Cordelia Chase
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Quotes for
Cordelia Chase (Character)
from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Angel: Rm w/a Vu (#1.5)" (1999)
Allen Francis Doyle: If you ever wanna, you know, spend one night away from the place, maybe give me a call.
Cordelia: Well, stranger things have happened. No, wait... they really haven't.

Cordelia: [looking at her new place] Oh, my gosh. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?
Allen Francis Doyle: [looking at her] No, never.

Cordelia: First thing, I hire someone to take out that wall.
Allen Francis Doyle: I thought you said it was perfect?
Cordelia: Yes. And part of it being perfect is there being one *tiny* flaw for me to fix.
Allen Francis Doyle: Ah, must be why you find me so fascinating.

Cordelia: I am not giving up this apartment.
Angel: It's haunted.
Cordelia: It's rent-controlled.

Cordelia: This is easy. Little Old Lady ghost, probably hanging around 'cause she thinks she left the iron on.

Cordelia: I think you're gonna pack your little ghost bags and get the hell out of my house.

Cordelia: [to Angel] You have mousse? Of course you do.

Cordelia: Your cousin called with one of those names from your part of England.
Allen Francis Doyle: My part of *England*?

Young Man: [Showing Cordy an apartment] It's like a community, you know? We share all the upkeep and chores.
Cordelia: My urination just hasn't been public enough lately.
Young Man: Oh, we don't believe in barriers. It's the first rule of the great leader.
[Cordy and Doyle share a look]
Young Man: Ah, you can come to the meetings if you want. Every morning at 5:00.
Cordelia: Okay, that's just a touch too early for me
Young Man: Oh, you'll be up. The Chanting starts at 4:00.

Cordelia: I'm not a sniveling, whiny, little cry-Buffy. I'm the nastiest girl in Sunnydale history. I take crap from no one.

Cordelia: Back off, Polygrip! You think you're bad? All mean and haunty? Picking on poor, pathetic Cordy? Well, get ready to haul your wrinkly, translucent ass out of this place, 'cause lady, the bitch is back.

Cordelia: Angel, at some point in the recent history *you* got peanut butter on your bed, and it's gross. I think you're gonna have to change the sheets.
Angel: [protesting] I don't eat!
Cordelia: Well then, I don't even want to know how it got there.

Cordelia: [about Angel] The man doesn't even have a mirror. Like it would kill him to not see himself?

Cordelia: [after discovering a poltergeist in her apartment] I just knew this was to good to be true. I just knew it! I'm from Sunnydale, you're not scaring me, you know. No. You're not scaring me. You're not scaring me. Not one bit.

Allen Francis Doyle: [the ghost is writing in blood on Cordelia's wall] Cordy, it says 'die'!
Cordelia: Hey, maybe it's not done. Maybe it's 'diet'. That's friendly. A little judgmental, sure.

Angel: You know, this really is just a place to live.
Cordelia: No, It's more. It's beautiful, - and if it goes away it's like...
Angel: Like what?
Cordelia: Like I'm still getting punished.
Angel: Punished.
[Cordy nods]
Angel: For what?
Cordelia: I don't know. For what I was? For everything I said in High School just because I could get away with it? - And then it all ended, and I had to pay. - Oh, but this apartment - I could be me again. Punishment over - welcome back to your life! Like, like I couldn't be that awful if I get to have a place like that? - It's just like you!
Angel: Working for redemption.
Cordelia: I meant because you used to have that mansion.

Cordelia: Little old lady ghost. How come Patrick Swayze is never dead when you need him?

Cordelia: [On the phone in her new apartment] God, Aura. I can't believe I missed your calls! It's that incompetent girl at work. But things are going great. - Well, my new apartment for one thing. Celebrities are practically on top of me. Oh, Steve Paymer, - that's Dave Paymer's brother lives right down the hall. Oh, you'd know him if you saw him. And my view, it's amazing! - Yeah, I have a room mate, but it's cool. I never see him.
[Her can of diet root beer slides away from her on the sofa table and she puts her hand over the receiver]
Cordelia: Hey, hey - Phantom Dennis, put that back.
[Can slides back. To Aura]
Cordelia: All in all its working out great.
[the TV turns on and Cordy covers up the receiver again]
Cordelia: Dennis, when I'm on the phone, that's quiet time.
[TV turns off]
Cordelia: Thanks.

Cordelia: I've had it with these cheap trash bags! They leak and break and end up costing us more!
[Drops bag in front of Doyle]
Allen Francis Doyle: I believe it.
Cordelia: Yeah, It was a great audition! I was all about things leaking. How could they not pick me?
Allen Francis Doyle: They don't know what they missed.
Cordelia: They gave it to a blonde that showed up in a skintight leather cat suit. She is supposed to be a housewife! She looked ridiculous. She looked like cat-woman taking out the cat-trash.

Allen Francis Doyle: Hey, you high school diploma is all burned.
Cordelia: Yeah, it was a rough ceremony.


"Angel: Sense and Sensitivity (#1.6)" (1999)
[Cordelia clears her throat conspicuously]
Angel: What?
Cordelia: Nothing. I just find it endlessly fascinating how your instincts are so highly attuned when it comes to boring old evil, but you have yet to make any mention of these new shoes.
Angel: Look, Cordelia. Women's shoes... men... they just don't...
[Doyle enters]
Allen Francis Doyle: Great shoes. New?

Cordelia: Am I wrong in thinking that a "please" and "thank you" is generally considered good form when requesting a dismemberment?

Cordelia: Does giant tentacle spew come out with dry cleaning?

Angel: Oh, good, you're back. Cordelia, you need to...
Cordelia: No! I don't care what horrible thing is about to happen: Asteroids are hurtling towards Earth, unspeakable evil is rising in the San Fernando valley, Jar-Jar is getting his own talk show. Whatever, I don't wanna hear about it.

Cordelia: [covered in slime and annoyed with Angel] You do remember leaving us in a sewer with a giant calamari?
Angel: Yeah, and you're both here so I assume it went okay, right?
Cordelia: Yeah, it went okay, of course it went okay... *okay* - that's not the point!
Angel: So there is a point?
Cordelia: Being that it is possible to brood and show a little interest in the feelings of others.
Angel: [looks at Doyle, shakes head and sighs]
Allen Francis Doyle: Oh, she thinks you're insensitive and, not to bring up the irony but, heh, consider the source!

Cordelia: Mr. and Mrs. Spock need to mind-meld now.

Angel: Cordelia, I wanted to, you know, thank you so much for goin' through those coroner reports, because I can imagine how not fun it is to read about, you know, coroner stuff.
Cordelia: Lame.

Detective Kate Lockley: Where is the truth? He's hiding behind Mr. Humor. Look at - look at Doyle, really look at him. What do you see?
Cordelia: A bad double-poly blend?
Detective Kate Lockley: That's defense, Cordelia. Maybe you should try to open your heart to a new possibility.
Allen Francis Doyle: Hey, you know, she's startin' to make some sen...

Cordelia: He put the whammy on you! You stink with whammy.

Cordelia: What's her deal? Too much...?
[gestures]
Allen Francis Doyle: Thumb sucking?
Cordelia: Alcohol!

Cordelia: [Angel and Kate are hugging] Anyone for vomit?

Allen Francis Doyle: [about Angel] I think he appreciates us - in his own - unappreciative way.
Cordelia: You want to know what I think? I think he *uses* his tortured creature of the night status as a license to be rude and insensitive!
[a tentacle wraps itself around Doyle's neck choking him Cordy never notices as she begins to slice up the monster]
Cordelia: Sure, he is polite to the helpless and the downtrodden, but he ignores the people that are the closest to him. The people that matter the most, you know?
[Doyle is still being choked]
Cordelia: Can you say clueless?

Cordelia: You've got pensive face.
Angel: I've always got pensive face.
Cordelia: Well, pensive-r face.

Cordelia: [to Angel, after he starts acting "sensitive"] Hey! What's your damage?
Allen Francis Doyle: I think he's just found Mr. Sensitivity.
Angel: [Angel puts a hand on his heart] He was right in here all the time, just waiting to come out. - Gosh, what our folks do to us, huh?

Allen Francis Doyle: Angel, man, you've got to snap out of this!
Cordelia: Right now. It's time for you to get all vampy - grr! - Kate needs you.
Angel: [Shakes his head] I don't want to. You both withdraw when I go vamp. I feel you judge me.
Cordelia: We won't judge you,
[to Doyle]
Cordelia: will we?
[to Angel]
Cordelia: give it a try.
Angel: [Shakes his head again] Closeness is too important to me right now.

Angel: What's the magic word?
Cordelia: Urgh!
Angel: No, I don't think 'urgh' is the magic word, if one would *call* it a word. And even then it's certainly not a magic one."
Cordelia: We don't have time for this!
Angel: There is always time to be considerate of others, Cordelia.

Cordelia: The whole place is going nuts! This is so not good.
Angel: Okay, I think someone needs a hug.
Cordelia, Allen Francis Doyle: Huh?
Cordelia: [Angel pulls them both into a hug] Ack, eww? Eww!

Angel: So I'm a little reserved, that doesn't mean I don't care.
Cordelia: It's like you don't have a pulse!
Angel: ...I don't


"Angel: First Impressions (#2.3)" (2000)
[Gunn is looking for Angel and he's told Angel's sleeping]
Cordelia Chase: Maybe *we* can help.
Charles Gunn: You two? I find Deevak, I'm gonna need more than C-3PO and Stick-Figure Barbie backing me up, no offense.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Very little taken.

Cordelia Chase: [cleaning the Hyperion] Oh, this place is never gonna get clean.
Wesley: Buck up. It's just a little dust
Cordelia Chase: Oh, this isn't mere dust. This is 'son of dust'. This is the kind of dust that spawns countless generations of little baby dust. I give up.
Wesley: Very well. We'll just move our offices back to your living room.
Cordelia Chase: And I'm dusting.

Wesley: Well, we're hardly prepared to face a demon of Deevak's caliber in our current condition.
Charles Gunn: You ready to pack it in? Only reason I called you was 'cause y'all supposed to be the demon experts.
Angel: Wesley's right. Three vamps, we should have been able to take them all a lot easier and faster than we did. We need to regroup.
Charles Gunn: Maybe the rest of you need a little down time, but I'm gonna track down Jameel and make him talk.
Cordelia Chase: When you do find him, you may wanna be a little more Guy Pearce in "L.A Confidential" and a little less Michael Madsen in "Reservoir Dogs."
Charles Gunn: I haven't bothered to see a movie since Denzel was robbed at the Oscars for "Malcolm X." Later.

Charles Gunn: Where's Angel?
Cordelia Chase: I believe the word is 'hello'?
Charles Gunn: Yeah? 'Cause I thought 'Where's Angel' summed it up. We got work to do.
Cordelia Chase: He's still sleeping.
Charles Gunn: Sleeping? It's 3:30 in the afternoon. I've been up since dawn!
Cordelia Chase: Sort of missing the whole 'creature of the night' angle, isn't he?

Charles Gunn: So, could one of you go in there and knock on his coffin?
Cordelia Chase: He doesn't use a coffin. And maybe you've never heard the expression "Let sleeping vampires lie"? He'll rise on his own. Always does.

Cordelia Chase: Is anybody else getting warm?

Cordelia Chase: [after staking a group of vampires into dust] I am so sick of dust!

Cordelia Chase: Grease stains all over my new outfit! Okay, so maybe my pain isn't physical, but do you have any idea of the dry cleaning bill I'm looking at?

Cordelia Chase: Okay, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.

Cordelia Chase: There you go. Good as new.
Joey: I think you cracked my skull.
Cordelia Chase: Well, that's new, right?

Cordelia Chase: You need protection.
Charles Gunn: And how exactly do you plan on protecting me? With some weak ass ladysmith battle-axe?
Cordelia Chase: Ask Joey, and his cracked skull just how 'weak ass' it is.

Cordelia Chase: Geez, short enough leash, or do you just go all warm and tingly on the whole power-trip thing?
Charles Gunn: Some people need dicipline to survive. Now, when we get inside, just shut up and stick close to me.
Cordelia Chase: Hold on there, General Lee Simo, I'm not one of your toy soldiers you can just boss around.
Charles Gunn: I don't even want you here.
Cordelia Chase: Too bad. I am here, and I don't take orders. Well, except from Angel. And, at least he usually asks nicely. And besides, I don't need you to tell me how to behave at a party. Trust me, I know how to blend.
[they enter]
Cordelia Chase: Okay, not exactly blending. Maybe, I'll just shut up and stick close to you.

Veronica: Who's your friend?
Cordelia Chase: Who, me? I'm no friend. I mean I'm just here on business. I'm a working girl. That came out wrong. I mean, obviously I'm not a 'working girl'. Not that I couldn't be if I wanted to, of course I could. God that sounded stuck up, didn't it? I didn't mean to imply that I could be a working girl and you couldn't. Far from it. You'd make a great... Could you just point me to the hor d'oeuvers?

Charles Gunn: You don't have the keys?
Cordelia Chase: Well, I-I kinda left them in the car when I went in to save you. I thought you were in danger. Every second counted.
Charles Gunn: You know, I gotta tell you, you are one high-maintenance chick.
Cordelia Chase: The keys are here... somewhere.
Charles Gunn: You are killin' me!
Cordelia Chase: Can't you, you know, hot-wire it?
Charles Gunn: Just cause I know some car theives, don't mean I am one.

Cordelia Chase: Angel is not gonna be happy. Do you know what he's gonna do to me when he finds out I let his car get stolen? I mean, what are the chances that a vampire has full insurance with a low deductible?
Charles Gunn: I'll find the car.
Cordelia Chase: And how exactly are you gonna do that?
Charles Gunn: I know a couple of guys in this part of town that jack vintage cars. We'll run down the list until we find Angel's ride.
Cordelia Chase: And then what? You're just gonna ask them to give it back?
Charles Gunn: I'll say please
Cordelia Chase: Ooh! I forgot. You'll use your famous charm. Like you did this afternoon with that pigeon stool.
Charles Gunn: It's stool pigeon. - And you don't have clue why I do the things I do!
Cordelia Chase: Paging Mr. Rationalization!
Charles Gunn: Paging Ms. About-to-be-thrown-out-of-a-moving-vehicle.

Deevak: How touching. A woman willing to die with her man.
Cordelia Chase: Oh, no. He's not my man. He-he's just a friend. And, about the willing to die part...
Charles Gunn: You must be Deevak. They told me you were ugly, but damn.
Deevak: And you're the big bad Gunn.

Cordelia Chase: I've also got this.
[Gunn looks unimpressed]
Cordelia Chase: Mace.
Charles Gunn: Mace?
Cordelia Chase: Squirt, squirt, right in the eyes?
Charles Gunn: You expectin' me to be jumped by a couple of purse-snatchin' demons?


"Angel: Spin the Bottle (#4.6)" (2002)
Gunn: What the hell are you talkin' about?
Cordelia: It's called kidnapping a minor, Hair Club for Men.

Cordelia: Maybe I was gonna tell you to back off, buddy. Maybe you were comin' on too strong. Harassing me in the workplace. Maybe I had a red-hot restraining order in my mitts. You ever think of that?
Angel: I was never - in the workplace. I - Well, there was that one time with the - with the ballet and-and the stripping and then the roundness. But that was a spell. And-and we were meeting in Malibu on the bluffs at night. That's a pretty romantic restraining order!

Cordelia: You have no idea how much this is killing me. I know my ABC's, my history. I know who's President and that I sort of wish I didn't. I know the name of every shoe store in the Beverly Center, but I don't - I don't even recognize the sound of my own name.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: So who are you?
Gunn: I'm the guy that's gonna be kickin' a whole mess of ass somebody don't tell me what's goin' on.
Cordelia: What do they call you for short?

Cordelia: Okay, we've heard from Scarlet "Oh, please shut me up."

Angel: [as Liam] It's the devil. It's the devil!
Cordelia: My hair?

Cordelia: I kinda have filled out even more.
Fred: And I apparently ain't gonna.

Cordelia Chase: [touches her short hairstyle] Oh, God. Oh, God. My hair. My hair.
[crying]
Cordelia Chase: The government gave me bad hair.

[watching Gunn and Wesley fight]
Cordelia: Are you going to stop this?
Angel: High time the English got what's coming to them. I'm rooting for the slave.

Cordelia: [after Angel walks into her room without knocking] So... you're perfectly OK with just wandering into my room any old time? That fits the "we were in love" theory and the harassment theory - pretty much equally.

Fred: [after losing all their adult memories] Um, I'm Fred Burkle.
[to Cordelia]
Fred: I'm also in school in San Anton.
Cordelia: Oh, we're both in school.
[Sarcastic]
Cordelia: Oh, gosh, let's be best friends so I can lose all my cool ones.

Angel: Mad. You're all mad. These clothes. Your speech. This place. What land is this?
Gunn: What land is it supposed to be?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [to Angel] Yes, where do you hail from, friend?
Angel: [Angerly] I'm not your friend, you English pig! We never wanted you in Ireland. We don't want you now.
Gunn: You Irish?
Cordelia: You don't sound Irish?
Angel: For most certain, I sound exactly-
[releasing he doesn't have an Irish accent, puts his hand to his throat in panic]
Angel: Something is wrong with my voice!

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: The important thing is to start with the facts. We're all from different cities, we're all of an age...
[rubs chin thoughtfully]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Judging from the amount of facial hair I've grown, we've all been unconscious for at least a month.
Cordelia: [Touches her short hairstyle] Oh, God. Oh, God. My hair. My hair.
[Crying]
Cordelia: The government gave me bad hair!
Fred: [Reassuringly] No, no, it's nice!
Cordelia: Are you sure?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It's... eh... very attractive. But a clue, nonetheless. Perhaps the whole point of this experiment is hair!

Cordelia: Keep explaining why we're not walking out that door?
Angel: [Darkly] Because they did something to us. They changed us.
Cordelia: You mean, this is about my hair?

Cordelia: [after discovering that Angel is a vampire] Is this a convenient time to point out that you left me alone with him, genius!
Angel: [trying to defend himself] Well, I-I never touched her.
Cordelia: So, clearly, deviant.

Cordelia: I suggest we gather some cops.
Gunn: Yo... I don't want no heat near me.
Fred: I don't think we should call the police anyhow. I mean, they're probably involved.
Gunn: In what?
Fred: Don't y'all think this is some kind of government conspiracy? 'Cause my friend, Levon, says the government's always taking kids and experimentin' on 'em. Did anybody else have to take a personality disorder test recently? They ask you about politics and your bowel movements and if you want to be a florist...


"Angel: Judgment (#2.1)" (2000)
Cordelia Chase: [to Angel] You don't have to work out, you're eternal.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: He's, uh, anagogic.
Cordelia Chase: Really? He looks like he's eating enough.

Cordelia Chase: Gun. It really lets them know you mean business.
Charles Gunn: It's my name. Charles Gunn. Two n's.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Uh, I'm Wesley Wyndam... Pryce, and this is Cordelia Chase.
Cordelia Chase: It's nice to finally meet.
Charles Gunn: I've seen you before.
Cordelia Chase: Really? The Tan 'n' Screen commercials?
Charles Gunn: I saw you in bed.
Cordelia Chase: What?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Oh, I-I can see this is none of my business.
Charles Gunn: You too.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Now, just a moment!
Charles Gunn: In the hospital - after Angel's building blew? He sent me there to keep an eye on you two.
Cordelia Chase: Right.
Charles Gunn: I'm just messing with y'all. I was hoping for some demon fighting tonight, but I wound up with a delivery job instead.

Cordelia Chase: [knock at the door] Who is it?
Charles Gunn: Gunn.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What was that?
Cordelia Chase: Something about a gun. What if it's a demon with a gun?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Listen up, whoever you are. We're well-armed and we know how to do battle so if you know what's good for you...
Charles Gunn: My name is Gunn. Angel sent me.

Angel, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Vision!
Cordelia Chase: Just a sneeze.

Angel: [about the gym] You got your steam; you got your sauna, your fresh towels. I mean, how bad could it be?
Cordelia Chase: You shower with a lot of men.
Angel: I'll always be a loner.

Cordelia Chase: Dennis is very sensitive, he's just trying to help. He's more a person that a G-H-O-S-T.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I may have someone who can help.
Angel: Who?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: A parasite demon named Merl.
Cordelia Chase: Maybe it's time to pay your stoolie a little visit. Make with the chin music until he canaries... I've been watching a little noir festival on Bravo.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: There's a place he hangs out. A safe haven for demons. I've been meaning to take you there, I think it may be of use to us. But...
Angel: But, what?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It's a little outside the box.

Cordelia Chase: Your stool pigeon feels safe in a karaoke bar?

Cordelia Chase: Oh, Lord, will no one shut me up?

Cordelia Chase: Wesley, you've heard Angel talk about Gun. He's a great guy with a really fly street tag.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What's he fly?
Cordelia Chase: It's how they know you on the street, dorko.

Angel: I told her to come here. She doesn't trust me. Why should she?
Cordelia Chase: You can't see everything. You're just a vampire, like everyone else. That didn't come out right.

Angel: I thought I was out of the tunnel.
Cordelia Chase: Sure, you did. Because the tunnel is... you know, i-it's something we all... Are we talking a real tunnel or symbolic? Just give me that much.
Angel: I-I-I saw the light at the end of the tunnel - that, some day, I might become human. That light was so bright, I thought I was already out.
Cordelia Chase: Yeah. We all got a little cocky, didn't we? It's gonna be a long while till you work your way out. But I know you well enough to know you will. And I'll be with you until you do.
Angel: What about your inevitable stardom?
Cordelia Chase: I'm not saying I won't have a day job.

Cordelia Chase: [while Angel sings karaoke] That man will do anything to save a life.

Cordelia Chase: [about Lorne] Who is this guy?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: He's connected to the mystic. When you sing, you bear your soul. He sees into it.


"Angel: Disharmony (#2.17)" (2001)
[last lines]
Cordelia: AAGGHH! Oh! Oh, my God! These are gorgeous! You have, the most amazing taste! You have, like, a gay man's taste! And that's saying something! I love them so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're the best! Mwah! I have to go try these on! La, la, la, la, la...! New clothes. I have new clothes! I have new clothes!
Angel: [to Wesley] I got her clothes.
Cordelia: New clothes! I have new clothes! New clothes, new clothes!

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I took the liberty of providing you with a new working space.
Angel: Great.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [Angel starts to go. Wesley stops him with] And I'd love a cup of coffee.
Angel: [wryly appreciates the joke] That's, that's very funny.
Cordelia: [Now, Cordelia passes in front of Angel saying] Two sugars in mine.
Charles Gunn: Mocha cappuccino, here.
Angel: [Slowly realizes they're not kidding, his smile fades and he turns to get coffees] Man, atonement's a bitch.

Cordelia: [on phone with Willow] Ohhh! Harmony's a vampire? That's why she- Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
[giggles and chuckling wryly]
Cordelia: All this time, I thought she was a great big lesbo...!
[long pause while Willow says something]
Cordelia: Oh, yeah? Really? Well... that's great. Good for you!
Willow Rosenberg: [into the phone] Thanks for the affirmation. Cordelia, Harmony's very dangerous. You have to get out of there.

Cordelia: [addresses Angel with cold attachment] Okay, you wanna know how I am? Tired, mostly. With "sweaty" running a close second. I'm also jazzed. Can't wait to get our business up and sputtering again. Ready to help those helpless...
[stepping into him]
Cordelia: But, just so we understand each other... You and I? We're not friends.
[Angel stares at her, stunned, unsure of what to say]

Cordelia: [to Gunn] Not the Muppet, dumb ass...!

Cordelia: You got a place to stay?
Harmony Kendall: [with a sly smile] You offering?
Cordelia: Do I have to say it?
Harmony Kendall: Yeah!
Cordelia: Okay, you're coming home with me.
[starting to head out]
Cordelia: I hope you don't mind the couch.

Cordelia: [Harmony, now a vampire sneaks into Cordelia's room] Harmony, what are you doing in my...
Harmony Kendall: Nothing.
Cordelia: Harmony...?
Harmony Kendall: I'm sorry. I... thought I could... control myself... I thought I could resist these urges...
Cordelia: Urges...?
Harmony Kendall: You have no idea how hard it is to stay away from you. I mean, seeing you there, looking so... so luscious.
Cordelia: Oh...
[Cordelia takes a moment, then suddenly it dawns on her that Harmony is a lesbian]
Cordelia: Ohh! You're a...
Harmony Kendall: [Harmony turns back barely able to look at her] I should have told you. I was scared... Scared that if you found out... what I was... , you'd kill me.
Cordelia: Oh, no! Harmony... God, you really think I'm that narrow-minded? I don't care about that.
Harmony Kendall: [squinting] You... You don't?
Cordelia: No. Not as long as you're happy.
Harmony Kendall: [Harmony snorts, bitterly] Happy, what's that? The last time I remember being truly happy was back in school with you.
[disgusted]
Harmony Kendall: Now, here I am, taking advantage of you.
Cordelia: No. It's just... It's just that I had no idea that you... , you know... thought of me... that way.
Harmony Kendall: I don't! I swear. I just... Well, I haven't had any for a while and... Forget it.
[she gets up and moves to the door]
Harmony Kendall: This is stupid. I'll just go back to the couch. I'm sorry really.
Cordelia: Don't be. If you want to stay and talk...
Harmony Kendall: No, I'd better... You know, I'd appreciate it if you didn't, mention this to anyone.
Cordelia: It's our secret.
[Harmony smiles gratefully and closes the door]

Cordelia: [Cordelia talking to Willow on the phone about Harmony] How come you guys didn't tell me about Harmony? Sunnydale's that far away, you couldn't afford a little phone call?
Willow Rosenberg: [on the phone] Harmony?
[she spits toothpaste into her towel]
Willow Rosenberg: What about Harmony?
Cordelia: [on the phone] She's here, in L.A.
Willow Rosenberg: [on the phone] Yikes. Big yikes! What happened? Did she come after you?
Cordelia: [on the phone] Geeyeah. She practically attacked me in my bedroom last night.
Willow Rosenberg: [on the phone] Your bedroom? How did she...?
Cordelia: [on the phone] While I was sleeping. Good thing I woke up, too. She was ready to jump me right there. But, I think she got the message that I don't go for that sort of stuff when I shot her down.
Willow Rosenberg: [on the phone] You wounded her?
Cordelia: [on the phone] She'll get over it. I never should have invited her to stay with me.
Willow Rosenberg: [on the phone] Say what?
Cordelia: [on the phone] Yeah, I know. Awkward much?
Willow Rosenberg: [on the phone] Cordelia! Okay. We're all clear on the fact that Harmony is a vampire, right?

Cordelia: [talking about Harmony] So, you just thought you'd bust into my house and kill my friend without giving her a chance to explain herself?
[Angel and Wesley share a look]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Yeah.
Angel: Pretty much.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: That was the plan.
Cordelia: Holster your guns, boys. She came to me for help.
[pause as she let's that sink in]
Cordelia: That's what we do, right? Help?

Cordelia: [to Wesley] Hey, I told you, Harmony is my friend and I trust her completely. Harmony can stay here.
Harmony Kendall: [nervous] I don't want to stay here alone with the ghost.

Cordelia: [after Harmony blows up the computer] Come on, Harm.
[Cordelia takes Harmony's arm and leads her away]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Such a fitting nickname. Bloody hell.

Cordelia: So what do you think?
Lorne: [about her singing] I think your friend should reconsider the name "Harmony".

Cordelia: Harmony... , I have to go. Work stuff. You okay here?
Harmony Kendall: You kidding? Free blood. And potato skins.
[regarding the karaoke list]
Harmony Kendall: Hey, I'm thinking about doing another number. What do you think: "Candle In The Wind" or "Princess Diana Candle In The Wind"?
Cordelia: Go nuts. Do 'em both.

Angel: Harmony will turn on you.
Cordelia: Why? Because you did?
Angel: Because it's her nature. She's a vampire.
Cordelia: So are you.
Angel: She doesn't have a soul.
Cordelia: Oh. That's it, is it? You're better than her because you have a soul.
Angel: [not defensive] Well... yeah.
Cordelia: I noticed yours didn't get in the way of betraying the people who work with you. Who cared about you. And, you know, you didn't just betray me, Angel. You didn't just hurt me... You gave away my clothes!
Angel: [hoping this will help] To the needy...
Cordelia: I am the needy!

Cordelia Chase: [Cordelia holds clothing Angel had bought her as forgiveness] Oh my God! These are gorgeous! You have the most amazing taste. You have like a gay man's taste, and that's saying something. I love them so much.

Cordelia: Do you know how scared I was you were on your way to becoming Angelus *again*? Imagine what could have happened if you'd gone nuts and slept with Darla.
Angel: [eyes darting evasively] You know I would never do that.


"Angel: You're Welcome (#5.12)" (2004)
Cordelia: I thought he had a soul.
Spike: I thought she didn't.
Cordelia: I do!
Spike: So do I!
Cordelia: Well, clearly, mine's better.

Cordelia: Spike's a hero and you're CEO of Hell, Incorporated. What frickin' bizarro world did I wake up in?

Lorne the Host: Hey, listen, crumbcake. When you're ready to splash back into that acting pool, just say the word. I'll have you lunching with Colin Farrell like that.
Cordelia: Who's Colin Farrell?

Cordelia: Doyle pissed me off so righteously going out like that. But he knew. He knew what he had to do. Didn't compromise. Used his last breath to make sure you'd keep fighting. I get that now.

Cordelia: Remember how I said, "Lets not have your department looking for those symbols I saw in my vision. Let's do this like we used to - you and me, crackin' the books"?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Yes.
Cordelia: Well, that was dumb. What'd you ever listen to me for?

Cordelia: I naturally assumed you'd be lost without me, but this?
Angel: I am lost without you.
Cordelia: You just forgot who you are.
Angel: Remind me.

Cordelia: You'll win this in the end. I, uh... just wish I could be there to see it.
Angel: What do you mean? You're not...
Cordelia: I can't stay. This isn't me anymore. You can say good-bye to the gang for me, explain everything once you understand.
Angel: That's gonna be never. I-I need you here.
Cordelia: Don't make it hard, Angel. I'm just on a different road... and this is my off-ramp. The Powers That Be owed me one, and I didn't waste it. I got my guy back on track.

Cordelia: Okay, this is getting us nowhere. Angel, torture her.
Angel: What?
Eve: What?
Cordelia: You heard me. Building's clearing out means we don't have a lot of time. Have at it.
Angel: I can't just... torture her.
Cordelia: Like, wha...
Fred: He's right, Cordy. If we sink to their level, then...
[Harmony grabs Eve throws her on the desk]
Angel: Harmony!
Harmony: Is this okay? I mean. I am evil, technically. I don't mind torturing her for the team.
Angel: Yeah. Okay.

Cordelia: Oh, and you're welcome.
Angel: [answers phone] Hello? Yes, I know. She's - But that's impossible. She's standin' right...
[Cordelia is gone]
Angel: I'm sorry. Yeah. Um, when did she die? Did she, um... She never did wake up? I see.
[hangs up]
Angel: Thank you.

Angel: Can we have a word with you, Eve?
Eve: Now's really not a good ti...
Cordelia: Let's go, Lilah Junior.

Cordelia: [to Eve] Get out of that chair, and I will feed you those Manolo Blahniks - which are stunning, by the way.

Angel: But the thing that really, really pisses me off is that this guy seems to be going by the name of Doyle.
Eve: Doesn't ring a bell.
Cordelia: It does to me. It rings a big, frickin' gong. And I wanna know who has the nerve to be using that name!

Cordelia: [to Lindsey] Sweetie, your epidermis is showing.

Cordelia: We take what we can get, champ, and we do our best with it. I'll be seeing you.
[starts to leave but comes back to kiss Angel]
Cordelia: Oh, what the hell. One for the road?

Cordelia: [to Spike] Heard you weren't evil anymore, which kinda makes the hair silly.
[Spike vamps out]
Cordelia: Uh, or nice.

Cordelia: Oh, my God. Gunn? You have hair.
Charles Gunn: Oh. Heh! Yeah. What'd you think, I was prematurely bald?
[an awkward pause]
Charles Gunn: I wasn't.


"Angel: Lonely Heart (#1.2)" (1999)
Cordelia: What's with those vision things of yours?
Allen Francis Doyle: Well, they're messages I get, you know, from the higher powers, whoever they are. You know, it's my gift.
Cordelia: If that was my gift, I'd return it.

Cordelia: Demons. Is there anything more disgusting?
Allen Francis Doyle: You think so?
Cordelia: Come on. Okay, look at this one. This demon wears a wreath of intestines around its head. I mean, honestly, what kind of statement is this thing trying to make?

Cordelia: Hey, you look troubled. Or is that just your lazy eye? Anyway, call us, we're very discreet.

Allen Francis Doyle: This isn't a marketing seminar, princess. You know, we need to operate a little bit more below radar.
Cordelia: What radar?
Allen Francis Doyle: The police. You know the service our friend Angel provides might put someone in mind of the "V" word.
Cordelia: Vampire?
Allen Francis Doyle: No, vigilante.

Allen Francis Doyle: You need to chat people up a little bit more casual-like, you know? "Hi, what's your name? How's life treatin' ya? Wh-What's that, you say? Minions from hell getting' you down?"
Cordelia: Excuse me, but I am an actress, a student of the human animal. I don't have to talk to people to know their story. Jazz Hands, over there? Mama's boy, Peter Pan complex. Self-absorbed closet dyke with a big The World Owes Me chip on her shoulder. And check out Sarah, Plain and Tall. Has or comes from big money.
Allen Francis Doyle: How do you know all that?
Cordelia: Well, you've gotta be rich to snag the Calvin Klein model she's leaving with.

Angel: This socializing thing is brutal. I mean, I was young, once. I used to go to bars. It was never like this.
Allen Francis Doyle: Nah, you used to go to taverns, man. Small towns, everybody used to know each other.
Cordelia: Yeah, like high school. It's easy to date there. I mean, we all had so much in common. Being monster food every other week, for instance.

Cordelia: I guess the single life's particularly tough on you.
Angel: Why?
Cordelia: Well, a couple hundred years ago, the only thing you had to worry about was a hangover. Today, 'cause of your curse thingy, you can't sleep with anyone or else you might feel a moment of true happiness and lose your soul, become evil - again - and kill everyone.
Angel: Thanks, Cordelia. I always appreciate your perspective.
Cordelia: No problem. Hey, the last thing I want is to show up at the office and find that I'm working for a homicidal monster.

Angel: [to Doyle] Where'd you pick up computer skills?
Cordelia: Downloading pictures of naked women?
Allen Francis Doyle: Well, that's more or less accurate.

Cordelia: That is so high school. "Cordelia wears bras. Ooo, she has girl parts."

Angel: You actually live here?
Cordelia: [insulted] Yes. Okay? Is it my fault that maid service was interrupted? It was supposed to go: home, hotel, hotel, husband.

Angel: I saw it. It's a burrower.
Cordelia: It's a donkey? Oh, we didn't see any donkey demons.

Cordelia: It's a parasite, moves from body to body, and when it starts to leave one for the next, not gonna gag here, but the first one goes kerplooey pretty fast.
Allen Francis Doyle: Yep. Curdles like cream on a hot day.
Cordelia: I believe I covered that with non-dairy "kerplooey"?

Cordelia: [Trying to interview people about usual occurrences at a bar, and not having any luck] How's Angel doing?
Angel: [Cut to Angel standing by the bar. A guy is walking away from him shaking his head] No seriously, I wasn't hitting on you!

Angel: I know you guys have been working hard. I mean, - you've been cooped up inside a lot. And to show my appreciation I was thinking, - the night being, you know, young and all - that the three of us - could - well, should, - You know, maybe, - go out, - you know,
[awkward pause]
Angel: ... for fun.
Cordelia: Or we can go home.
Allen Francis Doyle: And you can sit in the dark alone.
Angel: [breathing a sigh of relief] God, yes! Thank you.

Allen Francis Doyle: Great idea! Calling cards. It's not like you have a signal folks can shine in the sky when ever they need help, you know?
Angel: [Angel takes a card] Hey, look at that, there is our number. It's right next to a... a um - a - a butterfly?
Allen Francis Doyle: [Looks a Cordy's face then back down at the card he is holding] It's obviously not a butterfly, you idiot. It's a - a bird. No, no, wait, it's an owl. A - a bird that hunts at night. Brilliant! It's a- a...
Cordelia: [Interrupting angrily] It's an angel!


"Angel: Untouched (#2.4)" (2000)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: That's so typical of your kind.
Cordelia Chase: Well, at least I'm not a sheep like you.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I am not a sheep!
Cordelia Chase: You are such a sheep! You've never had a single opinion that you didn't read in a book.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: At least I've opened a book.
Cordelia Chase: Oh, don't even try with the snooty, wooly boy. I was top ten percent of my class!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What class? Advanced Bosoms?
Cordelia Chase: OH!
Angel: Hey! What the hell's goin' on here?
Cordelia Chase: We were just discussing whether or not we should offer to pay Gunn.
Angel: No, you weren't.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Well, our discussions tend to go about three minutes, then it's strictly name calling and hair pulling.
Cordelia Chase: Ebeneezer here doesn't wanna share the wealth.

Cordelia Chase: It's the vanilla that makes the mocha less latte-y.

Cordelia Chase: I can't get this bandage to... Stop moving!
Angel: I'm not.
Cordelia Chase: Well, then stop breathing.
Angel: I don't breathe.
Cordelia Chase: Then stop flexing your manly boob-muscles or whatever.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: That's an ugly looking wound.
Angel: It doesn't feel pretty either.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: We should definitely approach this girl with caution. I guess you already figured that out.
Angel: She's very powerful. We gotta find out everything we can about her.
Cordelia Chase: Like, oh, say, her name?
Angel: I was impaled at the time.
Cordelia Chase: Of course. Perfectly understandable.
Angel: Do you know how hard it is to think straight with a re-bar through your torso?
Cordelia Chase: Actually, I do. Benefits of a Sunnydale education. No address or anything?
Angel: She said she was staying with a friend.
Cordelia Chase: Well, that narrows it down to people with friends.
[to Wesley]
Cordelia Chase: Where do we keep that list?

Cordelia Chase: You can't fire me. I'm Vision Girl.

Angel: I'm going to bed. It's been a long day.
Cordelia Chase: You've been up for three hours.

Cordelia Chase: Top of the middle of the day to you too. And no, no leads worth mentioning. Of course, we lost a little time during my forty five minutes of sleep. Good thing I left some clothes here, or you'd be smelling me even now.

Cordelia Chase: There's something. She's got a vibe, I'm getting a vibe. She's vibey.

Charles Gunn: [about his axe] Isn't this the thing? Some of the kids in my camp put it together for me. Thought I might get the chance to stick it in somethin' tonight.
Cordelia Chase: Men are all alike.

Angel: Would you like some tea?
Bethany Chaulk: Yeah, please.
Cordelia Chase: You shouldn't worry. Angel does this kind of thing all the time.
Bethany Chaulk: Makes tea?
Cordelia Chase: Helps people. You know, he helps people with problems.
Bethany Chaulk: [to Cordelia] So what's wrong with you?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Where to begin?

Cordelia Chase: What did you say to her?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I mentioned her father.
Cordelia Chase: Well, who's her father?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: No, it's- The sort of trauma that can produce this level of psychic power usually involves abuse of some kind, very early on. You'd mentioned a sexual vibe, she made that crack about family business. Statistically speaking, the father was the best guess.
Cordelia Chase: There's not enough yuck in the world.

Angel: [to Wesley] You're gone.
Cordelia Chase: You can't fire Wesley! I'll quit, too! Unless you're firm.

Cordelia Chase: Don't bone my boss.
Bethany Chaulk: What?
Cordelia Chase: Angel. He's strictly a no-bone.

Bethany Chaulk: So, are you and Angel...?
Cordelia Chase: Oh, no. I like my men less broody and more spendy.

Cordelia Chase: Bethany! You can squash those guys!

Charles Gunn: The fair Cordelia. You still saving my life?
Cordelia Chase: Every minute.
Charles Gunn: How's that working out?
Cordelia Chase: You're alive, aren't you?


"Angel: Belonging (#2.19)" (2001)
Charles Gunn: What do you see?
Cordelia Chase: Moo...
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Moo? Some sort of cow monster?
Cordelia Chase: Move! I think the sashimi's coming up.
[throws up]
Angel: They'll take that off the bill, right?

Angel: I mean, walking I get, but Power Walking? Why not just run for a shorter time? Weird. Plus, one of them hit him.
Cordelia Chase: [gasps] A power walker did that?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Apparently she felt I disrespected the Haklar's culture by killing it.
Cordelia Chase: This town sucks.

[first lines]
Cordelia Chase: You want to try some of my sashimi?
Charles Gunn: That's the raw fish? Maybe when hell freezes over.

Cordelia Chase: [on the beach set for the commercial] What are you doing here?
Angel: Getting a tan... Not bursting into flames.
Cordelia Chase: So... What are you doing here?

Cordelia Chase: [to Angel and Wesley] I just wanted to act, that's all. For them to like me because I was good. I never wanted to feel like this.

Claire: If you plan on checking anything out, you've got about five minutes.
Cordelia Chase: Actually, we're been looking for someone who we think works here.

Cordelia Chase: Here it is. This is the book that Fred was holding in my vision.

Cordelia Chase: Yeah, Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel.

Lorne: [to Landok] Landok, is that you?
Angel: [to Lorne] You know him?
Lorne: Yeah. But just because I know his name, it doesn't mean you can't knock him unconcious. Please continue.
Landok: Can it really be you? Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan.
Lorne: It's clearly rabid. Do your thing, Angel.
Angel: Krevlornswath?
Cordelia Chase: Of the Deathwok Clan?
Lorne: I prefer Lorne.
Angel: Lorne?
Lorne: Yes. Lorne, if you must. Though I generally don't go by that because... green.
Cordelia Chase: Huh?
Angel: Right! Lorne Greene!
[Cordelia and Wesley look puzzled]
Angel: "Bonanza"!
[Cordelia and Wesley still look puzzled]
Angel: Fifteen years on the air not mean anything to anyone here?
[Cordelia and Wesley continue to look puzzled]
Angel: Okay, now I feel old.

Lorne: Angel, Cordelia, Wesley... Everybody, this is Landok.
Landok: Landokmar of the Deathwok Clan.
Cordelia Chase: There's that Deathwok Clan thing again. Does that mean that the two of you are...?
Lorne: [cuts off Cordelia] Cousins.
Angel: Your cousin?

Cordelia Chase: More food? Oh, you mean people?

Cordelia Chase: I think I understand.
Angel: Understand what?
Cordelia Chase: The vision. This book. I think it's how we send him back.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What do you mean?
Cordelia Chase: If he reads from the book where we know the portal exists, I think it'll send him back. My vision was telling me that that's what happened to that girl Fred. The portal works both ways.

[last lines]
Lorne: What say we all forget this ever happened?
Angel: I'm down with that. Wesley?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Fine with me. Cordy? Cordy?
Angel: Cordy!
Cordelia Chase: [cut to Cordelia, who is realizing she's not in the Karaoke Bar anymore] Oh, crap!

Cordelia Chase: [to Angel and Wesley] How was the big fight? Big and fighty?


"Angel: Fredless (#3.5)" (2001)
Angel: [talking about Fred] I'm gonna miss her. She was just this nice, quiet, kind of crazy. I found that soothing.
Cordelia: And what, I'm not soothing? I can be soothing. I could soothe your ass off, pal.

Fred: [talking obliquely about Buffy] So, now that she's alive again, are they gonna get back together? Angel and that girl with the goofy name?
Wesley: Well, *Fred*, that's a difficult question. I think it's fair to say... , no. Not a chance, never, no way, not in a million years, and also... nuh-uh.
Fred: But you said he loved her. And of course she's gonna love him back, 'cause he's so strong and handsome and he really listens when you talk. I-I mean, if you go for that sorta thing, why wouldn't it work?
Cordelia: Let me break it down for you, Fred.
[imitating Buffy]
Cordelia: Oh, Angel! I know that I am a Slayer, and you're a vampire and it would be impossible for us to be together, but...
Wesley: [imitating Angel] But... my gypsy curse, sometimes prevent me from seeing the truth. Oh, Buffy...
Cordelia: Yes, Angel?
Wesley: Oh, I love you so much I almost forgot to brood!
Cordelia: And just because I sent you to Hell that one time doesn't mean that we can't just be friends.
Wesley: Or possibly more?
Cordelia: Gasp! No! We mustn't!
Wesley: Kiss me!
Cordelia: Bite me!
Angel: [entering, surprising everyone] How about you both bite me?
Fred: You're back!
Charles Gunn: How'd it go?
Angel: I think those two pretty much summed it up. To be honest I really don't want to talk about it.

Cordelia: Guys, when was the last time Fred ever left the hotel by herself?
Charles Gunn: A couple weeks after never.

Cordelia: Pfft! Sneaking off, right.
[talking about Angel]
Cordelia: Fred can barely tie her shoes without Mr. Oh-You're-My-Big-Fat-Hero! around.
Angel: You think I'm fat?

Cordelia: Now we'll never, ever know.
Angel: [almost out the door] That's right.

Cordelia: [on Fred's invention] God, I really wish she wouldn't leave her toys laying around.
Charles Gunn: Ooh, pretty wicked-lookin' toy.
Wesley: I'll say. It almost looks like a spring-loaded decapitation device.
Cordelia: Or it makes toast. With her, you never know.

[first lines]
Wesley: You wouldn't dare. You were just gonna toss in a Prothgarian broadsword with a third century ceremonial Sancteus dagger?
Cordelia: Hmm... Let's see... Long, metal, pointy. Yep.

Cordelia: But, Angel, we're your friends. And, and it's not healthy to repress stuff like this. You need to share your pain, express those feelings of grief and longing or... the curiosity is gonna kill me!
Angel: Oh,no. Wouldn't want that.
Fred: Personally, I don't care at all what happened.
Cordelia: Shut up, Fred.

Lorne: Well, isn't this a lovely surprise.
Cordelia: He's surprised. I didn't think he owned terry cloth.
Lorne: Hmm. Such a small entourage tonight. Hey, Gunn, why didn't you bring your other friends? 'Cause they make a party.
Charles Gunn: Maybe I should wait outside.
Lorne: You know, I'm not entirely uncomfortable with that suggestion.
Trish Burkle: What kind of a place is this?
Lorne: I was kind of going for a Dresden-after-the-bombing sorta feel.

Roger Burkle: [after a monster appears] Tell me that's something from the movies?
Cordelia: No, that's something that's gonna kill us.

Cordelia: Voilá! That's French for "I think we stopped the bleeding".
Fred: Thanks, Cordelia.
Cordelia: Next up, Multiple stab wounds. Angel!
Angel: Uhh! That's my turn! Oh, yay!
Cordelia: What a dork.

Cordelia: [whispers to Fred] Between you and me, I'm almost a little jealous.

Cordelia: In a really weird way, you know who I miss?
Wesley: Fred.
Cordelia: Actually, I was gonna say her parents. Is that wrong?
Angel: I don't think so. They were very - nice.
Cordelia: Nice? They weren't just nice, Angel. They were...
Charles Gunn: Parents.
Wesley: They loved her, supported her, didn't grind her down into a - tiny self-conscious nub with their constant berating, their never ending tirade of debasement, and scorn and...
Cordelia: At least now, Fred's got a shot at a normal life. Not that I don't love you guys, and L.A., and my work... but, things are just never normal around here, you know?

[last lines]
Cordelia: Did somebody order pizza? Hey, Fred, pizza?
Fred: In a minute. I just want to finish this section.


"Angel: Birthday (#3.11)" (2002)
Angel: Cordy, look, I know that you can't hear me, but, there's something I have to say. You really piss me off, you know that? I thought we trusted each other. But you've been lying. MRIs and CAT scans and it's been going on for over a year? Why couldn't you let me in? I coulda helped you. God, you make me so furious.
Cordelia Chase: [to Angel] You're furious? I get body-jacked on my birthday, and you're the one that's furious?

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel, what are you doing on the floor?
Angel: I had this dream that Cordy was here. She was trying to umm... tell me something, something really important.
Cordelia Chase: Yes, and, and...
Angel: It's weird.
Cordelia Chase: How are *you* a champion? In what way are you a champion?

Skip: We've been over this. I respect what you're trying to do. It's noble and heroic and all that other Russell Crowe "Gladiator" crap.
Cordelia Chase: You've seen...
Skip: Didn't love it.

[first lines]
Cordelia Chase: I'd just like to say thank you. You believed in me when no one else would. Even in my darkest hours, you were there for me, and that means more to me than you'll ever know. I guess what I'm really trying to say is, "I love you". To all my fans, this is for you!

Cordelia Chase: I'm fine. You guys.
Angel: Cordy?
Cordelia Chase: I'll be okay.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Can you hear me?
Angel: Is she breathing?
Cordelia Chase: I'm just... dead?

Angel: Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Dirty people! Not touching the baby!
Cordelia Chase: But pig-drinking bloodsuckers are okay? I meant that in a nice way.

Cordelia Chase: [holding baby Connor] Uh... what a cruel dilemma! Presents, or sweet little baby-face...
[starts to get headache-vision]
Cordelia Chase: Oh. Take the baby!
Angel: You're choosing birthday gifts over my kid?
Cordelia Chase: Take the baby! Take the baby!

Cordelia Chase: You're... you're Death? You've come to take me.
Skip: [demonically] Ha ha ha!
[normal voice]
Skip: Just kidding. I'm Skip. You're Cordelia Chase, right? Sorry it took me so long, I... This you?
[points to Cordelia's body on the bed]
Skip: Most people go astral, their spiritual shapes tend to be an idealized version of themselves you know, straighten the nose, lose the gray, sort of a self-esteem kind of thing. You're pretty confident, aren't you?

Cordelia Chase: Is this...? This is a mall.
Skip: We just figured you'd be more comfortable here.
Cordelia Chase: We?
Skip: The Powers That Be.
Cordelia Chase: The Powers That Be popped me out of my body and sent me to a mall?
Skip: Actually, this is more a construct of a mall. You know, like in "The Matrix".
Cordelia Chase: You've seen "The Matrix"?
Skip: Loved that flick. When Trinity's all "Dodge this!", and the agent goes and crumples to the... and I'm not really instilling any awe any more, am I?

Cordelia Chase: [talking aloud to herself] I want something. Hypo-something. Hypothermia?
Nev: [into his cell phone] Josh, let's get a large tub of ice water in Ms. Chase's dressing room, pronto.
Cordelia Chase: No, that's not it.
Nev: [into his cell phone] Canceling ice water.
Cordelia Chase: Hyper... hyperbaric?
Nev: [into his cell phone] Josh, make it an oxygen tent.
Cordelia Chase: No, that's not it either.
Nev: [into his cell phone] Canceling tent.
Cordelia Chase: Hyperion! That's it.
Nev: The hotel.
Cordelia Chase: Yes, I want to go there.
Nev: Terrific. When would you like me to... Now? Now you would like to... Without security? Without an entourage of me? Right, I'll give 'em a call.
[into cell phone]
Nev: Josh, car, side door, now!

Charles Gunn: Hey, is it true that you and Wes were... You know, that you had a little...
Cordelia Chase: Humiliating kiss where he drooled all over my chin? Yeah, but I've worked really hard to repress it.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Right. Well, as much as I love this forced death march down memory lane...
Charles Gunn: What is it with you Sunnydale folks and repression? I mean, you three are the most denying-est folks I ever met.

Cordelia Chase: So, demonize me already.
Skip: [after a beat] It was an honor being your guide, Cordelia Chase.

[last lines]
Angel: Uh, Cordy.
Cordelia Chase: What?

Crew Man: Great show, Cordy.
Cordelia Chase: Thanks, you too.
Nev: There are stars and there are stars, and then there is you.
Cordelia Chase: Oh, that's sweet, Nev. Am I paying you enough?
Nev: Well, as a matter of fact...
Cordelia Chase: Good. What's cooking?
Nev: Okay, you've got a costume fitting. Producers want to run some ideas by you for next week's show.
Cordelia Chase: [to a fan, signing an autograph] Hi, how are you? What's your name?
Nev: We wanna record that breast cancer P.S.A., but tomorrow's pretty booked, so maybe next week.
Cordelia Chase: No, make it tomorrow. I want to get it on the air. Nev, do you ever get that nagging feeling you that you're supposed to be somewhere doing something, but you can't remember what?
Nev: No, I'm highly organized. That's why you pay me pretty well. But with the holidays coming, I really...
Cordelia Chase: I have to go, I'm sorry. I have to go.


"Angel: Offspring (#3.7)" (2001)
Angel: You know, I've been around a long time...
Cordelia Chase: Which reminds me, next birthday, you think we could skip the two hundred and fifty odd candles on the cake and the inevitable fire marshall and just go with a little song?
Angel: And I've never known anyone like you.
Cordelia Chase: Well, duh.

Cordelia Chase: [Angel is leering at Cordelia] Okay, it's getting creepy now.
Angel: I was just thinkin' about things. People. You know, how they relate. Take you and me, for instance. You know, we're very different. *Very* different, obviously. Human, vampire. Woman, man... pire.
Cordelia Chase: Has someone been putting vodka in your blood?
Angel: [nervous laughter] See? You're funny! And I - Well, I get off a good one every once in a while, but you...

Angel: Darla.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Darla?
Cordelia Chase: Darla?
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Who's Darla?
Charles Gunn: Angel's old flame from way back.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Not the one who died?
Charles Gunn: Yeah. No, not that one, the other one that died and came back to life. She's a vampire.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Do y'all have a chart or somethin'?
Charles Gunn: In the files. I'll get it for you later.

Cordelia Chase: Time's a wasting, big guy. Can we do it?
Angel: Okay, last time, we were working on not pulling your punches and your kicks, right? Don't worry about me.
[Cordelia begins throwing punches]
Angel: That's good. Good. That's it. Now where's your weight? Balls of your feet. Don't forget to follow...
[Cordelia punches Angel in the face]
Cordelia Chase: Oops! Oh, God! You said that...
[Angel smiles at Cordelia and appears unhurt]
Cordelia Chase: Are you alright?
Angel: I'm a vampire. You can't hurt me. Good.
[Cordelia laughs and as Angel turns away from her his face twists up in pain and he grabs his nose]

Cordelia Chase: Angel, are you trying to say you love me?
Angel: What?
Cordelia Chase: I love you, too.
Angel: You do? When did this...?
Cordelia Chase: [to Wes, Gunn, and Fred] Angel loves me, I love him!
Angel: Oh, my God.
Cordelia Chase: You guys love us and we love you.
Charles Gunn, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: We love you, Angel!

Cordelia Chase: Hey, what are friends for?
Darla: You ask me, they're for knocking you up and leaving you high and dry.
[to Angel]
Darla: Hello, lover. Long time no see.

Darla: [seeing the pregnant Darla] This is impossible.
Angel: Tell me about it, Daddy.
Cordelia Chase: You slept with her?

Cordelia Chase: What can we do for you?
Darla: Well, you can get your little gang of supernatural detectives to find out what the hell is happening to me and how to stop it.
Cordelia Chase: [to Angel] Are you going to take some responsibility here? Angel?
Angel: Oh, me? Of course I am. Wes, let's get on this right now.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What do you suggest?
Angel: I suggest you ah, use your books and find out what's going on. What do I have to think of everything?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [opening a book] Oh, here it is. It says: "I have absolutely no idea what's going on". We should talk to The Host.

Fury #1, Fury #2, Fury #3: Mmmm, Angel!
Cordelia Chase: And here we have three more of Angel's chippies. You girls are on the pill, I hope.
Fury #1, Fury #2, Fury #3: Mmmm...

Darla: [singing] Oh, Danny Boy, what the Hell's inside me?
Lorne: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We're way beyond singing mes enfants. This is a brand new day, here. Alright, everybody. That's a wrap. We'll finish the spell tomorrow. We got a little crisis brewing. Thanks for coming. Check's in the mail. Get the hell out.
Fury #1: Bye, Angel...
Fury #2: ...Come see...
Fury #3: ...Us soon.
Fury #1, Fury #2, Fury #3: Mmmm...
Cordelia Chase: [to Lorne] Men.

Cordelia Chase: How are you feeling?
Darla: Just crazy.
Cordelia Chase: What?
Darla: Why would anyone bring something into the world?
Cordelia Chase: I was pregnant once. I was out to here overnight. Mystical thing. I didn't go to term, but while it lasted, woo... talk about uncomfortable. Your back and legs hurt all the time. And first, you're sick to your stomach and you can't eat anything in the world. And then you're ravenous. Are you able to eat, or do you just...
Darla: What? Drink?

Angel: [to Darla, who is biting Cordelia] Get away from her!
[to Cordelia]
Angel: You're gonna be alright. You're gonna be alright. Cordy, you're gonna be alright. Here. I'll kill her for this.
Cordelia Chase: You're gonna have to find her first.

Cordelia Chase: [to Wesley] It was a dream, but it was more like a vision.


"Angel: Dear Boy (#2.5)" (2000)
Angel: It was Darla. She's back. And she's human now. But, you know, I know her scent.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel, you can't just, sniff a person and know...
Angel: [sniffing Wesley] You had sex last night with a bleached blonde.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Good lord! How'd you...
Cordelia Chase: That's unbelievable. I didn't think you ever had sex.

Detective Kate Lockley: Oh, looky here.
[reads]
Detective Kate Lockley: "Disturbing the peace, resisting arrest, G.T.A., assault." You've lead a rich full life, haven't you, Charles?
Charles Gunn: I get around.
Cordelia Chase: I know this guy, he helps people. I bet this stuff you're dredging up happened a long time ago, didn't it.
Detective Kate Lockley: Some of it was when he was a minor.
Cordelia Chase: Uh-huh.
Detective Kate Lockley: And some of it was in the last two weeks.
Cordelia Chase: Oh.
Detective Kate Lockley: Word to the wise, Charles, hanging out with these two and their creature-of-the-night boss won't be good for the resume.
Charles Gunn: I can see you're lookin' out for me, detective.
Cordelia Chase: Okay, okay, let's not get off track here. We wanna find Angel as much as you do.
Detective Kate Lockley: No, you don't. You wannna protect him even though he's lost it. He stalked that woman because he thought she was this Darla from his past. She begged him to stay out and he knocked down the door and killed her husband. I've read about him, too. I know what he is and I know he hasn't changed.
Charles Gunn: No he hasn't, he's still a vampire.
Cordelia Chase: Gunn! Not helping.
Charles Gunn: So, how'd he get in the house? She invite him in?
Detective Kate Lockley: 'Course she didn't in...

Cordelia Chase: [knock at door] It's us.
[Angel opens door]
Cordelia Chase: We haven't see you all day, we were just wondering if everything was, you know, copacetic.
Angel: I didn't go bad, Cordelia.
Cordelia Chase: Oh, I was never worried about that, Boss.
[She pushes something into Wesley's hands]
Cordelia Chase: Of course Mr. Fussy Pants always assumes the worst.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What? I didn't... I never...
Angel: Is there anything else?
Cordelia Chase: Nope. Can't think of a thing.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel, be careful.
Angel: What do you mean?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It's just, with Darla back, in league with Wolfram and Hart, there are a lot of forces arrayed against you. There's going to be trouble.
Angel: Yeah. There's gonna be a lot of trouble. And I say bring it on.

[first lines]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: We made you some tea.
Angel: Oh. Great.
Cordelia Chase: It's on the table right there in front of you.
Angel: Table seems far.
Cordelia Chase: Oh, you must be all worn out from sleeping for the last three days. It's like living with the world's oldest teenager.
[to Wesley]
Cordelia Chase: He can't be having a growth spurt at two hundred and forty eight, could he?
Angel: Two forty seven!

Cordelia Chase: What if, every time you identified a demon in one of your big old books we gave you ten bucks... or a chicken pot pie?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Wait, I have another idea. No! Get a vision.
Cordelia Chase: Well it's not like you can hit me in the head and "wham!" it happens.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What if we test that theory with one of my big old books?

Angel: [after Cordy has a vision] Are you all right? You sure you don't wanna sit down?
Cordelia Chase: If I sit, I'll throw up in my head.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [pointing to a demon in a book] Did it look like this?
Cordelia Chase: No. More mushy and more mouldy. It was growing right out of the wall.
Angel: Maybe, I'll just...
Cordelia Chase: Mush monster's not going anywhere. It's the place that we've gotta find. Its disciples are human; they're killing each other. I think the fight is over how to worship it.
Angel: This is why, personally, I rarely go to church.
[nobody laughs]
Angel: Thought it was funny.

Charles Gunn: You are not paying me enough for this! My Uncle Theo always said, "Never buy a dull plow, and never get in the middle of a religious war".
Cordelia Chase: Do you really have an Uncle Theo?
Charles Gunn: Nah. But it's still good advice.

Cordelia Chase: Well, at least they're killing each other, and not...
Thrall Demon: Intruders!
Cordelia Chase: ...Us!

Cordelia Chase: [to Angel] That's a terrific way to treat our paying customers!
[sarcastically]
Cordelia Chase: Especially since we have so many of them. See his file? He has Visa, MasterCard, a problem. He's out target audience.

Cordelia Chase: [while Angel is smelling her hair] Personal bubble! Personal bubble!

Cordelia Chase: [after going undercover] Guys, that was really fun. The public humilitation, running from the hotel security staff, and the nifty little outfit which seemed to tell so many conventioneers, "Pet me, I'm a whore".

Charles Gunn: As evil blood-suck vampires go, how would you rate Angelus?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Historically, as bad as they come. Especially when he was with his sire, Darla.
Cordelia Chase: We're researching her now to see if she has some kind of resurrection powers. Maybe she's a vampire cat with nine lives, or something!
Charles Gunn: So, he and Darla together, bad combo?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: They rampaged through half the known world, until Angel got his soul.
Cordelia Chase: Imagine Bonnie and Clyde if they had a hundred and fifty years to get it right.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: This is all just precautionary. When push comes to shove, Angel's a... We trust him.
Charles Gunn: I see.
Cordelia Chase: It's not like he turns evil every time he gets this cranky.
Charles Gunn: He turns evil?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Well, there are forces than can make Angel revert to Angelus, the vampire he was before he got a soul.


"Angel: Heartthrob (#3.1)" (2001)
Cordelia: [putting the necklace Angel gave her around her neck] Oh, my gosh, it's gorgeous! And look how it brings out my breasts! You know you were all thinkin' it! Thank you.

[first lines]
Cordelia: I understand people who drink too much. I understand people who put a little note on the parking meter that says it's broken when it's not. I don't understand people who worship demons.
Charles Gunn: Yeah, especially a Lurite demon. The stink on that thing. You're a prince of the underworld, bro, take a Jacuzzi once in a while
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It's sad. The only way some people can find a purpose in life is by becoming obsessed with demons.
[Cordelia yarns]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: By the way, Gunn, technically that wasn't a Lurite, it was a Murite. A subspecies of the Lurite. The male sports a small telltale fin just behind the third shoulder.
Charles Gunn: So glad to know we're not the sad people obsessed with demons.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Well, we have to be a little obsessed, we're detectives who specialize in these things.
Cordelia: But... we're not sad.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: No. No, we're a happy and rambunctious lot if I ever saw one.

Cordelia: [about Angel] As soon as he works through his grief a little.
Charles Gunn: A little? Buff...
Cordelia: Don't say the "B" word!
Charles Gunn: The "B" word was the love of his life. And he's what, two hundred and fifty? That ain't no short life. This grief-work's gonna take more than a vacation in Sri Lanka.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It isn't a vacation, it's a spiritual retreat at a monastery.
Charles Gunn: Hmm. Angel and a buncha monks in the middle of nowhere. There's a party. He shoulda got hammered and gone to Vegas like I told him.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: He doesn't need a lap dance, he needs some peace and quiet to work through this.

Cordelia: You guys amaze me. You'll fight hell beasts but you're scared of rats.
Charles Gunn: Man, I hate rats. Their little beady eyes.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: And their beady teeth.
Charles Gunn: And their little tails all...
[makes whooshing noises, wiggles his butt]

James: Well, this is a new twist in an old snake. Is it possible you care about someone who isn't you?
Angel: Don't worry about her
James: But if you've changed, if you're not the same man who screwed Darla and couldn't care less what happened to her...
Angel: Where did you hear- Oh, you mean back in the day. Right.
Cordelia: He has changed. A lot. He-he has a soul now and he cares about people.
James: [to Angel] So you might feel something when I snap her neck.
Cordelia: Well, it's not like he's losing sleep with the caring.
James: Lucky me, now I can kill the woman you love.
Angel: No you can't.
James: Are you forgetting who's the invincible one here?
Angel: The woman I love... is dead
James: Who are you talking about?
Cordelia: It happened about three months ago. We try not to say her name too much.

Cordelia: How's Fred?
Angel: She's all right, considering. We talked over what happened... and I think she'll be coming out of her room any decade now.

Angel: [about Buffy] What?
Cordelia: What?
Angel: What do you wanna say?
Cordelia: Ah, me? Nothing. What makes you think I wanna...
Angel: 'Cause I know you?
Cordelia: Well, it's really none of my business.
Angel: And that always stops you.
Cordelia: Actually, it is my business, *our* business, 'cause we're tryin' to do a job here, and what affects you affects me, and - Anyway, I don't like to see you suffer more than you have to. I don't think you should blame yourself, or feel guilty for her death.
Angel: I don't.
Cordelia: Good. Glad to hear it.
Angel: I didn't even know who she was when I killed her.
Cordelia: Not her. Angel...
Angel: Oh... You - you wanna talk about...
Cordelia: She was the love of your life and she died. And, you weren't there when it happened. You couldn't help her fight. You couldn't save her. You couldn't die with her.
[long pause]
Cordelia: This is gonna be one of those talks where I do all the talking, isn't it? Well, I'm not gonna pry. It's not my style. Okay, it's totally my style, but I can tell that I'm not getting anywhere right now. But you have to tell me one thing. You owe me this much. What the hell happened with Holtz?

Cordelia: The Ring of Amara. When you had that, you were invincible. Does he have a ring?
Angel: No.
Cordelia: Did the Amara people make cufflinks or belt buckles?
Angel: There was only one.
Cordelia: And you had to smash it!

Cordelia: Ever since you came back from your grief trip, I can tell that something's not right. And-and *obviously* it's not. Buffy's dead, and I don't mean to diminish that. I miss her too. I just wanna say, I know that James, with all his Romeo and Juliet madness, opened up a lot of wounds for you, but you'll be okay.
Angel: I am okay.
Cordelia: Then - What's the problem?
Angel: That I'm okay. That losing Buffy didn't kill me. That I could deal with it. In all those years, no one ever mattered. Not like she did. And now she's gone... forever.
Cordelia: And you're still here.
Angel: Yeah. It just feels like I'm betraying her somehow.
Cordelia: No! If you were a loser, if you were a sick obsessed vampire, then you'd go to a Snod demon, or whatever, and get your heart cut out. But you're not! You're a living, breathing... - well, living, anyway... - good guy, who's still fighting and trying to help people. And that's not betraying her, that's honoring her.
Angel: You think?
Cordelia: I'm Cordelia. I don't think. I know. Okay?

Charles Gunn: I realize we sacrifice a great deal of our social lives, but we have to. Work demands it.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: True. I mean who's got time for love when you're out there doing it with the demons? Didn't that come out sad and wrong?
Cordelia: Yeah.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I need to get out more. Speaking of, did anyone talk to Fred, lately?

Cordelia: [to herself] How did I ever live without a ghost?

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Gunn and I'll hit the streets; see what our sources can tell us.
Cordelia: Uh-huh. See? We have sources now.
Angel: Oh, you're almost like real detectives now.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [about Pylea] Fred was there five years. She was a slave, a runaway. They nearly chopped her head off. All those years she spent hiding out alone in that cave.
Charles Gunn: She survived. Girl's strong.
Cordelia: Girl's trading one cave for another. How strong is that?


"Angel: I Fall to Pieces (#1.4)" (1999)
Cordelia: You're a lot smarter than you look. Of course, you look like a retard.

Cordelia: What did you put in her tea?
Allen Francis Doyle: Enough whiskey to drop my Aunt Judy. That woman had some girth.
Cordelia: What's the point?
Allen Francis Doyle: Well, it tastes good, and it relaxes ya.
Cordelia: No, I mean of ever going out with anyone.
Allen Francis Doyle: Well, people need people. And people who need people... are the luckiest p...
Cordelia: Either you like them, and they don't like you. Or you can't stand them, which just guarantees that they're gonnahover around and never go away.
Allen Francis Doyle: I-I hate guys like that.

Cordelia: I know Angel's been working day and night to help people fight their personal demons. But *I* need a raise.
Allen Francis Doyle: A raise? You've been working for him for, what, 20 minutes?
Cordelia: A month. And I have needs.
Allen Francis Doyle: Needs?
Cordelia: A person... needs... certain... designer... things.
Allen Francis Doyle: Personally, I don't think you need much in the way of clothes.

Cordelia: We need more of these.
Allen Francis Doyle: Eh, we'll have more soon enough.
Cordelia: Well, we need them now. Have a vision.
Allen Francis Doyle: I just can't perform on demand.
Cordelia: We need the clients. Have a vision.
Allen Francis Doyle: That money's corrupted you.
Cordelia: If I hit you in the head, would you have a vision?
Allen Francis Doyle: Get away from me. You're insane.

Cordelia: See? You can save the damsel *and* make decent money. Is this a great country, or what?
Allen Francis Doyle: Hey, let's march down to the bank right now and deposit this beauty.
Angel: You guys go on. I think I'll stay here and *not* burst into flames.
Allen Francis Doyle: Oh, right, you're pretty much the night-deposit guy.

Allen Francis Doyle: He likes playin' the hero. Walkin' off into the dark, his long coat flowin' behind him in that mysterious and attractive way.
Cordelia: Is this a private moment? 'Cause, I could leave you alone.
Allen Francis Doyle: No, I'm not sayin' I'm attracted...

Angel: I'm not comfortable askin' people for money.
Cordelia: Then get over it! I mean that in a sensitive way.

Angel: Am I intimidating? I mean, do I put people off?
Cordelia: Well, as vampires go, you're pretty cuddly. Maybe you might wanna think about mixing up the black-on-black look.

Cordelia: Maybe he has an accomplice, or he has a hidden camera. Not everything has to be creepy and supernatural, you know.
Angel: Not everything, but Doyle had a vision.
Cordelia: Which last time led to a sex-changing, body-switching, tear-out-your-innards demon, right. I guess they don't call you for their every day cases.

Cordelia: What is stalking nowadays, like, the third most popular sport among me?
Angel: Fourth, after luge.

Cordelia: It's just so unfair. I mean, this poor girl, she hooks up with a doctor. That should be a good thing. You should be able to call home and say, "Mom, guess what? I met a doctor." Not, "Guess what? I met a psycho. He's stalking me and, oh, by the way, his hands and feet come off and he's not even in the circus."

Angel: [Pours himself a cup of coffee, drinks and makes a face] What is this?
Cordelia: Last weeks coffee. Think of it as Espresso.
Angel: I think my esophagus is melting.

Cordelia: I don't get it. This guy has a lot to lose. What is it about Melissa that got him to go all O.J. on her?
Angel: Nothing. It's not about Melissa, it's about rage. This guy is too messed up to deal with a real woman and he can't stand that. So he creates a fantasy about a girl he barely knows. But eventually even she fails him. So he has to hurt her, because when he looks at her all he sees is how useless he is, how damaged...
Cordelia: [interrupting] Uh, what a fun date you must have been in back in your bad vamp days.


"Angel: Carpe Noctem (#3.4)" (2001)
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Nothing. Just taking a little stroll and...
[looks at open magazine]
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Why do girls wanna look like that? I spent years in a cave starving. What's their excuse?
Cordelia Chase: Fashion.

Cordelia Chase: [about Fred] She's got the big puppy love. I mean, who wouldn't? You're handsome, and brave, and heroic, emotionally stunted, erratic, prone to turning evil and, lets face it, a eunuch.
Angel: Hey, how can you... I'm not a eunuch.
Cordelia Chase: Angel, it's just a figure of speech.
Angel: Find a better one.

Angel: [as Marcus] A talk with Fred?
Cordelia Chase: Yes! Just keep it simple. One: you're not like other men. Two: there's no room in the workplace for romance.
Angel: Romance with Fred. So I'm a...
[Looks down at his clothes]
Angel: Obviously.

[first lines]
Charles Gunn: Hey, Fred.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Sorry, did I startle you guys?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: No.
Cordelia Chase: Only in the sense of shocking and jolting us. What's up?

Angel: [as Marcus] Now what did I do with the darn case file...?
Cordelia Chase: [quietly] You gave it to me yesterday.
Angel: [as Marcus] Ha, must be getting old.

Angel: [as Marcus] Hey. How're you doing?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Alright. Well... you?
Angel: [as Marcus] So, we gotta talk. The thing is, I've got nothing against you personally. It's just...
[Wes looks at him]
Angel: ...Oh, this is gonna be harder than I-I thought. I just don't know how to spit this out.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel. Whatever it is, you know I'm here for you.
[Wes goes to touch Angel's knee]
Angel: [as Marcus gets out of the chair before Wesley touches him] Yeah. That may be the problem. I mean, whatever we... had... whatever we... did. I just think that we should keep that... behind us. Start from scratch. You know, two men working side by side. But, you know, none of that funny stuff.
[Wesley looks at Angel oddly]
Angel: Shake on that?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I guess.
[Wesley takes Angel's hand, who gives it a hearty shake, then pulls Wesley into a hug.]
Angel: [as Marcus] Hey, all right. Gimme a hug.
Cordelia Chase: Wesley, food's here.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Okay.
Angel: [as Marcus] Wesley?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Yes?
Angel: [as Marcus] Do you know where Fred is?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Um up in her room I'd expect.
Angel: [as Marcus] Her room. Right. Somebody say something about food? I could eat a horse.

Cordelia Chase: [after watching Angel eat a burrito] Um... why are you eating?
Angel: [as Marcus] 'Cause I'm hungry.

Cordelia Chase: I'll interview the hookers. Are there any men who aren't just dogs?
Angel: [as Marcus] Not very many, I'm afraid.
[to Wesley]
Angel: You know a woman is more than a piece of meat. I'm sorry. That's just how I feel.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [finding out where Angel as Marcus had sex] I don't believe it, on my desk?
Charles Gunn: Well, it did used to be his. Maybe he was just kind of... reclaiming it?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: How? By marking it? This isn't like him.
Cordelia Chase: What? This is totally like him. Doing the mystery dance with some cheap blonde.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Brunette, she was a cheap brunette.
Cordelia Chase: You're right, this isn't like him.

Cordelia Chase: Are you alright?
Marcus Rosco: [as Angel] I gotta pee.

Cordelia Chase: God, I love technology.

[last lines]
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: It's like something out of Fitzgerald, - the man who can have everything but love. Well, maybe in some ways you're better off. Love is... well in a way it's everything. But it's also heartache and disappointment. And those are good things to avoid.
Cordelia Chase: Angel, Willow's on the phone... She's alive! Buffy's alive!
[Angel jumps up and runs after Cordelia into the hotel]
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Buffy?

Cordelia Chase: If Julia Roberts ever makes a realistic movie about being an escort; I think it should be called "Pretty Skanky Woman".


"Angel: I Will Remember You (#1.8)" (1999)
Cordelia: Batten down the hatches. Here comes Hurricane Buffy.
Allen Francis Doyle: You think? Maybe he's over her.
Cordelia: You have so much to learn, little Irish man.

Cordelia: [about Angel] Where's the crabby scowl, the morbid gloom?

Cordelia: They didn't even have cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip in your day.
Angel: Oh! I want some. Can you get that?
Cordelia: It'll go straight to your thighs.

Cordelia: This plant was thriving just this morning. Now look at it. I'm telling you, where she leads, dark forces follow.
Allen Francis Doyle: Buffy gave it mites?
Cordelia: How else do you explain it?
Allen Francis Doyle: Jealousy?
Cordelia: I'm jealous of her? Oh, please.
Allen Francis Doyle: It's just a theory.

Cordelia: [about Buffy and Angel] Let me explain the lore here, okay? They suffer, they fight, that's business as usual. They get groiny with one another, the world as we know it falls apart.

Cordelia: I've decided not to feel sorry for myself. I'm taking matters into my own hands, organizing a little "going out of business" sale to subsidize the severance package Angel never bothered setting up for me.

Cordelia: That's our little Buffy.
Allen Francis Doyle: She seemed a little...
Cordelia: Bulgarian in that outfit?

Cordelia: Oh, you wanna talk about being mature? Maybe it's time you grew up and realized that you can't have everything. You can't have Angel *and* save the world.

Angel: No need to stir any of this up again.
Cordelia: You don't wanna stir, but if my ex came to town and was all stalking me in the shadows and then left and then he didn't even say hello, I'd be...
Buffy Summers: A little upset. Wouldn't you?

Cordelia: Oh, please. They've got the forbidden love of all time. They've been apart for months. Now he's suddenly human, I'm sure they're down there just havin' tea and crackers.

Allen Francis Doyle: I'll finally be free to go out and make me own mark in the world.
Cordelia: We had a cat that used to do that. Oh, God! What am I gonna do? I'm good for exactly two things: international superstardom, or helping a vampire with a soul to rid the world of evil. That makes for a short but colorful résumé.

Allen Francis Doyle: [Buffy is talking to Angel] Where we going?
Cordelia: Oh, they'll be into this for a while. We still have time for a cappuccino and probably the director's cut of the "Titanic".


"Angel: There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb (#2.22)" (2001)
Cordelia Chase: This is just pretty unsettling for me.
Lorne the Host: Oh, I'm sure it must be. And after all,
[yelling]
Lorne the Host: I only lost my head!
[normal]
Lorne the Host: Technically, my body.

The Groosalugg: What is this "reconstruction"?
Cordelia Chase: Gunn, you wanna field this?
Charles Gunn: It means, sayin' people are free don't make 'em free. You got races that hate each other. You got some folks gettin' work they don't want, others loosin' the little they had. You're lookin' at social confusion, economic depression, and probably some riots. Good luck.

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Are-are you sure about that?
Cordelia Chase: Trust me. Tacos everywhere. And... , soap.

[last lines]
Angel: Can I say it? I wanna say it.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Say what?
Angel: There's no place like...
[Angel opens the doors to the hotel and see a grieving Willow sitting on the couch]
Angel: - Willow?
Cordelia Chase: What's...?
Angel: It's Buffy.

[first lines]
Cordelia Chase: Oh, no... No... Oh, God, please forgive me. This is all my fault.
[to Lorne's head]
Cordelia Chase: Because I pardoned you, and they wanted to teach me a lesson. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything. I don't like it here anymore. I just want to go home.
Lorne the Host: Oh, honey. I'm right there with you.
[Cordelia passes out]

Cordelia Chase: [trying to cover up the fact Lorne's head is alive] I like the filthy head. That is... I uh... I want to defile it more.
[spits]
Cordelia Chase: I'll just keep it to... spit upon. And, and, when I grow tired of that... I-I- I will make it, ah... , a planter! A traitor planter for all to see, or maybe a candy dish. You may leave me.

Lorne the Host: Just put me in a bag and take me to the mutilation chamber.
Cordelia Chase: I have no idea where the mutilation chamber might be, I...
Lorne the Host: So I guess I'll just sit here and die, then. Find someone who knows!

Cordelia Chase: What is it with you people and mutilation?
Marelda: We don't have a lot of entertainment.

Cordelia Chase: [to Lorne's head] Do you mind if I hit him over the head with you?
Lorne the Host: Yes.

The Groosalugg: It was worth it for one moment of your intimate touch.
Cordelia Chase: That was an accident. I-it was kind of dark and... - Oh, - you mean the hug. When I hugged you. That was nice. Where we were?

Cordelia Chase: [to Groosalugg and Angel] Stop the fight. Don't hurt him! Stop! I love him! I love him!
Angel: You love me?
Cordelia Chase: Not you, dumb-ass! Him! I love him!
Angel: Oh.

The Groosalugg: Do you have to go, your Majesty?
Cordelia Chase: I don't want to. I'm really gonna miss your eyes. And the majesty thing. But I have a job to do back home. It was really fun being your princess.
The Groosalugg: Godspeed, Princess.
Cordelia Chase: Bye, Groo.


"Angel: The Bachelor Party (#1.7)" (1999)
Cordelia: So here I am at L'Petite Renard with "Mr. Armani" who could keep me in blue boxes for the rest of my life...
Angel: Blue boxes?
Cordelia: Tiffany's. God! And the whole night I was bored silly. All I could think about was if this wimp saw a monster he'd probably throw a shoe at it and run like a weasel. Turns out the shoe part was giving him too much credit.
Angel: There aren't very many people who wouldn't run. It's just human nature.
Cordelia: Yeah. But, all of a sudden, rich and handsome wasn't enough for me. Now I expect a guy to be all brave and interesting. And it's your fault, both of you.
Angel: Well, maybe not. Maybe you're changing. And that could be a good thing.
Cordelia: Or disastrous. As if I wasn't confused enough, then Doyle comes along and rescues me like some badly-dressed superhero. He was really beat up. But, you know the first thing he asked? "Are you okay?"

Cordelia: I was thinking that, uh, maybe I haven't been entirely fair to you. Maybe you don't actually have *zero* potential.
Allen Francis Doyle: Wow, Cordelia. Thanks.

Cordelia: Hi, Doyle. Are you gonna become loser pining guy, like, full time now? 'Cuz, you know, we already have one of those around the office.
Angel: Hey.
Allen Francis Doyle: Hey.
Cordelia: He can get away with it. He's tall, and-and look at the way clothes hang on him. But you...
Angel: O-Okay. I think you've cheered us up enough.

Cordelia: You shouldn't be trying to eat my friend's brains, you horrible ugly demon people.

Cordelia: Maybe Doyle does have hidden depths. I mean, really, *really* hidden. But depths. And I kinda have to buy him a mochaccino for saving my life.

Cordelia: You'll get through this, Doyle. Nice guys don't always finish last.
Allen Francis Doyle: You think I'm a nice guy?
Cordelia: I think it, I say it. It's my way.

[Doyle saved Cordelia from a vampire]
Cordelia: You were so... brave.
Allen Francis Doyle: You think you could say that again without so much shock in your voice? You're steppin' on my moment of manliness here.
Cordelia: I'm sorry, I'm just, uh...
Allen Francis Doyle: Surprised?
Cordelia: Grateful.

Cordelia: I swore when I went down this road with Xander Harris, I'd rather be dead than date a fixer-upper again.

Cordelia: Doyle taught third grade? The kind with children?
Harriett 'Harry' Doyle: Well, yeah.
Cordelia: Are you sure he wasn't just held back and used that as a cover story?

Angel: Where are you?
Cordelia: In the netherworld known as the 818 area code.

Allen Francis Doyle: So that's it then? That's your exciting plan for this evening? A book?
Angel: I get enough excitement.
Allen Francis Doyle: Yeah - of the evil-fighting variety. How about a little off-duty fun?
Angel: Such as?
Allen Francis Doyle: Two beautiful words: Sports Bar!
[Angel gives him a look]
Allen Francis Doyle: Come on! You know they have Trivia games on the Internet now? You can challenge against drunks around the world. Anything, please! I just can't sit around here while...
Cordelia: [Coming in] While I steal into the night with my incredibly-more-wealthy-then-you prince?

Pierce: I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I was hoping we could make a night of it.
Cordelia: Me, too. I really wanted to hear the end of the story about the pigs and beans.
Pierce: Don't you want me to take you home?
Cordelia: My car is here.
Pierce: Oh, wait, let me walk you.
[takes Cordy's arm and turns her towards him]
Pierce: I'm - I'm not really sure about this neighborhood.
Vampire: [Jumping in from the shadows] You're right, - it's crappy
[Attacks]


"Angel: Guise Will Be Guise (#2.6)" (2000)
Cordelia Chase: What are you doing?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Oh, knocking things over, driving away business... You know, the usual.
Cordelia Chase: Well, I found him and we have to stop him before it's too late. We have to change our... Do you have any clothes a man would wear?

Charles Gunn: Okay, what I want to know is... how I live in L.A. all my life and not know this weird-ass stuff was going on?
Cordelia Chase: Oh, the ass is even weirder than you think.

Angel: We're going. I don't have to sing.
Cordelia Chase: Oh, thank God! I-I mean, for your sake. Because I know you don't like to do that.

Cordelia Chase: Right. This is Angel. "Oh, no, I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday".

Charles Gunn: At gun point?
Cordelia Chase: Yes, the point of a gun. He just walked Wesley right out of here. And this whole "I'm Angel" thing is a very, very bad idea. I mean, if I thought that would work, I could've been Angel, because, guess what? Pretty much a girly name.

Cordelia Chase: [to Wes] You've got everybody scared around here. I'll tell you that. It's like they don't even know you're a Shemp.

Cordelia Chase: [to Wesley] What is wrong with you? You've got like, delusions of Angel. You're not him. You can't do stuff on your own.

Magnus Bryce: [to Wesley] You're going to get out of my house now, loser. Take the piece with you.
Cordelia Chase: The piece? Wa-Was that supposed to be me? Get off me!

Cordelia Chase: Angel! Gunn! What happened?
Angel: He got hit.
Cordelia Chase: By who? The swami? Swamis don't hit, swamis "swam".

Magnus Bryce: She's impure? Sh-She's not a virgin?
[to Wesley]
Magnus Bryce: You...
Charles Gunn: Whoa, that's what impure meant?
Cordelia Chase: She slept with him?
Magnus Bryce: [to Wesley, imitating Angel] You were supposed to be Angel. This wouldn't have happened. That's why I hired him. He's a eunuch.
Cordelia Chase: You slept with her?
Angel: A eunuch?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Things happen. Two young people. Danger.
Virginia Bryce: What are you talking about?
Magnus Bryce: She was a virgin before you got here.
Virginia Bryce: I was not a virgin!
Magnus Bryce: What?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Oh, thank goodness.
Charles Gunn: I coulda have told you she wasn't no virgin.
Angel: Not a eunuch.
Cordelia Chase: One day as Angel... One day, and he's getting some.
Magnus Bryce: What? How could you? I kept you away from all men.
Angel: I mean, the curse isn't even all that clear.
Virginia Bryce: Daddy, you remember that chauffeur from when I was sixteen? And the one at eighteen? I haven't been a virgin for a very long time. I even dated Rick.

[last lines]
Cordelia Chase: [handing Angel a magazine] Look!
Angel: [reading] "Virginia Bryce, squired by Mr. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, private detective and bodyguard to the stars..." Squired? Who says squired?
Cordelia Chase: Look at him all over her!
Angel: You know what, Cordelia, you're just jealous that he's getting some attention.
Cordelia Chase: Damn skippy! He's getting famous off this! Reflected glory? That's my thing!
Angel: Get a little perspective. "Bodyguard to the stars". Yeah right.
[pause]
Angel: There's no "Wyndam-Price Agency"!

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: The host, the fellow talking to Angel over there. He helps demons. Reads their souls, senses their futures.
Cordelia Chase: Yes, but he can only do it when they sing karaoke.


"Angel: Billy (#3.6)" (2001)
Billy Blim: I don't hate women. I mean, sure you're all whores who sell yourselves for money or prestige, but men are just as bad. Maybe even worse. They're willing to throw away careers or families or even lives for what's under your skirt.
Cordelia: I'm wearing pants.
Billy Blim: So you can dress like a man? Talk like a man? Does that make you feel superior?
Cordelia: Actually, I'm feeling superior because I have an arrow pointed at your jugular. And the irony of using a phallic-shaped weapon... not lost on me.

Lilah Morgan: And I'm gonna help you, why?
Cordelia: You know that guy that you hired to hack into my visions? What he did to me? You know what it felt like? I was cut, torn up, my face disfigured, and burning with pain every second not knowing if it was going to end or just get worse till I died.
Lilah Morgan: So you think I owe you...
Cordelia: [to Lilah, about misogynist Billy] It's not the pain. It's the helplessness, the certainty that there is nothing you can do to stop it, that your life can be thrown away in an instant by someone else. He doesn't care. He'll beat you down till you stay down 'cause he doesn't even think of you as alive. No woman should ever have to go through that. And no woman strong enough to wear the mantle of "vicious bitch" would *ever* put up with it. Where is Billy going?

Cordelia: [looking at a picture of Billy] You're sure this is him? This is the guy?
Angel: You pull someone from a Hell dimension, you tend to remember their face. Yeah, that's him.

Cordelia: [to Lilah] Angel feels responsible for this guy because he brought him back from hell. I feel responsible because he did it to save me. You, who are actually responsible for the entire thing, feel nothing at all, because you are a vicious bitch.
Lilah Morgan: So, you know me.
Cordelia: Please. I was you... with better shoes.
Lilah Morgan: These are Boracci.
Cordelia: Fall collection?
Lilah Morgan: Next spring.
Cordelia: He's widened the heel.
Lilah Morgan: And rounded the toe.
Cordelia: That won't work with the pink.
Lilah Morgan: The pink is out this spring.

[first lines]
Angel: Just trust me.
Cordelia: I do.
Angel: Don't stiffen up.
Cordelia: Yeah, you either.

Angel: You know, Cordelia, handling a lethal weapon is a little different than shaking a pom-pom.
Cordelia: Ready! Okay!
[goes through combination sword kata and cheerleader routine]
Angel: Easy.
[Cordelia pins him to wall, sword at his throat]
Angel: Go team!

Cordelia: What's this?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Everything about the crime I believe you saw in your vision. Police reports, husband's written confession, captures from the video store's surveillance cameras, and, I have to caution all of you, the medical examiners crime-scene photos. Cordelia...
Angel: Maybe you shouldn't be looking at that.
Cordelia: Tell that to The Powers. They already ran the T.H.X. version in my head, remember?

Cordelia: [to Angel] Wait, Angel. You can't barge into a police precinct and go all "Terminator".

Lilah Morgan: Cordelia Chase, right? Come to gloat?
Cordelia: I can do that anywhere. Are you gonna invite me in? Oh, wait. I'm not a vampire.
Lilah Morgan: Please, come on in.

Angel: That thing that Billy brought out in others? The hatred and anger... that's something I lost a long time ago.
Cordelia: Even when you were evil?
Angel: I never hated my victims, I never killed out of anger, it was always about the - pain and the pleasure.

[In the opening scene, Angel is training Cordelia how to fight]
Angel: You'll be able to keep an attacker busy until... You know.
Cordelia: What? Until he dies of old age or until you swoop in to save me? Angel, I didn't ask you to train me so I could stave. I already know how to stave. Now I need to learn how to fight.
Angel: You don't think that I would?
Cordelia: Would what?
Angel: Save you.
Cordelia: Men-folk not always around to protect the women-folk, you know? Besides, what if it turned out you were the guy I had to fight? Could happen.

Cordelia: I want you to tell me about Billy. Everything you didn't tell Angel. I want you to help me stop him.
Lilah Morgan: And what makes you think I'm gonna do that?
Cordelia: Well, there's your face, for starters.
Lilah Morgan: I know the risks of my job and I accept them
Cordelia: Then why where you crying five minutes ago? There's not a thing about badly re-applied mascara that I don't know.
Lilah Morgan: I'm not Lindsey McDonald. I don't switch sides whenever it gets tough. And since when is this your job? I thought Angel was the dark avenger.
Cordelia: Angel feels responsible for this guy because he brought him back from Hell. I feel responsible because he did it to save me. You, who are actually responsible for the entire thing, feel nothing at all, because you are a vicious bitch.
Lilah Morgan: [shrugs] So? You know me.
Cordelia: Please. I *was* you - with better shoes.


"Angel: In the Dark (#1.3)" (1999)
Allen Francis Doyle: All I'm saying is, if you and I ever hope to take that cruise to the Bahamas together, we're gonna need a lot more clients with means.
Cordelia: And an alternate reality in which you're Matthew McConaughey.

Cordelia: [Waving invoice] Why are you not rejoicing at our first paying client?
Allen Francis Doyle: 'Cause that's not money in your hand, darlin', that's mail. There's a big difference between that and actually getting paid.

Cordelia: See girl in distress. See Angel save girl from druggy-stalker-boyfriend.

Cordelia: I think the trick is laying off the ale before you start quoting Angela's Ashes and weeping like a baby-man.

Cordelia: I couldn't get comfortable here if the floor was lined with mink. I mean, how can you live like this?
Allen Francis Doyle: Well, I didn't until last week. Then I saw what you did with your place. I just had to call my decorator.
Cordelia: No way! My apartment is nowhere near this yucky! It smells like bong-water in here.

Cordelia: This is not a needle in a haystack, this is a needle in Kansas.

Cordelia: This is so cool! I mean, here you are in LA, and you're the total embodiment of all things Sunnydale.
Oz: It's a burden, but I manage.
Cordelia: We have some serious catching up to do! How is everything? How's - how's the bronze?
Oz: The same.
Cordelia: And the gang?
Oz: They're good.
Cordelia: Good? - Good! - Good.
[They look at each other for a moment]
Oz: Are we done?
Cordelia: Completely.

Allen Francis Doyle: [about Angel] He's the detective.
Oz: Does he have a hat and gun?
Cordelia: Just fangs.
Oz: Well, that works.

Spike: Cordelia. You look smashing. Did you lose weight?
Cordelia: Yes, there is this great gym at - hey!

Cordelia: [after rescuing Angel from Spike and Marcus] We need to get him to a hospital.
Oz: I hear you. But which one? They all tend to specialize in humans.

Angel: [to Oz, after saving the ring] Thanks for the help, man. You were key.
Oz: You're - - incredibly pale.
Cordelia: Look, you should lie down. We should take you home.
Allen Francis Doyle: Just give him a minute
[Angel stares at the sunlight beach in wonder]
Oz: [to Doyle and Cordy] He's very pale. Paler than most people.


"Angel: The Shroud of Rahmon (#2.8)" (2000)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia, what happened to your head?
Cordelia Chase: Excuse me?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Your hair. It's new... it's great! When did this happen?
Cordelia Chase: Ten days ago!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Of course. I didn't want to embarrass you by...
Cordelia Chase: Noticing? Nice suit.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [about Angel] He doesn't seem to be doing much with his time, lately.
Cordelia Chase: Au contraire. His day is packed: Brood about Darla, brood about Darla, lunch, followed by a little Darla brooding.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Right. Enough is enough. I'm gonna march up there and tell him just that.
[stands there staring at the stairs]
Cordelia Chase: Nice posturing.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Thank you.

Cordelia Chase: Why is it always virgin women who have to do the sacrificing?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: For purity, I suppose.
Cordelia Chase: This has nothing to do with purity. This is all about dominance, buddy. You can bet if someone ordered a male body part for religious sacrifice, the world would be atheist
[snaps]
Cordelia Chase: like that.

Cordelia Chase: Uh huh. Time to traipse off to your soul-sucking Hollywood party?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Premiere, actually, and I, uh, just happen to have an extra ticket...
Cordelia Chase: Who does shallow better then me?

Angel: Cordelia, what happened?
Cordelia Chase: It's not blood, it's cocktail sauce. Courtesy of Mr. Star-Schmoozer here.
Angel: I mean to your head. Your hair. Well, it looks great. When did this happen?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Ten days ago. Pay attention.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I even spilled it on her in front of Mr. Fat Chow... Chow.
Cordelia Chase: Chow Yun-Fat!
Angel: What? You met Chow Yun-Fat?

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [reading] "On the third of this month, the museum research department received the Shroud of Rahmon, from a tomb recently unearthed by University of New Mexico archeologists".
Cordelia Chase: Okay, two words I don't like, right off the bat: tomb and unearthed. People, you've got to leave your tombs earthed!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: The Shroud of Rahmon. Have you ever heard of it?
Cordelia Chase: I'm not big on shrouds, they're an "after-you-die" outfit.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [reading] "The shroud was woven by the head priest, said to have been driven mad by the demon himself. Once Rahmon was defeated, the priest dyed the shroud with the blood of seven virgin women, sacrificed on the first full moon, then laid it upon Rahmon's body, in order to prevent his resurrection".
Cordelia Chase: Why is always virgin women who have to do the sacrificing.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: For purity I 'spose.
Cordelia Chase: This is nothing to do with purity. This is all about dominance, buddy. You can bet that if someone ordered a male body part for religious sacrifice, the world would be atheist,
[snaps fingers]
Cordelia Chase: like that!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: The shroud supposedly absorbed Rahmon's power.
Cordelia Chase: So he who has the shroud has the power. You said Rahmon was a drive-you-mad kinda fella?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Ooh.
Cordelia Chase: I hate it when you do that.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Once in 1803, the shroud was removed from its casing.
Cordelia Chase: And yuckiness ensued?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Well, yes. The entire population of El Encanto went insane. Mothers and children hacking one another to pieces, men roaming the streets like rabid dogs...
Cordelia Chase: I get the picture. So, in order to take his mind off the torment that is Darla, we sent Angel after a box that makes you crazy.
Cordelia Chase: Worse case scenario: We'll warn Angel off it, before they steal the shroud.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Just as soon as he comes back. Unless, of course, they're stealing it right now.

Cordelia Chase: My teeth are so big. I am pleasant.

[last lines]
Cordelia Chase: Full day's work, then?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I think so.


"Angel: Somnambulist (#1.11)" (2000)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You recall earlier this morning that mix-up with the dentist's mail and newspaper? That's when I saw this.
[he shows her a newspaper clipping]
Cordelia: Oh, my God! You cut up Dr. Folger's newspaper? You're gonna get us kicked out of this building.

Cordelia: Great news, sports fans. There's been another killing. Okay, well, maybe not so great news for the, you know, dead person...

Cordelia: [about Kate] Yeah, she and Angel are totally tight.
Penn: Really? So this is more than just a professional relationship, then? He cares for her.
Cordelia: Oh, yeah. More than he knows. But that's our Angel. Dour, sure, but not afraid to get personally involved in his work. And you're totally pumping me for information, aren't you?

Cordelia: People really do change.
Angel: Yes, they do. And sometimes, they change back. If the day ever comes that I...
Cordelia: Oh, I'll kill ya dead.
Angel: Thanks.
Cordelia: What are friends for?

Angel: [facing off against Penn] Gimme a stake.
Cordelia: It's like nine in the morning.
[Cordelia realizes what Angel means]
Cordelia: Oh, you mean a...
[makes stabbing gesture with hand]

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: When I saw this story today it rang chillingly familiar. So I reacquainted myself with certain facts, confirming, I'm sorry to say, my grim suspicions. In the late 1700s it was Angelus' custom to 'sign' his victims by carving a Christian cross into their left cheek. He liked to let people know he'd been there.
Cordelia: Okay, you get to leave now. - You're not gonna come in here and accuse Angel like this.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia...
Cordelia: No! I don't care how many files you have on all the horrible things he did back in the powdered wig days! - He is good now. And he's my friend. And nothing you or anyone else can say will make me turn on a friend!
Angel: [From the shadows] Cordelia.
[Wesley and Cordy turn around]
Angel: He's right.
Cordelia: [to Wesley] You'll stake him and I'll cut his head off.

Angel: [about the vampire he sired, Penn] I taught him well
Cordelia: A real psycho-wan-kenobi.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: 200 years practice. I imagine he has it down by now.
Cordelia: No lie. Gallagher's changed his act more often than this dude has in the last two centuries. Why do you think he's still doing the same old schtick?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Well, I mean, it's a classic, isn't it?
[Smiles]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Every time he smashes that watermelon with a sledgehammer I just...
[Angel and Cordy stare at him]

Cordelia: I believe in Los Angeles. It's the city of dreams, a mystical oasis, built from a dessert. But even sunny blond LA has its trashy dark roots, and you've learned that the hard way, haven't you? You've taken your problem to the police, they can't help you, so you've come to us.
[See she's talking to an empty chair]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I think it's about to speak.

Cordelia: [Wesley shows her a newspaper clipping] Third body found in alley. So? Not exactly front-page news.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Actually that *is* the front page

Cordelia: My glamorous LA life, I get to make the coffee and chain the boss to the bed. I've got to join a union.
Angel: Cordelia, I think that's tight enough.
Cordelia: [Pulls the chain one more time] And if it turns out that we're back on the liquid lunch, better safe than cocktails!


"Angel: Through the Looking Glass (#2.21)" (2001)
[Angel has a reflection and is looking at his hair seeing himself in a mirror]
Angel: Okay, this is because of goin' through the portal, right?
[pushes down hair]
Cordelia Chase: No. It always looks like that.

[first lines]
Angel: One... Two... Three...!
Cordelia Chase: [Cordelia clears her throat] Hi, guys.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia?
Charles Gunn: No way!
Angel: You're safe?
Cordelia Chase: A little bit. They made me ruler.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: But this is fantastic.
Cordelia Chase: Well... It's not like my throne couldn't use a few extra cushions. But I'm really not gonna complain because well... throne.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You can order them to release us?
Cordelia Chase: Yes, I really could.
Constable Narwek: Shall we gut the cows now, that you might dine on their ignoble flesh, Oh Most High?
Cordelia Chase: You're most high if you think that is gonna happen. Besides, shouldn't there be some extended groveling first?
Angel: Cordelia?
Cordelia Chase: Okay. Off with their heads!
[the Pyleans pull out their swords]
Cordelia Chase: Kidding.

Cordelia Chase: How did you get in?
Charles Gunn: Same way you did. Opened the portal, with the book.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: We uhh... seem to have misplaced it.
Cordelia Chase: The portal or the book?
Charles Gunn: Both.
Cordelia Chase: I don't know about portals, but they've got books here. Those Trombonal guys, they used one when they swore me in.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I've got to see those.
Cordelia Chase: In quite a hurry to get back to the "Cordelia is not a Princess" dimension, aren't ya?

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [seeing a picture of a deer] Fascinating, a hart.
Cordelia Chase: It's not a heart, it's a "Bambi".

Priest One: The Com-shuk is a mating ritual.
Charles Gunn: I told you it was dirty.
Cordelia Chase: [flustered and scared] Yes. Exactly. The mating ritual. Which is great.
[laughs]
Cordelia Chase: It's been a really long time since I've had a good Com-shuk. So umm... I'm just gonna run out for a minute... because I wanted to get it a gift. And you know... Groosaluggs are hard to buy for. So uhh... I should hurry.

Cordelia Chase: [to Wesley] If you ever figure out how to get us out of here, I want you to find me a dimension where some demon doesn't want to impregnate me with its spawn. Is that just too much to ask? What is it about me anyway? Do I put out some kind of Com-shok-me vibe? I mean, you'd tell me, right?

Cordelia Chase: [as Cordelia grabs some treasure] Why can't we use the front door?
Charles Gunn: Do you really think you'll be able to get your booty through the front door?
Cordelia Chase: Hey!
Charles Gunn: That booty.
[points at treasure]
Cordelia Chase: Oh. I just wanted a little something to remember my reign by. Is that so wrong?

Silas: Your Majesty?
Cordelia Chase: Yeah.
Silas: The Groosalugg
Cordelia Chase: Say, don't you think it would add an air of feminine mystery, if I were to just not be here. Kill me now.

The Groosalugg: I was cast from my village... cut off from my life givers, forced to make my way on my own.
Cordelia Chase: My parents were busted for tax fraud, and my trust fund dried up overnight.

Priest One: The Princess like The Groosalugg is a tool of the Covenant, nothing more. You will do what we tell you to do. If we tell you to mate, then you shall mate.
Cordelia Chase: You can't force us to...
Priest One: If we tell you "silence", you shut your cow mouth!
Cordelia Chase: Pardon me?
Priest One: Pardon, your Majesty? Don't you feel you've done enough pardoning... for one day.


"Angel: That Old Gang of Mine (#3.3)" (2001)
Angel: What's this?
Cordelia Chase: "Enemies Of Merl" list.
Angel: Hey! Why is my name at the top of this list?
Cordelia Chase: Uh, "A"?
Angel: Merl and I were not enemies.
Cordelia Chase: Oh, okay, my mistake.
Angel: I'm the one that found the body, remember?
Cordelia Chase: Oh, and that's not suspicious. The one time you pay Merl a social visit, and he ends up dead?

Cordelia Chase: Sure I like her! What's not to like? She's sweet and adorable and... seems to be laughing at something that shrub just said.

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: [singing] Crazy. I'm crazy for feelin' so lonely. I'm crazy...
Cordelia Chase: [to Wesley while Fred is singing "Crazy" on stage] I swear to God, she picked out the song herself.

Angel: Look, I want you to go to this address.
Cordelia Chase: What is it?
Angel: Transuding Furies.
Cordelia Chase: Gesundheit.

Cordelia Chase: [about Fred] Angel - I told her she was safe with me.
Angel: I know.

Angel: [about the Furies] Tell them to lift the spell, and I'll be able to fight back.
Cordelia Chase: Yes! They'll lift the spell and then you can fight... all twenty of them and still get killed. Great idea.

Fury #1: Only Angel...
Fury #2: ...Is equipped...
Fury #3: ...To make good on the debt.
Cordelia Chase: Angel, pfft! I don't know, you know for a guy who's a couple of centuries old, not very big with the wise investing. And, when you say "equipped", that isn't what you mean, is it?
Fury #1, Fury #2, Fury #3: Mmm... Angel.
Cordelia Chase: Got it. And, ew.

Angel: [about Fred] She's been back in this world for three months, and she still hasn't gone out into it.
Cordelia Chase: Right. And it's not like the last time she was out in the world, she got sucked into an inter-demensional portal and ended up living like a hunted-animal in a hostile, demon, alterna-world, or anything? Oh, wait. Kind of is, isn't it?

Cordelia Chase: Angel wants you to get out.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Oh, I see. Okay. No, I understand. I only have a few things to pack. It won't take long.
Cordelia Chase: No, Fred. That's not what I meant. Out into the real world, you know. Just for the evening or something.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Oh, oh, oh.

Cordelia Chase: You're exactly the sort of girl who would have hated me in high school.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Oh, I'm sure that's not true.
Cordelia Chase: No, no it is. I pretty much saw to it. I was a cheerleader, had power, popularity. You didn't know me then.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: No I didn't. I knew you when you were a princess.
Cordelia Chase: Uh, right. Anyway...


"Angel: The Thin Dead Line (#2.14)" (2001)
Cordelia Chase: She grew another eye in the back of her head.
Anne Steele: Wow, that sounds... handy.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You couldn't stop him?
Cordelia Chase: Hello! Gunn, stubborn, synonyms.

[first lines]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What I wouldn't give for a roving band of Prechian demons right now.
[Cordelia and Gunn stare at Wesley]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Without the ritualistic slayings, of course.
Cordelia Chase: Of course.

Cordelia Chase: Maybe we can buy one of those star maps, find out where Steven Seagal lives. You telling me he got to be a movie star without a little demonic assistance?

Francine Sharp: Virginia said you specialize in umm... strange phenomenon.
Cordelia Chase: The stranger the better, as far as we're concerned. Please, have a seat. Please, take a seat. Tell us what the problem is. Trust me, we specialize in strange. There's nothing we haven't see... There's an eye in the back of her head.

Charles Gunn: [to Anne] We were planning on changing it to the "Gunn Agency."
Cordelia Chase, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: No, we're not!
Charles Gunn: As soon as these two narcissists come to their senses.

Cordelia Chase: [to Wesley] Hey, Gunn graduated with a major in Dumb Planning from Angel University. He sat at the feet of the master, and learned well, how to plan dumbly.

Cordelia Chase: Looks like you could use some help.
Anne Steele: All of my regular staff were too scared to come in tonight.
Cordelia Chase: Where do you want me to start?
Anne Steele: How are your laundry-folding skills?
Cordelia Chase: I'm an actress. I can fake it.

Telephone Operator: All circuits are busy. Please hang up and try again.
Cordelia Chase: This is no time for circuits busy! Don't tell me circuits are busy. If the circuits are busy, get some new circuits now!

[last lines]
Cordelia Chase: What are you doing here?
Angel: I heard about Wesley.
Cordelia Chase: Well, that's great. Too bad it takes a gunshot wound to make you give a crap. Wesley doesn't need you right now. We don't need you. You walked away. Do us a favor and just stay away.


"Angel: Waiting in the Wings (#3.13)" (2002)
Cordelia: [about security guard] You want I should distract him? Make with the nice-nice while you slip by?
Angel: Don't be stupid. I'm that guy and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen is making eyes at me? It's either a bachelor party or a scam.
Cordelia: What did you just call me?
Angel: I'm sorry. You're not stupid.
Cordelia: No, after that.

Angel: I was thinking now. You guys should go back. I'll snoop.
Cordelia Chase: I'm with snoopy. Magic of the ballet, not really getting to me.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: How will the dancers keep time without your rhythmic snoring?

Cordelia Chase: Open the damn door.
Angel: Kinda hard.
Cordelia Chase: Kinda noticed.

Cordelia: We have to go back in.
Angel: I'm marveling at the wrongness of that idea.
Cordelia: You wanna wander around backstage like Spinal Tap for the next... ever?
Angel: I'm sure there are other rooms that...
Cordelia: All we have to do is play the scene. Get in, get out, no one gets happy.
Angel: What if there is no more talking in that scene? Look, I've been possessed by the spirits of old lovers before. It never goes well.
Cordelia: Well, I've got my little cross if things get out of hand. Hey... It's awkward, but it's not us. So long as nothing is removed or inserted, it's all forgotten.
Angel: It is us, Cordelia. It's you and me. Kissing you, it's... It's not something I can just...
Cordelia: Oh, come on. It's not *that* horrible. Up to his ass in demon gore, fine. But ask him to mack on a hottie and he wigs. My champion ladies and gentlemen.

Cordelia: I was the ditsiest bitch in Sunnydale. Could've had any man I wanted. Now I'm all superhero-y, and the best action I can get is an invisible ghost who's good with the loofah.

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: And then we have to find a dress for you. Something that will make Angel crazy.
Cordelia: Fred, sweetie, Angel *is* crazy.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: So, what are we thinking? Vampires?
Cordelia: Well, they're not a deeply tanned bunch.
Charles Gunn: That would explain the precision and the athleticism. I mean, some of those jumps were-
[everyone looks at him]
Charles Gunn: You know, I was cool before I met y'all.

Angel: You all right?
Cordelia: Yeah. We gotta move.
Angel: You think they're not dead?
Cordelia: You just looked really hot doing that.
Angel: Oh.
Cordelia: Yeah.
Angel: Run.

Cordelia: [snapping awake] I loved it.
Angel: It's just intermission.
Cordelia: Oh.
[Cordy wipes her mouth, and glances at Angel's jacket]
Cordelia: That isn't drool, is it?
Angel: It's okay. It matches the back.


"Angel: Redefinition (#2.11)" (2001)
[first lines]
Cordelia Chase: What just happened? Can someone explain to me what just happened here?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I believe we were fired.
Charles Gunn: Canned.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Let go.
Charles Gunn: Axed.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Shown the door.
Charles Gunn: Booted.
Cordelia Chase: Alright! I get it! But what just happened? Fired! Angel fired us?

Cordelia Chase: Darla. It's all about Darla. One thing you can say about Angel, at least he's consistent. It's always some little blonde driving him over the edge.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Come to find your destiny, have you?
[Cordelia nods]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: And who was gonna help you with that?
Cordelia Chase: Shania Twain or Madonna. I hadn't decided.

Cordelia Chase: Wesley!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia! How... odd to see you.
Cordelia Chase: What are you doing here?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Me? Oh, I just came in for a drink.
Cordelia Chase: Ah, because only demon karaoke bars have those. You were gonna sing.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Sing? Oh, dear Lord, no. No. I merely... What are you doing here?
Cordelia Chase: Oh! Ah, well... I was umm in the neighborhood.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You live fifteen miles away.
Cordelia Chase: Well, you know L.A. It's all one really big neighborhood.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I see.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: So, I'll assume it's not Madonna. But what song were you gonna sing?
Charles Gunn: You wouldn't know it.
Cordelia Chase: Well, I, for one, would just like to point out the patheticness that is us. This is all Angel's fault. Hope he's happy now. All alone in his demon world with no one to talk to.

Cordelia Chase: You see, that's what I'm saying. If Wesley hadn't been all shaking his finger...
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: No, no, no.
Cordelia Chase: And, no, no, no, this whole Darla thing woulda have just... you know blown over.
Charles Gunn: What?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Blown over? Angel is obsessed with Darla. Obsessions don't just blow over.
Charles Gunn: Right.
Cordelia Chase: Well, you certainly didn't help by making him feel guilty about it. You shamed him into firing us.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You're blaming this on me?
Cordelia Chase: I'm not blaming... Yes, I'm blaming you. You get the blame.
Charles Gunn: I don't know. I mean, if I had to listen to you two, day in, day out. Snipe, snipe, snipe. Bitch, bitch, bitch! I figure y'all got off easy, 'cause I would have killed you.
Cordelia Chase: [scoffs] That's rich, coming from Mr. "I-Don't-Take-Orders-Now-Where-Do-I-Stick-My-Axe?"
Charles Gunn: What does that supposed to mean?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Well, Gunn... You've never been very supportive of Angel's leadership role. I remember a certain shroud...
Charles Gunn: Hold up, hold up. Are you trying to tell me this is my fault?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Well, how is a man supposed to run a business if his employees won't follow directives?
Charles Gunn: Was one of his directives, "Hire a pansy-ass British guy?".
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: My ass is not pansy!

Charles Gunn: What about her? Maybe if she'd had a couple more visions, Angel would have been too distracted to think about this Darla chick, huh?
Cordelia Chase: Earth to retards! If you have an obsession, you pretty much squeeze it into your schedule, no matter what!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Ah-ha! So you admit it is an obsession.
Cordelia Chase: No... I mean, yes, but no!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Hypocrite.
Cordelia Chase: Ass pansy!

Cordelia Chase: Vampires. Sloth demons. You know what's really, really evil? Tequila.

Cordelia Chase: So how do we find her?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: We start with basics. First, we examine the area for any tell-tale signs of a particular kind of... eugh.
Charles Gunn: There's different kinds of "eugh"?


"Angel: Parting Gifts (#1.10)" (1999)
Cordelia: Damn! I can't believe he did this to me.
Angel: Who did what?
Cordelia: Doyle! I thought our kiss meant something. And instead, he-he used that moment to pass it on to me. Why couldn't it have been mono or herpes?

Cordelia: I didn't ask for this responsibility, unlike some people who shall remain lifeless.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I'm a rogue demon hunter, now.
Cordelia: Wow. What's a rogue demon?

Cordelia: Are you all right, Wesley?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: No, it's these pants. They tend to chafe one's... legs.

Cordelia: Wait! Ahh! A vision! I'm having a vision. A demon, a creepy, little - You! It's definitely you. You're in great, great...
Barney: Danger?
Cordelia: Pain!
[knees him between the legs]

[Barney plans to sell Cordelia to other demons]
Barney: I really don't want to hurt you. Bruises bring down the price.
Cordelia: Help!
[Barney slugs Cordelia]
Barney: But not by much.

Cordelia: [about the demon they killed] Not that he didn't have it coming. He was a horrible, evil monster.
Angel: Hmm, he did kill a lot of people.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Viciously mutilated their corpses.
Cordelia: Plus he started the bidding on me at a paltry 2,000 dollars.

Angel: What was the vision?
Cordelia: Oh. Pfft! Who knows. It was a thing!
Angel: A thing?
Cordelia: An ugly, gray, blobby thing. What difference does it make?
Angel: The difference is if you saw it in a vision it could be an ugly, gray, blobby, dangerous thing!

Barney: I'm sensing a little performance anxiety here. Little trick, picture everybody...
Cordelia: [Interrupting] In their underwear.
Barney: [slight pause] I was going to say dead, but hey, if that underwear thing works for you...


"Angel: Over the Rainbow (#2.20)" (2001)
Cordelia: I wanna go home. I wanna be in my bed. I wanna order some Thai food. I wanna read the latest issue of "Marie Claire". I wanna be doing anything but shoveling demon horse poo!

Cordelia: Angel? Wesley! Mr. Green Mojo Guy's cousin?
[screams]
Cordelia: Help!
[pauses]
Cordelia: Right. Good one, Cor. Scream very loudly so the hell beasts come to you.
[clicks her heels three times]
Cordelia: Worth a shot.

Cordelia: [about Vakma] Woman has ears like a bat!

Vakma: [after Cordelia has a vision] Cursed! My cow is cursed!
Cordelia: No, wait, wait. It's not a curse!

Cordelia: [to the Pyleans] I'd just like to say that I don't know anything about a curse, okay? I just have these visions that... I don't get them very often.

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: How'd you get here?
Cordelia: I'm pretty sure I... I was sucked in by a portal.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: A portal?
Cordelia: Yeah.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Where was it?
Constable Narwek: [enters] Fugitive!
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Oh, no!

Cordelia: How do I get out of here?
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: You don't. They use you as a slave and then your body gives. Zip. Gone.

Old Demon: You found me a cow.
Cordelia: Hey! Who you calling, "Cow", Mister?

[last lines]
Angel: One...
Constable Narwek: Open the doors.
Angel: Two...
Cordelia: [Cordelia clears her throat] Hi guys.


"Angel: The Trial (#2.9)" (2000)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: He's just so distraught about...
Cordelia Chase: Don't say Darla. I am sick and tired of hearing about Darla. If I hear the name Darla one more time...

Cordelia Chase: [to Wesley] Angel's back! And he has Darla with him!
[to Darla]
Cordelia Chase: Hi. You're, uh, planning on sleeping over?
Darla: I'm dying.
Cordelia Chase: So, just for the one night, then?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Dying?
Darla: He doesn't believe it.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel, what's going on?
Angel: Wolfram and Hart should her some medical files, supposedly proving she's only got a few months left to live.
Cordelia Chase: So maybe more than the one night?

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [about Wolfram & Hart] It's true. They can't really be trusted.
Darla: I don't trust them. But I know a thing or two about mind games.
[to Angel]
Darla: So do you. We've played them together for over a century.
Cordelia Chase: Yes, but you were just soulless, blood-sucking demons. They're lawyers.
Angel: [to Darla] She's right. We were amateurs.

[talking to Darla after Angel just said she's not a prisoner]
Cordelia Chase: So, first up, you're a prisoner.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I'd have to concur with that, yes.
Cordelia Chase: See, you've got our friend all in knots.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Can't say we like you much.
Cordelia Chase: So, sorry about the dying, but if you try to escape, we will hit you.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: On the head.
Cordelia Chase: With very large and heavy objects. 'Kay?

[first lines]
Cordelia Chase: [about Angel] Don't you think we should check on him? He's been in that cellar a long time.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I keep hearing a "chucka-chucka" sound. What's he doing down there?
Cordelia Chase: How should I know? He barely says "Good morning and get me a glass of blood" anymore.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I know.

Cordelia Chase: [about Angel] And he is not distraught, he's obsessed. And, I thought you were going to be a man and talk to him about this.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I was a man. I said... things.
Cordelia Chase: Like what?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Like... did he prefer milk or sugar in his tea? It's how men talk about things in England!

Cordelia Chase: You lied to us.
Angel: I did, I know.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Why?
Angel: I figured you'd nag.

Cordelia Chase: Listen up, Mister, if you expect us to go with you on some wild goose chase, then guess again. We're not going to enable you with your addiction!

Cordelia Chase: [to Wesley about Darla] I mean, not only is she putting his life at stake, but ours. I'm sorry, but after four hundred years of death and destruction, It seems to me you get voted off the island. Am I right?
[seeing Angel]
Cordelia Chase: You're back?


"Angel: City of... (#1.1)" (1999)
Cordelia: I grew up in a nice home. It wasn't like this, but we did have a room or two that we didn't even know what they were for. Till the IRS got all huffy about my folks not paying their taxes for, well, ever. They took it all.

Cordelia Chase: I finally get invited to a nice place with no mirrors and lots of curtains... hey, you're a vampire!
Russell Winters: [caught off-guard] What? No, I'm not.
Cordelia Chase: Are too!
Russell Winters: I don't know what you're talking about.
Cordelia Chase: I'm from Sunnydale. We had our own Hellmouth. I think I know a vampire when... I'm... alone with him... in his... fortress-like home.

Cordelia: So, um, are you still...
[bares her teeth and makes claws with her hands]
Cordelia: "Grrr"?
Angel: Yeah, there's not actually a cure for that.

Cordelia: I am somebody. I matter. People will be attracted to my positive energy and help me achieve my goals. I am right where I'm supposed to be and not dying for something to eat!

Cordelia: Wow, what a nice place. I love your curtains. Not afraid to emphasize the curtains.

Cordelia: A cockroach. In the corner. I'd say it's a bantamweight.

Cordelia: You need someone to organize things, and you're not exactly rolling in it, Mr. "I was alive for 200 years and never developed an investment portfolio."

Cordelia Chase: You don't know who he is, do you? Oh, you are so gonna get your ass kicked.

Cordelia Chase: [after bumping into Angel at a party] Well, I'd better get mingly. I really should be talking to people that *are* somebody. But it was fun!
[Cordelia leaves]
Angel: [to himself] It's nice that she's grown as a person.


"Angel: That Vision Thing (#3.2)" (2001)
Cordelia: [to Fred] Wow! You know, next to you, I am down-right linear.

Cordelia: Was it there? 'Cause I'm gonna be really ticked off if I'm all
[points at her face]
Cordelia: Phantom of the Opera and there wasn't a key.

Cordelia: [to Gavin] I'm sorry. I-I didn't hear you sneak up on us. Must be those tastefully expensive Gucci loafers. Totally our fault.

Cordelia: [about Gavin Park] Yeah, okay. - Minion of darkness. - Satan's toady. - But that is a nice suit. Did you see that suit?

Charles Gunn: [describing Cordelia's visions to Fred] What Cordelia means is that she doesn't choose to have a vision. The Powers send them to her, when they got info to share.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Think of them as gifts.
Cordelia: Yes, "having my head torn open and hot lava poured into my skull" gifts.

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Has anyone ever told you you're exactly like Lassie. You're Angel's Lassie. Sure, he does most of the saving... but it's your visions that tell him that Timmy's trapped in the well, or the robbers are hiding in the barn. He really needs and depends on you.
Cordelia: Well, thanks. I'd be flattered, except for the "Lassie being a dog" part!
[to Dennis]
Cordelia: Dennis, a little help here.
[to Fred]
Cordelia: See, I'm not alone. I have a ghost. Bye, we'll have to...
[Cordelia has a vision]
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Are you alright?

Cordelia: [about Lorne reading Cordelia] Well, it's not like I'm morally against letting demons into my subconscious for a quick lookie-loo. Hey, it might be fun... But with the Powers That Be doing this whole Book of Job thing..., the last thing I want is more noise in my head.
Angel: Maybe he can make the noise stop.
Cordelia: Yeah?
Angel: Isn't that what you want?
Cordelia: Yes! No. Well, no. Sure I hate looking and feeling like this, but if I lose the visions, I wouldn't be able to help you anymore. You wouldn't need me.
Angel: That's not why I need you. You're important, and the visions are just after market extras like Hurst shift or Craiger wheels.
Cordelia: Did you just compare me to a car?
Angel: It was a very nice car.
Cordelia: I guess it's better than a dog.
Angel: Cordy, let us try and help. Okay?
Cordelia: Okay.

Lorne: Alright, Princess, like I told you earlier. You shouldn't even feel a thing. You ready? Now, I want you to relax. Picture yourself outdoors, in a field or on a mountain.
Cordelia: I like the mountains.
Lorne: Beautiful. You're on a mountain top. And it's warm, the sky is blue, full of big fluffy clouds. You're Julie Andrews in "The Sound Of Music". And you're relaxed, and you're spinning, and the camera's swirling, and...
[Cordelia hits him]
Lorne: Careful, honey, you got some power of your own.
Cordelia: Sorry. All that spinning and swirling was freaking me out.
Lorne: My fault, my fault. I just love that movie so much. Okay, ready to try again? Alright, now let's go looking for The Powers That Be. See if we can reach out and touch someone.

Cordelia: Angel? What you did for me was unbelievably selfless, and brave, and amazing. And, it's so great to know that the next vision I have will just be blindingly painful and not turn me back into the Elephant Man or anything.
Angel: I hear a big "but" coming.
Cordelia: What if that guy you freed is someone or something that's truly terrible? Wolfram and Hart won this time, and it's all my fault.
Angel: It's not about winning, Cordelia. It's about what's at stake. And in this particular scenario you were way more important than winning. I can't worry about that guy I set free. I did what I had to do. I'll just deal with the consequences when they happen.


"Angel: Darla (#2.7)" (2000)
Cordelia Chase: [to Angel about finding Darla] Am I the only one who thinks this is just a really bad idea?
Angel: We can't just sit around here waiting for Wolfram and Hart to make a move. It's time we got ahead of the game.
Cordelia Chase: This won't involve kidnapping again, will it?
Angel: All we're going to do is find her.
Cordelia Chase: And this would be the same woman that you didn't notice was in your bedroom every night for three weeks straight?
Angel: That was different.
Cordelia Chase: Different in the sitting-on-top-of-you sense, yeah.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia has a point.
Cordelia Chase: Finally!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: The last time Darla emerged, she wanted to be found. Now, she's out there among six million other people.
Cordelia Chase: She could be sitting on top of anybody!
Angel: Come on, guys. We're a detective agency. We investigate things. That's what we're good at.
Cordelia Chase: That's what we suck at. Let's face it, unless there's a website called "www dot oh by the way, we have Darla stashed here dot com", we're pretty much out of luck.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It's not going to be easy.
Cordelia Chase: Well, before, he said he could smell her.
[to Angel]
Cordelia Chase: How about, we cruise around with the top down, and you take big, big whiffs?
[there is no reaction]
Cordelia Chase: We'll wait until after the sun sets, obviously.
Charles Gunn: Big law firm. They gotta have housing for their out-of-towners, right?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: "Out-of-towners"? It's not as if they flew her in from Miami. She was raised from the very depths of hell by an ancient and very dangerous ritual.
Charles Gunn: Yeah, and...? They still gotta put her up, don't they. That's an expense. You're telling me, these lawyers haven't figured out a way to write that off?

Angel: All we're gonna do is find her.
Cordelia Chase: And this would be the same woman that you didn't notice was in your bedroom every night for, like, three weeks strait?
Angel: That was different.
Cordelia Chase: Different in the sitting right on top of you sense. Yeah.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia has a point.
Cordelia Chase: Finally!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: The last time Darla emerged, she wanted to be found. Now, she's out there among six million other people.
Cordelia Chase: She could be sitting on top of anybody.

Cordelia Chase: Well, before he said he could smell her. How about we cruise around with the top down, and you take big whiffs?

[Darla has smashed all the mirrors in her apartment]
Angel: It makes sense. She was a vampire. Now she has a soul.
Cordelia Chase: That makes sense? So why don't you go around smashing mirrors?
Angel: Because I don't have to look at myself in them.

Angel: I also know what she's goin' through. And unlike me, maybe she won't have to go through it alone.
Cordelia Chase: You're not alone.

Angel: We need to narrow it down further. Keep looking.
Cordelia Chase: And my sister's living in Unit Three Nineteen.
Angel: You don't have a sister.
Cordelia Chase: Sure I do. My older, way older, like, four hundred-years-older, blonde sister, Darla. No last name. I've been desperately trying to find her because Mom and Dad are in the coma. Sue, the property manager, was very helpful. She even cried.

Darla: [seeing Angel] Angelus...
Cordelia Chase: Umm... sorry, I know you're Concussion Gal, and all, but around here it's Angel. Just Angel, okay?

Charles Gunn: Want me to come with you?
Angel: No. This is something I have to do on my own.
[Cordelia brings him his car keys]
Angel: Thanks.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel...
Angel: I know, Wesley. I could be walking into a trap. I get that.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I'm not convinced you do.
Angel: Look, she asked for my help. I can't turn my back.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: No. And you shouldn't... Not for one moment. You know better than anyone what she was.
Angel: What we were. And I also know what she's going through. And unlike me, maybe she wont have to go through it alone.
Cordelia Chase: You're not alone.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You may be right. She may be experiencing all of this exactly as you did. But, Angel, - you yourself wondered for a hundred years, before ever seeking redemption.
Angel: That's right. I sought her.


"Angel: Hero (#1.9)" (1999)
Allen Francis Doyle: [reading a cue-card] Our rats are low...
Cordelia: [impatient] Rates!
Allen Francis Doyle: It says rats.

Allen Francis Doyle: There's got to be another way.
Angel: It's all right.
Cordelia: No!
Allen Francis Doyle: The good fight, yeah? You never know until you've been tested. I get that now.
[Doyle punches Angel off of the balcony and turns to kiss Cordelia]
Allen Francis Doyle: Too bad we'll never know...
[changes to his demon face]
Allen Francis Doyle: ...if this is a face you could learn to love.
Angel: Doyle. Doyle. Doyle! Doyle! No!
[Doyle jumps onto machine]
Angel: [shouting] Doyle! No!
Allen Francis Doyle: AAGGGHHHHH!
[burns up from the machine and dies]

Cordelia: Would it kill him to put on some tights and a cape and garner us a little free publicity?
Allen Francis Doyle: I don't see Angel puttin' on tights... Oh, now I do and it's really disturbin'.

Cordelia: Angel started the day over knowing he'd remember everything that happened?
Allen Francis Doyle: It's pretty amazing, huh?
Cordelia: Amazing he didn't check the stock quotes or the lotto numbers!

Cordelia: While this may look like a... popular brand of breath freshener, it's really a cunningly disguised demon repellent.

Cordelia: Why didn't you tell me you were half-demon? I thought we agreed that secrets are bad.
Allen Francis Doyle: I wanted to tell you. I was afraid. Thought if I did, you'd reject me.
Cordelia: I've rejected you way before now. So you're half-demon - big whoop! I can't believe you think I'd care about that. I mean, I work for a vampire, hello?

Cordelia: What do you think I am, superficial?

Cordelia: I mean, you're half-demon. That is so far down the list. Way under short, and... poor. Is there anything else I should know?
Allen Francis Doyle: The half-demon thing, pretty much my big secret.
Cordelia: Good. That's out. It's done. Would you ask me out for dinner already?
Allen Francis Doyle: Yeah?


"Angel: Eternity (#1.17)" (2000)
Angel: Cordelia, you're here... And you brought a cross.
Cordelia: And along with 3 double half-calf non-fat skinny lattes.
Angel: And a cross.
Cordelia: Well judging by the outfit, I guess it's safe to come in. Evil Angel never would have worn those pants.

Cordelia: Stop it.
Angel: Why?
[Cordelia gasps]
Angel: You didn't - I mean I've been to Hell but *that* was so much worse!

Rebecca Lowell: Oh, God. Who called ET?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Emma Thompson?
Cordelia: Entertainment Tonight, doofus.

Cordelia: Angelus may not be the most relaxing company, but at least he's honest. Shouldn't I expect the same from the *not* evil version of my friends?

Cordelia: [to Wesley] Hey, you weren't around the last time Angel went mental. I, on the other hand, was on first wave clean up crew. He knew perfect happiness, he goes evil! So don't tell me not to worry!

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What did you give him?
Rebecca Lowell: Does it matter?
Cordelia: Well, if he's all homicidal, I'm thinking, YEAH!

[last lines]
Angel: So we're okay then?
Cordelia: I'm too big a person to let something so petty get in the way of our friendship.
Angel: I appreciate that... You're not going to untie me, are you.
[Cordelia scoffs and leaves]
Angel: Wesley? Cordelia? Guys?

Cordelia: Oh, great. He spent the night with the fantasy of millions. All alone, 'protecting' her.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You're worried about the curse. I wouldn't be.
Cordelia: Hey, you weren't around the last time Angel went mental. I, on the other hand, was on the first wave of the clean-up crew. He knows perfect happiness, he goes evil. So don't tell me not to worry.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel's moment of true happiness occurred because he was with Buffy. You realize how rare that is - true happiness? And what are the odds he's find that with an actress.
Cordelia: What's that supposed to mean?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I was... I meant TV-actress.
Cordelia: Save it.


"Angel: Quickening (#3.8)" (2001)
Cordelia: [to Angel about Darla] You want me to protect the vampire bitch who bit me and her evil love child?

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel's right. Clearly something wants this thing to come to term. We'll wait for it to be born, then we'll chop its head off.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: W-What if it doesn't have a head?
Cordelia: We're gonna need a really big mallet.
Charles Gunn: If it skitters, we should have a net or somethin'. Maybe a flamethrower.
Angel: Flamethrower? No, there'll be no throwing of flames!

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel's right. Clearly something wants this thing to come to term... We'll wait for it to be born, then we'll chop its head off.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: W-What if it doesn't have a head?
Cordelia: We're gonna need a really big mallet.
Charles Gunn: If it skitters, we should have a net or somethin'... Maybe a flamethrower.
Angel: Flamethrower? No, there'll be no throwing of flames!

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Actually...
Cordelia: God! I hate it when you say that word, "actually". "Actually" means that your oversized, gi-normous brain thought of something that the rest of us failed to consider. Right?

Cordelia: [after Cordelia punches Darla in the face] Oh, come on, tough girl. You're a vampire. A punch in the nose shouldn't hurt that much.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Not, "aaow her nose". She's having contractions.
[Darla screams]

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [completing an ultrasound on Darla] Well, then, let's take a look, shall we? You know, I haven't studied one of these in quite a while.
Angel: Isn't that a head?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I think it is. Or is that the head?
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Maybe, you're both right.
[everyone glares at her]
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: It's not like I'm suggesting it's an evil two-headed thing.
Cordelia: [looking at Darla's baby on the ultrasound screen] I see it.
Darla: My little parasite.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Oh, my...
Angel: What is it?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It's human.
Charles Gunn: Human, as in humanoid? As in cannibalistic, humanoid underground dwellers?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: No. Human as in... a boy.
Angel: A boy?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: A boy. A boy.
[to Darla]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You're carrying a boy.
Darla: Great.

Angel: Anybody hurt?
Cordelia: Nothing a couple of Band-Aids and a pint of Heath Bar Crunch can't fix.

[last lines]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [about Darla] Her water's broken. This is for real. Should be a blanket in the trunk.
Cordelia: What are we gonna do? Deliver the kid right here?Shouldn't we go somewhere?
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: What's keeping Angel?
Darla: [screaming in pain] No! No!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Homecoming (#3.5)" (1998)
Lyle Gorch: I'm gonna kill both you Slayers for this! You hear me?
Cordelia: I hear you, you redneck moron. You got a dress that goes with that hat?
Lyle Gorch: I'm gonna...
Cordelia: Rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs, boil my brain and eat it for brunch? Listen up, needle brain, Buffy and I have taken out four of your cronies, not to mention your girlfriend.
Lyle Gorch: Wife!
Cordelia: Whatever. The point is, I haven't even broken a sweat. See, in the end Buffy's just the runner up. I'm the queen. You get me mad, what do you think I'm gonna do to you?
Lyle Gorch: [thinks for a second] Later.
[he walks away without turning his back on her]

Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library gettin' all sweaty.
Cordelia: They're training.
Xander: I stand by my phrase.

Xander: Okay, let's not say something we'll, uh, regret later, okay?
Cordelia: You crazy freak.
Buffy: Vapid whore.
Xander: Like that.

Buffy: You really love Xander?
Cordelia: Well, he kinda grows on you, like... a Chia Pet.

Cordelia: Those animals; hunting us down like poor, defenseless... well, animals.

Buffy: Ah, it's okay. Gave Cor and I a chance to spend some quality death time.
Cordelia: And we got these free corsages.

Cordelia: [about the corsages] Oh, God, get rid of these things.
Buffy: [to Giles] I need some wet toilet paper.
Cordelia: [sarcastically] Yeah, that'll help.

Cordelia: After all that we've been through tonight, this whole 'who-gets-to-be-Queen-capade' seems pretty...
Buffy: Damn important.
Cordelia: Oh, yeah.


"Angel: Are You Now or Have You Ever Been (#2.2)" (2000)
Angel: Watch his tentacles!
Cordelia: Excuse me?
Wes: Tentacles.
Cordelia: Oh.

Cordelia: Wesley!
[shows him a photo]
Cordelia: Look who was staying here in '52.
Wes: [spots Angel in the photo] Well, now we know one thing for certain.
Cordelia: Yep. It's not that vampires don't photograph, it's just that they don't photograph *well*.

Wes: Frank Gillnitz. He worked as a bellman the year Angel was in residence. We'll put him in '52.
Cordelia: But he wasn't executed until '54. Shouldn't we put him there?
Wes: He wasn't executed until '54, *but* the crime he committed, the murder of the salesman and the storing of the body in the hotel meat locker *that* occurred in '52.
Cordelia: It's kinda like a puzzle. The 'who died horribly 'cause Angel screwed up 50 years ago' game?

Cordelia: [Angel doesn't like his glass of blood] Something the matter?
Angel: I, um, I-I think it's gone bad. It's starting to coagulate.
Cordelia: Huh? No. That's cinnamon. What? I can't try something?

Angel: Guys, don't listen to it, alright? Whatever it's whispering to you, just ignore it.
Cordelia: [about Wesley and Gunn arguing] They were like this all the way over here in the car.
Angel: Oh.

Cordelia: [about the hotel] Seventy years of violence, mayhem and paranoia - Bad vibes.
Angel: We're movin' in.
Cordelia: I mean, a few throw pillows, what's not to love?

Cordelia: I for one will be glad to see the last of this place. It gives me the heebee geebees.
Charles Gunn: Plus it's kind of got an odor to it. You notice that?


"Angel: Slouching Toward Bethlehem (#4.4)" (2002)
Cordelia: That's everything? It all makes perfect sense now. I was a cheerleader, a princess and a warrior. And I have visions and super powers and I'm the target of an evil law firm because I've spent the last three months living on a higher plane, fighting for the forces of good, who wage a battle against demons and evilies and squishy bug babies, 'cause all that stuff's real and that's the world I live in. And-and I think I know why I don't remember any of this 'cause, hey who'd want to!
Angel: I know it's a lot to take in.
Cordelia: Says the vampire with a soul and his wacky gang of sidekicks.
Charles Gunn: [Raises his hand] Um, not a sidekick.

Cordelia: Your friends here were just talking about murdering children. And there's-there's-there's singing and blood and-and pointy things. And did I mention the singing?

Angel: What do you remember?
Cordelia: I don't know. Numbers. Animals. Flossing.

Murray: [On the answering machine] Uh, yeah, this is Murray, down at the spa. Listen, it's after midnight, and uh, you better get down here. That demon broad came back. Looks like she's gonna try and hatch her blood-sucking little...
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: [Grabs the phone] We're here. Uh-huh. OK. We'll be right there.
Cordelia: Did-he say "demon broad"?
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Yeah. His, um, wife. It's an ugly divorce case thing. You know, private eye stuff.
[Mouths "No it's not" to Angel]
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: I should get Charles and terminate it before the situation multiplies.
[Fred mimes giving birth behind Cordy's back]

Cordelia: [after beating up two guys] Wow. How did I-?
[beat]
Cordelia: I am a spy.
[Angel sighs]
Cordelia: I get it now. You're all spies. Probably all Russian. And you've brainwashed me, and want me to believe we're friends so I'll spill the beans about some nano-techno-thingy that you want.
Charles Gunn: So... I look Russian to you?
Cordelia: Black Russian.
Angel: That's a drink.
Cordelia: Says the head spy.

Charles Gunn: Where you going?
Cordelia: Out. Away. Does it matter?
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: But it's not safe.
Cordelia: Oh, right, 'cause of evil ninja law firm.
Charles Gunn: We'll come with, just in case.
Cordelia: You keep telling me I was a higher being. Don't make me turn you into a rat.
[slams door]
Charles Gunn: [Freaked out] Can she do that?

Charles Gunn: How 'bout a sandwich. Let's go to the kitchen.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: We have cookies.
Cordelia: I don't want a sandwich. I don't want cookies. I wanna talk to Angel, sans sidekicks.
[Walks off]
Charles Gunn: I am not a sidekick.


"Angel: Dad (#3.10)" (2001)
[the gang is besieged and gets ready for the fight]
Charles Gunn: What are you doing?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Trying to imagine myself as John Wayne in "Rio Bravo". You?
Charles Gunn: Austin Stoker, "Assault on Precinct Thirteen".
Cordelia Chase: If we live through this, trade in the D.V.D. players and get a life.

[first lines]
Cordelia Chase: [to Angel, Wesley, Fred and Gunn] We'll need to make some little changes for safety. Covers for the outlets, kid proof the locks on the weapons cabinet... Right after we gut and remodel the entire hotel.

Cordelia Chase: [to Angel] You don't have a woman's touch, whatever your taste in clothing may indicate.

Cordelia Chase: [to Angel after reading a book on baby health care] Ooh, are you going to circumcise?

Angel: I'm his only family. My job now is to be everything for him.
Cordelia Chase: Really? Okay. Follow me. Come on.
[takes Angel outside]
Angel: Where are we going?
Cordelia Chase: Come on.
Angel: Cordelia...
Cordelia Chase: We're going outside, where your son's gonna wanna go play, where you'll have to rush him to the hospital if he gets sick in the daytime. But I see your point. You can't go outside in the day like other parents because - you're a vampire. And even if you weren't, you can't do everything for him.
Angel: [puts his arm into the sunlight and it starts to burn] If he has to get to the hospital at noon on the sunniest day of the year, he'll get there - even if I don't.

Cordelia Chase: [to Angel] You really didn't hear anything I said to you earlier, did you?

Cordelia Chase: [to Angel] So, you're just gonna leave? Run away?
Charles Gunn: Why not? It's what hes good at. You sure you don't wanna fire us first, a little icing on the cake, while you leave us here to do the fighting?


"Angel: The Ring (#1.16)" (2000)
Cordelia Chase: "Demons, Demons, Demons." Wow. They put a lot of thought into that title.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It's a demon database. What would you call it?
Cordelia Chase: I don't know. How 'bout..."Demon Database"?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Ah. A name rife with single entendre.

Cordelia Chase: Why isn't Wolfram & Hart in here?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Mm, because they're lawyers, not demons.
Cordelia Chase: Fine line, you ask me.

Cordelia Chase: We weren't gonna let anything happen to you.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: No.
Cordelia Chase: Well, I mean, beyond the slavery and the severe beatings and stuff!

Cordelia Chase: Beetlejuice-y albino.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [about a demon] He wrote "claw-like hands."
Cordelia Chase: Could be a mixed breed. Smell?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Sulfuric.
Cordelia Chase: Add a Porsche and hair plugs and I've dated this guy. A lot.

Cordelia Chase: Someone ought to create an intra-demon dating base. You know like Archfiend.org, where the lonely and the slimy connect.


"Angel: Release (#4.14)" (2003)
Cordelia Chase: Destruction sometimes is its own reward.
Angelus: Hey, man, you're preaching to the guy who ate the choir.

Cordelia Chase: You would dare to defy me?
Angelus: Defy who? A big, scary voice? Whoa! Hey, I got one of those, too. You wanna hear it?
[talks into his hands]
Angelus: You can kiss my vampire ass. That do anything for ya?

Connor: Are you okay?
Cordelia Chase: Sure. Except for the morning sickness that can't tell time.

Cordelia Chase: [shouting] Angelus!
Angelus: Oh, volume!
Cordelia Chase: I am not well pleased.
Angelus: And I'm not well deaf.

Cordelia Chase: Dare to seek me out again and your insolence will be punished tenfold.
Angelus: Yeah, what are you gonna do, huh? Give me a migraine?

Cordelia Chase: This isn't the way, my sweet. We should be friends, you and I.
Angelus: No, and I'll tell you why. One, because, you know, I'm evil. So the friends thing, that's out. And two, if I did have friends they sure as hell wouldn't be livin' inside my head.


"Angel: Epiphany (#2.16)" (2001)
Cordelia Chase: [finding a third eye at the back of her head] Oh, no!

Cordelia Chase: [after she has a vision of herself] Well, that was helpful.

Cordelia Chase: [to the Skilosh Demon] I'm guessing, "Hey, look behind you!", is really not gonna work, is it?

Cordelia Chase: [to the Skilosh Demon] Listen, I've been impregnated by demon spawn before. Let's just say, didn't really work out.

Cordelia Chase: Angel... Hi.
Angel: Hi. You okay?
Cordelia Chase: No.
Angel: You're not?
Cordelia Chase: No. You really hurt my feelings.

[last lines]
Angel: I'm sorry.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Before you say anymore, I think I should tell you. We've all discussed it, and none of us are ready just yet.
Angel: It's okay, Wesley. I don't want you to come back and work for me.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Oh, I see.
Angel: I want to work for you.
Charles Gunn: You want to work for us?
Angel: Yeah, I do.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Why?
Angel: Because I think I can help.
Cordelia Chase: How do we know we can trust you?
Angel: I guess I'll just have to earn that.
Cordelia Chase: No. No. No!
[has a vision]
Cordelia Chase: The usual big scary, rising up in a housing project in Topanga. And why is it I'm not on the floor this time?
Angel: I've got you.
Cordelia Chase: Maybe he should drive.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Let's go.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Halloween (#2.6)" (1997)
[reacting to Willow who's trying to convince her she isn't a cat]
Cordelia: That's nice, Willow. And you went mental *when*?

Cordelia: Buffy, love the hair. It just screams 'street urchin'.

Cordelia: Are you guys playing tonight?
Oz: Yeah, at the shelter club.
Cordelia: Is mister I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show-up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there?
Oz: Yeah, you know, he's just going by 'Devon' now.

Cordelia: They don't know who they are, everyone's turned into a monster, it's a whole big thing. How are you?

Cordelia: [charging into the bathroom] So, Buffy. You ran off last night and left poor little Angel all by his lonesome. But I did everything I could to comfort him.
Buffy Summers: [beat] I'll bet.
Cordelia: [as she touches up her make-up] So, what's his story anyway? I mean, I never see him around...
Willow Rosenberg: Not during the day, anyway.
Cordelia: [musing as she puts her make-up away] Oh, please. Don't tell me he still lives at home. Like, he has to wait for his dad to get back before he can take the car?
Buffy Summers: Cordelia, I think his parents have been dead for a couple of hundred years.
Cordelia: [finishes her lip gloss & faces them] Oh, good. I mean... What?
Buffy Summers: Angel's a vampire... I thought you knew.
Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire. Of course! But the cuddly kind. Like a carebear with fangs?
Willow Rosenberg: [shrugs] It's true.
Cordelia: You know what I think?... I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever. But when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer.

Willow Rosenberg: Okay. You guys stay here while I get some help. If something tries to get in, just fight it off.
Buffy Summers: Well, i-it's not our place to fight. Uh, surely some men will protect us.
Cordelia: [unsure she heard right] What's that riff?
Willow Rosenberg: I-it's like amnesia, okay? They don't know who they are.


"Angel: Reunion (#2.10)" (2000)
Angel: There out there, both of them.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: So you did find them, then. Where are they now?
Angel: I don't know.
Cordelia Chase: But you know where they're going to be?
Angel: Not exactly.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: But yet you have your suspicions?
Angel: Actually, I don't.
Cordelia Chase: So, it's more like a hunch?
Angel: Wouldn't say hunch.
Cordelia Chase: Would you say inkling? Please tell me you could at least say inkling.

[first lines]
Charles Gunn: Were almost there. Yo! Anybody home?
Cordelia Chase: Oh my God! Angel!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What happened?
Charles Gunn: I don't know. He's kinda been in and out. I only got half the story. Half of it didn't make sense.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel. There's no time, no time. Okay, okay. Let's sit him down here.
Cordelia Chase: Where was he?
Charles Gunn: Coming from the motel.
Cordelia Chase: Darla's motel?
Angel: I should've heard them.
Charles Gunn: I managed to get him to the truck without him bursting into flames or anything.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: He's hurt.
Charles Gunn: This was a wreck. Something went down. Something not good.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel?
Angel: I was just so... so tired.
Cordelia Chase: Where is Darla?
Charles Gunn: I don't know. She weren't there.
Cordelia Chase: I knew it. She did this to him. I knew she couldn't be trusted.
Angel: She's dead.
Cordelia Chase: What?

Angel: I should've stopped them. They made her drink.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel?
Angel: She didn't want to. You think that you can resist... but then it's... it's too late.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Someone made Darla drink?
Angel: It was "her".
Cordelia Chase: Okay, way too many pronouns here. Who's "her"?
Angel: Drusilla.
Cordelia Chase: Drusilla's here?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Good lord.
Charles Gunn: Who's Drusilla?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel? Angel?
Charles Gunn: Am I right in guessing this Drusilla's got a set of teeth?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Yes, she's a vampire.
Charles Gunn: I think I'm stating to get the picture now.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Perhaps you should sit down.
Angel: I have to find her.
Cordelia Chase: Drusilla?
Charles Gunn: [Angel looks in cabinet] She probably ain't in there.
Cordelia Chase: He's delirious.
Angel: I can save her.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Save whom?
Angel: Darla.

Cordelia Chase: Okay, here's the list of local cemeteries, funeral homes and mausoleums.
Charles Gunn: You're telling me we have to go to each one of these places and start digging up fresh graves?
Angel: Drucilla will want to put the body in the ground.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel, are you certain about this? A burial isn't necessary for a newly made vampire.
Angel: It would be for Drusilla. She's a classicist.
Cordelia Chase: She's a loony.
Angel: Forget mausoleums. Stick with cemeteries, something with a view of the night sky.
Cordelia Chase: So, just outside cemeteries, then?
Charles Gunn: It doesn't narrow it down much.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: If it's just a burial she's after, one doesn't need a cemetery. Just dirt, really.
Cordelia Chase: Still not narrowing. Whole planet, pretty much made up of dirt.

Cordelia Chase: Hitting the pause button. Wolfram and Hart? As in vampire detectors, cracked security system and armed guards. Nice plan, General Custer!

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: And you just walked away?
Angel: No, I walked to my car and then I drove away.
Charles Gunn: You didn't do anything?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You allowed Darla and Drusilla to have free reign?
Angel: I didn't bring either one of them into this. They did.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You could've stopped them.
Angel: And I will.
Cordelia Chase: When? After they've finished off all the people you don't like?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel, well it's certainly true these lawyers brought this on themselves. But what you did...
Cordelia Chase: Is wrong.
Charles Gunn: You went too far.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: We've all been worried about you. And I guess it's fair to say we all share some of the blame. We should've spoken up sooner.
Charles Gunn: And louder.
Cordelia Chase: You have to change the way you've been doing things. Don't you see where this is taking you?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Listen to her.


"Angel: Five by Five (#1.18)" (2000)
[to Wesley about Angel]
Cordelia Chase: You can always tell when he's happy. His scowl is slightly less scowly.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: If there's even a chance she could be reasoned with...
Angel: There was. Last year, I had a shot at saving her. I was pulling her back from the brink when some British guy kidnapped her and made damn sure that she'd never trust another living soul.
Cordelia Chase: Angel, it's not Wesley's fault that *some* British guy ruined your- Oh, wait.
[to Wesley]
Cordelia Chase: That was you.
[to Angel]
Cordelia Chase: Go on.

Cordelia Chase: I'm gonna pack a bag.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia, please. Just a few things. We're not going on safari.

Cordelia Chase: Phantom Dennis, let us in. It's alright. It's only Wesley.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Dennis your ghost, I presume?
Cordelia Chase: Yes. He's jealous.
[to Dennis]
Cordelia Chase: Don't worry, hell will freeze over before I have sex with him.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Thank goodness for small favors.

Angel: Giles said she left Sunnydale about a week ago. He described her mental state as borderline psychotic.
Cordelia Chase: That explains her outfit.

Angel: Help me track her down. I want you two to check police reports - beatings, killings - anything within the last week, possibly near bus stations and bars. And then you make yourselves scarce. I don't want to give her any free targets.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You've been targeted by a psychotic! I'm certainly not going to run and hide.
Cordelia Chase: I like the plan where I'm scarce.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: We've got to band together. Strength in numbers.
Cordelia Chase: Two is a number.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Wish (#3.9)" (1998)
Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.
Anya: [Anya has just become human] Done.
Cordelia: That would be cool. No wait, I wish Buffy Summers had never been born.
Anya: [bewildered] Done.
Cordelia: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.
Anya: Done.
Cordelia: In fact, I wish all men, except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind, disappear off the face of the Earth. That would be so cool.

Cordelia: No, no, no way. I wish us into bizarro-land and you guys are still together?

Cordelia: Okay, not funny. Hey. You. Where did you put my car?
Caretaker: Pardon?
Cordelia: My auto. El convertablo.

Cordelia: What is this? Some kind of sick joke? Harmony told me you were dead.
Xander: [as Vamp Xander] Now, why would she say something like that? Let's think.

Cordelia: You know what I've been asking myself a lot this last week? Why me? Why do *I* get impaled? Why do I get bitten by snakes? Why do I fall for incredible losers? And, you know, I think I've finally figured it out. What my problem is. It's Buffy Summers.

Cordelia Chase: [about vampire-Xander and vampire-Willow] No way! I wish us into bizarro-world and you two are still together?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Some Assembly Required (#2.2)" (1997)
Cordelia: Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander: [coughed] Karma!
[fake cough]

Willow Rosenberg: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game.
Buffy: You know what this means.
Xander: That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year?
Buffy: She wasn't killed by vampires. Somebody did dig up her corpse.
Cordelia: Ew! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word 'corpse' in it?

[Willow asks Cordelia whether she wants to go on the zombie-hunting adventure]
Cordelia: Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew you were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've canceled.
Xander: All right, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh?
[Cordelia huffs and leaves the library]
Giles: Xander?
Xander: Huh?
Giles: Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living.
Xander: Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face?

Cordelia: Hello, can we deal with my pain, please?
[pats her on the back, not interested]
Giles: There, there.

Cordelia: What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there's anything I could ever do to...
Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here. So, where were we?
Willow Rosenberg: Wondering why we never get dates.
Xander: Yeah. So, why do you think that is?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Welcome to the Hellmouth (#1.1)" (1997)
Cordelia: Willow, nice dress. Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.

Cordelia: It's in the bad part of town.
Buffy: Where's that?
Cordelia: About a half a block from the good part of town. We don't have a whole lot of town here.

Cordelia: Well, you'll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A., so you can skip the written, but let's see. Vamp nail polish?
Buffy Summers: Um, over?
Cordelia: So over. James Spader?
Buffy Summers: He needs to call me.
Cordelia: Frappaccinos?
Buffy Summers: Trendy, but tasty.
Cordelia: John Tesh?
Buffy Summers: The Devil.
Cordelia: That was pretty much a gimme, but... you passed.

Cordelia: I would kill to live in L.A. That close to that many shoes...

Cordelia Chase: Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker.
Buffy Summers: Dead?
Cordelia Chase: Totally dead. Way dead.
Xander Harris: So not just a little dead then?


"Angel: To Shanshu in L.A. (#1.22)" (2000)
Cordelia: Typical. I hook up with the only person in history who ever came to LA to get older.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What connects us to life is a simple truth that we're a part of it. We live, we grow, we change. But Angel...
Cordelia: Can't do any of those things.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [researching Angel's destiny] Uh, oops. I may have made a tiny mistake. Uh, the word "shanshu" that I said meant you were going to die? Actually, I think it means you're going to live.
Cordelia: Okay, as tiny mistakes go, that's not one!

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [about the word 'shanshu' in the scroll] This word is *pivotal* to what it prophesies about the vampire with a soul.
Cordelia: Well, hurry up and figure out what it says about Angel, cos I wanna know what it says about me. If there's torrid romance in my future? Massive wealth? If I have to, I'll settle for enviable fame.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It's an ancient sacred text, not a magic 8-ball.


"Angel: Blind Date (#1.21)" (2000)
Wesley: In a sense. The human eye is only capable of registering a small portion of the electromagnetic spectrum, but if Brewer was somehow equipped to see outside that range...
Cordelia: She'd be Superman. What's the diff' in how she sees, anyway? So she can look at the bars of her cell. Why are we still talking about this?

Lindsey McDonald: Sorry I'm late. Hope I didn't worry anyone.
Cordelia: We just figured you were dead.

[Wesley slams shut a book on demonology in frustration]
Wesley: Demons with one eye, demons with twelve eyes, some with double vision, but no blind demons. Perhaps Angel's discovered a new species.
Cordelia: What? Helen Kellerus Homocidalus?

Angel: She murdered a man right in front of me and I can't even testify to that fact in a court of law.
Cordelia: Well, maybe in night court you could...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Killed by Death (#2.18)" (1998)
[Cordelia and Giles are looking at demons in books]
Cordelia: Eww, what does this do?
Giles: What?
Cordelia: What does this do?
Giles: Uh, it, uh, extracts vital organs to replenish its own mutating cells.
Cordelia: Wow. What does this one do?
Giles: Um, i-it elongates its mouth to, uh, engulf its victim's head with its incisors.
Cordelia: Ouch. Wait, what does this one do?
[points to another]
Giles: [frustrated] It asks endless questions of those with whom it's supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done.
Cordelia: Boy, there's a demon for everything.

Cordelia: Nobody told me I was supposed to bring a gift. I was out of the loop on gifts.
Giles: It's-it's traditional among... erm... people.

Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.

Cordelia: I was using the phrase, "watch her back," as a euphemism for, "looking at her butt."


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Go Fish (#2.20)" (1998)
Cordelia: It's about time our school excelled at something.
Willow: Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.
Xander: We're number one!

[Cordelia thinks Xander has turned into a fish monster]
Cordelia: I want you to know that I still care about you, no matter what you look like. And-and we can still date. Or-or not. I mean, I understand if you wanna see other fish. I'll do everything I can to make your quality of life better, whether that means little bath toys or whatever.

Cordelia: [to Buffy] So he spit it out? I thought Angel liked blood.
Buffy: He used to.
Willow: Maybe his eyes were too big for his stomach.
Buffy: Or maybe there was something in Gage's blood that Angel didn't like. Say, for example, steroids.
Willow: That would explain all their behavioral changes.
Cordelia: And their winning streak.
Willow: So maybe whatever's in their blood is what's attracting this creature to them.

Cordelia: You were courageous. And you looked really hot in those Speedos.


"Angel: The Price (#3.19)" (2002)
Cordelia Chase: You can run away, avoid talking about this, but you know as well as I do that stuff we do in the past usually comes back to bite us in our respective "assi". And what you did...
Angel: Okay! So maybe I wasn't thinking too clearly. I mean, I was drunk for a while. Drunk on my own son's blood, slipped into my food by the good folks at Wolfram and Hart. And my head was a little clouded with rage over a trusted friend stealing my child from me- Damnit Cordelia! You got me talkin' about this.
Cordelia Chase: Probably just needed to vent.

Cordelia Chase: I give up. Tried soaking it out, tried scrubbing it out. No question, we've got ring around the lobby. I say we toss in the towel and buy a big-ass throw rug. Who's with me?

Angel: At least we have one advantage.
Cordelia Chase: What? They glow in the dark? How's that supposed to help us unless we shut off all the lights in the- Holy crap. You're not serious.

[a creature like a transparent scorpion slithers from a corpse and makes a dash across the Hyperion lobby floor. Cordelia screams and pulls herself up onto the counter desk]
Charles Gunn: Okay. That was a thing.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: A big, ugly slug thing!
Cordelia Chase: [panicky] Ooh! Where did it go?
The Groosalugg: [fiercely] It has vanished. Just like the glass eels in the Krag Swamp in UxenBlarg.
[off their looks]
The Groosalugg: I'm just making an observation.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Graduation Day: Part 2 (#3.22)" (1999)
Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with humus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.
Cordelia: Thank you.

Giles: Buffy no longer needs a Watcher. She'll not be working with Wesley from now on.
Cordelia: But he is her Watcher.
Giles: Buffy no longer needs a Watcher.
Cordelia: Well, does he have to leave the country? I mean, you got fired and you still hang around like a big loser. Why can't he?
Xander: Cordelia, we are trying to stop a massacre here. Want to give us a hand?
Cordelia: Sure, this is just such a Buffy thing to do. She is always thinking of herself.

Cordelia: I demand an explanation.
Xander: For what?
Cordelia: Wesley.
Xander: Uh, inbreeding?
Cordelia: So very funny. Any minute I am sure to laugh.

Angel: [about the mayor] Well, he's not crazy about germs.
Cordelia: Of course, that's it. We'll attack him with germs.
Buffy: Great. We'll get him cornered and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No, we'll get a container of Ebola virus and, and, um- Or, it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says Ebola on it and, um, chase him.
[long pause]
Cordelia: With the box.
Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the humus offensive.
Oz: He'll never see it comin'.


"Angel: Reprise (#2.15)" (2001)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Things'll pick up. They're bound to.
Cordelia Chase: Yeah. It's L.A. The evil's probably just tied up in traffic, or something.

Cordelia Chase: I don't even know what you are anymore.
Angel: I'm a vampire. Look it up.
[he walks out]
Cordelia Chase: [about Angel] What a jerk!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia...
Cordelia Chase: I mean if it was anybody else, I would just say 'get laid, already!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia...
Cordelia Chase: [pacing] But, no, not him. One decent boff, and he switches to evil psycho-vamp. Which, in a way, would be better for everyone. Better for him, because he'd get some, and better for us, because then we could
[makes a staking motion]
Cordelia Chase: stake him afterwards.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia, ambulance.
[Wesley's wound is bleeding]
Cordelia Chase: Oh, my God.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I'm not really feeling that great.
Cordelia Chase: Oh, well, your guts opened up.

Cordelia Chase: [answering the phone] Hello.
Mrs. Sharp: [on the phone] Miss Chase?
Cordelia Chase: [on the phone] Oh, Mrs. Sharp!
Mrs. Sharp: [on the phone] We were hoping you'd still be in the office.
Cordelia Chase: [on the phone] The back of your daughter's head is still okay, right? Because it's not like we offer a money-back guarantee. But then, you never paid us, did you?
[pause]
Cordelia Chase: You do? Right now. No, that's great! Umm... You're on my way home, give or take thirty miles... Personal check? Normally not, but fine... Will you give me the address again? Uh-huh... Okay, great. I'll see you soon.
[hangs up]
Mrs. Sharp: [to the Demon in her home] One of them is on their way here.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Gingerbread (#3.11)" (1999)
Giles: We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
Cordelia: Now, let's be clear, the brain damage happened before I hit you.

Cordelia: I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness and found you all unconscious - again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times you're gonna wake up in a coma.

[to Giles]
Cordelia: God, you really were the little youthful offender, weren't you? You must just look back on that and cringe.

Cordelia: You're going to be one busy little Slayer, baby-sitting them.
Buffy: I doubt they'll have any more trouble.
Cordelia: Amy is a witch. And Michael is whatever the boy of "witch" is, plus being the poster child for yuck.
Buffy: Corde...
Cordelia: I doubt your doubt. Everyone knows that witches killed those kids. And If you hang with them, expect badness, 'cause that's what you get when you hang with freaks and losers. Believe me, I know. That was a pointed comment about me hanging with you guys.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Innocence (#2.14)" (1998)
Cordelia: This is great. There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined *his* team, the Slayer's a basket case, I'd say we've hit bottom.
Xander: I have a plan.
Cordelia: Oh no, here's a lower place.

Cordelia: So does looking at guns really make girls wanna have sex? That's scary.
Xander: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Cordelia: Pieces? We get the pieces? Our job sucks!

Cordelia Chase: So does looking at guns really make girls wanna have sex? That's scary.
Xander Harris: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia Chase: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander Harris: I'm 17. Look at Linoleum makes me wanna have sex.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Dark Age (#2.8)" (1997)
[dead body liquefies]
Willow: Well, there's something you don't see everyday.
Cordelia: I'm gonna be in therapy 'til I'm 30.

Giles: Is everyone alright?
Cordelia: Super. I kicked a guy.
Jenny Calendar: We're okay.
Xander Harris: Dead guy here interrupted our tutorial.
[to dead guy]
Xander Harris: Been meaning to thank you for that.

Cordelia: Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a year's supply of acne cream? A brain.
Xander Harris: That's it. Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'. I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwin' down, come on.

Willow: [yelling] Hey! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble. Now, we have to put our heads together and-and get them out of it. And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!
Cordelia: [cowed] We're sorry.
Xander Harris: [also cowed] We'll be good.


"Angel: Tomorrow (#3.22)" (2002)
Angel: He's gonna need clothes, weekly allowance. What's good nowadays? Fifty cents? A dollar?
Cordelia: Yeah, if you're Tom Sawyer paintin' a fence.
Angel: See, I'm so outta touch. He's gonna hate me.
Cordelia: No, he's not. He's gonna love you.
Angel: How do you know?
Cordelia: Because you're you.
Angel: Me. A vampire.
Cordelia: You, a vampire.
Angel: Who drinks blood, keeps to the shadows, and is older than everybody he knows put together.
Cordelia: You're all those things, plus tight with a buck. But none of that matters.
Angel: Why not?
Cordelia: Because you have the biggest and best heart of anyone I've ever known. He's a smart kid. He'll figure it out.

The Groosalugg: Might I further relieve you by at first gently and then more rapidly rubbing your schlug-tee?
Cordelia: Uh, I don't really, um... Maybe later at home.
[whispers]
Cordelia: I don't feel comfortable doing it in the office, Groo.
The Groosalugg: Doing it?
Cordelia: Sex.
The Groosalugg: [too loudly] Oh, you wish to have sex!
Cordelia: What? No! Shh!
The Groosalugg: I was proposing a massage of your schlug-tee. Your tense neck muscle. But, it is always an honor to make sex with you!
[whispers]
The Groosalugg: Later at home. I understand perfectly.

Angel: I found Holtz.
Cordelia: And?
Angel: I didn't kill him.
Cordelia: Maybe you're growing as a person.

Cordelia: I'm not telling your sixteen-year-old boy that.
Angel: Well, someone's gotta make sure he knows the facts of life. My track record with the whole man/woman thing isn't, you know, I don't wanna use the words tragic farce...


"Angel: Happy Anniversary (#2.13)" (2001)
Cordelia Chase: We'll do it. We'll do anything!
Virginia Bryce: Oh. That's so sad.

Virginia Bryce: I'll call Patty and tell her you'll take the job.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Uh, sweetie, no phone.
Cordelia Chase: Also, no lights.
Charles Gunn: And there's a funky smell.
Virginia Bryce: I wasn't gonna say anything.

[first lines]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: When they went out of business, they just left these here.
Cordelia Chase: Yep. Also the desk. We'll share.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: And when we go out of business, we can just leave our stuff for the next guy.

[Virginia finds Cordelia, Wesley, and Gunn sulking in their run-down new office]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Sorry, sweetheart. You just caught us in a moment of... Well...
Cordelia Chase: Reality.
Virginia Bryce: Oh, - that. I avoid that.
Charles Gunn: How do you avoid reality?
Virginia Bryce: Money. It cures everything but boredom
[holds up a basket of food]
Virginia Bryce: and food cures boredom, so there you go. Imported chips and packets of cheese.
Charles Gunn: Thanks.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: We'll enjoy them huddled 'round our pathetic candles.
Cordelia Chase: We'll make pathetic nachos.
Virginia Bryce: You guys are really down.
Charles Gunn: Yeah, and don't try to tell us there's nowhere to go but up. Because the truth is, there's always more down.


"Angel: Dead End (#2.18)" (2001)
Cordelia Chase: Soup and salad, too? What is going on here?
Angel: I forgot what you liked.
Cordelia Chase: Why didn't you ask me?
Angel: Well, you said, why is everyone asking you if they can get you anything. I-I didn't wanna do that.
Cordelia Chase: So you did this instead.
Angel: Yup.
Cordelia Chase: I love you.

Angel: There's only one thing we can do now.
Cordelia Chase: Oh, God. Oh, no!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: The karaoke bar.
Charles Gunn: Angel's gonna sing?
Cordelia Chase: Isn't there some other way?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: There has to be. Think, damnit!
Angel: Hey! Come on.

[Lindsey is singing]
Cordelia Chase: Wow, h-he's good.
Charles Gunn: Lawyer's got some pipes.
Angel: You think he's good?
Cordelia Chase: Shh!
Angel: What is that? Rock, country, ballad? Pick a style, pal.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Shh!
Lorne: Angelcakes, don't make me ask you to leave.

Angel: You know, when I was in charge here, nobody questioned my methods, or my singing.
Cordelia Chase: You're half right.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Out of Mind, Out of Sight (#1.11)" (1997)
Cordelia: People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing!

Cordelia: Somebody is after me! They just tried to kill Ms. Miller? Uh, she was helping me with my homework. And Mitch! And Harmony? This is all about me! Me, me, me!
Xander: Wow! For once she's right!
Buffy: So you've come to *me* for help.
Cordelia: [nods] Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons... I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.

Cordelia: You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.
Buffy: Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?
Cordelia: Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Ted (#2.11)" (1997)
Cordelia Chase: Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?

Xander: Whatcha got in the closet, Ted?
[he opens the door and looks inside with his flashlight and can't believe his eyes. He quickly slams the door shut]
Xander: Let's go.
Cordelia Chase: But we need evidence
Xander: We got it.
Willow: What's in there?
Xander: His first four wives.

Willow: Buffy is not going to jail. It's not fair.
Giles: Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. She's taken a human life. The guilt is... it's pretty hard to bear. It won't go away soon.
Cordelia Chase: I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time.
Giles: Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer (2002) (VG)
Cordelia: All this fuss over a stupid book? Why don't you people get your priorities straight? Hel-lo! Cheerleading competition this week!

Cordelia: What are you doing just standing here? You need to save our tight end! We need him for the game, and for my morale! On the other hand, that skank slut hitting on him at the Bronze, strictly optional.

[to a vampire]
Cordelia: How gross are you?


"Angel: Long Day's Journey (#4.9)" (2003)
Cordelia Chase: Why did the small, yucky man say that?

Gwen Raiden: Manny said he was an orb-keeper, right? Maybe he kept an orb.
Cordelia Chase: In his head?
Gwen Raiden: Where do you keep yours?

Gwen Raiden: I'm just saying it never would've happened on my watch.
Cordelia Chase: Gosh no. 'Cause you're Super Tramp.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Becoming: Part 2 (#2.22)" (1998)
Cordelia: I ran. I think I made it through three counties before I realized nobody was chasing me. Not too brave.
Buffy: It was the right thing to do.

Willow Rosenberg: I think the spell worked. I felt something go through me.
Cordelia: Plus the orb did that cool glow thing.
Xander Harris: Well, maybe it wasn't in time. Maybe she had to kill him before the cure could work.
Oz: Then she'd wanna be alone, I guess.
Willow Rosenberg: Or maybe Angel *was* saved and they wanna be alone together.
Rupert Giles: Perhaps.
Cordelia: Well, she's gotta show up sooner or later. We still have school.
Willow Rosenberg: Yeah.
[looks around hopefully]
Willow Rosenberg: She'll be here in a while.
[the gang parts ways. Camera pans to Buffy looking on sadly, then onto a bus and her leaving town]

Willow Rosenberg: The curse. We never got to finish it. Maybe we can restore Angel's soul.
Xander Harris: I don't like it. You're talking about messing with powerful magic, and you're weak.
Willow Rosenberg: I'm okay.
Xander Harris: You don't look okay. Does she?
Cordelia: You should listen to him. The hair, it's so flat, and the lips...
Xander Harris: Could we stay on topic here, honey?
Cordelia: What?
Xander Harris: Look, it's not a good idea.
Willow Rosenberg: There's no use arguing with me. Do you see my resolve face? You've seen it before, you know what it means.


"Angel: The Prodigal (#1.15)" (2000)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I think you'll find most people require some period of adjustment after being confronted with the dark forces which surround us. Women in particular...
[Cordelia is kneeling over a demon with a hacksaw in hand]
Cordelia Chase: Found it!
[starts to saw into the demon]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: ...struggle with it.

Angel: So, you're back.
Cordelia Chase: Very good, Mister I-can't-tail-the-suspect-during-the-day-because-I'll-burst-into-flames Private Eye.

Cordelia Chase: The installation guy said it should be something easy to remember, like... my birthday.
Angel: I don't know your birthday.
Cordelia Chase: Yeah, tell me something you don't know that I don't know.


"Angel: I've Got You Under My Skin (#1.14)" (2000)
[Cordelia is cutting brownies with Wesley's demon hunting knife]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: That is not appropriate; it's for killing extinct demons. Angel, make her stop. That blade is very old. Who knows what kind of corrosive effect her cooking may have on it?
Cordelia Chase: Corrosive effect?
[pointing the knife at Wesley]
Angel: Cordelia, just put down the very sharp knife.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Well, they don't smell right.
Cordelia Chase: I think "Mister too much cologne" is the pot calling the kettle stinky.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: A little Silas Eucalyptus Powder ingested by the host...
Cordelia Chase: Then what? Dad goes "grrr"? Head spins around?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Essentially.

Cordelia Chase: What is this stuff anyway? It's kind of pretty.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Uh, it's the bodily excretions of an Ethros demon.
Cordelia Chase: No one could have said 'demon poo' before I touched it?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: School Hard (#2.3)" (1997)
Rupert Giles: For three nights, the unholy ones scourge themselves into a fury, um, culminating in a savage attack on the Night of St. Vigeous.
Xander Harris: Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night?
Cordelia Chase: You sure don't.

Cordelia Chase: Giles has us locked up in that library working on your weapons. Even slaves get minimum wage.

Cordelia Chase: [praying] And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they really deserve it or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible...
Willow Rosenberg: Ask for some aspirin.
Cordelia Chase: And can you please send some asp- Hey.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Graduation Day: Part 1 (#3.21)" (1999)
Xander: The Mayor is gonna kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
Cordelia: Yeah. Me too.

Cordelia: I can't believe this loser look. I lobbied so hard for the teal. No one ever listens to me. Lone fashionable wolf.
Xander: I like the maroon, has more dignity.
Cordelia: Dignity? You? In relation to clothes? I'm awash in a sea of confusion.

Xander: I've been lucky too many times. My number's coming up. And I was short! One more rotation and I'm shipping stateside! You know what I mean?
Cordelia: Seldom if ever.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Faith, Hope & Trick (#3.3)" (1998)
Faith: God, I could eat a horse. Isn't it crazy how slaying just always makes you hungry and horny?
[everybody looks at Buffy]
Buffy: Well... Sometimes I-I crave a nonfat yogurt afterwards.
Cordelia: I get it!
[everybody looks at Cordelia]
Cordelia: Not the horny thing, yuck! But the two slayer thing. There was one, and then Buffy died for like two minutes, so then Kendra was called, and then when she died, Faith was called.

Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too couply around Buffy. She's still keeping to herself and brooding, refusing to talk to us.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how Angel, the only guy that ever liked her, turned into a vicious killer and she had to put him down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell or what?
Oz: Alright, prepare to uncouple... Uncouple.
[both couples separate]

Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Puppet Show (#1.9)" (1997)
Cordelia: All I can think is, it coulda been me.
Xander: We can dream.

[Cordelia's droning on and on. Giles starts staring at her hair]
Cordelia: What?
Giles: Oh, I-I'm sorry. Um, your hair, uh...
Cordelia: [concerned] There's something wrong with my hair?
[she touches her hair for a second]
Cordelia: Oh my God.
[she runs off]
Giles: Xander was right. It worked like a charm.

Giles: Cordelia, there's a-a-an adage, uh, that, um, if you're feeling nervous, then, uh, you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear.
Cordelia: Ew! Even Mrs. Franklin? Eh.
Giles: Perhaps not.


"Angel: Expecting (#1.12)" (2000)
Cordelia: You're not gonna hurt my babies. No one's gonna hurt my babies.

Cordelia: I learned something, too. I learned, um, men are evil? Oh, wait, I knew that. I learned that LA is full of self-serving phonies. Nope. Had that one down, too. Ahh, sex is bad?
Angel: We all knew that.
Cordelia: Okay. I learned that I have two people I trust absolutely with my life. And that part's new.

Cordelia: [about a director] He says that all I had to do is let him impregnate me with his demon master's seed, and I've got the part!


"Angel: Lullaby (#3.9)" (2001)
Darla: Doesn't anyone wanna sit back here with me?
Cordelia Chase: We're good.
Charles Gunn: Yeah, it's, comfy.
Darla: I promise I won't throw anyone out of the car. Not while it's moving.
Fred: It's not that we don't trust you. I mean, we don't trust you, but, the fact is, your water broke all over the back seat.
Darla: Oh.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [Darla's in labor] It would be a lot better if we had those Ancient prophecies to guide us.
Cordelia Chase: Please, women have been giving birth without Ancient prophecies for years.

Lorne: [to Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and Fred] Here? She wants to have it here? This is a terrible idea. Can't you see I'm working my tosh off trying to get ready for a grand reopening?
[to a worker]
Lorne: Girsh entrails behind the bar, next to the maraschinos.
[back to the group]
Lorne: I can't have a baby here. I just had the booths Simonized.
Cordelia Chase: Lorne, what do you want us to do? Tell Angel and Darla they're not welcome here?
Lorne: No. No, of course not. Caritas is and will always be a sanctuary.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lovers Walk (#3.8)" (1998)
Oz: It's Willow, she's nearby.
Cordelia: What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume.
Oz: She's afraid.
Cordelia: Oh my God, is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing.
Oz: I really agree.

Cordelia: I don't know. I just thought we were gonna do something, you know... classy.
Xander: What's classier than bowling?
Cordelia: Apart from everything ever?

Cordelia: You're having too many or's. Pick one.


"Angel: Calvary (#4.12)" (2003)
Cordelia Chase: Do you know what Angelus would do if we let him out?
Lilah Morgan: Kill you all in a bloody shower of violence. But, hey, greater good.

Cordelia Chase: Never do I have the happy frolicking puppy visions. Always bones and death and...
Connor: We got the skull of the soul-eater.
Cordelia Chase: I'm just sayin'.

Lilah Morgan: [while running away from Angelus, Cordelia grabs her from behind] He's gonna kill us!
Cordelia Chase: I know.
[pulls out the dagger made from The Beast's skin and plunges it into Lilah's throat]
Cordelia Chase: Why do you think I let him out, you stupid bitch?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: What's My Line?: Part 2 (#2.10)" (1997)
Cordelia: I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on earth here with you.
Xander: I hope these are my last moments. Three more seconds with you and I'm gonna...
Cordelia: 'I'm gonna' what? Coward!
Xander: Moron!
Cordelia: I hate you!
Xander: I hate you!
[they kiss]
Xander: We so need to get outta here.
Cordelia: Uh-huh.

[an assassin has trapped Cordelia and Xander in Buffy's basement]
Xander: What are you doin'?
Cordelia: Going to see if he's gone.
Xander: That's brilliant. What if he isn't?
Cordelia: Oh, right. You think we should just slack here and hope that somebody else decides to be a hero? Sorry, forgot I was stranded with a loser!
Xander: And yet I never forgot that I'm stuck with the numb-brain who let Mr. Mutant in the house in the first place!
Cordelia: He looked normal!
Xander: What? Is he supposed to have an arrow with the word 'assassin' over his head? All it took was the prospect of a free makeover, and you licked his hand like a big, dumb dog.

Cordelia: You know what? I'm going. I'd rather be worm food than look at *your* pathetic face.
Xander: Then go. I'm not stopping ya.
Cordelia: I bet you wouldn't. I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself.
Xander: Not just any girl. You're special.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dead Man's Party (#3.2)" (1998)
Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
Cordelia: What's the difference?
Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
Xander: Well, I hate brie.
Cordelia: I know. It smells like Giles' cat.
Giles: It's not my...

Cordelia: I'm the dip.
[Everyone looks at her]
Xander: Eh, you gotta admire the purity of it.
Cordelia: What? Onion dip. Stirring, not cooking. It's what I bring.

Cordelia: Time out, Xander. Put yourself in Buffy's shoes for just a minute, OK? I'm Buffy, freak of nature, right? Naturally I pick a freak for a boyfriend, and then he turns into Mr. Killing Spree, which is pretty much my fault...
Buffy Summers: Cordy! Get outta my shoes!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Zeppo (#3.13)" (1999)
Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers; Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires; and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.
Xander: I was just talking to... hey, mind your own business.
Cordelia: Ooo, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool.
Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a *lot* to offer.
Cordelia: Oh, please.
Xander: I do.
Cordelia: 'Integral part' of the group? Xander, you're the-the 'useless' part of the group. You're the Zeppo. 'Cool.' Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't.
[Cordelia walks away]
Cordelia: There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

Xander: Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?
Cordelia: Because, unlike all those other creatures that you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there.
Xander: Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?

Cordelia: [to Xander] Boy, of all the humiliations you've had I've witnessed, that was the latest.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Revelations (#3.7)" (1998)
[the gang angrily confronts Buffy on Angel's return]
Giles: You must've known it was wrong, seeing Angel, or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us.
Buffy: I was going to tell you, I was. It was just that I-I didn't know why he was back. I just wanted to wait.
Xander: For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?
Buffy: I'm not going to... look... we're not together like that.
Oz: But you were kissing him.
Buffy: [to Xander] You were spying on me? What gives you the right?
Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What? You just tripped and fell on his lips?
Buffy: It was wrong, okay? I know that and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me, I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for a second that Angel was gonna hurt anyone...
Xander: You would stop him? Like you tried the last time when he took down Miss Calendar?

Cordelia: Hello, Miss Not-Over-Yourself-Yet?

Buffy: What are you guys talking about?
Oz: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.
Buffy: He's not my boyfriend. Really, truly, he's... I don't know.
[to Xander]
Buffy: Are we cool?
Xander: Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you.
Cordelia: I don't. Just for the record.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Beauty and the Beasts (#3.4)" (1998)
Cordelia: He didn't? Pete was a monster? Where have I been?
Xander: In your special place, Cor, which is why I adore you.

Cordelia: Great, now I'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day.

[Buffy enters the library, with an uncomfortableness in the air]
Buffy: I'm afraid to ask.
Cordelia: Oz ate someone last night.
Willow: [defensively] He did not!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (#2.16)" (1998)
Cordelia: Xander, what's going on? Who died and made you Elvis?

Cordelia: What are you doing? Are you going like stalker-boy on me now?

Cordelia: Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.
Harmony Kendall: I'm not a sheep.
Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is.


"Angel: She (#1.13)" (2000)
Cordelia Chase: Diego! Pants on!

Cordelia Chase: [to Angel] I was so glad you came. You know how parties are? You're always worried that no one's gonna suck the energy out of the room like a giant black hole of boring despair. But, there you were in the clinch!

Cordelia Chase: [to Wesley] Wow. Groveling isn't just a way of life for you, it's an art.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Earshot (#3.18)" (1999)
Cordelia Chase: Hi, Mr. Beech. I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow? Oh, it's for the yearbook.

Cordelia Chase: Please, Like shame is something you should be proud of...


"Angel: War Zone (#1.20)" (2000)
Cordelia Chase: I've missed that smell.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Camembert, I believe.
Cordelia Chase: What? No, money. I like to smell a little money once in a while.
Angel: She's not just saying that. Hide some in the office sometime and watch her. It's uncanny.

Cordelia Chase: Did someone find out you were a big nerd?
David Nabbit: No. That's a-that's actually public record.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Choices (#3.19)" (1999)
Xander Harris: Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance?
Cordelia Chase: None of your business. Certainly nowhere near you losers.
Buffy Summers: Okay, you guys. Don't forget to breathe between insults.
Cordelia Chase: I'm sorry, Buffy. This conversation is reserved for those who actually have a future.

Xander Harris: I have a theory. Your snide remarks earlier? I'm guessing grapes a little on the sour side. Didn't get into any schools, did ya? The grades were there, but ooh, if it weren't for that pesky interview. Ten minutes with you and the Admissions Department decided that they'd already reached their mean-spirited superficial princess quotas.
Cordelia Chase: And once again, the gold medal in the Being Wrong event goes to Xander "I'm as stupid as I look" Harris.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Anne (#3.1)" (1998)
Cordelia Chase: Las Palmas was the nightmare resort. They order you around, and make you have organized "fun". And I use sarcastic quote marks.

Xander Harris: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity.
Cordelia Chase: What's the plan?
Xander Harris: The vampire attacks you.
Cordelia Chase: And then what?
Xander Harris: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Band Candy (#3.6)" (1998)
Cordelia: Mom started borrowing my clothes. There should be an age limit on Lycra pants. And Dad, he just locked himself in the bathroom with old copies of Esquire.

[about the SATs]
Cordelia: Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests.
[everyone looks at her]
Cordelia: What? I can't have layers?


"Angel: Salvage (#4.13)" (2003)
Cordelia Chase: Faith? What the hell is she doing here?
Faith: Nice to see you too, Cor.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: She's here to help.
Cordelia Chase: Oh, gee! That's great. Oh, wait a sec. Wasn't she convicted of murder and sent to a state correctional facility for, like, a gazillion years?
Faith: Murder two, twenty-five to life, for the record.

Cordelia Chase: [to Connor] A weakness for slayers. You're definitely his son.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: What's My Line?: Part 1 (#2.9)" (1997)
Cordelia: 'I aspire to help my fellow man.' Check. As long as he's not smelly, dirty or something gross.
Xander: Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty.
Cordelia: Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice.
Xander: [to Willow and Buffy] Is murder always a crime?

Cordelia: What am I, mass transportation?
Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Angel (#1.7)" (1997)
Cordelia Chase: [to Xander] Please get your extreme oafishness off my two-hundred-dollar shoes.

Xander: You're in love with a vampire? What, are you outta your mind?
Cordelia Chase: What?
Xander: Not vampire. How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!
Cordelia Chase: Where did you get that dress?
[pursues another student]
Cordelia Chase: This is a one-of-a-kind Todd Oldham. Do you know how much this dress cost? Is this a knockoff? This is a knockoff, isn't it? Some cheesy knockoff! This is exactly what happens when you sign these free trade agreements!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: When She Was Bad (#2.1)" (1997)
Cordelia: [to Buffy] Whatever's causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain. Spank your inner moppet. Whatever.

Cordelia: You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?


"Angel: Orpheus (#4.15)" (2003)
Cordelia: [magically battling Willow] You wanna go, Glinda? We'll go.

Willow: How've you been?
Cordelia: Higher power. You?
Willow: Ultimate evil. But, I got better.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Becoming: Part 1 (#2.21)" (1998)
Cordelia: [referring to Principal Snyder] How about because you're a tiny impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu?

Cordelia: I think it's great to do that before you go out and fail in the real world. That way you're not falling back on something. You're falling... well, forward.
Xander: And almost sixty-five percent of that was actual compliment. Is that a personal best?
Cordelia: Gee Xander, what are you gonna teach when you fail in life? Advanced loser-being?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Prophecy Girl (#1.12)" (1997)
Jenny Calendar: [In Cordelia's car out the school, surrounded by vampires] What do we do now?
Willow Rosenberg: We've gotta get to the library!
Cordelia Chase: Library! Great!
[She burns rubber and makes a fast U-turn, gunning the car toward the school doors]
Willow Rosenberg: Of course, we generally walk there.

Cordelia Chase: [hits a vampire's hand and then bites it. The vampire screams and lets go] See how *you* like it!


"Angel: Sanctuary (#1.19)" (2000)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I can't tell you how sorry I am that I allowed this to happen.
Cordelia Chase: I believe it was Faith who allowed her elbow to collide with my face.

Angel: He'll come around.
Cordelia Chase: Wesley? Sure. People always get a little funny right after they've been sadistically tortured. Well, you'd know.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Consequences (#3.15)" (1999)
Cordelia: [referring to Wesley] Check out Giles: The Next Generation.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Does everybody know about you?
Buffy Summers: She's a friend.
Cordelia: Let's not exaggerate.


"Angel: Awakening (#4.10)" (2003)
Cordelia Chase: Oh, no.
Angel: It's a dead end.
Cordelia Chase: Who booby-traps a dead end? That's just not right.

[last lines]
Wo-Pang: Illusion becomes reality. It is done.
[Angel glances at the others, clearly a different person]
Cordelia Chase: [softly] Angelus.
Angel: [chuckles]
[pan over to the glass jar holding Angel's soul]


"Angel: Couplet (#3.14)" (2002)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Why can't you have sex?
Cordelia Chase: I could lose my "visionity".
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: If you wanna play it that way...

Angel: Just tell me what I can do.
Cordelia Chase: I need you to help me have sex. With Groo.


"Angel: A New World (#3.20)" (2002)
Charles Gunn: Couple weeks ago, he was wearin' diapers. Now he's a teenager?
Cordelia Chase: Tell me we don't live in a soap opera.

The Groosalugg: Princess, perhaps your newfound powers can seal it shut.
Cordelia Chase: Can't hurt to try.
[raises her hands]
Cordelia Chase: I command you close!
[nothing happens]
Cordelia Chase: Okay, I got nothin'.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Reptile Boy (#2.5)" (1997)
Xander Harris: So, Cor, you're datin' college guys, now?
Cordelia Chase: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I happen to be dating a Delta Zeta Kappa.
Xander Harris: Oh, an extra-terrestrial. So that's how you get a date after you exhausted all the human guys.

Cordelia Chase: Come on, Richard and his fraternity brother wanna meet you.
Buffy: Well, I don't really wanna meet any fraternity boys.
Cordelia Chase: And if there was a god, don't you think he'd keep it that way?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Harvest (#1.2)" (1997)
Cordelia Chase: Guys from our grade, forget about it, they're children. Y'know? Like Jesse. Did you see him last night, following me around like a little puppy dog? You just wanna put him to sleep. But senior boys, they have mystery. They have... What's the word I'm searching for? Cars!

Cordelia: [to Willow] Excuse me. Who gave you permission to exist?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Enemies (#3.17)" (1999)
Cordelia Chase: What are you doing Friday night?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Uh, uh, as always my sacred duty as a Watcher prevents me from... Why?
Cordelia Chase: I have a paper to write for English, and you're English, so I thought...
[at everyone's looks]
Cordelia Chase: What? Is it so wrong to be getting an insider's perspective?
[to Wesley]
Cordelia Chase: I study best in a good restaurant, around eightish? Think it over?
[she leaves]
Xander: And on the day the words "flimsy excuse" were redefined, we stood in awe and watched.


"Angel: Habeas Corpses (#4.8)" (2003)
Cordelia Chase: This thing didn't emerge from a portal so much as pothole.


"Angel: The House Always Wins (#4.3)" (2002)
Angel: I know you're there. Watching me.
Cordelia: Oh, my God! Angel, you can hear me? I so love you! You don't know what it's been like.
Fred: We weren't spying.
Cordelia: Oh, for crap's sake.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Phases (#2.15)" (1998)
Cordelia Chase: We came here to do things I can never tell my father about because he still thinks I'm a good girl.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bad Eggs (#2.12)" (1998)
Willow Rosenberg: Did I really hit you?
Xander: You knocked me out.
Cordelia Chase: Did I hit you?
Xander: Yes. Everyone hit me.
Cordelia Chase: Good. Well, I don't mean good because I hit you, but, I didn't wanna be left out.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I Only Have Eyes for You (#2.19)" (1998)
Rupert Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's-it's... it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it.
Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with.
Xander: He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.
[Buffy leaves the room]
Cordelia Chase: Okay. Over-identify much?


"Angel: Blood Money (#2.12)" (2001)
Cordelia Chase: Fun as it is having you guys over day and night, it's getting kind of late.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It's only seven thirty.
Cordelia Chase: Really? Oh, in that case... Get out!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: What if you have a vision?
Cordelia Chase: I'll call you.
Charles Gunn: What if Angel...?
Cordelia Chase: I thought we weren't gonna say the "A" word.
Charles Gunn: Yeah, let's not say the "A" word. Let's just spend out lives sitting around waiting for him to call.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: We're not waiting for him to call. The man fired us. We're on our own now. A separate unit, fighting the good fight.
Charles Gunn: Yeah, right. With no plan, or office or business cards of our own.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: He's never gonna call, is he? Right, I'll tell you the first thing we're scrapping: These stupid calling cards.
Cordelia Chase: They are not stupid. I designed them. That's an angel.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: The universal symbol of the one thing we don't have.
Charles Gunn: That's an angel? Looks like a lobster with a growth or... We'll make our own logo.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Yes, something sleek, but edgy.
Charles Gunn: Something that says: "You need help, we're there".
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Exactly. "Danger is our business. We'll catch you when you fall".
Charles Gunn: Yeah, I like that.
Cordelia Chase: [Cordelia has a vision and falls] Guys...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Helpless (#3.12)" (1999)
[Buffy has learned that Giles has robbed her of her powers for a Council test]
Giles: You have to listen to me. Because I've told you this, the test is invalidated. You will be safe now, I promise you. Now, whatever I have to do to deal with Kralik... and to win back your trust...
Buffy: You stuck a needle in me. You poisoned me.
Cordelia: [Cordelia walks in] What's going on? Oh, God. Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother.
Giles: [ignoring Cordelia] You can't walk home alone, Buffy. It isn't safe.
Buffy: I don't know you.
Cordelia: Did something take her memory? He's Giles. Gi-els. He hangs out here a lot.
Buffy: Cordelia, could you please drive me home?
Cordelia: Of course.
[to Giles]
Cordelia: But if the world doesn't end, I'm gonna need a note.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lie to Me (#2.7)" (1997)
Cordelia Chase: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed...
Xander Harris: I think you mean *Oppressed*.
Cordelia Chase: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, 'Let's lose some heads.' Uh. That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake.


"Angel: Apocalypse, Nowish (#4.7)" (2002)
Angel: Always wanted to be a prince. I hear you gotta be born into it.
Cordelia: How do you do that?
Angel: What?
Cordelia: Make everything feel like it's not spiraling apart.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Surprise (#2.13)" (1998)
Xander: This thing with us, despite our better judgement - it keeps happening. Maybe we should just admit that we're dating.
Cordelia: Groping in a broom closet isn't dating. You don't call it a date until the guy spends money.
Xander: Fine. I'll spend, then we'll grope. Whatever.


"Angel: Provider (#3.12)" (2002)
Lorne: They apologize for their paltry offering and hope you'll accept...
[shouts]
Lorne: Fifty thousand dollars?
Angel: Fifty...
Cordelia Chase: Thousand...
Winifred "Fred" Burkle: Dollars?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Amends (#3.10)" (1998)
Cordelia Chase: I'll be in Aspen. Skiing. With *actual* snow.
Buffy: I hear that helps.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Inca Mummy Girl (#2.4)" (1997)
[Cordelia is dressed in a sexy Hawaiian-type costume showing a lot of skin; she notices Willow dressed as an Eskimo]
Cordelia Chase: Oh! Near faux pas! I almost wore the same thing.
[Willow looks humiliated]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Never Kill a Boy on the First Date (#1.5)" (1997)
Cordelia: Ooo! Hello, salty goodness! Pick up the phone, call 911. That boy is gonna need some serious oxygen after I'm through with him.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Prom (#3.20)" (1999)
Cordelia: No dresses, no cell phone, no car - everything has been taken away because Daddy made a little mistake on his taxes... for the last 12 years.


"Angel: Double or Nothing (#3.18)" (2002)
Cordelia: The truth is, if you lived another 200 years, you'd never forget how Connor was taken from you. And you shouldn't. You loved your son, Angel. And you'll go on loving him and missing him. You'll go on living, too. You'll do that.
Angel: I don't know how.
Cordelia: You don't need to. The how works itself out. Life will just keep on happening. There'll be people who need us, and so we'll help them. 'Cause that's what we do.


"Angel: Supersymmetry (#4.5)" (2002)
Angel: No more lies.
Cordelia: Good. Because, there's something I need to know. Were we in love?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Teacher's Pet (#1.4)" (1997)
Cordelia Chase: I don't know what to say. It was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was... let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces? Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Doppelgangland (#3.16)" (1999)
Cordelia: [discussing the ethics of boyfriend stealing] Okay, it isn't even like I was that attracted to Xander, it was more just that we kept being put in these life or death situations and that's always all sexy and stuff. I mean, I more or less knew he was a loser but that doesn't make it okay for you to come around and...
[notices a bored-looking Vamp Willow staring at her]
Cordelia: What? Do I have something on my neck?
Vamp Willow: Not yet.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Unaired Pilot (#1.0)" (1996)
Cordelia Chase: Has any girl ever spoken to you of her own free will? I don't think so.
Xander Harris: You know I've often wondered why that is.
Cordelia Chase: Got a mirror?
[Cordy walks away]
Xander Harris: Check back tomorrow, I'll have that devastating comeback ready.