Ethel Mertz
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Quotes for
Ethel Mertz (Character)
from "I Love Lucy" (1951)

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"I Love Lucy: Off to Florida (#6.6)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: What's she doing with a hatchet?
Lucy Ricardo: [imitating Edna] Oh didn't I tell you to bring a hatchet?

Radio announcer: And now for the latest bulletin in the Evelyn Holmby case. Police believe that Evelyn Holmby, famous gray haired hatchet murderess, who escaped from New York State Prison, Thursday, to be heading south in a cream colored convertible coupe. Now back to our regular program.
[Lucy turns off the radio]
Ethel Mertz: What'd you turn it off for?
Lucy Ricardo: Did you hear what he said?
Ethel Mertz: Yeah so what?
Lucy Ricardo: Which way are we heading?
Ethel Mertz: South.
Lucy Ricardo: Exactly. Gray haired, cream colored convertible.
Ethel Mertz: Oh Lucy, that's just a coincidence.
Lucy Ricardo: But think, it all fits. Likes to drive around in the dark, won't stop at motels, uses back roads. Just why do you suppose she uses back roads?
Ethel Mertz: She told us, to save time.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh sure, she uses back roads to avoid the police!
Ethel Mertz: Oh Lucy, the woman they're looking for is a hatchet murderess. She doesn't look like a...
Lucy Ricardo, Ethel Mertz: Hatchet!
Ethel Mertz: We're just jumping to conclusions. She brought the hatchet along to uh... to uh...
Lucy Ricardo: To what? Chop watercrest? Ethel that woman definitely has a criminal face. She's REALLY that Evelyn Holmby the police are looking for.
Ethel Mertz: No!
Lucy Ricardo: Yes! And we've got to make a break for it.

Mrs. Edna Grundy: I was just admiring your lovely red hair. Is it dyed?
Lucy Ricardo: Dyed?
Ethel Mertz: [suddenly waking up] WHO DIED?
Lucy Ricardo: My hair.

Ethel Mertz: [Ethel drops by and finds Lucy frantically searching the apartment] What's the matter?
Lucy Ricardo: Now, Ethel, don't get panicky.
[she keeps searching]
Lucy Ricardo: Now, Ethel, don't get panicky. I'll find them.
Ethel Mertz: Lucy, don't tell me you've lost our train tickets.
Lucy Ricardo: Don't get panicky, Ethel.
Lucy Ricardo: [she searches in the bedroom, then comes back to the living room] Ethel... get panicky.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, Lucy, of all the stupid things to do.
Lucy Ricardo: Ohhhh, if Ricky finds out about this, he'll kill me.
Ethel Mertz: Not this time he won't. I intend to do the job myself.

Ethel Mertz: [on the road to Florida, the car gets a flat tire] Who's gonna change the tire?
Mrs. Edna Grundy: Well, after all, I've been doing all the driving. I'm sure you two wouldn't mind changing a tire! You'll find everything you need in the trunk.
Ethel Mertz: I hope we find a mechanic back there.

Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy can't figure out how to remove the flat tire] ¡Mira que tiene cosa la como esta! ¡MIRA QUE TIENE COSA LA COMO ESTA!
Ethel Mertz: What are you doing that for?
Lucy Ricardo: That's what Ricky always does when he changes a tire.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Wants to Move to the Country (#6.15)" (1957)
Ethel Mertz: [Lucy, Fred and Ethel pose as gangsters working for 'The Brains' - i.e., Ricky - so they can get their house deposit back] Now The Brains'll have to find another house. He ain't gonna like this.
Fred Mertz: [pretending to be 'Fingers'] What do I care what he likes?
Lucy Ricardo: Watch out, or you'll step on The Brains' toes, Fingers.

Lucy Ricardo: [after a visit to Connecticut] Grace Munson is so sweet. Look what she gave me to bring home. Country butter.
Ethel Mertz: [she smells it] Oh, that's wonderful.
Lucy Ricardo: Grace made that herself. And look.
[she holds up a jar]
Ethel Mertz: Grape jelly!
Lucy Ricardo: From the grapes in their own arbors. Grace made that, too. And look at the size of these eggs.
Ethel Mertz: Now, don't tell me that Grace...

Fred Mertz: [Ethel is crying when Lucy comes into the room] Come on, Ethel, we'd better get out of here.
Lucy Ricardo: No, now wait a minute Fred, something's wrong. What is it, Ethel?
Ethel Mertz: Oh, Lucy, I know you're not gonna move, but if you ever do move, *don't move*!

Lucy Ricardo: [after Ricky puts down a deposit on a house in the country, Lucy changes her mind and doesn't want to leave Ethel and Fred] There must be some way to get that $500 back. Fred, you know about real estate and things. Isn't there some way that we can make Mr Spaulding give, um, give that deposit back?
Fred Mertz: Well, I don't know, unless you could fix it some way to make him think you're undesirable, and he didn't want you to have the house.
Lucy Ricardo: Hey, that's a good idea.
Fred Mertz: Yeah.
Lucy Ricardo: Now let's think. How can we do that?
Ethel Mertz: *We*? How did we get in on this?
Lucy Ricardo: Well, for heaven's sake, Ethel, you and Fred are the reason that I don't want to move. The least you can do is help me out of this fix.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, you're right. Let's see, now, how can we be undesirable?
Fred Mertz: That shouldn't be hard for you, Ethel.


"I Love Lucy: The Charm School (#3.15)" (1954)
Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy, dressed in a stunning, skin-tight evening gown prances into the room, showing off her new glamorous look] May I have a light, please? Thanks awfully, darling.
Ricky Ricardo: Who is that?
Fred Mertz: It looks like Lucy.
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy?
Lucy Ricardo: Yes, dah-ling?
Ricky Ricardo: It is Lucy.
Fred Mertz: Well, what do you know.
Lucy Ricardo: [Door buzzer sounds] That must be my dear friend, Ethel. Please Fred, I'll open the door.
Fred Mertz: Open it? I was going to LOCK it!
Lucy Ricardo: Oh my dear fellow. You have such a refreshing wit.
[Opens door]
Ethel Mertz: [Ethel strolls in, dressed in a tight leopard skin evening gown] I hope I didn't hold up the party.
Lucy Ricardo: Not at all, darling. Do come in.
Ricky Ricardo: [Can't believe his eyes regarding Ethel's transformation] Who's that?
Fred Mertz: Who's that? WHAT'S that?

Lucy Ricardo: [at Lucy's dinner party] See what I mean? Women in one room, men in the other.
Ethel Mertz: Well?
Lucy Ricardo: What do you mean, 'Well'. Why does it have to be that way? Why aren't we all in here, talking together? Give me one good reason.
Ethel Mertz: We're married.
Lucy Ricardo: Does that mean that we have to go to parties and separate, like the sheep from the goats?
Louann Hall: Well, we like talking about babies and clothes and recipes, and they like to talk about sports and politics. We're interested in different things.
Ethel Mertz: Sure. Just 'cause we're married to men doesn't mean we've got anything in common.

Lucy Ricardo: [reading from the newspaper] 'Phoebe Emerson Charm School. What is your C.Q?' That means Charm Quotient. 'Come in and let us give you a free analysis.' You and I are going down there, Ethel.
Ethel Mertz: We are? Oh, I don't think we...
Lucy Ricardo: Well, honey, we can't go wrong with a free analysis.
Ethel Mertz: That's right. Do you think they could make a glamor girl out of me?
Lucy Ricardo: Sure, it says right here, 'We work miracles.'

Phoebe Emerson: [Miss Emerson evaluates Ethel during the initial interview at the charm school] Your skin's not bad. Not bad at all.
Ethel Mertz: Thank you.
Phoebe Emerson: You're very well preserved. And your makeup is adequate.
Phoebe Emerson: [she then gives Lucy the once-over] Do you always use that color powder? Oh, I don't mean it the way it sounds, of course, it's just that here we strive for a fresh, natural look, and that powder gives you a weird, very unnatural look. You know what I mean, of course.
Lucy Ricardo: I'm not wearing powder.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Learns to Drive (#4.11)" (1955)
Ethel Mertz: [Ricky wanders away in a daze after he and Lucy return from her first driving lesson] What's the matter with him?
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, he got mad at me while I was driving through the Holland Tunnel.
Ethel Mertz: Ricky let you drive through the Holland Tunnel?
Lucy Ricardo: Well, he didn't mean to. I got caught in stream of traffic and I couldn't stop.
Ethel Mertz: But you drove all the way through the Holland Tunnel!
Lucy Ricardo: Halfway through.
Ethel Mertz: What do you mean, halfway?
Lucy Ricardo: Well, Ricky was late for rehearsal, and I saw an opportunity t'... How was I supposed to know there wasn't room to make a U-turn?
Ethel Mertz: [astonished] You made a U-turn in the Holland Tunnel? Oh, brother, that must-a been somethin'.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah. The policeman said the cars were backed up all the way to East Orange, New Jersey.

Lucy Ricardo: [after the cars get stuck together, Lucy gets into the driver's seat of the Cadillac] Do you think if I drove this car to the garage, that one would follow?
Ethel Mertz: Do you know how to drive this?
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, sure. I learned to drive in a car like this. Nothin' to it, see: this is the gear shift, and this is the brake, and this is the clutch. Or is this the brake, and this the clutch?
Ethel Mertz: Don't you know?
Lucy Ricardo: Well, I'll find out soon as I get goin', you know.
Ethel Mertz: How?
Lucy Ricardo: Well, if I step on the brake and it doesn't stop, it was the clutch.

Ethel Mertz: [Lucy wrecks the new Pontiac they're about to take to Hollywood, and explains the ordeal to Ethel] What are you gonna say to Ricky?
Lucy Ricardo: How 'bout, 'Goodbye'? No, Ethel, our only chance is to pretend complete innocence.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, we'll never get away with it.
Lucy Ricardo: Well, we better get away with it, or Ricky and Fred will be planting their footprints somewhere, and it won't be Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
Lucy Ricardo: [practising what she'll say when Ricky sees the cars] Ethel, I wonder how those two cars got that way?
Ethel Mertz: What cars?
[Lucy gives Ethel a congratulatory wink, and they go inside]


"I Love Lucy: Equal Rights (#3.4)" (1953)
Fred Mertz: Rick, did I ever tell you what happened to Ethel and me on our honeymoon?
Ricky Ricardo: [with a touch of sarcasm] Not lately.
Fred Mertz: Oh. Did I tell you, Lucy?
Lucy Ricardo: Yes.
Ethel Mertz: [Fred turns toward Ethel] I was there!

Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, you remember the musicians' picnic last Fourth of July?
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, what a day that was.
Ethel Mertz: What happened?
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, well, we...
Ricky Ricardo: I'll tell it, Dear. The musicians' local was having a picnic... and all the boys in the band wanted to go... We left about, eh, ten o'clock.
Lucy Ricardo: It was twelve o'clock.
Ricky Ricardo: No, Dear, it was ten o'clock.
Lucy Ricardo: No, Honey, it was twelve o'clock.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, what's the difference?
Fred Mertz: Two hours.

Lucy Ricardo: I don't know how you treat your women in Cuba, but this is the United States, and I have my rights.
Ricky Ricardo: I am not arguing about women's right. I am the first one to agree that women should have all the rights they want. As long as they stay in their place.
Fred Mertz: That's tellin' her.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, you're just as bad as he is, Fred. You men tell us that we have equal rights, but you certainly don't give us a chance to act like it.
Fred Mertz: [indignant] What do you want? You've got the vote, you wear pants, you drive buses, you wrestle, you go everyplace you please except the steam room in the YMCA.


"I Love Lucy: Ricky's Movie Offer (#4.5)" (1954)
Ethel Mertz: [Fred is installing a new door-lock on the Ricardos' front door, but it doesn't stop Ethel] What happened?
Lucy Ricardo: You just broke through Fred's 'burglar-proof chain'.
Ethel Mertz: Fred, can't you ever do anything right?
Fred Mertz: [mocking Ethel in a high-pitched voice] Fred can't you ever do anything right? You're not supposed to come charging in there like a bull out of a chute.
Ethel Mertz: If you'd'a fixed it right, it wouldn't've pulled out.
Fred Mertz: With your weight, you could come through that wall without a door.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, keep quiet, or I'll sit on you.

Lucy Ricardo: [a Hollywood talent scout is scheduled to come by to hear Ricky read for a movie role] This has been going on all morning.
Ethel Mertz: What has?
Lucy Ricardo: People calling up, and wanting to audition tonight.
Ethel Mertz: No kiddin'.
Lucy Ricardo: How did they find out?
Ethel Mertz: I don't know. I didn't tell anybody. Did you?
Lucy Ricardo: Certainly not. I didn't tell a soul, and they all promised to keep it a secret. Y'know, I never knew this neighborhood was so full of frustrated performers. At last I found out where Vaudeville went to die.

Lucy Ricardo: [just before an expected visit from a Hollywood talent scout, Lucy enters dressed as Marilyn Monroe to find the Mertzes dressed as a Spanish dance team] I thought we all agreed that you weren't going to do anything to ruin Ricky's chance.
Ethel Mertz: Well you're ruining it.
Lucy Ricardo: That's different. I'm his wife. I have a right to ruin it.


"I Love Lucy: Staten Island Ferry (#5.12)" (1956)
Lucy Ricardo: We're depending on you to be our guide in Germany. Have you been studying your German?
Fred Mertz: Jawohl, Fräulein.
Lucy Ricardo: Hey, that's wonderful.
Fred Mertz: Geben, uh, sie mie, uh, ein Stein Würzburger.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, great! What does that mean?
Ethel Mertz: What do you think it means? Gimme a glass of beer.
Lucy Ricardo: Is that all he's learned?
Ethel Mertz: Nope. He's learned how to order nine different kinds of beer. Oh, we're gonna have an interesting time in Germany.

Passport Clerk: [the clerk makes it clear he won't wait for Lucy to arrive to identify Ethel for her passport] This office closes at 5:00, if I have to eject you forcibly.
Ethel Mertz: You just try it. I'm a tax-paying citizen. I'll report you to Washington, and then you'll see how long you hold this job.
Passport Clerk: This is a civil-service job. If you want to get me fired, you'll have to wait 'til I die.

Fred Mertz: [seeing their passport pictures for the first time] Let me see yours, Hon. Hey, that's pretty good of you.
Ethel Mertz: That's you!
Fred Mertz: [Ethel and Lucy get their pictures, and scream together] Let me see that one of you. Hey, that looks more like me than the one of me does!
Ethel Mertz: You wanna trade?


"I Love Lucy: The Black Wig (#3.26)" (1954)
Ethel Mertz: [Lucy is furious that Ricky flirted with her in a black Italian-cut wig, pretending not to know her] It's a terrible thing to say about anybody, but I guess Ricky's just a man.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, well, I'll get even with him.
Ethel Mertz: What are you gonna do?
Lucy Ricardo: I'll leave him. No, that's probably what he wants.
Ethel Mertz: Yeah, stay married to him. That'll teach him!

Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy and Ethel, in disguises, arrive at Tony's restaurant to settle a score with Ricky and Fred] Oh, waiter. pardon me, please... We, uh, have an appointment with a couple of gentlemen. Have you seen them?
Waiter: What do they look like?
Lucy Ricardo: Well, uh, one is tall, dark and handsome and speaks with an accent, and the other is, um, uh, the other is, uh...
Ethel Mertz: There's only one way to say it: short, fat and bald.
Waiter: Oh, yeah, they were here.
Lucy Ricardo: *Were* here?
Waiter: [he points to his left] There were two young ladies sitting at that table. Beautiful! A blonde and a redhead. They got talking, then they all got up and, uh, left together.
Lucy Ricardo: [starts to cry] Oh, Ethel.
Ethel Mertz: [also crying] Oh, Lucy.
Lucy Ricardo: It's all our fault. If we hadn't made a date to meet 'em here, they wouldn't have met those other girls... You know what? I wish I was dead.
Ethel Mertz: You know what? I wish you was dead, too.


"I Love Lucy: Redecorating the Mertzes' Apartment (#3.8)" (1953)
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, Ethel, where have you been?
Ethel Mertz: Downtown.
Lucy Ricardo: [tired of Lucy's bragging, Ricky has forbidden Lucy to mention the mink stole he is buying her] Guess what! Ricky's giving me a mmmm... Ohhhh, I'm not allowed to say it... Ricky is giving me something. Something that every woman has always wanted from her husband.
Ethel Mertz: A divorce?

Ethel Mertz: Fred, Lucy and Ricky'll be here in a minute.
Fred Mertz: That's good.
Ethel Mertz: Well, go change.
Fred Mertz: Change?
Ethel Mertz: You don't expect to stay dressed like that, do you?
Fred Mertz: Well, from the tone of your voice, I guess I don't!


"I Love Lucy: Little Ricky's School Pageant (#6.10)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: Say, how 'bout playing some Bridge tonight?
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, sorry, honey, Ricky has to go to a fathers' meeting at school. And, say, the last time we played Bridge, you said you'd never want to play with me again. What happened?
Ethel Mertz: Our television set's broken.

Lucy Ricardo: [Little Ricky convinces Big Ricky to swallow his pride and be a hollow tree in the school pageant] Well, I guess he taught you a lesson. Just because you couldn't be the Big Cheese, you didn't want to play.
Ricky Ricardo: Don't you talk too much. Wait 'til you find out what they want you to do.
Lucy Ricardo: What?
Ricky Ricardo: You are going to be the Old Witch.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, a hollow tree and an Old Witch. That's funny, huh?
Ricky Ricardo: And don't you two laugh, either.
Ethel Mertz: What do you mean?
Ricky Ricardo: Well, all the parents are busy in the production and direction end of this extravaganza, so I told them that you two would be very happy to take a part.
Fred Mertz: Oh, no. What'd they pick out for me?
Ricky Ricardo: Oh, they got a dilly for you. You're gonna be a frog!
Ethel Mertz: Freddy the Frog. Oh, that's *really* funny!
Ricky Ricardo: And you, Ethel, are going to be the Fairy Princess.
Ethel Mertz: [suddenly feeling elegant] Ohhhh.
Fred Mertz: Well, if there's anything funnier than me being a frog, its you being a Fairy Princess!


"I Love Lucy: The Kleptomaniac (#1.27)" (1952)
Ethel Mertz: You sure weren't very smart throwing all those Roman candles and sky rockets into the fireplace.
Lucy Ricardo: Well who uses a fireplace in the middle of July? Besides he should've looked where he threw that match.

Ethel Mertz: [as gangsters] Get any of them?
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah two, a private eye and a flat foot, I got the eye in the foot and the foot in the eye.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Is a Matchmaker (#2.27)" (1953)
Lucy Ricardo: The men are intrigued by Sylvia because she's single. This makes her mysterious and exciting. We have to find Sylvia a husband... It's our only chance. Now, where can we find her a husband?
Ethel Mertz: I'll make the sacrifice. She can have mine.

Ricky Ricardo: [Lucy and Ethel arrange a date for traveling negligee salesman Eddie Grant, so he rewards them by leaving them in his hotel room to choose any negligee they want - wholesale. Ricky and Fred stop by, and catch Lucy trying on the garment] Lucy! You, here, dressed in that. You must be out of your mind!
Ethel Mertz: [from the next room] Who is it, Lucy? Did Eddie come back?
Fred Mertz: [she enters, also negligee-clad] Ethel! You, here, dressed in that. *He* must be out of his mind!


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Raises Chickens (#6.19)" (1957)
Ethel Mertz: [when Fred and Ethel stop by for a weekend visit, the conversation suddenly pauses while everyone notices that Ethel is shoveling in the food] What's the matter, haven't you ever seen me eat before?
Fred Mertz: I've never seen you do anything else.

Ricky Ricardo: [when Ricky comes home, he finds the living room floor covered with baby chicks, and the heat up to 90 degrees] Well, I'd like to think I got into the wrong house, but I know I din't.
Lucy Ricardo: No, you din't.
Ethel Mertz: Well, Rick, y'see, Lucy and I bought five hundred baby chicks.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, aren't they cute, Honey?
Ricky Ricardo: [impatiently] Adorable! But what are they doin' here?
Fred Mertz: Well, we had to bring 'em into the house because these two Dumb Doras didn't know that you have to keep baby chicks in brooders.
Ricky Ricardo: Why, anybody knows that you have to keep baby chicks in a brooder. What's a brooder?


"I Love Lucy: Lucy in the Swiss Alps (#5.21)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: Fred, I've got a confession to make to you.
Fred Mertz: What is it, Honeybunch?
Ethel Mertz: You remember when we were married, I said I was 18? I was 19.
Fred Mertz: I've got something to tell you, too. You were 24.

Lucy Ricardo: [taking in the view from the Mertz hotel room in Switzerland] Isn't that the greatest sight you've ever seen? Imagine having an Alp right outside your window.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, Lucy, it's all so beautiful it leaves me absolutely speechless.
Fred Mertz: Yeah, why'd you have to louse it up, Lucy. That's the first time she's stopped talking since we've been married.
Ethel Mertz: Ohhhhh, Fred, you haven't even looked out the window. Haven't you any appreciation for beauty?
Fred Mertz: What are you doin', Ethel, fishin' for insults?


"I Love Lucy: The Seance (#1.7)" (1951)
Ethel Mertz: Ethel to Tillie, Ethel to Tillie, come in Tillie!

Ethel Mertz: Good morning, Lucy.
Lucy Ricardo: [to Ricky] She's a woman.
Ricky Ricardo: I guess so.
Ethel Mertz: Well, thanks! Now that that's settled, how are ya, Three?
Lucy Ricardo: I'm fine, Seven.
Ricky Ricardo: [Groaning] Oh...
Lucy Ricardo: Five got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Gets Ricky on the Radio (#1.32)" (1952)
Lucy Ricardo: If Ricky had been on that show he would've won $300, $100 for every question.
Ethel Mertz: Gosh, three brand new clean, crisp, green, one hundred dollar bills.
Lucy Ricardo: Is that how you're seeing it? I'm picturing it as pennies and I'm running through them in my bare feet.

Ricky Ricardo: They taught American History in Cuba too.
Lucy Ricardo: Well apparently they taught you better. I do all I can to remember there's 46 states.
Ethel Mertz: 48.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh yeah, I must've forgotten Alaska and Hawaii.


"I Love Lucy: The Tour (#4.30)" (1955)
Lucy Ricardo: I'd just love a Richard Widmark grapefruit to go with my Robert Taylor orange.
Ethel Mertz: What a fruit salad that would make.

Ricky Ricardo: I want you to listen to me, and I want you to listen very carefully. If I as much as see your face in Romanoff, I'm going to wrap you up in brown paper and mail you back to New York. And that's an ultimatum!
[he slams the door behind him as he leaves for his lunch with Richard Widmark]
Lucy Ricardo: An ultimatum!
Ethel Mertz: Well, I'm not surprised.
Lucy Ricardo: I am. I didn't think he knew how to pronounce it.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy and the Loving Cup (#6.12)" (1957)
Ethel Mertz: [Lucy has a loving cup for Johnny Longden stuck on her head, and has to get to the Tropicana to give it to Longden shortly] Lucy, does heat make metal contract or expand?
Lucy Ricardo: Expand, I think. Why?
Ethel Mertz: That's it! We'll put your head in the oven!
Lucy Ricardo: Oh fine.
Ethel Mertz: Well, don't you like the idea?
Lucy Ricardo: It's great. Why don't you stick an apple in my mouth and barbecue me?

Ethel Mertz: Lucy, I have never ridden on a subway in my blue jeans, and I'm not gonna start now.


"I Love Lucy: Fan Magazine Interview (#3.17)" (1954)
Lucy Ricardo: [sobbing] I just found out that Ricky is seeing another wo... wo...
Ethel Mertz: Ricky's what?
Lucy Ricardo: Ricky is seeing another wo... wo...
Ethel Mertz: What does Ricky want to see another wo... wo... for?
Lucy Ricardo: Ricky is seeing another woman!

Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy suspects Ricky of philandering, and wants to confront the 'other woman'] I'm going down and see her, and have it out.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, now Lucy, you're being ridiculous.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, am I? If some woman was trying to take Fred away from you, you'd sing another tune.
Ethel Mertz: Yeah. "Happy Days are Here Again."


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Gets Homesick in Italy (#5.22)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: [on arrival in Florence] Fred, are you sure this is the right hotel?
Fred Mertz: Well, the sign said Hotel Grande.
Lucy Ricardo: Well, it is kind of picturesque.
Ethel Mertz: Why did you bring us to this picturesque dump?

Fred Mertz: [nobody in the run-down hotel answers when Fred rings at the desk] Where is everybody?
Ethel Mertz: Even the owner won't stay around this old trap.
Fred Mertz: Now just a minute. It may be a little old, but it's cheap.
Ethel Mertz: Well, that makes two of ya.


"I Love Lucy: The Freezer (#1.29)" (1952)
Lucy Ricardo: [panic sets in as Johnson's Meat Company delivers an unexpected 700 pounds of beef] Listen, there's been a mistake. You're gonna have to take most of this meat back.
Ethel Mertz: All but thirty pounds.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah.
Delivery Man: Sorry, ladies. Once a side of beef has been cut we're not allowed to bring it back.
Lucy Ricardo: Come on, Ethel, let's get busy.
Ethel Mertz: What are we gonna do?
Lucy Ricardo: We're gonna paste this animal back together again...
Delivery Man: Look, ladies, even if you defrosted it, pasted it together and taught it to walk, I couldn't take it back.

Ethel Mertz: [after mistakenly ordering 700 pounds of beef, Lucy and Ethel stash it all in their basement freezer] Well, Lucy, we did it. It's all in there.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah. Now we've just gotta explain all this meat to Ricky and Fred.
Ethel Mertz: Yeah.
Lucy Ricardo: You don't suppose they'd believe that a cow wandered in there and fell apart...


"The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour: Lucy Wins a Race Horse (#1.4)" (1958)
Ricky Ricardo: [hears Whirling Jet] What was that?
Lucy Ricardo: What was what?
Ricky Ricardo: It sounded like a horse.
Lucy Ricardo: A horse?
Ethel Mertz: That was me.
[nays like a horse]
Fred Mertz: That's right, Rick, she eats like a horse so much she's commenced to sound like one.

Ricky Ricardo: [hears Whirling Jet] What was that?
Lucy Ricardo: What was what?
Ricky Ricardo: It sounded like a horse.
Lucy Ricardo: A horse?
Ethel Mertz: That was me.
[neighs like a horse]
Fred Mertz: That's right, Rick, she eats like a horse so much she's commenced to sound like one.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy and Ethel Buy the Same Dress (#3.3)" (1953)
Lucy Ricardo: Now, I would like to talk about the club's yearly show. I think that we should schedule it for some time next week.
Ethel Mertz: Next week?
Marion Strong: But it's so close to the bazaar.
Clubwoman: Well, it's only three months since we had our last yearly show.
Lucy Ricardo: Yes, I know. Now, if you'll all be quiet, I'll have Caroline tell you the wonderful reason. Caroline?
Caroline Appleby: Well, as you all know, my husband is the manager of a television station, and last night we were talking, and he just happened to mention that there was one half hour of time that they hadn't been able to sell. So I said to him, "Charlie, how about letting our Women's Club put on a show during that half hour?" And he said... well, never mind what he said. Well, anyway, after I talked to him for awhile, he finally agreed that our Club could have the time.
Lucy Ricardo: [chatter of delight and approval from everyone] Girls, girls, girls, let's be businesslike about this, now. What time did he agree to give us, Caroline?
Caroline Appleby: Uh, next Monday, from twelve to twelve-thirty.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, that's a fine time. That's right in the middle of the day when everybody's home.
Caroline Appleby: Yeah, well, everybody's home all right, but it's not the middle of the day. It's twelve midnight.

Lucy Ricardo: We're gonna be on television.
Fred Mertz: Who is?
Ethel Mertz: Our Women's Club.
Fred Mertz: Well, that ought to bring back movies.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her (#1.4)" (1951)
Ethel Mertz: What's the matter?
Lucy Ricardo: You're looking at a future doornail.
Ethel Mertz: Huh?
Lucy Ricardo: Ricky just tried to kill me.
Ethel Mertz: [smiling] Really? Then I'm a better fortune teller than I thought!
[pauses]
Ethel Mertz: What am I saying? What are you talking about?
Lucy Ricardo: I overheard him on the phone! He's been planning this a long time, and he finally decided to do it! Last night was just a dress rehearsal.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, no, Lucy, you must have just misunderstood him.
Lucy Ricardo: No, I didn't, he took a shot at me already, but he missed!
Ethel Mertz: [They look for a bullet hole] Was that the noise I heard just now?
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, he bought a gun specially for it. Let's see if it's in that desk!
Ethel Mertz: [Lucy finds a gun in the desk] Oh, you poor thing!
Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy picks up an ink blotter] Ricky wrote something when he was talking on the phone and he blotted it on this blotter!
Ethel Mertz: [Moves away from the desk] Where are you going?
Lucy Ricardo: The mirror!
Ethel Mertz: Mirror? Oh, so you can read it! My, you're clever!
Lucy Ricardo: I don't read mystery books for nothing.
Ethel Mertz: [Reading the list] Helen, Anne, Mary... What does it mean?
Lucy Ricardo: [Wailing] I'm not even cold yet and Ricky's lining up girls to take my place! Helen, Anne, Mary, Cynthia, Alice, Theodore.
[Turns to Ethel]
Lucy Ricardo: THEODORE!

Lucy Ricardo: [thinks Ricky poisoned her] How long have I got?
Ethel Mertz: [looks in her eyes] Not long.
Lucy Ricardo: Well I've got enough time for what I'm going to do.
[gets up and grabs Ricky's gun]
Ethel Mertz: Lucy, what're you going to do?
Lucy Ricardo: I'm going down to the club to finish Ricky off. If I can't have him, nobody else will. I'm going to use the same gun he was going to use on me.


"The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour: The Ricardos Go to Japan (#3.2)" (1959)
Ethel Mertz: Old Japanese custom: when geisha girl like gentleman, she tap him with fan.

Ethel Mertz: [Lucy and Ethel are disguised as Geisha girls to spy on Ricky and Fred] Lucy, How are Geisha girls supposed to act?
Lucy Ricardo: Charming, sweet, gay.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, I gave that up when I got married!


"I Love Lucy: The Operetta (#2.5)" (1952)
Lucy Ricardo: [in charge of operetta to benefit the club she and Ethel are in, which doesn't know that there is no money in its account because Lucy has been borrowing from it] Well, we could save money by writing the operetta ourselves.
Ethel Mertz: We? Who's we?
Lucy Ricardo: We is Ethel Romberg and Lucy Friml, that's who we is.

Lucy Ricardo: First of all, we'll save the royalty charge - That's $100 - if we write the opera
Ethel Mertz: Wait a minute. Who's 'We'?
Lucy Ricardo: 'We' is Ethel Romberg and Lucy Friml.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Meets the Queen (#5.15)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: Imagine me meeting a Queen face to face, I'm scared.
Fred Mertz: You're scared? Think of the Queen!

Fred Mertz: [seing their London hotel rooms for the first time] I say, old bean, ain't this the nuts?
Ethel Mertz: [bursting at the seams] What a city this is!
Ricky Ricardo: How's your room?
Fred Mertz: It's great. Just like this, same view and everything.
Ethel Mertz: Ehhhh, one thing stumped him, though... He didn't know how much to tip the bellhop.
Fred Mertz: I didn't know whether to give him tuppence or threepence.
[he uses the common pronunciation 'thruppence']
Ricky Ricardo: Fred, threepence is only about three cents.
Ethel Mertz: Well, he solved it rather neatly.
Lucy Ricardo: What'd he give him?
Ethel Mertz: Nuppence!... Fred is now the darling of the bellhops on two different continents!


"I Love Lucy: No Children Allowed (#2.22)" (1953)
Ethel Mertz: How are you, Mrs Trumbull?
Mrs. Trumbull: As well as could be expected after two hours sleep.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, I'm sorry about that Mrs Trumbull. The baby was a little fussy. He won't annoy you again.
Mrs. Trumbull: No, I'm sure of that. Perhaps you'll recall this piece of paper, Mrs Mertz.
Ethel Mertz: Your lease?
Mrs. Trumbull: Yes.
Mrs. Trumbull: [she reads aloud] "It is expressly understood that at no time will children be allowed to live in said building."
Ethel Mertz: Little Ricky!
Lucy Ricardo: He's a children!
Mrs. Trumbull: Since it says, "No children" in plain English, what excuse is there for Mrs Ricardo's baby?
Ethel Mertz: Uhhhh, ahhh...
Lucy Ricardo: He can't read.
[Lucy and Ethel laugh nervously; Mrs Trumbull is not amused]

Lucy Ricardo: [Fred succeeds in putting Little Ricky to sleep when everyone else has failed] How'd he do that?
Ethel Mertz: Beginner's luck.
Fred Mertz: Beginners luck nothin'. It's my phenomenal memory.
Ethel Mertz: Memory?
Fred Mertz: Yeah. It's not generally known, but I was a little bit of a baby boy myself once.
Ethel Mertz: You know, to look at him now, it's hard to believe he was ever a little baby anything!


"I Love Lucy: Building a Bar-B-Q (#6.24)" (1957)
Lucy Ricardo: [Ethel reluctantly agrees to help Lucy rebuild their brick-and-cement Bar-B-Q in the middle of the night] Oh, gee, Ethel, thanks. It's times like this when you know what friends are for.
Ethel Mertz: If I had known this is what friends are for, I'd have signed up as an enemy.


"I Love Lucy: In Palm Springs (#4.26)" (1955)
Lucy Ricardo: [in Palm Springs] I wish we hadn't come on this trip at all. I miss Ricky.
Ethel Mertz: I can top that: I miss Fred.


"I Love Lucy: First Stop (#4.13)" (1955)
Ethel Mertz: [while everyone else is asleep, Lucy drives in a circle back to the run-down motel they earlier had decided to leave] Oh, we're not back in the same place!
Lucy Ricardo: We are, unless there's a chain of these across the country.
Fred Mertz: Oh, no.
Ethel Mertz: Lucy!
Lucy Ricardo: Well, I was only trying to help. I saw a sign that said, 'Good accomodations, good food', and an arrow saying 'Take this road', and somehow I wound up back here.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, as long as we're here, we're in no condition to continue. We'll stay right here.
Ethel Mertz: Here?
Fred Mertz: In Lower Slobovia?


"I Love Lucy: The Quiz Show (#1.5)" (1951)
Ricky Ricardo: Now, Mrs. Ricardo, if you don't mind, I think that I am entitled to a little bit of an explanation of WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!
Lucy Ricardo: Uh, Ethel would you excuse us? I have a little explaining to do to Ricky.
Ethel Mertz: You sure have, dear. Good night!
[Ethel runs off]
Lucy Ricardo: Now, now, Ricky, sit down, dear. Sit down. Oh, wait till you hear!
[Chuckling nervously]
Lucy Ricardo: It's so funny, and it's so simple.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, what is it?
Lucy Ricardo: Well, you know this morning, when we had that discussion about money? Well, Ethel and I -
[the doorbell rings]
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, I'll get it.
Ricky Ricardo: No, no, *I'll* get it.
[Ricky opens the door]
Arnold - The First Husband: Is this the Ricardo residence?
Ricky Ricardo: Yes?
Arnold - The First Husband: [He walks over to Lucy and puts his arm around her] Darling! Don't you recognise me? It's Arnold!
Ricky Ricardo: Well!
Lucy Ricardo: [Wide eyed and in shock] Ricky, I want you to meet my second first husband!


"I Love Lucy: Ethel's Birthday (#4.8)" (1954)
Ethel Mertz: She said I looked like a hippopatamus.
Lucy Ricardo: I merely intimated that she was a little hippy but on second glance she does have the biggest potamus I've ever seen.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Has Her Eyes Examined (#3.11)" (1953)
Ethel Mertz: Lucy, have you seen Fred?
Lucy Ricardo: No, honey, I haven't...
Fred Mertz: [Fred comes in the other door] Hey, Lucy, have you seen Ethel?
Ethel Mertz: Oh, there you are.
Fred Mertz: Oh, there *you* are. Where have you been?
Ethel Mertz: I've been lookin' for you. Where have you been?
Fred Mertz: I've been lookin' for you. Where have *you* been?
Ethel Mertz: I've been lookin'...
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, now, wait a minute. You found each other. Now go on from there.
Fred Mertz: What d'you want?
Ethel Mertz: I wanted to tell you to be sure and sandpaper that new banister you put in, before some idiot runs his hand down it and picks up a splinter. What'd you want?
Fred Mertz: I was wonderin' if you'd help me get this splinter out of my hand.


"I Love Lucy: The Diet (#1.3)" (1951)
Ethel Mertz: What if I cried every time I put on a pound?
Fred Mertz: We'd be up to our ears in tears.


"I Love Lucy: Drafted (#1.11)" (1951)
Ethel Mertz: Fred just told me he's going with Ricky, Monday!
Lucy Ricardo: What?
Ethel Mertz: Wouldn't tell me where, bless his fat little heart!
Lucy Ricardo: You mean he's been drafted?
Ethel Mertz: No! They're not that hard up! He must have enlisted.


"I Love Lucy: The Ricardos Visit Cuba (#6.9)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: Oh, just think. You'll be visiting your relatives in a foreign land. Sometimes I wish I had married a Cuban.
Fred Mertz: That makes two of us!


"I Love Lucy: The Passports (#5.11)" (1955)
Ricky Ricardo: Hi, everybody... I got the boat tickets... Now all we gotta do tomorrow is get our pasaports.
Lucy Ricardo: [gently mocking Ricky's pronunciation] Yeah, that's all we gotta do now is get our pasaports.
Ethel Mertz: Europe, here we come.
Fred Mertz: Look out, mademoiselle from Armentières!
Ricky Ricardo: Honey, did you get my naturalization papers?
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, I got 'em out of the safe deposit box this morning.
Ricky Ricardo: How 'bout your birthatificate?
Lucy Ricardo: I wired the Jamestown Hall of Records, and they'll send it to me.
Ricky Ricardo: Good.
Fred Mertz: I got mine.
Ricky Ricardo: Ethel?
Ethel Mertz: Yep. I had to hunt for it, but I finally found it.
[she pulls out a piece of paper]
Fred Mertz: Show it to 'em, Honey.
Ethel Mertz: No.
Lucy Ricardo: She doesn't want us to see the year
Fred Mertz: Put your finger over the year. I thought they might like to see what Lincoln's signature looks like.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy and the Dummy (#5.3)" (1955)
Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy shows Ethel and Fred how she plans to dance with a dummy of Ricky at the studio club party] What do you think? You think it'll work?
Ethel Mertz: Think what'll work?
Lucy Ricardo: Well, my dance for the studio club. D'you think they'll know it's a dummy?
Fred Mertz: Nobody but the audience.


"I Love Lucy: Mr. and Mrs. T.V. Show (#4.24)" (1954)
Lucy Ricardo: You know what they say: Behind every great man, there's a great woman.
Ethel Mertz: Is that what they say?
Lucy Ricardo: Yes. Empress Josephine, Dolly Madison, Mamie Eisenhower, we're all back there.
Ethel Mertz: Well, if it gets dull back there, you can always start a Bridge game.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, Ethel, we're all behind our husbands, guiding their destinies. We're puppeteers behind the scenes, pulling the strings.
Ethel Mertz: [Ricky walks in] Well, here's Howdy Doody now.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Is Jealous of Girl Singer (#1.10)" (1951)
Ethel Mertz: Well, I must say you're taking it calmly.
Lucy Ricardo: Now it comes. What's on your mind, Ethel?
Ethel Mertz: Look, honey, you don't have to pretend with me. I come to you this morning not just as a landlady, not just as a friend, but as a shoulder upon which to weep in this time of crisis.
Lucy Ricardo: Well, I think you've been twisting those curlers too tight.


"I Love Lucy: The Adagio (#1.12)" (1951)
Ethel Mertz: I'm sorry, Fred, but I'm about to dethrone you as King of the apache dancers.
Fred Mertz: You're a little late, I've just abdicated.


"The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour: Lucy Wants a Career (#2.4)" (1959)
Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy decides she wants to get a job, so she consults the want-ads] Hey, here's something: 'Broadway producers looking for experienced dancers up to the age of twenty-five.'
Ethel Mertz: So?
Lucy Ricardo: I've had years of experience.
Ethel Mertz: They mean dancing, not years of experience being twenty-five.


"I Love Lucy: The Fur Coat (#1.9)" (1951)
Fred Mertz: [Fred and Ethel think Ricky has bought Lucy a mink coat] What are you trying to do, make a bum out of me?
Ethel Mertz: Don't blame him. You were a bum before he was born.
Fred Mertz: Oh, yeah?
Ethel Mertz: Yeah!


"I Love Lucy: The Golf Game (#3.30)" (1954)
Lucy Ricardo: Come on, now, we're gonna go to the movies.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, it better be a good picture.
Lucy Ricardo: Marriage certainly does strange things to a man. This is the same man who used to say, "Who cares about the picture? Let's just sit in the balcony and smooch."
Ricky Ricardo: Never mind.
Ethel Mertz: I know just how you feel, Lucy.
Fred Mertz: Oh, now Ethel.
Ethel Mertz: It's true, Fred. It's been years since we sat in a movie with your arm around my waist.
Fred Mertz: It's been years since my arm reached around your waist.


"I Love Lucy: The Diner (#3.27)" (1954)
Ethel Mertz: Three!
Lucy Ricardo: Two!
Ethel Mertz: One! One cent hamburgers.
Fred Mertz: Ethel, are you out of your mind?
Ethel Mertz: Well I thought this could get'em.
Fred Mertz: One cent hamburgers.
Customer: [Gives Ethel one dollar] I'd like a 100 hamburgers.


"I Love Lucy: New Neighbors (#1.21)" (1952)
Lucy Ricardo: 10 o' clock in the living room and all's well!
Ricky Ricardo: 10 o' clock in the bedroom and all is well!
Fred Mertz: 10 o' clock in the hallway and all's well!
Ethel Mertz: [muffled] 10 o' clock in the kitchen and all's well!
Lucy Ricardo: Kitchen inspector.
[Ethel comes out with a turkey leg]
Ethel Mertz: Yes sir?
Lucy Ricardo: Ethel, are you eating on duty?
Ethel Mertz: No sir.
Lucy Ricardo: What's that?
Ethel Mertz: Oh uh, well I'm not very good with a gun so I thought if anybody came in the back door I'd beat 'em to death.
Lucy Ricardo: I hope he gets here before you eat your club away.
Fred Mertz: [entering living room] Ho, hee, ho.
Lucy Ricardo: Fred, what're you doing away from your post?
Fred Mertz: I'm hungry! And I demand transfer to kitchen.
[Ricky enters]
Lucy Ricardo: What do you want?
Ricky Ricardo: I'm lonesome in there all by myself!


"I Love Lucy: Don Juan Is Shelved (#4.21)" (1955)
Fred Mertz: [everyone, except Ricky, sees an item in Variety announcing Ricky's picture has been shelved] Oh, this is awful. He hasn't even started yet, and already he's a has-been.
Lucy Ricardo: He isn't even a has-been, he's a never-was.
Fred Mertz: California, here we go. We might as well start packin'.
Mrs. McGillicuddy: I just got out here, and now I have to go back home without seeing anything.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, I haven't even seen Palm Springs.
Fred Mertz: I can beat that. I haven't even seen Lana Turner.


"I Love Lucy: Home Movies (#3.20)" (1954)
Ethel Mertz: [getting ready to go over to the Ricardos' apartment] You better take your glasses with you.
Fred Mertz: What for? I know what Lucy and Ricky look like.
Ethel Mertz: Suppose Ricky wants to show us his home movies again?
Fred Mertz: He wouldn't dare. He's been showin' 'em to us every night.
Ethel Mertz: Well, after all, it's his first movie camera and the first pictures he's got of the baby.
Fred Mertz: Well, count me out. If I want to see old movies, I can stay home and watch television.
Ethel Mertz: Well, what can we do?
Fred Mertz: I'll tell you what we'll have to do. Don't let the conversation lag. Don't even give him a chance to suggest showin' the movies.
Ethel Mertz: Hey, that's a good idea.
Fred Mertz: Now just remember, here's what you've got to do: just keep talkin', and talkin', and talkin', and talkin'... you know, act normal.
[she glares at him, without a word]


"I Love Lucy: Paris at Last (#5.18)" (1956)
Ethel Mertz: [on arrival in Paris] Lucy, I'm so excited I don't think I can stand it.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, honey, I feel the same way.
Fred Mertz: What a town! Hasn't changed a bit. Everything is exactly the same as it was in 1918.
Ethel Mertz: Present company excepted!


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Tells the Truth (#3.6)" (1953)
Lucy Ricardo: You think you know all there is to know about me, don't you? Remind me some time to tell you about my experience in musical comedy. Come on, Ethel, let's get some coffee.
Ricky Ricardo: Hey, just a minute. You were in musical comedy?
Lucy Ricardo: It was before I met you, Dear. Come on, Ethel.
Ricky Ricardo: Now wait. wait a minute. This is very interestin'. What was the name of the musical comedy?
Ethel Mertz: Oh, leave her alone, Ricky. She's just exaggerating, as usual.
Lucy Ricardo: [righteously indignant] I am not.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, what was the name of the musical comedy?
Lucy Ricardo: Oklahoma!
All together: [amazed] Oklahoma?
Lucy Ricardo: Oklahoma! And I was the star, too.
Ethel Mertz: Yeah? What was your maiden name, Alfred Drake?
Lucy Ricardo: [backpedaling] Well, maybe I wasn't exactly a star, but would you believe I was a featured player? Chorus girl? Ticket taker?
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, why don't you tell the truth. You know that you were never in Oklahoma!
Lucy Ricardo: I was too. I spent two weeks in Tulsa once.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Hires an English Tutor (#2.13)" (1952)
Percy Livermore: When I tippy tippy toe through my garden, Where all the pretty flowers dwell, There's a rare perfume in my garden And I just love to stand there and smell. And as I tippy tippy toe along, All the pretty flowers seem to sing this song.
Ricky Ricardo: Derry down pip pip
Lucy Ricardo: Dilly dilly day
Ethel Mertz: Hey nonny nonny
Fred Mertz: Rippity pippity yay
Fred Mertz: Derry down ding dong
Ethel Mertz: Dilly dilly do
Lucy Ricardo: Hey nonny nonny
Ricky Ricardo: Rippity pippity poo


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Writes a Play (#1.17)" (1952)
Ricky Ricardo: [Ethel enters in a flowing black outfit bedecked with veils and gaudy jewelry] Who are you supposed to be?
Lucy Ricardo: Well, what do you think?
Ricky Ricardo: The Bride of Frankenstein?
Ethel Mertz: Well!
Lucy Ricardo: She's a Spanish senora.
Ricky Ricardo: She suffers in the translation.


"I Love Lucy: Housewarming (#6.23)" (1957)
Fred Mertz: What do you mean, you want forty dollars for a lamp?
Ethel Mertz: Just what I said. We don't have a decent lamp to read by.
Fred Mertz: Listen, Ethel, if you want to read, you can read by firelight. If it was good enough for Abraham Lincoln, it's good enough for you.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, don't drag in your boyhood pals, Fred.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Is Enceinte (#2.10)" (1952)
Ethel Mertz: [Enters happily] I saw Ricky leaving; that didn't take too long. What'd he say?
Lucy Ricardo: [Sadly] Nothing. I haven't told him yet...
Ethel Mertz: You *didn't*? Why not?
Lucy Ricardo: Because I kept being interrupted by... telephones and sandwiches and...
[Looks at Ethel]
Lucy Ricardo: certain busy-bodies.
Ethel Mertz: [Crosses her arms] Well, thanks...
Lucy Ricardo: I'm sorry.
[Looks down]
Lucy Ricardo: I guess I didn't mean that...
Ethel Mertz: [Smiles] Oh, that's alright. You're bound to be cranky in your condition.
Lucy Ricardo: [Quickly looks at Ethel] I AM *NOT* CRANKY!
Ethel Mertz: [Smiles and nods] Sure.


"I Love Lucy: Ricky Sells the Car (#5.4)" (1955)
Ethel: Common sense has nothing to do with it. When I say he's wrong, he's wrong.


"I Love Lucy: The Ricardos Change Apartments (#2.26)" (1953)
Ricky Ricardo: [Lucy has suggested moving to a larger apartment] Now, look, honey, I know it's crowded here, and I would love to move just as much as you would, but we can't afford it.
Lucy Ricardo: Can't afford it, can't afford it. That's all you ever say any more.
Ricky Ricardo: [with emphasis] Well, we can't afford it!
Lucy Ricardo: There you go again.
Ricky Ricardo: [later, Lucy and Ethel hatch a plan to switch apartments with the Bensons, who don't need their large apartment any more, but Ricky won't budge] I won' swish aparments. Did you understand what I said? All right, what did I say?
Lucy Ricardo: [mocking his accent] You won' swish aparments. But why?
Ricky Ricardo: Look, the Bensons' apartment is larger than this apartment, therefore it must cost more than this apartment.
Ethel Mertz: Twenty dollars a month more.
Ricky Ricardo: You see? Now, there you are. Now, I told you, I would love to move just as much as you would, but we can't afford it.
Lucy Ricardo: I know, I know. Those must be the first English words you ever learned.
Ethel Mertz: Ricky, I know this isn't any of my business, but, uh, Lucy is awful crowded here, and, well, you know there is that extra room downstairs in that apartment...
Lucy Ricardo: [scheming] Ethel, Ethel, never mind, Ricky is right. After all, Ricky is my husband, he's Little Ricky's father, and I respect his judgment. In all the years that we've been married, I've never know him to be anything but generous, and kind-hearted, and wonderful. Kiss me?
Ricky Ricardo: I can't afford it.


"I Love Lucy: The Matchmaker (#4.4)" (1954)
Lucy Ricardo: I have a plan. We are going to show Sam what it's like to be married. First, I'm going to serve a delicious, home-cooked meal, and then we'll all tiptoe in and take a look at the baby sleeping peacefully in his little crib, and then we'll all come out here and sit around a big fire and listen to romantic music.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, that'll be nice... When are you gonna show him what it's like to be married?


"I Love Lucy: Little Ricky Gets a Dog (#6.14)" (1957)
Ethel Mertz: I'm goin' over to the market, honey. You need anything?
Lucy Ricardo: [feeding Little Ricky's pets] Well, not for us, but Alice and Phil could use some bird seed, and Tommy and Jimmy could use some turtle food, and Mildred and Charles could use some fish food.
Ethel Mertz: Wouldn't it be easier if they just ate each other?


"I Love Lucy: The Girls Want to Go to the Nightclub (#1.1)" (1951)
[Lucy and Ethel come out from the kitchen; Ricky and Fred stand up]
Lucy Ricardo: What's the matter? What are you standing up for?
Ricky Ricardo: Because two gorgeous ladies entered the room.
Lucy Ricardo: They did? Where?
Ethel Mertz: They mean us.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh! You great big latin lover you!
[she pinches Ricky's cheek]
Ethel Mertz: Oh! You sweet, handsome man you!
[she pinches Fred's cheek]
Ricky Ricardo: You gorgeous, exciting, woman you!
[he pinches Lucy's cheek]
Fred Mertz: I pass.


"I Love Lucy: Bonus Bucks (#3.21)" (1954)
Fred Mertz: [in the newspaper office there is only one minute left to claim the Bonus Buck prize] Now, for the last time, will you give me half the money if I give you half the bill?
Newspaper Seller: For the last time, No!
Fred Mertz: Ahhhhh! Ethel, cancel our subscription.
Ethel Mertz: We don't take this paper.
Fred Mertz: Well, order a subscription and then cancel it!


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Hires a Maid (#2.23)" (1953)
Ricky Ricardo: You know what I was thinkin', Ethel?
Ethel Mertz: What?
Ricky Ricardo: I ought to get Lucy a maid.
Ethel Mertz: A maid? Oh, Ricky, that's wonderful.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, it's a big 'spense, but she can't go on this way.
Fred Mertz: So you're thinkin' of gettin' Lucy a maid, huh? Hey, that idea might be a good thing for us, too.
Ethel Mertz: Why, Fred, are you thinkin' of gettin' me a maid?
Fred Mertz: Nope, I'm thinkin' of hirin' you out to the Ricardos.


"I Love Lucy: Lucy Goes to Scotland (#5.17)" (1956)
Lucy Ricardo: [Fred and Ethel drop by after a Scottish show, and Fred is twirling a toy on a stick] What is that?
Fred Mertz: It's a dragon. I bought it to take home to Little Ricky. I thought it was somthin' different.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, it's different, all right.
Lucy Ricardo: Well, I have never seen anything like this before.
Fred Mertz: Really? Well, when I was a kid they had toy dragons.
Ethel Mertz: When you were a kid, they had real dragons!


"I Love Lucy: Oil Wells (#3.18)" (1954)
Ethel Mertz: [the Ricardos and Mertzes have just bought shares in some oil wells] Y'know, I think I'm gonna like being a millionaire.
Lucy Ricardo: Millionaire. Millionaire. You know, I've said it so often, it doesn't mean much any more.
Ethel Mertz: You know somethin'... we might even get to be billionaires.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, or even trillionaires.
Ethel Mertz: Or even zillionaires.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, or even... what comes after zillionaires?
Fred Mertz: The Income Tax Department.


"I Love Lucy: The Club Election (#2.19)" (1953)
Ricky Ricardo: Anything special on your mind?
Ethel Mertz: Yeah. I came up to tell Lucy that the Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League is meeting on Friday this week.
Ricky Ricardo: The Wednesday Afternoon Fine Art Leagues is meeting on Friday.
[Yes, he says, 'Fine Art Leagues']
Ethel Mertz: Yeah.
Ricky Ricardo: I thought you always met on Thursday.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, no. We never met on Thursday. We usually meet on Tuesday.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, look, this is probably a very stupid question, but, eh, why couldn't the Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League meet on Wednesday?
Ethel Mertz: Oh, we tried it, but nobody could make it. Wednesday afternoon isn't a good day for club meetings.


"I Love Lucy: The Camping Trip (#2.29)" (1953)
Ethel Mertz: I'm not gonna do it!
Lucy Ricardo: You haven't even heard my idea!
Ethel Mertz: You thought it up. That's enough for me.


"I Love Lucy: Ricky's Contract (#4.9)" (1954)
Lucy Ricardo: [Fred's idea of leaving a phony note about Ricky's Hollywood job has backfired, and Ethel and Fred want Lucy to take the blame] Wait a minute. How come I get left holding the bag? I didn't do anything.
Fred Mertz: Well, that's life. Come on, Ethel.
[they start to leave]
Lucy Ricardo: All right, all right, I'll tell him.
Ethel Mertz: Really?
Lucy Ricardo: If you'll stay here and give me moral support... Of course, when I tell him, I'll be holding Little Ricky. He wouldn't dare hit a woman with a baby in her arms.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, that's a great idea.
Lucy Ricardo: I'll just say, 'Ricky, it's all a mistake, Dear. You didn't really get any call from Hollywood. Fred wrote the note, and Ethel accidentally left it here, and I innocently called you... '
Fred Mertz: Now, wait a minute. I'll stay on one condition.
Lucy Ricardo: What's that?
Fred Mertz: When you come to 'Fred wrote the note', you hand me the baby.


"I Love Lucy: Ricky's European Booking (#5.10)" (1955)
Lucy Ricardo: Give her the money, Ethel.
Ethel Mertz: Give her the money? Is she coming with us?


"I Love Lucy: Fred and Ethel Fight (#1.22)" (1952)
Fred Mertz: She said my mother looks like a weasel.
Lucy Ricardo: Ethel, apologize.
Ethel Mertz: I'm sorry your mother looks like a weasel.


"The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour: Lucy Goes to Alaska (#2.3)" (1959)
Ethel Mertz: Oh, now Rick. It's kind of cozy.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah. Be it ever so humble, there's no place like Nome.
[Lucy and Ethel laugh, but Ricky is not amused]
Ricky Ricardo: Things aren't bad enough, huh?
Ethel Mertz: [stops Fred from getting into the bed] Just a minute. We're going to do this democratically. We're going to draw to see who sleeps where.
Ricky Ricardo: That's right.
[picks up his hat and holds it up]
Lucy Ricardo: Me first. Me first.
Ricky Ricardo: Ah, ah, ah. No cheating.
Lucy Ricardo: My mother... told me... to chose... you.
[pulls out and reads piece of paper]
Lucy Ricardo: The HAMMOCK!
Ricky Ricardo: Don't blame me, blame your mother.
Ethel Mertz: I'll go last.
[Fred draws a paper from the hat]
Ethel Mertz: What'd you get, Fred. What'd you get?
Fred Mertz: [looking down at the sleeping bag on the floor] None of your business and get your big feet off my bed.


"I Love Lucy: The Black Eye (#2.20)" (1953)
Fred Mertz: [as Fred is coming in the Ricardos' front door, Ethel opens the kitchen door and it hits him] She slammed the door on my nose.
Ethel Mertz: I did not. He walked right into it.
Ricky Ricardo: Does it hurt much, Fred?
Fred Mertz: I wouldn't be surprised if it's broken. I may never smell again.
Ethel Mertz: Wanna bet?


"I Love Lucy: Lucy's Italian Movie (#5.23)" (1956)
[inside an Italian train with a cramped seat Fred's asleep]
Ethel Mertz: Fred, Fred, wake up sleeping beauty.
Lucy Ricardo: You couldn't wake him up with a stick of dynamite.
Ethel Mertz: Hey I got an idea
[yells]
Ethel Mertz: Hey look there goes Gina Lollobrigida.
Fred Mertz: [gets up from his seat excited] Where? Where? Where?