Maxine Lund
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Quotes for
Maxine Lund (Character)
from Being John Malkovich (1999)

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Being John Malkovich (1999)
Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Maxine: Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Craig Schwartz: Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.
Maxine: Oh yeah? What's he been in?
Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before.
[Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window]

Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.
Maxine: You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!

Maxine: Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.

Maxine: Craig, I don't find you attractive, but Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am... but only when you're in Malkovich. When I was with him last night, I was looking into his eyes and could sense your feminine longing.

Craig Schwartz: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?
Maxine: Are you married?
Craig Schwartz: Yes, but enough about me.

[During sex]
John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte?
Maxine: Yeah, do you mind?
John Malkovich: No, not really.

Maxine: Have you ever had two people look at you, with complete lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?

Maxine: Tell me a little about yourself.
Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm a puppeteer...
Maxine: [turns to bartender] Check!

Craig Schwartz: If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.
Maxine: Why not?
Craig Schwartz: Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine?
Maxine: Yeah! Who told you?
Craig Schwartz: Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?

First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?
Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be?
Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually...
Maxine: You can be John Malkovich.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...
Maxine: Two hundred dollars.

Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.
Maxine: Yes?
Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something.
Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.

Maxine: Here's the thing: If you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.

Craig Schwartz: I like you, I don't know what it is about you.
Maxine: My tits?
Craig Schwartz: No! No, no, no.
Maxine: No?
Craig Schwartz: It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.
Maxine: You're not a fag, are you?
Craig Schwartz: No, I am really attracted to you.
Maxine: "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.
Craig Schwartz: No, no, I love your tits, love 'em, I wanna fondle 'em.
Maxine: Great, now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance.

Maxine: You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig, you play with dolls.

Craig Schwartz: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.
Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.

Maxine: Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.
John Malkovich: NO!
[Craig regains control]
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.

Craig Schwartz: Hi. Do you know that I don't even know your name, or where you work?
Maxine: Yeah.

[Answering the phone]
Maxine: J.M. Inc.: Be all that someone else can be.

Maxine: Meet me at the Stuck Pig... at eight o'clock. If you're late, I walk.