Santa Claus
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Quotes for
Santa Claus (Character)
from Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

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Rise of the Guardians (2012)
[from trailer]
North: We go by many names, and take many forms. We bring wonder and hope, we bring joy and dreams. We are the Sandman and the Tooth Fairy, we are the Easter Bunny, and Santa. And our powers are greater than you ever imagine...

[from trailer]
North: It is our job to protect the children of the world. For as long as they believe in us, we will guard them with our lives...

[from trailer]
North: We have never faced a greater threat. And so, we will fight.

[from trailer]
North: Everyone, to the sleigh! Buckle up!
Bunnymund: Where are the bloody seat belts?
North: [laughs] That was just expression!

[from trailer]
North: Everyone loves the sleigh...

[from trailer]
Jack Frost: Am I on the Naughty List?
North: Naughty List, you hold record.

[from trailer]
North: Sandy? Sandy?
[slaps the dozing Sandman awake]

[as he falls down a rabbit hole]
North: Shostakovich!

North: Merry Christmas!
Bunnymund: Happy Easter!
Tooth: And don't forget to floss!

[while North is touring Jack around his home]
Jack Frost: Slow down would you, I've been trying to bust in here for years. I want a good look!
North: What do you mean 'bust in'?
Jack Frost: Don't worry, I never got past the yetis. Oh, hey Phil.
[Greets Yeti]

Tooth: [as a new Guardian is being chosen by the Man in the Moon]
Tooth: I wonder who it's gonna be!
Sandy: [Sandy depicts a four-leaf clover over his head suggesting the Leprechaun]
Tooth: Maybe the Leprechaun?
Bunnymund: Please not the Ground Hog, please not the Ground Hog...
North: [the Guardian's image comes into focus] Jack Frost?
Bunnymund: I take it back, the Ground Hog's fine!

North: Who are you, Jack Frost? What is your center?
Jack Frost: My center?
North: If Man in Moon chose you to be a Guardian, you must have something very special inside.

North: We are very busy bringing joy to children, we don't have time...
[Sophie chases butterfly while giggling]
North: ... for children.

Bunnymund: [to Jack's collection of teeth] You call that a bag of choppers?
[holds up a larger sack]
Bunnymund: Now that's a bag of choppers!
North: Gentlemen, gentlemen. This is about Tooth, it's not the competition, but if it was...
[Pulls out a huge sack of teeth]
North: I win! YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAW!
North: [Jamie awakened shines a flashlight on North] Oh no!
Jamie Bennett: Santa Clause? The Easter Bunny? Sandman? The Tooth Fairy! I knew you'd come!
Tooth: Surprise! We came!
[laughs]
Jack Frost: He can see us?
Bunnymund: Most of us.
[Jack is unseen by Jamie]

North: Leaving the party so soon?
Tooth: You didn't even say goodbye.
[Tooth flips a coin to Pitch. Pitch catches it]
Pitch: A quarter?
[Tooth hits Pitch in the mouth, knocking out one of his teeth]
Tooth: That was for my fairies.

[zooming down the launch tube and turning upside down]
North: [glances over his shoulder with a laugh] I hope you like the loop-the-loop!
Bunnymund: [frowns, queasy] I hope you like carrots.

North: But at my center...
Jack Frost: ...there's a tiny wooden baby.

Pitch: YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME! Not forever. There will ALWAYS be fear.
North: So what? As long as ONE child believes, we will be here to fight fear.
Pitch: Oh, really? Then what are THEY doing here?
[nightmares surround guardians and Pitch]
North: Ha ha, they can't be MY nightmares. I'm not afraid.
Jack Frost: Looks like it's YOUR fear they smell.

Jack Frost: I told you I'm not going with you guys. There is no way I'm climbing into some rickety, old... sleigh...
Jack Frost: [sees North's impressive sleigh] Okay. One ride, but that's it.
North: Everyone loves the sleigh.

North: [Jack has just arrived at the North Pole] I hope the Yetis treated you well.
Jack Frost: [sarcastically] Yeah, I love being shoved in a sack and tossed through a magic portal!
North: Oh, good. That was my idea!

North: [cracks knuckles] Now we are getting down to tacks of brass.

Bunnymund: Crikey! Somebody do something.
Jack Frost: Oh, don't look at me. I'm invisible, remember?
Tooth: Don't worry, Bunny. I bet she's a fairy fan. It's okay, little one.
Sophie Bennett: Pretty.
Tooth: Oh! You know, what? I've got something for you! Here it is! Look at all the pretty teeth, with little blood and gum on them!
Sophie Bennett: [wailing]
Jack Frost: Blood and gums? When was the last time you guys actually hung out with kids?
North: We are very busy bringing joy to children. We don't have time... for children.


The Santa Clause 2 (2002)
Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: I have to get married?
Bernard: Yes. It's the Mrs. Clause.

Toy Santa: You are a sad, strange little man!

Toy Santa: The town will break our fall.

Principal Carol Newman: Well, maybe if you spent more time with your son, there would be fewer problems.
Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Maybe, but then I wouldn't get to spend more time with you. It's always such a pleasure.
Principal Carol Newman: Oh, a battle of wits. It's a shame that you come unarmed.

Toy Santa: [after drinking hot cocoa] I think Santa feels a little buzz!

Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Hey party animal, you wanna play?
Principal Carol Newman: [wondering how toys like Toss Across have magically appeared] I just can't figure it out.
Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: It's tic-tac-toe with beanbags.
Principal Carol Newman: No, I mean the Secret Santa thing. Someone tracked down and bought all those wonderful antique toys.
Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Probably someone that knows his way around eBay.

Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Why didn't Bernard come tell me this?
Curtis, the Experimental Elf: He's under house arrest!
Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: [shocked] Bernard?

Principal Carol Newman: I owe you one.
Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: It's a great party. Look. That guy moved.

Bernard: OK, Chet. This is it. You ready to rock and roll?
Principal Carol Newman: Chet?
Bernard: Yeah. He's still in training.
Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: How much flight time has he had?
Bernard: About a minute and a half.
Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Yeah but he's had a lotta crash time.
Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Curtis.
Curtis, the Experimental Elf: He's just a baby.

Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Hey Cupid, why don't you shoot me with one of your darts and then I'll fall in love?
Cupid: First of all, they're not darts, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.
Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Why not?
Cupid: Because they have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would've shot myself in the butt, met a nice girl, left business years ago.

Abby: It's... Charlie.
Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: [Obliviously] Sheen? I thought he straightened out?


Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
Doris: Would you please tell her that you're not really Santa Claus, that actually is no such person?
Kris Kringle: Well, I hate to disagree with you, but not only IS there such a person, but here I am to prove it.

District Attorney: What is your name?
Kris Kringle: Kris Kringle.
District Attorney: Where do you live?
Kris Kringle: That's what this hearing will decide.
Judge Henry X. Harper: A very sound answer, Mister Kringle.
District Attorney: Do you really believe that you're Santa Claus?
Kris Kringle: Of course.
District Attorney: [long pause] The state rests, your honor.

Kris Kringle: You see, Mrs. Walker, this is quite an opportunity for me. For the past 50 years or so I've been getting more and more worried about Christmas. Seems we're all so busy trying to beat the other fellow in making things go faster and look shinier and cost less that Christmas and I are sort of getting lost in the shuffle.

Kris Kringle: You know what the imagination is?
Susan Walker: Oh, sure. That's when you see things, but they're not really there.
Kris Kringle: Well, that can be caused by other things, too.

Fred Gailey: All my life I've wondered something, and now's my chance to find out. I'm going to find the answer to a question that's puzzled the world for centuries. Does Santa Claus sleep with his whiskers outside or in?
Kris Kringle: Always sleep with them out. Cold air makes them grow.

Kris Kringle: Now wait a minute, Susie. Just because every child can't get his wish that doesn't mean there isn't a Santa Claus.

Kris Kringle: No, but don't you see, dear? Some children wish for things they couldn't possibly use like real locomotives or B-29s.

Kris Kringle: Oh, Christmas isn't just a day, it's a frame of mind... and that's what's been changing. That's why I'm glad I'm here, maybe I can do something about it.

Kris Kringle: To market, to market, to buy a fat pig! Home again, home again, jiggety-jig. To market, to market, to buy a fat hog! Home again, home again, jiggety-...

Kris Kringle: If that's normal, I don't want it!

Kris Kringle: [smells other Santa's breath] You've been drinking.
Drunken Santa Claus: Well, it's cold outside. A man's gotta do something to keep warm.


Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) (TV)
Mrs. Claus: Eat, Papa, eat.
Santa Claus: How can I eat? That silly elf song is driving me crazy.
Mrs. Claus: You're going to disappoint the children. They expect a fat Santa.

Santa Claus: From what I see now, that will cut through the murkiest storm they can dish up. What I'm trying to say is, Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Rudolph: It would be an honor, sir.

Santa Claus: Great bouncing icebergs.
Donner: Ah, I'm sure it'll stop as soon as he grows up, Santa.
Santa Claus: Well, let's hope so, if he wants to make the sleigh team someday.
[to Rudolph]
Santa Claus: You see, little fellow, every year I shine up my jingle bells for eight lucky reindeer.

Santa Claus: [singing] Jingle, jingle, jingle / You will hear my sleigh bells ring / I am old Kris Kringle / I'm the king of jing-a-ling.

Mrs. Claus: Papa, you haven't touched a morsel. I'll have to take this suit in. Eat!
Santa Claus: I'm busy, Mama. It's almost Christmas.
Mrs. Claus: Whoever heard of a skinny Santa? Eat. Eat!

Santa Claus: Rudolph, I promise. As soon as this storm lets up, I'll find homes for all those misfit toys.

Santa Claus: I've got some bad news, folks. Christmas is going to be cancelled.

Santa Claus: Donner, you should be ashamed of yourself. What a pity. He had a nice takeoff, too.

Santa Claus: [after "We are Santa's Elves"] Well, it needs work. I have to go.
[leaves the room]
Mrs. Claus: [to the Head Elf] What does Papa know? It's beautiful! You keep it just the way it was.
[going after Santa]
Mrs. Claus: Papa? Papa!

Head Elf: All up for elf practice!
Santa Claus: Well, let's get this over with. I have to go down and look over the new deer.
Head Elf: [in a different voice] Okay, Santa.
[to the elves]
Head Elf: Now let's try out the new elf song I wrote. And remember, it's for Santa.
[starts conducting]
Head Elf: And a one-a, and a two-a, and a three-a!

Santa Claus: [examining the weather report that one of the elves gave him] Well, this is it. The storm won't subside by tonight. We - we'll have to cancel Christmas.
Mrs. Claus: [sympathetically] Papa, are you sure?
Santa Claus: [crushed] Everything's grounded. Aw, the poor kids, they've been so good this year, too. But I couldn't chance it. I'll have to tell everybody that it's all off this year.


Santa's Slay (2005)
Santa Claus: I'm Santa Claus, not fuckin' Dracula!

Santa Claus: Looks like Grandpa got run over by a reindeer.

Santa Claus: [while reading a copy of the book 'A Christmas Carol' in the school library] Boy, Christmas can sure scare the Dickens out of people.

Virginia Mason: Santa?
[laughs nervously]
Santa Claus: Yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus!

Nicholas Yuleson: The clock just struck midnight at the pole. Christmas is officially over for you, Santa!
Santa Claus: You know, most people make the same mistake. The correct time at the pole is completely discretionary, because the poles are where all the time zones actually converge.
Mary "Mac" Mackenzie: He's scary, yet educational.

[entering the strip club]
Santa Claus: Ho, ho...
[oogles topless waitress as she walks past him]
Santa Claus: [lustily] HOES...

Santa Claus: [smirking while he's reading his list] Who's next?

Santa Claus: Christmas is over when I say it's over!

Santa Claus: I see you have met my helldeer
Pastor Timmons: What in god's name are you doing?
Santa Claus: Why I'm just trying to spread a little yuletide FEAR!

Pastor Timmons: Honey I had the most terrible nightmare.
Santa Claus: Visions of sugarplums?
[Santa hits Pastor over the head with a mallet]


Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
Ernest P. Worell: [gesturing to Santa's sack] You better check it out.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Why?
Ernest P. Worell: Call it... Uh, a fifth sense. Call it a flash of intermission, but I just got this feeling deep down in the heart of my bottom.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': This is Ernest. I'm Santa Claus.
[odd silence]
Ernest P. Worell: Surprised?
Harmony Star: Uh, no. No, not - not really.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Joe... search your heart. There must be something there to convince you of the truth.
Joe Curruthers: In a way, I wish there was... but I haven't seen anything yet.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': [after Ernest has just finished driving suicidally on the freeway and busted a window to rescue one] I take it you really needed a tree?

Harmony Star: [returning Santa's stolen toy sack, crying] I'm sorry.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Welcome back, Pamela.
[hugs her]
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': I never doubted you would do the right thing.
Harmony Star: Really?
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Well... maybe just a little doubt.
Harmony Star: [laughs] I just started thinking... about you, and Ernest... and just a whole lot of things... and I really got things figured out. I even called my mom.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': She must have been worried about you.
Harmony Star: Yeah... especially after I told her who I was with.
[Santa laughs]

Harmony Star: [it starts to snow, in spite of the tropical climate] What's going on?
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': CHRISTMAS is going on!

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Trust people. It pays off more often that you think.

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': I don't think I quite have the magic for another season.
Businessman: I think that every time they send me to Cleveland.

Ernest P. Worell: [after getting out of the taxi] That'll be $32.50.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': Here you go.
Ernest P. Worell: [notices the money] Hey, uh, this ain't real.
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': What?
Ernest P. Worell: This money carries the likeness of one...
Ernest P. Worell: [with funny faces] "Mr. Funtime".

Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': The name is Santa Claus!


Arthur Christmas (2011)
Santa: [in front of the enraptured elves who start cheering] MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Tonight we delivered Two Billion presents, on this my 70th Mission!
[Steve taps the microphone to make sure it is working]
Santa: Oh Thank you! Didn't I just think that sometimes I could not possibly do it all without you! And my splendid Margaret,
[Camera points to Margaret]
Santa: who stood by me for all these years, being very able doing all that stuff that women do while their husbands are at work, and Arthur doing all that vital work in Maintenance!
Arthur: I work in letters, dad!
Santa: Oh! Letters, Of course, I'm so so sorry!
Arthur: You moved me when I melted down that elf plug!
Santa: Yes! Now! Many years ago, my Father told me
[Camera points to Grandsanta, He grunts and snores]
Santa: that being Santa is the best job in the world! He was right! I Loved It! I can't wait for year 71!
Santa: [the elves start cheering] Merry Christmas Everyone!

Arthur: [after seeing that the Gift 47785BXK for Gwen Hines was Undelivered] A Child has been missed!
Steve: Not Necessarily!
Arthur: [the Digital L.E.D display above the mainframe computer in Mission Control that displays the number of presents lights up and shows 0000000001 in red] A Child has been missed!
Steve: Do you really want to wake up the whole north pole?
Arthur: Good Idea!
[Yelling]
Arthur: A CHILD HAS BEEN MISSED!
Steve: ARTHUR!
Santa: [Overhearing the commotion in mission control, opens the doors and walks onto the main concourse] Is everything alright?
Steve: There has been a glitch!
Arthur: [Showing Santa the missing present] A Glitch? We have missed a child!
Santa: Really? Oh dear! Oh Dear! That is awful, How did you let it happen, Steve?
Steve: How did I...? I thought it was your mission!
Santa: This is your department!
Arthur: What are we going to do?
Santa: We must... um... What must we do, Steve?
Steve: There is nothing to do! The mission was successful!
Arthur: But we cannot leave a child out of Christmas?
Steve: [Checking out details on the computer of the destination and the time of sunrise] Sunrise at destination is 7:39 AM! There is no way to get there on time, except, of course for the S-1!
Santa: The S-1? Right then, let's do it!
Steve: No! That is not a good idea! The S-1 has already traveled some Seven Million miles! We could damage it!
Santa: Oh Dear!
Steve: Not only that, but we could also risk the lives of the elves
Santa: Oh Deary me!

Arthur: [Opening a Christmas cracker, having Christmas dinner with the family round at the dinner table at the North Pole's Residential Quarters] What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?... Tinselitis!
[laughs hysterically]
Arthur: Isn't this the best bit of Christmas?
Mrs. Santa: It certainly is, Arthur! The whole family together!
Mrs. Santa: [to Santa] How about a toast, Malcolm?
Santa: Oh... mmm... , Well, here's to me, to an even better job next year!
[Everybody cheers]
Arthur: You're already the perfect dad!
Grandsanta: Hah! That turkey did more than him!
[Starts laughing and looses his false teeth, they land in gravy]
Santa: You wouldn't understand, Father! I've rather moved things on since your day, Hey Steve?
Grandsanta: [Gets his false teeth back and continues eating his meal] Forget Techno Tommy, he's texting on his calculator after every job
[laughs]
Steve: [Clearing out his inbox on his HO-HO] It's a Hand-held Operational and Homing Organizer, The HO-HO 3000!
Grandsanta: Whooooh! Whoopy-doo! Aren't you the Fancy Nancy! Doesn't matter what you come up with, Son, you maybe be the next in line, but you'll never get to be Santa unless you 'Knock Him Off'
Arthur: Hummm! I've got you all a present! After all the hard work, I wanted everyone to have some 'Christmas Fun'
Arthur: [Shows everyone the Game, 'Christmas, The Board Game] Ta-Daah!

Steve: [Steve gets back onto the S-1 after having a fight with Spanish Pedro in Trelew, Mexico over the bicycle] OK! OK! I'm not very good with children! Does that make me a Bad Santa?
Steve: [Faces Santa and keys in 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew into the S-1's GPS to see it it would come up with a list] You're hardly Perfect! Let me Guess! You put in the address, saw a List of Trelews, and just clicked on the First one? Just like Arthur?
Santa: [Looks at Steve] Am I?
S-1 Computer: [the Phone on the S-1's Bridge rings] North Pole Incoming!
Elf: [Steve, Santa & Mrs Santa look at the S-1's Videophone and see Arthur cycling across Trelew, England getting to Gwen's on her Twinkle Bike] Sir! The Soldiers have just shot the sleigh! But look! It's Arthur! He's still going!
Santa: Arthur?

Santa: [trying to operate the S-1 himself, denting it and jolting it violently, Flashing red lights flash all over the S-1's bridge] OK! 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew
Mrs. Santa: [Reading the manual] Reading up! There is no harm in using the manual
Santa: [Agitated, pressing buttons, levers and knobs all over the bridge causing the S-1 to rock and sway violently] Margaret! I Order you to DISEMBARK! It's not safe!
Mrs. Santa: [Trying to calm Santa] I did a microlight flying course on the internet! It can't be that different!
Santa: [Steve appears at the doors to the bridge] Oh! Steve!
Steve: [Santa accidentally leans on a lever and the S-1 jolts more violently] You've DENTED IT! You've taken it out without asking!
Mrs. Santa: [stabilizes the S-1] Malcolm, you told me he knew! You know how Steve feels about his S-1
Santa: [presses more buttons and levers causing it to rock and sway even more violently] It's MY S-1! S for Santa, I'm flying to this child!
Steve: Of course, she is all that matters, not me! Your SON! Not the Two Billion things I didn't write tonight! NOOOoooo!
Santa: This is about the pool table isn't it! I told you that you should have written to me!
Steve: [shouting] I was eight years old! You're my dad!
Mrs. Santa: [shouting] For Goodness sake!
Mrs. Santa: [slams her cup down on the controls] Arthur & Grandsanta are out there probably not wearing nearly enough layers of clothing and you two are bickering over a big red toy!
Santa: I'm... I'm not bickering! If Steven should just Stand back!
[Activates the airbag]
S-1 Computer: [Airbag inflates] Airbag!
Santa: You drive, Steven? Thank you!
Steve: [puts on his S-1 gloves, fires up in the S-1] So! Since gift delivery to child 47785BXK is all that seems to matter, I'll do it all myself, and we'll pick up Arthur and Grandsanta from whatever ditch they've ended up in.
S-1 Computer: [Steve pulls the main lever on the S-1 to go at full throttle] Maximum Velocity!
Steve: Hold on Tight!

Santa: Margaret! Hand me my 'Me' Suit! All sorted! Steve is holding the fort, While I deliver the present! And find Arthur and Father!
Mrs. Santa: [Hands Santa his red & white suit, he puts it on] Well done, dear! Trelew is on course for 187.7 degrees from the geographic pole
[hands Santa his boots]
Mrs. Santa: As it is the 'old sleigh' we should allow drift margin for one thousand miles outside the Greenwich meridian! I've got a sweater for Arthur, your Father's pills and some sweet tea!
Santa: [Puts on his boots] Okay! Let's do it!

Santa: [Santa drops from the S-1 and lands on a roof] Ho-Ho-Ho!

Santa: [Santa, Mrs Santa & Steve have arrived in Trelew on the S-1] Trelew! Out with the Old, In with the New!
Mrs. Santa: [Holding Santa's Hand] Well Done, Dear!
Santa: [Back on the Bridge of the S-1 as Steve has gone to give Gwen what we believe to be another version of the bike] Poor Arthur! He tried so hard! He slumped again!
Mrs. Santa: Off course not, Dear! We are here! The little girl will get her present! I think he has done rather Splendidly!
Santa: [Exclaiming] My Margaret!
Steve: [Rings the doorbell, the door opens and a child that looks just like Gwen appears] Good morning Gwen! Ho Ho Ho etc. Apologies for the minor delay, I am sure that even a child can understand that in a operation as complex as Christmas there is always a slightly insignificant margin of error, which is you! As a gesture, I have upgraded you to the
[Reveals the big purple hi-tech bicycle]
Steve: Glamour Fast Ultra X3, which retails at $9.99 more than your requested gift! Bigger and Better! You wouldn't mind just signing a legal waver?
Pedro: [the child appears to be a boy] No bien el señor! Soy Pedro!
Steve: What? P-Pedro? A Boy? A Spanish Boy? This is an error! No Hablo Espanol!
[Snatches the bike off Pedro]
Steve: [Pedro and Steve start fighting, Pedro starts crying] Look! Will you...? No! No! No! Please don't cry! Please don't cry! No sobbing


Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (1970) (TV)
Kris Kringle: You better watch out, better not cry, better not pout.
Children: Why?
Kris Kringle: I'm telling you why!
Children: Yeah?
Kris Kringle: 'Cause I came to town.

Jessica: If the Burgermeister saw you, we would all be in real danger!
Kris Kringle: In danger from toys?

Burgermeister Meisterburger: Stop! In the name of the law! You brats are under arrest! Take them away.
Kris Kringle: Don't arrest those children. It was my fault. I gave them the toys.
Burgermeister Meisterburger: You? How dare you! You are obviously a nonconformist and a rebel!
Kris Kringle: Me? Rebel?
Burgermeister Meisterburger: Arrest this man immediately!
Kris Kringle: [pulls out a toy] For you.
Burgermeister Meisterburger: [sputters] A yo-yo? I love yo-yos! I used to be able to do all kinds of tricks! Ooh wheeeeeeeeee! Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
[plays with the yo-yo]
Grimsby: Excuse me, sir. But you're breaking your own laws.
Burgermeister Meisterburger: What? What do you think?
[gasps and chokes]
Burgermeister Meisterburger: Ooohh, I have been bamboozled! Arrest him! Arrest him!

Kris Kringle: Watch out for that dolly. She's a hardened criminal, I hear.

Kris Kringle: Changing from bad to good's as easy as taking your first step.

Kris Kringle: Look, uh, before you do me in, would you tell your tree friends to let me loose for a second? You see, I have something for you.
Winter: What is this? A trick?
Kris Kringle: Oh, no sir, Mr. Warlock. Or, may I call you Winter?
Winter: Mr. Warlock if you please!
Kris Kringle: Oh. Well, I managed to save one little toy and I'd like you to have it.
Winter: You wish to give me... a present? A... a toy?
Kris Kringle: Yes, sir.
Winter: But, no one ever gives mean old Warlock a toy.

Kris Kringle: Come on. There's a lot more chimneys to explore tonight!

Narrator: Kris made a list of all the children and the toys they wanted. He checked it over once, then checked it over twice. He tried to figure out just who was naughty and who was nice.
Kris Kringle: Well, I guess they're all pretty nice.


Miracle on 34th Street (1994)
[first lines]
Grandson: Ask him. Ask him. Look at him, Grandpa. Ask him.
Judge Henry Harper: Uh, I'm sorry. He, uh he thinks you're Santa Claus.
[Kris Kringle and Judge Harper laugh]
Kris Kringle: [quietly to Harper's grandson] I am.
[to Harper]
Kris Kringle: Merry Christmas.

Dorey Walker: Would you be our Santa Claus?
Kris Kringle: Uh, me?
Dorey Walker: Well, do you have any experience?
Kris Kringle: Well just a little.

Kris Kringle: You think I'm a fraud, don't you?
Dorey Walker: Fraud is a bit too strong of a word.
Kris Kringle: But you don't believe in me.
Dorey Walker: I believe that Christmas is for children.
Kris Kringle: Well your daughter doesn't believe in me, either.
Dorey Walker: I don't think that there's any harm in not believing in a figure that many do acknowledge to be a fiction.
Kris Kringle: Oh, but there is. I'm not just a whimsical figure who wears a charming suit and affects a jolly demeanor. You know, I I I'm a symbol. I'm a symbol of the human ability to be able to suppress the selfish and hateful tendencies that rule the major part of our lives. If you can't believe, if you can't accept anything on faith, then you're doomed for a life dominated by doubt.

Kris Kringle: Well, I would greatly like to oblige, Mr. Collins, but I cannot make this reindeer fly.
Ed Collins: I didn't think so.
Kris Kringle: He only flies on Christmas Eve.

Kris Kringle: Mr. Collins, I hope you've taken down that old TV antenna. I ripped my pants on it last year.

Kris Kringle: Hi Judge, how is the grandson of yours?
[Harper gets shocked]
Kris Kringle: The parade? He thought I looked like Santa Claus.
Judge Henry Harper: Oh yeah.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Kris Kringle: Yes, but don't I put my hand on a Bible?
Bailiff: No, sir, you don't.
Kris Kringle: Well, I'll put my hand on my heart instead. I do.


The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
[first lines]
Santa: 'Twas a long time ago, longer now than it seems in a place perhaps you've seen in your dreams. For the story you're about to be told began with the holiday worlds of auld. Now you've probably wondered where holidays come from. If you haven't I'd say it's time you begun.

Santa: [from in the bag] Me on vacation? On Christmas Eve?
Barrel: Where are we taking him?
Shock: Where?
Lock: To Oogie Boogie, of course. There's no where in the whole world more comfortable than *that*. And Jack *said* to make him comfortable, didn't he?
Barrel, Shock: Yes, he did.

Santa: Haven't you heard of peace on earth and goodwill toward men?
Lock, Shock, Barrel: NO!

Santa: [singing] Release me now or you'll have to face the dire consequences. / The children are expecting me, so please come to your senses.
Oogie Boogie Man: [singing] You're jokin', you're jokin'! / I can't believe my ears! / Would someone shut this fella up? / I'm drownin' in my tears! / It's funny, I'm laughing! / You really are too much. / And now, with your permission, / I'm going to do my stuff.
[snake dangles from his mouth]
Santa: [fearfully] What are you going to do?
Oogie Boogie Man: I'm gonna do the best I can!

Santa: Release me fast or you will have to answer for this heinous act.

Jack Skellington: Forgive me, Mr. Claus. I'm afraid I've made a terrible mess of your holiday.
Santa: Bumpy *sleigh*-ride... Jack. Next time you get the urge to take over someone else's holiday, I'd listen to *her*.
[points to Sally]
Santa: She's the only one who makes any sense around this insane asylum!
[walks away, muttering]
Santa: Skeletons, boogie men...
Jack Skellington: I hope there's still time.
Santa: To fix Christmas? Of course there is! I'm Santa Claus!
[flies out chimney]

Sally: [examining Jack in his newly-finished Santa suit] You don't look like yourself, Jack. Not at all.
Jack Skellington: Isn't that wonderful? It couldn't be more wonderful!
Sally: [holds up the clipboard sketch of him] But you're the Pumpkin King!
Jack Skellington: Not anymore!
[breks it over his knee]
Jack Skellington: I feel SO much better now!
Sally: [pulling a loose thread from his cuff] Jack, I know you think something's missing, but -
[accidentally catches his finger]
Jack Skellington: [lightly] Ow.
Sally: Sorry.
Jack Skellington: You're right. Something *is* missing. But what? I've got the beard... the coat... the boots... the belt...
Jack Skellington, Lock, Barrel: [come in] Jack! Jack! This time we found him!
Jack Skellington: This time we really did.
Lock: He sure is big, Jack!
Barrel: And heavy!
Santa: [bursting out the bag] Let me out!
[the Halloween citizens gasp in awe]
Jack Skellington: Sandy Claws - in person. What a pleasure to meet you.
[prepares to shake but then looks down when their HANDS touch]
Jack Skellington: Wh - ! Why, you have *hands*! You don't have claws at all!
Jack Skellington: [dazed] Where am I?
Jack Skellington: Consider this a vacation, Santy. A reward. It's your turn to take it easy.
Santa: B-But there must be some mistake!
Jack Skellington: See that he's comfortable... Just a second, fellas! Of *course*! *That's* what I'm missing!
[takes Santa's hat]
Santa: B-But...
Jack Skellington: Thanks.
Santa: Hang on - you just can't -
[has the bag thrown over him again]
Santa: Hold on! Where are we going now?
[the henchmen leave with him]
Jack Skellington: Ho, ho, *ho*! No...
[monotone]
Jack Skellington: Ho, ho, ho. Ho...
Sally: This is worse than I thought. Much worse. I know!
[leaves to get fog juice]


Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Kimar: How are you feeling today? Tired?
Santa Claus: Oh, no, I'm not tired. But my finger is.

Santa Claus: Oh me, oh my, oh me!

[after being asked if he is going to use a rocket sleigh]
Santa Claus: No siree! We're going out the good ol' fashioned way. Prancer and Dancer and Donder and Blitzen, and Vixen and Nixon... oh, consarnit I get those names mixed up, but the KIDS know their names.

Andy Henderson: What is this strange looking creature over here?
Santa Claus: Oh, Winky made that. That's his idea of a Martian.
Andy Henderson: A Martian? Wow-wee-wow! I'd hate to meet a creature like that on a dark night.

Kimar: Santa, you will never return to Earth, you belong to Mars now.
Santa Claus: Ho Ho, Hooo...

Santa Claus: Ho ho, we meet again, eh?

Santa Claus: Well, when Voldar "accidentally" left us in the airlock and then came up here and "accidentally" threw the door switch, we knew we had to get out of there in a hurry or that would be the end of us. Eh, uh, "accidentally," of course.


"Robot Chicken: Easter Basket (#2.3)" (2006)
Gohan: Dad, could you kick an angel's ass?
Goku: You're damn right I could!
[footsteps are heard]
Gohan: Dad, is that Santa on the roof?
Goku: Well, if not, I got a present for him...
[shoots at the roof; Santa tumbles down the chimney]
Gohan: Santa! Santa!
Santa Claus: Oh, my motherfucking knee! Aw, fuck! Shit! Aw, fucking fuck it all to hell! That hurts like a motherfucker!
Gohan: Dad, what's a f***er?
[Goku laughs embarrassedly]

Goku: So... uh... Santa, what happened?
Santa Claus: Bandits, Goku! They stole my reindeer and all the presents... and my pants!
[stands up, Goku swiftly covers Gohan's eyes]

Santa Claus: [about his wife] She's grown too gigantic and unstable! Women... Am I right, fellas?

[Mrs Claus explodes into a snowflake]
Goku: The Tenka'ichi Budôkai is finally complete!
Santa Claus: What the f*** are you talking about? Was that even English? What happened to my wife?
[a reindeer eats the snowflake]
Santa Claus: This is the last time I deliver presents to Japan...

Composite Santa Claus: [Goku launches a ki force attack] Oh! Temperatures over 32 degrees Fahrenheit! My only weakness!

Composite Santa Claus: I've got five reasons for you to shut up!
[pulls out a revolver and fires]
Composite Santa Claus: One, two, three, four, five!

[Goku and Composite Santa Claus face each other, powering up... ]
Composite Santa Claus: Okay, I got nothing!


"Futurama: Xmas Story (#2.8)" (1999)
Santa Claus Robot: Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. missile!

Santa Claus Robot: I'll be back when you least expect it: Next Xmas!

Santa Claus Robot: Ho ho ho! It's time to get jolly on your naughty asses!

Santa Claus Robot: Fry and Leela, you've both been very naughty! I checked my list!
Fry: Well, check it twice!
Santa Claus Robot: I perform over fifty mega-checks per second!

Santa Claus Robot: I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts!

Santa Claus Robot: You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.
Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick!

Santa Claus Robot: Your mistletoe is no match for my *tow* missile.


Santa Claus (1985)
Santa Claus: Don't you know who I am?
Joe: Sure, you're a nut.
Santa Claus: I'm Santa Claus.
Joe: Right, and I'm the tooth fairy.

Santa Claus: How can I do so much in just one night?
Ancient Elf: Oh, yes, well know this: time travels with you. The night of the world is a passage of endless night for you, until your mission is done.

Santa Claus: You have folks saying that Santa Claus only rewards the good little boys and girls.
Anya Claus: Isn't that how it should be?
Santa Claus: All right. Dooley, make up a list of who is naughty and nice.
Dooley: Yes, sir.
Santa Claus: And be careful. I'll be checking it twice.

Joe: [after he gets his present from Santa] Did Cornie get anything?
[pauses]
Joe: The er... little girl.
Santa Claus: Oh? Are you two seeing a lot of each other?
Joe: Actually, yes.
[blushes quite a lot]
Joe: Actually.

Santa Claus: Next Christmas, you and I will have a date.
Joe: Really?
Santa Claus: Santa Claus never lies, Joe.

Anya Claus: [Dooley is reading Twas The Night Before Christmas] What is it?
Santa Claus: It's a poem. A poem about me. They say it's a big hit.
Dooley: He had a broad face, and a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
Santa Claus: What was that? That last part.
Dooley: [reading with hesitation] He had a broad face.
Santa Claus: Yes. Go on.
Dooley: [continues reading with hesitation] And a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of...
Santa Claus: Jelly.
Dooley: It's... just a poem.
Santa Claus: [upset] Is that how they think I look?
Anya Claus: [struggling not to laugh] Well... The cookies.
Patch: It's the cookies.
[the other elves snicker]


Friday After Next (2002)
Santa Claus: Gimme that watch!
[Elroy's Rolex]
Uncle Elroy: Oh, no. Not the Roley!
Santa Claus: Now it's a Stoley. Gimme the watch! Looking like a Mississippi pimp. Bitch better have my sweet potatoes. Ho, ho, ho, Top Flight Security. Merry christmas motherfucker!

Craig Jones: [walks into kitchen to discover Burglar dressed as Santa Claus eating a sandwich]
Craig Jones: What the hell you doing in my house; eating a big ass sandwich and shit?
Santa Claus: Nigga, I'm Santa Claus; where the FUCK the milk and cookies?

Santa Claus: You remind me of them old players that hang out in the clubs wit da young girls.
Uncle Elroy: You know, you remind me of a young nigga that's fuckin' with the wrong old nigga!

Santa Claus: [robbing Craig and Day-Day's refrigerator] Damn, these niggas are broke. Got no Christmas ham in here...

Craig Jones: [getting robbed] I ain't got nothin' but twenty funky-ass dollars.
Santa Claus: Oughta shoot yo broke ass.

Santa Claus: [taking Day Day's baby picture] That's a ugly-ass baby. Eyes cocked like a pistol.


Carry on Christmas (1973) (TV)
Santa AKA Mr Belcher: What's your name, then?
Virginia: Oh, here we go. It's Virginia. Then Mum says we call her virgin for short, and then you say not for long, all right?
Santa AKA Mr Belcher: [turning to Virginia's mother] She's very forward for her age!
Virginia's Mother: Yes, well we had a French student living with us - she probably got it from him.
Santa AKA Mr Belcher: [looks at Virginia, then turns back to face the mother] I wouldn't be at all surprised!

Santa AKA Mr Belcher: Why can't we go back to living like cavemen? I know it was a rough and ready existence - the men where always rough and the women were always ready!

Santa AKA Mr Belcher: My wife hasn't really got a Christmas spirit. When I went into bed last night, guess what she said?
Mr. Sibley: [referring to his sandwich] Put that wretched thing away!
Santa AKA Mr Belcher: How did you know?

Santa AKA Mr Belcher: [a slap and an exclamation is heard from out of shot] Hello, that's coming from the bedding department!
Bed Customer: [Walking out and adjusting her jumper] Well, really
Santa AKA Mr Belcher: [Noticing Mr Sibley] I might have known!
Mr. Sibley: How dare you! I was just showing her, how to get an overnight bunk up!

Virginia: [Climbing onto Santa's knee] Now then, what are you going to give me?
Santa AKA Mr Belcher: Well, you're making it hard for me!
[Picking up a yellow yo-yo]
Santa AKA Mr Belcher: How about a little yo-yo?
Virginia: I don't like them!
Santa AKA Mr Belcher: [Putting the yo-yo away and picks up a doll dressed as a fairy] I know - how about a fairy?
Virginia: Oh, like the one that comes and does mum's hair?
Santa AKA Mr Belcher: No, no!
[Puts the fairy back]
Virginia: He's got a little yo-yo - I've seen it!


Fred Claus (2007)
[from trailer]
Nick 'Santa' Claus: Mom was right about you!

Nick 'Santa' Claus: [after Nick and Fred fight, and crash a snowmobile] I never realized. You hate me.
Fred Claus: I don't hate you, Nick. I just wish you'd never been born.

Nick 'Santa' Claus: Hey, yeah, welcome, welcome.

Nick 'Santa' Claus: [to Fred]
Nick 'Santa' Claus: You are the best big brother anybody could ever ask for
Nick 'Santa' Claus: Ho-ho-ho!

Mother Claus: [at Nick's birthday] Time to cut the cake!
Young Fred - 12 Yrs Old: [comes with a journal with the name "Nicholas" written on the cover] Here you go, Nicholas! I made this for you. Happy Birthday!
Young Nick - 6 Yrs Old: I thank you, Frederick!
Mother Claus: That was very nice, Frederick!
[Nicholas takes all his presents and leaves]
Mother Claus: Nicholas, where are you going?
Young Nick - 6 Yrs Old: There's a poor orphan named Henry who lives down the road. I'm bringing all my gifts to him. He needs them more than I.
Young Fred - 12 Yrs Old: Do you really think Henry needs a journal with the name "Nicholas" on the cover?
Mother Claus: Frederick! It's a sacret thing he does! My little Saint Nicholas!
Narrator: And so it went for Fred...


The Chubbchubbs Save Xmas (2007)
Meeper: [having failed to deliver the presents] Santa, I'm sorry. I ruined Christmas.
Santa Claus: Oh, Meeper; you actually saved every Christmas to come by weeding out that naughty hacker.
[showing Meeper a picture of Brad Spoylt as a baby near a computer]
Santa Claus: He's been messing up Christmas since he was a toddler!
[to an elf]
Santa Claus: What do we have for him, Ed?
Elf: [presenting a mobile home] A new house!
[the Chubbchubbs devour it]

Meeper: Meeper here! My Christmas wish is to have a home for me and my Chubbchubbs.
Santa Claus: Meeper! What a kind and noble thing to offer your services. *If* you deliver all the toys to the children, I will grant your Christmas wish.
[throws him a Santa Claus coat and a pair of briefs]
Santa Claus: You'll need one of these and a pair of these!

Santa Claus: [as he prepares his sled] This is going to be the best Christmas *ever*!
[Meeper's ship flattens Santa and his sled; Santa ends up in a body cast]
Santa Claus: This could be serious: I fractured my beard.

Santa Claus: [on a commercial with his elves] Santa Claus is coming to town!
[announcer voice]
Santa Claus: That was Santa and his elves live from the North Pole, Earth's favorite Pole! If you've been good, even if you're a fish, I will grant you your Christmas wish. Log onto www.ibeengood.com.
Meeper: [in his mind] My wish is for a real home for me and my Chubbchubbs!


A Christmas Story (1983)
[Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted]
Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'.
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Head Elf: COME ON, KID!
[pulls Ralphie]
Head Elf: COME ON!
Santa Claus: HO! HO HO!
[spins Ralphie around]
Santa Claus: HOOOO... HOOO... HOO... And what's your name little boy?
Male Elf: Hey, kid! HURRY UP! THE STORE'S CLOSING!
Head Elf: Listen little boy, we have A LOT of people waiting here, so GET GOING!

Santa Claus: If Higbee thinks I'm working one minute past 9:00, he can kiss my foot. Ho ho ho.

Santa Claus: Come on up on Santa's lap, here's a wet one. And what's your name little boy? And what do you want for Christmas, Billy? A toy truck? Get him off my lap and get my a towel.
[Billy is pushed down the slide]
Santa Claus: Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca.


The Polar Express (2004)
Santa Claus: There's no greater gift than friendship.

Santa Claus: This bell is a wonderful symbol of the spirit of Christmas - as am I. Just remember, the true spirit of Christmas lies in your heart.

Santa Claus: [holding up the silver sleigh bell] The first gift of Chrstmas!

Santa Claus: [voiceover, as the Hero Boy opens his package to reveal the lost sleigh bell] Found this on the seat of my sleigh. Better fix that hole in your pocket. Mr. C.


Elf (2003)
Santa: That's another thing... Buddy you should know that your father... he's on the naughty list.
Buddy: Nooooo!

Santa: I've been to New York thousands of times.
Buddy: Really?
Santa: Mm-hmm.
Buddy: What's it like?
Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn't free candy.
Buddy: Oh.
Santa: Second, there are, like, thirty Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show", that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at the new toys before Christmas.

Santa: Oh no, it's The Central Park Rangers

Santa: I'm getting too old for this.


"South Park: Red Sleigh Down (#6.17)" (2002)
[Santa is being interrogated by the Iraq military]
Interrogator: What does America want with Iraq? Tell me my main man!
Santa Claus: I don't know, I live in the north pole.
[Interrogator pulls out two metal rods]
Santa Claus: What are you going to do to me?
Interrogator: They say it was the Chinese who first experimented with electro-shock to the testicles...
Santa Claus: Oh no! Not Santa's balls!
[Zap]
Santa Claus: Aargh! I'm gonna fucking *kill* you!
Interrogator: You're going to tell me what I want, my main man.
Santa Claus: Then we're in for a long night, 'cos I don't know shit!

Santa Claus: Oh No! Not Santa's Balls!

[Jesus leads the boys on the way to the exit with Santa Claus, then stops at the foot of the stairway and turns around]
Jesus: [shouts] Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof!
[an Iraqi soldier comes down the stairs behind him]
Kyle: [shouts] Jesus, behind you!
[Jesus looks at the boys, and gets shot in the back]
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [slow motion, in shock] Jesus!
[in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and falls to the floor]
Santa Claus: [in slow motion shock] No!
[he shoots the soldier dead, then runs up to Jesus and holds him in his arms as the motion returns to normal]
Santa Claus: Jesus! Jesus!
[Jesus stammers a bit, but nothing comes out of his mouth]
Santa Claus: No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
Jesus: [groaning] You're a... bad liar.
[the boys are speechless]
Jesus: [continues groaning] Yea. But we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh?
Santa Claus: We sure did, Jesus.
Stan: [finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Jesus: [groans] Santa?
Santa Claus: [quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus.
Jesus: [voice turns to a whisper] Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit.
[he dies, and his halo vanishes from sight]
Stan: Oh my God. The Iraqis killed Jesus.
Kyle: You bastards.

Santa Claus: [after gunning down an Iraqi henchman] I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls.


Frosty the Snowman (1969) (TV)
Santa Claus: Now you go home and write "I am very sorry for what I did to Frosty" a hundred zillion times. And then maybe - just maybe, mind you - you'll find something in your stocking tomorrow morning.
Professor Hinkle: Like - a new hat, maybe? Ohh, yes, sir! Goodbye, everyone! Sorry to lose and run, but I've got to get busy writing, busy, busy, busy!

Santa Claus: Don't cry, Karen, Frosty's not gone for good. You see, he was made out of Christmas snow and Christmas snow can never disappear completely. It sometimes goes away for almost a year at a time and takes the form of spring and summer rain. But you can bet your boots that when a good, jolly December wind kisses it, it will turn into Christmas snow all over again.
Karen: Yes, but... He was my friend.
Santa Claus: Just watch.

Professor Hinkle: [after seeing that Santa Claus has brought Frosty back to life] Wait a minute! I want that hat, and I want it now!
Santa Claus: DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT.
Professor Hinkle: And just what are *you* going to do about it?
Santa Claus: If you so much as lay a finger on the brim, I will never bring you another Christmas present as long as you live.
Professor Hinkle: [traumatized] Never?
Santa Claus: Never.
Professor Hinkle: No more... trick cards or... magic balls or...?
Santa Claus: No more anything.


Rudolph's Shiny New Year (1976) (TV)
Santa Claus: Rudolph, once again the happiness of all the children of the world depends on you. You must find the baby New Year, and you have less than a week to do it.
Rudolph: You mean?
Santa Claus: Rudolph, with your nose so bright, you've six days to set things right.
Rudolph: I'll do my best, Santa.

Santa Claus: If I can travel all over the world in one night, I ought to be able to get you to Father Time in a few bongs.

[last lines]
Santa Claus, Father Time, One Million: Happy New Year!
Rudolph: And may it be shiny, too!


"McCloud: 'Twas the Fight Before Christmas... (#7.2)" (1976)
Lady: [a sidewalk Santa pulls a gun on the clientele] Are you mugging me?
Santa Claus: It's been a bleak year at the toyshop!

Santa Claus: [he tries it again] Come on, I can't stand here all night, I knock off at twelve!
[the victim strikes back by knocking Santa's gun out of his hand with her purse and stabbing him with a hat pin]
Santa Claus: [walking off into the alley] She stabbed me. She stabbed me!


"Jackie Chan Adventures: A Jolly J-Team X-Mas (#3.10)" (2002)
Elvin Elf: Sir, security reports world wide air space clearance for tonight's flight.
Elf: Transport reports Donnor and Blitzen are acting up, your jolliness.
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! Oh, those rascals always get the jitters before showtime.

Santa Claus: Strange friend, your desire for cheese will not prevail against good.
Dalong Wong: CHI! Not cheese!


Santa Claus (1959)
Pedro: Don't forget that you've got to return to the castle ahead of the sunrise because the sun will turn the reindeer into dust.
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho, no siree, no! I'll be here all right. In that case, I couldn't get back to the castle, and on what they use for food I'd perish! Because here our main food is pastries and ice cream made of soft clouds, and on the earth there's no such thing.
Pedro: What food do they eat on Earth, Santa Claus?
Santa Claus: Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the plants, the flowers, the roots, birds, even smoke and alcohol!

Santa Claus: Oh! Darn that Devil Pitch! Why, if I were on Earth right now, I'd put him in his place! But even he knows I can only return to Earth one night a year.


The Ultimate Christmas Present (2000) (TV)
Santa Claus: The important thing now, is to stop this storm.

Sparky: Did you check your pockets?
Santa Claus: [starts to check] I've been through this all before!


Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)
Santa Claus: What is that? What is that I hear? Where's it coming from? I hear a siren, but I don't see any fire, I don't see any smoke. Whenever there's a siren, it means there's a fire, but I don't see any smoke. That siren. Where is it coming from? Where's that sound coming from?

Santa Claus: I think I'd better my coat on, very quickly. Can't let anybody see Santa Claus without his coat. Just put this belt on, quickly as you can, and, uh, see what's going on.


The Year Without a Santa Claus (1974) (TV)
Santa Claus: All right. What are you up to?
Mrs. Santa: Up to? Do I look like I'm up to something?
Santa Claus: No, you don't look like you're up to something, but whenever you look like you're not up to ANYTHING, you're up to something.

Dr. Bobbin: And for what? Just to deliver presents to a bunch of folks who don't give a hoot in the first place.
Mrs. Santa: Now, now, Doctor. It's not just presents and you know it. What about all that Christmas spirit and good will?
Dr. Bobbin: If you had any sense, you'd give it up as a bad job and stay home in bed this year.
Mrs. Santa: Oh come now, if Santa stayed home, why there would be no Christmas.
Dr. Bobbin: Who cares? Nobody cares about Christmas anymore.
Santa Claus: They don't?
Dr. Bobbin: Of course not. Wouldn't surprise me none if nobody even believed in you anymore.
Mrs. Santa: Now Santa, don't you pay him any mind.
Dr. Bobbin: Nobody cares a hoot and a holler for you or Christmas. Oh by the way, Merry Christmas to you.


Elmo Saves Christmas (1996) (V)
Santa Claus: [to Elmo] You got 2 more wishes, son. Don't waste them.

Santa Claus: You wished for a glass of water?
Elmo: Uh huh.
Lightning: Why?
Elmo: 'Cause Elmo was thirsty.
Lightning: But you could've had anything!
Elmo: A diet soda?


The Life & Adventures of Santa Claus (1985) (TV)
Santa Claus: In all this world, there is nothing so beautiful as a happy child.

Young Claus: What is Man's use? Why is he here? Why is he born at all?
The Great Ak: To leave the world in some way better than he found it.


A Boyfriend for Christmas (2004) (TV)
Santa Claus: Santa client privilege.

Santa Claus: Don't let the moment escape you, Ryan, or you may regret it forever.


Fans Anonymous (2008)
Santa: Sometimes kids can be so deep?
Freddie Kruger: Yeah, about as deep as a bucket of spit.

Missy Claus: Is he still complaining?
Santa: Shut up and bake me some cookies woman!


Prep & Landing (2009) (TV)
The Big Guy: Oh, I'm afraid Magee's rerouting me son.
Wayne: Sir, there's a child here that's really excited for you. We cannot let him down! I can land you safely. I have a plan. And there is time. *Please* sir, let me do my job. I *can't* let Timmy down!

The Big Guy: It's just a little snow, Magee. I can handle it.
Magee: It's not that, sir. The site's not prepped. We have no choice... Figgy Pudding.
[All gasp]
The Big Guy: It's never come to that! What about Timmy?
Magee: With all due respect, sir, there are millions of other children counting on you. You can't let them down. We'll make it up to Timmy somehow, I promise.


"Bewitched: A Vision of Sugar Plums (#1.15)" (1964)
Michael: Those aren't pillows are they?
Santa Claus: [chuckling] No, my boy - sometimes I wish they were. I've tried all kinds of diets, but nothing works. But then again, if I got too thin, my children might not recognize me.
Michael: I'd know you.
Santa Claus: Yes - Yes, I think you would. But what difference does it make how we look on the outside - it's how we feel on the inside that counts, isn't it? You'll grow older and I'll grow weaker, but what we've seen with our hearts will ever remain a thing of joy and beauty.

Santa Claus: Remember, Michael, the real happiness of Christmas is not found in what we get, but what we give.


All I Want for Christmas (1991)
Santa: Oh, you're back.
Hallie O'Fallon: This time we really need to talk. Can I use the lap?

Santa: [to Hallie] You know, I usually specialize in stuff you can wrap.


Home Alone (1990)
Kevin McCallister: Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a second?
Santa Claus: Yes, but make it quick. Santa's got a little get together he's late for.
Kevin McCallister: Okay. I know you're not the real Santa Claus.
Santa Claus: [his beard is pulled down, revealing his real face] What makes you say that? Er, just out of curiosity.

Santa Claus: Damn. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?


Four Days (1999)
Santa Claus: What do you want for Christmas?
Chrystal: I'd like a pearl necklace, double strand, 20 inch, 6, 7 millimeter pearls. And I'd appreciate if you'd snuff my husband.
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho. Now that's not the kind of thing Santa does.


The Happy Elf (2005) (V)
Santa: He's a good worker, isn't he?
Norbert: He's a little irritating, if you know what I mean. Last time he was in my department, we had to issue ear plugs to the other elves.


Kingdom Hearts II (2005) (VG)
Santa Claus: Jack, don't tell me you've got ideas about Christmas again!
Sora: [to Jack] Again?
Jack Skellington: It's a long story...


The Santa Clause (1994)
Sarah the Little Girl: You're fatter this year.
Santa: Thank you. You've grown too. Now go back to sleep.
[Drinks the milk and gags a little]
Sarah the Little Girl: What's wrong?
Santa: I think the milk's a little sour.
Sarah the Little Girl: It's soy milk.
Santa: Huh?
Sarah the Little Girl: You said you were lactose intollerant.


Farewell Mr. Kringle (2010) (TV)
Kringle: Looking in the rear-view mirror, is no way to live one's life.


The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
Father Christmas: Winter is almost over.


Fortress (1985) (TV)
Father Christmas: Get in the Van!


Babes in Toyland (1934)
The Toy Maker: What do you think of the wooden soldiers?
Santa Claus: They're nice but they're not what I ordered. I ordered 600 soldiers one foot high.
Stannie Dum: Oh I thought you said 100 soldiers six feet high.


"American Dragon: Jake Long: Eye of the Beholder (#1.16)" (2005)
Santa Claus: Sorry hon, but your definitely on my naughty list and my ugly list. You should donate that body to science. Science fiction that is.


"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas (#6.13)" (2009)
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie walks up to a shopping mall Santa Claus as Mac watches, after learning that his mother was a prostitute who had her clients dress up as Santa on Christmas to avoid upsetting Charlie]
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho. Well, hello! Merry Christmas! So, where's your little one?
Charlie Kelly: [Charlie sits on Santa's lap]
Santa Claus: Oh! Ho ho ho ho, you're a big boy, aren't ya? Ha ha! Uh...
[to Mac]
Santa Claus: Is he retarded? Ah, I got this one.
[to Charlie]
Santa Claus: So, son - what would you like for Christmas, huh?
Charlie Kelly: Did you fuck my mom?
Santa Claus: ...What?
Charlie Kelly: Did you FUCK... my MOM?
Santa Claus: Whaddaya mean? I, uh...
Charlie Kelly: Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? Did you fuck my mom? Did you fuck her? DID YOU FUCK MY FUCKING MOM? DID YOU FUCK MY MOM, SANTA? AAAAH!
[Charlie bites Santa's neck, causing blood to spray everywhere, then drags him to the ground and mercilessly beats him in front of hundreds of crying children before Mac finally drags him away]


'Twas the Night (2001) (TV)
Santa: Do you think a tan will make me look thinner?


"Batman: The Duo Is Slumming (#2.32)" (1966)
Santa: Say, if you tell me where the Batcave is, I'll leave a little present in your stocking.
Batman: [looks into camera] If you can't trust Santa, whom can you trust?
[looks to Santa]
Batman: We can't tell you here, but we'll telephone you at the North Pole on the batphone.
Santa: Good, good, I'll get to the Batcave if I have to slide down that batpole instead of a chimney. Merry Christmas, hohoho!
Batman, Robin: Merry Christmas, Santa!


The Christmas Tree Train (1983) (TV)
Santa Claus: I'm a little rusty after twelve months.
Buttons: In another twelve months, you'll be a big Rusty!
Santa Claus: Not bad for a little bear.


"Chilly Beach: Secret Santa (#1.19)" (2003)
Santa Claus: Every year I give out millions of presents, but what for? Not because I want to. I don't even like most of these kids. I mean, some of these kids are ugly, Dale. Honest-to-God ugly.


"South Park: 201 (#14.6)" (2010)
Kyle Broflovski: You see, I learned something today.
[extended audio bleep]
Jesus Christ: That's right. Don't you see, gingers?
[extended audio bleep]
Santa Claus: That's right, friends.
[extended audio bleep]
Stan Marsh: Yeah.


Christmas at Pee Wee's Playhouse (1988) (TV)
Pee-wee: You're the greatest Santa there ever was!
Santa Claus: I know you are, but what am I?


The Night They Saved Christmas (1984) (TV)
Santa Claus: [to the elves] I'm going to tell you one more time. Sing anything you want. White Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. But no more Jingle Bells!


"The Jeff Foxworthy Show: Foxworthy Family Feud (#1.10)" (1995)
Santa: I don't need to live this lie any longer! Wal-Mart needs a greater! Hey, get that camera out of my face!
[runs away]


The Christmas That Almost Wasn't (1966)
Sam Whipple: Wait a minute! If you are Santa, what are you doing here? You're early!
Santa Claus: Christmas is not coming this year.


Life with Mikey (1993)
Santa: What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Angie Vega: I'd like you to find a chimney, and shove your -


"Tales from the Crypt: And All Through the House (#1.2)" (1989)
Santa: Naughty... or nice?


"Robot Chicken: Gold Dust Gasoline (#1.3)" (2005)
Santa Claus: Bring out your dead!


Olive, the Other Reindeer (1999) (TV)
Santa: Are we good to go, Comet? Ho ho ho?
Comet: I think so. Just don't pick up any hitch-hikers.


Santa Buddies (2009) (V)
Santa Claus: I believe Budderball's tummy always leads to naughtiness.


A Chipmunk Christmas (1981) (TV)
Mrs. Claus: Well, how did it go, darling?
Santa Claus: Oh, just fine, sweetheart, just fine. You know, you ought to get out some Christmas and see how the rest of the world lives.
Mrs. Claus: Oh, I don't know. Making children happy is your job. Perhaps I'm just an old homebody.


"NewsRadio: Xmas Story (#2.10)" (1995)
Santa: Can you keep a little Christmas secret?
Bill McNeal: A Christmas secret? How jolly.
Santa: Come closer.
Dave: Are you coming, Bill?
Bill McNeal: In a minute.
[Comes closer to Santa]
Santa: I'm going to kill you.


The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special (2002)
Lobo: It's payback time for a misarable childhood.
Santa Claus: Well, now, this hardly seems fair.
Lobo: It does if you're standing in my shoes.
Santa Claus: Okay, if gunning down an unarmed and myhic system is the only way you know... Go away, shoot.
Lobo: ...Okay.
[cocks his gun]


Trancers (1985)
Santa Claus: [mouth closed; voice of Whistler] Welcome to the twentieth century, Jack Deth.


Merry Madagascar (2009) (TV)
Santa: King Julien, you are officially off the naughty list.
King Julien: What? No! You can't take me off the naughty list! I *am* the naughty list! What's the naughty list?


Christmas Rush (2002) (TV)
Aurora: [after Aurora and Santa are held at gunpoint] Santa, help!
Santa: [opening his flask for a drink] Santa don't get paid to play gladiator.


The Story of Santa Claus (1996) (TV)
Santa Claus: Which is sillier? Trying to accomplish the ridiculously impossible or giving up without even trying?


Stella Shorts 1998-2002 (2002) (V)
[the guys are writing a letter to Santa]
Michael Showalter: Okay, here it is. Tell me what you think, you guys. Dear Santa...
Michael Ian Black: [interrupting] No, no, no. I mean, you're not on a first name basis with the guy.
Michael Showalter: [crumpling letter] Oh, God! You know what, Mike? I have just about really had it up to here with your condescension. You write it!
Michael Ian Black: [writing letter] Dear Kris Kringle...
David Wain: [interrupting] No, no, no. That's way too formal. We want him to think we're cool.
Michael Ian Black: [crumpling letter] Oh, just screw it, okay? I am sick to death of trying to please you, you fucking kike! You write it!
David Wain: [writing letter] What's up, dude?
Michael Ian Black: Perfect.
Santa: [cut to Santa reading the letter] What's up, dude? These guys are pretty cool.


A Wish for Wings That Work (1991) (TV)
Santa: I see no penguins here whose wings merely sputter. Tonight it was courage that flew yours beyond others. Time to fly, son.