Ichabod Crane
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Quotes for
Ichabod Crane (Character)
from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1980) (TV)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Sleepy Hollow (1999)
Ichabod Crane: Villainy wears many masks, none of which so dangerous as virtue...

Brom Van Brunt: We haven't heard your name yet, friend.
Ichabod Crane: I have not said it.

Katrina Anne Van Tassel: I have shed my tears for Brom... and yet my heart is not broken. Do you think me wicked?
Ichabod Crane: No... but perhaps there is a little bit of witch in you, Katrina.
Katrina Anne Van Tassel: Why do you say that?
Ichabod Crane: Because you have bewitched me.

Ichabod Crane: It is truth, but truth is not always appearance.

Reverend Steenwyck: Their heads weren't found severed. Their heads were not found at all.
Ichabod Crane: The heads are... gone?
Notary James Hardenbrook: Taken. Taken by the Headless Horseman. Taken back to hell.

Young Masbath: Is he dead?
Ichabod Crane: That's the problem. He was dead to begin with.

The Burgomaster: Constable Crane! This is a song we have heard from you more than once. Now, there are two courses open to me. The first, is to let you cool your heels in the cells until you learn respect for the dignity of my office...
Ichabod Crane: I beg pardon. But why am I the only one who can see that to solve crimes, we must use our brains, assisted by reason, using up-to-date scientific techniques?
The Burgomaster: Which brings me to the second course. There is a town, two days journey to the north in the Hudson Highlands. It is a place called Sleepy Hollow. Have you heard of it?
Ichabod Crane: I have not.
The Burgomaster: An isolated farming community, mainly Dutch. Three persons have been murdered there, all within a fortnight. Each one found with the head lopped off.
Ichabod Crane: Lopped off?
The Burgomaster: Clean as dandelion heads, apparently. You will take these experimentations of yours to Sleepy Hollow, and there you will detect the murderer. Bring him here to face our good justice. Will you do this?
Ichabod Crane: I will.
The Burgomaster: Remember, it is you, Ichabod Crane, who is now put to the test.

Katrina Anne Van Tassel: Will you take nothing from Sleepy Hollow that was worth the coming here?
Ichabod Crane: No. No, not nothing.
[pauses]
Ichabod Crane: A kiss, from a lovely young woman, before she saw my face or knew my name.
Katrina Anne Van Tassel: Yes, without sense or reason.

Ichabod Crane: You believe the father killed her?
Samuel Philipse: The Horseman killed her.
Ichabod Crane: How often do I have to tell you? There is no Horseman, never was a Horseman, and never will be a Horseman.
[Pulls a pendant off of The Magistrate's neck]
Ichabod Crane: What is that thing?
Samuel Philipse: It's my talisman. It protects me from the Horseman.

Ichabod Crane: It was a headless horseman.
Baltus Van Tassel: You must not excite yourself.
Ichabod Crane: But it was a headless horseman.
Baltus Van Tassel: Of course it was. That's why you're here.
Ichabod Crane: No, you must believe me. It was a horseman, a dead one. Headless.
Baltus Van Tassel: I know, I know.
Ichabod Crane: You don't know because you were not there. It's all true.
Baltus Van Tassel: Of course it is. I told you. Everyone told you.
Ichabod Crane: I... saw him.
[faints]

Ichabod Crane: The millennium is almost upon us. In a few months, we will be living in the nineteenth century. But our courts continue to rely on medieval devices of torture.
High Constable: Stand down.
Ichabod Crane: I stand up for sense and justice.

Ichabod Crane: We have murders in New York without benefit of ghouls and goblins.
Baltus Van Tassel: You are a long way from New York, constable.

Ichabod Crane: Doctor Lancaster, Reverend Steenwyck, Notary Hardenbrook, and Magistrates Philipse, who tried to cut and run, and lost his head. Four frightned men, arguing on the very night Magistrate Philipse was killed. There's a conspiracy here. The doctor, the reverend, the notary, and the magistrate. What is the secret that unites them? Magistrate Philipse knew there were five bodies to four graves, knew the widow was pregnant, but would not tell me the name of the father. What does this point to? We must proceed by a process of elimination. I shall make a list of every man and woman in Sleepy Hollow, starting with their chief citizen, Baltus Van Tassel. I feel we're getting very close.
Young Masbath: Yes. I suppose Baltus is the chief citizen, now that old Van Garrett is dead.
Ichabod Crane: Yes. The Van Garretts. I had almost forgotten them.
Ichabod Crane: Come with me.
Young Masbath: Where are we going?
Ichabod Crane: To Notary Hardenbrook's.
Young Masbath: Have you thought of something?
Ichabod Crane: Yes. I have.

Ichabod Crane: Katrina, why are you in my room?
Katrina Anne Van Tassel: Because it is yours.

Ichabod Crane: [opens the book] It was your mother's?
Katrina Anne Van Tassel: Keep it close to your heart. It's sure protection against harm.
Ichabod Crane: Are you so certain of everything?

Katrina Anne Van Tassel: Is it Theodore?
Ichabod Crane: No. Pardon, miss, I am only a stranger.
Katrina Anne Van Tassel: Then have a kiss on account.

Ichabod Crane: [to the Western Woods Crone] I should like to say that I make no assumptions about your occupation nor your ways, Witch... which... which... which are nothing to me, whatever you are.

Ichabod Crane: Katrina, I might have killed you. Why have you come?
Katrina Anne Van Tassel: Because no one else would go with you.
Ichabod Crane: I am now twice the man, and it is your white magic.

[to the horse]
Ichabod Crane: Giddy-up... no, no this way... good horsey.

Lady Van Tassel: Still alive?
Ichabod Crane: Run, Katrina.
Lady Van Tassel: Yes, do run, and jump, and skip!

Ichabod Crane: [the decapitated corpse of Masbath has been found] You have moved the body.
Dr. Thomas Lancaster: I did.
Ichabod Crane: You must never move the body!
Dr. Thomas Lancaster: Why not?
Ichabod Crane: Because...

Dr. Thomas Lancaster: This is most irregular, Constable.
Ichabod Crane: I should hope so, Doctor, but in this case necessary. I shall need to operate.
Dr. Thomas Lancaster: Operate? She's dead.

Ichabod Crane: Once more, the neck wound cauterized. The sword thrust to the stomach... the same. But, to what purpose?
Dr. Thomas Lancaster: To what is your purpose is the question.
[Dr. Lancaster inquisitively looks at one of Ichabod's operating tools]
Dr. Thomas Lancaster: What manner of instruments are these?
Ichabod Crane: Some of my own design!

[Regarding a spider]
Ichabod Crane: Kill it! No, no! Stun it!

[On Katrina's apparent guilt]
Young Masbath: A strange sort of witch, with a kind and loving heart. How can you think so?
Ichabod Crane: I have good reason.
Young Masbath: Then you are bewitched by reason.
Ichabod Crane: I am beaten down by it!

[to Katrina, who is apparently guilty]
Ichabod Crane: It was an evil spirit possessed you. I pray God it is satisfied now, and you find peace. The evil eye has done it's work; my life is over, spared for a lifetime of horrors in my sleep, waking each day to grief. Goodbye, Katrina.

Ichabod Crane: [Studies the horse tracks surrounding Jonathan Masbath's dead body, and takes giant footsteps] The stride is gigantic! The attacker rode Masbath down, turned his horse, and came back. Came back to claim the head.
[Takes a small bottle out of his bag and starts sprinkling powder near the severed neck. The powder sizzles]
Ichabod Crane: Yes. There's a chemical reaction. It shows there was a powerful, singular thrust to the neck.
[Puts on strange goggles]
Ichabod Crane: Now.
[Using tongs, he lifts the skin of the neck and a beetle runs out. He shudders]
Ichabod Crane: Interesting.
Baltus Van Tassel: What is it?
Ichabod Crane: The wound was cauterized in the very instant, as though the blade itself were red-hot. And yet, no blistering, no scorched flesh.
Samuel Philipse: The Devil's fire.

Ichabod Crane: Katrina... you took the evidence and burned it.
Katrina Anne Van Tassel: So you would not have it to accuse my father.
Ichabod Crane: I accuse no one.

Ichabod Crane: Yes I think you loved me that day when you followed me into the Western Woods... to have braved such peril.

[repeated line]
Ichabod Crane: I see.

[last lines]
Ichabod Crane: [arriving in New York City with Katrina and Masbeth] Ah, just in time for a new century. You'll soon find your bearings, young Masbeth. The Bronx is up, the Battery is down, and home is this way.

Ichabod Crane: We take the Indian Trail to the Tree of the Dead.
Young Masbath: How will we recognize it?
Ichabod Crane: Without difficulty, I rather fear. Then climb down to the Horseman's resting place.
Young Masbath: His camp?
Ichabod Crane: His grave.

Ichabod Crane: [from trailer] Excuse me, miss, I am not used to...
Katrina Anne Van Tassel: Female company?

New Yorker: Ichabod Crane, is that you?
Ichabod Crane: None other... Not only me... I have found something, which was lately a man.


"Sleepy Hollow: Pilot (#1.1)" (2013)
Lt. Abbie Mills: Hey. Who is he, when's the last time you saw him?
Ichabod Crane: When I cut off his head.

Polygraph Technician: Now tell me your name and where you're from.
Ichabod Crane: My name is Ichabod Crane. I was a professor of history at Merton College, Oxford, when I was enlisted in the Queen's Royal Regiment and sent to the American colonies to fight the patriots. It didn't take long for me to have a change of heart and I defected.
Polygraph Technician: You're saying you're a... spy?
Ichabod Crane: I'm saying the rule of tyranny betrayed the weight of my conscience and I couldn't allow myself to give my life for anything less. So, yes, I became a spy under the command of General Washington.
Polygraph Technician: General George Washington?
Ichabod Crane: Do you know him?

Polygraph Technician: Tell me about the Horseman. Would you admit cutting off his head, yes or no?
Ichabod Crane: No. First I shot him, then he rose back up. Beheading him seemed the next logical step.

Lt. Abbie Mills: I told you to stay in the car.
Ichabod Crane: Yet as you know, I am insane and therefore impervious to simple commands.

Captain Frank Irving: I ought to throw you in jail. Except I have a preserved head in a pickle jar and two cops who just backed up your story. Not to mention a confession from Brooks, who says he'll plea bargain, but only if he talks to you and Captain America here.
Ichabod Crane: Hmmm?

Ichabod Crane: That building used to be a livery stables.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Yeah? Well, now it's a Starbucks. Where they make coffee.
Ichabod Crane: And that building is also a Starbucks?
Lt. Abbie Mills: Yep.
Ichabod Crane: Well, how many are there?
Lt. Abbie Mills: Per block?
Ichabod Crane: Is there a law?

Lt. Abbie Mills: Mr. Crane, I'm Lieutenant Abbie Mills.
Ichabod Crane: A female lieutenant. In whose army?
Lt. Abbie Mills: You're not gonna break character, huh?
Ichabod Crane: You've been emancipated, I take it?
Lt. Abbie Mills: Excuse me?
Ichabod Crane: From enslavement.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Okay. I'll play along here. I am a black female lieutenant for the Westchester County Police Department. Do you see this gun? I'm authorized to use it. On you.
Ichabod Crane: If you're insinuating I endorse slavery, I'm offended.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Wait, back up. You're offended?
Ichabod Crane: I'll have you know I was a proponent of the Abolitionist Act before the New York Assembly.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Congratulations. Slavery has been abolished 150 years. It's a whole new day in America.

Lt. Abbie Mills: Two hundred and fifty years, huh? Civil War didn't wake you? Noisy neighbors to the south. Did you get up to pee? Don't know about you, but I'm getting up to pee every 75, 80 years.
Ichabod Crane: Are you quite finished? Because most of what you say is unintelligible gibberish to me. It's like watching a chicken cluck. And when did it become acceptable for ladies to wear trousers?

Ichabod Crane: Now I have questions, several thousand questions, but I'll spare you the indignity of strapping you to a damn chair. Now where am I?
Polygraph Technician: The question isn't where, but when. The good news is you won the war, the bad news is... it was 250 years ago. Welcome to the 21st century, Mr. Crane.

Polygraph Technician: Now tell me your name and where you're from.
Ichabod Crane: My name is Ichabod Crane. I was a professor of history at Merton College, Oxford, when I was enlisted in the Queen's Royal Regiment and sent to the American colonies to fight the patriots. It didn't take long for me to have a change of heart and I defected.
Polygraph Technician: You're saying you're a spy?
Ichabod Crane: I'm saying the rule of tyranny betrayed the weight of my conscience and I couldn't allow myself to give my life for anything less. So, yes, I became a spy under the command of General Washington.
Polygraph Technician: General George Washington?
Ichabod Crane: Do you know him?

Ichabod Crane: Now I have questions, several thousand questions, but I'll spare you the indignity of strapping you to a damn chair. Now where am I?
Polygraph Technician: The question isn't where, but when. The good news is you won the war, the bad news is...
[placing a one-dollar bill in front of Ichabod]
Polygraph Technician: it was 250 years ago. Welcome to the 21st century, Mr. Crane.

Lt. Abbie Mills: Mr. Crane, I'm Lieutenant Abbie Mills.
Ichabod Crane: A female lieutenant. In whose army?
Lt. Abbie Mills: You're not gonna break character, huh?
Ichabod Crane: You've been emancipated, I take it?
Lt. Abbie Mills: Excuse me?
Ichabod Crane: From enslavement.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Okay. I'll play along here. I am a black female lieutenant for the Westchester County Police Department. Do you see this gun? I'm authorized to use it. On you.
Ichabod Crane: If you're insinuating I endorse slavery, I'm offended.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Wait, back up. You're offended.
Ichabod Crane: I'll have you know I was a proponent of the Abolitionist Act before the New York Assembly.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Congratulations. Slavery has been abolished 150 years. It's a whole new day in America.
Ichabod Crane: Oh. Well, I'm pleased to hear it. I on the other hand remain shackled here.

Ichabod Crane: [to the polygraph technician] I'm saying the rule of tyranny betrayed the weight of my conscience and I couldn't allow myself to give my life for anything less.

Polygraph Technician: [while studying the computer polygraph] Tell me about the Horseman. Would you admit cutting off his head? Yes or no?
Ichabod Crane: [resolved] No. First I shot him, than he rose back up. Beheading him seemed the next logical step.

Ichabod Crane: Here I thought I'd actually awoken in the future and that my wife had been dead for 250 years. I'm glad that everything I'm seeing and hearing and touching is impossible, because that means it isn't actually happening.
Lt. Abbie Mills: I have orders to take you to a mental institution.
Ichabod Crane: [irate] Excellent. This day continues to bear gifts.

Ichabod Crane: [to Abbie about the horseman] When I beheaded him, that man didn't die. Because he was never a man at all. He is death itself, Lieutenant. And somehow... he had returned to Sleepy Hollow to finish what he started.

Lt. Abbie Mills: [about how long he 'slept'] Two hundred and fifty years, huh? Civil War didn't wake you? Noisy neighbors to the south. Did you get up to pee? Don't know about you, but I'm getting up to pee every 75, 80 years.
Ichabod Crane: [affronted] Are you quite finished? Because most of what you say is unintelligible gibberish to me.


"Sleepy Hollow: Heartless (#2.8)" (2014)
Ichabod Crane: Private dancing facilities while provocative were redundant in my time

Ichabod Crane: What a fool I've been pushing you before you were fully recovered
Katrina Crane: It's nothing
Abbie Mills: Can I get you anything? An aspirin?
Ichabod Crane: Indeed, the modern world has many remarkable toxins and restorities

Abbie Mills: Who gets in the backseat of their own car? Someone who thinks they're gonna get lucky, lucky, score, get some
Ichabod Crane: Macking, he was macking on a woman, Amber said the same about Marco

Ichabod Crane: You give me a knife and keep the gun for yourself
Nick Hawley: Didn't think you could handle the firepower Crane
Ichabod Crane: Just as well, you need all the assistance you can get

Abbie Mills: Wendigo, he had a purpose for them all, why use a succubus?
Ichabod Crane: I've not yet found a pattern, I have been somewhat distracted
Abbie Mills: Katrina
Ichabod Crane: We're not the people we were
Abbie Mills: People change, especially during a way, people grow

Ichabod Crane: Were to explore a social relationship? I certainly
Abbie Mills: Let's see if you're onto something, you of all people know there's no room in our lives for complications
Ichabod Crane: Since when has leading hearts to possibilities a complication?
Abbie Mills: Since always

Ichabod Crane: We are what they fear most? Aligned with a witch, working together, more formidable than we've ever been

Ichabod Crane: What are your intentions towards Lt Mills?
Nick Hawley: Excuse me?
Ichabod Crane: If anything you are a man of a word, mean something if your intentions were honourable

Ichabod Crane: Summoned the succubus to finish the project he started in you
Abbie Mills: I told you he's not done, he won't be done until we're all dead, the world's in flames
Katrina Crane: Henry is a demonic sway
Abbie Mills: This again

Abbie Mills: Used them
[life forces]
Abbie Mills: to nurture the creature
Ichabod Crane: What creature?
Katrina Crane: The one that was in me
Abbie Mills: Moloch

Ichabod Crane: I must trust in her skill, trust in her experience, most of all I must trust in her


"Sleepy Hollow: Kali Yuga (#2.14)" (2015)
Ichabod Crane: [Applauding Abbie who is singing Crazy via karaoke] Huzzah! I had no idea she could perform.

Abbie Mills: Crane. Pick a song.
Ichabod Crane: [Looking through the song list] Where might I find the Catch Club?
Abbie Mills: What are they? The Beatles of the 1760's?
Ichabod Crane: No. Rather, The Beatles were the Catch Club of the 1960's.

Ichabod Crane: [When his karaoke song didn't get any applause] Perhaps I should have done the one about the bass, about the bass.

Ichabod Crane: [With Katrina, reorganizing The Archives after a break in] She turns the task into a leisure activity. With a rather lively ditty. So, she sings, she cleans, she... travels by parasol.
Katrina Crane: A modern witch specializing in housework. It hardly sounds progressive.
Ichabod Crane: Oh no, no. Miss Poppins seems quite fulfilled.

Abbie Mills: [to Crane who is driving Hawley's Mustang] You enjoying yourself, Speed Racer?
Ichabod Crane: This is my first time driving a car with real horse power. Can you blame me? Oh! And, on the subject, is said power referring to a horse of Arabian, Turkman or Barb breeding?
[At Abbie's look... ]
Ichabod Crane: There *is* a difference.

Ichabod Crane: I'll admit. I was excited. I may have acted rashly.
Abbie Mills: I'll make sure they put that on your tombstone.

Abbie Mills: We're not gonna die in Knox' vault. Even if it goes all... Star Wars trash compactor on us.
Ichabod Crane: Star Wars. What did they use?
Abbie Mills: They had a robot.

Abbie Mills: We seriously named Ft Knox after a dude who died in debt.
Ichabod Crane: Well. He had other redeeming qualities.

Ichabod Crane: [Pleased, upon hearing that Abbie and he are up next for karaoke] Lieutenant, you liked my shanty.
Abbie Mills: No. The song's called Proud Mary. But, you can do it. You just killed a vatala. You can handle a little rock and roll.

Ichabod Crane: [singing Proud Mary] I pumped a lot of tain down in New Orleans. That makes no sense...


"Sleepy Hollow: Go Where I Send Thee... (#2.4)" (2014)
Ichabod Crane: [At the wheel of Abby's SUV] I have faced many enemies on horseback. Horsemen without heads. Even discovered my own son is the apocalyptic horseman of war. Thus, how challenging must it be to guide the power of 300 horses using only one's own right foot?

Abbie Mills: Crane, you've seen me do this a thousand times. You have eidetic memory. Do not tell me that you do not have this. Also, I happen to know that you've been practicing your driving with Jenny, who's had her license suspended twice... by the way.
Ichabod Crane: Firstly, I fail to see why each and every human on the planet must utilize a motor vehicle. And secondly, if you're implying that I would use this conveyance without your express permission...
Abbie Mills: [pointing to the dash] That guage right there doesn't lie.
Ichabod Crane: [looking at the dash] The odometer. Curse you Frenchmen for inventing such a traitorous device.

Abbie Mills: I'd say you're well on your way to independence.
Ichabod Crane: In case something happened to you?
Abbie Mills: Crane...
Ichabod Crane: Drop the façade, Lieutenant. I'm all too aware of why you insist I learn these skills. But hear me, Grace Abigail Mills. It is not our fate for one of us to bury the other. We shall be victorious or defeated... together.

Ichabod Crane: [In response to an Amber Alert] A missing child. We must make haste.
Abbie Mills: Not so fast, Ricky Bobby. I'm driving.

Ichabod Crane: I haven't had to do this much sneaking about since the Second Continental Congress!
Abbie Mills: Well, let me guess. This is when Betsy Ross had the hots for you.
Ichabod Crane: That woman was relentless. Once, Adams found me hiding in a broom closet.
[At Abby's look... ]
Ichabod Crane: *From* her.

Abbie Mills: You play the flute?
Ichabod Crane: I'd like to see you try bringing a cello onto the battlefield.

Ichabod Crane: [At a laptop] Lieutenant? If you would perform the log in ceremony...

Abbie Mills: [Referring to the Pied Piper besting Crane] You want a rematch?
Ichabod Crane: Honor demands it.

Ichabod Crane: [Upon being served a cappuccino] Sadistic larceny! This is typical of the Italians. A gaudy hillock of overheated milk atop a thimble's worth of coffee. And the cost. It's equal to three Tennessee stallions. Well.
[Shakes his head and takes a drink, leaving foam all over his upper lip and the tip of his nose. His eyes close]
Ichabod Crane: Oh my...
[Dreamily]
Ichabod Crane: I can see why this might be popular.


"Sleepy Hollow: The Golem (#1.10)" (2013)
Lt. Abbie Mills: Chopping down a Christmas tree?
Ichabod Crane: Altogether a nonsensical concept. Celebrating Yuletide with a titular display of lumber.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Wow. Bah-humbug to you too, Ebenezer.
Ichabod Crane: That was all gibberish.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Scrooge. A Dickensian character. A grump.

Ichabod Crane: [musing] Well, if Jeremy married and had three children, the average at the time... then we compound that number over eight generations, I could have as many as...
Lt. Abbie Mills: Six thousand little Ichabods.

Ichabod Crane: I'm still reconciling today's languages and its advancements. For instance, in my ear: a 'toilet' was a 'vanity cabinet,' 'intercourse' meant simply 'social conversation,' 'awful' meant 'awe-inspiring'.
Lt. Abbie Mills: So if I went out with a guy and we had awful intercourse, we'd be going on a second date?
Ichabod Crane: Disconcerting, but yes.
Lt. Abbie Mills: That's weird.

Ichabod Crane: [entering the carnival attraction] What hellish form of torment is this?
Henry Parrish: Fun-house mirrors.
Ichabod Crane: When did irony become a national pastime?

Henry Parrish: We never bury the dead, son. Not really. We take them with us. It's the price of living.
Lt. Abbie Mills: I got you something. I was going to give it to you on Christmas Eve but you look like you need a little boost.
[handing him the stocking]
Ichabod Crane: Oh... You embroidered my name on some hosiery. How... odd.

Lt. Abbie Mills: [referring to Ichabod's time] You guys had Christmans, right? Santa Clause, snowmen... eggnog?
Ichabod Crane: In my ear, the term was egg and grog. A draught made of rum that led inevitable to an aching head-ergo noggin, abbreviated to nog.

Henry Parrish: It seems we've been relegated to the part of gongoozler, you and I.
Lt. Abbie Mills: I'm not even gonna ask.
Ichabod Crane: Gongoozler means an idle spectator.
Lt. Abbie Mills: [to Ichabod] That's just great. You go, it's cool. Henry and I will sit back here and gongoozle our asses off.
Ichabod Crane: [smirking] Now who's the Scrooge?

Ichabod Crane: Crane receives a Christmas stocking as a gift from Abbie "You've embroidered my name on some oversized hosiery."


"Sleepy Hollow: Tempus Fugit (#2.18)" (2015)
Ichabod Crane: What do you know of me?
Abbie Mills: Well, uh, Katrina inspired you to abandon your allegiance with the crown. But, when Abraham van Brundt couldn't pick out the right engagement necklace for her, you did. And she couldn't hide her feelings for you anymore. And you couldn't hide yours for her.
Ichabod Crane: Is this the story his majesty's spies have on record?
Abbie Mills: I don't know. Cuz I'm not a spy. And if I were, I'd be pretty peeved off at the flimsiness of the "I am from the future." cover.
Ichabod Crane: Suppose I was to entertain the notion of time travel and a horseman of death, what do you propose we do in order to not, as you elegantly put it, screw up history forever?

Abbie Mills: [Getting out of the carriage with Crane] It took a really long time to get three miles.
Ichabod Crane: I suppose there are flying carriages in the second millennium.
Abbie Mills: Only for long distances.

Ichabod Crane: [Runs to the jail cell where Abbie has just knocked the Colonel out] Ah. I'm here to save you.

Abbie Mills: What made you come back?
Ichabod Crane: [Holding up her cell phone] I viewed a moving picture in which you and I attempted to create a still picture.

Grace Dixon: Oh my Lord. It's *you*. The witness.
Ichabod Crane: I'm sorry. Witness?
Abbie Mills: That's the technical term for us.
Ichabod Crane: [Trying not to be overwhelmed] Of course, it is.

Ichabod Crane: Listen to me. No matter what the course of fate, and no matter *how* we get there, I look forward to experiencing *your* America. It will be a pleasure to make your acquaintance all over again, Miss Mills.
[He gives her a courtly bow at which she frowns just a little]
Ichabod Crane: Yes?
Abbie Mills: It's just uh... you don't speak to me so formally in the future.
Ichabod Crane: And what would you prefer?
Abbie Mills: Leftenant.
Ichabod Crane: [Smiling] Oh. Well. Leftenant. Let us change the course of history. Again.
[He backs up as she steps towards him with an intent look on her face. He is then shocked, then a bit embarrassed when she hugs him]
Ichabod Crane: Is this level of intimacy commonplace in 2015?
Abbie Mills: Yeah.
[She steps away to look up at him]
Abbie Mills: We hug it out.

Abbie Mills: You had no choice.
Ichabod Crane: Yes, I did. We all did.

Abbie Mills: You ready, Captain?
Ichabod Crane: Ready, Leftenant.


"Sleepy Hollow: This Is War (#2.1)" (2014)
Ichabod Crane: [eyeing the candles on the cupcake] Why must your era celebrate terror with dessert?
Lt. Abbie Mills: I'm sorry, I couldn't find a cupcake big enough for two hundred and fifty-one candles. Happy birthday.
Ichabod Crane: Well, then, I shall consider myself 'punk'd'.

Lt. Abbie Mills: [holing up the cupcake with the candles] Make a wish.
Ichabod Crane: oh, a wish?
Lt. Abbie Mills: Another modern tradition.
Ichabod Crane: And here I thought science had won over superstition in modern America. Very well. A wish. I wish...
Ichabod Crane: Not out loud.
Ichabod Crane: Is there no end to this birthday madness?

Lt. Abbie Mills: [about the up coming battle] This is what we've training for. You ready?
Ichabod Crane: I've been ready for 200 years.

Lt. Abbie Mills: [reading through the archives] First Among Founders: Benjamin Franklin's Impact on Colonial America.
Ichabod Crane: [scoffing] Impact? On the scores of strumpets he crushed beneath his girth, perhaps.

Ichabod Crane: [about Franklin] The man was insufferable!
Lt. Abbie Mills: We are talking about Benjamin Franklin? The editor of the Declaration of Independence.
Ichabod Crane: Blowhard, braggart, blatherskite. And gasbag. He had an insatiable need to prove he was the sharpest intellect in the room.
Lt. Abbie Mills: I could see how that could be hard for you.

Benjamin Franklin: You still haven't learned my alphabet, have you?
Ichabod Crane: [sheepishly] There are only so many hours in the day.
Benjamin Franklin: Rise earlier. The key to success lies under the alarm clock.

Jenny Mills: This is the only statue of Franklin in Sleepy Hollow.
Ichabod Crane: Wait. There are more?
Jenny Mills: All over the country. Plus the Franklin Mint, the $100 bill. It's all about the Benjamins.
Ichabod Crane: Yes, it always was.


"Sleepy Hollow: And the Abyss Gazes Back (#2.6)" (2014)
Ichabod Crane: Superman
[pronounced Sooperman]
Ichabod Crane: is... Peter Parker? No. No, no, no, that's the... arachnid fellow.

Ichabod Crane: [Blows into a Breathalyzer. The machine then beeps] Ah! I do believe I've won.

Ichabod Crane: I've been researching modern wood dwelling monsters. Chupacabra. Sasquatch. One Smokey Bear.

Ichabod Crane: In 1778, the Shawnee tribe engaged in a hunting expedition led by a close friend of mine, Daniel Boone.
Abbie Mills: Daniel Boone. He's the guy with the raccoon on his head.
Ichabod Crane: [Exasperated] How is it that the man who settled Kentucky is remembered by the modern world as the guy with the raccoon on his head?

Joe Corbin: You love your son?
Ichabod Crane: In spite of everything, yes. I do.
Joe Corbin: Well then do me a favor. No matter what happens to me? Tell him.

Abbie Mills: Did you find a cure?
Ichabod Crane: Yes. We must recite a Shawnee ceremonial chant engraved on this human skull.
Jenny Mills: That's simple enough.
Ichabod Crane: [Holding up a finger] Over the blood of the cursed procured by this obsidian knife.
Abbie Mills: The blood of the cursed. As in Joe Corbin's blood?
Ichabod Crane: Or the wendigo's.
Nick Hawley: Hold on. Hold on. No, no. Nobody said anything about wendigo blood.
Ichabod Crane: Big Ash and I discussed it at length. And, oh look, it's written on the side of this skull!
Nick Hawley: I get it. You're fluent in Shawnee, Mr. Dances With Wendigos. But, if the kid's already gone big, white and horny... uh, antlery, whatever! The kid's already turned.

Ichabod Crane: [Playing a video game. Incensed] You shodden herring! You are a scurvy louse. You are a slop bucket. You are a pus-sludge no-good by-blow pair of *buns*!
Abbie Mills: Are you... gaming online?
Ichabod Crane: [Looks a little embarrassed] I'm not entirely sure.
[Covers the mouthpiece of his head gear]
Ichabod Crane: One thing I know is that my allies and I had just obliterated the largest horde of rabid zombies I'd ever encountered and then suddenly, out of nowhere, ChiefWiggum49 and Haloismybitch12 decided to frag me!


The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1980) (TV)
Vanderhoof: Now hold on a minute, Mister unmarried school master. That was the truth those kids told you 'bout them Indian spirits.
Ichabod Crane: Mr. Vanderhoof, Indian ghosts, Headless Horsemen?
Vanderhoof: Bite down your tongue! Don't you ever go laughing at the Headless Horseman.
Ichabod Crane: [looks up at the owl] You expect me to believe that that owl is the ghost of an Indian?
Vanderhoof: Chief Running Buffalo.

Ichabod Crane: Who said who?
Boy: Chief Running Buffalo.
Ichabod Crane: Who?
Boy: The ghost of Chief Running Buffalo, sir.
[points up to an owl]
Ichabod Crane: The ghost? You don't believe in that kind of stuff do you?
Boy: Well this school house was built on an old Indian cemetery, Grandpa says it's haunted by spirits from the past.

Vanderhoof: Remember that big fellow you met this morning?
Ichabod Crane: Brom Bones.
Vanderhoof: He figures Katrina's his girl. He catches you looking sideways at her, he's naturally going to tie knots in all your arms and legs... or worse.
[nods to memorial stone]
Ichabod Crane: R.I.P? Brom Bones killed the previous schoolmaster?
Vanderhoof: Might just as well have. Palmer was never the same after Brom Bones thundered the poor fellow halfway across the country.
Ichabod Crane: Brom Bones assaulted the schoolmaster just for looking at Miss Van Tassel?
Vanderhoof: A-salted, a-peppered, and a-roasted him too! Just for reading poetry to Katrina. Course by that time I think Palmer was already a little funny in the head like the other school masters.
Ichabod Crane: What do you mean?
Vanderhoof: Three before Palmer, all turned strange before they took off out of here. Course I figured, the ghosts and spirits did it to them.
Ichabod Crane: Come away with those ridiculous, ridiculous scare stories of yours!
Vanderhoof: You're just like them others, seems a shame. You fellows with all your book learning, always come up short on common horse sense.

Ichabod Crane: I just saw a face in the window.
Thelma Dumkey: [looks out] I don't see anything!
Vanderhoof: There's nobody out there.
Thelma Dumkey: What kind of a face did you see?
Ichabod Crane: A man's face, it was big, heavy, uh... had a big white bushy beard.
Thelma Dumkey: White beard?
Ichabod Crane: Yes, wild eyed look, mole on the cheek.
Vanderhoof, Thelma Dumkey: [look at each other] Palmer!
Ichabod Crane: Winthrop Palmer? I thought you said he was dead.
Vanderhoof: He is! I knew something like this would happen if you burned the devil bag!

Ichabod Crane: What happened to my predecessor, Winthrop Palmer?
Vanderhoof: I TOLD YOU! Didn't have the grit of a short chicken after Brom Bones thumped him. Looked over his shoulder one dark night, saw the Headless Horseman coming after him. Galloped his horse straight away over the Palisades and right down into the Hudson River. Fred Dutcher saw it first hand, bad currents in the Hudson hereabouts, Old Palmer never had a chance. If the jump didn't do it, the river did.

Ichabod Crane: [discovers who's been chasing him] Brom Bones?
Brom Bones: [rides off] Every man for himself, schoolmaster, it's the real Headless Horseman!


"Sleepy Hollow: The Indispensable Man (#1.12)" (2014)
Ichabod Crane: [voice-mail greeting] Good day. This is Captain Ichabod Crane, Esquire. If you'd be so kind as to please leave your name, rank and an address where I can reach, and I will return this correspondence in a timely manner. Now what do I press? Pound. Pound?

Henry Parish: [holing the old linen] Remarkable stitching.
Ichabod Crane: An old flame of mine was a seamstress. She'd be impressed.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Who was your date? Betsy Ross?
Ichabod Crane: How did you know that/
Lt. Abbie Mills: Are you serious?

Ichabod Crane: [about his phone] Infuriating. I can't get my Maps app to triangulate. Oh, but I can still receive updates for your so-called social network. And how is it you have five hundred friends? I had only seven close companions. Four of those died. Those were good odds.
Lt. Abbie Mills: We use the term 'friend' more loosely these days.
Ichabod Crane: Aristotle would be most unimpressed.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Yeah well, he's dead too.

Lt. Abbie Mills: That rock in the clearing. Would that be your Masonic marker?
Ichabod Crane: Does an alderman have an unwarranted self-regard?
Lt. Abbie Mills: I don't even know how to answer that.

Ichabod Crane: [trying to figure out texting and emoticons] On my way. Colon closed parenthesis... oh, it's a man's face. I suppose that's charming.

Lt. Abbie Mills: When I call, I need you to pick up.
Ichabod Crane: I believe I'd have an easier time navigating my device if it were not such an... how shall I say this? Antiquated piece of rubbish.
Lt. Abbie Mills: What was wrong with your phone?
Ichabod Crane: Well, it's obsolete. And I'm not blaming you, Leftenant. It's these telecommunication companies, overwhelming the populace with their ostentatious advertisements. They're coercing the consumer into purchasing countless 'system updates.' It's an abuse of capitalism and certainly not the vision behind our laissez-faire market.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Hmmm. And yet... you want a new one?
Ichabod Crane: You've got one.


"Sleepy Hollow: The Sin Eater (#1.6)" (2013)
Ichabod Crane: [to Abbie] I've lived on borrowed time; more than any man deserves. I've seen wonders beyond my wildest imaginings. And through these centuries, against the impossibility that we would find each other, we did. And I am most grateful for it.

Ichabod Crane: I'd consider myself a sporting man, but why must you insult that gentleman for inciting a rule infraction? I fail to see the point.

Ichabod Crane: [enraged at a baseball game] Open your eyes, sir! Yes, you, basket face. I thought only horses slept standing up!
Lt. Abbie Mills: Good! Feels good! Exercise your hard fought right of free speech. Just next time, wait for the ump to make a call.
Ichabod Crane: [chagrined] Right.

Ichabod Crane: I don't believe in spirits and destiny.
Katrina Crane: You are a terrible liar, sir. It's quite endearing.

Ichabod Crane: Who are you?
Henry Parrish: I have been called many things. Angel. Demon. Until now, I wasn't sure what was true. For so long, I've hoped for this day. To find the reason for what I've been given. And now I know. The reason is you.

Lt. Abbie Mills: Next time, listen to me. I can't go through that again.
Ichabod Crane: My ears shall remain eternally open to your admonition.
Lt. Abbie Mills: I don't know what the hell that means. Just say yes.
Ichabod Crane: ...Yes.


"Sleepy Hollow: The Midnight Ride (#1.7)" (2013)
Captain Frank Irving: I need to... fill out a report. I need to call the governor.
Ichabod Crane: What are you going to tell him?
Captain Frank Irving: What do you think I'm going to tell him? The Headless Horseman is mowing down people to bring about the end of day? For further questions, please call Ichabod Crane, the man who beheaded him in 1781.

Ichabod Crane: Were you charged a fee for that water? My God, it should be an inalienable right! Where do the courts fall on this?

Lt. Abbie Mills: So, I spoke to the curators. I have good news and bad news. What do you want first?
Ichabod Crane: Is this a riddle?
Lt. Abbie Mills: Never mind.

Lt. Abbie Mills: They've uploaded the manuscript online.
Ichabod Crane: That is excellent news.
Lt. Abbie Mills: [beat] You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Ichabod Crane: No, I do not.

Ichabod Crane: Flummoxed by a foreign concept that resembles close to nothing of what you know? Can't imagine how that feels.

Ichabod Crane: We saw you die in that cell.
Andy Brooks: Yeah. Not my best day.


"Sleepy Hollow: Blood Moon (#1.2)" (2013)
Lt. Abbie Mills: You dropped your gun.
Ichabod Crane: It was empty.
Lt. Abbie Mills: You only fired one shot.
Ichabod Crane: There are more?

Ichabod Crane: [about the cost of the food he just ate] What's insane is a ten-percent levy on baked goods. You do realize the Revolutionary War began on less than two percent? How is the public not flocking to the streets in outrage? We must do something.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Here's what we can do: no more first-hand accounts of witches or founding fathers. Or donut tax outrage unless you want to be sent back to the asylum.
Ichabod Crane: Point taken.

Lt. Abbie Mills: I will literally pay you to stop talking.
Ichabod Crane: I would happily accept because I am in need of currency.

Ichabod Crane: My memory's eidetic. I retain what I see with near-perfect precision.
Lt. Abbie Mills: You have a photographic memory?
Ichabod Crane: Sights, sounds, even smells. Expect, ironically for the 250 years I can't seem to recall, which makes of little use.

Ichabod Crane: [about the witch, Serilda of Abaddon] We must find her before she completes her resurrections and return her to the ashes from where she came.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Meaning we burn her to the ground.
Ichabod Crane: Oh, with great enthusiasm.
Lt. Abbie Mills: [accented] Jolly good. Let's set her aflame and bury her bone where she'll never find them.


"Sleepy Hollow: The Vessel (#1.11)" (2014)
Ichabod Crane: One sign of the impending apocalypse is surely skinny jeans.

Lt. Abbie Mills: [about his old clothes] If you're going to keep wearing that thing, I have two words for you. Dry cleaning.
Ichabod Crane: Pick two words I'd understand.

Ichabod Crane: [while looking through the clothes] Why much you and your sister insist on keeping stockpiles of such strange apparel?
Jenny Mills: Says the man who wore powdered wigs and stockings.

Jenny Mills: The Weavers are End-of-Days fanatics.
Ichabod Crane: Meaning they believe in the coming Armageddon.

Lt. Abbie Mills: [as she watches him on a ladder] Crane, gonna need a hand?
Ichabod Crane: The irony of being that your generation is purportedly two inches taller than mine... on average.


"Sleepy Hollow: Spellcaster (#2.15)" (2015)
Abbie Mills: What are we doing here?
Ichabod Crane: Exploring. A three bedroom, two bath Craftsman.
[Pulls a newspaper out of his pocket open to real estate ads]
Ichabod Crane: Or so I've managed to decipher from this posting.
Abbie Mills: House hunting.
[She snatches the paper from him]
Abbie Mills: You bring me house hunting.
Ichabod Crane: Less of a hunt, more of a scouting expedition.

Ichabod Crane: [to Abbie, leaving a house for sale] Call this an exercise in optimism. Generous though you've been in allowing me Sheriff Corbin's cabin, sooner or later I must find a place of my own. Preferably with granite counter tops.

Abbie Mills: So, Katrina's gonna do her mystical radar thing.
Ichabod Crane: Yes. If Kent was a grim noire, her Spidey senses shall inform us.
Abbie Mills: [Impressed] Hey. Someone's been catching up on his reading.
Ichabod Crane: Only the classics.

Ichabod Crane: Curb thy foul stench, unholy minion!
Abbie Mills: We're gonna need to work on your trash talk.

Ichabod Crane: The epithets I hurled at Kent during battle. That was good... good trash talk.
Abbie Mills: Wasn't bad. For some real practice, I'm gonna hafta take you to a hockey game.
Ichabod Crane: Hockey...


"Sleepy Hollow: For the Triumph of Evil (#1.3)" (2013)
Jenny Mills: Are you Abbie's new boyfriend?
Ichabod Crane: We are amicable, and yes, I am male, but I suspect you're implying something else.
Jenny Mills: What's your name, tall, dark, and British?
Ichabod Crane: My name is Ichabod Crane.

Ichabod Crane: What is the cause of the rift between you and Miss Jenny?
Lt. Abbie Mills: I told you, it's complicated.
Ichabod Crane: I was born more than two centuries ago and my wife is a prisoner in some other-worldly realm. I'm not stranger to complications.

Ichabod Crane: [entering the room with energy drinks in hand] I requested coffee from the charwoman in the entrance hall, but she said you're particular to this beverage.
Lt. Abbie Mills: She's called a receptionist... Or Wendy.

Ichabod Crane: His Honour, Edmund Burke, once said, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." And we may all at times stand idly when action is required.

Ichabod Crane: The things one most tries to hide are often the things most easily seen.


"Sleepy Hollow: The Lesser Key of Solomon (#1.4)" (2013)
Ichabod Crane: They left without a farewell. How impolite.

Ichabod Crane: [very calm] Surviving death separated by time tests the bonds of love. The moment I saw her, I knew. The bravest love is born again with each new day. The kind of love that makes the mundane a marvel, that... bewilders with its magnificence. Until Fate's cruel hand intervened, and in a blink of an eye, Katrina was lost to me.
Yolanda, NorthStar Assistance: [over the car speaker, near tears] I am so, so sorry.
Ichabod Crane: I offer this tale, no matter how cruelly he may have treated you, to suggest that you do not give up. Nor give in to anything less than certainty in matters of the heart.
Yolanda, NorthStar Assistance: No one's ever said-said it like that. Thank you.
Ichabod Crane: It is I who should thank you, kind woman, for unlocking this vehicle from afar. And showing me how the entertainment system operates. Fair well, Yolanda.
Yolanda, NorthStar Assistance: [in tears now] Thank you for calling NorthStar Assistance.

Ichabod Crane: [about Abbie] How fortuitous. An officer of the law with a criminal past. Imagine the delinquency we could perpetuate if we really put our minds to it.

Gunther: You continue to misunderstand. These hours are the final movements of a symphony written centuries ago, and all the while we've been hiding here in Sleepy Hollow. Living ordinary quiet lives as we pass your manicured lawns, smile amicable smiles. We're your neighbors. Perhaps even your friends. Yet underneath the skin, unhindered by conscience, compassion, remorse.
Ichabod Crane: How many of you are there?
Gunther: Even I don't know. And that's the whole point. But I assure you, we are everywhere. Growing stronger, preparing for the inevitable. Knowing our cause is just.

Jenny Mills: So you're a freedom fighter then?
Ichabod Crane: I learned long ago that if you don't fight for things you stand for, you don't really stand for them.


"Sleepy Hollow: John Doe (#1.5)" (2013)
Lt. Abbie Mills: You sure you wanna stay in this old cabin? It's a bit of a fixer-upper.
Ichabod Crane: You and I have very different definitions of old. Seems if a building stays upright for more than a decade, people declare it a national landmark.

Lt. Abbie Mills: You know, we can spackle the bullet holes. Unless you want to keep them.
Ichabod Crane: No, no. By all mean, we'll spackle.

Ichabod Crane: [looking over his purchases] Miss Mills, do you think I look out of place in this century?
Lt. Abbie Mills: You look good for two-hundred. But a change of clothes wouldn't hurt.

Lt. Abbie Mills: You really believe anything is possible?
Ichabod Crane: My own circumstances makes me open to the prospect.

Lt. Abbie Mills: [at the entrance to the trail] Here we are. This is where the mail carrier saw Thomas, right near the 'Welcome to Roanoke' sign.
Ichabod Crane: Yours isn't the first generation to invent sarcasm.
Lt. Abbie Mills: So who was more sarcastic? Jefferson or Adams?
Ichabod Crane: Is this more sarcasm?
Lt. Abbie Mills: No, I'm serious
Ichabod Crane: I'm not saying.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Come on. Please!
Ichabod Crane: I can tell you this. Jefferson had an obsession with puns and Adams kept a notebook of unsavory limericks.
Lt. Abbie Mills: [unconvinced] Seriously?
Ichabod Crane: Welcome to Roanoke.


"Sleepy Hollow: Paradise Lost (#2.12)" (2015)
Ichabod Crane: [Offended at organic signs at a farmers' market] I thought all produce organic by definition.

Ichabod Crane: People of this era are trying to remake, reconceive, reinvent at every turn.
Abbie Mills: Reinvention isn't such a bad thing. Have you ever had a grapple?
Ichabod Crane: I have had to engage in hand to hand combat on many occasions.

Abbie Mills: If you can't trust an angel, who can you trust?
Ichabod Crane: Lucifer was an angel.

Ichabod Crane: [to Katrina] Henry is our son. Our blood. Abraham was my friend and your fiancé. They are not the same. You want to save him out of guilt and lay it at my feet!

Abbie Mills: What happened today was important.
Ichabod Crane: What? That we disagreed?
Abbie Mills: [Emphatically] Mmmm. We pushed each other. We need that. Checks and balances, right?
Ichabod Crane: No matter what obstacles we face, no matter how many disagreements we have, our bond cannot be broken.
[Turning to go]
Ichabod Crane: Witness represent.


"Sleepy Hollow: Necromancer (#1.8)" (2013)
Ichabod Crane: [referring to Thomas Jefferson and his design of the mystical prison cell] He foresaw holding the worst type of demons that may walk the Earth. A product, no doubt, of his years trying to reason with the French.

Lt. Abbie Mills: I want to show you something.
[hold up her fist]
Lt. Abbie Mills: Fist bump.
Ichabod Crane: [confused] I beg your pardon?
Lt. Abbie Mills: It's expression of... elation. Teamwork... we got him.
Ichabod Crane: Huh. Fist bump. Makes no sense.

Lt. Abbie Mills: [about Katrina] She dumped her fiance for you? Wow. You got some game.
Ichabod Crane: [slightly annoyed] I neither wanted nor did I was 'game'.

Ichabod Crane: The captain believes these same Hessians are responsible for stealing this artifact?
Lt. Abbie Mills: We just don't know how many of these guys there are. He arrested six at the DWP.
Ichabod Crane: Ah, acronyms.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Department of Water and Power.


"Sleepy Hollow: Root of All Evil (#2.3)" (2014)
Mental Patient: [With a friendly smile] Hi.
Ichabod Crane: [Uncomfortable, but trying not to show it] Good morrow, sir.
Mental Patient: Hi.

Ichabod Crane: [At seeing two guys, one in a baseball cap, holding hands in a restaurant] Is that considered acceptable now?
Abbie Mills: Oh. Lots of attitudes have changed since your days. Not everyone's, but the Supreme Court has upheld the constitutional right of same sex couples. And more and more states are even legalizing gay marriage.
Ichabod Crane: I meant gentlemen wearing hats indoors. I know about homosexuals, thank you. I trained under Baron Von Steuben. His affections for his own sex were well known. Also, I watched the finale of Glee.

Ichabod Crane: Henry Parish assumes the mantle of War, and when he emerges, it is not as a raging colossus but as an attorney.

Ichabod Crane: Sheriff Reyes, I have tried to cooperate, but this country was founded by men who fought for nothing if not individual liberty, forged but he blood of men who refused to bend to a tyrant's will. And as I stand in this public house of law and order, built to defend that very liberty, I declare... I'm well within my rights to be here.
Sheriff Leena Reyes: Do you? Do you? Because I can't find any records you even exist. And as the person responsible for the safety, and therefore liberty, of this town, that's a problem
Ichabod Crane: Well, that's one that's easily solved. My identification is at home. And I'll provide it when next we meet.


"Sleepy Hollow: I, Witness (#3.1)" (2015)
Ichabod Crane: I leave my possessions with these noble souls. My comrades. Thomas Payne described America as a place where all parts are brought into perfect unison. Indeed, though my stay here has been brief, I have come to value the concord I found with my fellow detainees.
[a prisoner across the room gives Crane a gang sign which Crane very solemnly returns]
Abbie Mills: You wanna stay with your new pals.
Ichabod Crane: Good God, no.

Ichabod Crane: [Referring to the tablet he found] Roughly translated, it said, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.
Abbie Mills: [Trying to cover up her laughter] You're serious, Crane?
Ichabod Crane: Yes, I assure you, I am. Do you not see, this tablet...
Abbie Mills: Let me guess. You think this is an ancient prophesy about our place and the war between good and evil? Shamans thousands of years ago predicted what was going to happen. And, this Babylonian artifact will hold the key to what we're supposed to do with your lives. Am I right?
Ichabod Crane: [insulted] Well, no, actually, you're not.
[pause]
Ichabod Crane: It was Samarian, no Babylonian.

Ichabod Crane: [Disgusted at seeing a colonial themed restaurant] The deeds of so many brave men and women, signposts of history, reminders of our hardship and the ultimate sacrifice. They've taken it and used it to decorate an eatery.
Abbie Mills: They also have mini golf out back.

Ichabod Crane: How did you persuade the self-involved magistrates of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement to return my property?
Abbie Mills: Perks of the job. I can also sic the IRS on someone if you want.
Ichabod Crane: This is precisely the abuse of centralized federal power that Thomas Jefferson warned against.
Abbie Mills: Do you want your stuff or not?
Ichabod Crane: Yes. Please.


"Sleepy Hollow: Sanctuary (#1.9)" (2013)
Ichabod Crane: Not to be an alarmist...
Lt. Abbie Mills: But we're in a damn haunted house.

Ichabod Crane: [examining his food from McDonald's] I'm merely noting the eradication a thrice-daily tradition where each meal is treated with the proper allowance at the time. Not that the 'drive through' wasn't impressive. And despite this establishment's nomenclature, this resembles no Scottish meal I've ever eaten.
[looking at the french fries]
Ichabod Crane: These are from the Austrian Netherlands, for one thing. Dreadfully prepared.

Lt. Abbie Mills: My ancestor brought your son into this world.
Ichabod Crane: [appreciative] Quite heroically. I see the family resemblance. It seems that you and I, our paths were entwined from the very start.

Ichabod Crane: When you say billionaire, do you mean one billion dollars? That was the entire gross national product of all thirteen colonies during my entire lifetime.


"Sleepy Hollow: Incommunicado (#3.15)" (2016)
Ichabod Crane: [to the Hidden One] I take it you're not a reader.

Ichabod Crane: [to the Hidden One] Duke Ellington. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Miles Davis. The artist formerly known as Prince. The political passion of Bob Dylan and Nina Simone. The poetry of Emily Dickinson. Shakespeare's sonnets. Odes by Yates. The works of Austin, Dostoevsky, Morrison, Ta-Nehisi Coates. Leonardi Da Vinci. Van Gogh. Fredo Kahlo. Picasso. The fearless lens of Diane Arbus, and the sublime squiggle of Charles M. Shulz. What you call pablum is, in fact, inspiration. And it is forged in the enduring soul of humanity. You may know everything, but you understand nothing.

The Hidden One: Omnipotence isn't always equal to...
Ichabod Crane: Wisdom.

Ichabod Crane: What is a God without worshippers?
The Hidden One: And what is man without a belief in higher power?
Ichabod Crane: Both are lost.


"Sleepy Hollow: Deliverance (#2.7)" (2014)
Ichabod Crane: [He and Abbie are walking into a polling place] I may lack the proper identification to vote. But what excuse do our fellow countrymen have? A voter turnout rate of only 40% nationwide. This is a disgrace!
Abbie Mills: It's a midterm, Crane.
Ichabod Crane: I fought through lines of British regulars for the right to vote. Yet our modern countrymen can barely form a line. Oh, of course, they're more than passionate to vote for American Idolatry.
Abbie Mills: American Idol.
Ichabod Crane: I know its name. I'm only telling you what it *should* be called.

Ichabod Crane: It is true. Our nation's historical lack of universal suffrage is among its greatest disgraces. But, we have come a long way since.
Abbie Mills: It took 180 years and two constitutional amendments for me to win this freedom.

Ichabod Crane: [while waiting in lines at the polls] Oh but, of course, they're more than passionate to vote for 'American Idolatry'
Abbie Mills: [correcting] American Idol.
Ichabod Crane: I know its name. I'm telling you what it should be called.

Abbie Mills: [about Hellfire's locked chest] They're a freaking evil club! Try 666!
Ichabod Crane: [disdainfully] What a lack of imagination!


"Sleepy Hollow: Novus Ordo Seclorum (#3.8)" (2015)
Ichabod Crane: [passing through a frat party] Why is emulating a Roman senate gone amok considered celebratory?

Ichabod Crane: Now, Franklin's treatise was not, in fact, the definitive history of the Eye of Providence. That was written by... fellow Mason Paul Revere.
Joe Corbin: Okay, I'm still not used to the way you name-drop.

Abbie Mills: How do you like our odds, Crane? Be honest.
Ichabod Crane: Three mortals facing a woman of legend and an ancient deity. Obviously, we don't stand a chance.
Abbie Mills: [sarcastic] I did say "Be honest".


"Sleepy Hollow: Bad Blood (#1.13)" (2014)
Ichabod Crane: Admit it. You appreciate me a little.
Lt. Abbie Mills: Microscopically.

Ichabod Crane: On the bright side, at least we'll get to experience life after death within our lifetimes.
Lt. Abbie Mills: That's a pretty dark bright side.

Ichabod Crane: I married a witch. How... cool.
[as Katrina stares at him]
Ichabod Crane: It's a figure of speech. You'll learn.


"Sleepy Hollow: Pittura Infamante (#2.13)" (2015)
Katrina Crane: You had a dalliance with Betsy Ross?
Ichabod Crane: Betsy who?
Abbie Mills: Good answer.

Ichabod Crane: [Referring to the Sheriff] It seems one of us will always be out of her favor.

Ichabod Crane: [to Abbie] Well, at the very least, I'm grateful you arrived when you did. And enchanted bullets. Nice touch.


"Sleepy Hollow: The Sisters Mills (#3.4)" (2015)
Ichabod Crane: [to Abbie who is unconscious in the hospital] Lieutenant. Your duty in this battle is now to heal. This is not your time, dear friend.

Abbie Mills: [to Crane who is in the dentist's chair still under the influence of anesthesia] The dentist said cut back on the gummy bears. And come back in six months for a cleaning.
Ichabod Crane: [a dental assistant hands Crane a packet with toothpaste and a toothbrush. He is overcome] A gift.
[He takes her hand and rests his head against her forearm]
Ichabod Crane: Oh, thank you. You've given me so much.
[the assistant gently pulls away and leaves]
Ichabod Crane: She's given me so much joy.

Ichabod Crane: [Still under the influence of anesthesia and in a dentist's chair, Abbie has just shown him an emoji of him riding an eagle that Zoe sent to him. Near tears, he can barely speak] I'm adorable.


"Sleepy Hollow: The Art of War (#3.7)" (2015)
Ichabod Crane: Nevins' important belongings were locked away, but I managed to retrieve this.
[he shows Abbie the spell Nevins used]
Ichabod Crane: The spell Nevins cast was from the Ynlinga saga, but he changed something. Whereas the Norse mystics called upon the power of Odin, Nevins invoked the power of Pandora. Presumably, the mystical source he was tapping was Pandora's box. It is slight, but a significant alteration.
Abbie Mills: And that's why the mistletoe didn't work. We have no way of figuring out their weakness. We're fighting an unbeatable enemy.
Ichabod Crane: [something she says clicks] "When faced with an unbeatable enemy, you must make the enemy beat themselves."
Abbie Mills: More Sun Tzu?
Ichabod Crane: No. A thinker of a more Western ilk. Daniel Boone.

Ichabod Crane: When I pledged my allegiance to this country in 1776, I had a very clear vision of what my future would hold. Nowhere in that vision did I imagine waking in the 21st century, and yet... More and more, I feel this desire to acculturate. But the idea of losing the archives, of losing my fight for citizenship for a country that I, in part, founded, the idea of losing you... to some wretched federal promotion to... I don't know, Dallas or to Los Angeles or... Sometimes, it seems as though the unbeatable enemy is the 21st century.
Abbie Mills: Yeah, but the thing is, Crane... Joe, me, Jenny... we are the 21st century. And every day, we take you a step further in that direction. That is the unbeatable enemy beating itself. And we ain't going nowhere.


"Sleepy Hollow: Magnum Opus (#2.10)" (2014)
Ichabod Crane: Our quest will not be without peril.
Abbie Mills: Crane, you and I can't have lunch without peril.

Ichabod Crane: [With pride in his accomplishment] I made torches. Fashioned my socks into batting and soaked them in pitch I dug from a new pine bough.
Abbie Mills: I brought flares. You just light 'em.
Ichabod Crane: Well... One can never have enough torches.


"Sleepy Hollow: The Akeda (#2.11)" (2014)
Ichabod Crane: [after his first motorcycle ride] I want one of those! After this is over.

Ichabod Crane: [Regarding Captain Irving] He died a hero. And in his name, we soldier on.


"Sleepy Hollow: Delaware (#3.17)" (2016)
Abbie Mills: You ever think of how many times you and I have technically died? You were buried underground for centuries, choked out by a Sin Eater. Buried again by a tree.
Ichabod Crane: Trapped in purgatory, your jaunt to 1781, abandoned in ancient catacombs. You have endured much, lieutenant.
Abbie Mills: I can endure anything. It's the losses that wear me down. My mom and Corbin.
Ichabod Crane: My wife. My son. I prefer to focus on what we have, and I have a partner of the highest caliber.
Abbie Mills: Better than Betsy Ross?
Ichabod Crane: Well, she was occasionally rather pushy. Prone to talking with a mouth full of food.
Abbie Mills: George Washington?
Ichabod Crane: Well, now there was a great man... but a great man with legendary halitosis.
Abbie Mills: [laughs] I really beat those guys?
Ichabod Crane: Oh... handily.

Abbie Mills: You never waver in your faith. In what we do. In me. And you know how rare that is, don't you?
Ichabod Crane: When it concerns you and me, lieutenant, there is no greater certainty.


"Sleepy Hollow: Ragnarok (#3.18)" (2016)
Ichabod Crane: [to Abbie] What is there for me in a world without you?

Jenny Mills: [about Abbie] She's really gone?
Ichabod Crane: No. The box may have taken her home. But, she is and will forever be... ours.


"Sleepy Hollow: The Weeping Lady (#2.5)" (2014)
Caroline: Your dedication to colonial reenactment is so impressive. You never break character.
Ichabod Crane: Well, one might say it's a way of life.
Caroline: I think it's inspiring. And to be honest... kind of... attractive.
Ichabod Crane: [realization dawns] Oh.
[He slowly backs up. She slowly steps forward]
Ichabod Crane: Miss Caroline... words cannot express how flattered I am.
Caroline: Then don't use words.
Ichabod Crane: [Trapped against the back of the couch] I'm a married man.
Caroline: Oh.
[She backs up a step]
Caroline: I'm so sorry.
Ichabod Crane: No...
Caroline: You live alone. You never talk about her. There's no photos of her around. I assumed you were single or... separated or... a widower.
Ichabod Crane: No, I assure you my wife is alive and well-
[Abbie walks in]
Abbie Mills: [Surprised at the looks on their faces] Didn't mean to interrupt.
Caroline: I am such an idiot. This is *not* what it looks like, Mrs. Crane.
Abbie Mills: Mrs. Who now?
Ichabod Crane: Oh, no, no. Uh... Miss Mills is my partner.
[Caroline is hastily gathering her things while Abby is smiling, clearly enjoying Crane's embarrassment]
Ichabod Crane: Not- not... life partner. She's my... we... Oh, look! She comes baring a selection of delicacies from the Far East.
Abbie Mills: Commonly known as Yummy Foo's Szechuan.
Caroline: I'll be going now. Excuse me.
[Rushes out the door]
Ichabod Crane: No, Miss Caroline... please.
[Closes the door after her]
Abbie Mills: We need a signal. We need to hang a tie on the doorknob or something.
[laughs]

Abbie Mills: Just send her a text. It's the way it's done these days.
Ichabod Crane: A missive composed by thumb cannot adequately convey emotion.
Abbie Mills: Hence, emoticons.
Ichabod Crane: Oh! Yes. A grimacing lemon caricature. That should do the trick. No. I've hurt Miss Caroline's feelings. And I intend to apologize face to face, as a gentleman should.


The Wolf Among Us (2013) (VG)
Bloody Mary: Hi, whatchya got there? Look, it's recently come under our attention that your... How should I put this... attempting to claim what is the personal property of the Crooked Man. He's about yea high, a hundred and twenty odd pounds... Pissed his sheets until he was fourteen... Sound familiar?
Ichabod Crane: I haven't told them anything!
Bloody Mary: Not now, not now, shhhh, the grown ups are talking. Guys?
Sheriff 'Bigby' Wolf: What do you want?
Bloody Mary: That sack of flower, Crane dear, it's crane
Ichabod Crane: It wasn't my fault!
[Got punched by Snow White]
Snow White: Shut. Up. You're interfering with official Fabletown business. Step aside.
Bloody Mary: Tweedle Dee, What's the. Uh, y'know, the thing the Mundies call me?
Dee: Wh - What?
Bloody Mary: My nickname. You know what I'm talking about.
Dee: Uh... Bloody Ma -
[Mary interrupted him]
Bloody Mary: Bloody Mary, that's it, thank you. And do you know why they call me that? Because some of them, they think it's funny to have their little sleepovers and go into their little bathrooms and say my name five times in the mirror. They find it less funny when I actually show up and feed their lungs to the family dog.
[bark's cutely]
Bloody Mary: And I do that for a hobby. Like golf, to relax. This is my job, I like my job. So think about what I'm gonna to do to you, your girl, and the rest of your friends if you don't hand over the SOCKPUPPET NOW!
Sheriff 'Bigby' Wolf: This was really the WRONG DAY TO TRY AND PULL THIS SHIT!
Dee: I told you he'd never just give him up.
[Bloody Mary looks at him and scares him]
Bloody Mary: Fuck it.
Snow White: [after Bigby being shot 7 times] Bigby?
[Bigby's eyes are red and the pupil are getting very small, then he stands up angry and fight back cruelly and furiously]


"Sleepy Hollow: Incident at Stone Manor (#3.10)" (2016)
Jenny Mills: According to accounts I dug up from the spiritualist movement of the 1850s, we need to take advantage of a planetary syzygy.
Ichabod Crane: Syzygy. A word I used to win perhaps the finest round of Scrabble I ever played.
Joe Corbin: It's not English, it's a failed sneeze.
Ichabod Crane: Triple word score. Haters gonna hate.


"Sleepy Hollow: Whispers in the Dark (#3.2)" (2015)
Ichabod Crane: I shall find my place in this modern world, but never at the expense of my colonial soul.


"Sleepy Hollow: What Lies Beneath (#2.16)" (2015)
Abbie Mills: We just blew up the author of the Declaration of Independence.
Ichabod Crane: Truth be told, he insisted.