Dr. Simon Tam
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Quotes for
Dr. Simon Tam (Character)
from "Firefly" (2002)

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"Firefly: Serenity (#1.11)" (2002)
Zoë: You never heard of Reavers?
Simon: Uh, campfire stories - men gone savage on the edge of space, killing...
Zoë: They're not stories.
Simon: What happens if they board us?
Zoë: If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh and sew our skins into their clothing. And if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order.

Mal: Well, let's see what a man like you would kill for.
Simon: No, don't!
[Mal kicks open the cryochamber, and finds River Tam curled up inside]
Mal: [looks at Simon, then back at River] Huh!

Mal: Forget your toothpaste?
[punches Simon, he drops]
Simon: Are you out of your mind?
Mal: Eh, just about.

Jayne: [to Simon] Little Kaylee here just wishes you was a gynecologist.
[Jayne laughs]
Mal: Jayne, you will keep a civil tongue in that mouth, or I will sew it shut. Is there an understanding between us?
Jayne: You don't pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaylee gets lubed up over some big-city dandy doesn't mean...
Mal: Walk away from this table. Right now.
[Jayne loads his plate with food and leaves]
Simon: What *do* you pay him for?
Mal: What?
Simon: I was just wondering what his job is - on the ship.
Mal: Public relations.

Simon: [after Kaylee is shot] Can you move your feet?
Kaylee: Are you asking me to dance?

Simon: I am very smart. I went to the best Medacad in Osiris, top three percent of my class, finished my internship in eight months. "Gifted" is the term. So when I tell you that my little sister makes me look like an idiot child, I want you to understand my full meaning. River was more than gifted. She... she was a gift. Everything she did, music, math, theoretical physics - even-even dance - there was nothing that didn't come as naturally to her as breathing does to us. She could be a real... brat about it, too. I mean, she used to
[notices the looks on everyone's face; tries to get back to explaining]
Simon: There was a... a school... a, uh, a government-sponsored academy, we had never even heard of it but it had the most exciting program, the most challenging. We could have sent her anywhere, we had the money, but, she wanted to go. She wanted to learn. She was fourteen.
[thoughtful pause]
Simon: I, uh... I got a few letters at first, and then I didn't hear for months. Finally I got a letter that made no sense. She-she talked about things that never happened, jokes that-that we never... It was code. It just said... "They're hurting us. Get me out."
Zoë: How'd you do it?
Simon: Money. And-and luck. For two years, I couldn't get near her. Then I was contacted by some men, some underground movement. They-they said that she was in danger, that-that the government was... playing with her brain. If I funded them they could sneak her out in cryo, get her to Persephone, and from there, I could take her... wherever.
Zoë: Will she be alright?
Simon: I don't know if she'll be alright. I don't know what they did to her. Or why. I-I just need to keep her safe.

Simon: What business is that exactly?
[pause; Mal turns but doesn't answer]
Simon: I'm a dead man; I can't know? Is it gold?... Drugs? Pirate treasure? What is that makes you so afraid of the Alliance?
Mal: You don't want to go down this road with me, boy.
Simon: Oh, you're not afraid of them? I already know you'd sell me out to them for a pat on the head. Hell, you should probably be working for them. You certainly fit the profil...
[cut off as Mal punches him, knocks him into the wall and floor; Mal stands over him]
Jayne: [sounds cocky] Saw that comin'.

Simon: You don't have to worry about me.
Wash: [pause] Well, Zoe's out on a deal I always worry. So, it's not out of my way.

Mal: [on the 'lawman'] Comes time, someone's gonna have to deal with him. That should be you. But I don't think you've got the guts... And I know you don't have the time.
Simon: What do you mean?
Mal: [pause; face deadpan, voice serious/grave] Kaylee's dead.
[Simon doesn't react at first, then he looks a little shocked and afraid; as Mal turns and walks to the Bridge, Simon runs to the infirmary; sees Kaylee, quite alive; she waves at him]
Simon: [out of breath] That man's psychotic.
[on bridge, Mal, Jayne, Zoë, and Wash are laughing hysterically]
Wash: You are psychotic!
Mal: No! You shoulda seen his face. Oh, I'm a bad man.

River: [quietly] I didn't think you'd come for me.
Simon: [long pause; just as quiet] Well, you're a dummy.
[both smile briefly]

Simon: [after Mal says he could stay on the ship] I'm confused. No wait, I-I think maybe you're confused.

Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can... How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don't know me, son, so let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.
Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
Mal: I had a good day.
Simon: You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages... Half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded including yourself, and you're harboring known fugitives.
Mal: Well, we're still flying.
Simon: That's not much.
Mal: It's enough.

Simon: So does it happen a lot? Government commandeering your ship, telling you where to go?
Mal: That's what governments are for... get in a man's way.

[River wakes up screaming; looks around frantically; scrambles out of the box; cringes in fear, hyperventilating as Simon breaks loose from Jayne's grasp; cautiously approaches her]
Simon: R-River...
[River gasps]
Simon: Hey, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay... It's okay. I'm here.
River: [calms as recognition dawns on her] Simon.
[silence; starts breathing erratically and sounding frightened again]
River: Simon they-they talk to me. They want me to - They want me to...
Simon: No, they're gone.
[holding her face, sounds almost as afraid]
Simon: They're gone. They're gone. They're gone - We're safe now... We're safe. We're safe. I'm here.
[hugs her; whispers]
Simon: Come here.
[River still sobbing, hugs him tightly, as if afraid to let go]
Mal: What the hell is this?
Simon: [looks up, still holding a shaking River] This is my sister.

Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can... How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don't know me son, so let me explain this to you once. If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.

Dr. Simon Tam: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can: How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don't know me, son, so let me explain this to you once. If I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.

Dr. Simon Tam: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can. How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don't know me son, so I'll just explain this to you once. If I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.
Dr. Simon Tam: Are you always this sentimental?


"Firefly: Jaynestown (#1.4)" (2002)
Simon: Can I see a menu?
Bartender: A what?

Simon: My way of being polite or however it's... well, it's the only way I have of showing you that I like you. Of showing respect.
Kaylee: So, when we made love last night...
Simon: When we *what*?
Kaylee: [laughs] You really are such an easy mark.

Kaylee: Come on, admit it. It's true.
Simon: No, I won't, because it's not. I use swear-words, like anybody else.
Kaylee: Oh really? See, I never heard you. So when is it that you do all this cussin'? After I go to bed, or...
Simon: I swear... when it's appropriate
Kaylee: Simon, the whole point of swearin' is that it ain't appropriate.

Jayne: Listen, Mal, I was in Canton a few years back. I might have made me a few enemies thereabouts.
Simon: Enemies? You? No! How can it be?

Simon: Canton really stinks.
Mal: That's what makes it such a great drop point. No one comes here that doesn't have to.
Wash: I vote we do this job really, really fast.

[hearing the entire pub break out into Jayne's tribute song]
Simon: No... this must be what going mad feels like.

Simon: [drunk] You know, I've saved lives. Dozens. Maybe hundreds. I - I re-attatched a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.
Kaylee: [also drunk] Hamsters is nice.
Simon: To Jayne! The box dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.

[both drunk, Simon more than Kaylee]
Kaylee: You know, you are pretty funny.
Simon: You're pretty... pretty.

Simon: Mal, I, uh, uh... No, n-n-nothing happened. There was, uh, there was - there was some drinking, but, uh - No-no, we-we certainly didn't - I would never. Not with Kaylee.
Kaylee: What do you mean, not with me?
Mal: Yeah, uh-huh. Where's my hero?

Simon: What happened in here?
Jayne: Needed to find some tape.
Simon: So you had to tear my infirmary apart?
Jayne: Apparently.

Jayne: Mmm. They call it Mudder's Milk. All the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus fifteen percent alcohol.
Wash: It's horrific!
Simon: Worked for the Egyptians.
Jayne: What's that?
Simon: The ancient Egyptians, back on Earth-That-Was. It's not so different from the ancestral form of beer they fed to the slaves who built their pyramids. Liquid bread. Kept them from starving, and knocked them out at night, so they wouldn't be inclined to insurrection.
Kaylee: Wow, Simon. That's so... so historical.
Jayne: [to Simon] Tell me, Lil' Miss Big Words. You see a pyramid sittin' out there?
Simon: ...No.
Jayne: Neither do I. So here, let me pour you a big frosty mug of "shut-the-hell-up".

Dr. Simon Tam: This is what going mad must feel like.

Dr. Simon Tam: My god. You're like a trained ape. *Without* the training.

[Simon sees a statue of Jayne and realizes the town they are in idolizes him as a hero]
Simon: This must be what going mad feels like.
[later, after listening to a song about Jayne being a hero]
Simon: No, this must be what going mad feels like.

Simon: My God! You're like a trained ape!... Without the training!


"Firefly: Objects in Space (#1.10)" (2002)
Simon: Are you Alliance?
Jubal Early: Am I a lion?
Simon: What?
Jubal Early: I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well though, I have a mighty roar.
Simon: I said "Alliance."
Jubal Early: Oh, I thought...
Simon: No, I was...
Jubal Early: That's weird.

Jubal Early: All right, that's all the hide-and-seek I got time for. I know you're on this ship, little girl, so here's how this goes. You show yourself, we finish this exchange, or your brother's brains will be flying every which-a-way. You understand, I'm sort of on the clock here. It's frustrating.
River: You're wrong, Early.
Jubal Early: I'm not wrong, dumpling, I will shoot your brother dead if you don't...
River: Wrong about River. River's not on the ship. They didn't want her here, but she couldn't make herself to leave. So she melted. Melted away. They didn't know she could do that, but she did.
Jubal Early: I'm not sure I take your meaning there.
River: I'm not on the ship. I'm in the ship. I am the ship.
Simon: River...
River: River's gone.
Jubal Early: Then who exactly are we talking to?
River: You're talking to "Serenity." And Early, "Serenity" is very unhappy.

Jubal Early: I only hurt people because they keep getting in the way of me finding you. Tell her.
Simon: What am I? Your advocate?
Jubal Early: You are starting now.
Simon: He's really very... gentle... and fuzzy. We're becoming fast friends.
[River laughs]
Jubal Early: You folks are all insane.
Simon: Well, my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

[River's voice is gone]
Jubal Early: Where'd she go?
Simon: I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a spaceship. Don't look at me.

Simon: I don't think my last act in this verse is gonna be betraying my sister.
Jubal Early: You're gonna help me. 'Cause every second you're with me is a chance to turn the tables, get the better of me. Maybe you'll find your moment. Maybe I'll slip. Or, you refuse to help me, I shoot your brain out, and I go upstairs and spend some time violating the little mechanic I got trussed up in the engine room. I take no pleasure in the thought, but she will die, weeping, if you cross me.
Simon: You're out of your mind.
Jubal Early: That's between me and my mind. Let's start with these rooms.

Simon: Uh, her-her medications are erratic. There's - there's not one that her system can't eventually break down, and...
Mal: When I want a lot of medical jargon I'll talk to a doctor.
Simon: You are talking to a doctor.

River: I don't belong... dangerous like you. Can't be controlled... can't be trusted. Everyone could just go on without me and not have to worry. People could be who they wanted to be, could be with the people they wanted. Live simple. No secrets.
Simon: No...
River: I'll be fine. I'll be your bounty, Jubal Early. And I'll just fade away.

Jubal Early: You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport. Yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?
Dr. Simon Tam: What'd he do?
Jubal Early: Who?
Dr. Simon Tam: The midget.
Jubal Early: Arson. The little man loved fire.

Dr. Simon Tam: Come on out, River. The nice man wants to kidnap you.
Jubal Early: Shhh.

Jubal Early: Your sister's becoming a real annoyance.
Simon: I feel for you.

Jubal Early: Where's your sister?
Dr. Simon Tam: I don't know. Who do you work for?
Jubal Early: This is her room.
Dr. Simon Tam: Yes.
Jubal Early: It's empty.
Dr. Simon Tam: I know.
Jubal Early: So is it still a room when it's empty? Does the room, the thing, have purpose? Or do we - what's the word?
Dr. Simon Tam: I really can't help you.
Jubal Early: The plan's to take your sister; get the reward, which is substantial - "imbue", that's the word.
Dr. Simon Tam: So you're a bounty hunter.
Jubal Early: No, that ain't it at all.
Dr. Simon Tam: Then what are you?
Jubal Early: I'm a bounty hunter.

Jubal Early: You folks are all insane.
Dr. Simon Tam: Well, my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

Jubal Early: You ever been shot?
Simon: No.
Jubal Early: You oughta be shot. Or stabbed, lose a leg. To be a surgeon, you know? Know what kind of pain you're dealing with. They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get certified, but they don't make a surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you?

Simon: To the left. Your left. Okay, now, very gently, pull that aside.
Zoë: This is really not my area of expertise, Doctor. I tend to be putting these into people more than the other thing.

Kaylee: You couldn't possibly!
Dr. Simon Tam: No, I wish I was lying. I just - you know, we'd all ust made surgeon. That was it. We were the elite. The world was ours, you know?
Kaylee: So - so you had to be naked?
Dr. Simon Tam: Naked, yes. And, uh, on top of the statue of Hippocrates. Can you just picture me?
Kaylee: What, naked? Oh, well, hmm. Let's see. I'm gonna have to conjure up, uh yeah, that's - that's gonna be difficult.
[laughing]
Kaylee: So, did the Feds come?
Dr. Simon Tam: Mm. There were no Feds. Until I started singing.
Kaylee: [laughs] Oh, no.
Dr. Simon Tam: No, this - this is not funny. This is a morality tale about the evils of sake.
[Sees River, his thoughts are heard]
Dr. Simon Tam: I would be there right now.
[Speaking and laughing again]
Dr. Simon Tam: I mean, it was - it was - it was either - it was either that or National Anthem. I - reports vary.
Kaylee: You don't remember any of this?
Dr. Simon Tam: I remember talking the Feds out of telling my father. Or - or paying the Feds out telling my father. I get fuzzy on aspects.


"Firefly: Safe (#1.7)" (2002)
[Simon has taken River out to a shop and she keeps touching everything]
Dr. Simon Tam: River, b- uh, be careful with that, that's, um... What is that?
Kaylee Frye: That's a post holer. You dig holes. For posts.
Dr. Simon Tam: It's, uh, it's dirty and sharp.

River Tam: Ruby doesn't talk. Her voice got scared away.
[gets distracted and smiles]
River Tam: I hear crickets.
Doralee: I don't understand. If Ruby didn't talk, how do you know...?
Dr. Simon Tam: Um, uh, my sister's... she-she's very good at- What's wrong?
Doralee: "And they shall be among the people, and they shall speak truths and whisper secrets, and you will know them by their crafts."
Dr. Simon Tam: What are you talking about?
Doralee: "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."

River Tam: I remember everything. I remember too much. And some of it's made up, and some of it can't be quantified, and there's secrets, and...
Simon: Hey, i-it's okay.
River Tam: But, I understand. You gave up everything you had to find me. You found me broken. It's hard for you. You gave up everything you had.
Simon: Mei-mei, everything I have is right here.

Simon: Captain, why did you come back for us?
Mal: You're on my crew.
Simon: Yeah, but you don't even like me. Why'd you come back?
Mal: You're on my crew. Why we still talking about this?

Simon: So, finally a decent wound on this ship and I miss out. I'm sorry.
Mal: Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.

Patron: [River is about to be burned at the stake] This is a holy cleansing. You cannot think to thwart God's will.
Mal: Y'all see the man hangin' out of the spaceship with the really big gun? I'm not saying you weren't easy to find, but it was kind of out of our way and he didn't wanna come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting.
Mal: [to Simon] Gotta say, Doctor, your talent for alienatin' folks is near miraculous.
Simon: Yes, I'm very proud.
Mal: [about River] Cut her down.
Patron: The girl is a witch.
Mal: Yeah, but she's our witch.
[Cocks shotgun and aims at Town Patron]
Mal: So cut her the hell down.

Dr. Simon Tam: Why'd you come back for us?
Mal: You're on my crew.
Dr. Simon Tam: But you don't even like me. Why'd you come back?
Mal: You're on my crew. Why are we still talking about this?

Gabriel Tam: I had to leave your mother at the dinner table!
Dr. Simon Tam: I'm sorry dad. You know I would never have tried to save River's life if I had known there was a dinner party at risk.

Gabriel Tam: [after young Simon swears in Chinese] Language, young man.
Young Simon: Sorry, Dad. The Independents attacked us with dinosaurs.
Young River: Simon lost his head in the heat of battle.
Gabriel Tam: [Chuckles and says something in Chinese] Because there were dinosaurs involved, I think we'll let it slide.


"Firefly: Ariel (#1.8)" (2002)
Simon: This is the recovery ward. This is where patients come to get better.
River: They're going to die.
Simon: No one is going to die.
River: [points] He is.

Wash: So... two days in a hospital. That's awful. Don't you just hate doctors?
Simon: Hey.
Wash: I mean, present company excluded.
Jayne: Let's not be excluding people. That'd be rude.

Agent McGinnis: Get up.
Simon: What's going to happen to us?
Agent McGinnis: I said, "Get up."
Simon: Agent McGinnis, I'm certain you're working under a superior who's keeping close tabs on this case. I'm certain of that because important people don't do fieldwork. I'm also quite certain your superior wants me and my sister alive. Now, I'm not going to move from this spot until one of two things happens: You answer my very simple question, or you shoot me.
Agent McGinnis: [coldly] We are transferring you to a holding area until you can be retrieved.
Simon: Retrieved. By whom?
Agent McGinnis: People who want you alive. People not me.

Mal: Now all we need are a couple of patients.
Dr. Simon Tam: Corpses, actually. For this to work, River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: Huh. I'm startin' to like this plan.

[Jayne spits on his whetstone]
Simon: Could you not do that while we're - ever?
[Jayne spits on stone again]

[Simon prepares some bad rice]
River: I don't want it.
Simon: River, you have to eat. It's good. It tastes like...
[Simon samples rice and grimaces]
Simon: It's good.
Jayne: It smells like crotch.

Simon: Do you remember why we went to the hospital?
River: Is it time to go to sleep again?
Simon: No, mei-mei. It's time to wake up.

Simon: [seeing the others dressed as hospital personnel] Well, if I didn't know better I'd say you all were ready to save some lives.

[Simon examines River with the neuro-imager]
Simon: They opened up her skull. That's a scalpel scar, they, they opened up her skull and they cut into her *brain*.
Jayne: Why?
Simon: The only reason to make an incision in someone's brain is to lobotomize them, to go in and remove damaged tissue. Why anyone would cut into a healthy brain, is...
[he looks further]
Simon: [horrified] They did it over... and over. They stripped her amygdala.
Jayne: Her what?
Simon: You know uh, you know how you get... scared, or, or worried or nervous when you don't want to be scared or worried or nervous; you push it to the back of your mind, you try not to think about it. Your amygdala is what lets you do that, it's like a, a filter in your brain that keeps your feelings in check... She feels *everything*, she can't not.


"Firefly: Bushwhacked (#1.2)" (2002)
Dr. Simon Tam: [talking about River] I don't know if I'll be able to help her here; and I need to help her.
Inara Serra: Simon, you are. Leaving your whole world behind? That's incredibly selfless.
Dr. Simon Tam: Yeah. I *selflessly* turned us both into wanted fugitives.

Mal: [on the bridge; all looking at the ship that set of the proximity alarm]
Mal: Bring us in a little closer.
Wash: Get you close enough to ring the doorbell.
Dr. Simon Tam: What is it?
[standing in the doorway, completely out of sight; softly, as if talking to herself]
River Tam: It's a ghost.
[half smiles briefly]

Dr. Simon Tam: [as Simon watches Mal and Zoe put on space suits]
Jayne: Somethin' wrong?
Dr. Simon Tam: [distractedly] Hmm. Oh. No. No, I... Well I suppose it's just the thought of a little..Mylar and glass being the only thing seperating a person from...nothing.
Jayne: It's impressive what "nothing" can do to a man. Like that feller we bumped into. He's likely stuck up under our belly about now.

Dr. Simon Tam: [River's sitting up in bed, face hidden in her hair & hands; panting & sobbing softly]
Dr. Simon Tam: Bad dreams again?
River Tam: No I - I can't sleep. There's too much screaming.
Dr. Simon Tam: [pause, River still sobbing; sounds slightly worried] River, there is - there is no screaming
River Tam: [looking straight at him; whispers] There was.

[upon seeing the Survivor, who attacked Jayne earlier]
Dr. Simon Tam: [sarcastically] Oh, yes. He's a real beast! It's a wonder you're still alive.
Jayne: Looked bigger when I couldn't see 'im.

The Survivor: [in the infirmiry; grunting, panting] Cattle. Cattle for the slaughter.
[Mal follows his line of sight; realizes, with horror, he's looking at Kaylee and Inara]
Mal: Dope him.
Dr. Simon Tam: [having missed what Mal saw] I don't think that-
Mal: Just do it!
The Survivor: No mercy. No resistance.
[Simon gets a syringe; the Survivor grabs his arm as he injects the medication & looks him straight in the eye]
The Survivor: Open up. See..what's inside.
[Simon removes the Survivor's hand; he relaxes but continues muttering softly]

Inara Serra: [Watching the rest of the crew playing a game] Who's winning?
Dr. Simon Tam: I can't tell. They don't seem to be playing by any civilized rules that I know.
Inara Serra: Well, we're pretty far from civilization.

Dr. Simon Tam: [When River enters the abandoned ship] River! What are you...?
River Tam: I followed the voices.

Mal: All right, no one goes in here. Nothing more we can do for him now, not after what he's seen.
Dr. Simon Tam: What do you mean?
Mal: That ship was hit by Reavers.


"Firefly: War Stories (#1.9)" (2002)
Simon: I never - never shot anyone before.
Book: I was there, son. I'm fair sure you haven't shot anyone yet.

Book: I'd forgotten, you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?
Simon: No... but I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist.

Simon: Sadistic crap legitimized by florid prose. Tell me you're not a fan.

Simon: Did you do anything today?
River Tam: Played with Kaylee. The sun came out, and I walked on my feet and heard with my ears. I hate the bits, the bits that stay down and I work, I f-function like I'm a girl. I hate it because I know it'll go away! The sun grows dark and chaos has come again. It's... fluids. What am I?
Simon: You are my beautiful sister.
River Tam: I-I threw up on your bed.
Simon: Yep. Definitely my sister.

Zoë Washburne: [Returning from an unsuccessful mission to rescue Mal from Niska, who plans to torture him to death, and handing a bloody packet to Dr. Tam] Take that to the infirmary and put it on ice.
Kaylee Frye: What is it?
Dr. Simon Tam: [Opens the packet] It's his ear.
Zoë Washburne: We're gonna get him BACK!
Jayne Cobb: Whattya gonna do, clone him?

Book: Did you ever read the works of Shan Yu ?
Simon: Shan Yu the psychotic dictator ?
Book: Yep. Fancied himself quite the warrior poet. Wrote volumes on war, torture, the limits of human endurance.
Simon: That's nice.


"Firefly: The Message (#1.14)" (2003)
Simon: This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at-at talking to girls.
Zoë: Why, is there someone you *are* good at talkin' to?

Simon: And your eyes are...
Kaylee: Yeah, eyes, yeah?

Simon: [to Kaylee] You manage to find the bright side of every single thing.

Simon: Captain, I don't mean to
[walks to Tracey with stethoscope]
Simon: ... We may have a medical emergency here. This man appears to be in cardiac arrest.
Mal: What? Tracey, you havin' a heart attack? Don't look like he's havin' a heart attack.

Simon: [looking at the "alien"] Yep. It's a cow fetus.


"Firefly: The Train Job (#1.1)" (2002)
Simon: [looking at Mal's swollen knuckles] I expect there's someone's face feels differently.
Mal: Well, they tell ya, 'Never hit a man with a closed fist.' But it is, on occasion, hilarious.
Simon: Hmm. I suppose so.

Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til ya understand who's in ruttin' command here. Now we're finishing this deal,
[breathing becomes a little more labored]
Jayne: and then maybe, *maybe* we'll come back for those morons who got themselves caught. You can't change that by getting all... bendy.
Wash: All what?
Jayne: [starts swaying] You've got the - the light from the console... keep you, lift you up. They shine like...
[starts grabbing at the air like he's trying to catch something]
Jayne: little angels...
[Jayne falls flat on his face]
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.

Simon: So, what are we doing?
Kaylee: [looks up] Oh, crime.
Simon: Crime! Good! Okay! Crime.
Kaylee: It's a train heist. See we fly over the train car, the captain and Zoë sneak in, we lower Jayne onto the car, and they bundle up the booty, and we haul 'em all back up. Easy as lyin'.
Simon: So you've done this before?
Kaylee: [laughs] Oh, hell no.
[serious]
Kaylee: But I think it's gonna work.


"Firefly: Trash (#1.13)" (2003)
Simon: You're in a dangerous line of work, Jayne. Odds are you'll be under my knife again, often. So I want you to understand one thing very clearly: No matter what you do or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us, I will never, ever harm you. You're on this table, you're safe... 'cause I'm your medic. And however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done, I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same. 'Cause I don't see this working any other way.
[exits]
River: Also, I can kill you with my brain.

Jayne: Well, as a rule, I say girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
River: Jayne is a girl's name.
Jayne: Well, Jayne ain't a girl! If she starts in on that girl's name thing, I'll show her good and all I got man parts.
Simon: I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just... It's not coming.

Jayne: That's crazy talk.
Simon: Then let's talk crazy.


"Firefly: Out of Gas (#1.5)" (2002)
Kaylee: Well, Shepherd told us a funny story about being a preacher. Now you tell us a funny story about being a doctor.
Dr. Simon Tam: Ah, a funny story.
Jayne: Yeah, cus sick people are hi-lar-ious.

Dr. Simon Tam: Always thought the name Serenity had a vaguely funereal sound to it.
Inara: I love this ship. I have from the first moment I saw it.
Dr. Simon Tam: I just don't wanna die on it.
Inara: I don't wanna die at all.
Dr. Simon Tam: Suffocation's not exactly the most dignified way to go. The human body will...
Inara: [cutting him off] Please, I don't really require a clinical description right now.
Dr. Simon Tam: I'm sorry. I'm just... It was my birthday.

Mal: I thought I ordered you all off the ship. I call you back?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: No, Mal, you didn't.
Zoë Washburne: I take full responsibility, Cap'n.
Dr. Simon Tam: The decision saved your life.
Zoë Washburne: Won't happen again, sir.
Mal: Good. And, thanks, I'm grateful.
Zoë Washburne: It was my pleasure, sir.


"Firefly: Shindig (#1.6)" (2002)
Jayne: What we need's a diversion. I say Zoë gets nekked.
Wash: Nope.
Jayne: I could get nekked.
Wash, Dr. Simon Tam: No!

Dr. Simon Tam: The Captain's a good fighter, he must know how to handle a sword.
Zoë: I think he knows which end to hold.


"Firefly: Heart of Gold (#1.12)" (2003)
Simon: [looking to change a subject] Isn't there a pregnant woman I'm to examine?

Inara Serra: How many babies have you actually delivered?
Simon: As the primary? This would be the first. You?
Inara Serra: My first too.
River: Mine too.


"Firefly: Our Mrs. Reynolds (#1.3)" (2002)
River: [in a deleted scene, to Shepherd Book] We want you to marry us.
Simon: What? We... no!
[pause]
Simon: What?
River: Two by two. Everyone has a match, a mate, a dopple. I love you.
Simon: No, River... mei-mei... of course, I love you too, but we can't be married.
[to Shepherd Book]
Simon: She's really crazy!
Simon: [River kicks Simon in the shin] Ow! Ah, no, I - I don't mean crazy... that's just - you know that's not something brothers and sisters do. I mean, on some planets, but only pretty bad ones.