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: Prepare to have your spines tingled and your gooses bumped by the terrifying... Fantasia. Fantasia? Oz
: Maybe it's 'cause of all the horrific things we've seen, but, hippos wearing tutus just don't unnerve me the way they used to. Xander
: Phantasm. It was supposed to be Phantasm. Stupid video store.
: Where's supportive boyfriend guy? Oz
: Oh, he's picking up your dry-cleaning, but he told me to tell you he's afraid you're gonna get hurt.
[Oz is setting up a sound system and he tilts his head and grimaces
: Sensing a disturbance in the force, Master? Oz
: Ah, left speaker's crackin' a little bit.
[pulls out a knife
: And you feel stabbing it's the proper solution?
: Something's happening. Willow
: Something good?
[he turns his face into the light. Hair is sprouted all over his brow and face, his teeth have taken on a jagged quality
: Oh, no. Not good.
: Hail, ye olde... varletty... thou. Willow
: I'm Joan of Arc. I figured we had a lot in common, seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake. And plus she had that close relationship with God. Xander
: [to Oz
] And you are...?
[Oz reveals a name tag saying "GOD"
: Of course. Xander
: Wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could've been God. Oz
: Sad Buffy. Willow
: She didn't even touch her pumpkin. It's a freak with no face. Oz
: She's still suffering a little post-Parker depression. Xander
: Bailing on the Buff. Does anyone else wanna smack that guy?
[raises his hand. Willow and Oz do the same
: [while in the Haunted House
] Uh, ah! Cobweb! Okay that part was realistic. Oz
: Frat boys aren't too obsessive with their cleaning. Might not be decoration per se.
: Cowering in a closet is starting to seem like a reasonable plan.
: I wasn't scared, I was in the spirit. Oz
: And we back you up on that. Even if they question us separately.
: It's not everyday that you find out that you're a werewolf. That's fairly freak-some. It may take a couple of days of getting used to. Willow
: Yeah. It's a complication. Oz
: So maybe it'd be best if I just sorta... Willow
: What? Oz
: Well you know like... stayed out of your way for a while. Willow
: I don't know. I'm kind of OK with you being in my life. Oz
: You mean... You'd still... Willow
: Well, I like you. You're nice and you're funny. And you don't smoke. Yeah, OK, werewolf. That's not all the time. I mean three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around either Oz
: You are quite a human. Willow
: So I'd still if you'd still. Oz
: I'd still. I'd very still. Willow
: OK, no biting though.
: I would love to get me some of that Buffy and Willow action, if you know what I mean. Oz
: That's great, Larry, you've really mastered the single entendre.
: [on the phone
] Aunt Maureen? Hey, it's me. Um, what? Oh. It's, uh... actually it's healing okay. That's pretty much the reason I called. Um, I wanted to ask you something. Is Jordy a werewolf? Uh-huh. And how long has that been going on? Uh-huh. What? No, no reason. Um... Thanks. Yeah, love to Uncle Ken.
: Several animal carcasses were found mutilated. Willow
: You mean like bunnies and stuff? No, don't tell me. Oz
: Oh, don't worry. I mean, they might not look it, but bunnies can really take care of themselves.
: This cheerleading trophy. It's like its eyes follow you wherever you go. I like it.
: I'm sorry how all this ended up, with me shooting you and all. Oz
: I'm sorry I almost ate you. Willow
: That's OK.
: You mean, you'd still... Willow Rosenberg
: Well, I like you. You're nice and you're funny. And you don't smoke. Yeah, ok, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around either. Oz
: You are quite the human.
: You know, Oz, I look at all this beauty, all these healthy young women and I wonder why I ever wasted my time on Cordelia. I mean, look at her. She's no better lookin' than the rest of 'em. Oz
: None of them are really my... Xander
: Oh, my God! He's lookin' at her. He's got his filthy adult Pierce Brosnany eyes all over my Cordy. Oz
: You're a very complex man, aren't you?
[Buffy can hear everyone's thoughts
] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist.
: Hmm. Xander
] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me. Buffy
: God, Xander. Is that all you think about? Xander
: Actually... bye.
[Runs out of the room
: The school paper is edging on depressing, lately. Have you guys noticed that? Oz
: I don't know. I always go strait to the obits.
: For a minute there, I thought you were gonna make an expression. Oz
: Well, I felt one comin' on. I won't lie.
[reading Freddy's review
: "'Dingoes Ate My Baby' played their instruments as if they had plump Polish sausages taped to their fingers." Freddy
: Sorry, man. Oz
: No, that's fair.
: The school paper is edging on depressing lately. Have you guys noticed that? Oz
: I don't know, I always go straight to the obits.
: Oz. Oz
: Angel. Angel
: Nice surprise. Oz
: Thanks. Angel
: Staying long? Oz
: Few days.
] Allen Francis Doyle
: [to Cordelia
] They always like this? Oz
: No, we're usually laconic.
: This is so cool! I mean, here you are in LA, and you're the total embodiment of all things Sunnydale. Oz
: It's a burden, but I manage. Cordelia
: We have some serious catching up to do! How is everything? How's - how's the bronze? Oz
: The same. Cordelia
: And the gang? Oz
: They're good. Cordelia
: Good? - Good! - Good.
[They look at each other for a moment
: Are we done? Cordelia
Allen Francis Doyle
: [about Angel
] He's the detective. Oz
: Does he have a hat and gun? Cordelia
: Just fangs. Oz
: Well, that works.
: [after rescuing Angel from Spike and Marcus
] We need to get him to a hospital. Oz
: I hear you. But which one? They all tend to specialize in humans.
: [to Oz, after saving the ring
] Thanks for the help, man. You were key. Oz
: You're - - incredibly pale. Cordelia
: Look, you should lie down. We should take you home. Allen Francis Doyle
: Just give him a minute
[Angel stares at the sunlight beach in wonder
: [to Doyle and Cordy
] He's very pale. Paler than most people.
: And the worst part: I wake up and there's Kathy staring at me like I'm some kind of freak. Oz
: Well, actually, the worst part, I'd have to go with the demon pouring the blood down your throat. Willow
: Me too. I would vote for that, too.
: Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class. Oz
: Which could also be construed as the brain thing.
: So then Kathy's like, "It's share time." And I'm like, "Oh, yeah? Share this."
[she punches the air a few times
: So either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her. Buffy
: Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserved it, don't you think? Oz
: Nobody deserves mime, Buffy.
[about her roommate
: Ugh! She's even affecting my work, now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer.
[kicks and breaks the bench
: She's... other really bad things. Oz
: On the plus side, you killed the bench which was lookin' shifty.
: After all that we've been through together, and you guys won't believe me when I tell you that Kathy is bad. Xander
: We want to, Buff. It's just... Oz
: Shh. Don't engage.
[the Sunnydale adults are acting crazy
: They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?
[about the SATs
: I took it last year. I could help you get ready. There's this whole trick to antonyms, but, uh, well, this isn't the place.
: You will sell it to raise money for the marching band. They need new uniforms. Xander Harris
: Yeah, those tall, fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh? Oz
: But they go with everything.
: It'll be okay when we get to Giles. Oz
: Of course. I mean, even if he's sixteen, he's still Giles, right? He's probably a pretty together guy. Willow
: Yeah, well... Oz
: What? Buffy
: Giles at sixteen. Less 'together guy,' more 'bad magic, hates the world, ticking time bomb guy.'
: Maybe we shouldn't be too couply around Buffy. She's still keeping to herself and brooding, refusing to talk to us. Cordelia
: Oh, you mean 'cause of how Angel, the only guy that ever liked her, turned into a vicious killer and she had to put him down like a dog? Xander
: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell or what? Oz
: Alright, prepare to uncouple... Uncouple.
[both couples separate
: When did you become Martha Stewart? Buffy
: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto. Xander
: I don't believe she slays, either. Oz
: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.
: [to Faith
] I'm wondering about your position on werewolves. Willow
] Oz is a werewolf. Buffy
: It's a long story. Oz
: I got bit. Buffy
: Apparently not that long. Faith
: Hey, as long as you don't go scratching at me or humpin' my leg, we're five by five. Oz
: Fair enough.
: [seeing Faith fight a vampire
] I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say there's a new slayer in town.
: Yep, vampires are real. A lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow 'll fill you in. Willow
: I know it's hard to accept at first. Oz
: Actually, it explains a lot.
: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting. Willow
: Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say yes. Oz
: Yeah, it helps. It-it creates a comfort zone. Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night? Willow
: Oh, I can't! Oz
: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
: Oh, it's just it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party. Oz
: It's okay. Willow
: But you could come, if you wanted. Oz
: Well, I don't wanna crash. Willow
: No, it's fine. Well, you could be m-my date. Oz
: Alright, I'm in. Willow
: [to herself
] I said 'date.'
: Vampires are real: lot of'em live in Sunnydale. Willow'll fill you in. Willow Rosenberg
: I know it's hard to accept at first... Oz
: No, actually, it explains a lot...
: [about the reanimated cat
] It looks dead, it smells dead, yet it's moving around. That's interesting.
: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny? Cordelia
: What's the difference? Oz
: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny. Xander
: Well, I hate brie. Cordelia
: I know. It smells like Giles' cat. Giles
: It's not my...
[about the undead cat
: Well I like it. I think you should call it 'Patches'.
: Enough, Buffy! You need to stay here at listen to all of us! Buffy Summers
: God, Xander... can you be any more annoying? You can at least stick to annoying me on your own behalf! Xander
: Fine! You stop acting like an idiot, and I'll stop annoying you! Buffy Summers
: You want to talk about acting like an idiot... night hawk? Oz
: All right, that's it! Enough arguing, both of you! I'm stepping in between both of you as referee guy. Willow Rosenberg
: No, let them go, Oz. Talking about it isn't helping. We might as well try some violence.
[suddenly the zombies break into the house from all directions and start attacking the party guests
] Willow Rosenberg
: I was being sarcastic!
: We survived. Buffy
: It was a hell of a battle. Oz
: Not the battle. High School.
: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan. Oz
: We attack the Mayor with humus. Cordelia
: I stand corrected. Oz
: Just keeping things in perspective. Cordelia
: Thank you.
: You're awake. Angel
: You-you've been watching over me?
[grabs Willow's hand and kisses it
: Well, we've been takin' turns. Angel
: I thought-I thought I'd never see you again. I-I can't leave you. I-I-I was wrong. I need you. Willow
: Oh, you mean you need Buffy. Angel
] Willow? Willow
: Yes, right, Willow. Angel
: Where is she? Willow
: She'll be back soon.
[Angel falls back asleep and Willow leaves
: Any change? Willow
: He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy. Oz
: You too, huh?
: [about the mayor
] Well, he's not crazy about germs. Cordelia
: Of course, that's it. We'll attack him with germs. Buffy
: Great. We'll get him cornered and then you can sneeze on him. Cordelia
: No! No, we'll get a container of Ebola virus and, and, um- Or, it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says Ebola on it and, um, chase him.
: With the box. Xander
: I'm starting to lean towards the humus offensive. Oz
: He'll never see it comin'.
: I'm still spinning on this whole "fairy tales are real" thing. Oz
: So what do we do? Xander
: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans.
: Take heart, we found your books. Xander
: You can put the heart back. We can't get 'em. They're locked up in City Hall.
: There is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents. Buffy
: And in some language that's English? Oz
: Fairy tales are real. Buffy
: Hans and Gre- Hansel and Gretel? Xander
: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Bread crumbs, ovens, gingerbread house? Giles
: Of course. It makes sense now. Buffy
: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place. Giles
: Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and-and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by-not by destroying men but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes. Buffy
: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch. Giles
: And then she and, probably, dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history, happened in Salem, not surprisingly.
: [to Willow
] I haven't seen you all day. Where you been? Xander
: Not with me. No sir. Ask anyone. No.
: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen? Oz
: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team? Xander Harris
: That's right, he was!
] Xander Harris
[on Oz repeating a grade
] Willow Rosenberg
: I'm trying to get to cute, really, but I'm still sorta stuck on strange. Oz
: Well, I'd be willing to bargain down to eccentric with an option on cool.
: Oh, I don't know. I think we're kinda gettin' a rhythm down. Xander Harris
: We're losing half the vamps. Oz
: Yeah, but... rhythmically.
: Ooh, yeah, please don't. I don't do thanks. I get all red. Have to bail. It's not pretty.
: Oh, look, monkey. And he has a little hat, and little pants. Willow
: Yeah, I-I see. Oz
: The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that?
: You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen. So I'm wonderin', do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like is the hippo goin', "Hey man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And, you know, the monkey's just, "I mock you with my monkey pants!" And then there's a big coup in the zoo. Willow
: The monkey is French? Oz
: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that? Willow
: Well, I sorta test well. Y'know, which is cool. Except that it leads to jobs. Willow
: Well, don't you have some ambition? Oz
: Oh, yeah. Yeah. E-flat diminished ninth. Willow
: Huh? Oz
: Well, the E-flat, it's-it's doable. But it's that diminished ninth, you know, it's a man's chord. You could lose a finger.
: You're in a band. That's like a business class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar? Oz
: Not the way I play it.
: What is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it, and who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of 'cool'? Oz
: Not sure. Xander
: I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less 'cool'. Why is that? Oz
: Am I? Xander
: Is it about the talking? You know, the-the way you tend to express yourself in short, non-committal phrases? Oz
: Could be.
: What do I have? Oz
: An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.
[Willow has chosen Tara
: It was stupid to think that you'd just be... waiting. Willow
: I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know? Oz
: I know.
: I mean, it turns out, the one thing that brings it out of me is you, which falls under the heading of "ironic" in my book. Willow
: It was my fault. I upset you. Oz
: [dryly sarcastic
] Well, so we're safe then. 'Cause you'll never do that again.
: So, what do you think? Where do you want to go?
: We have a marching jazz band? Oz
: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... scary.
: Clearly, we're looking for a depraved, sadistic animal. Oz
: Present. Hey, I may be a cold-blooded jelly doughnut, but my timing is impeccable.
: [looks out the window and sees that it's dark outside
] Time's up... rules change.
[changes into a werewolf and attacks Pete
: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies. Oz
: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords. Devon MacLeish
: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.
: All right. Nobody cause any trouble or try to leave, and nobody gets hurt. Angel
: Why don't I believe him? Oz
: Well, he lacks credibility.
: Can you get outta here? Angel
: Skylight in the roof. I can make it. Oz
: I think we need some backup. Angel
: I think I'm needed here. Oz
: Ten to one. Could get pointless.
: I can't believe you got into Oxford. Willow
: It's pretty exciting. Oz
: There's some deep academia there. Buffy Summers
: That's where they make Gileses. Willow
: I know. I could learn and-and have scones.
: We Bohemian anti-establishment types have always been persecuted. Oz
: Well, sure. You're all so weird.
: My head... feels big. Is it big? Oz
: No, it's head-sized.
: I think the spell worked. I felt something go through me. Cordelia
: Plus the orb did that cool glow thing. Xander Harris
: Well, maybe it wasn't in time. Maybe she had to kill him before the cure could work. Oz
: Then she'd wanna be alone, I guess. Willow Rosenberg
: Or maybe Angel *was* saved and they wanna be alone together. Rupert Giles
: Perhaps. Cordelia
: Well, she's gotta show up sooner or later. We still have school. Willow Rosenberg
[looks around hopefully
] Willow Rosenberg
: She'll be here in a while.
[the gang parts ways. Camera pans to Buffy looking on sadly, then onto a bus and her leaving town
: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um,
] Xander Harris
: Slayer kryptonite. Oz
: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills. Xander Harris
: You're assuming I meant the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers. Oz
] Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird... Buffy
] Guys? Reality?
: An ice show. A show performed on ice. And how old are we, again? Willow Rosenberg
: I saw "Snoopy on Ice" once when I was little. My dad took me backstage and I got scared and threw up on Woodstock. Buffy
: I know you all think it's just a big, dumb, girly thing, but it's not. Some of the skaters are Olympic medal winners and my dad buys me cotton candy, a different stuffed animal wearing fuzzy skates every year and okay it is a big, dumb, girly thing, but I love it. Oz
: Not so girly. Ice is cool. It's water. But it's not. Willow Rosenberg
: I think it's sweet you and your dad have a tradition, 'specially now that he's not around so much. Ixnay on the caramel corn if you're goin' backstage...
: I can see why you'd be upset. Oh, that was my sarcastic voice. Xander
: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice. Oz
: I've been told that.
: It's Willow, she's nearby. Cordelia
: What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume. Oz
: She's afraid. Cordelia
: Oh my God, is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing. Oz
: I really agree.
[the gang angrily confronts Buffy on Angel's return
: You must've known it was wrong, seeing Angel, or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us. Buffy
: I was going to tell you, I was. It was just that I-I didn't know why he was back. I just wanted to wait. Xander
: For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy? Buffy
: I'm not going to... look... we're not together like that. Oz
: But you were kissing him. Buffy
: [to Xander
] You were spying on me? What gives you the right? Cordelia
: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again? Buffy
: It was an accident. Xander
: What? You just tripped and fell on his lips? Buffy
: It was wrong, okay? I know that and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me, I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for a second that Angel was gonna hurt anyone... Xander
: You would stop him? Like you tried the last time when he took down Miss Calendar?
: What are you guys talking about? Oz
: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again. Buffy
: He's not my boyfriend. Really, truly, he's... I don't know.
: Are we cool? Xander
: Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you. Cordelia
: I don't. Just for the record.
: How can you be so calm? Oz
: Long, arduous hours of practice.
: Do we hug? Oz
: I think we're too manly.
: Do you wanna make out with me? Oz
: What? Willow
: Forget it. I'm sorry. Well, do you? Oz
: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... You know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage. Oh, I'm not gonna kiss you. Willow
: What? But freeze frame. Oz
: Well, to the casual observer, it would appear that you're trying to make your friend Xander jealous or even the score or something. And that's on the empty side. See, in my fantasy when I'm kissing *you*, you're kissing *me*. It's okay. I can wait.
: So, do you guys steal weapons from the Army a lot? Willow
: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
: Oz, don't you love me? Oz
: My whole life, I've never loved anything else.
: Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time. And I don't know where the line is anymore, between me and it. Until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you. Or anybody.
: Hey, you got a table. Willow Rosenberg
: I had to kill a man. Oz
: Well, it's a *really* good table.
: Are you guys playing tonight? Oz
: Yeah, at the shelter club. Cordelia
: Is mister I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show-up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there? Oz
: Yeah, you know, he's just going by 'Devon' now.
: [in Willow's dream
] So whatcha been doin'? Doing spells?
] Xander Harris
: She does spells with Tara. Oz
: Yeah, I heard about that. Willow
: I'm gonna be late. Xander Harris
: Sometimes I think about two women doin' a spell... and then I do a spell by myself.
: Whoa, Glies has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV. He's shallow like us. Oz
: I gotta admit, I'm a little disappointed. Rupert Giles
: I, ah, uh, uh... Willow
: Well, maybe it doesn't work. I-it's like art.
: This is so frustrating. Oz
: Nothing useful? Willow
: No, it's great. If we wanna make ferns invisible or communicate with shrimp, I've got the goods right here. Oz
: Our lives are different than other people's.
[Xander has reenacted Buffy's slaying with fish sticks
: That's exactly how it happened. Oz
: Well, I thought it was riveting. Uh, I was a little unclear about some of the themes. Buffy
: The theme is Angel's too much of a coward to take me on face-to-face. Xander
: And the other theme was 'Buy American', but it, uh, got kind of buried.
: What does a girl have to do to impress you? Oz
: Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can't discuss it here.
: Once again, the Hellmouth puts the "special" in "special occasion".
: Harvard... Yale... Wesleyan... Some German Polytechnical Institute whose name I, uh... I can't pronounce. Is anyone else intimidated? 'Cause I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon. Oz
: They're typing those now.
: Hi, Oz! Oz
: Hi. Buffy
: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here. Oz
: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.
: As Willow goes, so goes my nation.