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Quotes for
Ed (Character)
from Shaun of the Dead (2004)

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Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Liz: Shaun?
Shaun: Yeah?
Liz: You see what I'm saying?
Shaun: Yep, totally.
Liz: I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.
Shaun: I know.
Liz: It's not that I don't like Ed.
[Liz looks over at Ed who is playing an arcade game]
Liz: Ed, it's not that I don't like you.
Ed: It's all right.
Liz: It would just be nice if we could...
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Fuck!
Liz: ...spend a bit more time together...
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Bollocks!
Liz: ...just the two of us.
Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Cock it!
Liz: It's just with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flat-mates out and then that only exacerbates things.
Shaun: What do you mean?
Liz: Well you guys hardly get on, do you?
Shaun: No, what does "exacerbate" mean?
Liz: It means um, to make things worse.
Shaun: Right. Well I mean, it's not that I don't like David and Di.
[Shaun looks over at David and Di at the table next to them]
Shaun: Guys, it's not that I don't like you.
David, Dianne: [together] It's all right.
Shaun: And it's not that I don't want to spend time with you cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.
Ed: Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?

[repeated line]
Ed: I've got nothing.

Ed: Any zombies out there?
Shaun: Don't say that!
Ed: What?
Shaun: That!
Ed: What?
Shaun: The zed-word. Don't say it!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because it's ridiculous!
Ed: All right... are there any out there, though?
[looking out of the letter-box, he sees an empty street]
Shaun: I can't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that.
[he turns his head and sees a pack of zombies]
Shaun: Oh, no, there they are.

Ed: Hey, Shaun, look who it is!

[Shaun hits the zombie pub owner with the butt of the rifle]
Ed: Why didn't you just shoot him, man?
Shaun: Ed, for the last time...
[Shaun squeezes the trigger of the gun, and it actually fires!]
Ed: [gleefully] I fucking knew it!

Shaun: [about Ed] He's not my boyfriend!
Ed: [handing beer to Shaun] It might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.
Shaun: Thanks, babe.

David: I'm not staying here.
Liz: David, don't, that's suicide.
Ed: I think you should go.

Ed: Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?

Ed: [pulls the car up] What's up, niggas?

[looking through Shaun's LPs for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies]
Ed: 'Purple Rain'?
Shaun: No.
Ed: 'Sign o' the Times'?
Shaun: Definitely not.
Ed: The 'Batman' soundtrack?
Shaun: Throw it.
Ed: 'Dire Straits'?
Shaun: Throw it.
Ed: Ooh, 'Stone Roses'.
Shaun: Um, No.
Ed: 'Second Coming'.
Shaun: I like it!
Ed: Ahhh! 'Sade'.
Shaun: Yeah, but that's Liz's!
Ed: Yeah, but she did dump you.
Shaun: Oh!

Barbara: [over the phone] Some men tried to get into the house.
Shaun: Well are they still there?
Barbara: [over the phone] I'm not sure, we've shut the curtains.
Shaun: Did you try the police?
Barbara: [over the phone] Well I thought about it.
Shaun: Are you OK? Did they hurt you?
Barbara: [over the phone] No I'm fine. I'm fine.
Shaun: Mum...
Barbara: [over the phone] Well they were a bit... bitey.
Shaun: [concerned] Mum, have you been bitten?
Barbara: [over the phone] No... But Philip has.
Shaun: [calmly] Oh, OK.
Ed: Has she been bitten?
Shaun: [to Ed] No, Philip has.
Ed: [calmly] Oh, OK.
Shaun: Listen, Mum, what sort of state is he in?
Barbara: [over the phone] Oh, he's fine. Bit under the weather.
Shaun: I see.
Ed: What's the deal?
Shaun: [to Ed] We may have to kill my step-dad.

Ed: We're coming to get you, Barbara!

Ed: Don't forget to kill Philip!

Pete: It's four in the fucking morning!
Shaun: It's Saturday!
Pete: No, it's not. It's fucking Sunday. And I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours 'cos every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill! Now can you see why I'm SO FUCKING ANGRY?
Ed: Fuck, yeah!

Ed: What's the plan then?
Shaun: Right.
[cuts to dream sequence]
Shaun: We take Pete's car, we drive over to Mum's, we go in, take care of Philip - "I'm so sorry, Philip" - then we grab Mum, we go over to Liz's place, hole up, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.
Ed: Why have we got to go to Liz's?
Shaun: Because we do.
Ed: But she dumped you!
Shaun: I have to know if she's all right!
Ed: Why?
Shaun: Because I love her!
Ed: All right... gayyy... I'm not staying there, though.
Shaun: Why not?
Ed: If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere familiar, I wanna know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke.
Shaun: Okay.
[cuts to dream sequence again]
Shaun: We take Pete's car, go round Mum's, go in, deal with Philip - "Sorry, Philip!" - grab Mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.
Ed: Perfect!
Shaun: No, no, no, no, no, wait, we can't bring her back here.
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Well, it's not really safe, is it?
Ed: Yeah, look at the state of it.
Shaun: Where's safe? Where's familiar?
Ed: Where can I smoke?
[Shaun and Ed pause then slowly make a realisation]
Shaun: [cuts to dream sequence a third time] Take car. Go to Mum's. Kill Phil - "Sorry." - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold?
Ed: Yeah, boyyyeee!
[Shaun and Ed clang their weapons together]

Shaun: Do you want anything from the shop?
Ed: Cornetto.

Dianne: I don't think he'd leave us, Davs.
David: Wouldn't he? Lizzy, how can you put your faith in a man you spectacularly binned for being unreliable? A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing? It's... This is a pub! We are in a pub! What are we going to do now?
Ed: We could get a round in.

Shaun: They still out there?
[Ed checks, revealing two zombies scratching at the window]
Ed: Yeah. What you think we should do?
Shaun: Have a sit down?

[trying to call the emergency services]
Ed: Shaun, what's going on?
Shaun: Shit, it's engaged!
Ed: How about an ambulance?
Shaun: It's engaged, Ed.
Ed: A fire engine?
Shaun: It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What you want a fire engine for, anyway?
Ed: Anything with flashing lights, you know?

[a jukebox begins playing Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" while the zombie pub owner attacks the group]
Shaun: Who the hell put this on?
Ed: It's on random.
Liz: For fuck's sake!

David: You still haven't met his mum?
Shaun: Not yet!
Dianne: Don't you get on with your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: It's not that I don't get on with her...
David: Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: No! I love my mum!
Ed: I love his mum too.
Shaun: Ed!
Ed: [singing] She's like butter!
Shaun: Ed!

[Ed pulls the car over after doing a couple of 360s]
Ed: Whoa, mama!
Shaun: Christ! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Ed: Chill out. Everyone's all right.
Shaun: Stop telling me to chill out!

[Shaun and Ed pull up to Barbara's house and sees Philip's Jaguar in the driveway]
Ed: Oh! Hello! Who's a pretty boy, then?
[wolf whistle]
Ed: You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those.
Shaun: Yeah, well, it's Philip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood.
Ed: Fuck. It's gorgeous.

Jeremy Thompson - Newsreader: To recap, it is *vital* that you stay in your homes. Make no attempt to reach loved ones, and avoid all physical contact with the assailants.
Ed: Do you believe everything you hear on TV?

[Shaun has just fought a zombie unassisted]
Shaun: [sarcastically] Feel free to step in any time!
Ed: You did all right.
David: I didn't want to cramp your style.

Ed: What happened to your hand, man?
Pete: I got mugged on the way home.
Ed: By who?
Pete: I dunno by some crackheads or something, one of them bit me.
Ed: Why'd they bite you?
Pete: I don't know, I didn't stop to ask them! Now, I have a splitting headache, and your stupid hip hop isn't helping. And the front door is open... AGAIN!
Ed: It's not hip hop, it's Electro. Prick... Next time I see him, he's dead.

Ed: Big Al says so.
Shaun: Yeah, but Big Al says dogs can't look up!

Shaun: Pete? Pete?
Ed: Why don't we just go up?
Shaun: No. No. Wait. No. No! Don't go up there!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because A, he might be one of them, and B, he might still be annoyed. Pete? Maybe he went into work.
Ed: Well, how come he didn't drive? His keys are still here.
Shaun: Well, maybe he got a lift; he said he wasn't feeling very well. Pete?
[There is a pause]
Shaun, Ed: [together] He's not in.

[Shaun and Ed back up to the body of a man they've just hit and Shaun rolls down his window]
Shaun: Are you all right?
Ed: Come on, let's just go.
Shaun: Hello?
Ed: He's going to be dead either way.
Shaun: Ed, that's not the point!
[the body rises and moans, zombified, at Shaun and Ed]
Shaun: Oh thank God for that.

Ed: You gonna thank me then?
Shaun: For what?
Ed: Tidying up!
Shaun: Doesn't look that tidy.
Ed: Well, I had a few beers when I finished.

David: What are we going to eat?
Dianne: Toasties!
Ed: There's a Breville out back.
David: Great. Saved by nibbles.

Barbara: My, how you've grown!
Ed: Yeah, you'd better believe it.

Shaun: You're the one that's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!
David: I'm not a chartered accountant!
Shaun: Well, you look like one!
David: I'm a lecturer.
Shaun: You're a twat!

Ed: Do you want your messages?
Shaun: What?
Ed: Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
Shaun: *What*?

[last lines]
Videogame Voice: Player two has entered the game.
[Ed, now a zombie, tries to bite Shaun]
Shaun: Ed!
Ed: [groans]

[Shaun sits down next to Ed, who's playing a videogame, and presses a button on the controller]
Videogame Voice: Player 2 has entered the game.
Ed: Don't you have work?
[Shaun presses a button again and gets up]
Videogame Voice: Player 2 has left the game.

[while he is disguised as a zombie, Ed's phone rings and he answers it]
[others look horrified]
Ed: Two seconds!
[he chats on his phone until Shaun knocks it out of his hand]
Ed: Oi! What are you doing?
Shaun: [shouts] What am I doing? What are you doing, you stupid moron?
Ed: Fuck off!
Shaun: [shouts] You fuck off! Fuck fucking off! I've spent... look at me! I've spent my entire life sticking my neck out for you and all you ever do is fuck things up! Fuck things up and make me look stupid! Well, I'm not going to let you do it any more. OK? Not today!
Liz: Shaun!
Shaun: What?
[sees the hundreds of zombies staring at them]
Shaun: Oh.

Ed: I'm sorry, Shaun.
Shaun: It's OK.
Ed: No, I'm *sorry*, Shaun.
Shaun: What?
[smells Ed's fart]
Shaun: Oh, God, that's rotten!
Ed: I'll stop doing it when you stop laughing!
Shaun: I am not laughing!

[repeated line]
Ed: Two seconds!

Shaun: [looking behind Ed's shoulder at the old woman in the pub] All right, what about her, then?
Ed: [looking back at her, then to Shaun] Ooooooh... cockacidal maniac. Ex-porn star. She's done it all. They say she starred in the world's first interracial hardcore loop...
[moves his hands to indicate sex]
Ed: Café au lait...
[points at Shaun]
Ed: ... pour vous!

Shaun: [to a girl in the garden] Excuse me?
[no response]
Shaun: Excuse me?
[no response]
Shaun: Hellew?
[no response]
Ed: [picks up a pebble and throws it off her back] Oi!
[girl turns round, a zombie]
Shaun: Oh, my God! She's so drunk!

Liz: Goodbye, Ed. Love you.
Ed: Cheers!
Shaun: I love you too, man.
Ed: Gaaayy!

Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time.
Shaun: Oh, don't, man.
Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with clichés. But what I will say is this?
Ed: It's not the end of the world.

Ed: There's a girl in the garden.
Shaun: What?
Ed: In the garden, there is a girl.

Shaun: Well maybe one should do the other, and then do themselves.
Liz: Oh maybe you should do me, I'll only muck it up if I have to do myself.
[Shaun mimes shooting Liz and then himself, to see how it feels]
Shaun: You know, I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlfriend all in the same night.
Liz: [pauses] What makes you think I'd have taken you back?
Shaun: Well... You don't want to die single do you?
Ed: [interrupting] That's it. I would like to be shot.
Shaun: Besides, I've changed. I haven't had a fag since yesterday, I promise!
Ed: He hasn't!

[David points a gun at Shaun's mother Barbara]
Shaun: Don't point that gun at my mum!
Ed: Don't point that gun at Barbara!

[Ed is driving Philip's Jaguar very fast, dodging other cars as he tries to escape the zombies]
Philip: [pompously] You *do* realise this is a 20 mph zone?
Ed: [grinning] Oh yeah!

Ed: [Directing Shaun on where to shoot] There!
Shaun: Where?
Ed: Three o'clock!
Dianne: Oh! Over there again. Quarter to twelve.
Shaun: What?
David: Eleven forty-five!
Shaun: Keep it simple!
Ed: Top left!

David: [Points a gun at Shaun's mother Barbara]
Shaun: Don't point that gun at my mum!
Ed: Don't point that gun at Barbara!

[the jukebox starts playing a love song after Liz has broken up with Shaun]
Ed: Who the hell put this on?
Shaun: [tearfully] It's on random.

[repeated line]
Ed: Cock it!

Liz, Declan: [as each survivor passes by their parallel counterpart] Hi.
David, Mark: [formally] Hello.
Dianne, Maggie: [friendly] Hi!
Barbara, Yvonne's Mum: [politely] Hello.
Ed, Cousin Tom: [too involved with their cell phones, briefly glancing at each other, muttering] Hello.