Buffy Summers
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Quotes for
Buffy Summers (Character)
from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997)

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
Kimberly: Buffy? What's your sitch? You're acting like the thing from another tax bracket. It's too weird.
Buffy: Listen, a lot's been going on you guys, okay? And I really wanted to talk to you guys about it. See, um, a couple of weeks ago, I met this guy-...
Kimberly: Oh my god, you're having an affair?
Nicole: Cool!
Jennifer: Does Jeffrey know?
Buffy: It's not about that. He's, like, old. He's fifty.
Kimberly, Nicole, Jennifer: Ewwwww!
Jennifer: Gross!
Buffy: Haven't you guys noticed what's been going on here? The strange things? Have you noticed people disappearing, turning up dead?
Nicole: What are you talking about?
Kimberly: Weird? You mean like hanging around with that homeless Poke?
Buffy: Pike.
Nicole: [gasp] Eww, you're having an affair with him?
Jennifer: He doesn't look fifty.
Buffy: Guys, I think reality stepped out of here about five minutes ago.

Merrick: None of the other girls ever gave me this much trouble.
Buffy: And where are they now? Hello!

Nicole: You got a C-plus? I can't believe I cheated off of you.
Buffy: Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador, like I'm ever going to Spain anyway.

Pike: Buffy, you're the guy. You are the chosen guy.
Buffy: Right. I'm the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping.

[after punching Merrick]
Buffy: Oh, wow. I-I never hit anybody before.
Merrick: Really? Well you did it perfectly.
Buffy: I didn't even break a nail.

Nicole: Buff, I don't see why we have to invite every single senior.
Buffy: Because it's the senior dance. It's just a shot in the dark.

Buffy: Does the word "duh" mean anything to you?

Buffy: All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. Now it may not sound too great to a sconehead like you, but I think it's swell. And you come along and tell me I'm a member of the hairy mole club so you can *throw* things at me?

Lothos: You and I are one.
Buffy: One what? Cute couple? I don't THINK so.

Buffy: Are you okay?
Pike: I can't move my legs.
Buffy: Why?
Pike: 'Cause you're sittin' on them.

Buffy: Great. My secret weapon is PMS. That's just terrific. Thanks for telling me.

Buffy: You left me a message?
Jeffrey: You weren't home! Like always.
Buffy: You broke up with my machine?

Buffy: I have something that the other girls didn't have.
Merrick: And what might that be, pray?
Buffy: My keen fashion sense!
Merrick: Oh, vampires of the world beware.

[Amilyn has lost an arm]
Amilyn: We're immortal, Buffy. We can do anything.
Buffy: Oh yeah? Clap.

Lothos: [Buffy holds up a cross] This is your defense? Puh-lease. Your puny faith?
Buffy: No.
[the cross ignites in flames and she tosses the cap off a hairspray can]
Buffy: My keen fashion sense.
[she sprays the flames, shooting them at his face]

Buffy: Does Elvis talk to you? Does he tell you to do things? Do you see spots?

Buffy: Pike isn't a name, it's a fish.

Buffy: [Merrick has taken Buffy to the graveyard] D'you have any gum?

Buffy: Is that your van?
Pike: Yeah, it was. It's still...
Shambling Vampire: BluaaaahUGH!

Buffy's Mom: Bye-Bye Bobby!
Jeffrey: Bye! She thinks my name is Bobby?
Buffy: It's possible she thinks *my* name's Bobby.

Buffy's Mom: [Buffy walks in late] Do you know what time it is?
Buffy: Uh... around ten?
Buffy's Mom: [looks at her watch] I *knew* this thing was slow. You pay a fortune for something...
[shouts to Buffy's father]
Buffy's Mom: Honey, come on, we're gonna be late!

Buffy: You threw a knife at my head!
Merrick: Yes, I had to show you.
Buffy: But... you *threw* a *knife* at my *head.*
Merrick: And you caught it. Only the chosen one could have caught it.

Buffy: I thought that look was over.
Kimberly: Well, it's Retro.

Buffy: Merrick, you made a Joke. Are you okay? Do You want to lie down? I know it hurts the first time

Buffy: Three weeks ago, all I thought about was... well I didn't actually think about anything.

Buffy: Excuse much! Rude or anything?

Buffy's Dad: Ok Honey, be good.
[Kisses Buffy]
Buffy's Dad: And stay away from the Jag!
Buffy: Good bye.

Buffy: It's a stupid dance with stupid people I see every stupid day!

Merrick: [Trying to explain that Buffy's a vampire slayer] I've searched the entire world for you, Buffy. To bring you... your birthright.
Buffy: My birthright?
[Slightly excited]
Buffy: You mean, like a trust fund?

Buffy: I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm in a graveyard with a strange man hunting for vampires on a *school night*.

Buffy: Well, you know, I'm not gonna kick so easy. I've got a few things the other girls didn't have.
Merrick: As for example, what?
Buffy: My keen fashion sense.

Merrick: None of the other girls ever gave me this much trouble.
Buffy: And where are they now?

Buffy: [Trying to come up with an issues-related theme for their school dance] The environment.
Nicole: The homelesses?
Kimberly: [to Nicole] Oh, please.
Jennifer: Are there any good sicknesses that aren't too depressing?
Buffy: Guys. The environment. I'm telling you, it's totally key. The earth is in terrible shape, we could all die, and besides, Sting's doing it.

Biker: Hey babe. You want to get some real power between your legs?
Buffy: Yeah, I do.
[steals his motorcycle]
Biker: Dyke! You're a dyke! I'm telling the world!

Merrick: You do everything wrong.
Buffy: Sorry.
Merrick: No. Do it wrong. Don't play our game.

Buffy: What language are you speaking?
Kimberly: Get out of my facial!

Buffy: Don't worry. They can't come in unless they're invited.
Kimberly: I already invited 'em.
[Buffy looks at her]
Kimberly: They're seniors!

Merrick: And you're going to be able to use that to track them.
Buffy: Great. My secret weapon is PMS. That's just terrific. Thanks for telling me.
Merrick: It's not a weapon. It's an alert system.
Buffy: Well, aren't we kung fu? I don't see you out there killing any vampires.
Merrick: I play my part.
Buffy: You can play with your part all you want, but it's my neck on the block.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Welcome to the Hellmouth (#1.1)" (1997)
Buffy Summers: What do you want?
Angel: The same thing you do.
Buffy Summers: Okay. What do I want?
Angel: To kill 'em. To kill 'em all.
Buffy Summers: Sorry, that's incorrect. But, you do get this lovely watch and a year's supply of turtle wax. What I want is to be left alone.

Buffy: Mr. Flutie...
Principal Flutie: All the kids here are free to call me Bob.
Buffy: Bob...
Principal Flutie: But they don't.

Buffy: To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you.

Buffy Summers: Now, we can do this the hard way or... well, actually, there's just the hard way.
Darla: That's fine with me.
Buffy Summers: Are you sure? Now this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content.

Alexander "Xander" Harris: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around. Maybe at school... since we... both... go there.
Buffy Summers: Great! It was nice to meet you.
[leaves]
Alexander "Xander" Harris: [Unimpressed with himself] We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.
[Noticing something on the floor]
Alexander "Xander" Harris: Oh, hey! Hey, you forgot your... stake!

Buffy Summers: Uh, Hi! Willow, right?
Willow Rosenberg: Why? I-I mean, hi! Uh, did you want me to move?
Buffy Summers: Why don't we start with, 'Hi, I'm Buffy,' and, uh, then let's segue directly into me asking you for a favor. It doesn't involve moving, but it does involve hanging out with me for a while.
Willow Rosenberg: But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia?
Buffy Summers: I can't do both?
Willow Rosenberg: Not legally.

Buffy Summers: Hey, I know. Why don't *you* kill 'em?
Rupert Giles: I'm a Watcher, I-I haven't the skill.
Buffy Summers: Oh, come on. A stake through the heart, a little sunlight. It's like falling off a log.
Rupert Giles: A-A Slayer slays, a Watcher...
Buffy Summers: Watches?
Rupert Giles: Yes. No! He-he trains her, he-he-he prepares her...
Buffy Summers: Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead! Prepare me.

Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let's just say, I'm a friend.
Buffy: Yeah, well maybe I don't want a friend.
Angel: I didn't say I was yours.

Buffy: It wasn't that bad.
Principal Flutie: You burned down the gym!
Buffy: I did. I really did, but-but you're not seeing the big picture here. I mean that gym was full of vampi- asbestos.

Cordelia: It's in the bad part of town.
Buffy: Where's that?
Cordelia: About a half a block from the good part of town. We don't have a whole lot of town here.

Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me?

Buffy: I didn't say I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it.

Buffy: Having a secret identity in this town is a job of work.

Cordelia: Well, you'll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A., so you can skip the written, but let's see. Vamp nail polish?
Buffy Summers: Um, over?
Cordelia: So over. James Spader?
Buffy Summers: He needs to call me.
Cordelia: Frappaccinos?
Buffy Summers: Trendy, but tasty.
Cordelia: John Tesh?
Buffy Summers: The Devil.
Cordelia: That was pretty much a gimme, but... you passed.

Buffy Summers: [to Giles] It's the weirdest thing. He's got two little-little holes in his neck and all his blood's been drained. Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going, "Ooooh"?

Buffy Summers: [to Thomas] Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like DeBarge.

Buffy: It's my first day. I was afraid that I was gonna be behind on all my classes, that I wouldn't make any friends, that I would have last month's hair. I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus.

Giles: Into each generation, a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a choosen one. One born with the...
Giles, Buffy: -the strength and skill to hunt the vampires...
Buffy: To stop the spread of their evil blah, blah, blah, I've heard it, okay?

Giles: A slayer should be able to see them anyway. Without looking, without thinking. Can you tell me if there's a vampire in this building?
Buffy: Maybe.
Giles: You should know. Even through this mass and this... din, you should be able to sense them. Well, try. Reach out with your mind. You have to hone your senses. Focus till the energy washes over you. Till you-you feel every particle of-of...
Buffy: There's one.
Giles: W-Where?
Buffy: Right there, talking to that girl.
Giles: You don't know...
Buffy: Oh, please! Look at his jacket. He's got the sleeves rolled up. And the shirt - Deal with that outfit for a moment.
Giles: It's dated.
Buffy: It's carbon-dated. Trust me, only someone living underground for ten years would think *that* was still the look.

Giles: Dig a bit in the history of this place and you'll find a-a-a steady stream of fairly odd occurrences. I believe this whole area is the center of mystical energy, that things gravitate towards it that-that you might not find elsewhere.
Buffy: Like vampires.
Giles: Like zombies. Werewolves. Incubi, succubi... everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real.
Buffy: What? You, like, sent away for the Time Life series?
Giles: Uh, w-well, yes.
Buffy: D'ya get the free phone?
Giles: Um, the calendar.

Buffy: So, you like to party with the students? Isn't that kind of skanky?
Giles: [witheringly] Oh, right. This is me having fun. Watching clown hair prance about is hardly my idea of a party. I'd much rather be home with a cup Bovril and a good book.
Buffy: You need a personality, STAT.

Buffy: Well, my philosophy - Do you wanna hear my philosophy?
Willow: Yeah, I do.
Buffy: "Life is short."
Willow: "Life is short."
Buffy: Not original, I'll grant you. But it's true. You know? Why waste time being all shy and worrying about some guy and if he's gonna laugh at you. Seize the moment. 'Cause tommorow you might be dead.
Willow: Oh... that's nice...

Buffy Summers: [Holding an outfit up to the mirror] Hi! I'm an enormous slut!
[switching outfits]
Buffy Summers: Hello. Would you like a copy of the Watchtower?
[putting them both aside]
Buffy Summers: I used to be so good at this...

Giles: Because you are the slayer one girl in all the world with the strength...
Buffy: ...strength and skill to fight the vampires blah blah blah.

Buffy Summers: I never said I'm not going to ever slay another vampire it's not like I have any fluffy bunny feelings for them I'm just not going to get real extracurricular about it

Cordelia Chase: Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker.
Buffy Summers: Dead?
Cordelia Chase: Totally dead. Way dead.
Xander Harris: So not just a little dead then?

Joyce Summers: Are you going out tonight?
Buffy Summers: Yeah, I'm going to a club.
Joyce Summers: Oh. Will there be boys there?
Buffy Summers: No, Mom. It's a nun club.

Buffy Summers: Deal with that outfit for a moment.
Rupert Giles: It's dated?
Buffy Summers: It's carbon-dated.

Buffy: Are you here with someone?
Willow: No, I'm just here. I thought Xander was gonna show up.
Buffy: Oh! Are you guys going out?
Willow: No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up.
Buffy: How come?
Willow: He stole my barbie.
[Buffy looks at her weirdly]
Willow: Oh, we were five.

Buffy: I'll be back in a minute.
Willow: Oh, that-that's okay, you don't have to come back.
Buffy: I'll be back in a minute.

Buffy Summers: Can you vague that up for me?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Pangs (#4.8)" (1999)
Buffy: Will, you know how bad I feel about this. Okay? It's eating me up-
[to Anya]
Buffy: A quarter cup of brandy and let it simmer.
[to Willow]
Buffy: But even though it's hard, we have to end this. Yes, he's been wronged, and I personally would be ready to apologize, but I...
Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me.
Xander: You got a lot of volunteers in here.
Spike: I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.
Willow: Uh, the preferred term is...
Spike: You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not goin' around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
Buffy: Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of - Not that I don't like Spaniards.
Spike: Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?
Willow: We don't wanna fight anyone.
Buffy: I just wanna have Thanksgiving.
Spike: Heh heh. Yeah... Good luck.
Willow: Well, if we could talk to him...
Spike: You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.
Xander: Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but, some of that made sense.

Willow: But you have whipped cream. I saw it Giles's fridge.
Buffy: But that's whipped cream in a canister. Look, it's only right if you whip it yourself.
Willow: Hey, and then later, we can churn our own butter and make sweaters out of sheep.

Buffy: First Thanksgiving on my own, and we all got through it.
Xander: And you know what? I think my syphilis is clearin' right up.
Buffy: And they say romance is dead. Or maybe they just wish it.

[Ghost Indian transforms into a large bear while fighting Buffy]
Spike: A bear! You made a bear!
Buffy: I didn't mean to.
Spike: Undo it! Undo it!

[Spike asks Buffy to invite him into Giles house to get out of the sunlight]
Spike: Come on. I-I'm parboiling out here.
Buffy: [Giles hands Buffy a stake] Want me to make it quicker?
Spike: [pitifully] Invite me in!
Buffy: No.
Giles: Fairly unlikely.
Spike: [Spike tries running in and is knocked back] Oh, damn it! Look, I'm safe. I can't bite anyone. Willow, tell 'em what I did.
Willow: Y-You said you were gonna kill me, then Buffy.
Spike: Yes, bad, but let's skip that part and get to the part where I couldn't bite you.
Willow: It's true. He had trouble performing.

[watching Xander dig]
Anya: Soon he'll be sweating. I'm imagining having sex with him again.
Buffy: Imaginary Xander is quite the machine.

Willow: Buffy, earlier you agreed with me about Thanksgiving. It's a sham. It's all about death
Buffy: It *is* a sham. But it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham.
Willow: You're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.

Willow: The coroner's office said she was missing an ear, so I'm thinking maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some great spells that work much better with an ear in the mix.
Buffy: That's one fun little hobby you've got there, Will.

Buffy: And the thing is, I like my evil like I like my men - evil. You know, "straight up, black hat, tied to the train tracks, soon my electro-ray will destroy Metropolis," bad. Not all mixed up with guilt and the destruction of an indigenous culture.

Buffy: Wasn't exactly a perfect Thanksgiving.
Xander: I don't know, seemed kind of right to me. A bunch of anticipation, a big fight, and now we're all sleepy.

Hus: You can't stop me.
Buffy: You're very wrong about that.
Hus: I am vengeance. I am my people's cry. They call for Hus, for the avenging spirit to carve out justice.
Buffy: They tell you to start an ear collection?

Buffy: We don't say 'Indian.'
Giles: Oh, oh, right! Yes, yes. Um, always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as 'bloody colonials.'

Anya: I love a ritual sacrifice.
Buffy: Not really a one of those.
Anya: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice. With pie.

Anya: [about Xander] Look at him. Have you ever seen anything so masculine?
Buffy: You mean Dean Guerrero or his wife?

Willow: [about the old Sunnydale Mission that was found] Doesn't it make you wonder what else is there, like, right under our feet?
Buffy: Mostly, I've just found sewers full of demons.

Willow: [Thinking of possible murder scenarios] Maybe an ear-harvesting demon that - it's, like, building another demon completely out of ears. Or... Ooh. Thought. We're just assuming someone else cut off the ear. What if it was self-inflicted, like van Gogh?
Buffy: So... She brutally stabs herself, dumped the body, then cut off her own ear?
Willow: No. She cut off her ear, then killed herself, then dumped the body - I'm really off my game, aren't I?

Buffy: I still need to pick up a few things, so I'll check in. And keep your hands off the food.
Giles: Oh, I'll try and restrain myself from eating uncooked potatoes and cranberries.

Buffy: We need to boil those and put them through the ricer.
Giles: I don't think I have a ricer.
Buffy: [Freaking out] You don't have a ricer? What do you mean? How could someone not have a ricer?
Giles: Well, do you have one at home?
Buffy: I don't know. What's a ricer?
Giles: We'll mash them with forks, much like the pilgrims must have.

Willow: [Deciding who should warn the dean] I'll go. I need the air.
Buffy: Not alone.
Anya: I'll go.
Xander: Me, too.
Buffy: Sure you're up to it?
Spike: Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.
Xander: [Getting up] I'm up to it.

Spike: You know what happens to vampires who don't get to feed?
Buffy: I always wondered that. Giles, plates.
Spike: Living skeletons, mate. Like famine pictures from those dusty countries, only not half as funny.
Buffy: You can have gravy. That has blood in it, right?
Spike: Do you know what else has blood in it? Blood.
Buffy: Do I have to gag you?

Spike: [Riddled with arrows] Remember that conquering nation thing? Forget it. Apologize.
Buffy: Shut up, Spike.
Spike: Fine, I'll do it myself.
[Yelling]
Spike: Hey, sorry. Sorry about that, chief.

Xander: [Arriving At Giles'] Happy thanksgiving.
Giles: Xander. You look like death.
Willow: Are you ok?
Buffy: You didn't bring rolls?

Giles: Buffy, Xander's in real danger. Are you sure the solution is pie?
Buffy: Over bickering and confusion, I'll take pie. We will find a solution. And we will have a nice dinner, ok? Both. End of story. I'm having thanksgiving, and it'll be perfect.

Willow: Maybe there's a wiccan spell that can cure it. Something regular medicine doesn't know. Ooh, there was a potion.
[She looks through a book and pulls out a piece of paper and begins reading]
Willow: Sage, salt... Onion?
Buffy: That's the stuffing

Buffy: [about Willow buying frozen peas into of fresh ones] They're gonna be mushy.
Willow: They won't be mushy.
Giles: [Chiming in] I like mushy peas.
Buffy: You're the reason we had to have pilgrims in the first place.

Anya: [At the stove stirring a pot] Uh, how much butter goes in with these?
Buffy: About half a stick and a quarter cup of brandy.
[to Giles]
Buffy: You do have brandy, don't you?
Giles: [Distracted] What? Oh, yes. Um, on the bookcase
Spike: I wouldn't say no to a brandy.
Buffy: [Ignoring Spike, talking to Giles] What's wrong?
Giles: The victims. Apart from Xander, Hus has targeted authority figures. Father Gabriel, the curator of the cultural center. Who else fits this pattern?
Spike: Just a small brandy.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chosen (#7.22)" (2003)
Buffy: I love you.
Spike: No, you don't. But thanks for sayin' it.

Buffy: So, what do you guys wanna do tomorrow?
Willow: Nothing strenuous.
Xander: Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind.
Giles: I think we can do better than that.
Buffy: I was thinking about shopping. As per usual.
Willow: Oh. There's an Arden B. in the new mall.
Xander: Oh, good. I could use a few items.
Giles: Well, now aren't we gonna discuss this? Save the world or go to the mall?
Buffy: I'm having a wicked shoe craving.
Xander: Aren't you on the patch?
Willow: Those never work.
Buffy: Never.
Giles: And here I am, invisible to the eye, not having any vote.
Xander: See, I need a new look. It's this whole eye patch thing.
Buffy: Oh, you could go with full black secret agent look.
Willow: Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash...
Giles: The Earth is *definitely* doomed.

Angel: I'm gettin' the brush off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn't necessarily bring out the champion in me.
Buffy: You're not getting the brush off. A-Are you just going to come here and go all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?
Angel: Aha! Boyfriend.
Buffy: He's not. But he is in my heart.
Angel: That'll end well.
Buffy: What was the highlight of our relationship? When you broke up with me or when I killed you?

Buffy: I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.
Angel: Any thoughts on who might enjoy - Do I have to go with the cookie analogy?
Buffy: I'm not really thinking that far ahead. That's kind of the point.
Angel: I'll go start working on the second front. Make sure I don't have to use it.
[starts to leave]
Buffy: Angel. I do. Sometimes, think that far ahead.
Angel: Sometimes is something.
Buffy: Be a long time coming. Years, if ever.
Angel: I ain't gettin' any older.

Caleb: [as the First] I will overrun this earth. And when my army outnumbers the humans on this earth... the scales will tip, and I will be made flesh.
Buffy Summers: Talk on. I'm not afraid of you.
Caleb: Then why aren't you asleep in your dead lover's arms? 'Cause he can't help you. Nor Faith. Nor your friends. Certainly not your wanna-slay brigade. None of those girlies will ever know real power unless you're dead. Now, you know the drill.
[the First transforms from Caleb into Buffy]
Buffy Summers: [as the First] Into every generation, a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world. She alone will have the strength and skill to... There's that word again. What you are. How you'll die... alone. Where's your snappy comeback?
Buffy Summers: You're right.
Buffy Summers: [as the First] Hmm. Not your best.

Willow: Did you find out anything about the scythe?
Buffy: It slices, dices, and makes julienne preacher.
Giles: Caleb?
Buffy: I cut him in half.
Willow: All right!
Anya: He had that coming.
Xander: Hey, party in my eye socket, and everyone's invited.
[everyone stares at Xander]
Xander: Sometimes I shouldn't say words.

Faith: It's pretty radical, B.
Giles: It's a lot more than that. Buffy, what you said, it-it-it flies in the face of everything we've ever - every generation has ever done in the fight against evil. I think it's bloody brilliant.
Buffy: You mean that?
Giles: If you want my opinion.

Buffy: I hate this. I hate being here. I hate that you have to be here. I hate that there's evil and that I was chosen to fight it. I wish a whole lot of the time that I hadn't been. I know a lot of you wish I hadn't been, either. This isn't about wishes. This is about choices. I believe we can beat this evil. Not when it comes. Not when its army is ready. Now. Tomorrow morning, I'm opening the seal. I'm going down into the Hellmouth and I am finishing this once and for all. Right now, you're asking yourself what makes this different. What makes us anything more than a bunch of girls being picked off one by one? It's true. None of you have the power that Faith and I do. So here's the part where you make a choice.

[Dawn kicks Buffy in the shin]
Buffy: Ow.
Dawn: Dumbass.
[Buffy looks at Xander]
Xander: Don't look at me. This is a Summers' thing. It's all very violent.
Buffy: [glares at Dawn] If you get killed, I'm telling.

Spike: [walks up to Buffy] Where's the trinket?
Buffy: The who-ket?

Giles: I don't understand. What did this?
[Buffy's final line]
Buffy: Spike.

Spike: I can feel it, Buffy.
Buffy: What?
Spike: My soul. It's really there. Kind of stings.

Angel: I started it, the whole having a soul, before it was all the cool new thing.
Buffy: Oh, my god. Are you twelve?

Buffy: You know me, not much with the damseling.

Angel: I got coverage on the whole thing. It's very gripping. Needs a third act.
Buffy: You have to leave L.A.

Buffy: Okay, how many times do I have to kill you? Ballpark figure.

Buffy: You know, one of these days, I'm just gonna put the two of you in a room and let you wrestle it out.
Spike: [rifling through an empty cigarette pack] No problem at this end.
[throws away the pack]
Buffy: [her eyes widen with excitement] There could be oil of some kind involved.

Buffy: I just realized something, something that really never occurred to me before. We're gonna win.

Buffy: So here's the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power, now? In every generation, one Slayer is born, because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power, should be *our* power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of this scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power. Can stand up, will stand up. Slayers, every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?

[Buffy has just sliced Caleb in two from the crotch up just as Angel revives from being hit on the head by Caleb]
Angel: Okay, now I'm pissed! Where is he?
Buffy: He had to split.

Buffy: [as The First] Oh no... Ow! Mommy, this mortal wound is all... itchy. You pulled a nice trick. You came pretty close to smacking me down. What more do you want?
Buffy: [through gritted teeth] I want you
[sits up]
Buffy: to get out of my face.
[stands]

Buffy Summers: Good, good. I haven't had quite enough jealous vampire crap for one night.
Spike: [about Angel] He wears lifts, you know.
Buffy Summers: You know, one of these days I'm just going to put you two in a room and let you wrassle it out.
Spike: No problem on this end.
Buffy Summers: There could be oil of some kind involved.

Buffy Summers: If you get killed, I'm telling.

Spike: So where's tall, dark, and forehead?
Buffy Summers: Let me guess... you can smell him?
Spike: No, i used my enhanced vampire eyeballs to watch you kissing him.
Buffy Summers: It was a... hello
Spike: Most people don't use their tongues to say hello... or I guess the but...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Intervention (#5.18)" (2001)
Willow Rosenberg: This shouldn't be about blame.
Buffy: Blame? There's blame now?
Willow Rosenberg: No, there's only love. And some fear.
Anya: We're just kind of thrown by the you-having-sex-with-Spike.
Buffy: The who-whatting-how-with-huh?
Anya: Okay, that's denial. That usually comes before anger.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike!
Anya: Anger.

Giles: How serious are you about this?
Buffy: 10? Serious to the amount of 10?

[Buffy is pretending to be the Buffybot]
Buffy: Why did you let that Glory hurt you?
Spike: She wanted to know who the key was.
Buffy: Oh, well, I can tell her, and then you won't...
Spike: No! You can't ever. Glory never finds out.
Buffy: Why?
Spike: 'Cause Buffy - the other, not so pleasant Buffy - anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.

[Buffy runs into the gang with the Buffy Bot]
Xander: Hey, I know this. They're both Buffy.
Buffy: No. She's a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made. You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?

[in the midst of conversation with Willow]
Buffy Bot: You're recently gay.

Buffy Bot: And Anya. How is your money?
Anya: Fine. Thank you for asking.

Buffy Bot: Darn your sinister attraction.
Spike: Are you afraid of me?
Buffy Bot: Yes.

Buffy Bot: Oh, Spike, devour me.
Spike: All right.
Buffy Bot: Spike, I can't help myself. I love you.
Spike: You're mine, Buffy.
Buffy Bot: Should I start this program over?
Spike: Shh. No programs, don't use that word. Just be Buffy.

Buffy Bot: Spike! It's Spike. And he's wearing a coat.

Buffy Bot: Time to slay.
Spike: [sleeping] Yeah. Yeah.
Buffy Bot: Vampires of the world beware.

Buffy Bot: [about Spike] He's evil. But, you should see him naked. I mean, *really*.

Buffy: A Guide, but no food or water. So it leads me to the sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?
Giles: Buffy, please... It takes more than a week to bleach bones.

Buffy: I can beat up the demons until the cows come home... and then I can beat up the cows...

Buffy: I-I-I have a few questions, about being the Slayer. What about... love? Not just boyfriend love.
Primitive: You think you're losing your ability to love.
Buffy: I-I didn't say that... yeah.
Primitive: You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.
Buffy: Does it?
Primitive: You are full of love. You love with all your soul. It's brighter than the fire... blinding. That's why you pull away from it.
Buffy: I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?
Primitive: Only if you reject it. Love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain. Love, give, forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift.

Buffy: So, how's it start?
Giles: I, uh, jump out of the circle, then I jump back in it. And then I, um, I shake my gourd.
Buffy: Oh, I know this ritual. The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around.
Giles: Go quest.
[Giles performs the ritual]
Buffy: And that's what it's all about.

Willow Rosenberg: Okay, yeah, you've been with a vampire before, but Angel had a soul.
Buffy Bot: Angel's lame. His hair grows straight up, and he's bloody stupid.

Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike, but I'm starting to think that you might be.

[last lines]
Spike: And my robot?
Buffy: The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene.
Spike: It wasn't supposed to...
Buffy: Don't. That... thing, it... it wasn't even real. What you did, for me and Dawn, that was real. I won't forget it.

Spike: Was that your best, Slayer?
Buffy Bot: No.
Spike: Why not?
Buffy Bot: I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.

Buffy Bot: [of Buffy] Say. Look at you. You look just like me. We're very pretty.

Buffy: What's in the trunk?
Giles: Supplies.
Buffy: Supplies? Was wondering about that. Like food, water, maybe a compass?
Giles: What about a book, a gourd and a bunch of twigs?
Buffy: I don't think I'll be that hungry.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once More, with Feeling (#6.7)" (2001)
Buffy: Well, I'm not exactly quaking in my stylish yet affordable boots, but there's definitely something unnatural going on here. And that doesn't usually lead to hugs and puppies.

Dawn: [excited] Oh my God. You will never believe what happened at school today.
Buffy: Everybody started singing and dancing?
Dawn: [pauses, deflating] I gave birth to a pterodactyl.
Anya: Oh my God, did it sing?

Buffy: So, Dawn's in trouble... must be Tuesday.

[after Buffy is ordered by Giles to deal with a singing demon on her own]
Spike: Forget them slayer, I got your back.
Buffy: Thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Isn't that what you sang?
Xander: Spike sing a "widdle" song?
Anya: Would you say it was a breakaway pop hit, or more of a book number?
Xander: Let it go sweetie.

Buffy, Anya, Willow, Xander, Giles, Tara: [singing] There's nothing we can't face.
Anya: [singing] Except for bunnies.

Spike: You should go back inside. Finish the big group sing. Get your kumbaya-yas out.
Buffy: I don't want to.
Spike: The day you suss out what you do want, there'll probably be a parade. Seventy-six bloody trombones.

Spike: Drink?
Buffy: A world of no. So any idea what's causing this?
Spike: Oh. So that's all. You just come to pump me for information?
Buffy: What else would I wanna pump you for? I really just said that, didn't I?

Buffy: [singing] There was no pain, no fear, no doubt, till they pulled me out of heaven. So that's my refrain. I live in hell 'cause I've been expelled from heaven. I think I was in heaven. So give me something to sing about. Please give me something.

Buffy, Xander, Willow, Anya, Giles, Tara: [singing] We have to try. We'll pay the price, it's do or die.
Buffy: Hey I've died twice.

Buffy: I'm just worried this whole session's gonna turn into some training montage from an eighties movie.
Giles: Well, if we hear any inspirational power chords, we'll just lie down until they go away.

Buffy: [sings] Every single night the same arrangement. I go out and fight the fight. Still, I always feel this strange estrangement. Nothing here is real, nothing here is right. I've been making shows of trading blows, just hoping no one knows that I've been going through the motions, walking through the part. Nothing seems to penetrate
[stakes vampire]
Buffy: my heart.

Buffy: These endless days are finally ending in a blaze.

Buffy: [Slightly awkward] Uh, so, did anybody... uh... last night, you know, did anybody, um... burst into song?
Xander: [Everyone is quiet for a second, before Xander calls out, relieved] Merciful Zeus!
Willow: We thought it was just us!

Xander, Spike, Buffy, Anya, Willow, Tara, Giles: [singing] And we are caught in the fire/The point of no return/So we will walk through the fire/And let it/Burn/Let it burn.

Buffy: You got a name?
Sweet: I've got a hundred.
Buffy: Well, I ought to know what to call you if you're gonna be my brother-in-law.

Dawn: [Signing] Where do we go... from here?
Buffy, Spike: [singing] Where do we go... from here?
Giles: [singing] The battle's done/And we kind of won
Tara, Giles: [singing] So we sound our victory cheer/Where do we go from here?
Xander, Anya: Why is the path unclear/When we know home is near?
Xander, Anya, Buffy, Spike, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles: [singing] Understand we'll go hand in hand
[all join hands]
Xander, Anya, Buffy, Spike, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles: But we'll walk alone in fear.
[all release hands and walk off in different directions]
Giles: [singing] Tell me!
Xander, Anya, Buffy, Spike, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Giles: Where do we go from here?/When does the end appear?
Spike: [In the middle of singing "appear" he suddenly stops and speaks] Bugger this.

Buffy: [to Buffy] What did you sing about?
Buffy: [pauses] I don't remember. But i-it seemed perfectly normal.
Xander: But disturbing. And not the natural order of things, and do you think it'll happen again?
Giles: I don't know. I should look into it.
Willow: With the books.
Tara: Do we have any books on this?
Xander: Well, we just gotta break it down. Look at the factors before it happens again. Because I for one...
Giles: [Giles begins to sing, interrupting Xander] I've got a theory/That it's a demon/A dancing demon! No, something isn't right there.

Buffy: [singing while fighting monsters] Will I stay this way forever? Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?
Handsome Young Man: [singing, after Buffy frees him] How can I repay...
Buffy: Whatever.

Spike: Come to serenade me?
Buffy: So you know what's going on.
Spike: Well, I've seen some damn funny things in the last two days. A 600 pound Chirago demon making like Yma Sumac, that one will stay with you.

Buffy Summers: Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: What's My Line?: Part 2 (#2.10)" (1997)
Buffy: [to Kendra] Back off, Pink Ranger.

Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?
Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?
Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...

Giles: And you are called?
Kendra: I am the Vampire Slayer.
Buffy: We got that part, honey. He means your name.
Kendra: Oh... They call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir.
Buffy: Can you say, "stuck in the eighties"?

Buffy: Could ya stop with the slayer thing? *I'm* the damn slayer.

Kendra: Wiggy?
Buffy: Ya know: No kicko, no fighto.

Giles: Is everything alright?
Buffy: Yeah, it's okay, Kendra killed the bad lamp.

Buffy: You and bug people, Xander. What's up with that?
Xander: No, but this dude was completely different than praying mantis lady. He was a man *of* bugs. Not a man who was a bug.

Kendra: Tank you for the shirt, it was very generous of you.
Buffy: Hey, it looks better on... well, me, but no worries.

Kendra: You talk about slaying like it's a job. It's not. It's who you are.
Buffy: Did you get that from your handbook?
Kendra: From you.

Kendra: I don't hug.
Buffy: Right, no. Good. Hate... hugs.

Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike.
Kendra: Two Slayers.
Buffy: No waiting.

Giles: Good Lord. You *were* dead, Buffy.
Buffy: I was only gone for a minute.
Giles: Clearly it doesn't matter how long you were gone. You were physically dead, thus causing the activation of the-the next slayer.
Kendra: She died?
Buffy: Just a little.

Kendra: We can return to your Watcher for orders.
Buffy: I don't take orders. I do things my way.
Kendra: No wonder you died.
Buffy: Let's go.

Buffy: Ooo, good plan. Let's go. Charge!
Giles: Buffy.
Buffy: It's a little more complicated than that, John Wayne.

Buffy: You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend.

Buffy: Kendra, my emotions give me power. They're total assets.

Buffy: I woulda kicked your butt in the end, and ya know why? No imagination.
Kendra: [getting angry] Really? Ya tink so?
Buffy: [condescending] Oh, I know so. You're good, but power alone isn't enough. A good fighter needs to know how to improvise, to go with the flow. Seriously, don't get me wrong, you really do have potential.
Kendra: [angry now] Potential? I could wipe the floor with you right now.

Kendra: You tink he might help us?
Buffy: I tink we might make him.

Kendra: Dis one is dirty. I can feel it!
Buffy: That's really good for you percepto girl, but we're not gonna get anything out of him if he's oh, say, unconscious.

Kendra: So, you believe dat Spike is attempting to revive dis Drusilla to health?
Giles: Yes, well, I-I-I-I think that's the, uh, the dark power that your, your Watcher re-referred to. You see, uh, you see Drusilla's not only evil, she's, uh, well, she's also quite mad, and-and-and-and if she's restored to her full health, then, uh, well, there's no, absolutely no telling what she might do.
Kendra: Den we will stop Spike.
Buffy: Ooo, good plan, let's go, charge!
Giles: Buffy...
Buffy: It's a little more complicated than that, John Wayne.
Giles: Yes, I'm, I'm afraid it is. You see, Spike has also called out the Order of Taraka to keep Buffy out of the way.
Kendra: De assassins? I read of dem in de writings of Dramius.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Something Blue (#4.9)" (1999)
[Buffy and Spike are engaged after a spell goes wrong]
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married.
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.

Spike: I'm not the one who wanted "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance.
[everyone looks at her]
Buffy: That was the spell.

[after Willow's spell, Buffy thinks she and Spike are engaged]
Buffy: I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer. Some kind of natural immunity.
Xander: Yeah, right, you're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
Buffy: Xander!
Spike: That's it, you're off the usher list.

Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now do you wanna be William the Bloody or just Spike? Cuz either way it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Whereas the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with Buffy?
Giles: Huh. Such a good question.

Buffy: You know what? I don't think you want us to let you go. Maybe we made it a little too comfy in here for ya.
Spike: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinkin' pig's blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rate huge in the Zagat's guide.

Anya: I'd been dumped, I was miserable. Doing a few vengeance spells - boils on the penis, nothing fancy.
Xander: Please skip ahead.
Anya: Well, D'Hoffryn got wind of me, he offered to elevate me.
Buffy: Meaning?
Anya: They made me a demon.

[Riley has just hung a "Lesbian Alliance" banner]
Buffy: Is there something you wanna tell me?
Riley Finn: What.
[Buffy looks pointedly at the banner]
Riley Finn: Oh. Yes. I am a lesbian.
Buffy: Well it's good that you're so open about it.

Riley Finn: I thought maybe we could have a little spread. Sandwiches, maybe some ants. Could be fun.
Buffy: We were talking about having a picnic?
Riley Finn: Oh... so, was that a conversation we actually had, or one I was just practicing?
Buffy: Practicing?
Riley Finn: Okay, yes, I have been known to do a little prep work before our conversations. It's not easy, you know, talking to you sometimes. It's like an oral exam.
Buffy: Boy, that's just what every girl longs to hear.
Riley Finn: Well, you're tricky.

Buffy: It's just... different, you know? A picnic. First of all, daylight. That's kind of a new venue, Buffywise. And the best part - he said that he would bring all the food, so all I have to do is show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at.
Willow: So he's nice?
Buffy: Very, very.
Willow: And there's sparkage?
Buffy: Yeah. He's... have you seen his arms? Those are... good arms to have.

Buffy: I have to get away from that "bad boy" thing. There's no good there.

Buffy: Hello to the pain.
Willow: The pain is not a friend.

Giles: We can't let you go until we're sure that you're-you're impotent or...
Spike: Hey!
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we know that you're-you're...
Buffy: Flaccid?
Spike: You are one step away, missy.
Buffy: Giles, help. He's gonna scold me.

Buffy: Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away.
Giles: Oh, please.
Spike: Giles, make her stop.
Giles: If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.

Spike: I get this spell reversed, they'll be finding your body for weeks.
Buffy: Oh, make a move. Please. I'm dying for a good slay.

Buffy: Giles! I accidentally killed Spike, that's OK, right?

Buffy: There's so much to decide. Ceremony, guests, reception.
Spike: Well, first thing I'd say, we're not having a church wedding.
Buffy: How about a daytime ceremony in the park?
Spike: Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the Big Pile of Dust.
Buffy: Under the trees. Indirect sunlight only.
Spike: A spring breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again, you're registering as Mr and Mrs Big Pile of Dust.
Buffy: Stop it. This is our wedding and you're treating it like a big joke.

Riley Finn: Hey, Buffy. What's up?
Buffy: Riley, look. Aren't they beautiful?
Riley Finn: Yeah, they're nice. A little dressy maybe, for school, but...
Buffy: Riley.
Riley Finn: Buffy?
Buffy: I really like you. I hope you know that you mean a lot to me, and if things were different...
Buffy: Different than what?
Buffy: I want you to promise me that we can always be friends. And I'd really like you to be there on the day.
Riley Finn: The day when...
Buffy: The wedding.
Riley Finn: The wedding. What wedding?
Buffy: My wedding. I'm getting married. Can you believe it?
Riley Finn: I don't think no is a strong enough word.
Buffy: I know. It's crazy.
Buffy: I mean, we fought for all these years and then... Sometimes you just look at someone and you know, you know?
Riley Finn: No.
Buffy: I think maybe we fought because we couldn't admit how we really felt about each other.
Riley Finn: Can we start again?
Buffy: You'll really like him. Well, nobody really likes him.
Riley Finn: I need to clear a few things up.
Buffy: I don't even really like him.
Riley Finn: Buffy.
Buffy: But I love him. I do.

Spike: What are you lookin' at?
Buffy: The man I love.
Xander: Can I be blind, too?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Faith, Hope & Trick (#3.3)" (1998)
Buffy: Angel was cured.
Giles: I'm sorry?
Buffy: When I killed him, Angel was cured. Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and, um... something went through him... and he was Angel again. He... he didn't remember anything that he'd done. He just held me. Um... but it... it was... it was too late, and I-I had to. Acathla was waking up and about to swallow the world into Hell. So, I-I told him that I loved him... and I kissed him... and I killed him. That's why I ran away without telling anyone. I just couldn't deal with it. I don't know if that helps with your spell or not, Giles.
Giles: Uh, yes, I-I believe it will.
Willow: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for giving you a hard time about running away and not wanting to talk about it. I had no idea.
Buffy: It's okay. I've been holding onto that for so long. Just like Faith when she ran away from Boston after seeing her Watcher get killed. Felt good to get it out. Well... I'll see you guys later.
[Buffy walks out]
Willow: Giles... I know you don't like me playing with mystical forces, but if you give me a chance I can really help with this binding spell.
Giles: There is no spell.

Faith: God, I could eat a horse. Isn't it crazy how slaying just always makes you hungry and horny?
[everybody looks at Buffy]
Buffy: Well... Sometimes I-I crave a nonfat yogurt afterwards.
Cordelia: I get it!
[everybody looks at Cordelia]
Cordelia: Not the horny thing, yuck! But the two slayer thing. There was one, and then Buffy died for like two minutes, so then Kendra was called, and then when she died, Faith was called.

Buffy: Oh, no... I have to go take an English make-up exam. They give you credit just for speaking it, right?

Buffy: Maybe I should introduce you again. Faith, this is Giles.
Faith: I've seen him. If I'da known they came that young and cute, I would've requested a transfer.
Buffy: Raise your hand if eww.

Buffy: Mom, the only way you get a new slayer is when the old slayer dies.
Joyce: Then that means you... When did you die? You never told me you died.
Buffy: No it-it was just for a few minutes.

Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.

Buffy: I just wanna get my life back, you know? Do normal stuff.
Willow: Like date?
Buffy: Well...
Xander: Aw, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.
[Xander starts chuckling and Buffy punches him on the arm]
Xander: [still kind of chuckling] Ow.
Buffy: Alright... yes, date, and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff.

Buffy: So, let me get this strait. I'm really back in school because the School Board overruled you. Wow! That's like having your whole ability to do this job called into question, when you think about it.
Joyce: I think what my daughter's trying to say is, "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah."

Oz: [to Faith] I'm wondering about your position on werewolves.
Willow: [proudly] Oz is a werewolf.
Buffy: It's a long story.
Oz: I got bit.
Buffy: Apparently not that long.
Faith: Hey, as long as you don't go scratching at me or humpin' my leg, we're five by five.
Oz: Fair enough.

Faith: When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away and I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I like that feeling.
Buffy: Well sure, beats that "dead" feeling you get when they win and *you* lose.

Faith: What about you? What was your toughest kill?
Buffy: [thinking of Angel] Um, well, you know, they're all difficult, I guess. Uh, oh, oh, do you guys remember the Three? That's right, you never met the Three. Well, there was three...

Buffy: Oh, the one that nearly bit me mentioned something about 'kissing toast'. He lived for kissing toast.
Giles: [alarmed] You mean, Kakistos?
Buffy: Maybe it was taquitos. Maybe he lived for taquitos. What?
Giles: Kakistos.
Buffy: Is that bad?
Giles: Kakistos is Greek, it means the worst of the worst. It's also the name of a vampire so old that his hands and feet are cloven.

Buffy: Scott!
Scott Hope: How are you?
Buffy: Uh, okay, you know I gotta...
Scott Hope: I know, be somewhere else, right? Think of this as my last-ditch effort. I realize that one more is gonna qualify as stalking... I've given a lot of thought, some might say too much thought, to-to how I might be a part of your life. It begins with conversation - we all know this - maybe over a cup of coffee. Or maybe at the Buster Keaton festival playing on State Street all this weekend.
Buffy: You know, come to think of it, I-I don't think I've given a fair chance to... Buster Keaton. I-I like what I've seen of him so far; I-I think it might be time to see a little more.
Scott Hope: [smiles] Keaton is key.

Buffy: Hey, uh, I was, um, I was waiting for you to get out of class.
Scott Hope: Oh, uh, why?
Buffy: Um, there was someone, a while ago, and, uh, the ring sort of confused me. But I like what you said about friendship, I liked it a lot. And Buster Keaton, big fun. And I'm capable of big fun, even though there's no earthly way you could possibly know that about me, wow if I knew I was gonna go on this long, I probably would have brought some water. Uh, what I'm trying to say is, um, if you would still like to go to the film festival - and I would understand it if you didn't - I'd pretty much love to go with you.
Scott Hope: Uh, um. I don't know, Buffy. I'm-I'm really gonna have to think about this.
[Turns away, turns back]
Scott Hope: Okay, you know what, I've thought about it and I'm in. When do you want to go?

Buffy: Giles say what he wanted? Do you think he's mad?
Willow: No, I don't think so. I think he just needed to see you. Have you ever noticed, though, when he is mad, but he's too English to say anything, he makes that weird cluck- cluck sound with his tongue?
[Giles suddenly rises up from behind the counter]
Buffy: Hi, Giles!
Willow: Oh, hi! Been there long?

Buffy: Well, I... hadn't definitely one hundred percent said no for all time. It's just, you know, you don't enter into these things lightly, you know. There's-there's repercussions to consider and... why am I seeing a look?
Willow: You really do need to find the fun, B. - uffy.

Buffy: You got a problem?
Faith: I'm five by five, living it up. I'm just worried about your problem.
Buffy: What problem? I may not sleep in the nude or wrestle alligators...
Faith: Maybe it's time you started because something is bothering you. Something in your body needs uncorking. You've been moody and keeping to yourself since I met you. What is it? Is it the Angel thing?
Buffy: What do you know about Angel?
Faith: Just what your friends told me. He was your big love, big loss. A good vampire with a soul, but he turned evil after you two slept together and he then terrorized you and your friends for months as well as killed several people. You were forced to kill him to save the world and then you just ran away, refusing to talk about it. You need to deal with it and move on, but your not. That's just my idea.
Buffy: I got an idea. How about from now on, you do not talk about Angel, you do not say his name, and you do not ask me any more questions about my personal life, which by the way... is my life!
Faith: Whoa! Why are you getting so strung up, B?
Buffy: Why are your lips still moving, F?
Faith: Did I just hear a threat?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Crush (#5.14)" (2001)
Buffy: He's a killer, Dawn. You cannot have a crush on something that is dead, and, and evil, and a vampire.
Dawn: Right, that's why you were never with Angel for three years.
Buffy: Angel's different. He has a soul.
Dawn: Spike has a chip. Same diff.

Spike: I love you.
Buffy: Oh, my god.
Spike: Hey, no, look at me. I... love you. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut... my throat... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you.

Dawn: I like hanging out with him is all. And even if I did have a crush, he wouldn't notice in a million years. Not with you around.
Buffy: What does that mean?
Dawn: Spike's totally into you. Oh, come on. You didn't notice? Buffy, Spike's completely in love with you.
Buffy: Huh?

Buffy: Why doesn't that register with you? Crypt plus vampire equals bad.
Dawn: 'Cause it was Spike.
Buffy: Hanging out with Spike is not cool, Dawn, okay? It is- it is dangerous and... icky.
Dawn: I don't think Spike's icky.
Buffy: Yeah, well, think again sister.
[pause]
Buffy: You have a crush on him!
Dawn: No, I don't. It's just... he's got cool hair and he wears cool leather coats and stuff.

Buffy: Spike's in love with me.
[Xander starts laughing]
Buffy: I'm not joking.
Xander Harris: Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true.

[Spike offers Buffy his flask]
Buffy: Eww.
Spike: It's not blood. It's bourbon.
Buffy: Ewww.

Buffy: These vamps have been here for awhile. They've nested.
Spike: So, you're saying they're a couple of poofters?

[Spike opens the door for Buffy]
Buffy: What are you doing?
Spike: I... Uh, it was... I wasn't thinking.
Buffy: What is this?
Spike: Oh, don't get your knickers twisted, I was...
Buffy: What is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask. Is this a date?
Spike: A d- please. A date. You are completely off your bird. I mean- Do you want it to be?
Buffy: Uhh. Oh, my God.

Spike: You can't deny it. There's something between us.
Buffy: Loathing. Disgust.

Spike: Something's happening to me. I can't stop thinking about you. And if that means turning my back on the whole evil thing...
Buffy: You don't know what you mean. You don't know what feelings are.
Spike: I damn well do. I lie awake every night.
Buffy: You sleep during the day.
Spike: Yeah, but- You are missin' the point. This is real here. I love...
Buffy: Don't! Don't say it. I'm going.

Joyce Summers: Honey, did you somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals?
Buffy: Uh... I do beat him up a lot. For Spike, that's like third base.

Buffy: Besides, you know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this - this whole thing's just been blown way out of proportion and he's already gone back to wanting me dead.
Willow Rosenberg: Here's hopin'.

Spike: You can't tell me that there isn't anything there between you and me. I know you feel something.
Buffy: It's called revulsion. And whatever you think you're feeling it's not love. You can't love without a soul.
Drusilla: Oh, we can, you know. We can love quite well... if not wisely.

Spike: Just give me something, a crumb, the barest smidgen. Tell me maybe, someday, there's a chance.
Buffy: Spike... the only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.
Spike: [shouting] Aaaarrrggghh! Gaaagggghhhhhh! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me?
Buffy: Which question do you want me to answer first?

Buffy: What part of punching you in the face did you not understand?

Spike: I've changed, Buffy.
Buffy: What? That chip in your head? That's not change. Th-That's just holding you back. You're like a serial killer in prison.
Spike: Women marry them all the time.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Never Kill a Boy on the First Date (#1.5)" (1997)
Giles: Buffy, maintaining a normal social life as a Slayer... i-i-is problematic at best.
Buffy: This is the '90s. The 1990s, in point of fact, and I can do both. Clark Kent has a job. I just wanna go on a date.
Giles: Well, I-I suppose it was a fairly slim lead...
Buffy: [pleased] Thank you, thank you, thank you! And look, I won't go far, okay? If the apocalypse comes, beep me.

Owen Thurman: I lost my Emily... Dickinson. It's dumb, but I like her around. Kind of a security blanket.
Buffy: I have something like that. Well, it's an actual blanket. Uh, and I don't really carry it around anym-more... So! Emily Dickens, huh? She's great!
Owen Thurman: Dickinson.
Buffy: She's good also.

Giles: That symbol on the ring... I believe it's the rune for fidelity, but, uh, it doesn't connect with any of the sects that I've studied.
Buffy: What about this on the inside? It's a sun and three stars. Haven't we seen that somewhere?
Giles: Let me see. No, I-I don't think this, um, represents any...
Buffy: Wait, it's right here. Sun and three stars. Yuck, check these guys out. Told you it looked familiar.
Giles: Oh, the Order of Aurelius. Yes, you're right.
Buffy: Ooo, two points for the Slayer, while the Watcher has yet to score!

[to a vampire]
Buffy: We haven't been properly introduced. I'm Buffy, and you're history!

Giles: Buffy, this is no ordinary vampire. But we have to stop him before he reaches the Master.
Buffy: But cute guy! Teenager! Post-pubescent fantasies!

Buffy: And a cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer!

Giles: If your identity as a slayer is revealed, it could put you and all those around you in grave danger.
Buffy: Well, in that case, I won't wear my button that says 'I'm a Slayer - Ask Me How.'

Giles: They came after me, but I was more than a match for them.
Buffy: Meaning?
Giles: I hid.

[after Buffy slays a vampire, Giles picks up a ring off the ground]
Buffy: Oh, that's great! I kill 'em, you fence their stuff.

Buffy: See, this is a school. And we have students and they check out books and then they learn things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.

Giles: All right. I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.

Angel: I was hopin' I'd find you here.
Buffy: You were?
Angel: Some serious stuff happening tonight. You need to be out there.
Buffy: No, not you too.
Angel: What do you know?
Buffy: Prophecy, Anointed One, yada, yada, yada.
Angel: So you know. Fine. I just thought I'd warn you.
Buffy: Warn me? You see that guy over there at the bar? He came here to be with me.
Angel: You're here on a date?
Buffy: Yes. Why is it such a shock to everyone?

Giles: I was ten years old when my father told me I was destined to be a Watcher. He was one, and his, uh, mother before him. And I was to be next.
Buffy: Were you thrilled beyond all measure?
Giles: No, I had very definite plans about my future. I was going to be a fighter pilot. Or, possibly a grocer.

Xander Harris: [loudly in the cafeteria] So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy Summers: Xander!
Xander Harris: Sorry. I mean, how'd the laying go? No, I don't mean that either.

Buffy: Um, that was my hopeful ear. Could you repeat that?

Buffy Summers: Okay, guy's opinion. Which one do you think Owen will like better: The red or the peach?
Xander Harris: Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his friends how easy you are so everyone loses respect for you and talks behind your back? The red's fine.
Buffy Summers: Thanks. I'll go with the peach.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Some Assembly Required (#2.2)" (1997)
Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Giles: Hear, hear.
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

[Buffy is offering Giles advice on asking Jenny Calendar for a date]
Buffy: You just say, "Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing."
Giles: Well, thank you, Cyrano.

[first lines]
Buffy: [sitting on top of the gravestone of Stephan Korshak] C'mon, Stephan, rise and shine. Some of us have a ton of trig homework waiting.
Angel: Hey. Is this a bad time?
Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel.
Angel: I heard you were on the hunt.
Buffy: I'm supposed to be, but... lazybones here doesn't wanna come out and play.
Angel: When you first wake up, it's a little disorienting. He'll show.
Buffy: It's weird to think of you going through that.
Angel: It's weird to go through.

Buffy: Are you jealous?
Angel: [chuckles] Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.
Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him?
Angel: 'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer.
Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.
Angel: I am *not* jealous.
Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?
Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.

Buffy: We found an empty grave.
Giles: Another vampire?
Buffy: No. No, this one was dug up and the body was taken out.
Giles: Grave-robbing? That's new. Interesting.
Buffy: I *know* you meant to say gross and disturbing.
Giles: Yes, yes, yes of course. A terrible thing. Must, must put a stop to it. Dammit.

Willow Rosenberg: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game.
Buffy: You know what this means.
Xander: That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year?
Buffy: She wasn't killed by vampires. Somebody did dig up her corpse.
Cordelia: Ew! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word 'corpse' in it?

Willow Rosenberg: You mean making a zombie?
Giles: Uh, zombies, more likely. For most traditional purposes, a voodoo priest would require more than one.
Buffy: So, we should see if the other girls from the accident are AWOL, too. Maybe we can figure out what this creep has in mind, if we know whether or not he's dealing in volume.
Xander: So, we dig up some graves tonight?
Willow Rosenberg: Oh, boy! A field trip!

Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.

Buffy: Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
Xander: That actually kinda turns me on.
Buffy: I fear you.

Buffy: Add it up, it all spells 'duh'.

Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?
Xander: You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around?

Angel: What I saw didn't add up to three whole girls. I think they kept some parts.
Buffy: Could this get yuckier?
Willow Rosenberg: They probably kept the other parts to eat.
Buffy: Question answered.

Buffy: [giving Giles advice on his pick up lines] You also might want to avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous', you know? Speak English, not whatever they speak in, uh...
Giles: England?
Buffy: Yeah.

Willow Rosenberg: A couple of days, they're useless. They're gonna need something really fresh.
Buffy: How fresh?
Willow Rosenberg: As fresh as possible. Buffy, you don't think that they would...
Buffy: I think anyone who cuts dead girls into little pieces does not get the benefit of any doubt.

[Cut to the cemetery. Angel and Buffy are strolling through]
Buffy: God, the whole thing was so creepy. Well, at the same time, I mean... he did do it all for his brother.
Angel: Sounds like he took it a little over the edge.
Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
Angel: What?
Buffy: Crazy stuff.
Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?
Buffy: Are you fessing up?
Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.
Buffy: I don't love Xander.
Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.
Buffy: I don't look that good in direct light.
Angel: It'll be morning soon.
Buffy: I should probably go. I could walk you home.
[They look at each other for a long moment. Finally Angel begins to walk, and Buffy accompanies him, her hand in his]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Becoming: Part 2 (#2.22)" (1998)
Angelus: You're going to hell!
Buffy: Save me a seat.

Angelus: No weapons... no friends... no hope. Take all that away and what's left?
Buffy: Me.

Buffy: What do you want?
Spike: I told you. I want to stop Angel. I want to save the world.
Buffy: Okay, you do remember that you're a vampire, right?
Spike: We like to talk big, vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." It's just tough guy talk. Struttin' around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United, and you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?

Buffy: I told you. I'm a vampire slayer.
Joyce: Well I just don't accept that.

Spike: What, your Mom doesn't know?
Joyce: Know what?
Buffy: That I'm, uh... in a band. A-A rock band with Spike, here.
Spike: Right, she plays the, duh, triangle.
Buffy: Drums.
Spike: Drums. Yeah, she's a-a hell on the old skins, you know.

Angel: [Angelus has just turned back into Angel] Buffy? What's going on? Where are we? I-I don't remember.
Buffy: Angel?
Angel: You're hurt. Oh, Buffy... God. I... I feel like I haven't seen you in months. Oh, my God, everything's so muddled. I... Oh. Oh, Buffy... What's happening?
Buffy: Shh. Don't worry about it.
[kisses him]
Buffy: I love you.
Angel: I love you.
Buffy: Close your eyes.
[kisses him again then runs him through with the sword]
Angel: Buffy...

Buffy: I lost a friend tonight...
Spike: [speaking at the same time] I wasn't in on that raiding party.
Buffy: ...and I may lose more. The whole Earth may be sucked into hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to *not* care!
Spike: I can't fight them both alone and neither can you.
Buffy: [punches him] I hate you!
Spike: And I'm all you've got.

Cordelia: I ran. I think I made it through three counties before I realized nobody was chasing me. Not too brave.
Buffy: It was the right thing to do.

Buffy: You know I didn't do it. The police will figure it out.
Principal Snyder: In case you haven't noticed, the police of Sunnydale are deeply stupid. It doesn't matter anyway. Whatever they find, you've proved too much of a liability for this school. These are the moments you wanna savor. You wish time would stop so that you can live them over and over again. You're expelled.
Buffy: [draws a sword] You never ever got a single date in high school, did you?
Principal Snyder: Your point being?
[Buffy silently exits, and then Principal Snyder makes a call]
Principal Snyder: [into the phone] It's Snyder. Tell the Mayor I have good news. It's about the girl... Buffy.

Buffy: If you have information worth hearing, then I am grateful for it. If you're gonna crack jokes, then I'm gonna pull out your rib cage and wear it as a hat.
Whistler: Hello to the imagery. Very nice.

Buffy: You don't have anything useful to tell me, do you? What are you, just some immortal demon sent down to even the score between good and evil?
Whistler: Wow. Good guess.
Buffy: Well, why don't you try getting off your immortal ass and fighting evil once in a while? 'Cause I'm sick and tired of doing it myself.
Whistler: In the end, you're always by yourself. You're all you've got. That's the point.
Buffy: Spare me.

Buffy: Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences... how many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven't figured it out?
Joyce Summers: Well, it stops now!
Buffy: No, it doesn't stop! It never stops! Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, God, even studying! But I have to save the world, again.

Buffy: What's the deal, Spike? You've got five minutes. Talk.
Spike: Simple: I help you kill Angel, stop him from awakening Acathla thus destroying the world, you let me and Dru skip town.
Joyce: [to Buffy] Angel your boyfriend?
Buffy: Forget it. You can walk, she doesn't.
Spike: There's no deal without her.
Buffy: She killed Kendra!
Spike: Dru bagged a slayer? S-She didn't tell me. Hey, good for her!
[at Buffy's angry look]
Spike: Though not from your perspective, I suppose.

Buffy Summers: Open your eyes, Mom! What do you think has been going on for the past few years? The fights, the weird occurrences... how many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven't figured it out?
Joyce Summers: Well, it stops now!
Buffy Summers: No, it doesn't stop! It never stops! Do you... do you think I chose to be like this? You have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would love to be upstairs, watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.

Buffy Summers: I've lost friends tonight, and I may lose more. If you have information worth hearing then I am grateful for it. If you want to make jokes then I will pull out your rib cage and wear it as a hat.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Living Conditions (#4.2)" (1999)
[Buffy thinks her new college roommate is a demon]
Willow: Toenails?
Buffy: Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep.
Willow: Good thinking. 'Cause in the middle of the night, those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body.

Kathy: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I left my dimension to go to college and they sent these guys after me.
[cuts to Giles at home]
Giles: But while the Mok'tagar can assume many forms and guises, including human, they can always be recognized by others of their kind due to their lack of a soul.
[cuts back to Kathy and Buffy]
Kathy: So I'm borrowing yours.
Buffy: Without even asking.

Buffy: And the worst part: I wake up and there's Kathy staring at me like I'm some kind of freak.
Oz: Well, actually, the worst part, I'd have to go with the demon pouring the blood down your throat.
Willow: Me too. I would vote for that, too.

Giles: I fear the demon that Buffy met in the woods has somehow possessed her.
Buffy: [screaming] Lite FM! Love songs! Nothing but love songs!
Xander: You think?

[the milk is missing]
Kathy: I just wanted to make sure that we didn't have a thief or something.
Buffy: Like who? Sid the Wily Dairy Gnome?

Buffy: Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class.
Oz: Which could also be construed as the brain thing.

Buffy: So then Kathy's like, "It's share time." And I'm like, "Oh, yeah? Share this."
[she punches the air a few times]
Oz: So either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserved it, don't you think?
Oz: Nobody deserves mime, Buffy.

[about her roommate]
Buffy: Ugh! She's even affecting my work, now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer.
[kicks and breaks the bench]
Buffy: She's... other really bad things.
Oz: On the plus side, you killed the bench which was lookin' shifty.

Buffy: Not only does she take my sweater, but now she has to horn in on my dreams! She is the most ever mooch - Oh! I haven't even gotten to the floss.

Buffy: Kathy's evil. I'm an evil-fighter. It's simple. I'm gonna have to kill her.

[about Kathy]
Buffy: She irons her jeans. She's evil.

Buffy: After all that we've been through together, and you guys won't believe me when I tell you that Kathy is bad.
Xander: We want to, Buff. It's just...
Oz: Shh. Don't engage.

Willow: Happy hunting.
Buffy: Wish me monsters.

Buffy: [after ripping Kathy's human mask off] I knew it!

Buffy: Did you just hear something?
Willow: I'm chewing my gum kind of loud.
Buffy: That's not it.
Willow: My sneakers are squeaky.
Buffy: I'm looking for something lurky here, Wil.
Willow: Oh.
[Long pause]
Willow: Sorry, no.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds (2003) (VG)
Ethan Rayne, The First: From beneath you it devours!
Buffy: Weird!

Xander Harris: Whoa, hang on. You promised not to beat Ethan to a pulp until I got here.
Buffy: And now you're here. Let the beating commence.

[first lines]
Buffy: A surprise party? Whose idea was this? I'll kill ya. Not that I appreciate the thought, but who invited the vampires?
Xander Harris: Don't look at me. I wanted Anya to jump out of the cake. Wait, that was for *my* birthday.
Buffy: And much as we'd like to hear *that* story.

Buffy: If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.
Kakistos: You're not easy to kill, are you, Slayer?
Buffy: I could say the same thing about you.

[everybody arrives in front of a fortress]
Ethan Rayne: It's here. The First. I can taste its power in the air.
Cassandra Rayne: You... I sense something about you, some kinship. Who are you?
Ethan Rayne: Ethan Rayne, madam. Decidedly *not* at your services.
Willow Rosenberg: He's your great, great... something. A descendant.
Cassandra Rayne: I can sense the dark magic in you, the chaos in your soul. I was a soldier of light, and this is what my bloodline has come to? You repulse me.
Ethan Rayne: The feeling is entirely mutual. This isn't fair, you know. Technically I've won. The power I bargained for should be mine. But if you destroy the First...
Cassandra Rayne: Silence dog. I would silence you myself if I were able.
Spike: Here, let me get that for you.
[Spike punches out Ethan]
Cassandra Rayne: My thanks, kind sir.
[Cassandra then glares at the fortress]
Cassandra Rayne: I... I know this place. This is where I... this is where I died. But who are all of you?
Buffy: We're trying to finish what you started, Cassandra. Trying to destroy the First. I'm Buffy Summers. The Slayer.
Cassandra Rayne: A Slayer. This is good fortune. I am but a lost soul, and can no longer wield Hope's Dagger. But you are worthy Slayer. It shall be you.
Willow Rosenberg: That... that's great and all, so, thanks. But where does Buffy find Hope's Dagger?
Cassandra Rayne: Inside the fortress. It will still be there. Only one who is worthy may wield it.
Faith: You don't gotta be virgin or anything, right? Cuz that could be a problem.
Cassandra Rayne: No. Only one can go, and it should be a Champion of the Powers. There are no Champions present, but a Slayer will more than suffice. Buffy must go alone.
Faith: Sucks to be you.
Buffy: At times. Now, for instance.
[Ethan's unconscience body disappears in a flash of light]
Willow Rosenberg: Ethan! What happened to him? He just went poof.
Cassandra Rayne: Perhaps the First has plans for my traitorous descendant after all.
Buffy: Only one way to find out.

Xander Harris: Wait a minute. We're all here for a reason. Well, the rest of us are here because Ethan picked us. And Sid want to get away from the First. But what about Ethan? Maybe this is why he's here.
Ethan Rayne: Don't look at me. You're trying to keep me from getting the power I've worked all these years for, and you want me to help? You're all daft.
Buffy: No. I think Xander's right. She's *your* ancestor, Ethan. You've got to take the eyes.
[Ethan takes the eye and a portal appears in midair]
Faith: Now we're cooking with gas.
[the First appears]
The First: [to Buffy] You are a fool, Slayer. Did you truly think that you could do such a thing, in *this place*, without me knowing your every move?
Sid the Dummy: You know, for a being that likes a good wager, you seem awful eager to disrupt the contest before it's over.
The First: Little matchstick man. Do not try my patience. You are not even a part of this contest. The only reason I do not destroy you is that I am savoring the nurturing of hope in your heart, just as I will enjoy bearing witness to the destruction of that hope. Now, Slayer, it is time for the final contest to begin.
Buffy: [to everyone] Ready?
Xander Harris: Can I go home now?
Buffy: Let's go.

[picking up a wooden stake]
Buffy: Just what I was looking for, a nice long shaft. Wait, that didn't come out right.

Sid the Dummy: Jeez! Took your sweet time. Demons are trying to whittle me down to a toothpick and you five are gallavanting around on your little scavenger hunt.
Buffy: I'm not sure being eaten by zombie penguins counts as gallavanting.
Faith: Actually, I'm having a blast. Beats prison hands down. Girl can't get this exercise in stir.
Spike: Right, look, can we just put the sodding flesh puzzle together and be done with it?
[They put the body parts together, the body assembles and Cassandra comes back to life]
Ethan Rayne: It's true. I can't believe it... my own ancestor, a warrior for the Powers.
Cassandra Rayne: Cold. Why am I so cold?

[after Buffy defeats Ethan Rayne/The First]
Cassandra Rayne: It is over, Slayer. You accomplished what I could not.
Buffy: Is it dead?
Cassandra Rayne: The First cannot die. It is an integral part of the universe. But you have dispersed it's evil across all realities and dimensions. It will be centuries before it can coalesce again.
Buffy: What about Ethan? I... it was the only way. But I just can't let him die.
Cassandra Rayne: Nor can I. Despite my revulsion at his cruel nature, I know that he was but a pawn here. I will share my essence with his, my spirit with his. I have touched the purest light in creation. Perhaps *my* touch will illuminate some shard of decency in him.

Faith: You did it, B. Thanks for the ringside seat.
Xander Harris: So what now? How do we get back?
Willow Rosenberg: It will happen on its own. I can... I can feel this place unraveling.
Buffy: What about you, Sid? What happens now?
Sid the Dummy: Now? Now I get to rest, at last. I've heard it said Heaven's different for everyone. For me it's gonna involve cards, babes and whiskey. Maybe I'll try to look up that doll Cassandra when I get there. Fella like me could show a girl like that a real good time.
[Sid leaves in a flash of light]
Buffy: I bet you could, Sid. I bet you could.

[upon arriving at Sunnydale Zoo, Buffy sees penguins eating a dead zebra]
Buffy: Penguins. It had to be penguins. I hate the zoo.

[Buffy runs into alternate reality Giles at Sunnydale Zoo's aquarium]
Buffy: Giles?
Rupert Giles: Please.
[laughs]
Rupert Giles: Make it Ripper.
Buffy: Crap.
Rupert Giles: Ooh, yes? You're shocked, are you? Look at you. Useless little tart, all the gifts of power the Slayer offers the best you can do is the hurt little puppy dog eyes?
Buffy: No. This isn't you. This is alternate reality Giles.
Rupert Giles: Right, well, your Giles is a prat, always talking like he's got an apple up his arse.
Buffy: All right, Ripper. Bring it on!

[after defeating alternate reality Giles]
Buffy: Good night, Ripper. My Giles might have an apple up his ass, but at least he ain't pushing up daisies.

Buffy: [tries opening a door] My mom always said my natural charisma would open doors... just, not this one

Buffy: A hidden passage? That stuff usually only happens when I've got the talking dog around.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Prophecy Girl (#1.12)" (1997)
The Master: You're dead!
Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.
The Master: You were destined to die! It was written!
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

[after knocking Giles unconscious]
Buffy: When he wakes up, tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it.

Buffy: Oh, look, a bad guy.

Buffy: We saved the world. I say we party.

Buffy: So that's it, huh? I remember the drill: one slayer dies, the next one's called. I wonder who she is. Will you train her? Or will they send someone else?
Giles: Buffy, I...
Buffy: Does it say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt?
[Angel walks towards her]
Buffy: Don't touch me! Were you even gonna tell me?
Giles: I was hoping I wouldn't have to, that there was some way around it. I...
Buffy: I've got a way around it: I quit.
Giles: It's not that simple.
Buffy: I'm making it that simple: I quit! I resign! I-I'm fired! You can find someone else to stop The Master from taking over.
Giles: I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the signs indicate...
Buffy: Signs? Read me the signs! Tell me my fortune! You're so useful, sitting here with all of your books, you're really a lot of help!
Giles: No, I don't suppose I am.
Angel: I know this is hard.
Buffy: What do you know about this? You're never gonna die!
Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way.
Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention!
Giles: Buffy, if The Master rises...
Buffy: I don't care! I don't care. Giles, I'm 16 years old. I don't wanna die.

Buffy: I'm sorry. It's just... been a really weird day.
Xander: Yeah, Buffy died and everything.
Willow Rosenberg: Wow, harsh.
Rupert Giles: Should've known that wouldn't stop you.

Buffy: How're you doin' there, Giles? Get much sleep last night?
Rupert Giles: Um, I-I-I've been working.
Buffy: Me, too. I went hunting last night, and it is awfully sweet of you to ask. It's getting hairy out there Giles. I killed three vampires last night, one of them was practically on school grounds.
Rupert Giles: Their numbers are increasing.
Buffy: And they're getting cockier. Look, I'm not loving it. Last night was a pretty close call.
Rupert Giles: Yes.
Buffy: Giles, care? I'm putting my life on the line battling the undead. Look, I broke a nail, okay? I'm wearing a press-on. The least you could do is exhibit some casual interest. You could go "hmmh".
Rupert Giles: Hmmh?

Buffy: [after he asks her out to the dance] Xander, you're one of my best friends. You and Willow.
Xander: Well Willow's not looking to date you. Or if she is she's playing it pretty close to the chest.

The Master: Did you really think you could best me here when you couldn't below?
Buffy: [looks at him curiously] You have fruit punch mouth.
The Master: What?
[Buffy punches him]
Buffy: And save the hypnosis crap for the tourists.

Buffy: Fine, that's okay, I can't put it off any longer. I have to meet my terrible fate.
Rupert Giles: [spins around] What?
Buffy: Biology.

Rupert Giles: Buffy, I'm not gonna send you out there to die. Now, you were right. I-I've waded around in these old books for so long, I've forgotten what the real world is like. I-it's time I found out.
Buffy: You're still not going up against the Master.
Rupert Giles: I've made up my mind.
Buffy: So have I.
Rupert Giles: I made up my mine first! I'm older and wiser than you, and just... just do what you're told for once! Alright?

[last lines]
Angel: By the way, I really like your dress.
Buffy: Yeah, yeah. Big hit with everyone.

Willow Rosenberg: I thought I could take anything, but, Buffy, this, this was different.
Buffy: It'll be alright.
Willow Rosenberg: I'm trying to think how to say it, to explain it so you understand.
Buffy: It doesn't matter as long as you're okay.
Willow Rosenberg: I'm not okay. I knew those guys. I go to that room every day. And when I walked in there, it-it wasn't our world anymore. They made it theirs. And they had fun. What are we gonna do?
Buffy: What we have to.

The Master: Welcome.
Buffy: Thanks for having me. Y'know, you really oughta talk to your contractor. Looks like you got some water damage.
The Master: Oh, good. The feeble banter portion of the fight.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lie to Me (#2.7)" (1997)
[last lines]
Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah, does it get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles: Yes. It's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies and... everybody lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.

Buffy: This is not the mother ship, people. This is ugly dead come to play.

Buffy: It'd be simpler if I could just hate him. I think he wanted me to. I think it made it easier for him to be the villain of the piece. Really he was just scared.
Giles: Yes, I suppose he was.
Buffy: Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get.
Giles: I believe that's called growing up.
Buffy: I'd like to stop then, okay?

Buffy: Well, I've got a news flash for you, brain trust. That's not how it works. You die, and a demon sets up shop in your old house, and it walks, and it talks, and it remembers your life, but it's not you.
Ford: It's better than nothing.
Buffy: And your life is nothing? Ford, these people don't deserve to die.
Ford: Well, neither do I. But apparently no one took that into consideration, 'cause I'm still dying.

Ford: I'm sorry, Summers. Did I screw up your righteous anger riff? Does the nest of tumors liquefying my brain kinda spoil the fun?
Buffy: I'm sorry. I had no idea. But what you're doing is still very wrong.
Ford: Okay, well, you try vomiting for twenty-four hours straight because the pain in your head is so intense, and then we'll discuss the concept of right and wrong. These people are sheep. They're wanna be vampires 'cause they're lonely, miserable or bored. I don't have a choice.
Buffy: You have a choice. You don't have a good choice, but you have a choice. You're opting for mass murder here, and nothing you say is gonna make that okay.
Ford: You think I need to justify myself to you?
Buffy: I think this is all part of your little fantasy drama. Isn't this exactly how you imagined it? You tell me how you've suffered and I feel sorry for you. Well, I do feel sorry for you, and if those vampires come in here and start feeding, I'll kill you myself.
Ford: You know what, Summers? I really did miss you.

Buffy: What I see is that, right after the sun goes down, Spike and all of his friends are gonna be pigging out at the All-You-Can-Eat Moron Bar.
Jarrad Paul played Diego (formerly Marvin): Okay, that's it. I think we should gag her.
Buffy: I think you should try.
Jarrad Paul played Diego (formerly Marvin): She's an unbeliever. She taints us.
Buffy: I am trying to save you! You are playing in some serious traffic here! Do you understand that? You're going to die!

[Buffy is threatening to kill Drusilla]
Buffy: Now, you let everybody out or your girlfriend fits in an ashtray.

Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was an obsession of mine. She was pure, and sweet, and chaste.
Buffy: And you made her a vampire.
Angel: First I made her insane. I killed everybody she loved, visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her Holy Orders, I turned her into a demon.

Angel: Do you love me?
Buffy: What?
Angel: Do you?
Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you.

Buffy: ...And my God, could you have a dorkier outfit?

Buffy: I'm rash and impulsive. It's a flaw.

Angel: Some lies are necessary...
Buffy: For what?
Angel: Sometimes the truth is worse... You live long enough you find that out...

Ford: [walks up behind Buffy, who has just slain a vamp] What's going on?
Buffy: Um, uh... there was a-a cat. A cat here. And um, uh, then there was a-another cat. And they fought. The cats. And... then they left.
Ford: Oh. I thought you were just slaying a vampire.
Buffy: What? What-ing a what?

Jarrad Paul played Diego (formerly Marvin): Some lies are necessary...
Buffy: For what?
Jarrad Paul played Diego (formerly Marvin): Sometimes the truth is worse... You live long enough you find that out...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Freshman (#4.1)" (1999)
Buffy: When you look back at this in the three seconds it'll take you to turn to dust, I think you'll find the mistake was touching my stuff.

Buffy: I can't wait till Mom gets the bill for these books. I hope it's a funny aneurysm.

Sunday: Guys, this is totally mine.
Rookie: Okay, but you gotta share the eatin', 'cause I'm thinkin' Slayer's blood's gotta be whoa... like Thai Stick.
Buffy: I thought people were supposed to get smarter in college.

Buffy: How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be "nowned" first?
Willow Rosenberg: Yes. First there's the painful "nowning" process.

Conservative Woman: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Buffy: Uh, you know I meant to, and-and then I just got really busy.

Willow Rosenberg: Oh, boyfriend. It's my on-campus boyfriend.
Buffy: Oh no, I forgot to pick mine up. The line's probably really long now, too.

Willow Rosenberg: He said he wasn't coming back until he'd driven to all fifty states.
Buffy: Did you explain about Hawaii?
Willow Rosenberg: Well, he seemed so determined.

Prof. Riegert: Do you understand? You are sucking energy from everyone in this room. They came here to learn. Get out.
Buffy: I didn't mean to... suck.

Eddie: Of Human Bondage. Have you ever read it?
Buffy: Oh, I'm not really into porn. I mean, I'm just- I'm tryin' to cut way back.

Rupert Giles: I'm not supposed to have a private life?
Buffy: No. Because you're very, very old and it's gross.

Xander Harris: You up for a little reconnaissance?
Buffy: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
Xander Harris: No, that was the Renaissance.
Buffy: Oh. I've had a really long week.

Buffy: You got a nice setup here. But you made one mistake.
Sunday: What was that?
Buffy: Well, I'm not actually positive, but statistically speaking people usually make at least -
[Sunday punches her]

Sunday: I'm Sunday. I'll be killing you here in a minute or so.
Buffy: You know, that threat gets more frightening every time I hear it.
Rookie: Uh, are we gonna fight, or is there just gonna be a monster sarcasm rally?

Sunday: What about breaking your arm? How's that feel, huh?
Buffy: Let me answer that question with a head-butt.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Dark Age (#2.8)" (1997)
[last lines]
Giles: Bay City Rollers. Now, that's music.
Buffy: I didn't hear that.

Xander Harris: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there were only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."
Willow: Come on. You don't think he ever got restless as a kid?
Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed.

Giles: I'll bring the weaponry.
Buffy: I'll bring the party mix.

Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
Xander Harris: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath?

Buffy: I still don't get what this has to do with Giles.
Willow: I don't know about Giles, but ancient sects used to induce possession for bacchanals and-and orgies.
Xander Harris: Okay, 'Giles' and 'orgies' in the same sentence. I coulda lived without that one.

Buffy: [to Willow] You knew that if the demon was in trouble it was gonna jump into the nearest dead person.
Angel: I put it in danger.
Willow: And it jumped.
Angel: But I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years just waiting for a good fight.
Buffy: Winner and still champion!

Buffy: I know you, you ran that costume shop.
Ethan Rayne: Oh, I'm pleased you remember.
Buffy: You sold me that dress for Halloween and nearly got us all killed.
Ethan Rayne: But you looked great.

Xander: I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met - by day. By night it was booze, whores and fur flying. Were there whores?
Buffy: He was alone.
Xander: Give it time.

Ethan Rayne: I hope you're not taking this personally, Buffy; I actually kind of like you; it's ju- it's just that I like myself a lot more. If you think of it karmically, this is - this is really big for your soul, you know: taking my place with the demon, giving so that others may live.
Buffy: I'm gonna kill you. Will that blow the whole karma thing?
Ethan Rayne: Sweet child!

Buffy: Giles, what's going on?
Giles: It's complicated, Buffy, and quite frankly, it's private.
Buffy: I don't care from private! I care from dead guys attacking us. I care from you Lost Weekending in your apartment!
Giles: I wasn't. I was just trying to find a solution.

Buffy: Giles, share. What is the Mark of Eyghon?
Giles: This is not your battle. And as your Watcher, I'm telling you unequivocally to stay out of it!

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and see what you can find?
Xander Harris: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath?

Buffy: [after finding Ethan lurking around the school library] What are you doing here?
Ethan Rayne: Snooping around.
Buffy: Honesty. Nice touch.
Ethan Rayne: It's one of my virtues. Not really.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Halloween (#2.6)" (1997)
Buffy Summers: It must have been wonderful. To put on some fantabulous gown and go to a ball like a princess. And have horses and servants and yet more gowns.

Buffy Summers: [as an 18th century girl] A demon! A demon!
Willow Rosenberg: It's not a demon, it's a car.
Buffy Summers: What does it want?

Xander Harris: We must have some kind of amnesia.
Buffy Summers: I don't know what that is, but I'm certain I don't have it. I bathe quite often.

Buffy Summers: Tada. Just little old 20th-century me.
Angel: Sure you're okay?
Buffy Summers: I'll live.
Angel: I don't get it, Buffy. Why'd you think I'd like you better dressed that way?
Buffy Summers: I just wanted to be a real girl for once. The kind of fancy girl you liked when you were my age.
Angel: Oh, ho.
Buffy Summers: What?
Angel: I hated the girls back then, especially the noble women.
Buffy Summers: You did?
Angel: They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons, the lot of them. I always wished I could meet someone... exciting. Interesting.
Buffy Summers: Really? Interesting how?
Angel: You know how.
Buffy Summers: Still, I had a really hard day. You should probably tell me.
Angel: You're right. I should.
Buffy Summers: Definitely.

Buffy Summers: [as her memory returns] Hi, honey, I'm home.
[beats up Spike]
Buffy Summers: You know what? It's good to be me.

Willow Rosenberg: [about trick-or-treat volunteers] Snyder must be in charge of the volunteer safety program for Halloween this year.
Xander Harris: [as Snyder 'pulls' kids to the table] Note his interesting take on the volunteer concept.
Buffy Summers: What's the deal?
[as they reach their lockers]
Xander Harris: Oh, a bunch of little kids need people to take them trick-or- treating. Sign up and get your own pack of sugar-hyped little runts for the night.
Buffy Summers: Yikes! I'll stick to vampires.

Xander Harris: [about their costumes] I can't believe this. We have to get dressed up and the whole deal?
Willow Rosenberg: Snyder said costumes were mandatory.
Buffy Summers: Great. I was gonna stay in and veg. The one night a year things are supposed to be quiet for me.
Xander Harris: Halloween quiet? Oh, I figured it'd be a big old vamp scare- apalooza.

Cordelia: [charging into the bathroom] So, Buffy. You ran off last night and left poor little Angel all by his lonesome. But I did everything I could to comfort him.
Buffy Summers: [beat] I'll bet.
Cordelia: [as she touches up her make-up] So, what's his story anyway? I mean, I never see him around...
Willow Rosenberg: Not during the day, anyway.
Cordelia: [musing as she puts her make-up away] Oh, please. Don't tell me he still lives at home. Like, he has to wait for his dad to get back before he can take the car?
Buffy Summers: Cordelia, I think his parents have been dead for a couple of hundred years.
Cordelia: [finishes her lip gloss & faces them] Oh, good. I mean... What?
Buffy Summers: Angel's a vampire... I thought you knew.
Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire. Of course! But the cuddly kind. Like a carebear with fangs?
Willow Rosenberg: [shrugs] It's true.
Cordelia: You know what I think?... I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever. But when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer.

Buffy Summers: [as Xander stalks off after she pulled Larry off him] I think I just violated the guy code big time.
Willow Rosenberg: Poor Xander. Boys are so fragile. Speaking of, how was your date last night?
Buffy Summers: Misfire. I was late due to unscheduled slayage. Showed up looking trashed.
Willow Rosenberg: Was he mad?
[Angel]
Buffy Summers: Actually he was pretty unmad. Which probably had something to do with the fact that Cordelia was drooling in his cappuccino.
Willow Rosenberg: Oh, Buffy. Angel would never fall for her act.
Buffy Summers: You mean that 'actually showing up, wearing a stunning outfit, embracing personal hygiene' act?
Willow Rosenberg: You know what I mean. Uh, she's not his type.
Buffy Summers: Are you sure? I mean, I don't know what his type is. I've known him less than a year, and if you haven't noticed, he's not exactly one to over share.
Willow Rosenberg: True. It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell.
Buffy Summers: Yeah, it's too bad. That is private stuff.
Willow Rosenberg: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files.
Buffy Summers: Most importantly, it would be wrong.

Willow Rosenberg: [as they change for trick-or-treating] Where're you meeting Angel?
Buffy Summers: Here, after trick-or-treating. Mom's gonna be out.
Willow Rosenberg: Does he know about your costume?
Buffy Summers: Nope! Call it a blast from his past. I'll show him I can coif with the best of 'em.
[to the bathroom door]
Buffy Summers: Okay, Willow, come out. You can't hide in there all night.
Willow Rosenberg: O-okay, but, but promise you won't laugh?
Buffy Summers: I promise.
[smiles as Willow shows her outfit of boots, black mini-skirt and a burgundy, halter top]
Buffy Summers: Wow! You're a dish!

Buffy Summers: [looking at a picture of herself] This-this could be me.
Willow Rosenberg: It 'is' you, Buffy. Can't you remember at all?
Buffy Summers: No! I, I don't understand any of this! Uh, uh, th... This is some other girl!
[puts the picture down]
Buffy Summers: I would never wear this, that low apparel, and I don't like this place, and I don't like you, and I just wanna go home!
Willow Rosenberg: You 'are' home.

Willow Rosenberg: Okay. You guys stay here while I get some help. If something tries to get in, just fight it off.
Buffy Summers: Well, i-it's not our place to fight. Uh, surely some men will protect us.
Cordelia: [unsure she heard right] What's that riff?
Willow Rosenberg: I-it's like amnesia, okay? They don't know who they are.

Xander Harris: We must have some kind of amnesia.
Buffy Summers: I don't know what that is, but I'm certain I don't have it. I bathe quite often!
Xander Harris: [about all the chaos] How do you explain this?
Buffy Summers: I don't! I was brought up a proper lady. I-I wasn't meant to understand things. I'm just meant to look pretty, and then someone nice will marry me, possibly a Baron.
Xander Harris: This ain't no tea party, princess. Sooner or later you're gonna have to fight!
Buffy Summers: [real huffy] Fight these low creatures? I'd sooner die.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Get It Done (#7.15)" (2003)
Spike: And just what brings our good principal to this neck of the gloom?
Buffy Summers: I'm showing him our operation. Us.
Spike: Fine by me. Big fight against evil comin' up. The more good guys we've got, the longer we'll all live.
Principal Robin Wood: Is that what you are? A good guy?
Spike: I haven't heard any complaints. Well, I have heard a few complaints over the years, but then I just killed whoever spoke up, and that was pretty much that.
Buffy Summers: He's joking.
Principal Robin Wood: No, he's not.
Spike: No, I'm not.

Dawn Summers: So, I took a look inside that emergency bag of Principal Wood's.
Buffy Summers: And?
Dawn Summers: Smelled weird. Kinda like Grandma's closet, but worse.
Buffy Summers: I didn't know that was possible.

Dawn Summers: Do you know that ancient Sumerians do not speak English?
Buffy Summers: They're worse than the French.

Buffy Summers: I'm the Slayer. The one with the power. And the First has me using that power to dig our graves. I've been carrying you - all of you - too far, too long. Ride's over.
Kennedy: You're out of line!
Willow: No, she's not.
Kennedy: You're gonna let her talk to you like that? Willow, she's not even the most powerful one in this room. With you here, she's not close.
Buffy Summers: You're new here, and you're wrong. Because I use the power that I have. The rest of you are just waiting for me.
Xander: Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You're our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the."
Buffy Summers: Well, from now on, I'm your leader as in "do what I say."
Xander: Ja wohl! But let's not try to forget, we're also your friends.
Anya: I'm not.
Buffy Summers: Then why are you here? Aside from getting rescued, what is it that you do?
Anya: I provide much needed... sarcasm.
Xander: Um, that'd... kinda be my job, actually.

[last lines]
Willow: It's okay, Buffy. We'll get by. We always do.
Buffy Summers: I don't know. They showed me...
Willow: Showed you what?
Buffy Summers: That the First Slayer was right. It isn't enough.
Willow: Why, Buffy? What did you see? What did they show you?

Buffy Summers: Don't you have any real homework?
Dawn Summers: Oh, you mean, like, schoolwork?
Buffy Summers: Yes.
Dawn Summers: Well, I've got a system. It's called flunking out. No, just kidding. I'm paying someone to do my work. I'm kidding! I love to see your eyeballs change color when you think I'm gonna flunk out of sc...

[Buffy shows Principal Wood the Summers house, Andrew storms into the room wearing an apron and oven mitts]
Andrew Wells: Where the hell have you been? This funnel cake is kicking my ass.
Principal Robin Wood: Yeah, I hear they're tricky.
Buffy Summers: Robin Wood, this is Andrew.
Principal Robin Wood: It's a pleasure.
Buffy Summers: Andrew is our... actually, he's our hostage.
Andrew Wells: I like to think of myself more as a
[makes quote marks in the air with his mitted hands]
Andrew Wells: "guestage."
Principal Robin Wood: So, you - you hold him here against his will?
Buffy Summers: Well, he was evil, and people got killed, and-and now he... bakes. I-It's a thing.
Principal Robin Wood: Oh.
Andrew Wells: Could we try to just keep our secret headquarters a little bit secret? Keep bringing people in, they're gonna see everything. They'll see the big board.
Buffy Summers: Andrew, we don't have a big board.
Andrew Wells: [fetches a white dry-erase board covered with colorful illustrations] I, uh, made it myself.
Principal Robin Wood: Oh, I wouldn't have guessed.

Buffy Summers: We're just a bunch of girls waiting to be picked off and buried.
[Spike goes to leave]
Buffy Summers: Where are you going?
Spike: Out. Since I'm neither a girl nor waiting, all this speechifying doesn't really apply to me, does it?
Buffy Summers: Fine. Take a cell phone. That way, if I need someone to get weepy or wailed on, I can give you a call.

Buffy Summers: Dawn, get the Potentials upstairs and break out that emergency kit.
Dawn Summers: What are you going to do?
Buffy Summers: I'm declaring an emergency.

Buffy Summers: The hellmouth has begun its semi-annual percolation. Usually, it blows around May.
Principal Robin Wood: Was it like this before? I mean, it just seems to me as if things are getting bad faster than we thought.
Buffy Summers: We're a little ahead of schedule.

Willow: [Willow walks out the back door onto the porch, arms full of weapons. She freezes when she sees Principal Wood] Oh, hi. Hey. Well, Buffy, I-I see that our preparation for the school-pep-dance-cheer-drill contest are coming along.
[to the potentials]
Willow: Bring it on!
Buffy Summers: It's OK, I filled him in on everything.
Willow: [lets out a sigh of relief] Oh, thank God! If I had to explain all these weapons, I had nothing.
Principal Robin Wood: Buffy tells me you have been, um-oh, how shall I put it-experimenting.
[Willow's eyes grow wide; she casts a "you said what?" glance at Buffy]
Principal Robin Wood: With the magicks.
Willow: [laughs nervously] Oh! Yeah. Oh, nothing too heavy, though. Just the lighter, safer stuff. Uh, if Kennedy asks, her pointy stuff's right there. See you inside.
[to Buffy]
Willow: So much cooler than Snyder.
Principal Robin Wood: She really almost destroyed the world?
Buffy Summers: Yep.
Principal Robin Wood: Remind me not to make her crabby.

Principal Robin Wood: I'd like to see where you work.
Buffy Summers: Uh, here, actually.
[touches her desk]
Buffy Summers: Uh, th-this is my desk, and, uh,
[holds up her pencil holder]
Buffy Summers: these are my pencils...
Principal Robin Wood: No, where you do your *other* work.

Buffy Summers: You think I came all this way to get knocked up by some demon dust? I can't fight this. I know that now. But you guys? You're just men.
[rips her chains out of the ground]
Buffy Summers: Just the men who did this... to her. Whoever that girl was before she was the First Slayer.
Shadow Man #2: [SUBTITLE] You don't understand.
Buffy Summers: No, you don't understand! You violated that girl, made her kill for you because you're weak, you're pathetic, and you obviously have nothing to show me.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: School Hard (#2.3)" (1997)
[first lines]
Principal Snyder: A lot of educators tell students, "Think of your principal as your pal." I say, "Think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner." Tell me, who do you think is the most troublesome student in this school? Well, it is quite a match between you two. On the one hand, Buffy hasn't stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel.
Sheila Martini: I didn't stab no one with a trowel. They were pruning shears.
Principal Snyder: On the other hand, Sheila has never burnt down a school building.
Buffy Summers: Well, that was never proven. The Fire Marshall said it coulda been mice.
Principal Snyder: Mice.
Buffy Summers: Mice that were smoking?
Principal Snyder: The two of you seem to be tied in the class-cutting and fight-starting events. You really are neck and neck here. It's quite exciting.
Sheila Martini: [smirking] What does the winner get?
Principal Snyder: Expelled.

Spike: So. How 'bout this Slayer? Is she tough?
[Cut to Buffy's room. She's standing at her mirror, trying to brush her hair]
Buffy Summers: Ow!
Joyce Summers: What's wrong?
Buffy Summers: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey.
Joyce Summers: Life is hard, dear.
Buffy Summers: Don't I know it. Is that a split end?
Joyce Summers: I got the mail.
Buffy Summers: Good.
Joyce Summers: Which included a reminder notice about Parent-Teacher night. Thursday.
Buffy Summers: [in trepidation] That's good.
Joyce Summers: Which you were planning on telling me about...?
Buffy Summers: Oh, for... the last two weeks.
Joyce Summers: Uh-huh. So, what do you think your teachers are gonna tell me about you?
Buffy Summers: Well, I think they'll all agree that I always bring a pen to class, ready to absorb the knowledge.
Joyce Summers: And, uh, this absorption rate? How is it reflected in your homework and test scores?
Buffy Summers: What can you really tell about a person from a test score?
Joyce Summers: Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again.

[after watching Buffy slay a vampire, Spike comes out of the shadows, slowly clapping his hands]
Spike: Nice work, love.
Buffy Summers: Who are you?
Spike: You'll find out on Saturday.
Buffy Summers: What happens on Saturday?
Spike: I kill you.

Rupert Giles: Spike. That's what the other vampire called him? That's a little unorthodox, isn't it?
Buffy Summers: Maybe he's Reform.

Principal Snyder: [at Parent-Teacher night] Was that your mother?
Buffy Summers: Here.
[She fakes a spill of handing a lemonade cup to him]
Buffy Summers: Oh! Oh, sorry! Um, yeah! Yeah, I was gonna introduce you, but, um, she wouldn't have said much. Y'know, she doesn't speak a word of English.

Buffy Summers: Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil and water and a... third unmeshable thing.

[Trapped by vampires in a school room]
Buffy Summers: You can't go outside. They'll kill you.
Principal Snyder: You don't tell me! I tell *you*!
Buffy Summers: They will kill everybody in this room. Nobody goes out, nobody comes in until I say so. Do you hear me?
Principal Snyder: Who do you think you are?
Buffy Summers: I'm the one that knows how to stop them.

Big Ugly: Slayer.
Buffy: Slayee.

Xander Harris: As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine.
Buffy Summers: Are you crazy? What did you say that for? Now something bad is gonna happen.
Xander Harris: What do you mean? Nothing's gonna happen.
Willow Rosenberg: Not until some dummy says, "As long as nothing bad happens."
Buffy Summers: It's the ultimate jinx.
Willow Rosenberg: What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?

Buffy Summers: We were at The Bronze before. Thought you said you might show?
Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
Buffy Summers: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
Willow Rosenberg: Wow, two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year that's still like four-hundred dates with four-hundred different...
[Buffy looks at her and she looks at a weapon on the table]
Willow Rosenberg: Why do they call it a mace?

Buffy Summers: Do we really need weapons for this?
Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.

Buffy Summers: You shouldn't have come here.
Spike: No. I messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored.

Buffy Summers: La vâche... doit me... touche... de la... jeudi. Was it wrong? Should I use the plural?
Willow Rosenberg: No. But you said, "The cow should touch me from Thursday."
Buffy Summers: Maybe that's what I was feeling.
Willow Rosenberg: And you said it wrong.
Buffy Summers: Oh, je stink.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Buffy vs. Dracula (#5.1)" (2000)
Dracula: Do you know why you cannot resist?
Buffy: 'Cause you're famous?

Xander: I'm supposed to deliver you to the Master now. There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?
Buffy: Take me to him.

Dracula: What is this?
Buffy: My true nature. You want a taste?

Buffy: How do you like my darkness now?

Buffy: You know, I really think the thrall has gone out of our relationship.

Joyce Summers: Buffy? If you're going out, why don't you take your sister?
Buffy, Dawn Summers: [in unison] Mom!

Xander: Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Damnit. You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey.
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.

Dracula: Very impressive hunt. Such power.
Buffy: That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job. Care to step up for some overtime?
Dracula: We're not going to fight.
Buffy: Do you know what a Slayer is?
Dracula: Do you?

Buffy: [Dracula tries to comes back, but Buffy is standing right there to stake him again as he materializes] You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.
[as the dusts of his resurrection start to swirl again]
Buffy: I'm standing right here!

Buffy: Where's my burger?
Riley Finn: Yeah, man, I'm starving. Cow me.
Xander: The, uh, fire's not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.

Buffy: So let me get this straight. You're..."Dracula." The guy. The Count.
Dracula: I am.
Buffy: And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? 'Cause I've fought more than a couple of pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
Dracula: You know who I am. As I would know without question that you are Buffy Summers.
Buffy: You've heard of me?
Dracula: Naturally. You're known throughout the world.
Buffy: Naw. Really?
Dracula: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned... killer.
Buffy: Yeah, I prefer the term "Slayer." You know, killer just sounds so...
Dracula: Naked?
Buffy: Like I paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?
Dracula: Perhaps, but your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.
Buffy: [having had enough] No. You know what I feel? Bored.

Buffy: [frustrated] Who are you?
Dracula: I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Dracula.
Buffy: [unbelieving] Get out!

Buffy: Where's my burger?
Riley Finn: Yeah, man, I'm starving. Cow me.
Xander: The fire is not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.
Willow Rosenberg: [Nonchalantly casting a spell] Ignis, incende!
[meaning "fire, burn!"]
Buffy: Willow, check you out! Witch fu!
Willow Rosenberg: It's no big. You just balance the elements so when you affect one, you don't wind up causing...
[rises a storm, and they all have to flee]
Willow Rosenberg: I didn't do it! I didn't do it!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Doppelgangland (#3.16)" (1999)
Buffy: Willow, you're alive.
Willow: Aren't I usually?

Willow: [Giles, Willow, Xander and Buffy in the library discussing vamp Willow] This is creepy. I don't like the thought that there's a vampire out there that looks like me.
Xander: Not looks like... is.
Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh, yeah.
[Giles raises his hand]
Angel: [rushing in] Buffy, I... Something's happened that... Willow's dead.
[no-one looks surprised]
Angel: [Angel sees Willow] Hey, Willow.
[takes another look at her]
Angel: Wait a second.
Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.
Buffy: We saw her too, at the Bronze.
Angel: Okay. Uh, she's there now with a cadre of vampires looking to party.
Buffy: We can figure out who she is after we stop the feeding frenzy.

Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?
Willow: Uh-huh.
Buffy: See? I told you. Old Reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks.
Buffy: What?
Willow: Old Reliable? Yeah, great, there's a sexy nickname.
Buffy: Well, I-I didn't mean it as...
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm Old Reliable.
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that-that the guy had to shoot...
Willow: That's Old Yeller!
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.

[the gang looks at the vampire version of Willow from an alternate reality]
Giles: It's extraordinary.
Willow: It's horrible. That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay.
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually...
[pauses as Willow and Buffy look at him]
Angel: That's a good point.

Buffy: I know Faith's not gonna be on the cover of Sanity Fair, but she had it rough. Different circumstances, that could be me.

Buffy: So he threatened you? With what?
Willow: Well, it wasn't exactly anything he said. It was all in his eyes. I mean, there was some nostril work as well, but mostly eyes.

Buffy: Will, wait. I'm really sorry.
Willow: Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me.

Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
Xander: Will, we saw you at The Bronze. A vampire.
Willow: I'm not a vampire.
Buffy: You are. I-I mean you-you were. Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: Well, uh... something... something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?

Buffy: Now, you're sure you're up to this?
Willow: Don't worry. I won't do anything that could be interpreted as brave.

Buffy: [about Vamp Willow's outfit] Are you okay in that?
Willow: It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe.
[looks down into her low-cut shirt]
Willow: Gosh, look at those!

Buffy: [Buffy and Willow winding down] You wanna go out tonight?
Willow: Strangely, I feel like staying at home... and doing my homework... and flossing... and dying a virgin.
Buffy: You know, you can OD on virtue.
Willow: Between me and my evil self, I have double guilt coupons. I see now where the path of vice leads. She messed up everything she touched. I don't ever wanna be like that.
Percy West: [Percy walks up] Hey. Uh, hi.
Willow: [Willow still thinking she has to do his homework] Oh, hi. Listen, I didn't have a chance...
Percy West: Okay. So, I did the outline. For the paper on Roosevelt. It turns out there were two President Roosevelts, so I didn't know exactly which one to do, so I did both. And I know they're kinda-kinda short, but, um, I can flesh them out. Oh, and-and here's the bibliography. And I can retype that if you want. You just let me know what I did wrong and I'll get on that.
[Percy leaves comes back with an apple for Willow and leaves again]
Buffy: You wanna go out tonight?
Willow: Nine sound good?

Buffy: It was exactly you, Wil, every detail. Except for you're not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: Oh right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?

Xander: Will, we saw you. At the bronze. A vampire.
Willow: [defensive] I'm not a vampire.
Buffy: But you are, I mean you were... Giles, you planning to step in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: [not a clue] Well, something... something very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher council let this guy go?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Go Fish (#2.20)" (1998)
Buffy: I'm a swim groupie.
Gage Petronzi: Uh-ha.
Buffy: Oh, yeah, you know, there's just something about the smell of chlorine on a guy. Oh, baby.

[Xander is wearing a speedo]
Xander: I'm undercover.
Buffy: Not under much.

Buffy: Tell me what's in the steam!
Coach Carl Marin: After the fall of the Soviet Union, documents came into light detailing experiments with fish DNA in their Olympic swimmers. Tarpon... mako shark... But they couldn't crack it.
Buffy: And you did... sort of. Why?
Coach Carl Marin: What kind of question is that? For the win! To make my team the best they could be! Do you understand we have a shot at the State Championship?
Buffy: Do you understand that I don't care? It's over. There's not gonna be any Swim Team.
Coach Carl Marin: Boy, when they were handin' out school spirit, you didn't even stand in line, did ya?
Coach Carl Marin: No. I was in the line for shred of sanity.
[the Coach pulls out a pistol and points it at Buffy]
Buffy: [shocked] ... Which you obviously skipped.

[Buffy has been thrown into a sewer system containing growling monsters]
Buffy: Great. This is just what my reputation needs - that I "did it" with the entire Swim Team.

[last lines]
Rupert Giles: The-the people from Animal Control have just left. Our creatures have apparently made a-a dash for it. Um, so to speak.
Willow: Does that mean we're gonna have to hunt them again?
Buffy: No, I don't think so. I don't think we'll be seeing them any more.
Rupert Giles: Where do you think they'll go?
Buffy: Home.
[Cut to the ocean, where large waves are rolling in. The three monsters are in the surf and begin to swim out to sea]

Willow: So we're lookin' for a beasty.
Rupert Giles: That, uh, eats humans whole, except for the skin.
Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.
Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part.
Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol?
[Giles looks at her thoroughly un-amused]
Buffy: You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh.

Buffy: [watching Coach Marin being devoured by his 'team'] Those boys really love their coach.

Willow: Dodd McAlvy, torn tendon. Gage Petronzi, fractured wrist, depression, headaches...
Buffy: It's all there in the school medical records.
Willow: All symptomatic of steroid abuse.
Xander: But is steroid abuse usually linked with 'Hey I'm a fish'?

Gage Petronzi: That stupid bitch.
Angelus: You have got to be talking about Buffy.
Gage Petronzi: How did you know?
Angelus: She + I had this... thing once, biggest mistake of my life.
Gage Petronzi: Yeah, my condolences dude.
Angelus: Shes a real head tripper.
Gage Petronzi: Tell me about it, girl acts like shes gods gift or something.
Angelus: Who is she, The Chosen One?
Gage Petronzi: Exactly.
Angelus: What she really needs is for someone to knock her down off her notches.
Gage Petronzi: That would be sweet. Anybody in mind?
Angelus: You in luck my friend...
[Gage looks behind him Angel isn't there, then he looks in front of him]
Angelus: Just so happens I'm a crotty.
Buffy, Gage Petronzi: [Gage starts screaming for help because Angelus is biting him and Buffy comes out of the Bronze]
Gage Petronzi: Ahhh... Buffy help!
[Angel spits out Gage's blood]
Angelus: Ahh... Miss Summers you look beautiful.
[Angel throws Gage at Buffy and he runs off and they get up]
Gage Petronzi: Was that the thing that killed Cameron?
Buffy: No, that was something else.
Gage Petronzi: Something else?
Buffy: Yeah we have a lot of something elses in this town. Good night.
[Walks away]
Gage Petronzi: Hey...
[runs up to Buffy]
Gage Petronzi: Walk me home?

Gage Petronzi: What a psycho bitch, man.
Angelus: [Angelus comes out from behind a pile of crates] Gotta be talking about Buffy.
Gage Petronzi: [stops and faces him] How'd you know?
Angelus: Uh, she and I... had this thing once. Biggest mistake of my life.
Gage Petronzi: Yeah. My condolences, dude.
[turns and goes]
Angelus: [follows] She's a real head-tripper.
Gage Petronzi: Tell me about it. Girl acts like she's God's gift or something.
Angelus: Who is she? The Chosen One?
Gage Petronzi: Exactly.
Angelus: You know, what she really needs is for someone to really knock her down off her notches.
Gage Petronzi: Yeah, that'd be sweet. Anyone in mind?
Angelus: You're in luck, my friend.
[Gage turns to look at Angelus and sees that he has disappeared]
Angelus: Just so happens...
[Gage turns back quickly and sees Angelus standing there in front of him in his game face]
Angelus: ... I'm recruiting.
[Gage looks horrified as Angelus grabs him and bites his neck]
Gage Petronzi: No!
[Buffy strolls out of the Bronze and hears Gage's screams]
Gage Petronzi: Ah! Somebody! Help! Ah! Help! Ah! Ah! Get him off me! Help! Ah!
[She rushes to his aid. Cut to Angelus. He drops Gage and begins to spit out his blood. He wipes his mouth and spits some more. Buffy comes running around the corner, and just as he looks up she does a roundhouse kick to his face. He isn't fazed, and just looks at her. She pulls out the stick holding her hair up and holds it ready to stake him as her hair falls down around her face]
Angelus: Why, Miss Summers! You're beautiful!
[He quickly bends down, picks Gage up and throws him at her, knocking her to the pavement. He spits a few more times and leaves smiling]
Gage Petronzi: [Buffy scrambles to her feet and watches him go. Gage gets up also and rubs his neck] Oh. Was that the thing that killed Cameron?
Buffy: No. That was something else.
Gage Petronzi: [confused] S-something else?
Buffy: Yeah. Unfortunately, we have a lot of something elses in this town. Good night.
[leaves]
Buffy: [Gage looks back and forth between Buffy and the direction Angelus went]
Gage Petronzi: Hey!
[Buffy stops and looks back at him. He goes over to her]
Gage Petronzi: [laughs nervously] Walk me home?
[She motions for him to follow, and they leave]

Cordelia: [to Buffy] So he spit it out? I thought Angel liked blood.
Buffy: He used to.
Willow: Maybe his eyes were too big for his stomach.
Buffy: Or maybe there was something in Gage's blood that Angel didn't like. Say, for example, steroids.
Willow: That would explain all their behavioral changes.
Cordelia: And their winning streak.
Willow: So maybe whatever's in their blood is what's attracting this creature to them.

Buffy: [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINES, in response to Cordy's comment about Xander trying for the football team] You're not the only one he proved himself to. In fact... You keep playing your cards right, Xander, and I think our team's gonna start having you call the shots - instead of me.
Xander: [wincing] Me... call the shots... instead of you?
[shudders]
Xander: I'd rather be a fish.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Helpless (#3.12)" (1999)
Angel: Um, am I gonna see you this weekend? You, uh, you-you probably have plans.
Buffy: Right, birthday. Um, actually, I, I do have a thing.
Angel: Oh, a thing. A date?
Buffy: Nice attempt at casual. Actually, I do have a date. Older man. Very handsome. Likes it when I call him 'Daddy'.
Angel: Huh, your father. It is your father, right?

[after defeating a vampire]
Buffy: If I was at full Slayer power, I'd be punning right about now.

Quentin Travers: Congratulations again.
Buffy: Bite me!
Quentin Travers: Yes, well, colorful girl.

Buffy: Amethyst.
Giles: Used for?
Buffy: Breath mints?
Giles: Charm bags, money spells, and for cleansing one's aura.
Buffy: Okay, so how do you know if one's aura is dirty? Does somebody come by with a finger and write "Wash Me" on it?

Buffy: Wow, that was really funny-lookin'. Could you do it again?
Vampire: I'll kill you for that.
Buffy: For that? What were you trying to kill me for before?

Buffy: I'm way off my game. My game's left the country. It's in Cuernavaca!

Xander Harris: We're still talkin' party, right? I mean, some of us still love to relish celebrating in the birth of the Buff.
Buffy: I dunno. I think it might be time to put a moratorium on parties in my honor. They tend to go badly. Monsters crash. People die.

Angel: I saw you before you became the Slayer.
Buffy: What?
Angel: I watched you, and I saw you called. It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps... and... and I loved you.
Buffy: Why?
Angel: 'Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life, I wanted to keep it safe... to warm it with my own.
Buffy: That's beautiful. Or taken literally, incredibly gross.
Angel: I was just thinking that, too.

[Buffy has learned that Giles has robbed her of her powers for a Council test]
Giles: You have to listen to me. Because I've told you this, the test is invalidated. You will be safe now, I promise you. Now, whatever I have to do to deal with Kralik... and to win back your trust...
Buffy: You stuck a needle in me. You poisoned me.
Cordelia: [Cordelia walks in] What's going on? Oh, God. Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother.
Giles: [ignoring Cordelia] You can't walk home alone, Buffy. It isn't safe.
Buffy: I don't know you.
Cordelia: Did something take her memory? He's Giles. Gi-els. He hangs out here a lot.
Buffy: Cordelia, could you please drive me home?
Cordelia: Of course.
[to Giles]
Cordelia: But if the world doesn't end, I'm gonna need a note.

Xander Harris: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um,
[clears throat]
Xander Harris: Slayer kryptonite.
Oz: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
Xander Harris: You're assuming I meant the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers.
Oz: [thinks] Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird...
Buffy: [impatiently] Guys? Reality?

Buffy: [straining with peanut butter jar] Just feel better when I get my strength back.
Xander Harris: Give ya a hand with that little lady?
Buffy: [passes Xander jar] You're loving this far too much.
Xander Harris: Admit it, sometimes you just need a big strong man.
[can't undo lid, screen fades to black]
Xander Harris: Uh, Wil, give me a hand with that?

Xander Harris: An ice show. A show performed on ice. And how old are we, again?
Willow Rosenberg: I saw "Snoopy on Ice" once when I was little. My dad took me backstage and I got scared and threw up on Woodstock.
Buffy: I know you all think it's just a big, dumb, girly thing, but it's not. Some of the skaters are Olympic medal winners and my dad buys me cotton candy, a different stuffed animal wearing fuzzy skates every year and okay it is a big, dumb, girly thing, but I love it.
Oz: Not so girly. Ice is cool. It's water. But it's not.
Willow Rosenberg: I think it's sweet you and your dad have a tradition, 'specially now that he's not around so much. Ixnay on the caramel corn if you're goin' backstage...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Revelations (#3.7)" (1998)
[the gang angrily confronts Buffy on Angel's return]
Giles: You must've known it was wrong, seeing Angel, or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us.
Buffy: I was going to tell you, I was. It was just that I-I didn't know why he was back. I just wanted to wait.
Xander: For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?
Buffy: I'm not going to... look... we're not together like that.
Oz: But you were kissing him.
Buffy: [to Xander] You were spying on me? What gives you the right?
Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What? You just tripped and fell on his lips?
Buffy: It was wrong, okay? I know that and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me, I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for a second that Angel was gonna hurt anyone...
Xander: You would stop him? Like you tried the last time when he took down Miss Calendar?

Buffy: You would just love an excuse to kill Angel, wouldn't you?
Xander: I don't need an excuse. I think that lots of dead people actually constitutes an excuse!

Gwendolyn Post: The fact is, there is talk in the Council that you have become a bit too... American.
Giles: Me?
Buffy: Him?

[after meeting the new Watcher]
Giles: That was bracing.
Buffy: Interesting lady. Can we kill her?
Giles: I think the Council might frown upon that.

Faith: You can't trust guys.
Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.

Buffy: How long do you think he can stay angry at me, anyway?
Willow Rosenberg: The emotional marathon man?

Buffy: What's with all the tragedy masks?

Buffy: How are you?
Faith: Five by five.
Buffy: I'll interpret that as good.

Buffy: I'm gonna try and vent a little hormonal angst by going out there and killing a Lagos, whatever that is.
Angel: Lagos?
Buffy: Some demon looking for some all-powerful thingimibob and I gotta stop him before he unleashes unholy havoc, and it's another Tuesday night in Sunnydale.

Buffy: Look, Gwendolyn Post, or whoever she was... she had us all fooled, even Giles.
Faith: Yeah, well you can't trust people. I should've learned that by now.
Buffy: I realize this is gonna sound funny coming from someone that just spent a lot of time kicking your face... but you can trust me.
Faith: Is that right?
Buffy: I know I kept secrets, but I didn't have a choice. I'm on your side.
Faith: I'M on my side, and that's enough.

Buffy: People to see, demons to kill.

Buffy: What are you guys talking about?
Oz: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.
Buffy: He's not my boyfriend. Really, truly, he's... I don't know.
[to Xander]
Buffy: Are we cool?
Xander: Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you.
Cordelia: I don't. Just for the record.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Inca Mummy Girl (#2.4)" (1997)
Willow: Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life.
Buffy Summers: [supportive] Good for you.
Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet.

Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.
Xander: For twenty-one hours?
Willow: It's addictive, you know.
Rupert Giles: We'll deal with that when we've ruled out evil curses.
Buffy Summers: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying.

Willow: His parents say he never came home last night.
Buffy Summers: Y'know, I don't think I remember seeing Rodney on the bus back from the field trip.
Willow: I didn't either. I hope he didn't get in trouble at the Museum.
Xander: [chuckles] Hey, maybe he awakened the mummy.
Willow: [giggles] Right, and it rose from its tomb.
Buffy Summers: [smiles] And attacked him.
[Their smiles fade as they all realize that it may not be so far-fetched]

[first lines]
Buffy Summers: This is so unfair.
Willow: I don't think it's that bad.
Buffy Summers: It's the Über-suck. Mom could've at least warned me.
Xander: Well, a lot of parents are doing it this year. It's part of this whole cultural exchange magillah. The exhibit, the dance...
Willow: I have the best costume for the dance!
Buffy Summers: A complete stranger in my house for two weeks. I'm gonna be insane! A danger to myself and others within three days, I swear.
Xander: I think the exchange student program's cool. I do! It's a beautiful melding of two cultures.
Buffy Summers: Have you ever done an exchange program?
Xander: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?

Willow: The non-violent approach is probably better here.
Buffy Summers: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander: The important thing is: *you* believe that.

[last lines]
Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.
Buffy Summers: Ampata wasn't evil. At least not to begin with, and I-I do think she cared about you.
Xander: Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.
Buffy Summers: She was gypped. She was just a girl, and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the Prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.
Xander: Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.
Buffy Summers: I had you to bring me back.

Buffy Summers: His name's Ampata. Gonna be at the bus station tomorrow night.
Xander: Oooh. The Sunnydale bus depot. Classy! What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine.

[Ampata comes downstairs]
Ampata: Hello, Xander.
Xander: [incoherent babble]
Buffy Summers: I can translate American salivating boy-talk. He says you're beautiful.
Xander: [babbles to Buffy]
Buffy Summers: You're welcome.

Buffy Summers: Come on. Can't you put your foot down?
Rupert Giles: It is down.
Buffy Summers: One of these days, you're gonna have to get a grown-up car.

Rupert Giles: It's definitely all boys' clothes. Why would a girl pack these?
Buffy Summers: How about this one? What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse... and doesn't even pack lipstick?

Buffy Summers: Hey. Look at us. We came up with a plan, a good plan.

Buffy Summers: So, can I go?
Rupert Giles: I think not.
Buffy Summers: How come?
Rupert Giles: Because you are the Chosen One.
Buffy Summers: Mm, just this once I'd like to be the Overlooked One.
Rupert Giles: Yeah well, I'm afraid that is not an option. You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
Buffy Summers: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bitty blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone.
Rupert Giles: [sardonically] It's as if you know me.
[normal]
Rupert Giles: Your secret identity is gonna be difficult enough to maintain while this exchange student is living with you.
[Xander gets up and separates them]
Xander: Not *with* her. In the same house as her. Am I the only one who's objective enough to make that distinction?
Buffy Summers: So! I think going to the dance like a normal person would be the best way to keep that secret. Giles, come on, budge! No one likes a non-budger.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Harvest (#1.2)" (1997)
Buffy Summers: Don't go wild bunch on me.

Giles: You have no idea where they took Jesse?
Buffy Summers: I looked around, but soon as they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom!
Alexander "Xander" Harris: They can fly?
Buffy Summers: They can drive.

Angel: Don't... go down there.
Buffy Summers: Deal with my going.
Angel: You shouldn't be putting yourself at risk. Tonight is the Harvest. Unless you can prevent it, the Master walks.
Buffy Summers: Well, if this Harvest thing is such a suckfest why don't you stop it?
Angel: 'Cause I'm afraid.

Willow Rosenberg: Oh, I-I need to sit down.
Buffy Summers: You are sitting down.
Willow Rosenberg: Oh. Good for me.

Buffy Summers: So, Giles, got anything that can make this day any worse?
Giles: How about the end of the world?
Buffy Summers: Knew I could count on you.

Giles: We're at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may, in fact, stand between the Earth and its total destruction.
Buffy Summers: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
Willow Rosenberg: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
Buffy Summers: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like excessive not studying.
Giles: The Earth is doomed.

Buffy Summers: Look, if you're gonna be popping up with this cryptic wise man act on a regular basis, can you at least tell me your name?
Angel: Angel.
Buffy Summers: Angel. It's a pretty name.

Rupert Giles: This world is older than any of you know. Contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons demons walked the Earth. They made it their home, their... their Hell. But in time they lost their purchase on this reality. The way was made for mortal animals, for, for man. All that remains of the old ones are vestiges, certain magicks, certain creatures.
Buffy Summers: And vampires.
Alexander "Xander" Harris: Okay, this is where I have a problem. See, because we're talking about vampires. We're having a talk - with vampires in it.
Willow Rosenberg: Isn't that what we saw last night?

Rupert Giles: For as long as there have been vampires, there's been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One...
Buffy Summers: He loves doing this part.

Principal Bob Flutie: We're not leaving school grounds, are we?
Buffy Summers: No! No, I'm... just admiring the fence. You know, this is quality fence work.

Buffy Summers: [while fighting a group of vampires] There's something you forgot about, too. Sunrise!
[Breaks open a window, a bright light pours in, the vampire gets up and shields his face with his hands, expecting to be burned. He stops when he realizes it's only a bright lamp. Buffy lunges at him from behind and jams a stake home]
Buffy Summers: It's in about nine hours, moron!

Angel: They'll be expecting you.
Buffy Summers: I've got a friend down there, or at least a potential friend. Do you know what it's like to have a friend?
[Angel lowers his eyes]
Buffy Summers: That wasn't supposed to be a stumper.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Earshot (#3.18)" (1999)
Giles: Feel up to some training?
Buffy: Sure! We can work out after school, you know, if you're not too busy having sex with my *mother*!

Giles: Jonathan? How's he?
Buffy: Pretty crappy. His parents are freaking. He got suspended. And toting a piece to school, not exactly winning him a place with the in-crowd. But, I think he's dealing.
Giles: Well, it's good of you to check on him.
Buffy: Well, it's nice to be able to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except, he's starting to get that look, you know, like he's gonna ask me to Prom.
Giles: Well, it would probably be good for his self-esteem, if you...
Buffy: Oh come on. What am I, Saint Buffy? He's like three feet tall.

[Buffy reads her mom's thoughts]
Buffy: You had sex with Giles? You had *sex* with Giles?
Joyce: It was the candy, we were teenagers.
Buffy: On the hood of a police car?
Joyce: I'll be downstairs. You feel better.
Buffy: *Twice*?

[Buffy can hear everyone's thoughts]
Oz: [Thinking] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist.
[Out loud]
Oz: Hmm.
Xander: [Thinking] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me.
Buffy: God, Xander. Is that all you think about?
Xander: Actually... bye.
[Runs out of the room]

Buffy: I'm suddenly gonna grow this demon part, and we don't even know what it is. It could be claws or scales...
[Willow's eyes widen]
Buffy: What?
Willow Rosenberg: Was it a boy demon?

Angel: Buffy, careful with this gift. Lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful.
Buffy: Like, say, immortality?
Angel: Hm, exactly. I'm dyin' to get rid of that.
Buffy: Funny.
Angel: I'm a funny guy.

Willow Rosenberg: So, you're feeling better about Angel?
Buffy: Well, we talked, then, then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me, and-and then we talked some more.
Willow Rosenberg: See? That's how it should work.

Willow Rosenberg: So scabby Demon got away?
Buffy: Scabby Demon number two got away. Scabby Demon number one, big check in the 'slay' column.
Willow Rosenberg: I don't like this whole 'no mouth' thing. It's disquieting.
Buffy: Well, no mouth means no teeth - unless they have them somewhere else...

Willow Rosenberg: What are you doing Buffy?
Buffy: Nothing... checking for horns.

Buffy: You know what, I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle.

Angel: You can't get into my mind.
Buffy: How did you...
[brief pause]
Buffy: Why not?
Angel: It's like the mirror. The thoughts are there, but they create no reflection in you.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Fear Itself (#4.4)" (1999)
Buffy: There's no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
Willow: I think I'm gonna barf.
Buffy: Except that.

Xander: [Buffy is dressed as Red Riding Hood] Hey, Red. What you got in the basket, little girl?
Buffy: Weapons.
Xander: Oh.

Buffy: Terrifying. If I were Abbot and Costello this would be fairly traumatic.

Buffy: Will, let's be realistic here. Okay, your basic spells are usually only about fifty-fifty.
Willow: Oh, yeah? Well... so's your face.

Giles: Oh, bloody hell. The inscription.
Buffy: What's the matter?
Giles: I should've translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
Buffy: What's it say?
Giles: Actual size.

Willow: The icon's called the-the Mark of Gachnar. I-I-I think this is a-a summoning spell for something called...
Xander: Gachnar?
Willow: Yes. Somehow the-the beginning of the-the spell must have been triggered. Um, Gachnar's trying to manifest itself, to-to come into being.
Buffy: How?
Willow: It-it feeds on fear.
Buffy: Our fears are manifesting. We're feeding it. We-we need to stop.

Buffy: This is Gachnar?
Xander: Big overture, little show.
Gachnar: I am the Dark Lord of nightmares, the bringer of terror. Tremble before me! Fear me!
Willow: He's so cute.

Willow: I'm serious, Buffy, we don't know what we're dealing with.
Xander: Okay, my turn. Does anyone hear that?
Buffy: Well, as soon as we start dealing with whatever it is we're dealing with... Do you hear that?
Xander: Like I said, it sounds like a hissing.
Buffy: It's like a "ssss" noise.
Xander: I thought the word "hissing" covered that nicely.

Buffy: I'm gonna get going.
Xander: [checking his watch] Now? The time's still... Well, okay, it's a little mature, but still.

Buffy: Oh. My. God.
Giles: It's a sombrero.
Buffy: And it's on your head.

Xander: [after appearing invisible to the gang, thinking they still can't see him] I'd offer *my* opinion but you jerks aren't gonna hear it anyway. Not that 'didn't go to college' boy has anything important to say. I might as well hang out my new best friend, bleeding dummy head, for all you dorks care.
Buffy: [Walks over to him] What is wrong with you?
Xander: You - you heard that? You - you can see me?
[Buffy nods]
Xander: Good. Oh, God, good!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: What's My Line?: Part 1 (#2.9)" (1997)
Rupert Giles: It's a reliquary, used to house items of religious significance, most commonly a finger or some other body part from a saint.
Buffy: Note to self: religion - freaky.
Rupert Giles: Du Lac. Oh dear, oh dear.
Buffy: I hate when you say that.

Kendra: Who are you?
Buffy: Who am I? You attacked me. Who the hell are you?

Buffy: Do I like shrubs?
Xander: That's between you and your god.

Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Buffy: Color me stunned.

Buffy: Giles, you're in pace mode. What gives?
Rupert Giles: Um, this vampire who escaped, did you see what he took?
Buffy: No, but I can take a guess and say it was something old.
Rupert Giles: You made no effort to find out what was taken?
Buffy: Have a cow, Giles.

Buffy: Wouldn't be much of a change. Either way I'm bored, constricted, I never get to shop, and my hair and fingernails still continue to grow. So, really, when you think about it, what's the diff?

Rupert Giles: You're behaving remarkably immaturely.
Buffy: You know why? I am immature. I'm a teen. I've yet to mature.

Buffy: I really have to bail, but I promise I'll be back bright and early tomorrow and ready to slay.
Rupert Giles: This is a matter of some urgency, Buffy.
Buffy: I realize that. Well, you have to admit I kinda lack in the book area. I mean, you guys are the brains. I'd only be here for moral support anyway.
Xander: That's untrue, Buffy, you totally contribute. You go for snacks.
Willow Rosenberg: [helping Buffy] She should go. You know, gather her strength.
Rupert Giles: Perhaps you're right. There may be fierce battles ahead.
Xander: [desperate] But Ho-Ho's are a vital part of my cognitive process.

Buffy: Thanks for the wake-up, but I'll stick with my clock radio.

Angel: [examing the defeated Octarus's ring] You're in danger. You know what the ring means?
Buffy: I just killed a Super Bowl champ?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dead Man's Party (#3.2)" (1998)
Joyce Summers: It's, uh, Nigerian. We got a very exciting shipment in at the gallery. I, um, thought I'd hang a few pieces in here. It cheers up the room.
Buffy Summers: It's angry at the room, mom, it wants the room to suffer.

Buffy Summers: I'd like to find Willow and Xander.
Joyce Summers: Will you be slaying?
Buffy Summers: Only if they give me lip.

Buffy Summers: I got in a few hours ago, but, I went to go see my mom first.
Giles: Yes. Yes, of course. H-How did you find her?
Buffy Summers: Well, I pretty much remembered the address.

Xander: So where were you? Did you go to Belgium?
Buffy Summers: Why would I go to Belgium?
Xander: I think the relevant question is why wouldn't ya? Belgium.

[last lines]
Buffy Summers: Fine. Okay. I'm the bad. I can take my lumps... for a while.
Willow Rosenberg: Alright. I'll stop giving you a hard time... runaway.
Buffy Summers: Will!
Willow Rosenberg: I'm sorry... quitter.
Buffy Summers: Whiner.
Willow Rosenberg: Bailer.
Buffy Summers: Harpy.
Willow Rosenberg: Delinquent.
Buffy Summers: Tramp.
Willow Rosenberg: Bad seed.
Buffy Summers: Witch.
Willow Rosenberg: Freak.

Willow Rosenberg: I mean, I'm not a full-fledged witch. That takes years. I just did a couple of pagan blessings and a teeny glamour to hide a zit.
Buffy Summers: It doesn't scare you?
Willow Rosenberg: It has. I tried to communicate with the spirit world and I so wasn't ready for that. It's like being pulled apart inside. Plus, I blew the power for our whole block.

Joyce Summers: Don't worry about school, honey. If we can't get you back into Sunnydale, maybe we can swing private school.
Buffy Summers: Private school? You mean like jackets and kilts? You want me to get field hockey knees?
Joyce Summers: It's not that bad.
Buffy Summers: What about home schooling? You know, it's not just for scary religious people anymore.
Joyce Summers: We'll work something out. Say hi to Willow?

Cordelia: Time out, Xander. Put yourself in Buffy's shoes for just a minute, OK? I'm Buffy, freak of nature, right? Naturally I pick a freak for a boyfriend, and then he turns into Mr. Killing Spree, which is pretty much my fault...
Buffy Summers: Cordy! Get outta my shoes!

Willow Rosenberg: You're leaving again? You just stopped by for your lint brush and you're ready to go? Run away again?
Buffy Summers: It's not like anyone will mind.
Willow Rosenberg: [angry tone] Oh, no... just run away. Have a good time and don't forget not to write!
Buffy Summers: Why are you attacking me? I'm trying here.
Willow Rosenberg: And it looks so much like your giving up and running away again!
Buffy Summers: I'm just trying to make things easier.
Willow Rosenberg: For who? You?
Buffy Summers: You guys were doing just fine without me.
Willow Rosenberg: We were doing the best we could. It's not like we had a lot of choice in the matter.
Buffy Summers: I'm sorry I had to leave, but you don't know what I was going through.
Willow Rosenberg: Well, I'd like to. Talk to me.
Buffy Summers: I don't want to talk about it. Plus, you wouldn't understand.
Willow Rosenberg: Well... maybe I don't need to understand. I need you to just talk to me about your feelings.
Buffy Summers: How can I talk to you when you've been avoiding me since I came back?

Joyce Summers: That does it! You and I are gonna have a talk right here!
Buffy Summers: Mom, please...
Joyce Summers: I don't care! I don't care what your friends think of me or you for that matter because you put me through the ringer, Buffy. Do you have any idea what it's been like for me. You disappear for over three months... three months of not knowing if you were lying dead in a ditch somewhere or living it up?
Buffy Summers: But you told me! You told me to leave! You said that if I leave this house, don't come back. You found out who I really was and you couldn't handle it! These were your very own words: "I don't accept that!"
Joyce Summers: Buffy, you didn't give me any time to deal with it! You just dump this revelation on me and expect me to get it? Well, guess what? I'm not perfect! I'm sorry! I handled it badly! But that doesn't give you the right to punish me by running away!
Buffy Summers: Punish you? I didn't do this to punish you.
Xander: Well, you did, Buffy! You should have seen her worried about you. What you did in taking off was selfish and stupid!
Buffy Summers: Okay, I admit it! I screwed up, but you have no idea what happened to me or what I was feeling after confronting Angel!
Xander: Did you even try talking to anybody?
Buffy Summers: There was nothing any of you could do! I don't want to talk about it! I just had to deal with this on my own!
Xander: Yeah, you see how that worked out, Buffy. You can't just bury stuff like your feelings. It will come right back up to get you.

Xander: Enough, Buffy! You need to stay here at listen to all of us!
Buffy Summers: God, Xander... can you be any more annoying? You can at least stick to annoying me on your own behalf!
Xander: Fine! You stop acting like an idiot, and I'll stop annoying you!
Buffy Summers: You want to talk about acting like an idiot... night hawk?
Oz: All right, that's it! Enough arguing, both of you! I'm stepping in between both of you as referee guy.
Willow Rosenberg: No, let them go, Oz. Talking about it isn't helping. We might as well try some violence.
[suddenly the zombies break into the house from all directions and start attacking the party guests]
Willow Rosenberg: I was being sarcastic!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Amends (#3.10)" (1998)
Jenny Calendar: [as the First] I'm not a demon, little girl. I am something that you can't even conceive. The first evil. Beyond sin, beyond death... I am the thing the darkness fears. You'll never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate...
Buffy: All right. I get it, you're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?

Angel: Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.
Buffy: You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster.

Buffy: Vampires probably not that big on Christmas, now that I think about it.
Angel: Not as a rule.

Cordelia Chase: I'll be in Aspen. Skiing. With *actual* snow.
Buffy: I hear that helps.

Angel: It told me to kill you. You were in the dream. You know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again.
Buffy: I know what it told you. What does it matter?
Angel: Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly. I wanna take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care.

Angel: The world wants me gone.
Buffy: What about me? I love you so much. And I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it. I hate that it's so hard, and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did because you did it to me. Oh God, I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. I can't.

Giles: They're known as the, uh, as the Bringers, or-or Harbingers. They're high priests of the First. They, uh, they can conjure spirit manifestations and set them on people. Influence them, haunt them.
Buffy: These are the guys working the mojo on Angel.
Xander Harris: We gotta stop 'em.
Giles: You-you-you can't fight the First, Buffy. It's not a-a physical being.
Buffy: Well, uh, I can fight these priest guys.

Buffy: [to Angel] Some great evil takes credit for bringing you back and you buy it?

Joyce Summers: [Buffy and Joyce are decorating their tree, Buffy is zoned out] So Angel's on top again.
Buffy: What?
Joyce Summers: Angel or Star?
Buffy: Oh, uh, star.

Buffy: [to Willow] What are you doing for Christmas?
Willow Rosenberg: Being Jewish, remember people? Not Everybody worships Santa Clause.
Buffy: I Just meant for vacation.
Willow Rosenberg: Nothing fun. Oz + I had plans... but I guess that is off.

Buffy: What about me? I love you so much, and I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard... and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don't.
[whispers]
Buffy: I can't.
Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once, let me be strong.
Buffy: Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you, because...
[Snow falls, blocking the sunlight]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Tabula Rasa (#6.8)" (2001)
Dawn: So, you don't have a name?
Buffy: Of course I do. I-I just don't happen to know it.
Dawn: You want me to name you?
Buffy: Oh, that's sweet, but I think I can name myself. I'll name me... Joan.
Dawn: Ugh.
Buffy: What? Did you just 'ugh' my name?
Dawn: No. I just - I mean it's so 'blah.' Joan?
Buffy: I like it. I feel like a Joan.

Buffy: Slay someone? A female someone. Who do those jerks think they are?
Anya: Bloodsuckers. They kill by sucking blood. Take it easy, Joan.

Buffy: Ready, Randy?
Spike: Ready, Joan.

Spike: [as "Randy"] I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the helpless. I'm a vampire with a soul.
Buffy: [as "Joan"] A vampire with a soul? Oh my god, how lame is that?

Buffy: Here, look.
[points to Dawn's necklace]
Buffy: You're Dawn.
Dawn: [looks down] Or 'Umad'.

[not knowing who she is, Buffy has named herself Joan]
Buffy: I think I know why Joan's the boss. I'm like a superhero or something.

Spike: Can we talk?
Buffy: Vocal-cord-wise, yes. With each other? No.

Spike: Take it easy, you'll get your kittens.
Teeth: Oh, I trust you, Mister Spike.
Buffy: [Interrupting] Oh god, what is it with you guys? Why kittens? Why can't you just use money like everybody else?

Buffy: Did you guys see that?
Spike: Vampires!
Tara Maclay: [Hopefully] Maybe it's Halloween.
Dawn: It doesn't feel like Halloween.
Xander Harris: Even if it is, those guys are definitely not kids, and those are definitely not costumes. Randy's right. Looks like we have vampires.

Spike: I'm a hero really. I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life and then to rise above it. To seek out better, nobler things. It's inspirational, isn't it? And the two of us...
[gestures from Buffy to himself]
Spike: natural enemies, thrown together to stand against the forces of darkness. Utter trust. No thought of me biting you, no thought of you staking me.
Buffy: Depends on how long you keep on yapping.

Buffy: [a vampire attacks Spike] Hey! Stay away from Randy!
[She stakes the vampire and he dusts. The Scoobies and Buffy watch in complete wide-eyed amazement]
Dawn: Whoa!
Willow Rosenberg: What did you just do?
Buffy: Uh... I... I don't know.
[slow smile]
Buffy: But it was COOL!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Anne (#3.1)" (1998)
Ken: That... was not... permitted!
Buffy: Yeah, but it was fun.
Ken: You've got guts. I think I'd like to slice you open, and play with them!

Blood Bank Doctor: You're getting yourself in a lot of trouble.
Buffy: I don't want any trouble. I just wanna be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is. But I want one. Instead, I keep getting trouble, which I am more than willing to share.

Buffy: This'll probably go faster if we split up.
Lily: Can I come with you?
Buffy: Okay, where did I lose you on the whole splitting up thing?

Buffy: Hey Ken, wanna see my impression of Gandhi?
[beats him to death with a club]
Lily: Gandhi?
Buffy: Well, you know, he was really pissed-off.

Buffy: Who are you?
Buffy: Hi, I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. And you are?

Buffy: You know, I just - I woke up and I looked in the mirror and I thought, "Hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm-I'm dirty, I'm-I'm bad with the sex, and the envy, and that-that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. B-" Oh, I just suck at undercover.

Lily: I'm not great at taking care of myself.
Buffy: It gets easier.

Lily: I always knew I would come here, sooner or later. I knew I belonged here.
Buffy: Where?
Lily: Hell.
Buffy: This isn't hell.
Ken: Isn't it? What is hell, but the total absence of hope? The substance, the tactile proof of despair? You're right, Lily. This is where you've been heading all your life.

Lily: Lily's from a song. Rickie picked it. I'm always changing anyway. Chantarelle was part of my exotic phase.
Buffy: It's nice. It's a... it's a mushroom.
Lily: It is? That's really embarrassing.
Buffy: Um, well, i-it's an exotic mushroom, if that's any comfort.
Lily: Well, before that, I was following this loser preacher and calling myself Sister Sunshine.
Buffy: What do they call you at home?

Buffy: Let me give you the tour. This concludes the tour.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: As You Were (#6.15)" (2002)
Riley: I hear ya. Got some, uh, big stories to tell you, too, if we even get half a second.
Buffy: Did ya die?
Riley: No.
Buffy: I'm gonna win.

Buffy: My hat has a cow.

Skanky Vamp: What's that smell? Geez, slayer, is that you?
Buffy: I've been working!
Skanky Vamp: Where? In a slaughter house?
Buffy: Doublemeat Palace.
Skanky Vamp: Ooh. You know what? Let's just call it a night. If it's all the same to you, and you've been eatin' that stuff, I'm not so sure I wanna bite you.
Buffy: You're dead. You smell like it. How do you get to say *I'm* the one who's stinky?

Sam Finn: You're like Santa Claus, or Buddha, or something.
Buffy: Fat and jolly?

Buffy: It's over.
Spike: I've memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want.
Buffy: I know that. I do want you. Being with you... makes things... simpler. For a little while.
Spike: I don't call five hours straight a little while.
Buffy: I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just... being weak, and selfish...
Spike: Really not complaining here.
Buffy: And it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry William.

Buffy: We have to find the nest, and fast, before Sunnydale turns into the Troublemeat Palace.
[Everyone turns and looks at her]
Buffy: I wish I'd said something else.

Buffy: Tell me you love me.
Spike: I love you. You know I do.
Buffy: Tell me you want me.
Spike: I always want you. In point of fact...
Buffy: Shut up.

Buffy Summers: My hat has a cow.

Buffy: Well I'm sure my incredible patheticness softened the blow for you
Riley: I don't know what you are talking about.
Buffy: Riley, please don't patronize...
Riley: Hey, you want me to say that I liked seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that burger smell is appealing?
Buffy: You smelled the smell
Riley: Buffy, none of that means anything. It doesn't touch you. You are still the first woman I ever loved and the strongest woman I have ever known. And while I'm not advertising this to the Mrs. you are still quite the hottie.
Buffy: ...You know, it goes away after many bathings
Riley: This isn't about who's on top. I know how lucky I am right now. I love my work, and I love my wife.
Buffy: I know... I kinda love her too.
Riley: And so you're not in the greatest place right now... maybe I made it worse.
Buffy: No.
Riley: The wheel never stops turning, Buffy. You're up, you're down... It doesn't change what you are. You are a hell of a woman.

Riley: We've been tear-assing through every jungle from Paraguay up, taking out nests. As soon as we put one Suvolte down, a dozen take its place. They're breeders, Buffy. One turns into ten, ten becomes a hundred. This gets out of hand and there's a war with humans? Humans are gonna lose.
Buffy: So they're like really mean tribbles. Sorry, I've been dealing with these, these geeks. It's-it's a whole thing.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Fool for Love (#5.7)" (2000)
[last lines]
Buffy: What do you want now?
Spike: What's wrong?
Buffy: I don't wanna talk about it.
Spike: Is there something I can do?

Spike: The only thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Everyday you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you. Is today the day I die? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it... not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it. Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know, what's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. She merely wanted it. Every Slayer... has a death wish. Even you. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world. Your mum, brat kid sister, Scoobies. They all tie you here but you're just puttin' off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second - the second that happens, you know I'll be there. I'll slip in. Have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did.
Buffy: Get out of my sight, Spike, now.
Spike: Oh... did I scare ya? You're the Slayer. Do somethin' about it. Hit me. Come on. One good swing. You know you want to.
Buffy: I mean it.
Spike: So do I. Give it me good, Buffy. Do it.

Spike: Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you wanna dance.
Buffy: Say it's true. Say I do want to. It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. You're beneath me.

Spike: We just keep coming. But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand and the armies of Hell besides, and all we need... is for one of us, just one, sooner or later, to have the thing we're all hoping for.
Buffy: And that would be what?
Spike: One good day.

Dawn Summers: Come on. Who's the man?
Buffy: You are. A very short, annoying man.

Spike: Right. You want to learn all about how I bested the Slayers and you want to learn fast. Right, then. We fought. I won. The end. Pay up.
Buffy: That's not what I...
Spike: What did you want, eh? A quick demo? A blow-for-blow description you can map out and memorize? It's not about the moves, love. And since I agreed to your little proposition, we can do this my way. Wings.
Buffy: What?
Spike: Spicy buffalo wings. Order me up a plate. I'm feelin' peckish.

Spike: [Talking about when he first learned about the Slayer] After that, I was obsessed. I mean, to most vampires, the Slayer was the subject of cold sweat and frightened whispers. But I never hid. Hell, I sought her out. I mean, if you're looking for fun, there's death, there's glory and sod all else, right?
[shrugs]
Spike: I was young.
Buffy: [Wanting to get to the point] So how'd you kill her?
Spike: [Spike moves behind Buffy] Funny you should ask.
[His hand whips out and takes her by the neck. She instinctually reacts, bringing the pool cue up as a weapon but Spike holds her at bay]
Spike: Lesson the first: a Slayer must always reach for her weapon.
[Shifts to his vamp face]
Spike: I've already got mine.
Spike: [He shakes his head and his face returns to normal. After a moment, he releases Buffy's neck and takes the pool cue from her. He walks over to the table and lines up a shot] A good thing, too. Become a vampire, you've got nothing to fear. Nothing but one girl. That's you, honey. Back then... it was her.

Dawn Summers: When do I get to patrol?
Buffy: Not until you're never.

Rupert Giles: You didn't lose last night, Buffy. You just...
Buffy: [Interrupts] Got really close. I slipped up, Giles. I've been training harder than ever and still I...
[beat]
Buffy: And there's nothing in any of these books to help me understand why. I mean... look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto. If there were just a few good descriptions of what took out the other Slayers, maybe it would help me to understand my mistake, to keep it from happening again.

Dawn Summers: When do I get to patrol?
Buffy Summers: Not until you're never.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Angel (#1.7)" (1997)
Buffy: Angel?
Angel: Hmm?
Buffy: Do you snore?
Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anybody's been in a position to let me know.

Buffy: You read my diary? That is not OK. A diary is like a person's most private place. I - You don't even know what I was writing about. 'Hunk' can mean a lot of things, bad things. And-and when it said that your eyes are penetrating, I meant to write 'bulging'.
Angel: Buffy...
Buffy: And 'A' doesn't even stand for Angel for that matter. It stands for Achmed, a charming foreign exchange student. So that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you, at all...
Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched her from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear.
Buffy: Oh.

Darla: Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is?
Buffy: Bad hair on top of that outfit?

Willow Rosenberg: What about Angel?
Buffy: Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. 'Hi, honey. You're in grave danger. I'll see you next month.'
Willow Rosenberg: He's not around much, it's true.
Buffy: When he is around... it's like the lights dim everywhere else. You know how it's like that with some guys?
Willow Rosenberg: Oh, yeah.

Buffy: Cool. Crossbow. Huh, check out these babies. Hmm, goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality.

Xander: Ah, the post-fumigation party.
Buffy: 'Kay, so, what's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party?
Xander: Much hardier cockroaches.

Rupert Giles: There's mention some two hundred years ago in Ireland of-of Angelus, the one with the angelic face.
Buffy: They got that right.
[Xander coughs]

Buffy: I invited you into my home and then you attacked my family.
Angel: Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friends' children... For a hundred years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart.

Angel: I just wanted to see if you were okay... your mother.
Buffy: We're both good. You?
Angel: If I can go a little while without getting shot or stabbed I'll be all right. Look, this can't...
Buffy: ...ever be anything. I know. For one thing, you're, like, two hundred and twenty-four years older than I am.
Angel: I just gotta... I gotta walk away from this.

Buffy Summers: Love makes you do the whacky.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: End of Days (#7.21)" (2003)
Spike: Were you there with me?
Buffy: I was.
Spike: What does that mean?
Buffy: I don't know. Does it have to mean something?
Spike: No. Not right now.

Faith: I'm looking at you, everything you have, and, I don't know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody's looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I've never felt so alone in my entire life.
Buffy: Yeah.
Faith: And that's you every day, isn't it?
Buffy: I love my friends. I'm very grateful for them. But that's the price. Being a slayer.
Faith: There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.
Buffy: Also, you went evil and were killing people.
Faith: Good point. Also a factor.
Buffy: But you're right. I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share.
Faith: And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.

Buffy: What is it?
Guardian: A weapon - a scythe - forged in secrecy for one like you who... I'm sorry. What's your name?
Buffy: Buffy.
Guardian: No, really.
[Buffy shrugs]

Giles: [inspecting a scythe] In addition to being ancient, it's - well it's clearly mystical.
Buffy: Yeah, I figured that one out when I King Arthured it out of the stone.

Buffy: I trust you with my life. That's why I need you to do this for me.
Xander Harris: Okay.
Buffy: Also, you can't shoot a bow and arrow anymore and-and every time you pick up a sword I worry that you're gonna break one of our good lamps.
Xander Harris: Hey!
Buffy: Don't look at me. You're the one who said I'm gonna die.
Xander Harris: I never said you were gonna die. I-I implied that you were gonna die. It's totally different.
Buffy: Yeah, okay. Sure.
Xander Harris: Besides, if you die, I'll just bring you back to life. That's what I do.

Buffy: You're a dope.
Spike: I'm a what?
Buffy: You're a dope, a-and a bonehead, and you're shirty.
Spike: Have you gone completely Carrot-top?
Buffy: Do you see this? This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything and the reason I'm holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. I am tired of defensiveness and-and weird mixed signals - You know what? I have Faith for that. Let's just get to the truth, here, okay? I don't know how you felt about last night, but I will not...
Spike: Terrified.

Spike: Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this.
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but...
Buffy: I just told you it did.
Spike: Yeah, I hear you say it, but... I've lived for sodding ever, Buffy. I've done everything. I've done things with you I can't spell, but I've never been close to anyone, least of all you, until last night. All I did was hold you, watch you sleep, and it was the best night of my life. So, yeah, I'm terrified.

[Spike looks on as Buffy and Angel kiss]
Buffy: [as the First] That bitch.

Xander Harris: I just always thought that I would... that I would be there with you. You know, for the end.
Buffy: Hey!
Xander Harris: Well, not that this is the end.
Buffy: Thanks a lot.
Xander Harris: No, no, no, no. Uh, by the end, I-I meant, uh... heroic in an uplifting way. See, I'm still optimistic. You're just thrown off a little by this gritty-looking eye patch.
Buffy: I know what you meant.
Xander Harris: I should be at your side. That's all I'm saying.
Buffy: You will be. You're my strength, Xander. You're the reason I made it this far.

Xander Harris: Buffy, do you get that? If I do this, that's it for me for this fight. I feel like you're putting me out to pasture.
Buffy: Of course I'm not putting you out to pasture. What does that even mean?
Xander Harris: Well, you know, it's like, uh, when a cow gets old and loses an eye, or its ability to be milked, the farmer takes it and puts it in a different pasture so it won't have to... fight... with the priests.
[chuckles]
Xander Harris: Look, I don't need you to protect me.
Buffy: I'm not.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Gingerbread (#3.11)" (1999)
Willow: [threatening to use magic] You've seen what we can do. Another step and you will all feel my power.
Buffy: What are you gonna do, float a pencil at them?

Buffy: Mom, dead people are talking to you! Do the math.

Buffy: Like the kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
Angel: Dyke... it's another word for dam.
Buffy: Oh, okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.
Angel: Buffy, you know, I'm still figuring things out. There's a lot I don't understand. But I do know it's important to keep fighting. I learned that from you.
Buffy: But we never...
Angel: We never win.
Buffy: Not completely.
Angel: We never will. That's not why we fight. We do it 'cause there's things worth fighting for: those kids, their parents...
Buffy: Their parents.
Angel: Look, I know it's not much.
Buffy: No, no, it's a lot.

Xander: Everyone expects me to mess up again, like Oz. I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze, that pointed silence.
Buffy: 'Cause he's usually such a chatterbox.
Xander: No, but it's different now. It's more a verbal non-verbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes.

Giles: There is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents.
Buffy: And in some language that's English?
Oz: Fairy tales are real.
Buffy: Hans and Gre- Hansel and Gretel?
Xander: Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Bread crumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?
Giles: Of course. It makes sense now.
Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.
Giles: Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and-and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by-not by destroying men but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes.
Buffy: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch.
Giles: And then she and, probably, dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history, happened in Salem, not surprisingly.

Buffy: They've never been seen alive, just dead. A lot!

Buffy: What are they looking for?
Amy Madison: Witch stuff.

Buffy: Giles, we need those books.
Giles: Believe me, I've tried to tell that to the nice man with the big gun.

Cordelia: You're going to be one busy little Slayer, baby-sitting them.
Buffy: I doubt they'll have any more trouble.
Cordelia: Amy is a witch. And Michael is whatever the boy of "witch" is, plus being the poster child for yuck.
Buffy: Corde...
Cordelia: I doubt your doubt. Everyone knows that witches killed those kids. And If you hang with them, expect badness, 'cause that's what you get when you hang with freaks and losers. Believe me, I know. That was a pointed comment about me hanging with you guys.

Amy Madison: All right! You wanna fry a witch! I'll give you a witch! Goddess Hecate, work they will...
Buffy: Uh-oh.
Amy Madison: Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!
[Amy turns herself into a rat]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The I in Team (#4.13)" (2000)
Buffy Summers: You're quite the regimental soldier.
Riley Finn: I am how they trained me.
Buffy Summers: They? Who they?
Riley Finn: You know, the government. Talked me out of special op training for this.
Buffy Summers: What did they tell you it was for?
Riley Finn: Didn't. In the military, you learn to follow orders. Not ask questions.
Buffy Summers: I don't understand. Aren't you curious about all the science and research stuff they're doing?
Riley Finn: I know all I need to know. We're doing good here: protecting the public, removing the subterrestrial threat... it's work worth doing.

Buffy Summers: [speaking through the monitor] Professor Walsh. That simple little recon you sent me on wasn't a raccoon.
[Walsh slowly faces the monitors]
Buffy Summers: Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.

Spike: I'm not going anywhere. Not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me - put me back the way I was.
Xander Harris: Sure. Just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.
Spike: You think that would work?
Rupert Giles: Spike - lord knows why I'm telling you this - it's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation, it's not safe for you here.
Buffy Summers: No. It's not safe for any of us.

Buffy Summers: Why exactly can't we damage this Polka thing's arms? I mean, not-not that I want to. It's just, in my experience, when fighting for your life, body parts get damaged. And better its bits than mine.

Professor Maggie Walsh: We always take precautions. All we need you to do is get a visual on this thing.
[gives Buffy a com-cam]
Professor Maggie Walsh: This will feed me back an image and I can advise you from there. I don't wanna put you in any unnecessary danger.
Buffy Summers: Oh, that's okay. Danger's my birthright.

[Professor Walsh has ordered a test of Buffy's abilities. Therefore, at night, several Initiative Commandos have been deployed to search for The Slayer in a dark woods at night. Buffy ambushes them, and soon many of the soldiers are on the ground]
Professor Maggie Walsh: Lights!
[the bright lights of a humvee parked on a hill illuminate the area. Buffy and the lead commando see Professor Maggie Walsh hurrying down to them. She walks past the lead commando, who is pulling off his mask to reveal he's Riley Finn. Walsh faces Buffy with a chilly expression]
Professor Maggie Walsh: It took the patrol team 42 minutes to track you and you neutralized them in 28 seconds.
Buffy Summers: I was just lucky.
Professor Maggie Walsh: I see.
[Walsh ignores Riley's proud smile]
Professor Maggie Walsh: Well, still. Very impressive.
Buffy Summers: [to Riley] I was just being modest with the whole 'lucky' thing. You got that, right?
Riley Finn: I got it.
Graham Miller: Awesome, Buffy.
Forrest Gates: Pfft!
[He walks away from this celebration of Buffy's skills, as fighting her had left him with bruises and bruised pride]
Riley Finn: See? You're a hit. Everybody loves you.
[Cut to Walsh standing beside the humvee, looking on. She doesn't look happy, much less loving]

[Walsh and Riley show Buffy around the underground Initiative complex, including The Pit]
Professor Maggie Walsh: Your visitor's pass. And I've assembled some reading material to bring you up to speed.
Buffy Summers: Oh. And I thought I was never gonna get homework from you again.
Professor Maggie Walsh: You can't take that home. That's classified material. Highly sensitive. When you're through reading those pages, you'll have to eat them.
Riley Finn: She's joking.
Professor Maggie Walsh: Don't worry, it doesn't happen very often. Shall we? Much of our hands-on research with the HSTs is performed here. We call this 'The Pit.'
[Buffy sees a pair of green squid-faced demons lying on two tables, while scrub-clad techs work on them]
Buffy Summers: And what do you call those?
Riley Finn: Tough. It took eight of us to bring those two down.
Professor Maggie Walsh: They'll be under our control soon enough. Doctor Angleman! Head of our science team. He's a leader in the field of xenomorphic behavior modification.
Buffy Summers: Behavior modification?
Professor Maggie Walsh: We've made significant advances in reconditioning the sub-terrestrials. Bringing them to a point where they no longer pose a threat.
Buffy Summers: So I've seen.
[Walsh and Riley look at her]
Buffy Summers: On the Discovery Channel. With gorillas and sharks. They, they made them all nice. You haven't seen it?

[Willow, Xander and Anya have been waiting for Buffy at the Bronze; now she shows up with Riley, Forrest, Graham, and others]
Buffy Summers: I didn't think that you would mind. Riley and the guys were throwing a little impromptu celebration in my honor and made it, like, impossible to not invite them.
Willow Rosenberg: Oh. That's neat about the celebrating. I just thought this was supposed to be, you know, just us. Just the Scooby core, you know. I mean, I could have invited somebody else if I knew it was an open free-for-all.
Buffy Summers: I'm sorry. I had no idea. My total bad. So, who did you want to invite?
Willow Rosenberg: What?
Buffy Summers: You said you wanted to invite someone.
Willow Rosenberg: No. Not - no one. I meant a hypothetical someone, which is to say no one.

Professor Maggie Walsh: This is your objective. Sub-T: 67119. Demon class: Polgara species. Though visual confirmation has not yet been made, we're confident of the target's approximate position, as it leaves behind a distinct protein marker. Dr. Angleman will brief you on its defenses.
Dr. Angelman: When threatened, bone skewers jut from the creature's forearms during battle. It's imperative when ensnaring it not to damage its arms. That's all you really need to know.
Buffy Summers: Question.
Professor Maggie Walsh: Buffy?
Buffy Summers: Why exactly can't we damage this polka thing's arms? I, uh, not that I want to, it's just in my experience when fighting for your life, body parts get damaged and - better its bits than mine. Or ours.
Dr. Angelman: We wish to study the physiology of every subterrestrial's natural defenses. It's part of the research we do here. Uh - Yes?
Buffy Summers: What do they want?
Dr. Angelman: Want?
Buffy Summers: Why are they here? Sacrifices, treasure, or they just get rampagy? I find it's easier to predict their responses if I know...
Dr. Angelman: They're not sentient. Just destructive, I believe.
Professor Maggie Walsh: They do have keen eyesight, however. You might want to be suited up for this.
Buffy Summers: Oh.
[glancing at the green-clad commandos around her]
Buffy Summers: You mean the camo and stuff? I thought about it but, I mean, it's gonna look all 'Private Benjamin.'
[This gets chuckles from some of the commandos]
Buffy Summers: Don't worry, I've patrolled in this halter many times.
[This gets even more chuckles and Riley has to bow his head and clench his jaw]
Professor Maggie Walsh: Why don't we give our attention to Dr. Angleman
[Buffy raises her hand again]
Professor Maggie Walsh: and save all questions until the end.
Dr. Angelman: Actually, I'm finished.
Professor Maggie Walsh: Oh. Uh, well, Agent Finn, deploy the teams.
Riley Finn: Okay, listen up. We'll be going in a four squad set-up. Team Leaders: Gates, Taggart, and Stavros. Alpha Team, you're with me.
Professor Maggie Walsh: Report for TLs for assignment and weapons requisitions. Reminder: this is a zap-n-trap, people. Capture, not a kill. Any questions?
[sees a raised hand and sighs]
Professor Maggie Walsh: Buffy?

Professor Maggie Walsh: It's a small job. Reconnaissance. Probably a waste of a Slayer's abilities, but my boys are on assignment, so I...
Buffy Summers: No. It's okay. I'm up for some action.
Professor Maggie Walsh: I doubt you'll get any on this one. We have a reading of a class three sub-terrestrial moving through the sewer tunnels just on the edge of town.
Buffy Summers: Class three?
Professor Maggie Walsh: It's a low-level threat. Minimal aggression. Meager defenses.
Commando: Professor Walsh.
[Approaches to hand her a taser rifle]
Professor Maggie Walsh: They barely show up on the scanner and occasionally turn out to be raccoons.
Buffy Summers: [Examining the gun] Wow. You're not crazy about raccoons, huh?
Professor Maggie Walsh: We always take precautions. All we need you to do is get a visual on this thing. This will feed me back an image and I can advise you from there. I don't want to put you in any unnecessary danger.
Buffy Summers: Oh. That's okay. Danger's my birthright... Professor Walsh. There's, uh, there's still some stuff about all this that I'm not clear on.
Professor Maggie Walsh: Well, when you get back, we can have a talk.
Buffy Summers: Good. Okay. When I get back. Am I supposed to salute you?
Professor Maggie Walsh: No.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Nightmares (#1.10)" (1997)
Willow: Why is she so Evita-like?
Buffy: I think it's the hair.
Willow: Weighs heavy on the cerebral cortex.

Joyce Summers: Time to get up for school.
Buffy: [half asleep] Oh, mom...
Joyce Summers: Are you alright?
Buffy: [jumps out of bed] No... yeah, I'm... school, great.
Joyce Summers: You want to go to school?
Buffy: [opens her closet doors] Sure, why not?
Joyce Summers: Okay, good day to buy that lottery ticket... I spoke with your father.
Buffy: [a little concerned] He's coming, right?
Joyce Summers: You're on for this weekend.

Buffy: Are you Billy Palmer?
Billy Palmer: Why do you want to know?
Buffy: Because I want to help you.
Billy Palmer: I'm Billy.
Buffy: Did something bad happen to you last week, after your Kiddie League game?
Billy Palmer: Something bad... I don't remember.
Buffy: Do you remember playing baseball?
Billy Palmer: Uh-huh, I think so. Yeah, I play second base.
Buffy: Are you 'lucky nineteen'?
Billy Palmer: [scared] That's what 'he' calls me.
Buffy: Who?
Billy Palmer: The Ugly Man. He wants to kill me. He hurt that girl.

Buffy: [seeing the Master for the first time] You...
The Master: So this is the Slayer. You're prettier than the last one.
Buffy: This isn't real... you can't be free.
The Master: You still don't understand, do you? I am free because you fear it. Because you fear it, the world is crumbling. You nightmares are made flesh. You have Billy to thank for that.

Buffy: [emerging from the grave] I thought I was dead...
Willow: Buffy, your face...
Buffy: [feeling the transformation] Oh, God, no... no... Don't look at me!
Rupert Giles: [softly] You never told me you dreamt of becoming a vampire.
Buffy: This isn't a dream.
Rupert Giles: No, it's not. But there is a chance that we can make it go away. This is all coming from Billy. He's crossed over from the nightmare world to the waking one, and he's brought his reality with him.
Buffy: He's afraid.
Rupert Giles: If we can wake him, I believe the nightmares will stop. Reality will shift back to the way it was. But we must do it now. Can you hold together long enough to help us?
Buffy: Yes, I can.
Rupert Giles: Thank you.
Buffy: But we'd better hurry. I'm getting hungry.

Buffy: I'm glad you showed up. You see, I'm having a really bad day.
Coach: [as the Ugly Man] Lucky nineteen!
Buffy: Scary. I'll tell you something though. There are a lot scarier things than you. And I'm one of them.

Joyce Summers: It's just... I know the situation's hard, You just always want to remember your father adores you - no more than I do by the way.
Buffy: Thanks and Mom, don't worry. I'm over the divorce. I officially release you from all guilt.
Joyce Summers: That's not what I was getting at. You feel like putting that in writing?

Rupert Giles: I... I can't read.
Buffy: What do you mean? You can read, like three languages.
Rupert Giles: Five, actually, on a normal day. But the words here aren't making sense.

Xander Harris: Ah, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters. Been there.
Buffy Summers: Little blase there, aren't you?
Xander Harris: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Ted (#2.11)" (1997)
Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes. That's why one slays them.
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along and then vampires come and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and everyone's like, "Oh, look! A mini-pizza!" but I'm telling you, I have...
Giles: [interrupting] Buffy, I-I-I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh, text.

Ted Buchanan: So, Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around the block tryin' to get a date with you.
Buffy: Not really.
Willow: Oh, they are. But she's only interested in-
[Buffy elbows her]
Willow: Uh, her studies! Book-cracker Buffy. It's kind of her nickname.

Buffy: Angel's sources say the contract's off.
Xander: How is Angel?
[Buffy and Willow look at him]
Xander: Pretend I care.

Buffy: I mean, so far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite and my mother really likes him.
Alexander "Xander" Harris: What kind of a monster is he?
Buffy: I'm just saying, there's something a little too clean about this clown.
Willow Rosenberg: [laughs] He's a clean clown!
[others stare]
Willow Rosenberg: I have my own fun.

[Cut to Angel's apartment. Buffy is replacing the bandage on his right hand while he lies in his comfy chair]
Buffy: So mom's like, 'Do you think Ted will like this?' and 'This is Ted's favorite show,' and 'Ted's teaching me computers,' and 'Ted said the funniest thing,' and I'm like, 'That's really great, Mom,' and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.
Angel: [looks up at her] So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?
Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.
Buffy, Angel: [She's finished wrapping the bandage and Angel hands her a piece of tape]
Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.
[Buffy takes the tape and puts it on the bandage]
Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.
Angel: [chuckles] Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.
Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?
Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?
Buffy: My dad?
[Angel looks at her]
Buffy: Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?
Angel: [smiles] Kiss me.
Buffy: [smiles] Finally, something I wanna do!
[She leans over him and kisses him lightly on the lips. She gets in his lap and they kiss more passionately]

Willow Rosenberg: What do you mean, check him out?
Buffy: I mean: investigate him. Find out his secrets. Hack into his life.
Alexander "Xander" Harris: Can you say "over-reaction"?
Buffy: Can you say "sucking chest wound"?

Buffy: Will, I'm not wrong here. Ted has a problem with me. He acts like I'm in the way or something. And Mom's been totally different since he's around.
Willow: Different, like happy?
Buffy: Like Stepford.

Willow: But I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it.
Buffy: Yeah. That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will.

Buffy: [sitting and feeling alone in the playground] Here, vampires.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Gift (#5.22)" (2001)
Buffy: Dawn, listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will *always* love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world... is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.

Glory: Wow, the Slayer's a robot. Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?
Buffy: [from behind] Glory.
[attacks her with Olaf's hammer]
Buffy: You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?

[after slaying a vampire in an alley]
Buffy: Wow. Been a long while since I met one who didn't know me.

[Standing before the gang as they prepare to leave to fight evil hell-goddess Glory]
Buffy: Remember: The ritual starts, we all die; and I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn.
[turns and leaves the room]
Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?
Giles: [picking up remaining weapons] We few, we happy few...
Spike: ...we band of buggered.

[as the group ponders how to stop Glory]
Anya: Okay, but I'm still not hearing enough ideas. She's a God, let's think outside the box.
Spike: Why don't you go think outside the bleeding box.
Giles: Yes, Anya. Apart from your incredibly uninfectious enthusiasm have you anything else to contribute?
Anya: The Dagon Sphere.
Giles: Sorry?
Anya: When Buffy first met Glory she found that magical, glowy sphere that was meant to repel Glory. We've got it in the basement. It might drive her away or hurt her. Oh. And Olaf the troll god's enchanted hammer. You wanna fight a god, use the weapon of a god.
Spike: Nah, that thing's too heavy to...
[Buffy easily picks up the hammer]
Spike: Yeah, good.
Buffy: I like this. Thanks.
Anya: Here to help. Wanna live.

[to a vampire in an alley]
Buffy: You ever heard the expression, "biting off more than you can chew?"
[he shakes his head]
Buffy: Okay. Um, how 'bout the expression, "Vampire Slayer?"
Vampire: What the hell you talkin' about?
Buffy: Wow, never heard that one. Okay, how about, "Oh, God, my leg, my leg?"
[he attacks her and she breaks his leg]
Vampire: Oh, God, my leg!
Buffy: See, now we're communicating.

Buffy: Come on. Say it. We're "bloody well" talking about this! Tell me to kill my sister.

Buffy: This is how many apocalypses for us now?
Giles: Oh, uh, well, six at least. Feels like a hundred.
Buffy: I've always stopped them. Always won.
Giles: Yes.
Buffy: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much. But I knew, what was right. I don't have that anymore. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world, if these are the choices. If everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point. I just wish that- I just wish my mom was here.
[pause]
Buffy: The spirit guide told me, that death is my gift. I guess that means a Slayer really is just a killer after all.
Giles: I think you're wrong about that.
Buffy: It doesn't matter. If Dawn dies, I'm done with it. I'm quitting.

Buffy: We're not all gonna make it. You know that.
Spike: Yeah. Hey, always knew I'd go down fightin'.
Buffy: I'm counting on you... to protect her.
Spike: Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I Only Have Eyes for You (#2.19)" (1998)
Xander: He killed a person and killed himself. Those are pretty much two of the dumbest things you could do.
Willow: I know, but... Well, don't you feel kind of bad for them?
Buffy: Sure I feel lousy. For her. He's a murderer and he should pay for it.
Willow: With his life?
Buffy: No, he should be doing sixty years in a prison, breaking rocks and making special friends with Roscoe the Weightlifter.
Xander: Yikes. The quality of mercy is not Buffy.

Angelus: Fun fact about wasps. They have no taste for the undead. Not that a sting would do me any damage, it's just... tonight's special. I wanted to look my best for you.
Buffy: [possessed by the ghost James] You're the only one. The only person I can talk to.
Angelus: Gosh, Buff. That's really pathetic.
Buffy: [faces him] You can't make me disappear just because you say it's over.
Angelus: Actually... I can. In fact...
[Angelus is possessed by the ghost Grace]
Angelus: I just want you to be able to have some kind of normal life. We can never have that, don't you see?
Buffy: I don't give a damn about a normal life! I'm going crazy not seeing you. I think about you every minute.

Buffy: Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.
Willow: Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice.

Principal Snyder: I'm sure you know why I asked you here.
Buffy: To thank me?
Principal Snyder: That's right. I wanna thank you. What would Sunnydale High do without you around to incite mayhem, chaos and disorder?
Buffy: I don't incite! I stopped that boy from killing his girlfriend. Ask him. Ask the janitor.
Principal Snyder: People can be coerced, Summers. I'm no stranger to conspiracy. I saw JFK. I'm a truth seeker. I've got a missing gun and two confused kids on my hands; pieces of the puzzle. And I'm gonna look at all the pieces carefully and rationally, and I'm gonna keep looking until I know exactly how this is all your fault.
Intercom: [interrupts] Mr. Snyder, Billy Crandle chained himself to the snack machine, again.
Principal Snyder: Pathetic little no-life vegan.

Xander: I'll have you know I was just accosted by some kind of, um, locker monster.
Rupert Giles: Loch Ness Monster?
Buffy: *Locker* monster is what he said.

Buffy: What do we know?
Xander: Dog spit is cleaner than human.

Rupert Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's-it's... it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it.
Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with.
Xander: He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.
[Buffy leaves the room]
Cordelia Chase: Okay. Over-identify much?

Rupert Giles: Ooh! Sounds like paranormal phenomena.
Willow: A ghost? Cool!
Xander: Oh, no, no, no. No cool. This was no wimpy chain-rattler. This was, 'I'm dead as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.'
Rupert Giles: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning!
Buffy: So we have some bad boo on our hands?
Rupert Giles: Yes.
Willow: Well, why is it here? Does it just wanna scare people?
Rupert Giles: Unfortunately he doesn't know exactly what he wants. That's-that's the trouble. See, uh, many times, the spirit is plagued by all manner worldly troubles. Being dead, it has no way to-to-to make its peace. So it-it lashes out, growing ever more confused, ever more angry.
Buffy: So it's the normal teenager... only dead.
Willow: Well, what can we do? Is there any way to stop it?
Rupert Giles: Well, the only tried and true way is to work out what unresolved issues keep it here and-and-and-and, um, resolve them.
Buffy: Fabulous. Now we're Dr. Laura for the deceased.
Rupert Giles: Only if we can find out who the spirit is... or was.

Fighting Boy: What happened?
Buffy: What happened? You just went O.J. on your girlfriend!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: When She Was Bad (#2.1)" (1997)
Angel: Why are you riding me?
Buffy: Because I don't trust you. You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?

Buffy: [to Cordelia] Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it, this is never good.

Cordelia: You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?

Buffy: Hi.
Angel: Hi.
Buffy: So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware?
Angel: I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like.
Buffy: I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from.
Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us?
Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.

Buffy: [reading] Come to The Bronze before it opens or we make her a meal.
Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? I'll pretend I didn't say that.

Absalom: Your day is done, girl. I'll grind you into a sticky paste. And hear you beg before I smash in your face.
Buffy: So, are you gonna kill me? Or are we just making small talk?

Angel: We need you to distract the vampires.
Buffy: Right.
Xander: What are you gonna do?
Buffy: I'm gonna kill them all. That oughta distract 'em.

Buffy: [wakes from her nightmare and sees Angel] Hello.
Angel: Mind if I come in?
Buffy: Be my guest.
Angel: How are you?
Buffy: Peachy. So, is this a social call? It is kinda late. Or, well, it is for me, anyway. What is it for you, lunch hour?
Angel: It's not a social call.
Buffy: Ah. So, lemme guess. That means grave danger. Gosh, it's good to be home.
Angel: I'm sorry. I wish I had better news.
Buffy: So, some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu!
Angel: The Anointed One. He's been gathering forces somewhere in town. I'm not sure why.
Buffy: Guess I'll find out soon enough, huh?
Angel: You don't sound too concerned.
Buffy: I can handle myself. Besides, I could use a little action anyway.
Angel: Don't underestimate the Anointed One just because he looks like a child. He has power over the rest of them. They'll do anything for him.
Buffy: Is that it? Is that everything? Y'know, 'cause you woke me up from a really good dream.
[she turns away from him and lies back down]
Angel: Sorry. I'll go.
[pauses]
Angel: I missed you.
Buffy: [turns to the window] I missed you?
[Angel is already gone]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Passion (#2.17)" (1998)
Willow: [nailing crosses around her windows] I'm gonna have a hard time explaining this to my dad.
Buffy: You really think it'll bother him?
Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go over to Xander's house just to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas every year.
Buffy: I see your point.
Willow: Although it is worthwhile to see him do the Snoopy dance.

Buffy: When I woke up, I found a picture he'd left me on my pillow.
Xander Harris: A visit from the pointed-tooth fairy.

Buffy: Giles, there has to be some sort of spell to reverse the invitation, right? Like a barrier; a no shoes, no pulse, no service kind of thing.

Buffy: It's so weird... Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew.
Willow: Well, sort of, except...
Buffy: Except what?
Willow: You're still the only thing he thinks about.

Buffy: I can't hold on to the past anymore. Angel is gone. Nothing's ever gonna bring him back.

Giles: In my years as... Watcher... I've buried too many people. But Jenny was the first I've loved.
Buffy: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't kill him for you... for her... when I had the chance. I wasn't ready. But I think I finally am.

Giles: Why did you come here? This wasn't your fight.
Buffy: [Knocking him to the ground with a punch in the face] Are you trying to get yourself killed?
[She begins crying, kneels down, and takes a sobbing Giles into her arms]
Buffy: You can't leave me. I can't do this alone.

[Angel slams against invisible barrier in front of door]
Buffy: Sorry, Angel. Changed the locks.

Willow: [Buffy and her mother have just had "the talk" after Angelus told Joyce that he and Buffy slept together] So was it horrible?
Buffy: It wasn't too horrible.
[the phone rings]
Buffy: Hello?
Giles: Buffy...
Buffy: Giles!
[She begins to tell him they managed to retract Angelus's invitation into the Summers home]
Buffy: Hey, we finished the spe...
Giles: [he cuts her off] Jenny... Ms. Calendar... she's been killed.
Buffy: What?
Giles: It was Angel.
Willow: [a horrified look crosses Buffy's face as she absentmindedly hands the phone to Willow, sliding down onto the kitchen floor] Buffy?
[she grabs the phone]
Willow: Giles?
Giles: Willow, Angel's killed Jenny.
Willow: Really?
[She bursts into tears and puts the phone down]
Willow: No... no! NO!
Joyce Summers: [Running into the room to check on the girls, a sobbing Willow grabs onto her] Willow! My God, Buffy... what's wrong? Has something happened?
[Buffy hangs her head on her knees as Joyce continues to try to comfort Willow. The three of them are unaware that Angelus has been watching them from Buffy's front yard the whole time, a look of voyeuristic pleasure on his face]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: First Date (#7.14)" (2003)
Xander: Guys, guess what happened.
Willow: Buffy got a date!
Xander: No, *I* did!
[looks at Buffy]
Xander: Fine. Way to steal my thunder.
Buffy: Sorry. If it makes you feel better, it's Principal Wood, and I think he's aligned with the First.
Xander: Also like ten years older than you, right?
Willow: Which is like 100 years younger than your type!
Buffy: Yay. Someone who doesn't remember the industrial revolution.

Buffy: Why do you think he asked me out? I mean, he could be interested, right?
Willow: Yeah, sure. You're a frisky vixen.
Buffy: Or, or it could be work-related. Maybe I'm getting promoted for doing such a good job.
[Willow laughs, then notices Buffy's hurt look and looks apologetic]
Willow: Oh, right, that, that makes sense too.
Buffy: Or maybe he knows that I suspect he's up to something, and he's taking me out to kill me.
Willow: Well, you'll have to dress for the ambiguity.

Buffy: On the Hellmouth. All day, every day. That's gotta be like being showered with evil. Only from underneath.
Willow: Not really a shower.
Buffy: A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.

Spike: Heard you got a date.
Buffy: Well, it's unclear. I mean, I have this whole theory about a promotion. Or he's evil.
Spike: Buffy, I'm all right.
Buffy: You don't have to...
Spike: What? Be noble? I'm not. Really, I'm all right. Think I still dream of a crypt for two with a white picket fence? My eyes are clear.
Buffy: Good. I'm glad. Thank you.
Spike: Never much cared for picket fences, anyway. Bloody dangerous.

[Buffy, Spike and Xander enter the house to find the Scoobies waiting up for them. Xander's shirt is wrapped around his waist as a surrogate bandage]
Willow: What happened?
Xander: What do you think happened? Another demon woman was attracted to me. I'm going gay. I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let's gay.
Willow: What?
Xander: You heard me. Just tell me what to do. I'm mentally undressing Scott Bakula right now. That's a start, isn't it?
Andrew Wells: [wistfully] Captain Archer...
Xander: Come on, let's get this gay show on the gay road. Help me out here.
Buffy: What if you just start attracting male demons?
Dawn: Clem always liked you.

Buffy: I don't know. He's good looking. And, he's - he's solid, he's smart, he's normal, so not the wicked energy. Which is nice, 'cause, I don't wanna only be attracted to wicked energy. And - Or, what if he *is* wicked. In which case, is that why I'm attracted to him?
Willow: I'm gonna wait for that sentence to come around again before I jump on.

Principal Robin Wood: Hey, Buffy?
Buffy: Yeah?
Principal Robin Wood: Um, what're you doing tonight?
Buffy: Preparing for tomorrow's counseling sessions.
Principal Robin Wood: No, really.
Buffy: Watching a reality show about a millionaire.
Principal Robin Wood: Well, then, I'd, um, I'd like to take you out to dinner, if that's all right with you. I mean, you don't have to. I'm certainly not saying come to dinner if you enjoy having a job.
[chuckles then stops]
Principal Robin Wood: You know, I may have to make up a little document saying I didn't just say that and have you sign it.
Buffy: Sure. I'd be happy to have dinner with you.
Principal Robin Wood: Great. I'll draw up the paperwork.

Xander Harris: I'm going gay. I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on. Let's gay... Let's get this gay show on the gay road.
Buffy Summers: ...What if you just start attracting male demons?

Spike: Heard you got a date.
Buffy Summers: Well, it's unclear. I mean, I have this whole theory about a promotion. Or he's evil.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Prom (#3.20)" (1999)
Angel: The prom?
Buffy: End of high school, rite of passage thingy. Think cotillion with spiked punch and the electric slide.
Angel: Right.

Angel: You deserve more. You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. You should be with someone who can take you into the light. Someone who can make love to you.
Buffy: I don't care about that.
Angel: You will. And children.
Buffy: Children? Can you say jumping the gun? I kill my goldfish.

Buffy: I always say patrol's not complete without a trip to the stinky sewers.
Angel: I'm sure I saw him come down here.
Buffy: Couldn't we just let this be the vamp that got away? We could say he was this big.
Angel: What can I say? I need closure.

Angel: I'm trying to do what's right here, okay? I'm trying to think with my head instead of my heart.
Buffy: Heart? You have a heart? It isn't even beating.
Angel: Don't.
Buffy: Don't what? Don't love you? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know that I got a choice in that. I'm never gonna change. I can't change. I want my life to be with you.
Angel: I don't.
Buffy: You don't wanna be with me? I can't believe you're breaking up with me.

Willow Rosenberg: So, that's it?
Buffy: That's it. Assuming we survive this Ascension thing, he's gonna leave town.
Willow Rosenberg: Well, he's a fool. He-he's just a big, dumb, jerk person. If you ask me. And-and he's a-a super, maxi-jerk for doing it right before the prom.
Buffy: That's not his fault. He's 243 years old. He doesn't exactly get the prom.
Willow Rosenberg: But, he should. If he...
Buffy: Wil, it's okay. You don't have to make him the bad guy.
Willow Rosenberg: But, that's the best friend's job. Vilifying and grousing.
Buffy: Usually, yeah. But he's right. I mean, I think, maybe in the long run, that he's right.
Willow Rosenberg: Yeah. I think he is. I mean, I tried to hope for the best, but... I'm sorry. Must be horrible.
Buffy: I think horrible is still coming. Right now, it's worse. Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying.
Willow Rosenberg: Oh, Buffy.
Buffy: I can't breathe, Wil. I feel like I can't breathe.

Buffy: No! You guys are going to have a prom. The kind of prom that everyone should have. I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every single person on the face of the Earth to do it.
Xander: Yay?

Giles: You did good work tonight, Buffy.
Buffy: And I got a little toy surprise.
Giles: I had no idea that children en masse could be... gracious.
Buffy: Every now and then, people surprise you.
Giles: [looking past her] Every now and then.

Buffy: Great thing about being the Slayer: kicking ass is comfort food.

Student #3: Bathroom?
[Buffy points]
Student #3: Th-th-tha...
Buffy: You're welcome.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bad Girls (#3.14)" (1999)
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Buffy, you will go to the Gleaves family crypt tonight and fetch the amulet.
Buffy: I will?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [pauses] Are you not used to being given orders?
Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says 'please'. And afterwards I get a cookie.
[she grins at Giles]

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Ah, this is perhaps Faith.
Faith: [eyes him] New Watcher?
Buffy, Rupert Giles: New Watcher.
Faith: Screw that.
[she turns and leaves]
Buffy: [to Giles] Now why didn't I just say that?
Rupert Giles: Eh, Buffy, would you...
Buffy: I'll see if I can get her back.
[to Wesley, snidely]
Buffy: Don't say anything incredibly interesting while I'm gone.
[she walks off]

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Why don't you tell me everything about last night's patrol.
Buffy: Vampires.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Yes?
Buffy: Killed 'em.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I didn't get this job because of my looks.
Buffy: I really, really believe that.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Remember the three key words for any Slayer: Preparation... preparation... preparation.
Buffy: That's one word three times.

Willow Rosenberg: You'll be facing big, hairy danger.
Buffy: Uh, biggest. And, very hairy.

Buffy: Okay. We got ten, maybe twelve bad guys and one big demon in desperate need of a Stair-Master.

Joyce Summers: Some days you just want to wake up and say, to hell with the diet. You want to make waffles? Big Sunday brunch?
Buffy: I'm not really that hungry.
Joyce Summers: What did you and Faith do last night?
Buffy: Nothing. I mean it's not important.
Joyce Summers: Don't worry, I won't meddle in your slaying. Just so long as you're being careful...
Buffy: I am.

Buffy: That's the job. What else can we do?
Faith: Whatever we want! We're slayers, girlfriend. The Chosen Two. Why should we let him take all the fun out of it?
Buffy: That'd be tragic, taking all the fun out of slaying and stabbing and beheading.
Faith: Oh, like you don't dig it.
Buffy: I don't.
Faith: Liar. I've seen you. Tell me staking a vamp doesn't get you a little bit juiced. Say it.
[Faith stops, faces Buffy, folds her arms, and waits. Buffy smiles, hesitates, looks away... ]
Faith: Aah! Can't fool me. The look in your eyes right after a kill. Just get hungry for more.
Buffy: You are way off base.
Faith: Tell me that if you don't get in a good slaying, after a while you start itching for some vamp to show up so you can give him a good...
[makes a stabbing sound and grunts]
Buffy: Again with the grunting. I'm not comfortable with that.
Faith: Hey slaying is what we're built for. If you're not enjoying it, you're doing something wrong.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Teacher's Pet (#1.4)" (1997)
Buffy: No, I'm not saying she craned her neck, we are talking full-on Exorcist twist.

Giles: Dr. Ferris Carlyle spent years transcribing a lost pre-Germanic language. What he discovered he kept to himself until several teenage boys were murdered in the Cotswolds. Then he went hunting for it.
Buffy: It being...
Giles: Uh, he calls her a She-Mantis. This type of creature, the Kleptes-Virgo, or, or virgin-thief, appears in - in many cultures. The Greek sirens, the Celtic sea maidens, who - who tore the living flesh from the bones of, um...
Buffy: Giles, while we're young!

Principal Bob Flutie: You were there. You saw Doctor Gregory didn't you?
Buffy: Um, you mean yesterday in the cafeteria when we found him...
Principal Bob Flutie: Don't say dead, or decapitated, or decomposing. I'd stay away from 'D' words all together.

Buffy: Factoid three: Her fashion sense screams predator.
Willow Rosenberg: It's the shoulder pads.
Buffy: Exactly.

Giles: This computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one-one assumes it is entirely legal?
[Buffy and Willow speak at once]
Buffy: Of course.
Willow Rosenberg: Entirely.
Giles: Right. Wasn't here. Didn't see it. Couldn't have stopped you.

Buffy: [discussing a sighting of Claw] So, I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand - How many things am I afraid of?
Giles: Not many, and not substitute teachers as a rule.

Buffy: Dig this - 'the praying mantis can rotate his head a hundred and eighty degrees while waiting for a meal to wander by... Hah!
[off their looks]
Buffy: Well, come on, guys. Hah!
Willow Rosenberg: Well, Ms. French is sort of big. For a bug.

Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy?
Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: "Fork Guy."
Giles: I think there are too many guys in your life.

Giles: Nothing human can do that.
Buffy: No, nothing human. There are some insects that can. Whatever she is, I'm gonna be ready for her.
Giles: What are you going to do?
Buffy: My homework.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I Was Made to Love You (#5.15)" (2001)
Xander: Robots are the strangest people.
Buffy: No... people are the strangest people. I mean, look at me obsessing about being with someone. It's like... I don't need a guy right now. I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.
Xander: Well, I'll say this, she's a pretty cool person to be alone with.

Giles: And you're certain she was a robot?
Buffy: Absolutely.
Tara: Well, she practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass.

Joyce: Buffy, what do you think? Should I, you know, try to make things romantic, or sorta let him set the pace?
Buffy: Oh, no. Love Doctor Buffy is not in. I'm not qualified to give dating advice. I've had exactly two boyfriends and they both left. Really left. Left town left.

Buffy: [Buffy enters her house and calls for her mom] Hey, flower-gettin' lady, want me to pick Dawn up from school?
[sees Joyce on the living room couch, eyes open, but not moving]
Buffy: Mom? What are you doing?
[still nothing]
Buffy: [quieter] Mom? Mom? Mommy?

Giles: You can't be responsible for what Spike thinks or feels.
Buffy: Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, "Woof. That's the one for me."

Buffy: See, that's my secret to attracting men. You know, it's simple, really. You slap 'em around a bit, you torture 'em, you make their lives a living hell, and...
Xander: Buff...
Buffy: Sure, the nice guys, they'll run away. But, every now and then, you'll come across a real prince of a guy like Spike who gets off on it.

Xander: He can come along any minute.
Buffy: Yeah, and the minute after that, I can terrify him with my alarming strength and remarkable self-involvement.

Giles: Dear God, Buffy, there's only so much I can take. We're gonna have to change the system. A fourteen-year-old's too old to be babysat. And it's-it's not fair on her.
Buffy: What'd she make you do?
Giles: Um, well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
Buffy: [laughing] I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my "fun time Buffy party night" involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window, so if you wanna trade... no... wait... I wouldn't give that memory up for anything.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Beer Bad (#4.5)" (1999)
Buffy: Want beer. Like beer. Beer good.
Xander: Beer bad. Bad, bad beer.

Buffy: [staring and touching the TV] Want people! Where people go?

Xander: I'm the new bartender over at the pub. Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face.
Willow Rosenberg: Aren't you too young to be a bartender?
Xander: Au contraire, mon frère.
Buffy: Mon frère means brother.
Xander: Mon girl-frère. Behold.
[holds up a fake ID]
Willow Rosenberg: I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.
Xander: What gives it away?
Willow Rosenberg: Looking at it.
Xander: Well, no one's gonna see it anyway. Now *I'm* the bartender. I kick people out.

Buffy: I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came... beer.
Willow Rosenberg: Then group sex?
Buffy: Pfft. Gutter-face, no! Just lots and lots of beer.

Buffy: Buffy want beer.

[flicks lighter]
Xander: Rough day? Come on, Buff. Be a lonely drunk.
[flicks lighter again]
Xander: Rough day?
Buffy: Stop flicking at me.
Xander: Work with me here. I'm finally an essential part of your collegey life. No more looking down on the townie.

Xander: And was there a lesson in all this, huh? What did we learn about beer?
Buffy: Foamy!
Xander: Good. Just as long as that's clear.

Buffy: Boy smell nice.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Enemies (#3.17)" (1999)
Angel: You know, I never properly thanked you for sending me to Hell.
Buffy: No...
Angel: Yeah, and I'm just wonderin', where do I start? A card, fruit basket, hmm? Evisceration?

Buffy: I went to Angel's last night, and Faith was there. They looked sort of... intimate.
Willow: No way. I know what you're thinking, and no way.
Buffy: You're right. Faith would never do that.
Willow: Faith would totally do that. Faith was built to do that. She's the "do that" girl.
Buffy: Comfort, remember? Comfort here.
Willow: I mean, please. Does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see... is he breathing?
Buffy: Actually, no.

[Willow remembers something the Watchers didn't]
Buffy: Well, we have a winner.
Xander: And more importantly, two losers.

Buffy: It's down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town.
Rupert Giles: Again, see? No standards. Any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt.

Buffy: I never knew you had so much rage in you.
Faith: What can I say? I'm the world's best actor.
Angel: Second best.

Buffy: Well.
Angel: Well.
Buffy: That was very... artistic.
Angel: Yeah.
Buffy: It wasn't what I expected. I mean, I-I've never actually seen... Well, from the title, I thought it was about food.
Angel: Well, there was food.
Buffy: Right. Th-the-the scene with the... food. So, feel like getting some hot chocolate, or some cold shower?
Angel: I'm sorry. I wanted to take you out somewhere fun. It's been a long time since I've been to the movies. They've changed.
Buffy: A little scary. And a little not, which is also scary. I'm sorry. I-I just don't like getting you worked up like that. We can't actually do any of those things. You'd lose your soul, and besides, I don't even own a kimono.
Angel: Buffy, you don't have to worry about me.
Buffy: I just don't like to rub your nose in it. Suddenly wondering where that expression comes from.
Angel: Look, I-I don't need to see movies to get worked up. Just being around you does that just fine. It doesn't mean that I'm gonna lose control, or that I'm gonna be frustrated around you. It feels nice just to feel.
Buffy: It doesn't drive you crazy when we're close?
Angel: Watch this.
[kisses her]
Angel: See? Safe as houses.
[they kiss again]
Faith: Check out the lust bunnies.
Buffy: Patrol?
[Faith nods]
Angel: The council has you back on active duty?
Faith: Finally. They want us down by Mercer.
Buffy: Okay.
[to Angel]
Buffy: Good night.
Angel: I'll see you soon.
Faith: Don't worry, big guy. Just keepin' her warm for ya.

Angel: You're still my girl?
Buffy Summers: Always.

Angel: Are you still my girl?
Buffy Summers: Always.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Blood Ties (#5.13)" (2001)
Dawn: I just think you're freakin' out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right?
Buffy: Glory is evil. And powerful. And in no way prettier than me.

Dawn: They were talking about me, just like everybody is.
Xander: Again, not so much. In fact, none.
Anya: We were talking about sex. I mean, you know us, sometimes we like to pretend stuff...
Joyce: Um...
Xander: Anya.
Anya: You know, like, say there's a fireman, or a shepherd...
Buffy: You know what? Let's not have this exchange of images right now.

Buffy: Are you okay? Did she hurt you?
Dawn: Why do you care?
Buffy: Because I love you. You're my sister.
Dawn: No I'm not.
Buffy: Yes you are. Look, it's blood. It's Summers blood. It's just like mine. It doesn't matter where you came from, or-or how you got here. You are my sister. There's no way you could annoy me so much if you weren't.

Buffy: If Glory knew that you guys knew where it was... I-I just didn't want to put you in that kind of danger.
Xander: As opposed to the other kind we're always in?

Buffy: How was school today?
Dawn: Um, the usual, big square building filled with boredom and despair.
Buffy: Just how I remember it.

Dawn: [Dawn appears in the living room, dazed, with her arms outstretched and covered in blood] Is this blood?
Buffy: Dawn!
Joyce: Oh, baby!
Buffy: What did you do?
Dawn: This is blood, isn't it? It can't be me. I'm not a key. I'm not a thing
Joyce: Oh, Sweetie, no. Wha-what is this all about?
Dawn: What am I?
[starting to cry]
Dawn: Am I real? Am I anything?

Spike: Oh, yeah. Here it comes. Something goes wrong in your life, blame Spike. Newsflash, Blondie. If kid sis wants to grab a midnight stroll, she'll find a way sooner or later. I just thought she'd be safer with Big Bad lookin' over her shoulder.
Buffy: She shouldn't have found out like that.
Spike: You didn't think you could keep the truth from her forever, did you? Maybe if *you* had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of 'Kick The Spike'.

[Buffy's getting lots of presents]
Buffy: Prezzies!
Willow Rosenberg: See, just what you needed.
Buffy: You are very, very wise. Now gimme, gimme, gimme!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Restless (#4.22)" (2000)
Buffy: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums yes! I mean you and your friends, your whole sex. Throw 'em in the sea for all I care! Throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men with your groping and spitting, all groin, no brain, three billion of you passing around the same worn-out urge. Men! With your... Sales!

Riley Finn: We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffee makers that think.
Buffy: World domination? Is that a good...
Riley Finn: Baby, we're the government. It's what we do.

Soldier: [Xander's dream Apocalypse Now] We gotta keep goin' men. We gotta take that hill. Damn this war.
Rupert Giles: I have to say, I really feel Apocalypse Now is overrated.
Xander Harris: [confused] No, no, it gets better. I remember that it gets better.
Soldier: [in movie] Oh my God. What's happened to my men? Augh!
Buffy Summers: Want some corn?
Xander Harris: Butter flavor?
Buffy Summers: New car smell.
Xander Harris: Cool.

Spike: [In Xander's dream] Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff.
Rupert Giles: Spike's like a son to me.
Xander Harris: That's good. I was into that for a while, but... I got other stuff goin' on. You gotta have something. Gotta be with movin' forward.
Buffy Summers: Like a shark.
Xander Harris: Like a shark with feet and... much less fins.
Spike: And on land.
Rupert Giles: Very good.

Buffy Summers: I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out, and I don't sleep on a bed of bones.

Buffy: [to Willow, in her dream] Your costume is perfect.
[Whispers]
Buffy: Nobody's gonna know the truth. You know, about you.
Willow: Costume?
Buffy: [Pouting] You're already in character! Oh, I shoulda done that!
[Stomps foot]

Riley Finn: Oh yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own Bay of Mutated Pigs is definitely an advantage.
Buffy: [cheery] It's like you're blackmailing the government!
[They look at her]
Buffy: In a... patriotic way.

Buffy Summers: [Buffy's dream, standing outside the bedroom in her house] Faith and I just made that bed.
Tara: For who?
Buffy Summers: I thought you were here to tell me.
[looking back at bed]
Buffy Summers: The guys aren't here, are they? We were gonna hang out and, watch movies t...
Tara: [Interrupting] You lost them.
Buffy Summers: No.
[Looks confused]
Buffy Summers: No. I think they need me to find them.
[Shot of the digital alarm clock next to the bed, showing 7:30 AM]
Buffy Summers: It's so late.
Tara: Oh... that clock's completely wrong. Here.
[Shot of Tara holding out the Tarot card "Manus" - the hands. It has a picture of two hands crossed, one open, the other balled into a fist]
Buffy Summers: I'm never gonna use those.
Tara: You think you know... what's to come... what you are. You haven't even begun.
Buffy Summers: [Buffy frowns] I think I need to go find the others.
Tara: [She leaves. Tara whispers] Be back before dawn.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lovers Walk (#3.8)" (1998)
Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fightin' to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.
Angel: That's right.
Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight and you'll shag and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

Angel: Hey. I was wondering when you were coming.
Buffy: I'm not coming back. We're not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can't fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have. You don't need me to take care of you anymore. So I'm gonna go.
Angel: I don't accept that.
Buffy: You have to.
Angel: How can... There's gotta be some way we can still see each other.
Buffy: There is: Tell me that you don't love me.

Buffy: She saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded.
Giles: I-I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes?

Joyce: You belong in a good old fashioned college with keg parties and boys. Not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.

Spike: Ahhh, my head. I think I'm soberin' up. It's horrible. Ah, God, I wish I was dead.
Buffy: Well, if you close your eyes and wish realy hard...

Spike: This should be a kick.
Buffy: I violently dislike you.

[Dru has broken up with Spike]
Spike: We killed a homeless man on this bench. Me and Dru. Those were good times.
[chuckling]
Spike: You know, he begged for mercy, and, you know, that only made her bite harder.
Buffy: I guess you had to be there.

Angel: [to Spike about Joyce] You touch her, and I'll cut your head off!
Spike: Yeah? You and what army?
[Buffy comes up behind him]
Buffy: That would be me.
[She knocks Spike onto his back on the island and keeps him pinned there by the throat]
Buffy: Angel, why don't you come on in?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Graduation Day: Part 2 (#3.22)" (1999)
Oz: We survived.
Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
Oz: Not the battle. High School.

Buffy: There's something I'm supposed to be doing.
Faith: Oh yeah. Miles to go. Little Miss Muffet counting down from 7-3-0.

Buffy: [watching the Mayor address the school] My God! He's gonna do the entire speech!
Willow: Man, just ascend already.
Buffy: Evil.

Buffy: Faith told me to play on his human weakness.
Willow: Faith told you? Was that before or after you put her in a coma?
Buffy: After.
Willow: Oh.

Buffy: [to Mayor Richard Wilkins] Hey!
[holds up Faith's knife]
Buffy: You remember this? I took it from Faith. Stuck it in her gut. Just slid in her like she was butter. You wanna get it back from me... Dick?

Buffy: My brain isn't really functioning on the higher levels.
[deep breath]
Buffy: It's pretty much: fire bad, tree pretty.
Giles: Understandable. Well, when it's working again, congratulate it on a good campaign. You did very well.
Buffy: Thank you. I will.
Giles: I, ah, I managed to ferret this out of the wreckage. Now, it may not interest you, but...
[reaches into his jacket and pulls out a high school diploma]
Giles: I'd say you earned it.
[takes a deep breath and looks around]
Giles: There's a certain, um, dramatic irony attached to all this, a synchronicity that borders on-on predestination, one might say.
Buffy: Fire bad, tree pretty.
Giles: Yes, sorry. I'll go an tend to Wesley, see if he's still, um, whimpering.

Buffy: You and Xander are gonna have to work together now, can you guys handle that?
Xander: I'm still key guy, right?
Buffy: Right.
Xander: Great. Then Angel, in his non-key-guy capacity, can work with me.
Angel: What fun.
Xander: Hey, key guy still talkin'.

Angel: [about the mayor] Well, he's not crazy about germs.
Cordelia: Of course, that's it. We'll attack him with germs.
Buffy: Great. We'll get him cornered and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No, we'll get a container of Ebola virus and, and, um- Or, it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says Ebola on it and, um, chase him.
[long pause]
Cordelia: With the box.
Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the humus offensive.
Oz: He'll never see it comin'.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Innocence (#2.14)" (1998)
Angelus: You can't do it. You can't kill me.
Buffy: [kicks him in the groin] Give me time.

Angelus: It was a good time. Alright? It doesn't mean like we have to make a big deal.
Buffy: It *is* a big deal.
Angelus: It's what? Bells ringing, fireworks, a dulcet choir of pretty little birdies? Come on, Buffy. It's not like I've never been there before.
Buffy: Don't touch me.
Angelus: I should've known you wouldn't be able to handle it.
Buffy: Angel! I love you.
Angelus: Love you, too.
[turns away]
Angelus: I'll call you.

[Buffy fires a crossbow at the Judge demon]
The Judge: Who dares?
Buffy: Think I got his attention.
The Judge: You're a fool. No weapon forged can stop me.
Buffy: That was then...
[pulls out a rocket launcher]
Buffy: ... this is now.
[Angelus & Drusilla run for cover]
The Judge: What's that do?

[Angelus has just grabbed Willow]
Xander: Don't do that!
Angelus: Oh, I think I do that!
Willow: Angel?
Jenny Calendar: He's not Angel any more. Are you?
Angelus: Wrong. I am Angel... at last!
Xander: Oh, my God.
Angelus: I got a message for Buffy.
[Buffy appears behind Angelus]
Buffy: Why don't you give it to me yourself?
Angelus: Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.

Buffy: Angel, there must be some part of you inside that still remembers who are.
Angelus: Dream on, schoolgirl. Your boyfriend, is dead and you're all gonna join him.

[Buffy doesn't know Angel has lost his soul]
Buffy: You just left.
Angelus: Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.
Buffy: What?
Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.
Buffy: What are you saying?
Angelus: Let's not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened.
Buffy: I-I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?
Angelus: [sarcastically] You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.

Joyce: So what'd you do for your birthday? D'you have fun?
Buffy: I got older.

Rupert Giles: It's not over. I-I-I suppose you know that. He'll come after *you*, particularly. His profile, uh, well, he-he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human.
Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me.
Rupert Giles: No. No, no, I'm not.
Buffy: But this is all my fault.
Rupert Giles: No. I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. A-and I can. I know that you loved him. And... he... has proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months a-are gonna - are gonna be hard... I-I suspect on all of us, but... if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm-I'm not your man. All you will get from me is-is my support. And my respect.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Yoko Factor (#4.20)" (2000)
Riley: I don't know much about Angel, or your relationship with him, but all I ask is, if you're gonna break my heart, do it fast.
Buffy: What? You think that Angel and I...
Riley: Didn't you?
Buffy: No. Of course not. How can you even ask me that?
Riley: I don't know. Xander said...
Buffy: Xander? Oh, he's the deadest man in Deadonia.

Buffy: Sorry you guys, we're on a clock here. Okay, A-Adam was at that cave, so maybe he was there for a reason. I-I-I could - I could go back, scope it out, track him if I have to.
Willow: Right, and then, maybe you'll get lucky, and he'll still be there and he can rip your arms off for you. Buffy, you can't go back alone.
Giles: [drunkenly] You never train with me anymore; he's going to kick your arse.
Buffy: Giles!
Giles: [next drink in hand] Sorry, was that a bit honest?
[not caring]
Giles: Terribly sorry.

[after fighting with Angel in LA]
Buffy: Let me guess. You thought of something else *really* hurtful to say, and, well, you couldn't tell me on the phone, because the funniest part is that look on my face.

Buffy: [to Angel and Riley] Okay, that's enough. I see one more display of testosterone poisoning and I will personally put you both in the hospital.

[after a fight with Willow and Xander]
Buffy: So... I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One and her friends.

Buffy: Are you drunk?
Giles: Yes, quite a bit actually

Buffy: Angel.
Angel: Hi. Can I come in?
Buffy: I guess.
Angel: Uh, I need a little more than that.
Buffy: Oh. Um. Come in.

Buffy: Okay, well, how long before you... uncrypt it?
Willow: Hours. Days maybe. Anyone suggesting months would not be accused of crazy talk.
Giles: Whatever happened to Latin? At least when that made no sense, the church approved.
Buffy: I can't just wait around, Will. The disk is no good to me unless you crack it soon.
Anya: Hey! We worked really hard getting that. Xander delivered clothing.
Giles: Church approved.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Reptile Boy (#2.5)" (1997)
Angel: I knew this was gonna happen.
Buffy: What? What do you think is happening?
Angel: You're 16 years old, I'm 241.
Buffy: I've done the math.
Angel: You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you want.
Buffy: Oh, no, I-I think I do. I want out of this conversation.
Angel: Listen, if we date, you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another.
Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?
Angel: I'm just trying to protect you. This could get out of control.
Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
[Angel grabs her and pulls her close, and she gasps]
Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you... you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.
Buffy: No... when you kiss me, I wanna die.

Buffy: I told one lie. I had one drink.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

[first lines; they're watching television]
Xander Harris: Is she dying?
Buffy: I think she's singing.
Xander Harris: To a telephone in Hindi. Now that's entertainment. Why is she singing?
Willow Rosenberg: She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins. But then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have nowhere to put their big maple... fish thing.
Xander Harris: Uh-huh. Why is she singing?
Buffy: Her lover? I thought that was her chiropractor?
Willow Rosenberg: Because of that thing he did with her feet? No. That was personal.

Willow Rosenberg: You dreamed about Angel again?
Buffy: Third night in a row.
Willow Rosenberg: What did he do in the dream?
Buffy: Stuff.
Willow Rosenberg: Oh! Stuff. Was it one of those vivid dreams where you could feel his lips and smell his hair?
Buffy: It had surround sound. I'm just thinking about him so much lately.
Willow Rosenberg: You two are so right for each other. Except for the, uh...
Buffy: Vampire thing.

Buffy: Well, say it.
Xander Harris: I'm not gonna say it.
Willow Rosenberg: You lied to Giles.
Xander Harris: 'Cause she will.

[Angel is walking up to the table from behind Xander]
Xander Harris: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?
[Angel reaches Xander's side; nonchalantly]
Xander Harris: Hey, man, how ya doin'?
Angel: Buffy.
Buffy: Angel.
Xander Harris: Xander.
Angel: I hear this place, uh, serves coffee. I thought maybe you and I should get some. Sometime. If you want.
Buffy: Yeah. Sometime. I'll let you know.

Buffy: History stumps me. I have a hard enough time remembering what happened last week.
Tom Warner: Ah, nothing happened last week. Don't worry, I was there.

Cordelia Chase: Come on, Richard and his fraternity brother wanna meet you.
Buffy: Well, I don't really wanna meet any fraternity boys.
Cordelia Chase: And if there was a god, don't you think he'd keep it that way?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Goodbye Iowa (#4.14)" (2000)
Adam: I'm a kinematically redundant, bio-mechanical demonoid designed by Maggie Walsh. She called me Adam, and I called her Mother.
Dr. Angleman: Adam, Maggie would want you to stand down.
Adam: Yes, but I seem to have a design flaw. In addition to organic material, I'm equipped with GP2D11 infrared detectors, a harmonic decelerator, plus DC servo.
Buffy: She pieced you together from parts of other demons.
Adam: And man, and machine.

Buffy: So Maggie sends me down into the sewers with one of those Blasto-guns. And the next thing I know, it's raining monsters.
Xander Harris: Hallelujah.
Buffy: And then this gate slams down behind me and I, I try to use the gun but it goes pfft.
Rupert Giles: You're saying that Maggie Walsh set you up?
Buffy: That's exactly what I'm saying. She sent me on a one-way recon.
Spike: Got to hand it to you, Goldilocks - you do have bleeding tragic taste in men. I've got a cousin married to a regurgitating Frovalox demon that's got better instincts than you.
Buffy: What does my taste in men have to do with this?
Spike: You think Riley was out knitting booties for your future offspring while Maggie stringing you up?
Buffy: You guys think Riley had something to do with this?
Rupert Giles: Probably not. But we'd be remiss if we didn't think through all the possibilities.
Buffy: Right. Remiss. No! No, Maggie made sure that he was nowhere around when she sent me on this very special make-Buffy-dead assignment.
Willow Rosenberg: Plus, Riley - he seems like he wouldn't tell a little white lie, let alone a whole bunch of big dirty ones.
Xander Harris: That's why they call it the secret forces, Will, 'cause they kinda keep the whole lying thing to themselves.
Buffy: All I know is that Maggie has it in for me, which means the Initiative has it in for me.
Xander Harris: I'm guessing the mad scientist isn't too keen on the fact that the entire Scooby Gang knows that the Initiative is up to no good.
Buffy: Which brings us back to the not-safe-for-any-of-us concept.
Rupert Giles: What could have happened to make Professor Walsh want to kill you?
Buffy: I don't know. She wasn't keen on the fact that I was asking a lot of questions, that's for sure.
Anya: So you were getting too close to something.
Rupert Giles: Clearly. Although one can only imagine what she'd be so desperate to hide.

Rupert Giles: [waking up after a sleepover] Must we have the noise? My head is splitting!
Willow Rosenberg: Well, look who's Cranky Bear in the morning.
Rupert Giles: Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
Anya: Every time you moved, it made squeaky noises. It was irritating.
Rupert Giles: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.
Buffy: OK, you guys, could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage.

Rupert Giles: She's right. You mustn't blame yourself.
[Buffy climbs off the bed in complete battle mode]
Buffy: I'm not going to. I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon, I want to know where it is. When I find it I'm going to make him pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine.
[Long pause, Willow and Anya look at Buffy in a weird way]
Buffy: That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my Yummy Sushi pajamas.

Buffy: [Watching Wyle E. Coyote get smashed with a wrecking ball] That would never happen.
Willow Rosenberg: Well, no, Buff, that's why they call them cartoons, not documentaries.

Riley Finn: I know something went down. Umph. Tell me.
Buffy: Maggie tried to kill me.
Anya: It didn't work, but they're all upset anyway.

Riley Finn: That's Hostile 17.
Spike: No, I'm just a friend of Xaannderr's. Pfftt. Bugger it. I'm your guy.
Buffy: This is Spike. He's, um... It's a really long story, but he's not bad anymore.
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad, it's just I can't bite anymore. Thanks to you wankers.
Riley Finn: We've been looking all over the place for him - but you've known where's he's been all along.
Buffy: It's not like that.
Riley Finn: Then what is it like? What's he doing here?
Spike: Leaving you swabs to your dramatics, thanks. I've got my stories on the telly for that. By the by. If you're trying to kill her.
[Spike leans back with a big grin and two thumbs up]
Spike: [Spike runs out the door into the sunlight, covering his head and arms with his coat]
Riley Finn: Buffy, what is this? You're hiding an H.S.T.?
Xander Harris: Why don't you just back off and let her ask the questions, Jack? Your boss just tried to make monster food out of her.
Riley Finn: [seeing unfriendly faces all around him] I, I didn't see much, I wasn't there. All I know is that Professor Walsh told me you were dead, but then I saw you on the monitors. This isn't Professor Walsh. There must be something making her act this way. Something, I don't know, controlling her.
Rupert Giles: We think Buffy may have been becoming too inquisitive. That she was getting close to something that Professor Walsh was trying to hide. Do you have any idea what that might be?
Buffy: What about 314? Maybe that's it.
Riley Finn: Maybe she was trying to test you. What if it was only a drill?
Buffy: Then why did she tell you I was dead? Riley, it wasn't a test.
Rupert Giles: See I've heard rumors that the Initiative isn't all that we've been told. That, um, secretly they're working toward some darker purpose, something that might harm us all.
Riley Finn: No! That's - that's not what happens there.
Buffy: Riley!
Riley Finn: I would know!
Buffy: No one is sure of anything, okay? We're just trying to sort it out.
Riley Finn: I can't be here. I'll sort it out on my own.

Buffy: Everybody grab a weapon. We've gotta move.
[Buffy hands Xander an axe and Anya a grappling hook]
Xander Harris: Storm the Initiative. Yeah, let's take on those suckers!
Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
Xander Harris: Oh, thank God.
Rupert Giles: I think perhaps we should talk about this.
Buffy: We need to relocate someplace we're less likely to be found. We need to come up with a plan.
Willow Rosenberg: We could go to my place.
Buffy: The Initiative guys know how close we are. They'll automatically check the places that you hang out. Xander, what about your basement? The guys haven't seen us together that much and there's enough room.
Willow Rosenberg: Ooh! Plus mirrored ball.
Xander Harris: Cool! Come on down and boogie at Xander's hideaway.
Rupert Giles: Absolutely not! I will not squat in that dank hole.
Spike: What, it was good enough for me, but you're above it all?
Rupert Giles: Precisely. Besides, I-I don't see why we can't stay right where we are. Pfft. It's very unlikely that those Initiative boys are going to come round here to look for, uh...
[Riley enters]
Riley Finn: Buffy! God, Buffy, are you ok? What happened?
Buffy: You know?
Xander Harris: I know something went down. Umph. Tell me.
Buffy: Maggie tried to kill me.
Anya: It didn't work, but they're all upset anyway.
Riley Finn: Okay, listen, I need you to go over everything step by step. There has to be, has to be some kind of mistake.
Xander Harris: There was no mistake. And how do you know something happened?
Riley Finn: I was on a mission but I came back and... I'm not sure... Look, let's just keep our heads and not jump to any...
[Riley stops and stares at Spike]
Buffy: What?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Wish (#3.9)" (1998)
Buffy: World is what it is. We fight, we die. Wishing doesn't change that.
Giles: I have to believe in a better world.
Buffy: Go ahead. I have to live in this one.

Xander: But you know what really bugs me? Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake, but I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.
Willow: Darn tootin'.
Xander: And they burst in rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.

Angel: The Master rose. He let me live... to punish me. I kept hopin' maybe you'd come. My destiny...
Buffy: Is this a get-in-my-pants thing? You guys in Sunnydale talk like I'm the second coming.

Angel: What's the plan?
Buffy: [holding a stake] Don't fall on this.

Buffy: I don't play well with others. Now, I'm gonna ask you this once, and then I'm gonna get testy.

Buffy: Okay, that was too close for comfort. Not that slaying's ever comfy, but... you know what I mean.

Giles: [reading] "In order to defeat Anyanka, one must destroy her power center. This should reverse all the wishes she's granted rendering her mortal and powerless again." You see, without her power center, she'll j-just be a-an ordinary woman again. And all of this will be, um, well, different. Well, I'd say that my-my Watcher muscles haven't completely atrophied after all.
Buffy: [sarcastic] Great. What's her power center?
Giles: [checks the book] Um, well, um, uh... It doesn't say.
Buffy: Why don't I just put a stake through her heart?
Giles: She's not a vampire.
Buffy: Yeah, well, you'd be surprised how many things that'll kill.
Giles: I don't want to kill her, Miss Summers. I want to reverse whatever affect she's had on this-this world.
Buffy: You're taking an awful lot on faith here, Jeeves.
Giles: Giles.
Buffy: Kill the bad fairy, destroy the bad fairy's power center, whatever, and all the troubles go away?

Xander: Is it too much to ask for a little backup?
Buffy: I'm here for you Xand. I'm Supporto Gal.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Replacement (#5.3)" (2000)
[Xander is split into two persons that can't exist without each other]
Buffy: If Xander kills himself, he's dead.
[Riley gives her a funny look]
Buffy: You know what I mean.

[there are two Xanders]
Buffy: They're kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

Riley: Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous.
Giles: Toth.
Riley: What?
Buffy: He called you a toth. It's a British expression, it means, like, moron.
Giles: No. Toth is the name of the demon.

Buffy: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from "A" to "Z" - from ax to... zee other ax.

Giles: I said, "Oh, dear Lord."
Buffy: You always say that.
Giles: Well it's always important.

[Buffy is narrating what's wrong with a kung fu movie]
Buffy: Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first, you would get the big guy, like, a flying kick. Then you would take out the little ones - bam, bam! See? Now with the flying kick. From a dead stop. What's powering it, raw enthusiasm?

Buffy Summers: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z - from 'axe' to... 'zee other axe'.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: A New Man (#4.12)" (2000)
Giles: How did you know it was me?
Buffy: Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me.

Professor Maggie Walsh: So, the Slayer!
Buffy: Yeah. That's me.
Professor Maggie Walsh: We thought you were a myth.
Buffy: Well, you were myth-taken

Riley Finn: You're really strong. Like, Spiderman strong.
Buffy: Yeah. But, I don't stick to stuff. But, yeah.

Buffy: [to Giles] Uh-oh, you have but-face.
[Giles looks confused]
Buffy: You look like you're gonna say 'but'.

Buffy: Look, if you've been fighting since you were fifteen, you'd have a hefty resume' too.
Riley Finn: Fifteen?
Buffy: I know "wow." The point is, that, we have different amounts of experience. You know. And plus I do have that whole preternatural experience.
Riley Finn: I've seen. Don't get me wrong. The girls I grew up with could hold their own. But... I'm not even sure I could take you.
Buffy: That all depends on your meaning.

Buffy: I like pancake 'cause they're stackable.
[looks at Willow's plate]
Buffy: Ooo, and waffles 'cause you can put things in the little holes if you wanted to.
Willow Rosenberg: [laughing] You should always have a new boyfriend. You're so much fun right now.

Professor Maggie Walsh: Oh, I'm, heh quite sure of that. And I'm just as sure that we can learn from each other. I'm working on getting you clearance to come into the Initiative. I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here, has killed or captured - how many is it?
Riley Finn: [note of pride] Seventeen. Eleven vampires, six demons.
Buffy: Oh... Wow. I mean, that's... seventeen.
Professor Maggie Walsh: What about you?
Buffy: Me?
Professor Maggie Walsh: How many hostilities would you say you've slain?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Hell's Bells (#6.16)" (2002)
Buffy: You look great, Mr. About To Get Married. You're glowing. Oh, my God. Maybe you're pregnant!

Spike: You meet my friend?
Buffy: No. Not yet. But, she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous.
Spike: Is it working?
Buffy: A little. It doesn't change anything, but i-if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts.
Spike: I'm sorry. Or, good!

Willow Rosenberg: Buffy, it's hideous. Oh my god, Buffy. Look at its arms!
Buffy Summers: I know. But it's my duty.
[Longer shot shows their ugly, venomous-green dresses]
Buffy Summers: I'm... Buffy the bridesmaid.
Willow Rosenberg: Duty-schmuty. I'm supposed to be best man. Shouldn't I be all Marlene Dietrich-y in a dashing tuxedo number?

Buffy: [trying to stall the wedding while Willow searches for Xander] There's just gonna be a little bit of a delay.
Anya: Why? What's wrong?
Buffy: Nothing! Nothing's wrong, i-it's just, um, it's the-the minister. He had, uh, to go and perform an emergency C-section.
Anya: [confused] C-section?
Buffy: [stuttering] Yeah, ya know. He-He's, uh, not-not just a minister, he-he's also a-a doctor. You know, he's half minister, half doctor. He's a-a, uh, minitor. Not, of course, to be confused with a Minotaur, because he's all, you know, manness, doctor minister man. No-no bull parts whatsoever.
Anya: Uh-huh.

Xander: It fit when I picked up the tux. How could it not fit now?
Buffy: It'll fit.
Xander: Aw, man, what if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund? And then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt. Buffy, that can not happen. I must wear das cummerbund!

Mr. Tony Harris: What do ya say we slip in the back room and I show you my...
Buffy: You finish that sentence and I guarantee you won't have anything to show.

Xander: It's dead.
Buffy: Yep.
Willow Rosenberg: Is anyone else waiting for it to go poof? Maybe we can cover it with flowers.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Family (#5.6)" (2000)
Buffy Summers: Nothing like gettin' your ass kicked to... make your ass hurt.

Buffy Summers: [to Mr. Maclay] You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me.
Dawn Summers: And me!
Mr. Maclay: Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls.
Dawn Summers: You don't wanna mess with us.
Buffy Summers: She's a hair-puller.

Tara: [about Spike punching her to see if his chip would go off] He hit my nose!
Willow: [Happily] And it hurt! Uh, him, I mean.
Buffy Summers: [to Mr. Maclay] And that only works on humans.
Tara: [softly, to Willow] I'm not a demon.
Willow: [smiling] You're not a demon.

Anya: [about helping Buffy clear her Residence room] But we just helped her move the stuff in a few days ago...
[turns and sees Buffy]
Anya: ... and it was fun!
Rupert Giles: [Reading a book] People help each other out, Anya. It's one of our strange customs.
Buffy Summers: Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping.
Rupert Giles: Well, I saw myself in more of a... patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling.
[Smiles. Looks to his left, points and scowls]
Rupert Giles: You two, stop that!

Xander Harris: [Trying to think of what to get Tara for her Birthday] Well, candles, maybe, or bath oils of some kind.
Buffy Summers: I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomy's... but, I think I want me to have it.
Rupert Giles: [Comes over] And you are talking about what on earth?
Buffy Summers: Tara's birthday. We're at a loss.
Rupert Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander Harris: Well, we don't really know... the kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Rupert Giles: Bloody well better not! I've got mine already wrapped.

Riley Finn: I squared away the rest of your stuff. Wouldn't even know you ever left.
Buffy Summers: Oh, you're a god. You're like the god of boyfriends.
Riley Finn: Nah, I just like it when you owe me favors.
Buffy Summers: Well, this earns you a big favor. There could be outfits.

Riley Finn: He started it.
Xander Harris: He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might've been Latin.
Rupert Giles: Stop it, or you're going to break something.
Buffy Summers: Or I'm going to break something.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Graduation Day: Part 1 (#3.21)" (1999)
Angel: Are you mad at me for being around too much or for not being around enough?
Buffy: Duh, yes.
Angel: Which?
Buffy: What?
Angel: I don't get you.
Buffy: No, you don't. Not any more.
Angel: Are you just making this harder to make this easier on yourself?
Buffy: Can we stop with the brainteasers? I just wish it was over. Done.
Angel: Huh. It's not that simple. Once the mayor...
Buffy: I know. World in peril and we have to work together. This is my last office romance, I'll tell you that.
Angel: You want me out of your face?
[throws down the box of books and starts to walk away]
Buffy: Isn't it a little hard for you?
Angel: How can you ask me that? Just 'cause I'm not acting like a brat doesn't mean I don't feel anything.
Buffy: It's nice to know what you think of me.
Angel: What do you expect me to say when you just attack?
Buffy: I just can't do this any more. I can't have you in my life when I'm trying to move o...
[Angel gets shot and they both fall to the ground]
Buffy: Angel!

Buffy: Okay, ready?
Angel: Yeah.
Buffy: On 3. 1...
[pulls out arrow]
Angel: Ahh. I knew you were gonna do that.
Giles: Not too much blood here.
Angel: I heal pretty fast. I should be all right.
Buffy: I'm just glad Faith's such a suck shot.
Giles: We're sure it was her?
Buffy: Well, I've narrowed down my list of one suspect.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Fascinating.
Giles: What?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It seems our Mr. Worth headed an expedition in Kauai, digging through old lava beds near a dormant volcano.
Buffy: I'm not fascinated yet.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: He found something underneath. A carcass, buried by an eruption.
Giles: A carcass?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: A very large one. Mr. Worth posits that it might be some heretofore undiscovered dinosaur.
Angel: A demon?
Giles: Well, yes, that would be something that the-the mayor would want to keep a secret. If it's the same kind of demon he's turning into and it's dead, then it means that... well, he's only impervious to harm until the Ascension. In its demon form, it can be killed.
Buffy: Great. So all we need is a million tons of burning lava. We're saved.
Angel: Well, it's a start anyway...
[he tries to stand up]
Buffy: Ok, you have been a real klutz today. You need to...
Angel: Damn.
[he falls to the ground]

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I'm sorry, uh, Lohesh was a four-winged soul killer, am I right? I was given to understand that they're not that fierce. Of all the demons we've faced...
Anya: You've never seen a demon.
Buffy: Uh, excuse me, killing them professionally four years running.
Anya: All the demons that walk the Earth, are tainted, are human hybrids, like vampires. The Ascension means that a human becomes pure demon. They're different.
Giles: Different?
Buffy: How?
Anya: Well, for one thing, they're bigger.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: The Council's orders are to concentrate on the A...
Buffy: Orders? I don't think I'm gonna be taking any more orders. Not from you. Not from them.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: You can't turn your back on the Council.
Buffy: They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [telling Buffy about a new assignment] You will go tonight. Look over his apartment. Anything of note, report back here.
Buffy: I just love it when you take charge, you man, you.

Giles: Faith has you at a disadvantage, Buffy.
Buffy: 'Cause I'm not crazy, or 'cause I don't kill people?
Giles: Both, actually.

Anya: About eight hundred years ago, in the Kaskov valleys above the Urals, there was a sorcerer there who achieved Ascension, became the embodiment of the demon Lohesh. I was there cursing a shepherd who'd been unfaithful. His wife had wished that all his sheep would lie wi...
Buffy: Can we cut back to the chase?
Anya: Oh, sorry. Um, Lohesh was... it-it decimated the village within hours. Maybe three people got out.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Never Leave Me (#7.9)" (2002)
Buffy Summers: How's your guy?
Anya: The weasel wants to sing. He just needs a tune.
Xander Harris: He's primed. I'll be pumping him in no time.
[Buffy and Anya stare at him, and Xander realizes how unintentionally homoerotic that sounded]
Xander Harris: He'll give us information soon.

Buffy Summers: How did you do it? How'd you get your soul back?
Spike: Saw a man about a girl. I went to seek a legend out. Traveled to the other side of the world, made a deal with a demon.
Buffy Summers: Just like that?
Spike: No, not just like that. There was a price. There were trials, torture, pain and suffering... of sorts.
Buffy Summers: Of sorts?
Spike: Well, it's all relative, innit?
Buffy Summers: Meaning?
Spike: Meaning I have come to redefine the words pain and suffering since I fell in love with you.
Buffy Summers: How can you say that?
Spike: Apparently, I just slaughtered half of Sunnydale, pet. I'm not really worried about being polite any more.

Buffy Summers: [about Spike] He-he mentioned something about a song in the cellar. Uh, and he-he changed there, too - I mean, instantly became another person.
Xander Harris: Trigger.
Anya: The horse?
Xander Harris: No, in his head. It's a trigger. It's a brainwashing term. I-It's how the military makes sleeper agents. They, they brainwash operatives and condition them with a specific trigger, like a song, that makes 'em drastically change at a moment's notice.
Willow Rosenberg: Is this left over from your days in the Army?
Xander Harris: No, this is left over from every army movie I've ever seen.

Buffy Summers: This trigger. How do we holster... safety, or... I, I don't know guns. How do we make it stop?
Xander Harris: Well, usually the operative completes his task and either blows his head off or steals a submarine.

[last lines]
Buffy Summers: [as The First] To be honest, I'm getting a little tired of subtle. I think it's about time we brought some authority to our presence. Now, Spike, you wanna see what a real vampire looks like?

Buffy Summers: [Talking about Spike] He's been feasting on humans for weeks. He's having some pretty bad withdrawals. I think we need to get him some blood.
Willow Rosenberg: Do you want me to kill Anya?

Buffy Summers: It's not your fault. You're not the one doing this.
Spike: I already did it. It's already done. You wanna know what I've done to girls Dawn's age? This is me Buffy. You've got to kill me before I get out.
Buffy Summers: We can keep you locked up. Keep you here and we'll figure out...
Spike: Have you ever really asked yourself why you can't do it? Off me? After everything I've done to you, to people around you. It's not love. We both know that.
Buffy Summers: You fought by my side. You've saved lives, you've helped...
Spike: Don't do that. Don't rationalize this into some noble act. 'Cause we both know the truth of it. You like men who hurt you.
Buffy Summers: No.
Spike: You need the pain we cause you. You need the hate. You need it to do your job, to be the Slayer.
Buffy Summers: No. I don't hate like that. Not you, or myself. Not anymore.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Checkpoint (#5.12)" (2001)
Buffy: They're gonna expect me to... to be like a Slayer and, and know stuff, but I'm just me and I don't know anything and they're gonna to go away and they're not gonna tell me how to fight Glory and I'm not gonna be able to protect Dawn.
Giles: Buffy, calm down. The scandal here is not anything you've done wrong, it's the way they're behaving. Holding what they know hostage, with a gun pointed at my bleeding green card no less. It's humiliating.
Buffy: Also smart. They picked the perfect thing. I can't lose you.

Buffy: You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the "Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal." So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary...
Giles: [Coughs] Retroactive.
Buffy: ...to be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will continue my work with the help of my friends...
Lydia: I-I-I... don't want a sword thrown at me, but-but, civilians, I - we're talking about children.
Buffy: We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon.
Anya: Willow's a demon?

Buffy: You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning.
Nigel: This is beyond insolence...
[Buffy throws a sword at him]
Buffy: I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions.
Xander: That was excellent.

Buffy: [about Dawn] She was listening.
Willow: Does it matter? I mean, is she really gonna set the junior high school buzzing with, "Oooh. There's a delegation a-comin'."

Buffy: I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I've finally figured out why. Power. I have it. They don't. This bothers them. Glory came to my home today.
Giles: Buffy, are you...
Buffy: Just to talk. She told me I'm a bug. I'm a flea. She could squash me in a second. Only she didn't. She came into my home, and we talked. We had what, in her warped brain, probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her.

[last lines]
Buffy: Just tell me what kind of demon I'm fighting.
Quentin Travers: Well, that's the thing, you see. Glory isn't a demon.
Buffy: What is she?
Quentin Travers: She's a god.
Buffy: Oh.

Quentin Travers: The boy? No power there.
Buffy: "The boy" has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit.
Willow: That's Riley-speak.
Xander: [proudly] I've clocked field time.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Beneath You (#7.2)" (2002)
Anya: Hands off the merchandise, Spike. You don't get to go there again.
Spike: Please, I've already forgotten about our little time together.
Nancy: I thought you were Xander's ex-girlfriend.
Anya: I am.
Nancy: But you and Spike...
Anya: Had a thing.
Spike: Didn't last.
Nancy: But weren't you Buffy...
Spike: Briefly.
Buffy: Never serious.
Nancy: Is there anyone here that hasn't slept together?
[Spike and Xander look at each other]

[last lines]
Buffy: You got your soul back. How?
Spike: It's what you wanted, right? It's - It's what *you* wanted, right? And - and now everybody's in here, talking. Everything I did, everyone I - and him. And it. The other... the thing... beneath... beneath you. It's here, too. Everybody... they all just tell me go. Go... to hell.
Buffy: Why? Why would you do that?
Spike: Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev- To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness... and everybody will forgive and love. And he will be loved. So everything's okay, right? C-can we rest now? Buffy? Can we rest?

Buffy: This is all you get. I'm listening. Tell me what happened.
Spike: I tried to find it, of course.
Buffy: Find what?
Spike: The spark. The missing - the piece, that fit. That made me fit because you didn't want - I can't. Not with you looking. I dreamed of killing you. I think they were dreams. So weak. Did you make me weak? Thinking of you? Hauling myself, and spilling useless buckets of salt over your- ending. Angel, he should've warned me. Makes a good show of forgetting, but it's here. In me. All the time. The spark. I wanted to give you what you deserve. And I got it. They put the spark in me, and now all it does is burn.
Buffy: Your soul.
Spike: [smiling weakly] Bit worse for lack of use.

Dawn: You guys really need to ease up with the whole dating demons thing.
Buffy: Uh, hello. I'm sorry, wasn't that you having the smooch-a-thon with teen vampire last Halloween?
Dawn: See, this is why I don't want you talking to my friends.

Principal Robin Wood: There's only three things these kids understand: The boot, the bat, and the bastinada.
[laughs at himself, but Buffy doesn't react]
Principal Robin Wood: It's the - It's a - It's a bad joke. It's the bastinada. No one ever knows what that thing is.
Buffy: Wooden rod used to slap the soles of the feet in Turkish prisons, but if made with the correct wood, makes an awesome billy club.

Buffy: I don't know what your game is, Spike, but I know there's something you're not telling me.
Spike: You're right, there is. But, we're not best friends anymore. So, too bad for me. I'm not sharin'. We've been through things, the end of the world and back. I can be useful, 'cause, honestly, I've got nothing better to do. You can make use of me if you want.

Buffy: Spike, have you completely lost your mind?
Spike: Well, yes. Where have you been all night?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Conversations with Dead People (#7.7)" (2002)
Webs: I heard a lot of rumors about you back then. You were all mysterious.
Buffy: I was?
Webs: Well, you were never around. A lot of kids thought you were dating some really old guy, or that you were just heavy religious. Scott Hope said you were gay.
Buffy: What? I dated that ringworm.
Webs: He says that about every girl he breaks up with. And then last year, big surprise, he comes out.
Buffy: Men. Do I know how to pick 'em.

Webs: Oh, my God!
Buffy: Oh, your God, what?
Webs: Oh, well, you know, not my God, because I defy him and all of his works. Does he exist? Is there word on that, by the way?
Buffy: Nothing solid.

Buffy: I just - if you knew what I've done, what I've let myself become. My best friends don't even - You'd laugh, if you heard some of the things I've done to them.
Webs: Buffy, I'm here to kill you, not to judge you.

[to a vampire she went to school with]
Buffy: Yeah, what I really need is emotional therapy from the evil dead.

Buffy: Okay, this is beyond evil, this is insane troll logic.

Buffy: You son of a bitch.
Webs: What?
Buffy: I think I'm gonna kill you just a little bit more than usual.


"Angel: I Will Remember You (#1.8)" (1999)
Buffy: Angel? You okay?
Angel: I feel weird.
Buffy: I know. I do, too. I-I mean, I only came to see you so I could tell you face-to-face not to see me face-to-face anymore. And I know there's a fly in that logic ointment somewhere, but, the next thing I knew, we were being attacked by this Mutant Ninja Demon Thing, and-and then we're on the floor on top of each other, and - It's just really confusing being around you.
Angel: No, I-I meant I felt weird from the demon's blood. It's powerful.
Buffy: Oh. 'Kay. Let's just rewind Buffy's little outburst and pretend it never happened.

Buffy: Oh, boy, I was really jonesing for another heartbreaking sewer talk.

Buffy: [re: the Mohra demon] It was rude. We should go kill it.
Angel: I'm free.

Buffy Summers: Peanut butter, preferably crunchy!
Angel: I got it.
Buffy Summers: The perfect yum. Mmm, this is a dream. You're human for like a minute and already there is cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip in the fridge.

Angel: No need to stir any of this up again.
Cordelia: You don't wanna stir, but if my ex came to town and was all stalking me in the shadows and then left and then he didn't even say hello, I'd be...
Buffy Summers: A little upset. Wouldn't you?

Angel: I went to see the Oracles again. I asked them to change me back.
Buffy: What? Why?
Angel: Because more than ever I know how much I love you.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Band Candy (#3.6)" (1998)
Giles: This is the SATs, Buffy, not connect the dots. Please pay attention. A low score could seriously harm your chances of getting into college.
Buffy: Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off.

[all the adults are acting like teenagers]
Buffy: Principal Snyder?
Principal Snyder: Call me Snyder. Just a last name, like... Barbarino.

Buffy: [upon finding Ethan hiding in a box] Look, a box full of farm-fresh chicken.

Willow: It'll be okay when we get to Giles.
Oz: Of course. I mean, even if he's sixteen, he's still Giles, right? He's probably a pretty together guy.
Willow: Yeah, well...
Oz: What?
Buffy: Giles at sixteen. Less 'together guy,' more 'bad magic, hates the world, ticking time bomb guy.'

Buffy: So Ethan, what are we playing? We're pretty much in a talk or bleed situation. Your call.
Giles: Hit him.
Ethan Rayne: I-I'd just like to point out that this wasn't my idea.
Buffy: Meaning?
Ethan Rayne: I'm subcontracting. It's Trick you want. I'm just helping him collect a tribute, for a demon.
Giles: He's lying. G'on hit him.
Buffy: [to Giles] I don't think he is and shut up.
Giles: You're my Slayer. Go knock his teeth down his thro...
Buffy: Giles!
[to Ethan]
Buffy: What demon?
Ethan Rayne: I don't remember.
[Buffy punches Ethan]
Giles: [punches the air] Yes!

Buffy Summers: [after Joyce has showed Buffy a couple of manacles she had in her back pocket] Never explain this to me.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: This Year's Girl (#4.15)" (2000)
[first lines]
Buffy: They smell good, don't they?
Faith: What?
Buffy: Clean sheets. Like summer.
Faith: I wouldn't know.
Buffy: Right. I forgot.
Faith: I noticed.
Buffy: I wish I could stay, but...
Faith: No, you have to go.
Buffy: It's just with...
Faith: Little sis coming. I know. So much to do before she gets here.

[Xander is examining an Initiative taser rifle]
Xander: So. Here it is. The latest in state-of-the-art combat technology. I gotta say it doesn't look that complicated.
Buffy: So can you repair it?
Xander: Sure. Just as soon as I get my Master's degree in advanced starship technology.
Willow: Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens.
Giles: Uh, I'd like to veto that.
Xander: Second. It's called a blaster, Will. A word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called "the orgasminator", I'd be the first to try your basic button-press approach.

Buffy: Just get the blaster working. That's all the strength I need.
Willow: Are you sure?
Buffy: Why, because ray-guns aren't in the Slayer Handbook? Will, you haven't seen this Adam thing. He's the Terminator without the bashful charm.

[discussing an eviscerated demon they found in the woods]
Buffy: I've never seen anything like that.
Xander: And I can go a long healthy stretch without seeing anything like that again.
Willow: It had to be Adam who killed it. But why?
Buffy: He's studying biology. Human, demon, whatever he can get his hands on and tear apart.
Willow: Wondering what makes things work.
Xander: I really don't wanna be around for the final exam.
Buffy: It's not coming to that. The Initiative created this thing and they can't stop it. But we will.
Xander: Question. Will hiding in a cabin with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?
Buffy: No.
Xander: [to Willow] Told you.

Riley: I've never seen anybody get under your skin this way before. What did she do to you exactly?
Buffy: It's a long story.
Riley: I'm from Iowa. We drive four hours for a high school football game. Try me.

Giles: [after Buffy hung up the phone] What is it?
Buffy: It's Faith. She's awake. She beat someone up, took her clothing and disappeared out of the hospital. No one knows where she is.
Xander: I'd say this qualifies for a "worse timing ever" award.
Willow: What do we do?
Giles: Well, we have to find her.
Willow: What about Adam?
Xander: I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic.
Buffy: Well, Faith's not exactly low-profile girl. I'll patrol and wait for her to make a move.
Giles: And then what?
Willow: Oh! I have an idea. Beat the crap out of her.
[grins]
Xander: Good plan!
Buffy: Good on paper. But we still have a decision to make. Do we hand her over to the cops? They wouldn't know what to do with a Slayer even if they knew we existed.
Willow: What about the Council?
Xander: Been there. Tried that. Not unlike smothering a forest fire with napalm, as I recall.
Giles: Well, the Initiative, they do have, uh, containment facilities.
Xander: One word: evil.
Buffy: There's no way around it. Faith is back and, whether I like it or not, she's my responsibility.
Willow: Yeah, too bad. That was the funnest coma ever.
Buffy: We have no idea where she is. We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling.
Xander: [spitefully] Who she's doing.
Buffy: She could be terrified. Maybe she doesn't even remember? Or-or maybe she does and-and she's sorry and she's alone, hiding somewhere?
Giles: Uh, perhaps there's some form of, uh, rehabilitation we just haven't thought about?
Willow: And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid Plan B.
Buffy: I'm not gonna rule it out. First thing, we need to find her. Then we can take it from there.
Riley: [having listened to all this in bewilderment] Who's Faith?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Out of Mind, Out of Sight (#1.11)" (1997)
Willow: [looking at Marcie Ross' yearbook] 'Have a nice summer', 'Have a nice summer'. This girl had no friends at all.
Giles: Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap.
Buffy: 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say.
Xander: It's the kiss of death.

Buffy: I think I speak for everyone here when I say, 'Huh?'

Giles: I'd have to say you're right.
Buffy: I love it when he says that! Any theories?
Giles: Uh, I'm, uh, it's a bit of a puzzle, really. Um, I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.
Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat.
[no response from the others]
Xander: I'm alone with that one, huh?

Cordelia: Somebody is after me! They just tried to kill Ms. Miller? Uh, she was helping me with my homework. And Mitch! And Harmony? This is all about me! Me, me, me!
Xander: Wow! For once she's right!
Buffy: So you've come to *me* for help.
Cordelia: [nods] Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons... I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.

Cordelia: You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.
Buffy: Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?
Cordelia: Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.

Giles: How exactly do you propose to hunt someone you can't see? You may have to work on listening to people.
Buffy: Very funny.
Giles: I thought so.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dirty Girls (#7.18)" (2003)
Buffy: Looks like an old vineyard.
Kennedy: An evil vineyard, huh.
Spike: Like Falcon Crest.

Faith: He's like Angel?
Spike: No.
Buffy: Sort of.
Spike: I'm nothing like Angel
Buffy: He fights on my side. Which is more than I can say for some of us.

Buffy: I don't have time for your vendetta, but I need you in this fight. I want you on my side.
Principal Robin Wood: Thanks. That-That means a lot.
Buffy: So, we're good?
Principal Robin Wood: Absolutely. You're fired.
Buffy: What?
Principal Robin Wood: Effective immediately.
Buffy: You're firing me? I just refrained from kicking your ass.

[after Xander's speech about Buffy]
Faith: Damn. I never knew you were *that* cool.
Buffy: Well, you always were a little slow.

Buffy: If this place is a trap, we give the signal, you guys come in, guns a-blazing.
Xander Harris: So, what's the signal?
Buffy: I'm thinkin' lots and lots of yelling.

Faith: Whatcha wanna do to her, vamp? Huh? Somethin' like this?
[punches Spike]
Spike: Nice punch you got there. Lemme guess. Leather pants, nice right cross, doe eyes, holier-than-thou glower. You must be Faith.
Faith: Oh, goodie. I'm famous.
Spike: Told you were coming. Bit of a misunderstanding here. I'm...
Faith: Spike. Yeah, we've met before.
Spike: We have? I don't think we-
[Faith kicks him]
Spike: Bloody hell! What're you doing? I'm on your side.
Faith: Yeah? Maybe you haven't heard. I've reformed.
[punches Spike]
Spike: So have I.
[punches Faith]
Spike: I reformed way before you did.
[Faith punches him]
Spike: Stop...
[Faith punches him again]
Spike: hitting...
[punches Faith]
Spike: me! We're on the same side.
Faith: Please. You think I'm stupid?
Spike: Well, yeah.
Faith: You were attacking that girl.
[punches Spike]
Faith: [Buffy punches Faith]
Buffy: Sorry, Faith. I didn't realize that was you.
Faith: It's alright, B. Luckily you still punch like you used to.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Doomed (#4.11)" (2000)
Buffy: I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh."
Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Willow: No, it can't be. We - we've done this already.
Giles: It's the end of the world. Everyone dies. It's rather important, really.
Willow: So what do we do?
Buffy: I stop it.

Giles: It's the end of the world.
Buffy, Willow, Xander: Again?

Giles: [reads] Slick like gall, and gird in moonlight, father of portents and brother to blight...
Buffy: [takes over reading] ... limbs with talons, eyes like knives. Bane to the blameless, theif of lives.

Buffy: I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would've figured it out by now. I'm the Slayer. Slay-er. Chosen One. She-who-hangs-out-a-lot-in-cemeteries? You're kidding. Ask around. Look it up: "Slayer, comma the."

Willow: Well, Porter Dorm is completely blacked out. So, naturally they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: "Aftershock Party".
Buffy: Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the "Somebody Sneezed Party" and the "Day That Ends in 'Y' Party".

Buffy: [in reference to the mausoleums] Big, freaky, cereal boxes of death.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Gone (#6.11)" (2002)
[to the trio after they are turned visible]
Buffy: So you three have, what... banded together to be pains in my ass?
Warren Meers: We're your "arch-nemesises-ses".

Xander: [Buffy is invisible] Sorry! Her clothes are, uh, invisible, too. Buffy, how did this hap- wait a sec, have you been feeling ignored lately?
Buffy: Yeah, ignored. I wish. No, this isn't a Marcie deal. I don't know what happened. I left Main Street after getting my hair cut, and was...
Anya: You cut your hair?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Anya: Really? How short?
Buffy: Um, about up to here. Well-well, if you could see my hand, it's kind of above my shoulders.
Anya: Ahh, that sounds so adorable! I was thinking about getting my hair cut before the wedding...
Xander: Can we get back to freaking out about no-show Buffy? This is serious.

Buffy: [Buffy is invisible] Willow's still a wreck, Dawn's mad at both of us, and the social services lady put me through a wringer. Says she's gonna watch me. I'd like to see her try now.

Spike: Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis, like, um, when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it.
Doris Kroger: I'm sorry, did you say...
Buffy: Crib. Crib. He said crib. You know kids today and their buggin' street slang.

[Social worker finds suspicious bag]
Buffy: You know, I know what that looks like, but I-I swear it's not what it looks like. It's magic weed. It's not mine.

Xander: Hey, Buffy. Where... where are you?
Buffy: At table four, apparently.
Anya: Well, that remains to be seen, like you.
Buffy: Don't strain yourself looking, Xander. I'm Invisible Girl.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bring on the Night (#7.10)" (2002)
Andrew: I'm, I was about to be dead. You saved me.
Buffy: For the time being. But if you don't tell us what we need to know, then I'm gonna offer you to The First on a platter and let him chop you into tiny pieces.
Andrew: The first what?
Anya: The name of the evil thing that pretended to be Warren to get you to kill Jonathan.
Andrew: Oh. Not very ominous-sounding.
Dawn: No, it is if you understand the context.
Andrew: No, an evil name should be like Lex or Voldemort or...
Buffy: Hey! I was intimidating here.
Andrew: Oh, sorry. Um, go ahead.
Buffy: [sighs] Forget it. Where's the seal?

Buffy: Giles, this is bad, isn't it? A new kind of bad.
Giles: Just in time for Christmas.
Buffy: You know, I didn't even realize it was December. Maybe when we get home, we should decorate the rubble.

Buffy: You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. We can't run, can't hide. Can't pretend it's not the end, 'cause it is. Something's always been there to try and destroy the world. We've beaten them back. But, we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First.
Giles: Buffy, um, I-I know you're-you're tired...
Buffy: I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. I'm standing on the mouth of hell and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Well, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now, 'cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them and cut out their hearts one by one until the First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil, and that's us. Any questions?

Buffy: We need more muscle. That's why we need to find Spike.
Anya: Yeah, he'll help. You know, if he's not crazy or off killing people or dead. Or, you know, all of the above.

Willow: Are you sure this thing called itself The First?
Buffy: Pretty sure. It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else.
Anya: Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad, baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?"
[everyone stares at her]
Anya: Or terrified. Whatever.
Buffy: It wasn't a line.

Andrew: I'm telling you that my spider-sense is tingling. This is gonna get hairy. I'm talking weird with a beard. Better untie me.
Buffy: And that'll help us, how?
Andrew: OK, I know what you're thinking: Andrew - bad guy. You think I'm a super-villain like Dr. Doom or Apocalypse or-or The Riddler. But I admit I went over to the dark side, but just to pick up a few things, a-and now I'm back. I've learned. I'm good again.
Buffy: And when were you good before?
Andrew: OK, technically, never. Touché. But I'm like Vader in the last 5 minutes of Jedi with redemptive powers minus a redemptive struggle of epic redemption which chronicles...
[sighs]
Andrew: These ropes itch.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lessons (#7.1)" (2002)
Buffy Summers: It's about power - who's got it, who knows how to use it.

Buffy Summers: Doesn't matter how well prepped you are, or how well armed you are. You're a little girl.
Dawn: Woman.
Buffy Summers: Little woman.
Dawn: I'm taller than you.

Xander Harris: How, exactly, do you *make* cereal?
Buffy Summers: Ah. You put the box near the milk. I saw it on the Food Channel.

Dead Nerd: I think I'd like Dawn to be my girlfriend.
Buffy Summers: Again, wrong sister. I'm the one that dates dead guys.

Buffy Summers: Talisman must've been destroyed.
Dawn: How'd you know it was a talisman?
Buffy Summers: There's always a talisman.

[last lines]
Warren Meers: [as The First] Of course she won't understand, Sparky. I'm beyond her understanding. She's a girl with sugar and spice and everything useless, unless you're baking. I'm more than that, more than flesh...
Glory: [as The First] More than blood. I'm, you know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me. Oh, my name will be on everyone's lips, assuming their lips haven't been torn off. But not just yet. That's alright, though.
Adam: [as The First] I can be patient. Everything is well within parameters. She's exactly where I want her to be. And so are you, Number 17. You're right where you belong.
Mayor Richard Wilkins: [as The First] So what'd ya think? You'd get your soul back and everything'd be Jim-Dandy? Soul's slippery than a greased weasel. Why do you think I sold mine? Well, you probably thought that you'd be your own man, and I respect that.
Drusilla: [as The First] But you never will. You'll always be mine. You'll always be in the dark with me, singing our little songs. You like our little songs, don't you? You've always liked them, right from the beginning. And that's where we're going.
The Master: [as The First] Right back to the beginning. Not the Bang, not the Word, the true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride, and I think we're all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You'll learn you're a pathetic schmuck, if it hasn't sunk in already. Look at you, trying to do what's right, just like her. You still don't get it. It's not about right, not about wrong.
Buffy Summers: [as The First] It's about power.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Triangle (#5.11)" (2001)
Spike: I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. I mean, look at all these lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Knew you wouldn't like it.
Buffy: You want credit for not feeding off bleeding disaster victims?
Spike: Well, yeah.
Buffy: You're disgusting.
Spike: What's it take?

Olaf the Troll: You... told the witch to do that, Anyanka. You seem determined to put an end to all my fun. Just like you always did when we were dating!
[Buffy, Willow, Xander, Tara and Spike look at Anya in disbelief]
Anya: Uh, um...
Xander Harris: You dated him?
Buffy: You dated a troll?
Willow: And we're what, surprised by this?

Rupert Giles: The resources that the Watchers Council have at their disposal... I mean, the central library alone is...
Buffy: Don't talk about the books again. You get all... And sometimes there's drool.

Xander Harris: So, how goes the slaying?
Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander Harris: In any other room, a frightening declaration, here a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
Buffy: Pretty standard, vampire staking. Oh, but I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple.
Xander Harris: Okay, now we're back to frightening.

Willow: I wish Buffy was here!
Buffy: [enters the room] I'm here!
Willow: I wish I had a million dollars!
[everyone stares at her]
Willow: Just checking.

Tara Maclay: Is it that bad?
Buffy: Sort of, but I'm starting to get perspective on the whole situation. You know, maybe Riley's... where he's supposed to be. You know, maybe he needed... to be where he was needed.
Tara Maclay: Willow says that things always happen for a reason.
Buffy: But you ever notice people only say that about bad things?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Smashed (#6.9)" (2001)
Spike: So you wanna jump right to the kissing, then, eh?
Buffy: I am not kissing you, Spike. Once was...
Spike: Twice.

Buffy: Oh, Tara, hey- Amy?
Amy: The whole school. By a giant snake thing. Okay, still adjusting. Hi Buffy.
Buffy: Hi. How've ya been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead.
Amy: Oh.

Spike: You'd think if the government was gonna put a chip in my head, they'd at least make it so that I could attack criminals and that sort.
Buffy: Yes, because muggers deserve to be eaten. You'll just have to get your rocks off fightin' demons.
Spike: [looking at her suggestively] There are other ways.
Buffy: And to that, an extreme "See you later."

Spike: You're a tease, you know that slayer? Get a fella's motor revin', let the tension marinate a couple of days, then bam- Crown yourself the ice queen.
Buffy: Need a few more metaphors for that little mix?

Spike: Oh, poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love.
Buffy: Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot. Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes.
Spike: I'm in love with you.
Buffy: You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?
Spike: Hello. Vampire. I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side. What's your excuse?

Buffy: [answers phone] Hello, Magic Box.
Spike: [deep voice] Slayer.
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: [deep voice] Meet me at the cemetery. Twenty minutes. Come alone.
Buffy: Spike?
Spike: [mutters under breath] Bloody hell.
[normal voice]
Spike: Yes, it's me.
Buffy: You're calling me on the phone?
Spike: Just be there.
Buffy: Why? Are you helping again?
[loud enough for Xander and Anya to hear]
Buffy: You have a lead on this frost monster thingy?
Spike: Something like that, yeah. Thought you might be up for a little grunt work.
Buffy: What?
[whispering]
Buffy: No, no grunting.
Spike: [pause] I was talking shop, love, but if you've got other ideas. You. Me. Cozy little tomb with a view.
[Buffy hangs up quickly]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Becoming: Part 1 (#2.21)" (1998)
Angelus: Hello, lover. I wasn't sure you'd come.
Buffy: After your immolation-o-gram? Come on, I had to show. Shouldn't you be out destroying the world right now, pulling the sword out of Al Franken or whatever his name is?
Angelus: There's time enough. I wanted to say goodbye first. You are the one thing in this dimension I will miss.
Buffy: This is a beautiful moment we're having. Can we please fight?
Angelus: I didn't come here to fight.
Buffy: No?
Angelus: Gosh, I-I was hoping we can get back together. What do you think? Do we have a shot? Alright. We'll fight.

Kendra: In case the curse does not succeed, this is my lucky stake. I have killed many vampires with it. I call it Mr. Pointy.
Buffy: You named your stake?
Kendra: Yes.
Buffy: Remind me to get you a stuffed animal.

Buffy: I want you to get a message to Angel for me. Tell him I'm done waiting. I'm taking the fight to him. You got that? Need me to write it down for ya?

[Xander has reenacted Buffy's slaying with fish sticks]
Buffy: That's exactly how it happened.
Oz: Well, I thought it was riveting. Uh, I was a little unclear about some of the themes.
Buffy: The theme is Angel's too much of a coward to take me on face-to-face.
Xander: And the other theme was 'Buy American', but it, uh, got kind of buried.

Principal Snyder: This isn't an orgy, people, it's a classroom.
Buffy: Yeah, where they teach lunch.

Buffy: Wah! This doesn't make any sense!
Willow Rosenberg: Oh, sure it does, see... Oh, no, this doesn't make any sense.
Buffy: It's senseless!
Willow Rosenberg: It is, but, at least you know that, so, you're learning.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Him (#7.6)" (2002)
Buffy: Willow, you're a gay woman... and *he* isn't.
Willow: This isn't about his physical presence, it's about his heart.
Anya: His physical presence has a penis.
Willow: I can work around it.

Spike: I don't need your mollycoddling.
Buffy: It's not coddling. Now go to your closet.

Buffy: Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slippin' that jacket on just a little bit.
Xander: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.

Buffy: Anna Nicole Smith thinks you look tacky.

[after Dawn screwed up at cheerleader audition, in front of her crush RJ. Dawn sobs in the bathroom at home, with Buffy hopelessly trying to talk to her from outside. Xander comes around the corner]
Xander: Things a lot better, I see.
Buffy: I don't think tonight's gonna be good for videos, Xand.
Xander: Right, with the wailing and the crying. Still better than a cozy evening with Spike. Shall I order a pizza? Don't teens in a snit like pizza?
Dawn Summers: [opens the door again] It is not a snit! I-I finally met him - the guy of my dreams, okay? And I blew it! RJ hates me now.
Buffy: Dawn, what is that?
[notices the torn cheerleading clothes on the floor]
Dawn Summers: Just the end of my life.
[walks out]
Xander: [to Buffy] Remember when she used to have a crush on me? I miss the much cuter "me" crush.

Buffy: [noticing RJ at Bronze] I think that's the guy.
Willow: What guy?
Buffy: The one who, according to Dawn, is the, quote: "smartest, funniest, coolest, hottest, and having the thickest boy eyelashes boy in school," and quote.
Xander: He don't seem so tough.
Willow: [noticing the girl RJ dances intimately with] Check out the fan club.
Xander: Daddy like.
Buffy: What's that shirt made of? Paint?
Willow: [realizing] Buff...
Buffy: Glad Dawnie can't see her precious boyfriend getting all thrusty with some slut-bag hussy...
[the girl turns around, revealing herself to be Dawn. Buffy now also realizes and gets a shocked look on her face]
Buffy: Oh.
Xander: Oh. Oh! No! "Daddy..." No, I wasn't... When I was looking, I wasn't... Oh, God.
Willow: Right there with ya.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Beauty and the Beasts (#3.4)" (1998)
Buffy: We have a marching jazz band?
Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... scary.

Buffy: It's tricky covering a fresh shiner like that. You know what works?
Debbie Foley: What?
Buffy: Don't get hit.

Giles: And time moves quite differently there, so...
Buffy: I remember. So, he would have been down there for hundreds of years?
Giles: Yes.
Buffy: Of torture.

Faith: All men are beasts, Buffy.
Buffy: Okay, I was hoping to not get that cynical till I was at least forty.
Faith: It's not cynical, I mean, it's realistic. Every guy - from Manimal right down to Mr. I-Loved-The-English-Patient has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act - they're all still just in it for the chase.

[Buffy enters the library, with an uncomfortableness in the air]
Buffy: I'm afraid to ask.
Cordelia: Oz ate someone last night.
Willow: [defensively] He did not!

Buffy: Not too crazy? Those are your credentials?
Mr. Platt: Look, Buffy, any person - grownup, shrink, Pope - any person who claims to be totally sane is either lying or not very bright. I mean, everyone has problems. Everybody has demons, right?
Buffy: [averts her eyes] Gotta say I'm with you on that.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Same Time, Same Place (#7.3)" (2002)
[looking at a dead body on Xander's construction site]
Buffy: No skin.
Xander: Tough to look at.
Buffy: And yet my eyes refuse to look away. Stupid eyes.

Dawn Summers: Anything else gone? Uh, eyeballs, toenails, or viscera? That's guts.
Buffy: She knows about viscera. Makes you proud.

[following Spike who's tracking blood]
Xander: We should've put a leash on him.
Buffy: Yes, let's tie ourselves to the crazy vampire.

Dawn Summers: I'm sure there's tons of stuff like this. You know, procedures we can use that don't involve magic spells. Just good, solid detective work. And we can develop a database of tooth impressions and demon skin samples and I could wear high heels more often.
Buffy: Wow, that was so close to being empowered.

[Dawn is paralyzed]
Dawn Summers: [mumbles] I'm really sorry.
Buffy: Oh, it's okay.
Xander: You couldn't help it. It had paralyzing fingernails.
Buffy: Just like you said it would, so, good on you.

Willow: Giles says everything's a part of the earth. This bed, the air, us.
Buffy: Explains why my fingernails get dirty even when I don't do anything.
Willow: Plus, you stuck your thumbs in a demon.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Homecoming (#3.5)" (1998)
Buffy: I just thought, Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, "I was there, I went to high school, I had friends and, for one moment, I got to live in the world." And there'd be proof; proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, I look cute in a tiara.

Xander: Okay, let's not say something we'll, uh, regret later, okay?
Cordelia: You crazy freak.
Buffy: Vapid whore.
Xander: Like that.

Buffy: You really love Xander?
Cordelia: Well, he kinda grows on you, like... a Chia Pet.

Buffy: Ah, it's okay. Gave Cor and I a chance to spend some quality death time.
Cordelia: And we got these free corsages.

Cordelia: [about the corsages] Oh, God, get rid of these things.
Buffy: [to Giles] I need some wet toilet paper.
Cordelia: [sarcastically] Yeah, that'll help.

Cordelia: After all that we've been through tonight, this whole 'who-gets-to-be-Queen-capade' seems pretty...
Buffy: Damn important.
Cordelia: Oh, yeah.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Choices (#3.19)" (1999)
Buffy Summers: I can't believe you got into Oxford.
Willow: It's pretty exciting.
Oz: There's some deep academia there.
Buffy Summers: That's where they make Gileses.
Willow: I know. I could learn and-and have scones.

Xander Harris: Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance?
Cordelia Chase: None of your business. Certainly nowhere near you losers.
Buffy Summers: Okay, you guys. Don't forget to breathe between insults.
Cordelia Chase: I'm sorry, Buffy. This conversation is reserved for those who actually have a future.

[the Mayor has told Buffy and Angel that they could never last]
Buffy Summers: How could he know anything about us?
Angel: Yeah, well, he's evil.
Buffy Summers: Big time. He doesn't even know what a lasting relationship is.
Angel: No.
Buffy Summers: Probably the only lasting relationship he's ever had is... with... evil.
Angel: Yeah.
Buffy Summers: Big, stupid, evil guy. We'll be okay.
Angel: We will.

Buffy Summers: This is your night for suave, Wil. You should get captured more often.

Buffy Summers: [trying to talk Willow out of going to UC Sunnydale for college] There are better schools.
Willow: Sunnydale's not bad. A-and I can design my own curriculum.
Buffy Summers: Ok well, there are safer schools. There are safer prisons.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Touched (#7.20)" (2003)
Spike: No?
Buffy Summers: No.
Spike: You mean no as in "eventually"?
Buffy Summers: You really have problems with that word, don't you?
Spike: You can get them back!
Buffy Summers: Can? Maybe. Should? I'm just so tired.
Spike: They need you!
Buffy Summers: Well, I...
Spike: It's bloody chaos over there without you!
Buffy Summers: It is?
Spike: Yeah! Yeah. It's uh - there's junk. You know, food cartons. Sleeping bags not rolled up. Everyone's very scared and, uh, unkempt.
Buffy Summers: Sounds dire.
Spike: I didn't see a lot. I came, hit Faith a bunch of times, and left.
Buffy Summers: Really? I mean, not that I'm glad, but...
Spike: Oh, you say the word and she's a footnote in history. I'll make it look like a painful accident.
Buffy Summers: That's my problem. I say the word, some girl dies. Every time.

Caleb: You whore!
Buffy Summers: You know, you really should watch your language. Someone didn't know you, they might think you were a woman-hating jerk.

Buffy Summers: [to Spike] Will you just hold me?

Spike: A hundred plus years. And there's only one thing I've ever been sure of: you.
[reaches up to touch her face]
Spike: . Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you. And it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are: you're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy.
Buffy Summers: [through tears] I don't want to be the one.
Spike: I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear.

Buffy Summers: [as the First] You realize what will happen if the slayer and her girls get it, don't you?
Caleb: They won't.
Buffy Summers: [as the First] That's right. They won't, because you're going to kill all of them and everyone they know.
Caleb: Hallelujah.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I, Robot... You, Jane (#1.8)" (1997)
Buffy: [very fast] Does he go here? What's his name? Have you kissed him? What's he like?
Willow Rosenberg: No, Malcolm, no, and very nice.

Xander Harris: I mean, sure he says he's a high school student, but I can say I'm a high school student.
Buffy: You are.
Xander Harris: Okay, but I can also say that I'm an elderly Dutch woman. Get me? I mean, who's to say I'm not if I'm in the elderly Dutch chat room?
Buffy: I get your point. I get your point! Oh, this guy could be anybody. He could be weird, or crazy, or old, or... he could be a circus freak. He's probably a circus freak!
Xander Harris: Yeah, I mean, we read about it all the time. Y'know, people meet on the net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show, horrible ax murder.
Buffy: Willow, ax murdered, by a circus freak... Okay, okay, what do we do?

Jenny Calendar: You here again? You kids really dig the library, don't ya?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander Harris: To read makes our speaking English good.

Buffy Summers: Besides, I can just tell something's wrong. My spider sense is tingling.
Rupert Giles: Your... spider sense?
Buffy Summers: Pop culture reference. Sorry.

[last lines]
Willow Rosenberg: The one boy who truly liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?
Buffy Summers: That doesn't say anything about you.
Willow Rosenberg: I really thought I was really falling...
Buffy Summers: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I moved here turned out to be a vampire.
Xander Harris: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis.
Willow Rosenberg: [smiling] That's true.
Xander Harris: Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth.
Buffy Summers: Let's face it. None of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
Xander Harris: We're doomed!
Buffy Summers: Yeah!
[the three of them laugh half-heartedly, but eventually stop, wondering if that is actually true]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Doublemeat Palace (#6.12)" (2002)
Buffy Summers: What's the deal with Manny the manager? And if I ask him really nice, can I write a children's book called that?

Phillip: You put the beef on the grill, hit the button, then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button, then it beeps. You put it on the bun... there's not a button for that.
Buffy Summers: Repeat until insane.

Buffy Summers: We need to analyze that burger. We need to find out if it used to be people.
Xander Harris: [mouth full of burger] What? People?
Buffy Summers: Xander, you ate the burger?
Xander Harris: Well, first you say it's cat, then you come in, hand me a burger, blah, blah, blah, five minutes later, oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious, human flesh.

Buffy Summers: [storming around Doublemeat Palace] Stop! Stop! Everybody, you have to stop! Stop eating! No, you can't eat this! It's not beef! It's people! The Doublemeat Medley is people! The-the meat layer is definitely people! It's people! It's people! Probably not the chickeny part. But who knows? Who... knows?

Buffy Summers: [serving Spike at her new job] I'm working. Go away.
Spike: Yeah, and you chose to be in the consumer service profession and I'm a consumer.
[suggestively]
Spike: Service me.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Killer in Me (#7.13)" (2003)
Buffy: Giles is off on the retreat.
Spike: Give us all a chance for a breather, eh?
Buffy: From Giles?
Spike: From the constant pitter patter of clomping teenage girlie feet.
Buffy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Spike: Come off it.
Buffy: No, I enjoy my responsibility as mentor, role model, life guide - oh, my God, I cannot believe I have my bathroom all to myself for two whole days.
Spike: It's like a bloody war-zone up there, and not in a good way.
Buffy: Have you seen the kitchen since they've been here?

Buffy: Remember when things used to be nice and boring?
Willow: No.

Buffy: Wil, how much do you know about the chip?
Willow: Spike's chip? Well, I remember trying to dig up stuff back then, but, you know, turns out, when a secret government agency studies vampires and puts chips in their brains that keep them from hurting people, they don't really build web sites.

Buffy: There's gotta be a reason why the chip is going all wonky. Maybe it's related to the trigger. Or maybe it has something to do with the new soul.
Spike: Or maybe I wasn't meant to last this long.
[pause]
Spike: One more thing you and I have in common, eh, pet?
Buffy: Well, we'll fix it. We'll hit serious research mode.
Spike: [interrupting] Good. Try behavior modification software throughout the ages.
Buffy: [sighs] Okay, you're right. Not a book thing.
[pauses, comes to a realization]
Buffy: It's a phone thing.
Spike: Who ya gonna call?
[awkard look from Buffy]
Spike: God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
Buffy: Doubt it.

Spike: What's happening?
General: Miss Summers. Agent Finn reported that you tried to contact him earlier today.
Buffy: I knew it! Government conspiracy.
General: He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We're to provide you anything you need to help with...
[gestures at Spike]
General: ...assface here.
[Buffy and Spike stare at him]
General: Those were his exact words, ma'am.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: No Place Like Home (#5.5)" (2000)
Dawn: I tell you I have this theory? It goes where, you're the one who's not *my* sister. 'Cause mom adopted you from a shoe box full of baby howler monkeys, and never told you 'cause it could hurt your delicate baby feelings.
Buffy: That's your theory?
Dawn: Explains your fashion sense... and smell.

Biker Vamp: I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.
Buffy: And I've always wanted piano lessons. So really, who's surprised we have all this unexpressed rage? But honestly, I think I'm expressing mine better. Tell you what, you find yourself a good anger management class, and I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart.

Dawn: What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend.

Buffy: What are you doing here?
Spike: Look...
Buffy: Five words or less.
Spike: [counts on his fingers] Out for a walk.
[pauses]
Spike: Bitch.

Buffy Summers: Buffy: What are you doing here? Five words or less.
Spike: Spike:
[Counting on his fingers]
Spike: Out. for. a. walk... bitch.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Phases (#2.15)" (1998)
Willow: I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow.
Willow: Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a "meow" before.

Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
Xander: On behalf of my gender: Hey!
Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.

Buffy: You're sure it was a werewolf?
Xander: Well, let's see, um, six feet tall, claws, a big old snout in the middle of his face, like a wolf? Uh, yeah, I'm stickin' with my first guess.

Buffy: Anybody besides Larry fit our werewolf profile?
Willow: There is one name that keeps getting spit out. Aggressive behavior, run-ins with authorities, about a screenful of violent incidents.
Buffy: Okay, most of those were not my fault.

Rupert Giles: Let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy Summers: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dead Things (#6.13)" (2002)
Buffy: [after they've been making love] We missed the bed again.
Spike: Lucky for the bed.
Buffy: Uhh. Ohh.
[She looks at the Oriental carpet which she's draped over herself]
Buffy: Is this a new rug?
Spike: No. It just looks different when you're under it.
Buffy: [laughs] You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up.
Spike: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck.
Buffy: I've been thinking about doing something to my room.
Spike: Yeah?
Buffy: Yeah, I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.
Spike: [chuckles and nuzzles her shoulder] Well, if you want, I can...
[He trails off and frowns at her]
Spike: Are we having a conversation?
Buffy: What? No! No. Maybe.
Spike: Huh.
Spike: What?
Spike: Well, isn't this usually the part where you kick me in the head and run out, virtue fluttering?
Buffy: [not at all displeased] That's the plan. As soon as my legs start working.
Spike: [He chuckles again, then grows serious and strokes her arm with the back of his hand] You were amazing.
Buffy: [For the first time, Buffy looks uncomfortable] You got the job done, yourself.

Buffy: [angrily] What did you do?
Spike: What I had to. I went back and I took care of it. It doesn't matter now. No one will ever find her.
Cop #1: [coming out of the police station] Where'd they find her?
Cop #2: The river. She washed up half a mile from the cemetery.
Spike: Oh, balls.

Buffy: A girl is dead because of me.
Spike: And how many people are alive because of you? How many have you saved? One dead girl doesn't tip the scale.
Buffy: That's all it is to you, isn't it? Just another body.
Spike: Buffy...
[she hits him]
Buffy: You can't understand why this is killing me, can you?
Spike: Why don't you explain it?
[she starts beating him up]
Spike: Come on, that's it, put it on me. Put it all on me. That's my girl.
Buffy: I am not your girl.
[knocks him down and starts pounding him]
Buffy: You don't have a soul. There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside. You can't feel anything real. I could never be your girl.
[she eventually stops beating him]
Spike: You always hurt the one you love, pet.

Spike: [Buffy is anxious to leave after they've spent all night making love, and Spike is peeved] What is this to you, this thing we have?
Buffy: What? We don't have a... thing, we have this. That's all.
Spike: Do you even like me?
Buffy: [placating] Sometimes.
Spike: [He frowns; she looks away] Thought you like what I do to you.
[She doesn't answer. He pulls out a pair of handcuffs and dangles them]
Spike: [very seriously] Do you trust me?
Buffy: [Buffy pauses for a long time, then answers wistfully] Never.

[after hurrying into the Doublemeat Palace]
Tara Maclay: Hey, sorry I'm late.
Buffy: [feeling the boredom] Oh, time has no meaning here.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Surprise (#2.13)" (1998)
Buffy: My boyfriend had a bicentennial.

Angel: Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?
Buffy: I dreamt... I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.
Angel: See my point?

Angel: You still haven't told me what you wanted for your birthday.
Buffy: Surprise me.
Angel: Okay. I will.
Buffy: This is nice. I like seeing you first thing in the morning.
Angel: It's bedtime for me.
Buffy: Well, then I like seeing you at bedtime. Um... Um, heh... Y-you know what I mean.
Angel: I think so. What do you mean?
Buffy: I like seeing you. The part at the end of the night where we say goodbye... It's getting harder.
Angel: Yeah. It is.

Willow: 'I like you at bedtime'? You actually said that?
Buffy: I know, I know.
Willow: Man, that's like... I-I dunno, that's moxie or something.

Buffy: [Buffy and Angel need to escape from Spike and Drusilla's lair] This way.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Help (#7.4)" (2002)
Buffy Summers: Buffy the Vampire Slayer would break down this door.
Xander Harris: And Buffy the Counselor?
Buffy Summers: Waits.

Buffy Summers: Do you know how lame this is? Bored teenage boys tryin' to raise up a demon. Sorry it didn't show. I bet it's 'cause you forgot the boom box playing some heavy metal thing, like Blue Clam Cult? I think that's the key to the raising of lame demons.

Buffy Summers: You have to stick up for yourself, Amanda. You need to show this bully that you're not going to take anymore of his shi...
[stops]
Buffy Summers: Guff. Any guff.

Dawn Summers: She looks...
Buffy Summers: Peaceful.
Dead Woman: I am not peaceful.
Buffy Summers: That, I can help with.
[stakes vampire]
Buffy Summers: I always thought closed caskets were more tasteful anyway.

Principal Robin Wood: Every time there's a threat like this, we do the same dance - inform teachers, search lockers - but we can't, we can't know what's gonna happen, and we can't search their brains. We just-we just do what we can.
Buffy Summers: It's not enough. I need to fix this. I don't usually get a heads-up before somebody dies.
Principal Robin Wood: What do you mean usually?
Buffy Summers: No, No, not since-I mean, I'm sure it's not usual to get a chance to stop something like...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Selfless (#7.5)" (2002)
Buffy: Xander. It's OK. She didn't tell us for a reason. She didn't tell us because she knows what I have to do. I have to kill Anya.

Xander: You think we haven't all seen this before? The part where you just cut us all out? Just step away from everything human and act like you're the law? If you knew what I felt...
Buffy: I killed Angel. Do you even remember that? I would've given up everything I had to be with - I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life and I put a sword through his heart because I had to.
Willow: And that all worked out okay.
Buffy: Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you? Do you remember giving me Willow's message? 'Kick his ass'?
Willow: I never said that...
Xander: [cutting Willow off] This is different.
Buffy: It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point someone has to draw the line and that is always going to be me. You... you get down on me for cutting myself off, but, in the end, the Slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guide book, no all knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.
Xander: There has to be another way.
Buffy: Then please find it.

Buffy: [on phone] Oh, spider demon. Wait. H-Hold on. A-Are you alright? Like, how? Aha, aha. Wait, h - okay, go ahead. No, no, no, no, no. It's all good. Um, I'll get Xander to go. But seriously, you just - W - Ripped out the heart? My god. Hey, did you get that physics class you wanted?

Buffy: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Xander: Hopes? Oh, no, no, no, no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single. I'm a strong, successful male who's giddy at the thought of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future.
Buffy: Strong, successful males say "giddy"?

[after D'Hoffryn has Halfrek killed instead of Anya to restore the lives of her victims]
D'Hoffryn: [hard and angry tone] Who did you think you were dealing with? Did you think it would be that easy to get away?
Anya: Why?
D'Hoffryn: Why? Because you WISHED IT!
Anya: But she was yours.
D'Hoffryn: The way you were mine? Haven't I tough you anything... Anya? Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain!
[Xander angrily is about to rush at D'Hoffryn when Buffy is trying to restrain him from doing so]
Xander: Why you son of a...
Buffy: Xander, no!
D'Hoffryn: [to Buffy] Hold him back, Slayer! Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Flooded (#6.4)" (2001)
[to Dawn]
Buffy: You do research now? Want a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with it?

Willow Rosenberg: Ok, let me make you mad again. Uh, ready? Um, last semester, I slept with Riley!
Buffy: And you know I really doubt it.
Willow Rosenberg: Caught me, big fib... to cover-up the sleazy affair I had with Angel.

Willow Rosenberg: Um, Buffy, I-I know you're still getting back on your feet after...
Buffy: Lying flat on my back?
Willow Rosenberg: Yeah.

Dawn: So what do we do?
Buffy: Easy. We burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus, fire. Pretty.

Anya: If you wanna pay e-every bill here, and every bill coming, and have enough to start a nice college fund for Dawn, start charging.
Buffy: For what?
Anya: Slaying vampires. I mean, you're providing a valuable service to the whole community. I say cash in!
Buffy: Well, that's an idea... *you* would have. Any other suggestions?
Anya: Well, I mean, it's-it's not *so* crazy.
Dawn: Yes it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives.
Anya: Spider-Man does.
Dawn: He does not.
Anya: Does too!
Dawn: Does no- Xander?
Xander: Action is his reward.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Primeval (#4.21)" (2000)
Xander: See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
Buffy Summers: What was I thinking?

[Buffy and Willow hug at the bottom of the elevator after a long talk]
Buffy: Let's promise to never not talk again.
Willow: I promise, I promise.
[Xander touches ground between them. Both girls hug him at once]
Buffy: Xander!
Willow: Oh, wonderful Xander!
Buffy: You know we love you, right?
Willow: We totally do.
Xander: Oh, God. We're gonna die, aren't we?

Buffy Summers: [Buffy and Willow are rope climbing down a shaft] How you doing?
Willow Rosenberg: Super. What was I thinkin', using stairs all this time?

Buffy Summers: This... is not your business. It's mine. You, the Initiative, the boys at the Pentagon - you're all in way over your heads. Messing with primeval forces you have absolutely no comprehension of!
Colonel McNamara: And you do?
Buffy Summers: I'm the Slayer. You're playing on my turf.

Adam: [Fighting Buffy] You can't last much longer.
Buffy: [Under the Enjoining Spell, speaking for the whole group] We can. We are forever.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Real Me (#5.2)" (2000)
Giles: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, no. It's not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty.
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.

Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home.
Dawn: Yeah well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine. I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, that you got Anya hurt, invited a vampire in, got kidnapped...

Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this?
Giles: Why wouldn't I be?
Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they never return. It'll give me focus, help increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.
Buffy: Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored *were* you last year?
Giles: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

Dawn: Touch me and my sister's gonna kill you.
[Cyrus pokes Dawn with his finger; after a moment, he is staked by Buffy]
Buffy: Can't say she didn't warn him.

Buffy: We're going to the magic shop. No school supplies there.
Dawn: Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts.
Dawn: [Buffy stares at her blankly] Jeez, crack a book sometime.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Showtime (#7.11)" (2003)
Buffy: [to Turok-Han] Looks good, doesn't it? They're trapped in here. Terrified. Meat for the beast. And there's nothin' they can do but wait. That's all they've been doing for days, waiting to be picked off, having nightmares about monsters that can't be killed. But I don't believe in that. I always find a way. I am the thing that monsters have nightmares about. And right now you and me are gonna show 'em why. It's time. Welcome to Thunderdome.
Andrew Wells: Two men enter. One man leaves.

Rona: They told me I'd be safe here.
Buffy: Right. Well, you are. I mean, you will be... safer... with me around.
Rona: That's good.
Buffy: Next time you're attacked...
Rona: Whoa, whoa, next time? You sayin' I'm gonna get attacked again?
Buffy: Welcome to the Hellmouth.

[to the Potentials after killing the Ubervamp]
Buffy: See? Dust, just like the rest of 'em. I don't know what's coming next. But I do know it's gonna be just like this; hard, painful. But in the end it's gonna be us. If we all do our parts, believe it, we'll be the ones left standing. Here endeth the lesson.

Spike: [chanting] She will come for me. She will come for me.
Buffy: [as The First] No, I won't.

Buffy: [to Ubervamp] I'm the thing that monsters have nightmares about.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Pack (#1.6)" (1997)
Buffy: I cannot believe that you, of all people, are trying to Scully me.

Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Giles: And, uh, there's a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: And, well, otherwise, all his spare time's spent lounging about with imbeciles?
Buffy: It's bad, isn't it?
Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course, you'll have to kill him.

Xander: Girls!
Buffy: Boy!

Buffy: Okay, now what?
Xander: You took a bath.
Buffy: Yeah, I-I often do, I'm actually known for it.
Xander: That's okay.
Buffy: And the weird behavior award goes to...

Buffy: They didn't hurt him, did they?
Giles: They, uh, ate him.
Buffy: They ate Principal Flutie?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (#2.16)" (1998)
Buffy: Hi, Oz!
Oz: Hi.
Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
Oz: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.

Xander: When are you guys gonna stop makin' fun of me for dating Cordelia?
Buffy: I'm sorry, but never.

Rupert Giles: Might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence even.

Rupert Giles: Valentine's Day. Yes, um, "Angel nails a puppy to the-"
Buffy: Skip it.
Rupert Giles: Ye- but...
Buffy: I don't wanna know. I don't have a puppy. Skip it.

Amy: Are you guys going to the Valentine's Day dance at the Bronze? I think it's gonna be a lot of fun.
Buffy: [to Willow] Go ahead, you know you want to say it.
Willow Rosenberg: My boyfriend's in the band!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Storyteller (#7.16)" (2003)
Buffy: When your blood pours out it might save the world. What do you think about that? Does it buy it all back? Are you redeemed?
Andrew: No.
Buffy: Why not?
Andrew: Because I killed him. Because I-I-I listened to Warren, and I pretended I thought it was him, but I knew-I knew it wasn't. And I killed Jonathan. And now, you're gonna kill me. And I'm-I'm scared, and I'm going to die. And this - this is - this is what Jonathan felt.

Buffy: Are you still filming me? Stop.
Andrew Wells: But it's a valuable record. A-An important document for the ages. "A Slayer in Action."
Buffy: "A Nerd in Pain." Would they like that? 'Cause we could do that.

Principal Robin Wood: You have visions?
Buffy: Sometimes.
Principal Robin Wood: Oh. Well, how do you know that they're not just dreams?
Buffy: You're running to catch the bus naked? That's a dream. Army of vicious vampire creatures? That's a vision. Also, I was awake.
Principal Robin Wood: I bus to where?

Buffy: It's like all the Hellmouth's energy's trying to escape from that one little spot, and it's getting all...
Principal Robin Wood: Focusy.
Buffy: Careful - starting to speak like me now.

Andrew: So, this is my redemption at last? I buy back my bruised soul with the blood of my heart, but-but not enough to kill...
Buffy: Stop! Stop telling stories. Life isn't a story.
Andrew: Sorry, sorry.
Andrew: Shut up. You always do this. You make everything into a story so no one's responsible for anything because they're just following a script.
Buffy: Please don't kill me. Warren said Jonathan would be OK. I trusted him, and I lost my friend.
Buffy: You didn't lose him. You murdered him.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Empty Places (#7.19)" (2003)
Buffy: You sent away the one person that's been watching my back, *again*.
Giles: We're all watching your back.
Buffy: Funny, that's not really what it feels like.

Buffy: [when Caleb threatens to poke out Xander's other eye] Go near Xander again and I will end you.

Anya: You really do think you're better than we are.
Buffy: No, I...
Anya: But we don't know. We don't know if you're actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that's the legacy.
Buffy: I...
Anya: But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say that you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.

Buffy: [to Faith] Don't be afraid to lead them. Whether you wanted it or not, their lives are yours. It's only gonna get harder. Protect them, but lead them.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Two to Go (#6.21)" (2002)
[about to trade blows with evil Willow]
Buffy Summers: Are we really gonna do this?
Willow Rosenberg: Come on, this is a huge deal for me. Six years as a sideman, now I get to be the Slayer.
Buffy Summers: A killer isn't a Slayer. Being the Slayer means something you can't conceive of.
Willow Rosenberg: Oh, Buffy. You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked.
Buffy Summers: Then show me what you got, and I'll show you what a Slayer really is.

Buffy Summers: I don't wanna hurt you.
Willow Rosenberg: [punches Buffy across the room] Not a problem.
Buffy Summers: I said I didn't want to.
[rises and pushes Willow across the room]
Buffy Summers: I didn't say I wouldn't.

[first lines]
Xander: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Anya: Again?
Buffy Summers: Xander, we don't have time to stop.
Xander: I know it's just... what happened back there. The sight... the sounds of it... the smell... Willow did that.
Buffy Summers: I know. That's why we have to keep moving. You heard what she said, "one down".
Anya: She was talking about two to go, right? Jonathan and... what's his face? That other guy...
Buffy Summers: Andrew. They're sitting at the county jail without a clue Willow's coming for them.
Xander: You don't think she's gonna kill them too? She wouldn't. It doesn't make sense. They're not the ones who killed Tara. Warren did that all by himself.
Buffy Summers: Willow's got an addictive personality. She just tasted blood. She could be there already!
Anya: No, she couldn't. A witch at her level... she can only go airborne. It's the thing you saw... it's more flashy, impresses the locals, but it does take longer.
Xander: Longer then what?
Anya: Teleporting.
[in an instant, Anya disappears before them]
Xander: How...? Right... of course. I forgot. Vengeance demon. Well, at least Anya will get there first.
Buffy Summers: I'm counting the ways that can go wrong.

Xander: I'm not worried. Anya can handle herself.
Buffy Summers: Against a dark vengeful Willow? Tonight? Don't be too sure.
Xander: Speaking of going airborne, Willow could be coming down at some point. Back there I agree with you that she was out of her head. Running on grief and magics...
Buffy Summers: That doesn't matter! Willow just killed someone! Killing people changes you. Believe me, I know. Remember what went down with Faith three years ago? This could be a lot worse.
Xander: Well, need I remind you that Warren was a cold-blooded serial killer of women just getting warmed up. You ask me, I still say the bastard had it coming.
Buffy Summers: Maybe. Andrew and Jonathan don't


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Killed by Death (#2.18)" (1998)
Xander: Flowers for m'lady.
Buffy Summers: I think they call those balloons.
Xander: Yeah, stick 'em in water. Maybe they'll grow.

[on how to kill Der Kinderstod]
Buffy Summers: Thought I might try violence.

Buffy Summers: I'll check Backer's office. See if I can find any post-its marked, "Why a monster might want me dead."

Xander Harris: You don't know how to kill this thing.
Buffy Summers: I thought I might try violence.
Xander Harris: Solid call.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Superstar (#4.17)" (2000)
Spike: Oh, look. Jonathan. Taking the little sidekick out for a walk, are we?
Buffy: Shut up, Spike.
Spike: Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Semi-harsh language from Betty. You're feisty when big guy's standing beside you.
[strokes her hair and says seductively]
Spike: Someday, Sweet Slayer, I would love to take you on. See you face the evil alone for once.
[Jonathan slams Spike up against the crypt wall]
Jonathan Levinson: That's enough of the creepy small talk. We're looking for a monster.
Spike: Why would I know about that?
Jonathan Levinson: Every demon in this town's gunning for you right now, so I figure you're probably keeping pretty good track of 'em. Big arms. Mark on its head. Have you seen it?
Spike: No. But then again, I'm probably lying.

Buffy: Anya, when you were a demon, you granted wishes, right?
Anya: Vengeance wishes on ex-boyfriends. I'd wish he was a dog, or ugly, or in love with President McKinley or something.
Buffy: But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That's possible?
Anya: Sure, alternate realities. You could, uh, could have like a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make like a-a freaky world where Jonathan's like some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there!

Buffy: Anya, tell them about the alternate universes.
Anya: Oh, okay. Umm... Say you really like shrimp a lot. Or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp," you'd say to yourself...
Buffy: Stop! You're saying it wrong. I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world, and we're all like his pawns.
Anya: Or prawns.
Buffy: Stop with the shrimp! I am trying to do something here!

Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
Giles: [defensively] No.
[pause]
Giles: Yes. It-it was a gift.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Wrecked (#6.10)" (2001)
Willow: Magic wasn't all great. I won't miss the nosebleeds and the headaches and stuff.
Buffy: There you go.
Willow: Or keeping stinky yak cheese in my bra. Don't ask.

Buffy: You could've killed her. You almost did.
Willow: [crying] I know, I know. I can't stop, Buffy. I've tried, and I can't.
Buffy: You can.
Willow: I can't. I can't. I just...

Buffy: Wil, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't need magic to be special.
Willow: Don't I? I mean, Buffy, who was I? Just some girl. Tara didn't even know that girl.

Buffy: Last night was the most perverse, degrading experience of my life.
Spike: [smiles fondly] Yeah. Me too.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Older and Far Away (#6.14)" (2002)
Willow Rosenberg: See? I-it's a battery-operated back massager. And it's portable so you can take it with you on patrol.
Buffy Summers: Wow.
Willow Rosenberg: It's like, instant gratification for all your little acheys.
[Spike smirks at Buffy]
Buffy Summers: [Blushes] Great! Thanks! Uh, what's next?

[Tara wants to know whether Buffy is okay after having confessed to Tara that she'd been having an affair with Spike]
Tara: So, is, um, Spike coming?
Buffy Summers: No. He may be a chip-head, but he still doesn't play too well with others. Besides, I'm definitely not ready to...
Tara: Come out.
Buffy Summers: Yeah. I'm all stay-inny.

Buffy Summers: [discovering a demon-infected sword] Ooh, shiny.

Buffy Summers: Hey, Mr. Passive-Aggressive Guy. Seriously, you wanna take it down a notch or two in there?
Spike: What, poor dainty Richard can't take a joke?
Buffy Summers: We do not joke about eating people in this house!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Potential (#7.12)" (2003)
Molly: Where'd you live?
Spike: What, you mean before? A crypt, actually, but nicer. A bit more - I don't know if posh is the right word, but it was more like...
Buffy: Comfy.
Kennedy: Excuse me? When did you find it comfy?

Buffy: You're all gonna die. But you knew that already, 'cause that's the cool reward for being human.

[Buffy has just walked in on a very loud argument]
Buffy: I was only gone a couple of hours.
Willow Rosenberg: Buffy.
Buffy: Hey, everybody, look. It's Willow. Perhaps with a blunt weapon of some sort.

Vi: Do they card?
Buffy: Nope. Go ahead. Down all the yak urine shots or pig's blood spritzers you like.
[Buffy and Spike smirk at each other]


"Angel: Sanctuary (#1.19)" (2000)
Buffy: She tried to kill you.
Angel: That was just - That was just a cry for help.
Buffy: A cry for help is when you say "help" in a loud voice.

Buffy: [to Faith] I've lost battles before. But, nobody else has ever made me a victim.

Buffy: I have someone in my life now... that I love. It's not what you and I had. It's very new. You know what makes it new? I trust him. I know him.
Angel: That's great. It's nice... you moved on. I can't. You found someone new. I'm not allowed to, remember? I see you again; it cuts me up inside, and the person I share that with is me. You don't know me anymore, so don't come down here with your great new life and expect me to do things your way. Go home.

Buffy: You hit me!
Angel: Not to go all schoolyard on you, but you hit me first.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Puppet Show (#1.9)" (1997)
[Giles is in charge of the school talent show]
Buffy: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.
Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped.
Buffy: Nah. I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch.
Xander: And mock.
Willow Rosenberg: And laugh.

Buffy: Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit, 'cause that's how stupid I feel saying this.

Buffy: The school talent show. How ever did you finagle such a primo assignment?
Giles: Our new Führer, Mr. Snyder.
Willow Rosenberg: I think they call them 'principals' now.

Willow Rosenberg: I think dummies are cute. You don't?
Buffy: Uuuhhh. They give me the wig. Ever since I was little.
Willow Rosenberg: What happened?
Buffy: I saw a dummy. It gave me the wig. There really wasn't a story there.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Body (#5.16)" (2001)
Anya: I wish that Joyce didn't die. Because she was nice and now we all hurt.
Xander: Anya, ever the wordsmith.
Buffy: Thank you.

Buffy: Was it sudden?
Tara: What?
Buffy: Your mother...
Tara: No. And yes. It's always sudden.

Buffy: She's cold.
911 Operator: The body's cold?
Buffy: No, my mom. Sh-should I make her warm?

Joyce: I think we're just about ready for pie.
Xander: Then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.
Buffy: Xander!
Dawn: Gross
Xander: No, no, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good, and too much goodness...
Joyce: I'm taking it as a compliment.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: After Life (#6.3)" (2001)
Spike: Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment.
Buffy: I was happy. Wherever I was... I was happy... at peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time... didn't mean anything. Nothing had form. But I was still me, you know? And I was warm. And I was loved. And I was finished. Complete. I - I don't understand theology or dimensions, any of it really... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out, by my friends. Everything here is hard and bright and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch. This is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that. Knowing what I've lost. They can never know. Never.

Buffy: How long was I gone?
Spike: Hundred and forty-seven days yesterday. Uh... hundred and forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it? How long was it for you... where you were?
Buffy: Longer.

Buffy: The photographs o-of us. They changed.
Tara Maclay: How did they change?
Buffy: They were dead. I-I mean, we were dead, like, um, dead bodies. But-but then they were okay. So I just, you know, figured it was me. I was going crazy.
Anya: Well, maybe you are going crazy, from hell.
[Willow and Xander look at her incredulously]
Anya: No. You're fine.

Dawn: [of Buffy's bloodied hands] I was gonna fix 'em... I don't know how they got like that.
Spike: I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?
Buffy: Yeah... that's what I had to do.
Spike: Done it myself.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Villains (#6.20)" (2002)
Buffy: [sighing] We need to find Willow.
Xander: Yeah, she's really off the wagon, big-time. Warren's a dead man if she finds him.
Dawn: [bitterly] Good!
Buffy: Dawn, don't say that.
Dawn: Why not? I'd do it myself if I could.
Buffy: Because you don't really feel that way.
Dawn: Yes, I do! And you should too. He killed Tara, and he nearly killed you. He needs to pay!
Xander: [nods with approval] Out of the mouths of babes.
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I'm just saying he's... he's just as bad as any murderous vampire you've sent to dustville.
Buffy: Being a Slayer doesn't give me a license to kill. Warren's human.
Dawn: [scoffs] So?
Buffy: So the human world has its own rules for dealing with people like him.
Xander: Yeah, and we all know how well those rules work.
Buffy: Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. Look... we can't control the universe. If we were supposed to... then the magic wouldn't change Willow the way it does. And... we'd be able to bring Tara back.
Dawn: [quietly] And Mom.
Buffy: There are limits to what we can do. There should be. Willow doesn't wanna believe that. And now she's messing with dark forces that wanna hurt her. All of us.
Xander: I just... I've had blood on my hands all day. Blood from people I love.
Buffy: I know. And now it has to stop. Warren is going to get what he deserves, I promise! But I will not let Willow destroy herself.

Warren Meers: I did wrong; I see that now. I need, I need jail! I need... but you, you don't want this. You're, you're not a bad person, not like me.
Buffy: [still trying to find her] Willow! Don't do it!
Warren Meers: Oh, and when you get caught, you'll lose them too. Your friends. You don't want that. I know you're in pain, but...
Willow Rosenberg: Bored now.
[With a hand gesture, she flays Warren alive]

[Willow has just told Buffy and Xander that Tara was killed by Warren]
Buffy: Willow, please, just stop. We love you, and Tara. But we don't kill humans. It's not the way we fight.
Willow Rosenberg: How can you say that? Tara is dead!
Buffy: I know, I know. And... I can't understand anything. Not what happened, and... and not what you must be going through. Willow, if you do this, you let Warren destroy you, too. Kill him and you become him.
Xander: In any case, you said it yourself, Wil, the magic's too strong. There's no coming back from it.
Willow Rosenberg: I'm not coming back.
Buffy: Wil, please. Please, we'll get through this together.
Willow Rosenberg: No, we won't. Not your way.
Buffy: Please, just... let's go home. We'll talk about what...
Willow Rosenberg: [interupting] No! No more talking. Warren murdered Tara. For that he's going down... for good.
Buffy: Willow, don't! I'm begging you, don't do this!
Willow Rosenberg: It's done!

Buffy: How'd I get here?
Xander: You've got to stop doing this. This dying thing's funny once, maybe twice.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Out of My Mind (#5.4)" (2000)
Buffy Summers: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home.
Spike: It's blood. It's what I do.

[last lines]
Buffy Summers: I'm done. Spike, you're a killer. And I should've done this years ago.
Spike: You know what? Do it. Bloody just do it.
Buffy Summers: What?
Spike: End... my... torment. Seeing you, every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn around. Take me out of a world that has you in it.
[Spike angrily takes off his shirt and throws it to the ground]
Spike: Just kill me.
[Buffy darts in with the stake, but hesitates as Spike flinches. Spike grabs and kisses her; she pulls back, horrified, and he just stares at her in shock]
Buffy Summers: [moves in slowly, grabs him by the head and kisses him] Spike. I want you.
Spike: Buffy, I love you. God, I love you so much.
[Spike wakes up from the dream, bolting upright with a gasp, looking stunned and distressed. Harmony remains asleep by his side]
Spike: Oh, God, no. Please no.

Buffy Summers: It's great.
[to Giles]
Buffy Summers: I-it's all great.
Rupert Giles: Well, you've earned it. Truly.
Buffy Summers: Thank you guys so much. You're like my... fairy godmother and Santa Claus and Q all wrapped up into one... Q from Bond, not Star Trek.

[first lines]
[It's a dark evening. Lamps dimly illuminate the graveyard as Buffy crouches, alert, surveying from atop a crypt. Sensing something, she stands, then leaps down from the crypt and runs, stopping over a fresh grave. Looking down, a pair of arms suddenly jut up from the grave. Not waiting, she stabs her stake through the earth, killing the vampire before it can finish rising from the ground. Nearby, another vampire rapidly escapes his grave. Buffy rushes over and commences battle, ducking its first swing and landing several blows with her fists and feet. Another kick sends the vampire reeling twenty yards away. It stands, but is grabbed and tossed aside by... ]
Buffy Summers: Riley?
Riley Finn: Buffy! What are you doin' here?
Buffy Summers: [implying obviousness] My job.
Riley Finn: Well, I just thought you were in the North sector.
Buffy Summers: Watch out!
[the vampire lunges back at Riley. Riley ducks the blow, kicks the back of its knee, blocks its arm and twists it behind its back. He then hurls it surprisingly high at a nearby crypt, taking its top stonework in the gut before falling to the ground]
Buffy Summers: Nevermind.
[still stunned, Riley punches it once more in the face before staking it in the heart. Another vamp rises. Buffy starts to leap into action when Spike suddenly tackles it]
Buffy Summers: Why do I even bother to show up?
[Spike blocks several blows with martial-arts moves]
Buffy Summers: Spike, what are you doing here?
Spike: Same reason as you and your Cub Scout here, I wager.
[Spike lands four more blows on the latest vamp]
Spike: Wanted a spot of violence before bedtime.
[Spike smiles at his quip, but it doesn't last long as the vamp takes advantage of his distraction, landing a major blow that sends him in a head-over-heels flip, earning Spike a bloody nose. Dazed, Buffy rushes in, pushes Spike aside, and stakes the vamp]
Spike: Phew.
[Buffy turns and gives Spike an out-of-patience look. Spike wipes his nose and sucks the blood off his fingers]
Spike: What? I softened him up.
Buffy Summers: Better keep out of my way, Spike. I'm not going to take this much longer.
Spike: And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting... cunning sweater sets?
Buffy Summers: Would it keep you out of my way?
Riley Finn: She's right. You shouldn't be out here when she's patrolling.
[Buffy gives Riley a look of "You're a fine one to talk."]
Spike: Oh! I saw that. Looks like neither boy is entirely welcome. You should take him home, Slayer. Make him stay there. I've got knitting needles he can borrow.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Unaired Pilot (#1.0)" (1996)
Buffy Summers: I don't suppose you'd be sweeties and attack me one at a time?
Vampire: You watch too many movies.
Buffy Summers: You can never watch too many movies!

Principal Flutie: I don't think you'll have any problem adjusting here, Bunny.
Buffy Summers: Buffy.

Buffy Summers: I'm Buffy. I'm new
[Buffy walks away]
Xander Harris: [to himself] you're new and improved!

Willow Rosenberg: That's a great outfit.
Buffy Summers: Thanks, I'm totally jamming on your dress.
Willow Rosenberg: No, it's dorky. I'm aware that it's dorky.
Buffy Summers: Not a jot, it's lush. Laura Ashley's definitely back.
Willow Rosenberg: You think?
Buffy Summers: She's back and this time it's personal. See they mated her with the home depot guy and that's how we got Martha Stewart


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Harsh Light of Day (#4.3)" (1999)
[Buffy runs into Spike and Harmony at a fraternity party]
Buffy: What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?
Spike: Maybe I dumped her.
Harmony: She left him for a Fungus Demon. That's all he talks about most days.

Buffy: Harmony's a vampire? She must be dying without a reflection.

Willow: [speaking of Parker] He's a poophead.
Buffy: You're right. He's manipulative and shallow, and why doesn't he want me? Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you'd tell me, right?
Willow: I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second.
Buffy: Maybe Parker and I could still work it out. Do you think that we could still work it out?
Willow: I think you're missing something about the whole poophead principle.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Witch (#1.3)" (1997)
Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?

Buffy: You guys don't have to get involved.
Xander Harris: What do you mean? We're a team. Aren't we a team?
Willow Rosenberg: Yeah, you're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes.

Rupert Giles: I assume the, uh, all the spells are reversed. It was my first casting, so... I may have got it wrong.
Buffy: You saved my life! You were a god!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Spiral (#5.20)" (2001)
Willow Rosenberg: Don't hit the horsies!
Buffy Summers: We won't.
[to Giles]
Buffy Summers: Aim for the horsies.

Buffy Summers: Are you sure you're okay?
Dawn: Yeah, b-but Spike's hurt.
Spike: [Buffy examines roughly] Ow! Easy with the delicates.
Buffy Summers: They'll heal.
Spike: Florence bloody Nightingale to the rescue.

Buffy Summers: It's not that simple.
General Gregor: Yes, the key has been transformed, given... breath, life. Yet, this makes no difference. The key is the link. The link must be severed.
[Dawn looks scared]
General Gregor: Such is the will of god.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Life Serial (#6.5)" (2001)
Rupert Giles: Buffy, a word in your ear. Um, if you, uh, think of the store as a-as a library, it'll help you to concentrate on-on service rather than selling.
Buffy Summers: Yes. And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam.
Rupert Giles: [Cleaning his glasses and not really listening] Yes, uh, quite right, yes.

Buffy Summers: [notices the large pile of books] Is this all research, or just some kind of stress test for the table?

Buffy Summers: Tonight sucks. And look at me. Look at - look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and-and-and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And-and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end. And the only person that I can even stand to be around is a... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Initiative (#4.7)" (1999)
Professor Maggie Walsh: You know the rules, you know I hate exceptions, and yet somehow you feel your exception is exceptional.
Willow: Oh, but...
Professor Maggie Walsh: It is. To you. But since I'm neither a freshman nor a narcissist, I have to consider the whole class. If your friend can't respect my schedule, I think it's best he not come back.
[Willow, looking hurt and miserable, walks off]
Buffy Summers: [walks up to Walsh] You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
Professor Maggie Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy Summers: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job.
[walks away]
Professor Maggie Walsh: I like her.
Riley Finn: Really? You don't think she's a little peuliar?

Buffy Summers: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something sluty to wear tonight.

[last lines]
Buffy Summers: Uh, last night... At the party, you wanted to tell me something?
Riley Finn: Oh, yeah. Very important stuff. I don't remember any of it now. But you would have been fascinated, possibly even moved. Did Willow tell you I like cheese?
Buffy Summers: You're a little peculiar.
Riley Finn: [smiles] I can live with that.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Seeing Red (#6.19)" (2002)
Buffy: Just making sure there are no more evil "trio" cameras. Or... evil "uno".
Xander: The sinister yet addictive card game?

Buffy: Is this your bank? 'Cause if not, there's gonna be a fee for that.
Warren: I was wondering when Super Bitch would show up.
Buffy: You really got a problem with strong women, don't you?

Warren: Say good night, bitch.
Buffy: Good night, bitch.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Listening to Fear (#5.9)" (2000)
Buffy: You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to break things by looking at 'em?

Joyce Summers: I bet it's not even hooked up to anything. Just like the push-buttons at the cross-walk that are supposed to make the signal change.
Buffy: I'm sure someone's on- Wait, the push-buttons aren't hooked up to anything?

[Visiting Joyce Summers in the hospital, Dawn helps herself to the Jello on Joyce's lunch tray]
Dawn Summers: It's good and wiggly. This girl at school told me that gelatin is made from ground-up cows' feet, and that if you eat Jello there's some cows out limping with no feet.
[Joyce and Buffy grimace]
Dawn Summers: But I told her I'm sure they kill 'em before they take off their feet.
[Apprehension dawns]
Dawn Summers: Right?
Buffy: [to Joyce] You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Tough Love (#5.19)" (2001)
Buffy: She was looking to go all payback-y on Glory for a minute, but I cooled her down a little. Actually a lot.
Spike: So, she's not gonna do anything rash then.
Buffy: No. I explained there was no point.
Spike: Mm-hmm.
Buffy: What?
Spike: You... so you're saying that a powerful and mightily pissed off witch was planning on going and spilling herself a few pints of god blood until you, what..."explained"?
Buffy: You think she...? No. I told Willow it would be like suicide.
Spike: I'd do it. Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.

Glory: [to Willow] Know what they used to do to witches, lover? Crucify 'em.
Buffy: [from behind] They used to bow down to gods.
[Glory smiles]
Buffy: Things change.

Buffy: [to Dawn] Because they'll take you away. If I can't convince you to go to school, I won't be found fit to be your legal guardian.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: New Moon Rising (#4.19)" (2000)
Giles: How did you get in?
Spike: The door was unlocked. You might want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
Buffy: Or, someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.

Buffy: You sounded like Mr. Initiative. "Demons bad, people good."
Riley: Somethin' wrong with that theorem?

Buffy: [holding a gun to the Colonel's head] Stay back, or I'll pull a William Burroughs on your leader here.
Xander Harris: You'll bore him to death with free prose?
Buffy: Was I the only one awake in English that day?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lies My Parents Told Me (#7.17)" (2003)
Buffy Summers: Any apocalypse I avert without dying? Yeah, those are the easy ones.

Giles: Everything's terrible. Total catastrophe.
Buffy Summers: Giles, what's wrong?
Giles: Have you seen the new library? There's-there's-there's nothing but computers. There's not a book to be seen.

Buffy Summers: Spike is the strongest warrior we have. And we are gonna need him if we're gonna come out of this thing alive. If you try anything again, he'll kill you. More importantly, I'll let him.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: All the Way (#6.6)" (2001)
Buffy: Were you parking? With a vamp?
Dawn: I-I didn't know he was dead!
Justin: Living dead.
Dawn: Shut up!
Buffy: How could you not know?
Dawn: I just met him.
Buffy: Oh! Oh, so you were parking in the woods with a boy you just met.

Buffy: Did you know about this?
Rupert Giles: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
[Giles takes off his glasses and starts wiping them]
Buffy: Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you don't have to see what we're doing?
Rupert Giles: Tell no one.

[a bunch of couples in the woods turn out to be vampires]
Buffy: Hey, didn't anyone come here to just make out?
[one couple raises their hands]
Buffy: Aw, that's sweet. You run.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Who Are You? (#4.16)" (2000)
[Faith is in Buffy's body]
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Buffy: [as Faith] 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well... yeah, that covers a lot of it.
Buffy: 'Cause I could do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong.

[Faith in Buffy's body sees Tara look longingly at Willow as she walks away]
Buffy: [as Faith raises eyebrows] So you guys been hanging out a lot lately, huh?
Tara: [grins] Yeah. She's, um, she's really cool.
Buffy: [smirks] So Willow's not drivin' stick anymore? Who would've thought?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Hush (#4.10)" (1999)
Riley: So, what have you got goin' on tonight?
Buffy: Oh, patrolling.
Riley: Patrolling?
Buffy: Uh, petroleum.
Riley: Petroleum?
Buffy: Uh-huh.
Riley: Tonight you have crude oil?
Buffy: A-and homework.

Buffy: No actual witches in your witch group?
Willow: No. Bunch of wannablessedbes. You know, nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Zeppo (#3.13)" (1999)
Buffy: What should we do with the trio over here? Should we burn them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows. Occasionally I'm callous and strange.

Willow: And if it opens?
Buffy: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
Buffy: Well, it'll be the first to come out.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Wild at Heart (#4.6)" (1999)
Willow: I know. I-I know. And I don't wanna be the kind of girl who freaks every time my boyfriend notices somebody else. I mean, I have wrong feelings about other guys sometimes, but I-I feel guilty, and I flog and punish.
Buffy: Exactly. I'm sure Oz is flogging and punishing himself - This is sounding wrong before I even finish.

Buffy: Giles, I've never seen her like this. It's like it hurts too much to form words.
Rupert Giles: You've felt that way yourself and, uh, you got through it.
Buffy: Yeah. I ran away, and went to hell, and *then* got through it. I'm kinda hoping she doesn't use me as a model.
Rupert Giles: Fair enough.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Normal Again (#6.17)" (2002)
Xander Harris: I don't know how stuff got so mixed up. I blew it.
Buffy Summers: No! Well, maybe it wasn't the best time to break up with her, but...
Xander Harris: No. It wasn't about breaking up. I love her and God, I miss her so much.
Willow Rosenberg: So you left her at the altar, but you still wanna...
Buffy Summers: You still wanna date?
Xander Harris: I guess. I know that I'm a better person with her in my life. But things got so complicated with the wedding, with my family, and with her demons, and what if it all goes to Hell, and... and for ever? But then I left. And ever since... I've had this painful hole inside. And I'm the idiot who dug it out. I screwed up real bad.
Buffy Summers: Hey. We all screw up.


Vampires Suck (2010)
[Becca accidentally maces Buffy the Vampire Slayer]
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I was trying to help you, bitch!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Where the Wild Things Are (#4.18)" (2000)
[about a vampire and a demon]
Buffy Summers: Okay, you get fang, I'll get horny... I mean...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Forever (#5.17)" (2001)
Buffy Summers: [about the funeral] It was brutal. But it's tomorrow that I'm worried about.
Angel: What's tomorrow?
Buffy Summers: That's exactly what I don't know. Up until now, I've had a road map. Things to do every minute, having to do with mom.
Angel: Tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes.
Buffy Summers: And everybody expects me to know how to do it, because
[ironic]
Buffy Summers: I'm so strogng.
Angel: You just need some time. I'm sure everybody understands that.
Buffy Summers: Time's not the issue. I can stick wood in vampires, but mom was the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better, just what to say.
Angel: Yeah. You'll find your way. I mean, not all at once, but in...
Buffy Summers: [Doubting] I don't know. I keep thinking about it... when I found her. If I had just gotten there ten minutes earlier...
Angel: You said they told you it wouldn't have mad a difference.
Buffy Summers: They said "probably" wouldn't have made a difference. The exact thing they say was "probably". I haven't told that to anyone.
Angel: Doesn't make it your fault. You couldn't have done anything different.
Buffy Summers: [sighing with regret] I didn't even star CPR until they told me. I fell apart. That's how good I am at being a grown-up.
Angel: Buffy...
Buffy Summers: And it'd be ok if it was just me I had to worry about. But Dawn...
Angel: Look, it's ok. I know you don't feel like it now, but you are strong, Buffy. You're gonna figure this out. And you have people to help you. You don't have to do this alone.
Buffy Summers: It's gonna be light soon...
Angel: I can stay in town as long as you want me.
Buffy Summers: How's forever? Does forever work for you?
[They looked]
Buffy Summers: That's a bad idea. I'm seriously needy right now.
Angel: Let me worry about the neediness. I can handle it.
[They started to kiss. With more passion and love each second. The kiss stopped]
Buffy Summers: [They both know it has to stop] I told you. You'd better go.
Angel: I'm sorry.
Buffy Summers: No. I'm so grateful that you came, Angel. I didn't think I was gonna be able to make it trough the night.
Angel: Well, we still have a few more minutes before I have to go.
Buffy Summers: Good.
[She leans on his chest]
Buffy Summers: Good.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Sleeper (#7.8)" (2002)
[Buffy approaches a bouncer outside a nightclub looking for Spike]
Buffy: I'm looking for this guy. Bleach-blond hair, leather jacket, British accent, kind of sallow, but in a hot way?
Bouncer: Yeah, yeah, I know the guy. Billy Idol wannabe?
Buffy: Actually, Billy Idol stole his look from...
[the bouncer looks at Buffy in a strange way]
Buffy: Never mind.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Weight of the World (#5.21)" (2001)
Xander: Did you know that... Ben is Glory?
Buffy Summers: So I'm told. What do we know?
Rupert Giles: Um, well, uh, according to these scrolls, uh, it's possible for Glory to be stopped. I-I'm afraid it's, um, well, Buffy, I've read these things very carefully and there's not much... margin for error. You understand what I'm saying?
Buffy Summers: Might help if you actually said it.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Entropy (#6.18)" (2002)
[Xander and Buffy confront Anya and Spike after catching them having sex on camera]
Xander: Don't even try to deny it. 'Cause we saw it all. The whole beautiful show.
Anya: How? It was just - it - it was just a thing. I-I felt bad and he was just there.
Buffy Summers: [to Spike] Didn't take long, did it?
Xander: Oh, ho. Oh, okay! Ya had to do it, because he was there. Like Mount Everest. Like I used to be.
Anya: And then you weren't! You left *me*, Xander, at the alter. I don't owe you anything!
Xander: So you go out and bang the first body you can find? Dead or alive?
Anya: Where do you get off judging me?
Xander: When this is your solution to our problems. I hurt you, and you get me back. Very mature.
Anya: No, the mature solution is for you to spend your whole life telling stupid, pointless jokes so that no one will notice that you are just a scared, insecure, little boy!
Xander: I'm not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations, it worked. I look at you, and I feel sick, 'cause you had sex with that.
Spike: It's good enough for Buffy.
Xander: Shut up, and leave her out of...
[both Xander and Anya stare at Buffy]
Anya: Buffy?
Buffy Summers: Xander...
Xander: I don't wanna know this. I don't wanna know any of this.
[Xander leaves and Buffy follows after]
Spike: Bloody Xander. Buggered up everything. You know, I wish...
Anya: Don't.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Into the Woods (#5.10)" (2000)
Buffy: Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you and I- Are you naked under there?
Buffy: Get out.
Spike: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part...


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Grave (#6.22)" (2002)
Rupert Giles: Buffy, what's happened here?
Buffy Summers: God, I don't even know where to start.
Rupert Giles: Well, Willow's clearly been abusing the magicks.
Buffy Summers: She has. She was, and I barely even noticed. Giles, everything's just been so... Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya's a vengeance demon again, Dawn's a total klepto, money's been so tight that I've been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat Palace...
[glances at the floor]
Buffy Summers: And I've been sleeping with Spike.
[pause; Giles then starts to snicker]
Rupert Giles: [trying not to laugh] Sorry.
[Giles bursts into laughter]


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Bargaining: Part 2 (#6.2)" (2001)
Buffy Summers: Is this hell?