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Quotes for
Spike (Character)
from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997)

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"Angel: Underneath (#5.17)" (2004)
[as the Camaro SS is driving itself]
Angel: This is weirdin' me out. Is this weirding you out?
Spike: What, you never heard of Knight Rider? Knight Industries 2000? KITT? Never mind.

Gunn: Where we're goin', not in the Thomas Guide.
Spike: There's gonna be fire.

Spike: [walks outside to find the Camaro missing] Didn't we have a car?

Spike: [seeing instruments of torture in the basement of Lindsey's "house"] Somebody has fun with these.

Spike: [after landing on the hood of one of Angel's cars when coming back from "hell"] I'm on fire!
[looks down]
Spike: Oh. Never mind.

Spike: [Eve's replacement as the Senior Partner's liaison reaches in his jacket pocket and pulls out a pen] Wow. Didn't see that coming.

Lindsey McDonald: That's what I like to see. Angel of yore. Takes no prisoners. Suffers no fools. How about this? It's here. It's been here all along, underneath. You're just too damn stupid to see it.
Angel: See what?
Lindsey McDonald: The Apocalypse, man. You're soakin' in it.
Spike: I've seen an Apocalypse or two in my time. I'd know if one was going on under my nose.
Lindsey McDonald: Not "an" Apocalypse. "The" Apocalypse. What... you think a gong was gonna sound? Time to jump on your horses and fight the big fight? Starting pistol went off a long time ago, boys. Since you came to work here at Wolfram & Hart, you're playin' for the bad guys. Every day you sit behind your desk and you learn a little more how to accept the world the way it is. Well, here's the rub. Heroes don't do that. Heroes don't accept the world the way it is. They fight it.
Angel: You're saying that everything we do here... it's a distraction to keep us busy from looking under the surface?
Lindsey McDonald: Ding! We got a winner. Every day the world keeps slidin' towards entropy and degradation. And what do you do? You sit in your big chair and you sign your checks... just like the Senior Partners planned. The war's here, Angel, and you're already two soldiers down.

Angel: The Senior Partners - I wanna know everything you know about them. About the Apocalypse. About their plans for me.
Spike: And for me. The guy with the pen said, "welcome to the team". Must've ment something.
Lindsey McDonald: You already know what I know. Look around. The world's a cesspool, filled with selfish and greedy beasts. We live. We die.
[to Eve]
Lindsey McDonald: Even you, babe.
Eve: Lindsey, don't.
Lindsey McDonald: You still happy to see me?
Angel: Yeah, Hell's on Earth. That's how Wolfram & Hart operates and thrives. Holland Manners tried to sell me that line three years ago.
Lindsey McDonald: Did you ever prove him wrong?
Angel: [beat] All how you look at the glass.

Angel: [about Fred] I should never have let her come here. Bad things always happen here.
Spike: Hate to break it to you, mate, but bad things always happen everywhere.

Spike: You're fixin' to do something stupid, aren't you?
Angel: Done it. Came here.

Spike: Where you goin'?
Angel: To see my lawyer.

Gunn: [Hiding behind the couch from the little boy shooting at them] We have to find the Wrath! Where's the Wrath?
Spike: Where's not the wrath, the wrath is all over!

Spike: Welcome to the planet. We all paint on our happy faces every day, when all we really want is to pound the neighbor's missus, steal his Ben Franklins, and while we're at it *not* think about the third of the world that's starvin' to death.

Eve: What could you possibly do to me? I've been trapped in this house for weeks like a...
Spike: Rat? Snake? Beady little rat snake?

Spike: Why am I always reconnaissance? I should get a decently flashy job, like save the girl or steal the emerald. Or save the emerald with the girl.
Angel: Handsome man saved me from the monsters...
Spike: Or that... wait, what...
Angel: That's the first thing Fred said to me in Pylea. She was trapped hiding, afraid... nearly crazy - okay, she was crazy, but she was brave. I should have never let her come here. Bad things always happen here.

Spike: This isn't hell. This is the 'burbs. Close enough.

[Gunn opens the car door, letting sunlight in]
Spike, Angel: Ahhh!
Gunn: Alternate dimension, remember? Sun's the non-frying variety.
Spike: Figured that.
Angel: Oh, right.


"Angel: The Girl in Question (#5.20)" (2004)
Spike: How do you say "wank off" in Italian?

[Spike pulls up to Angel on a scooter]
Spike: Hop on, little mama.
Angel: I'm not riding on the back.

Angel: 'Course he is. He's screwin' us. He's screwed us before, and he's screwin' us now.
Spike: Yeah. Every time we hear his bleedin' name, we end up standin' in the strada holdin' the bag.

Angel: But she's not finished baking yet! I gotta wait 'til she's done baking. You know, 'til she finds herself. 'Cause that's the drill. Fine. I'm waitin' patiently, and meanwhile,
[shouting]
Angel: The Immortal's eatin' cookie dough!
Andrew: Uh, Spike, is Angel crying?
Spike: No.
[pause]
Spike: Not yet.

Spike: Bugger that. Do it yourself.

Spike: I just wanna see you happy. Well, not too happy, 'cause then I'd have to stake ya. Second thought, have at it.

Angel: Ours is a forever love.
Spike: I had a relationship with her, too.
Angel: Okay, sleeping together is not a relationship.
Spike: It is if you do it enough times.

Spike: The Immortal?
Angel: I mean, come on!
Spike: [about Buffy] She's smarter than that.
Angel: She'd never fall for a centuries-old guy with a dark past who may or may not be evil.

Spike: All right, what is it this time? Uber-vamps? Demon gods? Devil robots?
Angel: It's Buffy.

Spike: [referring to the Immortal] What, are you in love with him?
Demon Bouncer: No, no, no, no. Well, yeah, okay. Yes. But, uh, if anything, he's more of a, uh, inspiration.

[a scantily-clad Drusilla enters wearing a skimpy robe]
Drusilla: Time for another pony ride?
Spike: Son of a bitch!
Angel: The both of ya?
Darla: He's insatiable.
Spike: Drusilla, y-you let him touch you?
Drusilla: He felt like sunshine.
Spike: Uh, no. No.
Angel: That's why he had us tossed. So he could violate...
Darla: He didn't...
Angel: Violate our women!
Spike: Violate in succession!
Darla: Concurrently.
Angel: Concurrently? You never let us do that.
Darla: Come on, Dru. Let's have a bath so the boys can weep in private.
Drusilla: Will you hold me under the water?
Darla: If you wish.

Angelus: Go ahead, take your best shot. I'll snatch your little wee sticks outta the air and spend the next fortnight shovin' 'em slowly up your arse.
[they run away]
Spike: Can you really do that?
Angelus: The arrow thing? I don't know. Never tried.

Spike: You have no idea what I had to go through to get this jacket.
Angel: You stripped it off the body of a dead slayer.
Spike: Which gives it great sentimental value.

Spike: Every time he shows up, I either lose my girl, get beaten by an angry mob, or get thrown in prison for tax evasion.
[Angel stares at him incredulously]
Spike: Long story.

Angel: I helped save the world, you know.
Spike: Like I haven't.
Angel: Yeah, but I've done it a lot more.
Spike: Oh, please.
Angel: I closed the Hellmouth.
Spike: I've done that.
Angel: Yeah, you wore a necklace. You know, I helped kill the Mayor, and, uh, Jasmine...
Spike: Do those really count as saving the world?
Angel: I stopped Acathla. That saved the world.
Spike: Buffy ran you through with a sword.
Angel: Yeah, but I made her do it. I signaled her with my eyes.
Spike: She killed you. I helped her. That one counts as mine.

[last lines]
Spike: [about Buffy] Can't we just... lock her away in a box where no one can ever touch her? You know? Like we did with Pavayne?
Angel: I don't think she'd let us. She's pretty strong.
Spike: We could do a spell. Some sort of mind control.
Angel: Oh, she'd figure it out. You know, she's pretty smart.
Spike: So, what? We just have to live with it? Get on with our lives?
Angel: 'Fraid so.
Spike: Fine. No problem. I was planning on doing that anyway.
Angel: Yeah, me, too.
Spike: Actually, I'm doing it right now. As we speak, I'm movin' on.
Spike: Movin' on.
Spike: Oh, yeah.
Angel: Right now. Movin'.
Spike: Movin'.


"Angel: Just Rewards (#5.2)" (2003)
Spike: Think I'm hot, do you?
Fred: Hmm. Lukeworm. Just above room temperature.

[to Hainsley's butler]
Angel: We're - I'm from Wolfram and Hart.
Spike: I'm his date.

[after Angel kills Hainsley by throwing a silver dish plate at him, Spike's ghostly head sticks out]
Spike: Oh, bollocks.
[Hainsley's body falls to the floor]
Spike: I was just getting warmed up.
Angel: That was you hitting me?
Spike: The last bit, yeah. Hainsley's been dead since he hit the table. Oh, come on. Had to get a few licks in, didn't I?

Spike: And this, bloody hell, wasn't mine. I'm not you. I don't give a piss about atonement or destiny. Just because I've got me a soul doesn't mean I'm gonna let myself be lead around by...
Fred: Excuse me?
Wes: Did - Did you just say - Spike has a soul? You never said.
Angel: Didn't seem worth mentioning, you know.
Gunn: Seems to be a lot of that.
Spike: Or maybe Captain Forehead was feeling a little less special. Didn't like me crashing his exclusive club. Another vampire with a soul in the world.
Angel: You're not *in* the world, Casper.

[after seeing Harmony throw a tantrum and storm out]
Spike: I must be in hell.
Lorne the Host: Ah, no. L.A. But a lot of people make that mistake.

[Spike materializes in Angel's office at Wolfram & Hart, and bends over in pain, then realizes he's facing some familiar faces and some strangers]
Spike: What? What?
Harmony: What the hell are you doing here, Spike?
Wesley: Harmony, please.
Gunn: This is Spike? *The* Spike?
Fred: Wait a minute. Who's...
Lorne: [calmly, to Spike] Easy, slim. Easy. No one's gonna hurt you.
Gunn: Speak for yourself, Green Jeans.
Fred: OK, would somebody please tell me who...
Wesley: William the Bloody. He's a vampire. One of the worst recorded. Second only to...
Angel: Me. But you're dead.
Harmony: Well, yeah. Who here isn't?
[looks around]
Harmony: Besides him and him and her and...
[to Lorne]
Harmony: What are you, again?
Spike: [lunges at Angel in game-face, but goes right through him and winds up standing in Angel's desk] Bugger.

Angel: I'm in a meeting, Spike.
Spike: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't care.

[after finding a room full of human corpses]
Spike: Maybe the geezer's just lonely. Throws himself a surprise party every night. Picks out one of these painted pigeons and shows her a good time, if you know what I mean.
[Angel looks at him]
Spike: What? I'm sure they don't mind.

Harmony: Just since you're all soulful now, I thought maybe, just maybe, you might've learned to open up a little. You know, talk? But I guess a leopard can't change his stripes.
Spike: Spots, you dink. Leopards have spots.
Harmony: Oh! Excuse me, Mr. Brainy. Thank you so much for sharing. Wow. What a breakthrough.

Spike: What's happened to me?
Harmony: Well, I'm no doctor, but I think you're a ghost.
Spike: I'm no bloody ghost.
Harmony: Hey, you're the one sticking out of a desk, pal.

[about the amulet]
Wesley: Do you have any memory of a strange sensation when it released it's energy?
Spike: What, you mean my skin and muscle burning away from the bone? Organs exploding in my chest? Eyeballs melting in the sockets? No. No memory at all. Thanks for asking.

Spike: I bet you're loving this.
Angel: Knowing you'll be haunting me 'til the end of time? It's a dream come true.

Angel: Sure you wanna do this, Spike?
Spike: What, think I could really stand hanging out with you and your lot now and forever? Wisecracking ghost sidekick? No bloody thanks!

[last lines of the episode]
Spike: I'm slipping.
Fred: What?
Spike: I don't want to go. But it's like... it's like the ground underneath me is splitting open and my legs are straddling both sides of this bloody big chasm. It's getting wider. Pulling me in.
Fred: Is that... is that what's happening when you keep vanishing?
Spike: I know what's down there, where it's trying to take me. And it's not the place heroes go. Not by a bloody long shot. It's the other one. Full of fire and torment. And it's happening. And I'm terrified...
[pause]
Spike: Help me?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: School Hard (#2.3)" (1997)
Spike: A slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.

Spike: You think you can fool me? You were my sire, man. You were my... Yoda.
Angel: Things change.
Spike: Not us. Not demons. Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom.

Spike: Me and Dru, we're movin' in. Now, any of you wanna test who's got the biggest wrinklies 'round here, step on up.
[to The Anointed One]
Spike: I'll do your Slayer for you. But you keep your flunkies from tryin' anything behind my back. Deal?
[the Anointed One nods]
Drusilla: I can't see her. The Slayer. I can't see. It's dark where she is. Kill her. Kill her, Spike. Kill her for me?
Spike: It's done, baby.
Drusilla: Kill her for princess?
Spike: I'll chop her into messes.

Spike: So. How 'bout this Slayer? Is she tough?
[Cut to Buffy's room. She's standing at her mirror, trying to brush her hair]
Buffy Summers: Ow!
Joyce Summers: What's wrong?
Buffy Summers: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey.
Joyce Summers: Life is hard, dear.
Buffy Summers: Don't I know it. Is that a split end?
Joyce Summers: I got the mail.
Buffy Summers: Good.
Joyce Summers: Which included a reminder notice about Parent-Teacher night. Thursday.
Buffy Summers: [in trepidation] That's good.
Joyce Summers: Which you were planning on telling me about...?
Buffy Summers: Oh, for... the last two weeks.
Joyce Summers: Uh-huh. So, what do you think your teachers are gonna tell me about you?
Buffy Summers: Well, I think they'll all agree that I always bring a pen to class, ready to absorb the knowledge.
Joyce Summers: And, uh, this absorption rate? How is it reflected in your homework and test scores?
Buffy Summers: What can you really tell about a person from a test score?
Joyce Summers: Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again.

[after watching Buffy slay a vampire, Spike comes out of the shadows, slowly clapping his hands]
Spike: Nice work, love.
Buffy Summers: Who are you?
Spike: You'll find out on Saturday.
Buffy Summers: What happens on Saturday?
Spike: I kill you.

[last lines]
Spike: How's the Annoying One?
Drusilla: He doesn't wanna play.
Spike: Figures. Well, suppose I better go make nice.
[He walks over to the Anointed One and kneels before him]
The Anointed One: You failed.
Spike: I, um... I offer penance.
Vampire: Penance? You should lay down your life! Our numbers are depleted. The feast of St. Vigeous has been ruined by your impatience!
Spike: I was rash, and if I had to do it all over again...
[laughs evilly]
Spike: Who am I kidding? I would do it exactly the same, only I'd do this...
[grabs the Anointed One]
The Anointed One: No!
Spike: ...first!
[Spike sticks The Anointed One in the nearby cage and starts pulling a chain, lifting the cage up from the floor]
Spike: From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual... and a little more fun around here.
[the cage is lifted into the sunlight. The Anointed One screams as he dies]
Spike: Let's see what's on TV.

Big Ugly: When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know, I was there.
Spike: You were there? Oh, please. If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would've been like Woodstock.
Big Ugly: I oughta rip your throat out.
Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.

Buffy Summers: Do we really need weapons for this?
Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.

Buffy Summers: You shouldn't have come here.
Spike: No. I messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored.

Spike: So, who do you kill for fun around here?

Drusilla: Spike, I'm cold.
Spike: I got you.
Drusilla: I'm a princess.
Spike: That's what you are.

[to the remains of the Order of Aurelius]
Spike: Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.

Spike: Yeah, I did a couple o' Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag.
[laughs]
Spike: Who am I kidding? I love to brag!


"Angel: Destiny (#5.8)" (2003)
Angel: [on phone] You took my Viper.
Spike: My Viper now, mate. Possession's nine-tenths. Oughta know that, runnin' a law firm and such.

[Spike drinks from the Cup of Perpetual Torment, then drops it, astonished]
Angel: Spike?
Spike: It's... Mountain Dew!

Spike: [Harmony opens the package for Spike, and there is a bright flash] Well, that was a slap and a tickle.

Spike: Try staking your mother when she's coming on to you!
Harmony Kendall: Well, that explains a lot.

Spike: [about Drusilla] It's like she's still got a bit of a child in her.
Angelus: Perhaps two or three by now.

Spike: Drusilla sired me. But, you made me a monster.

Spike: You never knew the real me. Too busy tryin' to see your own reflection, praying there was someone as disgusting as you in the world, so you could stand to live with yourself. Take a long look, hero. I'm nothing like you.
Angel: No. You're less. That's why Buffy never really loved you. Because you weren't me.

[thinking he's still a ghost, Spike runs into a door]
Spike: Bugger, that hurt!

Drusilla: [to Angelus] Look what I made. It's called Willy.
Spike: William.

[Spike grabs Harmony and kisses her]
Harmony Kendall: Get off!
Spike: That's the idea.

Spike: Is that what you think you are, a hero?
Spike: Saved the world, didn't I?
Angel: Once. Talk to me after you've done it a couple more times.

Spike: Look at you, thinking you're the big savior fighting for truth, justice, and soccer moms. But you still can't lay flesh on a cross without smelling like bacon, can you?
Angel: Like you're any different.
Spike: Well, that's just it. I am, and you know it. You had a soul forced on you, as a curse, make you suffer for all the horrible things you'd done. But me, I fought for my soul. Went through the demon trials. Almost did me in a dozen times over, but I kept fighting 'cause I knew it was the right thing to do. It's my destiny.
Angel: Really? Heard it was just to get into a girl's pants.

Angel: [sarcastically, to Spike] You're a real hero.
Eve: And that's our problem in a nutshell.
Spike: Our problem?
Angel: Eve's got this theory.
Eve: Fact, Jack. There's only supposed to be one candidate for the vampire with the soul hero part in the big show. Two of you, and the wheel of destiny starts to spin off its axis. That's why everything and everyone is going mad.
Spike: Hold on a tick. You're blaming this on us?
Angel: No, she's blaming it on you.
Eve: This town might not be big enough for the both of you.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once More, with Feeling (#6.7)" (2001)
Spike: Strong. Someday he'll be a real boy.

[after Buffy is ordered by Giles to deal with a singing demon on her own]
Spike: Forget them slayer, I got your back.
Buffy: Thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Isn't that what you sang?
Xander: Spike sing a "widdle" song?
Anya: Would you say it was a breakaway pop hit, or more of a book number?
Xander: Let it go sweetie.

Spike: You should go back inside. Finish the big group sing. Get your kumbaya-yas out.
Buffy: I don't want to.
Spike: The day you suss out what you do want, there'll probably be a parade. Seventy-six bloody trombones.

Spike: The sun sets, and she appears.

Spike: Drink?
Buffy: A world of no. So any idea what's causing this?
Spike: Oh. So that's all. You just come to pump me for information?
Buffy: What else would I wanna pump you for? I really just said that, didn't I?

Spike: Don't be a stupid git. There is no...
Giles: If I want your opinion, Spike, I'll... I'll never want your opinion.

Spike: [sings] Let me rest in peace, let me get some sleep. Let me take my love and bury it in a hole six foot deep. I can lay my body down but I can't find my sweet release. Let me rest in peace.

Spike: [stops Buffy in mid-dance - sings] Life's not a song. Life isn't bliss, life is just this. It's living. You'll get along. The pain that you feel can only heal by living. You have to go on living. So one of us is living.

Spike: [sings] The torch I bear is scorching me. Buffy's laughing, I've no doubt. I hope she fries! I'm free if that bitch dies! I'd better help her out!

Xander, Spike, Buffy, Anya, Willow, Tara, Giles: [singing] And we are caught in the fire/The point of no return/So we will walk through the fire/And let it/Burn/Let it burn.

Dawn: [Signing] Where do we go... from here?
Buffy, Spike: [singing] Where do we go... from here?
Giles: [singing] The battle's done/And we kind of won
Tara, Giles: [singing] So we sound our victory cheer/Where do we go from here?
Xander, Anya: Why is the path unclear/When we know home is near?
Xander, Anya, Buffy, Spike, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles: [singing] Understand we'll go hand in hand
[all join hands]
Xander, Anya, Buffy, Spike, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles: But we'll walk alone in fear.
[all release hands and walk off in different directions]
Giles: [singing] Tell me!
Xander, Anya, Buffy, Spike, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles: Where do we go from here?/When does the end appear?
Spike: [In the middle of singing "appear" he suddenly stops and speaks] Bugger this.

Spike: Come to serenade me?
Buffy: So you know what's going on.
Spike: Well, I've seen some damn funny things in the last two days. A 600 pound Chirago demon making like Yma Sumac, that one will stay with you.


"Angel: In the Dark (#1.3)" (1999)
Spike: Do you two need to be alone or can we get on with the ouchy part?

Spike: [as Rachel] How can I thank you, you mysterious black-clad hunk of a night thing?
Spike: [as Angel] No need, little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. And now, I'm just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth.
[Rachel's about to touch Angel's hair]
Spike: No, not the hair. Never the hair.
Spike: [as Rachel] But there must be some way I can show my appreciation?
Spike: [as Angel] No, helping those in need's my job, and workin' up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough.
Spike: [as Rachel] I understand. I have a nephew who's gay, so...
[gasps]
Spike: [as Angel] Say no more. Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hair-gel I like so much. Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away.

Spike: Speakin' of little Buff, I ran into her recently. Your name didn't come up. Although, she has been awful busy jumpin' the bones of the very first lunkhead who came along. Good-lookin' fella. Used her shamelessly. She is cute when she's hurting.

[to Spike whilst fighting]
Angel: Is this your big strategy for gettin' the ring back?
Spike: I had a plan.
[Hurls Spike onto a car and pins him face first to the bonnet]
Angel: You, a plan?
Spike: A good plan, smart plan, carefully laid out. But, I got bored.
[Spike pushes Angel against a wall]
Spike: All that watching, waiting. My legs started to cramp.

Spike: Caught me fair and square, white hat. Guess there's nothin' to do now but go along quietly and pay my debt to society.

Spike: It's called addiction, Angel. We all have them. I believe yours is named Slutty the Vampire Slayer.

Spike: To coin a popular Sunnydale phrase, "Duh."

Spike: Enough with the hit-and-quip! Just tell me where the damned ring is.
Angel: It wouldn't go with your outfit.

Angel: Might as well go home, Spike. The gem of Amarra stays with me.
Spike: Why? Because you are vampire detective now? What's next? Vampire cowboy? Vampire fireman? Oh, vampire ballerina.
Angel: I do like to work with my legs
[Kicks Spike]

Spike: Cordelia. You look smashing. Did you lose weight?
Cordelia: Yes, there is this great gym at - hey!

Spike: [after being betrayed by Marcus] Son of a bitch! - I do the work, - I do the digging, - fight off a Slayer, - drive to LA, fire the help, - and what do I get? - ROYALLY SCREWWED, is what! - Well that cinches it. No more partners. From now on I'm my own man. A lone wolf. Sole survivor. Look out, here comes Spike! The baddest mother...
[a beam of sunlight from a hole in the ceiling hits the back of his head and his hair ignites]
Spike: Ahh!
[he ducks and puts his hair out with his hands]
Spike: I really hope they kill each other.

Spike: [after Marcus stabs Angel with a hot poker] Someone's having shish kabob.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Tabula Rasa (#6.8)" (2001)
Giles: We'll get our memory back, and it'll all be right as rain.
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... bloody hell.
Spike: [Counting on his fingers] Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks. Oh, God. I'm English.
Giles: Welcome to the nancy tribe.
Spike: You don't suppose you and I... we're not related, are we?
Anya: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
Giles: A-And you do inspire a, um, particular feeling of familiarity and... disappointment. Older brother?
Spike: [snorts; with certainty] Father. Oh, God, how I must hate you.
Giles: [Surprised] What did *I* do?

Spike: *Randy* Giles? Why not just call me Horny Giles or Desperate-For-A-Shag Giles? I knew there was a reason I hated you.

[Spike has amnesia, thinks Giles is his father]
Spike: Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic mid-life crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.

Buffy: Ready, Randy?
Spike: Ready, Joan.

Spike: [as "Randy"] I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the helpless. I'm a vampire with a soul.
Buffy: [as "Joan"] A vampire with a soul? Oh my god, how lame is that?

Spike: Can we talk?
Buffy: Vocal-cord-wise, yes. With each other? No.

Spike: Take it easy, you'll get your kittens.
Teeth: Oh, I trust you, Mister Spike.
Buffy: [Interrupting] Oh god, what is it with you guys? Why kittens? Why can't you just use money like everybody else?

Buffy: Did you guys see that?
Spike: Vampires!
Tara Maclay: [Hopefully] Maybe it's Halloween.
Dawn: It doesn't feel like Halloween.
Xander Harris: Even if it is, those guys are definitely not kids, and those are definitely not costumes. Randy's right. Looks like we have vampires.

Vamp #2: [Outside the Magic Box] Send out Spike!
Giles: They seem to want spikes.
Spike: Oh!
[Spike goes to the back of the store, comes back with a handful of stakes]
Spike: Let's give 'em these.
Giles: Well done!

Vamp #3: You owe us!
Spike: Fine! Take your damn spikes!
[Spike pulls the stakes from his jacket and tosses them at the vampire]

Spike: I'm a hero really. I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life and then to rise above it. To seek out better, nobler things. It's inspirational, isn't it? And the two of us...
[gestures from Buffy to himself]
Spike: natural enemies, thrown together to stand against the forces of darkness. Utter trust. No thought of me biting you, no thought of you staking me.
Buffy: Depends on how long you keep on yapping.

Spike: [after Buffy and Dawn hug] You never showed me affection like that!
Spike: [Giles looks at Spike, who he thinks is his son "Randy"] ... I'd wager.


"Angel: A Hole in the World (#5.15)" (2004)
Spike: [after Drogyn has given Spike a look because of his question asking] What's your favorite color? What's your favorite song? Who's the goalkeeper for Manchester United? And how many fingers am I holding up? You wanna kill me. Try. I don't have time for your quirks.

Spike: This goes all the way through... to the other side. So I figure, there's a bloke, somewhere around... New Zealand, standing on a bridge like this one, looking back down at us. All the way down. There's a hole in the world. Feels like we ought to have known.

Spike: It's bollocks, Angel! It's your brand of bollocks from first to last.
Angel: No, you can't ever see the big picture. You can't see any picture!
Spike: I am talking about something primal. Right? Savagery. Brutal animal instinct.
Angel: And that wins out every time with you. You know, the human race has evolved, Spike!
Spike: Oh, into a bunch of namby-pamby, self-analyzing wankers who could never hope to...
Angel: We're bigger. We're smarter. Plus, there's a thing called teamwork, not to mention the superstitious terror of your pure aggressors!
Spike: You just want it to be the way you want it to be.
Angel: It's not about what I want!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Sorry. Is this something we should all be discussing?
Angel: No.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It just sounds a little serious.
Angel: It was mostly... theoretical. We...
Spike: We were just working out a - Look, if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Ah. You've been yelling at each other for 40 minutes about this.
[pause]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Do the astronauts have weapons?
Spike, Angel: No.

Spike: Harmony just pulled me out of a very promising poker game down in Accounts Receivable, so this better be good. Oh, and, by the way, all the guys down there agree that astronauts don't stand a chance against cavemen, so don't even start.

Angel: Look, I can't do this anymore.
Spike: Admitting defeat, are you?
Angel: You and me. This isn't working out.
Spike: Are you saying we should start annoying other people?

Angel: Her organs are cooking. In a day's time, they'll liquefy.
Spike: No. Not this girl. Not this day.

[on a private jet to England in an attempt to save Fred]
Angel: Can't lose her, Spike.
Spike: You won't.
Angel: I lost Cordy.

Angel: You wanna bet that's the entrance to the Deeper Well?
Spike: Either that or Christmasland.
[Angel looks at him confused]
Spike: Do you ever have any fun?

Spike: Strategy?
Angel: Just hold my hand.
Spike: St. Petersburg.
Angel: Thought you'd forgotten.

Angel: You just like stabbing me.
Spike: I'm shocked, shocked that you'd say that! I much prefer hitting you with blunt instruments.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Time is not on our side.
Spike: Nobody is on our side.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Crush (#5.14)" (2001)
Spike: Could do without the laugh track, Dru.
Drusilla: But it's so funny. I knew before you did. I knew you loved the Slayer. The pixies in my head whispered it to me.

Spike: I love you.
Buffy: Oh, my god.
Spike: Hey, no, look at me. I... love you. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut... my throat... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you.

Dawn: I like how you talk to me like I can understand things. Everyone else is being all twitchy and secretive.
Spike: They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect.
Dawn: I feel safe with you.
Spike: [almost chokes] Take that back!

[Spike offers Buffy his flask]
Buffy: Eww.
Spike: It's not blood. It's bourbon.
Buffy: Ewww.

Buffy: These vamps have been here for awhile. They've nested.
Spike: So, you're saying they're a couple of poofters?

[Spike opens the door for Buffy]
Buffy: What are you doing?
Spike: I... Uh, it was... I wasn't thinking.
Buffy: What is this?
Spike: Oh, don't get your knickers twisted, I was...
Buffy: What is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask. Is this a date?
Spike: A d- please. A date. You are completely off your bird. I mean- Do you want it to be?
Buffy: Uhh. Oh, my God.

Spike: You can't deny it. There's something between us.
Buffy: Loathing. Disgust.

Spike: Something's happening to me. I can't stop thinking about you. And if that means turning my back on the whole evil thing...
Buffy: You don't know what you mean. You don't know what feelings are.
Spike: I damn well do. I lie awake every night.
Buffy: You sleep during the day.
Spike: Yeah, but- You are missin' the point. This is real here. I love...
Buffy: Don't! Don't say it. I'm going.

Spike: You can't tell me that there isn't anything there between you and me. I know you feel something.
Buffy: It's called revulsion. And whatever you think you're feeling it's not love. You can't love without a soul.
Drusilla: Oh, we can, you know. We can love quite well... if not wisely.

Spike: Just give me something, a crumb, the barest smidgen. Tell me maybe, someday, there's a chance.
Buffy: Spike... the only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.
Spike: [shouting] Aaaarrrggghh! Gaaagggghhhhhh! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me?
Buffy: Which question do you want me to answer first?

Spike: I've changed, Buffy.
Buffy: What? That chip in your head? That's not change. Th-That's just holding you back. You're like a serial killer in prison.
Spike: Women marry them all the time.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chosen (#7.22)" (2003)
Buffy: I love you.
Spike: No, you don't. But thanks for sayin' it.

[Spike's final lines]
Spike: Now, go!
[Buffy runs]
Spike: I wanna see how it ends.

Spike: [walks up to Buffy] Where's the trinket?
Buffy: The who-ket?

Spike: I can feel it, Buffy.
Buffy: What?
Spike: My soul. It's really there. Kind of stings.

Spike: [to Buffy] Gotta move, lamb. Think it's fair to say, school's out for bloody summer.

Spike: So, where's tall, dark and forehead?

Spike: Most people don't use their tongues to say hello. Or I guess they do, but...

Buffy: You know, one of these days, I'm just gonna put you two in a room and let you rassle it out.
Spike: [rifling through an empty cigarette pack] No problem at this end.
[throws away the pack]
Buffy: [her eyes widen with excitement] There could be oil of some kind involved.

Spike: I'm drownin' in footwear!
[wakes up]
Spike: Weird dream.

Buffy Summers: Good, good. I haven't had quite enough jealous vampire crap for one night.
Spike: [about Angel] He wears lifts, you know.
Buffy Summers: You know, one of these days I'm just going to put you two in a room and let you wrassle it out.
Spike: No problem on this end.
Buffy Summers: There could be oil of some kind involved.

Spike: So where's tall, dark, and forehead?
Buffy Summers: Let me guess... you can smell him?
Spike: No, i used my enhanced vampire eyeballs to watch you kissing him.
Buffy Summers: It was a... hello
Spike: Most people don't use their tongues to say hello... or I guess the but...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Fool for Love (#5.7)" (2000)
Spike: [Spike is a human] Oh, uh, quickly. I'm the very spirit of vexation. What's another word for "gleaming"? It's a perfectly perfect word as many words go but the bother is nothing rhymes, you see.

Spike: Lesson the second: Ask the right questions. You wanna know how I beat 'em? The question isn't how'd I win. The question is, why'd they lose?

[last lines]
Buffy: What do you want now?
Spike: What's wrong?
Buffy: I don't wanna talk about it.
Spike: Is there something I can do?

[human Spike has told Cecily he loves her]
Spike: I know I'm a bad poet, but I'm a good man. And all I ask is that - Is-is that you try to see me...
Cecily Addams: I do see you. That's the problem. You're nothing to me, William. You're beneath me.

Spike: The only thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Everyday you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you. Is today the day I die? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it... not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it. Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know, what's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. She merely wanted it. Every Slayer... has a death wish. Even you. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world. Your mum, brat kid sister, Scoobies. They all tie you here but you're just puttin' off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second - the second that happens, you know I'll be there. I'll slip in. Have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did.
Buffy: Get out of my sight, Spike, now.
Spike: Oh... did I scare ya? You're the Slayer. Do somethin' about it. Hit me. Come on. One good swing. You know you want to.
Buffy: I mean it.
Spike: So do I. Give it me good, Buffy. Do it.

Spike: Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you wanna dance.
Buffy: Say it's true. Say I do want to. It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. You're beneath me.

Spike: We just keep coming. But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand and the armies of Hell besides, and all we need... is for one of us, just one, sooner or later, to have the thing we're all hoping for.
Buffy: And that would be what?
Spike: One good day.

Spike: Right. You want to learn all about how I bested the Slayers and you want to learn fast. Right, then. We fought. I won. The end. Pay up.
Buffy: That's not what I...
Spike: What did you want, eh? A quick demo? A blow-for-blow description you can map out and memorize? It's not about the moves, love. And since I agreed to your little proposition, we can do this my way. Wings.
Buffy: What?
Spike: Spicy buffalo wings. Order me up a plate. I'm feelin' peckish.

Spike: [Talking about when he first learned about the Slayer] After that, I was obsessed. I mean, to most vampires, the Slayer was the subject of cold sweat and frightened whispers. But I never hid. Hell, I sought her out. I mean, if you're looking for fun, there's death, there's glory and sod all else, right?
[shrugs]
Spike: I was young.
Buffy: [Wanting to get to the point] So how'd you kill her?
Spike: [Spike moves behind Buffy] Funny you should ask.
[His hand whips out and takes her by the neck. She instinctually reacts, bringing the pool cue up as a weapon but Spike holds her at bay]
Spike: Lesson the first: a Slayer must always reach for her weapon.
[Shifts to his vamp face]
Spike: I've already got mine.
Spike: [He shakes his head and his face returns to normal. After a moment, he releases Buffy's neck and takes the pool cue from her. He walks over to the table and lines up a shot] A good thing, too. Become a vampire, you've got nothing to fear. Nothing but one girl. That's you, honey. Back then... it was her.

Drusilla: [Drusilla meets Spike for the first time] I wonder... what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears?
Spike: Nothing. I wish to be alone.
Drusilla: Oh, I see you. A man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his glory.
[beat]
Drusilla: That and burning baby fish swimming all around your head.
Spike: [Spike backs away from her, nervous] That's quite close enough. I've heard tales of London pickpockets. You'll not be getting my purse, I tell you.
Drusilla: [smiles] Don't need a purse.
[She points to his heart and head in succession]
Drusilla: Your wealth lies here... and here. In the spirit and... imagination. You walk in worlds the others can't begin to imagine.
Spike: [Spike is riveted by her insight into his character] Oh, yes! I mean, no. I mean... mother's expecting me.
Drusilla: [she opens the collar of his shirt] I see what you want. Something glowing and glistening. Something... effulgent.
Spike: [Spike is beside himself. Finally someone who understands him] Effulgent.


"Angel: Damage (#5.11)" (2004)
[Spike has explained that blood smells like pennies taste]
Spike: Blood. Smells different. Stronger.
Andrew: Like nickels?

Angel: What happened?
Spike: Oh, I just thought I'd see what it was like to bounce off the pavement. Pretty much what I expected.

Spike: Come to tap dance on the patient, have we, doc? I'd give you the finger, but apparently I won't have the motor skills until the drugs wear off.
Angel: A lot of pain?
Spike: More than I'd like. But not as much as you would. Just what I deserve.
Angel: I didn't say that.
Spike: No, I did. The lass thought I killed her family. And I'm supposed to, what, complain cuz her's wasn't one of the hundreds of families I did kill? I'm not sayin' you're right, cuz, uh, I'm physically incapable of saying that. But, uh, for a demon I never did think that much about the nature of evil. No. Just threw myself in. Thought it was a party. I liked the rush, I liked the crunch. Never did look back at the victims.
Angel: I couldn't take my eyes off them. I was only in it for the evil. That was everything to me. It was art... the destruction of a human being. Jeez, I would've considered Dana a masterpiece.

Spike: Andrew double crossed us? That's a good move.
[chuckles]
Spike: Hope for the little ponce yet.

[last lines]
Spike: The tingling in my forearms tells me she's too far gone to help. She's one of us now. She's a monster.
Angel: She's an innocent victim.
Spike: So were we, once upon a time.
Angel: Once upon a time.

Angel: Let's go over it again, just in case you left out any details.
Spike: What he said, but with a bit more of a threat at the end.

Andrew: What's it smell like? Blood, I mean.
Spike: Metallic sorta. You ever taste a penny?
Andrew: No. Wait. No.
Spike: Smells like that.

Angel: Do you think this is a joke?
Spike: Only if you are the punch line.

Angel: What are you doing here, Spike?
Spike: Didn't get the memo? Hero of the people now.
Angel: Oh. Then go and annoy them.

Spike: [to Andrew] We can play cat and mouse all night, or I can wedgie you unconscious and be done with it.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Something Blue (#4.9)" (1999)
Spike: I'm not the one who wanted "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance.
[everyone looks at her]
Buffy: That was the spell.

[after Willow's spell, Buffy thinks she and Spike are engaged]
Buffy: I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer. Some kind of natural immunity.
Xander: Yeah, right, you're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
Buffy: Xander!
Spike: That's it, you're off the usher list.

Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now do you wanna be William the Bloody or just Spike? Cuz either way it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Where as the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with Buffy?
Giles: Oh, such a good question.

Buffy: You know what? I don't think you want us to let you go. Maybe we made it a little too comfy in here for ya.
Spike: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinkin' pig's blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rate huge in the Zagat's guide.

Spike: [chained to Giles' bath] Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I'll...
Giles: You'll do what? Lick me to death?

Giles: We can't let you go until we're sure that you're-you're impotent or...
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we know that you're-you're...
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy.
Buffy: Giles, help. He's gonna scold me.

Buffy: Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away.
Giles: Oh, please.
Spike: Giles, make her stop.
Giles: If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.

Spike: I get this spell reversed, they'll be finding your body for weeks.
Buffy: Oh, make a move. Please. I'm dying for a good slay.

Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.

Buffy: There's so much to decide. Ceremony, guests, reception.
Spike: Well, first thing I'd say, we're not having a church wedding.
Buffy: How about a daytime ceremony in the park?
Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the Big Pile of Dust.
Buffy: Under the trees. Indirect sunlight only.
Spike: A spring breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again, you're registering as Mr and Mrs Big Pile of Dust.
Buffy: Stop it. This is our wedding and you're treating it like a big joke.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Intervention (#5.18)" (2001)
[Buffy is pretending to be the Buffybot]
Buffy: Why did you let that Glory hurt you?
Spike: She wanted to know who the key was.
Buffy: Oh, well, I can tell her, and then you won't...
Spike: No! You can't ever. Glory never finds out.
Buffy: Why?
Spike: 'Cause Buffy - the other, not so pleasant Buffy - anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.

Buffy Bot: Darn your sinister attraction.
Spike: Are you afraid of me?
Buffy Bot: Yes.

Buffy Bot: Oh, Spike, devour me.
Spike: All right.
Buffy Bot: Spike, I can't help myself. I love you.
Spike: You're mine, Buffy.
Buffy Bot: Should I start this program over?
Spike: Shh. No programs, don't use that word. Just be Buffy.

Buffy Bot: Time to slay.
Spike: [sleeping] Yeah. Yeah.
Buffy Bot: Vampires of the world beware.

Glory: The vampire is lying to me.
Spike: Yeah. But it was fun. And guess what, bitch? I'm not telling you jack. You're never gonna get your sodding key, 'cause you might be strong, but in our world, you're an idiot.
Glory: I am a god.
Spike: The god of what, bad home perms?
Glory: Shut up! I command you shut up!
Spike: Yeah, okay. Sorry, but I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words, the Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion victim, ex-god like you.

[last lines]
Spike: And my robot?
Buffy: The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene.
Spike: It wasn't supposed to...
Buffy: Don't. That... thing, it... it wasn't even real. What you did, for me and Dawn, that was real. I won't forget it.

Spike: Was that your best, Slayer?
Buffy Bot: No.
Spike: Why not?
Buffy Bot: I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.

Spike: [Glory is torturing Spike to find who the Key is] The key. Here's the thing. It's that guy, on TV. What's his name.
Glory: [confused] On the television?
Spike: On that show, the price show where they guess what stuff costs.
Murk: The Price is Right?
Jinx: Bob Barker!
Murk: [to Glory] We will bring you Bob Barker! We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker!
Glory: It is not Bob Barker you scabby morons! The key is new to this world and Bob Barker is as old as grit!

Spike: [about Buffy] She's upset about her mum. And if she turns to me for comfort, well, I'm not gonna deny it to her. I'm not a monster.
Xander: Yes! You are a monster. Vampires are monsters! They make monster movies about them!
Spike: Well, yeah. You got me there.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Pangs (#4.8)" (1999)
Buffy: Will, you know how bad I feel about this. Okay? It's eating me up-
[to Anya]
Buffy: A quarter cup of brandy and let it simmer.
[to Willow]
Buffy: But even though it's hard, we have to end this. Yes, he's been wronged, and I personally would be ready to apologize, but I...
Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me.
Xander: You got a lot of volunteers in here.
Spike: I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
Willow: Uh, the preferred term is...
Spike: You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not goin' around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
Buffy: Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of - Not that I don't like Spaniards.
Spike: Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?
Willow: We don't wanna fight anyone.
Buffy: I just wanna have Thanksgiving.
Spike: Heh heh. Yeah... Good luck.
Willow: Well, if we could talk to him...
Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.
Xander: Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but, some of that made sense.

[Ghost Indian transforms into a large bear while fighting Buffy]
Spike: A bear! You made a bear!
Buffy: I didn't mean to.
Spike: Undo it! Undo it!

[Spike asks Buffy to invite him into Giles house to get out of the sunlight]
Spike: Come on. I-I'm parboiling out here.
Buffy: [Giles hands Buffy a stake] Want me to make it quicker?
Spike: [pitifully] Invite me in!
Buffy: No.
Giles: Fairly unlikely.
Spike: [Spike tries running in and is knocked back] Oh, damn it! Look, I'm safe. I can't bite anyone. Willow, tell 'em what I did.
Willow: Y-You said you were gonna kill me, then Buffy.
Spike: Yes, bad, but let's skip that part and get to the part where I couldn't bite you.
Willow: It's true. He had trouble performing.

Spike: I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.

Willow: [Deciding who should warn the dean] I'll go. I need the air.
Buffy: Not alone.
Anya: I'll go.
Xander: Me, too.
Buffy: Sure you're up to it?
Spike: Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.
Xander: [Getting up] I'm up to it.

Spike: You know what happens to vampires who don't get to feed?
Buffy: I always wondered that. Giles, plates.
Spike: Living skeletons, mate. Like famine pictures from those dusty countries, only not half as funny.
Buffy: You can have gravy. That has blood in it, right?
Spike: Do you know what else has blood in it? Blood.
Buffy: Do I have to gag you?

Spike: [Riddled with arrows] Remember that conquering nation thing? Forget it. Apologize.
Buffy: Shut up, Spike.
Spike: Fine, I'll do it myself.
[Yelling]
Spike: Hey, sorry. Sorry about that, chief.

Spike: Oh, lay off. You all had a fine meal. But me... An entire siege. You'd think one of you would bleed a little.

Anya: [At the stove stirring a pot] Uh, how much butter goes in with these?
Buffy: About half a stick and a quarter cup of brandy.
[to Giles]
Buffy: You do have brandy, don't you?
Giles: [Distracted] What? Oh, yes. Um, on the bookcase
Spike: I wouldn't say no to a brandy.
Buffy: [Ignoring Spike, talking to Giles] What's wrong?
Giles: The victims. Apart from Xander, Hus has targeted authority figures. Father Gabriel, the curator of the cultural center. Who else fits this pattern?
Spike: Just a small brandy.


"Angel: Soul Purpose (#5.10)" (2004)
Woman: Thank you! Thank you! That thing was gonna kill me!
Spike: Well, what do you expect? Out alone in this neighborhood - I got half a mind to kill you myself, you half-wit.
Woman: What?
Spike: I mean, honestly, what kind of retard wears heels like that in a dark alley? Take two steps, break your bloody ankle.
Woman: I was just trying to get home!
Spike: Well, get a cab, you moron! And on the way, if a stranger offers you candy, don't get in the van!
[to himself]
Spike: Stupid cow.

Woman: I was just trying to get home!
Spike: Well, get a cab, you moron! And on the way, if a stranger offers you candy, don't get in the van!
[to himself]
Spike: Stupid cow.

Spike: Look... I told Angel, and I'll tell you. A place like that doesn't change... not from the inside. Not from the out. You sign on there, it changes you. Puts things in your head. Spins your compass needle around 'till you can't cross the street without tripping the proverbial old lady and stepping on her glasses. And it's not like I wasn't there, gents. Like I wasn't watching you. Had to haunt the damn place, remember?
Charles Gunn: Things aren't that cut-and-dried, Spike. We're making a difference. We're just... playing by a new set of rules.
Spike: So what? You want me to... put on a suit, come play with you?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Something like that.
Spike: I can't believe Angel would sign off on that. Unless... he doesn't know you're here, does he? Hedging our bets, are we, boys?
Charles Gunn: That's not how it is.
Spike: And the compass needle keeps spinning. And the world gets murkier and murkier.

Spike: I didn't do this for a reward.
Charles Gunn: That's why you're getting one!

Lindsey McDonald: We need a champion.
Spike: You are barking up the wrong vampire.

Spike: You can't throw a bloody stone in this town without hitting some bimbo in trouble.

Spike: What are you gawking at?
Lindsey McDonald: A guy like you, whiling away his time in some cheesy downtown strip dive. Look like somebody who's feeling kinda lost.
Spike: Is that right? Funny, thought I knew exactly where I was.
[Points at the sign over the stage]
Spike: Place called the Peppermint Stick.
[Points at the pole dancer]
Spike: Prima ballerina up there's Sunshine. Though I'm fairly certain that's not her real name.

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: [In Angel's dream] Spike, you single-handedly ended Armageddon and turned the world into a beautiful, happily-ever-after, candy mountain place where all our dreams come true!
[gestures toward the window - Outside, downtown Los Angeles is depicted as a fairytale castle with blue skies and green hills and bright sunshine]
Spike: Beautiful, isn't it?

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: If you want to save the world, we've got the resources to help you do it.
Spike: No offense, Mr. Vader, but I've got no itch to join the evil empire.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lovers Walk (#3.8)" (1998)
Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fightin' to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.
Angel: That's right.
Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight and you'll shag and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

[Spike tells Willow about his breakup with Drusilla]
Spike: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know, some little sign that she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn't mean anything I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care. So, we got to Brazil and she was... she was just different. I gave her everything. Beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would flirt. I caught her on a park bench making out with a Chaos Demon. Have you ever seen a Chaos Demon? They're all slime and antlers; they're disgusting. She only did it to hurt me. So I said, "I'm not putting up with this anymore." And she said, "Fine." And I said, "Yeah, I've got an unlife, you know." And then she said... she said we could still be friends. God, I'm so unhappy.
Willow: There, there.
Spike: I mean, "Friends." How could she be so cruel?

[Spike tells Joyce about his breakup with Drusilla]
Spike: So I'm strolling through the park looking for a meal, and I happen to walk by and she's making out with the Chaos Demon. And so I said, "You know, I don't have to put up with this." And she said, "Fine." So I said, "Fine! Do whatever you like." I mean, I thought we were gonna make up, you know.
Joyce: Well, she sounds very unreasonable.
Spike: She is, she's out of her mind. That's what I miss most about her.
Joyce: Well Spike, sometimes even when two people seem right for each other their lives just take different paths. Like when Buffy's father and I...
Spike: No, this is different. Our love was eternal, literally. You got any of those little marshmallows?

Spike: I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about this. Weeping, crawling, blamin' everybody else. I want Dru back, I just gotta be the man I was. The man she loved. I'm gonna do what I should have done in the first place. I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her till she likes me again. Love's a funny thing.

[Spike wants Willow to do a spell for him]
Spike: Well, if at first you don't succeed, I'll kill him...
[indicates Xander]
Spike: and you try again.

Spike: Ahhh, my head. I think I'm soberin' up. It's horrible. Ah, God, I wish I was dead.
Buffy: Well, if you close your eyes and wish realy hard...

Spike: This should be a kick.
Buffy: I violently dislike you.

[Dru has broken up with Spike]
Spike: We killed a homeless man on this bench. Me and Dru. Those were good times.
[chuckling]
Spike: You know, he begged for mercy, and, you know, that only made her bite harder.
Buffy: I guess you had to be there.

Angel: [to Spike about Joyce] You touch her, and I'll cut your head off!
Spike: Yeah? You and what army?
[Buffy comes up behind him]
Buffy: That would be me.
[She knocks Spike onto his back on the island and keeps him pinned there by the throat]
Buffy: Angel, why don't you come on in?


"Angel: Shells (#5.16)" (2004)
Knox: Showtime.
Spike: Any seats left?
Angel: If not, we can just stand in the back.
Knox: Guys, you should scan the headlines here. You-you can't win this.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Then we all die trying.
Illyria: Why?
Angel: You want the short version? Let's start with you walkin' around lookin' like the woman you murdered.
Illyria: You think your actions will restore her.
Angel: No.
Illyria: Yet you seek a confrontation you cannot win.
Angel: What you're tryin' to do - raise your army, reclaim your world - innocent people would die, like Fred. I can't let that happen.
Illyria: You are the protector of these creatures?
Angel: Yes.
Illyria: You'd fight for their lives?
Angel: Yes.
Illyria: Even this one?
Knox: Is that an issue? Is-is my life in peril, boss? King?
Angel: You're about as low as it gets, Knox. But you're a part of humanity. That isn't always pretty, but it's a hell of a lot better than what came before. And if it comes down to a choice between you and him... then, yes. I would fight for his life just like any other human's, because that's what people do. That's what makes us...
[Wesley shoots Knox]
Angel: [to Wesley] Were you even listening?
Illyria: You've destroyed my Qwa'ha Xahn.
Spike: Yeah, okay. But you've gotta admit, he had it coming.

[Spike is drinking the tiny bottles of Jack Daniels stocked on the plane to England]
Spike: Can't even get drunk. Why would anyone ever make a bottle this small? It's inhuman.

Charles Gunn: What about her - If her organs have been liquefied?
Spike: [raises hand] Flash fried in a pillar of fire, savin' the world. I got better.

Angel: [on phone] Himalayas? I thought she was in South America.
Spike: We got a branch in Tibet? How 'bout a couple of Sherpas?
Angel: Alright, look - What do you mean she's not on this plane? You just said - Astral projection? Well, is there any way to get her astral to L.A.? Giles, this is an emergency.

Spike: Back in the lab, she was standin' right there in front of me, but there was no scent, nothin'. It's like she wasn't even there.
Angel: I know.
Spike: Look, I want Fred back as much as any of us, but seeing her there, like that, maybe she really is...
Angel: No. I lost Cordelia because some thing violated her. It crawled inside, used her up. No way in hell am I lettin' that happen again.

Angel: Gone. What does it mean that she's gone?
Spike: Well, in the world of men, a person dies, they stay that way.
Angel: Unless you're a vampire.
Spike: Or the ghost of one that saved the world.
Angel: Or Buffy.

Harmony Kendall: Come on, I got a degree in tearing things up.
Spike: Never a truer word.

Angel: What'd you get out of the doctor?
Spike: Screams. Various fluids. And a name.

Spike: This is what she would have wanted. It's what I want. I don't really like you. Suppose I never will. But this is important, what's happening here. Fred gave her life for it. The least I can do is give what's left of mine. The fight's comin', Angel. We both feel it... and it's gonna be a hell of a lot bigger than Illyria. Things are gonna get ugly. That's where I live.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Beneath You (#7.2)" (2002)
Anya: Hands off the merchandise, Spike. You don't get to go there again.
Spike: Please, I've already forgotten about our little time together.
Nancy: I thought you were Xander's ex-girlfriend.
Anya: I am.
Nancy: But you and Spike...
Anya: Had a thing.
Spike: Didn't last.
Nancy: But weren't you Buffy...
Spike: Briefly.
Buffy: Never serious.
Nancy: Is there anyone here that hasn't slept together?
[Spike and Xander look at each other]

[last lines]
Buffy: You got your soul back. How?
Spike: It's what you wanted, right? It's - It's what *you* wanted, right? And - and now everybody's in here, talking. Everything I did, everyone I - and him. And it. The other... the thing... beneath... beneath you. It's here, too. Everybody... they all just tell me go. Go... to hell.
Buffy: Why? Why would you do that?
Spike: Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev- To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness... and everybody will forgive and love. And he will be loved. So everything's okay, right? C-can we rest now? Buffy? Can we rest?

Buffy: This is all you get. I'm listening. Tell me what happened.
Spike: I tried to find it, of course.
Buffy: Find what?
Spike: The spark. The missing - the piece, that fit. That made me fit because you didn't want - I can't. Not with you looking. I dreamed of killing you. I think they were dreams. So weak. Did you make me weak? Thinking of you? Hauling myself, and spilling useless buckets of salt over your- ending. Angel, he should've warned me. Makes a good show of forgetting, but it's here. In me. All the time. The spark. I wanted to give you what you deserve. And I got it. They put the spark in me, and now all it does is burn.
Buffy: Your soul.
Spike: [smiling weakly] Bit worse for lack of use.

Dawn: Spike. You sleep, right? You. Vampires. You sleep.
Spike: Yeah. What's your point?
Dawn: Well, I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all... touch her... you're gonna wake up on fire.

Spike: I get it. The joke's on me. Lots of laughs. Yeah. Hey, bring the wife and kiddies. Come see the show. 'Cause it's gonna be a circus. This... just the beginning, love. A warm-up act. The real headliner's coming, and when that band hits the stage, all of this... All this... will come tumbling in death and screaming, horror and bloodshed. From beneath you, it devours.

Buffy: I don't know what your game is, Spike, but I know there's something you're not telling me.
Spike: You're right, there is. But, we're not best friends anymore. So, too bad for me. I'm not sharin'. We've been through things, the end of the world and back. I can be useful, 'cause, honestly, I've got nothing better to do. You can make use of me if you want.

Spike: That's right. Big Bad's back and lookin' for a little death.

Buffy: Spike, have you completely lost your mind?
Spike: Well, yes. Where have you been all night?

Spike: [to Buffy] And when exactly did your sister get unbelievably scary?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Out of My Mind (#5.4)" (2000)
Spike: Okay. Is it bigger than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Four left.
Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox.
Harmony: Heh heh. No, only three.
Spike: Harmony, is it a sodding breadbox?
Harmony: Yes! Oh, my God! Someone's blondy bear is a 20-Question genius.

Harmony: Pretty please? I'll do anything.
Spike: Anything, will you?
Harmony: Yeah, I said I'll do anything. Oh. You mean, will I have sex with you? Well, yeah.

Spike: Taking up smoking, are you?
Harmony: I am a villain, Spike. Hello.

Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn she's there! That nasty little face! That fancy shampoo commercial hair! That whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude!
Harmony: Well, aren't we kinda unholy by def...?
Spike: She follows me, you know. Tracks me down. I'm her pet project. Drive Spike round the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout of torture.
[picks up a headstone and throws it]
Harmony: Spike!
Spike: You don't understand. I can't get rid of her. She's everywhere. She's haunting me, Harmony. This has got to end.

Buffy Summers: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home.
Spike: It's blood. That's what I do.

Spike: I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice and drink deep.

[watching TV]
Spike: Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?

Harmony: Is it safe? Has Buffy gotten to you yet? I saw her patrolling just now... with a stake. She won't give up until she's killed me to death.
Spike: Buffy's looking for you?
Harmony: Of course. That's why I'm on the lam. Didn't you hear? I'm totally her arch-nemesis.
Spike: Is that right? I must've missed the memo.
Harmony: There was a mem- Spike, oh my God, this is like a real emergency.

[in a dream]
Buffy Summers: Spike, you're a killer. And I should've done this years ago.
Spike: You know what? Do it. Bloody just do it.
Buffy Summers: What?
Spike: End my torment. Seeing you, every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn around. Take me out of a world that has you in it.
[takes off shirt]
Spike: Just kill me.
[Buffy hesitates and Spike grabs and kisses her; she pulls back, horrified, and he just stares at her in shock]
Buffy Summers: [grabs him and kisses him] Spike. I want you.
Spike: Buffy, I love you. God, I love you so much.
[he wakes up, looking stunned and distressed]
Spike: Oh, God no... please no.


"Angel: Not Fade Away (#5.22)" (2004)
[last lines; the gang faces an endless onslaught of demons]
Spike: And in terms of a plan?
Angel: We fight.
Spike: Bit more specific?
Angel: Well, personally, I kinda wanna slay the dragon. Let's go to work.

Angel: Then we're all agreed.
Spike: Yeah. We're all one big happy Manson family.

Charles Gunn: Any word on Wes?
Illyria: Wesley's dead. I'm feeling grief for him. I can't seem to control it. I wish to do more violence.
Spike: Well, wishes just happen to be horses today.
Angel: [Looking at the approaching mob of demons] Among other things.

Angel: This may come out a little pretentious, but... one of you will betray me.
[Spike raises his hand]
Angel: Wes.
Spike: [disappointed] Oh. Can I deny you three times?

[Spike is getting drunk in a bar populated by rough bikers]
Spike: Nice crowd.
Bartender: It can get pretty ugly in here, I gotta warn you.
Spike: What I'm after.
[drinks another shot of liquor]
Spike: A couple more shots of courage, and I may make my presence felt.
Bartender: Your funeral.
Spike: Well, I never had a proper one.

Spike: [performing in a pub at a poetry slam] My soul is wrapped in harsh repose / Midnight descends in raven-colored clothes / But soft. Behold! A sunlight beam / Cutting a swath of glimmering gleam / My heart expands, 'tis grown a bulge in it / Inspired by your beauty... effulgent.
Audience: [standing ovation] Yeah! That was great, man!
Spike: Thank you. That was for Cecily. All right. This next one's called "The Wanton Folly of Me Mum".

Spike: Right. First off, I'm not wearing any amulets. No bracelets, brooches, beads, pendants, pins or rings.

Spike: So... if any of us makes it through this alive, does one of us get to be a real boy?
Angel: Who are you kidding, Spike? You know that none of us are gonna make it through this night alive.
Spike: Good. As long as it's not you.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Smashed (#6.9)" (2001)
Spike: In my head. The chip in my head.
Warren Meers: We're kind of in the middle of somethin'.
Spike: Well, you can play holodeck another time. Right now, I'm in charge.
Warren Meers: Yeah, what are you gonna do if we don't especially feel like maybe playing your- What are - wait, what are you doing?
[Spike rips Boba Fett action figure off its base]
Spike: Examine my chip or else Mr. Fett here is the first to die.
Jonathan: Hey! All - All right. Let's not - Let's not not do anything crazy here.
Andrew Wells: That's a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.
Warren Meers: All right, dude, chill. You can still make it right. You know you don't wanna do this.
Spike: What I want is answers, nimrod!
Warren Meers: Right. But you don't want to hurt the Fett... because, man, you're not comin' back from that! You know, you don't just do that and walk away.
Spike: That right? Let's find out.
[about to rip head off of action figure]
Warren Meers: One sec - One second.

Spike: So you wanna jump right to the kissing, then, eh?
Buffy: I am not kissing you, Spike. Once was...
Spike: Twice.

[Jonathan and Andrew sit with Spike while Warren is working]
Andrew Wells: You're English, right?
Spike: Yeah...
Andrew Wells: I've seen every episode of Doctor Who. Not Red Dwarf, though, cause, um...
Jonathan: Cause it's not out yet on DVD.
Andrew Wells: Right, it's not out yet on DVD.
Spike: [shouts] Warren!

[Spike is handed a technical document]
Spike: Help me out here Spock, I don't speak loser.

Spike: You'd think if the government was gonna put a chip in my head, they'd at least make it so that I could attack criminals and that sort.
Buffy: Yes, because muggers deserve to be eaten. You'll just have to get your rocks off fightin' demons.
Spike: [looking at her suggestively] There are other ways.
Buffy: And to that, an extreme "See you later."

Spike: You're a tease, you know that slayer? Get a fella's motor revin', let the tension marinate a couple of days, then bam- Crown yourself the ice queen.
Buffy: Need a few more metaphors for that little mix?

Spike: Oh, poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love.
Buffy: Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot. Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes.
Spike: I'm in love with you.
Buffy: You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?
Spike: Hello. Vampire. I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side. What's your excuse?

Buffy: [answers phone] Hello, Magic Box.
Spike: [deep voice] Slayer.
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: [deep voice] Meet me at the cemetery. Twenty minutes. Come alone.
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: [mutters under breath] Bloody hell.
[normal voice]
Spike: Yes, it's me.
Buffy: You're calling me on the phone?
Spike: Just be there.
Buffy: Why? Are you helping again?
[loud enough for Xander and Anya to hear]
Buffy: You have a lead on this frost monster thingy?
Spike: Something like that, yeah. Thought you might be up for a little grunt work.
Buffy: What?
[whispering]
Buffy: No, no grunting.
Spike: [pause] I was talking shop, love, but if you've got other ideas. You. Me. Cozy little tomb with a view.
[Buffy hangs up quickly]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Blood Ties (#5.13)" (2001)
Spike: [reading from Giles' notes] "They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it with her life. So they sent the key to her... in human form. In the form of a sister." Huh. I guess that's you, nibblet.

Spike: [about Dawn] She's not just a blob of energy, she's also a 14-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's screwing her up more right now, spin the bloody wheel.

Spike: Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye all warm and safe where nothing can eat you?
Dawn: Is that supposed to scare me?
Spike: Little tremble wouldn't hurt.
Dawn: Sorry, it's just - Come on, I'm badder than you.
Spike: Are not.
Dawn: Am too. You're standing in the bushes hugging a bent box of chocolates, and I'm...
Spike: What? sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with your mates?

Spike: Magic shop, eh? All number of beasties between here and there. Bet they'd really go for a Little Red Riding Hood like you. That wouldn't set too well with big sister.
Dawn: I can take care of myself.
[pause]
Dawn: You wanna come steal some stuff?
Spike: Yeah, all right.

Spike: [about Giles' handwriting] Where did he learn to write so bloody small, from a fruit fly?

Spike: Oh, yeah. Here it comes. Something goes wrong in your life, blame Spike. Newsflash, Blondie. If kid sis wants to grab a midnight stroll, she'll find a way sooner or later. I just thought she'd be safer with Big Bad lookin' over her shoulder.
Buffy: She shouldn't have found out like that.
Spike: You didn't think you could keep the truth from her forever, did you? Maybe if *you* had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of 'Kick The Spike'.

Dawn: Lurk much?
Spike: I wasn't lurkin'. I was standin' about. It's a whole different vibe.


"Angel: Lineage (#5.7)" (2003)
Fred: [about the cyborg] This thing really blurs the line between human and robot.
Spike: Aha. So you're not ruling out that a human being could have boffed a robot.
[everyone stares at him]
Spike: Sex with robots is more common than most people think.

Wesley: Everyone, I'd like you to meet my father Roger Wyndam-Price.
Roger Wyndam-Pryce: Hello.
Spike: Daddy, eh? I always thought Wesley was grown in some sort of greenhouse for dandies.
Roger Wyndam-Pryce: Spike.
Spike: You've heard of me?
Roger Wyndam-Pryce: No. We've met. 1963, my colleagues and I fell upon you slaughtering an orphanage in Vienna. Killed two of my men before you escaped.
Spike: [awkward silence] Oh. How've you been?

Angel: [to Wesley] What happened?
Spike: [stepping in front of Wesley] I can explain. Apparently when Percy here was younger he used to be known as Head Boy.
Angel: Yeah, I already knew that.
Spike: Right. I have nothing else to report.

Angel: [trying to comfort Wes after he had to shoot a robot he though was his father] You know... I killed my actual dad. It was one of the first things I did when I became a vampire.
Wesley: I hardly see how that's the same situation.
Angel: Yeah. I didn't really think that one through.
[moments later; Spike appears]
Spike: Don't know if you know this, but, uh, I killed my mum. Actually, I'd already killed her, and then she tried to shag me, so I had to, uh...
Wesley: [looks freaked out] Thank you. I'm... very comforted. Right.

Spike: Oh, Eve's stuck in the elevator.
Charles Gunn: So tell maintenance.
Spike: Well, where the bloody hell is maint - Oh, to be honest, I don't really care.

[power goes out in elevator]
Eve: That's odd.
Spike: I know what this is. You'll never take me to hell, Pavayne!
[emergency power comes on]
Spike: Oh. Well, that's just something I say... when, uh... it gets dark.

[everyone's running for their lives when the cyborg's bomb is about to go off. Spike also starts running, then suddenly stops]
Spike: Wait... what am I worried about?
[starts walking in the other direction]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Get It Done (#7.15)" (2003)
Spike: And just what brings our good principal to this neck of the gloom?
Buffy Summers: I'm showing him our operation. Us.
Spike: Fine by me. Big fight against evil comin' up. The more good guys we've got, the longer we'll all live.
Principal Robin Wood: Is that what you are? A good guy?
Spike: I haven't heard any complaints. Well, I have heard a few complaints over the years, but then I just killed whoever spoke up, and that was pretty much that.
Buffy Summers: He's joking.
Principal Robin Wood: No, he's not.
Spike: No, I'm not.

Spike: I've changed.
Principal Robin Wood: Oh, now that you have a soul.
Spike: Yeah. That was a big deal. Very... private.
[in hurt tones, to Buffy]
Spike: What, are you just telling everyone now?

Spike: Get out of here, all of you. Unless you want to end up all dead and useless.
Kennedy: What are you gonna do?
Spike: What I do best.

Anya: It's like we live in Slayer Central. I swear, i-if Buffy rooms or boards one more of the potential girls, I'm gonna call a - I'm gonna call a health inspector.
Spike: I like my plan better. Get up, get out, get drunk, repeat as needed. It's just more elegant.

Spike: I don't know your feelings, bug guy. But to me, a tussle like that is good for the soul.

Spike: Anya, think. I fight, demon boy gets lucky, I get knocked out, you get killed. True? We both know the safest and sanest way of saving your life was to keep you with me, away from danger. No need to thank me. I'm just the one who beat him off.
[beat]
Spike: Repelled him would perhaps be the better phrase.

Buffy Summers: We're just a bunch of girls waiting to be picked off and buried.
[Spike goes to leave]
Buffy Summers: Where are you going?
Spike: Out. Since I'm neither a girl nor waiting, all this speechifying doesn't really apply to me, does it?
Buffy Summers: Fine. Take a cell phone. That way, if I need someone to get weepy or wailed on, I can give you a call.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dirty Girls (#7.18)" (2003)
Buffy: Looks like an old vineyard.
Kennedy: An evil vineyard, huh.
Spike: Like Falcon Crest.

[after Faith compares him to Angel]
Spike: Angel's dull as a table lamp, and we have very different coloring.

Faith: He's like Angel?
Spike: No.
Buffy: Sort of.
Spike: I'm nothing like Angel
Buffy: He fights on my side. Which is more than I can say for some of us.

Faith: Three squares, nice weight room, movie every third Sunday, could've been worse.
Spike: What movie?
Faith: Last one was Glitter. I guess it couldn't have been worse.

Faith: I've met you before, you know.
Spike: Yeah, you made a great impression on my chin.

Faith: Whatcha wanna do to her, vamp? Huh? Somethin' like this?
[punches Spike]
Spike: Nice punch you got there. Lemme guess. Leather pants, nice right cross, doe eyes, holier-than-thou glower. You must be Faith.
Faith: Oh, goodie. I'm famous.
Spike: Told you were coming. Bit of a misunderstanding here. I'm...
Faith: Spike. Yeah, we've met before.
Spike: We have? I don't think we-
[Faith kicks him]
Spike: Bloody hell! What're you doing? I'm on your side.
Faith: Yeah? Maybe you haven't heard. I've reformed.
[punches Spike]
Spike: So have I.
[punches Faith]
Spike: I reformed way before you did.
[Faith punches him]
Spike: Stop...
[Faith punches him again]
Spike: hitting...
[punches Faith]
Spike: me! We're on the same side.
Faith: Please. You think I'm stupid?
Spike: Well, yeah.
Faith: You were attacking that girl.
[punches Spike]
Faith: [Buffy punches Faith]
Buffy: Sorry, Faith. I didn't realize that was you.
Faith: It's alright, B. Luckily you still punch like you used to.

Faith: We've met before, you know.
Spike: Yeah, you made a great impression on my chin.
Faith: Not in the graveyard. Before that. I was kinda wearing a different body. You seemed okay with it.
Spike: The body swap.
Faith: Buffy fill you in on that whole deal?
Spike: She told me what went down.
Faith: Look, I may have said a few things that...
Spike: - you could ride me until my knees buckled. Squeeze me 'til I pop like warm champagne. That's not the kind of thing a man forgets.
Faith: You should have known it wasn't blondie behind the wheel. She'd never throw down like that.
Spike: Oh, you have been away.
Faith: What? Don't tell me little Miss Tightly Wound's been getting her naughty on?
Spike: Not of late.
Faith: Wow, everyone's just full of surprises.
[Buffy enters, crossing her arms defensively]
Buffy: Well, it's nice to see you two getting along so well.
Faith: Yeah, uh, you just know all the cool vampires.


"Angel: The Cautionary Tale of Numero Cinco (#5.6)" (2003)
Spike: Hey Fred, did ya hear? Angel attacked the old mail guy!
Angel: What?
Winifred "Fred" Burkle: Not number five! You didn't hurt him?
Angel: No! I - He attacked me!

Lorne: Holy tornado, it's true!
Spike: Yeah, it was amazing! Angel went right off on the mail guy.
Lorne: Oh this must've been one major smackdown!
Angel: There was no smacking!
Lorne: That's not the hubbub I'm hearing, honey buns. Word on the web has you sucker punching Grandpa Moses.
Angel: The web?
Lorne: Don't sweat it, sweetie pie. I've got my flack-catcher spinnin' this into PR gold. And once the word spreads that you beat up an innocent old man, well the truly terrible will think twice before goin' toe to toe with our Avenging Angel.
Spike: Yes. The geriatric community will be soilin' their nappies when they hear you're on the case. Bravo!

Charles Gunn: Still not sure why Blondie Ghost tagged along.
Spike: Not much choice really, is there? Can't drink, smoke, diddle my willy. Doesn't leave much to do other than watch you blokes stumble around playin' Agatha Christie.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Yeah, remind me again how you ended up in the front seat.
Spike: Called shotgun, mate.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Oh. I thought we were doing a weapons check.
Charles Gunn: Nothin' wrong with that. We may need these bad boys if we're goin' up against some Mexican Day of the Dead heart-suckin' monster.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Angel, the church we're looking for is about half a mile...
[Angel interrupts by pulling a screeching U-Turn]
Spike: Always was a bit of a drama queen.

Angel: I'm just... I don't know, just feeling a bit...
Spike: Squishy?
Angel: Disconnected.
Angel, Spike: Are you serious? Here you are, finally living a piece of the high life - new clothes, new cars, my old tumble fetching you tasty snacks - and what's your gripe? "I feel disconnected." You want to feel disconnected, try being a bloody ghost for a bit. Try bobbin' around with no touch or taste or smell. Not many fates worse than that, I'd wager.
[Number 5 walks past with mail cart]
Angel, Spike: OK, maybe that.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Remind me again how you ended up in the front seat?
Spike: I called shotgun.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Oh. I thought we were doing a weapons check.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Three people found with their hearts cut out in East Los Angeles, all within the last couple of hours. The police are on it, but my sense is it's more demonic than some murderous nut job.
Spike: So we're ruling out demonic nut jobs, then, are we?

Angel: So it's eating the hearts of heroes, and their blood is what keeps it alive.
Winifred "Fred" Burkle: Yeah, but it does more than that. It acts like a kind of supercharged rocket fuel. Makes it, you know...
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Nigh invulnerable.
Spike: Oh, I could kill it. I mean, ghostiness to the contrary. Well, come on, lads. Everything has an Achilles heel.
Angel: And you just so happen to know this creature's Achilles heel?
Spike: Well, I wager it's the heart.
Winifred "Fred" Burkle: [She looks at her computer screen] You see that in the science?
Spike: No, luv, in the poetry. We're dealing with a mythic creature here, a kill-or-be-killed kind of creature. If I was gonna kill something that was trying to take my heart, I'd try to bloody well take its heart first.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Gift (#5.22)" (2001)
Spike: Blood is life, lack-brain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead.

[Standing before the gang as they prepare to leave to fight evil hell-goddess Glory]
Buffy: Remember: The ritual starts, we all die; and I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn.
[turns and leaves the room]
Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?
Giles: [picking up remaining weapons] We few, we happy few...
Spike: ...we band of buggered.

Spike: You don't come near the girl, Doc.
Doc: I don't smell a soul anywhere on you. Why do you even care?
Spike: I made a promise to a lady.

[as the group ponders how to stop Glory]
Anya: Okay, but I'm still not hearing enough ideas. She's a God, let's think outside the box.
Spike: Why don't you go think outside the bleeding box.
Giles: Yes, Anya. Apart from your incredibly uninfectious enthusiasm have you anything else to contribute?
Anya: The Dagon Sphere.
Giles: Sorry?
Anya: When Buffy first met Glory she found that magical, glowy sphere that was meant to repel Glory. We've got it in the basement. It might drive her away or hurt her. Oh. And Olaf the troll god's enchanted hammer. You wanna fight a god, use the weapon of a god.
Spike: Nah, that thing's too heavy to...
[Buffy easily picks up the hammer]
Spike: Yeah, good.
Buffy: I like this. Thanks.
Anya: Here to help. Wanna live.

Buffy: We're not all gonna make it. You know that.
Spike: Yeah. Hey, always knew I'd go down fightin'.
Buffy: I'm counting on you... to protect her.
Spike: Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight.

Xander: Hey, I happen to be...
Spike: A glorified bricklayer?
Xander: I'm also a swell bowler.
Anya: Has his own shoes.
Spike: The gods themselves do tremble.

Spike: I know you'll never love me.
[Buffy turns to look at him]
Spike: I know that I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man, and that's...
[she gazes at him without speaking]
Spike: Get your stuff, I'll be here.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Innocence (#2.14)" (1998)
Spike: Are we feeling better, then?
Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day.
Drusilla: I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion.

[the Judge demon is urged by Spike to burn all the goodness out of Angel who's turned into Angelus]
Spike: Hurts, doesn't it?
Angelus: Well, you know, it kinda itches a little.
Spike: Don't just stand there, burn him!
[nothing happens]
Angelus: Gee, maybe he's broken.
Spike: What the hell is going on?
The Judge: [letting Angelus go] This one cannot be burned. He's clean.
Spike: Clean? You mean he's...
The Judge: There's no humanity in him.
Angelus: Couldn't have said it better myself.
Drusilla: Angel?
Angelus: Yeah, baby, I'm back.

[Spike and Drusilla do not know Angel has lost his soul]
Spike: Did you see any further? Do you know what happens to Angel?
Angelus: Well, he moves to New York and tries to fulfill that Broadway dream. It's tough sledding, but one day he's working in the chorus when the big star twists her ankle.
Spike: You don't give up, do you?
Angelus: As long as there's injustice in the world, as long as scum like you is walking... well, rolling the streets... I'll be around. Look over your shoulder. I'll be there.

Spike: You've really got a yen to hurt this girl, haven't you?
Angelus: She made me feel like a human being. That's not the kinda thing you just forgive.

Drusilla: You don't want to kill her, do you? You want to hurt her. Just like you hurt me.
Angelus: Nobody knows me like you do, Dru.
Spike: She'd better not get in our way.
Angelus: Don't worry about it.
Spike: I do.
Angelus: Spike, my boy, you really don't get it. Do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck. She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl... you have to love her.

Drusilla: We're going to destroy the world. Want to come?
Angelus: Yeah, destroying the world. Great. I'm really more interested in the slayer.
Spike: Well, she's in the world, so that should work out.

Spike: When do we destroy the world, already?


Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds (2003) (VG)
Spike: Bloody hell.

Spike: Night all. Next time you're having a party like this one, leave me off the invite list, yeah.

Spike: [after "tripping an alarm"] Damn! Bloody cyborgs. Must've tripped some invisible alarm.

Spike: [to Anya and Tara] I'm a knight in bloody armor.

[everybody arrives in front of a fortress]
Ethan Rayne: It's here. The First. I can taste its power in the air.
Cassandra Rayne: You... I sense something about you, some kinship. Who are you?
Ethan Rayne: Ethan Rayne, madam. Decidedly *not* at your services.
Willow Rosenberg: He's your great, great... something. A descendant.
Cassandra Rayne: I can sense the dark magic in you, the chaos in your soul. I was a soldier of light, and this is what my bloodline has come to? You repulse me.
Ethan Rayne: The feeling is entirely mutual. This isn't fair, you know. Technically I've won. The power I bargained for should be mine. But if you destroy the First...
Cassandra Rayne: Silence dog. I would silence you myself if I were able.
Spike: Here, let me get that for you.
[Spike punches out Ethan]
Cassandra Rayne: My thanks, kind sir.
[Cassandra then glares at the fortress]
Cassandra Rayne: I... I know this place. This is where I... this is where I died. But who are all of you?
Buffy: We're trying to finish what you started, Cassandra. Trying to destroy the First. I'm Buffy Summers. The Slayer.
Cassandra Rayne: A Slayer. This is good fortune. I am but a lost soul, and can no longer wield Hope's Dagger. But you are worthy Slayer. It shall be you.
Willow Rosenberg: That... that's great and all, so, thanks. But where does Buffy find Hope's Dagger?
Cassandra Rayne: Inside the fortress. It will still be there. Only one who is worthy may wield it.
Faith: You don't gotta be virgin or anything, right? Cuz that could be a problem.
Cassandra Rayne: No. Only one can go, and it should be a Champion of the Powers. There are no Champions present, but a Slayer will more than suffice. Buffy must go alone.
Faith: Sucks to be you.
Buffy: At times. Now, for instance.
[Ethan's unconscience body disappears in a flash of light]
Willow Rosenberg: Ethan! What happened to him? He just went poof.
Cassandra Rayne: Perhaps the First has plans for my traitorous descendant after all.
Buffy: Only one way to find out.

Sid the Dummy: Jeez! Took your sweet time. Demons are trying to whittle me down to a toothpick and you five are gallavanting around on your little scavenger hunt.
Buffy: I'm not sure being eaten by zombie penguins counts as gallavanting.
Faith: Actually, I'm having a blast. Beats prison hands down. Girl can't get this exercise in stir.
Spike: Right, look, can we just put the sodding flesh puzzle together and be done with it?
[They put the body parts together, the body assembles and Cassandra comes back to life]
Ethan Rayne: It's true. I can't believe it... my own ancestor, a warrior for the Powers.
Cassandra Rayne: Cold. Why am I so cold?

Spike: [finds a secret area] Someone's little hidey-hole. Let's take a peek.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Touched (#7.20)" (2003)
Andrew Wells: Hi everybody. I missed you guys a lot. Sorry it took so long to get back from our mission-mission, but we had to wait out the sun. Well, I think our-our mission went very well. We, uh, we rode on Spike's hog, which was very cool, and, uh, uh, played some amusing games, and, uh - Oh. We got some information. You know what? I really need to urinate.
Spike: He's a breath of fresh air, innit he? Thank God I don't breathe.

Spike: No?
Buffy Summers: No.
Spike: You mean no as in "eventually"?
Buffy Summers: You really have problems with that word, don't you?
Spike: You can get them back!
Buffy Summers: Can? Maybe. Should? I'm just so tired.
Spike: They need you!
Buffy Summers: Well, I...
Spike: It's bloody chaos over there without you!
Buffy Summers: It is?
Spike: Yeah! Yeah. It's uh - there's junk. You know, food cartons. Sleeping bags not rolled up. Everyone's very scared and, uh, unkempt.
Buffy Summers: Sounds dire.
Spike: I didn't see a lot. I came, hit Faith a bunch of times, and left.
Buffy Summers: Really? I mean, not that I'm glad, but...
Spike: Oh, you say the word and she's a footnote in history. I'll make it look like a painful accident.
Buffy Summers: That's my problem. I say the word, some girl dies. Every time.

Andrew Wells: I spy with my little eye something that begins with a 'T'.
Spike: Tapestry.
Andrew Wells: Hey, good one. How did you...
Spike: Tapestry's the only thing in the whole bloody room.

Spike: I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I'd prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker; I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You. Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you - it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try... I've seen your kindness, and your strength, I've seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy.

Spike: A hundred plus years. And there's only one thing I've ever been sure of: you.
[reaches up to touch her face]
Spike: . Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you. And it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are: you're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy.
Buffy Summers: [through tears] I don't want to be the one.
Spike: I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.

Spike: So, uh, Buffy took some time off right in the middle of the apocalypse and it was her decision.
Xander Harris: Well, uh, we all decided.
Spike: Oh yeah, YOU all decided. You sad, sad, ungrateful traitors! Who do you think you are?
Willow: We're her friends, we just wanted...
Spike: Oh, that's ballsy of you! You're her friends, and you treat her like this.
Giles: You don't understand.
Spike: Oh, I think I do... Rupert. You used to be the big man, didn't you. The teacher, all full of wisdom. Now, she's surpassed you, and you can't handle it! She has saved your lives again and again. She has died for you, and this is how you thank her?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Doomed (#4.11)" (2000)
Xander: [Upon finding Spike trying to stake himself] We've shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
Willow: Xander.
Xander: What? He wants to die, I wanna help...
Willow: It's ooky. We know him. We can't just let him poof himself.
Spike: Oh, but you can. You know I'd drain you drier than the Sahara if I had half a chance.

Spike: That's right! I'm back, and I'm a bloody animal!

Spike: What's this? Sittin' around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot? It's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What? Can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her. She is the chosen one, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them, for justice, and for... the safety of puppies... and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!

Xander: Think of the happy. If we don't find what we're lookin' for, we're facing an apocalypse.
Spike: [excitedly] Really! You're not just sayin' that?

[after Xander's basement leaks]
Spike: My soddin' sleepin' chair's bloody... sodden.

Spike: [to Willow and Xander] *Buffy* fights the forces of evil. You're her groupies.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Harsh Light of Day (#4.3)" (1999)
Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Oh. Can I make him a vampire?
Spike: No. Wait, on second thought, yeah. Go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids, as well.

Spike: The Gem of Amara. Official sponsor of my killing you.

[Buffy runs into Spike and Harmony at a fraternity party]
Buffy: What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?
Spike: Maybe I dumped her.
Harmony: She left him for a Fungus Demon. That's all he talks about most days.

Spike: Harm, what are you doing?
Harmony: I'm writing "Spike loves Harmony" on your back.
Spike: Why?
Harmony: I don't know, it's fun. I'm bored. You can write on me.
Spike: I've got to get back to work.
Harmony: You love that tunnel more than me.
Spike: I love syphilis more than you.

Spike: [having the recovered the Gem of Amarra] Innit a fantastic day? Birds singing, squirrels making lots of rotton little squirrels. Sun beaming down in a nice, non-fatal way. It's very exciting. I can't wait to see if I freckle.

Spike: [to Harmony] This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass.


"Angel: Why We Fight (#5.13)" (2004)
Spike: Really oughta do somethin' about security. They'll let anybody in here, won't they? Fred gave me the Cliff Notes. So sailor boy finally came back for a yo-ho-ho, did he?
Angel: Finally came back.
Spike: Took him long enough. Know revenge is best served cold and all, but his must've been frozen solid.
Angel: I don't think that's what he was after.
Spike: No? Then what was he looking for?
Angel: A reason.

Spike: Bloody Brilliant! Turn the poor sod to save the ship and then make him dash for dry land before Mr. Sunshine scorches him a new one. You're still a dick.
Angel: Yeah, I am.
[looks up at the hatch]
Spike: Bollocks.
[climbs ladder]

Angel: Spike.
Spike: Captain.
Angel: What?
Spike: I wanna be called Captain. I mean, hell, I did eat him.
Angel: Check the torpedoes before I stuff you in a tube and send you for a swim, "Captain".

Angel: We need them. I'm not getting trapped at the bottom of the sea!
Spike: And I'm not getting experimented on by his government!

Spike: Sneaky bastards, the SS. Don't ever go to a "free virgin blood party". Turns out, it's probably a trap.
Angel: You were captured at a "free virgin blood party"?
Spike: I know. Who'd'a thought?

Angel: You're a Nazi.
Spike: What? Oh! No, I just ate one.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Becoming: Part 2 (#2.22)" (1998)
Buffy: What do you want?
Spike: I told you. I want to stop Angel. I want to save the world.
Buffy: Okay, you do remember that you're a vampire, right?
Spike: We like to talk big, vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." It's just tough guy talk. Struttin' around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United, and you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?

Spike: What, your Mom doesn't know?
Joyce: Know what?
Buffy: That I'm, uh... in a band. A-A rock band with Spike, here.
Spike: Right, she plays the, duh, triangle.
Buffy: Drums.
Spike: Drums. Yeah, she's a-a hell on the old skins, you know.

Joyce: Have we met?
Spike: Uh, you hit me with an axe one time. Remember, uh, "Get the hell away from my daughter"?

Buffy: I lost a friend tonight...
Spike: [speaking at the same time] I wasn't in on that raiding party.
Buffy: ...and I may lose more. The whole Earth may be sucked into hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to *not* care!
Spike: I can't fight them both alone and neither can you.
Buffy: [punches him] I hate you!
Spike: And I'm all you've got.

Spike: You have your way with him, you'll never get to destroy the world. And I don't fancy spending the next month trying to get librarian out of the carpet.

Buffy: What's the deal, Spike? You've got five minutes. Talk.
Spike: Simple: I help you kill Angel, stop him from awakening Acathla thus destroying the world, you let me and Dru skip town.
Joyce: [to Buffy] Angel your boyfriend?
Buffy: Forget it. You can walk, she doesn't.
Spike: There's no deal without her.
Buffy: She killed Kendra!
Spike: Dru bagged a slayer? S-She didn't tell me. Hey, good for her!
[at Buffy's angry look]
Spike: Though not from your perspective, I suppose.


"Angel: Power Play (#5.21)" (2004)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Cordelia gave you her visions?
Angel: It was only a one-shot deal. The vision didn't hit me until later that night. I knew then about the Black Thorn and who was behind the Apocalypse, but I couldn't see their faces. I was aware of where the power was, but didn't know who. Then Fred died and I didn't want that to be another awful thing in an awful world so I decided to use it... to make her death matter. And it worked. I'm in. I've seen the faces of evil in the Black Thorn. I know who the real powers in the Apocalypse are.
Gunn: So, what you said earlier about power...
Angel: I was telling the truth about that. Wolfam & Hart is like a machine. That machine has been around since the dawn of time and it will be around long after our bodies are dust and bones. The Senior Partners and Wolfram & Hart will always exist in one form or another because mankind is weak.
Lorne the Host: Someone might want to hand me the crossbow, 'cause I think he gonna start talking about ants again.
Angel: WE are weak. The powerful control everything... except our will to choose. Lindsey may be a pathetic half-wit, but he was right about one thing. Heroes don't accept the world the way it is. They fight it. The Senior Partners may be eternal, but we can make their existence painful.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You want to take them on? The Senior Partners?
Angel: Why not? Wolfram & Hart is a machine. We're in the machine. The Black Thorn runs it. They are the closest thing to the Senior Partners in this plane of existence. If we wipe out the Black Thorn, we can tip the scales in our favor. Bring Wolfram & Hart's gears and the Apocalypse to a grinding halt, even if it's just for a moment or two.
Spike: About time we got our hands dirty.

Angel: This isn't a "keep fighting the good fight" kind of deal. Let's be clear. I'm talking about killing every... single... member... of the Black Thorn. We don't walk away from that.
Lorne the Host: Do we crawl away at least?
Angel: We do this, the Senior Partners will rain their full wrath. They'll make an example of us. I'm talkin' full-on hell, not the basic fire-and-brimstone kind that we're used to.
Gunn: We know the drill.
Angel: No, you don't! Ten to one, we're gone when the smoke clears. They will do everything in their power to destroy us. So... I need you to be sure. Power endures. We can't bring down the Senior Partners, but for one bright shiny moment we can show them that they don't own us! You need to decide for yourselves if that's worth dying for. I can't order you to do this... but I can't do it without you. So we'll vote... as a team. Think about what I'm asking you to do. Think about what I'm asking you to give.
Spike: [grim tone] Kill 'em all. Burn the house down while we're still in it.
Angel: Something like that.

Drogyn: I came to find you.
Spike: Oh, so you tacked up a sign on your tree, waved bye to the Keeblers, hopped the puddle and somehow managed to sniff me out in a city of ten million?

Illyria: You'll have proof soon enough. A corrupted ruler on such a path sees treachery and betrayal all around him. He cannot suffer intimates and will eventually turn against them.
Spike: Guess I don't have to worry about that, 'cause Angel and me have never been intimate. Except that once...

Drogyn: It was a Sathari, part of a clan of demon assassins. They fell upon me last night at the Deeper Well. The poison from his four blades wearing heavy on my limbs...
Spike: [cutting him off] Yeah, rousing bit of rah-rah, mate. Get to the goods. Tell them what you told me.
Drogyn: Once I bested him, I tortured the Sathari for hours, until he confessed to me who sent him. It was Angel.
Spike: Tell them why.
Drogyn: He said that Angel was afraid I'd find something in the Deeper Well... something that would uncover the truth about his involvment.
Gunn: In what?
Drogyn: Helping Illyria escape from her tomb.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I thought the release of her sarcophagus from the Deeper Well was predestined.
Drogyn: That's what I thought at the time, but now I belive... Illyria's resurrection may have been planned.
Gunn: By Angel?
Lorne the Host: Oh, that doesn't make a lick of sense. Why would Angel want to spring an Old One?
Drogyn: I don't think that was the point.
Gunn: Then what was?
Drogyn: Before he died, the assasin said something about a sacrifice. Someone... trusted and dear.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Are you saying that Angel... was responsible for what happened to Fred?
Drogyn: I mean, he may not have chosen her specifically, but...
Lorne the Host: Whoa! Let's but a kibosh on that sentence before it turns into an ass-kicking.
Drogyn: Do you think I gain pleasure in this? I held Angel as an ally, a brother.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: And you belive he may have murdered Fred?
Drogyn: I know this is difficult for you, but Angel was involved. The information I retreived from the assasin...
Gunn: Did you ever think that the demon assasin was lying to you?
Drogyn: No one lies when they're in extreme pain... at the mercy of my wrath.
Gunn: Then you're the liar, Aragon.
Spike: He has to tell the truth. He cannot lie. It's a curse or something.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Spike's right. This is Drogyn, the battlebrand, given eternal youth a thousand years ago. Demon bane, truth sayer... Watchers council.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Business. What "business" are we in, Angel?
Angel: Do I really have to explain this to you people? We're in the business of business. Oil, software, worldwide wickets... the product doesn't matter. It's the game that matters. Get to the top, be the best, have the most, win.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Win what?
Angel: You're still missing the point.
Gunn: That Angel talking? 'cause it sounds a lot more like Angelus.
Angel: If I was Angelus, half of you would already be dead, just for the fun of it.
Spike: One of us already is. Having fun yet?
Angel: You wanna know the truth? The truth is there's only one of us who ever understood how things really work. Lorne
Lorne the Host: Whoa, hey! Can I not be the poster child for you nervous breakdown?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Triangle (#5.11)" (2001)
Spike: I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. I mean, look at all these lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Knew you wouldn't like it.
Buffy: You want credit for not feeding off bleeding disaster victims?
Spike: Well, yeah.
Buffy: You're disgusting.
Spike: What's it take?

Xander Harris: Uh-huh. Go away.
Spike: Now why would I do that when it's bugging you so much having me here? They have chicken wings, too. Also, a sort of a flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. It's brilliant.
Xander Harris: Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?
Spike: Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell.

Xander Harris: Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya and Willow will get this look, this, um, What-The-Hell-Do-You-See-In-Her look.
Spike: I know that look. A lot of people never really got Dru, you know.
Xander Harris: Well, she was insane.

[in response to being asked to fight a troll]
Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.

Olaf the Troll: You there, do you know where there are babies?
Spike: [to Xander] What do you think, the hospital?

Xander Harris: Well, we can take care of the hungry. So, how's about you just sit down in one of the sturdier chairs, and we could have a calm talk and something to eat.
Olaf the Troll: Can it be babies?
Xander Harris: Well, not so much.
Olaf the Troll: Ooh.
Xander Harris: But maybe some roast pigs and stags and much hearty grog.
Spike: They've got this onion thing...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: After Life (#6.3)" (2001)
Spike: Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment.
Buffy: I was happy. Wherever I was... I was happy... at peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time... didn't mean anything. Nothing had form. But I was still me, you know? And I was warm. And I was loved. And I was finished. Complete. I - I don't understand theology or dimensions, any of it really... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out, by my friends. Everything here is hard and bright and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch. This is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that. Knowing what I've lost. They can never know. Never.

Spike: You didn't tell me. You brought her back, and you didn't tell me.
Xander: Well, now you know.
Spike: I worked beside you all summer.
Xander: We didn't tell you. It was just... we didn't, okay?

Buffy: How long was I gone?
Spike: Hundred and forty-seven days yesterday. Uh... hundred and forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it? How long was it for you... where you were?
Buffy: Longer.

Dawn: [of Buffy's bloodied hands] I was gonna fix 'em... I don't know how they got like that.
Spike: I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?
Buffy: Yeah... that's what I had to do.
Spike: Done it myself.

Spike: Thank God. You scared me half to death. Or more to death. You- I could kill you!
Dawn: Spike.
Spike: I mean it. I could rip your head off one-handed and drink from your brain stem.

Spike: Uh, I do remember what I said. The promise... to protect her. If I'da done that... even if I didn't make it... you wouldn't have had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but, after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again... I do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways... Every night I save you.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Hush (#4.10)" (1999)
Giles: I need you to take Spike for a few days.
Xander: What?
Spike: What?
Anya: What?
Spike: I'm not stayin' with him.
Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.

Spike: Like I'd bite you anyway.
Xander: Oh, you would.
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist, and delicious.
Spike: All right, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
Xander: And don't you forget it.

Spike: We're out of Weetabix
Giles: We are out of Weetabix because you ate it all. Again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yeah, well sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
Spike: Sissy.

Anya: This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
Xander: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Giles: Please don't.

Spike: I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away.
Xander: That's not exactly one of my fantasies, either.


"Angel: Hell-Bound (#5.4)" (2003)
Spike: So that's it, then. I really am going to burn.
Angel: Welcome to the club.
Spike: Well, least I got company, eh? You and me, together again. Hope and Crosby. Stills and Nash. Chico and the...
Angel: Yeah, are we done?
Spike: Never much for small talk, were you? Always too busy trying to perfect that brooding block of wood mystique. God, I love that.
Angel: Not as much as I loved your nonstop yammering.
Spike: The way you always had to be the big swingy, swaggerin' around, barkin' orders.
Angel: Never listening.
Spike: Always interrupting.
Angel: And your hair. What color do they call that? Radioactive?
Spike: Never much cared for you, Liam, even when we were evil.
Angel: Cared for you less.
Spike: Fine.
Angel: Good.
[long pause]
Angel: There was one thing about you.
Spike: Really?
Angel: Yeah, I never told anybody about this, but I-I liked your poems.
Spike: You like Barry Manilow.

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: I've never seen anything like you.
Spike: Bet you say that to all the spirits.

Spike: Is this the part where I say, "Who's there?" and something creepy happens?

Spike: Vampire ghost here, you sod. I bloody well invented 'afraid of the dark.'

Spike: I'm not gonna end up like Pavayne, cheating Hell any way he could, no matter who it hurt.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Just proves what I've been telling everybody.
Spike: That I'm a handsome devil who brightens the place up?
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: That you're worth saving.


"Angel: Time Bomb (#5.19)" (2004)
Illyria: When the world met me, it shuddered, groaned. It knelt at my feet.
Spike: "Dear Penthouse, I don't normally write letters like this, but..."

Spike: So what sort of damage are we lookin' at if Illyria Chernobyls on us?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Conservative guess, several city blocks.
Angel: And what about unconservative?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Rand and McNally will have to redraw their maps.

Spike: It's not murder if you say yes.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Illyria?
Illyria: Touch me and die, vermin.
Spike: Not a very dramatic difference really.

Angel: Illyria's blown all her gaskets, man. She's outta her mind!
Spike: How can you tell? Yesterday she spent two hours mind-melding with a potted fern.


"Angel: Life of the Party (#5.5)" (2003)
Spike: Hey, Angel's getting some. Good on you mate.

Spike: You pissed in the Big Man's chair? That's fantastic.
Gunn: Spike, can you please turn off that warm fuzzy?
Spike: What, the Lorne thing? Wore off. I just think that's bloody fabulous.

Spike: Oh, oh. Me, me. I'm your people person.

Spike: [Very cheery] Hey, is this a great party or what?
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: OK, something is definitely wrong with this picture.
Spike: [Still eerily cheery] This might be the greatest song ever written!
[dances, moving his head, singing along]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Yes. We appear to be under the effect of something, a spell.
Gunn: Spike, how long have you been, you know... this?
Spike: It's great, isn't it? I don't know. Happened a bit after I talked with Angel and Lorne. Yeah. Lorne told me to think positively.

Spike: [Looking at demons and Wolfram and Hart employees in costume] In my day, no self-respecting creature of the night went out on All Hallow's Eve. We left that to the posers, the blighters who had to dress up and try to be scary.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: A New Man (#4.12)" (2000)
Spike: Why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?
Giles: As a matter of fact, I did.

Xander Harris: You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.
Spike: Hang on. Let a fella get organized.
[Spike starts grabbing things]
Xander Harris: That's my radio!
Spike: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.

Spike: And I'm supposed to just help you out of the evilness of my heart?

Giles: [Demon Giles] If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear.
Spike: I'm doin' my best. I don't know if I'm drivin' this thing or wearin' it.
Giles: [Demon Giles] It's perfectly serviceable.
Spike: [laughs] Funny hearing a Fyarl demon say "serviceable". Had a couple of 'em working for me once. They're more like, "Like to crush. Crush now?" Strong though. You won't meet a jar you can't open for the rest of your life.
[Giles growls menacingly]
Spike: [amused] What was that? Did you growl?
Giles: [primly] No.


"Angel: Origin (#5.18)" (2004)
Illyria: [to Wesley] You reek of frustration. Curls off of you like smoke.
Spike: Actually, love, we call that scotch. Twelve-year Lagavulin if I'm not mistaken. Good choice.

Connor: [about Illyria] So, does she have any special powers or anything?
Spike: Glad you asked. So far I've established that she can hit like a Mack truck, selectively alter the flow of time and, uh...
[looks through clipboard]
Spike: ...possibly talk to plants.

Spike: [while trying to 'study' Illyria] Right, we need to set some ground rules. First off, no more punching me in the face! Secondly, when I punch YOU in the face, you tell me how you feel, so I can write it down on my clipboard.
[picks up his clipboard, gets defensive]
Spike: Third - no touching my clipboard.
Illyria: I enjoy hurting you.
Spike: Well we're gonna have to fix that, 'cause-
[Illyria kicks Spike in the face]

[Angel and Connor are walking down the hallway talking when Spike is thrown through a door]
Spike: Oh, you filthy harlot! I'm going to tear your neck out!
Angel: [to Connor] Want to meet some of my co-workers?
Connor: Sure.


"Angel: Smile Time (#5.14)" (2004)
Angel: Harmony, get my call list.
Harmony: Um...
Angel: And Spike needs a car.
Spike: You heard the puppet.

Spike: Hey, big guy. Need another car. 'Fraid this last one ended up in the drink.
[pause]
Angel: Spike...
Spike: Look at you.
Angel: Spike, just turn around and walk away.
Spike: You're a...
Angel: Spike!
Spike: You're a bloody puppet!

Angel: What are you people lookin' at? Well?
Spike: They're lookin' at the wee little puppet man.

Spike: You're a wee little puppet man!


"Angel: Harm's Way (#5.9)" (2004)
Harmony Kendall: Oh, what? I don't get a goodbye just because I went crazy and tried to rip your throat out while we were having sex?
Spike: Keep it simple, Harm. It suits you.

Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: There haven't been any side effects since you recorporealized, have there?
Spike: Bit of a hangover. But that's to be expected after all the drinkin'.

Spike: [turns to leave] Yeah. Here's the thing. Could use a little walkin'-around money. How 'bout a few hundred?
Angel: How 'bout no?
Spike: Typical, you cheap sod. Right, then. Settle for some wheels.
Angel: If it's gonna get you out of here faster, fine. Just not the Viper.
Spike: Viper it is, then.

Spike: Anything you want me to tell Buffy?
Angel: Yeah... Tell her you're a moron.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dead Things (#6.13)" (2002)
Buffy: [after they've been making love] We missed the bed again.
Spike: Lucky for the bed.
Buffy: Uhh. Ohh.
[She looks at the Oriental carpet which she's draped over herself]
Buffy: Is this a new rug?
Spike: No. It just looks different when you're under it.
Buffy: [laughs] You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
Spike: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.
Buffy: I've been thinking about doing something to my room.
Spike: Yeah?
Buffy: Yeah, I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.
Spike: [chuckles and nuzzles her shoulder] Well, if you want, I can...
[He trails off and frowns at her]
Spike: Are we having a conversation?
Buffy: What? No! No. Maybe.
Spike: Huh.
Spike: What?
Spike: Well, isn't this usually the part where you kick me in the head and run out, virtue fluttering?
Buffy: [not at all displeased] That's the plan. As soon as my legs start working.
Spike: [He chuckles again, then grows serious and strokes her arm with the back of his hand] You were amazing.
Buffy: [For the first time, Buffy looks uncomfortable] You got the job done, yourself.

Buffy: [angrily] What did you do?
Spike: What I had to. I went back and I took care of it. It doesn't matter now. No one will ever find her.
Cop #1: [coming out of the police station] Where'd they find her?
Cop #2: The river. She washed up half a mile from the cemetery.
Spike: Oh, balls.

Buffy: A girl is dead because of me.
Spike: And how many people are alive because of you? How many have you saved? One dead girl doesn't tip the scale.
Buffy: That's all it is to you, isn't it? Just another body.
Spike: Buffy...
[she hits him]
Buffy: You can't understand why this is killing me, can you?
Spike: Why don't you explain it?
[she starts beating him up]
Spike: Come on, that's it, put it on me. Put it all on me. That's my girl.
Buffy: I am not your girl.
[knocks him down and starts pounding him]
Buffy: You don't have a soul. There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside. You can't feel anything real. I could never be your girl.
[she eventually stops beating him]
Spike: You always hurt the one you love, pet.

Spike: [Buffy is anxious to leave after they've spent all night making love, and Spike is peeved] What is this to you, this thing we have?
Buffy: What? We don't have a... thing, we have this. That's all.
Spike: Do you even like me?
Buffy: [placating] Sometimes.
Spike: [He frowns; she looks away] Thought you like what I do to you.
[She doesn't answer. He pulls out a pair of handcuffs and dangles them]
Spike: [very seriously] Do you trust me?
Buffy: [Buffy pauses for a long time, then answers wistfully] Never.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Becoming: Part 1 (#2.21)" (1998)
[Seeing Acathla's tomb]
Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.

Spike: Nice walk, pet?
Drusilla: I met an old man. I didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth.

Angelus: [to Drusilla] You can see all that in your head?
Spike: No, you ninny, she read it in the morning paper.

Angelus: Acathla, the demon, came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw a breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would want to look. Unless of course they're puttin' up low-rent housing.
[to other vampires]
Angelus: Boys.
[two vampires open the sarcophagus]
Drusilla: He fills my head. I can't hear anything else.
Spike: Let me guess, someone pulls out the sword...
Angelus: Someone worthy.
Spike: ...The demon wakes up and wackiness ensues.
Drusilla: He will swallow the world.
Angelus: And every creature living on this planet will go to hell. My friends, we're about to make history... end.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Initiative (#4.7)" (1999)
Spike: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me b-before.
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right when I started. Let's try again.
[he leaps on her and draws back in pain]
Spike: Ow! Oh!
[he tries again]
Spike: Ow! Damn it!
Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me it doesn't.
Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. I-I... You didn't wanna bite me. I just happened to be around.
Spike: Piffle.
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, "Oooh, you're like a sister to me," or, "Oh, you're such a good friend."
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Willow: Really?
Spike: Thought about it.
Willow: [slightly flattered] When?
Spike: Remember last year, you had on that, uh, fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?
Willow: I never woulda guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.
Spike: Mmm. I hate being obvious. All fangy and "rrr!" Takes the mystery out.
Willow: But if you could...
Spike: If I could, yeah.
Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
Spike: Don't patronize me.

Spike: I'm only 126.
Willow: You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again?

[after being trapped by the Initiative, thinking Buffy's behind it]
Spike: I always worried what would happen when that bitch got some funding.

[Knock on door]
Willow: Come in.
[Spike enters, Willow jumps out of bed]
Willow: [Nervously] Spike! What do you want? Uh, a spell, I can do that.
Spike: I'll give you a choice. Now I'm gonna kill you, no choice in that. But, I can let you stay dead, or bring you back to be like me.
Willow: I'll, I'll scream!
Spike: [scoffs] Bonus.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: End of Days (#7.21)" (2003)
Spike: Were you there with me?
Buffy: I was.
Spike: What does that mean?
Buffy: I don't know. Does it have to mean something?
Spike: No. Not right now.

Spike: [sighs] We'll go be heroes.
[walks out the door]

Buffy: You're a dope.
Spike: I'm a what?
Buffy: You're a dope, a-and a bonehead, and you're shirty.
Spike: Have you gone completely Carrot-top?
Buffy: Do you see this? This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything and the reason I'm holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. I am tired of defensiveness and-and weird mixed signals - You know what? I have Faith for that. Let's just get to the truth, here, okay? I don't know how you felt about last night, but I will not...
Spike: Terrified.

Spike: Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this.
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but...
Buffy: I just told you it did.
Spike: Yeah, I hear you say it, but... I've lived for sodding ever, Buffy. I've done everything. I've done things with you I can't spell, but I've never been close to anyone, least of all you, until last night. All I did was hold you, watch you sleep, and it was the best night of my life. So, yeah, I'm terrified.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: What's My Line?: Part 2 (#2.10)" (1997)
Spike: And if Dru dies... your little Rebecca of Sunnyhell Farm and all her mates are spared her coming out party.

[Willy the Snitch brings a captive Buffy before Spike]
Spike: Are you tripping? You bring her here? Now?

Willy the Snitch: What are ya gonna do with him, anyway?
Spike: I'm thinkin' maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.

Spike: Now we just let them come to a simmering boil, then remove to a low flame.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Primeval (#4.21)" (2000)
[Spike finds Riley in the cave with Adam]
Spike: Slightly stiffer than usual.
[clicks his fingers in Riley's face, with no response]
Spike: Subtle, but I like it.
[pokes Riley in the chest, still no response]
Spike: What's with him?
Adam: I activated his chip.
Spike: Oh. So it's chips all around, is it? Someone must've bought the party pack.

Adam: So you failed.
Spike: Well, hey, you're supposed to be so smart. You let me plan this thing.
[Adam stares at him, unimpressed]
Spike: Okay, let's not quibble about who failed who.

Spike: Well, then everything's all right and we all get to be not staked through the heart. Good work team.

Adam: I didn't send for you, Spike.
Spike: Yeah, well... I'm not much the being-sent-for type.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Weight of the World (#5.21)" (2001)
Spike: Is everyone here very stoned?

Spike: Ben, Glory. He's a doctor, she's the Beast. Two entirely separate entities sharing one body. It's like a bloody sitcom.

Spike: This is gonna be worth it.
[slaps Xander on the back of the head, both cry out in pain because Spike has his chip still]
Spike: Last time... from the top...

Doc: What can I do for you boys? Want some cocoa?
Spike: No. We need information. We need...
Xander: Ben's Glory!
Doc: Who's what?
Spike: Look at this. Special Ed remembers.
Xander: Yeah. I do. Ben's Glory, and Glory's Ben. It's like this fog's liftin'.
Spike: Wonderful. But not why we're here.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The I in Team (#4.13)" (2000)
Spike: [bursts in with tarp over him; smoking] Close the door!
Xander Harris: Spike? You may want to give up these morning jogs.

Rupert Giles: [after bandaging Spike] It'll be dark soon. I think it would be wise for you to leave Sunnydale.
Spike: I'm not going anywhere. Not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was.
Xander Harris: [sarcastic] Sure. Just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.
Spike: [hopefully] You think that would work?
Rupert Giles: Spike. Lord knows why I'm telling you this... it's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation, it's not safe for you here.
Buffy Summers: [walking in] No. It's not safe for any of us.

[Giles enters Spike's mausoleum]
Spike: Here, wipe your feet when you enter a person's home.
Rupert Giles: Oh, yes, careless of me. Tracking mud all over your, um, mud.
Spike: I admit, it's a bit of a fixer-upper. Needs a woman's touch. Care to have a crack at it?
Rupert Giles: While I'd love to go on trading jabs with you, Spike, perhaps I'll come to the point. Much as it pains me to say it, um, I owe you a debt of gratitude for the help you provided me in my recent... metamorphosis.
Spike: Stuff the gratitude. You owe me more than that, mate.
Rupert Giles: [pulls out a bundle of bills] Three hundred. Count it if you'd-
[Spike snatches it out of his hand]
Rupert Giles: like.
Spike: I'll do that.
[starts counting]
Rupert Giles: Um, thinking about your, um, affliction and, uh, your new-found discovery that you can fight only demons, it occurs to me that, um-
[chuckles]
Rupert Giles: I realize this is completely against your nature but I, I, I... Has it occurred to you there may be a higher purpose...
Spike: Uhh! You made me lose count. What are you still doing here?
Rupert Giles: Talking to myself, apparently.
Spike: Well, piss off, then. This bit of business wraps up any I got with you and your Slayerettes. From here on, I want nothing to do with the lot of you.
Rupert Giles: Your choosing to remain in Sunnydale might make that a little difficult.
Spike: Well, you and yours will just have to show a little restraint, is all. Now get out.
[Giles heads for the door]
Spike: And I don't want you crawling back here, knocking on my door, pleading for help the second Teen Witch's magic goes all wonky or little Xander cuts a new tooth. We're through. Got it?

Spike: Soldier boys are out in force. I've been trying to keep 'em off my scent. Run 'em in circles. But they just keep coming.
Rupert Giles: And... how is this our concern? Seeing that you've expressed a desire to have nothing more to do with us.
Xander Harris: Spike said that?
Rupert Giles: Mm-hmm.
Xander Harris: [to Spike] That hurts.
Spike: All right. What do you want me to say? I need help.
[points at Giles]
Spike: And no cheek from you.
[Giles pantomimes zipping his lips shut]
Spike: Look! The bugers shot me. In the back.
Rupert Giles: Remind me. Why should I help you?
Spike: [scoffs] Because you do that. You're the goody-good guys. You're the bloody freakin' cavalry.
Rupert Giles: No, you can come up with a better answer than that. Why should *I* help *you*?
Spike: Oh! Because I helped you!
[smugly]
Spike: When you turned into that Fyarl demon, I helped you, didn't I?
Rupert Giles: And that was out of the, um, evilness of your heart?
Spike: [grins] Oh, hell no. I made you pay me-
[stops at Giles' hard expression]
Spike: You right bastard.
[hands him crumpled money]
Spike: That's all that's left. I spent the rest on blood and smokes, which I'll never see again.
[Xander and Anya are still watching him from the couch]
Spike: Ah, come on! Circle the wagons. Tend to the wounded here. No time for layabouts!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lies My Parents Told Me (#7.17)" (2003)
Giles: We have to put this in your brain.
Spike: Bugger that.

Spike: Little tip mate. Stake's your friend. Don't be afraid to use it.

Dawn Summers: So, it might not work?
Giles: Well, the stone's just a catalyst for the process. The rest is up to Spike.
Spike: And how do you expect to get that hunk of rubble into my cranium?

Spike: Oh, you have got to be joking. What now?
Giles: It has to access the cerebral cortex via the optic nerve.
Spike: Oh, bollocks. All the rubbish people keep sticking in my head, it's a wonder there's any room for my brain.
Giles: I don't think it takes up that much space, do you?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Yoko Factor (#4.20)" (2000)
Spike: You're not exactly the whiz these days either. God, I'm never gonna get paid.
Willow: I am a whiz.
Tara Maclay: She is a whiz.
Willow: If ever a whiz there was.

[startling Giles by walking in on him singing]
Spike: You know, for someone who's got "Watcher" on his résumé, you might wanna cast an eye to the front door every now and again.

Spike: It's nothing I know. What, you think I'd come running over saying, "I've got a secret. Beat me till I talk"?

Adam: Two Slayers.
Spike: That's right.
Adam: And you killed them both.
Spike: Yep. I killed the hell out of 'em.
Adam: Yet you fear this one.
Spike: Hey, watch it, mate. I don't fear anything. Just know my enemies.
Adam: Do you? Then why haven't you killed this Slayer yet?
Spike: Because... Stinking rotten luck, is why. On top of that, now I've got this buggering chip up my head.
Adam: Yes. Your behavior modification circuitry. I know what you feel.
Spike: Not likely.
Adam: You feel smothered. Trapped like an animal. Pure in its ferocity, unable to actualize the urges within. Clinging to one truth like a flame struggling to burn within an enclosed glass. That a beast this powerful cannot be contained. Inevitably it will break free and savage the land again. I will make you whole again. Make you savage.
Spike: Wow. I mean, yeah. I get why the demons all fall in line with you. You're like Tony Robbins, if he was a big, scary Frankenstein-looking... You're exactly like Tony Robbins.
Adam: I will restore you to what you once were... when I have the Slayer how and where I want her.
Spike: [scoffs] Easier said. She's crafty. Her and her little friends.
Adam: Friends?
Spike: There's your, whatchacallit, variable. The Slayer's got pals. You want her evening the odds in a fight, you don't want her Slayerettes mucking about.
Adam: Take them away from her.
Spike: Now there's a plan. She's working solo, she won't have a chance to come after us when the wild rumpus begins.
[chuckles]
Spike: Plus, it'll make her miserable, and I never get tired of that.
[thinks, plans, grins]
Spike: Yeah. Leave 'em to me.
Adam: You can't hurt them. What can you do to make sure they're out of the picture?
Spike: Not a blessed thing. They're gonna do it for me.
[smiles up at Adam, then smiles to himself, plotting]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Into the Woods (#5.10)" (2000)
Buffy: Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you and I- Are you naked under there?
Buffy: Get out.
Spike: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part...

Spike: Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey.
Riley Finn: Because you are.
Spike: Well... yeah. But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're never gonna be able to hold onto her.

Spike: Come on. You're not the long haul guy and you know it.
Riley Finn: Shut up.
Spike: You know it. Or else you wouldn't be getting suck jobs from two-bit vampire trolls. The girl needs some monster in her man... and that's not in your nature... no matter how low you try to go.

Spike: [to Riley about Buffy] Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her, to be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you... the scent. No, you got the better deal.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Shadow (#5.8)" (2000)
Spike: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Riley: Am I dark enough for you now?
Spike: Bloody pull me back in, you sod, I'm startin' to sizzle!
Riley: You don't know anything about Buffy, you never did. I'm the one that knows what she needs.
Spike: Oh yeah? That's why you're with her at hospital right now, giving her what she needs.
Riley: What are you talkin' about?
Spike: Don't you know, didn't she tell you?
Riley: You tell me.
Spike: Her mum's sickly. Buffy took her to hospital for a bit of prod 'n probe. Bite-sized one went too. You know, it's-it's funny her not calling you about that. I've known since last night.

Spike: Okay, how 'bout this one. Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a deinvite on the house. Keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest list?
Riley: Because you're harmless.
Spike: Oh yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. Least I still got the attitude. What you got, a piercing glance? Face it, white bread. Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you, but sorry Charlie, you're just not dark enough.

[Riley's throwing Spike out after catching him smelling Buffy's sweater]
Spike: I know, for a bleedin' fact, the Slayer wouldn't mind me bein' here.
Riley: Right. What's a little sweater sniffing between sworn enemies?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Halloween (#2.6)" (1997)
Drusilla: Do you love my insides, the parts you can't see?
Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.

[Spike surveys the chaos caused on Halloween by Ethan Rayne's costume transformation spell]
Spike: Well, this is just... neat.

Drusilla: Do you love my insides, the parts you can't see?
Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet. That's why I've got to study this Slayer. Once I know her I can kill her. And once I kill her you can have your run of Sunnyhell. Get strong again.
Drusilla: Don't worry. Everything's switching. Outside to inside.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Gone (#6.11)" (2002)
Spike: Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis, like, um, when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it.
Doris Kroger: I'm sorry, did you say...
Buffy: Crib. Crib. He said crib. You know kids today and their buggin' street slang.

Xander: [as Xander walks in on Spike and invisible Buffy] Spike? What are you doing?
Spike: What am I-... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I?
[starts doing "push-ups"]
Xander: Exercising? Naked? In bed?
Spike: A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. You gotta keep fit for killing.
Xander: Ya-huh.

[to Buffy, who is threatening him with a kitchen implement]
Spike: Ah, ah, ah, this flapjack's not ready to be flipped!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Killer in Me (#7.13)" (2003)
Buffy: Giles is off on the retreat.
Spike: Give us all a chance for a breather, eh?
Buffy: From Giles?
Spike: From the constant pitter patter of clomping teenage girlie feet.
Buffy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Spike: Come off it.
Buffy: No, I enjoy my responsibility as mentor, role model, life guide - oh, my God, I cannot believe I have my bathroom all to myself for two whole days.
Spike: It's like a bloody war-zone up there, and not in a good way.
Buffy: Have you seen the kitchen since they've been here?

Buffy: There's gotta be a reason why the chip is going all wonky. Maybe it's related to the trigger. Or maybe it has something to do with the new soul.
Spike: Or maybe I wasn't meant to last this long.
[pause]
Spike: One more thing you and I have in common, eh, pet?
Buffy: Well, we'll fix it. We'll hit serious research mode.
Spike: [interrupting] Good. Try behavior modification software throughout the ages.
Buffy: [sighs] Okay, you're right. Not a book thing.
[pauses, comes to a realization]
Buffy: It's a phone thing.
Spike: Who ya gonna call?
[awkard look from Buffy]
Spike: God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
Buffy: Doubt it.

Spike: What's happening?
General: Miss Summers. Agent Finn reported that you tried to contact him earlier today.
Buffy: I knew it! Government conspiracy.
General: He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We're to provide you anything you need to help with...
[gestures at Spike]
General: ...assface here.
[Buffy and Spike stare at him]
General: Those were his exact words, ma'am.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I Only Have Eyes for You (#2.19)" (1998)
Spike: Well, our old place was just fine till you went and had it burned down.
Angelus: Things change, Spikey. You gotta roll with the punches. Well, actually, you pretty much got that part down, haven't you?
Spike: Very funny, mate.
Angelus: What can I say? I just love to see you smile, buddy.

Spike: [seeing Angel's new lair] It's paradise. Big windows, lovely gardens, it'll be perfect when we want the sunlight to kill us.

Spike: [Angelus is furiously washing himself] You might want to let up. They say when you've drawn blood, you've exfoliated.
Angelus: What do you know about it? I'm the one who was friggin' violated. You didn't have this thing in you.
Drusilla: What was it? A demon?
Angelus: Love!
Drusilla: Poor Angel.


"Angel: You're Welcome (#5.12)" (2004)
Cordelia: I thought he had a soul.
Spike: I thought she didn't.
Cordelia: I do!
Spike: So do I!
Cordelia: Well, clearly, mine's better.

Spike: You got no idea how rotten this feels.
Lindsey McDonald: Oh, amazingly enough, I do. Yeah. Got my hand cut off a few years back. Line of duty. So believe me when I tell you I can feel your pain.
Spike: Well, half of it anyway. I'll give ya that.

Angel: Fail-safe's meant for me. I'm not gonna risk anybody I care about.
Spike: I'll go.
Angel: Okay.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Checkpoint (#5.12)" (2001)
[after Spike slays a vampire for her]
Buffy: Spike, why did you do that?
Spike: Not for money, if that's what you're thinkin'. Your heartfelt gratitude's plenty. 'Spect I'll be getting that any moment.
Buffy: Gratitude? For getting in my way?
Spike: G-Getting in your way? I saved you.
Buffy: I was regrouping.
Spike: You were about to be regrouped into separate piles. You needed help.
Buffy: I didn't need you. I never need you, Spike.
Spike: Oh, I get it. You just don't like who did the rescuing, that's all. Wishin' I was your boyfriend what's-his-height... Oh, wait, he's run off.
Buffy: You know what? I don't need a boyfriend. To rescue me or for any other reason.
Spike: Don't need or can't keep? You keep making notches in the headboard, but eventually, they get up out of the bed and run off, don't they?
Buffy: You're disgusting.
Spike: Rough talk. Maybe that's your problem. Maybe you push 'em away? Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much? Or maybe, your beauty's fading. The stress of slaying aging you prematurely. Things not as high, not as firm.
Buffy: You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't.
Spike: Or maybe you just don't hold their interest.
[walks away]

[Joyce and Dawn are staying with Spike]
Spike: Just don't break anything. And don't make a lotta noise. Passions is comin' on.
Joyce Summers: Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?
Spike: Oh, no, no. She can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for God's sake.
Joyce Summers: Ah, what about the wedding? I mean, there's no way they're gonna go through with that.

Lydia: [about Buffy] I'd think you'd want to kill her. You've killed Slayers before.
Spike: [steps forward] Heard of me, have you?
Lydia: I... wrote my thesis on you.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Goodbye Iowa (#4.14)" (2000)
[a bloodied Spike is thrown out of Willy's Place by a group of angry demons]
Rough-Looking Demon: What did you expect Spike? A welcome party? Word's out you've been making war on the demon world.
Spike: War?
Rough-Looking Demon: With the Slayer! You kill other demons, and the rest of us don't hold with that. Still... if I see you around here again, I'll be inclined to break that code!

[commenting to Buffy on her relationship with Riley]
Spike: Gotta hand it to you, Goldilocks, you do have a bleedin' tragic taste in men. I got a cousin married to a regurgitating Frolopse's demon that's got better instincts than you.

[Riley suddenly sees Spike sitting in Giles' apartment]
Riley Finn: [shocked] That's Hostile 17.
Spike: [bad American accent] No, I'm just a friend of Xanderrrzz.
[drops accent]
Spike: Bugger it. I'm your guy.
Buffy: This is Spike. He's, um... It's a really long story. But-but he's not bad anymore.
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleedin' broken record? I'm *bad*. It's just, I can't bite anymore. Thanks to you wankers.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I Was Made to Love You (#5.15)" (2001)
Giles: We are not your friends. We are not your way to Buffy. There is no way to Buffy. Clear out of here. And Spike, this thing, get over it.
Spike: I don't know what you mean.
Giles: Yes you do. Move the hell on.

Spike: If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight, little body and make me.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Empty Places (#7.19)" (2003)
Giles: Spike, I have a mission for you.
Spike: Oh, really? 'Cause, you know, sometimes our missions end up with you tryin' to kill me. I'm not fond of those.

Andrew Wells: I-I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They're really good.
Spike: Not as good as those onion blossom things.
Andrew Wells: Ooh, I love those.
Spike: Yeah, me too.
Andrew Wells: It's an onion and it's a flower. I-I don't understand how such a thing is possible.
Spike: Oh, see, the genius of it is, you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it, root-side up, for about five minutes.
Andrew Wells: Masterful.
Spike: Yeah. Tell anyone we had this conversation, I'll bite you.
Andrew Wells: Right.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Family (#5.6)" (2000)
[Mr. Maclay is trying to take Tara]
Xander Harris: You're dealing with all of us.
Spike: 'Cept me.
Xander Harris: 'Cept Spike.
Spike: I don't care what happens.

[to Tara's father]
Spike: There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line? Huh, you're a piece of work. I like you.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Two to Go (#6.21)" (2002)
[a shirtless and shoeless Spike stands in an arena-like space in the African cave]
Cave Demon: You understand, then?
Spike: Yeah. Yeah, it's not like you haven't been clear about it, oh great mysterious one. This is a test. I don't get what I want unless I pass said test. That about the size and shape?
Cave Demon: Yes.
Spike: And since your pad is decked out gladiator style, and no number two pencils have been provided, I guess we're not starting with the written.

[Spike's challenger, a large, burly man, walks out of the shadows in the cave arena to confront Spike]
Spike: Oh, here we go, then. Just me and the walking action-figure. I'm venturing this would be the kill-or-be-killed type of situation, then?
Cave Demon: To the death.
Spike: [to his challenger] Right. Here we are now. Entertain us.
[the man slams his fists together and they catch on fire]
Spike: Son of a...
[the flaming-fists man punches Spike]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: As You Were (#6.15)" (2002)
Buffy: It's over.
Spike: I've memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want.
Buffy: I know that. I do want you. Being with you... makes things... simpler. For a little while.
Spike: I don't call five hours straight a little while.
Buffy: I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just... being weak, and selfish...
Spike: Really not complaining here.
Buffy: And it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry William.

Buffy: Tell me you love me.
Spike: I love you. You know I do.
Buffy: Tell me you want me.
Spike: I always want you. In point of fact...
Buffy: Shut up.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Restless (#4.22)" (2000)
Spike: [In Xander's dream] Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff.
Rupert Giles: Spike's like a son to me.
Xander Harris: That's good. I was into that for a while, but... I got other stuff goin' on. You gotta have something. Gotta be with movin' forward.
Buffy Summers: Like a shark.
Xander Harris: Like a shark with feet and... much less fins.
Spike: And on land.
Rupert Giles: Very good.

Spike: [In Giles' dream, Spike is in black and white and posing for old style cameras] I've hired myself out as an attraction.
Rupert Giles: Sideshow freak?
Spike: Well, at least it's showbiz.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Superstar (#4.17)" (2000)
Spike: Oh, look. Jonathan. Taking the little sidekick out for a walk, are we?
Buffy: Shut up, Spike.
Spike: Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Semi-harsh language from Betty. You're feisty when big guy's standing beside you.
[strokes her hair and says seductively]
Spike: Someday, Sweet Slayer, I would love to take you on. See you face the evil alone for once.
[Jonathan slams Spike up against the crypt wall]
Jonathan Levinson: That's enough of the creepy small talk. We're looking for a monster.
Spike: Why would I know about that?
Jonathan Levinson: Every demon in this town's gunning for you right now, so I figure you're probably keeping pretty good track of 'em. Big arms. Mark on its head. Have you seen it?
Spike: No. But then again, I'm probably lying.

Spike: I live here. I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from Wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kittens.


"Angel: Darla (#2.7)" (2000)
Darla: [looking at a dead body] So beautiful. Not a blemish, not a freckle. Perhaps we should have preserved that beauty for eternity-?
Angel: [as Angelus] Still, - he won't now age.
Darla: No, but he'll rot. Seems a pity.
Drusilla: When I bit into him, I could hear the ocean.
Darla: Of course you could.
Drusilla: I'm full and warm, yet all alone.
Angel: [as Angelus] That's not true, precious. You've got us.
Drusilla: Not in the least. You won't even hurt me just a little bit.
Darla: All you have to do is ask.
Drusilla: No. His head's too full of you, Grandmother.
Darla: Stop calling me that.
Drusilla: Don't be cross. I could be your mummy...
Angel: Well, if you're lonely, Dru, why don't you make yourself a playmate?
Drusilla: I could! I could pick the wisest and bravest knight in all the land and make him mine forever with a kiss.
Spike: [walking past] Bloody... watch where you're going!
Darla: Or you could just take the first drooling idiot that comes along.

Darla: [to Drucilla and Spike] So, where have you two been?
Drusilla: May I tell?
Spike: No need to be humble.
Drusilla: My little Spike just killed himself a Slayer!
Darla: [to Angelus] Did you hear that?
Angel: [as Angelus - not pleased] Congratulations. I guess that makes you one of us.
Spike: Don't be so glum, mate. The way you tell it, one Slayer snuffs it, another rises. I figure there's a new Chosen One, getting all chosen as we speak. I'll tell you what: if and when this new bird shows up, - I'll give you first crack at her.
Drusilla: I smell fear...
Angel: [as Angelus] This whole place reeks of it.
Drusilla: It's intoxicating.
Angel: Let's get out of here. This rebellion's starting to bore me.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bring on the Night (#7.10)" (2002)
Spike: You're not Drusilla.
Drusilla: [as The First] No, I'm really not.
Spike: She was crazier than you.

Drusilla: [as The First] Do you know why you're alive?
Spike: Never figured you for existential thought, luv. I mean, you hated Paris.
Drusilla: [as The First] You're alive for one reason, and one reason only. Because I wish it. Do you know why I wish it? Because I'm not done with you.
Spike: [scoffs] Give it up. Whatever you are, whatever you get away with, I'm out. You can't pull this puppet's strings any more.
Drusilla: [as The First] And what makes you think you have a choice? What makes you think you will ever be any good at all in this world?
Spike: She does. Because she believes in me.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Where the Wild Things Are (#4.18)" (2000)
Xander: Anya, look around. There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair... We're fresh out of superpeople, and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now who's with me?
[Willow and Tara hesitate]
Spike: I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics... and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And, I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But...
[pauses]
Spike: Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing.
[walks away]
Spike: I wonder if Asian House is open.

Anya: A year and a half ago, I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now, I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much simpler.
Spike: You know, you take the killing for granted, and then it's gone, and you're like, I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stop and smell the corpses, you know.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: What's My Line?: Part 1 (#2.9)" (1997)
Dalton: The Order of Taraka? I mean, isn't that overkill?
Spike: No. I think it's just enough kill.

Dalton: [attempting to translate a manuscript] I'm not sure. It could be, "Deprimere ille bubula linter."
Spike: [reading] "Debase the beef... canoe". Why does that strike me as not right?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: No Place Like Home (#5.5)" (2000)
Spike: Oh, yeah, okay. Let me guess - you won't kill me? Ooh. The whole crowd-pleasing threats and swagger routine. Outstandingly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so, cuz God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard. And-and I never really liked you anyway, and-and you have stupid hair.

Buffy: What are you doing here?
Spike: Look...
Buffy: Five words or less.
Spike: [counts on his fingers] Out for a walk.
[pauses]
Spike: Bitch.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Older and Far Away (#6.14)" (2002)
Spike: I had a muscle cramp. Buffy was, uh, helping.
Tara: A muscle cramp... in your pants?
Spike: What? It's a thing.

Tara: How's that cramp, Spike? Still bothering you?
Spike: What? Oh, yeah.
Tara: Maybe you, uh, wanna put some ice on it.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Forever (#5.17)" (2001)
[Spike decides to attack a Gorah demon]
Spike: Hey, Gorah! Heads up!
[the demon rises revealing itself to have three heads]
Spike: Right, then. Heads it is.

Spike: [On Joyce's passing] I liked the lady! Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. She always had a nice cuppa for me.
[beat]
Spike: And she never treated me like a freak!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Potential (#7.12)" (2003)
Molly: Where'd you live?
Spike: What, you mean before? A crypt, actually, but nicer. A bit more - I don't know if posh is the right word, but it was more like...
Buffy: Comfy.
Kennedy: Excuse me? When did you find it comfy?

Spike: Nice job of blending in, girls.
Rona: We're a bunch of 15-year-olds in a demon bar. How much blending did you think we were gonna do?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Passion (#2.17)" (1998)
Spike: Are you insane? We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in her friends' beds.
Drusilla: But, Spike, the bad teacher was going to restore Angel's soul.
Spike: What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer.
Angelus: Don't worry, roller boy. I've got everything under control.
[a Molotov cocktail smashes on the table, setting the place afire]

Drusilla: Why, Angel! Where have you been? The sun is almost up and it can be so hurtful. We were worried.
Spike: No, we weren't.
Drusilla: You must forgive Spike. He's just a bit testy tonight. Doesn't get out much anymore.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Never Leave Me (#7.9)" (2002)
Buffy Summers: How did you do it? How'd you get your soul back?
Spike: Saw a man about a girl. I went to seek a legend out. Traveled to the other side of the world, made a deal with a demon.
Buffy Summers: Just like that?
Spike: No, not just like that. There was a price. There were trials, torture, pain and suffering... of sorts.
Buffy Summers: Of sorts?
Spike: Well, it's all relative, innit?
Buffy Summers: Meaning?
Spike: Meaning I have come to redefine the words pain and suffering since I fell in love with you.
Buffy Summers: How can you say that?
Spike: Apparently, I just slaughtered half of Sunnydale, pet. I'm not really worried about being polite any more.

Buffy Summers: It's not your fault. You're not the one doing this.
Spike: I already did it. It's already done. You wanna know what I've done to girls Dawn's age? This is me Buffy. You've got to kill me before I get out.
Buffy Summers: We can keep you locked up. Keep you here and we'll figure out...
Spike: Have you ever really asked yourself why you can't do it? Off me? After everything I've done to you, to people around you. It's not love. We both know that.
Buffy Summers: You fought by my side. You've saved lives, you've helped...
Spike: Don't do that. Don't rationalize this into some noble act. 'Cause we both know the truth of it. You like men who hurt you.
Buffy Summers: No.
Spike: You need the pain we cause you. You need the hate. You need it to do your job, to be the Slayer.
Buffy Summers: No. I don't hate like that. Not you, or myself. Not anymore.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Tough Love (#5.19)" (2001)
Dawn: You wanna know what I'm scared of, Spike? Me. Right now, Glory thinks Tara's the Key. But I'm the Key, Spike. I am. And anything that happens to Tara... is 'cause of me. Your bruises, your limp... that's all me, too. I'm like a lightning rod for pain, and hurt... and everyone around me suffers and dies. I must be something so horrible to cause so much pain and evil.
Spike: Rot.
Dawn: What do you know?
Spike: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.
Dawn: Maybe I'm not evil. But I don't think I can be good.
Spike: Well, I'm not good, and I'm okay.

Buffy: She was looking to go all payback-y on Glory for a minute, but I cooled her down a little. Actually a lot.
Spike: So, she's not gonna do anything rash then.
Buffy: No. I explained there was no point.
Spike: Mm-hmm.
Buffy: What?
Spike: You... so you're saying that a powerful and mightily pissed off witch was planning on going and spilling herself a few pints of god blood until you, what..."explained"?
Buffy: You think she...? No. I told Willow it would be like suicide.
Spike: I'd do it. Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lie to Me (#2.7)" (1997)
Drusilla: You sing the sweetest little song. Won't you sing for me, hmm? Don't you love me anymore?
[the image pulls back to Drusilla talking to a little canary lying dead in a birdcage]
Spike: Darling, I heard a funny thing just now. Lucius tells me that you went out on the hunt the other night.
Drusilla: My tummy was growly, and you were out.
[to the bird]
Drusilla: Come on.
[whistles]
Drusilla: I'll pout if you don't sing.
Spike: You, um, meet anyone? Anyone interesting, like Angel?
Drusilla: Angel.
Spike: Yeah. So what might you guys have talked about, then? Old times, childhood pranks? It's a little off, you two so friendly, him being the enemy, and all that.
Drusilla: [still to the bird] I'll give you a seed if you sing.
Spike: The bird's dead, Dru. You left it in a cage, and you didn't feed it, and now it's all dead, just like the last one.
[Drusilla cowers and whines]

Ford: I wanna be like you. A vampire.
Spike: I've known you for two minutes and I can't stand you. I don't really feature you living forever.
[to Dru]
Spike: Can I eat him now, love?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Surprise (#2.13)" (1998)
Spike: You might give him a chance to find your lost treasure. He is a wanker, but he's the only one we've got with half a brain. If he fails, you can eat his eyes out of the sockets for all I care.

Angel: Leave her alone!
Spike: Yeah, that'll work. Now say, "Pretty please."


"Angel: Unleashed (#5.3)" (2003)
Spike: Hey, I'm a situation, remember? I'm a bloody phantom. And you and your serious girl spectacles were gonna help me with my bloody little problem.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: I know, and I bloody will.

Spike: I had a wee spat with a werewolf myself once. Fought for over an hour. Brutal, vicious. Almost lost my...
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: Angel killed him with a pen.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bargaining: Part 1 (#6.1)" (2001)
Willow: And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.
Buffybot: Ooh! Who's there?
Xander: You know, if we want her to be exactly...
Spike: [interrupting] She'll never be exactly.
Xander: I know.
Tara: The only really real Buffy is really Buffy.
Giles: And she's gone.
Buffybot: We want her to be exactly she'll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she's gone who?

[Spike takes a lackadaisical approach to saving Giles' life]
Giles: You might have let me in on your plan while he throttled me.
Spike: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: New Moon Rising (#4.19)" (2000)
Giles: How did you get in?
Spike: The door was unlocked. You might want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
Buffy: Or, someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.

Spike: This all goes down, the chip comes out, yeah? No tricks?
Adam: Scout's honor.
Spike: You were a Boy Scout?
Adam: Parts of me.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: First Date (#7.14)" (2003)
Spike: Heard you got a date.
Buffy: Well, it's unclear. I mean, I have this whole theory about a promotion. Or he's evil.
Spike: Buffy, I'm all right.
Buffy: You don't have to...
Spike: What? Be noble? I'm not. Really, I'm all right. Think I still dream of a crypt for two with a white picket fence? My eyes are clear.
Buffy: Good. I'm glad. Thank you.
Spike: Never much cared for picket fences, anyway. Bloody dangerous.

Spike: Heard you got a date.
Buffy Summers: Well, it's unclear. I mean, I have this whole theory about a promotion. Or he's evil.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Real Me (#5.2)" (2000)
Harmony: I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books 'n stuff.
Spike: What, "Evil for Dummies?"

Harmony: We're gonna kill the Slayer.
Spike: Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least get your own tune.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Hell's Bells (#6.16)" (2002)
Spike: You meet my friend?
Buffy: No. Not yet. But, she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous.
Spike: Is it working?
Buffy: A little. It doesn't change anything, but i-if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts.
Spike: I'm sorry. Or, good!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: This Year's Girl (#4.15)" (2000)
[in a dark alley]
Xander: Spike.
Giles: What are you doing here?
Spike: Me? Hey, I'm not the one out of place here.
Xander: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue Slayer on our hands. Real psycho-killer, too.
Spike: [faux concerned] Sounds serious.
Giles: It is. What do you know?
Spike: [faux helpfully] What do you need?
Xander: Her. Dark hair, yea tall. Name of Faith. Criminally insane.
Giles: Have you seen her?
Spike: [faux frown] Is this bird after you?
Xander: In a bad way. Yeah.
Spike: Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you.
[Grins. Giles and Xander stare at him, speechless. Spike rolls his eyes and sighs]
Spike: Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening'd be dull.
[starts to leave, deliberately bumping into Xander's shoulder]
Xander: Go ahead! You wouldn't even recognize her!
Spike: [faces them, walking backwards] Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith. Criminally insane. I like this girl already.
Xander: [to Giles] We're dumb.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Normal Again (#6.17)" (2002)
Spike: Oh, balls! You didn't say it was a Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik.
Xander Harris: 'Cause I can't say Glarba...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Who Are You? (#4.16)" (2000)
[Faith is in Buffy's body]
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Buffy: [as Faith] 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well... yeah, that covers a lot of it.
Buffy: 'Cause I could do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer (2002) (VG)
Spike: With all that shapeshifting, sometimes the heart's in a different place. And sometimes you just need a bigger shaft.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Doublemeat Palace (#6.12)" (2002)
Buffy Summers: [serving Spike at her new job] I'm working. Go away.
Spike: Yeah, and you chose to be in the consumer service profession and I'm a consumer.
[suggestively]
Spike: Service me.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Wrecked (#6.10)" (2001)
Buffy: Last night was the most perverse, degrading experience of my life.
Spike: [smiles fondly] Yeah. Me too.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Spiral (#5.20)" (2001)
[referring to Spike's bandages]
Dawn: Keep the pressure on.
Spike: Always do, Sweet Bit.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Seeing Red (#6.19)" (2002)
Spike: Trust is for old marrieds, Buffy. Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Him (#7.6)" (2002)
Spike: I don't need your mollycoddling.
Buffy: It's not coddling. Now go to your closet.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Entropy (#6.18)" (2002)
[Xander and Buffy confront Anya and Spike after catching them having sex on camera]
Xander: Don't even try to deny it. 'Cause we saw it all. The whole beautiful show.
Anya: How? It was just - it - it was just a thing. I-I felt bad and he was just there.
Buffy Summers: [to Spike] Didn't take long, did it?
Xander: Oh, ho. Oh, okay! Ya had to do it, because he was there. Like Mount Everest. Like I used to be.
Anya: And then you weren't! You left *me*, Xander, at the alter. I don't owe you anything!
Xander: So you go out and bang the first body you can find? Dead or alive?
Anya: Where do you get off judging me?
Xander: When this is your solution to our problems. I hurt you, and you get me back. Very mature.
Anya: No, the mature solution is for you to spend your whole life telling stupid, pointless jokes so that no one will notice that you are just a scared, insecure, little boy!
Xander: I'm not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations, it worked. I look at you, and I feel sick, 'cause you had sex with that.
Spike: It's good enough for Buffy.
Xander: Shut up, and leave her out of...
[both Xander and Anya stare at Buffy]
Anya: Buffy?
Buffy Summers: Xander...
Xander: I don't wanna know this. I don't wanna know any of this.
[Xander leaves and Buffy follows after]
Spike: Bloody Xander. Buggered up everything. You know, I wish...
Anya: Don't.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Villains (#6.20)" (2002)
Cave Demon: You seek me, vampire?
Spike: Did you do these finger paintings? I must say, that's pretty impressive work.
Cave Demon: Answer me.
Spike: Yeah... I seek you.
Cave Demon: Something about a woman... the Slayer.
Spike: The bitch think's she's better then me. Ever since I got this bleeding chip in my head, things haven't been right.
Cave Demon: And now... you want to return to your former self?
Spike: Yes.
[the cave demon laughs]
Spike: What?
Cave Demon: Look at what she's reduced you to. You were a legengary dark warrior and you let yourself be castrated.
Spike: It's this bloody chip...
Cave Demon: You were a fear to be reckoned with, and now you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration?
Spike: I am still a warrior.
Cave Demon: You're a pathetic excuse for a demon!
Spike: Oh, yeah? I'll show you pathetic! Put 'em up! Give me your best shot!
Cave Demon: [after a pause] You'd never survive the trials required to grant your request.
Spike: Do your worst! But when this is all over and I've won... I want what I came here for. I will give Buffy what she deserves. When I return to Sunnydale, that bitch is gonna see a change.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Showtime (#7.11)" (2003)
Spike: [chanting] She will come for me. She will come for me.
Buffy: [as The First] No, I won't.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Buffy vs. Dracula (#5.1)" (2000)
Riley Finn: What can you tell me about Dracula?
Spike: Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me £11, for one thing.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Grave (#6.22)" (2002)
[last line in Season 6]
Cave Demon: You have endured the required trials.
Spike: Bloody right I have. So you give me what I want. Make me what I was, so Buffy can get what she deserves.
Cave Demon: Very well. We will return your soul.
[Spike yells in pain as he gets his soul back]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Same Time, Same Place (#7.3)" (2002)
[about Xander]
Spike: I'm insane. What's his excuse?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (#2.16)" (1998)
Angelus: Dear Buffy. Hm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bargaining: Part 2 (#6.2)" (2001)
Spike: Dawn, I get that you're scared, but I'm your sitter, so mind me. I'm not gonna let any of those buggers lay so much as a warty digit on you.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Storyteller (#7.16)" (2003)
[We see, through the lens of the videocam, Spike pulling a cigarette from his mouth and yelling at Andrew]
Spike: I thought I told you to piss off with this bloody camera, yet here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off before I rip your throat out and eat y...
Andrew Wells: Uh, Spike? The light was kind of behind you.
Spike: Oh, right. Uh... What, is this better, then? - I thought I told you to piss off with that bloody camera; here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off -?