Lloyd Christmas
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Quotes for
Lloyd Christmas (Character)
from "Dumb and Dumber" (1995)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Lloyd Christmas: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry Dunne: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.

Harry Dunne: So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd Christmas: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Harry Dunne: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd Christmas: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry Dunne: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd Christmas: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.

Lloyd Christmas: All we need to do is show a little class, a little sophistication, and we're in like a dirty shirt.
Harry Dunne: No problem, Lloyd. We can be classy and sophistic... Oh, check out the funbags on that hosehound.
Lloyd Christmas: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.

Harry Dunne: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd Christmas: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Lloyd Christmas: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.

Harry Dunne: Hi, Lloyd.
Lloyd Christmas: Hi, Harry.
Harry Dunne: How was your day?
Lloyd Christmas: Not bad. Fell off the jet way again.

Harry Dunne: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.

Lloyd Christmas: Skis, huh?
Beth: That's right!
Lloyd Christmas: Great! They yours?
Beth: Uh-huh.
Lloyd Christmas: Both of 'em?
Beth: Yes.
Lloyd Christmas: Ah... cool!

Lloyd Christmas: We got no food, we got no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

[Harry and Lloyd are spending the evening in a romantic-themed motel]
Harry Dunne: I don't know, Lloyd. These places always seem to bring back a lot of bad memories.
Lloyd Christmas: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry Dunne: No, it was a girl.

Lloyd Christmas: Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy.

Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, Flo?
[Harry and Lloyd crack up]
Lloyd Christmas: Flo, like the TV show. Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?
Waitress #1: It's the Soup of the Day.
Lloyd Christmas: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.

Lloyd Christmas: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?
Bus Stop Beauty: Austria.
Lloyd Christmas: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Bus Stop Beauty: Let's not.

Lloyd Christmas: This isn't my real job, you know.
Mary Swanson: No?
Lloyd Christmas: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
Mary Swanson: That's nice.
Lloyd Christmas: I got worms!
Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?
Lloyd Christmas: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.

Lloyd Christmas: Suck me sideways.

Airport Clerk: Sir, you can't go in there!
Lloyd Christmas: It's ok, I'm a limo driver!

Lloyd Christmas: What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?
Mary Swanson: Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I mean, we don't really...
Lloyd Christmas: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary Swanson: Not good.
Lloyd Christmas: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary Swanson: I'd say more like one out of a million.
[pause]
Lloyd Christmas: So you're telling me there's a chance... YEAH!

Lloyd Christmas: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry Dunne: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd Christmas: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry Dunne: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.

Lloyd Christmas: So where are you headin'?
Mary Swanson: Aspen.
Lloyd Christmas: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!

Lloyd Christmas: I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!
Harry Dunne: No way!
Lloyd Christmas: I'll give you three to one odds.
Harry Dunne: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Five to one.
Harry Dunne: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Ten to one?
Harry Dunne: You're on!
Lloyd Christmas: I'm gonna get ya!
Harry Dunne: Nuh uh!
Lloyd Christmas: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.

[coming out of the 7-11]
Lloyd Christmas: Hey, guys. Whoa, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see you later.

Lloyd Christmas: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?
Mary Swanson: How'd you guess?
Lloyd Christmas: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.

Lloyd Christmas: They got the Monkees. They were a major influence on the Beatles.

[man and woman walk by]
Harry Dunne: Ooh, look at the buns on that one.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he must work out.

Lloyd Christmas: You're it.
Harry Dunne: You're it.
Lloyd Christmas: You're it, quitsies!
Harry Dunne: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd Christmas: You can't do that!
Harry Dunne: Can too!
Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, stamp it!
Harry Dunne: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.
Harry Dunne: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!
Lloyd Christmas: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Harry Dunne: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!

Mary Swanson: Okay, how do you guys know each other?
Lloyd Christmas: We used to be best friends.
Harry Dunne: Yeah, until he turned into a back-stabber.
Lloyd Christmas: Me, a back-stabber? You've got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!
Harry Dunne: Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?
Lloyd Christmas: What do you mean?
Harry Dunne: "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.
Lloyd Christmas: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry Dunne: You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd Christmas: Right on my ass after you kiss it!
Harry Dunne: You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, Mwah, Mwah!

Lloyd Christmas: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad.
Harry Dunne: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
Lloyd Christmas: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.

State Trooper: Pullover!
Harry Dunne: No, it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, killer boots man!

Harry Dunne: I can't believe it.
Lloyd Christmas: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.
Harry Dunne: But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words.
Lloyd Christmas: Not if you count the gurgling sound.

Lloyd Christmas: [sees framed newspaper article about moon landing] No, way! That's great.
[chuckles]
Lloyd Christmas: WE'VE LANDED ON THE MOON!

[while looking back at Mary]
Lloyd Christmas: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window]
Mary Swanson: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.

Harry Dunne: What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Lloyd Christmas: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry Dunne: Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]
Lloyd Christmas: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.

Lloyd Christmas: Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?

Beth: So I told myself. Beth you just got to run girl and oh you know what that clutz did next?
Lloyd Christmas: No and I DON'T CARE!

Lloyd Christmas: We don't usually pick up hitchhikers. But I'm-a gonna go with my instincts on this one. Saddle up, partner!

Lloyd Christmas: Mock
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Ing
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Bird
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah!
Harry Dunne: Yeah!

Lloyd Christmas: She actually talked to me.
Harry Dunne: Get outta here!

Lloyd Christmas: Some people just aren't cut out for life on the road.

Harry Dunne: Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg...
Lloyd Christmas: Okay, kill him!

Harry Dunne: What's in the briefcase?
Lloyd Christmas: Man, I would have to be a real lowlife to go rooting around in someone else's private property.
Harry Dunne: Is it locked?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. Really well.

Harry Dunne: Where's the booze?
Lloyd Christmas: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.
Harry Dunne: Oh, no, no.
Lloyd Christmas: Come on, Harry.
Harry Dunne: It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah?
Harry Dunne: He's dead.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened?
Harry Dunne: His head fell off.
Lloyd Christmas: His head fell off?
Harry Dunne: Yeah. He was pretty old.

Lloyd Christmas: I get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.

Lloyd Christmas: I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."

Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
Elderly Lady: Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
Lloyd Christmas: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly Lady: Of course.
Lloyd Christmas: Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me.

Lloyd Christmas: [after a confrontation with Sea Bass] You really wimped out, man.
Harry Dunne: What are you talking about, wimped out? Wha... Did you see? The guy hawked on my burger!

[first lines]
Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supposed to be giving a lecture in 20 minutes, and my driver's a bit lost.

Lloyd Christmas: [Opening the door on Nicholas Andre, who he thinks is a hotel employee] We have plenty of towels - thank you!

Harry Dunne: Weirdo.
Lloyd Christmas: Sucker of big, brown dirty eggs.
Harry Dunne: Moron.
Lloyd Christmas: Raider of the lost fart.
Harry Dunne: Buttfish.
Lloyd Christmas: Masterbatorio... er, soiler of towels.
Nicholas Andre: SHUT UP!

Lloyd Christmas: Husband? Wait a minute. What was all that "one in a million" talk?

Lloyd Christmas: [to Harry] How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.

Lloyd Christmas: [Harry is choking him barehanded on a picnic table in Aspen] Harry, your hands are freezing!

Harry Dunne: [shivering] Lloyd, I can't feel my fingers, they're numb!
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, well. Here, take this extra pair of gloves, my hands are starting to get a little sweaty.
Harry Dunne: Extra gloves? You've had extra gloves this whole time?
Lloyd Christmas: Uh, yeah, we are in the Rockies. Jeez!

Lloyd Christmas: [as he leaves a convenience store, Lloyd encounters two black guys] Hey, guys. Oh, Big Gulps, huh? All right... Well, see you later!

Harry Dunne: Where did you get those?
Lloyd Christmas: I bought them when we filled up.
Harry Dunne: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.
Lloyd Christmas: This didn't come out of our travel fund.
Harry Dunne: Oh.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Harry Dunne: Where did you get 25 extra becks?
Lloyd Christmas: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.
Harry Dunne: The blind kid?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, ha ha! Yeah.
Harry Dunne: What did you sell him Lloyd?
Lloyd Christmas: Stuff.
Harry Dunne: What kinda stuff?
Lloyd Christmas: I don't know, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,
[cough]
Lloyd Christmas: Petey.
Harry Dunne: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!
Lloyd Christmas: Harry, I took care of it...
[cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape]
Billy: Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?

Harry Dunne: What's with the briefcase?
Lloyd Christmas: It's a love memento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew. Emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man.
Harry Dunne: [flabbergasted] Get outta here.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah. Tractor beam.
Lloyd Christmas: [imitates beam noise]
Lloyd Christmas: Sucked me right in. Anyway, she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and outta my life.
Harry Dunne: What's in it?
Lloyd Christmas: Man. I would have to be a lowlife to go routin' around in somebody else's private property.
Harry Dunne: Is it locked?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, really well.

Harry Dunne: [a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out]
Bikini Girl: Hi, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition.
Harry Dunne: You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Bikini Girl: [baffled] Okay, thanks.
[the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry]
Lloyd Christmas: Do you realize what you've done?
[they run after the bus]
Lloyd Christmas: HEY! HEY!
Harry Dunne: Lloyd! Lloyd!
[the bus stops and opens the doors]
Lloyd Christmas: [panting] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.

Harry Dunne: Would you like an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentalino?
Joe Mentalino: Nah, you guys go ahead.
Harry Dunne: I'll do it if you will, Lloyd.
Lloyd Christmas: Okay. You go first.
Harry Dunne: No no. You go first.
Lloyd Christmas: You go first.
Harry Dunne: You go first! I always go first!
Lloyd Christmas: You go first!
Joe Mentalino: Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies and go at the same time, huh?
Lloyd Christmas: That sounds like a dare, Har.
Joe Mentalino: It's a *double* dare!
Harry Dunne: Yeah, okay. You're on!

Lloyd Christmas: I want to ask you a question... straight out, flat out... and I want you to give me an honest answer. What do you think the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?
Mary Swanson: Well Lloyd... that's difficult to say... you really don't...
Lloyd Christmas: Hit me! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary Swanson: Not good.
Lloyd Christmas: [Gulps] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary Swanson: I'd say more like... one out of a million.
Lloyd Christmas: So you're telling me there's a chance. Yeah!

Harry Dunne: I thought the Rocky Mountains would be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, that John Denver is full of shit, man.

Mary Swanson: This is incredible. You mean to say you drove 2000 miles, just for me?
Lloyd Christmas: I-I didn't really have a-a lot to do... and I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag.

Lloyd Christmas: You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter! Spilling the salt is very bad luck! We're driving across the country, the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder.
Harry Dunne: [Tosses the entire salt shaker over his shoulder]
Sea Bass: What the hell? Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?

Lloyd Christmas: Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase, my friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you.
Nicholas Andre: Open it up. Open it up!
Lloyd Christmas: [Motioning to Mary] Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says. Hurry.
Nicholas Andre: What is this? What is this? Where's all the money?
Lloyd Christmas: That's as good as money, sir. Those are I.O.U.'s. Go ahead and add it up, every cent's accounted for. Look, see this? That's a car. 275 thou. Might wanna hang onto that one.

Harry Dunne: That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius. I mean where did you come up with a scam like that?
Lloyd Christmas: Saw it in a movie once.
Harry Dunne: That's incredible! So what happened, so the guy tricks some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott free?
Lloyd Christmas: No, in the movie, they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat! Ha ha ha! It was a good one.

Lloyd Christmas: [after getting off the moped with Harry frozen to his back] Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh, Har?

Lloyd Christmas: [after Harry saves his life] Harry, you're alive. And a horrible shot!

Lloyd Christmas: [while telling Harry what to tell Mary about himself] Tell her I'm rich, and I'm good looking, and I have, uh, a rapist's wit.

State Trooper: [Harry is driving fast and a cop is behind him and Lloyd] Pull over!
Harry Dunne: What?
State Trooper: Pull over!
Harry Dunne: [realizes he's holding beer bottles that Lloyd urinated in; shows his sweater] No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticin'!
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, killer boots, man!
State Trooper: Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozin', have ya? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine?
Harry Dunne: No, sir.
Lloyd Christmas: No.
State Trooper: [points to the beer bottles] Yeah, well what's that?
Harry Dunne: That's nothing, sir.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, nothing.
State Trooper: Yeah, well are you aware that it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on, give me that booze, you little pumpkin pie, hair-cutted freak, come on!
[Harry complies; the cop prepares to drink it, not knowing that Lloyd peed in it]
Harry Dunne: Sir, no! Wait, wait, wait!
Lloyd Christmas: No, sir, don't!
State Trooper: You keep your mouth shut if you know it's good for ya, buddy!
[takes a swig, only to realize he just drank urine]
Lloyd Christmas: Tic-Tac, sir?
State Trooper: Get the hell out of here!
[on the verge of gagging]

Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, gunman. Who are you?
Nicholas Andre: Don't play dumb with me, asshole! I'm the rightful owner of the briefcase you've been carrying around!

Lloyd Christmas: This is the life... cold beer, a hot tub and paper-thin walls. There's only one thing that could make this moment any better.
Harry Dunne: What's that?
Lloyd Christmas: If you had a nice set of knockers.
Harry Dunne: That's two things, Lloyd.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not stacked, Harry, or I'd be banging you right now. I'd show you what a real man can do. Split you like an old piece of firewood. You'd probably like it too, you big homo.
Harry Dunne: Shut up.
Lloyd Christmas: Don't tell me to shut up, woman.

Lloyd Christmas: Mary Christmas. Mrs. Mary Christmas. Kinda catchy, huh, Harr?
Harry Dunne: Yeah yeah, that sounds nice. But, Lloyd, don't you think you might be jumping the gun a little bit? I mean, you know, who knows? You know, maybe, once you get to know her you'll find out that she's not your type.
Lloyd Christmas: [stern voice] Hey! Don't you ever say that again! She is the love of my life! The blood in my veins! We belong together till the mountains fall into the sea, till the heavens collide! Or until I get sick of her and need to move on. You hear me?
Harry Dunne: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Just calm down. Just calm down.

Joe Mentalino: Guys! Guys! Guys! Fellas... you think we could listen to the radio or something?
Lloyd Christmas: Radio? Who needs a radio? Ready, Harry?
[Lloyd and Harry start singing "Mockingbird"]

Joe Mentalino: So why are you guys going to Aspen? Vacation?
Lloyd Christmas: Why don't you eat up, and we'll tell ya.
Joe Mentalino: It just doesn't seem like you packed match. All I saw was one bag and a briefcase.
Harry Dunne: Well, no, no. The briefcase isn't even ours. Some lady left it at that airport. We're just bring it back to her. How's your burger?
Joe Mentalino: You mean, you don't even know her? I mean talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[Joe Mentalino is having an ulcer attack]
Lloyd Christmas: He's resisting me!
Harry Dunne: Here.
[puts some pills in Mentalino's mouth]
Harry Dunne: Here you go. Here you go. Here you go.
Lloyd Christmas: Pills! Pills are good! Pills are good!
Harry Dunne: Drink 'em down. There you go. There you go, big guy. You want some ketchup and mustard? That helped us.
[Mentalino sees the rat poison bottle]
Joe Mentalino: Son of a bitch!
[stomach gurgles and he dies]
Lloyd Christmas: Check, please.

Lloyd Christmas: Boy, this party really died.


Dumb and Dumber To (2014)
Harry Dunne: You're hot for my daughter.
Lloyd Christmas: What?
Lloyd Christmas: Am I right?
Harry Dunne: What?
Harry Dunne: Am I right?
Lloyd Christmas: That's insane!

[from trailer]
Harry Dunne: Come on, Lloyd. You gotta get over her. Mary Samsonite was just a girl.
[Lloyd mumbles]
Harry Dunne: That's it, kid. Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out.
Lloyd Christmas: GOT YOU!
Harry Dunne: Wait a minute. Do you mean you have been faking for 20 years?
Lloyd Christmas: Mm-hmm.
Harry Dunne: And it was all for a gag?
Lloyd Christmas: Yep.
Harry Dunne: That's... awesome!

[from trailer]
Lloyd Christmas: Why don't you roll me inside. We can get the nurse to get the catheter out of me.
Harry Dunne: We don't need nurses for that.
Lloyd Christmas: But don't you have to...
[Harry pulls on the catheter, yanks Lloyd off the wheelchair]

[from trailer]
Harry Dunne: That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley.
Lloyd Christmas: Why did you name him Butthole?
Harry Dunne: 'Cause of this.
[shows the cat's butthole]
Lloyd Christmas: Good name. Totally fits.

[from trailer]
Harry Dunne: Whoa, Lloyd. Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.
Lloyd Christmas: That's three hours away. Why can't I check 'em out now?

Harry Dunne: This is my associate, Dr. Christmas.
Dr. Lewis Meldman: Christmas, as in the holiday?
Lloyd Christmas: No, as in the tree.

Harry's Dad: We loved you, Harry.
Lloyd Christmas: They loved you long time.

Lloyd Christmas: Wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?
Harry Dunne: Sure.
[constantly rings the doorbell]
Harry Dunne: Yeah. That's pretty annoying.
Lloyd Christmas: No, not that.
Mrs. Stainer: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RINGING OUR DOORBELL LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
Lloyd Christmas: That.

Lloyd Christmas: Show us your tits!
Harry Dunne: Show us your tits!

Harry Dunne: How many days are in April?
Lloyd Christmas: 30 days have September, all the rest I can't remember
Harry Dunne: Must be 31 because nothing rhymes with August
Lloyd Christmas: Nah I think it's 32 Harry. April's a leap month

Harry Dunne: [Lloyd had just revealed he was faking being ill] Wait a minute! You mean you have been faking for 20 years and I have been coming for like a thousand weeks and it was all for a gag?
Lloyd Christmas: Uh huh!
Harry Dunne: That's... AWESOME!

Dr. Pinchelow: I know she will appreciate all the trouble you have come to find her. Let's call her.
[Hands over to Harry his cellphone]
Harry Dunne: It's ringing!
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd answers Penny's discarded cellphone] Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something very important here.
Harry Dunne: [Oblivious Lloyd is speaking] This is your Dad!
Lloyd Christmas: [to Penny's foster parents] Guys I know this is weird timing but I got to take this. It's my dead Dad!

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment] Who's the astronaut?
Harry Dunne: Oh that's my new room-mate.
Lloyd Christmas: [Shocked and slightly disappointed] Room-mate? You have a new room-mate?
Harry Dunne: Well you know I had to get someone to pay half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going Ice Pick?
Ice Pick: [Sarcastically] Best day ever. Best day of my life really.
Harry Dunne: Pick cooks up this rock candy that will make you dizzy. People have been coming all over the city to buy them.
Lloyd Christmas: It's burning my eyes! Must be Cajun style!

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd meets the now adult Billy 4C for the first time in 20 years] Hey Billy! I hear you got a lot of flocking birds!
Billy: Is that you Lloyd?
Lloyd Christmas: Very good. I didn't think you recognize me after all these years. So what you been up to buddy boy? Seen any good movies lately?
[Harry nudges him]
Lloyd Christmas: I mean you know like... on the radio?
Billy: [Lloyd feeds some of Billy's parrots candy] What was that? Did you just feed them something?
Lloyd Christmas: Relax. It's just a little bit of candy.
Billy: You can't feed candy to birds! They're stomachs will explode!
Lloyd Christmas: Even if it's just a few pop rocks?
Billy: Are you crazy? Pick those up! Pick them up!
Lloyd Christmas: Alright! Alright! Well nice catching up! See you later!
Billy: Not If I see you first!
Lloyd Christmas: Good one!
Billy: It's okay Siskel. Daddy's not going to let them near you.
Lloyd Christmas, Harry Dunne: [Together at once] BOOGA!
[the pair frighten Billy]

Lloyd Christmas: [Harry and Lloyd mistake Freida as her daughter] Suck me sideways!
Harry Dunne: You're the spitting image of her!
Fraida Felcher: You morons! This is the return address. Her's is on the on the side with the stamp.
Lloyd Christmas: But it's still uncanny!

Harry Dunne: Let me ask you something Freida. If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father then who's her father?
Fraida Felcher: Funny you should ask.
[to Penny]
Fraida Felcher: Honey how would uou like to meet some relatives?
[Points towards the Stainers]
Lloyd Christmas: Mr Stainer? I should have known. You horny old goat!
Fraida Felcher: No Lloyd. Mr Stainer is Penny's grandfather.
Harry Dunne: You mean Pee Stain's the dad?
Lloyd Christmas: Duh!

Harry Dunne: Mr Stainer, Mrs Stainer so nice to see you.
Mr. Stainer: Harry, Lloyd. To what do we the owe the honour at this late hour gentlemen?
Lloyd Christmas: We were just wondering if Pee Stain wanted to come out for some suds snd maybe having his ass handed to him in a couple of games of Dig Dug.
Mr. Stainer: Lloyd. Peter is dead.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah right. Since when?
Mr. Stainer: Since 1991. Remember?
Lloyd Christmas: The motorcycle accident? But I thought he pulled through. The obituary said he was survived by his parents.
Mr. Stainer: No he did mot pull through.
Lloyd Christmas: Are you sure?
Mr. Stainer: Yes.
[Shows the duo a poster of their late son]
Lloyd Christmas: You guys are right. Anyway sorry about that whole thing. Pee Stain and I were close friends.
Mr. Stainer: Yeah we know. You were the one who sold him the motorcycle.
Lloyd Christmas: And if I recall I made him a sweet deal. My bike for his helmet straight up. That thing was a rocket. A little squirrelly on the corners, and when you got on it straight away...
Mr. Stainer: Good night Lloyd. Good night Harry.

Harry Dunne: I wonder what it would have been like to raise a child.
[Harry daydreams of what life would have been like if he raised a daughter. First Harry teaches his toddler daughter how to do a stunt on her bike. Harry is then shown knocking one of his daughter's baby teeth out a few years later. We then see that Harry's now teenage daughter has had her first period]
Harry Dunne: .
Penny: [Harry's daughter now an adult goes on a date] Bye dad!
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd is acting retarded and is wearing a pink vest and two huge fan gloves] Mr Dunne! Mr Dunne!
[about to eat from a dustbin]
Lloyd Christmas: Do you mind?
Harry Dunne: Bon appite kid!


Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003)
Mrs. Dunne: Hey, fellas, it's getting kind of late. Come on.
Lloyd Christmas: Can I be on top?
Harry Dunne: Only if I can be on bottom.
Lloyd Christmas: All Right!

Lloyd Christmas: Chicks are for fags!

Harry: You found my treasure? Why didn't you tell me?
Lloyd Christmas: Three words: I did.

Ray: What are you crazy boys doing in my tool shed?
Lloyd Christmas: We're not crazy, dad. We're special, and Principal Collins wants us to have our own special class room.
Ray: [Happy] My boy's special! How about that!
[Hugs Lloyd]
Ray: I knew you were different!

Lloyd Christmas: Somebody chipped my tooth!
Harry: How do you think I feel? Somebody bit me in the forehead!

Lloyd Christmas: You know, you're the first person I ever brought here, Harry.
Harry Dunne: Is this your special place?
Lloyd Christmas: No, I just usually eat in the crapper. Yeah. Saves time. Out with the old, in with the new.

[Harry is about to throw away Lloyd's chipped tooth]
Lloyd: No! Wait - save it for the Tooth Fairy.
Harry: I happen to know for a fact that my mother is the Tooth Fairy.
Lloyd: No way! Your mom's the Tooth Fairy?
Harry: Yeah, she flies around at night while I'm asleep.
Lloyd: Well nice to meet you. I'm Lloyd Christmas.
Harry: Well, I'll be. Here I am bragging about how my mom's the Tooth Fairy and you're dad's Santa Claus!

Lloyd Christmas: There's gonna be chicks all over us. It's gonna be so faggy, I don't think I can stand it.

Principal Collins: You know, Honey... I think I've finally figured out a way to bilk this school out of enough money to get us that condo in Waikiki.
Ms. Heller: How, Sweet Baby? You've done it all.
Principal Collins: Small potatoes. This is the big one. This is visionary. This idea is genius.
[Ms. Heller giggles]
Principal Collins: Look at this. The "Richard Moffitt Special Needs Grant".
Ms. Heller: Mm-hmm.
Principal Collins: This Moffitt guy used to be in a Special Needs program, & then he learns to string a couple of sentences together and now he's some big hotshot. Anyway, the State is giving 100 Grand in his name to every school that has a Special Needs Class.
Ms. Heller: This is fantastic!
Principal Collins: Mm-hmm.
Ms. Heller: All we have to do is *kill* this Moffitt guy, & we get all the money.
Principal Collins: No.
[Ms. Heller sighs]
Principal Collins: No. What we need is to set up a *fake* Special Needs Class.
Ms. Heller: We start our own class.
Principal Collins: Problem is, where do we find kids... we can pass off as "Special"?
Lloyd Christmas: O.k., that's high enough! Thanks, Turk.
Harry Dunne: I'm flying! Woo-hoo! So this is what a flag sees all day.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah.
Harry Dunne: And your friend Turk is totally great.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he's Aces, huh?
[to Turk, below]
Lloyd Christmas: Hey, thanks, Turk! We're so high!
[Turk laughs]
Principal Collins: Bingo.

[Turk comes up behind Lloyd and grabs him in a Head-Lock. Lloyd introduces him to Harry]
Lloyd: This is my Mohawk friend, Turk. He's part of the "Cool Crowd".
[to Turk]
Lloyd: Hey, Kimosabe!
Turk: Shut up, Ass-Face.
Lloyd: That's the Iroquois name he gave me for having the strong face of an ass.

Harry Dunne: [Harry is covered in mud and hit by Jessica's dad's car] Charlie!
Jessica's Dad: Oh, my God... it's you... you're the guy that crapped up my house! What are you... you're covered in *shit*! My car's covered in *shit*!
Harry Dunne: No, no, no, no... It's not that?
[gets off the hood and starts to walk off]
Jessica's Dad: There's crap all over my hood! You got feces all over my mercedes! It's in my grill! My car's covered in shit!
Lloyd: Who's that?
Harry Dunne: That's Jessica's Dad. She says he's really anal.
Lloyd: [Winces, disgusted] Ew... ugh, that's gross.
Jessica's Dad: [as they walk off, fading out] Get back here! I'm not cleaning this up! I'm gonna have to have this towed! Are you out of your mind? What is it with you and *fecal* matter?
[Fade out]

Turk: So were you held back two years like Lloyd?
Harry Dunne: No, I was held back three.
Lloyd Christmas: By your mom?

[Lewis is getting his mascot's head taken off]
Lewis: Aah.
Harry Dunne: Whoa! The half boy / half horse.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh! That's more of what we're looking for.
Harry Dunne: He's *super* special.
Lewis: Well... I mean, I got to get a job anyway. So if I - if I sign your thing, I can just come and go whenever I want to?
Lloyd Christmas: You were born free, and free you shall remain.

Lloyd: Whoa! Look at Jessica, look at her milk bubbles, and her shorts are really short!
Harry Dunne: I know...
Lloyd: Yea, last time I wore shorts that short, I got beat up!