The Sheriff of Nottingham
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Quotes for
The Sheriff of Nottingham (Character)
from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

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Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
[preparing to ravish Maid Marian]
Sheriff of Rottingham: A chastity belt! That's going to chafe my willy!

Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, this wasn't a very smart thing to do, Loxley. I'll pay for this!
Sheriff of Rottingham: YOU'LL pay for this!

Sheriff of Rottingham: King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
Robin Hood, Maid Marian: What?
Sheriff of Rottingham: I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?
Robin Hood: Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?
[crowd gasps]
Prince John: Careful Robin, you go too far.

Prince John: Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Right! Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you! I've got it!

Sheriff of Rottingham: Over that boy hand!
[pauses, looking confused]
Sheriff of Rottingham: Hand over that boy!

Sheriff of Rottingham: Don Giovanni, if I may say so, your lizard looks limp.
Don Giovanni: [holding lizard] Yeah, well, when you get to be my age... Oh! My lizard! Oh yeah!

Maid Marian: Wait!
Sheriff of Rottingham: What for?
Maid Marian: If you promise not to kill Robin, I shall do the most disgusting thing that I can think of.
Prince John: Oooohhh.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh? And what's that?
Maid Marian: I shall marry you.
Sheriff of Rottingham: What? You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, right after lunch?
Maid Marian: Yes, but only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh, oh yes! I respect that.

Sheriff of Rottingham: This is a stealth catapult, we've been working on it secretly for months. It can hurl one of these heavy boulders undetected, over a hundred yards, completely destroying anything in its path.
Prince John: Wow! How's it work?
Sheriff of Rottingham: It's rather simple. You get one of these heavy boulders, put it here where I'm sitting, and then pull on that lever.
Prince John: Like this?
[John pulls the lever and flings Mervin into the air]
Latrine: [praying by her bed in her boudoir] Oh dear Lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love...
[the Sheriff crashes through the roof and lands on the bed]
Latrine: [looks up and grins] Thank you!
[starts to climb on top of the Sheriff]
Latrine: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Sheriff of Rottingham: [struggles] No! No! I have a headache!
[runs away]
Latrine: OH BUGGER!
[breaks the fourth wall]
Latrine: I was *that* close! I touched it.

Sheriff of Rottingham: I was angry at you before Loxley, but now I'm really pissed off!
Ahchoo: Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener I'd be worrying about being pissed on!

Abbot: We are here to witness the marriage, of Mervin, the Sheriff of...
[crowd snickers]
Abbot: Mervin? Your name is Mervin?
Sheriff of Rottingham: [over crowd laughing] Shut up! Shut up!
Abbot: OK... Mervin.
[crowd starts laughing again]

Sheriff of Rottingham: [taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it] I challenge you to a duel.
Robin Hood: [picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down] I accept!

Sheriff of Rottingham: This was to be a "private" meeting... I mean, who are these men?
Don Giovanni: These? These are my most trusted associates. On my right, Dirty Ezio. On my left, Filthy Luca.
Filthy Luca: [Stands Up] We thank you, for inviting us on the day of your daughter's wedding.
Don Giovanni: No, no, no.
Filthy Luca: I hope that her first child, is a masculine child.
Don Giovanni: Shut up! We haven't even had our meeting yet!
Filthy Luca: ...Oh yeah.
[sits down]

[Rottingham slices off Robin's necklace, sending his key flying. The key falls into the lock of Marian's chastity belt]
Robin Hood: It is the key to the greatest treasure in all the land!
Maid Marian: This means you've always been my one true love because it's just the right size!
Sheriff of Rottingham: It's not the size that counts... It's how you use it!

Sheriff of Rottingham: The old man is Loxley.
Prince John: Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain.

Sheriff of Rottingham: Sire, I have news!
Prince John: And what sort of news do you have? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M. I don't want to hear any bad news. So, what kind of news is it?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad.
Prince John: [shouts] I knew it! I knew it would be bad news. Wait, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the *bad* news in a *good* way, it wouldn't sound so bad.
Sheriff of Rottingham: [thinking] The bad news in a good way. Yes, I can do that. The bad news in a good way. Well, here it goes.
Sheriff of Rottingham: W-wait till you hear this! I just saw Robin of Locksley, he's back from the crusades.
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, he just beat the *crap* out of me and my men.
Sheriff of Rottingham: He hates you and he loves your brother, Richard!
Sheriff of Rottingham: And...
Sheriff of Rottingham: ... he wants to see you hanged!
Sheriff of Rottingham: We, we're in a lot of trouble!
[laughs and snorts loudly]
Prince John: [furious] What, are you crazy? Why are you laughing? This is terrible news!

Sheriff of Rottingham: Wasn't your... didn't your mole used to be on the other side?
Prince John: I have a MOLE?

Sheriff of Rottingham: [after Robin has fired his shot, hitting the bullseye dead center] Don't worry, Dirty Ezio still has another shot.
Prince John: But he hit the very center of the bullseye... schmuck!

Sheriff of Rottingham: Struckey has loxed again.
Prince John: What?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Loxley has struck again.

[Robin is being made to watch Marian's wedding from the gallows]
Abbot: Do you, Sheriff of Rottingham, take Marian of Bahgel to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Sheriff of Rottingham: YES I DO! Get on with it!
Abbot: And do you, Marian, vow to do all the stuff I just said?
Sheriff of Rottingham: [to Marian] Say I do, or Robin dies!
Maid Marian: I... I do...
[Ahchoo shoots through Robin's noose]
Maid Marian: NOT!

Sheriff of Rottingham: He "deered" to kill a King's dare.
Sheriff of Rottingham: [realizing he said it wrong] He dared to kill a King's deer.

[Robin crashes Prince John's party, and slams a wild pig on the table]
Sheriff of Rottingham: That's a wild boar!
Robin Hood: No, no. That's a wild pig.
[Robin points at Prince John]
Robin Hood: *That's* a wild bore.

Robin Hood (1973)
Nutsy: [shouting] One o'clock and all's well!
Sheriff of Nottingham: [clock chimes three times] Nutsy, you better set your brain ahead two hours.
Nutsy: Right. Hey, Sheriff, does that there mean adding or subtracting?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, just forget everything.
Nutsy: Yes sir, yes sir.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Nutsy, how am I supposed to sleep with you yelling "all's well" all the time?

Sheriff of Nottingham: Wait a minute. Is the safety on Old Betsy?
Trigger: [tapping the side of the crossbow] You bet it is, Sheriff.
Sheriff of Nottingham: That's what I'm afraid of. You go first.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Criminently, Trigger! Point that peashooter the other way.
Trigger: Don't you worry none, Sheriff. The safety's on Old Betsy.
[Old Betsy goes off]
Sheriff of Nottingham: What in tarnation you tryin' to do, you birdbrain?
Trigger: Just doin' my duty, Sheriff.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, you and that itchy trigger finger of yours.

Sheriff of Nottingham: It smarts, don't it, Otto? But Prince John says if taxes should hurt.
Friar Tuck: [shouts] Now, see here, you evil, flint-hearted leech-!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Now, now, now, now! Save your sermin, preacher. It ain't Sunday, you know.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [Little John is secretly holding a dagger on Prince John and demanding Robin Hood's release] There's something funny going on around here.
Little John: [whispering] Now, P.J. tell my pal to kiss Maid Marian, or I've just found a new pincushion.
[the Sheriff goes behind the throne and sees Little John]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Why, you!
[tries to hit Little John with his sword, but misses. Little John lets go of Prince John and hits the Sheriff back]
Prince John: [shouts] Kill him! Don't stand there, kill him!

Friar Tuck: [the Sheriff has taken the only coin from the Poor Box, and Friar Tuck is furious] You thieving scoundrel!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Now, take it easy, Friar, I'm just doing my duty.
Friar Tuck: Collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince John?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose.
Friar Tuck: [shouts] Get out of my church! Out! Out! Out! Out!
[pushes the Sheriff out into the rain]
Friar Tuck: You want taxes? I'll give you taxes!
[begins assaulting the Sheriff]

[the Sheriff of Nottingham enters the castle singing]
Sheriff of Nottingham: He throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way / He calls for Mom and sucks his thumb and doesn't want to play / Too late to be known as John the First, he's sure to be known as John the Worst!
[to Sir Hiss]
Sheriff of Nottingham: [speaking] Am I right?
Hiss: [chuckles] That's P.J. to a "T". Let me try, let me try.
[lowers his voice]
Hiss: [singing] Too late to be known as John the First, he's sure to be known as John the Worst!
[sees an angry Prince John peeking behind a door, with a glass jug of wine in his hand, shrivels]
Hiss: The Fabulous, Marvelous, Merciful, Chivalrous.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, you've got it all wrong, Hiss. The Sniveling, Groveling, Measely, Weaseling.
Prince John: [shouts] Enough!
[throws the glass jug at the Sheriff, but it hits the wall and the wine rains down on him]
Sheriff of Nottingham: But, but Sire, it's a big hit. The whole village is singing it.
Prince John: Oh, they are, are they? Well, they'll be singing a different tune. Double the taxes! Triple the taxes!
[grabs Sir Hiss by the neck]
Prince John: Squeeze every last drop out of those insolent musical peasants.

[the Sheriff and the vultures are building a scaffold to hang Friar Tuck]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Well, Trigger. Everything's rigged up and all set.
Trigger: Yep, it's one of the prettiest scaffolds you ever built, Sheriff.
Nutsy: Sheriff, don't you reckon you should give that trap door a test?
[pulls a lever and opens the trap door, allowing the Sheriff to fall in]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Criminently, now I know why your mama called you "Nutsy".

Robin Hood: [in disguise] I'm gonna win that Golden Arrow, and then I'm goin' to present meself to Maid Marian.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Listen, Scissorbill. If you shoot half as well as you blabbermouth, you're better than Robin Hood.
Robin Hood: Robin Hood, he says? Wowee! I'm tip-top, alright, but I'm not as good as he is.
[Shoots a perfect bullseye]

Prince John: Stop! Executioner, stop! Hold your axe!
Little John: [threatening him with a dagger] Okay, big shot, now tell him to untie my buddy, or I'll.
Prince John: Sheriff, release my buddy! I mean, release the prisoner!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Untie the prisoner?
Clucky: You heard what he said, bushel britches!
Prince John: Sheriff, I make the rules! And since I'm head man.
[to Little John]
Prince John: Not so hard, you mean thing.
[back to the Sheriff]
Prince John: Let him go, for heaven sakes! Let him go!

Sheriff of Nottingham: You're under arrest for high treason to the crown!

Sheriff of Nottingham: Well, greetings from your friendly neighborhood tax collector.
Otto: Oh, take it easy on me, Sheriff. What with this busted leg and all, I'm way behind on my work, Sheriff.
Sheriff of Nottingham: I know, Otto, but you're way behind on your taxes too.
Friar Tuck: Oh, have a heart, Sheriff. Can't you see he's laid up?

Sheriff of Nottingham: Howdy, Friar! Well, it looks like I dropped in just in time!
Father Saxton: What does that big-bellied bully want here?

Sheriff of Nottingham: [to Otto as he's sitting down] Let me give you a hand with that leg.
[lifts up Otto's leg]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Upsie-daisy.
[farthings fall out of Otto's cast into the Sheriff's hand]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Bingo! Oh, what they won't think of next!

"Robin Hood: Do You Love Me? (#3.6)" (2009)
Prince John: You're still alive.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Yes, of course.
Prince John: How surprising. I don't particularly like surprises. What's your name?
Isabella: Isabella.
Prince John: Lovely. Italian or Spanish?
Isabella: Which do you prefer?

Guy of Gisborne: You're the reason Marian is dead! You poison everyone!
Sheriff of Nottingham: All this for a woman?

Sheriff of Nottingham: [to Gisborne] You know I loved you like a son. And you love me like a father once. I know you did.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [to Gisborne] Gisborne... don't trust him. You hear me? Nothing... is what it seems. Nothing.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [to Gisborne] I've enjoyed your company.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Humanity is a weakness, Gisborne. It's always been your failing. I tried to teach you.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Did Prince John put you up to this? He asked you to kill me, do you hear me, Gisborne? This is nothing but sport for him. Putting us up against each other. Unity, Gisborne.
Guy of Gisborne: This isn't for Prince John! This is for me!
[attacks Vasey]
Guy of Gisborne: I will be rid of you!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Quickly, Gisborne. I beg you. Have mercy on me.
Guy of Gisborne: You have no idea how much please this is going to give me. You're going to die slowly, and I'm going to watch the venom drain from your body as you die.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, Gisborne, please. Don't disgrace me. Kill me quickly.

Guy of Gisborne: You represent everything that's loathsome in a man!
Sheriff of Nottingham: I thought that's why you liked me! I was always fond of you Gisborne. Not overly fond, but fond.

Prince John: Do you love me, Sheriff?
Sheriff of Nottingham: With all my heart, Sire.
Prince John: Would you give your life for me?
Sheriff of Nottingham: My life? Is that all? Of course.
Prince John: Would you take a life for me?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Even easier to answer.
Prince John: Gisborne has so disappointed me...
Sheriff of Nottingham: Disappointed us both, Sire.
Prince John: Obedience. Loyalty. Love. Is it too much to ask? A king requites all three. Who's more loyal to me, Sheriff? You or Gisborne?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Of course I am, Sire. My loyalty is infinite.
Prince John: Good. Then prove it to me. Rid me of Gisborne, Sheriff. Quickly, discreetly. We don't want to disturb our noble guests with this messy business. Kill him for me, Sheriff.
Sheriff of Nottingham: A privilege, Sire.

Prince John: And where were you attacked?
Benjamin Palmer: Near a village.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Locksley village.
Benjamin Palmer: We fought courageously, but we were dreadfully outnumbered.
Sheriff of Nottingham: No doubt the villagers helped the outlaws.
Benjamin Palmer: And eventually, I was captured, by Robin Hood himself!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Or so he said. I mean, we've all been proved wrong in the past, haven't we, Gisborne?
Benjamin Palmer: But this time Robin Hood was fooled. Yes, Your Highness.
Prince John: Excellent! And was he angry that I'd made such a fool of him?
Benjamin Palmer: Very angry!
Prince John: He did curse us?
Benjamin Palmer: Fulsomely.
Prince John: Wonderful! What did he say?
Benjamin Palmer: I couldn't tell, Your Highness.
Prince John: Oh please, tell me exactly what he said.
Benjamin Palmer: But, Your Highness...
Prince John: Do you not love me?
Benjamin Palmer: Of course.
Prince John: Well, then say!
Benjamin Palmer: He called you a coward. He said only a coward would have a double.
Prince John: ...arrest him.
[Him meaning Palmer]

Sheriff of Nottingham: Gisborne? Gisborne!
Guy of Gisborne: My Lord.
Sheriff of Nottingham: You're here, I've been looking for you. I've, uh, been thinking about out relationship. We should work on it, don't you think? It's been a little strained in the past, I admit. But in the light of Prince John's visit, well, I think unity is the best way forward. Unity between you and me, hmm? Standing strong, together, don't you think? The past is the past. We should leave it behind us. The man is a tyrant, Gisborne, we both know that. And he's dangerous. The only way we're going to survive is... unity.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [after accidentally shooting an attacking peasant with an arrow instead of Gisborne and Gisborne notices] Oh bother.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)
[the Sheriff has said he'll cut out Robin Hood's heart with a spoon]
Guy of Gisborne: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's DULL, you twit. It'll hurt more.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Just a minute. Robin Hood steals money from my pocket, forcing me to hurt the public, and they love him for it?
[Scribe nods]
Sheriff of Nottingham: That's it then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [to a wench] You. My room. 10:30 tonight.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [to another wench] You. 10:45... And bring a friend.

Mortianna: ...recruit the beasts that share our god.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Animals?
Mortianna: From the North.
Sheriff of Nottingham: You mean... CELTS. They drink the blood of their dead.
Mortianna: Yoke their strength.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Hired thugs... Ahh brilliant.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Locksley. I'll cut your heart out with a spoon.
Robin Hood: Then it begins.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Do you mind Locksley? We've just been married.

[the Sheriff is preparing to rape Marian to impregnate her, even as Robin and Azeem are trying to break down the door]
Sheriff of Nottingham: I can't do this with all that racket!

Sheriff of Nottingham: What a beautiful child. So young, so alive, so unaware of how precarious life can be. I had a very sad childhood, I'll tell you about it sometime. I never knew my parents; it's amazing I'm sane.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Marian, our union would allow these children to grow up as my allies. You understand... I cannot allow them to grow up as my enemies.
Marian: I have no choice.
Sheriff of Nottingham: That's true.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Who told you to cover up?

Sheriff of Nottingham: Now I have heard that Robin Hood may still be alive. Either tell me where he may be hiding, or you wll all hanged and we will catch him anyway and do the same thing to him.
Will Scarlett: I'd love to kill him for you.
Wulf: Will, no!
Sheriff of Nottingham: So he is alive, then?
Will Scarlett: I'm not really sure.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Then why would I need you?
Will Scarlett: Because, my lord, if he is alive, I can get close to him. I'm one of his men. He would never suspect me.
Wulf: He knows you always hated him, traitor!
Sheriff of Nottingham, Will Scarlett: Shut up!
Will Scarlett: He's a trusting fool. He'll believe me. And if he doesn't, he'll kill me. Then you've lost nothing.
Sheriff of Nottingham: If you fail, I will personally remove your lying tongue.
Will Scarlett: And if I succeed, I get my freedom and the bounty on his head.
Sheriff of Nottingham: The lash, I think! Sorry about that. It'll make it more convincing.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [after he stabs Sir Guy of Gisborn] At least I didn't use a spoon.

"Robin Hood: Something Worth Fighting For: Part 2 (#3.13)" (2009)
Sheriff of Nottingham: This is my destiny, Blamire. This time is almost upon us. Welcome to hell, Robin Hood.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Surprise. You thought I was dead. But you didn't check, did you? Very nasty wound. Gisborne, we will have our reckoning. Right now, I want my town back.
Robin Hood: Never. You're finished, Vasey. Your weapons are no match for the hatred these men have for you.
Sheriff of Nottingham: You tell your pleasant army, anybody who resists me will die. Poor Allan. Squealed like a stuck pig when he died.
Guy of Gisborne: Robin...
Robin Hood: And you'll pay for that, you murdering swine.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Sticks and stones, Hood.

Sheriff of Nottingham: You have until dawn to give me Gisborne, release Isabella, and then return Nottingham to myself and Prince John. Otherwise, you and your noisy friends, well, they'll be wiped off the face of the earth.

Sheriff of Nottingham: That is the last time Robin Hood makes a fool out of me!

Guy of Gisborne: Isabella.
Isabella: Guy?
Guy of Gisborne: Isabella, where are you?
Isabella: Come and get me.
Guy of Gisborne: That explosion...
Isabella: The tunnel should be cleared by now. I'd say there's a way out if you want it. For you, Guy, perhaps it's time you took the poison for yourself. After all, you've destroyed anyone you've ever held dear to you. You know, Brother, you loved me once.
Sheriff of Nottingham: ...and me, too.
Guy of Gisborne: planned this?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Isabella, you will, of course, relinquish your claims to my title if you wish to join me.
[to Guy]
Sheriff of Nottingham: I didn't want anyone else to have the pleasure of killing you, so I set up this little trap. Stay back. He's mine. The man who tried to kill me. I MADE YOU!
Guy of Gisborne: I won't make the same mistake twice.

Sheriff of Nottingham: How appropriate a battle so huge should come down to the important few. A new one. Don't know you, do I?
Isabella: He's my mother's foolish mistake. Look at us. The whole sorry family.
Robin Hood: Together.
Archer: Brothers in arms.

Robin Hood: This ends here!
Isabella: Oh, how right you are, Robin Hood.
[Traces her own neck where Robin's wound is]
Robin Hood: It's a scratch! IT'S NOTHING!
Isabella: No, no, no. You should be careful. I mean, this blade, it could be rusty, or, or even worse...
Guy of Gisborne: What have you done?
Isabella: I used your poison on the blade. A few drops flowing through your bloodstream. I'd say you'll be dead by sundown.
Robin Hood: [to Guy] Is this true?
Guy of Gisborne: [Nods]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, this is too good to be true. You've killed Robin hood! Oh, we'll be back to finish the rest of you off with the army. Please, wait for me. I don't want to miss the big moment.

Sheriff of Nottingham: It's no time for sentiment.

Sheriff of Nottingham: So, what's it to be, Hood - surrender or slaughter?
Robin Hood: Neither. You see... I don't trust you, Vasey. You said you'd take no prisoners.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, yes. Yes, I did say that. Well, that was rather hasty of me. I mean, who's going to pay tax if the villagers are all dead?
Robin Hood: So, what? You're going to release all these people now only to make slaves of them later?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Why?
Robin Hood: You don't give me much of a choice, do you?
Sheriff of Nottingham: What, have you got some little trick tucked up your sleeve, Hoody, hmm? Humiliate me and rescue the girl? You're so predictable, Hood. Bored of that game. Kill her.

Rabbit Hood (1949)
Sheriff of Nottingham: It's the rack for you, me long-eared fellow. The King shall indeed be proud of me.
Bugs Bunny: King? Lo, the King approacheth!
Sheriff of Nottingham: The King? Where? Where?
Bugs Bunny: There, there, o'er yon flowered bank!
Sheriff of Nottingham: [the Sheriff of Nottingham bows his head] Your Majesty.
[after Bugs hit the Sheriff of Nottingham's head with a club numerous times, little kings float around his head]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Ods fish! The very air abounds in kings.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [Bugs runs into the King's Royal Rose Gardens] Stop! Stop! You can't go in there! You're not allowed in there! This is the King's private garden! You're standing on royal ground!
Bugs Bunny: Royal ground? You mean to say that this ground is better than that ground over there?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Yes, it is!
Bugs Bunny: Oh, I don't know. Now, you take this piece of ground over here. Now here's a nice piece of property. Level, fruit trees, choice view, improvements already in. Eh, what type of house was you planning?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Well, I... I sort of had a six-room Tudor in mind.
Bugs Bunny: Then this is the just the place for you, and it's priced just right. But, uh, first, uh... Are you a veteran?
Sheriff of Nottingham: No, I'm a...
Bugs Bunny: Good, then it'll be easy. Here, just sign on the dotted line.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Well, uh... couldn't I call you later? You see, I...
Bugs Bunny: Well, I don't know. You see, there was a couple here from Kansas City looking at this place this morning, and they...
Sheriff of Nottingham: All right! I'll sign! I'll sign! Here!
Bugs Bunny: You'll never regret it, my friend. This place will double in value inside six months.
[Cut to the Sheriff working on a half-finished house in the Garden when he suddenly realizes what he was deceived]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Ooh! I hate myself! I do! I do! I do!
[the Sheriff of Nottingham hits himself in the head with his hammer repeatedly, almost contemplating suicide]

Bugs Bunny: Sheriff of Nottingham, in gratitude for your faithful service, I shall knight thee.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Your most gracious Majesty.
Bugs Bunny: In the name of my most royal Majesty, I knight thee.
Bugs Bunny: [Conks the Sheriff on the head with his scepter] Arise, Sir Loin of Beef.
Bugs Bunny: [Conks him again] Arise, Earl of Cloves.
Bugs Bunny: [Conk] Arise, Duke of Brittingham.
Bugs Bunny: [Conk] Arise, Baron of Munchausen.
Bugs Bunny: [Conk] Arise, Essence of Myrrh...
Bugs Bunny: [Conk] Milk of Magnesia...
Bugs Bunny: [Conk] Quarter of ten.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [extremely dazed] You are too kind, Your Majesty.
Bugs Bunny: [Disguised Bugs turns his head aside and speaks to audience] Got lots of stamina!
[1st "knighting of Sheriff of Nottingham", Sir Loin of Beef, was later used as the name of a knight King Arthur's Table, in Bugs Bunny's only award winning short Knighty Knight Bugs]

[Opening lines]
[Bugs Bunny pulls a carrot, that has an alarm bell. He then tries to stop the bells' ringing and the Sheriff of Nottingam arrives to guard the King's garden]
Sheriff of Nottingham: It's the rack for you, me long-aired knave.

Bugs Bunny: [nervously] Heh heh, well I must be toddling along. Spot of tiffin and all that. Give my regards to the King, and the Queen, and the Jack, and the Ten of Diamonds.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [grabs Bugs by the neck as he makes a break for it] Not so fast! We have an appointment with the rack!

Sheriff of Nottingham: O-ho, varlet! Caught crimson-fisted!
Bugs Bunny: Eh, what's up, doc?
Sheriff of Nottingham: What's up, forsooth! It's the rack for you, my long-eared knave. These are the King's carrots.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [Bugs has knocked him silly over the head] What's fish? The very air abounds in kings!

"Robin Hood: Sisterhood (#2.1)" (2007)
Sheriff of Nottingham: Ah, the sanctimonious old fart... and her father.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [about to chop off some kids' hands] Come along, chop chop.

Robin Hood: The taxes, the money you've raised...
Sheriff of Nottingham: What did you think? You think I was going to buy myself a new rug?

Sheriff of Nottingham: Talking of our lady leper friends, time to go and get the pretty one and her daddy.
Guy of Gisborne: Edward and Marion.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Mm.
Guy of Gisborne: If they resist, shall I use force?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Get up to speed, Gisborne. Use force anyway.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [Robin is strung up over a chest of snakes] Death by fanging?

Sheriff of Nottingham: I want him dead, Gisbourne. Whatever it takes, I want him dead.

"Robin Hood: Let the Games Commence (#3.5)" (2009)
Robin Hood: I leave you alone for one minute, John... it used to be safe for children in Nottingham.
Sheriff of Nottingham: So says that outlaw. But for once, I am pleased to see you, Hood. It means that Gisborne has snatched defeat from the jaws of victory once again!

Bertha: [gets close to the sheriff using a flirtatious voice] I could a settle the debt with... something better than money.
Sheriff of Nottingham: There's no such thing.

Sheriff of Nottingham: You can always manage to pluck defeat from the jaws of victory!
[Said to Guy of Gisborne]

Sheriff of Nottingham: Do you even know how to count? Where the hell is my treasurer?
Treasurer: You killed him, sir.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Anybody can see that THAT is nowhere near enough! Years of loyal service. That's worth more then coins and dead outlaws, isn't it? ISN'T IT?
Treasurer: Yes sir, it is sir!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Apparently not. Very well. I shall pledge my allegiance in gold. Come with me, bring that book. We're going to make money!

Sheriff of Nottingham: Can I help you? Well. Might you hang your head in shame, Gisborne. You let him escape again and this - this! Is THIS what distracted you?
[gestures to Isabella]
Sir Guy of Gisborne: ...this is my sister.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. You were busy playing happy families. Your level of incompetence never ever ceases to amaze me, Gisborne. Every time I think you've plumbed a new depth, along you come and surprise me all over again. Well, maybe now prince John will remember why he put ME in command!

Sheriff of Nottingham: You're still alive. Things must've gone well at court. Well, that can't have gone that badly, not for Prince John to provide you with men, horses...
Sir Guy of Gisborne: ...necessities.
Sheriff of Nottingham: So Prince John sent you back to Nottingham with a mission, and yet nobody saw fit to tell me. The last time I checked, I was still the Sheriff.
Sir Guy of Gisborne: The Prince is *still* waiting for his 1,000 crowns. His patience wears thin.
Sheriff of Nottingham: As indeed, does mine, what's the mission?
Sir Guy of Gisborne: He wants me to kill Robin Hood.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, I'm sure he does. But you've, uh, you've never managed it before, Gisborne, hmm? Although you did once have him at your sword point, and yet he still bested you.
Sir Guy of Gisborne: Well, this time will be different. This time I will command with mission without incompetent, ill-conceived interference from others.
Sheriff of Nottingham: No. You will fail, like you always failed before, and then you will come back and beg me for my patronage.
Sir Guy of Gisborne: Not this time. The Prince has furnished me with a weapon that not even Hood can escape.
Sheriff of Nottingham: What weapon?
Sir Guy of Gisborne: Oh, I will not have need of you, ever again.

"Robin Hood: Lost in Translation (#3.3)" (2009)
Sheriff of Nottingham: Beautiful day. Almost makes you want to burst into song.
Friar Tuck: You start off, I'll harmonise.

Sheriff of Nottingham: What, you think Hood's going to come and resuce you, do you? I don't see him. No. Hood! Hood? Hoody, hoody... Come out wherever you are!

Sheriff of Nottingham: Where's Robin Hood? I don't see him.
Robin Hood: Then open your eyes!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, look. He's come to save the village. How noble. What are you going to do, Hood? Hmm? Are you going to kill me? Going to shoot me? And risk bringing down the wrath of Prince John on Nottingham? Well, I don't think you really want that, do you?
Robin Hood: No. No,I wouldn't. Because I love Nottingham. I love it's people. And I want to see them freed from your greed and your corruption.
Sheriff of Nottingham: What about your greed? And your corruption? You attacked the abbey to try and steal the holy artefacts.
Robin Hood: I didn't. And nor did I tax these people till they bled and brutalised them until they had nothing more to give.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Yes, but you did break into the abbey with the intention of stealing the hand of St Luke.
Robin Hood: That is no the hand of Saint Luke!

Robin Hood: The truth is always the truth. You can't change that with an edict.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Yes, and they deserve to be told the truth.
Robin Hood: You tell them now and this is all over.
Sheriff of Nottingham: It certainly will be.
Robin Hood: If you say that relic is real, then three innocent men will die. But if you deny it, those people must be released from your edict.

Sheriff of Nottingham: I shall be hanging onto that until Robin Hood and his gang of maggots are reduced to ashes.

Sheriff of Nottingham: It's too late for absolution. You are the only one who can help me now.
Abbot: If you are truly willing to repent for all your sins then you must make your peace with God, my son, and pray for his forgiveness.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Ah, you see it's not God I'm worried about. It's Prince John.
Abbot: Then you really *are* in trouble!

"Robin Hood: Get Carter! (#2.8)" (2007)
Sheriff of Nottingham: Stop whining, Gisborne. If I'd wanted a wife, I would have found one with better legs.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Carter is a godsend. He kills people for fun!
Guy of Gisborne: ...then why are we paying him?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Fun... and money.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, and by the way, Marian sent a message.
Guy of Gisborne: What message?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Hmm? Oh. "I'm not coming back, get over it, and for god's sake, change your clothes once in a while."

Sheriff of Nottingham: It worked it worked! Hood saw the poor, innocent people of Clun being attacked then dashed in rather dashingly to save them.

Robin Hood: KNEEL.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Make me.
Robin Hood: With pleasure!

"Robin Hood: A Clue: No (#1.13)" (2006)
[the Sheriff, disguised, prepares to murder those who oppose him]
Sheriff of Nottingham: [in disguise] Do you wish to give evidence against the Sheriff?
[an arrow, fired by Robin, pins the Sheriff's sleeve to the table]
Robin Hood: A clue: no.

[first lines]
Sheriff of Nottingham: You're getting slack, my friend. Would it have been easier for me, hm, if you'd led me by the hand to your hidey-hole? A clue: No.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Bored now. Kill them!

Guy of Gisborne: What do you mean the King is not coming?
Sheriff of Nottingham: He's in the Holy Land. I've arranged an imposter. Think about it: is there a king who's spent God knows how long fighting in the Holy Land going to stop of in Nottingham for a chat? A clue: no.

Sheriff of Nottingham: A clue: No!

"Robin Hood: Peace? Off! (#1.10)" (2006)
Robin Hood: Where's the prince?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Forget him! You stay here and protect me!

Sheriff of Nottingham: [after being saved by the outlaws] And, Locksley... remember... business as usual tomorrow.
Robin Hood: I look forward to it.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [whilst fighting the assassins] I hate this! This isn't much fun at all!

Guy of Gisborne: Marian and I have had a disagreement, that's all. I'd hoped that...
Sheriff of Nottingham: Hope! I would rather be *dead* than spend my life hoping. I hope for this; I hope for that. Buy her something. A trinket or two.
Guy of Gisborne: Marian is not the type to be bought.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Nonsense. All women can be bought; it's a nesting thing. They want to make sure that their offspring are provided for. They're animals really.

Sheriff of Nottingham: We have a saying in this country: "All work and no play, that's what the poor do."

"Robin Hood: Will You Tolerate This? (#1.1)" (2006)
Sheriff of Nottingham: Locksley, welcome back. I trust Sir Guy of Gisborne's managed your estates to your satisfaction?
Robin Hood: I believe he may have managed them to your satisfaction.

Robin Hood: Discipline has never been a problem on my estates.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Times have changed.
Robin Hood: Not for the better, it seems.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [Is giving a speech about taxation] Hungry men are virtuous.
Robin Hood: There is a celebration of my return tonight in the great hall?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Indeed.
Robin Hood: Then I hope none of us "virtuous" men will be feasting?

Sheriff of Nottingham: Now, now, please don't kill my brother, my little baby, my inbred cousin!

Sheriff of Nottingham: Novice novices? How novel.

Robin and Marian (1976)
Sheriff of Nottingham: In my domain, never tell me. Always ASK.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Robin! Still not dead?
Robin Hood: Not for want of trying. You look well, all things considered.
Sheriff of Nottingham: How was the Crusade?
Robin Hood: A disappointment. After all these years, look at us. I'm nothing but a former captain, and you're still the Sheriff.
Sheriff of Nottingham: No advancement. You see, I can read and write. Makes you suspect. Not a duke in twenty reads a word.
[to Sir Ranulf]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Correct, milord?
Sir Ranulf: Books are for clerks.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Robin, you're still a free man. Let me have her and you can go.
Robin Hood: You know I can't do that.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Well, then, I shall have to hunt you down.
Robin Hood: Good hunting, Sheriff.
Sheriff of Nottingham: God help you, Robin.
Robin Hood: If He will.
[rides away]
Sir Ranulf: [recovering from a kick in the groin] So that's Robin Hood. He's a dead man.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Yes... but not just anyone's. He's mine. Can you get on your horse, Sir Ranulf?

Sir Ranulf: [impatient that Robin hasn't appeared] He'll never come.
Sheriff of Nottingham: I know him. He's a little bit in love with death. He flirts; he teases. I can wait.

"Robin Hood: Cause and Effect (#3.2)" (2009)
Guy of Gisborne: Say your prayers, outlaw!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Gisborne! You move, Gisborne, and you die.
Guy of Gisborne: I will have his blood!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Don't be so selfish.
Guy of Gisborne: Get off me! He dies now!
Sheriff of Nottingham: Come, come. Surely you don't want to miss the slow and painful death of Robin Hood? Hmm?

Guy of Gisborne: I will have my way. I will watch him die and then I'll bring his head to you on the road and you can send it with the money to Prince John.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Yes. Very good, Prince John would like that. He can show off his head in his trophy room. Perhaps I will allow you to have your way. But if you even think about defying me again then it will be your head on it's way to London.

Sheriff of Nottingham: I want those two buffoons out before anyone knows they're here.
Guy of Gisborne: Afraid Price John will find out you're supplying soldiers to his enemies?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Why should he find out, hmm?
[holds blade to Gisborne's neck]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Prince John will get his patronage money. He has to. And where it comes from is of no importance.
Guy of Gisborne: Is that meant to frighten me? Look at you. Your plans are in ruins. Black Knights are disbanded, and you're having to buy the affections of a Prince who would rather see you dead. Why should I fear you?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Because...
[throws sword]
Sheriff of Nottingham: I AM THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM!

Sheriff of Nottingham: We call this room the vault. One door, solid oak, 3 locks. No windows, just... lots of stone.
Robin Hood: ...a challenge.
Guy of Gisborne: This is the last room you'll ever know. You should have killed me when you had a chance. I'm going to make you suffer before you die.
Robin Hood: Just like you're suffering, Gisborne? You know, you could kill me a 100 times over, but the pain you're feeling now, the hatred, the self-loathing, it's never going to go away. You'll never hate me as much as you hate yourself!
Sheriff of Nottingham: [Gesturing towards Gisbornes drawn sword] Oh, put it away. Always in such a rush, hmm? Sometimes I don't think you appreciate the poetry of pain. Something clearly, Robin Hood does.

"Robin Hood: Sheriff Got Your Tongue? (#1.2)" (2006)
Sheriff of Nottingham: Listen! I hear a noise, do you hear a noise? I think it's a dead man, talking!

Sheriff of Nottingham: [to Robin] You do not play games with me.

Sheriff of Nottingham: You made a mistake in Nottingham. Trying to be the peasants' hero.
Robin Hood: Well why don't you be the peasants' hero and show me how it's done.

Sheriff of Nottingham: A clue... no.

"Robin Hood: Brothers in Arms (#1.7)" (2006)
[Robin Hood and his men prepare to rescue Alan-A-Dale's brother from a hanging as the Sheriff addresses the crowd]
Sheriff of Nottingham: All those eager faces. You're all expecting Robin Hood to turn up, aren't you? Hmm? Do a few tricks with his bow and arrow?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Well, this is no time for schoolboy tricks. This is justice. We have laws. Robin Hood has no respect for the law. Robin Hood flouts the law. He would have us all be criminals, murdering and stealing. And yet still, you wait there, expecting him to come and save one of his own. Yes, of course you do, which is why... I have brought the hanging forward by one hour, look up there!
[soldiers reveal hanging bodies on the battlements]
Sheriff of Nottingham: You're too late, Robin Hood! Your men are already dead! Oh, I wish you could have seen the look on their faces just before they realised that you weren't coming to rescue them. Oh, it was very moving. First there was disappointment, tinged with confusion, soon to be replaced by anger, and then tears, just before they realised that it was the final, fatal drop - it was very moving, it was very touching.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Yes, I wish you could have seen that, Hood! Well, thank you very much.
[to crowd]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, will one of you tell Robin Hood, if you do see him? Thank you. Eager, smiling faces. Good.
Sheriff of Nottingham: All in a day's work. Ha-ha. Sheriff coming through!

Lucky George: I need more guards.
Guy of Gisborne: Out of the question.
Sheriff of Nottingham: You shall have them.

Guy of Gisborne: I've been betrayed.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Again? Hmh. Well, you're making a habit of it, aren't you?

Guy of Gisborne: [on who gave information to Robin Hood] It was Marian. I have the proof.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Marian? Well, well, well. Am I surprised? Clue:
[shakes his head and mouths 'no']
Sheriff of Nottingham: It's always the girl. I told you: women - lepers.

"Robin Hood: A Thing or Two About Loyalty (#1.9)" (2006)
Guy of Gisborne: Hood got there first. The ledger's gone.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [looking over a chessboard] Didn't you tell me that you'd *hidden* the barrels of black powder?
Guy of Gisborne: [under pressure] I did. Yes, I did.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [moves the white rook across the chessboard] Who else did you tell?
Guy of Gisborne: No one.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [still not looking at Guy of Gisborne] So how did he find it before you?
[long pause]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Were you followed, Gisborne?
Guy of Gisborne: [seriously] No.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [nods, then suddenly picks up the white king and hurls it at Guy of Gisborne, who ducks]
Sheriff of Nottingham: You fool! We've been set up! Now you dispatch every man you can to the caves, bring me Eve, and fetch me my horse!

[after Robin has blown up the black powder]
Sheriff of Nottingham: [to Guy of Gisborne] Life is a cruel mistress, Gisborne.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Clean up your mess.

Sheriff of Nottingham: [to Gisborne] We make a fine team, my friend, a fine team.

"Robin Hood: Dead Man Walking (#1.11)" (2006)
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, gallantry! You see, Marion- it's not dead... Well, not *yet*...

Sheriff of Nottingham: [to Guy] Now, I'd like to sit on the right-hand side of Marian, so I can actually see what a bleeding heart looks like.

Sheriff of Nottingham: One bad apple in the family, and we punish the whole barrel.

"Robin Hood: Who Shot the Sheriff? (#1.3)" (2006)
Joe Lacey: I shot the sheriff!
Sheriff of Nottingham: No... you shot the deputy.

Robin Hood: It seems to me that somebody wants you dead.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, God. What's new? Welcome to my world.

Robin Hood: By the way, this is for you.
[hands the Sheriff a tag]
Robin Hood: For future reference, anybody wearing one of those is with me.
[goes to leave]
Sheriff of Nottingham: How splendid. Robin!
[holds up the tag to his neck]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Does it go with my dress?

"Maid Marian and Her Merry Men: Rotten Rose: Part 1 (#2.5)" (1990)
The Sheriff: For the eighty-seventh time, shut up!
Gary: Eighty-sixth.
The Sheriff: SHUT UP!
Gary: Eighty-seventh.

Graeme: Poor King John. The cares of the nation lie very heavy on his shoulders, don't they sir?
The Sheriff: Yes, with a bit of luck a few more cares will dislocate them and his head'll fall off.
'Rotten' Rose Scargill: [in a stage whisper from across the courtyard] Sheriff!
The Sheriff: Yes Gary?
Gary: I didn't say anything.
The Sheriff: Oh.
'Rotten' Rose Scargill: [edges closer] Sheriff!
The Sheriff: You're not mucking about are you Gary?
Gary: No sir!
The Sheriff: [spooked] You haven't... turned into a woman, have you?
Gary: [defensively] No sir, my bike's got a crossbar and everything!

Gary: Poor King John. The cares of the nation lie very heavy on his shoulders.
The Sheriff: With a bit of luck a few more cares will dislocate them and his head will fall off.

"Robin Hood: Total Eclipse (#3.1)" (2009)
Sheriff of Nottingham: Hello boys. Everything you need to make your stay comfortable?
Allan A Dale: We seem to have missed out on the welcoming beaker of mead.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Now to keep you up to speed with my schedule
Little John: [Growls]
Sheriff of Nottingham: [Tuts, growls back and laughs]

Sheriff of Nottingham: Monk's been on the mushrooms - fire it!

Sheriff of Nottingham: You pathetic, misery addled mess. You are teetering on the edge of dispensability, Gisborune. Make sure you don't fall off.
Guy of Gisborne: You know, I've finally come to the conclusion that I don't like you.

"Robin Hood: Parent Hood (#1.4)" (2006)
Sheriff of Nottingham: "Royston White, I fight for King and Country!" Blah-di-blah-di-blah.

[holds out a knife for Roy]
Sheriff of Nottingham: I would be very grateful if you would, uh, use this on our mutual friend Robin Hood.

Roy: You're going to hell for this.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Really? Just for this?

"Maid Marian and Her Merry Men: Rotten Rose: Part 2 (#2.6)" (1990)
Gary: Bye bye. Bye bye. Bye bye.
The Sheriff: Gary, what are you doing?
Gary: I'm saying bye bye to the germs, sir. They're going in the bin, out the gates and onto the rubbish heap. But they can have lots of fun making new friends in a totally different environment.
The Sheriff: So it's more a Club 18-30 holiday than a rubbish heap.

The Sheriff: Gary, sometimes you're as stupidly sentimental as an Australian soap opera.

"Maid Marian and Her Merry Men: Keeping Mum (#3.3)" (1993)
King John: I hate guests. Why shouldn't I put my feet up on the table?
The Sheriff: No reason at all, my Lord. I merely suggested that you don't start dusting your athlete's foot until the Countess has finished her pudding.

The Sheriff: So you'll marry her?
Guy of Gisborne: Oh yummy with knobs on!
King John: What?
The Sheriff: I think that's idiot speak for "I will".

"Robin Hood: Sins of the Father (#3.4)" (2009)
Rufus: So Sheriff, how was the show? You get a kick out of it?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Very good. You make Gisborne look... all warm and snuggly.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Scrope. You're lying. Be honest, confess. I might find it in myself to be warm and forgiving, and I'll let you live.
Scrope: ...really?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, yes. Underneath this harsh surface I'm deeply sensitive.
Scrope: He made me lie. I didn't want to! He threatened to hurt my wife.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Yes. Scrope. Oh Scrope.
[stabs him]
Sheriff of Nottingham: I LIED. Underneath this harsh surface, there's just more harsh surface.

"Doctor Who: Robot of Sherwood (#8.3)" (2014)
The Sheriff of Nottingham: Nottingham is not enough.
Clara Oswald: It isn't?
The Sheriff of Nottingham: After this, Derby.
Clara Oswald: Right.
The Sheriff of Nottingham: Then, Lincoln. And after Lincoln...
Clara Oswald: Worksop?
The Sheriff of Nottingham: [Rams his dagger into the table] THE WORLD!

The Sheriff of Nottingham: But I like you. You're refreshingly... direct.
Clara Oswald: You can take the girl out of Blackpool...

"Robin Hood: Turk Flu (#1.5)" (2006)
Sheriff of Nottingham: [about the wailing women] How do they manage to hit the particular pitch that makes you want to pierce your eardrums with a stick? Never marry, Gisborne. Keep them at a distance like... a leper.

Sheriff of Nottingham: Forget the outlaws save the mine!
Robin Hood: [as he escapes] Never forget the outlaws!

"Robin Hood: A Good Day to Die (#2.12)" (2007)
Sheriff of Nottingham: Big mistake, Marian. *Big mistake.*

Sheriff of Nottingham: I told you I want Robin Hood's pretty little face on his pretty little head, attached to his pretty little body on a pretty big stake outside my castle!

"Robin Hood: Lardner's Ring (#2.9)" (2007)
Will Scarlett: You make me sick, you know that? Betraying your old friends. I hope you're enjoying that, Allan. I couldn't live with myself.
Sheriff of Nottingham: You won't have to for much longer.

The Fool: I'll make some predictions and then I'll make them come true. Someone in this room will bare their buttocks to the Sheriff tonight.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Take that man to the dungeons now.
The Fool: Look, hang on, prediction two. Sir Guy's joint will rise from the dead.
Guy of Gisborne: What's that supposed to mean?
The Fool: Your woodcock, sir Guy. I can bring it back to life.

"Robin Hood: The Tax Man Cometh (#1.6)" (2006)
Sheriff of Nottingham: Underneath all the haughty, there's quite a bit of naughty!

Abbess: Sir, you may be comfortable with godlessness. I am not.
Sheriff of Nottingham: I am comfortable with god-less-ness. In fact, I would hate to be god-lessness-less.

"The Adventures of Robin Hood: A Guest for the Gallows (#1.6)" (1955)
[first lines]
Soldier: Milord...
Sheriff of Nottingham: Yes?
Soldier: The tax collectors.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Send them in.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [to the collectors] Well, what sort of day have you had? Productive, I trust.
1st Tax Collector: I only wish your trust was better placed, milord. It's getting harder than ever to get the taxes out of them.

Little John: How do we know you will keep your promise?
Sheriff of Nottingham: My word as a Norman gentleman!
Little John: Nothing but that?

The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)
High Sheriff of Nottingham: I hope our little golden hook will catch the fish.
Prince John: You hope?
High Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh it will... if he's here.
Prince John: If he's not we'll stick your head upon the target and shoot at that.

Sir Guy of Gisbourne: Now that you've robbed us and had your fill of insulting us, we wish to leave. Come, Lady Marian.
Robin Hood: My own men will escort my Lady. But before you take leave of her, it might be as well if you thanked her for saving your life.
Sir Guy of Gisbourne: My life?
Robin Hood: Do you think you would've left this forest alive if it hadn't been for her presence here? Peter! Errol! Take six men guide our loyal host and his nervous friend to the Nottingham road.
High Sheriff of Nottingham: But our... our horses? Our... our clothes?
Robin Hood: You'll return to Nottingham as you are, on foot. This, Sir Guy, will at least be a lesson to you in humility if not in mercy. The rest of your people will be returned tomorrow.
Sir Guy of Gisbourne: But the Lady Marian?
Robin Hood: You'd best be started, before I've a change of mind.
[Robin's men draw their swords]
High Sheriff of Nottingham: [to Sir Guy] I think we'd better go!

"Rocket Robin Hood: The Time Machine (#1.2)" (1967)
[Both Rocket Robin Hood and Little John are handcuffed and chained to an overhead beam in the Sheriff's time machine]
Sheriff of N.O.T.T: Have you any idea, any idea of what you are trapped in?
Little John: I think it's a ladies hair dryer.
Rocket Robin Hood: Perhaps a machine for making escape keys?

"Maid Marian and Her Merry Men: Bouncy Sheriff (#4.2)" (1994)
The Sheriff: [the Sheriff has Walter's head in a vice and is twisting the wheel] Does this hurt?
Walter: No.
The Sheriff: How about this?
[Twists wheel with all his strength]
Walter: No.
The Sheriff: Oh, stupid thing, I don't know what's wrong with it.
Walter: [Straightens up and lifts the vice off his head] Let me have a look.
The Sheriff: It's not the bearings, is it?
Walter: I hope not, mate, for your sake. You're looking at a lot of money if it's the bearings.
Weasel: [Hanging on the wall] That's the 1136 model, isn't it? With the chrome secondary spike? It'll be the bearings, I'm telling you! They're renowned for it. He should have got the 1138!

"Maid Marian and Her Merry Men: Rabies in Love (#2.4)" (1990)
The Sheriff: She's only a girl. If she doesn't do what you tell her, just slap her round the back of the legs with a ruler.

"Maid Marian and Her Merry Men: The Big Baby (#3.1)" (1993)
The Sheriff: [singing] It's Bloopy Eve, the kids are in their beds / With anticipation buzzing 'round their heads / They've written out their Bloopy list, hung out the Bloopy stocking / And soon the man they love to love will get them all a-rockin'!
Peasants [group]: [singing] Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy! Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy!
Gary: [singing] Dry your eyes, don't look so droopy!
Graeme: [singing] Everybody wants to be his groupie!
The Sheriff: [singing] Super-duper-dupey, Father Bloopy!
Peasant 1: Where's he from?
The Sheriff: [singing] He lives far away in Bignose Land / With a hundred big-nosed boys / Who hammer away with their noses all day / To make all the Bloopy toys / And in his stable he has got / Sixteen hippopotamuses / And he harnesses them to a silver sleigh / 'Cause he doesn't like using buses
Peasants [group]: [singing] Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy! Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy!
Gary: [singing] Let's be gay, let's make some whoopee!
Graeme: [singing] Everybody wants to be his groupie!
The Sheriff: [singing] Super-duper-dupey, Father Bloopy!
Peasant 2: What's he do?
The Sheriff: [singing] He climbs right down your chimney stack / But if you haven't got one / He'll crawl out of a radiator valve / Unless it's a very hot one / Then his hippos will come and smash down your door / And if you've been good he will thrill you / All the good girls and boys, he gives presents and toys...
Gary: [singing] But if you've been bad, he will kill you!
Peasants [group]: [singing] Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy! Father Bloo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oopy!
Gary: [singing] Nice as pie...
Graeme: [singing] ... and cute as Snoopy!
The Sheriff: [singing] Everybody wants to be his groupie!
Peasants [group]: [singing] Super-duper-dupey, Father Bloopy!
The Sheriff: [singing] Big as a mountain / Round as 2p / Super-duper-dupey, Father Bloopy!

"When Things Were Rotten: A Ransom for Richard (#1.5)" (1975)
Sheriff of Nottingham: You are an hour early. You must be excited about spending the evening with us.
Robin Hood: Not really. I would sooner spend my evening talking to an English muffin...
Bertram: Toasted!
Robin Hood: ...however, we have more important things to do this night than to engage in worthless repartee with the royal jackal and his obedient cur.

"Robin Hood: The Return of the King (#1.12)" (2006)
[last lines]
Sheriff of Nottingham: Robin! Robin! Come out, come out, wherever you are.

The Story of Robin Hood and His Merrie Men (1952)
Sheriff of Nottingham: [Upon Robin's splitting his opponent's arrow] No! They are equal; have them shoot again!
Forester: You get yourself another archer. I can't beat a shot like that!

"Robin Hood: Something Worth Fighting For: Part 1 (#3.12)" (2009)
Blamire: My lord.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Blamire, you old tomcat. How the devil are you?
Blamire: The plan is in place.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Good. Oh, this will be so much fun.

"Robin Hood: Tattoo? What Tattoo? (#1.8)" (2006)
Sheriff of Nottingham: You have, shall we say, two days. Joke. *Two hours.*

"Robin Hood: Show Me the Money (#2.7)" (2007)
Sheriff of Nottingham: Sorry to rain on your parade, Hood.
Robin Hood: That's alright! *shooting bags of money in bird cage* Every cloud... has a silver lining!

"Maid Marian and Her Merry Men: How the Band Got Together (#1.1)" (1989)
Rabies: Raffle tickets! Who will buy a raffle ticket? Fabulous prizes!
The Sheriff: You, cretin! What are your fabulous prizes?
Rabies: A fabulous box of mud, 12 fabulous bottles of mud and a fortnight holiday for two.
The Sheriff: Where?
Rabies: In some mud.