Nicholas Andre: SHUT UP!

Beth: I'm gonna give you my number. Let's see if I can find it...
Harry Dunne: Great!
[notices his left leg is on fire]
Harry Dunne: Ha!
Beth: Okay. I know I left it in here somewhere.
Harry Dunne: [stomping his left leg] Look! Why don't you just tell it to me! I have a really good memory!
Beth: Well, the number is 555-...
[Harry repeats it almost silently]
Beth: ...-905 - . Oh wait! That's my home number. That is so weird how your mind just goes plain...
Harry Dunne: [gets impatient, still trying to stomp the fire out] FOR GOD'S SAKE! JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN NUMBER!
Beth: [looks at Harry appalled] Okay. Look guy! You're gonna get pushy, FORGET ABOUT IT!
[Beth drives off, and Harry stomps away to the bathroom to put the fire out]

Harry Dunne: Who's got the foot long?

Harry Dunne: [shivering] I can't feel my f-fingers anymore, Lloyd. They're-they're numb!
Lloyd Christmas: Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.
Lloyd Christmas: [takes off gloves over another pair of gloves] My hands are starting to get sweaty.
Harry Dunne: Extra gloves? You've had this pair of extra gloves this whole time?
Lloyd Christmas: [obliviously] Yeah, we're in the Rockies!

Harry Dunne: [on seeing the dogs covered in food] You know, on second thought, you might just want to run a comb through 'em.

Harry Dunne: Where did you get those?
Lloyd Christmas: I bought them when we filled up.
Harry Dunne: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.
Lloyd Christmas: This didn't come out of our travel fund.
Harry Dunne: Oh.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Harry Dunne: Where did you get 25 extra becks?
Lloyd Christmas: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.
Harry Dunne: The blind kid?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Ha ha!
[Suddenly feels ashamed]
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah.
Harry Dunne: What did you sell him Lloyd?
Lloyd Christmas: Stuff.
Harry Dunne: What kinda stuff?
Lloyd Christmas: I don't know, stuff. A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,
[cough]
Lloyd Christmas: Petey.
Harry Dunne: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!
Lloyd Christmas: Harry, I took care of it...
[cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape]
Billy: Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?

Harry Dunne: What's with the briefcase?
Lloyd Christmas: It's a love memento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew. Emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man.
Harry Dunne: [flabbergasted] Get outta here.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah. Tractor beam.
Lloyd Christmas: [imitates beam noise]
Lloyd Christmas: Sucked me right in. Anyway, she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and outta my life.
Harry Dunne: What's in it?
Lloyd Christmas: Man. I would have to be a lowlife to go routin' around in somebody else's private property.
Harry Dunne: Is it locked?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, really well.

Harry Dunne: [a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out]
Bikini Girl: Hi, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition.
Harry Dunne: You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Bikini Girl: [baffled] Okay, thanks.
[the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry]
Lloyd Christmas: Do you realize what you've done?
[they run after the bus]
Lloyd Christmas: HEY! HEY!
Harry Dunne: Lloyd! Lloyd!
[the bus stops and opens the doors]
Lloyd Christmas: [panting] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.

Harry Dunne: Would you like an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentalino?
Joe Mentalino: Nah, you guys go ahead.
Harry Dunne: I'll do it if you will, Lloyd.
Lloyd Christmas: Okay. You go first.
Harry Dunne: No no. You go first.
Lloyd Christmas: You go first.
Harry Dunne: You go first! I always go first!
Lloyd Christmas: You go first!
Joe Mentalino: Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies and go at the same time, huh?
Lloyd Christmas: That sounds like a dare, Har.
Joe Mentalino: It's a *double* dare!
Harry Dunne: Yeah, okay. You're on!

Joe Mentalino: Feeling better, girls?
Harry Dunne: Yes, much better! Thank you for asking!

Harry Dunne: [Harry just emptied himself into Mary's broken toilet after Lloyd gave him laxatives] Flush, you bastard.

Lloyd Christmas: You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter! Spilling the salt is very bad luck! We're driving across the country, the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder.
Harry Dunne: [Tosses the entire salt shaker over his shoulder]
Sea Bass: What the hell? Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?

Harry Dunne: That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius. I mean where did you come up with a scam like that?
Lloyd Christmas: Saw it in a movie once.
Harry Dunne: That's incredible! So what happened, so the guy tricks some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott free?
Lloyd Christmas: No, in the movie, they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat!
Harry Dunne: [Stares at Lloyd in disbelief. The speed of the engine increases]
Lloyd Christmas: Ha ha ha! It was a good one.

Sea Bass: [Harry accidentally throws a salt shaker at him] What the hell? Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?
[Lloyd points to Harry]
Harry Dunne: Well, it was a terrible mistake, sir. Oh, please believe me, I would never do anything to offend a man of your size.
Sea Bass Friend: Kick his ass, Sea Bass!
Sea Bass: [looks at Harry's burger] You gonna eat that?
Harry Dunne: What, that? No, yes, no. Well, no, I-I crossed my mind, yeah?
Sea Bass: [hawks a disgusting loogie in Harry's burger] Still want it?
Harry Dunne: Nah, you go ahead.

State Trooper: [Harry is driving fast and a cop is behind him and Lloyd] Pull over!
Harry Dunne: What?
State Trooper: Pull over!
Harry Dunne: [realizes he's holding beer bottles that Lloyd urinated in; shows his sweater] No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticin'!
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, killer boots, man!
State Trooper: Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozin', have ya? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine?
Harry Dunne: No, sir.
Lloyd Christmas: No.
State Trooper: [points to the beer bottles] Yeah, well what's that?
Harry Dunne: That's nothing, sir.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, nothing.
State Trooper: Yeah, well are you aware that it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on, give me that booze, you little pumpkin pie, hair-cutted freak, come on!
[Harry complies; the cop prepares to drink it, not knowing that Lloyd peed in it]
Harry Dunne: Sir, no! Wait, wait, wait!
Lloyd Christmas: No, sir, don't!
State Trooper: You keep your mouth shut if you know it's good for ya, buddy!
[takes a swig, only to realize he just drank urine]
Lloyd Christmas: Tic-Tac, sir?
State Trooper: Get the hell out of here!
[on the verge of gagging]

Harry Dunne: [while Lloyd is urinating filling up several empty beer bottles] What are you, a camel?
[Lloyd starts making camel noises]

Lloyd Christmas: This is the life... cold beer, a hot tub and paper-thin walls. There's only one thing that could make this moment any better.
Harry Dunne: What's that?
Lloyd Christmas: If you had a nice set of knockers.
Harry Dunne: That's two things, Lloyd.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not stacked, Harry, or I'd be banging you right now. I'd show you what a real man can do. Split you like an old piece of firewood. You'd probably like it too, you big homo.
Harry Dunne: Shut up.
Lloyd Christmas: Don't tell me to shut up, woman.

Lloyd Christmas: Mary Christmas. Mrs. Mary Christmas. Kinda catchy, huh, Harr?
Harry Dunne: Yeah yeah, that sounds nice. But, Lloyd, don't you think you might be jumping the gun a little bit? I mean, you know, who knows? You know, maybe, once you get to know her you'll find out that she's not your type.
Lloyd Christmas: [stern voice] Hey! Don't you ever say that again! She is the love of my life! The blood in my veins! We belong together till the mountains fall into the sea, till the heavens collide! Or until I get sick of her and need to move on. You hear me?
Harry Dunne: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Just calm down. Just calm down.

Joe Mentalino: So why are you guys going to Aspen? Vacation?
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd and Harry just sabotaged his burger with atomic peppers and are snickering] Why don't you eat up, and we'll tell ya.
Joe Mentalino: It just doesn't seem like you packed match. All I saw was one bag and a briefcase.
Harry Dunne: Well, no, no. The briefcase isn't even ours. Some lady left it at that airport. We're just bring it back to her. How's your burger?
Joe Mentalino: You mean, you don't even know her? I mean talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[Joe Mentalino is having an ulcer attack]
Lloyd Christmas: He's resisting me!
Harry Dunne: Here.
[puts some pills in Mentalino's mouth]
Harry Dunne: Here you go. Here you go. Here you go.
Lloyd Christmas: Pills! Pills are good! Pills are good!
Harry Dunne: Drink 'em down. There you go. There you go, big guy. You want some ketchup and mustard? That helped us.
[Mentalino sees the rat poison bottle]
Joe Mentalino: Son of a bitch!
[stomach gurgles and he dies]
Lloyd Christmas: Check, please.

[Harry and Lloyd hear a knock on their door and look through the peephole]
Harry Dunne: [whispering] There's two of 'em. One of 'em's got a gun.
Lloyd Christmas: [suspiciously] Did you pay the gas bill?
[Harry realizes he didn't, Lloyd grabs Harry's face]
Lloyd Christmas: Do you realize what you've done?

[Deleted scene]
Lloyd Christmas: Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!
Harry Dunne: I don't know if I got that from his death, Lloyd. I think his head just fell off.
Lloyd Christmas: Whatever!


Dumb and Dumber To (2014)
Harry Dunne: Wait a minute. I know what you're up to mister. You wanna stay 'cause you're hot for my daughter.
Lloyd Christmas: What?
Harry Dunne: Am I right?
Lloyd Christmas: What?
Harry Dunne: Am I right?
Lloyd Christmas: That's insane!

Harry Dunne: Lloyd, did you say something? That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!
Lloyd Christmas: GOT YA!
Harry Dunne: Wh- Wh- Wh- What-What-What?
Lloyd Christmas: You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!
Harry Dunne: W- W- W- Wait, wait. Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?
Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh.
Harry Dunne: So you mean you just wasted the best years of your life.
Lloyd Christmas: Out the window.
Harry Dunne: And you let me come here every Wednesday for like a thousand weeks and it was all just for a gag?
Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh!
Harry Dunne: That's... awesome!

Lloyd Christmas: Legs are a little rubbery after all that time sitting here. Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse take the catheter out of me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.
Lloyd Christmas: We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.
Lloyd Christmas: Don't you have to...
[Harry pulls on the catheter, yanking Lloyd off the wheelchair]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, God!
Harry Dunne: That things really taken root!

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, who's this?
Harry Dunne: That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley.
Lloyd Christmas: Why did you name him Butthole?
Harry Dunne: Oh. 'Cause of this.
[shows the cat's butthole]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.

Harry Dunne: Lloyd? I think that was her "gran-gina."
Mrs. Snergle: That's right. So you can cross that one off your bucket list.

Harry Dunne: Whoa! Lloyd! Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.
Lloyd Christmas: That's almost three hours away. Can't I check them out now?

Harry Dunne: [Going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home] Whoa. I got accepted at Arizona State.

Harry Dunne: I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.
Dr. Meldmann: Ah. Christmas, like the holiday?
Lloyd Christmas: No, Like the tree.

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, Har. You wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?
Harry Dunne: Sure.
[constantly rings the doorbell]
Harry Dunne: Yeah, that's pretty annoying.
Lloyd Christmas: No, not that.
Mrs. Stainer: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RINGING OUR DOORBELL LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
Lloyd Christmas: That!

Lloyd Christmas, Harry Dunne: [to Dr. Walcott] Show us your tits!
Harry Dunne: Both of 'em!

Harry Dunne: How many days are in April?
Lloyd Christmas: 30 days have September, all the rest I can't remember
Harry Dunne: Must be 31 because nothing rhymes with August
Lloyd Christmas: Nah I think it's 32 Harry. April's a leap month

Dr. Pinchelow: I know she will appreciate all the trouble you have come to find her. Let's call her.
[Hands over to Harry his cellphone]
Harry Dunne: It's ringing!
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd answers Penny's discarded cellphone] Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something very important here.
Harry Dunne: [Oblivious Lloyd is speaking] This is your Dad!
Lloyd Christmas: [to Penny's foster parents] Guys I know this is weird timing but I got to take this. It's my dead Dad!

Harry Dunne: [Lloyd is in a catatonic state at a mental hospital] Come on, Lloyd. You gotta get over her. Mary Samsonite was just a girl. Besides, she's married. And even if it had worked out, would you really want ginger babies? Gross

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment] Who's the astronaut?
Harry Dunne: Oh, that's my new roommate.
Lloyd Christmas: [Shocked and slightly disappointed] Roommate? You have a new roommate?
Harry Dunne: Well, I mean, I had to get someone to pay half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?
Ice Pick: [Sarcastically] Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.
Harry Dunne: Pick cooks up a rock candy that'll make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy it.
Lloyd Christmas: It's burning my eyes. Must be Cajun style,

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd meets the now adult Billy 4C for the first time in 20 years] Hey Billy! I hear you got a lot of flockin' birds!
Billy: Is that you, Lloyd?
Lloyd Christmas: Very good. I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years. So what you been up to, buddy boy? Seen any good movies lately?
[Harry nudges him]
Lloyd Christmas: I mean, you know, like, on the radio?
Billy: [Lloyd feeds some of Billy's parrots candy] What was that? Did you just feed them something?
Lloyd Christmas: Relax. Just a little candy.
Billy: You can't feed candy to birds! They're stomachs'll explode!
Lloyd Christmas: Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?
Billy: Are you crazy? Pick those up! Pick 'em up!
Lloyd Christmas: All right, all right! Sheesh. Well, nice catching up. See you later.
Billy: Not If I see you first!
Lloyd Christmas: Ha-ha! Good one!
Billy: No, no, no. It's okay, Siskel. Daddy's not going to let them get anywhere near you.
Lloyd Christmas, Harry Dunne: [Together at once] BOOGA!
[the pair frighten Billy]
Lloyd Christmas: See? I told you that hearing thing was a wives' tail.

Lloyd Christmas: [Harry and Lloyd mistake Freida as her daughter] Suck me sideways!
Harry Dunne: You're the spitting image of her!
Fraida Felcher: You morons! This is the return address. Her's is on the on the side with the stamp.
Lloyd Christmas: But it's still uncanny!

Harry Dunne: Let me ask you something Freida. If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father then who's her father?
Fraida Felcher: Funny you should ask.
[to Penny]
Fraida Felcher: Honey how would uou like to meet some relatives?
[Points towards the Stainers]
Lloyd Christmas: Mr Stainer? I should have known. You horny old goat!
Fraida Felcher: No Lloyd. Mr Stainer is Penny's grandfather.
Harry Dunne: You mean Pee Stain's the dad?
Lloyd Christmas: Duh!

Harry Dunne: Mr Stainer, Mrs Stainer so nice to see you.
Mr. Stainer: Harry, Lloyd. To what do we the owe the honour at this late hour gentlemen?
Lloyd Christmas: We were just wondering if Pee Stain wanted to come out for some suds snd maybe having his ass handed to him in a couple of games of Dig Dug.
Mr. Stainer: Lloyd. Peter is dead.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah right. Since when?
Mr. Stainer: Since 1991. Remember?
Lloyd Christmas: The motorcycle accident? But I thought he pulled through. The obituary said he was survived by his parents.
Mr. Stainer: No he did mot pull through.
Lloyd Christmas: Are you sure?
Mr. Stainer: Yes.
[Shows the duo a poster of their late son]
Lloyd Christmas: You guys are right. Anyway sorry about that whole thing. Pee Stain and I were close friends.
Mr. Stainer: Yeah we know. You were the one who sold him the motorcycle.
Lloyd Christmas: And if I recall I made him a sweet deal. My bike for his helmet straight up. That thing was a rocket. A little squirrelly on the corners, and when you got on it straight away...
Mr. Stainer: Good night Lloyd. Good night Harry.

Harry Dunne: I wonder what it would have been like to raise a child.
[Harry daydreams of what life would have been like if he raised a daughter. First Harry teaches his toddler daughter how to do a stunt on her bike. Harry is then shown knocking one of his daughter's baby teeth out a few years later. We then see that Harry's now teenage daughter has had her first period]
Harry Dunne: .
Penny: [Harry's daughter now an adult goes on a date] Bye, dad.
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd is acting retarded and is wearing a pink vest and two huge fan gloves] Mr Dunne! Mr Dunne!
[about to eat from a dustbin]
Lloyd Christmas: Do you mind?
Harry Dunne: Bon appetite, kid!

Harry Dunne: I don't know about this, Lloyd. I haven't been home for over 20 years.
Lloyd Christmas: Come on, Harry! You need a genital organ match. They're your parents.
Harry Dunne: I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd. Not after what they did to me.
Lloyd Christmas: What'd they do?
Harry Dunne: They threw me out of the house.
Lloyd Christmas: Why?
Harry Dunne: Just 'cause I told them I was gay.
Lloyd Christmas: Why'd you tell them that?
Harry Dunne: I was sick of mowing the lawn.

Lloyd Christmas: Wow. Think about it. If I hadn't sold that crotch rocket to Pee Stain, you wouldn't have a bastard child who's gonna save your life.
Harry Dunne: God's got a pretty warped sense of humor, huh?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. I bet he smokes weed. Otherwise, why he put our testicles outside our bodies, where someone can do this?
[hits Harry in his crotch]

Fraida Felcher: Look, guys. It's me. Fraida Felcher.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, right. Like we'd be fighting over those blowfish jowls. No offense.
Fraida Felcher: Harry, Lloyd, I'm gonna say this one more time. I'm Fraida.
Lloyd Christmas: [whispers to Harry] Tattoo.
Harry Dunne: Oh, yeah. Then show us your tattoo. 'Cause Fraida had a cute little smiley face on her back, right above her bikini line. Well?
[Fraida shows her tattoo]
Harry Dunne: Hmm. It's close.
Lloyd Christmas: Mmm.
[Fraida pushes up the smiley face]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Hi, Fraida.
Harry Dunne: Oh, hey! How ya been?
Lloyd Christmas: Have you been doing yoga?

Harry Dunne: Boy, I sure wish I could have been there when she was little.
Lloyd Christmas: Whatever. That's all water under the fridge now, Har. Think of the bright side. You're finally getting to meet her, and you never had to change those poopy diapers.
Harry Dunne: That's called being a parent, Lloyd. Besides, I changed your poopy diapers for 20 years.
Lloyd Christmas: I totally sucked you in. Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.

Dr. Pinchelow: You know, I always wondered what Penny's natural father was like. When my late wife and I adopted her, we didn't have much information her birth parents. We were told her mother was single, and that she was... Well...
Adele: You can say it, dear. She was rumored to be a titanic whore.
Harry Dunne: That's a lie! Fraida never stepped foot on the Titanic!
Lloyd Christmas: You must be talking about the time she did the night crew on the Block Island Ferry.

Harry Dunne: That's weird. The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold.
Lloyd Christmas: It shrank mine.

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, you guys want to play "He Who Smelt It"?
Harry Dunne: Yeah.
Travis: What's that?
Lloyd Christmas: It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.
Harry Dunne: But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were passing a slaughterhouse.
Lloyd Christmas: False fart!
Harry Dunne: You lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts either.
Travis: What, are you kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffin' you guys's farts like some kind of truffle pig. Forget it!
Harry Dunne: Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, head-to-head.
Travis: How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart, and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?
Lloyd Christmas: I thought you said you never played before.
Harry Dunne: Yeah. Sound like he wrote the rule book.
Lloyd Christmas: I think we might have a hustler, Har.

Lloyd Christmas: Harry, holy cow. I'm worried about you. You're as deaf as a bat.
Harry Dunne: That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd. Your mother got into bed with me.

Harry Dunne: Wow. Great accent, Doc. Where you from?
Dr. Walcott: England. Surrey.
Harry Dunne: Oh, no need to apologize. That was years ago. We kicked your butt anyway, so we're cool with it.

Harry Dunne: Mrs. P. What are you doing here?
Dr. Walcott: Do you always call your wife Mrs. P?
Harry Dunne: Oh. Uh - How you doin', sugar tits? I missed ya.

Captain Lippencott: Why are you standing in the toilet?
Harry Dunne: So you wouldn't see my feet.
Captain Lippencott: Why not just stand on the rim?
Harry Dunne: There's ball hairs all over that thing. I'm not stupid.

Fraida Felcher: So, guys, there's still one thing I don't understand. How could either of you have possibly thought that you were Penny's father?
Harry Dunne: Well, why wouldn't we?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah!
Fraida Felcher: Because we never had sex.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Yeah. Well, you could've fooled us.
Harry Dunne: Yeah, nice try, Snow White. Does the word "hot tub" jog your memory? If I recall, I played with your boobies for a long time that night. The mother boat, the windshield wipers, the punching bag.
Fraida Felcher: You know Harry, you can't get a woman pregnant by manhandling her breasts.
Harry Dunne: Oh, really? Well, then, why'd your doorbells get so hard?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. And did you forget about the French tickler in the back of the van?
Fraida Felcher: Putting a frilly glow-in-the-dark condom on your finger is not the same as having sex.
Lloyd Christmas: What if I go like this?
Lloyd Christmas: [wiggles his finger]
Fraida Felcher: No.

Harry Dunne: Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's your definition of sex?
Fraida Felcher: Well...
[whispers to Harry and Lloyd]
Lloyd Christmas: No way! That's just... Not my mom! Ew!
Harry Dunne: But that's where she pees!
Lloyd Christmas: It's in my head, and I can't unlearn it! You're bad!
Harry Dunne: Can you show us?
Lloyd Christmas: I call sloppy seconds.

[last lines]
Harry Dunne: Bush Club!
Lloyd Christmas: Bush Club!
[laughing]


Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003)
Mrs. Dunne: Hey, fellas, it's getting kind of late. Come on.
Lloyd Christmas: Can I be on top?
Harry Dunne: Only if I can be on bottom.
Lloyd Christmas: All Right!

Harry: You found my treasure? Why didn't you tell me?
Lloyd Christmas: Three words: I did.

Lloyd Christmas: Somebody chipped my tooth!
Harry: How do you think I feel? Somebody bit me in the forehead!

Lloyd Christmas: You know, you're the first person I ever brought here, Harry.
Harry Dunne: Is this your special place?
Lloyd Christmas: No, I just usually eat in the crapper. Yeah. Saves time. Out with the old, in with the new.

[Harry is about to throw away Lloyd's chipped tooth]
Lloyd: No! Wait - save it for the Tooth Fairy.
Harry: I happen to know for a fact that my mother is the Tooth Fairy.
Lloyd: No way! Your mom's the Tooth Fairy?
Harry: Yeah, she flies around at night while I'm asleep.
Lloyd: Well nice to meet you. I'm Lloyd Christmas.
Harry: Well, I'll be. Here I am bragging about how my mom's the Tooth Fairy and you're dad's Santa Claus!

Principal Collins: You know, Honey... I think I've finally figured out a way to bilk this school out of enough money to get us that condo in Waikiki.
Ms. Heller: How, Sweet Baby? You've done it all.
Principal Collins: Small potatoes. This is the big one. This is visionary. This idea is genius.
[Ms. Heller giggles]
Principal Collins: Look at this. The "Richard Moffitt Special Needs Grant".
Ms. Heller: Mm-hmm.
Principal Collins: This Moffitt guy used to be in a Special Needs program, & then he learns to string a couple of sentences together and now he's some big hotshot. Anyway, the State is giving 100 Grand in his name to every school that has a Special Needs Class.
Ms. Heller: This is fantastic!
Principal Collins: Mm-hmm.
Ms. Heller: All we have to do is *kill* this Moffitt guy, & we get all the money.
Principal Collins: No.
[Ms. Heller sighs]
Principal Collins: No. What we need is to set up a *fake* Special Needs Class.
Ms. Heller: We start our own class.
Principal Collins: Problem is, where do we find kids... we can pass off as "Special"?
Lloyd Christmas: O.k., that's high enough! Thanks, Turk.
Harry Dunne: I'm flying! Woo-hoo! So this is what a flag sees all day.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah.
Harry Dunne: And your friend Turk is totally great.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he's Aces, huh?
[to Turk, below]
Lloyd Christmas: Hey, thanks, Turk! We're so high!
[Turk laughs]
Principal Collins: Bingo.

Harry: I like your flight suit.
Ray: I'm a custodian.
Harry: Well then...
[salutes Ray]

Harry Dunne: [Harry is covered in mud and hit by Jessica's dad's car] Charlie!
Jessica's Dad: Oh, my God... it's you... you're the guy that crapped up my house! What are you... you're covered in *shit*! My car's covered in *shit*!
Harry Dunne: No, no, no, no... It's not that?
[gets off the hood and starts to walk off]
Jessica's Dad: There's crap all over my hood! You got feces all over my mercedes! It's in my grill! My car's covered in shit!
Lloyd: Who's that?
Harry Dunne: That's Jessica's Dad. She says he's really anal.
Lloyd: [Winces, disgusted] Ew... ugh, that's gross.
Jessica's Dad: [as they walk off, fading out] Get back here! I'm not cleaning this up! I'm gonna have to have this towed! Are you out of your mind? What is it with you and *fecal* matter?
[Fade out]

Turk: So were you held back two years like Lloyd?
Harry Dunne: No, I was held back three.
Lloyd Christmas: By your mom?

[Lewis is getting his mascot's head taken off]
Lewis: Aah.
Harry Dunne: Whoa! The half boy / half horse.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh! That's more of what we're looking for.
Harry Dunne: He's *super* special.
Lewis: Well... I mean, I got to get a job anyway. So if I - if I sign your thing, I can just come and go whenever I want to?
Lloyd Christmas: You were born free, and free you shall remain.

Turk: [after Harry and Jessica and Harry finish talking] Hey Harry, did Jessica give you that banana in your pocket?
Harry Dunne: No, my mom did!
Turk: Gross!
Harry Dunne: [pulls out of pocket]
Harry Dunne: Want some?
Turk: [saying discustedly] NO!

Harry Dunne: Yeah. I like a woman with some meat on her bones.

Jessica's Mom: [Jessica's Mom notices Harry is digging into the dinner rolls she has prepared] I see you like my rolls.
Harry: [Stares at Jessica's Mom] Yeah. I like a woman with some meat on her bones.

Lloyd: Whoa! Look at Jessica, look at her milk bubbles, and her shorts are really short!
Harry Dunne: I know...
Lloyd: Yea, last time I wore shorts that short, I got beat up!

Harry Dunne: I like your outfit, Mr. Polar Bear.