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: [addressing Mary
] I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anybody. Lloyd Christmas
: [laughs nervously
] Listen to me! I feel like a schoolboy again. A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you. Mary Swanson
: [Mary comes into the room, making it clear to viewers that Lloyd's previous words were just a rehearsal
] I thought I heard you talking to someone. Lloyd Christmas
: [now extremely nervous
] Mary... I... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.
: This isn't my real job, you know. Mary Swanson
: No? Lloyd Christmas
: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store. Mary Swanson
: That's nice. Lloyd Christmas
: I got worms! Mary Swanson
: I beg your pardon? Lloyd Christmas
: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.
: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu. Mary Swanson
: Really? That's weird. Harry Dunne
: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.
: So where are you headin'? Mary Swanson
: Aspen. Lloyd Christmas
: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!
: Nice set of hooters you got there! Mary Swanson
: I beg your pardon? Harry Dunne
: The owls! They're beautiful!
: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere? Mary Swanson
: How'd you guess? Lloyd Christmas
: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.
: Okay, how do you guys know each other? Lloyd Christmas
: We used to be best friends. Harry Dunne
: Yeah, until he turned into a back-stabber. Lloyd Christmas
: Me, a back-stabber? You've got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her! Harry Dunne
: Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it? Lloyd Christmas
: What do you mean? Harry Dunne
: "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today. Lloyd Christmas
: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now. Harry Dunne
: You just tell me where to sign, bud. Lloyd Christmas
: Right on my ass after you kiss it! Harry Dunne
: You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, Mwah, Mwah!
: So you'll pick me up tonight at seven forty-five? Harry Dunne
: Well I got a few things to take care of. So how about we make it quarter to eight? Mary Swanson
] Stop it. Harry Dunne
: Okay. Seven forty-five
[while looking back at Mary
] Lloyd Christmas
: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window
] Mary Swanson
: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please? Lloyd Christmas
: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.
: [after hearing on TV about the kid who bought a dead bird
] Who are these sick people?
: I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me the honest answer. What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together? Mary Swanson
: Well Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't... Lloyd Christmas
: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary, just... The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances? Mary Swanson
: Not good.
[the background soundtrack music suddenly stops
] Lloyd Christmas
: [he gulps, his mouth twitching
] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred? Mary Swanson
: I'd say more like one out of a million. Lloyd Christmas
: [long pause while he processes what he's heard
] So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!
: This is incredible. You mean to say you drove 2000 miles, just for me? Lloyd Christmas
: I-I didn't really have a-a lot to do... and I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag.