John Munch
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Quotes for
John Munch (Character)
from "Homicide: Life on the Street" (1993)

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"Homicide: Life on the Street: All Through the House (#3.8)" (1994)
Det. John Munch: [answering the phone] Ho ho ho homicide.

Lt. Al Giardello: Never try to hustle a Sicilian.
Det. John Munch: You tried to hustle Gee at hearts?
Det. Tim Bayliss: He plays hearts?
Det. John Munch: The man was a legend back in the day, nobody could beat him. He put one of his kids through college just playing hearts.

Det. John Munch: [missing every ball at the batting cage] Nobody can hit a ball going at a million miles an hour.

Det. John Munch: To get here, I had to run a virtual gauntlet of Christmas cheer. Bargain-hungry shoppers, mewling kids, carols blasting from diabolically hidden loudspeakers.What kept me going was the thought that once I reached my destination - our sacred inner sanctum - I'd find refuge from this yuletide delirium.

Det. John Munch: [depressed] I hate Christmas because it's a time of year when you're supposed to be happy, and if you're unhappy, you think there's something wrong with you which just makes you even MORE unhappy!

Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: All I'm saying is that you are a pessimist, Munch!
Det. John Munch: A pessimist?
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: Yeah, you're always seeing the worst in everything! You never see anything good, a moment of redemption! You don't believe in anything!

Det. John Munch: [upon seeing a dead man dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, lying in the snow, covered in blood] Oh no, Rudolph's gonna be pissed.

Fidel McGibney: Why do you wear dark glasses indoors?
Det. John Munch: I have strange eyes.
[looks around sadly at all the cheerful photographs of the McGibney Family on the wall]
Fidel McGibney: I think you're hiding something.
Det. John Munch: Not me... my soul's an open book.

Fidel McGibney: [Fidel cries and hugs Munch] My dad's not a deadbeat drunk!
Det. John Munch: [regretful, knowing that Fidel's dad is gone] I know... I'm sorry.
[hugs Fidel back]

Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: The only thing beautiful women ever say to you is, 'excuse me, you're blocking the view!'
Det. John Munch: [annoyed] NOW who's the pessimist?

Fidel McGibney: My name's Fidel.
Det. John Munch: Like Fidel Castro?

Det. John Munch: I don't have a weird face! I'm darkly handsome maybe, but not weird...?
[looks in the mirror self-consciously]

Det. John Munch: [a graphic slasher film is playing on TV] You shouldn't be watching that.
Fidel McGibney: Why not?
Det. John Munch: Because it's disgusting, that's why! I've seen more violence in the past twenty minutes than I've seen in my whole career as a homicide cop!

Det. John Munch: [excitedly, while throwing snow around] Merry Christmas, happy Hanukah!


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Slaves (#1.22)" (2000)
Dr. Audrey Jackson: [to Munch] Do you have a girlfriend?
Det. John Munch: Do you?

Dr. Audrey Jackson: We still have 45 minutes.
John Munch: Well, I could give you a complete detailed account of my sex life... but what are we going to do with the other 44 minutes?

John Munch: Stepford Nanny.

Det. John Munch: Does dealing with sexual deviance affect me? The answer is no, you can ask my blow up doll.

Dr. Audrey Jackson: Have you ever experienced any sexual dysfunction since taking this job? And I'd like a serious answer.
Det. John Munch: Once.
Dr. Audrey Jackson: Thank you. And when was that?
Det. John Munch: Not sure, but I think it was somewhere in the last ten minutes.

Dr. Audrey Jackson: Do you always deflect personal questions with jokes?
John Munch: Do you always deflect jokes with personal questions?

Det. John Munch: [to the reservation agent] And don't answer that phone. Anyone who calls an airline sits on hold 20 minutes minimum while being subjected to a Clockwork Orangeian repetitive loop on the benefits of your awards program.
Reservations Agent: I believe that's your phone, sir.

Det. John Munch: [to Dr. Jackson] Look, I'm not good talking about me. You're the expert, why don't you talk about me?
Dr. Audrey Jackson: OK. You've been married multiple times. Each wife was spoiled, beautiful, but not one matched you intellectually. You distrust all women, any form of government and you could smell a conspiracy at a five-year-old's lemonade stand.
Det. John Munch: Anything else?
Dr. Audrey Jackson: You've given up on relationships, but you still believe in true love.

Det. John Munch: [to Jeffries] Are you all right?
Monique Jefferies: Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?
Det. John Munch: The psych exam. Dr. Giggles had me wanting to eat my gun.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Payback (#1.1)" (1999)
Detective Monique Jefferies: Doesn't sound like there's much doubt on the C.O.D.
Detective John Munch: Do you think that you're conclusional pole vaults are personality or gender-driven?
Detective Monique Jefferies: I don't know, John. What about deductively logical?
Detective John Munch: Oh really? I had what looked like a stabbing once in Baltimore, it turns out some guy was getting divorced and drank drain cleaner and his soon-to-be-unmarried widow discovered him dead-no alimony. She stabbed him 15 times out of pique.

Detective John Munch: What about your erstwhile partner?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Oh, I'd love to John, but my presence is required in court this morning.
Detective Brian Cassidy: I read about it in the news. City councilman right?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Weenie wagger.

Captain Donald Cragen: Okay, Olivia, let's just say the vic had the misfortune of buying the wrong hack license. Spicer's the target. Who wanted him dead?
Detective John Munch: Whoever called the dispatcher.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Wow.
Detective Olivia Benson: Nice. Good stuff. Keep that.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Thanks, thanks a lot.
Detective John Munch: It never stops.
Detective John Munch: [to Cragen about donuts] You know they have more varieties than that.

Detective Elliot Stabler: That was the M.E. The stab wounds... 37 of them. This still reads gay to me.
Captain Donald Cragen: Panacek's prints are clean here, right?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yes.
Captain Donald Cragen: So do this by the numbers. He's illegal, send a set to Interpol too.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Forensics report...
Captain Donald Cragen: What?
Detective Elliot Stabler: They found part of a fingernail in the front seat of the cab with red nail polish on it.
Detective Olivia Benson: Dispatcher said that he thought it might have been a woman who called about Spicer.
Captain Donald Cragen: Kind of undercuts your gay theory, huh?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Could be a he/she?
Captain Donald Cragen: Didn't two of Spicer's married johns take a bust?
Detective Olivia Benson: Yeah, about six months ago vice was targeting the piers.
Captain Donald Cragen: I'm sure their wives must have been thrilled.
Captain Donald Cragen: [Munch chuckles] What are you doing?
Detective John Munch: Eavesdropping.

Detective John Munch: A military plane drops J.F.K.'s coffin in the middle into 9,000 feet of water three years after the assassination. You don't fund that suggestive-perhaps even a tad bit disquieting?
Detective Brian Cassidy: No.
Detective John Munch: No? The Justice Department waits 33 years before they impart this tidbit on the American people. And then they say they did it because it wasn't evidence? What are you sheep? Will you believe anything?

Detective Monique Jefferies: Hey, you guys going to eat all this?
Detective John Munch: Suppose we say 'yes'?
Detective Monique Jefferies: Suppose I'm just being polite?
Detective John Munch: Oh, that would be a first...
Detective Brian Cassidy: That's cool, John doesn't eat vegetables.
Detective Monique Jefferies: Yeah? The way I heard, that's the only thing John never gets to uh... eat.
Detective Brian Cassidy: Ouch.

Detective John Munch: No way! I'm never setting foot in the city of Baltimore again as long as I'm on this mortal sphere!

Detective Brian Cassidy: What's that?
Elliot Stabler: [handing a report to Cragen] Take a look at that. Fingerprint check on Pancek. I'd say that gives us a whole different kind of motive.
Captain Donald Cragen: [glancing at the report] See if any of the victims are in the New York area. Your partner may not like this.
Elliot Stabler: Why? It's a murder investigation.
Captain Donald Cragen: Yeah. Yeah, it is. Just don't let her forget we don't get to pick the vic.
[Much and Cassidy exchange confused glances]
Detective John Munch: Are we missing some key piece of information here?
Elliot Stabler, Captain Donald Cragen: Shut up, John.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Asunder (#2.7)" (2000)
Detective John Munch: There are five stages of grief. Don't go through them all at once.

Detective John Munch: I didn't know women got into whizzing contests.

Detective John Munch: [to Patricia Andrews] Think of your body as part of the crime scene. Time and body fluids erode evidence. The procedure is we head to the hospital, and then I'll take your statement.
Patricia Andrews: So basically the bastard rapes me and you waste time. That's the procedure?
Detective John Munch: Ma'am...
Patricia Andrews: Look here, Officer...
Detective John Munch: Detective Munch. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable with a female detective.
Patricia Andrews: I'd be happy to talk to anyone with a brain.

Olivia Benson: Along with making the brass very happy, the guy's also a rapist.
Detective John Munch: Alleged rapist, thank you.
Olivia Benson: Ever hear of "no"?
Detective John Munch: You ever hear of contractual abandonment? The only reason to forsake all others is so you don't have to hear no.
Elliot Stabler: I've been married 16 years. I hear it all the time.
Olivia Benson: Okay, Munch, let me clue you in. A wife as property went out in 1984 when the law finally realized that even a married woman is allowed to say no.

Patricia Andrews: A chokehold is not foreplay for me, Detective.
Detective John Munch: And a pot to the head turns him on?

Detective John Munch: [to Patricia] My soon-to-be ex calls me often with requests for money and updates on the status of our uncoupling.
Patricia Andrews: You hate her.
Detective John Munch: That would make it too easy. We're not together anymore, but we still fight. Only now, I'm not there for the tantrums.
Patricia Andrews: So you bust my chops because I remind you of her.
Detective John Munch: No, I just don't like you.

Alexandra Cabot: [to Patricia about not pressing charges against her husband] Did your husband or any of his friends on the force threaten you, Mrs. Andrews?
Patricia Andrews: No. I just don't want to go through with it anymore is all.
Alexandra Cabot: What made you change your mind?
Patricia Andrews: My husband could go to jail over a misunderstanding a petty marital spat. I can't live with that.
Detective John Munch: Just seems strange you would change your tune so easily after singing the "he-raped-me" song to anybody who would listen.

Detective John Munch: [to Patricia about her husband] He admits it and you respond by trying to recant. That's not love, that's psycho.
Patricia Andrews: Think whatever you want. I'm not crazy enough to lose my husband just 'cause you want to believe me now.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: A Shot in the Dark (#1.4)" (1993)
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: [disappointingly, to Munch] God! It gets so I can't depend on you for anything!
John Munch: What's the big deal? It's a phone call, I'll take care of it.
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: No, it's sloppy... when I was partnered with Mitch, I...
John Munch: Oh no, here we go again...
[imitating him in a fake voice]
John Munch: 'Mitch, Mitch, Mitch'!

Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: You got two things right, you got a drug deal and a shootout, but not between those two guys! Lowe is lying wounded on the floor, and Cole is lying dead on top of him on his back!
John Munch: ...They shoot each other!
[holds out his finger, mimicking a gun]
John Munch: BANG! BANG! Cole gets shot in the chest,
[places his hand over his heart]
John Munch: then he spins around,
[spins backward dramatically]
John Munch: falls over on Lowe!
[pretends to faint onto Bolander, who shoves him forward]
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: Okay, where's Cole's gun? We only recovered ONE gun!
John Munch: So far...
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: [angry] What'd he do, SWALLOW it?

John Munch: Eh, Kay?
Kay Howard: Yeah?
John Munch: You know how Stan is always in not-so-great a mood? While today he's like a bear, like a grizzly on barbiturates!

John Munch: [about Bolander not wanting to speak to Dr. Blythe] Hello, Dr. Blythe? Well, I had my glasses off and when I put 'em back on, he wasn't there... okay, bye.

Tim Bayliss: [about the Adena Watson killer] DAMN! Now why would he even stay in Baltimore?
John Munch: [Munch is eavesdropping while reading a newspaper] Because if he's REALLY from Baltimore, he won't go. He'll talk about it enough, but he'll never leave.

Orville Warren: I was just doin' what Mister Lowe said!
John Munch: [sarcastic] ... Commendable.

John Munch: That's it, I am outta here! I've put up with potted plants, I've put up with these ceramic mugs, I've even had to put up with Nirvana on the jukebox... but a karaoke machine?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Mercy (#4.14)" (2003)
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: Andrea's lawyer is going to argue that this was a crime of love.
Detective John Munch: It doesn't matter what intentions the road is paved with, Alex, it all leads to the same place.

A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: I take it you side with the defense.
Detective John Munch: Oh ye of little faith.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: I thought you were pro- euthanasia.
Detective John Munch: Yeah, for adults competent enough to ask for it.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: But not for children?
Detective John Munch: If first we kill babies with diseases, then children who are disabled, where does it all end?

Detective John Munch: I don't like it. The only reason we got this list is because Judge Hill is slightly to the right of Attila the Hun.
Odafin Tutuola: Why don't you give it a rest? How many you got?
Detective John Munch: Twenty-four pregnant college girls. And excuse me if I'm alarmed by the total disregard for human rights in this country.
Odafin Tutuola: If you got a problem with it, why don't you get your bony ass out of here?

Dr. George Huang: Tay-Sachs is most common among certain ethnic groups, particularly the Jewish community.
Detective John Munch: Same old story. When all else fails, round up the Jews.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Andrea] You fed Sarah the drugs. DNA proves that little girl in the river is your daughter.
Andrea Brown: She was my baby. You could never know how hard this was. Instead of suffering, she just went peacefully to sleep.
Detective John Munch: It's still murder.

Detective John Munch: Every Jewish couple I know got tested for Tay-Sachs before they walked down the aisle. Why would an educated couple like the Browns roll the dice and take those chances?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Because they thought there was no chance they could have a Tay-Sachs baby.
Detective John Munch: If Danny wasn't born Jewish, he'd got better odds at hitting the lottery than carrying the Tay-Sachs gene.

Detective John Munch: [to Cabot] Good work, Counselor.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: She didn't deserve 25-to-life.
Detective John Munch: Jury thought so.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: Because I turned her into a whore.
Detective John Munch: It doesn't matter. She killed her child.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: What if it was your daughter? What would you have done?
Detective John Munch: Whatever I could.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Resilience (#4.10)" (2002)
Capt. Donald Cragen: You think Landricks is a murderer and not just a sick freak?
John Munch: Since when do those two exclude each other?

Odafin Tutuola: [to Karl Sirett about Jackie] So why'd you run when she tried to kill herself?
Karl Serrit: Those guys had it under control.
Odafin Tutuola: Or you knew the cops were on the way and she'd finger you.
Karl Serrit: Finger me for what?
John Munch: We know you like attacking women. Did you go all the way with Jackie?
Karl Serrit: Who's Jackie?
Odafin Tutuola: The girl you followed into the subway. The girl you raped.
Karl Serrit: I told you I never saw that bitch before.
John Munch: [while reading from a file] "I never saw the girl. I never met the bitch." You should get a better story, don't you think?

Karl Serrit: [while using the restroom] Jealous?
John Munch: No, but I am impressed. I believe the technical term for that is a Prince Albert.
Karl Serrit: Ladies love the prince.
Odafin Tutuola: The technical term for these are handcuffs.
[handcuffs Karl]

James Randall: Just because I have high cholesterol doesn't mean I raped anybody.
John Munch: So it's just a coincidence, Mr. Randall that the medication you take wound up inside Jackie Landricks?
James Randall: Yeah, it's just a coincidence. Lots of guys have high cholesterol.
Odafin Tutuola: Lots of guys don't live next to the victim's bedroom.

James Randall: You want a DNA sample, sure, I'll give you a DNA sample. Just get me a plastic cup or a pretty woman, I'll give you all the DNA you want.
[unzips his pants]
John Munch: Put it away, Mr. Randall. All we need is to swab inside your mouth.

Charles Eno: I had sex with Angie Landricks, but I never touched the girl.
John Munch: You had sex with Jackie's mother?
Charles Eno: Yeah! Why would I mess with jailbait when I could get it from her moms?

Elliot Stabler: You heard Tom Landricks is getting his family back?
John Munch: It gets worse. ACS just called. Jackie's pregnant, wants to keep the baby.
Odafin Tutuola: Daddy's turkey basting worked.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Manhunt (#2.18)" (2001)
John Munch: So why'd you leave narcotics?
Fin Tutuola: My partner took a bullet that was meant for me, kinda took all the fun out of it.

Odafin Tutuola: Even Aunt Mary thinks he's a hero.
John Munch: Yeah well Aunt Mary is a few tea bags shy of a full pot.

Fin Tutuola: The Bowery Stalker.
John Munch: One and the same.
Fin Tutuola: I haven't heard about this guy for a long time.
John Munch: Not long enough.

Fin Tutuola: I wonder how long this guy will keep his victim alive?
John Munch: Until he's finished with her.

Sarah Kimmel: [Sarah stares in horror at all the men in a line-up, recognizing the man who attacked her] Oh god... IT'S HIM!
[Sarah screams and hugs Munch, hiding her face against his shoulder and sobbing hysterically]
John Munch: [reassuring but looking shocked] It's alright, Sarah... it's okay.

John Munch: [Sarah answers the door with a smile, seeing Munch standing there] I just wanted to tell you... you can turn your lights out tonight.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: A Many Splendored Thing (#2.4)" (1994)
John Munch: The closest I want to get to nature is that show on P.B.S!

John Munch: [Depressed about breaking up with his girlfriend, upon hearing that a murdered homeless couple had been using heavy-duty heart medications] ... Are you sure there's nothing left in those prescription bottles...?

John Munch: Where's my old Stanley?
Al Giardello: Oh my god...
John Munch: I can't wake up in the morning, I can't face the day unless I know he's gonna be more miserable than me! The whole world's outta whack, G! You gotta do something!
Al Giardello: Like what?
John Munch: Order him to be miserable again!
Al Giardello: Aw, stop it...
John Munch: Look Boss, it's for his own good, it's a safety issue, the guy's DANCING IN TRAFFIC... there's gotta be something in the books to forbid happiness... it's UNPROFESSIONAL!

Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: [Stan and Linda are gracefully humming a cello song, when suddenly Munch creeps up to them out of nowhere and starts singing loud, off-key notes] Every fairy tale has its nightmare, and this is mine.
John Munch: [gloomy] It's Festivus to you, pal.

Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: [livid] Munch, if you don't shut up, and shut up fast, I'll GUT you!
John Munch: [oblivious to Stan's threat] The truth hurts, doesn't it, Stan?

John Munch: Linda... it is Linda, isn't it?
Linda: [laughs] Yes!
John Munch: ...You're a very nice person... and obviously you're capable of the impossible by making Stanley happy. Your homespun stories don't play with me, I'm a homicide cop. Nothing surprises me!
Linda: Nothing?
John Munch: Absolutely nothing!
[suddenly numerous rainbow-coloured fireworks go off, sparkling in the air, startling him]
John Munch: What the HELL was that?
Linda: [laughs] I don't know... your heart, maybe?
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: [walks over] WOW! Look at that!
John Munch: [laughs nervously] Yeah, look at that...
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: Wow, god!
John Munch: [suddenly seeming more cheerful] ... You know, Stanley... this woman, you gotta respect her. Why she goes out with you, I'll never know. As far as I'm concerned, your great fortune lies right there in the mysteries of life, right alongside the whereabouts of the lost tribes of Israel, and the meaning of the lyrics to 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds'.
[Linda laughs]
John Munch: I think I'll go look for a couple of those lost tribes right now...
[walks away]
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: I'm sorry 'bout him...
Linda: Oh, he's alright, Stan... you just don't understand him at all, do you?
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: Nope, I don't... but then again, I don't need to.
[Linda laughs and she and Bolander gaze at the fireworks in awe]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Angels (#4.6)" (2002)
John Munch: [after Bret Jansen is discovered murdered in his bed] Sleep tight, Mr. Jansen.

Dr. George Huang: [about NAMBLA] They're pedophiles who claim they can help boys as young as three discover their sexuality in a non-threatening, nurturing way.
John Munch: And they hide behind the First Amendment to spew that crap, but they operate in cells like Al-Qaeda so one group can't finger another.

Tony Damon: [while Munch is undercover at Damon's travel agency] When would you like to travel, Mr. Blackmum? Or is there another name you'd like to use?
John Munch: As a matter of fact, there is. John Munch, but you can call me Detective.

Tony Damon: So what's this conspiracy that you're charging me with?
John Munch: Facilitating the rape of children in foreign countries.
Tony Damon: There's no state law against that.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Federal law. We turn our tape over to the U.S. Attorney, you're toast.
Tony Damon: Federal statutes require proof of a sex act. That means they need a victim. Where they gonna find one?
John Munch: No wonder this guy doesn't need a lawyer. He's got the law memorized with all his other NAMBLA buddies.
Tony Damon: NAMBLA? I'm not one of those freaks.
Det. Elliot Stabler: How many boys they pass around to you?
Tony Damon: I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
[Stabler throws Damon against the wall and roughs him up a little]
Det. Elliot Stabler: You think I am some dumb cop?
Tony Damon: I had nothing to...
[Stabler cuts him off with a jab to the gut]
John Munch: Elliot!
Det. Elliot Stabler: Think you're smarter than me?
Tony Damon: I need a doctor!
Det. Elliot Stabler: You're gonna need a morgue, pal!

Tony Damon: I swear I'm not one of them! I was just in it for the money!
Det. Elliot Stabler: Which the Feds are gonna take away from you while you're sitting on death row for slicing up Bret Jansen.
Tony Damon: What? I had nothing to do with that!
John Munch: That's funny because somebody did to him exactly what he joked about doing to you.
Tony Damon: That rat bastard.
John Munch: Gotta be more specific. There's a lot of 'em running around in this case.

Perp: I am telling you, I would never do two men and a boy!
John Munch: Prove it! Take your shirt off!


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Anchor (#11.10)" (2009)
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Munch!
Sergeant John Munch: [wakes up] What?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Let's get back on this hate mail.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Son of a bitch!
Sergeant John Munch: Well, screw you too.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: I wasn't talking to you.
Sergeant John Munch: What, you got an imaginary friend over there with you now?

Sergeant John Munch: [watching a tape of Gordon Garrison] Do we have to watch the collapse of western civilization?

[Randall Carver is staging a demonstration outside SVU]
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [handing Munch a stack of correspondence] Hold this. Gonna go see how far I can kick that bullhorn up his ass.
Sergeant John Munch: Don't dirty your shoe, Fin.

Randall Carver: [on TV] How many more of these children have to die before this so-called Special Victims Unit takes these murders seriously?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: We just took on the case, you idiot!
Sergeant John Munch: See, now, you're yelling at the TV.

Sergeant John Munch: Before the lnternet and the 24-hour news cycle, kooks could xerox pamphlets. Now any crackpot can get on television and get millions of lemmings to jump off any cliff they tell them to.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Taken (#2.8)" (2000)
John Munch: There should be a special level of hell for this pus-sucking, gangrenous malignancy of a mental amoeba.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Did somebody steal your parking space again?

Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: He lives at 1634 Broadway.
Det. John Munch: Not unless he's one of the nuts lobbying for yet another extension of "Cats". That's the Winter Garden Theatre.
[Fin gives Munch a look]
Det. John Munch: Don't ask.

Det. John Munch: Whatcha got there, Spanky?

Russell Ramsay: What'd I do?
John Munch: Aside from defying the laws of rhythm?

[after Olivia's mother dies]
John Munch: Did you talk to Benson?
Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
John Munch: You know, my brother's a mortician in case she has any questions.
Elliot Stabler: You have a brother?

Det. John Munch: Ramsay just sent in his first victim to defend him against his second.
Capt. Donald Cragen: From the statutory rape case?
Det. John Munch: Shelly Leevak, the sweet little thing he deflowered at 15. She's five years older but none the wiser.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Don't tell me she's trying to alibi him.
Det. John Munch: Everything but. Explain to me how shmoes like us spend every night at home alone watching the History Channel while a scum like Ramsay has this nice girl's complete devotion. She's so convinced.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Well, if there is any karma, Ramsay won't be doing much sitting down in Rikers.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Entitled (#1.15)" (2000)
Det. John Munch: Will you ever have dinner with me?
M.E. Elizabeth Rodgers: Not while I can still feed myself.

Detective Olivia Benson: The crime scene is a big grope spot.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Romantic. Teenagers, honeymooners...
[glances at Olivia]
Detective Elliot Stabler: ...co-workers.
Captain Donald Cragen: So where's this guy's love interest?
Detective Olivia Benson: Uh... we're running down the prints.
Det. John Munch: Maybe he was alone.
Detective Olivia Benson: [sarcastic] Well, maybe his pants came off from the force of the shot.
Det. John Munch: All I'm saying is he could have been having safe sex with himself.

Det. John Munch: One minute you're getting your doorknob polished, the next you're sweet talking your way past St. Peter.

Det. John Munch: Vanity, my name is woman.
Detective Monique Jefferies: It's frailty, not vanity, you misogynist.

Detective Monique Jefferies: He was shot with a Black Talon?
Det. John Munch: Cop killers. They haven't been made since 1994.
Detective Monique Jefferies: Yeah, because they killed too many cops.
Det. John Munch: Nah, the real reason was, it was instantly recognizable. Bullet makers want anonymity. If you can't prove where the bullet was made, you can't sue the manufacturer. Where would we be without lawyers?

Det. John Munch: [yelling] You're enjoying this, these little guys trying to sweet-talk you into giving us a little crumb of information.
Arthur Pruitt: Oh yeah, yeah, it's the high point of my life.
Det. John Munch: Better than shooting those people in cold blood, you little reptilian geek?
Arthur Pruitt: Oh, it's bad cops now?
Det. John Munch: [yelling] You bet your ass.
Detective Monique Jefferies: John, easy.
Det. John Munch: [still in a loud tone] You did it, you piece of crap. I know it, you know it.
Det. John Munch, Detective Monique Jefferies: Seriously, come on.
Det. John Munch: No, I'm going to kill this guy myself.
Arthur Pruitt: [to Jeffries] Call him off, call him off.
Det. John Munch: I'm gonna Mike Tyson you, you bastard!
Arthur Pruitt: Come on. Is this legal?
Detective Monique Jefferies: Probably not.
Det. John Munch: [whispering] I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna kill you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Lust (#4.4)" (2002)
[Munch is cuddling a victim's dog and annoying Fin]
Odafin Tutuola: I told you you should have left that mutt in the car.
Det. John Munch: Do you know how many dogs die in locked cars every year?
Odafin Tutuola: Know how many cops shoot their partners and get off on justifiable?

Det. John Munch: Me, I just get a little nervous when the government starts drawing up lists.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Please don't get him started. He goes off on black helicopters and we'll be here all night.

Det. John Munch: Follow the shoe again. This case is a shoe fetishist's wet dream.

Miss Kittie: We always meet at four-star restaurants. Vartan had very good taste.
Det. John Munch: I never would've guessed.

Secretary: We don't take walk-ins. You need a referral.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [shows her his badge] We got a special pass.
Secretary: [as they start to walk into the office] You can't go in there!
Det. John Munch: Sure we can.

Det. John Munch: Where'd you go two nights ago?
Miss Kittie: Chez Marco. I met him there at 9:00. Do you want to know what I ate?
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: I'm not touching that one.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Uncivilized (#1.7)" (1999)
Brian Cassidy: Have you ever thought about having kids?
John Munch: Why? I have you.

Brian Cassidy: So why didn't you ever have kids? Didn't want the responsibility?
John Munch: I wouldn't want to give a kid the responsibility of me.

John Munch: When I was a kid, my parents told me to never eat sweets.
Capt. Donald Cragen: So, as an adult, you overcompensate?
Brian Cassidy: So I guess your parents said 'never get married either', huh?

Detective Monique Jefferies: Who lets an eight year old out alone?
John Munch: You watch over them twenty-four hours a day, you wind up with safe little neurotics.

Mike D.: Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
John Munch: Aldous Huxley also said, "but I like the inconveniences."


"Homicide: Life on the Street: La Famiglia (#7.1)" (1998)
Det. Tim Bayliss: I died, y'know, after I got shot. It's...
Det. John Munch: You mean you had a near death experience?
Det. Tim Bayliss: Oh, no, not near death. I, uh, actually died.
Det. John Munch: You mean you were going towards a bright light and all your ancestors were waving "howdy"?
Det. Tim Bayliss: No... It was more like I, uh... more like I could feel all the... I don't know, the different... parts of me, the... elements that make up my physical presence - water, air, earth - I could feel them... breaking apart, dissipating... Yeah, becoming one with, um... The greatest force of energy in the universe.
Det. John Munch: Tim, this zen detective thing is starting to really rub my rectum the wrong way.
Det. Tim Bayliss: Oh. I don't expect you to understand unless you understand, John.
Det. John Munch: See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
Det. Tim Bayliss: What?
Det. John Munch: It's like being partner with a fortune cookie.

Det. John Munch: [to Bayliss] You don't want to partner with me. I'm bad luck. I'm a curse: Bolander, Russert, Kellerman. I'm like a black hole. You partner with me before you hand your badge in.

Det. Tim Bayliss: So... what, G's father was Italian and his mother was black?
Det. John Munch: Yeah.
Det. Tim Bayliss: Must've been tough.
Det. John Munch: What?
Det. Tim Bayliss: Y'know, growing up half-breed, being accepted, figuring out what your loyalties are.
Det. John Munch: G's loyalties are to the Baltimore PD.
Det. Tim Bayliss: No, I mean before that, John. He wasn't always a cop.
Det. John Munch: You sure about that?

Det. Tim Bayliss: Interviewing G's relatives, you get to find out a lot more than you knew before. For instance, did you know that G, when he was seven years old, could speak two languages?
Det. John Munch: No. Did you know he was prom king?
Det. Tim Bayliss: No. Did you know that his son and he haven't talked since G's wife died?
Det. John Munch: Yes... which should make the next few moments incredibly interesting.
Det. Tim Bayliss: Why's that?
Det. John Munch: Here comes the son.

Det. John Munch: [at the end of canceling a date with Lewis] Let's keep our relationship professional?
Det. Meldrick Lewis: [pretending to be distracted from reading his newspaper] Strictly professional.
[Sheppard leaves; Lewis tosses the newspaper in the air and crosses the room to Munch, incredulous]
Det. Meldrick Lewis: You hear that? Huh? Did you hear that?
Det. John Munch: You ever considered dating a prostitute?
Det. Meldrick Lewis: No. Why?
Det. John Munch: Well, a prostitute is a professional, right? That way, you can keep the relationship professional and still get laid.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Care (#3.9)" (2001)
Fin Tutuola: Why do we always get stuck looking for the needle in the haystack?
John Munch: Takes me back to the Easter egg hunts of my youth.
Fin Tutuola: You're Jewish, your parents hid eggs?
John Munch: My point exactly, all those futile hours of searching.

Fin Tutuola: Now if you were still a bright eyed little kid, what would that look like to you?
John Munch: A death trap.
Fin Tutuola: You're pathetic; that's the coolest fort ever.
John Munch: You had a traumatic childhood too, huh Sherlock?

[Fin finds a knife]
Fin Tutuola: Do you think this is sharp enough to cut a lop of hair?
John Munch: Well if it is, you win the chocolate bunny.

John Munch: [while Fin and Munch are playing video games] Damn it!
Fin Tutuola: Pathetic. Give me that. Show you how to do this.
Donald Cragen: Maybe we should rethink the squad room video arcade.

Alexandra Cabot: Who died?
Elliot Stabler: Dorothy Rudd.
Alexandra Cabot: Please tell me you're kidding.
John Munch: Just got a call from Rikers. Massive heart attack.
Fin Tutuola: Bitch didn't even suffer.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Vulnerable (#4.3)" (2002)
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Cause of death said cardiac arrest.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Which means 'We don't know what killed her, but we don't think it was foul play'.
[Munch and Fin look at each other]
Detective John Munch: What would you have put?
Dr. Melinda Warner: I don't know, but I would have mentioned this, an unaccounted for needle mark in the arm.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: She was in the hospital, maybe they gave her an IV.
Dr. Melinda Warner: She was in to have her knee drained. Hole's in the wrong place.

Detective John Munch: The day is coming when embalming fluid is put in a lotion.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Until that day, it will remain the medical examiner's worst nightmare.

Detective John Munch: [about Bess] Frightening. When this steel trap starts to rust, call Kevorkian.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Consider that done.

Detective John Munch: Uncle Ted was arrested in '53 on five counts of rape, but not for Bess. He was killed in prison in '57.
Donald Cragen: Well, somebody tortured her again last night and I'm pretty sure it wasn't the dead uncle.

Detective John Munch: [When Munch and Fin are searching for evidence in the garbage] Damn it to hell! You got crap all over my shoes.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: If you wanna bitch, switch places.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wanderlust (#1.5)" (1999)
Det. Monique Jefferies: Is there anything you just accept?
Det. John Munch: Yes. Compliments.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Oh, no wonder you're so skeptical.

Detective Elliot Stabler: Virginia, Detectives Munch and Cassidy will escort you home.
Virginia Hayes: Can I drive?
Det. John Munch: Well seeing as how you're about as old as my partner, I don't see why not.
Detective Brian Cassidy: Huh?

Det. John Munch: The guy's wanderlust is one adverb short of Robert James Waller.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Mmmm... Bridges of Madison County.
Detective Brian Cassidy: That was incredible.
Det. John Munch: How 'bout incredibly banal: short, muscular sentences displaying total absence of original thinking?
Detective Brian Cassidy: I was talking about the movie.

Det. John Munch: Yes, Santa Claus, there is a Virginia.

Det. Monique Jefferies: [about Virginia] Hey, Munch, she's a child.
Det. John Munch: The appeal goes beyond a midlife crisis. The way a top shows off a flat stomach...
Detective Elliot Stabler: The mature discussions you can have about the Backstreet Boys.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Secrets (#2.12)" (2001)
Detective John Munch: [to Fin] I'm sure you have many secrets.
Fin Tutuola: I'm a Republican.

Dr. Bennett Alston: It's called covert incest. You're a little girl. Dad watches you take baths, tells you dirty jokes, mentions how good the sex was last night with some woman.
Detective John Munch: Hell of a way to teach your kid about the birds and the bees.
Dr. Bennett Alston: Then you hit puberty. He admires your shape, leaves pornography in your room, buys you sexy lingerie, takes you as a date to one of his business dinners.
Detective John Munch: By the time she grows up the only way she knows how to respond to men is sexually.

Detective John Munch: One time when I was working in Baltimore, I walk in and say 'What's up?', everybody's looking at me like my fly's open. Turns out there's a new art gallery across the street run by one of my ex-girlfriends, center piece is a wall size picture of yours truly from my free love days, au natural.
Fin Tutuola: Serves you right for posing in the first place.

Detective John Munch: Her name is Marnie Owens, though I suspect you people exchange fluids more often than names.

Detective John Munch: We're talking about victimless crime.
Fin Tutuola: Unless you're Marnie Owens.
Detective John Munch: Marnie Owens' problem wasn't that she had group sex. It was that she couldn't stop herself.
Fin Tutuola: We got 14 others here from Dante's. What's their excuse?
Detective John Munch: You mean the fireman, the accountant, the director of human resources? All consenting adults, behind closed doors, nobody gets hurt? They don't need an excuse.
Fin Tutuola: That's easy for you to say, Mr. Letting-It-All-Hang-Out-At-Some-Art-Gallery.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Soulless (#4.25)" (2003)
[the victim was drowned in toilet water]
John Munch: Why Seth, what pretty blue water you have.

[Arresting a suspect in Virginia]
John Munch: Your car is ready, Mr. Walford.
Fin Tutuola: Traffic's light and it's a fine day for an extradition.
Seth Wolfford III: You. Set me up.
John Munch: I assure you, a local bank was indeed robbed. And a guard was shot.
Seth Wolfford III: Wasn't me and you know it.
John Munch: One of the perps was a six foot tall white man. Makes you a viable suspect.
Seth Wolfford III: That's bull.
Fin Tutuola: That's racial profiling. Sucks, don't it?
Seth Wolfford III: This is insane, I'm innocent.
John Munch: Well, maybe the bank job, but in accordance with the law, Arlington PD ran your DNA through the national databank.
Fin Tutuola: And you're a dead match for one of Chloe's rapists.
Seth Wolfford III: You had no right to take my DNA!
John Munch: Yeah, well, write to your congressman.

Kracker: Chill, y'all! I gotta lay it down when I'm chillin'. Ya know what I'm sayin'?
John Munch: Not a single word.

Donald Cragen: [about Chloe Dutton] Our girl still MIA?
Fin Tutuola: She didn't show up for school yesterday, but apparently that's par for the course.
Donald Cragen: Well, they didn't even bother to call the parents?
Olivia Benson: Her mother's out of town staying at some fat farm and the housekeeper said that Chloe's staying at her father's this week.
Elliot Stabler: Her father, Phillip Dutton is across town in merger negotiations. His assistant's trying to get word to him, but he swears it's the mother's week.
Donald Cragen: Let me guess, an acrimonious divorce?
John Munch: Is there any other kind?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Countdown (#2.15)" (2001)
Elliot Stabler: Pick up the phone.
John Munch: The wacko on line 1 or the psychotic on line 2?

John Munch: I guess I could run a needle in a haystack through the DMV under "H"
Fin Tutuola: Or a "B"
John Munch: Or a "B"

John Munch: [Fin starts to put eye drops in his eyes] Can I have some?
Fin Tutuola: No.
John Munch: Please?
Fin Tutuola: No.
John Munch: Come on!
Fin Tutuola: Can't share eye drops, that's how you get pinkeye.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Just give him the eye drops.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [snapping at each other] You always do this, Munch! You always put a lid back on an empty can.
John Munch: That's how I am.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Goliath (#6.23)" (2005)
Det. Elliot Stabler: You make it sound like they're poisoning their own troops, why would they do that?
Detective John Munch: I asked myself the same question a couple years back when the military started making soldiers take an experimental anthrax vaccine. Even after people died, they didn't stop until the Supreme Court ordered them to.

Detective John Munch: Can't you just imagine ADA Novak getting you in front of a jury and saying things like 'patriot', 'security', 'homeland'?

Detective John Munch: There's 'marital problems' and then there's stabbing your wife 70 times and setting her on fire.

Koehler: [walking on training grounds] I'd like to cooperate, detectives, but I'm not authorized to release any medical records.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: We could get both men to waive their privacy rights.
Koehler: Not really the issue. You'd have to talk to the local general.
Detective John Munch: Ah, the wonderful world of military bureaucracy.
Koehler: I hear ya, Detective. I wish I could be more help. Callahan and Myers were both good soldiers.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Well, maybe you could tell us why Wes Myers only served four months in Afghanistan.
Koehler: Unfortunately, I can't do that, either. And that is to protect Myers' privacy. I'm very sorry.
Detective John Munch: [sighs] I think we're going about this in the wrong way. Now why don't you tell us what you can share with us.
Koehler: Well, frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if this weren't some sort of combat stress situation. A lot of men have a tough time readjusting to civilian life.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Just an Old Fashioned Love Song (#7.3)" (1998)
Det. John Munch: It's like this dream I had when I was a kid: first day of school, wandering around the halls, looking for the right classroom. People are staring at me, and this girl I had a crush on - Helen Rosenbaum - she's laughing and pointing at me, and I realized I didn't get dressed. I'm buck naked. All I have on is my shoes and socks.
Det. Meldrick Lewis: Black socks?
Det. John Munch: Argyle.
Det. Meldrick Lewis: I had that dream.
Det. John Munch: Everybody has that dream. It's the human condition in a nutshell.

Det. John Munch: Bayliss, don't give me any zen song and dance about how money is an illusion, taxes are an illusion, the IRS is an illusion.
Det. Tim Bayliss: On the contrary, John, money is Mara, the Destroyer, the Evil One.

Det. John Munch: You haven't experienced the Giardello summons, yet? The full force laser beam G-ray: strips varnish off furniture, enamel off teeth?

Det. John Munch: The Zapruder film's out on VHS and DVD, as if there's a choice.
Billie Lou Hatfield: DVD, definitely. Gotta have that freeze frame, stop action, enhancement capability.
Det. John Munch: One night after work, we should open a bottle of zinfandel and watch the Zapruder film frame by frame and see which ones are missing.
Billie Lou Hatfield: Twenty-six seconds of the most compelling footage ever filmed.
Det. John Munch: The woman of my dreams.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Ghost of a Chance (#1.2)" (1993)
Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: I'm so glad I didn't send those flowers.
Det. John Munch: I sent the flowers.
Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: I mean a man my age making goo goo eyes at... who did you send flowers to?
Det. John Munch: Dr. Blythe.
Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: I'll gut you!

Det. Meldrick Lewis: John! John!
Det. John Munch: What?
Det. Meldrick Lewis: You are yelling at a rat!

Det. John Munch: Thank you, Dr. Blythe.
Dr. Carol Blythe, M.E.: Sure.
[awkward pause]
Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: Uh... I uh, hear you tend to get crabs.
[Munch stifles his laughter, looking away]
Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: ... At the restaurant...

Det. John Munch: [Munch throws a large rock at a rat sitting atop a trash can] Get away! Quit staring at me, you cheese-eating jerk!


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Heartbeat (#4.7)" (1995)
John Munch: [waving a black cat in Cardero's face and speaking in a dramatically eerie voice] Remember... all black cats are witches!
Joseph Cardero: I told you, that guy's WEIRD!
Kay Howard: [smiling fondly in Munch's direction] ... He's alright.

Judy: [about men] They are pigs, all of 'em.
John Munch: Not necessarily! Some have the occasional virtues!

John Munch: [about being buried alive] There's nothing to do except listen to your own heartbeat! Imagine a week of THAT!

John Munch: I love Alyssa! She's my angel in a white lab coat!


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Tangled (#3.5)" (2001)
[Searching a suspect's apartment for his cat to gather trace evidence]
Fin Tutuola: I don't see a cat.
John Munch: That doesn't mean anything. They're freaky little creatures. They lurk.
[Munch finds the cat moments later]
John Munch: Oh, there you are, you demonic little furball.

Fin Tutuola: Here pussy, pussy, pussy...
John Munch: You're kidding, right?
Fin Tutuola: This is not my area of expertise.

John Munch: Civil liberties, good. Lawyers, bad.

John Munch: Actually the 1st Amendment gives him the right to ask, the 5th Amendment gives you the right not to answer.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Screwed (#8.22)" (2007)
Captain Donald Cragen: Detective Lake is transferring in from Brooklyn SVU. He's gonna pick up our slack during the trial, he's going to stay here after, so make him feel welcome.
Detective John Munch: Should Fin be concerned?
Captain Donald Cragen: There's more than enough work for everybody, John. Why don't you do some?

Teresa Randall: [to Ken] I asked you to help me and you bring a cop? Get out of here.
Ken Randall: I don't want you to go to jail.
Teresa Randall: I can't testify.
Detective John Munch: I know you're scared, but running will only make it worse.
Teresa Randall: Mind your own business.
Detective John Munch: This is my business if I have to arrest you for contempt.
Teresa Randall: I can't go into that courtroom.
Ken Randall: Darius is your son, Mom and you owe him.
Teresa Randall: I owe him nothing.
Detective John Munch: What are you afraid of, Terry?
Teresa Randall: I c... they are going to ask me about Darius' father.
Detective John Munch: Novak needs you to testify to put Darius in prison.
Teresa Randall: I don't care.
Detective John Munch: Fin's already boxed in. By running, you give them more ammunition. So how much pain are you willing to cause?
Teresa Randall: Get the hell out of my house.

Elliot Stabler: I'll be so glad when this damn trial's over with. I can't think. Can't even focus on my job.
Detective John Munch: And Braden would still be on your ass, whether Fin was related to the defendant or not.
Elliot Stabler: I don't blame Fin.
Detective John Munch: Sure you do. Every day since this started. Back off, man. The guy's in hell.
Elliot Stabler: Fin didn't take the guy's confession. You did and it got thrown out.
Detective John Munch: The captain was sitting right next to me. Did you raise your concerns with him?
Detective Olivia Benson: Hey, had I been there, I would have taken his confession without a lawyer present too. What are we gonna fight about next, huh?

Detective John Munch: [about Terry] She was raped.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: She told you that?
Detective John Munch: She didn't have to. How many victims have we seen who act just like her?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Paranoia (#2.14)" (2001)
Officer Austin Bates: [Fin tells him to hit the street, but he reaches for his gun] I don't see any shields. Just four pieces of crap with guns.
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [points his gun at the cop's head] I got no problem shooting you.
John Munch: Twelve jurors or six pallbearers. Your choice.

John Munch: [finding out Karen Smythe paid her ex's $50,000 debt] My exes wouldn't throw water on me if I was on fire.

John Munch: [to Todd Smythe] Tough being married to a cop. Just ask my ex-wives.

John Munch: [to Todd Symthe about his gambling debt] Somebody pays off your gambling debt and you have no idea who would perform such an act of philanthropy?
Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: These guys don't just let you walk away from an obligation.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Execution (#3.15)" (2002)
John Munch: When's the last time you took a sick day when you were actually sick?

Elliot Stabler: [to Munch] Huang wants me to meet him down at the FBI field office for lunch. Maybe he's got some good news.
John Munch: Good news from the Feds? More like, "Bend over, we're taking over your case."
Elliot Stabler: John, times have changed. They're not the Iying bastards they used to be.

Elliot Stabler: [to Munch] You recanvassed the Cooper neighborhood?
John Munch: Yeah, and you owe me a new pair of shoes. No, but after ten years, people move, they don't remember.
Elliot Stabler: How about that teacher, Andrea Mason?
John Munch: Yeah.
Elliot Stabler: Did you find her?
John Munch: The interview is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I got you covered, Elliot. If there was anything solid, I'd let you know.
Elliot Stabler: I'm running out of time here, John.
John Munch: You're running out of options. The Coopers are running out of time.

John Munch: Tell me again how my partner failed to get his weapon re-certification.
Olivia Benson: He choked.
Odafin Tutuola: I didn't choke.
Olivia Benson: Okay. He got poor marks for shooting off his gun early.
John Munch: That happens to everybody, Fin. You know, they have a pill for that now.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Consent (#2.10)" (2001)
Harry the Vagrant: You sons of bitches. You said I wouldn't have to take a needle.
Det. John Munch: Yeah well, we lied.

Det. John Munch: If I arrest you for obstructing justice, is the university going to pay your bail?

Det. John Munch: [to Harry] Want some syrup with those flapjacks there, slappy?

Det. John Munch: Fin and I made friends with a guy in the campus police department.
Fin Tutuola: We did?
Det. John Munch: Nick, the campus dick. Maybe we can appeal to his fraternal sense of brotherhood among cops.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Legacy (#2.4)" (2000)
John Munch: Now I'm a pain in my own ass.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [Munch is stuck in a child sized chair] Can you move?
John Munch: Just get me a forklift.

John Munch: We've been assuming the attacker was male because of the sex abuse angle, but what if it's the mother?

Olivia Benson: [Olivia goes up to the roof of the police station at night to find Munch standing at the ledge of the building] It's good work, John... took a chance with that bluff about Emily coming out of her coma. I'm not sure what we would have done if Jamie had pressed to see her...
John Munch: [snapping] She didn't care about the kids!
Olivia Benson: ...How did you know...?
John Munch: We searched her house I looked at that four-year-old
[referring to the little boy who'd been watching Munch in the hallway during the home's investigation]
John Munch: it was just like that little girl that used to live across the street from us in our old neighborhood on the Lower East Side. She had that same look in her eyes.
Olivia Benson: What look?
John Munch: ...Sad, lost... she used to stand on her porch every afternoon when I came home from school... like she was waiting for me. Sometimes, she'd have a black eye or a bloody lip. Never said anything to me, just looked at me like she was trying to tell me something, but I was too full of my own teenage crap to pay any attention.
[takes a deep breath, looking on the verge of tears]
John Munch: One day, I came home she wasn't there... found out her mother threw her through a plate glass window! Went to the funeral, saw her dad... it's the first time I saw a grown man cry...
Olivia Benson: [looking shocked] What happened to the mother?
John Munch: They sent her to a sanitarium... she told my mother she didn't understand what all the fuss was about.
[glances to the side, avoiding Olivia's horrified gaze]
John Munch: "She was the one that had to get a new window!" Months later, I'd come home and I'd look up at the porch.
[blinking back tears]
John Munch: I swear, I saw that little girl standing there, looking at me with that look... I almost let her down again.
[walks away sorrowfully, leaving Olivia staring blankly into the distance]


"Homicide: Life on the Street: End Game (#3.14)" (1995)
Det. Tim Bayliss: 'The Getaway?' Wasn't that made into a movie?
Det. John Munch: Twice. The one with Steve McQueen is a classic.
Det. Tim Bayliss: I don't remember a remake.
Det. John Munch: That's because it wasn't worth remembering.

Det. John Munch: Chicago has two seasons: winter and St. Patrick's Day.

Reporter Dawn Daniels: [trying to interview Munch about his traumatized state during the shooting] Who do cops talk to when they feel stressed?
Det. John Munch: [annoyed] ... Reporters.

Reporter Dawn Daniels: How do you feel now?
Det. John Munch: Sad, angry...
Reporter Dawn Daniels: Stressed?
Det. John Munch: Life is stress by definition.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Stranger (#10.11)" (2009)
Detective Olivia Benson: I don't understand how a mother wouldn't know her own child.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, but Mrs. Hallander didn't recognize this girl until sister Erica saw that tattoo on her wrist.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Munch, zoom in on the ink. Put 'em up side by side.
Detective Olivia Benson: Looks the same to me.
Sergeant John Munch: Except they're mirror images. On this one, the stem curved to the right; on this one, it curves to the left.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Girl's a con artist.
Detective Olivia Benson: Then why would she try to kill herself?
Detective Elliot Stabler: Maybe she knew the game was up.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Who's gonna break it to the Hallanders that their real daughter's still missing?
[walks away]
Detective Olivia Benson: Let me talk to Heather first.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Liv, she's not Heather.
[walks away behind Fin as Olivia still studies tattoo photos on the screen]

Detective Olivia Benson: That was Heather's father. She's not feeling well; drive-along's off.
Detective Elliot Stabler: She saw the paper.
Detective Olivia Benson: They tried to keep it from her, but the sister Nikki slipped her a copy.
Sergeant John Munch: The brat sister isn't helping at all. You ask me, we bring Nikki in here for a sit-down.
Detective Elliot Stabler: What, are you a social worker now?
Sergeant John Munch: Hardly.

Sergeant John Munch: The day Heather ran out after Nikki called her fat, mom sent the brat after her to apologize.
Detective Olivia Benson: Nikki never found Heather.
Sergeant John Munch: Yeah, so she claims.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Nikki was sixteen years old. What'd she do, sell her younger sister as a sex slave?
Sergeant John Munch: No, but maybe she saw her get in the van.
Detective Olivia Benson: And never said anything?

Sergeant John Munch: Nikki admitted that she tormented her little sister. Maybe she was glad to see her go. Parents said that she's been on a downward spiral ever since. Sounds like guilt to me.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Or acting like a teenager.
[Munch heads to his desk]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Anything back from forensics?
Detective Olivia Benson: Scarring from long-term sexual abuse, but no DNA in the rape kit.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Well, Heather scrubbed herself clean. We kind of expected that.
Detective Olivia Benson: The lab found semen on the dress. They're working up a DNA profile now.
Detective Elliot Stabler: If we're lucky, the perp's already in the system.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Gone for Goode (#1.1)" (1993)
Det. John Munch: I'm upset because every relationship I think I have is not the relationship I actually have.

[it is Detective Tim Bayliss' first day in the homicide unit]
Det. Tim Bayliss: Excuse me, hi - where could I get a cup of coffee?
Det. John Munch: There's a machine on the first floor.
[Bayliss leaves]
Det. Stan Bolander: There's coffee right in there.
Det. John Munch: That's our coffee.

Bernard: I'm telling the truth this time! You don't believe me?
Det. John Munch: Frankly, I preferred your Jamaican story better. It had a kind of Elmore Leonard quality.

[Munch approaches a man planning on mugging him, Lewis and Crosetti]
Det. John Munch: [showing his badge] We're homicide detectives, go rob somebody else.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Runaway (#2.16)" (2001)
Det. John Munch: Fin's good at that: fear.

John Munch: Your Jew? Your Jew? How about I call you my BOY?
Fin Tutuola: Then I'd be your boy, John!

[talking to Lorna Frankel in the interrogation room of the 16th Precinct]
Det. John Munch: Your rap sheet: In '79, you were porn princess Layla Cream Cheese.
[Munch's "wow, nice name" face]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Honor (#2.2)" (2000)
Donald Cragen: [about Nafessa] What, it's her fault she was raped?
Olivia Benson: She brought shame and dishonor to her family. They behead women for that where she comes from.
John Munch: My first wife dishonored me. I had to pay her alimony.

Jaleel Amir: [to Munch about Nafeesa, smiling] I am proud I killed her. She deserved to die.
John Munch: This amuse you?

John Munch: [about Jaleel Amir] When we collared him, he was sitting in first class, no cap, no beads, styling in totally westernized Internet casual.
Alexandra Cabot: His wardrobe isn't helping me. If the jury thinks Jaleel is culture-programmed to kill he gets his insanity verdict.
Donald Cragen: Well, we're out of people to say otherwise.
Elliot Stabler: His culture didn't program him to kill. His father did. Jaleel is afraid of him. Everybody is afraid of Saleh Amir.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Disrobed (#1.13)" (2000)
Detective John Munch: I want you to seal this crime scene tighter than an accountant's ass.

John Munch: Hello and welcome to Parole Phone. If you're paying with sex, press 1. If you want to make a donation to a phony charity, press 2.

Detective John Munch: [a murder victim was shot in both the groin and the head] If this was a hit, they would have only shot him in one head.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Penetration (#12.8)" (2010)
John Munch: What am I, chopped liver? How come Liv and El get to work anti-terror?

Gerald Kauffman: [to Fin] Don't touch the merchandise, please.
John Munch: Maybe he wanted to buy me something pretty. It is our ten-year anniversary.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Mazel tov.

John Munch: [to Seth Coleman] You're a moron. There's no way you could have thought of this on your own. Did some crooked doctor make you his B.F.F. on the inside?


"Law & Order: Sideshow (#9.14)" (1999)
Det. John Munch: [in lesbian bar] Lennie, there's gotta be ten women for every woman in this place!
Det. Lennie Briscoe: And all gorgeous...
Det. John Munch: ...and happy. As soon as they invent artificial sperm and a machine that opens jars, you and I are out of business, old buddy.

Det. John Munch: [searching victim's bedroom] Place is negative for condoms, or any kind of contraceptive devices. Ditto peekaboo bras, Merry Widows, any Doc Johnson products. This lady had no discernible sex life!
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Maybe she enjoyed solitaire.

Det. John Munch: [in lesbian bar] I don't believe a woman is gay until she personally rejects me.
Woman in bar: You must know a lot of lesbians!


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Sniper: Part 2 (#4.9)" (1996)
Det. John Munch: I'm not worried about the sniper getting me. One bullet in my noggin, that's it, it's over, I'm fine with that, but I will NOT stand by and watch you get shot again.
Det. Sgt. Kay Howard: What're you talking about, John?
Det. John Munch: Do you think I could ever forget you and Stan and Beau getting shot? And all I could say to Gee was 'they messed up my shoes with their blood'. I was in such shock from seeing your blood everywhere, I couldn't do anything.
Det. Sgt. Kay Howard: Alright, John.
Det. John Munch: It's not alright!

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard: Munch, let's go!
Det. John Munch: I've got things to do.
Det. Sgt. Kay Howard: I'm not asking you out on a date, John, come on!
Det. John Munch: You're the sarge, sarge.

Det. Sgt. Kay Howard: [Munch is panicking and driving way over the speed limit, trying to get Kay away from the apparent sniper on the roof] You're gonna get us killed!
Det. John Munch: STAY IN THE CAR!


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Sideshow (#7.15)" (1999)
Det. John Munch: I am too damn sober.

Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: Get ready for a federal subpoena.
Det. Rene Sheppard: What are you talking about?
Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: Well, they laid one on us in New York this morning. They took every bit of evidence we had on this case. I figure you folks are next.
Det. John Munch: You drove 200 miles south to tell us that? Good job, Paul Revere.
Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: I'm on my way to Washington anyway. You got a cup of coffee?
Det. Rene Sheppard: What's going on there?
Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: The Independent Counsel shanghaied Chesley Purcell's shooter. When they found out he had nothing to say about any of the President's men, they got bored with him. They're returning him to our custody, and McCoy wants me to transport him back to Rikers, put him on suicide watch.
Det. John Munch: You're telling me that Ned Burks killed Chesley Purcell over a lesbian's love lost? Yeah, and Jack Ruby was a grieving patriot.
Det. Leonard 'Lennie' Briscoe: A ***cancer-ridden***, grieving patriot.
Det. John Munch: Lennie, you precious rube! Amazing how all those years on the mean streets of New York have had so little effect on your sweet, childlike brain.

Executive A.D.A. Jack McCoy: Why did you have Purcell take the body to New York? Why not just leave it in Baltimore?
Walter Boyce: When you've got someone working for the White House telling you they want some bitch to be itched, the drama's going to be thick. I got business interests in Baltimore; you know that. I figured I drop the body somewhere else. Besides, Chesley wanted to see some show on Broadway. Uh, some musical thing with a lion. Part of the contract was that I got a hold of some seats for her.
Det. John Munch: You paid a hitter with tickets to "The Lion King"?
Walter Boyce: Third row, orchestra.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Raw (#7.6)" (2005)
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: [visiting Munch in the hospital after the courtroom shootout] So where is it you got shot?
Detective John Munch: That would be - in the ass. You wanna kiss it and make it better?

Detective John Munch: You know, scientists have discovered there's really no genetic difference between the races. It's only skin deep.
Kyle Ackerman: Jews are the descendants of the union between Eve and Satan.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: And who do you think spawned you?

Detective John Munch: FBI? I can't believe you're a fed.
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: You can understand now why I couldn't testify.
Detective John Munch: Yeah, you would've committed perjury just by stating your name. Which is...?
FBI Agent Dana Lewis: Dana Lewis. Detective Munch, I apologize for everything I had to say. You have no idea how reprehensible I find those words. But I had to maintain my cover.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wrong Is Right (#2.1)" (2000)
Det. John Munch: [to the uncooperative boss of a suspect] What are the odds that you have a picture of Senator Joseph McCarthy tattooed on your ass?

[seeing Stabler walk into SVU in khaki shorts and a loud Hawaiian shirt]
Det. John Munch: Jimmy Buffett in town?

Craig Prince: [being handcuffed] You're hurting me!
Det. John Munch: Not our concern.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hysteria (#1.4)" (1999)
Capt. Donald Cragen: Well, while you wait take her photo around, see if you can find a co-worker who knew her, all right. Munch, Cassidy! You available?
John Munch: To do with as you will, after court.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Oh, right, Doctor Buzzjoy.
Det. Monique Jefferies: Oh, that's an open and shut case, Munch, try not to screw it up with your insane rambling.
[She walks away, Munch continues to stare at her]
Det. Monique Jefferies: And stop looking at my ass.

John Munch: Miss Webber was told to disrobe, put her feet up in stirrups, and try to picture David Hasselhoff on Baywatch.
Defense Attorney: Objection! Your honor, this witness is not qualified to testify on the treatment for hysteria.
John Munch: Actually, sir, I am. Up until 1952, hysteria was one of the most commonly diagnosed illnesses among women. The medical treatment was hysterical paroxysm.
Court Reporter: Could the witness spell that?
John Munch: O-R-G-A-S-M.

Det. Monique Jefferies: So you're saying *all* women are whores?
Det. John Munch: Don't be ridiculous. I don't know *all* the women in the world.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: A Model Citizen (#3.4)" (1994)
John Munch: You're divorced. Divorced people don't visit each other, they hate each other... this I know.

John Munch: [about Crosetti] the guy was a walking drugstore.

John Munch: [about a eulogy to Crosetti] Why don't you just say that he was kind to old women and, uh... dogs.
Al Giardello: He hated old women and dogs.
John Munch: G, the whole point of a eulogy is to lie. You're supposed to make the departed seem dearly.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Inconceivable (#9.14)" (2008)
Sergeant John Munch: [talking about suspects] I got one. Thirteen actually. Meet the "The Masterbated Race"; they're donor sibs.

Sergeant John Munch: For all they know, I could be donor 10-19.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [looks at the kids' pictures] They don't look like freaks to me.

Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: You better not have gotten me over here for another one of your jokes.
Sergeant John Munch: Is that all you think I'm good for?


"The X-Files: Unusual Suspects (#5.3)" (1997)
Byers: John Fitzgerald Byers. 11 22 63.
Det. Munch: Seriously?
Byers: I was named after JFK. Before the assassination, my parents were going to call me "Bertram."
Det. Munch: Lucky you.

[to the Lone Gunmen]
Det. Munch: Here's a tip: aluminum foil makes a lovely hat and it blocks out the government's mind-control rays. Keep you guys out of trouble.

Byers: [trying to explain some improbable events] That was the last we saw of him. Almost immediately the police got there. We panicked and hid. You know the rest.
Det. Munch: Do I look like Geraldo to you? Don't lie to me like I'm Geraldo. I am not Geraldo!


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Fits Like a Glove (#3.2)" (1994)
Meldrick Lewis: C'mon, man! Everyone knows you were a major pothead! Look, I don't care if you smoked the stuff, I don't even care if you sold it, what I wanna know is did you ever get caught...?
John Munch: NEVER! Can I go now... Officer?

John Munch: Eh, what's up with Crosetti's vacation? I'm actually starting to miss the guy!

John Munch: Meldrick, be a poodle and get me some chocolate milk and a few potato chips, please?


"Homicide: Life on the Street: The Why Chromosome (#7.21)" (1999)
John Munch: Billie Lou, how many husbands have you had?
Billie Lou Hatfield: Three...
John Munch: And how many wives have I had?
Billie Lou Hatfield: Three...
John Munch: That's six exes between us!

John Munch: [offering to put a stop to a man who is abusing his wife] I can be VERY persuasive.

John Munch: [to Faris] What are you gonna do, hit me? C'mon, hit me!... Or do you only hit women? Stay away from the girl, Faris.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Juvenile (#4.9)" (2002)
John Munch: [about the murder victim's planner] Probably a schedule. Members take turns tending the crop.
Donald Cragen: Why the hell you know so much about it?
Odafin Tutuola: Twenty-five years on the job and he's still a damn hippie.

John Munch: Threatening cancer patients. Now that's why I became a cop.

John Munch: [while searching a locker] I find any dead animals in here, I'm going to deputize you for this.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Scourge (#2.21)" (2001)
Honey the Hooker: Since when do cops care about what happens to us?
Detective John Munch: Hey we just spend $17 on coffee and donuts for you, if that's not showing respect then I don't know what is.

Dr. George Huang: [about the killer] He comes out at night and focuses his rage at prostitutes and women that he believes to be prostitutes.
Detective John Munch: Just like London, 1888.
Odafin Tutuola: Not Jack the Ripper again.
Detective John Munch: Ripperologists are convinced that his Royal Highness, Prince Albert Victor committed the deeds.
Donald Cragen: And I understand the royal family is still smarting over that, but could we please continue?

Dr. Melinda Warner: [to Munch] We found only the victim's blood at the arcade, but take a look at these. You know Locard's theory?
Detective John Munch: Transfer evidence. Everywhere you go, you pick something up and leave something behind. Seven years in Homicide, I better know it.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: ...Or Just Look Like One (#1.3)" (1999)
[Nina is being arrested by SVU]
Nina Laszlo: You can't do this!
Detective John Munch: In case you didn't notice, we just did.

Captain Donald Cragen: Anybody in court?
Monique Jefferies: Yeah, me. Comic-book guy.
Detective John Munch: Ah, Jeffries vs Rape Man. That's equal to Godzilla vs Megalon.
[Jeffries gives him a look]
Captain Donald Cragen: Well, my money's on Jeffries.
Monique Jefferies: Thanks.

Olivia Benson: Munch, do us a favor.
Detective John Munch: What?
Olivia Benson: Get Parisi to sit in this chair, and then suggest to him that Deborah rolled on him.
Detective John Munch: Ah, cute. The prisoner's dilemma.
Brian Cassidy: What's that?
Detective John Munch: See, we get each to think that the other one confessed.
Brian Cassidy: Damn, I love this job! I'll get Parisi.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Serendipity (#5.5)" (2003)
Odafin Tutuola: Phone line works. She could've called for help.
John Munch: Well, killers don't usually encourage that.

John Munch: Last call for bets on Dr. Newlands' paternity test.
Donald Cragen: Just give us the results, John.
John Munch: What do you want, the good news or the bad news first?

John Munch: [to Fin] You ever think of investing in a restaurant or bar?
Odafin Tutuola: With your track record? No way. I heard about that dive of yours in Baltimore.
Trevor Langan: [to Munch and Fin] I'd stay away from the food and beverage industry. If you're looking for a good tax shelter...
John Munch: Can you make it any more obvious that you're talking to us?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Remorse (#1.20)" (2000)
[Sara Logan has asked Much out to dinner]
Detective John Munch: All right, I'll go. Just don't say "bribe" to a cop in an open courthouse.

Detective John Munch: [after the judge sets low bail for a rapist] Whose pocket are you in?
Judge Kevin Beck: What did you say?
Detective John Munch: I said whose pocket are you in?

Olivia Benson: [prepping Sara for the trial] Don't use euphemisms, say penis, vagina, intercourse. If you're not comfortable with any of these, call John, call me, we'll work you through it until you're completely comfortable.
Detective John Munch: If they sense you're uneasy, they'll use it against you, they'll come at you five different ways to see if your answers stay the same.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Kaddish (#5.17)" (1997)
Det. John Munch: What happens to us that we forget how wonderful it is just to hold another human being's hand?
Det. Mike Kellerman: We get older.
Det. John Munch: We get older. We forget who we used to be, what we used to believe in. Love, peace, the Colts would always be in Baltimore...

Det. John Munch: Come on, do it for me just one more time, please, and I won't ask you again.
Det. Mike Kellerman: Would you give it a rest?
Det. John Munch: Just once more, please?
Det. Mike Kellerman: Oy vey iz mir, I'm so meshugenah I could plotz.
Det. John Munch: Do it again.
Det. Mike Kellerman: No.

Det. John Munch: [while throwing the alleged pervert up against the wall and hitting him in the head repeatedly] Why did you have to KILL Helen Rosenthal? WHY? WHY? WHY?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Popular (#3.16)" (2002)
John Munch: How old was he?
Tommy Kessler: Well, not grandpa old, like you.

Odafin Tutuola: I hate talking to kids this age.
Det. John Munch: That's because you can't smack them if they give you lip.
Odafin Tutuola: Who says I can't?

Mia Kessler: [When Fin is looking through Mia's room] Hey, you can't do that without a warrant.
John Munch: Yes, he can. Probable cause is defined as reasonable knowledge of a criminal act.
Odafin Tutuola: See, the longer you stall, the more time I have to find your stash and when I find it, I'm taking you in. You're not going to juvie, sweet pea.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sick (#5.19)" (2004)
Detective John Munch: Pervert ahoy. Pedophilic pirate motif.

Mitchell Edison: He might have gotten snapped by a wet towel or two. All in good fun, you know?
Detective John Munch: Yeah, getting pelted by the Neanderthals in the privates sounds like a blast.

Detective John Munch: Dodge ball? Haven't they outlawed this barbaric practice yet?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: I loved this game.
Detective John Munch: Yeah well you were some kind of sadist. I literally weighed 98 pounds. I can still hear them now, 'Break the pencil!' I was a walking bruise.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Confession (#10.2)" (2008)
[last lines]
Lisa Deering: [enters the Squad room wearing "domestic violence" bruising on eyes, cheeks, lips, arms; fighting tears] I love my husband, Detective.
Sergeant John Munch: I know you do, Lisa.
Lisa Deering: And I don't wanna be here... I don't wanna do this, but I don't want to die!
Sergeant John Munch: It's good to hear. Have a seat.
Sergeant John Munch: [fading out] It's good that you came in, okay? It's the right thing, for you, and your husband, and your family...

Sergeant John Munch: Captain, we have a major problem.
[shows picture of a young girl]
Captain Donald Cragen: This one of the kids off the site?
Sergeant John Munch: Yeah, I didn't recognize her at first.
Captain Donald Cragen: Who is it?
Sergeant John Munch: Stabler's daughter, Elizabeth. She's 15 now.
Captain Donald Cragen: He see this?
Sergeant John Munch: Yeah, then he suddenly had an errand to run.

Sergeant John Munch: [When Olivia is unable to find the child that Eric molested] Olivia, he'll turn up. He has to. Don't forget, Eric described the attack online in graphic detail.
Detective Olivia Benson: Which means some kid will have so many problems that no parent will be able to ignore.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Trade (#9.18)" (2008)
Chester Lake: Dress to kill. Too bad she didn't get to help Munch.
John Munch: Are you insulting my sartorial splendor?
Chester Lake: Well, if that means clothes, yes.
Donald Cragen: Easy, fellas.

Odafin Tutuola: [to Heaven] I guess you didn't get the 411 from on high. Jenna was murdered this morning.
Heaven Moscowitz: No, it can't be. It's before her time.
John Munch: It usually is in our line of work.

John Munch: You know, I took a coffee appreciation course at the Learning Annex and it turned out it was just a bunch of barista wannabes.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Deception (#4.2)" (2002)
Detective John Munch: [finds the father dead and the house empty] Where's the rest of the Addams Family?
Detective Elliot Stabler: MIA.

Detective John Munch: You have the right to an attorney, and if you want my advice, don't take one on your stepmother's payroll.

Attorney Schaefer: Mr. Fuller has been very cooperative with you, so unless you plan on arresting him, we're leaving.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Kyle Fuller, stand up.
Kyle Fuller: What for?
Detective John Munch: Because we're planning on arresting you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Choreographed (#8.9)" (2006)
Det. John Munch: [regarding death threats] That's why none of my four ex-wives ever made good on their threats. There's nothing to inherit.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Except your Warren Commission memorabilia.

Det. John Munch: Technology's made it so much easier to spy on people, family, even strangers.
Det. Elliot Stabler: Not everybody's a snoop.
Det. John Munch: No? Do you use Spyware to find out what sites your kids visit online? Do you?
Det. Elliot Stabler: My kids don't go online unless I know where they're going.
Det. John Munch: Exactly, you call it being a concerned parent, I call it Big Brother.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Sniper: Part 1 (#4.8)" (1996)
Det. John Munch: If a murder is committed in Baltimore and no homicide detective takes the call, did that murder actually occur?

Det. Tim Bayliss: The doctor says I can go through months of painful physical therapy with no guarantee, or I can have the surgery, and he recommended the surgery.
Det. John Munch: With no guarantee.
Det. Tim Bayliss: What do you mean?
Det. John Munch: You go to the chiropractor? You go to herbalists?
Det. Tim Bayliss: Yeah.
Det. John Munch: The doctor doesn't see any of that money. He only gets paid if he cuts you open.
Det. Tim Bayliss: Oh come on.
Det. John Munch: Alright, let me ask you a question, what kind of car does he drive? A Lexus? A Buick?
Det. Tim Bayliss: A Jaguar.
Det. John Munch: Must be the economy sized model, eh?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Privilege (#4.17)" (2003)
John Munch: Any idea how many film schools there are in New York? Plus a student failing to show up for class on Monday morning is not exactly going to set off alarms.

Tom Paysen: [to Munch and Fin] SVU. I thought you were just the panty police, but you're right up there.
John Munch: Up where?
Tom Paysen: Dreamland. Carmen was a mixed-up kid who committed suicide. Look at the evidence, you dumb bastards.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Users (#11.7)" (2009)
Odafin Tutuola: [while on the phone with Munch] What did you say? I can't make that out.
John Munch: [on the phone] The liquor store said our guy is Caucasian, tall, maybe 45, wearing an olive colored jacket.
Odafin Tutuola: Take a nap, sleepy. I just saw him.

Dr. Merrins: Mr. Vickers suffered toxic shock caused by an infection.
Odafin Tutuola: From me tackling him?
Dr. Merrins: No, from a severe circumferential bite to his penis.
John Munch: And you think you know a guy.
Odafin Tutuola: Courtesy of the dead girl, dumbass.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: The Third Guy (#1.16)" (2000)
Monique Jefferies: [to Alfonso about Carlos] Why are you letting this boy gamble with your life? How old are you? Seventeen?
John Munch: Look at me, take a good look. In 15 years, you're gonna be as old as I am.

Dr. Emil Skoda: Guy starts a fire, reports it, helps put it out. Hero syndrome.
John Munch: Or Carlos takes a hero and turns him into the patsy. Schmuck syndrome.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Fashionable Crimes (#17.20)" (2016)
Olivia Benson: Three days, two dozen interviews. At least half of these models admit to being pressured into sex.
Odafin Tutuola: None of them will testify.
Rafael Barba: But what about the vic from twelve years ago?
John Munch: That story has a happy ending. She's pimping for him now.

John Munch: Fin told me you got a good squad working for you.
Olivia Benson: [picking up Noah] Fin said what?
John Munch: I was worried when I left that I'd fall apart without the job, or the place would fall apart without me.
Olivia Benson: Well, I was, too.
John Munch: Oh, yeah, but it's been good. Turns out there's more to life than SVU.
Olivia Benson: Hmm. Ain't that the truth?
John Munch: Well, I'm glad we both found that out.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Redemption (#3.6)" (2001)
Fin Tutuola: Look at this.
[Fin Picks up Rose off pillow]
John Munch: Romantic Psycho.

Dr. George Huang: Violence is actually soothing to him.
John Munch: The more he maims, the better he feels.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Stakeout (#4.15)" (1996)
Lt. Al Giardello: If it's any consolation, Bolander's only called me once.
Det. John Munch: It's no consolation.

Det. John Munch: In the last couple years we've lost guys left and right: Crosetti, Bolander and Felton.
Lt. Al Giardello: Bolander and Felton are on suspension, they'll be back.
Det. John Munch: Yeah but Kellerman, Bayliss and I own a bar together; and finally after a year of blood, sweat and suds we are finally in synch, and if Bayliss transfers to vice or fraud or quits being a cop, it's going to throw off our equilibrium.
Lt. Al Giardello: Has Bolander called you at all since he went on suspension?
Det. John Munch: I'm sure he has his reasons.
Lt. Al Giardello: Stan always has his reasons, sometime I'd like to know what they are.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Abomination (#5.8)" (2003)
Captain Donald Cragen: What did you get from the people at Reed's funeral?
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: Not much - after the fight broke out, a bunch of people left before we got their names.
Detective John Munch: [brandishing a camera] Yeah, but... we got their pictures.
Captain Donald Cragen: Where the hell is that from?
Detective John Munch: One of Reverend Shaw's church members, he must've left it behind.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: [smiling] I didn't hear that.
Captain Donald Cragen: Get it back to him, John.
Detective John Munch: I'll be happy to, I'll even develop his film for free.

Det. Elliot Stabler: Go back in there and strangle the son-of-a-bitch.
Detective John Munch: I love the guy; I want to invite him to the Christmas party.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Loss (#5.4)" (2003)
John Munch: And with that I say good-night, you need to drive me early tomorrow, and you need to get some sleep.
Fin Tutuola: You need to get a new driver.

Elliot Stabler: TRW and Equifax both show no activity on that social prior to June 2001. No bank accounts, no student loans, no jobs. All of her credit cards were issued around the same time also.
Olivia Benson: DMV says Livia Tellez was issued a New York State driver's license same month, same year. No prior driving record in any other state.
Donald Cragen: And nobody knew anything about this girl?
John Munch: Neighbors were just passing acquaintances.
Fin Tutuola: Vital statistics doesn't have anything on her or any living relative.
Donald Cragen: We can rule out identity theft. Can't steal an identity that didn't exist until a couple of years ago.
Olivia Benson: Everything that we've found says that Livia Tellez just appeared out of nowhere.
Donald Cragen: What about witness protection?
Elliot Stabler: We checked. She's not one of theirs.
John Munch: Feel free to express your derision and ridicule, but I'm gonna say it: spook.
Fin Tutuola: I'm not ridiculing. We probably got spies from every country all over this city.
Donald Cragen: Uh, before we call in the CIA, let's see if the body can shed some light on who this girl really was.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Selfish (#10.19)" (2009)
Maria Fernandez: [about her "baby" doll] Don't wake him up.
John Munch: Lady, unless this is Pinocchio, he's not waking up.

Detective Elliot Stabler: [about Monica Stewart] That lady is a lunatic. What she's doing is a danger to society.
John Munch: Yeah, but not illegal.
Detective Elliot Stabler: You're defending her?
Detective Olivia Benson: Maybe he's right, El. I mean, sometimes parents know what's best for their kids.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Right, and we decided to vaccinate our kids so they'd be safe.
John Munch: Well, that was your choice. Telling parents how to raise their kids? That's a quick slide down the slippery slope of government tyranny.
Detective Olivia Benson: Monica Stewart's son got the measles and nothing happened to him. I mean, it's not so black and white.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Sierra got the measles from Monica's son and died. Now, all of a sudden, my little boy's at risk because of some nutcase mom?
John Munch: Well, she's not the only nutcase mom. Ashlee takes that prize.
Detective Elliot Stabler: But her kid was too young to be immunized. Every child under a year old is at risk. It's just stupid not to vaccinate your children.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Venom (#7.18)" (2006)
Captain Donald Cragen: [when Fin finds out Ken's been arrested and Fin tries to see him] You're not going in there.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: That's my son in there, Captain. Why didn't you call me?
Captain Donald Cragen: Because he didn't want us to. He's over 18 and he's in a lot of trouble. You plan on making it worse?
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: I plan on asking him what the hell he was doing looking for a body.
Detective John Munch: When you should be asking why he called Olivia instead of you.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: That's a separate issue and trust me, I will address that.
Detective John Munch: No doubt with your usual diplomacy.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: [yelling] What goes on between me and my son is none of your damn business!
Captain Donald Cragen: [yelling] But it is mine! And right now, I want to know whose body it is, where it is, and who put it there.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: You mind if I listen in?

Detective John Munch: [to Cragen] Husband's a wreck, Captain. We'll pull the murder book and go back over the canvass.
Captain Donald Cragen: That's not necessary. Ken Randall is now a viable suspect in the Stansfield homicide. I've already started a file and authorized an excavation for the lot for tomorrow morning.
[to Fin]
Captain Donald Cragen: Were you aware your son was charged with sexual assault of a neighborhood girl when he was 16?
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: No.
Captain Donald Cragen: Charges were dropped when the girl recanted.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: You ever think she might have changed her story 'cause she lied to the police?
Captain Donald Cragen: Well, I intend to find out. Do I need to remind you to stay hands off during this investigation?
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: No, sir.
Detective John Munch: Five-year-old vacated charge is a reach, Captain. What's the motive? Where's the connection between Fin's son and the victim?
Captain Donald Cragen: Proximity. Ken Randall and his mother used to live in the building across the street from the crime scene, but since your partner already knows that, I guess lying runs in the family.
Detective John Munch: [to Fin] What the hell do you think you're doing? Why would you hide something like that?
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: I'm trying to protect my son.
Detective John Munch: From what? You think he did this?
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: I think if you can make a case against him, it won't matter whether he did it or not.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Alternate (#9.1)" (2007)
Sergeant John Munch: You can't talk to her.
Det. Elliot Stabler: John, I don't care if they crowned you Chief of D's, I'm not taking orders from you.
Sergeant John Munch: You can't talk to Froot Loops because her lawyer's in with her.

Sergeant John Munch: This job sucks!


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Gone (#7.16)" (2006)
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: [looking at footage from toll booth videos] All the exhaust and filth dirtying up the camera lens, how do these faces and plates come out so clear?
Detective John Munch: How does a spy satellite see you taking a crap from 22,000 miles in space?

Officer Bamford: Name's Keith Willis, a.k.a. your friendly neighborhood drunk.
Detective John Munch: Right where any respectable alchoholic would be at 10:00 in the morning.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Keith Willis?
Keith Willis: Durvo.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Durvo?
Officer Bamford: Must be Bulgarian. Keith thinks he's their ambassador to Washington.
Keith Willis: You know who I am.
Detective John Munch: Yes, I have orders to confirm ID.
Keith Willis: [Willis takes out the victim's passport]
Detective John Munch: Sir, we need to escort you to Foggy Bottom immediately


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Tortured (#4.16)" (2003)
Det. John Munch: [after an INS bureaucrat complains about immigrants coming to America] It's almost as though there's a sign that says "Give us your tired and poor."

Laurie Schneider: I had to ride home in my stocking feet.
Det. John Munch: At least you got to keep both of yours. The next woman wasn't so lucky.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Prodigy (#3.13)" (2002)
John Munch: [on seeing a map of New Jersey's chemical sites] "Garden State" my ass. I guess "chemical capitol of the world" didn't have the same zing.

Odafin Tutuola: Here's the last case she closed. This guy Jake moves into the basement at his parents' house with his new bride, Missy. Dad walks in on them on their wedding night.
Det. John Munch: How is that animal cruelty?
Odafin Tutuola: Missy's a German shepherd.
Det. John Munch: That's perfectly legal in twenty-six states.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Russian Love Poem (#1.12)" (2000)
John Munch: What's your real name?
Bull Dozer: "Bull Dozer" is my real stage name.
John Munch: Ah, the "nom d'amour".
Bull Dozer: Don't I look the part? I'm gonna make it.
John Munch: You're really in porn?
Bull Dozer: No, not yet. But soon, very soon. I just do these cheesey commercials for the money, but I was born to be in porn.

John Munch: [Referring to sodomized murdered ambassador] They still didn't have to shove a banana where the sun don't shine. That's just rude.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Folly (#2.17)" (2001)
Fin Tutuola: I'm not staying in here with all these cancer-causing particles flying around.
John Munch: Stop worrying. As an African-American you're statistically far more likely to die of diabetes, high blood pressure, or heart disease.
Fin Tutuola: Or a bullet.

[Fin comes walks up in a Doctor's mask]
John Munch: What's up Doc?
Fin Tutuola: Not taking any chances.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Dolls (#4.7)" (2002)
John Munch: Why do we always get the trash detail?
Odafin Tutuola: 'Cause we're the right men for the job.
[finds something in the trash]
Odafin Tutuola: Plus we've got the will and we got the skill.

Odafin Tutuola: Violet's telling the truth.
John Munch: Junkies lie all the time. Your words.
Odafin Tutuola: You didn't talk to her.
John Munch: Then let her see the body.
Odafin Tutuola: The child had no face. No mother can handle that.
John Munch: Sounds like you're lacking a little objectivity.
Odafin Tutuola: Why? 'Cause I'm not handling things your way?
John Munch: The department doesn't have a budget for Violet's hotel room. You're paying for it, aren't you?
Odafin Tutuola: So what?
John Munch: Well, I guess she is kind of cute.
Odafin Tutuola: Look, somebody knows who took Nina after Mrs. Hawkins died. We've gotta canvass her neighborhood. Let's go.
John Munch: I still think you ought to let her view the body.
Odafin Tutuola: Are you coming or what?
John Munch: How do you even know she has a kid? Maybe she's using Cherish Doe for a handout.
Odafin Tutuola: I pulled the birth certificate myself, so back off.
Elliot Stabler: [walks up to Fin and Munch] Lover's quarrel?
Odafin Tutuola: Gonna be a domestic dispute if Munch don't get out of my face.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Full Court Press (#6.18)" (1998)
Det. John Munch: Did you go after guys like that?
Det. Stuart Gharty: Yeah, I was a kid doing kid things. It's testosterone, hormones...
Det. John Munch: I hated guys like you in school.

Det. Stuart Gharty: [Munch goes on about the torment he suffered in high school at the hands of people like Gharty] For all the crap you went through, take your best shot at me.
Det. John Munch: Okay.
[picks up a glass ashtray and swings at Gharty]
Det. Stuart Gharty: Whoa whoa whoa!
[grabs Munch's arm]
Det. Stuart Gharty: How about if I buy you a beer?
Det. John Munch: A beer's going to take away the crap I went through?
Det. Stuart Gharty: No, but it'll get that asthray out of your hand.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Ridicule (#3.10)" (2001)
Odafin Tutuola: [about Amelia Chase] These day traders live pretty good: short hours, spa days. What the hell is she doing in there?
John Munch: Beauty treatments take time. Mud bath, cellulite dissipation, an exfoliating facial. Time and money. Some women learn early how to waste both.
Odafin Tutuola: Your ex-wives made you bitter.
John Munch: Not bitter, just resigned.

Olivia Benson: Pam Adler was in that bedroom.
John Munch: Which means Amelia Chase is probably the third member of this rape troika.
Elliot Stabler: I'm not so sure he's being entirely candid.
Olivia Benson: He was raped, Elliot.
Elliot Stabler: He's an actor. He's trained to make us believe.
Odafin Tutuola: Three women at the same time, most guys would call that lucky.
Olivia Benson: So we're saying that men are sex hounds and only women can feel violated? That's gender bias.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Law & Disorder (#3.15)" (1995)
Det. John Munch: [after seeing a picture of himself in an art gallery] I'm naked! My dingle is blowing in the wind!

Tim Bayliss: How 'bout you help me out on the Pratt murder?
Det. John Munch: [laughs nervously] Conflict of interest 104, never get involved in the homicide investigation of someone who tried to KILL you!
Tim Bayliss: [incredulous] That makes sense... you know, John, I was at Iceros the other day, and I was talking to these two waitresses who were working yesterday, and... no one remembers ever seeing you.
Det. John Munch: ...No kidding...
Tim Bayliss: ...Yeah...
Det. John Munch: Well... it was, uh, Zorba's or Gian's... I'd been driving around in a regressive purple haze... there's documented cases of that happening, you know.
Tim Bayliss: ...Yeah... you know, there's not.
Det. John Munch: [drops the glass he is holding, looking annoyed] ... You want my gun, Detective? I carry a glock, just like you. Want to check it out and see if it's been fired recently?
[Munch holds out his gun, looking rather suspicious]
Det. John Munch: Huh? GO AHEAD!
[Bayliss picks up the gun and Munch stands back, a slightly worried look in his eyes, but says nothing. Bayliss holds the gun but at the last second, hands it back without checking it]
Tim Bayliss: ...Here.
Det. John Munch: ...I gotta make a phone call.
[walks away apprehensively]
Tim Bayliss: Yeah...


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Retro (#10.5)" (2008)
John Munch: According to Hutton, AIDS is a global conspiracy funded by pharmaceutical companies to make big bucks.
Odafin Tutuola: And commit genocide. My parents believed the government created HIV in a lab, and the CIA spread it in the prisons to kill blacks and gays.

John Munch: Couple hundred people say that Hutton is the greatest doctor since Albert Schweitzer.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Trials (#10.1)" (2008)
Sergeant John Munch: Captain, Fin and I are thinkin' of going in on a bar. You wanna buy in?
Captain Donald Cragen: Well gee, John, I don't know. Let me run it by the guys at my next AA meeting.

[learning Fin wants to transfer out of SVU]
Sergeant John Munch: One more person leaves me, I'm gonna start taking it personal.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hammered (#11.4)" (2009)
John Munch: [to Dalton] If I had a nickel for every dead prostitute...
Dalton Rindell: I never woke up with I've never used a prostitute.
John Munch: Sorry, without gallows humor to cope with what we see every day, I'd go stark raving mad.
Odafin Tutuola: What do you mean, go?

Captain Donald Cragen: [to Olivia and Elliot] Now, what part of taking a killer rapist on a field trip sounded like a bright idea?
John Munch: Dalton wasn't technically under...
Captain Donald Cragen: Zip it, John. They are perfectly capable of making their own half-assed excuses.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Rooftop (#3.4)" (2001)
Fin Tutuola: Problem is, even if the woman lies about her age, it's still the man's fault.
John Munch: Ignorance is no defense.
Olivia Benson: Nashika Morris is 14. She's not a woman; she's a girl.
Fin Tutuola: What's the guy supposed to do? Check the girl's birth certificate? I'm just as opposed to rape as everybody else in this room, but if she wanted to have sex, that's her choice. She wasn't forced.
Elliot Stabler: She's a minor. What she wants isn't relevant.
A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot: [as she and Dr. Huang walk into the squad room] Are we interrupting?
John Munch: Friendly disagreement.

John Munch: [about Leon Tate after he dies from a drug overdose] Guy OD's two weeks out of prison. Talk about bad karma.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Beef (#11.20)" (2010)
John Munch: DNA sweat stains, so now you have to watch where you sweat.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Wonders of science, baby.

John Munch: [birds in a cage] If only they could talk.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Well I'm no Dr. Dolittle, but a swab of the dog's mouth might tell us if he bit the perp while trying to protect her.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Need a vet?
Dr. Melinda Warner: No, I can do it, come here, boy.
[swabs dog's mouth, pauses]
Detective Elliot Stabler: You okay?
Dr. Melinda Warner: He's just a dead ringer for my dog, Petey.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I didn't know you had a dog.
Dr. Melinda Warner: Yeah well, with the work I do, it's nice to come home to something breathing.
John Munch: Yeah, we had a dog once, my father tripped over it and took him back to the pound the next day.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Lay down with dogs, wake up with fleas. Same with men.
[looks at victim murdered in her bed]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Funny Valentine (#14.16)" (2013)
[after several vain attempts to convince a pop singer to leave her abusive boyfriend]
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: So what do we do now?
Sergeant John Munch: We wait.
A.D.A. Rafael Barba: For what?
Detective Olivia Benson: The inevitable.

Sergeant John Munch: [about Caleb Bryant and Misha Green] They should go on a double date with Chris Brown and Rihanna.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Silence (#3.23)" (2002)
Gus Yoder: Please! Don't touch me. I'll go where you want... but don't touch me.
Fin Tutuola: Looks like we got us a racist.
John Munch: I'm a Jew. Is that better or worse?

John Munch: Sit down Gus, you're making me nervous.
Gus Yoder: I'm not sitting there. It's disgusting.
John Munch: It's a chair.
Gus Yoder: It's filthy! Think of all the scum that has sat there!
Fin Tutuola: Yeah, you for one.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Zen and the Art of Murder (#7.17)" (1999)
John Munch: I've got the flu or something. I think I'm gonna take a medical day.
Meldrick Lewis: Eh, you'd better be coming down with more than the flu! You'd better be on your way to a COMA!

John Munch: [Munch picks up a spoon] I hate to disappoint you, but that's not a murder weapon.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Forgive Us Our Trespasses (#7.22)" (1999)
John Munch: Since I don't practice Billie Lou's religion, I had to sign these papers to agree to raise our kids Catholic.
Laura Ballard: [Horrified at the prospect of Munch, who is over a decade older than Billie Lou, having kids with her] ... Whoa, you mean you guys are...
Billie Lou Hatfield: [firmly] NO.

Tim Bayliss: You know who I started thinking about today? Gordon Pratt.
John Munch: [shivering] Gordon Pratt? That little weasel who shot Bolander, Felton and Howard?
Tim Bayliss: Yeah...
John Munch: What the hell are you thinking about that little skunk for?
Tim Bayliss: Well, when he got released, uh, Pratt was found shot to death, and... I was put in charge of the investigation.
John Munch: And a great job you did, too...?
Tim Bayliss: I never really closed that case, John.
John Munch: [annoyed] That's what I mean, he shoots three of our own, so he deserves to have an unavenged death!
Tim Bayliss: [halts in his tracks] ... You really believe that?
John Munch: Yes!
Tim Bayliss: [surprised] You believe he deserves to die...?
John Munch: Yes...
Tim Bayliss: And that his murderer should go free?
John Munch: YES!
Tim Bayliss: [Eyes downcast] You know, when I got shot, my whole perception of the universe just... just completely changed! But when I shot that homeless guy, Larry Moss... suddenly, I knew what it was like to take another person's life. Suddenly I was JUST like the person who killed Adena Watson! See, Frank said that I would never be a good homicide detective because I didn't have the 'killer's instinct'. Frank was wrong... you know, I always suspected you.
John Munch: [nervous] Of what?
Tim Bayliss: ...Killing Gordon Pratt.
John Munch: [freezing, looking shocked] Why in god's name after all this time would you pull Gordon Pratt outta the dirt?
Tim Bayliss: I dunno... just... came to my mind.
[creepily reaches forward and strokes his hand through Munch's hair]
Tim Bayliss: Good night, John-Boy.
[walks away, leaving Munch glaring at the sky vengefully]


"Homicide: Life on the Street: A Dog and Pony Show (#1.6)" (1993)
John Munch: Do I get to witness your historic meeting?
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: [hostile] Sure, unless I GUT you first...

Danny Blythe: Eh Stan, anyone ever jump off this balcony?
[glances out a huge window onto the street]
Danny Blythe: You know, did you ever have a killer, and you were just about to put him away, and he, like, made a break for it
[unlocks window, earning a nervous glance from Bolander]
Danny Blythe: and he runs out the doors... AND OFF THE BALCONY ONTO THE DECK!
[rushes forward excitedly, screaming and laughing]
Danny Blythe: Ah, that's cool, man! That ever happen?
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: No... no.
John Munch: We got a call... Barney Street, shooting.
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: Okay.
Danny Blythe: That's cool, man! Let's do it, let's do it, c'mon... fresh...
[Danny wanders away, leaving Bolander smiling and Munch looking worried]
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: Did he say things are gonna be 'fresh'?
John Munch: [nods his head in puzzled agreement] ... 'Fresh'.
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: [confused] You wanna tell me what that means?
John Munch: It means... uh, neato, keen.
Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: [even more confused] ... 'Neatokey'...? I'm glad you understand these things.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bad Blood (#1.11)" (2000)
Detective Elliot Stabler: Do you know about Olivia's family history?
Detective John Munch: No, what? Alcoholic, dead beat dad, Jehovah's Witness?
Detective Elliot Stabler: All she knows about her father is that he's the man that raped her mother.

Detective John Munch: Why would a gay man work for Langdon, one of the most conservative bigots in the country?


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Nearer My God to Thee (#3.1)" (1994)
John Munch: Goodrich may have been a nun but she had terrible parking habits!

John Munch: You want one?
[Munch holds up a blueberry muffin]
Meldrick Lewis: What... is THAT?
John Munch: It's blueberry.
Meldrick Lewis: Naw man, I don't eat breakfast.
[Munch throws the muffin at the wall for no reason]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Brotherhood (#5.12)" (2004)
Elliot Stabler: What happened to keggers anyway? I mean college kids don't even party anymore. They're too busy making money organizing strip shows and selling porn on the web.
John Munch: We live in perverted times, my friend. How many girls pose topless on that website and how many of them had a problem with it? One: Chloe.
Olivia Benson: Just because the others didn't sue doesn't mean they were any less exploited.
John Munch: You think all the girls on that site felt violated?
Olivia Benson: Pretty much, yeah.
Elliot Stabler: Oh, please. Our culture teaches women the easiest way to become rich and famous is to objectify themselves. Why get a job or an education when you can become the next winner on "The Bachelor"? It's the new American dream.

Vernon Spiers: I was making deliveries till midnight.
John Munch: On a Saturday? I can't even get Domino's to deliver past 10:00 p.m.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hate (#5.13)" (2004)
John Munch: We found the guy who sold her the magazines.
Odafin Tutuola: Doesn't remember what she looked like, what she said or if she was with anyone. And considering what he was snorting, it's a miracle he remembers his name.

Donald Cragen: Whatever this is, let's be careful not to say Muslim men like to burn their wives.
John Munch: No, if they want to burn people, they fly an airplane full of gasoline into an office building.
Dr. George Huang: Excuse me, but they were extremists.
John Munch: Sorry, but my next door neighbor's Iranian. At airports, even he's scared when he sees Middle Eastern passports. I mean, let's get real. People know it's wrong, but they think it anyway.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Spring Awakening (#15.24)" (2014)
John Munch: Look, I know you don't give up on things and you want to save your marriage, but you can't. It's over.
Nick Amaro: It's over?
John Munch: I'm sorry. No one likes to hear this, but if anybody knows when a marriage is over, it's John Munch.

Lieutenant Declan Murphy: Take back your office. Tell everybody godspeed.
[picks up his umbrella an leaves the office]
John Munch: [walks towards the office passing Declan Murphy] I knew that guy. Who the hell is he?
John Munch: Mary Poppins.
Olivia Benson: What?
Olivia Benson: Never mind.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wannabe (#11.23)" (2010)
Olivia Benson: Hold on. Aside from the embarrassment to the department, Fletcher not being a police officer is good news, right? It gets all the evidence back in.
A.D.A. Jo Marlowe: Yeah, Hankett's Fourth Amendment protections only extend to illegal search and seizures by cops, not civilians.
John Munch: Of course, our charming rapist has recourse to sue Fletcher.
Elliot Stabler: Have at it. As long as we get our evidence, this just might work out for the best.

Elliot Stabler: You know, there are plenty of ways to learn cop-speak without going through the training.
John Munch: Police magazines, websites. I post on a couple of these LEO websites. You'd be surprised how many holster-sniffers think they know more than I do.
Odafin Tutuola: If any of them talk less than you, have them give me a call.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Babes (#10.6)" (2008)
John Munch: [pretending to be a homeless person] They're watching us! The CIA! Brain waves!
Elliot Stabler: I've got to say, the man does crazy good.
Odafin Tutuola: Good? That's the same old crap he says every day, only louder.

John Munch: Folks, what's immoral is not always what's illegal. Peggy Bernardi may be a psycho, but she only used words.
Elliot Stabler: Right. Against an impressionable, hormonally volatile teenage girl.
John Munch: So write a new law, but don't trample on the First Amendment.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Stalked (#1.8)" (1999)
[Munch is questioning the owner of a donut shop. He picks up a donut]
John Munch: These safe to eat?
Mr.Tong: Best in town.
John Munch: Not sure if that's a 'yes'.

Brian Cassidy: [Munch has just pointed out to Cassidy how hard it might be for the Canadian police to find their suspect] Sure, rain on my parade.
John Munch: I don't want to just rain on it, I wanna blow up all the floats.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Painless (#5.22)" (2004)
Doctor Amy Solway: Why do you care if I live or die?
Det. John Munch: Because my father killed himself. When I was a kid... I thought it was my fault. The night before he blew his brains out, he punished me for being a wise-ass. I told him I hated his guts. Those were the last words I ever said to him... It haunts me to this day. You're the only person I've ever told.
Doctor Amy Solway: Why me?
Det. John Munch: Because we're the same. I feel guilty; my father was suffering, I couldn't help him. You feel guilty, because of what you did to Christina.

Dr. George Huang: It's ironic, her website gives her a reason to live.
Det. John Munch: Playing God with other people's lives? She's another Kevorkian.
Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Come on, Munch, with all the stuff you' always whining about, don't tell me you never once thought about hanging it all up.
Det. John Munch: I believe life is worth living.
Elliot Stabler: Amen.
Olivia Benson: I'm not sure. If I had a disease like Huntington's and all I had to look forward to was a long and painful death, I can't say I wouldn't think about it.
A.D.A. Casey Novak: [to Olivia] Moredock is going to try and stack the jury with people like you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Surrender Benson (#15.1)" (2013)
Brian Cassidy: Two days, Munch. What's he doing to her, man?
John Munch: You can't think like that.
Brian Cassidy: If she's even still alive.
John Munch: Liv's alive. She's a survivor.

John Munch: Lewis doesn't preplan. He's a savant, instinctual...
Amanda Rollins: But he does follow certain patterns. He's like a cat playing with a mouse.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: And the Rockets' Dead Glare (#1.7)" (1993)
Det. John Munch: Have you ever been high, Stan?
Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: Be serious, Munch.
Det. John Munch: I am being serious. They call it a high for a reason.

Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: Have you ever smoked dope, John?
Det. John Munch: I don't have to answer that.
Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: Nurse, can I have a cup over here? I'd like to test this man's urine.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: The Last of the Watermen (#3.7)" (1994)
Det. John Munch: When was the last time you read a book?

Det. John Munch: [upon Giardello walking away and not wanting to speak to him] I hate Sundays.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Above Suspicion (#14.2)" (2012)
Sergeant John Munch: Doctors are like cops, they don't like making promises.

Sergeant John Munch: [to Fin] And you wonder why I'm into conspiracies, we're LIVING in one.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Hunting Ground (#13.15)" (2012)
Amanda Rollins: [about the suspect] This is a predatory psychopath. He's grooming his victims, handpicking them out of the paper.
John Munch: It's a little early to start profiling this guy. I mean, Roxie's a prostitute, she's a meth head and no one has reported her missing.
Olivia Benson: So we don't care about her?

Olivia Benson: If you ask me, the newspaper's become a front for escort services and underage sex trafficking.
John Munch: I wouldn't hold their advertising against them. They're one of the few papers in New York City doing real reporting.
Olivia Benson: We need to go down to their offices, appeal to their conscience and find out if Brewster set up an account.
Nick Amaro: Good luck.
John Munch: They're gonna preach First Amendment.
Donald Cragen: That's why I'm sending you, John. Play the civil liberties card. Benson, go with. Make sure he doesn't defect.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Quarry (#6.13)" (2005)
Det. John Munch: We're looking for leads on Deacon's murder, not "America's Skankiest Home Videos".

Det. John Munch: Deacon killed Jeffrey Ronsen?
Detective Olivia Benson: It wasn't shame that drove him to suicide, it was guilt. My victim is my perp.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Extreme Unction (#3.3)" (1994)
Det. John Munch: Why don't we charge one of the personalities with harboring a fugitive?

Det. Beau Felton: Anyhow, what do I know? I'm just a silent partner, right?
Det. John Munch: Does he seem silent to you?
[Meldrick shakes his head]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Starved (#7.8)" (2005)
Detective Elliot Stabler: How do you know so much about speed dating?
Detective John Munch: Well, I went through a little dating slump.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: Called adulthood.

A.D.A. Casey Novak: Nobody is suggesting we kill the disabled.
Detective John Munch: The Nazis didn't call it killing either.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Brotherly Love (#7.2)" (1998)
Det. Tim Bayliss: That's a book that I got for Rene.
Det. John Munch: Zen for Beginners?
Det. Tim Bayliss: Yeah, she was asking me some questions about Buddhism.
Det. John Munch: And you're concerned with her spiritual well-being.
Det. Tim Bayliss: Absolutely. Well, y'know, probably I'm also thinking she might go out with me.
Det. John Munch: Let me get this straight: you're interested in Rene romantically?
Det. Tim Bayliss: Yeah. Yeah, why not? She's single, she's beautiful, and she's very open-minded.
Det. John Munch: I knew it about you all along, Timmy.
Det. Tim Bayliss: What's that John?
Det. John Munch: Beneath all that dogma, you're still a dog.

Det. Meldrick Lewis: How the hell could Susan Dehen not know she was sleeping with her boyfriend's brother.
Det. John Munch: Well, you said they looked exactly alike, right?
Det. Rene Sheppard: Yeah, but in bed, there's a lot more going on than the visuals.
Det. Meldrick Lewis: Sound...
Det. Rene Sheppard: Taste...
Det. Meldrick Lewis: Smell...
Det. Rene Sheppard: Touch...
Det. John Munch: Cable.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Protection (#3.12)" (2002)
Detective John Munch: Let me take a crack at him, I speak 10-year-old.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Unorthodox (#9.13)" (2008)
John Munch: Maybe the Hasidim are on to something, unplugging their kids from modern life.
Elliot Stabler: You can't shut out the world, John.
Elliot Stabler: These days may not be such a bad idea.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Waste (#4.8)" (2002)
Fin Tutuola: What was that?
[Munch pulls out some chopsticks out of the trash]
John Munch: Good Police work, here's your DNA.


"Law & Order: Baby, It's You (#8.6)" (1997)
Johnny Ramirez: [mis-reading Munch's guest pass] ..."Defective Monk"?
John Munch: [annoyed] That's "Detective Munch", with a "ch".
Johnny Ramirez: Defective monk... that's like a fallen angel. That's what Brittany was...
John Munch: [sighs, looking sad] Yeah, I can see that.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bullseye (#12.2)" (2010)
Sergeant John Munch: [Referring to a guinea pig that a man is holding] You know, they eat those things in Peru.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Head (#5.25)" (2004)
[about a video camera hidden inside a public toilet]
Det. John Munch: Gives a whole new meaning to "live streaming video".


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Confrontation (#8.5)" (2006)
Detective John Munch: [finding a lead] From now on, I want to be known as the intrepid Detective Munch.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Not the word I would have chosen.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Snitch (#9.10)" (2007)
Olivia Benson: Chuckwei is a polygamist. He's breaking the law.
John Munch: Not in Nigeria.
Elliot Stabler: If it's legal for a man to have three wives over there, what's he supposed to do when he moves here?
John Munch: Well, in France, they make allowances for pre-existing multiple marriages for African immigrants.
Olivia Benson: We're not in France. That's why we had to arrest him.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Lost Reputation (#14.1)" (2012)
[SVU has been ordered to leave Cragen's case alone and go about business as usual]
Sergeant John Munch: Cragen's being set up and we're chasing celebrity crotch grabbers.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Baby Killer (#2.5)" (2000)
John Munch: [about Reyna McCreary owning a gun] You carry that around in your purse?
Reyna McCreary: You know, sometimes I don't leave the hospital until 3:00 a.m. I have to take a subway, a bus and walk four blocks through this neighborhood to get home.
John Munch: You know, carrying a concealed weapon is a felony.
Reyna McCreary: I don't. I leave it at home so the appliances can defend themselves.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Blinded (#9.7)" (2007)
John Munch: Well, it doesn't matter. This indictment's a crock. Picard kidnaps Tiffany in Mississippi and the feds indict him in Louisiana?
Detective Olivia Benson: He raped her there. It's part of the same crime. The Feds can try him in either state.
John Munch: Olivia, they're gonna drop the kidnapping charge and let Louisiana try him for rape.
Casey Novak: Because raping a child under the age of twelve in Louisiana is a capital crime.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Poison (#5.24)" (2004)
Pete Campbell: How can I make you understand? Karen loved Alexis.
John Munch: You mean "loves" Alexis, don't you, Mr. Campbell? Present tense? The girl's not dead yet.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Abuse (#2.11)" (2001)
Detective John Munch: Three more calls.
Detective Elliot Stabler: From Maureen?
Detective John Munch: Not yours.
[to Olivia]
Detective John Munch: Yours.
Detective Olivia Benson: Ashley? Is she okay?
Detective John Munch: No. She saw the latest N*SYNC video and was devastated, as was I.
[beat]
Detective John Munch: She just called to chat.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Fallen Heroes: Part 1 (#6.22)" (1998)
Det. Tim Bayliss: Gharty was shot in the chest.
Det. John Munch: Is he going to make it?
Det. Tim Bayliss: We don't know. Ballard was shot in the ankle.
Det. John Munch: That's not as bad in comparison.
Det. Tim Bayliss: She might lose her foot.
Det. John Munch: God!


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Fallacy (#4.21)" (2003)
John Munch: That explains his pugnacious personality.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pixies (#2.9)" (2001)
Det. John Munch: [to Fin] If I don't keep some mystery, you might get bored and stop loving me.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Responsible (#8.18)" (2007)
Detective John Munch: You could start a bonfire with all the alcohol this one drank. What's your poison, honey?
Reagan Michaels: Shut up, you dirty old man.
Detective John Munch: [feigning offense] Who're you calling old?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Name (#7.7)" (2005)
[Det. Tutola opens a lunchbox at a crime scene, apparently from the late 1970s]
Odafin Tutuola: Okay, always wanted to know this.
Detective John Munch: What?
Odafin Tutuola: Do Twinkies last forever? Give you twenty bucks, take a bite.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Sacrifice (#3.7)" (2001)
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: He's jeopardizing the case and making my job harder. I always take that personally.
Detective John Munch: Early on, I had a partner like you who used to worked up.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: What happened?
Detective John Munch: He ate his gun.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Map of the Heart (#4.19)" (1996)
Det. John Munch: Well, this gets to Internal, I've got a secret for them too.
Det. Mike Kellerman: You'd give me up?
Det. John Munch: On a platter, with an apple stuffed in your mouth.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Perverted (#11.9)" (2009)
[Munch and Fin are at Death Knights Clubhouse]
Sergeant John Munch: What's wrong with you people?
Skull Dawg: You're blocking my shot.
Sergeant John Munch: If somebody cut off my buddy's manhood, I'd be tripping all over myself to help get the guy.
Gutter: Nobody here is gonna suck to the bulls. We'll handle this in-house.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Then we're just gonna have to put eyes on you guys 24/7. You think that'll be good for business?
Skull Dawg: What business? We're a friendly bike club, man.
Sergeant John Munch: Did anyone ever point out to you the grammatical error in your logo? The apostrophe is extraneous.
Skull Dawg: [Slam pool cue down on table] Listen, Skeletor, get your bony ass out of here before someone mistakes you for a pool stick.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Wet (#12.5)" (2010)
John Munch: [Stabler sees him dressed in his patrol uniform] Wet paint plus no clean clothes equals uniforms. Simple math. If only the computers were that simple, huh?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Parasites (#2.19)" (2001)
Valentina Bilescu: [about her business] We match girls with traditional values with men who want wives instead of partners.
John Munch: You mean "stay at home, make my dinner, do the laundry, "be available when I need you for sex" type of woman?
Valentina Bilescu: You make it sound so tawdry. The divorce rate among our couples is half that of the population.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Baggage (#10.18)" (2009)
John Munch: This is not right.
Odafin Tutuola: Six dead women, Munch.
John Munch: That man had a genetic test to establish paternity and we used the results without his consent to try and catch a killer.
Odafin Tutuola: Uh-huh.
John Munch: That's invasion of privacy, man.
Odafin Tutuola: Six dead women, Munch. Let's go.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Home (#5.16)" (2004)
John Munch: I dumped the phones. Other than calls to that shyster Brockmorton, Marilyn hasn't spoken to anybody in days.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Weak (#6.9)" (2004)
Det. John Munch: A visit with mom, an evening of rape. What would Freud say?


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Hostage: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1996)
Det. John Munch: If *I* have a stroke, I get a disability check and a handshake at best.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Cage (#8.8)" (2006)
Detective Elliot Stabler: [arriving at a scene where a van's being lifted out of the water] John, what do we got?
Detective John Munch: The van tried to take a shortcut to Brooklyn. The river got in the way.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: The City That Bleeds (#3.12)" (1995)
John Munch: [staring down at his blood-covered shoes, looking shocked and traumatized] There's blood all over my shoes... they wrecked my shoes...
[tries to wash off the blood with a Kleenex, only to find in horror that it won't come off]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Conned (#11.19)" (2010)
Dr. Melinda Warner: Got a hit on Jack's prints. Popped for identity theft last year. Passed himself off as Donald Trump's son.
John Munch: Quite the entrepreneur. Too bad he's dead. Donald might have adopted him.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Counterfeit (#3.14)" (2002)
[Munch walks by on crutches]
Fin Tutuola: I can't wait to hear this.
John Munch: Your sympathy is overwhelming.
Olivia Benson: What happened to you?
John Munch: Skydiving, hard landing.
Elliot Stabler: He wiped out riding his friend's Harley.
Capt. Donald Cragen: Now the only thing he'll be riding is a desk.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Stocks & Bondage (#1.9)" (1999)
Det. Brian Cassidy: I don't get S&M. I mean, hurt me, it turns me on. Come on, what's up with that?
Det. John Munch: It starts with the tattoos. Once you get the ink, it's just a matter of time before you're begging to be tied up and spanked.
Det. Brian Cassidy: Yeah, tattoos are just a gateway to the sexual dark side, my friend.
Det. Elliot Stabler: [putting his right arm around Cassidy and turning his left arm so one tattoo shows] You guys have finally figured me out, huh?
Det. Monique Jefferies: Seriously, did you get off on the tiny little pinpricks of pain?
Det. Elliot Stabler: No, I get that from workin' with you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Bound (#5.23)" (2004)
Detective John Munch: Answering machine's blinking.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: Probably a collection agency.
Answering machine: Hey, Spevak, you're late again. You better pay up, Doc, or we're coming over.
Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola: Doesn't sound like MasterCard.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Street Revenge (#13.19)" (2012)
John Munch: [after Maria bursts into the squad room to confront Amaro] That right there is why I stopped marrying Italian women.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Wu's on First? (#5.15)" (1997)
Det. Meldrick Lewis: Have you *seen* her?
Det. John Munch: Who?
Det. Meldrick Lewis: Wu.
Det. John Munch: Why?
Det. Meldrick Lewis: [shouts] Whoah!
Det. John Munch: Wu?
Det. Meldrick Lewis: Woo-hoooo!


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Scavenger (#6.4)" (2004)
ADA Casey Novak: I just set a world record getting these search warrants, not to mention risking my life to interrupt Judge Terhune's poker game... again!
Detective John Munch: Oh poor baby, I haven't slept in 40 hours.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: The Wedding (#4.21)" (1996)
John Munch: [shouting to the empty office] You're all SUCKERS!... Yeah.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Limitations (#1.14)" (2000)
Detective Olivia Benson: This guy just stopped?
Det. Elliot Stabler: Eh, maybe he just started wearing a condom.
Detective John Munch: A very thoughtful rapist.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Misleader (#1.17)" (2000)
Det. John Munch: Round 2 we go bad cop on his ass, right Jeffries?
Det. Monique Jefferies: Cool.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: PTSD (#10.9)" (2008)
Donald Cragen: What do we know about the sexual assault?
Detective Olivia Benson: Next to nothing. She was raped in Iraq and couldn't, or wouldn't, identify her attacker.
John Munch: Let me guess, the military will not release an active file.
Odafin Tutuola: Well, if it happened in-country, it had to be somebody she worked with.
Donald Cragen: What unit was she assigned to?
John Munch: A squadron in the 2nd Airwing. Maintenance on light attack helicopters.
Odafin Tutuola: Okay, there's fifteen helos per squadron.
John Munch: So?
Odafin Tutuola: Cobra gets a three-man maintenance team to work on engines, navi, weapon systems, and ordnance. Plus there's two pilots and door gunner per bird.
Detective Olivia Benson: That's over seventy-five suspects.
Donald Cragen: Then narrow it down. Go back to the therapist, see if the victim gave her a name.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Outcry (#6.5)" (2004)
John Munch: [after it's revealed that Luke Luke Delvecchio made a video of Tandi attending the cadets' party] Tandi McCain is 16, so we've got you for promoting the sexual performance of a child.
Luke Delvecchio: What are you talking about?
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: That word too big for you? Try "child porn."


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Strangled, Not Stirred (#6.19)" (1998)
Det. Laura Ballard: [coming into the squad break room after being hassled by reporters outside] Well, the press is in full-assault mode.
Det. John Munch: Two dead white girls in two days, that's their kind of case.
Det. Laura Ballard: [reading the newspaper headline] Martini murders?
Det. John Munch: Yeah, strangled, not stirred.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Twenty-Five Acts (#14.3)" (2012)
Adam Cain: [while being arrested] This is a joke! NYPD got so jammed up with their hooker scandal, they'll do anything they can to distract from it.
John Munch: You don't know when to shut up!
Adam Cain: Court of public opinion, baby. It's my wheelhouse.
Odafin Tutuola: Taking down rapists: that's ours.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: True Believers (#13.6)" (2011)
Sergeant John Munch: Counselor Ellis.
Bayard Ellis: Have we met?
Sergeant John Munch: Sergeant John Munch. I admire your second act.
Bayard Ellis: Um, I'm not sure I get the joke.
Sergeant John Munch: I'm not joking.
[Belzer as Munch and Braugher as Det. Frank Pembleton, a different character, co-starred on Homicide: Life on the Street]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Witness (#11.16)" (2010)
Odafin Tutuola: You think our victim's EDP?
John Munch: Do you remember Marcie on East 53rd Street? Said she got raped every night?
Odafin Tutuola: Saved by Jesus, who flew in on a rocket?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: 911 (#7.3)" (2005)
John Munch: Tutuola! Come and pollute your soul with child porn, my friend!


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Autofocus (#4.3)" (1995)
John Munch: A bar is like the Box. People instinctively want to confess.
Kay Howard: [laughing] I got nothing to confess... I'm not guilty of anything. I'm trying to do my new job as well as I can...
[sighs loudly]
Kay Howard: I try be helpful...
[gazes down sadly at the table]
Kay Howard: People think I'm overbearing, condescending. You were right not to take that exam...
[sighs again]
Kay Howard: It's not so much that I got in Lewis' way... I got in my own way, you know? How could I do that? Work, home... oh my god, listen to me, I am confessing.
[sips on her gin fizz drink, embarrassed]
Kay Howard: This is delicious!
John Munch: Want to dance?
Kay Howard: [laughs loudly] No!
John Munch: [laughs] Yes! No one'll see, there's no one conscious here! Afew smooth steps on the floor...
[Munch turns on the jukebox]
John Munch: Have a little fun.
Kay Howard: ...No.
John Munch: C'mon Kay, let's dance.
Kay Howard: No...
[laughs again]
John Munch: I'll let you lead, alright? C'mon.
Kay Howard: ...Let me lead, alright? You're easy to follow.
[Kay laughs while she dances with Munch]


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Double Strands (#13.4)" (2011)
John Munch: [while on the phone] There's nothing to worry about, Mrs. Reidy. No, just lock your front door. No, that's not him. Because we're looking for a white man. Can somebody please take over for me? I'm gonna go chew some glass.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Design (#7.2)" (2005)
Dr. Melinda Warner: The only explanation is a technique called electro ejaculation.
Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: I don't like the sound of that.
Dr. Melinda Warner: [showing them a machine] Nothing to it. Insert this end in the rectum, an electric shock causes an involuntary ejaculation.
John Munch: Love used to be simpler.
Dr. Melinda Warner: The first procedure was done back in the '70s on a teenager who died in a motorcycle accident. His parents wanted grandchildren. It's called posthumous reproduction.
John Munch: The sperm from a corpse is viable?
Dr. Melinda Warner: If harvested within thirty hours.
Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Will this thing work if the guy's not dead?
Dr. Melinda Warner: They've recently started using this technique on paraplegics and coma victims. If your guys were drugged, they never knew it happened.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Loophole (#8.13)" (2007)
Detective John Munch: It's not a weapon of mass destruction, it's an experimental pesticide, Milsted used it on those kids like guinea pigs. These videos are observing the long term effect it had on them.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Leave it to the prince of paranoia to kick it up a notch, that's out there even for you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Pretend (#8.21)" (2007)
John Munch: [When the detectives discover a photo of Cassandra] That's Cassandra Sullivan.
Donald Cragen: Well, Allentown Warner High knew her as little Loretta Sheridan. I guess she didn't like that name.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Charisma (#6.7)" (2004)
Detective John Munch: [trying to book several female cult members] Once again, can I have your name and any aliases?
[she refuses to answer]
Detective John Munch: I hereby christen you Jane Doe number three.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Alien (#7.11)" (2005)
John Munch: Since when did New York become a red state?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Greed (#3.20)" (2002)
John Munch: [to Cragen] Captain, you got a second?
Donald Cragen: What's up, John?
John Munch: Bad timing. I got jury duty in an hour.
Donald Cragen: And you're just telling me now? Get your ass down there. It's your civic duty, John. The Mayor can do it, so can you.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Delinquent (#12.23)" (2011)
Sergeant John Munch: [after they put the perp in the back of the squad car, Munch looks at Fin and asks] Did he just threaten my hypothetical sister?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Dominance (#4.20)" (2003)
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Ready for this? We're looking for one perp. Lab found a bunch of bloody footprints all made by the same pair of shoes. And I checked VICAP; nobody's active with a similar M.O.
Donald Cragen: It's hard to believe this sadistic son of a bitch just suddenly popped up on the radar screen.
Dr. George Huang: Guy like this was probably in the system before. Sexual assault, rape, burglary, maybe a few street holdups.
Detective Dave Duethorn: Pretty big step from there to making four people sodomize each other and then whacking them. What set 'em off, doc?
Dr. George Huang: Probably one of the victims said or did something to challenge his masculinity. The sodomy was to humiliate them. Killing them was the ultimate power trip.
John Munch: Is this nut job gonna hit again?
Dr. George Huang: If he is a sadist, he enjoyed it, and he'll want more.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Rage (#6.17)" (2005)
John Munch: I was never much into sports. My high school basketball coach said I looked like a retarded gazelle with a spastic disorder. Mr. Daley. Real loving guy.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Monogamy (#3.11)" (2002)
Dr. George Huang: You know, most animal species aren't monogomous.
Detective John Munch: That would explain my whole marital history.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Possessed (#12.12)" (2011)
John Munch: Only in New York can you have no witnesses to a masked man running down the street in his tighty whities.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Infiltrated (#8.6)" (2006)
Detective John Munch: [explaining Benson's absence] Word on the conspiracy mill is she's out having my love child.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: For God and Country (#4.12)" (1996)
John Munch: [to Briscoe] You're either divorced or you hate who you're married to.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Futility (#4.22)" (2003)
John Munch: [after it's revealed that Michael Gardner is nowhere to be found] Locals are putting Gardner's mug shot on the 11:00 news. It'll be in the papers in the morning.
Dr. George Huang: But there's still a possibility that he's staying in town despite the danger. He's already shown a propensity for stalking which means that any number of people could be a target.
Donald Cragen: That's why I want warnings out to the judge, the D.A's, every witness, victim, juror. Anybody who set foot in that courtroom that he could see as an enemy.
Elliot Stabler: [answers the phone] Stabler.
Donald Cragen: That includes you, Olivia. This guy's got a hard-on for you.
Det. Olivia Benson: Good. I hope he tries something.
Elliot Stabler: He did try something. Another attack.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Something Sacred: Part 1 (#6.12)" (1998)
John Munch: Look, sometimes I say things that I shouldn't say.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Influence (#7.22)" (2006)
Captain Donald Cragen: [Discussing Jamie's rape allegations] So she solicited two of her classmates so a third boy would have sex with her?
Detective Elliot Stabler: It looks that way.
Detective John Munch: When I was a kid, girls who had sex were afraid of being called sluts. Now they're auditioning for the title.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Uncle (#8.4)" (2006)
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Munch, I don't think this guy knows you.
Detective Dani Beck: Who is he?
Detective John Munch: His name is Andrew Munch. You locked up my uncle.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Contagious (#6.11)" (2005)
John Munch: [while on the phone] We don't need a psychic. You're that good, who's gonna win the Super Bowl?


Homicide: The Movie (2000) (TV)
Det. Stanley 'The Big Man' Bolander: [after Billie Lou finishes mocking Munch and then walks away] ... Wow. So, that was Mrs. Munch Number 4?
Det. John Munch (NYPD): [sadly] Yeah... do you think I'll never be cut out for the married life?


"Homicide: Life on the Street: Smoke Gets in Your Eyes (#1.8)" (1993)
Det. John Munch: [after finding an apparent suicide in a stable where country music is playing on a portable radio] What do you get when you play a country- western song backwards?
Uniform Roger Gaffney: What?
Det. John Munch: You get your wife back, your job back and your dog back.


"Homicide: Life on the Street: See No Evil (#2.2)" (1994)
Det. John Munch: Maybe I'll just get a van and drive all around this country and wherever that van breaks down, I'll just throw open the back door and perform puppet shows!


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Chat Room (#1.18)" (2000)
Detective John Munch: What do child molesters talk about when they get together?


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: American Tragedy (#15.3)" (2013)
Amanda Rollins: Their attacker is young, black, male, 6 foot, wears a hoodie and a baseball cap.
John Munch: Well, that narrows it down.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Manipulated (#7.15)" (2006)
Detective John Munch: I miss the days when revenge just meant shooting someone.


"Law & Order: Entitled (#10.14)" (2000)
Det. John Munch: Is this what I have to look forward to in my twilight years? Cyber-flirting with Betty and Veronica?


"Homicide: Life on the Street: The Night of the Dead Living (#1.9)" (1993)
Officer Chris Thormann: [Inside the squadroom, Munch relights the candle. Thormann, wearing a tuxedo, walks over to him] What do you do that for, every night?
John Munch: [sounding surprised and slightly annoyed] What's with you?
Officer Chris Thormann: I gotta go to a wedding.
John Munch: At this hour?
Officer Chris Thormann: It's a long story. The wedding's in Connecticut - Old Saybrook. Eva and I are driving up.
John Munch: Oh.
Officer Chris Thormann: I know you're the one who lights the candle.
John Munch: Yeah...
Officer Chris Thormann: So, why?
John Munch: [sounding rather sad] ... It's for all the ones who've been killed.
Officer Chris Thormann: [surprised by Munch's attitude, considering he is usually just a cynical jerk] Uh huh...?
John Munch: What I don't know is, who lit it when I was gone?
Officer Chris Thormann: I did.
John Munch: You?
Officer Chris Thormann: Yeah.
John Munch: Why?
Officer Chris Thormann: I figured it was important to you.
John Munch: It's gonna be our little secret, okay?
Officer Chris Thormann: Yeah, sure, okay.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Traumatic Wound (#14.21)" (2013)
Nick Amaro: [to Rollins about Frank] I don't know what he did or what he saw, but my gut... we don't have his whole story.
Amanda Rollins: Oh, your gut. Good lord.
John Munch: Rollins, problem?
Amanda Rollins: No, Sergeant.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Parts (#6.22)" (2005)
Detective John Munch: You're afraid of your own mortality.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Who isn't?
Detective John Munch: We're all gonna die, Elliot. The only question is when and how.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Turmoil (#11.8)" (2009)
Donald Cragen: Munch, you're in charge.
John Munch: Not again.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Blood (#6.21)" (2005)
Odafin Tutuola: [When Munch and Fin visit Jake Lumet in the hospital] Good morning, Jake. Wakey-wakey.
Jake Lumet: [wakes up to find himself handcuffed to his bed] What? Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, what'd I do?
John Munch: Same old, same old. Sodomized a woman, stole her car and almost killed her baby.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Savant (#9.4)" (2007)
A.D.A. Casey Novak: What am I looking at putting Katie on the stand?
John Munch: ADD, ADHD, and they have trouble responding to criticism.
Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Sounds like you, Munch.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Perfect (#4.24)" (2003)
Odafin Tutuola: [about Dr. Lang] Sounds like the lunatic fringe of medicine.
John Munch: Well, it makes you feel good. What's wrong with that?
Odafin Tutuola: That's the same excuse people use to get high. The doc's nothing more than a dealer with a license.
John Munch: What he's doing is perfectly legal.
Odafin Tutuola: Don't tell me you're thinking about taking this stuff?
John Munch: I've considered it and why shouldn't I add some lean muscle to what you so lovingly call "my bony ass"?
Donald Cragen: You can hit a gym when we close this case. Otherwise, everybody, focus.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Ritual (#5.14)" (2004)
John Munch: [finding a large crate at a murder scene] I hope this isn't what I think it is.
Fin Tutuola: [pries it open] It's a box.
[lifts the lid, they both turn their heads in disgust]
Fin Tutuola: Call the medical examiner.


"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Educated Guess (#13.8)" (2011)
Sergeant John Munch: I don't think this guy premeditates, let alone thinks, we have a description, go back to Laguardia, find the girl.