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: We'll probably head over there right after we bury your mom.
: You like that, Press Junket, that's improv bitch, you can use it.
: So this is it... Andrew Largeman
: So knock... knock and barter for Desert Storm trading cards. Mark
: Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole.
: The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money.
: Does it come with balloons? Mark
: What am I, a birthday clown? NO! It doesn't come with balloons. Suck it off the tap!
: Dude, we've been patient all day but it's my last day in town and you haven't told us what we're doing. I mean, if you had told me we'd be going on a six-hour scavenger hunt for blow I would've passed. Mark
: Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the fucking high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago.
: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day! Sam
: I'm not innocent. Andrew Largeman
: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here! Mark
: Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you. Sam
: He's protecting me. Andrew Largeman
: So? Sam
: He *likes* me! Andrew Largeman
: Don't be cute. Sam
: He's my knight in shining armor. Andrew Largeman
: Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject. Mark
: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker! Andrew Largeman
: Pun intended?
: How about some fucking furniture, man? Jesse
: I bought a chair, but I didn't like it. Sam
: Where is it? Jesse
: [indicating the fireplace
] It's keeping us warm.
: Can you imagine being the guy whose job it is to argue for the right to build a mall on top of a geological phenomenon? Mark
: They love their malls here, man.
: He's defending me. He's my knight in shining armor. Andrew Largeman
: Don't mention knights around Mark, it's a sore subject. Mark
: I'm going to kill that motherfucker. Andrew Largeman
: Pun intended?
: I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better.
[Largeman flounders in the pool
: Dude, maybe you should stay over by the steps. I don't know CPR. Mark
: You look like a wet beaver.
: Mark, he's a knight. Mark
: He's just a fast food knight.
: They sent me to boarding school because they thought I might be dangerous.
] Andrew Largeman
: Oh, are you freaked out? You're like so freaked out. You're like running for the door. You can go, it's okay, don't feel bad. Sam
] That's really funny.
: It's really funny. Why would they think you'd be dangerous? Jesse
: You're like a little detective. Andrew Largeman
: Want to know? Sam
: Yeah. Mark
: You're gay.
: Hey, vagina! Andrew Largeman
: Hey, what's up, guys? Uh, Sam, it's Mark, Dave, and you remember Jesse. Jesse
: Hey. Sam
: Hey. Dave
: What's up? Mark
: Hey, nice to meet you. I'm sorry I said vagina just now. I didn't know you were here. Sam
: Oh, that's okay. Mark
: Nice. Let's get fucked up.
: By the way, it says 'balls' on your face. Andrew Largeman
: [to Mark
] Asshole! Mark
: What? My mum did it.
: How did she die? Mark
: I don't know, she wasn't Jewish, I didn't bury her.
: I do apply myself every day, mom. I work my ass off burying dead people, okay? I'm only 26. I'm not in any rush. What's your rush for?
: Hey! If you ever need a Kato you know where to find me.
: Silent velcro. You lucky mother fucker. Andrew Largeman
: I feel like if I would shown up at school and presented the idea of silent velcro they would have sent me away a whole lot sooner. Sam
: Why did they send you away? Jesse
: Ooh, listen to this girl. Andrew Largeman
: They didn't send me away. Mark
: You just said they sent you away.
: I was the reason she was in a wheelchair. I pushed her. So there that is. Sam
: Shut up. Mark
: Fuck off. Andrew Largeman
: No, that's the truth. Sam
: Why? Andrew Largeman
: It was a complete freak accident, you know? It's one of those things you replay a million times in your head and you see how clearly it was just a complete freak thing. My whole life she was depressed for no reason and, you know, one day... I was a little kid. I was nine years old and I just hated her for that. And I pushed her. And it was innocent! I was just completely frustrated because. Sam
] Because you couldn't make her happy? Andrew Largeman
: Yeah! Fuck yeah. And any other time, you know, any other day she would have just yelled at me and sent me to my room but this day. On this particular day the door of the dishwasher had fallen open. The latch was broken and it would just randomly fall open. That fucking latch. It's really amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic.
] Andrew Largeman
: So anyway, she fell back over the door and hit her neck on the kitchen counter paralyzing her from the waist down. Sam
: Wow. Andrew Largeman
: Still want to compare fucked up families?
: But your mom was in the wheelchair long before you left. Andrew Largeman
: Yeah. Well, I was nine. So they sent me to therapy and put me on these drugs that were supposed to curb my anger and I've been on some form of them ever since. And when I was 16 my psychiatrist dad came around to the conclusion that it probably wasn't the best environment for me to be growing up in, so he sent me to boarding school. And I haven't been home since. Sam
: Until now. Mark
: For her funeral. Andrew Largeman
: Until now for her funeral. Jesse
: I can't believe the retarded quarterback is a pill-popper.
: Hey look, what do you gotta do today? Because, uh, I got you a little going away present but I gotta kind of track it down first. So can you give me a ride? Andrew Largeman
: Yeah, I just uh. Mark
: What? Andrew Largeman
: No, nothing. I just, um. Mark
: Say it. Speak. Andrew Largeman
: I kinda told Sam I was going to hang out with her today. Mark
: She can come. I don't care.