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: Mauser, you're the most incredible ass-kisser I have ever seen. Lt. Mauser
: Thank you very much, sir. I do my best.
: It's official, Captain Lassard. This is now the worst precinct in the entire city! Burglary up 25%, armed robbery up 30%, vandalism up 44%. Lt. Mauser
: Actually, Chief, if you'd look, burglary is actually up 48%. Chief Hurst
: Thank you. Who are you? Lt. Mauser
: Mauser, sir. M as in man A-U, S as in Sam. Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard
: Oh, shut up and sit down, Mauser. He asked for your name, not your biography. Lt. Mauser
: E-R, sir.
: [Lamenting the newly relaxed admission requirements for the Academy
] They all used to be the right color, the right height, the right weight. And they all had Johnsons, Lassard! Cmndt. Eric Lassard
: Johnsons? Chief Hurnst
: You know...
[motions to his groin
] Cmndt. Eric Lassard
: Oh, yes. Chief Hurnst
: There were Johnsons as far as the eye can see. Cmndt. Eric Lassard
: Yes. And what a lovely sight it was.