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] Oh my God. You will never believe what happened at school today. Buffy
: Everybody started singing and dancing? Dawn
: [pauses, deflating
] I gave birth to a pterodactyl. Anya
: Oh my God, did it sing?
[after Buffy is ordered by Giles to deal with a singing demon on her own
: Forget them slayer, I got your back. Buffy
: Thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Isn't that what you sang? Xander
: Spike sing a "widdle" song? Anya
: Would you say it was a breakaway pop hit, or more of a book number? Xander
: Let it go sweetie.
: Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful? Anya
: When I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?
: Clearly our number is a retro-pastiche that's never going to be a break-away pop hit.
] There's nothing we can't face. Anya
] Except for bunnies.
: Respect the cruller, and tame the doughnut! Anya
: That's still funny, sweetie.
] Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes. They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses. And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway? Bunnies. Bunnies. It must be bunnies!
[everyone stares at her incredulously
: Or maybe midgets.
: Will you still make me waffles when we're married? Xander
: No, I'll only make them for myself. But, by California law, you will own half of 'em.
: Somebody set people on fire? That's nuts. Anya
: I don't know. One more verse of our little ditty and I would have been looking for a gas can. Giles
: Clearly, emotions are running high. But, uh, as far as I can tell, these people burnt up from the inside; spontaneously combusted. I've only seen the one. I was able to examine the body while the police were taking witness arias.
] We have to try. We'll pay the price, it's do or die. Buffy
: Hey I've died twice.
] I've got a theory we should work this out. Xander
] It's getting eerie, what's this cheery singing all about?
: Uh, Dawn may have had the wrong idea in summoning this creature, but... I've seen some of these underworld child bride deals and, and they never end well.
: Well, maybe once.
] Will this do a thing to change her?/Am I leaving Dawn in danger?/Is my slayer too far gone to care? Xander
] What if Buffy can't defeat it? Anya
] Beady Eyes is right, we're needed!
[Looks at Willow and Tara
: Or we could just sit around and glare.
[the gang all get up and make for the door
] We'll see it through/It's what we're always here to do/So we will walk through the fire.
] And we are caught in the fire/The point of no return/So we will walk through the fire/And let it/Burn/Let it burn.
] Where do we go... from here? Buffy
] Where do we go... from here? Giles
] The battle's done/And we kind of won Tara
] So we sound our victory cheer/Where do we go from here? Xander
: Why is the path unclear/When we know home is near? Xander
] Understand we'll go hand in hand
[all join hands
: But we'll walk alone in fear.
[all release hands and walk off in different directions
] Tell me! Xander
: Where do we go from here?/When does the end appear? Spike
: [In the middle of singing "appear" he suddenly stops and speaks
] Bugger this.
: [about her duet with Xander, "I'll Never Tell"
] It's just, clearly our number is a retro pastiche that's never going to be a breakaway pop hit.
: You're never gonna believe what just happened in school today! Anya
: Everybody started singing and dancing? Dawn Summers
] I gave birth to a pterodactyl. Anya
: Oh my god. Was it singing?
: Hey, can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis? Anya
: It'll make you blind and insane, but it won't kill you. The smallpox will.
: So what do we do now? Willow
: Well, we could stay here and stand watch, or, I just thought...
[Angel steps out of the dark next to them
: Willow. Xander
] Angel? Anya
: [Anya runs her eyes coolly up and down Angel
] So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he? Xander
: He's evil again. Angel
: I-I'm-I'm not evil again! Why does everyone think that? Willow
: Angel's here to protect Buffy. Angel
: I haven't been evil for a long time!
[Angel saves the lives of Willow and Anya by snapping a villain's neck
: [admiringly, to Willow
] What's he like when he *is* evil?
[watching Xander dig
: Soon he'll be sweating. I'm imagining having sex with him again. Buffy
: Imaginary Xander is quite the machine.
: You're a strange girlfriend. Anya
: I'm a girlfriend? Xander
: Um... there's a chance I'm delirious.
: I love a ritual sacrifice. Buffy
: Not really a one of those. Anya
: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice. With pie.
: [about Xander
] Look at him. Have you ever seen anything so masculine? Buffy
: You mean Dean Guerrero or his wife?
: [Deciding who should warn the dean
] I'll go. I need the air. Buffy
: Not alone. Anya
: I'll go. Xander
: Me, too. Buffy
: Sure you're up to it? Spike
: Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead. Xander
: [Getting up
] I'm up to it.
: [about their meeting with the dean
] I think he thought we were crazy. Willow
: Maybe if Anya hadn't opened the conversation with, "Everybody got both ears?" Anya
: I liked his wife. She gave me pie.
: I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon, and you look like you're getting all of them.
: [At the stove stirring a pot
] Uh, how much butter goes in with these? Buffy
: About half a stick and a quarter cup of brandy.
: You do have brandy, don't you? Giles
] What? Oh, yes. Um, on the bookcase Spike
: I wouldn't say no to a brandy. Buffy
: [Ignoring Spike, talking to Giles
] What's wrong? Giles
: The victims. Apart from Xander, Hus has targeted authority figures. Father Gabriel, the curator of the cultural center. Who else fits this pattern? Spike
: Just a small brandy.
: Besides, Russia was ready to explode. All we did is just give it a little push.
: You don't understand. This isn't an intervention. Buffy's coming to kill you. Anya
: [grim tone
] She's coming to try. Xander
: Did everybody have their crazy flakes today?
: [in Swedish; subtitled
] The rapid reproductive rate of our rabbits has given me an idea. I can give the excess out to the townspeople, exchanging them not for goods or services, but for goodwill and the sense of accomplishment that stems from selflessly giving of yourself to others. Olaf
: [in Swedish
] Ha, ha, ha. Sweet Aud! Your logic is insane and happenstance, like that of a troll.
] I've boned a troll I've wreaked some wrath, but on the whole I've had no path, I like to bowl I'm good with math but who am I? Now I reply that- I'm the missus.
[Anya is human
: I don't talk to people much. I mean, I talk to them, but they don't talk to me, except to say that, "your questions are irksome," and, "perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river".
: What would I have to do? D'Hoffryn
: What you do best. Help wronged women punish evil men. Anya
: Vengeance. D'Hoffryn
: But only to those who deserve it. Anya
] They all deserve it. D'Hoffryn
: Well, that's where I was goin' with that, yeah.
] I'm the Mrs. I will be his missus. Mrs. Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins Harris.
] And I'll be Mrs. I will be his missus. Mrs. Anya Lame-Ass-Made-Up-Maiden-Name Harris.
: This is getting to be a pattern with you, Buffy. Are there any friends of your left you haven't tried to kill? C'mon, Buffy, don't you have a clever retort for me?
[after D'Hoffryn has Halfrek killed instead of Anya to restore the lives of her victims
: [hard and angry tone
] Who did you think you were dealing with? Did you think it would be that easy to get away? Anya
: Why? D'Hoffryn
: Why? Because you WISHED IT! Anya
: But she was yours. D'Hoffryn
: The way you were mine? Haven't I tough you anything... Anya? Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain!
[Xander angrily is about to rush at D'Hoffryn when Buffy is trying to restrain him from doing so
: Why you son of a... Buffy
: Xander, no! D'Hoffryn
: [to Buffy
] Hold him back, Slayer! Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt?
: I don't care about Halfrek now. I've got plenty of girls. Plenty of vengeance demons. There will always be vengeance demons in this world and others. But not you, Anya. You're out! Your insecurity with vengeance has just cost your powers and immortality... again. But congratulations anyway. Your wish is granted. The lives of those frat boys are now restored. Anya
: You should have killed me. D'Hoffryn
] Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. "From beneath you, it devours." Be patient. All good things in time.
[D'Hoffryn teleports away
Olaf the Troll
: You... told the witch to do that, Anyanka. You seem determined to put an end to all my fun. Just like you always did when we were dating!
[Buffy, Willow, Xander, Tara and Spike look at Anya in disbelief
: Uh, um... Xander Harris
: You dated him? Buffy
: You dated a troll? Willow
: And we're what, surprised by this?
: Um, Anya, while-while I completely trust you, uh, uh-uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um, dealing with people requires a certain, uh, finesse. Anya
: I have finesse. I have finesse coming out of my bottom. I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles and-and bribe him with money and goods.
: You're referencing literature I have no way to be familiar with. You're trying to make me feel left out. And you're stealing. Willow
: I'm not stealing. I-I-I'm just taking things without paying for them. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?
: Come on, it'll be fun. We could show you how to do some stuff. Y-You could be floating pencils by the end of the day. Anya
: Sometimes I miss having powers... Oh. Oh! I know what this is. This is peer pressure! Any second now you're gonna make me smoke tobacco and-and have drugs.
: I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you, and your lips. Willow
: No, it was not! Well, yes, it was so, but, uh, that was a long time ago. Do you think I'd do that again? Anya
: Why not? Willow
: Well, hello? Gay now.
[the gang is fighting a troll
: How can I help? Willow
: Uh, distract him from Buffy. Uh, piss him off. Anya
: I don't know how. Willow
: Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.
: If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second 'No! The red one!' and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?
: I can just hear you in private. "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human, and strangely literal". Willow
: What? I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks that way.
: I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine. Xander
: Anya, play nice. Anya
: You know, fine, take her side instead of mine even though I'm the one who sleeps with you, and feeds you, bathes you... Willow
: [looking disturbed
] She bathes you? Xander
: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way. Not in a sponge-bath-y, geriatric sort of... Rupert Giles
: Please. Stop, I beg of you.
: We have to see the chimp playing hockey. That's hilarious. The ice is so slippery, and-and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this.
: It's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink. Xander
: No, no, no. That's not - that's not - that's not it at all. They just need time to, um, be tender. Relax. Anya
: He's not very convincing, is he?
: [about the excess chicken's feet
] Maybe we could do a holiday promotion: One free with every purchase. Rupert Giles
: Oh, yeah. Dear holiday memories. Merry tikes by the fire enjoying their new Christmas chicken feet. Willow
: Ah, holding them tight as they fall asleep; painting their little toenails.
: [to the gang
] Have a nice day. Don't get killed.
: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling I'm the slayer! I'm going to get you! Anya
: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred. You'll end up badly. Dawn Summers
: No, it was great. I mean, she didn't actually stake me in the heart, you know. Xander
: Buffy's pretty cool like that.
: What a day. Gimme a beer. Waiter
[Anya glares at him
: ID. Anya
: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old. Just gimme a frickin' beer! Waiter
: ID. Anya
] Gimme a Coke.
: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace. Willow
: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?
: Uh, Willow? Willow
: Uh, hi. Anya
: Anya. I'm sort of new here. Um, I know Cordelia. Willow
: Oh, fun. Anya
: Yeah, uh, listen, I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if... Willow
: Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog-geyser-person.
: Ok, let's get to the killing. Why don't we start with her? Anya
: Why don't we start with you? If she's a vampire, then I'm the creature from the Black Lagoon.
: A human? Oh, yeah? Could a human do this?
[screams in a high pitch
: Sure. Yeah. Humans do that, yeah. Alfonse
: Yeah, I think yeah.
: Okay, that's a little blacker than I like my arts. Anya
: Oh, don't be such a wimp. Willow
: That-that-that wasn't just some temporal fold, that was some weird hell place. I don't think you're telling me everything.
: For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe and now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High! Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math.
: I'm the Slayer. The one with the power. And the First has me using that power to dig our graves. I've been carrying you - all of you - too far, too long. Ride's over. Kennedy
: You're out of line! Willow
: No, she's not. Kennedy
: You're gonna let her talk to you like that? Willow, she's not even the most powerful one in this room. With you here, she's not close. Buffy Summers
: You're new here, and you're wrong. Because I use the power that I have. The rest of you are just waiting for me. Xander
: Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You're our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the." Buffy Summers
: Well, from now on, I'm your leader as in "do what I say." Xander
: Ja wohl! But let's not try to forget, we're also your friends. Anya
: I'm not. Buffy Summers
: Then why are you here? Aside from getting rescued, what is it that you do? Anya
: I provide much needed... sarcasm. Xander
: Um, that'd... kinda be my job, actually.
: What was that about an exchange?
[an enormous demon appears where Buffy had been
: Ah, this must be the exchange student.
: You've got the magic, use it. Willow
: Wh-I-I-I don't even know what magic to use. Kennedy
: Why not just try all 32 flavors. Worst thing that happens is you go brunette. Willow
: That's not the worst thing that can happen. Anya
: She's right. And you know we have a choice. We can risk Willow's life and the rest of our lives to get Buffy back, or we leave her out there. Principal Robin Wood
: If we play it safe back here, Buffy could stay lost. Anya
: You missed her "everyone sucks but me" speech. If she's so superior, let her find her own way back.
: Willow, how would you get Buffy back? Willow
: That's what I'm saying. I don't even know. Dawn Summers
: Okay, but if another witch was to do it, where would she start? Willow
: Uh, physics, principles, basic laws... Dawn Summers
: Such as? Willow
: Uh, conservation of energies. You can't really create or destroy anything, just transfer.
] Dawn Summers
: I'm sorry, are you helping? Anya
: No. But at least I'm not galloping off in the wrong direction. Willow
: Magic works off physics. Anya
: Not without a catalyst. If you're talking about transferring energies, you need some kind of conduit.
: It's like we live in Slayer Central. I swear, i-if Buffy rooms or boards one more of the potential girls, I'm gonna call a - I'm gonna call a health inspector. Spike
: I like my plan better. Get up, get out, get drunk, repeat as needed. It's just more elegant.
: These things are shadow-casters. You put them in motion, and they tell you a story.
[references the book
] Dawn Summers
: It says you can't just watch, you have to see. Anya
: What the hell does that mean? Xander
: It's cryptic. I don't like it. Every time instructions get cryptic, someone gets hurt-usually me.
: [practicing a quick-draw with a stake
] The quick-draw is about more than speed. It's also about pointing the stake the right way. And, there can be splinter issues. It is a true test of dexterity. Anya
: [re milk carton
] Can you open this? Xander Harris
: No, I tear it and it gets all sloshy.
[Giles and company are researching old magic books
] Riley Finn
: These spells, these really work? I mean, can you really "turn your enemies inside out"? Or "learn to excrete gold coins"? Anya
: That one's not so much fun. Willow Rosenberg
: They work, Riley. But they take concentration, being attuned with the forces of the universe. Xander Harris
: Right. You can't just go "librum incendere" and expect...
[Xander's book bursts into flames and he slams it shut, extinguishing it
] Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
: Did anyone else feel way too tall? I felt *way* too tall. Xander Harris
: I liked his clothes. He had really cool clothes. Willow Rosenberg
: I still don't understand how he got the house and everything. Anya
: And who really did star in The Matrix? Riley Finn
: Wait! That wasn't real either?
: Anya, when you were a demon, you granted wishes, right? Anya
: Vengeance wishes on ex-boyfriends. I'd wish he was a dog, or ugly, or in love with President McKinley or something. Buffy
: But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That's possible? Anya
: Sure, alternate realities. You could, uh, could have like a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make like a-a freaky world where Jonathan's like some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there!
: Anya, tell them about the alternate universes. Anya
: Oh, okay. Umm... Say you really like shrimp a lot. Or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp," you'd say to yourself... Buffy
: Stop! You're saying it wrong. I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world, and we're all like his pawns. Anya
: Or prawns. Buffy
: Stop with the shrimp! I am trying to do something here!
: Did not. Xander
: Last night. With me. You said "Jonathan". Anya
: It was a moan! Xander
: Fine. You moaned "Jonathan". Anya
: [shaking her head
] Uh-uh! It was like, "ahhh-n". Xander
: Maybe it was "Ahh-nathan". Still not fluffin' up the old ego.
: There was this other apocalypse this one time. And, well, I took off. But this time, I don't... I don't know. Andrew
: Well, what's different? Anya
: Well, I guess I was kinda new to being around humans before. And now I've seen a lot more, gotten to know people, seen what they're capable of and I guess I just realize how amazingly... screwed up they all are. I mean, really, really screwed up in a monumental fashion. Andrew
: Oh. Anya
: And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die. Which they-they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane, and yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting. But they do. They never... They never quit. And so I guess I will keep fighting, too.
[Anya takes a swig from a bottle
: Hey. We're supposed to use that to sterilize wounds. Mr. Giles said. Anya
: Come on, what does it really matter?
[Anya hands the bottle to Andrew
: Hmm. Good point.
[Andrew takes a swig
: Giles knows his single malt antiseptics.
: You are the perfect woman. Anya
: I've often thought so.
: Oh, and there's a box of ointment, here. I used one of these on a rash once. Anya
: Oh, show me. Andrew
: Well, i-i-it's healed up, but it was red and crusty with these little itchy places... Anya
: Show me the box full of ointments, you little freak.
: That was kinda beautiful. You-you love humans. Anya
: I do not. Andrew
: Yes, you do. You loooove them. Anya
: Stop it! I don't love them and I'll kill you if you tell anybody.
: I don't know. You might survive. Andrew
: No, *you* might survive. You know how to handle a weapon, and-and you've been in this world for, like, a thousand years. I'm not so... I don't think I'll be okay. I'm cool with it. I think I'd like to finish out as one of those lame humans trying to do what's right. Anya
: Yeah. Andrew
: So, wheelchair fight?
: We'll get our memory back, and it'll all be right as rain. Spike
: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... bloody hell. Spike
: [Counting on his fingers
] Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks. Oh, God. I'm English. Giles
: Welcome to the nancy tribe. Spike
: You don't suppose you and I... we're not related, are we? Anya
: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance. Giles
: A-And you do inspire a, um, particular feeling of familiarity and... disappointment. Older brother? Spike
: [snorts; with certainty
] Father. Oh, God, how I must hate you. Giles
] What did *I* do?
: Slay someone? A female someone. Who do those jerks think they are? Anya
: Bloodsuckers. They kill by sucking blood. Take it easy, Joan.
: What? I-I'm, just saying what everyone's thinking. Right, baby? Xander Harris
: You are attractive, and have many good qualities.
: Well, maybe we all got... terribly drunk and this is some sort of, uh, blackout. Dawn
] I don't think I drink. Anya
: I-I don't see any booze. I don't feel any head bumps.
: I don't see Allen Funt.
: [after Anya has created chaos in the Magic Box by randomly saying spells
] Look what you've done, you lunatic woman! Anya
: Don't blame me, you snobby, snotty, thinks he's so great kind of jerk... and I feel compelled to take some vengeance on you!
: God, no wonder I'm leaving you! Anya
: What? Giles
[pulls out the plane ticket
: One-way ticket to London, and out of this engagement! Anya
: Of all the nerve!
: Anya, you're a vengeance demon. Just teleport. Anya
: Well, as it turns out, teleporting isn't a right, it's a privilege. I withdrew a vengeance spell last week, and this is my punishment. I can only teleport for official business. I have to file a flight plan and everything.
: Here's something you should know about vengeance demons. We don't groove with the "sorry". We prefer "Oh God, please stop hitting me with my own rib bones".
: Spike's insane in the basement. Xander's there doing construction there on the new gym... Willow
: Wait. Spike's what in the what-ment? Anya
: Insane. Base.
: When did you get all insightful? Anya
: I'm surprisingly sensitive. Willow
: So, will you help me? Anya
: Is it difficult or time-consuming?
[Anya and Willow are about to do a spell
: This isn't gonna get all sexy, is it? Willow
: I'd be shocked.
: Well, causing pain sounds really cool, I know, but... it turns out it's... really upsetting. Didn't used to be. But, now it is. Willow
: Is it like you're scared of losing that feeling again, and that having it be okay to hurt people, and then you're not in charge of the power anymore, because it's in charge of you? Anya
: Wow. That was... really over-dramatically stated, but, yeah, that's it.
[as the group ponders how to stop Glory
: Okay, but I'm still not hearing enough ideas. She's a God, let's think outside the box. Spike
: Why don't you go think outside the bleeding box. Giles
: Yes, Anya. Apart from your incredibly uninfectious enthusiasm have you anything else to contribute? Anya
: The Dagon Sphere. Giles
: Sorry? Anya
: When Buffy first met Glory she found that magical, glowy sphere that was meant to repel Glory. We've got it in the basement. It might drive her away or hurt her. Oh. And Olaf the troll god's enchanted hammer. You wanna fight a god, use the weapon of a god. Spike
: Nah, that thing's too heavy to...
[Buffy easily picks up the hammer
: Yeah, good. Buffy
: I like this. Thanks. Anya
: Here to help. Wanna live.
: Hey, I happen to be... Spike
: A glorified bricklayer? Xander
: I'm also a swell bowler. Anya
: Has his own shoes. Spike
: The gods themselves do tremble.
: I think we're gonna get through this. I think I'm gonna live a long, and silly life, and I'm not interested in doing that without you around. Anya
: Oh. Okay. Xander
: Okay? Anya
: Yes. I mean, yes. No. Xander
: No? Anya
: After. Give it to me when the world doesn't end.
: You're proposing to me 'cause we're gonna die. And-and you think it's romantic and sexy and-and you know you're not gonna have to go through with it 'cause the world's gonna end. Xander
: I'm proposing to you, Anya, because it's not.
: It's an omen! It's a higher power trying to tell me through bunnies that we're all gonna die! Oh god!
: I'm, I was about to be dead. You saved me. Buffy
: For the time being. But if you don't tell us what we need to know, then I'm gonna offer you to The First on a platter and let him chop you into tiny pieces. Andrew
: The first what? Anya
: The name of the evil thing that pretended to be Warren to get you to kill Jonathan. Andrew
: Oh. Not very ominous-sounding. Dawn
: No, it is if you understand the context. Andrew
: No, an evil name should be like Lex or Voldemort or... Buffy
: Hey! I was intimidating here. Andrew
: Oh, sorry. Um, go ahead. Buffy
] Forget it. Where's the seal?
[presenting Buffy with secret Council files
: When I learned what was happening, I-I, um, I stole them. Anya
: And you blew the Council up. See, this is what happens when you're all stuffy and repressed, you overreact.
: We need more muscle. That's why we need to find Spike. Anya
: Yeah, he'll help. You know, if he's not crazy or off killing people or dead. Or, you know, all of the above.
: Are you sure this thing called itself The First? Buffy
: Pretty sure. It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else. Anya
: Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad, baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?"
[everyone stares at her
: Or terrified. Whatever. Buffy
: It wasn't a line.
: That's what's left, the mystic secrets of the Watchers, and whatever I could find on The First. When I learned what was happening, I-I, um, I stole them. Anya
: And you blew the Council up! See, this is what happens when you're all stuffy and repressed: you overreact. Giles
: Not-I didn't. Must've been an agent of The First, after my little burglary session. The knowledge contained in these files had to be protected...
: Did you find out anything about the scythe? Buffy
: It slices, dices, and makes julienne preacher. Giles
: Caleb? Buffy
: I cut him in half. Willow
: All right! Anya
: He had that coming. Xander
: Hey, party in my eye socket, and everyone's invited.
[everyone stares at Xander
: Sometimes I shouldn't say words.
[preparing to face the onslaught of übervamps
: Oh, God. I'm terrified. I-I didn't think - I mean, I - I just figured you'd be terrified, and I would be sarcastic about it. Andrew
: Picture happy things. A lake, candycanes, bunnies... Anya
] Bunnies! Floppy, hoppy, bunnies!
: Come on, let's go assemble the cannon fodder. Xander
: That's not what we're calling 'em, sweetie. Anya
: Not to their faces. What am I, insensitive?
: We will defend it with our very lives. Anya
: Yes, we will defend it with his very life. Xander
: And don't be afraid to use him as a human shield. Anya
: Good. Yes. Thanks.
: I just wanna say how proud I am to die for this very special cause with you guys. There's some, um - There's people I'd like to thank, both good and evil. Um, a shout out to my brother, Tucker, who gave me the inspiration to summon demons and also... Anya
: Nobody cares, you little monkey.
: Willow, you're a gay woman... and *he* isn't. Willow
: This isn't about his physical presence, it's about his heart. Anya
: His physical presence has a penis. Willow
: I can work around it.
: Well, I have skills. I can prove my love with magic. Anya
: Yeah, right. What are you gonna do? Use magic to make him into a girl?
[Willow's face lights up
: I guess you guys could use my help. W-Willow's not very good with the practical strategizing, except when she's evil.
: Well, you're gonna have to do better than that. I'd kill for him. Willow
: You'd kill for a chocolate bar.
: Damn love spell. I have tried every anti-love spell spell I can find. Anya
: Even if you found the right one, the guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love spell spell... spell.
: Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny-worshippers. Anya
: Great. Thank you very much for those nightmares.
: You sold someone a Khul's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone. Rupert Giles
: Yes, I believe I did. Anya
: Are you stupid or something? Rupert Giles
: Allow me to answer that question with a firing.
: I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter. Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!
: [researching Glory
] Oh yeah, this has been fruitful. Trying to look up something you... never saw and don't know the name of. Anya
: Just do what I do: flip through the pages and look busy. Willow Rosenberg
: It'd be nice if we knew where she was, where she's hiding out. Xander Harris
: No doubt lurking around some sewer or condemned church or rat-infested warehouse - you know, the usual haunts.
[cut to: a beautiful, well-appointed apartment. Glory reclines on a round bed surrounded by shoeboxes
: [practicing her wedding vows
] I, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, to honor you, ah, but NOT to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who you do you think you are, like a sea captain o-or something?
: [trying to stall the wedding while Willow searches for Xander
] There's just gonna be a little bit of a delay. Anya
: Why? What's wrong? Buffy
: Nothing! Nothing's wrong, i-it's just, um, it's the-the minister. He had, uh, to go and perform an emergency C-section. Anya
] C-section? Buffy
] Yeah, ya know. He-He's, uh, not-not just a minister, he-he's also a-a doctor. You know, he's half minister, half doctor. He's a-a, uh, minitor. Not, of course, to be confused with a Minotaur, because he's all, you know, manness, doctor minister man. No-no bull parts whatsoever. Anya
[Anya practices her wedding vows
: I, Anya, promise to cherish you... Ew, no, not cherish. Uh, I promise to have sex with you whenever... *I* want, and, uh, uh, pledge to be your friend, your wife, and your confidant, and your sex poodle... Tara Maclay
: Uh, sex poodle? Anya
: Yeah, why? Tara Maclay
: Um, I'm not sure you should say 'sex poodle' in your vows.
: Okay. For the last time. I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because I love you and I'll always love you. And before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. Not even a person, really. And I had seen what love could do to people, and it was hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then, suddenly there was you, and... you knew me. You saw me, and it was this... thing. You make me feel safe and warm. So, I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do.
: They were talking about me, just like everybody is. Xander
: Again, not so much. In fact, none. Anya
: We were talking about sex. I mean, you know us, sometimes we like to pretend stuff... Joyce
: Um... Xander
: Anya. Anya
: You know, like, say there's a fireman, or a shepherd... Buffy
: You know what? Let's not have this exchange of images right now.
: [to Dawn
] You make a very pretty little girl! Xander
: [trying to shut Anya up
] Anya, you wanna help me with that thing? Anya
: Heh heh. Xander needs help with his "thing".
: We're goin' up against a god. An actual, mightier-than-thou god. Willow Rosenberg
: Well, you know what they say: The bigger they are... Anya
: The faster they stomp you into nothing.
: [holding the frilly dress Buffy received
] Oh, it's just so lovely! Ooh, I wish it was mine!
[the group gives her a funny look
: Oh, like you weren't all thinking the same thing! Giles
: I'm fairly certain I wasn't.
[whispers to Xander
: I've got one just like it.
: I care if you live or die, Xander. I'm just not sure which one I want. Xander
: Again with the comfort. Look, we both know things might get ugly at, uh, Wiccapalooza and if it gets really bad... Anya
: Let me guess: you'll propose? Xander
: I need to know if you're gonna turn on me, use this little shindig as an excuse for some sweet revenge. Anya
: There is nothing in this world that would give me greater or more lasting satisfaction than to reap bloody vengeance upon you, Xander Harris, but I can't. Not officially. Not magically. So, smile. It's your lucky day. You got away with it. I can't hurt you. Xander
: Right, 'cause you varnishing the table with Spike - how could that possibly have hurt? It may have chaffed... Anya
: That wasn't vengeance. It was solace.
: Hey, now, play nice fellas, or you'll break our concentration. Anya
: Which means, no protection spell. Xander
: And Willow will make you two boneless chickens skinless, too. Andrew Wells
: And then what? You think your little witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her. She's a truck driving, magic mama! And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers. And not one of you bunch has the midi-chlorians to stop her. Xander
: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?
: I think I'm gonna be sick. Anya
: Again? Buffy Summers
: Xander, we don't have time to stop. Xander
: I know it's just... what happened back there. The sight... the sounds of it... the smell... Willow did that. Buffy Summers
: I know. That's why we have to keep moving. You heard what she said, "one down". Anya
: She was talking about two to go, right? Jonathan and... what's his face? That other guy... Buffy Summers
: Andrew. They're sitting at the county jail without a clue Willow's coming for them. Xander
: You don't think she's gonna kill them too? She wouldn't. It doesn't make sense. They're not the ones who killed Tara. Warren did that all by himself. Buffy Summers
: Willow's got an addictive personality. She just tasted blood. She could be there already! Anya
: No, she couldn't. A witch at her level... she can only go airborne. It's the thing you saw... it's more flashy, impresses the locals, but it does take longer. Xander
: Longer then what? Anya
[in an instant, Anya disappears before them
: How...? Right... of course. I forgot. Vengeance demon. Well, at least Anya will get there first. Buffy Summers
: I'm counting the ways that can go wrong.
: Listen to me. We have to get you two out of here or you'll both be killed. Guard! Jonathan Levinson
: What's going on? Andrew Wells
: Stop that! I don't trust her. Do you trust her? This is major uncool. Jonathan Levinson
: Anya, you're gonna have to break this down for us a little. Anya
: Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive, Tara's dead. Willow found out and being the most powerful wicca in the western hemisphere decided to get payback... with interest. Andrew Wells
: Wh... what about Warren? Anya
: She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and the two of you are next. Andrew Wells
: Oh my God! Warren! Jonathan Levinson
: Oh my God! Me!
: What? Xander
: That's your scary costume? Anya
: Bunnies frighten me.
: You haven't called. Not once. Xander
: You said you were over me. Anya
: And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear. Xander
: That's the funny thing about me, I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value. Anya
: That's stupid. Xander
: I accept that.
: We were supposed to meet at this house, and I got there and there was no door where a door should be. And then I see this girl standing in a window, and then poof! She's gone. Giles
: She vanished from the window? Anya
: No, the window vanished from the house.
: [Outside the Frat house where the front door has magically disappeared
] Well? Giles
: We're gonna have to create a door. Anya
: Create a door. You can do that? Giles
: [Picks up a chainsaw
] I can.
: Men like sports. I'm sure of it. Xander
: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?
: I'm sorry, uh, Lohesh was a four-winged soul killer, am I right? I was given to understand that they're not that fierce. Of all the demons we've faced... Anya
: You've never seen a demon. Buffy
: Uh, excuse me, killing them professionally four years running. Anya
: All the demons that walk the Earth, are tainted, are human hybrids, like vampires. The Ascension means that a human becomes pure demon. They're different. Giles
: Different? Buffy
: How? Anya
: Well, for one thing, they're bigger.
: You're going to die if you stay here. Xander
: I guess I might. Anya
: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit. Xander
: Welcome to the world of romance. Anya
: It's horrible. No wonder I used to get so much work.
: About eight hundred years ago, in the Kaskov valleys above the Urals, there was a sorcerer there who achieved Ascension, became the embodiment of the demon Lohesh. I was there cursing a shepherd who'd been unfaithful. His wife had wished that all his sheep would lie wi... Buffy
: Can we cut back to the chase? Anya
: Oh, sorry. Um, Lohesh was... it-it decimated the village within hours. Maybe three people got out.
: D'Hoffryn, he made me a demon eleven hundred and twenty years ago.
: I'd been dumped, I was miserable. Doing a few vengeance spells - boils on the penis, nothing fancy. Xander
: Please skip ahead. Anya
: Well, D'Hoffryn got wind of me, he offered to elevate me. Buffy
: Meaning? Anya
: They made me a demon.
: Jeez. You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh. Anya
: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her. Xander
: That's sweet.
: Giles is blind?
[Xander starts waving his hand in front of Giles' face
: Stop, whatever you're doing. Y-You smell like Fruit Roll-Ups.
: This shouldn't be about blame. Buffy
: Blame? There's blame now? Willow Rosenberg
: No, there's only love. And some fear. Anya
: We're just kind of thrown by the you-having-sex-with-Spike. Buffy
: The who-whatting-how-with-huh? Anya
: Okay, that's denial. That usually comes before anger. Buffy
: I am not having sex with Spike! Anya
: And Anya. How is your money? Anya
: Fine. Thank you for asking.
: Buffy's gone insane. Willow Rosenberg
: What? What'd she do? Xander
: Brace yourself. You're not gonna believe it. Tara
: Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I-I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night. Anya
: Buffy's boinking Spike. Willow Rosenberg
: Oh. Well, Tara-Tara's right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn't judge... Tara
: What, are you kidding? She's nuts.
: Sometimes, in the movies, when they go crazy, they slap 'em. Xander
: I'm gonna go find her and talk to her. If she's losing it, we gotta help her before she gets herself hurt. Tara
: You aren't really gonna slap her, are you? Xander
: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again I will definitely knock myself unconscious.
: The photographs o-of us. They changed. Tara Maclay
: How did they change? Buffy
: They were dead. I-I mean, we were dead, like, um, dead bodies. But-but then they were okay. So I just, you know, figured it was me. I was going crazy. Anya
: Well, maybe you are going crazy, from hell.
[Willow and Xander look at her incredulously
: No. You're fine.
: Xander, drive faster! Xander
: I can't. Dawn
: I could drive faster, and I can't drive. Anya
: She's right. You're like a snail, a snail who's driving a car very slowly. Come on, give it the lead foot. We gotta help Buffy with that demon you sent after her. Xander
: I did not send the demon. I was possessed. The demon used me to eavesdrop on our conversation. Anya
: Great, so now what? We have to talk in some sort of anti-demon secret code? Xander
: Ood-gay idea-yay An-yay.
: Very bad. Very, very, very bad. Bad. Anya
: He's all traumatized.
: Um, hot chocolate for Dawn. You're too young for coffee. Dawn
] Idiot. Anya
: You can have my coffee.
: So Maggie sends me down into the sewers with one of those Blasto-guns. And the next thing I know, it's raining monsters. Xander Harris
: Hallelujah. Buffy
: And then this gate slams down behind me and I, I try to use the gun but it goes pfft. Rupert Giles
: You're saying that Maggie Walsh set you up? Buffy
: That's exactly what I'm saying. She sent me on a one-way recon. Spike
: Got to hand it to you, Goldilocks - you do have bleeding tragic taste in men. I've got a cousin married to a regurgitating Frovalox demon that's got better instincts than you. Buffy
: What does my taste in men have to do with this? Spike
: You think Riley was out knitting booties for your future offspring while Maggie stringing you up? Buffy
: You guys think Riley had something to do with this? Rupert Giles
: Probably not. But we'd be remiss if we didn't think through all the possibilities. Buffy
: Right. Remiss. No! No, Maggie made sure that he was nowhere around when she sent me on this very special make-Buffy-dead assignment. Willow Rosenberg
: Plus, Riley - he seems like he wouldn't tell a little white lie, let alone a whole bunch of big dirty ones. Xander Harris
: That's why they call it the secret forces, Will, 'cause they kinda keep the whole lying thing to themselves. Buffy
: All I know is that Maggie has it in for me, which means the Initiative has it in for me. Xander Harris
: I'm guessing the mad scientist isn't too keen on the fact that the entire Scooby Gang knows that the Initiative is up to no good. Buffy
: Which brings us back to the not-safe-for-any-of-us concept. Rupert Giles
: What could have happened to make Professor Walsh want to kill you? Buffy
: I don't know. She wasn't keen on the fact that I was asking a lot of questions, that's for sure. Anya
: So you were getting too close to something. Rupert Giles
: Clearly. Although one can only imagine what she'd be so desperate to hide.
: [waking up after a sleepover
] Must we have the noise? My head is splitting! Willow Rosenberg
: Well, look who's Cranky Bear in the morning. Rupert Giles
: Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball. Anya
: Every time you moved, it made squeaky noises. It was irritating. Rupert Giles
: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring. Buffy
: OK, you guys, could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage.
: I know something went down. Umph. Tell me. Buffy
: Maggie tried to kill me. Anya
: It didn't work, but they're all upset anyway.
: Everybody grab a weapon. We've gotta move.
[Buffy hands Xander an axe and Anya a grappling hook
] Xander Harris
: Storm the Initiative. Yeah, let's take on those suckers! Buffy
: I was thinking more that we'd hide. Xander Harris
: Oh, thank God. Rupert Giles
: I think perhaps we should talk about this. Buffy
: We need to relocate someplace we're less likely to be found. We need to come up with a plan. Willow Rosenberg
: We could go to my place. Buffy
: The Initiative guys know how close we are. They'll automatically check the places that you hang out. Xander, what about your basement? The guys haven't seen us together that much and there's enough room. Willow Rosenberg
: Ooh! Plus mirrored ball. Xander Harris
: Cool! Come on down and boogie at Xander's hideaway. Rupert Giles
: Absolutely not! I will not squat in that dank hole. Spike
: What, it was good enough for me, but you're above it all? Rupert Giles
: Precisely. Besides, I-I don't see why we can't stay right where we are. Pfft. It's very unlikely that those Initiative boys are going to come round here to look for, uh...
] Riley Finn
: Buffy! God, Buffy, are you ok? What happened? Buffy
: You know? Xander Harris
: I know something went down. Umph. Tell me. Buffy
: Maggie tried to kill me. Anya
: It didn't work, but they're all upset anyway. Riley Finn
: Okay, listen, I need you to go over everything step by step. There has to be, has to be some kind of mistake. Xander Harris
: There was no mistake. And how do you know something happened? Riley Finn
: I was on a mission but I came back and... I'm not sure... Look, let's just keep our heads and not jump to any...
[Riley stops and stares at Spike
: For God's sakes, Andrew, you've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing? Andrew Wells
: Entertaining and educating. Anya
: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?
[Anya drags Andrew and his videocam out of the bathroom
] Andrew Wells
: But the story needs to be told. Anya
: Birds need to fly, and girls need to use the toilet, and why were you videotaping yourself, anyway? Sounds like kinky business to me. Andrew Wells
: The world's gonna want to know about Buffy. It's a story of ultimate triumph, tainted with the bitterness for what's been lost in the struggle. It's a legacy for future generations. Anya
: If there are any. Buffy seems to think that this apocalypse is going to actually be, you know, apocalyptic. I think your, your story seems pretty pointless. Andrew Wells
: Oh. I was gonna interview you later today, 'cause, you know, your unique perspective on the whole thing. Give it editorial balance and, uh, glamour... Anya
: Oh, well, balance is important. People don't always take that into account. I could bring that to you. Absolutely.
[Andrew is videotaping the morning's activities in the Summers kitchen
: It's morning in Sunnydale, and the women of Command Central take the time to fortify themselves for the day ahead. Xander Harris
: Hey! Andrew
: Women and Xander. Hey, I'm gonna do your special intro later. "The man who is the heart of the Slayer Machine." Xander Harris
] Yeah? The heart? Andrew
: Things are tense in Command Central this morning. Buffy is clearly concerned with some unknown danger, and the air is filled with foreboding. Dawn Summers
: Oh, um, w-we're out of Raisin Bran. Anya
: I'll put it on the list. Andrew
: That's probably not the unknown danger.
: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?
: Well, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, whoa, I'm eleven hundred years old. I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans. Tara
: Well, I go online sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad. It's depressing.
: I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope.
: She speaks with a strange evenness, and selects her words a shade too precisely.
: [At the magic shop, Anya hands a paper bag to a customer, smiling
] Thank you for coming. We value your patronage.
[Yelling after the departing customer
: Please come again for more purchases! Rupert Giles
: Could we please be a little less effusive, Anya? Don't want to frighten the people Anya
: I'm just so excited. They come in, I help them... they give us money in exchange for goods... you give me money for working for you... I have a place in the world now. I'm part of the system.
: I'm a working gal. Rupert Giles
] Yes. Well, why don't you start organizing the shipping orders. Anya
: Oh, no, that's boring. I just want to do the money parts.
: [about helping Buffy clear her Residence room
] But we just helped her move the stuff in a few days ago...
[turns and sees Buffy
: ... and it was fun! Rupert Giles
: [Reading a book
] People help each other out, Anya. It's one of our strange customs. Buffy Summers
: Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping. Rupert Giles
: Well, I saw myself in more of a... patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling.
[Smiles. Looks to his left, points and scowls
] Rupert Giles
: You two, stop that!
: Well. I hope you'll all be happy hanging out with a disgusting demon. Anya
: [Raises her hand
] E-excuse me. What kind? Cousin Beth
: What? Anya
: What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil.
: And some have been considered to be useful members of society.
: I need you to take Spike for a few days. Xander
: What? Spike
: What? Anya
: What? Spike
: I'm not stayin' with him. Giles
: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone. Anya
: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend? Giles
: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
: How could you say I'm using you? Anya
: You don't care about what I think, you don't ask about my day. Xander
: You really did turn into a real girl, didn't you? Anya
: See? You make jokes during my pain.
: This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms. Xander
: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends? Spike
: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on. Giles
: Please don't.
: At which point, the matter is brought to a conclusion with both parties satisfied and able to move on with their separate lives and interests. To sum up, I think it's a workable plan. Xander Harris
: So, the crux of this plan is... Anya
: Sexual intercourse. I've said it like a dozen times. Xander Harris
: Uh-huh. Just working through a little hysterical deafness here.
[Anya has offered Xander sex
: I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively. I'm thinking face-to-face for the event itself. Xander Harris
: Ah, right. It's just we hardly know each other. I mean, I like you. And you have a certain directness that I admire. But sexual interc - What you're talking about, well - and I'm actually turning into a woman as I say this - but it's about expressing something. And accepting consequences. Anya
: Oh, I have condoms. Some are black. Xander Harris
: That's... that's very considerate.
: I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now. Xander Harris
: And the amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith.
: What do you feel? Anya
: Upset, afraid of being without you, and a little hungry. Xander
: I meant about the house. Anya
: Oh. Still haunted.
[to the ghosts
: Shut up, repressed crybabies!
: A year and a half ago, I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now, I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much simpler. Spike
: You know, you take the killing for granted, and then it's gone, and you're like, I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stop and smell the corpses, you know.
: [to a customer who just finished her purchase
] Please go. Xander
: Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They want me to tell you that, "Please go" just got replaced with, "Have a nice day." Anya
: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have? Xander
: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.
: [displaying an item she's just wrapped
] Does this look right to you? Anya
: Sure. If you wrapped it with your feet.
: You're out of crystal balls. Those babies are really popular with the amateurs. Better restock and raise the price 10% - make it 15. Rupert Giles
: Anya... Anya
: Your cash register looks like squirrels nest in it. Rupert Giles
: Anya... Anya
: And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power. Better institute a 7-day background check for... Rupert Giles
] Rupert Giles
: Would you like a job? Anya
: Okay. Rupert Giles
: Good. Then we can talk shop tomorrow. Anya
: Okay... Boss.
: "Overwhelming"? How much more than "whelming" would that be, exactly?
: Anybody else feel that? Willow Rosenberg
: What? Anya
: Cold draft of paralyzing fear?
: There must be something in the Book of Tarnis that we've missed, something that we can use against Glory. Anya
: Piano! Xander Harris
: Because that's what we used to kill that big demon that one time.
] Xander Harris
: No, wait, that-that was a rocket launcher. An, what are you talkin' about? Anya
: We should drop a piano on her. Well, it always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment. Rupert Giles
] Yes, or perhaps we could paint a convincing tunnel on the side of a mountain.
: I wish that Joyce didn't die. Because she was nice and now we all hurt. Xander
: Anya, ever the wordsmith. Buffy
: Thank you.
: Um, guys, hello, puberty? Sort of figured out the whole no-Santa thing. Anya
: That's a myth. Dawn
: Yeah. Anya
: No, I mean, it's a myth *that* it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus. Xander
: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop. Tara
: There's a Santa Claus? Anya
: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney, all true. Dawn
: All true? Anya
: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise... Tara
: The reindeer part was nice.
: Are they gonna cut the body open? Willow
: Oh my God! Would you just... stop talking? Just... shut your mouth. Please. Anya
: What am I doing? Willow
: How can you act like that? Anya
: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? I mean, is that the helpful thing to do? Xander
: Guys... Willow
: The way you behave... Anya
: Nobody will tell me. Willow
: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things. Anya
: But I don't understand.
[begins to cry
: I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's- There's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And-and Xander's crying and not talking, and-and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.
: You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the "Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal." So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary... Giles
] Retroactive. Buffy
: ...to be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will continue my work with the help of my friends... Lydia
: I-I-I... don't want a sword thrown at me, but-but, civilians, I - we're talking about children. Buffy
: We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon. Anya
: Willow's a demon?
: Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins, 20 years old, born on the 4th of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, Mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now.
: Miss, excuse me, you, uh, you work here? Anya
: Yes, I do. Ever since I moved here from South Eastern Indiana, where I was raised by both a mother and a father.
[at The Bronze
: Xander. You haven't been paying any attention to me tonight. Just peddling those process food bricks. I don't know why. Xander Harris
: Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars. Make money. Take Anya nice places. Buy pretty things. Anya
: That does make sense. All right, I support you. Go sell more.
: I don't know how many more ways I can say "I'm not interested." Xander Harris
: Well, try one! Check these flavors. Cherry-Berry. Maple Walnut. Ooh, Almond Licorice. Anya
: Ew. Xander Harris
: Anya, we don't say 'ew' in front of potential customers. Anya
: Just skip this part and tell him you want money to buy me pretty things. He'll understand. Rupert Giles
] Very well. Um, Maple Walnut. Xander Harris
: An excellent choice. Rupert Giles
: [Giles takes a bite, then looks disgusted
] Please leave my home now. Xander Harris
: It's the, uh, the gritty texture, isn't it? Maybe you're more of a Cherry-Berry fellow.
[Xander, Willow and Anya are playing poker
] Xander Harris
: Wish the Buff could've made it. This three-hand poker is not quite the game. Willow Rosenberg
: Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend. Anya
: Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
[the card deck explodes from Xander's hands, and in his embarrassment he changes the subject
] Xander Harris
] Xander Harris
: , the thing is, I think Riley is okay, in an oafish kind of way. But am I the only one with a big floating question mark over his head about this Initiative thing? Willow Rosenberg
: Well, they do seem to fall into the 'good guy' camp. I mean, they are anti-demon.
[She sees Anya's evil eye expression
] Willow Rosenberg
: Probably pro ex-demon. Anya
: I choose to feel threatened. Xander Harris
: And why not? There's still heaps we don't know about these commandos. What exactly are they up to?
: How 'bout you, ever play Shiver Me Timbers? Tara Maclay
: I'm not really much for the timber.
[about the engagement ring
: Can I try it on? Anya
] Oh, absolutely not.
: And babies. You have to plan for babies, otherwise they'll just run roughshod over your entire existence.
: Quiet! You'll miss the humorous conclusion.
: [In Xander's dream
] I'll be fine. I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically.
: [Buffy is invisible
] Sorry! Her clothes are, uh, invisible, too. Buffy, how did this hap- wait a sec, have you been feeling ignored lately? Buffy
: Yeah, ignored. I wish. No, this isn't a Marcie deal. I don't know what happened. I left Main Street after getting my hair cut, and was... Anya
: You cut your hair? Buffy
: Oh, yeah! Anya
: Really? How short? Buffy
: Um, about up to here. Well-well, if you could see my hand, it's kind of above my shoulders. Anya
: Ahh, that sounds so adorable! I was thinking about getting my hair cut before the wedding... Xander
: Can we get back to freaking out about no-show Buffy? This is serious.
: Hey, Buffy. Where... where are you? Buffy
: At table four, apparently. Anya
: Well, that remains to be seen, like you. Buffy
: Don't strain yourself looking, Xander. I'm Invisible Girl.
: I think she's possessed. Xander Harris
: She's a teenager.
: [pottering about the Magic Box
] Do you think we should set up lots of candles for Buffy's party tomorrow? Xander Harris
: Not if they're that horrible slug kind you keep trying to unload. Anya
: I don't know why people get so turned off by slug. Xander Harris
: Honey, *slugs* get turned off by slug.
: Well, I just think I understand sex more, now. It's not just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life. It's about making life. Xander
: Right. When two people are much older and way richer and far less stupid. Anya
: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you. But I could, we could. Life could come out of love and our smooshing and that's beautiful. It all makes me feel like we're a part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow, you know?
: Don't you watch television? I thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.
: What's going on? Anya
: Dawn's gonna be a Slayer. Andrew Wells
: Holy crap! Excuse me. Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny. Xander
: Say "Skywalker" and I smack ya.
: Oh, good God, what is that smell? Anya
: Um, fairly sure that's the smell of a hardboiled egg being thrown into a fire. Xander
: Uh-huh. Willow Rosenberg
: The smell will lead us to the Potential. Xander
: Or some poor soul who ate too many chimichangas.
: [Riley is about to touch the meteorite
] Is it hot? Cuz, uh, if there's radiation you could, like, go all sterile. Riley Finn
: [Riley recoils and Xander scampers away to be behind Anya
] No, it's not hot. It's warm, and broken. And sort of... Rupert Giles
] Hollow. Riley Finn
: Yeah. Anya
: So, uh, we're all thinking the same thing, right? Xander Harris
: Festive piñata? Delicious candy? Willow Rosenberg
: Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and slithered away to do badness. Rupert Giles
: In all fairness, I don't think we know about the slithered part. Anya
: Oh no, I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.
: [Riley is feeling for pulse on a victim in the woods
] No pulse. Anya
: [to Giles
] Yup. Space lamb got him.
: How's your guy? Anya
: The weasel wants to sing. He just needs a tune. Xander Harris
: He's primed. I'll be pumping him in no time.
[Buffy and Anya stare at him, and Xander realizes how unintentionally homoerotic that sounded
] Xander Harris
: He'll give us information soon.
: [about Spike
] He-he mentioned something about a song in the cellar. Uh, and he-he changed there, too - I mean, instantly became another person. Xander Harris
: Trigger. Anya
: The horse? Xander Harris
: No, in his head. It's a trigger. It's a brainwashing term. I-It's how the military makes sleeper agents. They, they brainwash operatives and condition them with a specific trigger, like a song, that makes 'em drastically change at a moment's notice. Willow Rosenberg
: Is this left over from your days in the Army? Xander Harris
: No, this is left over from every army movie I've ever seen.
: [about the hospital
] Man, words cannot express how much I hate this place. Rupert Giles
: It's dreadful. Anya
: It's like communism.
: You know what else is un-American? French people.
: You're not at least gonna, like, leave me a-a crossbow or a flame thrower? Something to protect myself? Xander Harris
: We don't want him to know we suspect anything. Besides, if he tries to leave, I don't want you confronting him. Call Buffy and just let her know that he's on the move. You're gonna be fine. Anya
: Better be. Because if I get vamped, I'm gonna bite your ass. Xander Harris
: Wouldn't be the first time. Anya
: What was that?
: Well, if Spike is biting people again then shouldn't there be more dead people with neck trauma? Right? And we can find that. Willow Rosenberg
: [Types something into her laptop
] No. Anya
: No, we can't find that? But that's easy. That computer's a moron.
: Excuse me? Who made you the boss of the group? Anya
: You did. Tara
: You said Willow should be boss. Anya
: And then you said "let's vote," and it was unanimous... Tara
: And then you made her this little plaque, that said "Boss of Us", you put little sparkles on it... Xander
: Valid points, all. But we... I mean...
: Discovery Channel has monkeys. And our tape machine's all wonky.
: Captain Logic is not steering this tugboat. I smell Captain Fear at the wheel.
: If you wanna pay e-every bill here, and every bill coming, and have enough to start a nice college fund for Dawn, start charging. Buffy
: For what? Anya
: Slaying vampires. I mean, you're providing a valuable service to the whole community. I say cash in! Buffy
: Well, that's an idea... *you* would have. Any other suggestions? Anya
: Well, I mean, it's-it's not *so* crazy. Dawn
: Yes it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives. Anya
: Spider-Man does. Dawn
: He does not. Anya
: Does too! Dawn
: Does no- Xander? Xander
: Action is his reward.
: You're a good person and a good boyfriend, and - And I'm in love with you.
[Xander is lying in his bed, brooding. Anya comes in
: Xander. You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office this morning.
[looks under his covers
: You can't go like that. They won't even interview you if you're naked. Xander
: I'm not going. There's never anything good. Maybe I should join the army. Anya
: Don't they make you get up really early in the morning? Xander
: Oh, yeah. Never mind. Anya
: Are you still upset about that fight you had with your friends? It was hours ago! Get over it. Xander
: Anya, you... Forget it. Anya
: So they all think you're a lost, directionless loser with no plans for his future. Pfft! Xander
: Anya, you can't 'pfft!' that stuff away. Anya
: Why not? Xander
: I don't know. 'Cause I think maybe they're right.
[Anya looks at him for a few seconds, then lies down with him
: So what if they are? You're a good person and a good boyfriend and... and I'm in love with you. Whatever they think of you, it shouldn't matter. Xander
: Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't matter.
[looks to the ceiling, unconvinced
: Look, I know you find me attractive; I've seen you looking at my breasts. Xander
: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.
: Well, hey, it's demon Anya, punisher of evil males. Still haven't got your powers back? You haven't, right? Anya
: No. I will, though. It's just a matter of time. Xander
: So, now how did that work? Women would wish horrible things on their ex-boyfriends; you'd show up and make it happen. Anya
: That's right. The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful. Xander
: Well, hey, good luck with that. Hope it works out for you. Anya
: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of this species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them. Xander
: Then why are you talking to me? Anya
: I don't have a date for the prom. Xander
: Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch? Anya
: Men are evil. Will you go with me? Xander
: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which. Anya
: You know, this happens to be all your fault. Xander
: My fault? Anya
: You were unfaithful to Cordelia so I took on the guise of a twelfth-grader to tempt her with the Wish. When I lost my powers I got stuck in this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me. Xander
: Be still my heart. Oh wait, it is.
[Xander and Buffy confront Anya and Spike after catching them having sex on camera
: Don't even try to deny it. 'Cause we saw it all. The whole beautiful show. Anya
: How? It was just - it - it was just a thing. I-I felt bad and he was just there. Buffy Summers
: [to Spike
] Didn't take long, did it? Xander
: Oh, ho. Oh, okay! Ya had to do it, because he was there. Like Mount Everest. Like I used to be. Anya
: And then you weren't! You left *me*, Xander, at the alter. I don't owe you anything! Xander
: So you go out and bang the first body you can find? Dead or alive? Anya
: Where do you get off judging me? Xander
: When this is your solution to our problems. I hurt you, and you get me back. Very mature. Anya
: No, the mature solution is for you to spend your whole life telling stupid, pointless jokes so that no one will notice that you are just a scared, insecure, little boy! Xander
: I'm not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations, it worked. I look at you, and I feel sick, 'cause you had sex with that. Spike
: It's good enough for Buffy. Xander
: Shut up, and leave her out of...
[both Xander and Anya stare at Buffy
: Buffy? Buffy Summers
: Xander... Xander
: I don't wanna know this. I don't wanna know any of this.
[Xander leaves and Buffy follows after
: Bloody Xander. Buggered up everything. You know, I wish... Anya
: I know there's nothing that I can say or do to make up for what I did. I can't. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I'm like, "Oh God, is this my life? Was that me?" Anya
: Me too. Xander
: But you gotta believe me, please, I want to make up for it. I wanna take away the hurt. I love you so much.
: Hands off the merchandise, Spike. You don't get to go there again. Spike
: Please, I've already forgotten about our little time together. Nancy
: I thought you were Xander's ex-girlfriend. Anya
: I am. Nancy
: But you and Spike... Anya
: Had a thing. Spike
: Didn't last. Nancy
: But weren't you Buffy... Spike
: Briefly. Buffy
: Never serious. Nancy
: Is there anyone here that hasn't slept together?
[Spike and Xander look at each other
: So I embellished a little... Xander Harris
: Well, you can unembellish now. Anya
: Bite me, Harris!
The Baljox's Eye
: It cannot be fought. It cannot be killed. The First Evil has been and always will be, since before the universe was born. Long after there is nothing else, it will go on. Rupert Giles
: I refuse to believe that. There must be some way to destroy it. The Baljox's Eye
: What, am I talkin' to myself here? There's no way! Anya
: Okay, we tried. Let's go, Giles. Rupert Giles
: Are you saying that the First will succeed in-in wiping out the line of Slayers? The Baljox's Eye
: The eye sees not the future, only the truth of the now and before. Anya
: Yes, we've all got that, it's called memory.
: I made the rounds myself. Tried to dig up anything useful from the demon community. Xander
: They're a community, now? What's next? A ladies' auxiliary?
: It happens that I'm good at a lot of things. I help out with all kinds of... stuff. I have skills and... stratagems... I'm very... help me out. Anya
: He's a Viking in the sack.
: Okay, well, how long before you... uncrypt it? Willow
: Hours. Days maybe. Anyone suggesting months would not be accused of crazy talk. Giles
: Whatever happened to Latin? At least when that made no sense, the church approved. Buffy
: I can't just wait around, Will. The disk is no good to me unless you crack it soon. Anya
: Hey! We worked really hard getting that. Xander delivered clothing. Giles
: Church approved.
: [about Dracula
] I doubt he'd remember me. I was just a silly young thing. I mean like seven hundred or so. But he did say that this guy I cursed was doomed forever, which was really sweet, don't you think? Xander
: Adorable. Anya
: It was a great spell. I made this jerk incredibly fat, like a human minivan. You should just mention my name if you see him again. Xander
: Or better yet, why don't you just go sit on top of a crypt and flaunt your neck cleavage until Dracula shows up. Then you two can talk private. Anya
: Oh please, don't tell me you're jealous.
: I'm exhausted just lookin' at those two. All the splashing and jumping and running. Shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion? Anya
: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness. Tara Maclay
: Oh, which can cause the, um, pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put. Willow Rosenberg
: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.
: Thanks a lot for coming. It was good of you to teleport all this way. Though, in retrospect, it probably would have been better if you hadn't come and given Willow all that magic that made her, like, ten times more powerful. That would have been a plus.
: Giles! You're not dead! Rupert Giles
[Anya hugs him tightly
] Rupert Giles
: However, I am still in some pain. Anya
: Oh. Well, why aren't you dead? Why aren't I dead? Rupert Giles
: The threat's gone. Willow has been stopped. Anya
: You mean she's... Rupert Giles
: No, she's alive. It... The magic she took from me, it did... it did what I hoped it would do. Anya
: Oh... You dosed her. You knew she'd take your powers all along. Rupert Giles
: Well, I... The gift that was given me by the coven, it's a true essence of magic. It... Willow's magic came from a place of rage and power. Anya
: And vengeance. Don't forget vengeance. Rupert Giles
: No. How could I? In any case, the magic she took from me, tapped into the spark of the humanity she had left. Helped her to feel again. Gave Xander the opportunity to reach her. Anya
: Xander? Rupert Giles
: Yes. It was he who got to her in time.
[Giles smiles thankfully
] Rupert Giles
: He saved us all.
: [as Anyanka
] You trusting fool! How do you know the other world is any better than this? Giles
: Because it has to be.
: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale. Anya
: [Anya has just become human
] Done. Cordelia
: That would be cool. No wait, I wish Buffy Summers had never been born. Anya
] Done. Cordelia
: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair. Anya
: Done. Cordelia
: In fact, I wish all men, except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind, disappear off the face of the Earth. That would be so cool.
[Anya wants to keep the two Xanders apart to have a threesome together
: It's not like it'd be cheating. They're both Xander.
: You really do think you're better than we are. Buffy
: No, I... Anya
: But we don't know. We don't know if you're actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that's the legacy. Buffy
: I... Anya
: But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say that you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.
: We're all on death's door repeatedly ringing the doorbell, like maniacal girl scouts trying to make quota.
: No deaths, no eviscerations, you're not goading women into anything inventive, and you're not delivering when it is. Anya
: I don't even know... Halfrek
: That waitress downtown wished her husband was a frog - you made him French. Anya
: He's smelly. And with a little mustache...
: Gah! Xander
: Touch him! Touch him! Dawn
: Oh, I feel him! I feel him! Xander
: Me too. Andrew
: Me too. Giles
: Good. We all feel each other. Including some of us who don't know each other well enough to take such liberties, thank you. Um, I assume there is a perfectly reasonable and not at all insane explanation, yes? Anya
: We thought you might be non-corporeal evil. Dawn
: We got a call. We couldn't remember you touching anything. Xander
: We had to make sure you were okay. We were worried. Giles
: Oh. Ah. Yes, well, that's very sweet. Now, wait a minute, you thought - you think I'm evil if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and *don't* touch them?
: What's with the hand move? You see that? Does that, like, mean something? Willow
: It's code. I-I think it breaks down to 'Choo-choo!' Anya
: It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him. Willow
] Ask. Xander
] Hey, Riley! What's the, uh -
[makes hand gesture
: all about? Riley
: It means yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're comin' will have a sporting chance. Xander
: See, now he's all mad and sarcastic. Willow
: That's cuz you were doing all the yelling, Mr. Stealthy Pants.
: Hey, I see sitting where there should be dancing. Anya
: Come share in the joy of our groove thang. Willow Rosenberg
: And despite that, I succumb to the beat.
: Xander, I think you may have hurt his feelings. Xander Harris
: And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer.
] Xander Harris
: You know, that's, uh, that's actually some pretty good advice.
: We should move her. Unless we shouldn't. Should we? Anya
: Wouldn't that make it worse? I think I read that somewhere. Xander
: I am so large with not knowing.
: It's a text message. Oh, it's from Xander. It's one of our signals. Amanda
: Signals? Willow
: Yeah, the system we set up a while back. Like codes. Uh, this one's either "I just got lucky, don't call me for a while" or "my date's a demon who's trying to kill me." Kennedy
: You don't remember which? Willow
: It was a long time ago. Dawn
: Well, if we play the percentages... Giles
: Something's eating Xander's head. Anya
: Say, that's gratifying.
: Crap. Look at this... Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children and more cash than I can reasonably manage. Xander
: That means you're winning. Anya
: Really? Xander
: Yes. Cash equals good. Anya
: Ooooh. I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?
: Why aren't they here? Tara Maclay
: I don't know. Anya
: They could be hurt. Xa-Xander could be lying somewhere, broken and bleeding, calling out my name. Tara Maclay
: Anya... Anya
: Like that. Oh, God!