Eliot Ness
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Quotes for
Eliot Ness (Character)
from "The Untouchables" (1959)

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The Untouchables (1987)
Malone: Why do you want to join the force?
George Stone: To protect the property and citizenry of...
Malone: Ah, don't waste my time with that bullshit. Where you from, Stone?
George Stone: I'm from the south-side.
Malone: Stone. George Stone. That's your name? What's your real name?
George Stone: That is my real name.
Malone: Nah. What was it before you changed it?
George Stone: Giuseppe Petri.
Malone: Ah, I knew it. That's all you need, one thieving wop on the team.
George Stone: Hey, what's that you say?
Malone: I said that you're a lying member of a no good race.
George Stone: [He cuffs Stone across the face. As he draws back his arm again, Stone presses a gun under his chin] Much better than you, you stinking Irish shit pig.
Malone: Oh, I like him.
Ness: [Ness looking a bit nervous and Malone smiling at Stone] Yeah I like him too.

Malone: You said you wanted to get Capone. Do you really wanna get him? You see what I'm saying is, what are you prepared to do?
Ness: Anything within the law.
Malone: And *then* what are you prepared to do? If you open the can on these worms you must be prepared to go all the way. Because they're not gonna give up the fight, until one of you is dead.
Ness: I want to get Capone! I don't know how to do it.
Malone: You wanna know how to get Capone? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. *That's* the *Chicago* way! And that's how you get Capone. Now do you want to do that? Are you ready to do that? I'm offering you a deal. Do you want this deal?
Ness: I have sworn to capture this man with all legal powers at my disposal and I will do so.
Malone: Well, the Lord hates a coward.
[jabs Ness with his hand, and Ness shakes it]
Malone: Do you know what a blood oath is, Mr. Ness?
Ness: Yes.
Malone: Good, 'cause you just took one.

Bodyguard: [Ness confronts Capone] Something you want here?
Ness: My friend was killed today.
Bodyguard: I don't care.
Ness: You don't care.
[Ness punches the bodyguard in the nose, knocking him to the ground]
Ness: Now he does.
[to Capone]
Ness: Come on here, Capone. You want to fight? You and me, right here? That's it, come on! What's the matter? You afraid to come out from behind your men, you afraid to stand up for yourself?
Capone: You want to do it now? You want to do the mat now?
Ness: Yeah! Come on, you guinea son of a bitch!
Capone: What? You talk to me like that in front of my son? Fuck you and your family!
Ness: Fu...
[Ness goes for his gun, while all of Capone's men pull out there guns and point them at Ness]

Ness: [after blowing away a crook who wouldn't "Freeze!"] Didn't you hear what I said? What are you, deaf? What is this, a game?

[last lines]
Scoop: Word is they're going to repeal Prohibition. What'll you do then?
Ness: I think I'll have a drink.

Ness: Never stop, never stop fighting till the fight is done.
Capone: What'd you say? What're you saying?
Ness: I said, "Never stop fighting till the fight is done."
Capone: What?
Ness: You heard me, Capone. It's over.
Capone: [sneering] Get out, you're nothing but a lot of talk and a badge.
Ness: Here endeth the lesson.

Ness: I'm going to see you burn, you son of a bitch, because you killed my friend!
Frank Nitti: He died like a pig.
Ness: What did you say?
Frank Nitti: I said your friend died screaming like a stuck Irish pig. Now you think about that when I beat the rap.
[He runs a comb through his hair and walks toward the door. Ness, enraged, grabs him from behind and pushes him past the door]
Frank Nitti: Hey... hey!
[Ness propels him toward the ledge]
Frank Nitti: *Hey!
[Ness pushes him off the roof. He falls, screaming]
Ness: Did he sound anything like *that*?

Ness: [Ness has just shot a gangster after the Canadian border raid] I had to kill him.
Malone: Oh, yeah. He's as dead as Julius Caesar... Would you rather it was you?
Ness: No, I would not.
Malone: Well, then, you've done your job. Go home and sleep well tonight.

George Stone: [after Ness has pushed Nitti off the roof and gone back in the courthouse] Where is Nitti?
Ness: He's in the car.

Malone: OK, pal, why the mahaska? Why are you carrying the gun?
Ness: I'm a treasury officer.
Malone: Alright. Just remember what we talked about now.
[Malone walks away]
Ness: Hey, wait a minute! What the hell kind of policemen you got in this god damn city? You just turned your back on an armed man.
Malone: You're a treasury officer.
Ness: How do you know that? I just told you that.
Malone: Who would claim to be that who was not? Hmm?

Ness: I have foresworn myself. I have broken every law I have sworn to uphold, I have become what I beheld and I am content that I have done right!

Mrs. Blackmer: I came here to thank you. It was my little girl that got killed with that bomb.
Ness: I'm sorry, please. I'm so sorry.
Mrs. Blackmer: You see it's because I know that you have children too... and that this is real for you, that these men caused this tragedy. And I know that you will put a stop to them. I know you'll do that now.

Mountie Captain: I do not approve of your methods!
Ness: Yeah, well... You're not from Chicago.

Ness: I wanna hurt the man, Malone. You hear me? I wanna start taking the battle to him. I wanna hurt Capone!

Bowtie Driver: Me and the bookkeeper are walking out of here, getting into a car, and driving away. Or else he dies! He dies! And you ain't got nothing! You got five seconds to make up your minds!
Ness: You got him?
George Stone: Yeah, I got him.
Bowtie Driver: [Bowtie starts counting off five seconds] One!
Ness: Take him.
George Stone: [Stone shoots him] Two!

District Attorney: [when the Judge announces the switch of jury] What did you tell him?
Ness: I told him his name is in the ledger too.
[Close-up of the Judge, staring daggers at Ness from the bench]
District Attorney: His name wasn't in the ledger...

Scoop: Mr. Ness! Any comment for the record?
Ness: I just happened to be there when the wheel went round.

Ness: Come on Capone! You wanna fight? You wanna settle it right now? Right here? Let's go!
Capone: Listen to me here! You ain't got nothin' on me, nothin'! You're just a cop! Fuck you and your family!
Ness: Fuh... know what?
[Ness goes to pull his gun, Capone's goons pull their guns and point them at Ness]
Malone: Not now Eliot, not now.
[Malone grabs Ness]

Ness: [looking at a gold chain Malone is holding] What is that?
Malone: Ah, I'm among the heathen. That is my call box key, and that... is my St. Jude medallion.
Ness: Saint who?
George Stone: Santo Jude. The patron saint of lost causes.
Malone: And policemen.
Ness: Well, which are we, gentlemen - policemen, or lost causes?

Malone: [stopping at a post office] Well, here we are.
Ness: What are we doing here?
Malone: Liquor raid.
Ness: [looking at the police station across the street] Here?
Malone: Mr. Ness, everybody knows where the booze is. The problem isn't finding it, the problem is who wants to cross Capone.

Ness: [Ness has just dismissed the rest of the team] We have several operations in the works, so we're rather busy, Alderman. What can we do for you?
Alderman: I came up to congratulate you on a job well done. Share your good fortune on such a lovely day.
[Drops bribe envelope on the desk]
Ness: What's that?
[shrugs and makes a giggle sound]
Ness: What is that.
Alderman: Mr. Ness, you're an educated man. Let me pay you the compliment of being blunt. There's a large, a large and popular business that you are causing dismay. Why don't you just cross the street and let things take their course.
Ness: [Summoning the team] Would you come in here please?
[as the team enters]
Ness: In roman times, when a when a fellow was convicted of trying to bribe a public official, they would cut off his nose, and sew him in a bag with a wild animal, and throw him in a river.
[picking up the bribe and throwing it at Alderman]
Ness: You tell your master that we must agree to disagree!
Alderman: You're making a mistake.
Ness: Yeah I know, well I've made them before I'm beginning to enjoy them.
Alderman: You fellows are untouchable, is that the thing? No one can get to you? Hey, everyone can be gotten to.
Ness: [speaking over Alderman and throwing him out] You tell Capone, that I'll see him in hell.

Hoods: You got 5 seconds to make up your minds
Ness: You got him?
George Stone: Yeah I got him
Hoods: 1...
Ness: Take him
[Stone shoots, the Hood drops with blood coming out of his mouth]
George Stone: Two

Ness: So much violence...

Ness: All right now, let's do some good!


"Supernatural: Time After Time (#7.12)" (2012)
Eliot Ness: Ezra Moore, Dean Winchester.
Dean Winchester: Hey.
Ezra Moore: Who's he, some farmer clown?
Eliot Ness: He's, uh, from the future.
Dean Winchester: Yeah. Gas costs four bucks, you get cheese out of a spray can. The President is a black man. I could go on.
Ezra Moore: Paint me impressed.

Dean Winchester: Awesome.
Ezra Moore: "Awesome"? Is he some religious kook?
Eliot Ness: No, he just likes saying that.

Eliot Ness: You said you fellas found his house. Well, let's go see if it's been built yet. And then let's kill that bastard. Because that...
Dean Winchester: Is the Chicago Way.
Ezra Moore: "Chicago Way"?
Eliot Ness: Who - who talks like that?
Dean Winchester: Sean Connery.
Ezra Moore: Come on.
Dean Winchester: Never watch that movie again.

Eliot Ness: Look. You seem like a swell guy, Lester. I want to help you out, I do, but my partner just got back from the War. He spent the last two years kicking in Nazi skulls. If he doesn't kicking a skull every couple of days, he's really touch.
Dean Winchester: Is that a German name?

Eliot Ness: [to Dean] Boo hoo. Cry me a river, you Nancy. Tell me, are all hunters as soft as you in the future? Everybody loses everybody and then, one day, boom, your number's up, but at least you're makin' a difference. So, enjoy it while it lasts, kid, 'cause hunting's the only clarity you're gonna find in this life. And that makes you luckier than most.

Dean Winchester: So who died in your life that made you a Hunter?
Eliot Ness: Who died? Nobody died, you morbid son of a bitch. I started doin' this cuz vampires were turnin' folks in Cleveland.
Dean Winchester: And you caught the bug.
Eliot Ness: That's when I caught the bug. Sometimes you just wanna... punch through the red tape with a silver bullet. Yeah, huntin' sets me free. Anyone you know hunt?
Dean Winchester: I used to do it cuz that's what my family did. But they just seem to keep dyin'. Tell you the truth, I don't know why I'm doin' much of anything anymore.
Eliot Ness: Boo hoo. Cry me a river, ya Nancy.
[Dean looks uncertainly at Ness]
Eliot Ness: Tell me... Are all Hunters as soft as you in the future?
[Dean gets a chastised look on his face]
Eliot Ness: Everybody loses everybody. And then one day, boom, your number's up. But, at least you're makin' a difference.
[a sort of realization dawns on Dean's face]
Eliot Ness: So, enjoy while it lasts, kid, cuz hunting's the only clarity you're gonna find in this life. And that makes you luckier than most.


"The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles: Young Indiana Jones and the Mystery of the Blues (#2.5)" (1993)
Indiana Jones: You're such a square.
Eliot Ness: Why, because I need a good night's sleep?
Indiana Jones: You're the world's youngest stuffy old fart.
Eliot Ness: I am not.
Indiana Jones: I'm telling you as a pal, you're a seventy year old kid. You need to loosen up. Now get your coat.

Indiana Jones: [Eliot has been knocked down] Eliot, get up!
Eliot Ness: I lost my beanie!

Eliot Ness: [Indy is practicing his soprano sax] How bout you trying to play a tune?
Indiana Jones: Eliott, this is jazz, there are no rules, it just flows.
Eliot Ness: Well, just flow somewhere else

Ernest Hemingway: What about you, Sherlock?
Eliot Ness: I got a friend in my chemistry class, he works part time at the morgue. I'm sure he can help us.
Ernest Hemingway: Hm, you two much have a lotta laughs...

Eliot Ness: [during car chase] We're gonna run out of gas...
Ernest Hemingway: What?
Eliot Ness: I didn't fill her up, I was in too much of a hurry.


Sherlock Holmes and the Leading Lady (1991) (TV)
Elliott Ness: Allow me to introduce my self. Ned Elliot, an alias. My Christian name is Elliot. My surname is...
Sherlock Holmes: [interrupting] Ness. Elliot Ness. United States Department of alcohol and firearms.
Sherlock Holmes: How did you...
Elliott Ness: [another interruption] You gave yourself away, young man, the first time that we met when you pretended that you didn't know who I was. Everyone knows who I am.

Sherlock Holmes: And now, thanks to your ineptitude, Mr. Ness, the one remaining link to the prototype lies dead, and we stand here without the faintest idea of the identity of the intended victim.
Elliott Ness: I'm sorry, it's my first case.
Dr. Watson: What a surprise.


"The Untouchables: Mexican Stake-Out (#1.7)" (1959)
Porter on Train: [Two Agents stop him in the corridor outside a killer's compartment] But, I have to deliver these sandwiches!
Eliot Ness: [Shows badge] He changed his mind.
Porter on Train: He sure did!


"The Untouchables: The St. Louis Story (#1.16)" (1960)
Eliot Ness: [after a long day searching] Those securities must be in cold storage.
Agent Cam Allison: That's where I'd like to put my feet!


"The Untouchables: The Genna Brothers (#3.4)" (1961)
Eliot Ness: [Agent Rossi, after a formerly helpful witness deserts them, nearly breaks the squad car's door by slamming it] Don't take it out on the car, Rico!