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: I can't believe that there was a time in my life when all I could think about was... sex Dr. Greenbaum
: That's no way to go through life.
: You spend all your time preaching about waiting for love. Well here it is. Right in front of you, and you're going to turn your back on it. So I guess we're just fucked. I'll move on. But you are going to have to live the rest of your life knowing that you've turned your back on love. And that makes you a hypocrite. Have a nice life.
: I read your manifesto. Annette
: You did? Sebastian
: Yes. I must say, I found it rather... appalling. Annette
: That's a first. Most people praise me for it. Sebastian
: Most people are sheep. Who are you to criticize something you've never experienced? Annette
: I wasn't criticizing. I just think people shouldn't experience the act of love until they are in love and I just don't think people our age are mature enough to experience those kinds of emotions. Sebastian
: Are you a lesbian? Annette
: No... Sebastian
: I didn't mean to offend you. I just picked up on a little bit of that lesbian vibe.
: Why can't we be together? Annette
: You wanna know why? Because I don't trust myself with you.
: I don't believe you. Sebastian
: There's something I have to tell you. Annette
: Tell me. Sebastian
: This isn't working out for me anymore. Annette
: [not taking Sebastian seriously
] Yeah, me neither.
[kisses Sebastian and he doesn't respond
: What's wrong? Sebastian
: It's not you. It's me... I'm completely fucked up. Annette
: What are you saying? Sebastian
: I thought I was in love with you but it was just a lie.I wanted it to work but unfortunately, I feel nothing. Annette
: Why are you doing this? Sebastian
: I just... I just wanted to see what you were like in bed. Annette
: You don't mean that. Sebastian
: You know nothing. You don't even know me!The fact of the matter is, there is someone I love. You don't even compare to her. Sebastian
: I don't know how to make this any clearer to you. You mean nothing to me!You were just... You were just a conquest. Annette
: You're such a coward.Look at yourself! You're shaking! Is that what you came to tell me? Sebastian
: I'm sorry. I'm completely... Annette
: Yeah, you're completely fucked up!Get out!
: Get out! Annette
: [Sebastian tries to touch Annette
] Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
[Tries to touch her again
: Don't fucking touch me Sebastian!
[Slaps Sebastian around the face
: Just leave
[after Sebastian leaves Annette starts crying
: [referring to Annette
] She's really getting to you, isn't she? Sebastian
: If you must know, yes. I can't stand that holier-than-thou bullshit, and yet, I'm completely infatuated with her.
: She made me laugh.
: We've done some pretty fucked up shit in our time but this... I mean, we're destroying an innocent girl. You do realize that?
: This sure doesn't taste like an iced tea. Sebastian
: It's from Long Island.
: Can I take my new car for a ride? Sebastian
: Kathryn, the only thing you'll be riding is me.
: E-mail is for geeks and pedophiles.
: Oh, Sebastian? That little wager of yours? Count me in. Sebastian
: What are the terms? Kathryn
: If I win, then that hot little car of yours is mine. Sebastian
: And if I win? Kathryn
: [Takes off her jacket to reveal a skimpy-looking tank top
] I'll give you something you've been obsessing about ever since our parents got married. Sebastian
: Be more specific. Kathryn
: In English? I'll fuck your brains out. Sebastian
: [a little shocked for a moment, recovers
] What makes you think I'll go for that bet? That is a 1956 Jaguar Roadster. Kathryn
: Because I'm the only person you can't have, and it kills you. Sebastian
: No way.
[Starts to exit the room
: You can put it anywhere... Sebastian
: [Stops in his tracks, bites his lip
] You've got yourself a bet, baby.
[they shake hands and Sebastian exits
: Happy hunting, Sebastian.
: You could be a model. It's too bad you're not sexy.
: I can't win with you. Annette
: It's not all about winning, Sebastian.
: You know what your problem is? You take yourself way too seriously. Sebastian
: I do not. Annette
: You should lighten up. Sebastian
: I am lightened, can we drop this? Annette
[Makes a face at Sebastian
: Will you stop that? Annette
: [Continues to make a face
: Stop, it's distracting
[starts to laugh
: Are you laughing? Sebastian
] No. Annette
[Makes another face, Sebastian begins to laugh and then regains control
: Its okay you can laugh, I promise I won't tell anyone.
: Oh, did I ever tell you the time, when my late husband sent me... Sebastian
: Yes, you already did, Mrs. Sugarman. Mrs. Sugarman
: Oh, I did? Sebastian
: Right after we played backgammon, Mrs. Sugarman. Mrs. Sugarman
: Oh! We played backgammon? Sebastian
: Uh huh. You beat me three times. Mrs. Sugarman
: I did? Sebastian
: Yup. Then I fucked your daughter. Mrs. Sugarman
: Excuse me? Sebastian
: I said, would you care for some water? Mrs. Sugarman
: No, thank you.
: [into a phone
] Fuck her yet? Sebastian
: [into a phone
] I'm working on it. Kathryn
: Loser! Sebastian
: Blow me! Kathryn
: Call me later? Sebastian
: Cecile, you know what would be super-duper sexy? If you lost all the clothes. Cecile Caldwell
: I don't think so.
: I'm impressed. Sebastian
: Well, I'm in love.
: Sounds great... I love you too. Kathryn
: [mocking Sebastian
] "I love you"? My God. You are completely pussy-whipped. Sebastian
: Stop it. Kathryn
: What happened to us? Sebastian
: Nothing's changed. Kathryn
: Yes it has. You're in love with her, you don't love me anymore. Sebastian
: Come on, Kathryn, it's just a bet. Sebastian
: [after being kissed by Kathryn and pushing her away
] This is ridiculous. Kathryn
: What's ridiculous, dear brother, is you! Look at yourself, look at what you've been reduced to! Have you given any thought to what's going to happen when school starts? Not only are you dating Miss Seventeen Magazine, but she's also the new headmaster's daughter. Before you know it, you'll be giving campus tours with her. Oh, wait, her father doesn't know about your past, does he? I doubt he'd let his little princess be seen with the likes of you. Hmm... It's so disappointing to see Annette's manifesto was a total sham. Though, as student body president, I feel it's my sworn duty to tell him.
[picks up the phone and starts dialing
: Put the phone down. Kathryn
: Shh, this will only take a second. Kathryn
: [after Sebastian grabs the phone and slams it down
] Hmm, quite the predicament you're in. Sebastian
: I don't care what you say. The fact of the matter is that I was planning on telling her everything this afternoon. Kathryn
: Oh, that's right, I forgot, you're so in love. Do you honestly believe you've done a complete 180 in the few days you've known her? Well let me tell you something, people don't change overnight. You and I are two of a kind. At least I have the guts to admit it. You were going to leave school a legend, now you're going to leave a joke. Sebastian
: Well, I'm willing to take my chances. Kathryn
: Don't do it, Sebastian. Not only will you ruin your reputation, you'll destroy hers.
: I have a reputation to uphold. Kathryn
: Oh, but diddling the therapist's daughter is a challenge. Sebastian
] She was overcharging.
: I wanna FUCK! Sebastian
: And I don't.
: What shall we toast to? Kathryn
: To my triumph. Sebastian
: It's not my choice of toast, but it's your call. To your triumph over Annette.
: What's so funny? Kathryn
: Silly rabbit. My triumph isn't over her. It's over you. Sebastian
: Come again? Kathryn
: You were very much in love with her. And you're still in love with her. But it amused me to make you ashamed of it. You gave up on the first person you ever loved because I threatened your reputation. Don't you get it? You're just a toy, Sebastian. A little toy I like to play with. And now you've completely blown it with her. I think it's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
: Tastes good. So, I assume you've come here to make arrangements. But unfortunately, I don't fuck losers.
: You amaze me. Kathryn
: Eat me, Sebastian! It's okay for guys like you and Court to fuck everyone. But when I do it, I get dumped for innocent little twits like Cecile. God forbid, I exude confidence and enjoy sex. Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr. Freud. Now tell me, are you in... or are you out?
: The parental units called while you were out. Sebastian
: How IS your gold-digging, whore of a mother enjoying Bali? Kathryn
: She suspects your impotent, alcoholic father is diddling the maid. Sebastian
: [on the phone
] Cecile?... OK, stop crying... stop crying... You know... hold on for Sebastian. Sebastian
: Cecile?... Stop crying.
: Sebaaaastian! Sebastian
: [Under his breath
] Aw fuck me.
: Aunt Helen! God I've missed you!
: Sebastian, I want you to meet Annette. Sebastian
: Well, well. Annette
: Hello. Helen Rosemont
: She'll be staying with me for a while. Sebastian
: I guess that makes two of us. Aunt Helen, why don't you go inside and whip us up some of that iced tea of yours. I'll... tend to Annette. Helen Rosemont
: All right. You two don't get into any trouble. Annette
: We won't.
: I wouldn't expect a man of your experience to understand my beliefs. Sebastian
: [taken off-guard
] Uh... what's THAT supposed to mean? Annette
: I've been very well-informed of your reputation. Sebastian
: What have you heard? Annette
: That you promise girls the world in order to get them in bed with you. Sebastian
: [after a pause; more stunned
] Who told you this? Annette
: A friend wrote me. Sebastian
: That's a little tacky. Annette
: Why do you sound so surprised? It's the truth isn't it? Sebastian
: [walks away; shrugs
] If you say so.
: I didn't know it was asshole day at the Valmont house.
: Ohh well, duty calls. Dr. Greenbaum and her daughter should make for interesting entry. Kathryn
: Ohh, your journal. Could you be more queer? Sebastian
: Could you be more desperate to read it?
: Read this.
[puts down a copy of "seventeen" magazine on the table
: I know how to alleviate menstrual cramps, thank you very much.
: She has a boyfriend named Trevor. Been going out for a year... Trevor understands. Kathryn
: Trevor's a fag.
: I'm sick of sleeping with these insipid Manhattan debutantes. Nothing shocks them anymore.
[reading a virgin's manifesto
: "Why I Plan to Wait" by Annette Hargrove, Kansas City, Kansas. Jesus Christ, is she for real? Sebastian
: Oh, she's daddy's little angel, a paradigm of chastity and virtue.
: Night Sweetpea.
] Dear Annette, I don't know what I could possibly say that would rectify the harm I've caused you. The truth of the matter is that being with you was the only time I have ever been happy. My whole life has been a joke. I prided myself on taking joy in others' misery. Well, it finally backfired. I succeed in hurting the first person I ever loved. Enclosed is my most prized possession. My journal. For a long time I considered it my trophy. A sordid collection of my conquests. If you really want to know the truth than please read it. No more lies. Please give me another chance. I'm a wreck without you.
: Unbelievable! Some fag, no offense... Blaine
: None taken. Sebastian
: Wrote a letter to this chick describing my lascivious tactics. Blaine
: Any ideas who it could be? Sebastian
: Blaine, if I knew who it was, that person would be in a momentous amount of pain!
: She made me laugh.
[Cecile is wearing a shirt with a big koala bear on it
: My, what an adorable shirt you're wearing! Cecile Caldwell
: Thanks, my dad took me on a trip to Australia. Sebastian
: And how are things down under?
[looks up her skirt
: Blossoming, I hope.
[Sebastian has just caught Greg in bed with Blaine
] Greg McConnell
: This could ruin my career, man... Sebastian
: Your career? Greg, think about your family. Can you imagine the pain and humiliation your father is going to feel when he finds out that his pride and joy is a fudge-packer? Greg McConnell
: Valmont, please! Let's just forget about this... Sebastian
: [Pretends to ponder for a beat
] No. Sorry... can't help you there. After all, it is you who's been bad-mouthing me to Annette Hargrove. Greg McConnell
] Annette Hargrove? I don't know what you're talking about! Sebastian
: I'm talking about a letter you wrote some time ago to your old girlfriend, Annette Hargrove, telling her all about me and my sordid secrets. You're the only one who knows her. The truth will save you. Greg McConnell
: I never said a word to her about you! I promise! Sebastian
: Yeah, right. Blaine
: Come to think of it, Valmont, he is probably telling you the truth. The man can barely write out a shopping list, let alone a letter. What was I thinking!
: You're telling me you had the chance to fuck her and you didn't? God, are you a chump. Sebastian
: A momentary lapse of judgment, soon to be rectified.
: It's not like you have a husband - unless you're married to Jesus.
: [on the phone
] What are you reading? Sebastian
: A Tale of Two Cities. Annette
: Oh, I love Dickins. Sebastian
: Me too. Hang on its the other line.
[turns to the two hookers on his bed. One is in a thong the other has her hand on the first one's butt
: Keep stroking.
[talk to Annette
: Sorry, that was my mom.
Gretchen (a hooker)
: Books are for fags. Sebastian
: Books are for fags? Then weep for the future.
: Get your ass on the bed and prepare for the fuck of your life. After what you put me through I deserve it.
: Who are you spying on? That her? Sebastian
: Yeah Kathryn
: Aww, she's crying. Little baby upset about the big bad book. Sebastian
: Shut up! Kathryn
: What's up your ass?
: Now, just think for a minute. This girl... Annette Hargrove, she said someone wrote her a letter explaining all about you. Where did you say she was from? Sebastian
: Kansas. Who the hell do I know in Kansas? Blaine Tuttle
: Greg McConnell. Sebastian
: The football stud? Blaine Tuttle
: Mm hm. He's from Kansas City. I wouldn't be surprised if he was your rat. Sebastian
: It would make sense... McConnell hates me. I fingered his girlfriend at Homecoming last year. Blaine Tuttle
: I... don't think that bothered him so much. Sebastian
: What do you mean? Blaine Tuttle
: Well, let's just say that Greg likes to tackle the tight ends both on AND off the field. Sebastian
: Oh, are you shitting me? Blaine Tuttle
: I shit you not. He used to sneak into my dorm room, drunk, every month. We'd go at it for a little while, and then as soon as he'd come, he'd start freaking out: "Oh, what are you doing, man? I'm not a fag! If you tell anybody I'm gonna kick your ass!" Gah. The only reason I let him keep up this charade is cause the man's got a mouth like a Hoover. Ooof!
: Well... it's too bad that Greg's in Kansas this summer. Blaine Tuttle
: Not any more. Football practice just started last week. He's back in the dorms. Sebastian
: Do you think you can arrange a little pillow-kissing session with him? Blaine Tuttle
: I do belive that Sparticus is playing on TV tonight.
: [as they are kissing
] You do realize you're my step sister. Kathryn
: You know what they say about incest. Sebastian
: Is there any line you won't cross? Kathryn
: Only one... never in the butt. Sebastian
: That's a good line. Kathryn
: The Bradys never had it so good.
: Wait. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Sebastian
: That's cool. Danielle
: I'm sorry. It's just that yesterday was my first kiss, and now you're practically touching my breast. At this rate, your dick will be in my mouth by lunch. Sebastian
: ...anyone for lunch?
[Kathryn walks in on Sebastian showering
: Let's get something straight! I may have not fooled you, but I've got a great thing going with the rentals. I don't have a curfew, they never bother me about my homework, and I've got a five-figure allowance. No one, and I mean no one, is about to threaten my cushy lifestyle! Especially not some two-bit, hick loser like you. Sebastian
: But... Kathryn
: I don't want to hear it! Now as for school, you stay out of my face and we'll get along just fine. But if you cross me once, I'll bury your sorry ass. Understood? Right. I'm glad we could have this little discussion.
[looks down at Sebastian
: Hmmm, not bad.
: Sebastian, do you believe in a higher power? Sebastian
: Yeah. Danielle
: Do you believe love conquers all? Sebastian
: Yeah. Danielle
: Do you believe in our love? Sebastian
: Yeah, it's the only thing keeping me together. Danielle
: So you do believe in our love. Sebastian
: Yes, I believe in our love. Danielle
: Cause I sure as hell don't.
[When asked if he slept bad at night
: I think there was a pea under my pillow. Henry
: I'll look into it, Sir.
: You're going out with that obnoxious girl who spit gum in your hair? Kathryn
: Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Sebastian
: Oh come on Kathryn, she's just a freshman. Pick on someone your own size. Kathryn
: Like you? In due time.
: You must feel like a terrible dope leading on that poor, lovesick girl. Sebastian
: You don't know what you're talking about. Kathryn
: Here's a prediction: after a few weeks of hand-holding and chaste smooching, you'll be so bored and horny that you'll mess the whole thing up. Of course, I could wipe her off the map tomorrow, but I think I'll let this little romance just flicker out all on it's own. Sebastian
: Look, I like the girl. I like her a lot. Do anything to screw it up, and I will screw you up! Kathryn
: Nobody ever threatens me! Sebastian
: I just did, or weren't you listening? Kathryn
: You do realize that this means war! Sebastian
: Then war it is.
[Sebastian then trips Kathryn who lands in a mud puddle
: [On the phone
] I'll be there in an hour. Danielle
: Sounds Great. The new James Van Der Beek film's playing in town. Sebastian
: Perfect. You're sure your dad won't mind? Danielle
: No, he's out of town for the night. It's just me and Mr. Whiskers. Sebastian
: Mr. Whiskers? Danielle
: My pussy, silly Sebastian
: Oh... Okay, well I'll see you soon. All right. Bye.
[Hangs up phone
: The school virgin's home alone with her pussy, and I'm taking her to see Dawson. God, I've become a total fag.
[Sebasian opens his bedroom door to find Kathryn standing there after overhearing his phone conversation with Danielle
: Psycho stepsister? Sebastian
: Evening. Kathryn
: Evening, Oh, she shot you down. Sebastian
: Exactly the opposite. Kathryn
: So, what's on the agenda? Matinee of The Lion King? Sebastian
: Man you really have it out for her don't you? It must really burn your ass that with all your money and popularity, she still won't have anything to do with you. Face it Kathryn, she's outclassed you. Kathryn
: How dare you talk to me like that you son of a bitch! Sebastian
: Well, this has been fun. Unfortunately, I have some work to do and you have to go throw up. After all, it was a really big salad you had for dinner. Kathryn
: Have you been spying on me?
: Oh my God, Kathryn is just terrible. Min Lin
: She's a bitch! Sebastian
: If it's so bad here, why don't you guys just quit? Henry
: It's steady employment, sir. Gunther
: This is a good address. I could be working in a seedy restaurant down in the lower 50s! Min Lin
: Or worse, Scarsdale. The ladies there make me crazy! All the time sending me to the market looking for gefilte. My father was a fisherman for over 20 years and he never caught one gefilte. And, what is a gefilte?
: You win again, Master Sebastian. Sebastian
: Henry, I really wish you'd quit it with the "master" thing. Henry
: But sir, it's your title. It shows privilege. Sebastian
: Yeah, well what has it gotten me? I poured all my money into gifts and still didn't get the girl. Danielle hates my wealth, or resents it, or something like that. Henry
: Perhaps it's not my place to speak, sir. Sebastian
: No, Henry please. Feel free to speak to me. I'm desprate here. If you have any advice, let me know. Henry
: Well... maybe she doesn't want to feel like she's being bought. Sebastian
: You think that's it? Henry
: I don't know. Women are complicated creatures. It's been my experence sir, that women are more intersted in the soul of a man than in his trappings.
[after catching the servents playing poker with Sebastian
: Get out, all of you! And you can be damn sure that my mother's going to hear about this when she gets back. Sebastian
: No she won't. Kathryn
: What did you say? Sebastian
: I said you're not telling anyone about this. This was my idea. I ordered them to play cards. Kathryn
: And to drink Mother's prized 1939 Neuf du Pape? Sebastian
: Great year. Blitzkrieg, wasn't it?