Xander Harris
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Quotes for
Xander Harris (Character)
from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997)

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"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Inca Mummy Girl (#2.4)" (1997)
Xander: Your English is very bueno.
Ampata: I listen much.
Xander: Well, that works out well, because I talk much.

Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.
Xander: For twenty-one hours?
Willow: It's addictive, you know.
Rupert Giles: We'll deal with that when we've ruled out evil curses.
Buffy Summers: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying.

Willow: His parents say he never came home last night.
Buffy Summers: Y'know, I don't think I remember seeing Rodney on the bus back from the field trip.
Willow: I didn't either. I hope he didn't get in trouble at the Museum.
Xander: [chuckles] Hey, maybe he awakened the mummy.
Willow: [giggles] Right, and it rose from its tomb.
Buffy Summers: [smiles] And attacked him.
[Their smiles fade as they all realize that it may not be so far-fetched]

[They notice another student scraping at a relic in the Cultural Exchange Exhibit museum]
Xander: Uh, that's Rodney Munson. He's God's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts he makes up in lack of smarts.
Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
Xander: Yeah. I'm irrational that way.

[first lines]
Buffy Summers: This is so unfair.
Willow: I don't think it's that bad.
Buffy Summers: It's the Über-suck. Mom could've at least warned me.
Xander: Well, a lot of parents are doing it this year. It's part of this whole cultural exchange magillah. The exhibit, the dance...
Willow: I have the best costume for the dance!
Buffy Summers: A complete stranger in my house for two weeks. I'm gonna be insane! A danger to myself and others within three days, I swear.
Xander: I think the exchange student program's cool. I do! It's a beautiful melding of two cultures.
Buffy Summers: Have you ever done an exchange program?
Xander: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?

Xander: Typical Museum trick. Promise human sacrifice, deliver old pots and pans.

Museum Guide: Five hundred years ago, the Incan people chose a beautiful teenage girl to become their princess.
Willow: I hope this story ends with, 'And she lived happily ever after.'
Xander: [looks into the coffin] No, I think it ends with, 'And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy.'

Willow: The non-violent approach is probably better here.
Buffy Summers: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander: The important thing is: *you* believe that.

Xander: Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret, and it's, um, a little bit scary. I like you. A lot. And I want you to go with me the dance.
Ampata: [laughs] Why was that so scary?
Xander: Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say 'yes', or if... she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.
Ampata: Hmm. Then you are very courageous.

[Ampata and Xander are dancing with increasing tenderness, when she realizes that her hand is reverting to mummy-desiccation state and she runs away]
Xander: [bewildered] Okay, at least I can rule out something I said.

[last lines]
Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.
Buffy Summers: Ampata wasn't evil. At least not to begin with, and I-I do think she cared about you.
Xander: Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.
Buffy Summers: She was gypped. She was just a girl, and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the Prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.
Xander: Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.
Buffy Summers: I had you to bring me back.

Buffy Summers: His name's Ampata. Gonna be at the bus station tomorrow night.
Xander: Oooh. The Sunnydale bus depot. Classy! What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine.

Ampata: You are strange.
Xander: Girls always tell me that... right before they run away.

Xander: Oh yeah, fall for the old 'Let me translate that ancient seal for you' come-on. Do you know how many times I've used that?

Xander: So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything much besides 'Doritos' and 'Chihuahua'.

Xander: We're in the Crime Club, which is kind of like the Chess Club, only with crime, and, um, no chess.

[Ampata comes downstairs]
Ampata: Hello, Xander.
Xander: [incoherent babble]
Buffy Summers: I can translate American salivating boy-talk. He says you're beautiful.
Xander: [babbles to Buffy]
Buffy Summers: You're welcome.

Xander: [to Buffy] Where are you from? The country of white trash?

Buffy Summers: So, can I go?
Rupert Giles: I think not.
Buffy Summers: How come?
Rupert Giles: Because you are the Chosen One.
Buffy Summers: Mm, just this once I'd like to be the Overlooked One.
Rupert Giles: Yeah well, I'm afraid that is not an option. You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
Buffy Summers: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bitty blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone.
Rupert Giles: [sardonically] It's as if you know me.
[normal]
Rupert Giles: Your secret identity is gonna be difficult enough to maintain while this exchange student is living with you.
[Xander gets up and separates them]
Xander: Not *with* her. In the same house as her. Am I the only one who's objective enough to make that distinction?
Buffy Summers: So! I think going to the dance like a normal person would be the best way to keep that secret. Giles, come on, budge! No one likes a non-budger.

Xander: There you are. Why'd you run away?
Ampata: Because... I do not deserve you.
Xander: What, you think that *you* don't deserve *me*?
[laughs incredulously]
Xander: Man, I love you!
[She begins to weep]
Xander: Are those tears of joy? Pain? Revulsion?
Ampata: I am very happy. And very sad.
Xander: Then talk to me. Let me know what's wrong.
Ampata: I can't!
[She hugs him and cries into his shoulder]
Xander: Hey, I know why you can't tell me. It's a secret, right? And if you told me, you'd have to kill me.
[Ampata hugs him again, crying even harder]
Xander: Oh! That was a bad joke. And the delivery was off, too. I'm sorry.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once More, with Feeling (#6.7)" (2001)
Xander: Does this mean that I have to... be your queen?
Sweet: It's tempting. But I think we'll waive that clause just this once.

[after Buffy is ordered by Giles to deal with a singing demon on her own]
Spike: Forget them slayer, I got your back.
Buffy: Thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Isn't that what you sang?
Xander: Spike sing a "widdle" song?
Anya: Would you say it was a breakaway pop hit, or more of a book number?
Xander: Let it go sweetie.

[In song]
Xander: Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful?
Anya: When I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?

Buffy, Anya, Willow, Xander, Giles, Tara: [singing] There's nothing we can't face.
Anya: [singing] Except for bunnies.

Xander: [singing] You're the cutest of the Scoobies/ With your lips as red as rubies/ And your firm yet supple... tight embrace.

Tara: Tha-that's right! The-the volume. The text.
Giles: What text?
Willow: The volumey text. You know? The-the mmummrfugh report.
Xander: The what now?
Tara: Oh, there's just a few volumes back at the house that deal with mystical chants, bacchanals... It might be relevant.
Willow: Yeah, we could, um...
Giles: Well, I'm a hair's breadth from investigating bunnies at the moment, so I'm open to anything.
Willow: Great, we'll, uh, go check it out and uh, we'll give you a call.
Tara: Yeah, this could blow the whole thing wide open.

Xander: Respect the cruller, and tame the doughnut!
Anya: That's still funny, sweetie.

Xander: Merciful Zeus!

Xander: [singing] It could be witches. Some evil witches...
[Willow and Tara glare at him]
Xander: Which is ridiculous, 'cause witches, they were persecuted, Wicca good and love the earth and women power and I'll be over here.

Anya: Will you still make me waffles when we're married?
Xander: No, I'll only make them for myself. But, by California law, you will own half of 'em.

Xander: Somebody set people on fire? That's nuts.
Anya: I don't know. One more verse of our little ditty and I would have been looking for a gas can.
Giles: Clearly, emotions are running high. But, uh, as far as I can tell, these people burnt up from the inside; spontaneously combusted. I've only seen the one. I was able to examine the body while the police were taking witness arias.

Buffy, Xander, Willow, Anya, Giles, Tara: [singing] We have to try. We'll pay the price, it's do or die.
Buffy: Hey I've died twice.

Buffy: [Slightly awkward] Uh, so, did anybody... uh... last night, you know, did anybody, um... burst into song?
Xander: [Everyone is quiet for a second, before Xander calls out, relieved] Merciful Zeus!
Willow: We thought it was just us!

Xander: [singing] I've got a theory we should work this out.
Xander, Tara, Anya, Willow: [singing] It's getting eerie, what's this cheery singing all about?

Xander: [after the group finishes singing "I've got a Theory"] See, okay, that was disturbing.

Giles: [singing] Will this do a thing to change her?/Am I leaving Dawn in danger?/Is my slayer too far gone to care?
Xander: [singing] What if Buffy can't defeat it?
Anya: [singing] Beady Eyes is right, we're needed!
[Looks at Willow and Tara]
Anya: Or we could just sit around and glare.
[the gang all get up and make for the door]
Giles, Xander, Anya, Tara, Willow: [singing] We'll see it through/It's what we're always here to do/So we will walk through the fire.

Xander, Spike, Buffy, Anya, Willow, Tara, Giles: [singing] And we are caught in the fire/The point of no return/So we will walk through the fire/And let it/Burn/Let it burn.

Dawn: [Signing] Where do we go... from here?
Buffy, Spike: [singing] Where do we go... from here?
Giles: [singing] The battle's done/And we kind of won
Tara, Giles: [singing] So we sound our victory cheer/Where do we go from here?
Xander, Anya: Why is the path unclear/When we know home is near?
Xander, Anya, Buffy, Spike, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles: [singing] Understand we'll go hand in hand
[all join hands]
Xander, Anya, Buffy, Spike, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles: But we'll walk alone in fear.
[all release hands and walk off in different directions]
Giles: [singing] Tell me!
Xander, Anya, Buffy, Spike, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles: Where do we go from here?/When does the end appear?
Spike: [In the middle of singing "appear" he suddenly stops and speaks] Bugger this.

Buffy: [to Buffy] What did you sing about?
Buffy: [pauses] I don't remember. But i-it seemed perfectly normal.
Xander: But disturbing. And not the natural order of things, and do you think it'll happen again?
Giles: I don't know. I should look into it.
Willow: With the books.
Tara: Do we have any books on this?
Xander: Well, we just gotta break it down. Look at the factors before it happens again. Because I for one...
Giles: [Giles begins to sing, interrupting Xander] I've got a theory/That it's a demon/A dancing demon! No, something isn't right there.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Fear Itself (#4.4)" (1999)
Anya: What?
Xander: That's your scary costume?
Anya: Bunnies frighten me.

Xander: [to Gachner] Who's a little fear demon? Come on. Who's the little fear demon?
Giles: Don't taunt him, Xander.
Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
Giles: No, it's just tacky.

Xander: [Buffy is dressed as Red Riding Hood] Hey, Red. What you got in the basket, little girl?
Buffy: Weapons.
Xander: Oh.

Xander: Prepare to have your spines tingled and your gooses bumped by the terrifying... Fantasia. Fantasia?
Oz: Maybe it's 'cause of all the horrific things we've seen, but, hippos wearing tutus just don't unnerve me the way they used to.
Xander: Phantasm. It was supposed to be Phantasm. Stupid video store.

[Oz is setting up a sound system and he tilts his head and grimaces]
Xander: Sensing a disturbance in the force, Master?
Oz: Ah, left speaker's crackin' a little bit.
[pulls out a knife]
Xander: And you feel stabbing it's the proper solution?

Willow: The icon's called the-the Mark of Gachnar. I-I-I think this is a-a summoning spell for something called...
Xander: Gachnar?
Willow: Yes. Somehow the-the beginning of the-the spell must have been triggered. Um, Gachnar's trying to manifest itself, to-to come into being.
Buffy: How?
Willow: It-it feeds on fear.
Buffy: Our fears are manifesting. We're feeding it. We-we need to stop.

Buffy: This is Gachnar?
Xander: Big overture, little show.
Gachnar: I am the Dark Lord of nightmares, the bringer of terror. Tremble before me! Fear me!
Willow: He's so cute.

Xander: Hail, ye olde... varletty... thou.
Willow: I'm Joan of Arc. I figured we had a lot in common, seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake. And plus she had that close relationship with God.
Xander: [to Oz] And you are...?
[Oz reveals a name tag saying "GOD"]
Xander: Of course.
Xander: Wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could've been God.
Oz: Blasphemer.

Willow: I'm serious, Buffy, we don't know what we're dealing with.
Xander: Okay, my turn. Does anyone hear that?
Buffy: Well, as soon as we start dealing with whatever it is we're dealing with... Do you hear that?
Xander: Like I said, it sounds like a hissing.
Buffy: It's like a "ssss" noise.
Xander: I thought the word "hissing" covered that nicely.

Buffy: I'm gonna get going.
Xander: [checking his watch] Now? The time's still... Well, okay, it's a little mature, but still.

Xander: Sad Buffy.
Willow: She didn't even touch her pumpkin. It's a freak with no face.
Oz: She's still suffering a little post-Parker depression.
Xander: Bailing on the Buff. Does anyone else wanna smack that guy?
[raises his hand. Willow and Oz do the same]

Xander: No, it's cool. You guys got your little college thing. I'm fine. I mean, I got better things to do than tag along to some Fraternity.
Willow: You can come.
Xander: Okay. But only because I lied about having better things to do.

Anya: You haven't called. Not once.
Xander: You said you were over me.
Anya: And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
Xander: That's the funny thing about me, I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.
Anya: That's stupid.
Xander: I accept that.

Xander: [after appearing invisible to the gang, thinking they still can't see him] I'd offer *my* opinion but you jerks aren't gonna hear it anyway. Not that 'didn't go to college' boy has anything important to say. I might as well hang out my new best friend, bleeding dummy head, for all you dorks care.
Buffy: [Walks over to him] What is wrong with you?
Xander: You - you heard that? You - you can see me?
[Buffy nods]
Xander: Good. Oh, God, good!

Xander: I wasn't scared, I was in the spirit.
Oz: And we back you up on that. Even if they question us separately.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Some Assembly Required (#2.2)" (1997)
Cordelia: Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander: [coughed] Karma!
[fake cough]

Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Giles: Hear, hear.
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Willow Rosenberg: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game.
Buffy: You know what this means.
Xander: That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year?
Buffy: She wasn't killed by vampires. Somebody did dig up her corpse.
Cordelia: Ew! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word 'corpse' in it?

Willow Rosenberg: You mean making a zombie?
Giles: Uh, zombies, more likely. For most traditional purposes, a voodoo priest would require more than one.
Buffy: So, we should see if the other girls from the accident are AWOL, too. Maybe we can figure out what this creep has in mind, if we know whether or not he's dealing in volume.
Xander: So, we dig up some graves tonight?
Willow Rosenberg: Oh, boy! A field trip!

[Willow asks Cordelia whether she wants to go on the zombie-hunting adventure]
Cordelia: Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew you were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've canceled.
Xander: All right, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh?
[Cordelia huffs and leaves the library]
Giles: Xander?
Xander: Huh?
Giles: Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living.
Xander: Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face?

Buffy: Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
Xander: That actually kinda turns me on.
Buffy: I fear you.

Willow Rosenberg: Are we hoping to find a body, or no body?
Xander: Call me an optimist, but I'm hopin' to find a fortune in gold doubloons.

Giles: What student here is going to be that well versed in physiology?
Willow Rosenberg: I can think of five or six guys in the science club, and me.
Xander: So Will, come clean. Promise to never do it again, and we'll call it a night.
[At their looks]
Xander: He joked.

Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me.

Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?
Xander: You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around?

Xander: And speaking of love...
Willow Rosenberg: We were talking about the reanimation of dead tissue.
Xander: Do I deconstruct your segues?

Cordelia: What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there's anything I could ever do to...
Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here. So, where were we?
Willow Rosenberg: Wondering why we never get dates.
Xander: Yeah. So, why do you think that is?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Pangs (#4.8)" (1999)
Buffy: Will, you know how bad I feel about this. Okay? It's eating me up-
[to Anya]
Buffy: A quarter cup of brandy and let it simmer.
[to Willow]
Buffy: But even though it's hard, we have to end this. Yes, he's been wronged, and I personally would be ready to apologize, but I...
Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me.
Xander: You got a lot of volunteers in here.
Spike: I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
Willow: Uh, the preferred term is...
Spike: You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not goin' around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
Buffy: Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of - Not that I don't like Spaniards.
Spike: Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?
Willow: We don't wanna fight anyone.
Buffy: I just wanna have Thanksgiving.
Spike: Heh heh. Yeah... Good luck.
Willow: Well, if we could talk to him...
Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.
Xander: Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but, some of that made sense.

Xander: I hate this guy.
Willow: He's just doing what was done to him.
Xander: I didn't give him syphilis!
Giles: No, but you freed his spirit, and after a century of unrest he saw you as one of his oppressors.
Xander: What, so he rises up and infects the first guy he sees? That's no fair.
Willow: Like you've never woken up cranky.

Xander: Hey, can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?
Anya: It'll make you blind and insane, but it won't kill you. The smallpox will.

Buffy: First Thanksgiving on my own, and we all got through it.
Xander: And you know what? I think my syphilis is clearin' right up.
Buffy: And they say romance is dead. Or maybe they just wish it.

Xander: So what do we do now?
Willow: Well, we could stay here and stand watch, or, I just thought...
[Angel steps out of the dark next to them]
Angel: Willow.
Xander: [frightened] Angel?
Anya: [Anya runs her eyes coolly up and down Angel] So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?
Xander: He's evil again.
Angel: I-I'm-I'm not evil again! Why does everyone think that?
Willow: Angel's here to protect Buffy.
Angel: I haven't been evil for a long time!

Xander: You're a strange girlfriend.
Anya: I'm a girlfriend?
Xander: Um... there's a chance I'm delirious.

Buffy: Wasn't exactly a perfect Thanksgiving.
Xander: I don't know, seemed kind of right to me. A bunch of anticipation, a big fight, and now we're all sleepy.

[Buffy didn't know Angel was there]
Willow: But, at least we all worked together and it was like old times.
Xander: Yeah, especially with Angel being here and everything.
[everyone stares at him for a long time]
Xander: Oops.

Willow: [Deciding who should warn the dean] I'll go. I need the air.
Buffy: Not alone.
Anya: I'll go.
Xander: Me, too.
Buffy: Sure you're up to it?
Spike: Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.
Xander: [Getting up] I'm up to it.

Xander: [about their meeting with the dean] I think he thought we were crazy.
Willow: Maybe if Anya hadn't opened the conversation with, "Everybody got both ears?"
Anya: I liked his wife. She gave me pie.

Xander: [Arriving At Giles'] Happy thanksgiving.
Giles: Xander. You look like death.
Willow: Are you ok?
Buffy: You didn't bring rolls?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: What's My Line?: Part 2 (#2.10)" (1997)
Xander: Oh, here we go. I am the bug man, coo-coo ca-choo.

Xander: [about Angel] Man, that guy got major neck in his day.

Buffy: You and bug people, Xander. What's up with that?
Xander: No, but this dude was completely different than praying mantis lady. He was a man *of* bugs. Not a man who was a bug.

Cordelia: I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on earth here with you.
Xander: I hope these are my last moments. Three more seconds with you and I'm gonna...
Cordelia: 'I'm gonna' what? Coward!
Xander: Moron!
Cordelia: I hate you!
Xander: I hate you!
[they kiss]
Xander: We so need to get outta here.
Cordelia: Uh-huh.

Xander: [to bug man] Hey, larvae boy! Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you, you big cootie!

[an assassin has trapped Cordelia and Xander in Buffy's basement]
Xander: What are you doin'?
Cordelia: Going to see if he's gone.
Xander: That's brilliant. What if he isn't?
Cordelia: Oh, right. You think we should just slack here and hope that somebody else decides to be a hero? Sorry, forgot I was stranded with a loser!
Xander: And yet I never forgot that I'm stuck with the numb-brain who let Mr. Mutant in the house in the first place!
Cordelia: He looked normal!
Xander: What? Is he supposed to have an arrow with the word 'assassin' over his head? All it took was the prospect of a free makeover, and you licked his hand like a big, dumb dog.

Xander: A Slayer, huh? I knew this 'I'm the only one. I'm the only one' thing was just an attention-getter.

Xander: Angel's our friend... except I don't like him.

Xander: Dorkhead? You slash me with your words.

Xander: Welcome. So, you're a slayer, huh? I like that in a woman.
Kendra: I-I hope... I tank you, I mean, sir, um... I will be of service.
Xander: Great! Good. It's good to be a giver.

Cordelia: You know what? I'm going. I'd rather be worm food than look at *your* pathetic face.
Xander: Then go. I'm not stopping ya.
Cordelia: I bet you wouldn't. I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself.
Xander: Not just any girl. You're special.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Zeppo (#3.13)" (1999)
Xander: You're in a band. That's like a business class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
Oz: Not the way I play it.

Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers; Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires; and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.
Xander: I was just talking to... hey, mind your own business.
Cordelia: Ooo, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool.
Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a *lot* to offer.
Cordelia: Oh, please.
Xander: I do.
Cordelia: 'Integral part' of the group? Xander, you're the-the 'useless' part of the group. You're the Zeppo. 'Cool.' Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't.
[Cordelia walks away]
Cordelia: There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

Xander: Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?
Cordelia: Because, unlike all those other creatures that you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there.
Xander: Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?

[after a demon attack during which Xander hid]
Xander: If anyone sees my spine layin' around, just try not to step on it.

Faith: Yeah, that was real manly how you shrieked and all.
Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.

Xander: [facetiously] But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll *never* be a good reporter.
Rupert Giles: [not getting it] Hmm?
Xander: Jimmy Olsen jokes are pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?

Xander: What is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it, and who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of 'cool'?
Oz: Not sure.
Xander: I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less 'cool'. Why is that?
Oz: Am I?
Xander: Is it about the talking? You know, the-the way you tend to express yourself in short, non-committal phrases?
Oz: Could be.

Xander: What do I have?
Oz: An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.

Xander: Yeah, great knife. Although, I think, um, it may, technically, be a-a sword.
Jack O'Toole: She's called Katie.
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.

Xander: Listen, do you guys need any help?
Rupert Giles: Hm? Oh, no, no, thank you. Probably best if you-you stay out of trouble.
Xander: No chance of that.
Jack O'Toole: Xander! Motor!
Rupert Giles: There's something different about this menace, something in the air. The stench of death.
Xander: Yeah, I think it's Bob.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The I in Team (#4.13)" (2000)
[first lines]
Willow Rosenberg: I implore you, Neisa, blessed goddess of chance and fortune, heed my call. Send to me the heart I desire.
Xander Harris: [the camera pulls back to show she is holding five cards] You know, magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating.
Willow Rosenberg: That wasn't magic. I was praying. Two, please.

Xander Harris: You are looking at the new local distributor for Boost Bars. "The natural food bar that provides a nutritional energy boost for active, health-conscience people." Want one?
Willow Rosenberg: No. Thanks. Those things usually taste... kind of tasteless. And then leave a bad after-tastelessness.
Xander Harris: Well, don't let the healthy scare you. Check out these ingredients. See? Loaded with fatty goodness.

[at The Bronze]
Anya: Xander. You haven't been paying any attention to me tonight. Just peddling those process food bricks. I don't know why.
Xander Harris: Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars. Make money. Take Anya nice places. Buy pretty things.
Anya: That does make sense. All right, I support you. Go sell more.

Rupert Giles: I don't know how many more ways I can say "I'm not interested."
Xander Harris: Well, try one! Check these flavors. Cherry-Berry. Maple Walnut. Ooh, Almond Licorice.
Anya: Ew.
Xander Harris: Anya, we don't say 'ew' in front of potential customers.
Anya: Just skip this part and tell him you want money to buy me pretty things. He'll understand.
Rupert Giles: [sighing] Very well. Um, Maple Walnut.
Xander Harris: An excellent choice.
Rupert Giles: [Giles takes a bite, then looks disgusted] Please leave my home now.
Xander Harris: It's the, uh, the gritty texture, isn't it? Maybe you're more of a Cherry-Berry fellow.

Spike: [bursts in with tarp over him; smoking] Close the door!
Xander Harris: Spike? You may want to give up these morning jogs.

Spike: I'm not going anywhere. Not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me - put me back the way I was.
Xander Harris: Sure. Just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.
Spike: You think that would work?
Rupert Giles: Spike - lord knows why I'm telling you this - it's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation, it's not safe for you here.
Buffy Summers: No. It's not safe for any of us.

Spike: Soldier boys are out in force. I've been trying to keep 'em off my scent. Run 'em in circles. But they just keep coming.
Rupert Giles: And... how is this our concern? Seeing that you've expressed a desire to have nothing more to do with us.
Xander Harris: Spike said that?
Rupert Giles: Mm-hmm.
Xander Harris: [to Spike] That hurts.

[Xander, Willow and Anya are playing poker]
Xander Harris: Wish the Buff could've made it. This three-hand poker is not quite the game.
Willow Rosenberg: Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend.
Anya: Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.
[the card deck explodes from Xander's hands, and in his embarrassment he changes the subject]
Xander Harris: Well,
[coughs]
Xander Harris: , the thing is, I think Riley is okay, in an oafish kind of way. But am I the only one with a big floating question mark over his head about this Initiative thing?
Willow Rosenberg: Well, they do seem to fall into the 'good guy' camp. I mean, they are anti-demon.
[She sees Anya's evil eye expression]
Willow Rosenberg: Probably pro ex-demon.
Anya: I choose to feel threatened.
Xander Harris: And why not? There's still heaps we don't know about these commandos. What exactly are they up to?

Riley Finn: Talk to me, Forrest.
Forrest Gates: Signal's somewhere in this neighborhood. Estimate within a two-block radius.
[In his apartment, Giles is digging into Spike's wound with the tweezers while Anya holds the flashlight for him]
Willow Rosenberg: It feels, and looks, like the ionizing spell is wearing off.
Xander Harris: Giles?
Rupert Giles: I've got it. I've got it!
[He holds up the tweezers and we see a two-inch dart with a blinking red light on its end]
Rupert Giles: [Back to Beta Team. They're getting closer]
Riley Finn: Okay, we want to keep the hostile contained, so no one is to make a move without my...
Forrest Gates: Wait. Signal's cleared up.
[Points across the street]
Forrest Gates: There.
Riley Finn: Let's go!
Rupert Giles: [Giles hands Xander the tweezers] Go!
[With the tracer, Xander dashes down the hallway and skids around the corner]
Riley Finn: What?
Forrest Gates: It's on the move.
Riley Finn: Heading?
Forrest Gates: Straight at us. Forty meters and closing. Moving fast.
Graham Miller: In broad daylight?
Riley Finn: Look alive, people. Weapons at the ready.
Forrest Gates: Twenty-five meters... twenty... fifteen.
Riley Finn: Where?
Forrest Gates: To the left. Ten meters... five!
Riley Finn: Anyone?
Graham Miller: I got nothing.
Forrest Gates: This doesn't make sense. It went right past us.

Spike: Ow! Watch it. That hurts.
Rupert Giles: It doesn't appear to be a bullet. It's too deeply embedded to be a tranquilizer dart.
Spike: Also: not tranquil.
Rupert Giles: Some sort of illumination emanating from it. It's blinking.
Spike: I don't care if it's playing 'Rockin' the Casbah' on the bloody Jew's harp, just get it out of me!
Rupert Giles: Anya, there's a bottle of Cognac in the cabinet next to the sink. Can you get it for me?
Spike: What? You're gonna get snockered now?
Rupert Giles: It's not for me, you prat. If I'm gonna operate on you, then I need you anesthetized. It's going to take some time.
Xander Harris: We don't have any. That blinking thing. My pseudo-soldier memory bank tells me that's a tracer.
Rupert Giles: A what?
Spike: A what?
Xander Harris: It's like a homing beacon. And if commando guys are reading the signal, they're coming home.
[Anya hands Spike the Cognac, and he begins to guzzle it]
Rupert Giles: Well, we need to buy some time. It's in deep and I'm no surgeon.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Dark Age (#2.8)" (1997)
Xander Harris: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there were only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."
Willow: Come on. You don't think he ever got restless as a kid?
Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed.

Xander Harris: Ooo, gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia, mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever.

Giles: Is everyone alright?
Cordelia: Super. I kicked a guy.
Jenny Calendar: We're okay.
Xander Harris: Dead guy here interrupted our tutorial.
[to dead guy]
Xander Harris: Been meaning to thank you for that.

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
Xander Harris: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath?

Buffy: I still don't get what this has to do with Giles.
Willow: I don't know about Giles, but ancient sects used to induce possession for bacchanals and-and orgies.
Xander Harris: Okay, 'Giles' and 'orgies' in the same sentence. I coulda lived without that one.

Cordelia: Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a year's supply of acne cream? A brain.
Xander Harris: That's it. Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'. I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwin' down, come on.

Willow: [yelling] Hey! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble. Now, we have to put our heads together and-and get them out of it. And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!
Cordelia: [cowed] We're sorry.
Xander Harris: [also cowed] We'll be good.

Jenny Calendar: Alright, guys, the first thing we're gonna do is - Buffy!
Xander Harris: Huh? Did I fall asleep already?

Xander: I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met - by day. By night it was booze, whores and fur flying. Were there whores?
Buffy: He was alone.
Xander: Give it time.

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and see what you can find?
Xander Harris: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Buffy vs. Dracula (#5.1)" (2000)
Anya: [about Dracula] I doubt he'd remember me. I was just a silly young thing. I mean like seven hundred or so. But he did say that this guy I cursed was doomed forever, which was really sweet, don't you think?
Xander: Adorable.
Anya: It was a great spell. I made this jerk incredibly fat, like a human minivan. You should just mention my name if you see him again.
Xander: Or better yet, why don't you just go sit on top of a crypt and flaunt your neck cleavage until Dracula shows up. Then you two can talk private.
Anya: Oh please, don't tell me you're jealous.

Xander: I'm supposed to deliver you to the Master now. There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?
Buffy: Take me to him.

Xander: I'm exhausted just lookin' at those two. All the splashing and jumping and running. Shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
Anya: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.
Tara Maclay: Oh, which can cause the, um, pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.
Willow Rosenberg: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.

Xander: Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Damnit. You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey.
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.

Buffy: Where's my burger?
Riley Finn: Yeah, man, I'm starving. Cow me.
Xander: The, uh, fire's not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.

Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to
[in Dracula's accent]
Xander: "leave you." And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street?
[as the Count on Sesame Street]
Xander: Vun, two, three - three victims. Mwa ha ha.

Willow Rosenberg: [Xander has been put under Dracula's control] I think we have Dracula factoids.
Xander: Like any of that's enough to fight the dark Master.
[all stare at him, he acts nervous]
Xander: Bater.

Xander: [Under Dracula's influence] I think you're drawing a low of crazy conclusions about the unholy prince.
[Everyone gives him a strange look]
Xander: ... bator.

Xander: Yes! I will serve you, your excellent spookiness.
[Dracula frowns]
Xander: Or master. I'll just stick with master.

Buffy: Where's my burger?
Riley Finn: Yeah, man, I'm starving. Cow me.
Xander: The fire is not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.
Willow Rosenberg: [Nonchalantly casting a spell] Ignis, incende!
[meaning "fire, burn!"]
Buffy: Willow, check you out! Witch fu!
Willow Rosenberg: It's no big. You just balance the elements so when you affect one, you don't wind up causing...
[rises a storm, and they all have to flee]
Willow Rosenberg: I didn't do it! I didn't do it!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Replacement (#5.3)" (2000)
Xander: When I get to the pearly gates, I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection! Come on in."

Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start lookin' for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell, they had one-bedrooms, right?

Xander: So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We told you so" Symphony?

Giles: He had a very specific olfactory presence.
Xander: Well, I guess we're off to the old factory. I hate that place.

[Xander, Anya, Riley and Buffy are watching a kung-fu movie]
Xander: Incompetently dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.

Xander: A demon. A demon has taken my life from me and he's living it better than I do.
Willow: Uh... Well, we're working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to unhypnotise her. I'll find a spell and snap her out of it.
Xander: Right. Whatever.
Willow: Xander, you sound a little... You have to help me figure this out, you know.
Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true!... Sometimes we all help to save you.

[Willow comes into her room. Two seconds later, Xander rushes in]
Xander: [panicked] Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me - Xander. And I can prove it.
Willow: [confused] Um... Okay.
Xander: Let's see. Stuff only you and me know... Okay! On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it. Then the house next door burnt down and real fire trucks came. And for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me.
[laughs slightly before returning to the panicked state]
Xander: For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! Every Christmas, we watch "Charlie Brown" together, and I do the Snoopy dance.
[he does the dance. Willow watches, now with a little worried look as Xander gets more and more manic]
Willow: Xander, stop dancing.
Xander: Aha! You called me Xander!
Willow: Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?
Xander: [realising] Oh. Huh.
Willow: What's going on?
Xander: I woke up in the dump this morning.
Willow: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It's more like a really nice hovel.
Xander: No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night. Fall down - boom. Woke up this morning.

Xander: I'm just another great humiliation. And this time it's even worse. This demon is, like, taking my life and everyone's treating him... Everyone's treating him like a grown-up. Will, I'm starting to feel like...
Willow: Like what?
Xander: Like... he's doing everything better. He's smarter and... I don't know. Maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.
Willow: Xander, no! You-you're just tired and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard. But you can't let him just take your whole existence.
Xander: Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the Pearly Gates, I'm sure the guys're not gonna go: "Hey, what a kick-ass comic-book collection! Come on in!"

Riley: Getting nostalgic?
Xander: I don't know. At first it's just a place, and then you start to make memories. Then you're, like... that's where Spike slept, and there, that's where Anya and I drowned the Sepavro demon. Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out.
[slight pause]
Xander: I really hate this place.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Nightmares (#1.10)" (1997)
Willow: Personal question?
Xander: Yeah, shoot.
Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?
Xander: Willow, how can you - I mean, that's really bent. She was... grotesque.
Willow: Still dug her, huh?
Xander: I'm sick. I need help.
Willow: Don't I know it.

[confronting his nightmare clown]
Xander: Your balloon animals were *pathetic*. Everyone can make a giraffe.

Xander: Our dreams are coming true.
Rupert Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this.

Xander: Probably be faster if we split up to look for her.
Rupert Giles: Good idea.
[Xander and Giles go in opposite directions leaving Willow standing there alone]
Willow: Uh-uh, faster, but not really safer.

Xander: I'm not worried. If there's somethin' bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.

Wendell: [about his spiders] I had the best collection in the tri-county area. Browns, tarantulas, black widows... then my folks ship me off to Wilderness Camp. All my brother had to do was maintain the habitats. Instead he left the heat lamps on for a week! When I came home they were all dead. That's when the nightmares started.
Willow: The nightmares?
Wendell: It's always the same. I'm sitting in class, the teacher asks me to read something. I open the book and... there they are, coming after me. God... can you blame them, after what I did?
Xander: [serious] That's how it happens, every time?
Willow: Yesterday in class I thought I had just nodded off again. But then everyone else started screaming too.

Xander: Red alert! Where's Buffy?
Rupert Giles: She just stepped out, her father came by, he needed to speak with her...
[looking at his outfit]
Rupert Giles: what happened, where are your other clothes?
Xander: Oh don't I wish I had an answer to that question.
Willow: Xander kinda found himself in front of our class not wearing much of anything.
Xander: Except my underwear.
Willow: [enthusiastically] Yeah, it was really...
[with him glaring]
Willow: ... bad. It was a bad thing.
Xander: Bad thing? I was nude! 'Bad thing' doesn't cover it.
Willow: Everybody staring... I would hate to have everybody paying attention to me like that.
Xander: With nudity, it's a total nightmare!
Willow: Well, yeah, Xander... it's your nightmare.
Xander: Except for the part with me waking up going "it was all a dream..." It happened.
Willow: Like it happened to Wendell. The thing with the spiders -Wendell had a recurring dream about that.
Rupert Giles: And I've dreamt of getting lost in the stacks, of not being able to... of course.
Xander: Our dreams are coming true?
Rupert Giles: [scoffing] Dreams? That would be the musical comedy version of this. Our nightmares are coming true.

Xander Harris: Ah, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters. Been there.
Buffy Summers: Little blase there, aren't you?
Xander Harris: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.

Wendell: They're not insects. They're arachnids.
Xander Harris: They're from the Middle East?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: What's My Line?: Part 1 (#2.9)" (1997)
Cordelia: 'I aspire to help my fellow man.' Check. As long as he's not smelly, dirty or something gross.
Xander: Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty.
Cordelia: Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice.
Xander: [to Willow and Buffy] Is murder always a crime?

Xander: If you wanna be a member of the Scooby Gang, you gotta be willing to be inconvenienced every now and then.

Buffy: Do I like shrubs?
Xander: That's between you and your god.

Xander: For what it's worth...
Principal Snyder: It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event.
Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in a position to be that honest with you.

Willow Rosenberg: Goody! Research party.
Xander: Will, you need a life in the worst way.

Buffy: I really have to bail, but I promise I'll be back bright and early tomorrow and ready to slay.
Rupert Giles: This is a matter of some urgency, Buffy.
Buffy: I realize that. Well, you have to admit I kinda lack in the book area. I mean, you guys are the brains. I'd only be here for moral support anyway.
Xander: That's untrue, Buffy, you totally contribute. You go for snacks.
Willow Rosenberg: [helping Buffy] She should go. You know, gather her strength.
Rupert Giles: Perhaps you're right. There may be fierce battles ahead.
Xander: [desperate] But Ho-Ho's are a vital part of my cognitive process.

Rupert Giles: This ring is worn only by members of the Order of Taraka. It's a society of deadly assassins dating back to King Solomon.
Xander: And didn't they beat the Elks this year in the Sunnydale Adult Bowling League Championships?
Rupert Giles: Their credo is to sow discord and kill the unwary.
Xander: Bowling is a vicious game.

Xander: It's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.
[Willow nods in agreement]

Cordelia: What am I, mass transportation?
Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Prophecy Girl (#1.12)" (1997)
Willow Rosenberg: How'd it go?
Xander: On a scale of one to ten? It sucked.

Xander: How could you let her go?
Rupert Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not *let* her go.

Buffy: I'm sorry. It's just... been a really weird day.
Xander: Yeah, Buffy died and everything.
Willow Rosenberg: Wow, harsh.
Rupert Giles: Should've known that wouldn't stop you.

Xander: Calm may work for Locutus of the Borg here, but I'm freaked out, and I intend to stay that way.

Willow Rosenberg: I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. I'll see you on Monday.
[she leaves]
Xander: That's okay. I don't wanna go. Just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain.

Buffy: [after he asks her out to the dance] Xander, you're one of my best friends. You and Willow.
Xander: Well Willow's not looking to date you. Or if she is she's playing it pretty close to the chest.

Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that.
Angel: No, I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck.
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.

Angel: She's not breathing.
Xander: But if she drowned, uh, there's a shot! CPR!
Angel: You have to do it. I have no breath.

Xander: How can I say this clearly?
[Holds up cross]
Xander: I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. But Buffy's got this big old yen for ya. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.
Angel: You're in love with her.
Xander: Aren't you?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Surprise (#2.13)" (1998)
Xander: Yep, vampires are real. A lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow 'll fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.

Xander: [to Giles] You ready to get down, you funky party weasel?

Xander: [about Giles] Looks like Mr. Caution Man, but the sound he makes is funny.

Rupert Giles: A true creature of evil can survive the process. No human ever has.
Xander: What's the problem? We send Cordy to fight this guy and we go for pizza.

Xander: This thing with us, despite our better judgement - it keeps happening. Maybe we should just admit that we're dating.
Cordelia: Groping in a broom closet isn't dating. You don't call it a date until the guy spends money.
Xander: Fine. I'll spend, then we'll grope. Whatever.

Rupert Giles: Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor.
Xander: You could have just said, "Shh." God, are all you Brits such drama queens?

Rupert Giles: If Drusilla is alive, then i-i-it could be a fairly cataclysmic state of affairs.
Xander: Again, so many words. Couldn't you just say we'd be in trouble?
Rupert Giles: Go to class, Xander.
Xander: Gone. Notice the economy of phrasing. "Gone." Simple. Direct.

Xander Harris: Vampires are real: lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow'll fill you in.
Willow Rosenberg: I know it's hard to accept at first...
Oz: No, actually, it explains a lot...

Xander Harris: Are you ready to get down, you funky party weasel?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chosen (#7.22)" (2003)
Buffy: So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?
Willow: Nothing strenuous.
Xander: Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.
Giles: I think we can do better than that.
Buffy: I was thinking about shopping. As per usual.
Willow: Oh. There's an Arden B. in the new mall.
Xander: Oh, good. I could use a few items.
Giles: Well, now aren't we gonna discuss this? Save the world or go to the mall?
Buffy: I'm having a wicked shoe craving.
Xander: Aren't you on the patch?
Willow: Those never work.
Buffy: Never.
Giles: And here I am, invisible to the eye, not having any vote.
Xander: See, I need a new look. It's this whole eye patch thing.
Buffy: Oh, you could go with full black secret agent look.
Willow: Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash...
Giles: The Earth is *definitely* doomed.

Willow: Did you find out anything about the scythe?
Buffy: It slices, dices, and makes julienne preacher.
Giles: Caleb?
Buffy: I cut him in half.
Willow: All right!
Anya: He had that coming.
Xander: Hey, party in my eye socket, and everyone's invited.
[everyone stares at Xander]
Xander: Sometimes I shouldn't say words.

[Dawn kicks Buffy in the shin]
Buffy: Ow.
Dawn: Dumbass.
[Buffy looks at Xander]
Xander: Don't look at me. This is a Summers' thing. It's all very violent.
Buffy: [glares at Dawn] If you get killed, I'm telling.

Anya: Come on, let's go assemble the cannon fodder.
Xander: That's not what we're calling 'em, sweetie.
Anya: Not to their faces. What am I, insensitive?

Andrew: We will defend it with our very lives.
Anya: Yes, we will defend it with his very life.
Xander: And don't be afraid to use him as a human shield.
Anya: Good. Yes. Thanks.

Xander: So, did you see?
Andrew: I-I was scared. I'm sorry.
Xander: Did you see what happened? I mean, was she...
Andrew: She was incredible. She died saving my life.
Xander: That's my girl. Always doin' the stupid thing.

Dawn: We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.
Xander: All those shops, gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys "R" Us. Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world of them?

Andrew Wells: [about Anya] She died saving my life.
Xander Harris: That's my girl. Always doing the stupid thing.

Giles: [playing a board game] I used to be a highly respected watcher, and now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily. I just wish I could sleep.
Dawn: What kind of person could sleep on a night like this?
Xander: [strokes the sleeping Anya's head] Only the crazy ones.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Welcome to the Hellmouth (#1.1)" (1997)
Alexander "Xander" Harris: Can I have you? Duh... Can I help you?

Xander: Not much goes on in a one-Starbucks town like Sunnydale.

Alexander "Xander" Harris: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around. Maybe at school... since we... both... go there.
Buffy Summers: Great! It was nice to meet you.
[leaves]
Alexander "Xander" Harris: [Unimpressed with himself] We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.
[Noticing something on the floor]
Alexander "Xander" Harris: Oh, hey! Hey, you forgot your... stake!

Jesse McNally: Is it me, or-or are you turning into a bibbling idiot?
Xander: No it's, uh, it's not you.

Jesse McNally: Well, you know, we wanted to welcome ya, make ya feel at home. Unless you have a scary home.
[Xander takes Buffy's stake out of his backpack]
Alexander "Xander" Harris: And to return this. The only thing I could think is that you're building a really little fence.

Xander: Willow! You're so very much the person I wanted to see.
Willow: Oh, really?
Xander: Yeah, you know, I kind of had a problem with the math?
Willow: Oh, which part?
Xander: The math.

Willow: Do you have Theories in Trig? You should check it out.
Xander: Check it out?
Willow: From the library. Where the books live.

Cordelia Chase: Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker.
Buffy Summers: Dead?
Cordelia Chase: Totally dead. Way dead.
Xander Harris: So not just a little dead then?

Xander: Hey, Jesse, what's what?
Jesse: New girl.
Xander: That's right. I saw her. Pretty much a hottie.
Willow: I heard someone was transferring.
Xander: So, tell.
Jesse: Tell what?
Xander: What's the sitch? What do you know about her?
Jesse: New girl.
Xander: Well, you're certainly a font of nothing.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Beer Bad (#4.5)" (1999)
Buffy: Want beer. Like beer. Beer good.
Xander: Beer bad. Bad, bad beer.

Xander: I'm the new bartender over at the pub. Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face.
Willow Rosenberg: Aren't you too young to be a bartender?
Xander: Au contraire, mon frère.
Buffy: Mon frère means brother.
Xander: Mon girl-frère. Behold.
[holds up a fake ID]
Willow Rosenberg: I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.
Xander: What gives it away?
Willow Rosenberg: Looking at it.
Xander: Well, no one's gonna see it anyway. Now *I'm* the bartender. I kick people out.

[Xander is practicing to be a bartender by listening to Buffy's problems]
Xander: Ooh, then unload 'em right here, baby. Rough day? You wanna talk about it?
[pause]
Xander: Shutting up now.
Willow Rosenberg: I'm pregnant by my stepbrother who'd rather be with my best friend. And he's left me with no place to live. No food except for this bottle of Wild Turkey which I drank all up.
[Xander looks confused]
Willow Rosenberg: That was me being tanked and friendless for ya.
Xander: Gets my Oscar nod.

Rupert Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander: I didn't know it was evil.
Rupert Giles: You knew it was beer.
Xander: Well, excuse me, Mister "I Spent the Sixties in an Electric Kool-Aid Funky Satan Groove."
Rupert Giles: It was the early seventies and you should know better.

[flicks lighter]
Xander: Rough day? Come on, Buff. Be a lonely drunk.
[flicks lighter again]
Xander: Rough day?
Buffy: Stop flicking at me.
Xander: Work with me here. I'm finally an essential part of your collegey life. No more looking down on the townie.

Xander: Giles, don't make cave-slayer unhappy.

Xander: And was there a lesson in all this, huh? What did we learn about beer?
Buffy: Foamy!
Xander: Good. Just as long as that's clear.

Willow Rosenberg: Buffy, that is my best friend, you need to think about not Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.
Xander: Pfft.
[loudly]
Xander: Nothing can defeat the penis!
[Willow and Buffy stare at him]
Xander: [Xander looks embarrassed] Too loud. Very unseemly.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Halloween (#2.6)" (1997)
Larry Blaisdell: You and Buffy, you're just friends, right?
Xander Harris: I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss.

Larry Blaisdell: I heard some guy say she was fast.
Xander Harris: I hope you mean 'like the wind.'

Xander Harris: A black eye heals, Buffy, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life.

Xander Harris: We must have some kind of amnesia.
Buffy Summers: I don't know what that is, but I'm certain I don't have it. I bathe quite often.

Willow Rosenberg: [about trick-or-treat volunteers] Snyder must be in charge of the volunteer safety program for Halloween this year.
Xander Harris: [as Snyder 'pulls' kids to the table] Note his interesting take on the volunteer concept.
Buffy Summers: What's the deal?
[as they reach their lockers]
Xander Harris: Oh, a bunch of little kids need people to take them trick-or- treating. Sign up and get your own pack of sugar-hyped little runts for the night.
Buffy Summers: Yikes! I'll stick to vampires.

Xander Harris: [about their costumes] I can't believe this. We have to get dressed up and the whole deal?
Willow Rosenberg: Snyder said costumes were mandatory.
Buffy Summers: Great. I was gonna stay in and veg. The one night a year things are supposed to be quiet for me.
Xander Harris: Halloween quiet? Oh, I figured it'd be a big old vamp scare- apalooza.

Larry Blaisdell: [catching him] Harris!
Xander Harris: Hey, Lar. You're lookin' cro-mag as usual. What can I do you for?
Larry Blaisdell: You and Buffy, you're just friends, right?
Xander Harris: I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss.
Larry Blaisdell: So, she-she's not your girlfriend?
Xander Harris: Alas, no. Larry looks over at Buffy as he walks around Xander.
Larry Blaisdell: Do you think she'd go out with me?

Xander Harris: We must have some kind of amnesia.
Buffy Summers: I don't know what that is, but I'm certain I don't have it. I bathe quite often!
Xander Harris: [about all the chaos] How do you explain this?
Buffy Summers: I don't! I was brought up a proper lady. I-I wasn't meant to understand things. I'm just meant to look pretty, and then someone nice will marry me, possibly a Baron.
Xander Harris: This ain't no tea party, princess. Sooner or later you're gonna have to fight!
Buffy Summers: [real huffy] Fight these low creatures? I'd sooner die.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Restless (#4.22)" (2000)
Principal Snyder: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there, waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers, like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
Xander Harris: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.

Soldier: [Xander's dream Apocalypse Now] We gotta keep goin' men. We gotta take that hill. Damn this war.
Rupert Giles: I have to say, I really feel Apocalypse Now is overrated.
Xander Harris: [confused] No, no, it gets better. I remember that it gets better.
Soldier: [in movie] Oh my God. What's happened to my men? Augh!
Buffy Summers: Want some corn?
Xander Harris: Butter flavor?
Buffy Summers: New car smell.
Xander Harris: Cool.

Xander Harris: [Xander's dream] I move pretty fast. You know, a man's always after...
Joyce: Conquest?
Xander Harris: I'm a conquistador.
Joyce: You sure it isn't comfort?
Xander Harris: I'm a comfortador also.
Joyce: I do know the difference. I've learned about boys.

Xander Harris: [Xander's dream peeing, and scientists and soldiers from The Initiative are all watching him] Ok, I'm gonna find another bathroom.

Spike: [In Xander's dream] Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff.
Rupert Giles: Spike's like a son to me.
Xander Harris: That's good. I was into that for a while, but... I got other stuff goin' on. You gotta have something. Gotta be with movin' forward.
Buffy Summers: Like a shark.
Xander Harris: Like a shark with feet and... much less fins.
Spike: And on land.
Rupert Giles: Very good.

Principal Snyder: [Xander's dreaming he is in Apocalypse Now] Are you a soldier?
Xander Harris: I'm a comfortador.
Principal Snyder: You're neither. You're a whipping boy. Raised by mongrels and set on a sacrificial stone.
Xander Harris: I'm getting a cramp.
[stands up]

Xander Harris: [In Xander's dream the door at the top of his basement is rattling] That's not the way out.
Xander's Father: [the door slams open showing Xander's father at the top of the stairs] What the hell is wrong with you? You won't come upstairs? What, are you ashamed of us? Your mother's crying her guts out.
Xander Harris: You don't understand.
Xander's Father: [comes down the steps] No. You don't understand. The line ends here with us and you're not gonna change that. You haven't got the heart.
[reaches into Xander's chest and rips out his heart]

Xander Harris: [in Willow's dream] So whatcha been doin'? Doing spells?
[to Oz]
Xander Harris: She does spells with Tara.
Oz: Yeah, I heard about that.
Willow: I'm gonna be late.
Xander Harris: Sometimes I think about two women doin' a spell... and then I do a spell by myself.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Superstar (#4.17)" (2000)
Xander: [about Jonathan] So, we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?
Giles: Yes.
Xander: That is so cool.

Xander Harris: [practicing a quick-draw with a stake] The quick-draw is about more than speed. It's also about pointing the stake the right way. And, there can be splinter issues. It is a true test of dexterity.
Anya: [re milk carton] Can you open this?
Xander Harris: No, I tear it and it gets all sloshy.

[Giles and company are researching old magic books]
Riley Finn: These spells, these really work? I mean, can you really "turn your enemies inside out"? Or "learn to excrete gold coins"?
Anya: That one's not so much fun.
Willow Rosenberg: They work, Riley. But they take concentration, being attuned with the forces of the universe.
Xander Harris: Right. You can't just go "librum incendere" and expect...
[Xander's book bursts into flames and he slams it shut, extinguishing it]
Giles: [wearily] Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.

Riley Finn: Did anyone else feel way too tall? I felt *way* too tall.
Xander Harris: I liked his clothes. He had really cool clothes.
Willow Rosenberg: I still don't understand how he got the house and everything.
Anya: And who really did star in The Matrix?
Riley Finn: Wait! That wasn't real either?

Xander: We knocked 'em dead... which they already were.
Willow Rosenberg: We knocked 'em deader.

[to Jonathan]
Xander: Oh! Oh! He's like your kryptonite.

Anya: Did not.
Xander: Last night. With me. You said "Jonathan".
Anya: It was a moan!
Xander: Fine. You moaned "Jonathan".
Anya: [shaking her head] Uh-uh! It was like, "ahhh-n".
Xander: Maybe it was "Ahh-nathan". Still not fluffin' up the old ego.

Willow Rosenberg: Hey, I found the mark. It's part of an augmentation spell. Jonathan did an augmentation spell.
Riley Finn: What, uh... Did he have...? You know...
Willow Rosenberg: Him. And how we see him. This spell turns the sorcerer into a paragon. The best of everything. Everyone's ideal. But there's a drawback.
Riley Finn: A drawback?
Xander Harris: That happens a lot.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bad Eggs (#2.12)" (1998)
[Xander's boiling of his egg]
Giles: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that... or, possibly, thank you.

Mr. Whitmore: S-E-X. Sex. The sex drive in the human animal is intense. How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?
Xander: Yes! Mm-hm.
Mr. Whitmore: That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.

Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words.

Willow Rosenberg: Did I really hit you?
Xander: You knocked me out.
Cordelia Chase: Did I hit you?
Xander: Yes. Everyone hit me.
Cordelia Chase: Good. Well, I don't mean good because I hit you, but, I didn't wanna be left out.

Xander: Can I just say, 'gyegh!'.
Buffy: I see your 'gyegh!' and raise you a 'gnyaah!'.

Xander: You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow Rosenberg: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.

Buffy: [about the egg experiment] I can't do this. I can't take care of things. I killed my Giga Pet. Literally. I sat on it and it broke.
Willow Rosenberg: You'll do fine.
Xander: Yeah, the thing that stresses me is, when do we tell them they're adopted?

Giles: But the good news is that they're not amongst the great thinkers of our time. I doubt that they're up to much, just drawn here by the Hellmouth's energy.
Xander: 'Nuff said! I propose Buffy slays 'em. All in favour?
Willow Rosenberg: [she and Xander raises their hands] Aye!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I Only Have Eyes for You (#2.19)" (1998)
Xander: He killed a person and killed himself. Those are pretty much two of the dumbest things you could do.
Willow: I know, but... Well, don't you feel kind of bad for them?
Buffy: Sure I feel lousy. For her. He's a murderer and he should pay for it.
Willow: With his life?
Buffy: No, he should be doing sixty years in a prison, breaking rocks and making special friends with Roscoe the Weightlifter.
Xander: Yikes. The quality of mercy is not Buffy.

Xander: "Something weird is going on." Isn't that our school motto?

Xander: I'll have you know I was just accosted by some kind of, um, locker monster.
Rupert Giles: Loch Ness Monster?
Buffy: *Locker* monster is what he said.

Buffy: What do we know?
Xander: Dog spit is cleaner than human.

Willow: I've done some homework and found out the only solution is the final solution.
Xander: Nuke the school? I like that.

Rupert Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's-it's... it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it.
Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with.
Xander: He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.
[Buffy leaves the room]
Cordelia Chase: Okay. Over-identify much?

Willow: It says a student murdered a teacher on the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance. The rumor was they were having an affair and she tried to break it off. After he killed her, he went into the music room and shot himself.
Xander: Ladies and Gentlemen - we have a ghost.

Rupert Giles: Ooh! Sounds like paranormal phenomena.
Willow: A ghost? Cool!
Xander: Oh, no, no, no. No cool. This was no wimpy chain-rattler. This was, 'I'm dead as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.'
Rupert Giles: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning!
Buffy: So we have some bad boo on our hands?
Rupert Giles: Yes.
Willow: Well, why is it here? Does it just wanna scare people?
Rupert Giles: Unfortunately he doesn't know exactly what he wants. That's-that's the trouble. See, uh, many times, the spirit is plagued by all manner worldly troubles. Being dead, it has no way to-to-to make its peace. So it-it lashes out, growing ever more confused, ever more angry.
Buffy: So it's the normal teenager... only dead.
Willow: Well, what can we do? Is there any way to stop it?
Rupert Giles: Well, the only tried and true way is to work out what unresolved issues keep it here and-and-and-and, um, resolve them.
Buffy: Fabulous. Now we're Dr. Laura for the deceased.
Rupert Giles: Only if we can find out who the spirit is... or was.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Primeval (#4.21)" (2000)
Xander: Spike's working for Adam? After all we've done for- Nah. I can't even act surprised.

Xander: Does anybody else miss the mayor? "I just wanna be a big snake."

Xander: See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
Buffy Summers: What was I thinking?

Willow Rosenberg: Nervous?
Xander: No way. I'm full of that good old kamikaze spirit.
Rupert Giles: Xander, just because this is never gonna work is no need to be negative.

Xander: Great plan. That's right up there with "duck and cover."

[Xander is lying in his bed, brooding. Anya comes in]
Anya: Xander. You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office this morning.
[looks under his covers]
Anya: You can't go like that. They won't even interview you if you're naked.
Xander: I'm not going. There's never anything good. Maybe I should join the army.
Anya: Don't they make you get up really early in the morning?
Xander: Oh, yeah. Never mind.
Anya: Are you still upset about that fight you had with your friends? It was hours ago! Get over it.
Xander: Anya, you... Forget it.
Anya: So they all think you're a lost, directionless loser with no plans for his future. Pfft!
Xander: Anya, you can't 'pfft!' that stuff away.
Anya: Why not?
Xander: I don't know. 'Cause I think maybe they're right.
[Anya looks at him for a few seconds, then lies down with him]
Anya: So what if they are? You're a good person and a good boyfriend and... and I'm in love with you. Whatever they think of you, it shouldn't matter.
Xander: Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't matter.
[looks to the ceiling, unconvinced]

[Buffy and Willow hug at the bottom of the elevator after a long talk]
Buffy: Let's promise to never not talk again.
Willow: I promise, I promise.
[Xander touches ground between them. Both girls hug him at once]
Buffy: Xander!
Willow: Oh, wonderful Xander!
Buffy: You know we love you, right?
Willow: We totally do.
Xander: Oh, God. We're gonna die, aren't we?

Willow Rosenberg: [Preforming spell] Spiritus... Spirit.
[She hands a card to Xander]
Xander: Animus... Heart.
[Willow hands a card to Giles]
Rupert Giles: Sophus... Mind.
Willow Rosenberg: And Manus... The hand.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds (2003) (VG)
Xander Harris: Oh, monkey poo.

Xander Harris: Whoa, hang on. You promised not to beat Ethan to a pulp until I got here.
Buffy: And now you're here. Let the beating commence.

[first lines]
Buffy: A surprise party? Whose idea was this? I'll kill ya. Not that I appreciate the thought, but who invited the vampires?
Xander Harris: Don't look at me. I wanted Anya to jump out of the cake. Wait, that was for *my* birthday.
Buffy: And much as we'd like to hear *that* story.

Xander Harris: Wait a minute. We're all here for a reason. Well, the rest of us are here because Ethan picked us. And Sid want to get away from the First. But what about Ethan? Maybe this is why he's here.
Ethan Rayne: Don't look at me. You're trying to keep me from getting the power I've worked all these years for, and you want me to help? You're all daft.
Buffy: No. I think Xander's right. She's *your* ancestor, Ethan. You've got to take the eyes.
[Ethan takes the eye and a portal appears in midair]
Faith: Now we're cooking with gas.
[the First appears]
The First: [to Buffy] You are a fool, Slayer. Did you truly think that you could do such a thing, in *this place*, without me knowing your every move?
Sid the Dummy: You know, for a being that likes a good wager, you seem awful eager to disrupt the contest before it's over.
The First: Little matchstick man. Do not try my patience. You are not even a part of this contest. The only reason I do not destroy you is that I am savoring the nurturing of hope in your heart, just as I will enjoy bearing witness to the destruction of that hope. Now, Slayer, it is time for the final contest to begin.
Buffy: [to everyone] Ready?
Xander Harris: Can I go home now?
Buffy: Let's go.

Xander Harris: Nada. Zip. Zilch. The big goose egg.

Faith: You did it, B. Thanks for the ringside seat.
Xander Harris: So what now? How do we get back?
Willow Rosenberg: It will happen on its own. I can... I can feel this place unraveling.
Buffy: What about you, Sid? What happens now?
Sid the Dummy: Now? Now I get to rest, at last. I've heard it said Heaven's different for everyone. For me it's gonna involve cards, babes and whiskey. Maybe I'll try to look up that doll Cassandra when I get there. Fella like me could show a girl like that a real good time.
[Sid leaves in a flash of light]
Buffy: I bet you could, Sid. I bet you could.

[HUGHUCHAGAKK is written on a blackboard]
Xander Harris: Okay, guessing this doesn't say, "Surrender, Dorothy". Now I've gotta figure out what it *does* say.

Xander Harris: [finds a medikit] A medikit, alright! Time to find Anya and play naughty nurse


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Wish (#3.9)" (1998)
Xander: But you know what really bugs me? Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake, but I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.
Willow: Darn tootin'.
Xander: And they burst in rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.

Xander: [as Vamp Xander] So you're a Watcher, huh? Watch this.
[drinks Cordelia]

Xander: [as Vamp Xander] "Gotta get Buffy here." Isn't that what they called The Slayer?
Willow: [as Vamp Willow] Hm, Buffy, ooh scary.
Xander: [as Vamp Xander] Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.

Cordelia: What is this? Some kind of sick joke? Harmony told me you were dead.
Xander: [as Vamp Xander] Now, why would she say something like that? Let's think.

Xander: I cannot stress enough how much I don't have plans.

[to a vampire]
Xander: [as Vamp Xander] Slap my hand, dead soul man.

Xander: [as Vamp Xander] We really are livin' in a golden age.

Xander: Is it too much to ask for a little backup?
Buffy: I'm here for you Xand. I'm Supporto Gal.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Family (#5.6)" (2000)
Tara: Yeah. You learn her source, and, uh, we'll introduce her to her insect reflection.
[pause. everyone stares]
Tara: Um, th-that was funny if you, um, if you studied Taglarin mythic rites... and are a complete dork.
Riley Finn: Oh. Then how come Xander didn't laugh?
Xander Harris: I don't know that Taglarin stuff.

[Mr. Maclay is trying to take Tara]
Xander Harris: You're dealing with all of us.
Spike: 'Cept me.
Xander Harris: 'Cept Spike.
Spike: I don't care what happens.

Xander Harris: [Trying to think of what to get Tara for her Birthday] Well, candles, maybe, or bath oils of some kind.
Buffy Summers: I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomy's... but, I think I want me to have it.
Rupert Giles: [Comes over] And you are talking about what on earth?
Buffy Summers: Tara's birthday. We're at a loss.
Rupert Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander Harris: Well, we don't really know... the kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Rupert Giles: Bloody well better not! I've got mine already wrapped.

Donny Maclay: [while looking at the books in the magic shop] So all these books got spells in 'em? Turn people into frogs, things like that?
Xander Harris: Yeah, we're building a race of frog people. It's a good time.

Donny Maclay: Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by God I will beat you down.
Xander Harris: And I swear by your full and manly beard you're gonna break something trying.

Dawn Summers: This place is so cool, except I have to wear this stupid stamp on my hand.
Xander Harris: That's to keep you from boozing it up.
Dawn Summers: Oh, please! Only losers drink alcohol.

Riley Finn: He started it.
Xander Harris: He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might've been Latin.
Rupert Giles: Stop it, or you're going to break something.
Buffy Summers: Or I'm going to break something.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Get It Done (#7.15)" (2003)
Kennedy: We'll just start with what we know, and take it from there.
Xander: Great. So far we know Jack about squat. Let's go from there.

Buffy Summers: I'm the Slayer. The one with the power. And the First has me using that power to dig our graves. I've been carrying you - all of you - too far, too long. Ride's over.
Kennedy: You're out of line!
Willow: No, she's not.
Kennedy: You're gonna let her talk to you like that? Willow, she's not even the most powerful one in this room. With you here, she's not close.
Buffy Summers: You're new here, and you're wrong. Because I use the power that I have. The rest of you are just waiting for me.
Xander: Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You're our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the."
Buffy Summers: Well, from now on, I'm your leader as in "do what I say."
Xander: Ja wohl! But let's not try to forget, we're also your friends.
Anya: I'm not.
Buffy Summers: Then why are you here? Aside from getting rescued, what is it that you do?
Anya: I provide much needed... sarcasm.
Xander: Um, that'd... kinda be my job, actually.

Anya: What was that about an exchange?
[an enormous demon appears where Buffy had been]
Xander: Ah, this must be the exchange student.

Xander: Looks like it's spell'o'clock.

Kennedy: What's that sound?
Xander: Okay, so far, so creepy.

[Xander takes a figure out of the emergency kit]
Xander: Puppets.
[laughs while making the figure dance]
Xander: That's it! The First hates puppets. Now if we could just air-lift Kermit, Fozzie the Bear, and Miss Piggy into town, the first would be a-runnin'.
Willow: Those are Muppets.

Dawn Summers: These things are shadow-casters. You put them in motion, and they tell you a story.
[references the book]
Dawn Summers: It says you can't just watch, you have to see.
Anya: What the hell does that mean?
Xander: It's cryptic. I don't like it. Every time instructions get cryptic, someone gets hurt-usually me.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Where the Wild Things Are (#4.18)" (2000)
Xander: So, with Buffy and Riley having... you know, acts of nakedness around the clock lately, maybe they set something free... like a big, bursting poltergasm.

Xander: Anya, look around. There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair... We're fresh out of superpeople, and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now who's with me?
[Willow and Tara hesitate]
Spike: I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics... and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And, I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But...
[pauses]
Spike: Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing.
[walks away]
Spike: I wonder if Asian House is open.

[about Giles' singing]
Tara Maclay: Does he do this a lot?
Xander: Sure, every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.

Xander: You smell sin? Well let me tell you something lady, she who smelt it dealt it!

Xander: So this totally adds to my 'old people are crazy' theorem.

Xander: What do you feel?
Anya: Upset, afraid of being without you, and a little hungry.
Xander: I meant about the house.
Anya: Oh. Still haunted.

Genevive Holt: Without me they would have been shut out of the Kingdom, lost to lust.
Rupert Giles: But you... helped them.
Genevive Holt: The girls felt the vanity more than the boys. I'd see them preening like Jezebel, doting over their pretty hair.
Xander: So you'd hack it off.
Genevive Holt: I'd remove the temptation to admire themselves. They were better for it.
Xander: What about the bathtub? Something happened there.
Genevive Holt: I performed baptisms on the most unclean. Those who were tainted with impure thought and deed.
Rupert Giles: You held them under?
Genevive Holt: They needed to be reborn. You choose to pass judgment on me?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Graduation Day: Part 1 (#3.21)" (1999)
Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?

Xander: Guess who our commencement speaker is?
Willow: Sigfreid?
Xander: No.
Willow: Roy?
Xander: No.
Willow: One of the tigers?
Xander: Come out of the fantasy, Will.

Anya: You're going to die if you stay here.
Xander: I guess I might.
Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit.
Xander: Welcome to the world of romance.
Anya: It's horrible. No wonder I used to get so much work.

Xander: The Mayor is gonna kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
Cordelia: Yeah. Me too.

Cordelia: I can't believe this loser look. I lobbied so hard for the teal. No one ever listens to me. Lone fashionable wolf.
Xander: I like the maroon, has more dignity.
Cordelia: Dignity? You? In relation to clothes? I'm awash in a sea of confusion.

Xander: Come on, guys. The suspense is killing Angel.

Xander: I've been lucky too many times. My number's coming up. And I was short! One more rotation and I'm shipping stateside! You know what I mean?
Cordelia: Seldom if ever.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Triangle (#5.11)" (2001)
Olaf the Troll: You... told the witch to do that, Anyanka. You seem determined to put an end to all my fun. Just like you always did when we were dating!
[Buffy, Willow, Xander, Tara and Spike look at Anya in disbelief]
Anya: Uh, um...
Xander Harris: You dated him?
Buffy: You dated a troll?
Willow: And we're what, surprised by this?

Xander Harris: It's like, where's Riley? Oh, wait, the Central Republic of Where-in-the-Hell.

Xander Harris: So, how goes the slaying?
Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander Harris: In any other room, a frightening declaration, here a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
Buffy: Pretty standard, vampire staking. Oh, but I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple.
Xander Harris: Okay, now we're back to frightening.

Xander Harris: Uh-huh. Go away.
Spike: Now why would I do that when it's bugging you so much having me here? They have chicken wings, too. Also, a sort of a flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. It's brilliant.
Xander Harris: Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?
Spike: Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell.

Xander Harris: Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya and Willow will get this look, this, um, What-The-Hell-Do-You-See-In-Her look.
Spike: I know that look. A lot of people never really got Dru, you know.
Xander Harris: Well, she was insane.

Xander Harris: Well, we can take care of the hungry. So, how's about you just sit down in one of the sturdier chairs, and we could have a calm talk and something to eat.
Olaf the Troll: Can it be babies?
Xander Harris: Well, not so much.
Olaf the Troll: Ooh.
Xander Harris: But maybe some roast pigs and stags and much hearty grog.
Spike: They've got this onion thing...

Xander Harris: [to Olaf] You are one crazy troll. I-I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane troll logic.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Go Fish (#2.20)" (1998)
Cordelia: It's about time our school excelled at something.
Willow: Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.
Xander: We're number one!

[Xander is wearing a speedo]
Xander: I'm undercover.
Buffy: Not under much.

[first lines]
Xander: All I'm saying is, it's a stupid idea to have a victory party at the beach.

Willow: So we're lookin' for a beasty.
Rupert Giles: That, uh, eats humans whole, except for the skin.
Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.
Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part.
Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol?
[Giles looks at her thoroughly un-amused]
Buffy: You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh.

Xander: Sure, the discus throwers got the best seats at *all* the crucifixions.

Willow: Dodd McAlvy, torn tendon. Gage Petronzi, fractured wrist, depression, headaches...
Buffy: It's all there in the school medical records.
Willow: All symptomatic of steroid abuse.
Xander: But is steroid abuse usually linked with 'Hey I'm a fish'?

Buffy: [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINES, in response to Cordy's comment about Xander trying for the football team] You're not the only one he proved himself to. In fact... You keep playing your cards right, Xander, and I think our team's gonna start having you call the shots - instead of me.
Xander: [wincing] Me... call the shots... instead of you?
[shudders]
Xander: I'd rather be a fish.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dead Man's Party (#3.2)" (1998)
Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good.

Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
Cordelia: What's the difference?
Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
Xander: Well, I hate brie.
Cordelia: I know. It smells like Giles' cat.
Giles: It's not my...

Xander: So where were you? Did you go to Belgium?
Buffy Summers: Why would I go to Belgium?
Xander: I think the relevant question is why wouldn't ya? Belgium.

Cordelia: I'm the dip.
[Everyone looks at her]
Xander: Eh, you gotta admire the purity of it.
Cordelia: What? Onion dip. Stirring, not cooking. It's what I bring.

Xander: Check it out. The Watcher's back on the clock. And just when you're thinking career change, maybe becoming a... a looker or a... a seer.

Joyce Summers: That does it! You and I are gonna have a talk right here!
Buffy Summers: Mom, please...
Joyce Summers: I don't care! I don't care what your friends think of me or you for that matter because you put me through the ringer, Buffy. Do you have any idea what it's been like for me. You disappear for over three months... three months of not knowing if you were lying dead in a ditch somewhere or living it up?
Buffy Summers: But you told me! You told me to leave! You said that if I leave this house, don't come back. You found out who I really was and you couldn't handle it! These were your very own words: "I don't accept that!"
Joyce Summers: Buffy, you didn't give me any time to deal with it! You just dump this revelation on me and expect me to get it? Well, guess what? I'm not perfect! I'm sorry! I handled it badly! But that doesn't give you the right to punish me by running away!
Buffy Summers: Punish you? I didn't do this to punish you.
Xander: Well, you did, Buffy! You should have seen her worried about you. What you did in taking off was selfish and stupid!
Buffy Summers: Okay, I admit it! I screwed up, but you have no idea what happened to me or what I was feeling after confronting Angel!
Xander: Did you even try talking to anybody?
Buffy Summers: There was nothing any of you could do! I don't want to talk about it! I just had to deal with this on my own!
Xander: Yeah, you see how that worked out, Buffy. You can't just bury stuff like your feelings. It will come right back up to get you.

Xander: Enough, Buffy! You need to stay here at listen to all of us!
Buffy Summers: God, Xander... can you be any more annoying? You can at least stick to annoying me on your own behalf!
Xander: Fine! You stop acting like an idiot, and I'll stop annoying you!
Buffy Summers: You want to talk about acting like an idiot... night hawk?
Oz: All right, that's it! Enough arguing, both of you! I'm stepping in between both of you as referee guy.
Willow Rosenberg: No, let them go, Oz. Talking about it isn't helping. We might as well try some violence.
[suddenly the zombies break into the house from all directions and start attacking the party guests]
Willow Rosenberg: I was being sarcastic!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Tabula Rasa (#6.8)" (2001)
Anya: What? I-I'm, just saying what everyone's thinking. Right, baby?
Xander Harris: You are attractive, and have many good qualities.

Xander Harris: [When the vampires start attacking, Xander drops to his knees, clasps his hands and looks upward] Now I'm not sure what I am so bear with me here - Now I lay me down to sleep, uh, shabat Israel, uh, om, om.

Xander Harris: [after waking up with no memory] Okay, why was I on the ground? And why are you all staring at me? Is this some kind of psych test? Am I getting paid for this?

Xander Harris: [Looks at his wallet] It's me! 'Alexander Harris.' Cute picture.
[holds it up to them]
Xander Harris: Hey, I exist!

Buffy: Did you guys see that?
Spike: Vampires!
Tara Maclay: [Hopefully] Maybe it's Halloween.
Dawn: It doesn't feel like Halloween.
Xander Harris: Even if it is, those guys are definitely not kids, and those are definitely not costumes. Randy's right. Looks like we have vampires.

Willow Rosenberg: We were so selfish. I was so selfish.
Xander Harris: Maybe we were. I just feel weird feeling bad that my friend's not dead. It's too mind-boggling. So I've decided to simplify the whole thing. Me like Buffy. Buffy's alive. So me glad.

Xander Harris: We need to spend more time with her. Just hang out. Maybe have weekly dinners over here. Or... a book club. Short books. Videos.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Blood Ties (#5.13)" (2001)
Dawn: They were talking about me, just like everybody is.
Xander: Again, not so much. In fact, none.
Anya: We were talking about sex. I mean, you know us, sometimes we like to pretend stuff...
Joyce: Um...
Xander: Anya.
Anya: You know, like, say there's a fireman, or a shepherd...
Buffy: You know what? Let's not have this exchange of images right now.

Xander: [about Dawn] You know, uh, she kinda has a crush on me.
Giles: Your point being?
Xander: Oh, nothing. No. Just saying... powerful being... big energy gal, diggin' the Xan man. Some guys are just cooler, you know?

Anya: [to Dawn] You make a very pretty little girl!
Xander: [trying to shut Anya up] Anya, you wanna help me with that thing?
Anya: Heh heh. Xander needs help with his "thing".

Xander: We're goin' up against a god. An actual, mightier-than-thou god.
Willow Rosenberg: Well, you know what they say: The bigger they are...
Anya: The faster they stomp you into nothing.

Giles: All we have to worry about right now is that she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane.
Xander: A *crazy* hellgod? And the fun just keeps on leaving!

Buffy: If Glory knew that you guys knew where it was... I-I just didn't want to put you in that kind of danger.
Xander: As opposed to the other kind we're always in?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Ted (#2.11)" (1997)
[his reaction to Buffy's "parental issues"]
Xander: Freud would have said the exact same thing. Except, he might not have done that little dance.

Buffy: Angel's sources say the contract's off.
Xander: How is Angel?
[Buffy and Willow look at him]
Xander: Pretend I care.

Buffy: I mean, so far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite and my mother really likes him.
Alexander "Xander" Harris: What kind of a monster is he?
Buffy: I'm just saying, there's something a little too clean about this clown.
Willow Rosenberg: [laughs] He's a clean clown!
[others stare]
Willow Rosenberg: I have my own fun.

Xander: Whatcha got in the closet, Ted?
[he opens the door and looks inside with his flashlight and can't believe his eyes. He quickly slams the door shut]
Xander: Let's go.
Cordelia Chase: But we need evidence
Xander: We got it.
Willow: What's in there?
Xander: His first four wives.

Willow Rosenberg: What do you mean, check him out?
Buffy: I mean: investigate him. Find out his secrets. Hack into his life.
Alexander "Xander" Harris: Can you say "over-reaction"?
Buffy: Can you say "sucking chest wound"?

Xander: What do we know?
Willow: Well, apparently the secret ingredient is not love.
Xander: What is it?
Willow: I'm not positive, but I think it's dematorin. It's like a tranquilliser. Keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with ecstasy.
Xander: This is evidence. This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared. Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you.
[Willow smiles proudly]
Xander: That's the cookies talkin', but you rock!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Two to Go (#6.21)" (2002)
Anya: I care if you live or die, Xander. I'm just not sure which one I want.
Xander: Again with the comfort. Look, we both know things might get ugly at, uh, Wiccapalooza and if it gets really bad...
Anya: Let me guess: you'll propose?
Xander: I need to know if you're gonna turn on me, use this little shindig as an excuse for some sweet revenge.
Anya: There is nothing in this world that would give me greater or more lasting satisfaction than to reap bloody vengeance upon you, Xander Harris, but I can't. Not officially. Not magically. So, smile. It's your lucky day. You got away with it. I can't hurt you.
Xander: Right, 'cause you varnishing the table with Spike - how could that possibly have hurt? It may have chaffed...
Anya: That wasn't vengeance. It was solace.

Xander: Hey, now, play nice fellas, or you'll break our concentration.
Anya: Which means, no protection spell.
Xander: And Willow will make you two boneless chickens skinless, too.
Andrew Wells: And then what? You think your little witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her. She's a truck driving, magic mama! And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers. And not one of you bunch has the midi-chlorians to stop her.
Xander: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?

Xander: Boys, if you don't knock it off, I will pull this car over and you can just walk to your painful deaths from here.

Jonathan Levinson: I still can't believe that was Willow. I mean, I've known her almost as long as you guys. Willow was, you know - she packed her own lunches, and wore floods, and was always... just Willow.
[the car gets hit]
Jonathan Levinson: Geez it!
Andrew Wells: What was that?
Xander: Just Willow.

[first lines]
Xander: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Anya: Again?
Buffy Summers: Xander, we don't have time to stop.
Xander: I know it's just... what happened back there. The sight... the sounds of it... the smell... Willow did that.
Buffy Summers: I know. That's why we have to keep moving. You heard what she said, "one down".
Anya: She was talking about two to go, right? Jonathan and... what's his face? That other guy...
Buffy Summers: Andrew. They're sitting at the county jail without a clue Willow's coming for them.
Xander: You don't think she's gonna kill them too? She wouldn't. It doesn't make sense. They're not the ones who killed Tara. Warren did that all by himself.
Buffy Summers: Willow's got an addictive personality. She just tasted blood. She could be there already!
Anya: No, she couldn't. A witch at her level... she can only go airborne. It's the thing you saw... it's more flashy, impresses the locals, but it does take longer.
Xander: Longer then what?
Anya: Teleporting.
[in an instant, Anya disappears before them]
Xander: How...? Right... of course. I forgot. Vengeance demon. Well, at least Anya will get there first.
Buffy Summers: I'm counting the ways that can go wrong.

Xander: I'm not worried. Anya can handle herself.
Buffy Summers: Against a dark vengeful Willow? Tonight? Don't be too sure.
Xander: Speaking of going airborne, Willow could be coming down at some point. Back there I agree with you that she was out of her head. Running on grief and magics...
Buffy Summers: That doesn't matter! Willow just killed someone! Killing people changes you. Believe me, I know. Remember what went down with Faith three years ago? This could be a lot worse.
Xander: Well, need I remind you that Warren was a cold-blooded serial killer of women just getting warmed up. You ask me, I still say the bastard had it coming.
Buffy Summers: Maybe. Andrew and Jonathan don't


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Hush (#4.10)" (1999)
Giles: I need you to take Spike for a few days.
Xander: What?
Spike: What?
Anya: What?
Spike: I'm not stayin' with him.
Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.

Spike: Like I'd bite you anyway.
Xander: Oh, you would.
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist, and delicious.
Spike: All right, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
Xander: And don't you forget it.

[no one can speak; all written or mimed]
Giles: Who are the Gentlemen? They are fairy tale monsters. What do they want?
[Willow points at her chest]
Xander: [cups hands at his chest and mouths] Boobies?
Giles: Hearts. They come to a town. They steal all the voices so no one can scream. Then...
[Giles shows drawings of Gentlemen ripping out the heart from a person in bed]
Giles: They need seven, they have at least two.
Xander: How do we kill them?
[Buffy mimes stabbing, but looks more like masturbating; Giles, Willow and Xander look at Buffy with disturbed faces; Buffy mimes again with a stake; they all look relieved]
Giles: In the tales no sword can kill them.

Xander: How could you say I'm using you?
Anya: You don't care about what I think, you don't ask about my day.
Xander: You really did turn into a real girl, didn't you?
Anya: See? You make jokes during my pain.

Anya: This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
Xander: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Giles: Please don't.

Spike: I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away.
Xander: That's not exactly one of my fantasies, either.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer (2002) (VG)
Xander: Love the outfit, Buff. Zis Boom Bah!
Buffy: Starting to think vamps do too. Cheerleading outfits equal vampire magnets.
Xander: Also known to attract middle-aged men like a backyard bug zapper.

Xander: If I ever get my hands on Spike, I'll make him wish he'd never been born... reborn... unborn! You get the picture!

Buffy: Sorry Xand, but this is strictly a solo Slayer mission. Too many unknowns. Too much we don't understand.
Xander: Like I ever let that stop me before.

Xander: Hello! Demons!

Xander: Demons! Demons everywhere!

Xander: "I don't drink wine," my ass!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Gift (#5.22)" (2001)
Xander: [the gang comes upon an extremely large tower] Shpadoinkle!

Xander: Hey, I happen to be...
Spike: A glorified bricklayer?
Xander: I'm also a swell bowler.
Anya: Has his own shoes.
Spike: The gods themselves do tremble.

Xander: I think we're gonna get through this. I think I'm gonna live a long, and silly life, and I'm not interested in doing that without you around.
Anya: Oh. Okay.
Xander: Okay?
Anya: Yes. I mean, yes. No.
Xander: No?
Anya: After. Give it to me when the world doesn't end.

Xander: Smart chicks are so hot.
Willow: You couldn't have figured that out in tenth grade?

Xander: The glorified bricklayer picks up a spare.

Anya: You're proposing to me 'cause we're gonna die. And-and you think it's romantic and sexy and-and you know you're not gonna have to go through with it 'cause the world's gonna end.
Xander: I'm proposing to you, Anya, because it's not.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: School Hard (#2.3)" (1997)
Rupert Giles: For three nights, the unholy ones scourge themselves into a fury, um, culminating in a savage attack on the Night of St. Vigeous.
Xander Harris: Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night?
Cordelia Chase: You sure don't.

Rupert Giles: [looking at a book] Oh, there you are.
Jenny Calendar: There who is?
Rupert Giles: Our new friend Spike. He's known as William the Bloody. Earned his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes. Very pleasant. Oh, here's some good news: he's barely two hundred. He's not even as old as Angel is. Oh.
Xander Harris: That's a bad look, right?
Rupert Giles: I think your suggestion of running away this Saturday might've been a good one. Spike has fought two Slayers in the last century, and... he's killed them both.

Willow Rosenberg: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her.
Xander Harris: You're bad to the bone.
Willow Rosenberg: I'm a rebel.

Xander Harris: As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine.
Buffy Summers: Are you crazy? What did you say that for? Now something bad is gonna happen.
Xander Harris: What do you mean? Nothing's gonna happen.
Willow Rosenberg: Not until some dummy says, "As long as nothing bad happens."
Buffy Summers: It's the ultimate jinx.
Willow Rosenberg: What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?

[Angel disappears from the room]
Xander Harris: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.

Xander Harris: So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?
Angel: I told you. I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not.
Xander Harris: A-and if he bit me, what then?
Angel: We would've known he bought it.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Potential (#7.12)" (2003)
Xander: They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie, to be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You're not special. You're extraordinary.

Andrew Wells: What's going on?
Anya: Dawn's gonna be a Slayer.
Andrew Wells: Holy crap! Excuse me. Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny.
Xander: Say "Skywalker" and I smack ya.

Xander: Wait, the seers couldn't find out her name or, like, her address or anything? Am I getting the definition of seer wrong?

Xander: Oh, good God, what is that smell?
Anya: Um, fairly sure that's the smell of a hardboiled egg being thrown into a fire.
Xander: Uh-huh.
Willow Rosenberg: The smell will lead us to the Potential.
Xander: Or some poor soul who ate too many chimichangas.

[worried about the blind servants of The First Evil]
Dawn Summers: What if they saw the spell?
Xander: Saw the spell? Dawn, they can't see flashcards. Big ones.

[last lines]
Dawn Summers: What's up?
Xander: Uh, I'm just thinking about the girls. It's a harsh gig, being a potential. Just being picked out of a crowd. Danger, destiny. Plus if you act now, death.
Dawn Summers: They can handle it.
Xander: Yeah. They're special, no doubt. And the amazing thing is, not one of 'em will ever know. Not even Buffy.
Dawn Summers: Know what?
Xander: How much harder it is for the rest of us.
Dawn Summers: No way. They've got...
Xander: Seven years, Dawn. Working with the Slayer. Seeing my friends get more and more powerful. A witch. A demon. Hell, I could fit Oz in my shaving kit, but, come a full moon, he had a wolfy mojo not to be messed with. Powerful. All of them. And I'm the guy who fixes the windows.
Dawn Summers: Well. You had that sexy army training for a while, and the windows really did need fixing.
Xander: I saw what you did last night.
Dawn Summers: Yeah, I... I guess I kinda lost my head when I thought I was the Slayer.
Xander: You thought you were all special. Miss Sunnydale 2003. And the minute you found out you weren't, you handed the crown to Amanda without a moment's pause. You gave her your power.
Dawn Summers: The power wasn't mine.
Xander: They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie. To be the one who isn't chosen. To live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realises because nobody's watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You're not special. You're extraordinary.
[kisses her forehead and starts to leave]
Dawn Summers: Maybe that's your power.
Xander: [turns around] What?
Dawn Summers: Seeing. Knowing.
Xander: [snorts] Maybe it is. Maybe I should get a cape.
Dawn Summers: Cape is good.
Xander: Yeah.
[Xander smiles briefly before walking out of the room, leaving Dawn thoughtful]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: When She Was Bad (#2.1)" (1997)
Willow: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A "bitca"?

Xander: Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at The Bronze tonight?
Willow: Cibo Matto! They're playing?
Xander: [sarcastic] No, Will, they're gonna be clog dancing.
Willow: Cibo Matto can clog dance?
[Xander looks at her]
Willow: Oh, sarcasm, right.

Buffy: [reading] Come to The Bronze before it opens or we make her a meal.
Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? I'll pretend I didn't say that.

Xander: So, we Bronzin' it tonight?
Willow: Wednesdays, kinda beat.
Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.

Angel: We need you to distract the vampires.
Buffy: Right.
Xander: What are you gonna do?
Buffy: I'm gonna kill them all. That oughta distract 'em.

Xander: [to Buffy] If they hurt Willow I'll kill you.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Something Blue (#4.9)" (1999)
[Buffy and Spike are engaged after a spell goes wrong]
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married.
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.

[after Willow's spell, Buffy thinks she and Spike are engaged]
Buffy: I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer. Some kind of natural immunity.
Xander: Yeah, right, you're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
Buffy: Xander!
Spike: That's it, you're off the usher list.

Anya: I'd been dumped, I was miserable. Doing a few vengeance spells - boils on the penis, nothing fancy.
Xander: Please skip ahead.
Anya: Well, D'Hoffryn got wind of me, he offered to elevate me.
Buffy: Meaning?
Anya: They made me a demon.

Xander: Jeez. You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh.
Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her.
Xander: That's sweet.

Xander: Just think of my lips as the Fruit Roll-Ups of Love.
[pauses for a moment]
Xander: Okay, that was gross.

Spike: What are you lookin' at?
Buffy: The man I love.
Xander: Can I be blind, too?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lie to Me (#2.7)" (1997)
Cordelia Chase: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed...
Xander Harris: I think you mean *Oppressed*.
Cordelia Chase: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, 'Let's lose some heads.' Uh. That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake.

Ford: You can't touch me, Summers. I know all your darkest secrets.
Xander Harris: Care to make a small wager on that?

Xander Harris: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with deadboy on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?

Willow Rosenberg: Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone 'wow, that baby is sore'?
Xander Harris: You have too many thoughts.

[when told that vampires are known as the Lonely Ones]
Xander Harris: Oh, we usually call them "the nasty, pointy, bitey ones".

Xander Harris: Angel was in your bedroom?
Willow Rosenberg: Ours is a forbidden love.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Graduation Day: Part 2 (#3.22)" (1999)
Giles: Buffy no longer needs a Watcher. She'll not be working with Wesley from now on.
Cordelia: But he is her Watcher.
Giles: Buffy no longer needs a Watcher.
Cordelia: Well, does he have to leave the country? I mean, you got fired and you still hang around like a big loser. Why can't he?
Xander: Cordelia, we are trying to stop a massacre here. Want to give us a hand?
Cordelia: Sure, this is just such a Buffy thing to do. She is always thinking of herself.

Cordelia: I demand an explanation.
Xander: For what?
Cordelia: Wesley.
Xander: Uh, inbreeding?
Cordelia: So very funny. Any minute I am sure to laugh.

Xander: Here's your coffee, brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid.
Giles: Thank you.
[takes a sip]
Giles: Horrible.
[takes another sip]
Xander: Aren't you supposed to be drinkin' tea, anyway?
Giles: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.
Xander: Okay, but you're destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here.

Xander: [to Angel] Well, it's just good to know that when the chips are down and things look grim, you'll feed off the girl who loves you to save your own ass.

Buffy: You and Xander are gonna have to work together now, can you guys handle that?
Xander: I'm still key guy, right?
Buffy: Right.
Xander: Great. Then Angel, in his non-key-guy capacity, can work with me.
Angel: What fun.
Xander: Hey, key guy still talkin'.

Angel: [about the mayor] Well, he's not crazy about germs.
Cordelia: Of course, that's it. We'll attack him with germs.
Buffy: Great. We'll get him cornered and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No, we'll get a container of Ebola virus and, and, um- Or, it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says Ebola on it and, um, chase him.
[long pause]
Cordelia: With the box.
Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.
Oz: He'll never see it comin'.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Gingerbread (#3.11)" (1999)
[Principal Synder and the police are raiding the students lockers]
Xander: Oh man, it's Nazi Germany. And, I've got Playboys in my locker.

Xander: I'm still spinning on this whole "fairy tales are real" thing.
Oz: So what do we do?
Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans.

Xander: Everyone expects me to mess up again, like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze, that pointed silence.
Buffy: 'Cause he's usually such a chatterbox.
Xander: No, but it's different now. It's more a verbal non-verbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes.

Oz: Take heart, we found your books.
Xander: You can put the heart back. We can't get 'em. They're locked up in City Hall.

Giles: There is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents.
Buffy: And in some language that's English?
Oz: Fairy tales are real.
Buffy: Hans and Gre- Hansel and Gretel?
Xander: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Bread crumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?
Giles: Of course. It makes sense now.
Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.
Giles: Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and-and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by-not by destroying men but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes.
Buffy: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch.
Giles: And then she and, probably, dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history, happened in Salem, not surprisingly.

Oz: [to Willow] I haven't seen you all day. Where you been?
Xander: Not with me. No sir. Ask anyone. No.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Him (#7.6)" (2002)
Xander: Once you get back the soul, doesn't that mean you start, like, picking up your own wet towels off the floor?
Willow: No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there.

Xander: Is there something more emphatic than hate? Can I revile the plan?

Buffy: Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slippin' that jacket on just a little bit.
Xander: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.

Xander: Now, Spike definitely seems a little more cogent, and less "bl-bl-bl-bl-bl."

[after Dawn screwed up at cheerleader audition, in front of her crush RJ. Dawn sobs in the bathroom at home, with Buffy hopelessly trying to talk to her from outside. Xander comes around the corner]
Xander: Things a lot better, I see.
Buffy: I don't think tonight's gonna be good for videos, Xand.
Xander: Right, with the wailing and the crying. Still better than a cozy evening with Spike. Shall I order a pizza? Don't teens in a snit like pizza?
Dawn Summers: [opens the door again] It is not a snit! I-I finally met him - the guy of my dreams, okay? And I blew it! RJ hates me now.
Buffy: Dawn, what is that?
[notices the torn cheerleading clothes on the floor]
Dawn Summers: Just the end of my life.
[walks out]
Xander: [to Buffy] Remember when she used to have a crush on me? I miss the much cuter "me" crush.

Buffy: [noticing RJ at Bronze] I think that's the guy.
Willow: What guy?
Buffy: The one who, according to Dawn, is the, quote: "smartest, funniest, coolest, hottest, and having the thickest boy eyelashes boy in school," and quote.
Xander: He don't seem so tough.
Willow: [noticing the girl RJ dances intimately with] Check out the fan club.
Xander: Daddy like.
Buffy: What's that shirt made of? Paint?
Willow: [realizing] Buff...
Buffy: Glad Dawnie can't see her precious boyfriend getting all thrusty with some slut-bag hussy...
[the girl turns around, revealing herself to be Dawn. Buffy now also realizes and gets a shocked look on her face]
Buffy: Oh.
Xander: Oh. Oh! No! "Daddy..." No, I wasn't... When I was looking, I wasn't... Oh, God.
Willow: Right there with ya.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Innocence (#2.14)" (1998)
Cordelia: This is great. There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined *his* team, the Slayer's a basket case, I'd say we've hit bottom.
Xander: I have a plan.
Cordelia: Oh no, here's a lower place.

[Willow has found out Xander and Cordelia are together]
Xander: I know it's weird...
Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man. It's Cordelia. Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia' club, of which you are the treasurer.
Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.
Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?
Xander: All right, let's overreact, shall we?
Willow: But I'm...
Xander: Willow, we were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.
Willow: No. It just means that you'd rather be with someone you hate than be with me.

[Angelus has just grabbed Willow]
Xander: Don't do that!
Angelus: Oh, I think I do that!
Willow: Angel?
Jenny Calendar: He's not Angel any more. Are you?
Angelus: Wrong. I am Angel... at last!
Xander: Oh, my God.
Angelus: I got a message for Buffy.
[Buffy appears behind Angelus]
Buffy: Why don't you give it to me yourself?
Angelus: Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.

Cordelia: So does looking at guns really make girls wanna have sex? That's scary.
Xander: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Xander: Whoa, whoa! I-I think I'm havin' a thought.
[gasps]
Xander: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought.
[gasps]
Xander: Now I'm havin' a plan.
[the lights go out]
Xander: And now I'm havin' a wiggins.

Cordelia Chase: So does looking at guns really make girls wanna have sex? That's scary.
Xander Harris: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia Chase: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander Harris: I'm 17. Look at Linoleum makes me wanna have sex.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Into the Woods (#5.10)" (2000)
Xander: [to Anya] I've gotta say something, 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do, the way you think, the way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man. I just thought you might wanna know.

Xander: But you missed the point. You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime. He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums? If he's not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn't there, let him go. Break his heart, and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can love this guy... I'm talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need... if you're ready for that... then think about what you're about to lose.

Anya: I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine.
Xander: Anya, play nice.
Anya: You know, fine, take her side instead of mine even though I'm the one who sleeps with you, and feeds you, bathes you...
Willow: [looking disturbed] She bathes you?
Xander: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way. Not in a sponge-bath-y, geriatric sort of...
Rupert Giles: Please. Stop, I beg of you.

Dawn Summers: It's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink.
Xander: No, no, no. That's not - that's not - that's not it at all. They just need time to, um, be tender. Relax.
Anya: He's not very convincing, is he?

Dawn Summers: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling I'm the slayer! I'm going to get you!
Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred. You'll end up badly.
Dawn Summers: No, it was great. I mean, she didn't actually stake me in the heart, you know.
Xander: Buffy's pretty cool like that.

Buffy: [Riley] I thought he was dependable.
Xander: Dependable. What is he, State Farm?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Reptile Boy (#2.5)" (1997)
[first lines; they're watching television]
Xander Harris: Is she dying?
Buffy: I think she's singing.
Xander Harris: To a telephone in Hindi. Now that's entertainment. Why is she singing?
Willow Rosenberg: She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins. But then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have nowhere to put their big maple... fish thing.
Xander Harris: Uh-huh. Why is she singing?
Buffy: Her lover? I thought that was her chiropractor?
Willow Rosenberg: Because of that thing he did with her feet? No. That was personal.

Xander Harris: So, Cor, you're datin' college guys, now?
Cordelia Chase: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I happen to be dating a Delta Zeta Kappa.
Xander Harris: Oh, an extra-terrestrial. So that's how you get a date after you exhausted all the human guys.

Buffy: Well, say it.
Xander Harris: I'm not gonna say it.
Willow Rosenberg: You lied to Giles.
Xander Harris: 'Cause she will.

Xander Harris: So, Cor, you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or just goin' with a halter-top tonight?

[Angel is walking up to the table from behind Xander]
Xander Harris: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?
[Angel reaches Xander's side; nonchalantly]
Xander Harris: Hey, man, how ya doin'?
Angel: Buffy.
Buffy: Angel.
Xander Harris: Xander.
Angel: I hear this place, uh, serves coffee. I thought maybe you and I should get some. Sometime. If you want.
Buffy: Yeah. Sometime. I'll let you know.

Xander Harris: And we thought just because we didn't have any money or any place to go, this'd be a lackluster evening.
Willow Rosenberg: I know. We could go to The Bronze and sneak in our own teabags and ask for hot water.
Xander Harris: Hop off the outlaw train, Wil, before you land us all in jail.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (#2.16)" (1998)
Xander: It's time for me to act like a man... and hide!

Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: Really? It doesn't say "spare me" by any chance?
Drusilla: Shhh... How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?

Xander: When are you guys gonna stop makin' fun of me for dating Cordelia?
Buffy: I'm sorry, but never.

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake through the heart, no muss, no fuss.

Rupert Giles: I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like this.
Xander: Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do somethin' like this.

Xander: Amy! Good to see you! You're a witch!
Amy: No, I'm not! That-that was my mom, remember?
Xander: Yeah, I'm thinking it runs in the family. I saw you working that mojo on Miss Beakman. Maybe I should go tell somebody about that.
Amy: Wha- that's not even- That is so mean!
Xander: Blackmail is such an ugly word.
Amy: I didn't say blackmail.
Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Harvest (#1.2)" (1997)
Giles: You have no idea where they took Jesse?
Buffy Summers: I looked around, but soon as they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom!
Alexander "Xander" Harris: They can fly?
Buffy Summers: They can drive.

Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good.

Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, "Uh-oh, pop quiz." Today, it's "rain of toads."

Giles: We're at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may, in fact, stand between the Earth and its total destruction.
Buffy Summers: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
Willow Rosenberg: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
Buffy Summers: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like excessive not studying.
Giles: The Earth is doomed.

Rupert Giles: This world is older than any of you know. Contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons demons walked the Earth. They made it their home, their... their Hell. But in time they lost their purchase on this reality. The way was made for mortal animals, for, for man. All that remains of the old ones are vestiges, certain magicks, certain creatures.
Buffy Summers: And vampires.
Alexander "Xander" Harris: Okay, this is where I have a problem. See, because we're talking about vampires. We're having a talk - with vampires in it.
Willow Rosenberg: Isn't that what we saw last night?

Jesse McNally: [after being turned into a vampire] Sorry? I feel good, Xander! I feel strong! I'm connected, man, to everything! I, I can hear the worms in the earth!
Alexander "Xander" Harris: That's a plus.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bargaining: Part 2 (#6.2)" (2001)
Xander: Oh, no.
Willow: What?
Xander: No. How could we - So *stupid*!
Willow: Xander!
Xander: Our spell. Our resurrection spell worked like a magic charm. We brought you back to life, Buffy. Right where we left her.
Willow: Oh, God.
Xander: In her coffin.

Willow: Where's Dawn and Spike?
Tara Maclay: We've been calling the house, but...
Xander: Maybe they're on their way here. I mean, this place is NORAD when we're at DEFCON 1.
[all the girls stare at him]
Xander: Okay, I so need male friends.

Willow: [Xander is swatting at a light that Tara sent] Xander, it's not a bug. It's Tara. Come on.
Xander: And how long have you known that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?

Xander: Demons. Ah, well, there's something you don't see every day. Unless you're us.

Mag: Big axe you got there.
Xander: The better to cut you down to size, Grandma.

Mag: So, you got a witch in the mix.
Tara Maclay: More than one.
Xander: I happen to be a very powerful man-witch myself.
[the demons looks at him]
Xander: Or... male...
[looks at Willow]
Xander: Is it a warlock?
[Willow nods frantically]
Xander: Warlock.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Choices (#3.19)" (1999)
Xander Harris: We Bohemian anti-establishment types have always been persecuted.
Oz: Well, sure. You're all so weird.

Xander Harris: [to Cordelia] Hey, d'you hear about Willow getting into Oxnard?
Willow: Oxford.
Xander Harris: ...And M.I.T., and Yale, and every other college on the face of the planet? As in your face I rub it.

Xander Harris: Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance?
Cordelia Chase: None of your business. Certainly nowhere near you losers.
Buffy Summers: Okay, you guys. Don't forget to breathe between insults.
Cordelia Chase: I'm sorry, Buffy. This conversation is reserved for those who actually have a future.

Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander Harris: But, oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.

Xander Harris: I have a theory. Your snide remarks earlier? I'm guessing grapes a little on the sour side. Didn't get into any schools, did ya? The grades were there, but ooh, if it weren't for that pesky interview. Ten minutes with you and the Admissions Department decided that they'd already reached their mean-spirited superficial princess quotas.
Cordelia Chase: And once again, the gold medal in the Being Wrong event goes to Xander "I'm as stupid as I look" Harris.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Out of Mind, Out of Sight (#1.11)" (1997)
Willow: [looking at Marcie Ross' yearbook] 'Have a nice summer', 'Have a nice summer'. This girl had no friends at all.
Giles: Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap.
Buffy: 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say.
Xander: It's the kiss of death.

Xander: Do you wanna come to our place tonight for dinner? Mom's makin' her famous phone call to the Chinese place.
Willow: Xander, do you guys even *have* a stove?

Giles: I'd have to say you're right.
Buffy: I love it when he says that! Any theories?
Giles: Uh, I'm, uh, it's a bit of a puzzle, really. Um, I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.
Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat.
[no response from the others]
Xander: I'm alone with that one, huh?

Cordelia: Somebody is after me! They just tried to kill Ms. Miller? Uh, she was helping me with my homework. And Mitch! And Harmony? This is all about me! Me, me, me!
Xander: Wow! For once she's right!
Buffy: So you've come to *me* for help.
Cordelia: [nods] Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons... I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.

Giles: It must be a fairly heady experience, having that ability.
Willow: How'd she get it? Is she a witch? 'Cause we can fight a witch.
Xander: Hmm. Greek myths speak of cloaks of invisibility, but they're usually for the gods.
[Gets looks from everyone]
Xander: Research Boy comes through with the knowledge!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Killed by Death (#2.18)" (1998)
[Buffy accidently attacks Xander, and Xander jumps back]
Xander: Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes. I gotta get me a life.

Xander: Flowers for m'lady.
Buffy Summers: I think they call those balloons.
Xander: Yeah, stick 'em in water. Maybe they'll grow.

Xander: Finding out who this thing is takes priority. Cordy, you should go with Giles.
Giles: Why do I have to have...
[at look from her]
Giles: Erm, good thinking.

Angelus: If I decide to walk into Buffy's room do you even believe for a micro-second that you can stop me?
Xander: Maybe not, maybe that security guard couldn't either, or those cops or the orderlies, but I'm kind of curious to find out. You game?
Angelus: Buffy's white knight. You still love her.
[leans toward Xander's ear]
Angelus: It must eat you up that I got there first.
Xander: You're gonna die, and I'm gonna there.
Angelus: Tell her I stopped by.

Xander Harris: You don't know how to kill this thing.
Buffy Summers: I thought I might try violence.
Xander Harris: Solid call.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Gone (#6.11)" (2002)
Xander: [Buffy is invisible] Sorry! Her clothes are, uh, invisible, too. Buffy, how did this hap- wait a sec, have you been feeling ignored lately?
Buffy: Yeah, ignored. I wish. No, this isn't a Marcie deal. I don't know what happened. I left Main Street after getting my hair cut, and was...
Anya: You cut your hair?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Anya: Really? How short?
Buffy: Um, about up to here. Well-well, if you could see my hand, it's kind of above my shoulders.
Anya: Ahh, that sounds so adorable! I was thinking about getting my hair cut before the wedding...
Xander: Can we get back to freaking out about no-show Buffy? This is serious.

Xander: Good Godfrey Cambridge, Spike! You still trying to mack on Buffy? Wake up already. Never gonna happen. Only a complete loser would ever hook up with you. Well, unless she's a simpleton like Harmony or a - or a nut sack like Druscilla...

Xander: [as Xander walks in on Spike and invisible Buffy] Spike? What are you doing?
Spike: What am I-... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I?
[starts doing "push-ups"]
Xander: Exercising? Naked? In bed?
Spike: A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. You gotta keep fit for killing.
Xander: Ya-huh.

Xander: So, what have we found out so far?
Willow Rosenberg: Take a look at that! Something sped outta here pretty damn quick to make that kind of a tread mark.
Xander: This could have been made any time.
Willow Rosenberg: Yeah, but this wasn't.
[Willow gives Xander a little bottle]
Xander: What is it?
Willow Rosenberg: Paint that I scraped off the fire hydrant.
Xander: What fire hydrant?
[clashes his foot at something solid]
Xander: OW!
Willow Rosenberg: That one.

Xander: Hey, Buffy. Where... where are you?
Buffy: At table four, apparently.
Anya: Well, that remains to be seen, like you.
Buffy: Don't strain yourself looking, Xander. I'm Invisible Girl.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Harsh Light of Day (#4.3)" (1999)
Xander Harris: I don't get your crazy system.
Rupert Giles: System? It's called the alphabet.
Xander Harris: Huh. Would ya look at that.

Anya: At which point, the matter is brought to a conclusion with both parties satisfied and able to move on with their separate lives and interests. To sum up, I think it's a workable plan.
Xander Harris: So, the crux of this plan is...
Anya: Sexual intercourse. I've said it like a dozen times.
Xander Harris: Uh-huh. Just working through a little hysterical deafness here.

[Anya has offered Xander sex]
Anya: I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively. I'm thinking face-to-face for the event itself.
Xander Harris: Ah, right. It's just we hardly know each other. I mean, I like you. And you have a certain directness that I admire. But sexual interc - What you're talking about, well - and I'm actually turning into a woman as I say this - but it's about expressing something. And accepting consequences.
Anya: Oh, I have condoms. Some are black.
Xander Harris: That's... that's very considerate.

Anya: I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
Xander Harris: And the amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith.

Xander Harris: Whoa, Glies has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV. He's shallow like us.
Oz: I gotta admit, I'm a little disappointed.
Rupert Giles: I, ah, uh, uh...
Willow: Well, maybe it doesn't work. I-it's like art.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Witch (#1.3)" (1997)
Xander Harris: For I am Xander, King of cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.

Xander Harris: We're right behind you, only further back.

Buffy: You guys don't have to get involved.
Xander Harris: What do you mean? We're a team. Aren't we a team?
Willow Rosenberg: Yeah, you're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes.

Xander Harris: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

Xander Harris: This is the Invisible Man Syndrome. A blessing in Cordelia's case, a curse in Buffy's.
Willow Rosenberg: You're not invisible to Buffy.
Xander Harris: It's worse. I'm just a part of the scenery, like an old shoe, or a rug that you walk on every day, but don't even really see it.
Willow Rosenberg: Like a pen that's all chewed up, and you know you should throw it away, but you don't. Not 'cause you like it so much, more 'cause you're just used to...
Xander Harris: Well, yeah, that is the point. You don't have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Faith, Hope & Trick (#3.3)" (1998)
Willow: And over here, we have the cafeteria, where we were mauled by snakes.
Xander: And this is the spot where, uh, Angel tried to kill Willow.
Willow: Oh, and over there in the lounge is where Spike and his gang nearly massacred us all on Parent-Teacher night.
[Faith chuckles]
Willow: Oh, and-and up those stairs, I was sucked into a muddy grave.
Xander: And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid.

Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too couply around Buffy. She's still keeping to herself and brooding, refusing to talk to us.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how Angel, the only guy that ever liked her, turned into a vicious killer and she had to put him down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell or what?
Oz: Alright, prepare to uncouple... Uncouple.
[both couples separate]

Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.

Buffy: I just wanna get my life back, you know? Do normal stuff.
Willow: Like date?
Buffy: Well...
Xander: Aw, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.
[Xander starts chuckling and Buffy punches him on the arm]
Xander: [still kind of chuckling] Ow.
Buffy: Alright... yes, date, and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff.

Faith: This whole summer was a heat wave. The worst in years. So, it's about 118 degrees at night and I'm sleeping without a stitch on and all of a sudden I hear screaming from outside. I tear outside, stark nude, armed with my wooden stake and I see this church bus has broke down outside my apartment building and there are these three vamps feasting on half the Baptist clergy in my hometown of South Boston. So, I waste the vamps in less then a minute and the head preacher comes out of the bus and he thanks me for saving his life. He's literally hugging me like there's no tomorrow, when all of a sudden the cops pulled up and arrested us both.
Xander: Wow. They should film that story and show it on cable TV every Christmas.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Intervention (#5.18)" (2001)
[Buffy runs into the gang with the Buffy Bot]
Xander: Hey, I know this. They're both Buffy.
Buffy: No. She's a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made. You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?

Xander: Buffy's gone insane.
Willow Rosenberg: What? What'd she do?
Xander: Brace yourself. You're not gonna believe it.
Tara: Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I-I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night.
Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.
Willow Rosenberg: Oh. Well, Tara-Tara's right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn't judge...
Tara: What, are you kidding? She's nuts.

Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike, but I'm starting to think that you might be.

Anya: Sometimes, in the movies, when they go crazy, they slap 'em.
Xander: I'm gonna go find her and talk to her. If she's losing it, we gotta help her before she gets herself hurt.
Tara: You aren't really gonna slap her, are you?
Xander: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again I will definitely knock myself unconscious.

Spike: [about Buffy] She's upset about her mum. And if she turns to me for comfort, well, I'm not gonna deny it to her. I'm not a monster.
Xander: Yes! You are a monster. Vampires are monsters! They make monster movies about them!
Spike: Well, yeah. You got me there.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Help (#7.4)" (2002)
Willow Rosenberg: [to Buffy] Have you Googled her yet?
Xander Harris: Willow, she's seventeen!
Willow Rosenberg: It's a search engine.

Xander Harris: "From beneath you, it devours." It's not the friendliest jingle, is it? It's no "I like Ike" or "Milk: It does a body good."

Xander Harris: Figuring out how to control your magic seems a lot like hammering a nail. Well, uh, hear me out. So you're hammering, right? If you hold the end of the hammer, you have the power, but no control. It takes, like, two strokes to hit the nail in, or you could hit your thumb.
Willow Rosenberg: Ouch.
Xander Harris: So you choke up. Control, but no power. It could take, like, ten strokes to knock the nail in. Power, control. It's a tradeoff.
Willow Rosenberg: That's actually not a bad analogy.
Xander Harris: Thanks.
Willow Rosenberg: Except I'm less worried about hitting my thumb, and more worried about going all black-eyed baddy and bewitching that hammer into cracking my friends' skulls open like coconuts.
Xander Harris: Right. Ouch.

Xander Harris: Poems. Always a sign of pretentious inner turmoil.

Buffy Summers: Buffy the Vampire Slayer would break down this door.
Xander Harris: And Buffy the Counselor?
Buffy Summers: Waits.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Pack (#1.6)" (1997)
Xander: Well, every school has 'em. See, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards, and some mean kids.

Xander: Why don't you pick on someone your own species?

Xander: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you. Very exciting.
Willow: It was like the Heimlich, with stripes!

Xander: Girls!
Buffy: Boy!

Buffy: Okay, now what?
Xander: You took a bath.
Buffy: Yeah, I-I often do, I'm actually known for it.
Xander: That's okay.
Buffy: And the weird behavior award goes to...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Doppelgangland (#3.16)" (1999)
Willow: [Giles, Willow, Xander and Buffy in the library discussing vamp Willow] This is creepy. I don't like the thought that there's a vampire out there that looks like me.
Xander: Not looks like... is.
Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh, yeah.
[Giles raises his hand]
Angel: [rushing in] Buffy, I... Something's happened that... Willow's dead.
[no-one looks surprised]
Angel: [Angel sees Willow] Hey, Willow.
[takes another look at her]
Angel: Wait a second.
Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.
Buffy: We saw her too, at the Bronze.
Angel: Okay. Uh, she's there now with a cadre of vampires looking to party.
Buffy: We can figure out who she is after we stop the feeding frenzy.

Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?
Willow: Uh-huh.
Buffy: See? I told you. Old Reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks.
Buffy: What?
Willow: Old Reliable? Yeah, great, there's a sexy nickname.
Buffy: Well, I-I didn't mean it as...
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm Old Reliable.
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that-that the guy had to shoot...
Willow: That's Old Yeller!
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.

Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
Xander: Will, we saw you at The Bronze. A vampire.
Willow: I'm not a vampire.
Buffy: You are. I-I mean you-you were. Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: Well, uh... something... something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?

Buffy: It was exactly you, Wil, every detail. Except for you're not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: Oh right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?

Xander: Will, we saw you. At the bronze. A vampire.
Willow: [defensive] I'm not a vampire.
Buffy: But you are, I mean you were... Giles, you planning to step in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: [not a clue] Well, something... something very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher council let this guy go?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Anne (#3.1)" (1998)
Xander Harris: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
Xander Harris: That's right, he was!
[shouts]
Xander Harris: Cheater!

Xander Harris: I can't wait to see Cordelia. I can't believe I can't wait to see Cordelia.
Willow Rosenberg: I wonder what our first homework assignment's gonna be.
[Xander raises his eyebrows at her]
Willow Rosenberg: Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues.

Oz: Oh, I don't know. I think we're kinda gettin' a rhythm down.
Xander Harris: We're losing half the vamps.
Oz: Yeah, but... rhythmically.

Xander Harris: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity.
Cordelia Chase: What's the plan?
Xander Harris: The vampire attacks you.
Cordelia Chase: And then what?
Xander Harris: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: This Year's Girl (#4.15)" (2000)
[Xander is examining an Initiative taser rifle]
Xander: So. Here it is. The latest in state-of-the-art combat technology. I gotta say it doesn't look that complicated.
Buffy: So can you repair it?
Xander: Sure. Just as soon as I get my Master's degree in advanced starship technology.
Willow: Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens.
Giles: Uh, I'd like to veto that.
Xander: Second. It's called a blaster, Will. A word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called "the orgasminator", I'd be the first to try your basic button-press approach.

[discussing an eviscerated demon they found in the woods]
Buffy: I've never seen anything like that.
Xander: And I can go a long healthy stretch without seeing anything like that again.
Willow: It had to be Adam who killed it. But why?
Buffy: He's studying biology. Human, demon, whatever he can get his hands on and tear apart.
Willow: Wondering what makes things work.
Xander: I really don't wanna be around for the final exam.
Buffy: It's not coming to that. The Initiative created this thing and they can't stop it. But we will.
Xander: Question. Will hiding in a cabin with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?
Buffy: No.
Xander: [to Willow] Told you.

[in a dark alley]
Xander: Spike.
Giles: What are you doing here?
Spike: Me? Hey, I'm not the one out of place here.
Xander: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue Slayer on our hands. Real psycho-killer, too.
Spike: [faux concerned] Sounds serious.
Giles: It is. What do you know?
Spike: [faux helpfully] What do you need?
Xander: Her. Dark hair, yea tall. Name of Faith. Criminally insane.
Giles: Have you seen her?
Spike: [faux frown] Is this bird after you?
Xander: In a bad way. Yeah.
Spike: Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you.
[Grins. Giles and Xander stare at him, speechless. Spike rolls his eyes and sighs]
Spike: Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening'd be dull.
[starts to leave, deliberately bumping into Xander's shoulder]
Xander: Go ahead! You wouldn't even recognize her!
Spike: [faces them, walking backwards] Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith. Criminally insane. I like this girl already.
Xander: [to Giles] We're dumb.

Giles: [after Buffy hung up the phone] What is it?
Buffy: It's Faith. She's awake. She beat someone up, took her clothing and disappeared out of the hospital. No one knows where she is.
Xander: I'd say this qualifies for a "worse timing ever" award.
Willow: What do we do?
Giles: Well, we have to find her.
Willow: What about Adam?
Xander: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic.
Buffy: Well, Faith's not exactly low-profile girl. I'll patrol and wait for her to make a move.
Giles: And then what?
Willow: Oh! I have an idea. Beat the crap out of her.
[grins]
Xander: Good plan!
Buffy: Good on paper. But we still have a decision to make. Do we hand her over to the cops? They wouldn't know what to do with a Slayer even if they knew we existed.
Willow: What about the Council?
Xander: Been there. Tried that. Not unlike smothering a forest fire with napalm, as I recall.
Giles: Well, the Initiative, they do have, uh, containment facilities.
Xander: One word: evil.
Buffy: There's no way around it. Faith is back and, whether I like it or not, she's my responsibility.
Willow: Yeah, too bad. That was the funnest coma ever.
Buffy: We have no idea where she is. We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling.
Xander: [spitefully] Who she's doing.
Buffy: She could be terrified. Maybe she doesn't even remember? Or-or maybe she does and-and she's sorry and she's alone, hiding somewhere?
Giles: Uh, perhaps there's some form of, uh, rehabilitation we just haven't thought about?
Willow: And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid Plan B.
Buffy: I'm not gonna rule it out. First thing, we need to find her. Then we can take it from there.
Riley: [having listened to all this in bewilderment] Who's Faith?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I, Robot... You, Jane (#1.8)" (1997)
Xander Harris: I mean, sure he says he's a high school student, but I can say I'm a high school student.
Buffy: You are.
Xander Harris: Okay, but I can also say that I'm an elderly Dutch woman. Get me? I mean, who's to say I'm not if I'm in the elderly Dutch chat room?
Buffy: I get your point. I get your point! Oh, this guy could be anybody. He could be weird, or crazy, or old, or... he could be a circus freak. He's probably a circus freak!
Xander Harris: Yeah, I mean, we read about it all the time. Y'know, people meet on the net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show, horrible ax murder.
Buffy: Willow, ax murdered, by a circus freak... Okay, okay, what do we do?

Jenny Calendar: You here again? You kids really dig the library, don't ya?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander Harris: To read makes our speaking English good.

Willow Rosenberg: Xander, you wanna stay and help me?
Xander Harris: Are you kidding?
Willow Rosenberg: Yes, it was a joke I made up.

[last lines]
Willow Rosenberg: The one boy who truly liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?
Buffy Summers: That doesn't say anything about you.
Willow Rosenberg: I really thought I was really falling...
Buffy Summers: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I moved here turned out to be a vampire.
Xander Harris: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis.
Willow Rosenberg: [smiling] That's true.
Xander Harris: Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth.
Buffy Summers: Let's face it. None of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
Xander Harris: We're doomed!
Buffy Summers: Yeah!
[the three of them laugh half-heartedly, but eventually stop, wondering if that is actually true]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Doomed (#4.11)" (2000)
Xander: [Upon finding Spike trying to stake himself] We've shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
Willow: Xander.
Xander: What? He wants to die, I wanna help...
Willow: It's ooky. We know him. We can't just let him poof himself.
Spike: Oh, but you can. You know I'd drain you drier than the Sahara if I had half a chance.

Giles: It's the end of the world.
Buffy, Willow, Xander: Again?

Xander: Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're lookin' for, we're facing an apocalypse.
Spike: [excitedly] Really! You're not just sayin' that?

Xander: I hate to break it to you, O Impotent One, but you're not the "Big Bad" anymore. You're not even the "Kind of Naughty". You're nothing but a waste of space. My space. And as much as I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny, white bum, and as much as I know I can give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I'm here to tell you something: You're not even worth it.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Becoming: Part 2 (#2.22)" (1998)
Xander Harris: Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here.

Rupert Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.
Xander Harris: Then why would they make you see me?
Rupert Giles: Oh, right. Let's go.

Willow Rosenberg: I think the spell worked. I felt something go through me.
Cordelia: Plus the orb did that cool glow thing.
Xander Harris: Well, maybe it wasn't in time. Maybe she had to kill him before the cure could work.
Oz: Then she'd wanna be alone, I guess.
Willow Rosenberg: Or maybe Angel *was* saved and they wanna be alone together.
Rupert Giles: Perhaps.
Cordelia: Well, she's gotta show up sooner or later. We still have school.
Willow Rosenberg: Yeah.
[looks around hopefully]
Willow Rosenberg: She'll be here in a while.
[the gang parts ways. Camera pans to Buffy looking on sadly, then onto a bus and her leaving town]

Willow Rosenberg: The curse. We never got to finish it. Maybe we can restore Angel's soul.
Xander Harris: I don't like it. You're talking about messing with powerful magic, and you're weak.
Willow Rosenberg: I'm okay.
Xander Harris: You don't look okay. Does she?
Cordelia: You should listen to him. The hair, it's so flat, and the lips...
Xander Harris: Could we stay on topic here, honey?
Cordelia: What?
Xander Harris: Look, it's not a good idea.
Willow Rosenberg: There's no use arguing with me. Do you see my resolve face? You've seen it before, you know what it means.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Helpless (#3.12)" (1999)
Xander Harris: We're still talkin' party, right? I mean, some of us still love to relish celebrating in the birth of the Buff.
Buffy: I dunno. I think it might be time to put a moratorium on parties in my honor. They tend to go badly. Monsters crash. People die.

Xander Harris: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um,
[clears throat]
Xander Harris: Slayer kryptonite.
Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
Xander Harris: You're assuming I meant the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers.
Oz: [thinks] Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird...
Buffy: [impatiently] Guys? Reality?

Buffy: [straining with peanut butter jar] Just feel better when I get my strength back.
Xander Harris: Give ya a hand with that little lady?
Buffy: [passes Xander jar] You're loving this far too much.
Xander Harris: Admit it, sometimes you just need a big strong man.
[can't undo lid, screen fades to black]
Xander Harris: Uh, Wil, give me a hand with that?

Xander Harris: An ice show. A show performed on ice. And how old are we, again?
Willow Rosenberg: I saw "Snoopy on Ice" once when I was little. My dad took me backstage and I got scared and threw up on Woodstock.
Buffy: I know you all think it's just a big, dumb, girly thing, but it's not. Some of the skaters are Olympic medal winners and my dad buys me cotton candy, a different stuffed animal wearing fuzzy skates every year and okay it is a big, dumb, girly thing, but I love it.
Oz: Not so girly. Ice is cool. It's water. But it's not.
Willow Rosenberg: I think it's sweet you and your dad have a tradition, 'specially now that he's not around so much. Ixnay on the caramel corn if you're goin' backstage...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Body (#5.16)" (2001)
Anya: I wish that Joyce didn't die. Because she was nice and now we all hurt.
Xander: Anya, ever the wordsmith.
Buffy: Thank you.

Dawn: Um, guys, hello, puberty? Sort of figured out the whole no-Santa thing.
Anya: That's a myth.
Dawn: Yeah.
Anya: No, I mean, it's a myth *that* it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
Xander: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
Tara: There's a Santa Claus?
Anya: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney, all true.
Dawn: All true?
Anya: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise...
Tara: The reindeer part was nice.

Anya: Are they gonna cut the body open?
Willow: Oh my God! Would you just... stop talking? Just... shut your mouth. Please.
Anya: What am I doing?
Willow: How can you act like that?
Anya: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? I mean, is that the helpful thing to do?
Xander: Guys...
Willow: The way you behave...
Anya: Nobody will tell me.
Willow: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things.
Anya: But I don't understand.
[begins to cry]
Anya: I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's- There's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And-and Xander's crying and not talking, and-and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.

Joyce: I think we're just about ready for pie.
Xander: Then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.
Buffy: Xander!
Dawn: Gross.
Xander: No, no, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good, and too much goodness...
Joyce: I'm taking it as a compliment.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bargaining: Part 1 (#6.1)" (2001)
Willow: And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.
Buffybot: Ooh! Who's there?
Xander: You know, if we want her to be exactly...
Spike: [interrupting] She'll never be exactly.
Xander: I know.
Tara: The only really real Buffy is really Buffy.
Giles: And she's gone.
Buffybot: We want her to be exactly she'll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she's gone who?

Xander: Excuse me? Who made you the boss of the group?
Anya: You did.
Tara: You said Willow should be boss.
Anya: And then you said "let's vote," and it was unanimous...
Tara: And then you made her this little plaque, that said "Boss of Us", you put little sparkles on it...
Xander: Valid points, all. But we... I mean...

Xander: [stepping into the kitchen] House of chicks, relax. I am a man, and I have a tool.
[everybody stares at him]
Xander: Tools. Lots of plural tools. In my, uh, toolbox.

Xander: [sees Anya and Giles slapping at each other like kids] Okay, when *I'm* marvelling at the immaturity... be scared.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Selfless (#7.5)" (2002)
Xander: You think we haven't all seen this before? The part where you just cut us all out? Just step away from everything human and act like you're the law? If you knew what I felt...
Buffy: I killed Angel. Do you even remember that? I would've given up everything I had to be with - I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life and I put a sword through his heart because I had to.
Willow: And that all worked out okay.
Buffy: Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you? Do you remember giving me Willow's message? 'Kick his ass'?
Willow: I never said that...
Xander: [cutting Willow off] This is different.
Buffy: It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point someone has to draw the line and that is always going to be me. You... you get down on me for cutting myself off, but, in the end, the Slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guide book, no all knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.
Xander: There has to be another way.
Buffy: Then please find it.

Xander: You don't understand. This isn't an intervention. Buffy's coming to kill you.
Anya: [grim tone] She's coming to try.
Xander: Did everybody have their crazy flakes today?

Buffy: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Xander: Hopes? Oh, no, no, no, no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single. I'm a strong, successful male who's giddy at the thought of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future.
Buffy: Strong, successful males say "giddy"?

[after D'Hoffryn has Halfrek killed instead of Anya to restore the lives of her victims]
D'Hoffryn: [hard and angry tone] Who did you think you were dealing with? Did you think it would be that easy to get away?
Anya: Why?
D'Hoffryn: Why? Because you WISHED IT!
Anya: But she was yours.
D'Hoffryn: The way you were mine? Haven't I tough you anything... Anya? Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain!
[Xander angrily is about to rush at D'Hoffryn when Buffy is trying to restrain him from doing so]
Xander: Why you son of a...
Buffy: Xander, no!
D'Hoffryn: [to Buffy] Hold him back, Slayer! Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Flooded (#6.4)" (2001)
Dawn: [about M'Fashnik demon] I'm guessing on how you say it. It's got an apostrophe. I think it's MmmFashnik. Like "Mmm... cookies!".
Xander: Or maybe, Muh-Fashnik. Like Muh... Fashnik.

[the basement is flooded]
Tara Maclay: H-How's everything looking down there?
Xander: Like we should start gathering up two of every animal.

Xander: That's it. It's been four hours. I'm callin' it people. This coffee table, it's gone. Damnit!

Anya: If you wanna pay e-every bill here, and every bill coming, and have enough to start a nice college fund for Dawn, start charging.
Buffy: For what?
Anya: Slaying vampires. I mean, you're providing a valuable service to the whole community. I say cash in!
Buffy: Well, that's an idea... *you* would have. Any other suggestions?
Anya: Well, I mean, it's-it's not *so* crazy.
Dawn: Yes it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives.
Anya: Spider-Man does.
Dawn: He does not.
Anya: Does too!
Dawn: Does no- Xander?
Xander: Action is his reward.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Weight of the World (#5.21)" (2001)
Doc: What can I do for you boys? Want some cocoa?
Spike: No. We need information. We need...
Xander: Ben's Glory!
Doc: Who's what?
Spike: Look at this. Special Ed remembers.
Xander: Yeah. I do. Ben's Glory, and Glory's Ben. It's like this fog's liftin'.
Spike: Wonderful. But not why we're here.

Xander: How you doin'?
Rupert Giles: It only hurts when I answer pointless questions.

Willow Rosenberg: We should move her. Unless we shouldn't. Should we?
Anya: Wouldn't that make it worse? I think I read that somewhere.
Xander: I am so large with not knowing.

Xander: Did you know that... Ben is Glory?
Buffy Summers: So I'm told. What do we know?
Rupert Giles: Um, well, uh, according to these scrolls, uh, it's possible for Glory to be stopped. I-I'm afraid it's, um, well, Buffy, I've read these things very carefully and there's not much... margin for error. You understand what I'm saying?
Buffy Summers: Might help if you actually said it.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Freshman (#4.1)" (1999)
Xander Harris: You up for a little reconnaissance?
Buffy: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
Xander Harris: No, that was the Renaissance.
Buffy: Oh. I've had a really long week.

Xander Harris: Do we hug?
Oz: I think we're too manly.

Xander Harris: Some friends of Buffy's played a funny joke and they took her stuff. And now she wants us to help get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans.

Xander: Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger... no, wait... Fear leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side... Hold on... no, um... first you get the women, then you get the money, then you- Okay, can we forget that?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Checkpoint (#5.12)" (2001)
Buffy: You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning.
Nigel: This is beyond insolence...
[Buffy throws a sword at him]
Buffy: I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions.
Xander: That was excellent.

[about the Watchers Council]
Xander: Yeah, don't they have phones?
[attempts a British accent]
Xander: "'Allo, Buffy. Here's some stuff we know. Pip pip."

Tara: Why doesn't Mr. Giles put them all out of here?
Xander: Because if they deport him, they're not just destroying his career, they're condemning the man to a lifetime diet of blood sausage, bangers and mash.

Quentin Travers: The boy? No power there.
Buffy: "The boy" has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit.
Willow: That's Riley-speak.
Xander: [proudly] I've clocked field time.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Grave (#6.22)" (2002)
Willow: Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me you love me?
Xander: Well, I was gonna walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kind of cartoony.

Xander: The first day of kindergarten you cried because you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far; ending the world, not a terrific notion, but the thing is, yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow, and I love scary, veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. You wanna kill the world, well then start with me. I've earned that.

Dawn Summers: Where are we going?
Xander: I have no idea.
Dawn Summers: What?
Xander: I don't know, okay? I can't even run away well, and that's something I'm ususally good at.
Dawn Summers: Maybe we should go back and help.
Xander: Yeah, 'cause I've been such big help already.Standing around like a monkey while Buffy gets shot. Tara's dead and Willow's... losing...
Dawn Summers: Yeah, well feeling sorry for yourself isn't helping either, Xander, okay?
[smug tone]
Dawn Summers: You know, if Spike were here, he'd go back and fight.
Xander: Sure, if he wasn't too busy trying to rape your sister.
Dawn Summers: [stunned] What?
Xander: Forget it.
Dawn Summers: I don't believe you.
Xander: Fine.
Dawn Summers: He wouldn't do that.
Xander: Is this blind spot like a genetic trait with the Summers women? The only useful thing Spike ever did was finally leave town.

Willow: [coldly] You can't stop this.
Xander: Yeah. I get that. It's just, where else am I gonna go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end, where else would I wanna be?
Willow: Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me you love me?
Xander: Well, I was gonna walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony.
Willow: Still making jokes.
Xander: Well, I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. And I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid. And, hey, I still wanna hang! You're Willow.
Willow: [angrily] Don't call me that!
Xander: The first day of kindergarten, you cried because you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far. Ending the world - not a terrific notion... But the thing is... yeah, I love you. I love crayon-breaky Willow and I love scary, veiny Willow. So if I'm goin' out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world, well, then start with me. I've earned that.
Willow: You think I won't?
Xander: It doesn't matter. I'll still love you.
Willow: Shut up!
[casts a spell on him, so he bleeds from his cheek]
Xander: I love you.
[Willow casts another spell on him, making him fall over from pain and bleed from other parts of his body as well]
Xander: I... love you.
Willow: [frantically] Shut up!
[casts a spell again, but hits him weakly, with her power obviously draining from her body]
Xander: I love you, Willow.
Willow: [starts to cry] Stop!
[tries to cast another spell, but fails]
Xander: I love you!
Willow: [now sulking] Stop!
[Xander comes towards her, and she starts hitting him all over his body, but falls on her knees into a moving hug with him, with her bawling]
Xander: [whispering in her ear] I love you...
[while still crying and hugging Xander, Willow's hair gradually becomes redder and her veins disappears, allowing the old Willow to appear]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Same Time, Same Place (#7.3)" (2002)
[looking at a dead body on Xander's construction site]
Buffy: No skin.
Xander: Tough to look at.
Buffy: And yet my eyes refuse to look away. Stupid eyes.

[following Spike who's tracking blood]
Xander: We should've put a leash on him.
Buffy: Yes, let's tie ourselves to the crazy vampire.

[Dawn is paralyzed]
Dawn Summers: [mumbles] I'm really sorry.
Buffy: Oh, it's okay.
Xander: You couldn't help it. It had paralyzing fingernails.
Buffy: Just like you said it would, so, good on you.

[Dawn is still paralyzed]
Xander: We'll get ya fixed up. You'll be doin' limbo in no time.
Dawn Summers: [mumbles] Yeah, as a pole.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Unaired Pilot (#1.0)" (1996)
Willow Rosenberg: Mr. Worth says you never pay attention.
Xander Harris: I pay attention. Just not to him.

Cordelia Chase: Has any girl ever spoken to you of her own free will? I don't think so.
Xander Harris: You know I've often wondered why that is.
Cordelia Chase: Got a mirror?
[Cordy walks away]
Xander Harris: Check back tomorrow, I'll have that devastating comeback ready.

Buffy Summers: I'm Buffy. I'm new.
[Buffy walks away]
Xander Harris: [to himself] You're new and improved!

Xander Harris: [to Buffy] Hey! You forgot your... stake.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Earshot (#3.18)" (1999)
Xander: You know, Oz, I look at all this beauty, all these healthy young women and I wonder why I ever wasted my time on Cordelia. I mean, look at her. She's no better lookin' than the rest of 'em.
Oz: None of them are really my...
Xander: Oh, my God! He's lookin' at her. He's got his filthy adult Pierce Brosnany eyes all over my Cordy.
Oz: You're a very complex man, aren't you?

[Buffy can hear everyone's thoughts]
Oz: [Thinking] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist.
[Out loud]
Oz: Hmm.
Xander: [Thinking] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me.
Buffy: God, Xander. Is that all you think about?
Xander: Actually... bye.
[Runs out of the room]

Xander: For a minute there, I thought you were gonna make an expression.
Oz: Well, I felt one comin' on. I won't lie.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Shadow (#5.8)" (2000)
Xander Harris: Am I right, Giles?
Rupert Giles: I'm almost certain you're not. But, to be fair, I wasn't listening.

Xander Harris: Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny-worshippers.
Anya: Great. Thank you very much for those nightmares.

Xander Harris: [researching Glory] Oh yeah, this has been fruitful. Trying to look up something you... never saw and don't know the name of.
Anya: Just do what I do: flip through the pages and look busy.
Willow Rosenberg: It'd be nice if we knew where she was, where she's hiding out.
Xander Harris: No doubt lurking around some sewer or condemned church or rat-infested warehouse - you know, the usual haunts.
[cut to: a beautiful, well-appointed apartment. Glory reclines on a round bed surrounded by shoeboxes]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I Was Made to Love You (#5.15)" (2001)
Xander: Robots are the strangest people.
Buffy: No... people are the strangest people. I mean, look at me obsessing about being with someone. It's like... I don't need a guy right now. I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.
Xander: Well, I'll say this, she's a pretty cool person to be alone with.

Buffy: See, that's my secret to attracting men. You know, it's simple, really. You slap 'em around a bit, you torture 'em, you make their lives a living hell, and...
Xander: Buff...
Buffy: Sure, the nice guys, they'll run away. But, every now and then, you'll come across a real prince of a guy like Spike who gets off on it.

Xander: He can come along any minute.
Buffy: Yeah, and the minute after that, I can terrify him with my alarming strength and remarkable self-involvement.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: A New Man (#4.12)" (2000)
Xander Harris: You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.
Spike: Hang on. Let a fella get organized.
[Spike starts grabbing things]
Xander Harris: That's my radio!
Spike: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.

Xander Harris: Okay, that's a giant vulture. I'd have mentioned if it was a giant vulture.

Giles: [as a Fyarl Demon] It's me, Giles. Ethan has turned me into a demon and I need your help.
[Xander wakes up]
Giles: Hello, yes. It's me.
Xander Harris: [only hearing demon growling] Yaaaa!
Giles: Listen. Don't you understand me?
Xander Harris: Demon! Demon!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Hell's Bells (#6.16)" (2002)
Old Xander Harris: I'm you from the future.
Xander: Oh, from the future! For a minute, I thought you were a nut ball, but now that you're from the future...

Xander: It fit when I picked up the tux. How could it not fit now?
Buffy: It'll fit.
Xander: Aw, man, what if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund? And then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt. Buffy, that can not happen. I must wear das cummerbund!

Xander: It's dead.
Buffy: Yep.
Willow Rosenberg: Is anyone else waiting for it to go poof? Maybe we can cover it with flowers.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Enemies (#3.17)" (1999)
Xander: [Imitating Cordelia] "I love when you talk, Wesley. I love when you sing, Wesley." Can you say the words "jail bait", Wesley? Limey bastard.

[Willow remembers something the Watchers didn't]
Buffy: Well, we have a winner.
Xander: And more importantly, two losers.

Cordelia Chase: What are you doing Friday night?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Uh, uh, as always my sacred duty as a Watcher prevents me from... Why?
Cordelia Chase: I have a paper to write for English, and you're English, so I thought...
[at everyone's looks]
Cordelia Chase: What? Is it so wrong to be getting an insider's perspective?
[to Wesley]
Cordelia Chase: I study best in a good restaurant, around eightish? Think it over?
[she leaves]
Xander: And on the day the words "flimsy excuse" were redefined, we stood in awe and watched.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Band Candy (#3.6)" (1998)
Principal Snyder: You will sell it to raise money for the marching band. They need new uniforms.
Xander Harris: Yeah, those tall, fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh?
Oz: But they go with everything.

Xander Harris: The band, yeah. They're great. They march.
Willow: Like an army. Except with music, instead of bullets, and usually no one dies.

Xander Harris: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff- never mind.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Empty Places (#7.19)" (2003)
Xander: Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch Jaws 3D again.

Kennedy: You have to pretend there's a big party here.
Xander: That's fine. Parties in this house, I usually end up having to rebuild something.

Willow: So I guess you're stuck with me then. Let's order some cherry-flavoured off-brand gelatin, and then I think we'll be up for a rousing game of...
Xander: I might need a parrot.
Willow: Huh?
Xander: To go with the eye patch. To really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.
Willow: Yeah, and don't underestimate the impact of a peg leg!
[Xander laughs quietly]
Willow: Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a "two body parts for the price of one" kind of deal.
Xander: Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch "Jaws 3-D" again.
Willow: Yeah, and... you'll never have to...
[Willow stumbles on her words, tightens her grip on Xander's hand and then starts crying]
Xander: [on the verge of tears himself] Oh, Willow... please don't.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dirty Girls (#7.18)" (2003)
Kennedy: I don't care if it's Godzilla. I wanna get in this thing.
Andrew: Godzilla is mostly Tokyo-based, so he's probably a no-show.
Amanda: Besides, Matthew Broderick can kill Godzilla. How tough is he?
Andrew: [in a whiny voice] Xander!
Xander Harris: Matthew Broderick did not kill Godzilla. He killed a big, dumb lizard that was *not* the real Godzilla.

Xander Harris: I've been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She stopped everything that's ever come up against her. She's laid down her life - literally - to protect the people around her. This girl has died *two* times, and she's still standing. You're scared, that's smart. You got questions, you should. But you doubt her motives, you think Buffy's all about the kill, then you take the little bus to battle. I've seen her heart - and this time not literally - and I'm telling you right now she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She's earned it.

Buffy: If this place is a trap, we give the signal, you guys come in, guns a-blazing.
Xander Harris: So, what's the signal?
Buffy: I'm thinkin' lots and lots of yelling.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bring on the Night (#7.10)" (2002)
[first lines]
Xander: [repairing the house after a demon invasion] It's a loop... like the Mummy Hand! I'm doomed to replace these windows for all eternity. You know, maybe we should just board these things up until things are less Hellmouthy.

Xander: Whoa. Check out the goat-heady badness.

Andrew: Man, this place gives me the creeps. It's like in Wonder Woman, issue 297/299...
Xander: Catacombs - yeah, with the skeletons.
Andrew, Xander: That was cool.
[Xander realizes that he shouldn't be bonding with the enemy and pushes Andrew forward]
Xander: Move it. This way.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Angel (#1.7)" (1997)
Xander: Ah, the post-fumigation party.
Buffy: 'Kay, so, what's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party?
Xander: Much hardier cockroaches.

Xander: Guys would do anything to impress a girl. I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath.
Willow Rosenberg: It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor.

Xander: You're in love with a vampire? What, are you outta your mind?
Cordelia Chase: What?
Xander: Not vampire. How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!
Cordelia Chase: Where did you get that dress?
[pursues another student]
Cordelia Chase: This is a one-of-a-kind Todd Oldham. Do you know how much this dress cost? Is this a knockoff? This is a knockoff, isn't it? Some cheesy knockoff! This is exactly what happens when you sign these free trade agreements!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Becoming: Part 1 (#2.21)" (1998)
[Xander has reenacted Buffy's slaying with fish sticks]
Buffy: That's exactly how it happened.
Oz: Well, I thought it was riveting. Uh, I was a little unclear about some of the themes.
Buffy: The theme is Angel's too much of a coward to take me on face-to-face.
Xander: And the other theme was 'Buy American', but it, uh, got kind of buried.

Cordelia: I think it's great to do that before you go out and fail in the real world. That way you're not falling back on something. You're falling... well, forward.
Xander: And almost sixty-five percent of that was actual compliment. Is that a personal best?
Cordelia: Gee Xander, what are you gonna teach when you fail in life? Advanced loser-being?

Xander: Hi, for those of you who've just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Initiative (#4.7)" (1999)
Xander Harris: No studying? Damn. Next thing you'll tell me is I'll have to eat jelly doughnuts or sleep with a supermodel to get things done around here. I ask you, how much can one man give?

[Giles and Xander are hiding in the woods, watching for the mysterious commandos]
Xander Harris: Every man faces this moment. Here. Now. Watching, waiting for an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last.
Rupert Giles: [impatiently] Oh, shut up.

Rupert Giles: Well, based on-on Buffy's description, I believe the men that we're after look something like this.
[Giles holds up a drawing]
Xander Harris: The latest in fall fascism. I like it. A bit full in the hips for my tastes, but, uh...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Seeing Red (#6.19)" (2002)
Buffy: Just making sure there are no more evil "trio" cameras. Or... evil "uno".
Xander: The sinister yet addictive card game?

[rebuttal to Warren's pick-up lines]
Xander: See, now, I think it's the 'daddy' thing that's throwin' her. 'Cause incest, not that sexy.

Willow: We were able to decipher pretty much everything, except these.
Tara: I-It isn't written in any ancient language we could identify.
Xander: It's Klingon. They're - They're love poems.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Passion (#2.17)" (1998)
Buffy: When I woke up, I found a picture he'd left me on my pillow.
Xander Harris: A visit from the pointed-tooth fairy.

Willow: We had kind of a pajama party sleepover with weapons thing.
Xander Harris: Oh. And I don't suppose either of you had the presence of mind to locate a camera to capture the moment.

Xander Harris: If Giles wants to go after the, uh, fiend that murdered his girlfriend I say, "Faster pussycat, kill kill."


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Listening to Fear (#5.9)" (2000)
Anya: [Riley is about to touch the meteorite] Is it hot? Cuz, uh, if there's radiation you could, like, go all sterile.
Riley Finn: [Riley recoils and Xander scampers away to be behind Anya] No, it's not hot. It's warm, and broken. And sort of...
Rupert Giles: [interrupts] Hollow.
Riley Finn: Yeah.
Anya: So, uh, we're all thinking the same thing, right?
Xander Harris: Festive piñata? Delicious candy?
Willow Rosenberg: Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and slithered away to do badness.
Rupert Giles: In all fairness, I don't think we know about the slithered part.
Anya: Oh no, I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.

Riley Finn: [Riley is scraping out slime out of someone's mouth with a pen and everyone recoils from the smell] Ugh. That might be toxic. Don't touch it.
Xander Harris: Oh yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily I've moved on to my second which involves dry heaving and running like hell. Oh man, does that smell.

Xander Harris: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
Rupert Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space.
[pause]
Rupert Giles: I did not say that.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Puppet Show (#1.9)" (1997)
Cordelia: All I can think is, it coulda been me.
Xander: We can dream.

[Giles is in charge of the school talent show]
Buffy: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.
Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped.
Buffy: Nah. I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch.
Xander: And mock.
Willow Rosenberg: And laugh.

Xander: Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Never Leave Me (#7.9)" (2002)
Buffy Summers: How's your guy?
Anya: The weasel wants to sing. He just needs a tune.
Xander Harris: He's primed. I'll be pumping him in no time.
[Buffy and Anya stare at him, and Xander realizes how unintentionally homoerotic that sounded]
Xander Harris: He'll give us information soon.

Buffy Summers: [about Spike] He-he mentioned something about a song in the cellar. Uh, and he-he changed there, too - I mean, instantly became another person.
Xander Harris: Trigger.
Anya: The horse?
Xander Harris: No, in his head. It's a trigger. It's a brainwashing term. I-It's how the military makes sleeper agents. They, they brainwash operatives and condition them with a specific trigger, like a song, that makes 'em drastically change at a moment's notice.
Willow Rosenberg: Is this left over from your days in the Army?
Xander Harris: No, this is left over from every army movie I've ever seen.

Buffy Summers: This trigger. How do we holster... safety, or... I, I don't know guns. How do we make it stop?
Xander Harris: Well, usually the operative completes his task and either blows his head off or steals a submarine.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lovers Walk (#3.8)" (1998)
Oz: I can see why you'd be upset. Oh, that was my sarcastic voice.
Xander: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Oz: I've been told that.

[Spike has kidnapped Willow and Xander]
Willow: He-he wants me to do a love spell.
Xander: What?
Willow: Drusilla broke up with him.
Xander: Gee, and we had all hoped those crazy kids would make it work.

Cordelia: I don't know. I just thought we were gonna do something, you know... classy.
Xander: What's classier than bowling?
Cordelia: Apart from everything ever?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: End of Days (#7.21)" (2003)
Buffy: I trust you with my life. That's why I need you to do this for me.
Xander Harris: Okay.
Buffy: Also, you can't shoot a bow and arrow anymore and-and every time you pick up a sword I worry that you're gonna break one of our good lamps.
Xander Harris: Hey!
Buffy: Don't look at me. You're the one who said I'm gonna die.
Xander Harris: I never said you were gonna die. I-I implied that you were gonna die. It's totally different.
Buffy: Yeah, okay. Sure.
Xander Harris: Besides, if you die, I'll just bring you back to life. That's what I do.

Xander Harris: I just always thought that I would... that I would be there with you. You know, for the end.
Buffy: Hey!
Xander Harris: Well, not that this is the end.
Buffy: Thanks a lot.
Xander Harris: No, no, no, no. Uh, by the end, I-I meant, uh... heroic in an uplifting way. See, I'm still optimistic. You're just thrown off a little by this gritty-looking eye patch.
Buffy: I know what you meant.
Xander Harris: I should be at your side. That's all I'm saying.
Buffy: You will be. You're my strength, Xander. You're the reason I made it this far.

Xander Harris: Buffy, do you get that? If I do this, that's it for me for this fight. I feel like you're putting me out to pasture.
Buffy: Of course I'm not putting you out to pasture. What does that even mean?
Xander Harris: Well, you know, it's like, uh, when a cow gets old and loses an eye, or its ability to be milked, the farmer takes it and puts it in a different pasture so it won't have to... fight... with the priests.
[chuckles]
Xander Harris: Look, I don't need you to protect me.
Buffy: I'm not.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: After Life (#6.3)" (2001)
Spike: You didn't tell me. You brought her back, and you didn't tell me.
Xander: Well, now you know.
Spike: I worked beside you all summer.
Xander: We didn't tell you. It was just... we didn't, okay?

Dawn: Xander, drive faster!
Xander: I can't.
Dawn: I could drive faster, and I can't drive.
Anya: She's right. You're like a snail, a snail who's driving a car very slowly. Come on, give it the lead foot. We gotta help Buffy with that demon you sent after her.
Xander: I did not send the demon. I was possessed. The demon used me to eavesdrop on our conversation.
Anya: Great, so now what? We have to talk in some sort of anti-demon secret code?
Xander: Ood-gay idea-yay An-yay.

Xander: Very bad. Very, very, very bad. Bad.
Anya: He's all traumatized.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Revelations (#3.7)" (1998)
[the gang angrily confronts Buffy on Angel's return]
Giles: You must've known it was wrong, seeing Angel, or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us.
Buffy: I was going to tell you, I was. It was just that I-I didn't know why he was back. I just wanted to wait.
Xander: For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?
Buffy: I'm not going to... look... we're not together like that.
Oz: But you were kissing him.
Buffy: [to Xander] You were spying on me? What gives you the right?
Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What? You just tripped and fell on his lips?
Buffy: It was wrong, okay? I know that and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me, I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for a second that Angel was gonna hurt anyone...
Xander: You would stop him? Like you tried the last time when he took down Miss Calendar?

Buffy: You would just love an excuse to kill Angel, wouldn't you?
Xander: I don't need an excuse. I think that lots of dead people actually constitutes an excuse!

Buffy: What are you guys talking about?
Oz: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.
Buffy: He's not my boyfriend. Really, truly, he's... I don't know.
[to Xander]
Buffy: Are we cool?
Xander: Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you.
Cordelia: I don't. Just for the record.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: First Date (#7.14)" (2003)
Xander: Guys, guess what happened.
Willow: Buffy got a date!
Xander: No, *I* did!
[looks at Buffy]
Xander: Fine. Way to steal my thunder.
Buffy: Sorry. If it makes you feel better, it's Principal Wood, and I think he's aligned with the First.
Xander: Also like ten years older than you, right?
Willow: Which is like 100 years younger than your type!
Buffy: Yay. Someone who doesn't remember the industrial revolution.

[Buffy, Spike and Xander enter the house to find the Scoobies waiting up for them. Xander's shirt is wrapped around his waist as a surrogate bandage]
Willow: What happened?
Xander: What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me. I'm going gay. I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let's gay.
Willow: What?
Xander: You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That's a start, isn't it?
Andrew Wells: [wistfully] Captain Archer...
Xander: Come on, let's get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.
Buffy: What if you just start attracting male demons?
Dawn: Clem always liked you.

Xander Harris: I'm going gay. I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on. Let's gay... Let's get this gay show on the gay road.
Buffy Summers: ...What if you just start attracting male demons?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Prom (#3.20)" (1999)
Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive; I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.

Xander: Well, hey, it's demon Anya, punisher of evil males. Still haven't got your powers back? You haven't, right?
Anya: No. I will, though. It's just a matter of time.
Xander: So, now how did that work? Women would wish horrible things on their ex-boyfriends; you'd show up and make it happen.
Anya: That's right. The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful.
Xander: Well, hey, good luck with that. Hope it works out for you.
Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of this species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
Anya: You know, this happens to be all your fault.
Xander: My fault?
Anya: You were unfaithful to Cordelia so I took on the guise of a twelfth-grader to tempt her with the Wish. When I lost my powers I got stuck in this persona, and now I have all these feelings. I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance and I want someone to go with me.
Xander: Be still my heart. Oh wait, it is.

Buffy: No! You guys are going to have a prom. The kind of prom that everyone should have. I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every single person on the face of the Earth to do it.
Xander: Yay?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Villains (#6.20)" (2002)
Buffy: [sighing] We need to find Willow.
Xander: Yeah, she's really off the wagon, big-time. Warren's a dead man if she finds him.
Dawn: [bitterly] Good!
Buffy: Dawn, don't say that.
Dawn: Why not? I'd do it myself if I could.
Buffy: Because you don't really feel that way.
Dawn: Yes, I do! And you should too. He killed Tara, and he nearly killed you. He needs to pay!
Xander: [nods with approval] Out of the mouths of babes.
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I'm just saying he's... he's just as bad as any murderous vampire you've sent to dustville.
Buffy: Being a Slayer doesn't give me a license to kill. Warren's human.
Dawn: [scoffs] So?
Buffy: So the human world has its own rules for dealing with people like him.
Xander: Yeah, and we all know how well those rules work.
Buffy: Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. Look... we can't control the universe. If we were supposed to... then the magic wouldn't change Willow the way it does. And... we'd be able to bring Tara back.
Dawn: [quietly] And Mom.
Buffy: There are limits to what we can do. There should be. Willow doesn't wanna believe that. And now she's messing with dark forces that wanna hurt her. All of us.
Xander: I just... I've had blood on my hands all day. Blood from people I love.
Buffy: I know. And now it has to stop. Warren is going to get what he deserves, I promise! But I will not let Willow destroy herself.

[Willow has just told Buffy and Xander that Tara was killed by Warren]
Buffy: Willow, please, just stop. We love you, and Tara. But we don't kill humans. It's not the way we fight.
Willow Rosenberg: How can you say that? Tara is dead!
Buffy: I know, I know. And... I can't understand anything. Not what happened, and... and not what you must be going through. Willow, if you do this, you let Warren destroy you, too. Kill him and you become him.
Xander: In any case, you said it yourself, Wil, the magic's too strong. There's no coming back from it.
Willow Rosenberg: I'm not coming back.
Buffy: Wil, please. Please, we'll get through this together.
Willow Rosenberg: No, we won't. Not your way.
Buffy: Please, just... let's go home. We'll talk about what...
Willow Rosenberg: [interupting] No! No more talking. Warren murdered Tara. For that he's going down... for good.
Buffy: Willow, don't! I'm begging you, don't do this!
Willow Rosenberg: It's done!

Buffy: How'd I get here?
Xander: You've got to stop doing this. This dying thing's funny once, maybe twice.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Showtime (#7.11)" (2003)
Xander: Maybe we can save the "maybes" for more of a dayish part of the day, girls. Potential slayers can function without sleep. Me, I'm no good without my usual ninety minutes.
Andrew Wells: I'm with him. Keep the chatter down. Or speak up so I can hear you. I'm bored. Episode I bored.

Rona: Um, why is that guy tied to a chair?
Xander: The question you'll soon be asking is, "Why isn't he gagged?"

Anya: I made the rounds myself. Tried to dig up anything useful from the demon community.
Xander: They're a community, now? What's next? A ladies' auxiliary?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Beauty and the Beasts (#3.4)" (1998)
Giles: How long exactly did you rest your eyes for?
Xander: A little now, uh, a little then. But I never heard Oz leave, and he was here in the morning when I, um when I...
Giles: [yells] Woke up!
Xander: You could put it that way if you want to, Mr. Technical.

Cordelia: He didn't? Pete was a monster? Where have I been?
Xander: In your special place, Cor, which is why I adore you.

Xander: I can handle the Oz full monty. I mean, not handle handle, like, uh, hands-to-flesh, handle.
Willow: Okay, well, it's not for you. It's for me. Um, 'cause I'm still getting used to half a monty.
Xander: Oh, good. Half? You and Oz? Which half?
Willow: [quirks her eybrow and smiles] Wouldn't you like to know.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Yoko Factor (#4.20)" (2000)
Xander: Right maybe we can help in other ways. Want some fighting pants Buff? I can get you some new fighting pants.

Xander: It happens that I'm good at a lot of things. I help out with all kinds of... stuff. I have skills and... stratagems... I'm very... help me out.
Anya: He's a Viking in the sack.

Willow: [to Buffy] You can't handle Tara being my girlfriend!
Xander: No! It was bad before that. Since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to- Tara's your girlfriend?
Giles: [off screen] Bloody hell!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Goodbye Iowa (#4.14)" (2000)
Buffy: So Maggie sends me down into the sewers with one of those Blasto-guns. And the next thing I know, it's raining monsters.
Xander Harris: Hallelujah.
Buffy: And then this gate slams down behind me and I, I try to use the gun but it goes pfft.
Rupert Giles: You're saying that Maggie Walsh set you up?
Buffy: That's exactly what I'm saying. She sent me on a one-way recon.
Spike: Got to hand it to you, Goldilocks - you do have bleeding tragic taste in men. I've got a cousin married to a regurgitating Frovalox demon that's got better instincts than you.
Buffy: What does my taste in men have to do with this?
Spike: You think Riley was out knitting booties for your future offspring while Maggie stringing you up?
Buffy: You guys think Riley had something to do with this?
Rupert Giles: Probably not. But we'd be remiss if we didn't think through all the possibilities.
Buffy: Right. Remiss. No! No, Maggie made sure that he was nowhere around when she sent me on this very special make-Buffy-dead assignment.
Willow Rosenberg: Plus, Riley - he seems like he wouldn't tell a little white lie, let alone a whole bunch of big dirty ones.
Xander Harris: That's why they call it the secret forces, Will, 'cause they kinda keep the whole lying thing to themselves.
Buffy: All I know is that Maggie has it in for me, which means the Initiative has it in for me.
Xander Harris: I'm guessing the mad scientist isn't too keen on the fact that the entire Scooby Gang knows that the Initiative is up to no good.
Buffy: Which brings us back to the not-safe-for-any-of-us concept.
Rupert Giles: What could have happened to make Professor Walsh want to kill you?
Buffy: I don't know. She wasn't keen on the fact that I was asking a lot of questions, that's for sure.
Anya: So you were getting too close to something.
Rupert Giles: Clearly. Although one can only imagine what she'd be so desperate to hide.

Riley Finn: That's Hostile 17.
Spike: No, I'm just a friend of Xaannderr's. Pfftt. Bugger it. I'm your guy.
Buffy: This is Spike. He's, um... It's a really long story, but he's not bad anymore.
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad, it's just I can't bite anymore. Thanks to you wankers.
Riley Finn: We've been looking all over the place for him - but you've known where's he's been all along.
Buffy: It's not like that.
Riley Finn: Then what is it like? What's he doing here?
Spike: Leaving you swabs to your dramatics, thanks. I've got my stories on the telly for that. By the by. If you're trying to kill her.
[Spike leans back with a big grin and two thumbs up]
Spike: [Spike runs out the door into the sunlight, covering his head and arms with his coat]
Riley Finn: Buffy, what is this? You're hiding an H.S.T.?
Xander Harris: Why don't you just back off and let her ask the questions, Jack? Your boss just tried to make monster food out of her.
Riley Finn: [seeing unfriendly faces all around him] I, I didn't see much, I wasn't there. All I know is that Professor Walsh told me you were dead, but then I saw you on the monitors. This isn't Professor Walsh. There must be something making her act this way. Something, I don't know, controlling her.
Rupert Giles: We think Buffy may have been becoming too inquisitive. That she was getting close to something that Professor Walsh was trying to hide. Do you have any idea what that might be?
Buffy: What about 314? Maybe that's it.
Riley Finn: Maybe she was trying to test you. What if it was only a drill?
Buffy: Then why did she tell you I was dead? Riley, it wasn't a test.
Rupert Giles: See I've heard rumors that the Initiative isn't all that we've been told. That, um, secretly they're working toward some darker purpose, something that might harm us all.
Riley Finn: No! That's - that's not what happens there.
Buffy: Riley!
Riley Finn: I would know!
Buffy: No one is sure of anything, okay? We're just trying to sort it out.
Riley Finn: I can't be here. I'll sort it out on my own.

Buffy: Everybody grab a weapon. We've gotta move.
[Buffy hands Xander an axe and Anya a grappling hook]
Xander Harris: Storm the Initiative. Yeah, let's take on those suckers!
Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
Xander Harris: Oh, thank God.
Rupert Giles: I think perhaps we should talk about this.
Buffy: We need to relocate someplace we're less likely to be found. We need to come up with a plan.
Willow Rosenberg: We could go to my place.
Buffy: The Initiative guys know how close we are. They'll automatically check the places that you hang out. Xander, what about your basement? The guys haven't seen us together that much and there's enough room.
Willow Rosenberg: Ooh! Plus mirrored ball.
Xander Harris: Cool! Come on down and boogie at Xander's hideaway.
Rupert Giles: Absolutely not! I will not squat in that dank hole.
Spike: What, it was good enough for me, but you're above it all?
Rupert Giles: Precisely. Besides, I-I don't see why we can't stay right where we are. Pfft. It's very unlikely that those Initiative boys are going to come round here to look for, uh...
[Riley enters]
Riley Finn: Buffy! God, Buffy, are you ok? What happened?
Buffy: You know?
Xander Harris: I know something went down. Umph. Tell me.
Buffy: Maggie tried to kill me.
Anya: It didn't work, but they're all upset anyway.
Riley Finn: Okay, listen, I need you to go over everything step by step. There has to be, has to be some kind of mistake.
Xander Harris: There was no mistake. And how do you know something happened?
Riley Finn: I was on a mission but I came back and... I'm not sure... Look, let's just keep our heads and not jump to any...
[Riley stops and stares at Spike]
Buffy: What?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Homecoming (#3.5)" (1998)
Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library gettin' all sweaty.
Cordelia: They're training.
Xander: I stand by my phrase.

Xander: Okay, let's not say something we'll, uh, regret later, okay?
Cordelia: You crazy freak.
Buffy: Vapid whore.
Xander: Like that.

Xander: You wanna talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Normal Again (#6.17)" (2002)
Spike: Oh, balls! You didn't say it was a Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik.
Xander Harris: 'Cause I can't say Glarba...

Xander Harris: I don't know how stuff got so mixed up. I blew it.
Buffy Summers: No! Well, maybe it wasn't the best time to break up with her, but...
Xander Harris: No. It wasn't about breaking up. I love her and God, I miss her so much.
Willow Rosenberg: So you left her at the altar, but you still wanna...
Buffy Summers: You still wanna date?
Xander Harris: I guess. I know that I'm a better person with her in my life. But things got so complicated with the wedding, with my family, and with her demons, and what if it all goes to Hell, and... and for ever? But then I left. And ever since... I've had this painful hole inside. And I'm the idiot who dug it out. I screwed up real bad.
Buffy Summers: Hey. We all screw up.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Doublemeat Palace (#6.12)" (2002)
[on invading the Trio's lair]
Willow Rosenberg: A-and they had other stuff. You know, razor scooters, and pictures of the Vulcan woman on Enterprise.
Xander Harris: Oooo!
[at Anya's look]
Xander Harris: I mean, nerds.

Buffy Summers: We need to analyze that burger. We need to find out if it used to be people.
Xander Harris: [mouth full of burger] What? People?
Buffy Summers: Xander, you ate the burger?
Xander Harris: Well, first you say it's cat, then you come in, hand me a burger, blah, blah, blah, five minutes later, oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious, human flesh.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lessons (#7.1)" (2002)
Xander Harris: How, exactly, do you *make* cereal?
Buffy Summers: Ah. You put the box near the milk. I saw it on the Food Channel.

Xander Harris: Being popular isn't so great. Or so I've read in books.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Killer in Me (#7.13)" (2003)
Giles: Gah!
Xander: Touch him! Touch him!
Dawn: Oh, I feel him! I feel him!
Xander: Me too.
Andrew: Me too.
Giles: Good. We all feel each other. Including some of us who don't know each other well enough to take such liberties, thank you. Um, I assume there is a perfectly reasonable and not at all insane explanation, yes?
Anya: We thought you might be non-corporeal evil.
Dawn: We got a call. We couldn't remember you touching anything.
Xander: We had to make sure you were okay. We were worried.
Giles: Oh. Ah. Yes, well, that's very sweet. Now, wait a minute, you thought - you think I'm evil if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and *don't* touch them?

Xander: You're not coming.
Andrew: What? W-Why? 'Cause I used to be evil?
Xander: No, actually, because you're annoying, but, uh, that's a good reason, too.
Andrew: [panicked] Wait, I - don't-don't leave me here alone. I keep getting attacked in this house.
Dawn: Actually, Xand...
Andrew: W-What if this is all part of the plan? Drive you guys away so It can have Its way with me? E-Ev-Ever think of that?
Xander: I'll risk it.
Andrew: Okay, well, if you leave me here alone, I'll-I'll do something evil, like burning something or gluing things together.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: No Place Like Home (#5.5)" (2000)
Anya: [to a customer who just finished her purchase] Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They want me to tell you that, "Please go" just got replaced with, "Have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.

Rupert Giles: Xander? There's too many of them - people. A-A-And they all seem to want things.
Xander: I hear ya. Stay British. You'll be okay.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Phases (#2.15)" (1998)
Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
Xander: On behalf of my gender: Hey!
Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.

Buffy: You're sure it was a werewolf?
Xander: Well, let's see, um, six feet tall, claws, a big old snout in the middle of his face, like a wolf? Uh, yeah, I'm stickin' with my first guess.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Older and Far Away (#6.14)" (2002)
Anya: I think she's possessed.
Xander Harris: She's a teenager.

Anya: [pottering about the Magic Box] Do you think we should set up lots of candles for Buffy's party tomorrow?
Xander Harris: Not if they're that horrible slug kind you keep trying to unload.
Anya: I don't know why people get so turned off by slug.
Xander Harris: Honey, *slugs* get turned off by slug.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Spiral (#5.20)" (2001)
Rupert Giles: There must be something in the Book of Tarnis that we've missed, something that we can use against Glory.
Anya: Piano!
Xander Harris: Because that's what we used to kill that big demon that one time.
[pause]
Xander Harris: No, wait, that-that was a rocket launcher. An, what are you talkin' about?
Anya: We should drop a piano on her. Well, it always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment.
Rupert Giles: [sarcastic] Yes, or perhaps we could paint a convincing tunnel on the side of a mountain.

Xander Harris: We got company... and they brought a crusade.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Crush (#5.14)" (2001)
Anya: Xander, I think you may have hurt his feelings.
Xander Harris: And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer.
[thinks]
Xander Harris: You know, that's, uh, that's actually some pretty good advice.

Buffy: Spike's in love with me.
[Xander starts laughing]
Buffy: I'm not joking.
Xander Harris: Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Sleeper (#7.8)" (2002)
Anya: You're not at least gonna, like, leave me a-a crossbow or a flame thrower? Something to protect myself?
Xander Harris: We don't want him to know we suspect anything. Besides, if he tries to leave, I don't want you confronting him. Call Buffy and just let her know that he's on the move. You're gonna be fine.
Anya: Better be. Because if I get vamped, I'm gonna bite your ass.
Xander Harris: Wouldn't be the first time.
Anya: What was that?

Xander Harris: Why would a vampire lie about who sired him? What's that, some kind of status symbol for the undead? My sire can beat up your sire.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Amends (#3.10)" (1998)
Xander Harris: Angel? Weird? What are the odds?

Giles: They're known as the, uh, as the Bringers, or-or Harbingers. They're high priests of the First. They, uh, they can conjure spirit manifestations and set them on people. Influence them, haunt them.
Buffy: These are the guys working the mojo on Angel.
Xander Harris: We gotta stop 'em.
Giles: You-you-you can't fight the First, Buffy. It's not a-a physical being.
Buffy: Well, uh, I can fight these priest guys.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Living Conditions (#4.2)" (1999)
Giles: I fear the demon that Buffy met in the woods has somehow possessed her.
Buffy: [screaming] Lite FM! Love songs! Nothing but love songs!
Xander: You think?

Buffy: After all that we've been through together, and you guys won't believe me when I tell you that Kathy is bad.
Xander: We want to, Buff. It's just...
Oz: Shh. Don't engage.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Real Me (#5.2)" (2000)
Anya: Crap. Look at this... Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children and more cash than I can reasonably manage.
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Ooooh. I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Xander: Check this out, they put cheese on round bread. It's gonna be big.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Never Kill a Boy on the First Date (#1.5)" (1997)
Xander Harris: [loudly in the cafeteria] So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy Summers: Xander!
Xander Harris: Sorry. I mean, how'd the laying go? No, I don't mean that either.

Buffy Summers: Okay, guy's opinion. Which one do you think Owen will like better: The red or the peach?
Xander Harris: Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his friends how easy you are so everyone loses respect for you and talks behind your back? The red's fine.
Buffy Summers: Thanks. I'll go with the peach.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Entropy (#6.18)" (2002)
[Xander and Buffy confront Anya and Spike after catching them having sex on camera]
Xander: Don't even try to deny it. 'Cause we saw it all. The whole beautiful show.
Anya: How? It was just - it - it was just a thing. I-I felt bad and he was just there.
Buffy Summers: [to Spike] Didn't take long, did it?
Xander: Oh, ho. Oh, okay! Ya had to do it, because he was there. Like Mount Everest. Like I used to be.
Anya: And then you weren't! You left *me*, Xander, at the alter. I don't owe you anything!
Xander: So you go out and bang the first body you can find? Dead or alive?
Anya: Where do you get off judging me?
Xander: When this is your solution to our problems. I hurt you, and you get me back. Very mature.
Anya: No, the mature solution is for you to spend your whole life telling stupid, pointless jokes so that no one will notice that you are just a scared, insecure, little boy!
Xander: I'm not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations, it worked. I look at you, and I feel sick, 'cause you had sex with that.
Spike: It's good enough for Buffy.
Xander: Shut up, and leave her out of...
[both Xander and Anya stare at Buffy]
Anya: Buffy?
Buffy Summers: Xander...
Xander: I don't wanna know this. I don't wanna know any of this.
[Xander leaves and Buffy follows after]
Spike: Bloody Xander. Buggered up everything. You know, I wish...
Anya: Don't.

Xander: I know there's nothing that I can say or do to make up for what I did. I can't. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I'm like, "Oh God, is this my life? Was that me?"
Anya: Me too.
Xander: But you gotta believe me, please, I want to make up for it. I wanna take away the hurt. I love you so much.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Beneath You (#7.2)" (2002)
Xander Harris: Sunnydale. Come for the food, stay for the dismemberment.
Nancy: There's good food?

Anya: So I embellished a little...
Xander Harris: Well, you can unembellish now.
Anya: Bite me, Harris!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Teacher's Pet (#1.4)" (1997)
Xander: This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but, where did they put his head?
Willow Rosenberg: Good point. I didn't wanna hear that.

Xander Harris: It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you want you want it to.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Touched (#7.20)" (2003)
Spike: So, uh, Buffy took some time off right in the middle of the apocalypse and it was her decision.
Xander Harris: Well, uh, we all decided.
Spike: Oh yeah, YOU all decided. You sad, sad, ungrateful traitors! Who do you think you are?
Willow: We're her friends, we just wanted...
Spike: Oh, that's ballsy of you! You're her friends, and you treat her like this.
Giles: You don't understand.
Spike: Oh, I think I do... Rupert. You used to be the big man, didn't you. The teacher, all full of wisdom. Now, she's surpassed you, and you can't handle it! She has saved your lives again and again. She has died for you, and this is how you thank her?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Fool for Love (#5.7)" (2000)
Xander: What's with the hand move? You see that? Does that, like, mean something?
Willow: It's code. I-I think it breaks down to 'Choo-choo!'
Anya: It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.
Willow: [whispers] Ask.
Xander: [yells] Hey, Riley! What's the, uh -
[makes hand gesture]
Xander: all about?
Riley: It means yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're comin' will have a sporting chance.
Xander: See, now he's all mad and sarcastic.
Willow: That's cuz you were doing all the yelling, Mr. Stealthy Pants.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Forever (#5.17)" (2001)
Anya: Well, I just think I understand sex more, now. It's not just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life. It's about making life.
Xander: Right. When two people are much older and way richer and far less stupid.
Anya: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you. But I could, we could. Life could come out of love and our smooshing and that's beautiful. It all makes me feel like we're a part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow, you know?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Life Serial (#6.5)" (2001)
Xander Harris: Don't mind him. He may seem pig ignorant, rude, and a little hostile. Have fun!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dead Things (#6.13)" (2002)
Xander Harris: Hey, I see sitting where there should be dancing.
Anya: Come share in the joy of our groove thang.
Willow Rosenberg: And despite that, I succumb to the beat.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Tough Love (#5.19)" (2001)
Xander Harris: [about the hospital] Man, words cannot express how much I hate this place.
Rupert Giles: It's dreadful.
Anya: It's like communism.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: New Moon Rising (#4.19)" (2000)
Buffy: [holding a gun to the Colonel's head] Stay back, or I'll pull a William Burroughs on your leader here.
Xander Harris: You'll bore him to death with free prose?
Buffy: Was I the only one awake in English that day?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bad Girls (#3.14)" (1999)
Xander Harris: Harvard... Yale... Wesleyan... Some German Polytechnical Institute whose name I, uh... I can't pronounce. Is anyone else intimidated? 'Cause I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon.
Oz: They're typing those now.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Wild at Heart (#4.6)" (1999)
Willow: Well, things with Oz are weird. And-and I talked to Buffy about it, but I think we're in guyville here. I need a translator from the "y" side of things.
Xander Harris: Well, last time I checked, I had the creds. Hit me.
Willow: What does it mean when a girl wants to... You know.
Xander Harris: If you're doin' it, I think you should be able to say it.
Willow: Make love.
Xander Harris: Wild monkey love or tender Sarah McLachlan love?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Storyteller (#7.16)" (2003)
[Andrew is videotaping the morning's activities in the Summers kitchen]
Andrew: It's morning in Sunnydale, and the women of Command Central take the time to fortify themselves for the day ahead.
Xander Harris: Hey!
Andrew: Women and Xander. Hey, I'm gonna do your special intro later. "The man who is the heart of the Slayer Machine."
Xander Harris: [pleased] Yeah? The heart?
Andrew: Things are tense in Command Central this morning. Buffy is clearly concerned with some unknown danger, and the air is filled with foreboding.
Dawn Summers: Oh, um, w-we're out of Raisin Bran.
Anya: I'll put it on the list.
Andrew: That's probably not the unknown danger.