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: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her. Harry
: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
: So you got fired again, eh? Lloyd
: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know? Harry
: Yeah, well, I lost my job too. Lloyd
: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense. Harry
: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred. Lloyd
: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.
: All we need to do is show a little class, a little sophistication, and we're in like a dirty shirt. Harry
: No problem, Lloyd. We can be classy and sophistic... Oh check out the funbags on that hosehound. Lloyd
: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.
: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this. Lloyd
: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.
: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.
: Hi, Lloyd. Lloyd
: Hi, Harry. Harry
: How was your day? Lloyd
: Not bad. Fell off the jet way again.
: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip! Lloyd
: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.
: We got no food, no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!
[Harry and Lloyd are spending the evening in a romantic-themed motel
: I don't know, Lloyd. These places always seem to bring back a lot of bad memories. Lloyd
: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart? Harry
: No, it was a girl.
: Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy.
: Excuse me, Flo?
[Harry and Lloyd crack up
: Flo, like the TV show. Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour? Flo, Waitress #1
: It's the Soup of the Day. Lloyd
: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.
: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey? Lady at bus stop
: Austria. Lloyd
: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie! Lady at bus stop
: Let's not.
: This isn't my real job, you know. Mary
: No? Lloyd
: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store. Mary
: That's nice. Lloyd
: I got worms! Mary
: I beg your pardon? Lloyd
: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.
: Well suck me sideways!
: Sir, you can't go in there! Lloyd
: It's ok, I'm a limo driver!
: What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together? Mary
: Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I mean, we don't really... Lloyd
: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances? Mary
: Not good. Lloyd
: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred? Mary
: I'd say more like one out of a million.
: So you're telling me there's a chance... *YEAH!*
: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town! Harry
: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go? Lloyd
: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen. Harry
: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.
: So where are you headin'? Mary
: Aspen. Lloyd
: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!
: I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day! Harry
: No way! Lloyd
: I'll give you three to one odds. Harry
: No. Lloyd
: Five to one. Harry
: No. Lloyd
: Ten to one? Harry
: You're on! Lloyd
: I'm gonna get ya! Harry
: Nuh uh! Lloyd
: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.
[coming out of the 7-11
: Hey guys. Woah, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see ya later.
: I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o' clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar? Lloyd
: Yep. I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar right by the lobby.
: Maybe she just had a change of heart. Harry
: Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... Wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o' clock at night! Lloyd
: Do you think...? Harry
: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning? Lloyd
: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.
: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere? Mary
: How'd you guess? Lloyd
: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.
: Hey, look, the Monkees. They were a huge influence on the Beatles.
[man and woman walk by
: Ooh, look at the buns on that one... Lloyd
: Yeah, he must work out.
: You're it. Harry
: You're it. Lloyd
: You're it, quitsies! Harry
: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies! Lloyd
: You can't do that! Harry
: Can too! Lloyd
: Cannot, stamp it! Harry
: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies! Lloyd
: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true. Harry
: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd! Lloyd
: [hands over ears
] LA LA LA LA LA LA! Harry
: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!
: Okay, how do you guys know each other? Lloyd
: We used to be best friends. Harry
: Yeah, until he turned into a back-stabber. Lloyd
: Me, a back-stabber? You've got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her! Harry
: Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it? Lloyd
: What do you mean? Harry
: "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today. Lloyd
: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now. Harry
: You just tell me where to sign, bud. Lloyd
: Right on my ass after you kiss it! Harry
: You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips, right here!
: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad! Harry
: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep! Lloyd
: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.
: Pullover! Harry
: No, it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing. Lloyd
: Yeah, killer boots man!
: I can't believe it. Lloyd
: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat. Harry
: But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words. Lloyd
: Not if you count the gurgling sound.
: [sees framed newspaper article about moon landing
] No Way! That's Great...
: WE'VE LANDED ON THE MOON!
[while looking back at Mary
: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window
: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please? Lloyd
: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.
: What's her last name? I'll look it up. Lloyd
: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson? Harry
: Maybe it's on the briefcase. Lloyd
: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite
: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
: Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
: [to motorcycle cop
] Tic-Tac, sir?
: So I told myself. Beth you just got to run girl and oh you know what that clutz did next? Lloyd
: No and I DON'T CARE!
: We don't usually pick up hitchhikers... but I'm-a gonna go with my instincts on this one. Saddle up partner!
: Mock Harry
: Yeah! Lloyd
: Ing Harry
: Yeah! Lloyd
: Bird Harry
: Yeah! Lloyd
: Yeah! Harry
: She actually talked to me. Harry
: Get outta here!
: Some people just aren't cut out for life on the road.
: Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg... Lloyd
: Okay, Kill Him!
: What's in the briefcase? Lloyd
: Man, I would have to be a real lowlife to go rooting around in someone else's private property. Harry
: Is it locked? Lloyd
: Yeah. Really well.
: Where's the booze? Lloyd
: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming. Harry
: Oh, no, no. Lloyd
: Come on, Harry. Harry
: It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey. Lloyd
: Yeah? Harry
: He's dead. Lloyd
: Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened? Harry
: His head fell off. Lloyd
: His head fell off? Harry
: Yeah. He was pretty old.
: I get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.
: I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."
: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar? Elderly woman
: Change? No I'm sorry, I don't. Lloyd
: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar? Elderly woman
: Of course. Lloyd
: Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!
: [after a confrontation with Sea Bass
] You really wimped out, man. Harry
: What are you talking about, wimped out? Wha... Did you s... The guy hawked on my burger!
: Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supposed to be giving a lecture in 20 minutes, and my driver's a bit lost.
: [Opening the door on Nicholas Andre, who he thinks is a hotel employee
] We have plenty of towels - thank you!
: Weirdo. Lloyd
: Sucker of big, brown dirty eggs. Harry
: Moron. Lloyd
: Raider of the lost fart. Harry
: Buttfish. Lloyd
: Masterbatorio... er, soiler of towels. Nicholas Andre
: SHUT UP!
: Husband? Wait a minute... what was all that 'one in a million' talk?
: [to Harry
] How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.
: [Harry is choking him barehanded on a picnic table in Aspen
] Harry-your hands are freezing!
: Don't you go dying on me!
: It's okay! I'm a limo driver!
: Hmmm, Calafornia. Beautiful...
] Lloyd, I can't feel my fingers, they're numb! Lloyd
: Oh well here, take this extra pair of gloves, my hands are starting to get a little sweaty. Harry
: Extra gloves? You've had extra gloves this whole time? Lloyd
: Uh yea, we are in the Rockies. Jeez!
: [as he leaves a convenience store, Lloyd encounters two black guys
] Hey, guys. Oh, Big Gulps, huh? All right... Well, see you later!
: Where did you get those? Lloyd
: I bought them when we filled up. Harry
: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget. Lloyd
: This didn't come out of our travel fund. Harry
: Oh. Lloyd
: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left. Harry
: Where did you get 25 extra becks? Lloyd
: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C. Harry
: The blind kid? Lloyd
: Yeah, ha ha! Yeah. Harry
: What did you sell him Lloyd? Lloyd
: Stuff. Harry
: What kinda stuff? Lloyd
: I don't know, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,
: Petey. Harry
: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head! Lloyd
: Harry, I took care of it...
[cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape
: Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?
: What's with the briefcase? Lloyd
: A love momento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew. Emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man! Harry
] Get outta here. Lloyd
: Oh yeah. Tractor beam
[imitates beam noise
: sucked me right in. Anyway, she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and out of my life. Harry
: What's in it? Lloyd
: Man, I would have to be a lowlife to go routing around in someone else's private property. Harry
: Is it locked? Lloyd
: Yeah, really well.
: [a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out
] Bikini Girl
: Hi guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition. Harry
: You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there. Bikini Girl
] Okay, thanks.
[the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry
: Do you realize what you've done?
[they run after the bus
: HEY! HEY! Harry
: Lloyd! Lloyd!
[the bus stops and opens the doors
] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.
: Would you like an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentalino? Mental
: Nah, you guys go ahead. Harry
: I'll do it if you will, Lloyd. Lloyd
: Okay. You go first. Harry
: No no. You go first. Lloyd
: You go first. Harry
: You go first! I always go first! Lloyd
: You go first! Mental
: Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies and go at the same time, huh? Lloyd
: That sounds like a dare, Har. Mental
: It's a *double* dare! Harry
: Yeah, okay. You're on!
: I want to ask you a question... straight out, flat out... and I want you to give me an honest answer. What do you think the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together? Mary
: Well Lloyd... that's difficult to say... you really don't... Lloyd
: Hit me! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances? Mary
: Not good. Lloyd
] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred? Mary
: I'd say more like... one out of a million. Lloyd
: So you're telling me there's a chance. Yeah!
: I thought the Rocky Mountains would be a little rockier than this. Lloyd
: Yeah, that John Denver is full of shit, man.
: This is incredible. You mean to say you drove 2000 miles, just for me? Lloyd
: I-I didn't really have a-a lot to do... and I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag.
: You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter! Spilling the salt is very bad luck! We're driving across the country, the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder. Harry
: [Tosses the entire salt shaker over his shoulder
] Sea Bass
: What the hell? Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?
: Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase, my friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you. Nicholas Andre
: Open it up. Open it up! Lloyd
: [Motioning to Mary
] Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says. Hurry. Nicholas Andre
: What is this? What is this? Where's all the money? Lloyd
: That's as good as money, sir. Those are I.O.U.'s. Go ahead and add it up, every cent's accounted for. Look, see this? That's a car. 275 thou. Might wanna hang onto that one.
: That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius. I mean where did you come up with a scam like that? Lloyd
: Saw it in a movie once. Harry
: That's incredible! So what happened, so the guy tricks some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott free? Lloyd
: No, in the movie, they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat! Hahaha! It was a good one.
: [after getting off the moped with Harry frozen to his back
] Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh Har?
: [after Harry saves his life
] Harry, you're alive... and a horrible shot!
: [while telling Harry what to tell Mary about himself
] Tell her I'm rich, and I'm good looking, and I have, uh, a rapist's wit.
: [Harry is driving fast and a cop is behind him and Lloyd
] Pull over! Harry
: What? State Trooper
: Pull over! Harry
: [realizes he's holding beer bottles that Lloyd urinated in; shows his sweater
] No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticin'! Lloyd
: Yeah, killer boots, man! State Trooper
: Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozin', have ya? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine? Harry
: No, sir. Lloyd
: No. State Trooper
: [points to the beer bottles
] Yeah, well what's that? Harry
: That's nothing, sir. Lloyd
: Yeah, nothing. State Trooper
: Yeah, well are you aware that it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on, give me that booze, you little pumpkin pie, hair-cutted freak, come on!
[Harry complies; the cop prepares to drink it, not knowing that Lloyd peed in it
: Sir, no! Wait, wait, wait! Lloyd
: No, sir, don't! State Trooper
: You keep your mouth shut if you know it's good for ya, buddy!
[takes a swig, only to realize he just drank urine
: Tic-Tac, sir? State Trooper
: Get the hell out of here!
[on the verge of gagging
: Excuse me, gunman. Who are you? Nicholas Andre
: Don't play dumb with me, asshole! I'm the rightful owner of the briefcase you've been carrying around!
: Hey, fellas, it's getting kind of late. Come on. Lloyd Christmas
: Can I be on top? Harry Dunne
: Only if I can be on bottom. Lloyd Christmas
: All Right!
: Chicks are for fags!
: You found my treasure? Why didn't you tell me? Lloyd Christmas
: Three words: I did.
: What are you crazy boys doing in my tool shed? Lloyd Christmas
: We're not crazy, dad. We're special, and Principal Collins wants us to have our own special class room. Ray
] My boy's special! How about that!
: I knew you were different!
: Somebody chipped my tooth! Harry
: How do you think I feel? Somebody bit me in the forehead!
: You know, you're the first person I ever brought here, Harry. Harry Dunne
: Is this your special place? Lloyd Christmas
: No, I just usually eat in the crapper. Yeah. Saves time. Out with the old, in with the new.
[Harry is about to throw away Lloyd's chipped tooth
: No! Wait - save it for the Tooth Fairy. Harry
: I happen to know for a fact that my mother is the Tooth Fairy. Lloyd
: No way! Your mom's the Tooth Fairy? Harry
: Yeah, she flies around at night while I'm asleep. Lloyd
: Well nice to meet you. I'm Lloyd Christmas. Harry
: Well, I'll be. Here I am bragging about how my mom's the Tooth Fairy and you're dad's Santa Claus!
: There's gonna be chicks all over us. It's gonna be so faggy, I don't think I can stand it.
: You know, Honey... I think I've finally figured out a way to bilk this school out of enough money to get us that condo in Waikiki. Ms. Heller
: How, Sweet Baby? You've done it all. Principal Collins
: Small potatoes. This is the big one. This is visionary. This idea is genius.
[Ms. Heller giggles
] Principal Collins
: Look at this. The "Richard Moffitt Special Needs Grant". Ms. Heller
: Mm-hmm. Principal Collins
: This Moffitt guy used to be in a Special Needs program, & then he learns to string a couple of sentences together and now he's some big hotshot. Anyway, the State is giving 100 Grand in his name to every school that has a Special Needs Class. Ms. Heller
: This is fantastic! Principal Collins
: Mm-hmm. Ms. Heller
: All we have to do is *kill* this Moffitt guy, & we get all the money. Principal Collins
[Ms. Heller sighs
] Principal Collins
: No. What we need is to set up a *fake* Special Needs Class. Ms. Heller
: We start our own class. Principal Collins
: Problem is, where do we find kids... we can pass off as "Special"? Lloyd Christmas
: O.k., that's high enough! Thanks, Turk. Harry Dunne
: I'm flying! Woo-hoo! So this is what a flag sees all day. Lloyd Christmas
: Yeah. Harry Dunne
: And your friend Turk is totally great. Lloyd Christmas
: Yeah, he's Aces, huh?
[to Turk, below
] Lloyd Christmas
: Hey, thanks, Turk! We're so high!
] Principal Collins
[Turk comes up behind Lloyd and grabs him in a Head-Lock. Lloyd introduces him to Harry
: This is my Mohawk friend, Turk. He's part of the "Cool Crowd".
: Hey, Kimosabe! Turk
: Shut up, Ass-Face. Lloyd
: That's the Iroquois name he gave me for having the strong face of an ass.
: [Harry is covered in mud and hit by Jessica's dad's car
] Charlie! Jessica's Dad
: Oh, my God... it's you... you're the guy that crapped up my house! What are you... you're covered in *shit*! My car's covered in *shit*! Harry Dunne
: No, no, no, no... It's not that?
[gets off the hood and starts to walk off
] Jessica's Dad
: There's crap all over my hood! You got feces all over my mercedes! It's in my grill! My car's covered in shit! Lloyd
: Who's that? Harry Dunne
: That's Jessica's Dad. She says he's really anal. Lloyd
: [Winces, disgusted
] Ew... ugh, that's gross. Jessica's Dad
: [as they walk off, fading out
] Get back here! I'm not cleaning this up! I'm gonna have to have this towed! Are you out of your mind? What is it with you and *fecal* matter?
: So were you held back two years like Lloyd? Harry Dunne
: No, I was held back three. Lloyd Christmas
: By your mom?
[Lewis is getting his mascot's head taken off
: Aah. Harry Dunne
: Whoa! The half boy / half horse. Lloyd Christmas
: Oh! That's more of what we're looking for. Harry Dunne
: He's *super* special. Lewis
: Well... I mean, I got to get a job anyway. So if I - if I sign your thing, I can just come and go whenever I want to? Lloyd Christmas
: You were born free, and free you shall remain.
: Whoa! Look at Jessica, look at her milk bubbles, and her shorts are really short! Harry Dunne
: I know... Lloyd
: Yea, last time I wore shorts that short, I got beat up!