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Quotes for
Lorne (Character)
from "Angel" (1999)

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"Angel: Over the Rainbow (#2.20)" (2001)
Lorne the Host: How you holding up?
Angel: I wanna go, bad. I'm just waitin' for Wes to have that "Eureka" moment.
Wesley: [runs in shouting] Eureka!
Angel: Oh, jeez. Thank God.
Lorne the Host: [surprised] You mean he actually really says "Eureka"?

[arrived in another dimension, in daylight]
Charles Gunn: You all see the street do that bendy thing?
Angel: So we made it then, this is your world?
Lorne the Host: Ah, yes. Home sweet hell.
Angel: Ha, I'm not on fire.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: And, we're together! And we didn't merge into a freakish four-man Siamese twin.
Charles Gunn: That was a risk? How come nobody told me that was a risk?
Angel: [happy] Can everybody just notice how much fire I'm not on?
Lorne the Host: Ah, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, all right.

Lorne the Host: Just remember, keep your heads down. Xenophobia, kind of a watchword where I'm from.
Charles Gunn: I don't get it. Why they afraid of Xena? I mean, I think she's kinda fly.
Wesley: "Xenophobia". - fear of foreigners.
Charles Gunn: Oh, then can we pretend I didn't just say that?

Agnes 'Aggie' Belfleur: So, what brings you to the office?
Lorne the Host: Like you don't already know.
Agnes 'Aggie' Belfleur: Oh, I know. I just wanna see what kind of a spin you're gonna put on it.
Lorne the Host: Dimensional portals, psychic hotspots. I need to find one.
Agnes 'Aggie' Belfleur: Why?
Lorne the Host: Some friends of mine are going on a little trip.
Agnes 'Aggie' Belfleur: Hm. I see. And the big, flashing neon warning light in your aura means what?
Lorne the Host: Eat at Joe's.

Lorne the Host: They need the hotspot because they're going to Pylea, my home dimension.
Agnes 'Aggie' Belfleur: And you're not going with them?
Lorne the Host: Aggie, I'd rather have a hydrochloric acid facial. I'd rather invite a hive of wasps to nest in my throat. I'd rather sit through a junior high school production of "Cats"! You see where I'm going with this?
Agnes 'Aggie' Belfleur: Not Pylea.
Lorne the Host: Exactamundo.

Angel: What, is it out of batteries? Is this thing out of batteries?
Lorne the Host: I don't know. I don't know how it works.
Angel: Dammit! I just got her back.

Angel: Start talkin'.
Lorne the Host: About my dimension? Sure, okay, let's see... , uh, I was there, I came here. I like here, I-I don't wanna go there.

Lorne the Host: Remember when I said, uh, I loved this dimension and I'm never, never, never gonna leave? Well, e-exactly which never did you not understand?

Lorne the Host: Oh, am I glad to see you. And so much less dead than I expected.
Angel: What'd they do to you?
Lorne the Host: Well, first there was the welcome home parade thrown in my honor, ticker tape, streamers. Honestly, I was so touched I almost wept.
Lorne the Host: Locked me in a room, pushed me around, asked a bunch of questions. Your standard film noir.

Lorne the Host: [about Pylea] They have no music there. It doesn't exist. Do you know what that's like? No lullabies, no love songs. All my life I thought I was crazy, that I had ghosts in my head or something... simply because I could hear music. Of course, I didn't know it was music. All I knew was that it was something... beautiful and... and painful and right. And I was the only one who could hear it. Then I wound up here and heard Aretha for the first time. Well... Don't kid yourselves. Cordy's in a very bad place.

Angel: [the suns of Pylea is not affecting Angel] Why am I not on fire?
Charles Gunn: Yo, that was phat!
Wesley: Well it is another dimension. Perhaps theres some...
Lorne the Host: Back up, Copernicus. That's suns. Plural.
Wesley: Suns, yes. Well, perhaps they don't have the same effect on vampires.
[pinches Angel's cheek]
Angel: Watch it, alright? Hey!
Wesley: Fascinating!

Lorne the Host: I think we're only a couple of miles from town but, we'll have to walk it.
Angel: No problem here, walkin' in the sun. Hey, do it all the time.
Wesley: Yes, we're all heartily aware that you're not on fire. Shall we go?

Lorne the Host: [to Angel, Wesley and Gunn] You know, ordinarily I handle bad news really well. I just drown my sorrows in an iced cold gin and tonic, little squeeze of lime. Except for they don't have them here!

Angel: I think we might have a lead on Cordy.
Lorne the Host: You found her?
Angel: No. I heard two guys talking about a girl with visions. Said she was cursed.
Lorne the Host: Yikes. I don't like the sound of that.
Angel: They mentioned something about a Covenant. Something about performing tests on her.
Wesley: Angel, I hate to state the obvious. But we need to get out of here.

"Angel: Happy Anniversary (#2.13)" (2001)
Angel: [trying to comfort Gene] Well, you know, love... it's a fire.
Gene Rainey: You've been there.
Angel: It burns you... alive. Down to the bone and then it turns the bone to ash, and...
Lorne: I-I think what my chipper friend is trying to say here Gene, is the wheel keeps turning. You-you can't stop it, sometimes things get worse, sometimes they get better.
Gene Rainey: I want the wheel to stop. Which probably explains the whole time-in-a-box disaster. I can't emphasize enough how sorry I am about that.
Lorne: [about living] It just don't work, Gene-y. It's like a song. Now, I can hold a note for a long time. - Actually, I can hold a note forever. - But eventually, that's just noise. It's the change we're listening for. The note coming after and the one after that. That's what makes it music.
Gene Rainey: I guess.
Gene Rainey: You guys like beer?
Angel: Beer sounds great.

Angel: Is there a reason you're here?
Lorne: There is. What's today, Thursday? Tomorrow night, the world's gonna end. -- Thought you might want to know.

Lorne: [to Angel] Man, you just get darker and darker. And the weird thing is..., your aura? Beige.

Lorne: But, when he started singing..., Man, he knocked me out!
Angel: He was good?
Lorne: No, Angel face, he knocked me *out*! When I came to, he was gone.

Angel: Why'd you come to me?
Lorne: Isn't it obvious? You're a champion. A unique force for good in a troubled world. Also, all the other champions I know are currently out of town or dead. Why? You don't want to work with me? Is this 'cause I sent you on a couple of missions that turned out to be a little...
Angel: Pointless and deadly?
Lorne: As for example.

Angel: Two hundred highly intelligent law school graduates workin' full-time drivin' me crazy. Why the hell is everyone so surprised that it's working? But, no. It's, "Angel, why are you so cranky? Angel, you should lighten up. You should smile. You should wear a nice plaid."
Lorne: Oo, not this season, honey.

Angel: I have an idea. Can you just get to the point, already?
Lorne: Yes, I can, if you'll let me get a word in edgewise, Mr. "Get-To-The-Pointy-Pants".

Lorne: [to Angel] So, what we should do is start with the other Karaoke bars, see if we can get a lead on him. That is, if you're not too busy getting lawyers killed and setting girls on fire.

Lorne: [to the Batender] ...And you keep plugging away at that novel, F. Scott. Art is its own reward. Got to give the people hope.

Angel: Where did you learn how to drive?
Lorne: Just now in your car. Not bad for a beginner, huh?
Angel: What? You nearly got us killed four times.
Lorne: Someone had to drive. You weren't exactly qualified, huddled under a blanket in back, hiding from the sun.

Lorne: This whole sour pussy mode of yours is starting to grate. You know what your problem is? Are you listening?
Angel: Do I have a choice?
Lorne: Your heart isn't in it anymore.
Angel: I don't have a pulse, so technically, I don't have a heart.
Lorne: Technically, someone puts a stake through it, you don't have anything anymore. So, Bubba, your heart counts.
Angel: I have no idea what youre babbling about.
Lorne: Yes, you do.

Lorne: Tell the truth. If the world were to end tonight, would it really, in your heart of hearts, be such a terrible thing?
[Angel doesn't answer]
Lorne: Now, now, sweetie, is that a fun place to be?
Angel: I think you should shut up now.
Lorne: I'm the Host. Have you met me? I never shut up. You pushed your friends away. You went from helping the helpless to hunting down the guilty. Blood vengeance is a luxury of the lesser being. You're a champion, Angel. I mean, you were, at least.
Angel: What do you want me to tell you?
Lorne: Everything. What's in your heart. Why you stopped caring. You know, the whole bowl of wax, so I can help you get back on your path. No need to rush. We got time. You know, not a lot.

Angel: Redemption. Darla had a shot at redemption. But they took it from her. Now I have to hunt her down and kill her. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kill her, and then I'm gonna burn that law firm to the ground. My crew - they couldn't handle that. That's good. It means that they're still human. It means they're better off being fired.
Lorne: You kind of left them in the cold.
Angel: It's a lot colder in here.
Lorne: [to Angel] It's not always gonna be this way. The song changes. Unless, of course, we don't get there on time, in which case - you'll be frozen in this crappy mood forever. I shudder to think.
Angel: We'll get there.
Lorne: Look out!

"Angel: Belonging (#2.19)" (2001)
Lorne: Are you gonna help me, or do I have to break out my champion rolodex?

Lorne: Call me crazy, but I'm getting the weirdest sense of déjà vu, here. How come every time you and me hit the big city, we end up in a library? Snoresville. Next time why don't we do something fun?
Angel: Like what?
Lorne: Elton's in town next month. What do you say? You, me, back row seats?
Angel: I don't do big and crowded.
Lorne: Mr. Elton John hits the first few keys of "Yellow Brick Road", I defy you not to feel like the only other person in the room.

Lorne: Everybody on board. Guilt trip leaving this station.

Claire: [seeing Lorne] You... you're... here for the children's reading program.
Lorne: Yes. Yes, I am.
Claire: It's not until tomorrow morning.
Lorne: I know. I never perform without checking out the space first. Get a feel for the room.
Claire: Oh! Well, the kids will flip over your costume. It looks so authentic.
Lorne: Thank you.
Claire: Ah, except for the horns. But those are probably hard to fake.
Lorne: If you only knew.

Lorne: [to Landok] Landok, is that you?
Angel: [to Lorne] You know him?
Lorne: Yeah. But just because I know his name, it doesn't mean you can't knock him unconcious. Please continue.
Landok: Can it really be you? Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan.
Lorne: It's clearly rabid. Do your thing, Angel.
Angel: Krevlornswath?
Cordelia Chase: Of the Deathwok Clan?
Lorne: I prefer Lorne.
Angel: Lorne?
Lorne: Yes. Lorne, if you must. Though I generally don't go by that because... green.
Cordelia Chase: Huh?
Angel: Right! Lorne Greene!
[Cordelia and Wesley look puzzled]
Angel: "Bonanza"!
[Cordelia and Wesley still look puzzled]
Angel: Fifteen years on the air not mean anything to anyone here?
[Cordelia and Wesley continue to look puzzled]
Angel: Okay, now I feel old.

Lorne: Angel, Cordelia, Wesley... Everybody, this is Landok.
Landok: Landokmar of the Deathwok Clan.
Cordelia Chase: There's that Deathwok Clan thing again. Does that mean that the two of you are...?
Lorne: [cuts off Cordelia] Cousins.
Angel: Your cousin?

Landok: Your Mother's burden is terrible.
Lorne: Misses her little green boo, does she?
Landok: She rips your images into tiny pieces, feeds them to the swine, butchers the pigs and has their remains scattered for the dogs.
Lorne: Sounds like Ma.

Landok: The drokken goes this way. The aura is strong. It's not far.
Lorne: What do you want, a medal?
Landok: Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan mocks me?
Lorne: Just the L.A. in me coming out, I guess.

[last lines]
Lorne: What say we all forget this ever happened?
Angel: I'm down with that. Wesley?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Fine with me. Cordy? Cordy?
Angel: Cordy!
Cordelia Chase: [cut to Cordelia, who is realizing she's not in the Karaoke Bar anymore] Oh, crap!

"Angel: There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb (#2.22)" (2001)
Lorne the Host: You know, I feel a song comin' on.
Angel: Yeah, I thought you might.
Lorne the Host: [singing] Somewhere over the rainbow / Way up high...

Cordelia Chase: This is just pretty unsettling for me.
Lorne the Host: Oh, I'm sure it must be. And after all,
Lorne the Host: I only lost my head!
Lorne the Host: Technically, my body.

Lorne the Host: Wait a second. Since when do I have five toes?

[being shown Lorne's severed head]
Angel: He was...
Charles Gunn: Yeah.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Mmm.
Lorne the Host: That's it?
Angel, Charles Gunn, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Aah!
Lorne the Host: Where's the praising and extolling of my virtues? Where's the love?

[first lines]
Cordelia Chase: Oh, no... No... Oh, God, please forgive me. This is all my fault.
[to Lorne's head]
Cordelia Chase: Because I pardoned you, and they wanted to teach me a lesson. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything. I don't like it here anymore. I just want to go home.
Lorne the Host: Oh, honey. I'm right there with you.
[Cordelia passes out]

Lorne the Host: [while Cordelia screams] I realize this is a bit of a shock, but I can explain. Take it easy. Okay, get it out of your system. That's good. You'll have to breathe sometime. Good lord, shut up, woman! It's not like I have hands to cover my ears, here, you know.

Lorne the Host: Just put me in a bag and take me to the mutilation chamber.
Cordelia Chase: I have no idea where the mutilation chamber might be, I...
Lorne the Host: So I guess I'll just sit here and die, then. Find someone who knows!

Cordelia Chase: [to Lorne's head] Do you mind if I hit him over the head with you?
Lorne the Host: Yes.

Lorne the Host: My psychic friend told me I had to come back here. I didn't believe her. Then I realized I did have to come back here, because... - I really always thought I had to come back here, deep down inside, you know? I had to come back here to find out I didn't have to come back here. I don't belong here. I hate it here. You know where I belong? L.A. You know why? Nobody belongs there. It's the perfect place for guys like us.
Angel: That's kinda beautiful.
Lorne the Host: Ain't it? I'm very moved, if I do say so myself.
Angel: Please do.

"Angel: Through the Looking Glass (#2.21)" (2001)
Host's Elder: Each morning, before I feed, I go out into the hills where the ground is thorny and parched, beat my breast and curse the loins that gave birth to such a cretinous boy-child!
Lorne: My mother!
Host's Elder: Your father was right. We ate the wrong son.

Lorne: See there? She had a vision. That explains it.
Charles Gunn: It does?
Lorne: Well, see, there's this prophecy...
Angel: A prophecy. Great. Because those always go well...

Lorne: [to Angel] Come on, Gorgeous. You can stare at yourself in my Grandmother's glass eye. Oh, and while we're here it's just Lorne, okay. To the people of Pylea, a "host" is just one more thing to lay your eggs in.

Lorne: [to Angel] You remember when I said they didn't have music in my world? Wish I could say the same about the dancing.

Host's Elder: Krevlornswath? Can it be true? I've often prayed that I might look again at your face.
Lorne: Well, you're in luck then.
Host's Elder: [spits on Lorne] You have shamed our clan and betrayed your kind.
Lorne: Thanks, Mom.

Angel: [to the Pyleans] ... And the scroll was just tipping off his fingertips. And his eyes... The fighting was fierce! Whack! I chopped off the evil lawyer-beast's hand, and he screamed and he screamed... and then I left.
Lorne: Well, you're just the regular Hans Christian Tarantino, aren't you?

Landok: Angel, you must again tell the tale of the sorcerer who could remove his limbs and reassemble at will.
Lorne: Right, right. Because that's a good one.
Landok: Ah... It is time for the Bach-Nal. Angel, you shall swing the crebbil.
Angel: Yeah? Okay.

Lorne: Oh, shit!

Lorne: You want me to talk to my family? On purpose?

"Angel: Judgment (#2.1)" (2000)
Lorne: [to Angel] Love the coat, it's all about the coat.

Lorne: Oh you know what I'm talking about. In this city you better learn to get along, 'cause L.A's got it all. The glamour and the grit, the big breaks and the heartaches, the sweet young lovers and the nasty, ugly, hairy fiends that suck out your brain through your face. It's all part of the big, wacky variety show we call Los Angeles. You never know what's coming next. And let's admit it folks: isn't that why we love it?

Lorne: Why Mandy?
Angel: Well, I-I know the words.
[long pause]
Angel: I kinda think it's pretty.

Lorne: Hey, how 'bout that? A performer. Why don't we just call him "Angel, The Vampire with Soul"?

Lorne: Liz, I know it's hatching time, and you're looking forward to that, but there's more to life than eating your young.

Lorne: Welcome to Caritas. Do you know what that means?
Angel: It's Latin for "Mercy".
Lorne: Smart and cute. How about gracing us with a number?
Angel: I don't sing.

Lorne: I'm gonna have a chat with "Mr. Tall, Dark and Rocking". And meanwhile, Durthock the Child-Eater is gonna open up to y'all. He's searching for the Gorrishyn Mage who stole his power and he's feeling just a little bit country. So let's give him a hand.

[first lines]
Lorne: [sings] At first I was afraid, I was petrified / Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side / But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong / And I grew strong / And I learned how to get along.

"Angel: Life of the Party (#5.5)" (2003)
Lorne: And believe me, Milk Dud, speaking as the head of your PR department, we need all the face we can get.
Angel: Milk Dud?
Lorne: Said with affection.

Angel: We don't know how many of them are holding grudges against us or against each other. It's a perfect recipe for an out-of-control blood bath.
Lorne: That's describing every *good* party I've ever been to.

Lorne: Stop it! Stop killing! Listen to me, Me!
[his hulking alter ego knocks him down]
Lorne: Wow, I must really hate myself.

Eve: Simply put, this is a morale thing.
Harmony: Good luck. Morale around here stinks.
Angel: What?
Harmony: Uh-huh. Everybody out there thinks you suck. Well, come on, boss. They're all out there sweating through their matsudas, worried if you're gonna axe them or, you know, axe them.
Angel: OK, look, hey! I haven't... OK, I may have... killed... maybe a couple of them.
Lorne: And clients... And potential clients.

Angel: I'm brooding.
Lorne: You're watching hockey!
Angel: Yeah, but my team is losing.

Lorne: [On the phone] It'll be fabulous. Believe me, Jerry. Yes. It's Grapes of Wrath in outer space. Uh-huh. Oh, it's got heart. Yes, it's got laser battles.
[takes off his sunglasses]
Lorne: It's got a timely message of interstellar poverty. Uh-huh. Listen, have your assistant call my assistant. We'll set something up.

Lorne: [On the phone] Well, I'm pretty sure that Henry Fonda's dead, sweetie. Yeah. Bring him back to life? Let me talk to my science people. OK, no promises!

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Lorne's doing it - something to all of us.
Lorne: [Defensive] I am not!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Everything he's told us to do, we're doing. Spike's thinking positive, Gunn is peeing all over the office.

"Angel: Epiphany (#2.16)" (2001)
[the Host's buzzer is ringing insistently]
Lorne the Host: All right, all right. All right already. I'm not deaf, you know.
[answering the door]
Lorne the Host: Geez, keep your pants on!
[he opens the door to reveal Angel]
Lorne the Host: Well, I see we're a little late with that advice.

Lorne the Host: The point is, you've turned a corner. Well, yay you. Zuzu's petals. It's about time. Between you and me, if it had taken you much longer to hit your bottom, I was gonna kick it.

Angel: [about his epiphany] I'm still not sure what happened...
Lorne the Host: What's not to understand? You think you're the first guy who ever rolled over, saw what was laying next to him, and went, "gueeeyah!". You're not. Believe me.

Lorne the Host: I think I'm speaking for everyone when I say, if all you're gonna do is switch back to brood mode, we'd rather have you evil. Then, at least, leather pants.

Angel: [Talking about Darla] I probably should have killed her.
Lorne the Host: Eh, kill her, give her cab fare, whatever.

Lorne the Host: [to Angel] It's called a moment of clarity, my lamb, and you've just had one. Sort of appalling, ain't it. To see just exactly where you've gotten yourself.
Angel: I don't know how to get back.
Lorne the Host: Well, that's just the thing. You don't. You go onto the new place, whatever that is.
Angel: I don't know if I can. I've done things. Questionable things.
Lorne the Host: Yes, you have. But-But you didn't kill those lawyers, Angel. That was slated to happen with or without you. The Powers were just trying to work it so it'd be without you, that's all. You weren't much help in that department, were you, sparky?
Angel: If I wasn't much help. If they wanted me to stay away, why didn't they just tell me?
Lorne the Host: Would you have listened? Besides, what makes you think they didn't? Over and over and, as for example, over?
Angel: Well, they could've been a little bit more specific.
Lorne the Host: Isn't this just the sort of 'tude that got you where you are now?

Angel: What now?
Lorne the Host: What do you mean?
Angel: How do I fix this? I mean, what do the Powers want me to do?
Lorne the Host: Does it look like I'm hearing voices? 'Cause I'm not. I'm not your link with the Powers, Angel. I never was. You got rid of that when you fired your crew. And that's gonna be the hardest part of all of this, you know?
Angel: Yeah.
Lorne the Host: And there's a chance, a good chance... you won't be able to put this back together. It just... Well, it depends really.
Angel: Yeah. Whether they'll even talk to me.
Lorne the Host: No, actually it depends on whether they live through the night. And I gotta tell you, at the moment, the odds? Not good.

"Angel: Underneath (#5.17)" (2004)
Eve: Hurry!
Lorne: What do you call this?

Lorne: Where's Gunn?
Lorne: Angel?
Angel: He, uh, he stayed behind.
Lorne: Stayed behind? But you never leave a...
[Angel gives him a look]
Lorne: Or I guess we do. That's what we do now.

Harmony Kendall: Uh-oh.
Lorne: This thing comin' after you, how bad on a scale of, say, one to Terminator?
Eve: [man walks out of elevator] Oh, God. He's here.
Harmony Kendall: That's the guy? He's just a suit.
Security Guard: Hey, you. Stop. Put your hands up!
[man punches the guard through the stomach]
Eve, Lorne, Harmony Kendall: Aaaaaaaahhhhh!

Lorne: What do I think? I think I'm tired. I think I'm sick and tired of wearing bells on my toes and making like everything's gonna be OK. I think it's pathetic that lately I'm too scared and sad to tell people the truth so I just say what they wanna hear instead. Most of all, I think the term "Happy Hour" should be banned from the English language. There's nothing happy about this hour or any other.
Carlos the Bartender: Oh.
Lorne: What I know is I started drinking the moment that I found out that a girl I loved was gonna die. Every time I get to the bottom of the glass, I hope that that last drop is gonna take me the distance.
Carlos the Bartender: OK.
Lorne: A simple plan that failed utterly, which is why I'm gonna heave my tuchus off this stool, strap the bells on, and with a smile and a quip, go back into the belly of a very ugly beast and pretend like I can help. Hmm. 'Cause that's what the green guy does.

Lorne: You'll like Canada. Lots of deserters.

"Angel: The Magic Bullet (#4.19)" (2003)
Lorne the Host: You know what they say about people who need people...
Connor: They're the luckiest people in the world.
Lorne the Host: You been sneaking peeks at my Streisand collection again, kiddo?
Connor: Just kinda popped out.

Lorne the Host: I thought Our Lady of the Perpetual Seabreeze was the real deal, till the Divine Miss J. walked right through that door and into my ass.
Lorne the Host: W-Which is where my heart is. Physiologically. I could show you an X-ray.

Lorne the Host: Tonight the role of Judas Iscariot will be played by Krevlorneswath of the Deathwok Clan.

Connor: I'll kill you.
Angel: It'll pass.
Lorne the Host: Yeah, 'cause Lord knows he's never tried that before.

"Angel: Fredless (#3.5)" (2001)
Lorne: Figures, right when Judge Judy's about to lay the smack down.

Fred: Oh, no. Was there another massacre?
Lorne: Oh, no, no. Just the one. But it turns out massacres are a lot like sitting through "Godfather Three". Once is enough.

Lorne: Well, isn't this a lovely surprise.
Cordelia: He's surprised. I didn't think he owned terry cloth.
Lorne: Hmm. Such a small entourage tonight. Hey, Gunn, why didn't you bring your other friends? 'Cause they make a party.
Charles Gunn: Maybe I should wait outside.
Lorne: You know, I'm not entirely uncomfortable with that suggestion.
Trish Burkle: What kind of a place is this?
Lorne: I was kind of going for a Dresden-after-the-bombing sorta feel.

Angel: Look, Lorne, I'm sorry about the bar, but right now Fred is missing, and we need your help.
Lorne: Oh, really? Yeah, well, I am not some mystical vending machine, here to spit out answers every time you waltz in with a problem. I have a heart. Granted, it's located in my left butt cheek, but it's still a heart, and that heart is broken. I mean, why is it nobody ever cares about my destiny? Everyone who walks through that door is all about "me, me, me" - well what about my me? My me's important!
Angel: You know where she is, don't you?
Lorne: And another thing: How... How do they get the pimiento's in the olives huh? There's a mystery for you. Yeah. Do they stuff each one by hand? 'Cause that seems a little time-consuming. Or, do you think they have a little pimieno-stuffing machine?

"Angel: Smile Time (#5.14)" (2004)
Lorne the Host: [holding the torn body of the Angel puppet] Is there a Gepetto in the house?

[Angel, as a puppet, gets more and more angry while watching "Smile Time"]
Angel: Wes, put the Special Ops team on Red Alert!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Red Alert?
Angel: I want helicopters and tear gas!
Gunn: Angel, we...
Angel: This is WAR!
Lorne the Host: Angel, baby, muppet, pumpkin, um... this show is number one in it's time slot. Tykes love it all across the southland. We can't just toss a Jihad at their studio.
Angel: Ohh, right.

Lorne the Host: Maybe you have some type of puppet cancer.
Angel: I do not have puppet cancer! Come on, guys. This is a serious situation. I'm a puppet, and there are children's lives at-
[sees the time]
Angel: Hey, it's Smile Time!

Lorne the Host: Nina definitely wants a piece of Angel cake.

"Angel: Power Play (#5.21)" (2004)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia gave you her visions?
Angel: It was only a one-shot deal. The vision didn't hit me until later that night. I knew then about the Black Thorn and who was behind the Apocalypse, but I couldn't see their faces. I was aware of where the power was, but didn't know who. Then Fred died and I didn't want that to be another awful thing in an awful world so I decided to use it... to make her death matter. And it worked. I'm in. I've seen the faces of evil in the Black Thorn. I know who the real powers in the Apocalypse are.
Gunn: So, what you said earlier about power...
Angel: I was telling the truth about that. Wolfam & Hart is like a machine. That machine has been around since the dawn of time and it will be around long after our bodies are dust and bones. The Senior Partners and Wolfram & Hart will always exist in one form or another because mankind is weak.
Lorne the Host: Someone might want to hand me the crossbow, 'cause I think he gonna start talking about ants again.
Angel: WE are weak. The powerful control everything... except our will to choose. Lindsey may be a pathetic half-wit, but he was right about one thing. Heroes don't accept the world the way it is. They fight it. The Senior Partners may be eternal, but we can make their existence painful.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You want to take them on? The Senior Partners?
Angel: Why not? Wolfram & Hart is a machine. We're in the machine. The Black Thorn runs it. They are the closest thing to the Senior Partners in this plane of existence. If we wipe out the Black Thorn, we can tip the scales in our favor. Bring Wolfram & Hart's gears and the Apocalypse to a grinding halt, even if it's just for a moment or two.
Spike: About time we got our hands dirty.

Angel: This isn't a "keep fighting the good fight" kind of deal. Let's be clear. I'm talking about killing every... single... member... of the Black Thorn. We don't walk away from that.
Lorne the Host: Do we crawl away at least?
Angel: We do this, the Senior Partners will rain their full wrath. They'll make an example of us. I'm talkin' full-on hell, not the basic fire-and-brimstone kind that we're used to.
Gunn: We know the drill.
Angel: No, you don't! Ten to one, we're gone when the smoke clears. They will do everything in their power to destroy us. So... I need you to be sure. Power endures. We can't bring down the Senior Partners, but for one bright shiny moment we can show them that they don't own us! You need to decide for yourselves if that's worth dying for. I can't order you to do this... but I can't do it without you. So we'll vote... as a team. Think about what I'm asking you to do. Think about what I'm asking you to give.
Spike: [grim tone] Kill 'em all. Burn the house down while we're still in it.
Angel: Something like that.

Drogyn: It was a Sathari, part of a clan of demon assassins. They fell upon me last night at the Deeper Well. The poison from his four blades wearing heavy on my limbs...
Spike: [cutting him off] Yeah, rousing bit of rah-rah, mate. Get to the goods. Tell them what you told me.
Drogyn: Once I bested him, I tortured the Sathari for hours, until he confessed to me who sent him. It was Angel.
Spike: Tell them why.
Drogyn: He said that Angel was afraid I'd find something in the Deeper Well... something that would uncover the truth about his involvment.
Gunn: In what?
Drogyn: Helping Illyria escape from her tomb.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I thought the release of her sarcophagus from the Deeper Well was predestined.
Drogyn: That's what I thought at the time, but now I belive... Illyria's resurrection may have been planned.
Gunn: By Angel?
Lorne the Host: Oh, that doesn't make a lick of sense. Why would Angel want to spring an Old One?
Drogyn: I don't think that was the point.
Gunn: Then what was?
Drogyn: Before he died, the assasin said something about a sacrifice. Someone... trusted and dear.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Are you saying that Angel... was responsible for what happened to Fred?
Drogyn: I mean, he may not have chosen her specifically, but...
Lorne the Host: Whoa! Let's but a kibosh on that sentence before it turns into an ass-kicking.
Drogyn: Do you think I gain pleasure in this? I held Angel as an ally, a brother.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: And you belive he may have murdered Fred?
Drogyn: I know this is difficult for you, but Angel was involved. The information I retreived from the assasin...
Gunn: Did you ever think that the demon assasin was lying to you?
Drogyn: No one lies when they're in extreme pain... at the mercy of my wrath.
Gunn: Then you're the liar, Aragon.
Spike: He has to tell the truth. He cannot lie. It's a curse or something.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Spike's right. This is Drogyn, the battlebrand, given eternal youth a thousand years ago. Demon bane, truth sayer... Watchers council.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Business. What "business" are we in, Angel?
Angel: Do I really have to explain this to you people? We're in the business of business. Oil, software, worldwide wickets... the product doesn't matter. It's the game that matters. Get to the top, be the best, have the most, win.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Win what?
Angel: You're still missing the point.
Gunn: That Angel talking? 'cause it sounds a lot more like Angelus.
Angel: If I was Angelus, half of you would already be dead, just for the fun of it.
Spike: One of us already is. Having fun yet?
Angel: You wanna know the truth? The truth is there's only one of us who ever understood how things really work. Lorne
Lorne the Host: Whoa, hey! Can I not be the poster child for you nervous breakdown?

"Angel: Dad (#3.10)" (2001)
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Were you able to sleep, Lorne, or did you still hear that humming?
Lorne: Oh, I got some earplugs. Put 'em in and slept like a baby. Cried and wet the bed all night.

Lorne: [to Angel about Connor] He doesn't like Smokey Robinson and the Miracles? I thought you said this kid had a soul.

Lorne: [to Angel, Wesley, Gunn, Cordelia and Fred] Oh, just listening to those Furies gives me whiplash! Thank god they finally left. My head was about to pop off, which, granted, not that big a deal.

Lorne: [about Angel] Good morning, all. Is that bacon I smell or did somebody fall asleep with the curtains open? Gotta figure, a guy like you, a place like this, the only truly safe room would be the janitor's closet.
Angel: Thanks for the tip.

"Angel: Waiting in the Wings (#3.13)" (2002)
Lorne: [singing to baby Connor in Brahms' Lullaby tune] Go to sleep, lullaby / You've been fed and you're sleepy / You'll be with Uncle Lorne / Who in no way resents not being asked to go to the ballet / And is certainly not thinking / Of selling you to the first vampire cult that makes him a decent offer...

Lorne: And besides, we all know you got a thing for ex-cheerleaders.

Lorne: Can't fight kyrumption, cinnamon buns. It's fate. It's the stars. Kyrumption is...
Angel: Stop saying that. And stop calling me pastries.

"Angel: Spin the Bottle (#4.6)" (2002)
Lorne: [after the show has returned from commercial break] Well, those were some exciting products, am I right? Let's all think about buying some of those.

Lorne: [Telling Cordelia about a spell that will restore her memory] Trust me, sweetness. There *no way* this can go wrong.
Lorne: [narrating to the audience] So I'm an idiot. What are you, perfect?

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [Walks in while Fred and Lorne are speaking Pylean] Did I miss the spell? Did English go away?
Lorne: No, it's Pylean, crumpet. I said, "I may be prepared to shout a joyful chant."
Fred: And I said, "May your words please the gods."
Lorne: [Cut to Lorne's narration to the audience] OK, first of all, she didn't say, "May your words please the gods," so much as "May you orally please the gods," which is a slight... inflection's very crucial in our-oh, God bless her, it's always nice to hear the mother tongue-as long as it's not from my mother!

"Angel: Offspring (#3.7)" (2001)
Angel: [about Darla] She bit Cordy.
Lorne: Oh, sweetie. Are you alright?
Angel: No. Where is she?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: She got away.
Charles Gunn: We tried to stop her by hitting her fists and feet with our faces, but...

Lorne: This is way beyond my Ken... and my Barbie, and all my action figures.

Darla: [singing] Oh, Danny Boy, what the Hell's inside me?
Lorne: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We're way beyond singing mes enfants. This is a brand new day, here. Alright, everybody. That's a wrap. We'll finish the spell tomorrow. We got a little crisis brewing. Thanks for coming. Check's in the mail. Get the hell out.
Fury #1: Bye, Angel...
Fury #2: ...Come see...
Fury #3: ...Us soon.
Fury #1, Fury #2, Fury #3: Mmmm...
Cordelia Chase: [to Lorne] Men.

"Angel: Just Rewards (#5.2)" (2003)
Lorne: Honey of a story.
Wesley: Story?
Lorne: Yeah. The Vampire Slayer both men loved, both men lost. Oh, I could sell that to any studio in a heartbeat. I-I see Depp and Bloom. But then, I see them a lot.
[Wes has an annoyed look]
Lorne: Sorry. Hazard of running the Entertainment Division. Gotta get out more.

[after seeing Harmony throw a tantrum and storm out]
Spike: I must be in hell.
Lorne the Host: Ah, no. L.A. But a lot of people make that mistake.

[Spike materializes in Angel's office at Wolfram & Hart, and bends over in pain, then realizes he's facing some familiar faces and some strangers]
Spike: What? What?
Harmony: What the hell are you doing here, Spike?
Wesley: Harmony, please.
Gunn: This is Spike? *The* Spike?
Fred: Wait a minute. Who's...
Lorne: [calmly, to Spike] Easy, slim. Easy. No one's gonna hurt you.
Gunn: Speak for yourself, Green Jeans.
Fred: OK, would somebody please tell me who...
Wesley: William the Bloody. He's a vampire. One of the worst recorded. Second only to...
Angel: Me. But you're dead.
Harmony: Well, yeah. Who here isn't?
[looks around]
Harmony: Besides him and him and her and...
[to Lorne]
Harmony: What are you, again?
Spike: [lunges at Angel in game-face, but goes right through him and winds up standing in Angel's desk] Bugger.

"Angel: Guise Will Be Guise (#2.6)" (2000)
Angel: [voice breaks up] I guess I'm a little, um... rocky.
Lorne: You're Rocky. And Rocky 2, and half of the one with Mr. T. Tell me about it.

Lorne: Once more, with less feeling.

Lorne: [to Angel] You don't have to sing. A break for you, a break for me, and a break for Mr. Manilow.

"Angel: Sacrifice (#4.20)" (2003)
[the refugees fleeing from Jasmine - Angel, Fred, Wesley, Gunn and Lorne - are listening to a happy, chipper voice on the car radio, a cheerful report that the Catholic Church will remove all false idols from its churches and replace them with images of Jasmine]
Lorne: Oh! Talk about media bias. Um, not that I wanna talk about media bias. It seems rather moot right now. And speaking of moot, what about us? You all feel like the last feisty wife in Stepford?
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: What are we gonna do? What can we do?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: There has to be an answer.
Angel: There has to be a way; we just need time.
Charles Gunn: The hell with that, we need a damned break. The universe don't seem to be handing out breaks to the underdog, lately. No leads, no database, no weapons, no shelter.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: There's very little gas.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: We should have taken Connor with us. He looks- what if he doesn't wake up?
Angel: What if we took him, and he did?

Charles Gunn: So that's our big plan? Just keep running?
Lorne: Oh, I hear some good things about Belize!

[alerting Angel to an on-coming combatant]
Lorne: Soccer mom, twelve o'clock!

"Angel: That Vision Thing (#3.2)" (2001)
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: The visions aren't from the Powers.
Lorne: Oh, sure, sweetheart, steal my thunder. Next time, you can be the one who gets thrown across the room.

Lorne: Way outside my areas of expertise, I should caution. But, hey, who knew William Shatner could sing? Okay, bad example.

Lorne: Alright, Princess, like I told you earlier. You shouldn't even feel a thing. You ready? Now, I want you to relax. Picture yourself outdoors, in a field or on a mountain.
Cordelia: I like the mountains.
Lorne: Beautiful. You're on a mountain top. And it's warm, the sky is blue, full of big fluffy clouds. You're Julie Andrews in "The Sound Of Music". And you're relaxed, and you're spinning, and the camera's swirling, and...
[Cordelia hits him]
Lorne: Careful, honey, you got some power of your own.
Cordelia: Sorry. All that spinning and swirling was freaking me out.
Lorne: My fault, my fault. I just love that movie so much. Okay, ready to try again? Alright, now let's go looking for The Powers That Be. See if we can reach out and touch someone.

"Angel: Soul Purpose (#5.10)" (2004)
Lorne: Hey, down in front!
Harmony Kendall: Yeah, Angel. You're blocking the apocalypse.

Lorne: [Dream sequence: Lorne, Angel, and barmaid Harmony are in a saloon. Lorne is at the piano] Now you're gettin' it. Everything hurts, and then we die. Or in your case, everything hurts and... then you go on...
[Hits a low note on the piano]
Lorne: and on...
[Hits a lower note on the piano]
Lorne: and on...
[Hits a lower note on the piano]
Lorne: and on.

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: [Dream sequence: Angel is sitting in the middle of a peaceful, sunlit meadow. Fred, Wesley, Gunn, and Lorne appear] This is really nice.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You can stay as long as you like. Stay forever.
Angel: No... there's so much work to do.
Charles Gunn: It's fine. We got it covered.
Angel: But I'm not supposed to be here.
Lorne: Enough fighting, Angel-heart. Time to let freedom ring. Let yourself go.
Angel: But I'm not finished.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You are if you want to be.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: It'll be fine. Great, actually. All you have to do is stop caring.

"Angel: Apocalypse, Nowish (#4.7)" (2002)
Lorne: [looking at The Beast] Ooh, uh, I'm gonna need a bigger arrow!

Lorne: Come on. I'll hang my head out the window, see if I can pick up the Burkle vibe.
Charles Gunn: You can do that?
Lorne: No. But it sounds comforting and I could use the air.

Lorne: Hate to be the little demon that cried "Apocalypse Nowish," but, uh...

"Angel: Reprise (#2.15)" (2001)
Lorne: Can you believe this, not even ten o'clock and we've already run out of yak's bile.

Angel: You've read them. You've seen it. You know what's coming.
Lorne: Now, Angel cakes. You wouldn't appreciate it if I were to blab your personal stuff to every Tom, Dick and vampire that walked in the door, would ya?
Angel: Is it bad?
Lorne: Oy. But I really can't divulge to you what I read in another being. But I can tell you what I overheard in the men's restroom. It's coming Friday. And it's got all their legal briefs in a twist about it.
Angel: What?
Lorne: Well, about every seventy five years, your friends over at Wolfram and Hart have this review. I think the general angst is not so much about the review, but more about the reviewer. And, let's just say it ain't Rex Reed.
Angel: What is it?
Lorne: It's evil... It's dark... It's merciless. Actually, now that I say it out loud, it sounds an awful lot like Rex, doesn't it?
Angel: Maybe you could just tell me in one word what it is.
Lorne: Not likely. But I can tell you in two. Senior partner.

Lorne: Look, all these messy rites and rituals crashing all over town? They don't mean anything. Nervous children trying to score as many brownie points as they can before Daddy gets home. I got news - Daddy? Not impressed. Anyhow, stopping those won't prevent it from passing into our world on Friday.
Angel: What is "It" and how do I stop it?
Lorne: I don't know, and you don't.
Lorne: Almost anything that can manifest, in order to move in this dimension, can be killed. Kinda the downside to being here. That, and the so-called musicals of Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Lorne: "The Band of Blacknil". Don't ask me what it means, I don't know. I shouldn't even have given you that much.
Angel: Thanks.
Lorne: Hey, "Home Office". I picked it up from half a dozen of them tonight.
Angel: What does it mean?
Lorne: Could be the source. Who knows? Now, stop pestering me. Oh, I am picking up one other thing. They'd really like to see you dead.

"Angel: Forgiving (#3.17)" (2002)
Lorne: Angel, this isn't some slimy demon you've got trussed up here. He's a human. Marginally, but-but still...

Charles Gunn: This is making even less and less sense. You expect us to belive that Wesley... OUR Wesley just walked up to Holtz and handed him Connor?
Lorne: They've been meeting secretly for over a week now. I read that much before Wesley attacked me.
Charles Gunn: Then you read him wrong! Wesley wouldn't betray us for no reason!
Lorne: But he did. He was not taking Connor out for a stroll, Charles. When he left here with that child, he wasn't planning on coming back... ever.

Lorne: Hey, I talked to a couple of different sources like you asked. Angel, the news isn't good. This... this "Quor'toth" dimension is... well, everyone that I spoke to is afraid of it. And these are not easily rattled people, and... that's not all. The portal you saw opened? It wasn't a portal because there are no portals to Quor'toth. And for a very good reason. It's probably the most hellish of all the demon dimensions in this known plane of existence. The only way to Quor'toth is to rip right through the fabric of reality. This isn't a matter of finding an interdimentional hot spot or conjuring an opening with a simple incantation. To punch through to Quor'toth would require dark, dark magic's... the kind of power it takes centuries to build. Angel, I know this isn't easy for you, but you got to hear it. If you somehow manage to get in... finding Connor in there would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. A haystack the size of China.
Angel: Needles. Should have thought of that.
Lorne: We don't have the resources to conjure up that much dark power.
[they walk into a room where Linwood is seen tied to a chair]
Angel: Oh, I think we do.

"Angel: Release (#4.14)" (2003)
Lorne: [about Connor] Odd bird. And getting' birdier.

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: I let Angelus walk with Lilah's book and everything Wolfram and Hart suckered out of your brain.
Lorne: I was gonna have those framed.

"Angel: A Hole in the World (#5.15)" (2004)
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: But that doesn't make any sense.
Lorne: I just call it like I see it.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: But the cavemen have fire. That's what they live with in their caves. The astronauts should at least have some sort of weapon.

[Angel, Spike, and Lorne think Eve had something to do with what's infecting Fred]
Lorne: If I hear one note, one quarter note, that tells me you had any involvement, these two won't even have *time* to kill you.
[Lorne backs away]
Lorne: Oh, and anything by Dianne Warren will also result in your death. Well, except "Rhythm of the Night".

"Angel: The House Always Wins (#4.3)" (2002)
Lorne: [to crowd] Hi! Hey, how are you?
Fred: Lorne. It's us!
Lorne: [Still generic] Hey, love ya!
Fred: We love you t- Wait. That was him being superficial, wasn't it?

Spencer: [Gravely] Sir, we have a winner.
Lee DeMarco: That's impossible.
Spencer: He's won a little over 300,000 dollars.
Spencer: And a car.
Lorne: Pretty good haul for somebody with no destiny, huh?

"Angel: The Trial (#2.9)" (2000)
Lorne: Look, you're a big hunk of hero sandwich. You wanna save the girl. I can see why. But you're missing the crucial point here. Things fall apart. Not everything can be put back together, no matter how much you want it.

Lorne: [Darla is singing] Ew.
Angel: Hey, what is that? What does that mean, ew?
Lorne: It means, ew. Ground control to Major Tom, we may not be able to save this bird.
Angel: I'm gonna save her and you're going to help me.
Lorne: I sense pain and anger. You still testy from the last time?
Angel: I don't know, when you sent me to that Swami who was dead and his imposter tried to kill me? Why would I be testy about that?

"Angel: Deep Down (#4.1)" (2002)
Lorne: Back in Pylea, they used to call me 'sweet potato'.
Connor: Really?
Lorne: Yeah, well, the exact translation was 'fragrant tuber', but...

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: To family.
Angel: To family.
Lorne: As long as it's not mine.

"Angel: That Old Gang of Mine (#3.3)" (2001)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It was them. They killed Merl and the others.
[to Gunn]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You knew.
Charles Gunn: I should have said something. I was going to. I was just... I was trying to work it out, man. Figure how to deal.
Lorne: So, have you worked it out yet?

Lorne: Miami.
Gio: Did you say something to me, green boy?
Lorne: Was three thousand miles really far enough, I wonder? I know why you left. Why you ran. You couldn't stay there, could you? After what you did. She trusted you.
Gio: Shut up.
Lorne: Right up until the end, she trusted you. Did you know that?
Gio: [hits Lorne in the face with the butt of his rifle]

"Angel: You're Welcome (#5.12)" (2004)
Lorne the Host: Hey, listen, crumbcake. When you're ready to splash back into that acting pool, just say the word. I'll have you lunching with Colin Farrell like that.
Cordelia: Who's Colin Farrell?

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Sprinkle ingredients with the arterial blood of an unclean... a demon.
Lorne the Host: Heh, we're unclean. Like you're april-fres...
[Suddenly pauses, looking concerned]
Lorne the Host: You sure that thing said arterial blood?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Sorry.
Lorne the Host: Why don't they ever need the urine of an unclean. I've got plenty of unclean urine.
[Lorne laughs weakly while Gunn pulls out a knife]
Lorne the Host: Look, uh, I think I'm making some right now.

"Angel: Unleashed (#5.3)" (2003)
Angel: I'm not gonna sing.
Lorne: Couldn't bear it if you did. No, it's talking you need. Or maybe a shoulder to...
Angel: I'm not gonna cry either.
Lorne: I was going to a leaning place. Okay, Atlas. How 'bout a shrug?

Angel: I'm buying.
Lorne: Ladies and gentlemen, hell just froze over.

"Angel: Provider (#3.12)" (2002)
Lorne: They apologize for their paltry offering and hope you'll accept...
Lorne: Fifty thousand dollars?
Angel: Fifty...
Cordelia Chase: Thousand...
Winifred "Fred" Burkle: Dollars?

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It's an exciting arena.
Lorne: One I'm sure we can all download at I'

"Angel: Slouching Toward Bethlehem (#4.4)" (2002)
Lorne: Do the words "Slouching towards Bethlehem," ring a bell? Or how 'bout "despair, torment, terror"? And I'm not referring to little missy's choice of song, either - although that was horrifying in its own right.

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Is that why you ran out while Cordelia was singing?
Lorne: Well, "A", I wasn't running, I was fleeing. And, "B", yes.
Charles Gunn: Well, how horrible is this thing?
Lorne: Well, I haven't read the Book of Revelations lately, but, if I was searching for adjectives, I'd probably start there.

"Angel: Awakening (#4.10)" (2003)
Lorne: Is there any part of this guy that doesn't have writing all over it? Scratch that. I don't wanna know.

[Angel has reluctantly agreed to release Angelus]
Angel: We're gonna need a cage.
Lorne: Cage?
Angel: A strong one. About ten by twelve, steel-reinforced. Two inch bars, maybe three. I'll make some calls.
Charles Gunn: What, he thinks something like that's going to hold the Beast?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It's not for the Beast. It's for him.

"Angel: First Impressions (#2.3)" (2000)
[first lines]
Lorne: 'Send In The Clowns' and 'Tears Of A Clown', both in one night. What a treat.
Angel: Yeah, well, I, uh, was sorta going for a, you know, medley kind of a thing.
Lorne: Yeah, yeah. More of a due-dly really, wasn't it?
Angel: I couldn't come up with a third.
Lorne: You know, still, I've never seen you open up like that before. Now tell the truth, you've been practicing, haven't you?
Angel: A little.
Lorne: Probably not in front of the mirror.
Angel: In the shower.
Lorne: Yeah, it so shows.
Angel: You think?
Lorne: You really put your heart into it. Question is, what happens to it now?
Angel: It?
Lorne: Your heart, you big softie. It may not be beating, but it can still break.
Angel: What do you mean?
Lorne: Well, just that you've come to a bend in your own personal uphill road, bro. Whether or not that slows you down, well, that's up to you.

Angel: Darla. I was afraid you weren't coming.
Darla: Mmm, don't be silly, silly! I've been here the whole time.
Angel: You have?
Darla: Mm-hmm, just waiting for you. Aren't you going to ask me to dance?
Angel: [they begin to dance] I still can't believe you're here. I mean, I killed you.
Darla: I'm over that. You haven't told anyone else about these dates of ours, have you?
Angel: No. I want you all to myself.
Darla: Hmm... I know how you feel.
Angel: It's so strange.
Darla: But good.
Angel: But good.
Lorne: Somebody get these two love-vamps a room!

"Angel: Birthday (#3.11)" (2002)
Lorne: [to Angel] Jumping Judas on a uni-cycle! What happened?

Angel: Did you get the information?
Lorne: Oh, why, yes, Angel. My horn should grow back in a couple of days. So kind of you to be concerned.

"Angel: Lineage (#5.7)" (2003)
Lorne: So I am covered in cherries. The police are just pounding on the door, and Judi Dench starts screaming, "Oh, that's way too much to pay for a pair of pants!"

"Angel: Hell-Bound (#5.4)" (2003)
Lorne: [on the phone] Stop crying, stop crying. It's OK if you've put on a couple of pounds since casting. They can't just... no, no, just put the pills down. I'll straighten this out; if I can't, I'll take a handful myself.

"Angel: The Cautionary Tale of Numero Cinco (#5.6)" (2003)
Lorne: Holy tornado, it's true!
Spike: Yeah, it was amazing! Angel went right off on the mail guy.
Lorne: Oh this must've been one major smackdown!
Angel: There was no smacking!
Lorne: That's not the hubbub I'm hearing, honey buns. Word on the web has you sucker punching Grandpa Moses.
Angel: The web?
Lorne: Don't sweat it, sweetie pie. I've got my flack-catcher spinnin' this into PR gold. And once the word spreads that you beat up an innocent old man, well the truly terrible will think twice before goin' toe to toe with our Avenging Angel.
Spike: Yes. The geriatric community will be soilin' their nappies when they hear you're on the case. Bravo!

"Angel: Players (#4.16)" (2003)
Lorne: Speakin' of Pop, don't you think our re-ensouled leader should be a part of this little confab?
Angel: [walks in] Easy-Bake, flop-a-palooza, woosh, pop. I don't sculk.

"Angel: Conviction (#5.1)" (2003)
Lorne the Host: Well this is interesting. Apparently, old Joe Kennedy tried to get out of his deal with the firm.
Angel: That explains a lot.
Lorne the Host: Yeah, but, George Senior, he read the fine print.

"Angel: Long Day's Journey (#4.9)" (2003)
Gwen Raiden: [describing the Beast] Demon, okay? The whole nine. Cloven feet and horns and teeth and...
Gwen Raiden: [she sees Lorne] He wasn't wearing lamé though.
Lorne: Yeah. The evil ones can't pull it off. It gets camp.

"Angel: Time Bomb (#5.19)" (2004)
Charles Gunn: Have you talked to Wes?
Lorne: Well, we've exchanged words. I wouldn't exactly call it talking. He's still reeling since Our Lady of the Blue Bummer arrived.
Charles Gunn: Yeah, I was just in his office, and he...
Lorne: Oh, God! Don't go in there! That's where he keeps his full-strength crazy.

"Angel: Damage (#5.11)" (2004)
Angel: Start crackin' the whip.
Lorne: You got it chief.
[shouting off screen]
Lorne: Danny, we're gonna need a whip!

"Angel: Shiny Happy People (#4.18)" (2003)
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Eight legs, three heads, horns?
Lorne: Hey!
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: No offense.
Connor: Two legs, one head, no horns.
Lorne: Let me guess, green?
Angel: No. Kind of... mocha.

"Angel: Not Fade Away (#5.22)" (2004)
Lindsey McDonald: You don't trust me. You don't think a man can change?
Lorne: It's not about what I think. This was Angel's plan.
Lindsey McDonald: Come on. I could sing for you.
Lorne: I've heard you sing.
[Lorne suddenly pulls out a gun with a silencer and shoots Lindsey twice in his chest]
Lindsey McDonald: [shocked] Why... Why d'you...
Lorne: My one last job for Angel. You're not part of the solution, Lindsey. You never were.
Lindsey McDonald: YOU kill me?
[collapses to the floor]
Lindsey McDonald: A flunky? I'm not just... Angel was to kill me. You? Angel...
[goes limp]
Lorne: [sighs] Good night, folks.
[Lorne drops the gun and walks out]

"Angel: Benediction (#3.21)" (2002)
Lorne: Sometimes nothing is the best something. If a thing is meant to be sometimes it's best to just let it happen, rather than try to force it.
The Groosalugg: But if a thing is meant to be then how can it be forced?
Lorne: Well, I guess it can't.
The Groosalugg: And if a thing is not meant to be?
Lorne: Well, then it really can't.

"Angel: Disharmony (#2.17)" (2001)
Cordelia: So what do you think?
Lorne: [about her singing] I think your friend should reconsider the name "Harmony".

"Angel: Lullaby (#3.9)" (2001)
Lorne: [to Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and Fred] Here? She wants to have it here? This is a terrible idea. Can't you see I'm working my tosh off trying to get ready for a grand reopening?
[to a worker]
Lorne: Girsh entrails behind the bar, next to the maraschinos.
[back to the group]
Lorne: I can't have a baby here. I just had the booths Simonized.
Cordelia Chase: Lorne, what do you want us to do? Tell Angel and Darla they're not welcome here?
Lorne: No. No, of course not. Caritas is and will always be a sanctuary.

"Angel: Calvary (#4.12)" (2003)
[upon seeing Lilah in the hotel]
Lorne: What in the hell is Succubitch doin' here?

"Angel: Home (#4.22)" (2003)
Lorne: So it's an evil limo. I get that. But, does that mean you don't restock the cherries?

"Angel: A New World (#3.20)" (2002)
The Groosalugg: Is it dangerous? For Gunn and I can protect you.
Lorne: Well, no, it's not dangerous, it's just awkward. This guy's all hands. I mean, all hands, like fifty of 'em. Anybody fluent in sign language?

"Angel: The Girl in Question (#5.20)" (2004)
Illyria: [about the plants] I can no longer hear the song of the green.
Lorne: [to Wesley] You think that includes me?

"Angel: Double or Nothing (#3.18)" (2002)
The Groosalugg: He is very fortunate to have such a woman looking after his weapon.
Lorne: [chuckling] I'm not touchin' that one.

"Angel: Inside Out (#4.17)" (2003)
Gunn: You sayin' Pop and Mama threw you a beatin'?
Lorne: Kid Vicious did the heavy lifting. Cordy just "mwha-ha-ha-ed" at us.

"Angel: Dead End (#2.18)" (2001)
[Lindsey is singing]
Cordelia Chase: Wow, h-he's good.
Charles Gunn: Lawyer's got some pipes.
Angel: You think he's good?
Cordelia Chase: Shh!
Angel: What is that? Rock, country, ballad? Pick a style, pal.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Shh!
Lorne: Angelcakes, don't make me ask you to leave.