Fred Mertz
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Quotes for
Fred Mertz (Character)
from "I Love Lucy" (1951)

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"I Love Lucy: Drafted (#1.11)" (1951)
Ricky Ricardo: [while Lucy thinks that Ricky is going into the army while Ricky thinks Lucy is pregnant] Me, father?
Fred Mertz: Yeah. You, father. Lucy, mother. Me, Tarzan.

Fred Mertz: Some people build model airplanes. Ethel reads postcards.

Ricky Ricardo: Have you ever heard Lucy sing?
Fred Mertz: No.
Ricky Ricardo: Our fighting men have been through enough.

Ricky Ricardo: Lucy's been acting strange lately!
Fred Mertz: Strange? How can you tell?

"I Love Lucy: Equal Rights (#3.4)" (1953)
Fred Mertz: Rick, did I ever tell you what happened to Ethel and me on our honeymoon?
Ricky Ricardo: [with a touch of sarcasm] Not lately.
Fred Mertz: Oh. Did I tell you, Lucy?
Lucy Ricardo: Yes.
Ethel Mertz: [Fred turns toward Ethel] I was there!

Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, you remember the musicians' picnic last Fourth of July?
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, what a day that was.
Ethel Mertz: What happened?
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, well, we...
Ricky Ricardo: I'll tell it, Dear. The musicians' local was having a picnic... and all the boys in the band wanted to go... We left about, eh, ten o'clock.
Lucy Ricardo: It was twelve o'clock.
Ricky Ricardo: No, Dear, it was ten o'clock.
Lucy Ricardo: No, Honey, it was twelve o'clock.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, what's the difference?
Fred Mertz: Two hours.

Lucy Ricardo: I don't know how you treat your women in Cuba, but this is the United States, and I have my rights.
Ricky Ricardo: I am not arguing about women's right. I am the first one to agree that women should have all the rights they want. As long as they stay in their place.
Fred Mertz: That's tellin' her.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, you're just as bad as he is, Fred. You men tell us that we have equal rights, but you certainly don't give us a chance to act like it.
Fred Mertz: [indignant] What do you want? You've got the vote, you wear pants, you drive buses, you wrestle, you go everyplace you please except the steam room in the YMCA.

"I Love Lucy: Job Switching (#2.1)" (1952)
Ricky Ricardo: How much rice do you think we should use for four people?
Fred Mertz: I don't know. People do like that stuff.
Ricky Ricardo: How does one pound per person sound?
Fred Mertz: Sounds about right.
Ricky Ricardo: That's good because that's what I put in: four pounds.

Ricky Ricardo: Say, what do you know about rice?
Fred Mertz: Well, I had it thrown at me on one of the darkest days of my life.

Ricky Ricardo: What have you got there?
Fred Mertz: I brought my cake. Seven layers of luscious Devil's Food. Wait til you see it.
[Fred takes off the cake cover to reveal a cake barely one inch thick]
Ricky Ricardo: What happened to the other seven layers?
Fred Mertz: They're all there. Some just... didn't rise very much.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, it doesn't matter. You can put on a lot of frosting.
Fred Mertz: What do you mean "put on"? The frosting's already in it.
Ricky Ricardo: In it?
Fred Mertz: Yeah, I mixed it all up together before I baked the cake. Isn't that how it's supposed to turn out?
Ricky Ricardo: No, I don't think so, Fred. Well, maybe you should wait until breakfast and serve it as a pancake.

"I Love Lucy: Lucy in the Swiss Alps (#5.21)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: Fred, I've got a confession to make to you.
Fred Mertz: What is it, Honeybunch?
Ethel Mertz: You remember when we were married, I said I was 18? I was 19.
Fred Mertz: I've got something to tell you, too. You were 24.

Lucy Ricardo: [taking in the view from the Mertz hotel room in Switzerland] Isn't that the greatest sight you've ever seen? Imagine having an Alp right outside your window.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, Lucy, it's all so beautiful it leaves me absolutely speechless.
Fred Mertz: Yeah, why'd you have to louse it up, Lucy. That's the first time she's stopped talking since we've been married.
Ethel Mertz: Ohhhhh, Fred, you haven't even looked out the window. Haven't you any appreciation for beauty?
Fred Mertz: What are you doin', Ethel, fishin' for insults?

Fred Mertz: [Fred realizes that he sent the band to Locarno by mistake, instead of Lucerne] I'm not gonna hang around here and explain this to Ricky... He'll punch me right in the nose.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, he will not punch you in the nose. Now listen, all the times Ricky's been mad at me, he never once struck me.
Fred Mertz: Well, you're bigger than I am.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, don't let that Latin temperament scare you. Ricky's bark is worse than his bite.
Fred Mertz: Don't tell me he bites, too.

"I Love Lucy: The Adagio (#1.12)" (1951)
Lucy Ricardo: There's just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.
Fred Mertz: Your feet?

Ricky Ricardo: [Fred crosses his fingers] What's that for?
Fred Mertz: Well, I'm always hoping that this time'll be the charm.
Ricky Ricardo: What do you mean?
Fred Mertz: Ethel keeps goin' out to put on a new face, but she always comes back with the old one.

Ethel Mertz: I'm sorry, Fred, but I'm about to dethrone you as King of the apache dancers.
Fred Mertz: You're a little late, I've just abdicated.

"I Love Lucy: Lucy Wants to Move to the Country (#6.15)" (1957)
Ethel Mertz: [Lucy, Fred and Ethel pose as gangsters working for 'The Brains' - i.e., Ricky - so they can get their house deposit back] Now The Brains'll have to find another house. He ain't gonna like this.
Fred Mertz: [pretending to be 'Fingers'] What do I care what he likes?
Lucy Ricardo: Watch out, or you'll step on The Brains' toes, Fingers.

Fred Mertz: [Ethel is crying when Lucy comes into the room] Come on, Ethel, we'd better get out of here.
Lucy Ricardo: No, now wait a minute Fred, something's wrong. What is it, Ethel?
Ethel Mertz: Oh, Lucy, I know you're not gonna move, but if you ever do move, *don't move*!

Lucy Ricardo: [after Ricky puts down a deposit on a house in the country, Lucy changes her mind and doesn't want to leave Ethel and Fred] There must be some way to get that $500 back. Fred, you know about real estate and things. Isn't there some way that we can make Mr Spaulding give, um, give that deposit back?
Fred Mertz: Well, I don't know, unless you could fix it some way to make him think you're undesirable, and he didn't want you to have the house.
Lucy Ricardo: Hey, that's a good idea.
Fred Mertz: Yeah.
Lucy Ricardo: Now let's think. How can we do that?
Ethel Mertz: *We*? How did we get in on this?
Lucy Ricardo: Well, for heaven's sake, Ethel, you and Fred are the reason that I don't want to move. The least you can do is help me out of this fix.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, you're right. Let's see, now, how can we be undesirable?
Fred Mertz: That shouldn't be hard for you, Ethel.

"I Love Lucy: Lucy Hires an English Tutor (#2.13)" (1952)
Percy Livermore: We must rid our speech of slang. Now, besides "OK", I want you all to promise me that there are two words that you will never use. One of these is "swell" and the other one is "lousy".
Lucy Ricardo: OK, what are they?
Percy Livermore: [with emphasis] One of them is "swell" and the other one is "lousy".
Fred Mertz: Well, give us the lousy one first.

Fred Mertz: See you at recess, Ricky. The last one to the seesaw is a rotten egg!

Percy Livermore: When I tippy tippy toe through my garden, Where all the pretty flowers dwell, There's a rare perfume in my garden And I just love to stand there and smell. And as I tippy tippy toe along, All the pretty flowers seem to sing this song.
Ricky Ricardo: Derry down pip pip
Lucy Ricardo: Dilly dilly day
Ethel Mertz: Hey nonny nonny
Fred Mertz: Rippity pippity yay
Fred Mertz: Derry down ding dong
Ethel Mertz: Dilly dilly do
Lucy Ricardo: Hey nonny nonny
Ricky Ricardo: Rippity pippity poo

"I Love Lucy: Staten Island Ferry (#5.12)" (1956)
Lucy Ricardo: We're depending on you to be our guide in Germany. Have you been studying your German?
Fred Mertz: Jawohl, Fräulein.
Lucy Ricardo: Hey, that's wonderful.
Fred Mertz: Geben, uh, sie mie, uh, ein Stein Würzburger.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, great! What does that mean?
Ethel Mertz: What do you think it means? Gimme a glass of beer.
Lucy Ricardo: Is that all he's learned?
Ethel Mertz: Nope. He's learned how to order nine different kinds of beer. Oh, we're gonna have an interesting time in Germany.

Fred Mertz: [last line in the episode, Fred is talking to the Clerk] Hey, you can go now.
[puts the plug of the clock into the socket]

Fred Mertz: [seeing their passport pictures for the first time] Let me see yours, Hon. Hey, that's pretty good of you.
Ethel Mertz: That's you!
Fred Mertz: [Ethel and Lucy get their pictures, and scream together] Let me see that one of you. Hey, that looks more like me than the one of me does!
Ethel Mertz: You wanna trade?

"I Love Lucy: The Indian Show (#2.24)" (1953)
Fred Mertz: [Ricky is absorbed in a book about American Indians when Fred walks in] What's so exciting?
Ricky Ricardo: Oh, those Indians you used to have in this country. The stories about them will really make your blood cuddle.
Fred Mertz: Cuddle?
Ricky Ricardo: [he points to the book's title, "Blood Curdling Indian Tales"] Yeah, cuddle.
Fred Mertz: Oh, cuddle! I thought you meant like in that song, "Curdle Up a Little Closer".

Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy hears about Ricky's Indian show and, as usual, wants to be in it] Now, Ricky, it's been a long time since I even asked you to be in one of your shows.
Ricky Ricardo: Yes, I remember the last time, and you said it was gonna be your "Swan Song".
Lucy Ricardo: Well, it's time for that swan to hit the comeback trail.
Fred Mertz: That swan's got a little ham in it!
Lucy Ricardo: You keep out of this.
Ricky Ricardo: Look, I want you to understand this: you cannot be in this show or in any other show.
Lucy Ricardo: Give me one good reason.
Ricky Ricardo: I'll give you one good reason. You're a mother.
Lucy Ricardo: I have just as much talent now as I had before the baby was born.
Ricky Ricardo: That makes two good reasons.

Fred Mertz: Hey, I got a great joke you can use.
Ricky Ricardo: Yeah?
Fred Mertz: Yeah. Do you know the one about the Indian that had to sleep in the hotel lobby 'cause he didn't have a reservation?
Ricky Ricardo: No, how does it go?
Fred Mertz: Never mind. You wouldn't like it.

"I Love Lucy: Redecorating the Mertzes' Apartment (#3.8)" (1953)
Ethel Mertz: Fred, Lucy and Ricky'll be here in a minute.
Fred Mertz: That's good.
Ethel Mertz: Well, go change.
Fred Mertz: Change?
Ethel Mertz: You don't expect to stay dressed like that, do you?
Fred Mertz: Well, from the tone of your voice, I guess I don't!

Fred Mertz: [Fred and Ethel aren't speaking, Fred blames Lucy, and he is eating alone in the living room as Lucy and Ricky knock on the door] Come in.
Lucy Ricardo: Hello, Fred.
Fred Mertz: [less than enthusiastic] Oh, it's you.
Ricky Ricardo: What's that you're eating?
Fred Mertz: My breakfast.
Ricky Ricardo: A bottle of beer and a salami sandwich?
Fred Mertz: Well, it's the only thing I know how to cook. Ethel has locked herself in the bedroom and won't come out.
Lucy Ricardo: Well, that's why we're here, Fred. I have a plan that'll fix everything.
Fred Mertz: Please. From now on, your channel doesn't come in on my set.
Lucy Ricardo: He'll listen to you, Ricky. You tell him I have a wonderful plan that won't cost him a cent.
Ricky Ricardo: My scatterbrained wife has another half-witted scheme, and if you listen to it, you're out of your mind.
Lucy Ricardo: Boy, did I suffer in that translation!

"I Love Lucy: The Kleptomaniac (#1.27)" (1952)
Fred Mertz: You don't think she's a kleptomaniac do you?
Ricky Ricardo: No, I think she just steals.

Fred Mertz: [Ricky finds blueprints] What is it?
Ricky Ricardo: The Shashe National Bank!
Dr. Tom Robinson: Oh no. That's where I keep my money! Oh this is serious!

"I Love Lucy: Lucy Raises Chickens (#6.19)" (1957)
Ethel Mertz: [when Fred and Ethel stop by for a weekend visit, the conversation suddenly pauses while everyone notices that Ethel is shoveling in the food] What's the matter, haven't you ever seen me eat before?
Fred Mertz: I've never seen you do anything else.

Ricky Ricardo: [when Ricky comes home, he finds the living room floor covered with baby chicks, and the heat up to 90 degrees] Well, I'd like to think I got into the wrong house, but I know I din't.
Lucy Ricardo: No, you din't.
Ethel Mertz: Well, Rick, y'see, Lucy and I bought five hundred baby chicks.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, aren't they cute, Honey?
Ricky Ricardo: [impatiently] Adorable! But what are they doin' here?
Fred Mertz: Well, we had to bring 'em into the house because these two Dumb Doras didn't know that you have to keep baby chicks in brooders.
Ricky Ricardo: Why, anybody knows that you have to keep baby chicks in a brooder. What's a brooder?

"I Love Lucy: The Charm School (#3.15)" (1954)
Ricky Ricardo: Now what do you think this pleasant surprise could be?
Fred Mertz: Maybe they're leaving us?

Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy, dressed in a stunning, skin-tight evening gown prances into the room, showing off her new glamorous look] May I have a light, please? Thanks awfully, darling.
Ricky Ricardo: Who is that?
Fred Mertz: It looks like Lucy.
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy?
Lucy Ricardo: Yes, dah-ling?
Ricky Ricardo: It is Lucy.
Fred Mertz: Well, what do you know.
Lucy Ricardo: [Door buzzer sounds] That must be my dear friend, Ethel. Please Fred, I'll open the door.
Fred Mertz: Open it? I was going to LOCK it!
Lucy Ricardo: Oh my dear fellow. You have such a refreshing wit.
[Opens door]
Ethel Mertz: [Ethel strolls in, dressed in a tight leopard skin evening gown] I hope I didn't hold up the party.
Lucy Ricardo: Not at all, darling. Do come in.
Ricky Ricardo: [Can't believe his eyes regarding Ethel's transformation] Who's that?
Fred Mertz: Who's that? WHAT'S that?

"I Love Lucy: Lucy Gets Homesick in Italy (#5.22)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: [on arrival in Florence] Fred, are you sure this is the right hotel?
Fred Mertz: Well, the sign said Hotel Grande.
Lucy Ricardo: Well, it is kind of picturesque.
Ethel Mertz: Why did you bring us to this picturesque dump?

Fred Mertz: [nobody in the run-down hotel answers when Fred rings at the desk] Where is everybody?
Ethel Mertz: Even the owner won't stay around this old trap.
Fred Mertz: Now just a minute. It may be a little old, but it's cheap.
Ethel Mertz: Well, that makes two of ya.

"The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour: Lucy Wins a Race Horse (#1.4)" (1958)
Ricky Ricardo: [hears Whirling Jet] What was that?
Lucy Ricardo: What was what?
Ricky Ricardo: It sounded like a horse.
Lucy Ricardo: A horse?
Ethel Mertz: That was me.
[nays like a horse]
Fred Mertz: That's right, Rick, she eats like a horse so much she's commenced to sound like one.

Ricky Ricardo: [hears Whirling Jet] What was that?
Lucy Ricardo: What was what?
Ricky Ricardo: It sounded like a horse.
Lucy Ricardo: A horse?
Ethel Mertz: That was me.
[neighs like a horse]
Fred Mertz: That's right, Rick, she eats like a horse so much she's commenced to sound like one.

"I Love Lucy: Lucy Meets the Queen (#5.15)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: Imagine me meeting a Queen face to face, I'm scared.
Fred Mertz: You're scared? Think of the Queen!

Fred Mertz: [seing their London hotel rooms for the first time] I say, old bean, ain't this the nuts?
Ethel Mertz: [bursting at the seams] What a city this is!
Ricky Ricardo: How's your room?
Fred Mertz: It's great. Just like this, same view and everything.
Ethel Mertz: Ehhhh, one thing stumped him, though... He didn't know how much to tip the bellhop.
Fred Mertz: I didn't know whether to give him tuppence or threepence.
[he uses the common pronunciation 'thruppence']
Ricky Ricardo: Fred, threepence is only about three cents.
Ethel Mertz: Well, he solved it rather neatly.
Lucy Ricardo: What'd he give him?
Ethel Mertz: Nuppence!... Fred is now the darling of the bellhops on two different continents!

"I Love Lucy: The Homecoming (#5.6)" (1955)
Mrs. Trumbull: [welcoming the Ricardos and Mertzes back to New York] Look at the baby. He's almost as big as I am.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, that's the California climate, you know. Everything grows bigger out there.
Fred Mertz: Yeah, look at Ethel.

Ricky Ricardo: [Lucy is told that Ricky is something special now that he's a movie star, and Ricky is annoyed] What about her? She shines my shoes, she answers my fan mail, she, she, she runs all my errands for me, she follows me around like a... like a little puppy. She thinks I'm a... she's treating me like if I was a big movie star. I want to be treated like a husband.
Fred Mertz: What an awful thing to say.
Ricky Ricardo: Now, look, Fred, I gotta snap her out of it. You got any ideas?
Fred Mertz: Nope. Getting Ethel to stop being nice to me is a problem I've never had to face.

"I Love Lucy: The Girls Want to Go to the Nightclub (#1.1)" (1951)
[Lucy and Ethel come out from the kitchen; Ricky and Fred stand up]
Lucy Ricardo: What's the matter? What are you standing up for?
Ricky Ricardo: Because two gorgeous ladies entered the room.
Lucy Ricardo: They did? Where?
Ethel Mertz: They mean us.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh! You great big latin lover you!
[she pinches Ricky's cheek]
Ethel Mertz: Oh! You sweet, handsome man you!
[she pinches Fred's cheek]
Ricky Ricardo: You gorgeous, exciting, woman you!
[he pinches Lucy's cheek]
Fred Mertz: I pass.

Fred Mertz: Hey Rick, are you doing anything Monday night?
Ricky Ricardo: I don't think so. It's my night off, why?
Fred Mertz: I'd like you to join me in commemoration of an 18-year-old tragedy.
Ricky Ricardo: What do you mean?
Fred Mertz: Well, it's our wedding anniverary.
Ricky Ricardo: Oh, you want us to join you in the celebration?
Fred Mertz: I'd prefer to think of it as a grim reminder.

"I Love Lucy: Ricky's European Booking (#5.10)" (1955)
Ricky Ricardo: [to Fred] You be Lucy. Hi honey, I've got great news, I'm going to Europe.
Fred Mertz: [high pitched voice] Europe!
[screams and jumps up and down hugging Ricky, goes to the phone]
Fred Mertz: Helen, I'm going to Europe, goodbye!
[hangs up]
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy won't do that.
Fred Mertz: Are we talking about the same Lucy?

Fred Mertz: [to Ricky, arguing about Lucy's behavior] My Lucy has red hair and blue eyes, what's yours look like?

"I Love Lucy: The Handcuffs (#2.4)" (1952)
Ricky Ricardo: What do you know about rice?
Fred Mertz: Well, I had it thrown at me on one of the darkest days in my life.

"I Love Lucy: First Stop (#4.13)" (1955)
Ethel Mertz: [while everyone else is asleep, Lucy drives in a circle back to the run-down motel they earlier had decided to leave] Oh, we're not back in the same place!
Lucy Ricardo: We are, unless there's a chain of these across the country.
Fred Mertz: Oh, no.
Ethel Mertz: Lucy!
Lucy Ricardo: Well, I was only trying to help. I saw a sign that said, 'Good accomodations, good food', and an arrow saying 'Take this road', and somehow I wound up back here.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, as long as we're here, we're in no condition to continue. We'll stay right here.
Ethel Mertz: Here?
Fred Mertz: In Lower Slobovia?

"I Love Lucy: Little Ricky's School Pageant (#6.10)" (1956)
Lucy Ricardo: [Little Ricky convinces Big Ricky to swallow his pride and be a hollow tree in the school pageant] Well, I guess he taught you a lesson. Just because you couldn't be the Big Cheese, you didn't want to play.
Ricky Ricardo: Don't you talk too much. Wait 'til you find out what they want you to do.
Lucy Ricardo: What?
Ricky Ricardo: You are going to be the Old Witch.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, a hollow tree and an Old Witch. That's funny, huh?
Ricky Ricardo: And don't you two laugh, either.
Ethel Mertz: What do you mean?
Ricky Ricardo: Well, all the parents are busy in the production and direction end of this extravaganza, so I told them that you two would be very happy to take a part.
Fred Mertz: Oh, no. What'd they pick out for me?
Ricky Ricardo: Oh, they got a dilly for you. You're gonna be a frog!
Ethel Mertz: Freddy the Frog. Oh, that's *really* funny!
Ricky Ricardo: And you, Ethel, are going to be the Fairy Princess.
Ethel Mertz: [suddenly feeling elegant] Ohhhh.
Fred Mertz: Well, if there's anything funnier than me being a frog, its you being a Fairy Princess!

"I Love Lucy: Mertz and Kurtz (#4.2)" (1954)
Barney Kurtz: [two strangers meet in the Atlantic City sketch at the Tropicana] Well, hello!
Fred Mertz: Hello, stranger. Well, are you here for the convention?
Barney Kurtz: For the Dairyman's Convention.
Fred Mertz: Good for you. I'm from, uh, Wisconsin.
Barney Kurtz: And I am from Illinois, sir.
Fred Mertz: Good. That's a mighty nice part of the country.
Barney Kurtz: What hotel you stopping at?
Fred Mertz: Hotel? I'm only gonna be here three days!
[both laugh heartily]

"I Love Lucy: Lucy Has Her Eyes Examined (#3.11)" (1953)
Ethel Mertz: Lucy, have you seen Fred?
Lucy Ricardo: No, honey, I haven't...
Fred Mertz: [Fred comes in the other door] Hey, Lucy, have you seen Ethel?
Ethel Mertz: Oh, there you are.
Fred Mertz: Oh, there *you* are. Where have you been?
Ethel Mertz: I've been lookin' for you. Where have you been?
Fred Mertz: I've been lookin' for you. Where have *you* been?
Ethel Mertz: I've been lookin'...
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, now, wait a minute. You found each other. Now go on from there.
Fred Mertz: What d'you want?
Ethel Mertz: I wanted to tell you to be sure and sandpaper that new banister you put in, before some idiot runs his hand down it and picks up a splinter. What'd you want?
Fred Mertz: I was wonderin' if you'd help me get this splinter out of my hand.

"I Love Lucy: Lucy Is a Matchmaker (#2.27)" (1953)
Ricky Ricardo: [Lucy and Ethel arrange a date for traveling negligee salesman Eddie Grant, so he rewards them by leaving them in his hotel room to choose any negligee they want - wholesale. Ricky and Fred stop by, and catch Lucy trying on the garment] Lucy! You, here, dressed in that. You must be out of your mind!
Ethel Mertz: [from the next room] Who is it, Lucy? Did Eddie come back?
Fred Mertz: [she enters, also negligee-clad] Ethel! You, here, dressed in that. *He* must be out of his mind!

"I Love Lucy: The Audition (#1.6)" (1951)
Ricky Ricardo: For goodness' sakes don't tell Lucy, will you? If she knows the audition is tonight she'll be pestering the life out of me to get into the act. How am I gonna get rid of her for the day?
Fred Mertz: Well, you could lock her in the bathroom. If she stays in there as long as Ethel does she'll never even know the door's locked.

"I Love Lucy: The Diet (#1.3)" (1951)
Ethel Mertz: What if I cried every time I put on a pound?
Fred Mertz: We'd be up to our ears in tears.

"I Love Lucy: The Ricardos Visit Cuba (#6.9)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: Oh, just think. You'll be visiting your relatives in a foreign land. Sometimes I wish I had married a Cuban.
Fred Mertz: That makes two of us!

"I Love Lucy: The Passports (#5.11)" (1955)
Ricky Ricardo: Hi, everybody... I got the boat tickets... Now all we gotta do tomorrow is get our pasaports.
Lucy Ricardo: [gently mocking Ricky's pronunciation] Yeah, that's all we gotta do now is get our pasaports.
Ethel Mertz: Europe, here we come.
Fred Mertz: Look out, mademoiselle from Armentières!
Ricky Ricardo: Honey, did you get my naturalization papers?
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, I got 'em out of the safe deposit box this morning.
Ricky Ricardo: How 'bout your birthatificate?
Lucy Ricardo: I wired the Jamestown Hall of Records, and they'll send it to me.
Ricky Ricardo: Good.
Fred Mertz: I got mine.
Ricky Ricardo: Ethel?
Ethel Mertz: Yep. I had to hunt for it, but I finally found it.
[she pulls out a piece of paper]
Fred Mertz: Show it to 'em, Honey.
Ethel Mertz: No.
Lucy Ricardo: She doesn't want us to see the year
Fred Mertz: Put your finger over the year. I thought they might like to see what Lincoln's signature looks like.

"I Love Lucy: Lucy and the Dummy (#5.3)" (1955)
Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy shows Ethel and Fred how she plans to dance with a dummy of Ricky at the studio club party] What do you think? You think it'll work?
Ethel Mertz: Think what'll work?
Lucy Ricardo: Well, my dance for the studio club. D'you think they'll know it's a dummy?
Fred Mertz: Nobody but the audience.

"I Love Lucy: The Fur Coat (#1.9)" (1951)
Fred Mertz: [Fred and Ethel think Ricky has bought Lucy a mink coat] What are you trying to do, make a bum out of me?
Ethel Mertz: Don't blame him. You were a bum before he was born.
Fred Mertz: Oh, yeah?
Ethel Mertz: Yeah!

"I Love Lucy: The Golf Game (#3.30)" (1954)
Lucy Ricardo: Come on, now, we're gonna go to the movies.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, it better be a good picture.
Lucy Ricardo: Marriage certainly does strange things to a man. This is the same man who used to say, "Who cares about the picture? Let's just sit in the balcony and smooch."
Ricky Ricardo: Never mind.
Ethel Mertz: I know just how you feel, Lucy.
Fred Mertz: Oh, now Ethel.
Ethel Mertz: It's true, Fred. It's been years since we sat in a movie with your arm around my waist.
Fred Mertz: It's been years since my arm reached around your waist.

"I Love Lucy: The Diner (#3.27)" (1954)
Ethel Mertz: Three!
Lucy Ricardo: Two!
Ethel Mertz: One! One cent hamburgers.
Fred Mertz: Ethel, are you out of your mind?
Ethel Mertz: Well I thought this could get'em.
Fred Mertz: One cent hamburgers.
Customer: [Gives Ethel one dollar] I'd like a 100 hamburgers.

"I Love Lucy: Fan Magazine Interview (#3.17)" (1954)
Fred Mertz: [comes in with his toolbox during breakfast] Ethel tells me your faucet's leakin'.
Lucy Ricardo: Well, you didn't have to rush over. I told her two years ago.
Fred Mertz: I had to make a stop on the way.

"I Love Lucy: New Neighbors (#1.21)" (1952)
Lucy Ricardo: 10 o' clock in the living room and all's well!
Ricky Ricardo: 10 o' clock in the bedroom and all is well!
Fred Mertz: 10 o' clock in the hallway and all's well!
Ethel Mertz: [muffled] 10 o' clock in the kitchen and all's well!
Lucy Ricardo: Kitchen inspector.
[Ethel comes out with a turkey leg]
Ethel Mertz: Yes sir?
Lucy Ricardo: Ethel, are you eating on duty?
Ethel Mertz: No sir.
Lucy Ricardo: What's that?
Ethel Mertz: Oh uh, well I'm not very good with a gun so I thought if anybody came in the back door I'd beat 'em to death.
Lucy Ricardo: I hope he gets here before you eat your club away.
Fred Mertz: [entering living room] Ho, hee, ho.
Lucy Ricardo: Fred, what're you doing away from your post?
Fred Mertz: I'm hungry! And I demand transfer to kitchen.
[Ricky enters]
Lucy Ricardo: What do you want?
Ricky Ricardo: I'm lonesome in there all by myself!

"I Love Lucy: Don Juan Is Shelved (#4.21)" (1955)
Fred Mertz: [everyone, except Ricky, sees an item in Variety announcing Ricky's picture has been shelved] Oh, this is awful. He hasn't even started yet, and already he's a has-been.
Lucy Ricardo: He isn't even a has-been, he's a never-was.
Fred Mertz: California, here we go. We might as well start packin'.
Mrs. McGillicuddy: I just got out here, and now I have to go back home without seeing anything.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, I haven't even seen Palm Springs.
Fred Mertz: I can beat that. I haven't even seen Lana Turner.

"I Love Lucy: Ricky's Movie Offer (#4.5)" (1954)
Ethel Mertz: [Fred is installing a new door-lock on the Ricardos' front door, but it doesn't stop Ethel] What happened?
Lucy Ricardo: You just broke through Fred's 'burglar-proof chain'.
Ethel Mertz: Fred, can't you ever do anything right?
Fred Mertz: [mocking Ethel in a high-pitched voice] Fred can't you ever do anything right? You're not supposed to come charging in there like a bull out of a chute.
Ethel Mertz: If you'd'a fixed it right, it wouldn't've pulled out.
Fred Mertz: With your weight, you could come through that wall without a door.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, keep quiet, or I'll sit on you.

"I Love Lucy: Home Movies (#3.20)" (1954)
Ethel Mertz: [getting ready to go over to the Ricardos' apartment] You better take your glasses with you.
Fred Mertz: What for? I know what Lucy and Ricky look like.
Ethel Mertz: Suppose Ricky wants to show us his home movies again?
Fred Mertz: He wouldn't dare. He's been showin' 'em to us every night.
Ethel Mertz: Well, after all, it's his first movie camera and the first pictures he's got of the baby.
Fred Mertz: Well, count me out. If I want to see old movies, I can stay home and watch television.
Ethel Mertz: Well, what can we do?
Fred Mertz: I'll tell you what we'll have to do. Don't let the conversation lag. Don't even give him a chance to suggest showin' the movies.
Ethel Mertz: Hey, that's a good idea.
Fred Mertz: Now just remember, here's what you've got to do: just keep talkin', and talkin', and talkin', and talkin'... you know, act normal.
[she glares at him, without a word]

"I Love Lucy: Paris at Last (#5.18)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: [on arrival in Paris] Lucy, I'm so excited I don't think I can stand it.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, honey, I feel the same way.
Fred Mertz: What a town! Hasn't changed a bit. Everything is exactly the same as it was in 1918.
Ethel Mertz: Present company excepted!

"I Love Lucy: Lucy and Ethel Buy the Same Dress (#3.3)" (1953)
Lucy Ricardo: We're gonna be on television.
Fred Mertz: Who is?
Ethel Mertz: Our Women's Club.
Fred Mertz: Well, that ought to bring back movies.

"I Love Lucy: Housewarming (#6.23)" (1957)
Fred Mertz: What do you mean, you want forty dollars for a lamp?
Ethel Mertz: Just what I said. We don't have a decent lamp to read by.
Fred Mertz: Listen, Ethel, if you want to read, you can read by firelight. If it was good enough for Abraham Lincoln, it's good enough for you.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, don't drag in your boyhood pals, Fred.

"I Love Lucy: Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her (#1.4)" (1951)
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy's acting crazy!
Fred Mertz: Crazy for Lucy or crazy for ordinary people?

"I Love Lucy: No Children Allowed (#2.22)" (1953)
Lucy Ricardo: [Fred succeeds in putting Little Ricky to sleep when everyone else has failed] How'd he do that?
Ethel Mertz: Beginner's luck.
Fred Mertz: Beginners luck nothin'. It's my phenomenal memory.
Ethel Mertz: Memory?
Fred Mertz: Yeah. It's not generally known, but I was a little bit of a baby boy myself once.
Ethel Mertz: You know, to look at him now, it's hard to believe he was ever a little baby anything!

"I Love Lucy: Too Many Crooks (#3.9)" (1953)
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, Fred, I didn't know you had a birthday coming up.
Ricky Ricardo: When is it, Fred?
Fred Mertz: Week from Thursday.
Lucy Ricardo: How old are you gonna be?
Fred Mertz: [changing the subject] D'ja hear about the big robbery last night?
Lucy Ricardo: Come on, Fred, don't be bashful, how old are you?
Fred Mertz: Well, now, I'll make a deal. I'll tell how old I am if you'll tell how old you are.
Lucy Ricardo: That was a big robbery we had last night, wasn't it!

"I Love Lucy: Bonus Bucks (#3.21)" (1954)
Fred Mertz: [in the newspaper office there is only one minute left to claim the Bonus Buck prize] Now, for the last time, will you give me half the money if I give you half the bill?
Newspaper Seller: For the last time, No!
Fred Mertz: Ahhhhh! Ethel, cancel our subscription.
Ethel Mertz: We don't take this paper.
Fred Mertz: Well, order a subscription and then cancel it!

"I Love Lucy: Lucy Hires a Maid (#2.23)" (1953)
Ricky Ricardo: You know what I was thinkin', Ethel?
Ethel Mertz: What?
Ricky Ricardo: I ought to get Lucy a maid.
Ethel Mertz: A maid? Oh, Ricky, that's wonderful.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, it's a big 'spense, but she can't go on this way.
Fred Mertz: So you're thinkin' of gettin' Lucy a maid, huh? Hey, that idea might be a good thing for us, too.
Ethel Mertz: Why, Fred, are you thinkin' of gettin' me a maid?
Fred Mertz: Nope, I'm thinkin' of hirin' you out to the Ricardos.

"I Love Lucy: Lucy Goes to Scotland (#5.17)" (1956)
Lucy Ricardo: [Fred and Ethel drop by after a Scottish show, and Fred is twirling a toy on a stick] What is that?
Fred Mertz: It's a dragon. I bought it to take home to Little Ricky. I thought it was somthin' different.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, it's different, all right.
Lucy Ricardo: Well, I have never seen anything like this before.
Fred Mertz: Really? Well, when I was a kid they had toy dragons.
Ethel Mertz: When you were a kid, they had real dragons!

"I Love Lucy: Oil Wells (#3.18)" (1954)
Ethel Mertz: [the Ricardos and Mertzes have just bought shares in some oil wells] Y'know, I think I'm gonna like being a millionaire.
Lucy Ricardo: Millionaire. Millionaire. You know, I've said it so often, it doesn't mean much any more.
Ethel Mertz: You know somethin'... we might even get to be billionaires.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, or even trillionaires.
Ethel Mertz: Or even zillionaires.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, or even... what comes after zillionaires?
Fred Mertz: The Income Tax Department.

"I Love Lucy: Ricky Needs an Agent (#4.29)" (1955)
Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy is worried about Ricky's movie career being stalled] The poor thing doesn't have time to think, he's so busy hopping from one publicity stunt to the other.
Fred Mertz: Where's Peter Rabbit now?
Lucy Ricardo: This you won't believe. He is out judging a mambo contest. He has to dance with one hundred young college girls. Can you think of anything worse than that?
Fred Mertz: Yeah, I can think of a couple-a things.

"I Love Lucy: Ricky's Contract (#4.9)" (1954)
Lucy Ricardo: [Fred's idea of leaving a phony note about Ricky's Hollywood job has backfired, and Ethel and Fred want Lucy to take the blame] Wait a minute. How come I get left holding the bag? I didn't do anything.
Fred Mertz: Well, that's life. Come on, Ethel.
[they start to leave]
Lucy Ricardo: All right, all right, I'll tell him.
Ethel Mertz: Really?
Lucy Ricardo: If you'll stay here and give me moral support... Of course, when I tell him, I'll be holding Little Ricky. He wouldn't dare hit a woman with a baby in her arms.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, that's a great idea.
Lucy Ricardo: I'll just say, 'Ricky, it's all a mistake, Dear. You didn't really get any call from Hollywood. Fred wrote the note, and Ethel accidentally left it here, and I innocently called you... '
Fred Mertz: Now, wait a minute. I'll stay on one condition.
Lucy Ricardo: What's that?
Fred Mertz: When you come to 'Fred wrote the note', you hand me the baby.

"I Love Lucy: Fred and Ethel Fight (#1.22)" (1952)
Fred Mertz: She said my mother looks like a weasel.
Lucy Ricardo: Ethel, apologize.
Ethel Mertz: I'm sorry your mother looks like a weasel.

"The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour: Lucy Goes to Alaska (#2.3)" (1959)
Ethel Mertz: Oh, now Rick. It's kind of cozy.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah. Be it ever so humble, there's no place like Nome.
[Lucy and Ethel laugh, but Ricky is not amused]
Ricky Ricardo: Things aren't bad enough, huh?
Ethel Mertz: [stops Fred from getting into the bed] Just a minute. We're going to do this democratically. We're going to draw to see who sleeps where.
Ricky Ricardo: That's right.
[picks up his hat and holds it up]
Lucy Ricardo: Me first. Me first.
Ricky Ricardo: Ah, ah, ah. No cheating.
Lucy Ricardo: My mother... told me... to chose... you.
[pulls out and reads piece of paper]
Lucy Ricardo: The HAMMOCK!
Ricky Ricardo: Don't blame me, blame your mother.
Ethel Mertz: I'll go last.
[Fred draws a paper from the hat]
Ethel Mertz: What'd you get, Fred. What'd you get?
Fred Mertz: [looking down at the sleeping bag on the floor] None of your business and get your big feet off my bed.

"I Love Lucy: The Black Eye (#2.20)" (1953)
Fred Mertz: [as Fred is coming in the Ricardos' front door, Ethel opens the kitchen door and it hits him] She slammed the door on my nose.
Ethel Mertz: I did not. He walked right into it.
Ricky Ricardo: Does it hurt much, Fred?
Fred Mertz: I wouldn't be surprised if it's broken. I may never smell again.
Ethel Mertz: Wanna bet?

"I Love Lucy: Lucy's Italian Movie (#5.23)" (1956)
[inside an Italian train with a cramped seat Fred's asleep]
Ethel Mertz: Fred, Fred, wake up sleeping beauty.
Lucy Ricardo: You couldn't wake him up with a stick of dynamite.
Ethel Mertz: Hey I got an idea
Ethel Mertz: Hey look there goes Gina Lollobrigida.
Fred Mertz: [gets up from his seat excited] Where? Where? Where?