Jonathan Levinson
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Quotes for
Jonathan Levinson (Character)
from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997)

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"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Flooded (#6.4)" (2001)
M'Fashnik Demon: Which one of you is the leader?
Jonathan Levinson, Andrew Wells, Warren Meers: I am.
M'Fashnik Demon: I will kill the leader.
Jonathan Levinson, Andrew Wells, Warren Meers: He is.
M'Fashnik Demon: I will kill you all.
Jonathan Levinson: Wait, no fair!

Warren Meers: So... you guys wanna team up and take over Sunnydale?
Andrew Wells, Jonathan Levinson: Okay.

Andrew Wells: I don't wanna kill Buffy either.
Jonathan Levinson: Yeah, she saved my life a bunch of times. Plus she's hot.
Warren Meers: It's her or us. I mean, we have to do it.
Andrew Wells: We're talking about murder.
Warren Meers: No, we're talking about staying alive. And since this is my Mom's house, I think what I say goes.

Andrew Wells: Screen wipe, new scene. I had nothing to do with the devil dogs. I trained flying demon monkeys to attack the school play. School play, dude.
Warren Meers: That was cool. That was kinda cool. It was funny.
Jonathan Levinson: Everyone was like, 'Run Juliet'!

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Conversations with Dead People (#7.7)" (2002)
Jonathan: We should have stayed in Mexico.
Andrew Wells: I didn't like it there. Everybody spoke Mexicoan.
Jonathan: You could've learned it. You learned the entire Klingon dictionary in two and a half weeks.

Jonathan: Of course I'm scared. Last time we were here, 33.3 bar percent of us were flayed alive.

Jonathan: I really miss it. Time goes by and everything drops away. All the cruelty, all the pain, all the humiliation, it all washes away. I miss my friends. I miss my enemies. I miss the people I talked to every day. I miss the people who never knew I existed. I miss 'em all. I wanna talk to them, you know? I wanna find out how they're doing. I-I wanna know what's going on in their lives.
Andrew Wells: You know what? They don't wanna talk to you. All those people you just mentioned, not one of them is sitting around going, "I wonder what Jonathan's up to right now." Not one of them cares about you.
Jonathan: Well, I still care about them. That's why I'm here.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Two to Go (#6.21)" (2002)
Jonathan Levinson: You're checking for implants?
Andrew Wells: [defensive] Lex Luthor had a false epidermis escape kit in Superman versus the Amazing Spider-Man treasury edition...

Jonathan Levinson: I still can't believe that was Willow. I mean, I've known her almost as long as you guys. Willow was, you know - she packed her own lunches, and wore floods, and was always... just Willow.
[the car gets hit]
Jonathan Levinson: Geez it!
Andrew Wells: What was that?
Xander: Just Willow.

Anya: Listen to me. We have to get you two out of here or you'll both be killed. Guard!
Jonathan Levinson: What's going on?
Andrew Wells: Stop that! I don't trust her. Do you trust her? This is major uncool.
Jonathan Levinson: Anya, you're gonna have to break this down for us a little.
Anya: Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive, Tara's dead. Willow found out and being the most powerful wicca in the western hemisphere decided to get payback... with interest.
Andrew Wells: Wh... what about Warren?
Anya: She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and the two of you are next.
Andrew Wells: Oh my God! Warren!
Jonathan Levinson: Oh my God! Me!

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Gone (#6.11)" (2002)
Jonathan Levinson: [Warren almost hits Jonathon with an invisibility gun] You penis!
Warren Meers: Oh, cheer up, Frodo. Because, thanks to my brains and our mystical gem we got ourselves an invisibility ray. And I'd say that makes us pretty much unstoppable.

Jonathan Levinson: We got a lot bigger problems here, bonehead. The Slayer's invisible, now.
Andrew Wells: He's right. She could be anywhere. Even here, right now, watching, listening to every word we say. For all we know, she could be one of us.
[all stare at each other suspiciously]
Warren Meers: [snaps out of it] Oh!
Andrew Wells: Oh, wait, no guys. That isn't true.

Jonathan Levinson: We're not killers, we're crime lords!
Andrew Wells: Yeah! Like-like Lex Luthor. He's always trying to take over Metropolis, but he doesn't kill Superman!
Warren Meers: Because it's Superman's book, you moron!
Andrew Wells: But Lex doesn't kill him, does he?

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Life Serial (#6.5)" (2001)
Warren Meers: W-What the hell is that?
Andrew: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
Jonathan Levinson: Thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numb nuts.
Andrew: For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised designs from Return of the Jedi.
Jonathan Levinson: That's a flawed design.

Jonathan Levinson: I need you to hold hands.
Andrew: With each other?
Warren Meers: Well, you know what homophobia really means about you, don't you?
Jonathan Levinson: Stop touching my magic bone!

Warren Meers: We tested her, faced her, and we survived!
Jonathan Levinson: Unless I have internal injuries that will eventually kill me.
Andrew: Oh, of course, but, barring that, Warren's right. We did good!

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Smashed (#6.9)" (2001)
Spike: In my head. The chip in my head.
Warren Meers: We're kind of in the middle of somethin'.
Spike: Well, you can play holodeck another time. Right now, I'm in charge.
Warren Meers: Yeah, what are you gonna do if we don't especially feel like maybe playing your- What are - wait, what are you doing?
[Spike rips Boba Fett action figure off its base]
Spike: Examine my chip or else Mr. Fett here is the first to die.
Jonathan: Hey! All - All right. Let's not - Let's not not do anything crazy here.
Andrew Wells: That's a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.
Warren Meers: All right, dude, chill. You can still make it right. You know you don't wanna do this.
Spike: What I want is answers, nimrod!
Warren Meers: Right. But you don't want to hurt the Fett... because, man, you're not comin' back from that! You know, you don't just do that and walk away.
Spike: That right? Let's find out.
[about to rip head off of action figure]
Warren Meers: One sec - One second.

[Jonathan and Andrew sit with Spike while Warren is working]
Andrew Wells: You're English, right?
Spike: Yeah...
Andrew Wells: I've seen every episode of Doctor Who. Not Red Dwarf, though, cause, um...
Jonathan: Cause it's not out yet on DVD.
Andrew Wells: Right, it's not out yet on DVD.
Spike: [shouts] Warren!

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Seeing Red (#6.19)" (2002)
Jonathan: [Warren has just snapped a demon's neck] Mahatma!

Jonathan: [at the Bronze] What are we doing here? Somebody might recognize us. This is great. We're risking everything so that Charles Atlas can get a date. He's gonna end up getting us thrown into jail. Or worse. Maybe you and I should think about...
Andrew: Warren's the boss. He's Picard. You're Deanna Troi. Get used to the feeling, Betazoid.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: First Date (#7.14)" (2003)
Jonathan Levinson: [as The First] Did you find the gun?
Andrew Wells: Yes, it was in Buffy's underwear drawer. She has nice things.
Jonathan Levinson: Show me.
Andrew Wells: Well, I didn't take 'em, but there were thongs and regular underpants.
Jonathan Levinson: Show me *the gun*.

Jonathan Levinson: [as The First] Andrew, I want you to think. Willow brought something to this house. Something good. Something you can use.
Andrew Wells: The new microwave?

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Normal Again (#6.17)" (2002)
Jonathan Levinson: [about being stuck in the basement] I mean, I'm going Jack Torrance in here, ya know? Stuck in this basement for weeks. We rented the whole house. Can't we at least sleep upstairs?
Andrew Wells: We're on the lam. We have to lay low. Underground.
Jonathan Levinson: That's figurative doofus! Did you even read Legion of Doom?
Warren Meers: Okay, enough!
[to Jonathon]
Warren Meers: Midgetor, get back to the monitors.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Superstar (#4.17)" (2000)
Spike: Oh, look. Jonathan. Taking the little sidekick out for a walk, are we?
Buffy: Shut up, Spike.
Spike: Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Semi-harsh language from Betty. You're feisty when big guy's standing beside you.
[strokes her hair and says seductively]
Spike: Someday, Sweet Slayer, I would love to take you on. See you face the evil alone for once.
[Jonathan slams Spike up against the crypt wall]
Jonathan Levinson: That's enough of the creepy small talk. We're looking for a monster.
Spike: Why would I know about that?
Jonathan Levinson: Every demon in this town's gunning for you right now, so I figure you're probably keeping pretty good track of 'em. Big arms. Mark on its head. Have you seen it?
Spike: No. But then again, I'm probably lying.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Prom (#3.20)" (1999)
Jonathan: We have one more award to give out. Is Buffy Summers here tonight? Did she, um...
[the crowd turns and finds her. She looks nervous at the attention]
Jonathan: This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, well, t-the prom committee asked me to read this. "We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn't mean we haven't noticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here."
Student #1: Zombies!
Student #2: Hyena people!
Student #3: Snyder!
[people chuckle]
Jonathan: "But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history, and we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks and gives you, uh, uh, this."
[Jonathan produces a gold, glittering, miniature umbrella with a small metal plaque attached to the shaft]
Jonathan: It's from all of us, and it has written here, "Buffy Summers, Class Protector".

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Entropy (#6.18)" (2002)
[the trio sees Spike and Anya having sex on their camera]
Warren Meers: Guys, we have to- Oh, holy crap!
Jonathan Levinson: Oh, my God.
Warren Meers: What is that? P-Porn?
Jonathan Levinson: Oh, my God.
Warren Meers: Is that the cam in the Magic Box?
Jonathan Levinson: Oh, my God.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Storyteller (#7.16)" (2003)
Andrew Wells: We're fugitives, haunted by our past, tormented by a message we don't understand.
Jonathan Levinson: We're hunted men, driven mad by forces beyond our understanding.
Andrew Wells: We're men of hidden power, tortured from within by-by a voice out of nowhere.
Jonathan Levinson: I don't deserve this. I wasn't even that evil.
Andrew Wells: I thought you were evil.
Jonathan Levinson: Yeah?
Andrew Wells: Sure. I respected your ideas for-for evil projects, and I thought you had good follow-through.
Jonathan Levinson: Oh. Well, thanks. It's nice that you noticed.