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: [breaking out of a freeze
] Hi, Susan! Grace
: Oh, thank you, God. Bruce
: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. Bruce
: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off? Grace
: [gasps in disbelief
: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal.
[mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat
] Control Booth Operator
: Oh, boy. Bruce
: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill... Bill, Ferry Owner
: That's all right. Bruce
: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk. Grace
: Come on. What are you *doing*? Bruce
: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job? Bill, Ferry Owner
: Hey, man, I don't want any problems... Bruce
: [messes his hair
] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock
: of my life, eroding beneath me?
[sticking his face into the camera
: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding. Jack
: Cut the feed. Cut to black. Control Booth Operator
: I'm on it. Bruce
: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!
: Maybe I should be more like Evan. Jack
: You don't want to be like Evan, Evan's an asshole. Bruce
: Well I can be an asshole. Jack
: No Bruce, you can't.
[Bruce whacks Jack's sandwich out of his hands
: You going to pick that up? Bruce
: Yeah I'm sorry.
: I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self. Jack
: You did that in a day? Bruce
: Imagine what I could do in seven...
: There he is, the man of the hour! Bruce
: Bless you, bless *all* of you! Be fruitful... and do long division or something!