Al Capone
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Quotes for
Al Capone (Character)
from The Untouchables (1987)

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The Untouchables (1987)
Judge: [after Ness has discovered Capone bribed the jury to acquit him] Bailiff, I want you to go next door to Judge Hawton's court, where they've just begun hearing a divorce action. I want you to bring that jury in here, and take this jury to his court. Bailiff, are those instructions clear?
Bailiff: [puzzled] Yes, sir, they're... clear...
Capone: [to his attorney] What's he talking about? What is it?
Judge: Bailiff, I want you to switch the juries.
Bailiff: Yes sir.
Defense Attorney: Your honor, I object!
Judge: Overruled.

Capone: I want you to get this fuck where he breathes! I want you to find this nancy-boy Eliot Ness, I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES!

Capone: You can get further with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.

Capone: I'm gonna tell you something. Somebody messes with me, I'm gonna mess with with him. Somebody steals from me, I'm gonna say you stole. Not talk to him for spitting on the sidewalk. Understand? Now, I have done nothing to harm these people but they are angered with me, so what do they do, doctor up some income tax, for which they have no case. To speak to me like me, no, to harass a peaceful man. I pray to god if I ever had a grievance I'd have a little more self respect. One more thing, you have an all out prize fight, you wait until the fight is over, one guy is left standing. And that's how you know who won.

Capone: People are gonna drink! You know that, I know that, we all know that, and all I do is act on that. And all this talk of bootlegging - what is bootlegging? On a boat, it's bootlegging. On Lake Shore Drive, it's hospitality. I'm a businessman!

Bodyguard: [Ness confronts Capone] Something you want here?
Ness: My friend was killed today.
Bodyguard: I don't care.
Ness: You don't care.
[Ness punches the bodyguard in the nose, knocking him to the ground]
Ness: Now he does.
[to Capone]
Ness: Come on here, Capone. You want to fight? You and me, right here? That's it, come on! What's the matter? You afraid to come out from behind your men, you afraid to stand up for yourself?
Capone: You want to do it now? You want to do the mat now?
Ness: Yeah! Come on, you guinea son of a bitch!
Capone: What? You talk to me like that in front of my son? Fuck you and your family!
Ness: Fu...
[Ness goes for his gun, while all of Capone's men pull out there guns and point them at Ness]

Ness: Never stop, never stop fighting till the fight is done.
Capone: What'd you say? What're you saying?
Ness: I said, "Never stop fighting till the fight is done."
Capone: What?
Ness: You heard me, Capone. It's over.
Capone: [sneering] Get out, you're nothing but a lot of talk and a badge.
Ness: Here endeth the lesson.

Ness: Come on Capone! You wanna fight? You wanna settle it right now? Right here? Let's go!
Capone: Listen to me here! You ain't got nothin' on me, nothin'! You're just a cop! Fuck you and your family!
Ness: Fuh... know what?
[Ness goes to pull his gun, Capone's goons pull their guns and point them at Ness]
Malone: Not now Eliot, not now.
[Malone grabs Ness]

Capone: When you got an all-out prizefight, you wait until the fight is over, one guy is left standing. 'N' that's how you know who won.

[first lines]
Title Card: 1930. Prohibition has transformed Chicago into a City at War. Rival gangs compete for control of the city's billion dollar empire of illegal alcohol, enforcing their will with the hand grenade and tommy gun. It is the time of the Ganglords. It is the time of Al Capone.
Reporter: [to Al Capone] An article, which I believe appeared in a newspaper, asked why, since you are, or it would seem that you are, in effect, the mayor of Chicago, you've not simply been appointed to that position.
[other reporters laugh]
Capone: Well, I'll tell ya, you know, it's touching. Like a lot of things in life, we laugh because it's funny and we laugh because it's true. Now, some people will say - reformers, they'll say, 'Put that man in jail! What does he think he is doing?' Well, what I hope I'm doing, and here's where your English paper's got a point, is - I'm responding to the will of the people.

Capone: A man becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms, enthusiasms... What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball! A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. There he stands alone. But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork... Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. If his team don't field... what is he? You follow me? No one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say? I'm goin' out there for myself. But... I get nowhere unless the team wins.
Hoods: Team!
[Capone beats one of the men to death with a baseball bat]

Capone: [to reporters] Yes! There is violence in Chicago. But not by me, and not by anybody who works for me, and I'll tell you why because it's bad for business.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (2009)
Kah Mun Rah: Are there any questions?
Al Capone: Yeah, I got one. How come you're wearin' a dress?
Kah Mun Rah: This is not a dress. This is a tunic. It was the height of fashion 3,000 years ago, I assure you. Are there any other questions?
Ivan The Terrible: Da. This-a dress you're wearing, do we have to wear one of these, too?
Kah Mun Rah: Were you not listening? I just told Mr. Capone here that this not a dress. It is, in fact, a tunic. Very big difference. Are there any other questions?
[Napoleon raises his hand]
Kah Mun Rah: [getting annoyed] Are there any questions not about the dress?
[catching himself]
Kah Mun Rah: Tunic?
[Napoleon lowers his hand]
Kah Mun Rah: Good.

Al Capone: [Instead of chasing Larry, he takes his shot-gun and plays "taking him down gangster style" by making bizarre shooting noises]
Ivan The Terrible: [after a blank look at Capone] Alvin, you're a moron! Your stupidity is making the hairs on the back of my thigh stand up like a Russian ballerina!

Larry Daley: Great, well, I'll give you the combination after you give him back!
[reaches for the tablet]
Kah Mun Rah: How dare you! If you touch that again I shall kill you right now. Do not touch this.
[makes a line in front of the hourglass with his hand]
Kah Mun Rah: This is a 'No-Touching' zone!
Larry Daley: Good, well, then...
[reaches for it]
Kah Mun Rah: Oh my GOD! I can't believe you reached across like that again! I can't even believe it! Oh, God! I want to kill you right now! If you didn't know this combination, you would be so dead right now, it would be unbelievable!
Larry Daley: Great, well, I do know the combination...
Kah Mun Rah: [making a line with his arm] DON't CROSS THIS LINE with your hand!
[Larry starts to say something]
Kah Mun Rah: How dare you! If you speak again, if you SPEAK AGAIN, I'm going to kill you! Do you understand this? Don't say it! Oh, God I see you getting ready! Oh, my GOD! Don't say anything! Now, give me that Tablet and tell me the combination.
Larry Daley: Alright, after you give me Jed and release my friends.
[reaches for the hourglass]
Kah Mun Rah: [he freaks out] You did all three! You spoke and you reached your hand across!
Larry Daley: Look, I can talk to you about this all night!
Kah Mun Rah: How about this? How about I DON'T kill you, like I really, really want to, and I give you precisely five seconds to hand over that Tablet and tell me the combination?
Al Capone: [coming in carrying Einstein] We already got the combination! It's pi. 3.14159265! This little guy sang. Oh did he sing? Like a canary!

"Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman: That Old Gang of Mine (#2.7)" (1994)
Caterer: Oh, no, no, no. We can't have you smoking this nasty thing in here. Do you have any idea the effect this cigar will have on my hydrangeas?
Al Capone: Do you have any idea the effect this fist will have on your face?

Perry White: Great shades of Elvis! They're coming out of the woodwork now.
Al Capone: Who's Elvis?

Capone (1975)
Capone: There should be a law against women drinking.
Crawford: Well, I think there is.

Capone: I'll crap on your grave, Weiss.

"Boardwalk Empire: Erlkönig (#4.5)" (2013)
Al Capone: [bitterly, while tearfully mourning over his brother's dead body] Every fuckin' thing that crawls is gonna pay!

Al Capone: [unhappy that younger brother Al is snorting cocaine] What are yuh doin'?
Al Capone: [sarcastically] Trainin' my flea circus. Wattaya think?

"Legends of Tomorrow: The Chicago Way (#2.8)" (2016)
Damien Darhk: Mr. Capone... It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Al Capone: I cancelled tickets to the opera, 'cause I heard there was new players in town. No one told me it was Halloween.
Eobard Thawne: Well, it's more like Christmas.
Damien Darhk: That's - I like that, that's very good.

Al Capone: [to Martin] Don't be so glum, professor. You'll be in good company at the bottom of the river. Thieves, snitches, do-gooder cops, they've all run afoul in my organization, but you... I've never had to whack a professor before. Guess I'm moving up in the world, hey, boys?

"Boardwalk Empire: Blue Bell Boy (#3.4)" (2012)
Al Capone: [advising a sweaty Jake Guzik] Personal hygiene, Jake. It makes a good impression.

"Boardwalk Empire: Anastasia (#1.4)" (2010)
Al Capone: [after shooting a round next to Jimmy's ear as he sleeps for a joke] Look at the soldier!. Boy, you'd have pissed your pants if you were wearin' any!

The St. Valentine's Day Massacre (1967)
Capone: Wanna know something Jack? I like a guy who can use his head for something beside a hatrack!

"Boardwalk Empire: Two Imposters (#3.11)" (2012)
Al Capone: [last lines as he unexpectedly emerges from the back of the group] We been on the road for 18 hours. I need a bath, some chow; then you and me sit down, and we talk about who dies, eh?

"Boardwalk Empire: All In (#4.4)" (2013)
Jake Guzik: I'll be out in a week. I only missed three pickups.
Al Capone: You get your strength back. I'm gonna slip one of these nurses a fin. Get you a nice little sponge bath.
Frank Capone: Make it a couple of nurses. -There's a lot of Jake to sponge down.

"The Untouchables: A Tale of Two Fathers: Part 1 (#1.7)" (1993)
Catholic School Nun: Mr. Capone, parents are always welcome here, but you must make arrangments in advance.
Al Capone: My son is done with school for today, sister.
Catholic School Nun: Mr. Capone, we might feel differently is Sonny wasn't so far behind in his school work; his math skills are remedial, he hasn't read Treasure Island, and yesterday he recieved a D in his spelling test.
Al Capone: Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, sister, but we still gotta be going.
Catholic School Nun: Mr. Capone, if you continue to disrupt our program in Sonny's education, we'll have no choice but to hold him back a year next spring. Mr. Capone, I don't know what you think you're doing...
[as Capone whips out a huge wad of money and starts counting out large bills]
Al Capone: I'd appreciate it if yo had a tutor sent to my house for a while, sister.
Catholic School Nun: Mr. Capone, so much is yet to be done; a chapel had been planned at St. Judes, but our funds are pitifully insufficient. Given the circumstances, I'm sure we can work out something to get Sonny tutelage at home.
[guilting Capone into counting out even more money]

Mobsters (1991)
Lucky: [to the fledgeling Mafia Commission, at a meeting hosted by a young Al Capone] ... You all know how I got this scar. Maybe Joe Profaci, here...
Joe Profaci: Wait a minute. What're you saying?
Lucky: Don't worry, Joe. Maybe you knew it was gonna happen to me, maybe you didn't. But by the old way of doin' things... If I became boss now, I'd have to hit you in case you knew. And all of you shrug, except some of you are friends of Joe's. And one day I might do something that upsets you, so then you'll hit me. And then YOU'LL become boss. My friends, they'll hate you for that. Then somebody else becomes boss, and so on, and on... You know what I call that? Stupid. Very stupid... We're all bosses here.
Joe Profaci: What then, Charlie? We're gonna vote on everything?
Lucky: That's right. Everybody here... is equal.
Meyer Lansky: Corporations have a board of directors, a Commission. So will we.
Lucky: Now, I have friends. They're not from Palermo, they're not from Sicily... They're not even Italians. They're Jewish. But they're still my friends. And I trust 'em.
Al Capone: You say there's gonna be no boss, but you're startin' to talk like one.
Lucky: I've learned. Every organization needs somebody standin' out front. Call it a figurehead, a leader, a headman, a kingpin, a president, whatever. It doesn't much matter to me who does it.
Joe Profaci: I say we make Charlie Luciano head of our National Commission. Who agrees?
[Everybody at the table raises his hand... with the exception of Capone, who sits at the head of the table opposite Lucky]
Lucky: You want it, Al? It's yours.
Al Capone: No, I want you to do it. It's just that Julius Caesar never took no vote.
Lucky: That's why Julius Caesar ended up dead in the street.
[Capone raises his hand at last]
Lucky: ... Any other business?