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: If you believe me, my young friend, there is nothing - absolutely nothing, half so worth doing as - simply messing around in boats!
: Oh, what dust clouds I shall make! What carts I shall fling into the ditch! Ratty
] Toad, come down here! Mr. Toad
: As you wish, Ratty.
: We're attacking Toad Hall tonight. Mr. Toad
: Right! Oh! Oh, with armies, and navies, and... Badger
: No, no, no, just *ourselves*. Mr. Toad
] A bit of a comedown on that. Hmm. We'll never get past the sentries. Ratty
: We are *not* going PAST them! We are going unnnnnder them. Moley
: Gonna use the secret tunnel to Toad Hall. Mr. Toad
: Splendid idea!
: As penance, I shall build you a new boat. An-and wear the washerwoman's dress to the end of my miserable day.
[seeing the hatrack empty, but still peering around it
] Mr. Toad
: Hello, where is it? I-I left it hanging right here. Ratty
: The dress? Oh, Mole took it out before. Mr. Toad
: Mole? Really? Hm, didn't think him the type.
: [as Ratty starts digging snow away to reveal Badger's doorscraper
] Wha - what're you doin? My leg *hurts*! Ratty
: [stops digging when he sees half the doorscraper
] Oh, ha-ha! Bravo!
[starts dancing triumphantly
: Aha - bra - vo, I found whatcha tripped over! Moley
: *What?* Ho - how? Ratty
: [digging more snow to reveal the other half of the doorscraper
] Look, see? It's a doorscraper. Moley
: A what? Ratty
: Used to scrape mud off the boots.
: Ah dear, ther-there's no bread. An-and no butter! Mr. Toad
: No bread? But I distinctly recall purchasing several crisp baguettes this morning, along with some marvelous French "beurre", butter to you. Ratty
: [going inside the wagon
] Wouldn't it be in there, right next to the pate de foie gras?
: [rummaging through the wagon for pate de foie gras
] Not only is there not any pate de foie gras, there's no champagne!
[peering out the wagon door towards Toad, calls to him accusingly
] *You* have forgotten everything! Mr. Toad
: Oh, surely there's *something*. Moley
: There's *nothing*! Ratty
: It would be easier to say what we *don't* have.
: [after Ratty dances next to Badger's doorscraper a second time
] How dare you dance a jig around a doorscraper while my leg is throbbing? Ratty
: [impatiently but stiffly
] But don't you see what that means, you dull-witted animal?
: [during Toad's victory banquet
] He kept his word. Ratty
: Quiet as a possum. Moley
: Modest as a mouse. Badger
: Too good to be true. I don't trust the little bounder.
: I say, Rat, forget writing poetry?
] Mr. Toad
: Let's race! Ratty
: Not today, Mr. Toad. Mr. Toad
: [as Ratty rows away
] Oh, spoilsport.
: Shall we have some dinner? Filet mignon, crepes, lobster, and Peking duck? Ratty
: There's a banquet for you. I know some animals who would give their ears to be sitting down to supper with us tonight.
: What good is poetry when everybody's moving on? Hm - everyone but me. And to think, a road goes past my very door, and I only know a mile or two of it.
: [writing his letter to Toad
] And to this very day... Badger
: Ratty! Toad's escaped from prison. Flew the coup. Gone. Ratty
: Gone? G-g-g-g-gone where? Badger
: Heaven only knows.
: Ratty... Ratty... Ratty
] Time for a nap. Moley
] Before you slip off, uh-uh... uh, Ratty? Ratty
: Huh? What is it? Moley
: Couldn't we invite Badger over? I-I haven't met him yet. Ratty
: I told you a thousand times...
: he'd never come. Moley
: Oh uh, Ratty, Ratty... Ratty
: Uh... uh... what? Moley
: But suppose we call on him? Ratty
: *Nooooo*! He hates company, society invitations, and all that sort of...
: thing. Moley
: Well, we could chance it. All he could do is turn us out. Ratty
: [rising to ultimately warn Moley in an arm-flailing manner
] He lives in the middle Wild Wood, and nobody would dare the Terror of the Wild Wood at this time of year. Moley
: [trying to retreat back
] But, but uh... Ratty
: It's a long way, and *much* too dangerous!
: Help me right the boat, then we'll both row down to Toad Hall, and I'm going to give him what for. Moley
: Together? Ratty
: Of course. Moley
: After all these years alone in the hole, I would thoroughly enjoy doing something - together.
: [glancing toward Badger's doormat
] Look. A doormat. Moley
: So - can we eat a doormat, or can we sleep under a doormat, or ride home in the snow on it, you exasperating rodent? Ratty
] Doesn't it tell you anything? Moley
: Whoever heard of a doormat telling - ? Ratty
: Not another word, you thick-headed beast. Dig.
[he and Moley dig snow around Badger's home till it all collapses to reveal his home
] My new friend, Mole, had entered into the joy of running water, and for the first time in his life he heard the sound of the wind in the reeds and willows.
: [riding in Ratty's boat for the first time
] So uh, this is a river? Ratty
: *The* river. It's my world, and I don't know any other.
: [with a dreamy look on his face at first, then looking up briefly
] The song has died away into reed-talk. Moley
: But what do the words mean? Ratty
: Ah, that I don't know. I really passed them onto you the way they reached me.
: [as he and Moley stare at the bed sheets hanging from the window that Toad used to escape from Toad Hall
] He did awfully well. Badger
: He did *you* awfully well. Well - we'd better stay here for a while. Toad may be brought back at any moment, on a stretcher or between two policemen.
: Well now, what's the news on the riverbank? How's old Toad getting on? Ratty
: From bad to worse. Moley
: With all of his contraptions, you know. Badger
: All? How many has he had? Moley
: He smashed up six, then - then there was that stone wall, and then...
] I hate company. If you're company, I'll hate you with the rest. Moley
] He hates company. Badger
: I hate company. Moley
: Don't invite him, he's a certifiable pest. Badger
: I hate company! Moley
: He hates company. Badger
: Being alone is best.
: The snow's changed everything!
: I don't recognize a thing. Moley
] Well... actually, it - it's a bit late to call on Badger. And Rat, we'd better head back home. Ratty
: And what makes you think that we can *find* our way home?
: We're lost, my friend! Lost...!
: [to Badger
] Do you suppose we're being too hard on Toad? He's been locked up in that room for weeks. And now he's taken to his bed; he won't eat, hardly says a word... Badger
: He's weakening. In a few more weeks, he'll be reformed. Keep a keen eye on him, Ratty, while we do the marketing. Come along, Moley.
: [his boat perched atop a tree
] You ought to be arrested, Toad! Moley
: [after coming out from his hole, he ducks back inside, blinded by the day light
] Oh... oh, my eyes. Ratty
: What's wrong down there? Moley
: It's - it's the day light. I've never seen it before. Ratty
[he and his boat fall from the tree when a green bird takes flight from it; he and his boat crash next to Moley's hole
: Ahh, ooh, unh!
: [about Toad
] He'll end up killed or bankrupt. We're his friends. Shouldn't we do something? Badger
] Of course. I can't do anything now. It's winter.
: Dozing? Badger, too? Ratty
: [almost whispering
] No animal is ever expected to do anything strenuous, heroic, or even moderately active during winter. Badger
: When winter's over, we'll take Toad seriously into hand. We'll stand no nonsense. We'll bring him back to his senses even if force is needed. We'll make him a sensible Toad. But now...
: It's time for bed. Ratty
: Yes... we've got a long journey home tomorrow. Moley
: Not the Wild Wood again.
: [as he and Ratty slide down what turns out to be Badger's roof, he trips what later appears to be his doorscraper
] Ow! Oh, my le - g! Ratty
: [hearing Moley's cry for help, he stops sliding and climbs back up to Moley to investigate his leg
] Let me look at that. Your cut... it looks as if... that was made by the edge of something metal. Moley
: Well, never mind what's done it; it hurts just the same, whatever's done it.
: [to the weasels, who are mopping the banquet hall to prepare for Toad's victory banquet
] And make sure you get it spotless; everything must be just so for Toad's victory banquet. Mr. Toad
: But why must I have a banquet? Badger
: It's expected of you; it's the rule! Mr. Toad
: It's short-noticed. But I can whip up an interesting program, I'm sure.
] Mr. Toad
: I could give several speeches of course. Moley
: [as he and Badger shake their heads
] No. Mr. Toad
: And address on our prison system?
[Ratty shakes his head
] Mr. Toad
: A lecture on the techniques of escaping? Badger
: No speeches. Mr. Toad
: Just one little speech? Ratty
: *No*! Your speeches are all conceit and *boasting*, and... Badger
: And gas. Mr. Toad
: Oh, I know then, a short song.
[Badger, Ratty, and Moley shake their heads in unison
] Mr. Toad
: Ah, very well. In sport, I - I will be a very different toad. But oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh, this is a haaaard world...
[Toad enters Rat and Mole's house and faints
: Why... it's a poor old lady. Let's move her over by the fire.
[They move Toad, then his chain ball lands on Rat's foot
: Oww! Toad! What are you doing here? Mr. Toad
: Well, I just, um... sort of... Mole
: Well, this is a merry Christmas... but aren't you afraid of the police? Mr. Toad
: Afraid of the police?
] Mr. Toad
: I? Toad? Afraid of the police?
[laughs more. Then a loud knock and yelling comes from the door
] Angus MacBadger
: [from behind the door
] OPEN UP! OPEN UP, I SAY! Mr. Toad
: THE POLICE!
[while trying to get Toad Hall in order, MacBadger gets interrupted by two knocks on the door, the second one, thankfully, from Rat and Mole
] Angus MacBadger
: Oh, it's you, Rat. And Mole, too. Thank goodness, lads. You've come at last.
[they go into Toad Hall
: Poor MacBadger, he'd reach the end of his rope, or as he said himself... Angus MacBadger
: I'm feelin' like a nervous wreck. Rat
: I say, MacBadger, what seems to be the trouble? Angus MacBadger
] Something's got to be done about Toad! This time, he is goin' too far! Mole
: But he promised us. Angus MacBadger
: Promises? Ha! What good are his promises when these wild manias take him? Now look, you're his dearest friends, are you not? Rat
: Yes. Mole
: Very dear friends. Angus MacBadger
: Then, lads, you've got to find Toad and stop him. Rat
: What's he doing? Angus MacBadger
: He's got a new mania. He's rampagin' about the county in a canary yellow gypsy cart with a horse named Cyril.
[Rat and Mole have interrupted Toad's rampage with Cyril and the cart
: Toad, we want to have a talk with you. Mr. Toad
: Oh, a visit? Splendid. Rat
: Toad, this is serious. You've got to give up that horse and cart. Mr. Toad
: [in disbelief
] Give up my... Oh, but my dear Ratty, this is my career. Surely, you can't mean it. Rat
: I do mean it. You've got to stop this foolishness. Mr. Toad
: No. Rat
: You must! Mr. Toad
: No, I won't do it! Rat
: Your reckless is behavior is giving us animals a bad name. Mr. Toad
: I won't listen to anything!
[he covers his ears and everything Rat says is softened, but whenever he removes his hands from his ears, Rat speaks louder
: Your thoughts are becoming a menace to society. If you won't think of yourself, then think of poor old MacBadger. And as for that horse, no good could ever come from galloping about with such a fast and irresponsible beast.
[when he hears this last part, Cyril covers his ears with his ears. Toad laughs
: I want you fellows to meet my noble steed, Cyril. Cyril Proudbottom
: Aye, that's me.
] Cyril Proudbottom
: A bit of a trotter, a bit of a rotter. How do you do, how do you do, how do you DO? Rat
: [lifting his hat
] How do you do? Cyril Proudbottom
: [to Toad
] Say, gov'nor, your friends appear to be on the stuffy side, what?
[Toad is acting like a motorcar. His friends blame it on his mania for cars and grab him and drag him home
: Mania, that's it. That's what it was, a positive mania. No telling where it would end, either; it may linger for months, and with Toad Hall at stake.
[Toad's friends have successfully escorted him to his room in his home at Toad Hall
: Well, they had no choice. There was only one thing to do: lock the poor chap in his chamber and keep him there until the poison worked out of his system.
[Rat and Mole dress Toad in his nightclothes and throw water over him to stop his acting like a car
: [after Toad stops
] That's better. Rat
: [to Toad
] And you can't escape, you know. Simply no use trying.
[They shut the door and lock it. Toad pounds on the door and tugs on it, trying to open it
] Mr. Toad
: Let me outta here! Open up! Open up, I say! Please, Ratty, Moley, open the door! Narrator
: Now, of course, playing jailer to one's dearest friend wasn't much of an enjoyable experience. In fact, Moley weakened right at the start and wanted to call it quits, but Ratty said, "No. Definitely not." This time they must be firm. After all, it wasn't just a matter of saving Toad from himself. There was MacBadger to consider, and Toad Hall and all that it stood for.
: A motorcar! Gad... what have I been missing?
[Toad, having just seen a motorcar go by him, is so enraptured by it that he starts making noises and moving around like a car
: Ratty! It isn't. He hasn't! Rat
: It is, and he has it: a new mania. Motor mania!
: [frantically to Rat thinking the police are at the door
] Hide me! Hide me, Ratty! Rat
: Sorry, Toad, but you owe a debt to society, and you've got to pay. Mole, let them in.
: Aye, lads, I've just made a very important discovery.
[as he speaks, we cut to Toad Hall, where Winky and the weasels are living now
] Angus MacBadger
: Toad Hall is ablaze with lights. And in possession, a pack of weasels. And the leader of the gang is none other than Mister... Weasels
[Winky shows he has the deed to Toad Hall
: Hip hip hooray!
[end of flashback
] Angus MacBadger
: And so you see, he DID trade Toad Hall for the motorcar. Rat
: Then, Toad was innocent all the time. Angus MacBadger
: Aye, lads, and if only he were here right now...
[Toad, who was clinging to the top of the Christmas tree, suddenly falls into MacBadger's arms
] Angus MacBadger
: Toad! Mr. Toad
] Angus! Rat
: Sorry, Toad. I misjudged you. Mole
: I hope, someday, you'll find it in your heart... Mr. Toad
: Tut, tut. Not another word. To err is human to forgive... Angus MacBadger
: [dropping Toad on the ground
] Thaddeus, not so fast! You're still guilty in the eyes of the law. To prove your innocence, we've got to get that paper away from Winky! Now, I have a plan. We'll sneak in through the secret tunnel...
: [Brushing the stain on Badger's coat
] We can get that out with a bit of salt.
: Before I pass sentence, will the jury care to find him guilty? Rat
: Wait. One of those wabbits is a weasel. Chief Weasel
: No I'm not. I'm a rabbit! The Judge
: [to the jury
] Is he a rabbit? Chief Weasel
] Say I'm a rabbit.
[Rabbits all nod, say "Rabbit" and stroke their long ears
: That weasel is never a wabbit!
: I say! Badger!
: [after crashing his second car
] You know, I really am worried about Toad. Rat
: Oh, don't you worry. It's just another one of his passions. He'll grow out of it. Toad
: [off in the distance
] Poop-poop! Rat
: I hope.
: [having just overflown his friends in his new airplane
] Ha ha! Hello you fellows! Rat
: You maniac! Badger
: LOCK HIM UP! Mole
: Toad! This time you've gone too far! Toad
: Hang motoring! This is the life!
: [Ratty and Moley are both lost in the woods when Mole trips over a boot-scraper, then Ratty finds a doormat
] Well? Doesn't that tell you something? Mole
: [Walking away grumpily
] Doormats tell one nothing. Doormats know their place.
[Mr. Toad has given up his obsession with gypsy caravans and began a whole brand new obsession for motor cars in short order; after a near head on collision with a speeding motorcar
: What are we to do with him? Rat
: [takes out his pipe; curtly and through his teeth, while smoking his pipe
] Nothing... Rat
: *AT* ALL! Toad
: [imitating a motorcar