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: Alright, Ventura. Make it quick. Ace Ventura
: I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It belonged to a 1984 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking mental institute escapee. I saw the guy's room. Cozy if you're Hannibal Lecter!
: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell? Ace Ventura
: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.
: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone. Ace Ventura
: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.
[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head
] Ace Ventura
] Please don't kill me. I'll never tell anyone. Kill him, he's the one you want. Dan Marino
: No, no kill him. Ace Ventura
: No kill him. He held the ball wrong, remember? Come on, look at the guy.
[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air
] Dan Marino
: Cry-baby. Ace Ventura
: Jock. Dan Marino
: Whimp. Ace Ventura
: Muscle-head. Lois Einhorn
: SHUT UP.
: What would you know about pressure. Ace Ventura
: Well, I have kissed a man.
: We'll find the porpoise. Ace Ventura
: [to Lt. Einhorn
] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.
[Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching
] Ace Ventura
: Holy testicle Tuesday. Lois Einhorn
: What the hell is he doing here? Ace Ventura
: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
: [after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers
] Shoot him! Shoot him! Emilio
] Hold your fire!
[walks in with Melissa, gun to his head
: Don't shoot! Melissa
: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!
: She's not joking! Lois Einhorn
: [ignoring them
] He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was going to kill Dan Marino and meeeeee! Ace Ventura
: Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section a little more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up the NFL's "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.
[takes deep breath
] Ace Ventura
: What you wouldn't read about was how Ray Finkle lost his mind was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino for whom he blamed the entire thing!
[takes another deep, relief breath
: What the hell are you talking about? Ace Ventura
: SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man. Lois Einhorn
: He's lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!
: And somebody get me some coffee! Ace Ventura
: Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss some coffee.
: DIE ANIMAL BOY! Ace Ventura
: Quick Decision
: [to Emilio
] Who let Dr. Dolittle in?
: You've done some fine detective work... 'Ace'. Ace Ventura
: I'm sorry. Could you please speak in to my good ear? I thought I heard you call me Ace.
: You're certain you had to open this door. Aguado
: Yeah, I'm certain. Lois Einhorn
: What's the point, Ventura? Ace Ventura
: Only this.
: I need some refreshments, Dan. Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I'll be right back, Dan.