Quotes for
Mary Swanson (Character)
from Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Lloyd: This isn't my real job, you know.
Mary: No?
Lloyd: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
Mary: That's nice.
Lloyd: I got worms!
Mary: I beg your pardon?
Lloyd: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.

Harry: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu.
Mary: Really? That's weird.
Harry: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.

Lloyd: What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?
Mary: Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I mean, we don't really...
Lloyd: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.
[pause]
Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance... *YEAH!*

Lloyd: So where are you headin'?
Mary: Aspen.
Lloyd: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!

Harry: Nice set of hooters you got there!
Mary: I beg your pardon?
Harry: The owls! They're beautiful!

Lloyd: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?
Mary: How'd you guess?
Lloyd: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.

Mary: Okay, how do you guys know each other?
Lloyd: We used to be best friends.
Harry: Yeah, until he turned into a back-stabber.
Lloyd: Me, a back-stabber? You've got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!
Harry: Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?
Lloyd: What do you mean?
Harry: "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.
Lloyd: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry: You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd: Right on my ass after you kiss it!
Harry: You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips, right here!

Mary: So you'll pick me up tonight at seven forty-five?
Harry: Well I got a few things to take care of. So how about we make it quarter to eight?
Mary: [laughs] Stop it
Harry: Okay. Seven forty-five

[while looking back at Mary]
Lloyd: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window]
Mary: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.

Mary: [after hearing on TV about the kid who bought a dead bird] Who are these sick people?

Lloyd: I want to ask you a question... straight out, flat out... and I want you to give me an honest answer. What do you think the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?
Mary: Well Lloyd... that's difficult to say... you really don't...
Lloyd: Hit me! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: [Gulps] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary: I'd say more like... one out of a million.
Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance. Yeah!

Mary: This is incredible. You mean to say you drove 2000 miles, just for me?
Lloyd: I-I didn't really have a-a lot to do... and I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag.

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