Andrew Wells
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Quotes for
Andrew Wells (Character)
from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997)

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"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Storyteller (#7.16)" (2003)
Anya: For God's sakes, Andrew, you've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
Andrew Wells: Entertaining and educating.
Anya: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?

[Andrew is videotaping himself as Spike and Principal Wood get into a nasty verbal exchange]
Andrew Wells: Check out Spike and the principal... there's something going on there. Sexual tension you could cut with a knife.

Buffy: When your blood pours out it might save the world. What do you think about that? Does it buy it all back? Are you redeemed?
Andrew: No.
Buffy: Why not?
Andrew: Because I killed him. Because I-I-I listened to Warren, and I pretended I thought it was him, but I knew-I knew it wasn't. And I killed Jonathan. And now, you're gonna kill me. And I'm-I'm scared, and I'm going to die. And this - this is - this is what Jonathan felt.

Buffy: Are you still filming me? Stop.
Andrew Wells: But it's a valuable record. A-An important document for the ages. "A Slayer in Action."
Buffy: "A Nerd in Pain." Would they like that? 'Cause we could do that.

Andrew: [filming the room where Willow and Kennedy are passionately kissing on the sofa] Hey, here's something I think you're going to be interested in, gentle viewers.
[zooms in on the window behind the sofa]
Andrew: Look at the fine work Xander did on replacing that window sash. You can't even tell it's new, it blends in so well. He's extraordinary.

[first lines]
Andrew Wells: [to camera] Oh, hello, there, gentle viewers. You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery: don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call: Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.

[Anya drags Andrew and his videocam out of the bathroom]
Andrew Wells: But the story needs to be told.
Anya: Birds need to fly, and girls need to use the toilet, and why were you videotaping yourself, anyway? Sounds like kinky business to me.
Andrew Wells: The world's gonna want to know about Buffy. It's a story of ultimate triumph, tainted with the bitterness for what's been lost in the struggle. It's a legacy for future generations.
Anya: If there are any. Buffy seems to think that this apocalypse is going to actually be, you know, apocalyptic. I think your, your story seems pretty pointless.
Andrew Wells: Oh. I was gonna interview you later today, 'cause, you know, your unique perspective on the whole thing. Give it editorial balance and, uh, glamour...
Anya: Oh, well, balance is important. People don't always take that into account. I could bring that to you. Absolutely.

Andrew Wells: This whole thing - whole thing - is being orchestrated by something called "The First." It's made up of all the evil in the whole world. Oh, there's also, uh, these guys. Uh, they-they-they work for The First. We don't know much about them except for they're very ugly and they're very mobile for blind people.

[Andrew is videotaping the morning's activities in the Summers kitchen]
Andrew: It's morning in Sunnydale, and the women of Command Central take the time to fortify themselves for the day ahead.
Xander Harris: Hey!
Andrew: Women and Xander. Hey, I'm gonna do your special intro later. "The man who is the heart of the Slayer Machine."
Xander Harris: [pleased] Yeah? The heart?
Andrew: Things are tense in Command Central this morning. Buffy is clearly concerned with some unknown danger, and the air is filled with foreboding.
Dawn Summers: Oh, um, w-we're out of Raisin Bran.
Anya: I'll put it on the list.
Andrew: That's probably not the unknown danger.

Andrew: Buffy and Spike have some kind of history: you can feel the heat between them. Although, technically, as a vampire, he's room temperature.

[We see, through the lens of the videocam, Spike pulling a cigarette from his mouth and yelling at Andrew]
Spike: I thought I told you to piss off with this bloody camera, yet here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off before I rip your throat out and eat y...
Andrew Wells: Uh, Spike? The light was kind of behind you.
Spike: Oh, right. Uh... What, is this better, then? - I thought I told you to piss off with that bloody camera; here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off -?

Andrew Wells: We're fugitives, haunted by our past, tormented by a message we don't understand.
Jonathan Levinson: We're hunted men, driven mad by forces beyond our understanding.
Andrew Wells: We're men of hidden power, tortured from within by-by a voice out of nowhere.
Jonathan Levinson: I don't deserve this. I wasn't even that evil.
Andrew Wells: I thought you were evil.
Jonathan Levinson: Yeah?
Andrew Wells: Sure. I respected your ideas for-for evil projects, and I thought you had good follow-through.
Jonathan Levinson: Oh. Well, thanks. It's nice that you noticed.

Warren Meers: [as The First] Did you get the knife?
Andrew Wells: Yeah. It wasn't easy. I had to meet this demon guy who sells all kinds of weird weapons and stuff.
Warren Meers: [as The First] Okay, show me.
Andrew Wells: Well, I didn't buy them, but, there were poison arrows, and this sort of collapsible sword...
Warren Meers: [as The First] Show me the knife!

Andrew Wells: [about Buffy] She's like a woman fighting for more than life. She fights like fighting is her life. It is the air she breathes, and she knows she will win because there is no alternative.

Andrew Wells: Hey, I think Buffy stopped talking. That usually means she had to go to work. Let's see what the little locusts left for breakfast, shall we?

Andrew: So, this is my redemption at last? I buy back my bruised soul with the blood of my heart, but-but not enough to kill...
Buffy: Stop! Stop telling stories. Life isn't a story.
Andrew: Sorry, sorry.
Andrew: Shut up. You always do this. You make everything into a story so no one's responsible for anything because they're just following a script.
Buffy: Please don't kill me. Warren said Jonathan would be OK. I trusted him, and I lost my friend.
Buffy: You didn't lose him. You murdered him.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Life Serial (#6.5)" (2001)
Andrew: I just hope she solves it faster than Data did on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up.
Warren Meers: Or-or Mulder, in that X-Files where the bank kept exploding.
Andrew: Scully wants me so bad.

Warren Meers: This mummy hand has ceased to be!
Andrew: It is an ex-mummy hand!

Warren Meers: W-What the hell is that?
Andrew: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
Jonathan Levinson: Thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numb nuts.
Andrew: For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised designs from Return of the Jedi.
Jonathan Levinson: That's a flawed design.

Jonathan Levinson: I need you to hold hands.
Andrew: With each other?
Warren Meers: Well, you know what homophobia really means about you, don't you?
Jonathan Levinson: Stop touching my magic bone!

Andrew: Oh, she's coming over here. What do we do?
Warren Meers: Jonathan, grab your magic bone.
[Warren and Andrew start laughing]

Warren Meers: We tested her, faced her, and we survived!
Jonathan Levinson: Unless I have internal injuries that will eventually kill me.
Andrew: Oh, of course, but, barring that, Warren's right. We did good!

[trying to remain inconspicuous, the horn of the Trio's van blares the "Star Wars" theme]
Andrew: [to the others] Hey! All you said was lose the mural.

"Angel: Damage (#5.11)" (2004)
[Andrew, this being the first time he has seen Spike since he died, hugs him]
Andrew: You're like Gandalf the White resurrected from the pit of the Balrog. More beautiful than ever. He's alive, Frodo, he's alive.

[Spike has explained that blood smells like pennies taste]
Spike: Blood. Smells different. Stronger.
Andrew: Like nickels?

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: In every generation, one is chosen.
Andrew: Yes, attractive slender woman.

Andrew: Giles and a few key Sunnydale alum have been tracking down the recently chosen. Uh, guiding them, training them, giving them the full X-Men minus the crappy third act.

Andrew: What's it smell like? Blood, I mean.
Spike: Metallic sorta. You ever taste a penny?
Andrew: No. Wait. No.
Spike: Smells like that.

Andrew: [to Angel] Check the view screen, Uhuru. I got twelve Vampyr Slayers behind me, and not one of them has ever dated you.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: End of Days (#7.21)" (2003)
Anya: There was this other apocalypse this one time. And, well, I took off. But this time, I don't... I don't know.
Andrew: Well, what's different?
Anya: Well, I guess I was kinda new to being around humans before. And now I've seen a lot more, gotten to know people, seen what they're capable of and I guess I just realize how amazingly... screwed up they all are. I mean, really, really screwed up in a monumental fashion.
Andrew: Oh.
Anya: And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die. Which they-they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane, and yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting. But they do. They never... They never quit. And so I guess I will keep fighting, too.

[Anya takes a swig from a bottle]
Andrew: Hey. We're supposed to use that to sterilize wounds. Mr. Giles said.
Anya: Come on, what does it really matter?
[Anya hands the bottle to Andrew]
Andrew: Hmm. Good point.
[Andrew takes a swig]
Anya: Giles knows his single malt antiseptics.

Andrew: You are the perfect woman.
Anya: I've often thought so.

Andrew: Oh, and there's a box of ointment, here. I used one of these on a rash once.
Anya: Oh, show me.
Andrew: Well, i-i-it's healed up, but it was red and crusty with these little itchy places...
Anya: Show me the box full of ointments, you little freak.

Andrew: That was kinda beautiful. You-you love humans.
Anya: I do not.
Andrew: Yes, you do. You loooove them.
Anya: Stop it! I don't love them and I'll kill you if you tell anybody.

Anya: I don't know. You might survive.
Andrew: No, *you* might survive. You know how to handle a weapon, and-and you've been in this world for, like, a thousand years. I'm not so... I don't think I'll be okay. I'm cool with it. I think I'd like to finish out as one of those lame humans trying to do what's right.
Anya: Yeah.
Andrew: So, wheelchair fight?

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Flooded (#6.4)" (2001)
M'Fashnik Demon: Which one of you is the leader?
Jonathan Levinson, Andrew Wells, Warren Meers: I am.
M'Fashnik Demon: I will kill the leader.
Jonathan Levinson, Andrew Wells, Warren Meers: He is.
M'Fashnik Demon: I will kill you all.
Jonathan Levinson: Wait, no fair!

Warren Meers: So... you guys wanna team up and take over Sunnydale?
Andrew Wells, Jonathan Levinson: Okay.

Warren Meers: You're just mad I wouldn't build you Christina Ricci.
Andrew Wells: You owe me, man!
Warren Meers: Oh, or else what? You'll train another pack of devil dogs to ruin my prom? Graduated!

Andrew Wells: I don't wanna kill Buffy either.
Jonathan Levinson: Yeah, she saved my life a bunch of times. Plus she's hot.
Warren Meers: It's her or us. I mean, we have to do it.
Andrew Wells: We're talking about murder.
Warren Meers: No, we're talking about staying alive. And since this is my Mom's house, I think what I say goes.

Andrew Wells: Screen wipe, new scene. I had nothing to do with the devil dogs. I trained flying demon monkeys to attack the school play. School play, dude.
Warren Meers: That was cool. That was kinda cool. It was funny.
Jonathan Levinson: Everyone was like, 'Run Juliet'!

Andrew Wells: We could stay up all night if we wanted.
Warren Meers: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't get all crazy on us, Andrew.
Andrew Wells: I was only saying.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chosen (#7.22)" (2003)
[preparing to face the onslaught of übervamps]
Anya: Oh, God. I'm terrified. I-I didn't think - I mean, I - I just figured you'd be terrified, and I would be sarcastic about it.
Andrew: Picture happy things. A lake, candycanes, bunnies...
Anya: [enraged] Bunnies! Floppy, hoppy, bunnies!

Andrew: We will defend it with our very lives.
Anya: Yes, we will defend it with his very life.
Xander: And don't be afraid to use him as a human shield.
Anya: Good. Yes. Thanks.

Andrew: I just wanna say how proud I am to die for this very special cause with you guys. There's some, um - There's people I'd like to thank, both good and evil. Um, a shout out to my brother, Tucker, who gave me the inspiration to summon demons and also...
Anya: Nobody cares, you little monkey.

Xander: So, did you see?
Andrew: I-I was scared. I'm sorry.
Xander: Did you see what happened? I mean, was she...
Andrew: She was incredible. She died saving my life.
Xander: That's my girl. Always doin' the stupid thing.

Andrew Wells: [about Anya] She died saving my life.
Xander Harris: That's my girl. Always doing the stupid thing.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Conversations with Dead People (#7.7)" (2002)
Jonathan: We should have stayed in Mexico.
Andrew Wells: I didn't like it there. Everybody spoke Mexicoan.
Jonathan: You could've learned it. You learned the entire Klingon dictionary in two and a half weeks.

Andrew Wells: [to Warren/The First] You keep leaving me. I hate it when you leave me. One time you died and I ended up a Mexican.

Jonathan: I really miss it. Time goes by and everything drops away. All the cruelty, all the pain, all the humiliation, it all washes away. I miss my friends. I miss my enemies. I miss the people I talked to every day. I miss the people who never knew I existed. I miss 'em all. I wanna talk to them, you know? I wanna find out how they're doing. I-I wanna know what's going on in their lives.
Andrew Wells: You know what? They don't wanna talk to you. All those people you just mentioned, not one of them is sitting around going, "I wonder what Jonathan's up to right now." Not one of them cares about you.
Jonathan: Well, I still care about them. That's why I'm here.

Warren Meers: [as The First] We've been over this. That death thing was all part of the master plan. C'mon, if you strike me down?
Andrew Wells: I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, of course. Do you think Willow can kill me too?
Warren Meers: [as The First] Hey don't worry if not pulls of his end of the bargain, we'll both become gods.
Andrew Wells: That boy is our last hope.
Warren Meers: [as The First] No, there is another.
Andrew Wells: Wait, really? Who's our last hope?
Warren Meers: [as The First] No I was just going with it. It was a thing. No he's our last hope.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Two to Go (#6.21)" (2002)
Xander: Hey, now, play nice fellas, or you'll break our concentration.
Anya: Which means, no protection spell.
Xander: And Willow will make you two boneless chickens skinless, too.
Andrew Wells: And then what? You think your little witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her. She's a truck driving, magic mama! And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers. And not one of you bunch has the midi-chlorians to stop her.
Xander: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?

Jonathan Levinson: You're checking for implants?
Andrew Wells: [defensive] Lex Luthor had a false epidermis escape kit in Superman versus the Amazing Spider-Man treasury edition...

Jonathan Levinson: I still can't believe that was Willow. I mean, I've known her almost as long as you guys. Willow was, you know - she packed her own lunches, and wore floods, and was always... just Willow.
[the car gets hit]
Jonathan Levinson: Geez it!
Andrew Wells: What was that?
Xander: Just Willow.

Anya: Listen to me. We have to get you two out of here or you'll both be killed. Guard!
Jonathan Levinson: What's going on?
Andrew Wells: Stop that! I don't trust her. Do you trust her? This is major uncool.
Jonathan Levinson: Anya, you're gonna have to break this down for us a little.
Anya: Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive, Tara's dead. Willow found out and being the most powerful wicca in the western hemisphere decided to get payback... with interest.
Andrew Wells: Wh... what about Warren?
Anya: She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and the two of you are next.
Andrew Wells: Oh my God! Warren!
Jonathan Levinson: Oh my God! Me!

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: First Date (#7.14)" (2003)
Jonathan Levinson: [as The First] Did you find the gun?
Andrew Wells: Yes, it was in Buffy's underwear drawer. She has nice things.
Jonathan Levinson: Show me.
Andrew Wells: Well, I didn't take 'em, but there were thongs and regular underpants.
Jonathan Levinson: Show me *the gun*.

[Buffy, Spike and Xander enter the house to find the Scoobies waiting up for them. Xander's shirt is wrapped around his waist as a surrogate bandage]
Willow: What happened?
Xander: What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me. I'm going gay. I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let's gay.
Willow: What?
Xander: You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That's a start, isn't it?
Andrew Wells: [wistfully] Captain Archer...
Xander: Come on, let's get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.
Buffy: What if you just start attracting male demons?
Dawn: Clem always liked you.

Jonathan Levinson: [as The First] Andrew, I want you to think. Willow brought something to this house. Something good. Something you can use.
Andrew Wells: The new microwave?

Andrew Wells: Say, um, do you have any weaknesses I should know about if I'm gonna work for you, like, uh, kryptonite or allergies?

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Touched (#7.20)" (2003)
Andrew Wells: Hi everybody. I missed you guys a lot. Sorry it took so long to get back from our mission-mission, but we had to wait out the sun. Well, I think our-our mission went very well. We, uh, we rode on Spike's hog, which was very cool, and, uh, uh, played some amusing games, and, uh - Oh. We got some information. You know what? I really need to urinate.
Spike: He's a breath of fresh air, innit he? Thank God I don't breathe.

Andrew Wells: I spy with my little eye something that begins with a 'T'.
Spike: Tapestry.
Andrew Wells: Hey, good one. How did you...
Spike: Tapestry's the only thing in the whole bloody room.

[after a Bringer spoke through him]
Andrew Wells: I feel used and violated and I need a lozenge.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Gone (#6.11)" (2002)
[about the invisibility gun]
Andrew Wells: I pictured something cooler. More ILM, less Ed Wood.

Jonathan Levinson: We got a lot bigger problems here, bonehead. The Slayer's invisible, now.
Andrew Wells: He's right. She could be anywhere. Even here, right now, watching, listening to every word we say. For all we know, she could be one of us.
[all stare at each other suspiciously]
Warren Meers: [snaps out of it] Oh!
Andrew Wells: Oh, wait, no guys. That isn't true.

Jonathan Levinson: We're not killers, we're crime lords!
Andrew Wells: Yeah! Like-like Lex Luthor. He's always trying to take over Metropolis, but he doesn't kill Superman!
Warren Meers: Because it's Superman's book, you moron!
Andrew Wells: But Lex doesn't kill him, does he?

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bring on the Night (#7.10)" (2002)
Andrew: I'm, I was about to be dead. You saved me.
Buffy: For the time being. But if you don't tell us what we need to know, then I'm gonna offer you to The First on a platter and let him chop you into tiny pieces.
Andrew: The first what?
Anya: The name of the evil thing that pretended to be Warren to get you to kill Jonathan.
Andrew: Oh. Not very ominous-sounding.
Dawn: No, it is if you understand the context.
Andrew: No, an evil name should be like Lex or Voldemort or...
Buffy: Hey! I was intimidating here.
Andrew: Oh, sorry. Um, go ahead.
Buffy: [sighs] Forget it. Where's the seal?

Andrew: Man, this place gives me the creeps. It's like in Wonder Woman, issue 297/299...
Xander: Catacombs - yeah, with the skeletons.
Andrew, Xander: That was cool.
[Xander realizes that he shouldn't be bonding with the enemy and pushes Andrew forward]
Xander: Move it. This way.

Andrew: I'm telling you that my spider-sense is tingling. This is gonna get hairy. I'm talking weird with a beard. Better untie me.
Buffy: And that'll help us, how?
Andrew: OK, I know what you're thinking: Andrew - bad guy. You think I'm a super-villain like Dr. Doom or Apocalypse or-or The Riddler. But I admit I went over to the dark side, but just to pick up a few things, a-and now I'm back. I've learned. I'm good again.
Buffy: And when were you good before?
Andrew: OK, technically, never. Touché. But I'm like Vader in the last 5 minutes of Jedi with redemptive powers minus a redemptive struggle of epic redemption which chronicles...
Andrew: These ropes itch.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Never Leave Me (#7.9)" (2002)
Warren Meers: [as The First] You know the rules. I can't take corporeal form. Here. Feel.
Andrew Wells: [he passes his hand through Warren's chest] Cool!
Warren Meers: Pretty bitchin', right? I'm like Obi-Wan!
Andrew Wells: Or Patrick Swayze!

Andrew Wells: Don't kill me!
Willow Rosenberg: I'm not gonna kill you!
Andrew Wells: Don't torture me and send me to an eternal pain dimension!
Willow Rosenberg: I'm not gonna!
Andrew Wells: Warren killed Tara. I didn't do it, and he was aiming for Buffy anyway.
Willow Rosenberg: Not making it better.
Andrew Wells: And you got your revenge. You killed my best friend. We're even.
Willow Rosenberg: Even? You think I get satisfaction from what I did?
Andrew Wells: Maybe not, but let me keep my skin, okay? I'm not bad, I'm not bad anymore. I'm good, I do good things now.
Willow Rosenberg: Then, why do you need lots and lots of blood?
Andrew Wells: I am bad. I'm bad. I'm evil. But I'm protected by powerful forces. Forces you can't even begin to imagine, little girl. If you harm me you shall know the wrath of he that is darkness and terror. Your blood will boil and you will know true suffering. Stand down, she-witch, your defeat is at hand...
Willow Rosenberg: Shut your mouth! I AM a she-witch. A very powerful she-witch. Or "witch" as is more accurate. I am not to be trifled with...
Andrew Wells: But I...
Willow Rosenberg: I'm talking, don't interrupt me, insignificant man! I am Willow, I am Death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true! Okay?

Andrew Wells: Babe II: Pig in the City was really underrated.
Warren Meers: Don't think about Babe.
Andrew Wells: Right.
Warren Meers: You're Conan. You're The Destroyer. It's you against nature. You're the hunter, you're primal. You live off the land. You're Andrew. Everyone knows you. You play by your own rules. It's kill or be killed.
Andrew Wells: [like a battle cry] That'll do, pig!

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Normal Again (#6.17)" (2002)
Warren Meers: [looking at vault schematics] Ah. There's the vault.
Andrew Wells: I still say we're gonna need eight other guys to pull this off.
Warren Meers: I never should have let you see that movie.

Jonathan Levinson: [about being stuck in the basement] I mean, I'm going Jack Torrance in here, ya know? Stuck in this basement for weeks. We rented the whole house. Can't we at least sleep upstairs?
Andrew Wells: We're on the lam. We have to lay low. Underground.
Jonathan Levinson: That's figurative doofus! Did you even read Legion of Doom?
Warren Meers: Okay, enough!
[to Jonathon]
Warren Meers: Midgetor, get back to the monitors.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dirty Girls (#7.18)" (2003)
Andrew: Faith. Her name alone invokes awe. Faith. A set of principles or beliefs upon which you're willing to devote your life. The dark slayer. A lethal combination of beauty, power, and death. For years and years, or - to be more accurate - months, Faith fought on the side of good, terrorizing the evil community. But like so many tragic heroes, Faith was seduced by the lure of the dark side. She wrapped evil around her like a large, evil Mexican serape. She became a cold-blooded killer. Nobody was immune to her trail of destruction. Not friends, not family.
[while he talks various scenes are running of Faith's fightings from past shows]
Andrew: Not even the most pacifist and logical of races.
[Faith fighting a Vulcan - very like Spock in Star Trek - in a cave]
Amanda: What the hell are you talking about? I thought Faith killed a volcanologist.
Andrew: Silly, silly... Amanda. Why would Faith kill a person who studies Vulcans?
Amanda: He studied volcanoes. He was a professor.
Andrew: Ah, yes. Well, regardless...

Kennedy: I don't care if it's Godzilla. I wanna get in this thing.
Andrew: Godzilla is mostly Tokyo-based, so he's probably a no-show.
Amanda: Besides, Matthew Broderick can kill Godzilla. How tough is he?
Andrew: [in a whiny voice] Xander!
Xander Harris: Matthew Broderick did not kill Godzilla. He killed a big, dumb lizard that was *not* the real Godzilla.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Killer in Me (#7.13)" (2003)
Giles: Gah!
Xander: Touch him! Touch him!
Dawn: Oh, I feel him! I feel him!
Xander: Me too.
Andrew: Me too.
Giles: Good. We all feel each other. Including some of us who don't know each other well enough to take such liberties, thank you. Um, I assume there is a perfectly reasonable and not at all insane explanation, yes?
Anya: We thought you might be non-corporeal evil.
Dawn: We got a call. We couldn't remember you touching anything.
Xander: We had to make sure you were okay. We were worried.
Giles: Oh. Ah. Yes, well, that's very sweet. Now, wait a minute, you thought - you think I'm evil if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and *don't* touch them?

Xander: You're not coming.
Andrew: What? W-Why? 'Cause I used to be evil?
Xander: No, actually, because you're annoying, but, uh, that's a good reason, too.
Andrew: [panicked] Wait, I - don't-don't leave me here alone. I keep getting attacked in this house.
Dawn: Actually, Xand...
Andrew: W-What if this is all part of the plan? Drive you guys away so It can have Its way with me? E-Ev-Ever think of that?
Xander: I'll risk it.
Andrew: Okay, well, if you leave me here alone, I'll-I'll do something evil, like burning something or gluing things together.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Smashed (#6.9)" (2001)
Spike: In my head. The chip in my head.
Warren Meers: We're kind of in the middle of somethin'.
Spike: Well, you can play holodeck another time. Right now, I'm in charge.
Warren Meers: Yeah, what are you gonna do if we don't especially feel like maybe playing your- What are - wait, what are you doing?
[Spike rips Boba Fett action figure off its base]
Spike: Examine my chip or else Mr. Fett here is the first to die.
Jonathan: Hey! All - All right. Let's not - Let's not not do anything crazy here.
Andrew Wells: That's a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.
Warren Meers: All right, dude, chill. You can still make it right. You know you don't wanna do this.
Spike: What I want is answers, nimrod!
Warren Meers: Right. But you don't want to hurt the Fett... because, man, you're not comin' back from that! You know, you don't just do that and walk away.
Spike: That right? Let's find out.
[about to rip head off of action figure]
Warren Meers: One sec - One second.

[Jonathan and Andrew sit with Spike while Warren is working]
Andrew Wells: You're English, right?
Spike: Yeah...
Andrew Wells: I've seen every episode of Doctor Who. Not Red Dwarf, though, cause, um...
Jonathan: Cause it's not out yet on DVD.
Andrew Wells: Right, it's not out yet on DVD.
Spike: [shouts] Warren!

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Seeing Red (#6.19)" (2002)
Andrew: [about Jonathon] I don't trust that leprechaun.

Jonathan: [at the Bronze] What are we doing here? Somebody might recognize us. This is great. We're risking everything so that Charles Atlas can get a date. He's gonna end up getting us thrown into jail. Or worse. Maybe you and I should think about...
Andrew: Warren's the boss. He's Picard. You're Deanna Troi. Get used to the feeling, Betazoid.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Showtime (#7.11)" (2003)
Buffy: [to Turok-Han] Looks good, doesn't it? They're trapped in here. Terrified. Meat for the beast. And there's nothin' they can do but wait. That's all they've been doing for days, waiting to be picked off, having nightmares about monsters that can't be killed. But I don't believe in that. I always find a way. I am the thing that monsters have nightmares about. And right now you and me are gonna show 'em why. It's time. Welcome to Thunderdome.
Andrew Wells: Two men enter. One man leaves.

Xander: Maybe we can save the "maybes" for more of a dayish part of the day, girls. Potential slayers can function without sleep. Me, I'm no good without my usual ninety minutes.
Andrew Wells: I'm with him. Keep the chatter down. Or speak up so I can hear you. I'm bored. Episode I bored.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Empty Places (#7.19)" (2003)
Andrew Wells: I-I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They're really good.
Spike: Not as good as those onion blossom things.
Andrew Wells: Ooh, I love those.
Spike: Yeah, me too.
Andrew Wells: It's an onion and it's a flower. I-I don't understand how such a thing is possible.
Spike: Oh, see, the genius of it is, you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it, root-side up, for about five minutes.
Andrew Wells: Masterful.
Spike: Yeah. Tell anyone we had this conversation, I'll bite you.
Andrew Wells: Right.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Get It Done (#7.15)" (2003)
[Buffy shows Principal Wood the Summers house, Andrew storms into the room wearing an apron and oven mitts]
Andrew Wells: Where the hell have you been? This funnel cake is kicking my ass.
Principal Robin Wood: Yeah, I hear they're tricky.
Buffy Summers: Robin Wood, this is Andrew.
Principal Robin Wood: It's a pleasure.
Buffy Summers: Andrew is our... actually, he's our hostage.
Andrew Wells: I like to think of myself more as a
[makes quote marks in the air with his mitted hands]
Andrew Wells: "guestage."
Principal Robin Wood: So, you - you hold him here against his will?
Buffy Summers: Well, he was evil, and people got killed, and-and now he... bakes. I-It's a thing.
Principal Robin Wood: Oh.
Andrew Wells: Could we try to just keep our secret headquarters a little bit secret? Keep bringing people in, they're gonna see everything. They'll see the big board.
Buffy Summers: Andrew, we don't have a big board.
Andrew Wells: [fetches a white dry-erase board covered with colorful illustrations] I, uh, made it myself.
Principal Robin Wood: Oh, I wouldn't have guessed.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dead Things (#6.13)" (2002)
Andrew Wells: This sucks! Couldn't we at least have gotten a lair with a view?

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Potential (#7.12)" (2003)
Andrew Wells: What's going on?
Anya: Dawn's gonna be a Slayer.
Andrew Wells: Holy crap! Excuse me. Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny.
Xander: Say "Skywalker" and I smack ya.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Villains (#6.20)" (2002)
[about Matthew Broderick]
Andrew Wells: I miss Ferris-Matthew. Broadway-Matthew, I find him cold.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lies My Parents Told Me (#7.17)" (2003)
Andrew Wells: Uh, Willow, a call for you from L.A. Somebody named Fred. Guy sounds kind of effeminate.

"Angel: The Girl in Question (#5.20)" (2004)
Angel: But she's not finished baking yet! I gotta wait 'til she's done baking. You know, 'til she finds herself. 'Cause that's the drill. Fine. I'm waitin' patiently, and meanwhile,
Angel: The Immortal's eatin' cookie dough!
Andrew: Uh, Spike, is Angel crying?
Spike: No.
Spike: Not yet.