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: I hate this guy. Willow
: He's just doing what was done to him. Xander
: I didn't give him syphilis! Giles
: No, but you freed his spirit, and after a century of unrest he saw you as one of his oppressors. Xander
: What, so he rises up and infects the first guy he sees? That's no fair. Willow
: Like you've never woken up cranky.
[Spike asks Buffy to invite him into Giles house to get out of the sunlight
: Come on. I-I'm parboiling out here. Buffy
: [Giles hands Buffy a stake
] Want me to make it quicker? Spike
] Invite me in! Buffy
: No. Giles
: Fairly unlikely. Spike
: [Spike tries running in and is knocked back
] Oh, damn it! Look, I'm safe. I can't bite anyone. Willow, tell 'em what I did. Willow
: Y-You said you were gonna kill me, then Buffy. Spike
: Yes, bad, but let's skip that part and get to the part where I couldn't bite you. Willow
: It's true. He had trouble performing.
: Well, that's good, but this is why I think we should all keep a level head in this. Willow
: And I happen to think mine is the level head and yours is the one things would roll off of.
: Angel? I saw him too. Giles
: That's not terribly stealthy of him. Willow
: I think he's lost his edge.
: We don't say 'Indian.' Giles
: Oh, oh, right! Yes, yes. Um, always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as 'bloody colonials.'
: I still need to pick up a few things, so I'll check in. And keep your hands off the food. Giles
: Oh, I'll try and restrain myself from eating uncooked potatoes and cranberries.
: We need to boil those and put them through the ricer. Giles
: I don't think I have a ricer. Buffy
: [Freaking out
] You don't have a ricer? What do you mean? How could someone not have a ricer? Giles
: Well, do you have one at home? Buffy
: I don't know. What's a ricer? Giles
: We'll mash them with forks, much like the pilgrims must have.
: [Arriving At Giles'
] Happy thanksgiving. Giles
: Xander. You look like death. Willow
: Are you ok? Buffy
: You didn't bring rolls?
: Buffy, Xander's in real danger. Are you sure the solution is pie? Buffy
: Over bickering and confusion, I'll take pie. We will find a solution. And we will have a nice dinner, ok? Both. End of story. I'm having thanksgiving, and it'll be perfect.
: [about Hus
] Are you sure we shouldn't be helping him? Giles
: No, I think perhaps we won't help the angry spirit with his rape and pillage and murder. Willow
: Well, ok, no, but we should be helping him redress his wrongs. Bring the atrocities to light Giles
: If the history books are full of them, I'd say they already are. Willow
: Giving his land back. Giles
: It's not exactly ours to give. Willow
: I don't think you wanna help. I think you just wanna slay the demon, then go - La la la Giles
: And I think your sympathy for his plight has blinded you to certain urgent facts. We have to stop this thing. Willow
: Ok, unfeeling guy.
: So, what do you think? Angel
: [about Buffy
] She sounds good. Kind of intense about this thanksgiving thing. Giles
: I think perhaps she's a little lonely, but I meant about the murder. Angel
: Whatever killed the woman in the museum, that's probably the danger. Giles
: Yeah, well, this danger, your friend has some ominous vision about Buffy. It's all terribly vague. I mean, there are other things happening on this campus. Angel
: Well, maybe I'm wrong, but I gotta try something. I can't just keep watching. Giles
: I'm glad that you're watching out for her, but I feel I should remind you that she's not helpless and it's not your job to keep her safe. Angel
: It's not yours anymore, either. Are you going to walk away?
: [about Willow buying frozen peas into of fresh ones
] They're gonna be mushy. Willow
: They won't be mushy. Giles
: [Chiming in
] I like mushy peas. Buffy
: You're the reason we had to have pilgrims in the first place.
: [At the stove stirring a pot
] Uh, how much butter goes in with these? Buffy
: About half a stick and a quarter cup of brandy.
: You do have brandy, don't you? Giles
] What? Oh, yes. Um, on the bookcase Spike
: I wouldn't say no to a brandy. Buffy
: [Ignoring Spike, talking to Giles
] What's wrong? Giles
: The victims. Apart from Xander, Hus has targeted authority figures. Father Gabriel, the curator of the cultural center. Who else fits this pattern? Spike
: Just a small brandy.
: Buffy, maintaining a normal social life as a Slayer... i-i-is problematic at best. Buffy
: This is the '90s. The 1990s, in point of fact, and I can do both. Clark Kent has a job. I just wanna go on a date. Giles
: Well, I-I suppose it was a fairly slim lead... Buffy
] Thank you, thank you, thank you! And look, I won't go far, okay? If the apocalypse comes, beep me.
: That symbol on the ring... I believe it's the rune for fidelity, but, uh, it doesn't connect with any of the sects that I've studied. Buffy
: What about this on the inside? It's a sun and three stars. Haven't we seen that somewhere? Giles
: Let me see. No, I-I don't think this, um, represents any... Buffy
: Wait, it's right here. Sun and three stars. Yuck, check these guys out. Told you it looked familiar. Giles
: Oh, the Order of Aurelius. Yes, you're right. Buffy
: Ooo, two points for the Slayer, while the Watcher has yet to score!
: Buffy, this is no ordinary vampire. But we have to stop him before he reaches the Master. Buffy
: But cute guy! Teenager! Post-pubescent fantasies!
: If your identity as a slayer is revealed, it could put you and all those around you in grave danger. Buffy
: Well, in that case, I won't wear my button that says 'I'm a Slayer - Ask Me How.'
: They came after me, but I was more than a match for them. Buffy
: Meaning? Giles
: I hid.
: See, this is a school. And we have students and they check out books and then they learn things. Giles
: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.
: All right. I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show. Buffy
: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.
: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time.
: I was ten years old when my father told me I was destined to be a Watcher. He was one, and his, uh, mother before him. And I was to be next. Buffy
: Were you thrilled beyond all measure? Giles
: No, I had very definite plans about my future. I was going to be a fighter pilot. Or, possibly a grocer.
: See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things. Rupert Giles
: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.
: All right, I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century, and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show. Buffy Summers
: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.
: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time.
] There's nothing we can't face. Anya
] Except for bunnies.
: Tha-that's right! The-the volume. The text. Giles
: What text? Willow
: The volumey text. You know? The-the mmummrfugh report. Xander
: The what now? Tara
: Oh, there's just a few volumes back at the house that deal with mystical chants, bacchanals... It might be relevant. Willow
: Yeah, we could, um... Giles
: Well, I'm a hair's breadth from investigating bunnies at the moment, so I'm open to anything. Willow
: Great, we'll, uh, go check it out and uh, we'll give you a call. Tara
: Yeah, this could blow the whole thing wide open.
: Somebody set people on fire? That's nuts. Anya
: I don't know. One more verse of our little ditty and I would have been looking for a gas can. Giles
: Clearly, emotions are running high. But, uh, as far as I can tell, these people burnt up from the inside; spontaneously combusted. I've only seen the one. I was able to examine the body while the police were taking witness arias.
: Don't be a stupid git. There is no... Giles
: If I want your opinion, Spike, I'll... I'll never want your opinion.
] We have to try. We'll pay the price, it's do or die. Buffy
: Hey I've died twice.
: I'm just worried this whole session's gonna turn into some training montage from an eighties movie. Giles
: Well, if we hear any inspirational power chords, we'll just lie down until they go away.
] Will this do a thing to change her?/Am I leaving Dawn in danger?/Is my slayer too far gone to care? Xander
] What if Buffy can't defeat it? Anya
] Beady Eyes is right, we're needed!
[Looks at Willow and Tara
: Or we could just sit around and glare.
[the gang all get up and make for the door
] We'll see it through/It's what we're always here to do/So we will walk through the fire.
] And we are caught in the fire/The point of no return/So we will walk through the fire/And let it/Burn/Let it burn.
] Where do we go... from here? Buffy
] Where do we go... from here? Giles
] The battle's done/And we kind of won Tara
] So we sound our victory cheer/Where do we go from here? Xander
: Why is the path unclear/When we know home is near? Xander
] Understand we'll go hand in hand
[all join hands
: But we'll walk alone in fear.
[all release hands and walk off in different directions
] Tell me! Xander
: Where do we go from here?/When does the end appear? Spike
: [In the middle of singing "appear" he suddenly stops and speaks
] Bugger this.
: That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn't see and the synchronized dancing from the room service chaps.
: [to Buffy
] What did you sing about? Buffy
] I don't remember. But i-it seemed perfectly normal. Xander
: But disturbing. And not the natural order of things, and do you think it'll happen again? Giles
: I don't know. I should look into it. Willow
: With the books. Tara
: Do we have any books on this? Xander
: Well, we just gotta break it down. Look at the factors before it happens again. Because I for one... Giles
: [Giles begins to sing, interrupting Xander
] I've got a theory/That it's a demon/A dancing demon! No, something isn't right there.
: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too. Giles
: Hear, hear. Buffy
: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
[Buffy is offering Giles advice on asking Jenny Calendar for a date
: You just say, "Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing." Giles
: Well, thank you, Cyrano.
: We found an empty grave. Giles
: Another vampire? Buffy
: No. No, this one was dug up and the body was taken out. Giles
: Grave-robbing? That's new. Interesting. Buffy
: I *know* you meant to say gross and disturbing. Giles
: Yes, yes, yes of course. A terrible thing. Must, must put a stop to it. Dammit.
: You mean making a zombie? Giles
: Uh, zombies, more likely. For most traditional purposes, a voodoo priest would require more than one. Buffy
: So, we should see if the other girls from the accident are AWOL, too. Maybe we can figure out what this creep has in mind, if we know whether or not he's dealing in volume. Xander
: So, we dig up some graves tonight? Willow Rosenberg
: Oh, boy! A field trip!
[Willow asks Cordelia whether she wants to go on the zombie-hunting adventure
: Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew you were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've canceled. Xander
: All right, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh?
[Cordelia huffs and leaves the library
: Xander? Xander
: Huh? Giles
: Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living. Xander
: Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face?
: Hello, can we deal with my pain, please?
[pats her on the back, not interested
: There, there.
: What student here is going to be that well versed in physiology? Willow Rosenberg
: I can think of five or six guys in the science club, and me. Xander
: So Will, come clean. Promise to never do it again, and we'll call it a night.
[At their looks
: He joked.
[on American football
: I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.
[practicing pick up lines
: W-w-w-what I'm proposing is, um... and I-I don't mean to appear indecorous, is-is, um, a-a-a-a social engagement, um, a-a-a-a-a date. If you're amenable.
: [giving Giles advice on his pick up lines
] You also might want to avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous', you know? Speak English, not whatever they speak in, uh... Giles
: England? Buffy
: A Slayer hunts vampires; Buffy is a Slayer; don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.
: You have no idea where they took Jesse? Buffy Summers
: I looked around, but soon as they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom! Alexander "Xander" Harris
: They can fly? Buffy Summers
: They can drive.
: So, all the city plans are just open to the public? Willow Rosenberg
: Um, well, in-in a way. I sort of stumbled onto them when I accidentally decrypted the city council's security system.
: So, Giles, got anything that can make this day any worse? Giles
: How about the end of the world? Buffy Summers
: Knew I could count on you.
: We're at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may, in fact, stand between the Earth and its total destruction. Buffy Summers
: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school. Xander
: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths. Willow Rosenberg
: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that. Buffy Summers
: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like excessive not studying. Giles
: The Earth is doomed.
: You see, opening dimensional portals is a tricky business. Odds are, he got himself stuck, rather like a-a cork in a bottle.
: I've been researching this Harvest affair. It appears to be some sort of pre-ordained massacre; rivers of blood, hell on Earth, quite charmless. I'm a bit fuzzy, however, on the details. It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine.
[Everyone looks at him, confused
] Rupert Giles
: That was a bit, um... British, wasn't it?
: This world is older than any of you know. Contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons demons walked the Earth. They made it their home, their... their Hell. But in time they lost their purchase on this reality. The way was made for mortal animals, for, for man. All that remains of the old ones are vestiges, certain magicks, certain creatures. Buffy Summers
: And vampires. Alexander "Xander" Harris
: Okay, this is where I have a problem. See, because we're talking about vampires. We're having a *talk* with vampires in it. Willow Rosenberg
: Isn't that what we saw last night? Buffy Summers
: No. No, th-those weren't vampires, those were just guys in thundering need of a facial. Or maybe they had rabies. It could have been rabies. A-and that guy turning to dust? Just a trick of light.
[Xander gives her a look
] Buffy Summers
: That's exactly what I said the first time I saw a vampire. Well, after I was done with the screaming part
: For as long as there have been vampires, there's been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One... Buffy Summers
: He loves doing this part.
: We are at the center of a mystical convergence here! We may, in fact, stand between the Earth and its total destruction. Buffy Summers
: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school. Xander Harris
: Oh yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause a lot of schools aren't on Hellmouths. Willow Rosenberg
: Maybe you could blow something up, they're really strict about that. Buffy Summers
: I was thinking more along the lines of excessive not-studying. Rupert Giles
: The Earth is doomed.
: Well, there's gotta be some way around it. Rupert Giles
: Listen, some prophecies are-are a bit dodgy. They're-they're mutable. Buffy herself has-has thwarted them time and time again, but this is the Codex. There is nothing in it that does not come to pass. Angel
: Then you're reading it wrong. Rupert Giles
: I wish to God I were. But it's very plain. Tomorrow night Buffy will face the Master, and she will die.
: So that's it, huh? I remember the drill. One slayer dies, the next one's called. I wonder who she is. Will you train her? Or will they send someone else? Giles
: Buffy... I... Buffy
: Does it say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt?
[Angel walks towards her
: Don't touch me! Were you even gonna tell me? Giles
: I was hoping I wouldn't have to, that there was some way around it. I... Buffy
: I've got a way around it. I quit. Giles
: It's not that simple. Buffy
: I'm making it that simple. I quit! I resign! I-I'm fired! You can find someone else to stop The Master from taking over. Giles
: I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the signs indicate... Buffy
] Signs? Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! You're so useful, sitting here with all of your books! You're really a lot of help! Giles
: No I don't suppose I am. Angel
: I know this is hard. Buffy
: What do you know about this? You're never gonna die! Angel
: You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way. Buffy
: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention! Giles
: Buffy if The Master rises... Buffy
] I don't care! I don't care. Giles I'm 16 years old, I don't wanna die.
: How could you let her go? Rupert Giles
: As the soon-to-be-purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not *let* her go.
: I'm sorry. It's just... been a really weird day. Xander
: Yeah, Buffy died and everything. Willow Rosenberg
: Wow, harsh. Rupert Giles
: Should've known that wouldn't stop you.
: It's getting hairy out there Giles. I killed three vampires last night, one of them was practically on school grounds. Rupert Giles
: Their numbers are increasing. Buffy
: And they're getting cockier. Look, I'm not loving it. Last night was a pretty close call. Rupert Giles
: Yes. Buffy
: Giles, care? I'm putting my life on the line battling the undead. Look, I broke a nail, okay? I'm wearing a press-on. The least you could do is exhibit some casual interest. You could go "hmmh". Rupert Giles
: That's okay. I can't put it off any longer. I have to meet my terrible fate. Rupert Giles
: [turns around quickly
] What? Buffy
: Something's going on, Rupert, and I'm guessing you already know what it is. Rupert Giles
: What do you know? Jenny Calendar
: Well, I have been surfing the 'Net, looking for unexplained incidents. You know, people are always sending stuff my way. They know the occult's my turf. Now, here is the latest. A cat last week gave birth to a litter of snakes. A family was swimming in Whisper Lake when the lake suddenly began to boil. And Mercy Hospital last night, a boy was born with his eyes facing inward. I'm not stupid. This is apocalypse stuff. And throw in last night's earthquake, and I'd say we've got a problem. I would say the end is pretty seriously nigh. Rupert Giles
] I don't know if I can trust you. Jenny Calendar
: I helped you cast that demon out of the Internet. I think that merits some trust. Look, I'm scared, okay? Oh, plus, I've got this, this crazy monk e-mailing me from Cortona about some Anointed One? Rupert Giles
: [Jumps up
] The Anointed One? He's dead! Jenny Calendar
: Someone's dead?
: [Quoting a bible passage, Isaiah 11:6
] "The wolf shall live with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the kid, the calf, the lion and the fatling together, and the little child to lead them." Jenny Calendar
: That's kinda warm and fuzzy for a message of doom.
: Buffy, I'm not gonna send you out there to die. Now, you were right. I-I've waded around in these old books for so long, I've forgotten what the real world is like. I-it's time I found out. Buffy
: You're still not going up against the Master. Rupert Giles
: I've made up my mind. Buffy
: So have I. Rupert Giles
: I made up my mine first! I'm older and wiser than you, and just... just do what you're told for once! Alright?
[Buffy and Spike are engaged after a spell goes wrong
: Spike and I are getting married. Xander
: How? What? How? Giles
: Three excellent questions.
: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now do you wanna be William the Bloody or just Spike? Cuz either way it's gonna look majorly weird. Spike
: Where as the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance. Buffy
: What's wrong with Buffy? Giles
: Oh, such a good question.
: [chained to Giles' bath
] Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I'll... Giles
: You'll do what? Lick me to death?
: We can't let you go until we're sure that you're-you're impotent or... Spike
: Hey! Giles
: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we know that you're-you're... Buffy
: Flaccid? Spike
: You are one step away, missy. Buffy
: Giles, help. He's gonna scold me.
: Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away. Giles
: Oh, please. Spike
: Giles, make her stop. Giles
: If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.
: Did Buffy tell you about the beer, 'cause... Giles
: Uh, Buffy didn't tell me anything. Willow
: Oh, well forget the beer part then. Giles
: Giles is blind?
[Xander starts waving his hand in front of Giles' face
: Stop, whatever you're doing. Y-You smell like Fruit Roll-Ups.
: How did you know it was me? Buffy
: Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me.
: Why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning? Giles
: As a matter of fact, I did.
: You know what gets me? This is what gets me. Twenty years I've been fighting demons. Maggie Walsh and her nancy ninja boys come in; six months later, the demons are pissing themselves with fear. They never even noticed me.
: [as a Fyarl Demon
] It's me, Giles. Ethan has turned me into a demon and I need your help.
[Xander wakes up
: Hello, yes. It's me. Xander Harris
: [only hearing demon growling
] Yaaaa! Giles
: Listen. Don't you understand me? Xander Harris
: Demon! Demon!
[as the Commando's take Ethan away
] If you don't mind, I'm just gonna go and watch them manhandle him into a vehicle.
: [Demon Giles
] If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear. Spike
: I'm doin' my best. I don't know if I'm drivin' this thing or wearin' it. Giles
: [Demon Giles
] It's perfectly serviceable. Spike
] Funny hearing a Fyarl demon say "serviceable". Had a couple of 'em working for me once. They're more like, "Like to crush. Crush now?" Strong though. You won't meet a jar you can't open for the rest of your life.
[Giles growls menacingly
] What was that? Did you growl? Giles
] What am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head. Ethan Rayne
: [suddenly sober
] Well, you won't have to worry about that anymore, mate. When you went to the loo, I slipped a small pellet of poison in your drink, you'll be dead in an hour.
[Giles stares at him
] Ethan Rayne
: Just kidding!
[they both laugh
: I'm gonna feel like hell in the morning. Ethan Rayne
: Relax. Enjoy the night. We're still a couple of sorcerers. The night is still our time.
: So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow? Willow
: Nothing strenuous. Xander
: Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind. Giles
: I think we can do better than that. Buffy
: I was thinking about shopping. As per usual. Willow
: Oh. There's an Arden B. in the new mall. Xander
: Oh, good. I could use a few items. Giles
: Well, now aren't we gonna discuss this? Save the world or go to the mall? Buffy
: I'm having a wicked shoe craving. Xander
: Aren't you on the patch? Willow
: Those never work. Buffy
: Never. Giles
: And here I am, invisible to the eye, not having any vote. Xander
: See, I need a new look. It's this whole eye patch thing. Buffy
: Oh, you could go with full black secret agent look. Willow
: Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash... Giles
: The Earth is *definitely* doomed.
: Did you find out anything about the scythe? Buffy
: It slices, dices, and makes julienne preacher. Giles
: Caleb? Buffy
: I cut him in half. Willow
: All right! Anya
: He had that coming. Xander
: Hey, party in my eye socket, and everyone's invited.
[everyone stares at Xander
: Sometimes I shouldn't say words.
: It's pretty radical, B. Giles
: It's a lot more than that. Buffy, what you said, it-it-it flies in the face of everything we've ever - every generation has ever done in the fight against evil. I think it's bloody brilliant. Buffy
: You mean that? Giles
: If you want my opinion.
[playing Dungeon's and Dragons
: I used to be a highly respected Watcher, and now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily.
: I don't understand. What did this?
[Buffy's final line
: I'll go dig up my sources - quite literally, actually. One or two people I have to speak to are dead.
: [playing a board game
] I used to be a highly respected watcher, and now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily. I just wish I could sleep. Dawn
: What kind of person could sleep on a night like this? Xander
: [strikes the sleeping Anya's head
] Only the crazy ones.
: Bay City Rollers. Now, that's music. Buffy
: I didn't hear that.
: I know music. Music has notes. This is noise.
: I'll bring the weaponry. Buffy
: I'll bring the party mix.
: Have I ever let you down? Giles
: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?
: Is everyone alright? Cordelia
: Super. I kicked a guy. Jenny Calendar
: We're okay. Xander Harris
: Dead guy here interrupted our tutorial.
[to dead guy
] Xander Harris
: Been meaning to thank you for that.
: Giles, what's going on? Giles
: It's complicated, Buffy, and quite frankly, it's private. Buffy
: I don't care from private! I care from dead guys attacking us. I care from you Lost Weekending in your apartment! Giles
: I wasn't. I was just trying to find a solution.
: Giles, share. What is the Mark of Eyghon? Giles
: This is not your battle. And as your Watcher, I'm telling you unequivocally to stay out of it!
: Hey, I know. Why don't *you* kill 'em? Rupert Giles
: I'm a Watcher, I-I haven't the skill. Buffy Summers
: Oh, come on. A stake through the heart, a little sunlight. It's like falling off a log. Rupert Giles
: A-A Slayer slays, a Watcher... Buffy Summers
: Watches? Rupert Giles
: Yes. No! He-he trains her, he-he-he prepares her... Buffy Summers
: Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead! Prepare me.
: Into each generation, a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a choosen one. One born with the... Giles
: -the strength and skill to hunt the vampires... Buffy
: To stop the spread of their evil blah, blah, blah, I've heard it, okay?
: A slayer should be able to see them anyway. Without looking, without thinking. Can you tell me if there's a vampire in this building? Buffy
: Maybe. Giles
: You should know. Even through this mass and this... din, you should be able to sense them. Well, try. Reach out with your mind. You have to hone your senses. Focus till the energy washes over you. Till you-you feel every particle of-of... Buffy
: There's one. Giles
: W-Where? Buffy
: Right there, talking to that girl. Giles
: You don't know... Buffy
: Oh, please! Look at his jacket. He's got the sleeves rolled up. And the shirt - Deal with that outfit for a moment. Giles
: It's dated. Buffy
: It's carbon-dated. Trust me, only someone living underground for ten years would think *that* was still the look.
: Dig a bit in the history of this place and you'll find a-a-a steady stream of fairly odd occurrences. I believe this whole area is the center of mystical energy, that things gravitate towards it that-that you might not find elsewhere. Buffy
: Like vampires. Giles
: Like zombies. Werewolves. Incubi, succubi... everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real. Buffy
: What? You, like, sent away for the Time Life series? Giles
: Uh, w-well, yes. Buffy
: D'ya get the free phone? Giles
: Um, the calendar.
: So, you like to party with the students? Isn't that kind of skanky? Giles
] Oh, right. This is me having fun. Watching clown hair prance about is hardly my idea of a party. I'd much rather be home with a cup Bovril and a good book. Buffy
: You need a personality, STAT.
: Because you are the slayer one girl in all the world with the strength... Buffy
: ...strength and skill to fight the vampires blah blah blah.
: Deal with that outfit for a moment. Rupert Giles
: It's dated? Buffy Summers
: It's carbon-dated.
: We'll get our memory back, and it'll all be right as rain. Spike
: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... bloody hell. Spike
: [Counting on his fingers
] Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks. Oh, God. I'm English. Giles
: Welcome to the nancy tribe. Spike
: You don't suppose you and I... we're not related, are we? Anya
: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance. Giles
: A-And you do inspire a, um, particular feeling of familiarity and... disappointment. Older brother? Spike
: [snorts; with certainty
] Father. Oh, God, how I must hate you. Giles
] What did *I* do?
: As, uh, proprietor of a-a-a magic shop, I propose we fight them. We can use things here in the shop. You know, 'magic tricks' or whatever they're called.
: What kind of oogly-boogleys? Lizardy types, or um, zombies, or, or vampires, or what? Giles
: There are no oogly-boogleys, Dawn.
: Well, maybe we all got... terribly drunk and this is some sort of, uh, blackout. Dawn
] I don't think I drink. Anya
: I-I don't see any booze. I don't feel any head bumps.
: I don't see Allen Funt.
: [Outside the Magic Box
] Send out Spike! Giles
: They seem to want spikes. Spike
[Spike goes to the back of the store, comes back with a handful of stakes
: Let's give 'em these. Giles
: Well done!
: [after Anya has created chaos in the Magic Box by randomly saying spells
] Look what you've done, you lunatic woman! Anya
: Don't blame me, you snobby, snotty, thinks he's so great kind of jerk... and I feel compelled to take some vengeance on you!
: God, no wonder I'm leaving you! Anya
: What? Giles
[pulls out the plane ticket
: One-way ticket to London, and out of this engagement! Anya
: Of all the nerve!
[Giles is in charge of the school talent show
: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny. Giles
: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped. Buffy
: Nah. I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch. Xander
: And mock. Willow Rosenberg
: And laugh.
[Cordelia's droning on and on. Giles starts staring at her hair
: What? Giles
: Oh, I-I'm sorry. Um, you're hair, uh... Cordelia
] There's something wrong with my hair?
[she touches her hair for a second
: Oh my God.
[She runs off
: Xander was right. It worked like a charm.
: Cordelia, there's a-a-an adage, uh, that, um, if you're feeling nervous, then, uh, you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear. Cordelia
: Ew! Even Mrs. Franklin? Eh. Giles
: Perhaps not.
: Every seven years these demons need human organs - a-a brain and a heart - to maintain their humanity. Otherwise, they-they-they revert back to their original form, which is, uh, slightly less appealing.
: The school talent show. How ever did you finagle such a primo assignment? Giles
: Our new Führer, Mr. Snyder. Willow Rosenberg
: I think they call them 'principals' now.
: A demon is a creature of evil, pure and very simple. A person driven to kill is, is, um, it's more complex. Willow Rosenberg
: The creep factor is also heightened. It could be anyone. It could be me!
[Gets looks from them all
] Willow Rosenberg
: It's not, though.
: And you are called? Kendra
: I am the Vampire Slayer. Buffy
: We got that part, honey. He means your name. Kendra
: Oh... They call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir. Buffy
: Can you say, "stuck in the eighties"?
: Is everything alright? Buffy
: Yeah, it's okay, Kendra killed the bad lamp.
: Good Lord. You *were* dead, Buffy. Buffy
: I was only gone for a minute. Giles
: Clearly it doesn't matter how long you were gone. You were physically dead, thus causing the activation of the-the next slayer. Kendra
: She died? Buffy
: Just a little.
: Ooo, good plan. Let's go. Charge! Giles
: Buffy. Buffy
: It's a little more complicated than that, John Wayne.
: There are forty-three churches in Sunnydale? That seems a little excessive. Willow
: It's the extra evil vibe from the Hellmouth. Makes people pray harder.
: So, you believe dat Spike is attempting to revive dis Drusilla to health? Giles
: Yes, well, I-I-I-I think that's the, uh, the dark power that your, your Watcher re-referred to. You see, uh, you see Drusilla's not only evil, she's, uh, well, she's also quite mad, and-and-and-and if she's restored to her full health, then, uh, well, there's no, absolutely no telling what she might do. Kendra
: Den we will stop Spike. Buffy
: Ooo, good plan, let's go, charge! Giles
: Buffy... Buffy
: It's a little more complicated than that, John Wayne. Giles
: Yes, I'm, I'm afraid it is. You see, Spike has also called out the Order of Taraka to keep Buffy out of the way. Kendra
: De assassins? I read of dem in de writings of Dramius.
: Honestly, what is it about them that bothers you so much? Giles
: The smell. Jenny Calendar
: Computers don't smell, Rupert. Giles
: I know. Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower, or a-a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences long forgotten. Books smell musty and-and-and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer is a - it, uh, it has no-no texture, no-no context. It's-it's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then-then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible, it should be, um, smelly.
: Well, you really are an old-fashioned boy, aren't you? Giles
: Well, I-I don't dangle a corkscrew from my ear. Jenny Calendar
: That's not where I dangle it.
: I need your help. But before that, um, I need you to believe something that, um, you may not want to. Uh, there's, uh- Something's got into... i-i-inside... There's a demon in the Internet. Jenny Calendar
: I know.
[everyone begins to leave library
: I'm just gonna stay and clean up a little.
[walks towards the stacks carrying books
: I'll-I'll, uh, I'll be back in the middle ages. Jenny Calendar
: Did you ever leave?
: Things involving a computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now if it were a nice ogre or some such I would be much more in my element.
: Besides, I can just tell something's wrong. My spider sense is tingling. Rupert Giles
: Your... spider sense? Buffy Summers
: Pop culture reference. Sorry.
: [Xander's dream Apocalypse Now
] We gotta keep goin' men. We gotta take that hill. Damn this war. Rupert Giles
: I have to say, I really feel Apocalypse Now is overrated. Xander Harris
] No, no, it gets better. I remember that it gets better. Soldier
: [in movie
] Oh my God. What's happened to my men? Augh! Buffy Summers
: Want some corn? Xander Harris
: Butter flavor? Buffy Summers
: New car smell. Xander Harris
: [In Xander's dream
] Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff. Rupert Giles
: Spike's like a son to me. Xander Harris
: That's good. I was into that for a while, but... I got other stuff goin' on. You gotta have something. Gotta be with movin' forward. Buffy Summers
: Like a shark. Xander Harris
: Like a shark with feet and... much less fins. Spike
: And on land. Rupert Giles
: Very good.
: [In Giles' dream, Spike is in black and white and posing for old style cameras
] I've hired myself out as an attraction. Rupert Giles
: Sideshow freak? Spike
: Well, at least it's showbiz.
: [In Giles' dream, he is onstage singing out exposition in the Bronze
] It's strange / It's not like anything / We've faced before. It seems familiar / somehow / of course. The spell we cast with Buffy / Must have released / Some primal evil / That's come back seeking / I'm not sure what / Willow / Look through the Chronicles for some reference / To a warrior beast / I've got to warn Buffy / There's every chance she might be next. And Xander / Help Willow / And try not to bleed / On my couch / I've just had it steam cleaned. No wait...
[microphone screeches and goes dead
: Come on, put your back into it. A Watcher scoffs at gravity.
: All right everyone, pay attention! In just a few moments, that curtain is going to open on our very first production. Now everyone that Willow's ever met is out in that audience, including all of us. That means we have to be perfect. Stay in character, remember your lines and energy, energy, energy especially in the musical numbers! Willow
: [not paying attention
] Did anyone see that? Giles
: Acting is not about behaviour, it's about hiding. The audience wants to find you, strip you naked and eat you alive, so hide.
[Harmony bites at his neck
: Stop that. Now, costumes, sets, um, the things that you, uh, you know, uh, you, um, you hold them, you touch them, uh, use them, um... Harmony Kendall
: Props? Giles
: No. Riley Finn
: Props? Giles
: Yes! It's all about subterfuge.
[Harmony continues attempting to bite him
: That's very annoying. Now, go on out there, lie like dogs and have a wonderful time. If we can stay in focus, keep our heads, and if Willow can stop stepping on everyones cues, I know this will be the best production of 'Death of a Salesman' we've ever done.
[Harmony continues attempting to bite him
: Stop it. Good luck everyone! Break a leg!
: I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh." Giles
: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse. Willow
: No, it can't be. We - we've done this already. Giles
: It's the end of the world. Everyone dies. It's rather important, really. Willow
: So what do we do? Buffy
: I stop it.
: It's the end of the world. Buffy
: The earthquake, that symbol is...
] Slick like gall, and gird in moonlight, father of portents and brother to blight... Buffy
: [takes over reading
] ... limbs with talons, eyes like knives. Bane to the blameless, theif of lives.
: I bought it at a sorcerer's estate sale. I really only glanced at it once, thought it was a knockoff.
: Oh, as usual. Dear.
: Who's a little fear demon? Come on. Who's a little fear demon? Giles
: Don't taunt the fear demon. Xander
: Why? Can he hurt me? Giles
: No, it's just tacky.
: Oh, bloody hell. The inscription. Buffy
: What's the matter? Giles
: I should've translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar. Buffy
: What's it say? Giles
: Actual size.
: The summoning spell for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the Mark of Gachnar...
[Buffy destroy's the Mark of Gachner
: ...is not one of them, and will in fact immediately bring forth the Fear Demon itself.
: Oh. My. God. Giles
: It's a sombrero. Buffy
: And it's on your head.
: We were supposed to meet at this house, and I got there and there was no door where a door should be. And then I see this girl standing in a window, and then poof! She's gone. Giles
: She vanished from the window? Anya
: No, the window vanished from the house.
: [Outside the Frat house where the front door has magically disappeared
] Well? Giles
: We're gonna have to create a door. Anya
: Create a door. You can do that? Giles
: [Picks up a chainsaw
] I can.
: I won't remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer. But, sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me... for hours... for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You have no respect for me or the job I perform.
[the gang angrily confronts Buffy on Angel's return
: You must've known it was wrong, seeing Angel, or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us. Buffy
: I was going to tell you, I was. It was just that I-I didn't know why he was back. I just wanted to wait. Xander
: For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy? Buffy
: I'm not going to... look... we're not together like that. Oz
: But you were kissing him. Buffy
: [to Xander
] You were spying on me? What gives you the right? Cordelia
: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again? Buffy
: It was an accident. Xander
: What? You just tripped and fell on his lips? Buffy
: It was wrong, okay? I know that and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me, I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for a second that Angel was gonna hurt anyone... Xander
: You would stop him? Like you tried the last time when he took down Miss Calendar?
: The fact is, there is talk in the Council that you have become a bit too... American. Giles
: Me? Buffy
[after meeting the new Watcher
: That was bracing. Buffy
: Interesting lady. Can we kill her? Giles
: I think the Council might frown upon that.
: Mr. Giles, where do you keep the rest of your books? Giles
: I-I'm sorry, the rest? Gwendolyn Post
: Yes, the *actual* library.
[pause while Giles looks confused
] Gwendolyn Post
: Oh, I see. Giles
: I can assure you, Mrs. Post, this is the finest occult reference collection... Gwendolyn Post
: This side of the Atlantic, I'm sure.
: She was, uh, kicked out by the Council a couple of years ago for misuses of dark power. They swear there was a memo.
: In other words, your typical male. Xander
: On behalf of my gender: Hey! Giles
: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions. Buffy
: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.
: You hunt werewolves f-for sport? Cain
: No, no, I'm in it purely for the money.
: Several animal carcasses were found mutilated. Willow
: You mean like bunnies and stuff? No, don't tell me. Oz
: Oh, don't worry. I mean, they might not look it, but bunnies can really take care of themselves.
: I must admit, I-I-I am intrigued. Werewolves. It's-it's one of the classics. I-I'm sure my books and I are in for a fascinating afternoon.
: My guess is that this werewolf will be back at next month's full moon. Willow
: What about tonight's full moon? Giles
: Pardon? Willow
: Well, last night was the night before the full moon. Traditionally known as... the night before the full moon.
: The werewolf, uh, is such a-a potent, e-e-extreme representation of our inborn, animalistic traits that it emerges for three full consecutive nights - the full moon, and, uh, the two nights surrounding it. Willow
: Quite the party animal. Giles
: Quite. And, it, uh, acts on-on-on pure instinct, no conscience, predatory and-and aggressive.
: We are not your friends. We are not your way to Buffy. There is no way to Buffy. Clear out of here. And Spike, this thing, get over it. Spike
: I don't know what you mean. Giles
: Yes you do. Move the hell on.
: And you're certain she was a robot? Buffy
: Absolutely. Tara
: Well, she practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass.
: Oh, do you have any books on robots? Giles
: Oh, yes, dozens. There's an enormous amount of research we should do before- no, I'm lying. I haven't got squat, I just like to see Xander squirm.
: You can't be responsible for what Spike thinks or feels. Buffy
: Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, "Woof. That's the one for me."
: Dear God, Buffy, there's only so much I can take. We're gonna have to change the system. A fourteen-year-old's too old to be babysat. And it's-it's not fair on her. Buffy
: What'd she make you do? Giles
: Um, well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys. Buffy
] I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my "fun time Buffy party night" involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window, so if you wanna trade... no... wait... I wouldn't give that memory up for anything.
: We just, uh, need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk. Willow
: Check. Candles and pretense.
[there are two Xanders
: They're kinda the same now. Giles
: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
: Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous. Giles
: Toth. Riley
: What? Buffy
: He called you a toth. It's a British expression, it means, like, moron. Giles
: No. Toth is the name of the demon.
: He had a very specific olfactory presence. Xander
: Well, I guess we're off to the old factory. I hate that place.
: I said, "Oh, dear Lord." Buffy
: You always say that. Giles
: Well it's always important.
: Our dreams are coming true. Rupert Giles
: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this.
: Probably be faster if we split up to look for her. Rupert Giles
: Good idea.
[Xander and Giles go in opposite directions leaving Willow standing there alone
: Uh-uh, faster, but not really safer.
: Red alert! Where's Buffy? Rupert Giles
: She just stepped out, her father came by, he needed to speak with her...
[looking at his outfit
] Rupert Giles
: what happened, where are your other clothes? Xander
: Oh don't I wish I had an answer to that question. Willow
: Xander kinda found himself in front of our class not wearing much of anything. Xander
: Except my underwear. Willow
] Yeah, it was really...
[with him glaring
: ... bad. It was a bad thing. Xander
: Bad thing? I was nude! 'Bad thing' doesn't cover it. Willow
: Everybody staring... I would hate to have everybody paying attention to me like that. Xander
: With nudity, it's a total nightmare! Willow
: Well, yeah, Xander... it's your nightmare. Xander
: Except for the part with me waking up going "it was all a dream..." It happened. Willow
: Like it happened to Wendell. The thing with the spiders -Wendell had a recurring dream about that. Rupert Giles
: And I've dreamt of getting lost in the stacks, of not being able to... of course. Xander
: Our dreams are coming true? Rupert Giles
] Dreams? That would be the musical comedy version of this. Our nightmares are coming true.
: [emerging from the grave
] I thought I was dead... Willow
: Buffy, your face... Buffy
: [feeling the transformation
] Oh, God, no... no... Don't look at me! Rupert Giles
] You never told me you dreamt of becoming a vampire. Buffy
: This isn't a dream. Rupert Giles
: No, it's not. But there is a chance that we can make it go away. This is all coming from Billy. He's crossed over from the nightmare world to the waking one, and he's brought his reality with him. Buffy
: He's afraid. Rupert Giles
: If we can wake him, I believe the nightmares will stop. Reality will shift back to the way it was. But we must do it now. Can you hold together long enough to help us? Buffy
: Yes, I can. Rupert Giles
: Thank you. Buffy
: But we'd better hurry. I'm getting hungry.
: I... I can't read. Buffy
: What do you mean? You can read, like three languages. Rupert Giles
: Five, actually, on a normal day. But the words here aren't making sense.
: I need you to take Spike for a few days. Xander
: What? Spike
: What? Anya
: What? Spike
: I'm not stayin' with him. Giles
: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone. Anya
: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend? Giles
: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
: All the time you used to talk to me about witchcraft and darkness and the like - I just thought you were being pretentious. Giles
: Oh, I was. I was also right. Olivia
: So everything you told me was true? Giles
: Well, no. Um, I wasn't actually one of the original members of Pink Floyd. But about the monster stuff, yes.
[no one can speak; all written or mimed
: Who are the Gentlemen? They are fairy tale monsters. What do they want?
[Willow points at her chest
: [cups hands at his chest and mouths
] Boobies? Giles
: Hearts. They come to a town. They steal all the voices so no one can scream. Then...
[Giles shows drawings of Gentlemen ripping out the heart from a person in bed
: They need seven, they have at least two. Xander
: How do we kill them?
[Buffy mimes stabbing, but looks more like masturbating; Giles, Willow and Xander look at Buffy with disturbed faces; Buffy mimes again with a stake; they all look relieved
: In the tales no sword can kill them.
: We're out of Weetabix Giles
: We are out of Weetabix because you ate it all. Again. Spike
: Get some more. Giles
: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood. Spike
: Yeah, well sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture. Giles
: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself. Spike
: This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms. Xander
: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends? Spike
: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on. Giles
: Please don't.
: Hello. Angel
: Um... I'm sorry to bother you. Giles
: [begins laughing sourly
] S-Sorry. Coming from you that phrase strikes me as rather funny. 'Sorry to bother me.' Angel
: I need your help. Giles
: And the funny keeps on coming.
: I need to know why I'm here. Giles
: Here? Back on Earth? Angel
: I should be in a demon dimension suffering an eternity of torture. Giles
: I don't feel particularly inclined to argue with that.
: Evil. Absolute evil, older than man, than demons. It could have had the power to bring Angel back.
: They're known as the, uh, as the Bringers, or-or Harbingers. They're high priests of the First. They, uh, they can conjure spirit manifestations and set them on people. Influence them, haunt them. Buffy
: These are the guys working the mojo on Angel. Xander Harris
: We gotta stop 'em. Giles
: You-you-you can't fight the First, Buffy. It's not a-a physical being. Buffy
: Well, uh, I can fight these priest guys.
: I can't come in unless you invite me.
[Giles enters holding a crossbow
: I'm aware of that.
: Sorry to barge in. I'm afraid we have a slight apocalypse.
: I'm afraid it falls to you, Buffy. Sorry. I mean, we'll do what we can, but you're the only one who has the strength to protect these girls - and the world - against what's coming.
: Giles, this is bad, isn't it? A new kind of bad. Giles
: Just in time for Christmas. Buffy
: You know, I didn't even realize it was December. Maybe when we get home, we should decorate the rubble.
: You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. We can't run, can't hide. Can't pretend it's not the end, 'cause it is. Something's always been there to try and destroy the world. We've beaten them back. But, we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First. Giles
: Buffy, um, I-I know you're-you're tired... Buffy
: I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. I'm standing on the mouth of hell and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Well, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now, 'cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them and cut out their hearts one by one until the First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil, and that's us. Any questions?
[presenting Buffy with secret Council files
: When I learned what was happening, I-I, um, I stole them. Anya
: And you blew the Council up. See, this is what happens when you're all stuffy and repressed, you overreact.
: Your daughter is meddling with something very dangerous. Are you aware of that? Catherine Madison
: [as Amy
] N- I don't know what you're talking about. Rupert Giles
: Oh, I think you know only too well. Catherine Madison
: [as Amy
] You've got to go. She's gonna be home soon and yo... Rupert Giles
: This girl is very sick. Now you will shut up and you will listen to me. Your daughter has access to some very powerful magics. And, somehow, your obsession with cheerleading has made... Catherine Madison
: [as Amy
] I don't care about cheerleading. It's not my fault she's doing stuff. Rupert Giles
: As her mother you should assume some responsibility for her actions. Catherine Madison
: [as Amy; laughing
] Well, you know, these kids today.
] Catherine Madison
: She's out of her mind. Ever since dad - her dad left, I can't control her. Rupert Giles
: You're afraid of her. Buffy
: Amy? Are you Amy? Rupert Giles
: I don't understand. Buffy
: She switched. She switched your bodies, didn't she? Rupert Giles
: Good lord. Buffy
: She wanted to relive her glory days. Catherine Madison
: [as Amy
] She said I was wasting my youth... so she took it.
: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia? Willow Rosenberg
: Maybe because they met her?
] Willow Rosenberg
: Did I say that?
: I got her, I got her, I got her! Cut her hand off! Buffy
: Xander, what are you doing? Xander Harris
] Saving you...? Buffy
: Get your hands off of her. Xander Harris
: But she's evil. Rupert Giles
: It wasn't exactly her. Amy Madison
: I was my mum. Xander Harris
: Oh. Willow Rosenberg
: [rushing in with a baseball bat
] Where is she? Xander Harris
: Oh, hey, look... It's cool! Willow Rosenberg
: It is? Xander Harris
: Yeah. I took care of it.
[Willow smiles, but everyone else just look weirdly and slightly amused at him
: See, that's the thrill of living on a Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of supernatural threats to face. Well pardon me for finding the glass half-full.
: [referring to the sick Buffy
] What are we going to do? Rupert Giles
: If we can get our hands on Amy's spell book I might be able to do a counter-spell that will reverse all of the spells Amy put on Buffy and the other cheerleaders. Willow Rosenberg
: What if we can't find it? Rupert Giles
: Well... then the only other option is to kill the witch by cutting her head off. Xander Harris
: [eagerly raises his right hand
] Show of hands!
: Recording bat sonar is something soothingly akin to having one's teeth drilled.
: Dr. Ferris Carlyle spent years transcribing a lost pre-Germanic language. What he discovered he kept to himself until several teenage boys were murdered in the Cotswolds. Then he went hunting for it. Buffy
: It being... Giles
: Uh, he calls her a She-Mantis. This type of creature, the Kleptes-Virgo, or, or virgin-thief, appears in - in many cultures. The Greek sirens, the Celtic sea maidens, who - who tore the living flesh from the bones of, um... Buffy
: Giles, while we're young!
: This computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one-one assumes it is entirely legal?
[Buffy and Willow speak at once
: Of course. Willow Rosenberg
: Entirely. Giles
: Right. Wasn't here. Didn't see it. Couldn't have stopped you.
: [discussing a sighting of Claw
] So, I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand - How many things am I afraid of? Giles
: Not many, and not substitute teachers as a rule.
: That's all he said? Fork Guy? Buffy
: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy. Giles
: I think there are too many 'guys' in your life.
[the gang looks at the vampire version of Willow from an alternate reality
: It's extraordinary. Willow
: It's horrible. That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay. Buffy
: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was. Angel
: Well, actually...
[pauses as Willow and Buffy look at him
: That's a good point.
: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya? Xander
: Will, we saw you at The Bronze. A vampire. Willow
: I'm not a vampire. Buffy
: You are. I-I mean you-you were. Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon? Giles
: Well, uh... something... something, um, very strange is happening. Xander
: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?
: [to Buffy about Principal Snyder
] I just hate the way he bullies people. He just assumes everyone's time is his. Giles
: Willow, get on the computer. I want you to take another pass at accessing the Mayor's files. Willow
[Faith strides into the library, followed by Wesley, panting and doubled over
] Well, that was a blast. Giles
: How did it go? Faith
: Princess Margaret here had a little trouble keeping up.
: Will, we saw you. At the bronze. A vampire. Willow
] I'm not a vampire. Buffy
: But you are, I mean you were... Giles, you planning to step in with an explanation any time soon? Giles
: [not a clue
] Well, something... something very strange is happening. Xander
: Can you believe the Watcher council let this guy go?
: Yes, Xander, once more you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form.
: Since Angel lost his soul, he's regained his sense of whimsy.
: In my years as... Watcher... I've buried too many people. But Jenny was the first I've loved. Buffy
: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't kill him for you... for her... when I had the chance. I wasn't ready. But I think I finally am.
: Why did you come here? This wasn't your fight.
: How serious are you about this? Buffy
: 10? Serious to the amount of 10?
: A Guide, but no food or water. So it leads me to the sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones? Giles
: Buffy, please... It takes more than a week to bleach bones.
: So, how's it start? Giles
: I, uh, jump out of the circle, then I jump back in it. And then I, um, I shake my gourd. Buffy
: Oh, I know this ritual. The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around. Giles
: Go quest.
[Giles performs the ritual
: And that's what it's all about.
: What's in the trunk? Giles
: Supplies. Buffy
: Supplies? Was wondering about that. Like food, water, maybe a compass? Giles
: What about a book, a gourd and a bunch of twigs? Buffy
: I don't think I'll be that hungry.
: And you say this demon wanted cash? That's very unusual. Rupert Giles
: Demons after money. What ever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.
: It's down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town. Rupert Giles
: Again, see? No standards. Any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt.
: There's a reference here to the journal of Desmond Kane, pastor of a town called Sharpsville. "May 26, 1723. Tomorrow is the Ascension. God help us all." It was the last anyone heard. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
: Of Kane? Rupert Giles
: Of Sharpsville.
: Find anything? Rupert Giles
: Six course banquet of nothing with a scoop of sod all as a palette cleanser.
: This is the SATs, Buffy, not connect the dots. Please pay attention. A low score could seriously harm your chances of getting into college. Buffy
: Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off.
: [teenage Giles
] Let's find the demon and-and kick the crap out of it.
: [to Snyder
] You filthy little ponce! Are you afraid of a little demon?
: So Ethan, what are we playing? We're pretty much in a talk or bleed situation. Your call. Giles
: Hit him. Ethan Rayne
: I-I'd just like to point out that this wasn't my idea. Buffy
: Meaning? Ethan Rayne
: I'm subcontracting. It's Trick you want. I'm just helping him collect a tribute, for a demon. Giles
: He's lying. G'on hit him. Buffy
: [to Giles
] I don't think he is and shut up. Giles
: You're my Slayer. Go knock his teeth down his thro... Buffy
: What demon? Ethan Rayne
: I don't remember.
[Buffy punches Ethan
: [punches the air
: [looking at Marcie Ross' yearbook
] 'Have a nice summer', 'Have a nice summer'. This girl had no friends at all. Giles
: Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap. Buffy
: 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say. Xander
: It's the kiss of death.
: From what I've heard, uh, having a-a ghost pass through you is a singular experience. It's a-it's a rather, uh, cold, amorphous feeling, makes your hair stand on end.
: I'd have to say you're right. Buffy
: I love it when he says that! Any theories? Giles
: Uh, I'm, uh, it's a bit of a puzzle, really. Um, I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before. Xander
: Maybe it's a vampire bat.
[no response from the others
: I'm alone with that one, huh?
: It's a rudimentary concept that, that reality is shaped, even, even... created by our perception. Buffy
: And with the Hellmouth below us sending out mystical energy... Giles
: People perceived Marcie as, as, as invisible, and, and, and, and she became so!
: Vampires are creeps. Giles
: Yes. That's why one slays them. Buffy
: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along and then vampires come and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and everyone's like, "Oh, look! A mini-pizza!" but I'm telling you, I have... Giles
] Buffy, I-I-I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh, text.
: I guess you should know since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time. Giles
: Yes, do let's bring that up as often as possible.
: Any others? Giles
: Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not. Buffy
: What? I kill vampires, that's my job. Giles
: Well, true, true, although you don't usually beat them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand. Everything alright? Buffy
: Yeah! Fine!
[She walks around him, steps up onto the bench and sits on the backrest
: I killed a vampire here on Wednesday. Why are they hanging out at the park? Giles
: Well, they're... scattered, you know. Now their leaders are gone, with any luck dead. In times of crisis they usually return to the easiest feeding grounds. Buffy
: Vampires are creeps. Giles
: Yes, that's why one slays them.
: Buffy is not going to jail. It's not fair. Giles
: Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. She's taken a human life. The guilt is... it's pretty hard to bear. It won't go away soon. Cordelia Chase
: I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time. Giles
: Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible.
[Cordelia and Giles are looking at demons in books
: Eww, what does this do? Giles
: What? Cordelia
: What does this do? Giles
: Uh, it, uh, extracts vital organs to replenish its own mutating cells. Cordelia
: Wow. What does this one do? Giles
: Um, i-it elongates its mouth to, uh, engulf its victim's head with its incisors. Cordelia
: Ouch. Wait, what does this one do?
[points to another
] It asks endless questions of those with whom it's supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done. Cordelia
: Boy, there's a demon for everything.
: Nobody told me I was supposed to bring a gift. I was out of the loop on gifts. Giles
: It's-it's traditional among... erm... people.
: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact? Cordelia
: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.
: Finding out who this thing is takes priority. Cordy, you should go with Giles. Giles
: Why do I have to have...
[at look from her
: Erm, good thinking.
: We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel. Cordelia
: Now, let's be clear, the brain damage happened before I hit you.
: "Session interrupted"? Who said you could interrupt you stupid, useless fad? No, I said "fad," and I'll say it again. Xander
: And, at that point, I will become frightened.
: There is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents. Buffy
: And in some language that's English? Oz
: Fairy tales are real. Buffy
: Hans and Gre- Hansel and Gretel? Xander
: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Bread crumbs, ovens, gingerbread house? Giles
: Of course. It makes sense now. Buffy
: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place. Giles
: Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and-and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by-not by destroying men but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes. Buffy
: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch. Giles
: And then she and, probably, dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history, happened in Salem, not surprisingly.
: Giles, we need those books. Giles
: Believe me, I've tried to tell that to the nice man with the big gun.
[Standing before the gang as they prepare to leave to fight evil hell-goddess Glory
: Remember: The ritual starts, we all die; and I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn.
[turns and leaves the room
: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it? Giles
: [picking up remaining weapons
] We few, we happy few... Spike
: ...we band of buggered.
[as the group ponders how to stop Glory
: Okay, but I'm still not hearing enough ideas. She's a God, let's think outside the box. Spike
: Why don't you go think outside the bleeding box. Giles
: Yes, Anya. Apart from your incredibly uninfectious enthusiasm have you anything else to contribute? Anya
: The Dagon Sphere. Giles
: Sorry? Anya
: When Buffy first met Glory she found that magical, glowy sphere that was meant to repel Glory. We've got it in the basement. It might drive her away or hurt her. Oh. And Olaf the troll god's enchanted hammer. You wanna fight a god, use the weapon of a god. Spike
: Nah, that thing's too heavy to...
[Buffy easily picks up the hammer
: Yeah, good. Buffy
: I like this. Thanks. Anya
: Here to help. Wanna live.
: This is how many apocalypses for us now? Giles
: Oh, uh, well, six at least. Feels like a hundred. Buffy
: I've always stopped them. Always won. Giles
: Yes. Buffy
: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much. But I knew, what was right. I don't have that anymore. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world, if these are the choices. If everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point. I just wish that- I just wish my mom was here.
: The spirit guide told me, that death is my gift. I guess that means a Slayer really is just a killer after all. Giles
: I think you're wrong about that. Buffy
: It doesn't matter. If Dawn dies, I'm done with it. I'm quitting.
: She could've killed me. Giles
: No, she couldn't. Never. And, sooner or later, Glory will reemerge and make Buffy pay for that mercy. And the world with her. Buffy even knows that, and still she couldn't take a human life. She's a hero, you see. She's not like us. Ben
: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke. Xander
: For twenty-one hours? Willow
: It's addictive, you know. Rupert Giles
: We'll deal with that when we've ruled out evil curses. Buffy Summers
: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying.
: Come on. Can't you put your foot down? Rupert Giles
: It is down. Buffy Summers
: One of these days, you're gonna have to get a grown-up car.
: It's definitely all boys' clothes. Why would a girl pack these? Buffy Summers
: How about this one? What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse... and doesn't even pack lipstick?
: So, can I go? Rupert Giles
: I think not. Buffy Summers
: How come? Rupert Giles
: Because you are the Chosen One. Buffy Summers
: Mm, just this once I'd like to be the Overlooked One. Rupert Giles
: Yeah well, I'm afraid that is not an option. You have responsibilities that other girls do not. Buffy Summers
: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bitty blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone. Rupert Giles
] It's as if you know me.
] Rupert Giles
: Your secret identity is gonna be difficult enough to maintain while this exchange student is living with you.
[Xander gets up and separates them
: Not *with* her. In the same house as her. Am I the only one who's objective enough to make that distinction? Buffy Summers
: So! I think going to the dance like a normal person would be the best way to keep that secret. Giles, come on, budge! No one likes a non-budger.
: I wonder if asking Ms. Chase to dance would... Giles
: For God's sake, man, she's 18, and you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about.
: And I shall be wearing pink taffeta, as chenille will not go with my complexion. Can we *please* talk about the ascension.
: I had no idea that children, en masse, could be gracious.
: It's particularly vicious. It's a sort of, um, demon foot soldier, bred during the Mahkash wars. Trained solely to kill, they feed off the brains of their foes.
: They're gonna expect me to... to be like a Slayer and, and know stuff, but I'm just me and I don't know anything and they're gonna to go away and they're not gonna tell me how to fight Glory and I'm not gonna be able to protect Dawn. Giles
: Buffy, calm down. The scandal here is not anything you've done wrong, it's the way they're behaving. Holding what they know hostage, with a gun pointed at my bleeding green card no less. It's humiliating. Buffy
: Also smart. They picked the perfect thing. I can't lose you.
: You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the "Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal." So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary... Giles
] Retroactive. Buffy
: ...to be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will continue my work with the help of my friends... Lydia
: I-I-I... don't want a sword thrown at me, but-but, civilians, I - we're talking about children. Buffy
: We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon. Anya
: Willow's a demon?
: You used to respect us, Giles. You used to be one of us. Giles
: You used to pay me.
: I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I've finally figured out why. Power. I have it. They don't. This bothers them. Glory came to my home today. Giles
: Buffy, are you... Buffy
: Just to talk. She told me I'm a bug. I'm a flea. She could squash me in a second. Only she didn't. She came into my home, and we talked. We had what, in her warped brain, probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her.
: Giles, you're in pace mode. What gives? Rupert Giles
: Um, this vampire who escaped, did you see what he took? Buffy
: No, but I can take a guess and say it was something old. Rupert Giles
: You made no effort to find out what was taken? Buffy
: Have a cow, Giles.
: You're behaving remarkably immaturely. Buffy
: You know why? I am immature. I'm a teen. I've yet to mature.
: I really have to bail, but I promise I'll be back bright and early tomorrow and ready to slay. Rupert Giles
: This is a matter of some urgency, Buffy. Buffy
: I realize that. Well, you have to admit I kinda lack in the book area. I mean, you guys are the brains. I'd only be here for moral support anyway. Xander
: That's untrue, Buffy, you totally contribute. You go for snacks. Willow Rosenberg
: [helping Buffy
] She should go. You know, gather her strength. Rupert Giles
: Perhaps you're right. There may be fierce battles ahead. Xander
] But Ho-Ho's are a vital part of my cognitive process.
: This ring is worn only by members of the Order of Taraka. It's a society of deadly assassins dating back to King Solomon. Xander
: And didn't they beat the Elks this year in the Sunnydale Adult Bowling League Championships? Rupert Giles
: Their credo is to sow discord and kill the unwary. Xander
: Bowling is a vicious game.
: I don't know how many more ways I can say "I'm not interested." Xander Harris
: Well, try one! Check these flavors. Cherry-Berry. Maple Walnut. Ooh, Almond Licorice. Anya
: Ew. Xander Harris
: Anya, we don't say 'ew' in front of potential customers. Anya
: Just skip this part and tell him you want money to buy me pretty things. He'll understand. Rupert Giles
] Very well. Um, Maple Walnut. Xander Harris
: An excellent choice. Rupert Giles
: [Giles takes a bite, then looks disgusted
] Please leave my home now. Xander Harris
: It's the, uh, the gritty texture, isn't it? Maybe you're more of a Cherry-Berry fellow.
: [after bandaging Spike
] It'll be dark soon. I think it would be wise for you to leave Sunnydale. Spike
: I'm not going anywhere. Not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was. Xander Harris
] Sure. Just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people. Spike
] You think that would work? Rupert Giles
: Spike. Lord knows why I'm telling you this... it's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation, it's not safe for you here. Buffy Summers
: [walking in
] No. It's not safe for any of us.
[Giles enters Spike's mausoleum
: Here, wipe your feet when you enter a person's home. Rupert Giles
: Oh, yes, careless of me. Tracking mud all over your, um, mud. Spike
: I admit, it's a bit of a fixer-upper. Needs a woman's touch. Care to have a crack at it? Rupert Giles
: While I'd love to go on trading jabs with you, Spike, perhaps I'll come to the point. Much as it pains me to say it, um, I owe you a debt of gratitude for the help you provided me in my recent... metamorphosis. Spike
: Stuff the gratitude. You owe me more than that, mate. Rupert Giles
: [pulls out a bundle of bills
] Three hundred. Count it if you'd-
[Spike snatches it out of his hand
] Rupert Giles
: like. Spike
: I'll do that.
] Rupert Giles
: Um, thinking about your, um, affliction and, uh, your new-found discovery that you can fight only demons, it occurs to me that, um-
] Rupert Giles
: I realize this is completely against your nature but I, I, I... Has it occurred to you there may be a higher purpose... Spike
: Uhh! You made me lose count. What are you still doing here? Rupert Giles
: Talking to myself, apparently. Spike
: Well, piss off, then. This bit of business wraps up any I got with you and your Slayerettes. From here on, I want nothing to do with the lot of you. Rupert Giles
: Your choosing to remain in Sunnydale might make that a little difficult. Spike
: Well, you and yours will just have to show a little restraint, is all. Now get out.
[Giles heads for the door
: And I don't want you crawling back here, knocking on my door, pleading for help the second Teen Witch's magic goes all wonky or little Xander cuts a new tooth. We're through. Got it?
: Soldier boys are out in force. I've been trying to keep 'em off my scent. Run 'em in circles. But they just keep coming. Rupert Giles
: And... how is this our concern? Seeing that you've expressed a desire to have nothing more to do with us. Xander Harris
: Spike said that? Rupert Giles
: Mm-hmm. Xander Harris
: [to Spike
] That hurts. Spike
: All right. What do you want me to say? I need help.
[points at Giles
: And no cheek from you.
[Giles pantomimes zipping his lips shut
: Look! The bugers shot me. In the back. Rupert Giles
: Remind me. Why should I help you? Spike
] Because you do that. You're the goody-good guys. You're the bloody freakin' cavalry. Rupert Giles
: No, you can come up with a better answer than that. Why should *I* help *you*? Spike
: Oh! Because I helped you!
: When you turned into that Fyarl demon, I helped you, didn't I? Rupert Giles
: And that was out of the, um, evilness of your heart? Spike
] Oh, hell no. I made you pay me-
[stops at Giles' hard expression
: You right bastard.
[hands him crumpled money
: That's all that's left. I spent the rest on blood and smokes, which I'll never see again.
[Xander and Anya are still watching him from the couch
: Ah, come on! Circle the wagons. Tend to the wounded here. No time for layabouts!
: How long exactly did you rest your eyes for? Xander
: A little now, uh, a little then. But I never heard Oz leave, and he was here in the morning when I, um when I... Giles
] Woke up! Xander
: You could put it that way if you want to, Mr. Technical.
: [after Buffy has accidentally shot him with a tranquilizer gun she was aiming at Oz
] Oh right, bloody priceless!
: And time moves quite differently there, so... Buffy
: I remember. So, he would have been down there for hundreds of years? Giles
: Yes. Buffy
: Of torture.
: Clearly, we're looking for a depraved, sadistic animal. Oz
: Present. Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable.
: We have to put this in your brain. Spike
: Bugger that.
: Everything's terrible. Total catastrophe. Buffy Summers
: Giles, what's wrong? Giles
: Have you seen the new library? There's-there's-there's nothing but computers. There's not a book to be seen.
: So, it might not work? Giles
: Well, the stone's just a catalyst for the process. The rest is up to Spike. Spike
: And how do you expect to get that hunk of rubble into my cranium?
: Oh, you have got to be joking. What now? Giles
: It has to access the cerebral cortex via the optic nerve. Spike
: Oh, bollocks. All the rubbish people keep sticking in my head, it's a wonder there's any room for my brain. Giles
: I don't think it takes up that much space, do you?
: Ah, this is perhaps Faith. Faith
: [eyes him
] New Watcher? Buffy
, Rupert Giles
: New Watcher. Faith
: Screw that.
[she turns and leaves
: [to Giles
] Now why didn't I just say that? Rupert Giles
: Eh, Buffy, would you... Buffy
: I'll see if I can get her back.
[to Wesley, snidely
: Don't say anything incredibly interesting while I'm gone.
[she walks off
: I have, in fact, faced two vampires myself, under controlled circumstances, of course. Rupert Giles
: No danger of finding those here. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
: Vampires? Rupert Giles
: Controlled circumstances.
: You know what I want. Rupert Giles
: If it's for me to scrub those hard-to-reach areas, I'd like to request you kill me now.
: You're not helping. Rupert Giles
: I know. I feel just sick about it.
: I'll have you know I was just accosted by some kind of, um, locker monster. Rupert Giles
: Loch Ness Monster? Buffy
: *Locker* monster is what he said.
: You should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong.
: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's-it's... it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it. Buffy
: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with. Xander
: He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.
[Buffy leaves the room
] Cordelia Chase
: Okay. Over-identify much?
: Ooh! Sounds like paranormal phenomena. Willow
: A ghost? Cool! Xander
: Oh, no, no, no. No cool. This was no wimpy chain-rattler. This was, 'I'm dead as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.' Rupert Giles
: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist. Xander
: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning! Buffy
: So we have some bad boo on our hands? Rupert Giles
: Yes. Willow
: Well, why is it here? Does it just wanna scare people? Rupert Giles
: Unfortunately he doesn't know exactly what he wants. That's-that's the trouble. See, uh, many times, the spirit is plagued by all manner worldly troubles. Being dead, it has no way to-to-to make its peace. So it-it lashes out, growing ever more confused, ever more angry. Buffy
: So it's the normal teenager... only dead. Willow
: Well, what can we do? Is there any way to stop it? Rupert Giles
: Well, the only tried and true way is to work out what unresolved issues keep it here and-and-and-and, um, resolve them. Buffy
: Fabulous. Now we're Dr. Laura for the deceased. Rupert Giles
: Only if we can find out who the spirit is... or was.
: I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards. Xander
: Did you tell them that? Giles
: Your secret dies with me. Xander
: Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.
[Giles grins while Xander walks away and claps his hands over his lowered head
: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate? Buffy
: Uh-huh. Giles
: And, uh, there's a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor? Buffy
: Yes. Giles
: And, well, otherwise, all his spare time's spent lounging about with imbeciles? Buffy
: It's bad, isn't it? Giles
: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course, you'll have to kill him.
: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate? Buffy Summers
: Uh-huh. Rupert Giles
: And there's a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor? Buffy Summers
: Yes. Rupert Giles
: And otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles? Buffy Summers
: It's bad, isn't it? Rupert Giles
: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course, you'll have to kill him.
: Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.
: [about Dawn
] You know, uh, she kinda has a crush on me. Giles
: Your point being? Xander
: Oh, nothing. No. Just saying... powerful being... big energy gal, diggin' the Xan man. Some guys are just cooler, you know?
: All we have to worry about right now is that she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane. Xander
: A *crazy* hellgod? And the fun just keeps on leaving!
: [holding the frilly dress Buffy received
] Oh, it's just so lovely! Ooh, I wish it was mine!
[the group gives her a funny look
: Oh, like you weren't all thinking the same thing! Giles
: I'm fairly certain I wasn't.
[whispers to Xander
: I've got one just like it.
: [about the hospital
] Man, words cannot express how much I hate this place. Rupert Giles
: It's dreadful. Anya
: It's like communism.
: Are you alright? Willow Rosenberg
: Yeah. Rupert Giles
: Ah, yes. 'Cause your good mood is both obvious and contagious.
: I hope this isn't a return. Everyone wants petrified hamsters and they're never happy with them.
[Xander is examining an Initiative taser rifle
: So. Here it is. The latest in state-of-the-art combat technology. I gotta say it doesn't look that complicated. Buffy
: So can you repair it? Xander
: Sure. Just as soon as I get my Master's degree in advanced starship technology. Willow
: Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens. Giles
: Uh, I'd like to veto that. Xander
: Second. It's called a blaster, Will. A word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called "the orgasminator", I'd be the first to try your basic button-press approach.
[in a dark alley
: Spike. Giles
: What are you doing here? Spike
: Me? Hey, I'm not the one out of place here. Xander
: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue Slayer on our hands. Real psycho-killer, too. Spike
: [faux concerned
] Sounds serious. Giles
: It is. What do you know? Spike
: [faux helpfully
] What do you need? Xander
: Her. Dark hair, yea tall. Name of Faith. Criminally insane. Giles
: Have you seen her? Spike
: [faux frown
] Is this bird after you? Xander
: In a bad way. Yeah. Spike
: Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you.
[Grins. Giles and Xander stare at him, speechless. Spike rolls his eyes and sighs
: Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening'd be dull.
[starts to leave, deliberately bumping into Xander's shoulder
: Go ahead! You wouldn't even recognize her! Spike
: [faces them, walking backwards
] Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith. Criminally insane. I like this girl already. Xander
: [to Giles
] We're dumb.
: [after Buffy hung up the phone
] What is it? Buffy
: It's Faith. She's awake. She beat someone up, took her clothing and disappeared out of the hospital. No one knows where she is. Xander
: I'd say this qualifies for a "worse timing ever" award. Willow
: What do we do? Giles
: Well, we have to find her. Willow
: What about Adam? Xander
: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic. Buffy
: Well, Faith's not exactly low-profile girl. I'll patrol and wait for her to make a move. Giles
: And then what? Willow
: Oh! I have an idea. Beat the crap out of her.
: Good plan! Buffy
: Good on paper. But we still have a decision to make. Do we hand her over to the cops? They wouldn't know what to do with a Slayer even if they knew we existed. Willow
: What about the Council? Xander
: Been there. Tried that. Not unlike smothering a forest fire with napalm, as I recall. Giles
: Well, the Initiative, they do have, uh, containment facilities. Xander
: One word: evil. Buffy
: There's no way around it. Faith is back and, whether I like it or not, she's my responsibility. Willow
: Yeah, too bad. That was the funnest coma ever. Buffy
: We have no idea where she is. We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling. Xander
] Who she's doing. Buffy
: She could be terrified. Maybe she doesn't even remember? Or-or maybe she does and-and she's sorry and she's alone, hiding somewhere? Giles
: Uh, perhaps there's some form of, uh, rehabilitation we just haven't thought about? Willow
: And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid Plan B. Buffy
: I'm not gonna rule it out. First thing, we need to find her. Then we can take it from there. Riley
: [having listened to all this in bewilderment
] Who's Faith?
: What? No hug? Aren't you pleased to see your old mate, Rupert? Giles
: I'm just surprised I didn't guess it was you. This Halloween stunt stinks of Ethan Rayne. Ethan Rayne
] Yes, it does doesn't it? Don't wish to blow my own trumpet, but it's genius. The very embodiment of "Be careful what you wish for." Giles
: It's sick, brutal, and it harms the innocent. Ethan Rayne
: [sizing him up
] Oh, and we all know that you are the champion of innocents and all things pure and good, Rupert. It's quite a little act you've got going here, old man. Giles
: It's no act... It's who I am. Ethan Rayne
: Who you are? The Watcher, sniveling, tweed-clad guardian of the Slayer and her kin? I think not. I know who you are, Rupert, and I know what you're capable of... But they don't, do they? They have no idea where you come from. Giles
: Break the spell, Ethan. Then leave this place and never come back. Ethan Rayne
: Why should I? What's in the bargain for me? Giles
: You get to live. Ethan Rayne
] Oh Ripper. You're scaring me.
: Alright, let's-let's-let's review. Um, so everybody became whatever they were masquerading as. Willow Rosenberg
: Right. Xander was a soldier and Buffy was an eighteenth-century girl. Giles
: [staring at her rocker babe outfit
] And-and your-your costume? Willow Rosenberg
: I'm a ghost. Giles
: Yes. Um, a-a - the ghost of what, exactly?
: Hello, Ethan. Ethan Rayne
: Hello, Ripper.
: [At the magic shop, Anya hands a paper bag to a customer, smiling
] Thank you for coming. We value your patronage.
[Yelling after the departing customer
: Please come again for more purchases! Rupert Giles
: Could we please be a little less effusive, Anya? Don't want to frighten the people Anya
: I'm just so excited. They come in, I help them... they give us money in exchange for goods... you give me money for working for you... I have a place in the world now. I'm part of the system.
: I'm a working gal. Rupert Giles
] Yes. Well, why don't you start organizing the shipping orders. Anya
: Oh, no, that's boring. I just want to do the money parts.
: [about helping Buffy clear her Residence room
] But we just helped her move the stuff in a few days ago...
[turns and sees Buffy
: ... and it was fun! Rupert Giles
: [Reading a book
] People help each other out, Anya. It's one of our strange customs. Buffy Summers
: Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping. Rupert Giles
: Well, I saw myself in more of a... patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling.
[Smiles. Looks to his left, points and scowls
] Rupert Giles
: You two, stop that!
: [Trying to think of what to get Tara for her Birthday
] Well, candles, maybe, or bath oils of some kind. Buffy Summers
: I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomy's... but, I think I want me to have it. Rupert Giles
: [Comes over
] And you are talking about what on earth? Buffy Summers
: Tara's birthday. We're at a loss. Rupert Giles
: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid. Xander Harris
: Well, we don't really know... the kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball? Rupert Giles
: Bloody well better not! I've got mine already wrapped.
: A true creature of evil can survive the process. No human ever has. Xander
: What's the problem? We send Cordy to fight this guy and we go for pizza.
: Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor. Xander
: You could have just said, "Shh." God, are all you Brits such drama queens?
: If Drusilla is alive, then i-i-it could be a fairly cataclysmic state of affairs. Xander
: Again, so many words. Couldn't you just say we'd be in trouble? Rupert Giles
: Go to class, Xander. Xander
: Gone. Notice the economy of phrasing. "Gone." Simple. Direct.
: Unbelievable! "Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead!" Americans!
: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny? Cordelia
: What's the difference? Oz
: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny. Xander
: Well, I hate brie. Cordelia
: I know. It smells like Giles' cat. Giles
: It's not my...
: I got in a few hours ago, but, I went to go see my mom first. Giles
: Yes. Yes, of course. H-How did you find her? Buffy Summers
: Well, I pretty much remembered the address.
] But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll *never* be a good reporter. Rupert Giles
: [not getting it
] Hmm? Xander
: Jimmy Olsen jokes are pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?
: The Sisterhood of the Jhe, an apocalypse cult. They exist solely to bring about the world's destruction. And we've not seen the last of them. More will follow.
: What are you doing here? Xander
: Oh, we were just raising, uh, some heck. Jack O'Toole
: Xander! Go! Xander
: Listen, do you guys need any help? Rupert Giles
: Hm? Oh, no, no, thank you. Probably best if you-you stay out of trouble. Xander
: No chance of that. Jack O'Toole
: Xander! Motor! Rupert Giles
: There's something different about this menace, something in the air. The stench of death. Xander
: Yeah, I think it's Bob.
: Buffy no longer needs a Watcher. Cordelia
: Well does he have to leave the country? I mean, you got fired and you still hang around like a big loser, why can't he?
: There's a certain, um, dramatic irony attached to all this. A synchronicity that borders on-on predestination, one might say. Buffy
: Fire bad. Tree pretty. Giles
: Yes, sorry. I'll go an tend to Wesley, see if he's still, um, whimpering.
: Here's your coffee, brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid. Giles
: Thank you.
[takes a sip
[takes another sip
: Aren't you supposed to be drinkin' tea, anyway? Giles
: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense. Xander
: Okay. But you're destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype, here.
: [about Jonathan
] So, we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool? Giles
: Yes. Xander
: That is so cool.
[Giles and company are researching old magic books
] Riley Finn
: These spells, these really work? I mean, can you really "turn your enemies inside out"? Or "learn to excrete gold coins"? Anya
: That one's not so much fun. Willow Rosenberg
: They work, Riley. But they take concentration, being attuned with the forces of the universe. Xander Harris
: Right. You can't just go "librum incendere" and expect...
[Xander's book bursts into flames and he slams it shut, extinguishing it
] Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar? Giles
: Yes. It-it was a gift.
: Nervous? Xander
: No way. I'm full of that good old kamikaze spirit. Rupert Giles
: Xander, just because this is never gonna work is no need to be negative.
: You've got some nerve, lady.
[Opens Buffy's weapon bag
] Colonel McNamara
: You think you and your friends can just keep waltzing into a government installation brandishing weapons like -
[Stops and considers something he just picked out of the bag
] Colonel McNamara
: Like -
[Stops, unable to name the thing
] Willow Rosenberg
: It's a gourd. Rupert Giles
: Magic gourd. Colonel McNamara
: [Stares in disbelief
] What kind of freaks are you people?
: [Preforming spell
] Spiritus... Spirit.
[She hands a card to Xander
: Animus... Heart.
[Willow hands a card to Giles
] Rupert Giles
: Sophus... Mind. Willow Rosenberg
: And Manus... The hand.
: Spike. That's what the other vampire called him? That's a little unorthodox, isn't it? Buffy Summers
: Maybe he's Reform.
: For three nights, the unholy ones scourge themselves into a fury, um, culminating in a savage attack on the Night of St. Vigeous. Xander Harris
: Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night? Cordelia Chase
: You sure don't.
: [looking at a book
] Oh, there you are. Jenny Calendar
: There who is? Rupert Giles
: Our new friend Spike. He's known as William the Bloody. Earned his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes. Very pleasant. Oh, here's some good news: he's barely two hundred. He's not even as old as Angel is. Oh. Xander Harris
: That's a bad look, right? Rupert Giles
: I think your suggestion of running away this Saturday might've been a good one. Spike has fought two Slayers in the last century, and... he's killed them both.
: It appears to be paranormal in origin. Willow Rosenberg
: How can you tell? Rupert Giles
: Well, it's so shiny.
: Xander? There's too many of them - people. A-A-And they all seem to want things. Xander
: I hear ya. Stay British. You'll be okay.
: You're out of crystal balls. Those babies are really popular with the amateurs. Better restock and raise the price 10% - make it 15. Rupert Giles
: Anya... Anya
: Your cash register looks like squirrels nest in it. Rupert Giles
: Anya... Anya
: And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power. Better institute a 7-day background check for... Rupert Giles
] Rupert Giles
: Would you like a job? Anya
: Okay. Rupert Giles
: Good. Then we can talk shop tomorrow. Anya
: Okay... Boss.
: Sorry you guys, we're on a clock here. Okay, A-Adam was at that cave, so maybe he was there for a reason. I-I-I could - I could go back, scope it out, track him if I have to. Willow
: Right, and then, maybe you'll get lucky, and he'll still be there and he can rip your arms off for you. Buffy, you can't go back alone. Giles
] You never train with me anymore; he's going to kick your arse. Buffy
: Giles! Giles
: [next drink in hand
] Sorry, was that a bit honest?
: Terribly sorry.
: [to Buffy
] You can't handle Tara being my girlfriend! Xander
: No! It was bad before that. Since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to- Tara's your girlfriend? Giles
: [off screen
] Bloody hell!
: Are you drunk? Giles
: Yes, quite a bit actually
: Might I have a word? Buffy
: Have a sentence even.
: Valentine's Day. Yes, um, "Angel nails a puppy to the-" Buffy
: Skip it. Rupert Giles
: Ye- but... Buffy
: I don't wanna know. I don't have a puppy. Skip it.
: I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like this. Xander
: Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do somethin' like this.
: Okay, ready? Angel
: Yeah. Buffy
: On 3. 1...
[pulls out arrow
: Ahh. I knew you were gonna do that. Giles
: Not too much blood here. Angel
: I heal pretty fast. I should be all right. Buffy
: I'm just glad Faith's such a suck shot. Giles
: We're sure it was her? Buffy
: Well, I've narrowed down my list of one suspect. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
: Fascinating. Giles
: What? Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
: It seems our Mr. Worth headed an expedition in Kauai, digging through old lava beds near a dormant volcano. Buffy
: I'm not fascinated yet. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
: He found something underneath. A carcass, buried by an eruption. Giles
: A carcass? Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
: A very large one. Mr. Worth posits that it might be some heretofore undiscovered dinosaur. Angel
: A demon? Giles
: Well, yes, that would be something that the-the mayor would want to keep a secret. If it's the same kind of demon he's turning into and it's dead, then it means that... well, he's only impervious to harm until the Ascension. In its demon form, it can be killed. Buffy
: Great. So all we need is a million tons of burning lava. We're saved. Angel
: Well, it's a start anyway...
[he tries to stand up
: Ok, you have been a real klutz today. You need to... Angel
[he falls to the ground
: I'm sorry, uh, Lohesh was a four-winged soul killer, am I right? I was given to understand that they're not that fierce. Of all the demons we've faced... Anya
: You've never seen a demon. Buffy
: Uh, excuse me, killing them professionally four years running. Anya
: All the demons that walk the Earth, are tainted, are human hybrids, like vampires. The Ascension means that a human becomes pure demon. They're different. Giles
: Different? Buffy
: How? Anya
: Well, for one thing, they're bigger.
: Faith has you at a disadvantage, Buffy. Buffy
: 'Cause I'm not crazy, or 'cause I don't kill people? Giles
: Both, actually.
: World is what it is. We fight, we die. Wishing doesn't change that. Giles
: I have to believe in a better world. Buffy
: Go ahead. I have to live in this one.
: [as Anyanka
] You trusting fool! How do you know the other world is any better than this? Giles
: Because it has to be.
] "In order to defeat Anyanka, one must destroy her power center. This should reverse all the wishes she's granted rendering her mortal and powerless again." You see, without her power center, she'll j-just be a-an ordinary woman again. And all of this will be, um, well, different. Well, I'd say that my-my Watcher muscles haven't completely atrophied after all. Buffy
] Great. What's her power center? Giles
: [checks the book
] Um, well, um, uh... It doesn't say. Buffy
: Why don't I just put a stake through her heart? Giles
: She's not a vampire. Buffy
: Yeah, well, you'd be surprised how many things that'll kill. Giles
: I don't want to kill her, Miss Summers. I want to reverse whatever affect she's had on this-this world. Buffy
: You're taking an awful lot on faith here, Jeeves. Giles
: Giles. Buffy
: Kill the bad fairy, destroy the bad fairy's power center, whatever, and all the troubles go away?
: Feel up to some training? Buffy
: Sure! We can work out after school, you know, if you're not too busy having sex with my *mother*!
: Jonathan? How's he? Buffy
: Pretty crappy. His parents are freaking. He got suspended. And toting a piece to school, not exactly winning him a place with the in-crowd. But, I think he's dealing. Giles
: Well, it's good of you to check on him. Buffy
: Well, it's nice to be able to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except, he's starting to get that look, you know, like he's gonna ask me to Prom. Giles
: Well, it would probably be good for his self-esteem, if you... Buffy
: Oh come on. What am I, Saint Buffy? He's like three feet tall.
: Am I right, Giles? Rupert Giles
: I'm almost certain you're not. But, to be fair, I wasn't listening.
: Are you stupid or something? Rupert Giles
: Allow me to answer that question with a firing. Xander Harris
: She's kidding.
] Xander Harris
: An, we talked about the employee/employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five.
[Giles and Xander are hiding in the woods, watching for the mysterious commandos
] Xander Harris
: Every man faces this moment. Here. Now. Watching, waiting for an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last. Rupert Giles
] Oh, shut up.
: Well, based on-on Buffy's description, I believe the men that we're after look something like this.
[Giles holds up a drawing
] Xander Harris
: The latest in fall fascism. I like it. A bit full in the hips for my tastes, but, uh...
: Amethyst. Giles
: Used for? Buffy
: Breath mints? Giles
: Charm bags, money spells, and for cleansing one's aura. Buffy
: Okay, so how do you know if one's aura is dirty? Does somebody come by with a finger and write "Wash Me" on it?
[Buffy has learned that Giles has robbed her of her powers for a Council test
: You have to listen to me. Because I've told you this, the test is invalidated. You will be safe now, I promise you. Now, whatever I have to do to deal with Kralik... and to win back your trust... Buffy
: You stuck a needle in me. You poisoned me. Cordelia
: [Cordelia walks in
] What's going on? Oh, God. Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother. Giles
: [ignoring Cordelia
] You can't walk home alone, Buffy. It isn't safe. Buffy
: I don't know you. Cordelia
: Did something take her memory? He's Giles. Gi-els. He hangs out here a lot. Buffy
: Cordelia, could you please drive me home? Cordelia
: Of course.
: But if the world doesn't end, I'm gonna need a note.
: Angel was cured. Giles
: I'm sorry? Buffy
: When I killed him, Angel was cured. Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and, um... something went through him... and he was Angel again. He-he didn't rememebr anything that he'd done. He just held me. Um, but i-it was... it was too late, and I-I had to. So I-I told him that I loved him... and I kissed him... and I killed him. I don't know if that helps with your spell or not, Giles. Giles
: Uh, yes, I-I believe it will. Willow
: I'm sorry. Buffy
: It's okay. I've been holding onto that for so long. Felt good to get it out... I'll see you guys later.
: Giles, I know you don't like me playing with mystical forces, but I can really help with this binding spell. Giles
: There is no spell.
: Oh, the one that nearly bit me mentioned something about 'kissing toast'. He lived for kissing toast. Giles
] You mean, Kakistos? Buffy
: Maybe it was taquitos. Maybe he lived for taquitos. What? Giles
: Kakistos. Buffy
: Is that bad? Giles
: Kakistos is Greek, it means the worst of the worst. It's also the name of a vampire so old that his hands and feet are cloven.
: [Riley is about to touch the meteorite
] Is it hot? Cuz, uh, if there's radiation you could, like, go all sterile. Riley Finn
: [Riley recoils and Xander scampers away to be behind Anya
] No, it's not hot. It's warm, and broken. And sort of... Rupert Giles
] Hollow. Riley Finn
: Yeah. Anya
: So, uh, we're all thinking the same thing, right? Xander Harris
: Festive piñata? Delicious candy? Willow Rosenberg
: Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and slithered away to do badness. Rupert Giles
: In all fairness, I don't think we know about the slithered part. Anya
: Oh no, I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.
: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster. Rupert Giles
: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space.
] Rupert Giles
: I did not say that.
: You sent away the one person that's been watching my back, *again*. Giles
: We're all watching your back. Buffy
: Funny, that's not really what it feels like.
: Spike, I have a mission for you. Spike
: Oh, really? 'Cause, you know, sometimes our missions end up with you tryin' to kill me. I'm not fond of those.
: [trying to convince Giles she's really Buffy in Faith's body
] Giles, you turned into a demon, and I knew it was you. I mean, can't you just look in my eyes and be all intuitive? Giles
: How did I turn into a demon? Faith
: [as Buffy
] Oh, 'cause, uh, Ethan Rayne. And-and you have a girlfriend named Olivia... and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school... which is valid lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker type, but - Oh, oh! When I had psychic power I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. W- Do you want me to continue? Giles
: Actually, I beg you to stop. Faith
: What's a stevedore?
[attempting to cause a distraction
: Damn it, man, we *have* to get inside! Our, um, uh... Our families are-are-are in there. Our, uh, mothers and-and, tiny, tiny babies.
: Does it ever get easy? Giles
: You mean life? Buffy
: Yeah, does it get easy? Giles
: What do you want me to say? Buffy
: Lie to me. Giles
: Yes. It's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies and... everybody lives happily ever after. Buffy
: It'd be simpler if I could just hate him. I think he wanted me to. I think it made it easier for him to be the villain of the piece. Really he was just scared. Giles
: Yes, I suppose he was. Buffy
: Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get. Giles
: I believe that's called growing up. Buffy
: I'd like to stop then, okay?
: I've never been the bait before. That was, uh... actually, kind of scary. Caridad
: We had your back. Giles
: You did well. Your performance as a disgruntled minion was spot on. Kennedy
: I'm method.
: So, uh, Buffy took some time off right in the middle of the apocalypse and it was her decision. Xander Harris
: Well, uh, we all decided. Spike
: Oh yeah, YOU all decided. You sad, sad, ungrateful traitors! Who do you think you are? Willow
: We're her friends, we just wanted... Spike
: Oh, that's ballsy of you! You're her friends, and you treat her like this. Giles
: You don't understand. Spike
: Oh, I think I do... Rupert. You used to be the big man, didn't you. The teacher, all full of wisdom. Now, she's surpassed you, and you can't handle it! She has saved your lives again and again. She has died for you, and this is how you thank her?
: And I got her off those knock-knock jokes. Buffybot
: Ooh! Who's there? Xander
: You know, if we want her to be exactly... Spike
] She'll never be exactly. Xander
: I know. Tara
: The only really real Buffy is really Buffy. Giles
: And she's gone. Buffybot
: We want her to be exactly she'll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she's gone who?
[Spike takes a lackadaisical approach to saving Giles' life
: You might have let me in on your plan while he throttled me. Spike
: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea.
: I don't get your crazy system. Rupert Giles
: System? It's called the alphabet. Xander Harris
: Huh. Would ya look at that.
: Whoa, Glies has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV. He's shallow like us. Oz
: I gotta admit, I'm a little disappointed. Rupert Giles
: I, ah, uh, uh... Willow
: Well, maybe it doesn't work. I-it's like art.
: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I left my dimension to go to college and they sent these guys after me.
[cuts to Giles at home
: But while the Mok'tagar can assume many forms and guises, including human, they can always be recognized by others of their kind due to their lack of a soul.
[cuts back to Kathy and Buffy
: So I'm borrowing yours. Buffy
: Without even asking.
: I fear the demon that Buffy met in the woods has somehow possessed her. Buffy
] Lite FM! Love songs! Nothing but love songs! Xander
: You think?
: It's a text message. Oh, it's from Xander. It's one of our signals. Amanda
: Signals? Willow
: Yeah, the system we set up a while back. Like codes. Uh, this one's either "I just got lucky, don't call me for a while" or "my date's a demon who's trying to kill me." Kennedy
: You don't remember which? Willow
: It was a long time ago. Dawn
: Well, if we play the percentages... Giles
: Something's eating Xander's head. Anya
: Say, that's gratifying.
: Those are flash cards. I made them to facilitate her training. Chao-Ahn never had a watcher, with the language problem... Willow
: You showed her these? Giles
: I wanted her to understand the seriousness of her situation. Dawn
: Holy crap!
[holds up picture of a woman ripped in half
: Perhaps I'll rethink the approach.
: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, no. It's not working out. Buffy
: Giles, are you breaking up with your car? Giles
: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty. Buffy
: Little two-door tramp.
: Giles, are you sure about this? Giles
: Why wouldn't I be? Buffy
: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, have you ever run a store before? Giles
: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they never return. It'll give me focus, help increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back. Buffy
: Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored *were* you last year? Giles
: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
: I'm not supposed to have a private life? Buffy
: No. Because you're very, very old and it's gross.
: I've been awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self reliance, but I can't leave you out there to fight alone. To hell with what's right! I'm ready to back you up. Let's find that evil and-and-and fight it together.
: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want. Xander Harris
: Then why would they make you see me? Rupert Giles
: Oh, right. Let's go.
: I think the spell worked. I felt something go through me. Cordelia
: Plus the orb did that cool glow thing. Xander Harris
: Well, maybe it wasn't in time. Maybe she had to kill him before the cure could work. Oz
: Then she'd wanna be alone, I guess. Willow Rosenberg
: Or maybe Angel *was* saved and they wanna be alone together. Rupert Giles
: Perhaps. Cordelia
: Well, she's gotta show up sooner or later. We still have school. Willow Rosenberg
[looks around hopefully
] Willow Rosenberg
: She'll be here in a while.
[the gang parts ways. Camera pans to Buffy looking on sadly, then onto a bus and her leaving town
: I'm so proud of you. You've come so far. You're everything a Watcher- everything I could have hoped for.
: There must be something in the Book of Tarnis that we've missed, something that we can use against Glory. Anya
: Piano! Xander Harris
: Because that's what we used to kill that big demon that one time.
] Xander Harris
: No, wait, that-that was a rocket launcher. An, what are you talkin' about? Anya
: We should drop a piano on her. Well, it always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment. Rupert Giles
] Yes, or perhaps we could paint a convincing tunnel on the side of a mountain.
: I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine. Xander
: Anya, play nice. Anya
: You know, fine, take her side instead of mine even though I'm the one who sleeps with you, and feeds you, bathes you... Willow
: [looking disturbed
] She bathes you? Xander
: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way. Not in a sponge-bath-y, geriatric sort of... Rupert Giles
: Please. Stop, I beg of you.
: [about the excess chicken's feet
] Maybe we could do a holiday promotion: One free with every purchase. Rupert Giles
: Oh, yeah. Dear holiday memories. Merry tikes by the fire enjoying their new Christmas chicken feet. Willow
: Ah, holding them tight as they fall asleep; painting their little toenails.
: I told one lie... I had one drink... Giles
: Yes. And you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "Let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.
: She lied to me? Willow Rosenberg
: Well... Angel
: Did... she have a date? Willow Rosenberg
] Willow Rosenberg
: Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off.
] Willow Rosenberg
: And you never let her do anything except work and patrol. And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure. I mean, she's sixteen going on forty.
] Willow Rosenberg
: And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever. You don't have time for a cup of coffee?
] Willow Rosenberg
: Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've gotta help Buffy.
: [waking up after a sleepover
] Must we have the noise? My head is splitting! Willow Rosenberg
: Well, look who's Cranky Bear in the morning. Rupert Giles
: Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball. Anya
: Every time you moved, it made squeaky noises. It was irritating. Rupert Giles
: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring. Buffy
: OK, you guys, could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage.
: She's right. You mustn't blame yourself.
[Buffy climbs off the bed in complete battle mode
: I'm not going to. I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon, I want to know where it is. When I find it I'm going to make him pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine.
[Long pause, Willow and Anya look at Buffy in a weird way
: That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my Yummy Sushi pajamas.
: We have to find Buffy. Something terrible's happened.
[Willow and Xander stare at him
] Rupert Giles
] Just kidding. Thought I'd give you a scare.
: I suspect the finger food contains actual fingers.
: The resources that the Watchers Council have at their disposal... I mean, the central library alone is... Buffy
: Don't talk about the books again. You get all... And sometimes there's drool.
: Um, Anya, while-while I completely trust you, uh, uh-uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um, dealing with people requires a certain, uh, finesse. Anya
: I have finesse. I have finesse coming out of my bottom. I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles and-and bribe him with money and goods.
: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h? Giles
: Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out. Xander
: A "bitca"?
: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense. Giles
: No, actually, that would be one of the five. Principal Snyder
: That Summers girl, I smell trouble. I smell expulsion and just the faintest aroma of jail.
: [after Anya decides to have an after-holiday sale
] Brooms all around, then. Willow Rosenberg
: Or I could whip up a jaunty self-cleaning incantation. It'll be like Fantasia. Rupert Giles
: We all know how splendidly that turned out for Mickey. Willow Rosenberg
: I think I'm a little more adept than a cartoon mouse. Tara Maclay
: And you have more fingers, which is good, 'cause then there's no need to wear those big, white gloves to overcompensate.
: Did you know about this? Rupert Giles
: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
[Giles takes off his glasses and starts wiping them
: Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you don't have to see what we're doing? Rupert Giles
: Tell no one.
] Rupert Giles
: The-the people from Animal Control have just left. Our creatures have apparently made a-a dash for it. Um, so to speak. Willow
: Does that mean we're gonna have to hunt them again? Buffy
: No, I don't think so. I don't think we'll be seeing them any more. Rupert Giles
: Where do you think they'll go? Buffy
[Cut to the ocean, where large waves are rolling in. The three monsters are in the surf and begin to swim out to sea
: So we're lookin' for a beasty. Rupert Giles
: That, uh, eats humans whole, except for the skin. Buffy
: This doesn't make any sense. Xander
: Yeah, the skin's the best part. Buffy
: Any demons with high cholesterol?
[Giles looks at her thoroughly un-amused
: You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh.
: The demon universe exsits in a dimension separate from our own. With one breath Acathla will create a vortex, a-a kind of, um, whirlpool that will pull everything on earth into that dimension, where any non-demon life will suffer horrible, and eternal torment.
: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer. Xander
: I didn't know it was evil. Rupert Giles
: You knew it was beer. Xander
: Well, excuse me, Mister "I Spent the Sixties in an Electric Kool-Aid Funky Satan Groove." Rupert Giles
: It was the early seventies and you should know better.
: You actually had your hands on the books of Ascension? Willow
] Volumes 1 through 5. Rupert Giles
: Is there anything that you can remember about them that could be of use to us, anything at all? Willow
: Well... I was in a hurry. A-and, what I did read was kinda involved. If you ask me, way overwriten. Rupert Giles
: [meekly disappointed
] Oh. Willow
: Actually, there were a few pages that were kind of interesting, but I didn't have a chance to read them fully.
[Giles looks away, disappointed
: [Willow reaches into her pocket and brings out several pages
] See what you can make of them?
[Giles accepts the pages looking stunned, then walks away looking happy
: I mean, uh, you know, I appreciate your efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but, uh, well if anything should happen to you, or you... should be killed, I should take it somewhat amiss. Willow Rosenberg
: You'd be cranky? Rupert Giles
: She saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded. Giles
: I-I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes?
: [inspecting a scythe
] In addition to being ancient, it's - well it's clearly mystical. Buffy
: Yeah, I figured that one out when I King Arthured it out of the stone.
] Willow Rosenberg
: Buffy, I gotta tell ya. I get it, now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power.
[Evil Willow zaps Buffy to the floor with a bolt of dark energy
] Willow Rosenberg
: And there's no one in the world who has the power to stop me now.
[Giles suddenly appears and zaps evil Willow from behind
] Rupert Giles
: I'd like to test that theory.
: Buffy, quickly, to the bell tower. I've found something! Buffy
: A bell?
: How did you get in? Spike
: The door was unlocked. You might want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in. Buffy
: Or, someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.
: How you doin'? Rupert Giles
: It only hurts when I answer pointless questions.
: That's the flora kua alaya. A native of Paraguay, if my botany serves. Willow Rosenberg
: Is there anything you don't know everything about? Rupert Giles
: Synchronized swimming. Complete mystery to me.
: As a rule, demons have no empathy for any other species other than their own. In fact, most think of vampires as, um, abominations - mixing with human blood and all.
: Gah! Xander
: Touch him! Touch him! Dawn
: Oh, I feel him! I feel him! Xander
: Me too. Andrew
: Me too. Giles
: Good. We all feel each other. Including some of us who don't know each other well enough to take such liberties, thank you. Um, I assume there is a perfectly reasonable and not at all insane explanation, yes? Anya
: We thought you might be non-corporeal evil. Dawn
: We got a call. We couldn't remember you touching anything. Xander
: We had to make sure you were okay. We were worried. Giles
: Oh. Ah. Yes, well, that's very sweet. Now, wait a minute, you thought - you think I'm evil if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and *don't* touch them?
: It's not over. I-I-I suppose you know that. He'll come after *you*, particularly. His profile, uh, well, he-he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human. Buffy
: You must be so disappointed in me. Rupert Giles
: No. No, no, I'm not. Buffy
: But this is all my fault. Rupert Giles
: No. I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. A-and I can. I know that you loved him. And... he... has proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months a-are gonna - are gonna be hard... I-I suspect on all of us, but... if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm-I'm not your man. All you will get from me is-is my support. And my respect.
[Buffy runs into alternate reality Giles at Sunnydale Zoo's aquarium
: Giles? Rupert Giles
] Rupert Giles
: Make it Ripper. Buffy
: Crap. Rupert Giles
: Ooh, yes? You're shocked, are you? Look at you. Useless little tart, all the gifts of power the Slayer offers the best you can do is the hurt little puppy dog eyes? Buffy
: No. This isn't you. This is alternate reality Giles. Rupert Giles
: Right, well, your Giles is a prat, always talking like he's got an apple up his arse. Buffy
: All right, Ripper. Bring it on!
[Willow is afraid about returning to Sunnydale
] Rupert Giles
: You may not be wanted, but you will be needed. Willow Rosenberg
: That all you got?
The Baljox's Eye
: It cannot be fought. It cannot be killed. The First Evil has been and always will be, since before the universe was born. Long after there is nothing else, it will go on. Rupert Giles
: I refuse to believe that. There must be some way to destroy it. The Baljox's Eye
: What, am I talkin' to myself here? There's no way! Anya
: Okay, we tried. Let's go, Giles. Rupert Giles
: Are you saying that the First will succeed in-in wiping out the line of Slayers? The Baljox's Eye
: The eye sees not the future, only the truth of the now and before. Anya
: Yes, we've all got that, it's called memory.
: You didn't lose last night, Buffy. You just... Buffy
] Got really close. I slipped up, Giles. I've been training harder than ever and still I...
: And there's nothing in any of these books to help me understand why. I mean... look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto. If there were just a few good descriptions of what took out the other Slayers, maybe it would help me to understand my mistake, to keep it from happening again.
: There's mention some two hundred years ago in Ireland of-of Angelus, the one with the angelic face. Buffy
: They got that right.
: Giles, I've never seen her like this. It's like it hurts too much to form words. Rupert Giles
: You've felt that way yourself and, uh, you got through it. Buffy
: Yeah. I ran away, and went to hell, and *then* got through it. I'm kinda hoping she doesn't use me as a model. Rupert Giles
: Fair enough.
: I've lived in Sunnydale a couple of years now. You know what I've never noticed before? Rupert Giles
: Uh, a castle? Riley Finn
: A big, honkin' castle.
: Buffy, a word in your ear. Um, if you, uh, think of the store as a-as a library, it'll help you to concentrate on-on service rather than selling. Buffy Summers
: Yes. And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam. Rupert Giles
: [Cleaning his glasses and not really listening
] Yes, uh, quite right, yes.
: Buffy, what's happened here? Buffy Summers
: God, I don't even know where to start. Rupert Giles
: Well, Willow's clearly been abusing the magicks. Buffy Summers
: She has. She was, and I barely even noticed. Giles, everything's just been so... Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya's a vengeance demon again, Dawn's a total klepto, money's been so tight that I've been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat Palace...
[glances at the floor
] Buffy Summers
: And I've been sleeping with Spike.
[pause; Giles then starts to snicker
] Rupert Giles
: [trying not to laugh
[Giles bursts into laughter