Captain Malcolm 'Mal' Reynolds
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Quotes for
Captain Malcolm 'Mal' Reynolds (Character)
from "Firefly" (2002)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Serenity (2005)
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: This landing is gonna get pretty interesting.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Define "interesting".
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: [deadpan] Oh God, oh God, we're all going to die?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: What are you doing?
Inara Serra: I'm praying for you Mal.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [after landing on Miranda] Well, something sure the hell ain't right.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Half of writing history is hiding the truth.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Come a day there won't be room for naughty men like us to slip about at all. This job goes south, there well may not be another. So here is us, on the raggedy edge. Don't push me, and I won't push you. Dong le ma?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [to Inara] But you fog things up! You always have. You spin me about. I wish like hell you were elsewhere.
Inara Serra: [sighs] I was.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You all wanna be looking very intently at your own belly buttons. I see a head start to rise, violence is going to ensue. Probably guessed we mean to be thieving here but what we're after is not yours. So, let's have no undue fussing.

Fanty: Do you know that girl?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I really don't.

The Operative: There are a lot of innocent people being killed in the air right now.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You have no idea how true that is.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You had a gorram time bomb living with us! Who we gonna find in there when she wakes up? The girl? Or the weapon?
Dr. Simon Tam: I thought she was getting better.
Jayne Cobb: And I thought they was getting off. Didn't we have an intricate plan on how they was gonna be not here any more?
Kaylee Frye: We couldn't leave them now.
Jayne Cobb: No, now that she's a killer woman, we ought to be bringing her tea and dumplings.

The Operative: I already know you will not see reason.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: The Alliance wanted to show me reason, they shouldn't have sent an assassin.
The Operative: I have a warship in deep orbit, Captain. We locked onto Serenity's pulse beacon the moment you hit atmo. I can speak a word and send a missile to that exact location inside of three minutes.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You do that, you'd best make peace with your dear and fluffy lord.
[Mal tosses mechanism at the Operative]
The Operative: [catching the mechanism] Pulse beacon.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I didn't start this.
Jayne Cobb: No, that's right. Alliance starts the war, and then you volunteer. Battle of Serenity, Mal. Besides Zoe here, how many...
[Mal turns to walk away]
Jayne Cobb: Hey, I'm talking at you! How many men in your platoon came out of there alive?
Zoë: You wanna leave this room.
Jayne Cobb: Damn right, I do.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: This is how it is. Anybody doesn't wanna fly with me any more, this is your port of harbor. There's a lot of fine ways to die. I ain't waiting for the Alliance to choose mine.
[shoots Alliance soldier crawling from wreckage]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I mean to confound these bungers. Take my shot at getting to Miranda. Maybe find something I can use to get clear of this. So I hear a word out of any of you that ain't helping me out or taking your leave, I will shoot you down. Get to work!

Zoë: It's a fair bet the Alliance knows about Mr. Universe. They're gonna see this coming.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: No. They're not going to see this coming.

[Deleted scene]
The Operative: Serenity... you lost everything in that battle. Everything you had, everything you were. How did you go on?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: If you're still standing there when that engine starts, you never will figure it out.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [RE: What they found on Miranda] This record here's about twelve years old. Parliament buried it and it stayed buried until River here dug it up. This is what they were afraid she knew. And they were right to fear. There's a universe of folk who're gonna know it, too. Someone *has to* speak for these people.
[pause]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Y'all got on this boat for different reasons, but y'all come to the same place. So now I'm asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. Sure as I know anything, I know this - they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, ten? They'll swing back to the belief that they can make people... better. And I do not hold to that. So no more runnin'. I aim to misbehave.

Inara Serra: Mal, what are you doing here?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You invited me.
Inara Serra: I never thought for a second you'd be stupid enough to come!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Well that makes you a tease.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Ah, hell, Shepherd, I ain't looking for help from on high. That's a long wait for a train don't come.
Shepherd Book: Why when I talk about belief, why do you always assume I'm talking about God?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [after getting punched by Simon] I'm a hairsbreadth from riddlin' you with holes, Doctor!

The Operative: I'm sorry. If your quarry goes to ground, leave no ground to go to. You should have taken my offer. Or did you think none of this was your fault?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I don't murder children.
The Operative: I do. If I have to.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Why? Do you even know why they sent you?
The Operative: It's not my place to ask. I believe in something greater than myself. A better world. A world without sin.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: So me and mine gotta lay down and die... so you can live in your better world?
The Operative: I'm not going to live there. There's no place for me there... any more than there is for you. Malcolm... I'm a monster.What I do is evil. I have no illusions about it, but it must be done.

Trade Agent: You all are Browncoats, eh? Fought for independence? Petty thieving ain't exactly soldiers' work.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: War's long done. We're all just folk now.

The Operative: That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. She is an albatross, Captain.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Way I remember it, albatross was a ship's good luck, 'til some idiot killed it.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [to Inara] Yes, I've read a poem. Try not to faint.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [the Operative has politely asked Mal to return River] You have to open with payment.
The Operative: That is a trap. I offer money, you'll play the man of honor and take umbrage; I ask you to do what is right and you'll play the brigand. I have no stomach for games.

[last lines]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: What was that?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Kaylee, what in the sphincter of hell are you playing at? We got the primary buffer panel coming right...
Kaylee Frye: Everything's shiny, Cap'n. Not to fret.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You told me those entry couplings would hold for another week!
Kaylee Frye: That was six months ago, Cap'n.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: My ship don't crash. If she crashes, you crashed her.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: It should have been me that got hit.
Shepherd Book: The thought... had crossed my mind.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I look to be bored by many more sermons before you slip. Just don't move.
Shepherd Book: Can't order me around, boy. I'm not one of your crew.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Yes, you are.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: But it ain't all buttons and charts, little albatross. You know what the first rule of flying is? Well, I suppose you do, since you already know what I'm about to say.
River Tam: I do. But I like to hear you say it.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Love. You can learn all the math in the 'Verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turning of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens. Makes her a home.
River Tam: Storm's getting worse.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: We'll pass through it soon enough.

[preparing for heist]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Hey, little one. Understand your part in all this?
River Tam: Do you?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: It's what I do, darlin'.
[River walks away]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: It's what I do.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I know she meant to kill me 'fore the Doc put her to sleep, which how exactly does that work anyhow?
Dr. Simon Tam: Safeword. The people who helped me break River out - they had intel that River and the other subjects were being embedded with behavioral conditioning. They taught me a safeword, in case... something happened.
Kaylee Frye: Not sure I get it.
Dr. Simon Tam: A phrase that's encoded in her brain, that makes her fall asleep. If I speak the words, "Eta...
Jayne Cobb: Well don't say it!
Zoë: It only works on her, Jayne.
Jayne Cobb: Oh... Well, now I know that.

Jayne Cobb: We're gonna explode? I don't wanna explode!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Jayne, how many weapons you plan on bringing? You only got the two arms.
Jayne Cobb: I just get excitable as to choice- like to have my options open.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I don't plan on any shooting taking place during this job.
Jayne Cobb: Well, what you plan and what takes place ain't ever exactly been similar.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: No grenades.
[Jayne groans]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: No grenades!
Zoë: We crashin' again?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Go talk to your husband. Is the mule prepped?
Zoë: Good to go sir. Just loading her up. Are those grenades?
Jayne Cobb: Cap'n doesn't want them.
Zoë: We're robbing the place, we're not occupying it.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: They take you down, I don't expect to grieve overmuch. Like to kill you myself, I see you again.
The Operative: You won't...
[small, grim smile]
The Operative: There is nothing left to see.

Inara Serra: You came to the Training House looking for a fight.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I came looking for you!
Inara Serra: The war's over, Mal.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You tellin' me that cause you think I don't know?
Inara Serra: I've just seen so many sides of you, I wanna make sure I know who I'm dealing with.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I start fightin' a war, I guarantee, you'll see somethin' new.

[chased by a Reaver aircraft]
Jayne Cobb: How come they ain't blowin' us out the air?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: They wanna run us down. The up-close kill.
River Tam: They want us alive when they eat us.

The Operative: I want to resolve this like civilized men. I'm not threatening you. I'm unarmed.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Good.
[pulls gun and shoots Operative in the chest, knocking him into the wall, grabs Inara and gets ready to leave]
The Operative: [grabs Mal from behind] I am, however, wearing full body armor. I am not a moron!

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [shouting down into the vault] We're coming down to empty the vault now!
Vault Guard: [calling back up] You'll have to give me your authorization password!
[Jayne fires a burst from his automatic rifle]
Vault Guard: Uh... okay!

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I've staked my crew's life on the theory that you're a person, actual and whole, and if I'm wrong, you'd best shoot me now...
[River cocks the gun she is pointing at Mal]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Or, we could talk more.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [on the ship's intercom] This is the captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then - explode.

Kaylee Frye: Have faith, Captain!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Not today.

The Operative: You're fighting a war you've already lost.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Yeah, well, I'm known for that.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Just get us on the ground!
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: That part'll happen pretty definitely.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [about protective goggles] Fine, I'll wear 'em. But I'll look like an idiot.
Zoë: I should think you'd be used to that, sir.

Zoë: So... trap?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Trap.
Zoë: We goin' in?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Ain't but a few hours out.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: Yeah, but... remember the part where it's a trap?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Faster! Faster! Faster would be better!

The Operative: It's worse than you know.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: It usually is.

Mr. Universe: [Watching the video feed of River fighting in the Maidenhead] And, she falls asleep. Which, she would be sleepy.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Can you go back? See if anybody spoke with her before she acted up... made any kind of contact with her.
River Tam: [On video] Miranda...
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Miranda? Go back further.
Mr. Universe: [Watching Oaty Bar commercial] No...
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Uh... please?
Mr. Universe: Oh, Mal, you're very smart. Someone is talking to her.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: The oaty bar?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Subliminal. It's a subliminal message, broadwaved to trigger her.
Mr. Universe: I've been seeing this code pop up all over, the last few weeks. It's Alliance, and it's high military.
[pause]
Mr. Universe: They have gone to enormous trouble to find your little friend... and found her they have. Do you all know what it is you're carrying?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Do you want to run this ship?
Jayne Cobb: Yes!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [caught off guard] Well... you can't...

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket...

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [greeting the twins] Fanty. Mingo.
Mingo: He's Mingo.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: He's Fanty. You're Mingo.
Mingo: How is it you always know?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Fanty's prettier.

The Operative: Are you willing to die for your beliefs?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I am...
[they draw. Mal fires first, and the Operative is forced to take cover]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: 'Course, that ain't exactly plan A.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: What in the hell happened back there?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a 90-pound girl 'cause... I don't think that's ever getting old.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I'll take the shuttle in closer. Zoe, ship is yours. Remember, if anything happens to me, or you don't hear from me within the hour... you take this ship and you come and you rescue me.
Zoë: What? And risk my ship?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I mean it. It's cold out there. I don't wanna get left.

[Mal suspects Inara is being forced to lure them into a trap]
Kaylee Frye: But how can you be sure Inara don't just want to see you? Sometimes people have feelings. I'm referring here to people.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Y'all were watching I take it?
Kaylee Frye: Yes?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Did you see us fight?
Kaylee Frye: No.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Trap.

Kaylee Frye: Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Oh, God! I can't *know* that!
Jayne Cobb: I could stand to hear a little more.

Inara Serra: I'm fine! I'm... giddy.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Ya know, for a woman schooled in telling men what they want to hear, you ain't much of a liar.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You think she'll hold together?
Zoë: She's torn up plenty, but she'll fly true.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Could be bumpy.
Zoë: Always is.

The Operative: Do you know what your sin is Mal?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Ah Hell... I'm a fan of all seven. But right now... I'm gonna have to go with wrath.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: It's of interest to me how much you seem to know about that world.
Shepherd Book: I wasn't born a shepherd, Mal.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You have to tell me about that sometime.
Shepherd Book: [pause] No, I don't.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: We're going to need paint. We're going to need red paint.

Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: It's okay, I'm a leaf on the wind!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: What does that mean?

Zoë: In the time of war, we would never have left a man behind.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Maybe that's why we lost.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: So I'm noticing. Is there a problem we don't know of?
[pause]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You got a sweet take kissing your foot. How about you take your 25% and we can talk about the next job?
Fanty: Well our end is forty, precious.
Jayne Cobb: My muscular buttocks it's forty.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Bit of a rockety ride. Nothing to worry about.
Dr. Simon Tam: I'm not worried.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [mocking Simon's seriousness] Fear's nothing to be ashamed of, Doctor.
Dr. Simon Tam: This isn't fear. This is anger.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Well, kinda hard to tell one from t'other, face like yours.
Dr. Simon Tam: Yes, well, I imagine if it were fear, my eyes would be wider.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I'll look for that next time.

Kaylee Frye: [to Simon who wasn't on the mission that the captain and others just got back from] Are you ok?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Is *he* OK?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Doctor, I'm takin' your sister under my protection here. If anything happens to her, anything at all, I swear to you, I will get very choked up. Honestly, there could be tears.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Ready to get off this heap, back to civilized life?
Inara Serra: I, uh... I don't know.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Good answer.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: The leg is good. It'll bleed plenty and we avoid any unnecessary organs.
Vault Guard: I was thinking more of a graze.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: No. You don't want it to look like you just gave up.
Vault Guard: No. I get that!

Jayne Cobb: [as Mal's talking to the Vault Guard] MAL!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Every heist he's gotta start yellin' my name!

Kaylee Frye: If you had a care for anybody's heart...
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You knew he was gonna leave. We never been nothing but a way station to those two. And how the hell do you know what he feels? He's got River to worry on, but he still could've shown you. If I truly wanted someone bad enough, wouldn't be a thing in the 'verse that could stop me from going to her.
Kaylee Frye: [nods disbelievingly] Tell that to Inara!

Fanty: [watching River fighting in a bar] Do you know that girl?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I really don't.

Dr. Simon Tam: [referring to River] One simple job. She'll be fine.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: She is fine! Except for still being crazy! She's the picture of health.

Inara Serra: You came to the training house looking for a fight.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I came looking for you.
Inara Serra: I just want to know who I'm dealing with. I've seen too many versions of you to be sure.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [moves closer to Inara] I start fighting a war. I guarantee you'll see something new.

Zoë: [the elevator opens] Sir?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: It's done.
[looks at his crew notices River's missing]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Report. River?
[pause then the hold door opens. River's standing with weapons in hand and dead Reavers all around her]

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [leading the Reaver fleet straight into the Alliance's, and caught in the middle, trying to get to Mr. Universe] The chicken's come home to roost.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I've never credited the Alliance with an overabundance of brains and if you're the best they've got...

Shepherd Book: [dying] I killed the ship that killed us. Not very Christian.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You did what was right.
Shepherd Book: Coming from you that means - almost nothing.
[grin]

Shepherd Book: It's not your way, Mal.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I have a way? Is that better than a plan?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: This is exactly what I didn't want. I wanted simple, I wanted in-and-out, I wanted easy money.
Zoë: Things always get a little more complicated, don't they, sir?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Once, just once, I want things to go according to the gorram plan!

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse... but you take a boat in the air that you don't love... she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down... tells you she's hurting before she keels. Makes her a home.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I got no answers for you, Inara. I got no rudder. Wind blows northerly, I go north. That's who I am. Now, maybe that ain't a man to lead, but they have to follow. So you wanna tear me down... do it inside your own mind. I'm not trying to tear you down. But you fog things up. You always have. You spin me about. I wish like hell you was elsewhere.
Inara Serra: I was.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [First lines, camera pans around Serenity in re-entry and a panel flies off the nose] What aws that?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: Did you see that?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Was that the primary buffer panel?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: It did seem to resemble...
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Did the primary buffer panel just fall off my gorram ship for no apparent reason?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: [Checks his instruments] Looks like.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I thought Kaylee checked the entry couplings. I've a very clear recollection of it.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: Well, if she doesn't get us some extra flow from the engine room to offset the burn-through, this landing is gonna get pretty interesting.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Define "interesting."
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: [Deadpan] Oh God, oh God, we're all gonna die.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [Grabs PA microphone] This is the captain. We're having a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then... explode.
[Hangs up microphone]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Can you shave the vector?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: I'm doing it, it's not enough.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Well, just get us on the ground.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: That part'll happen pretty definitely.


"Firefly: Serenity (#1.11)" (2002)
Mal: [to his men, after an explosion knocks half of them down] Just focus! The Alliance said they were gonna waltz through Serenity Valley. And we choked 'em with those words. We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty. Just a little while longer. Our angels are gonna be soaring overhead, raining fire on those arrogant Khags. So you hold.
[shouts]
Mal: You hold! Go!

Mal: [under cross-fire] Bendis, look at me! Listen. We're holding this valley, no matter what.
Bendis: We're gonna die.
Mal: We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. And you know why? Because we are so... very... pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die. Huh? Look at that chiseled jaw, huh? Come on!

Mal: I believe that woman's plannin' to shoot me again.

Zoë Washburne: [having narrowly escaped an Alliance Cruiser] Close one.
Mal: Yeah.
Zoë Washburne: Any one you walk away from, right?
[sounds excited]
Zoë Washburne: As long as we got the goods, I call this a win.
Mal: [flatly] Right.
[walking away]
Mal: We win.

Kaylee: We're taking on passengers at Persephone?
Mal: Yeah, that's the notion. Could use a little respectability on the way to Boros. Not to mention the money.
Jayne: Pain in the ass.
Kaylee: No, it's shiny! I like to meet new people, they've all got stories...
Jayne: Captain, can you stop her from bein' cheerful, please?
Mal: I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse can stop Kaylee from bein' cheerful. Sometimes you just wanna duct-tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.
Kaylee: [kisses Mal's cheek] I love my captain.

Wash: What if we just told Mal we need a couple of days 'stead of asking him?
Zoë: He's the Captain, Wash.
Wash: Right; and I'm just the Husband.
Zoë: Look, I'll ask him.
Wash: Don't forget to call him "sir". He likes that.
Mal: [walking in] Who likes what?
Zoë: It's nothing, sir.
[Wash smiles sarcastically and gives her a thumbs up]

Kaylee: I'd sure love to find a brand new compression coil for the steamer.
Mal: Yes, I'd like to be king of all Londinium and wear a shiny hat. Just get us some passengers. Them as can pay. All right?
Kaylee: If the compression coil busts, we're drifting.
Mal: Best not bust then.

Book: Captain, do you mind if I say grace?
Mal: Only if you say it out loud.

Lawrence Dobson: [holding him at gunpoint] Drop that firearm, Captain Reynolds.
Mal: [tosses the gun and holds his arms up chuckles] This is not my best day ever.
Lawrence Dobson: Simon Tam, you are ordered by law to stand down.
[Simon raises his hands in defeat]
Mal: What? The doctor. Oh. Hey, is there- is there a reward?

Mal: Got me a boatload of terribly strange folk makin' my life a little more interesting than I generally like. Chief among them an Alliance mole - likes to shot at girls when he's nervous.

Badger: You're late.
Mal: You're lying.
Badger: [looks at Mal in disbelief] What did you just say to me?
Mal: You're well aware we landed two hours before we planned to with all the goods you sent us after intact, ready to roll. So your decision to get tetchy, say we're late... means you're lookin' to put us on the defensive right up front. Which means something's gone wrong. It didn't go wrong on our end. So why don't we start again with you tellin' us what's up.
Badger: You're later than I'd like.
Mal: [semi-sarcastically] Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Mal: Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that.

Mal: Well, let's see what a man like you would kill for.
Simon: No, don't!
[Mal kicks open the cryochamber, and finds River Tam curled up inside]
Mal: [looks at Simon, then back at River] Huh!

Kaylee: [after being shot by Dobson, sounds disoriented] Why did he...
Mal: [looking at her wound] Oh, wow. That ain't hardly a mosquito bite.
Kaylee: Big mosquito.

Zoë: [speaking quietly] Now we have a boat full of citizens right on top of our... stolen cargo. That's a fun mix.
Mal: [just as quiet] Ain't no way in the 'verse they could find that compartment, even if
[stops as someone walks by; continues quieter]
Mal: even if they were looking for it.
Zoë: Why not?
Mal: [short pause] 'Cause.
Zoë: Oh, yeah. This is gonna go great.
Mal: If anyone gets nosy, you know, just... shoot 'em.
Zoë: Shoot 'em?
Mal: Politely.

Mal: Did you send word to Patience?
Wash: Ain't heard back yet? Didn't she shoot you one time?
Mal: Everybody's makin' a fuss.

Mal: [sarcastically bright] How's business?
Inara: [just as sarcastic, with a smile] None of yours.

Mal: Can't get paid if you're dead.
Jayne: Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug neither. I got a share of this job. Ten percent of nothin' is, let me do the math here... nothin' and a nothin', carry the nothin'...

Mal: Wheel never stops turning, Badger.
Badger: That only matters to the people on the rim.

Mal: Forget your toothpaste?
[punches Simon, he drops]
Simon: Are you out of your mind?
Mal: Eh, just about.

Jayne: [to Simon] Little Kaylee here just wishes you was a gynecologist.
[Jayne laughs]
Mal: Jayne, you will keep a civil tongue in that mouth, or I will sew it shut. Is there an understanding between us?
Jayne: You don't pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaylee gets lubed up over some big-city dandy doesn't mean...
Mal: Walk away from this table. Right now.
[Jayne loads his plate with food and leaves]
Simon: What *do* you pay him for?
Mal: What?
Simon: I was just wondering what his job is - on the ship.
Mal: Public relations.

Mal: I'm thinkin' Whitefall, maybe talk to Patience.
Zoë: Sir, we don't wanna deal with Patience again.
Mal: Why not?
Zoë: She shot you.
Mal: Well, yeah. She did a bit. Still...

Simon: What business is that exactly?
[pause; Mal turns but doesn't answer]
Simon: I'm a dead man; I can't know? Is it gold?... Drugs? Pirate treasure? What is that makes you so afraid of the Alliance?
Mal: You don't want to go down this road with me, boy.
Simon: Oh, you're not afraid of them? I already know you'd sell me out to them for a pat on the head. Hell, you should probably be working for them. You certainly fit the profil...
[cut off as Mal punches him, knocks him into the wall and floor; Mal stands over him]
Jayne: [sounds cocky] Saw that comin'.

[trying to escape the Reavers]
Mal: How close are they?
Wash: About 20 seconds from spitting distance.

Kaylee: [sounding weak, but cheery] Oh, don't you worry none. Doc fixed me up... pretty. He's nice.
Mal: Don't go working too hard on that crush, mei-mei. Doc won't be with us for long.
Kaylee: [big smile] You're nice, too.
Mal: [smiles] No, I'm not. I'm a mean old man.
Kaylee: He wasn't gonna let me die... He was just trying to... It's nobody's fault.
[trying to pat his arm, which Mal then reaches for]
Kaylee: Okay. Just promise me you're gonna remember that.
Mal: [holding her hand with both of his] I'll keep it in mind.
Kaylee: You *are* a nice man, Captain. You're always looking after us. You just gotta have faith in people.

Mal: [tossing her a bar with the Alliance stamp] It's pure, Patience. Genuine "A" grade foodstuffs-protein, vitamins, immunization supplements. One of those will feed a family for a month. Longer if they don't like their kids too well.

Patience: I have to say, I didn't look to be hearin' from you any time soon.
Mal: Well, we may not have parted on best o' terms. I realize certain words were exchanged. Also, certain... bullets.

Badger: What were you in the war? That big war you failed to win? You were a Sergeant, yeah? Sergeant Malcolm Reynolds... balls and bayonets brigade. Big, tough veteran. Now you got yourself a ship and you're a Captain. Only I think, you're still a Sergeant, see? Still a soldier. A man of honor in a den of thieves. Well this is my gorramn den, and I don't like the way you look down on me. I'm above you, better than! Businessman see? Roots in the community. You're just a scavenger.
Mal: Well, maybe I'm not a fancy gentleman like you, with your... very fine hat. But I do business. We're here for business.

Mal: It's been a long time since Patience shot me and that was due to a perfectly legitimate conflict of interest. I got no grudge. She owns half that damn moon now.

Mal: [so only Jayne hears him] Now, you only gotta scare 'im.
Jayne: Pain is scary.
Mal: Just do it right.

Inara: [to Simon] You're lost in the woods. We all are. Even the captain. The only difference is he likes it that way.
Mal: [walks in] No, the only difference is the woods are the only place I can see a clear path.

Mal: [on the 'lawman'] Comes time, someone's gonna have to deal with him. That should be you. But I don't think you've got the guts... And I know you don't have the time.
Simon: What do you mean?
Mal: [pause; face deadpan, voice serious/grave] Kaylee's dead.
[Simon doesn't react at first, then he looks a little shocked and afraid; as Mal turns and walks to the Bridge, Simon runs to the infirmary; sees Kaylee, quite alive; she waves at him]
Simon: [out of breath] That man's psychotic.
[on bridge, Mal, Jayne, Zoë, and Wash are laughing hysterically]
Wash: You are psychotic!
Mal: No! You shoulda seen his face. Oh, I'm a bad man.

Jayne: [standing next to Mal; into radio] Testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: [into radio] You're comin' through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.
Jayne: Yeah, well, but... the transmitter's...

Zoë: [looking around the Valley] Don't think it's a good spot, Sir. She still has the advantage over us.
Mal: Everyone always does. That's what makes us special.

Patience: [points a shotgun at Mal] Mal, don't you take another step!
Mal: [shoots the horse Patience is hiding behind, which traps her; points his gun square in the center of her face] Now I did a job; and got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character. So let me make this abundantly clear. I do the job...
[Mal takes the money from Patience]
Mal: and then I get paid. Go run your little world.

Mal: Wash, you gotta give me an Ivan.
Wash: I'll see what I can do.
[over the intercom]
Wash: Kaylee, how would you feel about pullin' a Crazy Ivan?
Kaylee: [sounds weak but positive] Always wanted to try one.

Mal: How come you didn't turn on me, Jayne?
Jayne: Money wasn't good enough.
Mal: What happens when it is?
Jayne: Well... that'll be an interesting day.
Mal: Imagine it will.

Mal: Don't know how bright you are, top three percent, but you ain't weak, and that's not nothin'.

Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can... How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don't know me, son, so let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.
Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
Mal: I had a good day.
Simon: You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages... Half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded including yourself, and you're harboring known fugitives.
Mal: Well, we're still flying.
Simon: That's not much.
Mal: It's enough.

Mal: Now I gotta know how close the Alliance is... exactly how much you told them before Wash scrambled your call. So... I've given Jayne here the job of finding out.
Jayne: He was non-specific as to how.

Jayne: I don't understand why we didn't leave that son of a bitch in a pool of his own blood.
Mal: We'd be dead. Can't get paid if your dead.
Jayne: Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug neither. I got a share of this job. 10 percent of nothing is... let me do the math here... nothing, and a nothing...

Simon: So does it happen a lot? Government commandeering your ship, telling you where to go?
Mal: That's what governments are for... get in a man's way.

Radio Operator: They won't move without a lieutenant's authorization code, sir.
Mal: [Mal runs over to a fallen Lieutenant; rips a badge off his uniform; runs back handing the badge to the operator] Here. Here's you code. You're Lieutenant Baker. Congratulations on your promotion.
[pushing him towards the radio]
Mal: Now get me some air support!

[River wakes up screaming; looks around frantically; scrambles out of the box; cringes in fear, hyperventilating as Simon breaks loose from Jayne's grasp; cautiously approaches her]
Simon: R-River...
[River gasps]
Simon: Hey, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay... It's okay. I'm here.
River: [calms as recognition dawns on her] Simon.
[silence; starts breathing erratically and sounding frightened again]
River: Simon they-they talk to me. They want me to - They want me to...
Simon: No, they're gone.
[holding her face, sounds almost as afraid]
Simon: They're gone. They're gone. They're gone - We're safe now... We're safe. We're safe. I'm here.
[hugs her; whispers]
Simon: Come here.
[River still sobbing, hugs him tightly, as if afraid to let go]
Mal: What the hell is this?
Simon: [looks up, still holding a shaking River] This is my sister.

Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can... How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don't know me son, so let me explain this to you once. If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.

Wash: Captain, I got a ship incoming.
Mal: How the hell did they find us? I thought you said we could get around 'em.
Wash: It's not Alliance.
Mal: You sure?
Wash: It's a smaller vessel.
Mal: Commercial?
Wash: Um... yeah. I read it as an older model Trans-U class freighter.
Mal: I didn't know Trans-U class ships still operated.
Wash: They don't.
Mal: Get me a visual.
Wash: They're still too far out to...
Mal: [interrupting] Get me something!
Wash: [looking at the scanners] Wait a minute. I'm picking up a lot of radiation emitting from the approaching ship... why, they're burning without reactor core containment. Well, that's kwong juh duh. That's suicide! That's...
[both Walsh and Mal look at each other with dread and then turn to the spaceship in the distance getting bigger and bigger as it approaches them]
Mal: Reavers.
Wash: Oh god... oh god... oh god...

Mal: Jayne, your mouth is talking. You should look into that.

Dr. Simon Tam: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can: How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don't know me, son, so let me explain this to you once. If I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.

Book: [the crew and passengers eat dinner in the galley] Captain, do you mind if I say grace?
[pause]
Mal: Only if you say it out loud.

Dr. Simon Tam: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can. How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don't know me son, so I'll just explain this to you once. If I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.
Dr. Simon Tam: Are you always this sentimental?


"Firefly: Shindig (#1.6)" (2002)
Jayne: [drinking tea] This ain't bad.
Badger: There's a trick to it. Wood alcohol.
Mal: Now we're favored guests, treated to the finest in beverages that make you blind.

Inara: I am grateful, you know, for the ill-conceived and high-handed attempt to defend my honor, although, I didn't want you to.
Mal: Gracious as that is...

Mal: Resupply, look for work, move along. We sniff the air. We don't kiss the dirt.
Zoë: Wasn't planning on the dirt kissin', sir.
Wash: I wouldn't stand for it anyway, Captain, jealous man like me.

Inara: I've seen him before.
Mal: Oh, I never did. Not what I pictured. Young. Must be rich, to afford your rates.
Inara: I suppose. He has engaged me for several days.
Mal: Days? Boy must have stamina.
Inara: Mmm. He does.

Mal: It sounds like the finest party I could imagine gettin' paid to go to.
Inara: I don't suppose you'd find it up to the standards of your outings. More conversation and somewhat less petty theft and getting hit with pool cues.

Badger: Captain Reynolds. Heard you was in town. Thought we might have a bit of a sit-down.
Mal: Prefer a bit of a "piss off".
Badger: I'm very sorry. Did I give you the impression I was askin'?

Mal: Does, uh... does this seem kind of tight?
Kaylee: Shows off your backside. Did you see the chandelier? It's hovering.
Mal: What's the point of that, I wonder?
Kaylee: Oh, mangos!
Mal: I mean, I see how they did it. I just ain't gettin' the why.
Kaylee: These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I. How 'bout that?
Mal: Yeah, well, just be careful. We cheated Badger out of good money to buy that frippery, and you're supposed to make me look respectable.
Kaylee: Yes, sir, Cap'n Tight-Pants.

Mal: How would you even set up a meet, man won't deal with you?
Badger: Know a place he'll be. Safe place. Using some new tech gun scans. High class, too. Won't let me in there. You might slip in. Of course, you couldn't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle. I got my hands on a couple.
[Mal and Jayne struggle to not laugh]
Badger: Of invites.

Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: [off an alarm sounding from the console] Closing in.
Zoë Washburne: Planet's comin' up a mite fast.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Ah, that's just 'cause I'm goin' down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
Mal: Well, that happens, let me know.

Sir Warwick Harrow: You have to finish it, lad. You have to finish it. For a man to lay beaten... and yet breathing? It makes him a coward.
Inara Serra: It's humiliation.
Mal: Sure. It would be humiliating. Having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man.
[lightly stabs Atherton with the sword]
Mal: Guess I'm just a good man.
[stabs him again]
Mal: Well, I'm all right.

Mal: Beg pardon, but would you be Mr. Warrick Harrow?
Sir Warwick Harrow: *Sir* Warrick Harrow. The sash.
Mal: The sash?
Sir Warwick Harrow: It indicates lord-hood.
Mal: And it's - it's doing a great job.

Sir Warwick Harrow: Whom do you represent?
Mal: Represent isn't exactly the...
Sir Warwick Harrow: Don't waste my time.
Mal: Fellow called Badger.
Sir Warwick Harrow: I know him, and I think he's a psychotic lowlife.
Mal: And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife community.

Mal: Ath - can I call you Ath?

Mal: Whoa, whoa, I'm not runnin' off. I don't know what you got in your head, but I didn't do this to prove some kind of point to you. I actually thought I was defending your honor. And I never back down from a fight.
Inara: Yes, you do. You do all the time.
Mal: Well, yeah. But, I'm not backin' down from this one.

Mal: See how I'm not punching him? I think I've grown.

Mal: Now, you taking on this job - being my second - does this mean we're in business?
Sir Warwick Harrow: It means you're in mortal danger. But you mussed up Atherton's face, and that has endeared you to me somewhat.

Sir Warwick Harrow: You didn't have to wound that man.
Mal: Yeah, I know, it was just funny.

Mal: 'Kay, help me find our man. He's supposed to be older, kind of stocky, wears a red sash crossways.
Kaylee: Why does he do that?
Mal: Maybe he won the Miss Persephone pageant. Just help me look.
Kaylee: Is that him?
Mal: That's the buffet table.
Kaylee: Well, how can we be sure, u-unless we question it?
[smiles widely]

[standing over his wounded opponent, refusing to kill him]
Mal: You know, they say mercy is the mark of a great man.
[stabs the man]
Mal: Guess I'm just a good man.
[stabs him again]
Mal: Well, I'm all right.

[Inara is teaching Mal how to fence; Mal just missed and got smacked on the behind]
Inara: How did I avoid that?
Mal: By being fast like a freak?

Inara: You have a strange sense of nobility Captain. You'll lay a man out for implying I'm a whore but you keep calling me one to my face.
Mal: I might not show respect to your job, but he didn't respect *you*. That's the difference. Inara, he doesn't even see you.
Inara: Well, I guess death will solve the issue to everyone's satisfaction.

Mal: In the case that it happens, it means he's the fella who killed me. And I don't like fellas who kills me, not in general.

Inara: Are you in pain?
Mal: Absolutely, I got stabbed you know, right here.
[lifts shirt to show a bloodstained bandage on side of abdomen]
Inara: I saw.
Mal: I don't care much for fancy parties. Too rough.
Inara: It wasn't entirely a disaster.
Mal: [lifts his shirt again] I got stabbed. Right here.

Inara Serra: Besides, why would I wanna leave Serenity?
Mal: Can't think of a reason.

Mal: It's good to have cargo. Makes us a target for every other scavenger out there of course, but, sometimes that's fun too.

Mal: [after being told that use of a sword will be provided for a duel] Use of a s-what?

Mal: You backed out of a deal last time. Left us hangin'?
Jayne: Hurt our feelings.
Mal: You recall why that took place?
Badger: Had a problem with your attitude, is why. Felt you was - what's the word?
Jayne: Pretentious?

Atherton Wing: [after Mal punches Atherton] I accept!
Mal: [confused] Good!

Mal: [after knocking his dueling opponent to the ground] Sure, it would be humiliating having to lie there while a better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man
[gives a quick stab to the guy]
Mal: guess I'm just a good man
[stabs him again]
Mal: well, I'm all right.

Mal: Might ought to clear out before too much longer. Seems there's a thief about.
Inara: A thief?
Mal: Took this right off him.
[Shows Inara a wad of money he stole from a group of slave-traders]
Mal: Now they earned that with the sweat of their slave-trading brows.
Inara: [Inara states in disapproving shock] Mal!
Mal: Aw, terrible shame. Course they won't discover it till they go order their next round of drinks.

Inara: Good afternoon, Captain.
Mal: Morning. We're downing, and in case that Wash don't kill us all, local time's going to be in the a.m.

Inara: These people like me and I like them. I like Atherton too by the way.
Mal: Well sure, what's not to like. I'm liable to sleep with him myself.

Inara: Atherton's a heavy sleeper the night before a big day. He's got that killing in the morning, and a haircut later.
Mal: Such a comfort, having friends visit at a time like this.

Inara: [about Atherton] You did manage to push him into saying something, yes. Made a nice justification for the punch.
Mal: Well, he insulted you. I hit him. Seemed like the thing to do.

Jayne: [to the crew, about their plan to take out Badger's people and rescue Mal] Doc is filling Shepherd in on the plan. Doc is the diversion.
Mal: [Entering the ship] Did you ever see such a lazy crew.

Mal: [to Inara, after his duel with Atherton] Mighty fine shindig.


"Firefly: Our Mrs. Reynolds (#1.3)" (2002)
[Jayne is walking menacingly towards Mal with a large gun]
Jayne: Six men came to kill me one time. And the best of 'em carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock. Customized trigger, double cartridge thorough gauge. It is my very favorite gun.
[he holds the gun out to Mal]
Mal: [exclaims in Chinese] You offering me a trade?
Jayne: A trade? Hell, it's theft. This the best gun made by man. It has *extreme* sentimental value. It's miles more worthy 'n what you got!
Mal: What I got? She has a name.
Jayne: So does this. I call it Vera.
Mal: Well, my days of not takin' ya seriously are certainly comin' to a middle.

Saffron: [Saffron is sitting on Mal's bed naked, covered by a blanket] I've made myself ready for you.
Mal: [Mal trying not to look] Let's ride right past the part where you explain exactly what that means

Mal: Who the hell are you?
Saffron: What do you mean?
Mal: Well, I think I was pretty clear. What are you doing on my boat?
Saffron: But, you know, I'm to cleave to you.
Mal: To whubba who?
Saffron: Did Elder Gommen not tell you?
Mal: Tell me what? Who are you?
Saffron: Mr. Reynolds, sir, I'm your wife.
[intro plays]
Mal: Could you repeat that please?
Saffron: I am your wife. That was your agreement with Elder Gommen, since he hadn't cash or livestock enough...
Mal: I-I-I'm sorry. Go back to the part where you're my wife.
Saffron: I don't please you?
Mal: You can't please me. You never met me. Zoë, why do I have a wife?

Saffron: Are you gonna kill me?
Mal: What? What kind of crappy planet is that? Kill you.
Saffron: In the maiden's home, I heard talk of men who weren't pleased with their brides...
Mal: Well, I ain't them. And don't you ever stand for that sort of thing. Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back.

Saffron: I'm sorry that I shame you.
Mal: You don't shame me! Zoë, would you get Wash.
Zoë: [Over the PA system] This is Zoë. We need all personnel in the cargo bay.
Mal: All? I said Wash!
Zoë: Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss.
Mal: There's-there's no bliss! I don't know this girl.
Jayne Cobb: Then can I know her?

Mal: Whoa, hey. Flesh. Um... Saffron... i-it-it ain't a question of pleasing me. It's more a question of what's... um... of what's morally right.
Saffron: I do know my Bible sir. "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow and he shall work in her, in and again, 'til she bring him to his fall and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast."
Mal: Whoa, good Bible.

Kaylee: [comforting Saffron] Oh sweetie, don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster.
Mal: I'm not a monster! Wash, turn the ship around.

Mal: Can I come in?
Inara Serra: No.
Mal: See, that's why I usually don't ask.

Bandit: [robbing a couple on a floating wagon] You gonna give us what's due us and every damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe you gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the misses.
Jayne: Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.
Mal: [in disguise in a dress and large bonnet] How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you purtier, I would.
Mal: [gasps] You are not the man I met a year ago.
[Mal and Jayne pull their guns on the unsuspecting bandits]
Mal: Now think real hard. You've been birddoggin' this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you.

Mal: Do you ever... wash your client's feet?
Inara: [sarcastically] It's my specialty.

Saffron: Leave me at the nearest port, never look upon me again. I'll make my way with the strength that you've taught me, only let me have my wedding night.
Mal: Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell.

Mal: [about Saffron] You would've kissed her too.
Zoë: Wash didn't.
Mal: But she was naked and all... articulate!
Wash: Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.

Saffron: Five days... we'll be together?
Mal: We'll be together on the ship, but not in any...
Saffron: That'll be fine.

Kaylee: It was your big makeout session that got us into this, sir.
Mal: I was poisoned!
Inara: You were drugged.
Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.

Inara: [about Saffron] She tried to seduce me too.
Mal: Really? Did she - with - did you...?
Inara: You don't play a player.

Saffron: How'd you find me?
Mal: Only a few places that shuttle would make it to from where you left. Happy to find it intact.
Saffron: You're quite a man, Malcolm Reynolds.
[seductively]
Saffron: I've been waiting a long time for someone good enough to take me down.
Mal: Saffron, you even think about playing me again I will riddle you with holes.
Saffron: Everybody plays each other. That's all anybody ever does. We play parts.

[calling his new wife]
Mal: Hello? Woman-person?

Mal: I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume that I'm an evil lecherous hump.
Zoë: Nobody's saying that, sir.
Wash: Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.

Mal: [from a deleted scene] More than 70 earths spinnin' about the galaxy, and the meek have inherited not a one.

Mal: How drunk was I last night?
Jayne: I don't know, I passed out.

Mal: What's it say in there about divorce?

Mal: You got the right same as anyone to... live and try to kill people.

Mal: Let's ride right past the part where you explain exactly what that means.

Inara Serra: Well, yes. So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?
Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. 'Sides, those soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. It's the whole... air-flow.
Inara Serra: And you'd know that because...?
Mal: You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery.
Inara Serra: Let's keep it that way. I withdraw the question.

Saffron: I thought last night during the ceremony that you were pleased.
Mal: Well, yeah, last night I was. Had some mulled wine, pretty girl gave me a hat made out of a tree. Nobody said I was signing up to have and to hold.

Saffron: You're a good man.
Mal: You clearly haven't been talkin' to anyone else on this boat.

Saffron: We've been wed. Aren't we to become one flesh?
Mal: Well, no. Uh, we're still two fleshes here.

Mal: What was she after?
Book: Besides molesting innocent captains?

Mal: [to Inara, as he leaves her shuttle after fighting with her] I wasn't looking for a fight!
[He runs into Jayne, who glares at him as he cocks a very big gun]
Mal: Always do seem to find one, though.

Mal: You'd only have lied anyhow.


"Firefly: The Train Job (#1.1)" (2002)
Jayne: [the three of them are playing Chinese checkers; to Mal] Your move.
[Mal jumps four marbles]
Zoë: That's a bold move.
Mal: I live on the edge.
[Zoe jumps six of his marbles]
Jayne: Nice work dumb-ass.
Mal: [as Zoe chuckles] I've given some thought to moving off the edge. Not an ideal location. Might get a place in the middle.

Mal: Ladies and menfolk,
[holds out a slip of paper]
Mal: we have ourselves a job.
[Zoe grabs the slip with a smile]
Mal: Take us out of the world, Wash. Got us some crime to be done.

Simon: [looking at Mal's swollen knuckles] I expect there's someone's face feels differently.
Mal: Well, they tell ya, 'Never hit a man with a closed fist.' But it is, on occasion, hilarious.
Simon: Hmm. I suppose so.

Zoë: Sir, is there some information, we might maybe be lacking, as to why there's an entire fedsquad sitting on this train?
Mal: It doesn't concern us.
Zoë: It kinda concerns me.
Mal: I mean they're not protecting the goods. If they were, they wouldn't be letting people past 'em.
Zoë: You don't think that changes the situation a bit?
Mal: I surely do. Makes it more fun.
Zoë: Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
Mal: Come on. We stick to the plan, we get the goods, we're back on Serenity before the train even reaches Paradiso, only now we do it under the noses of twenty trained Alliance feds and that makes them look all manner of stupid. Hell, this job, I would pull for free.
Zoë: Then can I have your share?
Mal: No.
Zoë: If you die can I have your share?
Mal: Yes.

Mal: Well, what about you, Shepherd? How come you're flying about with us brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the fuzzy-wuzzies or some such?
Book: Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here.
Mal: If I'm your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You're welcome on my boat. God ain't.

Inara Serra: A companion chooses her own clients. That's guild law. But physical appearance doesn't matter so terribly. You look for a compatibility of spirit... There's an energy about a person that's difficult to hide. You try to feel that...
Mal: [walks in] And then you try to feel the energy of their credit account. It has a sort of aura...
Inara Serra: What did I say to you about barging in to my shuttle?
Mal: That it was manly and impulsive?
Inara Serra: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was "don't."
Mal: Well you're holding my mechanic in thrall - and Kaylee, what the hell's going on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?

Jayne: [as Lund raises a gun] Hey, hey, hey, them ain't kosherized rules.
Lund: I'm thinkin' somebody needs to put you down, dog. What do you think?
Mal: I'm thinking we'll rise again.
[Serenity rises into view behind them]
Wash: [over loudspeaker] Every man there go back inside, or we will blow a new crater in this little moon.
[door opens and Jayne, Zoe and Mal run onto the ship; watching the men from the bar retreat inside, Mal waves goodbye as the door closes]
Jayne: Damn yokels, can't even tell a transport ship ain't got no guns on it.
[laughing]
Jayne: 'Blow a new crater in this moon.'
[laughing]

[Mal and Zoë are waiting to be questioned after pulling "the train job"]
Mal: Whatever happens, remember I love you.
Zoë: Sir?
Mal: Because you're my wife.
Zoë: Right. Sir. Honey.

Sheriff Bourne: You mind telling me, uh, when it was you last spoke to Joey Bloggs?
Mal: Never did, myself.
Sheriff Bourne: Right. Your uncle. And it was indicated to you that, uh, Joey had an opening?
Mal: Any job would do.
Sheriff Bourne: It's funny your Uncle never went to mentioning the Bowden's problem. Or that Joey Bloggs ate his own gun 'bout eight months back.
Mal: Did he?
Sheriff Bourne: Yep. Blew the back of his head right off.
[long pause]
Mal: So... would his job be open?

Mal: Now, this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You bring it back to him. Tell him the job didn't work out. We're not thieves. But we are thieves. Point is, we're not takin' what's his. Now we'll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You explain that's best for everyone, okay?
Crow: Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.
Mal: Darn.
[Kicks Crow through running engines. Next bad guy is brought forward]
Mal: Now, this is all the money Niska gave us in advance...
One of Niska's Soldiers: Oh, I get it! I'm good. Best thing for everyone. I'm right there with ya.

Mal: [backed up against the edge of a cliff, facing the drunks from the bar] Oh, ho-ho! There's just an acre of you fellas, isn't there? This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.
Zoë: Thanks for the reenactment, sir.

Kaylee: So, what happened? Another terrible brawl?
Zoë: [smiling] Oddly enough, there was.
Wash: Are you getting my wife into trouble?
Mal: Wha- I didn't start it. I just wanted a quiet drink.
Zoë: Funny sir how you always seem to find yourself in an Alliance-friendly bar come "U" day... looking for a quiet drink.
Mal: See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety. Breaks the heart.
[Kaylee laughs inaudibly at the exchange]

Book: How's the girl?
Mal: Still a little whimsical in the brainpan. Seems calm enough though.
Mal: [River knocks over a tray of medical instruments; both look her way at the sound of instruments clattering] Mm-hmm.
Book: That young man's very brave.
Mal: Yeah.
[sarcastically]
Mal: He's my hero.
Book: Gave up everything to free his sister from that place. Go from being a doctor on the central planets to hiding on the fringes of the system... Not many who would do that.

[after Inara has been doing Kaylee's hair and Mal has ordered her out]
Mal: You're servicing crew now.
Inara Serra: [snickers] In your lonely pathetic dreams.

Niska: Oh, you do not like I kill this man?
Mal: Oh no, I'm sure he was a... very bad person.
Niska: My wife's nephew. At dinner I am getting earful. There is no way out of that.

Mal: [on Niska] He's not the first psycho to hire us. Nor the last. You think that's a commentary on us?
Zoë: I just have an image in my head of a guy hanging from the ceiling.
Mal: I've got an image of it not being me. Let's do the thing.

Lund: [drunk] Hey, you gonna drink t'the Alliance with me? Six years today, the Alliance sent the Browcoats runnin', pissin' their pants. You know, your coat is kind of a brownish color.
Mal: It was on sale.
[drinks]
Lund: You didn't toast. Y'know, I'm thinkin' you're one o' them In'apendants.
Mal: And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other till we go away?
Lund: The Independents were a bunch o' cowardly inbred piss pots. Should'a been killed off o' every world spinnin'.
Mal: [puts down drink] Say that to my face.
Lund: [threateningly] I said... you're a coward and a pisspot. Now what're you gonna do about it?
Mal: [smiles suddenly] Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind ya.
[Lund turns, and Zoë hits him in the face with the butt of her gun]
Mal: Drunks are so cute.

[Sheriff Bourne has caught Mal returning stolen medicine to a plague-stricken town]
Sheriff Bourne: You were truthful back in town. These are tough times. A man can get a job. He might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all the details of a situation like ours... well... then he has a choice.
Mal: I don't believe he does.

[Jayne takes out Crow with leg shot]
Mal: Nice shot!
Jayne: [sitting on the floor, drugged] I was aiming for his head.

Mal: [after getting tossed out a simulated bar window] Wash, we got some local color happening. A grand entrance would not go amiss.
[Zoe comes out fighting a drunk; more join in as Mal takes on the one Zoe knocked down]
Mal: Is Jayne even awake?
[Jayne comes out fighting two at once, pushing them back with his stool]

Mal: Just an honest brawl between folk.

Mal: Are you referring to our perfectly legitimate business enterprises?

Inara: Mal, if you're being a gentleman, I may die of shock.
[with a smirk Mal half bows, turns and walks out; goes back in just to be annoying]
Mal: Have you got time to do *my* hair?
Inara: Out!

[after an Alliance supporter insults the Browncoats, Mal sternly faces him]
Mal: Why don't you say that to my face?
[he turns to look Mal in the eyes]
Drunk Alliance Supporter: I said you're a coward and a piss pot. Now what are you gonna do about it?
[Mal smiles]
Mal: Nothin'. I just wanted you to turn around so she could get behind you.
[the drunk turns and Zoë pistol-whips him]
Mal: Drunks are so cute.

Zoë: [while fighting a group of independent-haters in a bar] There's just an acre of you fellas.
[to Zoe]
Zoë: This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.
Mal: Thanks for the re-enactment, sir.

Mal: Nice shot.
Jayne Cobb: I was aiming for his head!


"Firefly: Out of Gas (#1.5)" (2002)
Mal: Let me show you the rest. And-and try to see past what she is and onto what she can be.
Zoë Washburne: What's that, sir?
Mal: Freedom is what.
Zoë Washburne: I meant, what's *that*?
Mal: Oh, yeah, just step around that. I think something must have been living in here.

Mal: Ship like this, be with you 'til the day you die.
Zoë Washburne: 'Cause it's a deathtrap.

Mal: Looks can be deceiving.
Jayne: Not as deceiving as a low down, dirty... deceiver.
Mal: Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoë?
Zoë Washburne: It had a kinda poetry to it, sir.

Mal: Which one you figure tracked us?
Zoë Washburne: The ugly one, sir.
Mal: Could you be more specific?

Mal: You are very much lacking in imagination.
Zoë Washburne: I imagine that's so, sir.

Inara: Mal, you don't have to die alone.
Mal: Everybody dies alone.

Mal: Kaylee. Kaylee, look at me. I need you up in the engine room figurin' out what caused this.
Kaylee: [looking toward the injured Zoë] She ain't moving.
[pause]
Kaylee: Serenity's not moving.

[after Mal first introduces Zoë to Wash]
Mal: Great, ain't he?
Zoë Washburne: I don't like him.
Mal: What?
Zoë Washburne: Just somethin' about him bothers me.

Mal: Look, we finally got ourselves a genius mechanic. It's about time we hired someone to fly this damn thing!
Bester: Genius! No one's ever called me that before. Shiny!

Kaylee: Catalyzer on the port compression coil blew. It's where the trouble started.
Mal: Okay, I need that in captain dummy talk, Kaylee.

Mal: You know, I'm gettin' a little weary of this attitude, Wash.
Wash: Oh, are you? Well, I'm so very sorry, sir. I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me a little snippy.
Mal: It's possible someone might pick up that signal.
Wash: No, Mal. It's not possible. No one's gonna pick up the damn signal. You wanted us flying under the radar, remember? Well, that's where we are, out of range of anyone or anything.
Mal: Then make it go further.
Wash: I - What?
Mal: Make the signal go further.
Wash: Can't make it go further.
Mal: Not if all you're gonna do is sit around here and whinge about it. No.
Wash: What do you expect me to do, Mal?
Mal: Whatever you have to. And if you can't do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat...
Wash: And what? Wave my arms around?
Mal: Wave your arms around. Jump up and down. Divert the nav sats to the transmitter. Whatever.
Wash: Divert the - Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die!
Mal: Give the beacon a boost, wouldn't it?
Wash: Yes, Mal, it would boost the signal. But even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation.
Mal: Could be that's true.
Wash: Damn right, it's true. They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go anyplace.
[Beat, Mal waits for Wash to get it]
Wash: [Still yelling as if he's angry] Well maybe I should do that, then!
Mal: Maybe you should!
Wash: Okay!
Mal: Good!
Wash: Fine!
Jayne: Hey! What you two think you're doing? Fightin' at a time like this? You'll use up all the air.

Mal: You got much experience with a vessel like this?
Kaylee: I never even been up in one before.
Mal: Wanna?

Bester: Mal. What do you need two mechanics for?
Mal: I really don't.

Inara: And just so we're clear, under no circumstances will I be servicing you, or anyone who is under your employ.
Mal: I'll post a sign.

Inara: You're gonna rent this shuttle to me.
Mal: Am I?
Inara: Yes. And for one quarter less than your asking price.
Mal: Is that a fact?
Inara: It is.
Mal: And you figure you'll be getting this discount why, exactly?
Inara: You want me.
[pause]
Inara: You want me on your ship.

Inara: The Alliance has no quarrel with me. I supported Unification.
Mal: Did ya? Well, I don't supposed you're the only whore that did.
Inara: Oh, one further addendum. That's the last time you get to call me "whore".
Mal: Absolutely. Never again.

Jayne: Tell us where the stuff's at, so I can shoot ya.
Mal: Point of interest? Offering to shoot us might not work so well as an incentive as you might imagine.

Mal: Take your people and go.
Captain: You would've done the same.
Mal: We can already see I haven't. Now get the hell off my ship.

Zoë Washburne: [Upon seeing Mal wake up in the infirmary] Welcome back, sir.
Mal: I go some place?
Shepherd Book: Very nearly.
Inara: We thought we lost you.
Mal: Oh, I've been right here.

Mal: I thought I ordered you all off the ship. I call you back?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: No, Mal, you didn't.
Zoë Washburne: I take full responsibility, Cap'n.
Dr. Simon Tam: The decision saved your life.
Zoë Washburne: Won't happen again, sir.
Mal: Good. And, thanks, I'm grateful.
Zoë Washburne: It was my pleasure, sir.

Mal: [jerking himself awake] You all gonna be here when I wake up?
Shepherd Book: We'll be here.
Mal: Good. That's good.

Mal: I tell you, Zoë, we get a mechanic, get her up and running again, hire a good pilot, maybe a cook - Live like real people. A small crew - They must feel the need to be free. Take jobs as they come. They never have to be under the heel of nobody ever again. No matter how long the arm of the Alliance might get... we'll just get ourselves a little further.
Zoë Washburne: "Get her running again"?
Mal: Yeah.
Zoë Washburne: So not running now?
Mal: Not so much.

Mal: How much they payin' you?
Jayne: Huh?
Mal: I mean, let's say you did kill us... or didn't... there could be torture, whatever. But somehow, you found the goods. What would your cut be?
Jayne: [proudly] Seven percent, straight off the top.
Mal: Seven. Oh.
Jayne: What?
Mal: Hmm? Nothin'. Not a thing. No. I just -
[to Zoë]
Mal: Does that seem low to you?
Zoë Washburne: It does, sir.
Jayne: [angrily] That ain't low.
Marco: Stop it!
Jayne: [in denial] Seven percent's standard.
Mal: [laughing] Okay. Zoë, I'm payin' you too much.
Jayne: Why? What does she get?
Marco: Knock it off!
Mal: Look, forget I said anything. I'm sure you're treated very well. You get the perks, got your own room...
[surprised]
Mal: No? You share a bunk?

Inara Serra: You don't have to die alone, Mal
Mal: Everyone dies alone.

Inara: I don't discuss my clients.
Jayne: Aww, come on, Inara. Who'd know?
Inara: You.
[Beat]
Inara: A Companion doesn't kiss and tell.
Mal: So there is kissing?


"Firefly: Bushwhacked (#1.2)" (2002)
Mal: [on the bridge; all looking at the ship that set of the proximity alarm]
Mal: Bring us in a little closer.
Wash: Get you close enough to ring the doorbell.
Dr. Simon Tam: What is it?
[standing in the doorway, completely out of sight; softly, as if talking to herself]
River Tam: It's a ghost.
[half smiles briefly]

Book: Shouldn't we report this?
Mal: To who? Alliance? Right. They're gonna run right out here lickety-split, make sure these taxpayers are okay.

Mal: It's a real burden being right so often.

Mal: You tell me right now, little Kaylee. You really think you can do this?
Kaylee: Sure. Yeah. I think so. Besides, if I mess up, it's not like you'll be able to yell at me.

Commander Harken: [has ordered the crew to be taken into custody] I want every inch of this junker tossed.
Kaylee: [offended] "Junker"?
Mal: Settle down, Kaylee.
Kaylee: But Captain, did you hear what that purple-belly called Serenity?
Mal: Shut up!

Mal: Okay. Wash, ask Serenity to knock for us?

Jayne: We're sittin' put for a funeral?
Mal: Yes, Jayne. That's exactly what we're gonna do. Not gonna have these people lookin' over my shoulder once we're gone. I ain't sayin' there's any peace to be had, but on the off chance there is, those folks deserve a little of it.
Inara Serra: Just when I think I've got you figured out.

Zoë: [on the derelict, looking around at the passengers cargo] Sir, even on a lifeboat, you think those who escaped would fine room for some of this.
Mal: [Mal sees River, looking up at something with fear and sadness]
Mal: Nobody escaped.
Zoë: Sir?
[both turn flashlights up]
Mal: Nobody.
[we see a string of naked mutilated bodies hanging by a chain]
Zoë: My God.
Mal: [speaks chinese] I know what did this.

The Survivor: [in the infirmiry; grunting, panting] Cattle. Cattle for the slaughter.
[Mal follows his line of sight; realizes, with horror, he's looking at Kaylee and Inara]
Mal: Dope him.
Dr. Simon Tam: [having missed what Mal saw] I don't think that-
Mal: Just do it!
The Survivor: No mercy. No resistance.
[Simon gets a syringe; the Survivor grabs his arm as he injects the medication & looks him straight in the eye]
The Survivor: Open up. See..what's inside.
[Simon removes the Survivor's hand; he relaxes but continues muttering softly]

Book: Whatever horror he witnessed, whatever acts of barberism it was done by men, nothing more.
Jayne: Reaver's ain't men.
Book: Of course they are. Too long removed from civilization perhaps, but men. And, I believe there's a power greater than men. A power that heals.
Mal: Reavers might take issue with that philosophy...if they *had* a philosophy...and they weren't too busy gnawing on your insides. Jayne's right. Reavers ain't men. Or they forgot how to be. Come to just nothin'. They got out to the edge of the galaxy, to that place of nothin', and that's what they became.

Mal: Well, quite a lot of fuss. If I didn't know better, I'd think we were dangerous.

Commander Harken: Looks to me like an illegal salvage operation.
Mal: It does? That's discouraging.

Captain Reynolds: I'm gonna...make a leap here and figure this is your first tour out here on the border.
Commander Harken: [audibly drops the file he was sifting through on the table; sniffs] It's a very loyal crew you have there.
Commander Harken: [Mal smiles briefly with pride] But then, I can tell by your record you have a-a tendency to inspire that quality in people...Sergeant.
Captain Reynolds: It's not Sergeant. Not anymore. War's over.
Commander Harken: For some the war'll never be over.

Commander Harken: I notice your ship's called "Serenity". You were stationed on Hera at the end of the war. Battle of Serenity Valley took place there, if I recall.
Captain Reynolds: [slightly sarcastic] You know, I believe you might be right.
Commander Harken: Independents suffered a pretty crushing defeat there. Some say that after Serenity, the Browncoats were through. That the war ended in that valley.
Captain Reynolds: Hmm.
Commander Harken: Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of.
Captain Reynolds: May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.

Captain Reynolds: So we attacked that ship, then brought the only living survivor to our infirmiry. Is that what we did?
Commander Harken: I'd ask him.....only I'm not sure he'll be able to speak with his tounge split down the middle.
Captain Reynolds: [Mal's eyes widen slightly with shock; mutters to himself in Chinese]
Commander Harken: I haven't seen that kind of torture since...well since the war.
Captain Reynolds: [sighs, almost a whisper] I should have known.
Commander Harken: You and you crew are bound by law. Formal charges will be transmitted to the central authority.
Captain Reynolds: Commander, I'm not what you need to be concerned about right now. Things go the way they are, there's gonna be blood.

Jayne: You save his gorram life. He still takes the cargo.
[mutters Chinese]
Mal: He had to. Couldn't let us profit. Wouldn't be 'civilized'.

Mal: [about a ship they found drifting] Anybody home?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Been hailing her, but if whoever's there is as healthy as the guy we just ran over, can't imagine anyone's going to be picking up.

Jayne: If there's folks on board in need of help, why ain't they beaming no distress call?
Zoë Washburne: It's true, there's no beacon.
Mal: Which means it's likely no one's looking to find her.
Book: All the more reason for us to do the right thing.
Jayne: How about you just say a prayer when we slide on by.

Mal: All right, no one goes in here. Nothing more we can do for him now, not after what he's seen.
Dr. Simon Tam: What do you mean?
Mal: That ship was hit by Reavers.

Commander Harken: [Alliance message to Serenity] Firefly class transport, you are ordered to release control of your helm.
Mal: Looks like civilization finally caught up with us.

Mal: Stack everything here, in plain sight. Wouldn't want it to seem like we got anything to hide. It might give them Alliance boys the wrong impression.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Or the right one.

Commander Harken: Reavers?
Mal: That is what I said.
Commander Harken: You can't imagine how many times men in my position hear that excuse. "Reavers did it."
Mal: It's the truth.
Commander Harken: You saw them, did you?
Mal: Wouldn't be sitting here talking to you if I had.

Mal: [about the wrecked ship] But we'll check it out. See if there are survivors. If not, then, well no one's going to mind if we take a look around, see if there's not something of value they might have left behind.
Jayne: [becomes interested in the plan once Mal brings up the idea of finding "things of value"] Yeah, no, uh, someone could be hurt.


"Firefly: Trash (#1.13)" (2003)
[Mal searches Saffron for weapons. Saffron smiles like she's enjoying it]
Saffron: You missed a spot.
Mal: [shoves Saffron away] Can't miss a place you've never been.

[after the heist, Mal returns to the ship, butt-naked. The crew tries hard not to stare. Turning back to the desert landscape, he smiles, contently]
Mal: [closing the doors] Good day!

Mal: Yeah. That went well.
Inara: You call this going well?
Mal: We got the loot, didn't we?
Inara: Yes, but...
Mal: Then I call it a win. What's the problem?
Inara: Should I start with the part where you're stranded in the middle of nowhere or the part where you have no clothes?

Inara: What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
Mal: That was...
Inara: What was the cargo?
Mal: [pauses] They were dolls.
Inara: They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!
Mal: Hey, people *loved* those!

Durran Haymer: How long have you been with him?
Mal: Oh!
[scoffs]
Mal: We are not together.
Saffron: He's my husband.
Mal: Well, who in the damn galaxy ain't?

Zoë: [about Saffron and her plan] But Inara ain't wrong. She can't be trusted.
Mal: I ain't asking you to trust her. I'll be with her on the inside the whole time.
Saffron: See there? All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is get over it.
[smiles]
Zoë: [smiles back] Okay.
[punches Saffron in the face]
Zoë: I'm in.

Mal: [standing naked in the desert, watching his stolen shuttle fly by] Aaaww dirty, dirty whore!
[watches shuttle in the distance]
Mal: Yeah, you better run!

Mal: How about I stay out of your whoring...
Inara: Well, that didn't take long.
Mal: You keep out of my thieving?

Mal: Petty?
Inara: I didn't mean petty.
Mal: What did you mean?
Inara: Suoxi?
Mal: That's Chinese for petty.

[walking in on Saffron pointing a gun at Mal, who is standing there holding Durran's historical laser pistol artifact]
Durran Haymer: Now I'm intruding.
Saffron: Durran, this isn't what it looks like.
Mal: Unless it looks like we're stealing your priceless Lassiter, 'cause, that's what we're doin'. Don't ask me 'bout the gun, though, 'cause that's new.
Durran Haymer: Well, I appreciate your honesty. Not, you know, a lot, but...

Mal: [sitting naked in the desert] Yeah.
[pause]
Mal: That went well.

Mal: The beard! You shaved off your soup-catcher!
Monty Reynolds: Yep.
Mal: Wow, I thought you were gonna wear that ugly chin-wig to the grave.

Mal: Monty! *You* have fallen from our noble bachelor ranks?

Mal: Woman, you are completely off your nut.

Mal: You're usin' wiles on me.

Mal: Heard you were looking for me?
Inara: I was. Care to sit? I was hoping to talk a little business. Would you like some tea?
Mal: Okay, what's the game?
Inara: I offered you tea.
Mal: After inviting me into your shuttle of your own free will, which makes two events without precedent and which makes me more'n a little skittish.
Inara: Honestly, Mal, if we can't be civilized and talk like...
Mal: I'm plenty civilized. You're using wiles on me.
Inara: I'm using what?
Mal: Your feminine wiles. Your companion training, your some-might-say uncanny ability to make a man sweaty and/or compliant, of which I have had just about enough today.


"Firefly: Safe (#1.7)" (2002)
Mal: You know, they walk just as easy if you lead 'em.
Jayne: I like smackin' 'em.

Captain Reynolds: Never goes smooth. How come it never goes smooth?

River Tam: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
Mal: See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.

Book: That's... that's quite a lot of blood, isn't it?
Mal: Just means you ain't dead.
Book: 'Fraid I might be needin' a preacher.
Mal: That's good. You lie there and be ironical.

Zoë: You sanguine about the kinda reception we're apt to receive on an Alliance ship, Captain?
Mal: Absolutely. What's "sanguine" mean?
Zoë: Sanguine. Hopeful. Plus, point of interest, it also means "bloody".
Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?

Mal: This is the last time. Last time with cows. Hear there was an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish droppings?

River: Little soul, big world. Eat, sleep, and eat. Many souls.
Mal: Cattle on the ship three weeks, she don't go near 'em. Suddenly we're on Jianying, and she's got a driving need to commune with the beasts?
River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky, and they remember what they are.
Mal: Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?

Mal: Well look at this. 'Pears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Simon: Captain, why did you come back for us?
Mal: You're on my crew.
Simon: Yeah, but you don't even like me. Why'd you come back?
Mal: You're on my crew. Why we still talking about this?

Book: Folks like a man of God.
Mal: No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged.

Simon: So, finally a decent wound on this ship and I miss out. I'm sorry.
Mal: Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.

Patron: [River is about to be burned at the stake] This is a holy cleansing. You cannot think to thwart God's will.
Mal: Y'all see the man hangin' out of the spaceship with the really big gun? I'm not saying you weren't easy to find, but it was kind of out of our way and he didn't wanna come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting.
Mal: [to Simon] Gotta say, Doctor, your talent for alienatin' folks is near miraculous.
Simon: Yes, I'm very proud.
Mal: [about River] Cut her down.
Patron: The girl is a witch.
Mal: Yeah, but she's our witch.
[Cocks shotgun and aims at Town Patron]
Mal: So cut her the hell down.

Zoë: Badger just hailed us. Gettin' impatient for his share. Wants us to drop it to his men on the Kowlan Fed Base.
Jayne: That'd be a hell of a lot easier to do without the two most wanted on board. Life would look to be simpler us not carrying fugies.
Zoë: He is right, you know.
Mal: Yeah. Simpler.

Dr. Simon Tam: Why'd you come back for us?
Mal: You're on my crew.
Dr. Simon Tam: But you don't even like me. Why'd you come back?
Mal: You're on my crew. Why are we still talking about this?

Town Patron: This is a holy cleansing. You cannot thwart God's will.
Mal: Ya'll see the man hanging out of the spaceship with a really big gun?... and he didn't really want to come in the first place. The man's looking to kill some folk. So really it's his will you should worry about thwarting.
Town Patron: The girl is a witch.
Mal: Yeah, but she's our witch, so cut her the hell down.

Mal: Well look at this! Seems we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë Washburne: Big damn heroes, sir!
Mal: Ain't we just.


"Firefly: War Stories (#1.9)" (2002)
[Mal is struggling with a guy who spent several hours torturing him; Jayne aims a gun at the torturer]
Zoë: Jayne. This is something the captain has to do for himself.
Mal: No. No, it's not!
Zoë: Oh!
[Jayne, Zoë and Wash shoot]

[Zoë has made soup for Wash, and sets it on the table for him]
Wash: Mmm. Wife soup. I must have done good.
Zoë: Yes, dear. You done good.
[kisses him on the cheek]
Mal: [Mal enters dining area] Did you tell her?
Wash: [looks up warily] Tell her what?
Mal: [to Zoë] Your husband has demanded that we sleep together.
Zoë: Really?
Wash: [looking a bit panicky] What? Mal, come on...
Mal: He seems to think it would get all this burning sexual tension out in the open. You know, make a fair fight for your womanly affections.
Wash: No! That was the torture talking...
[looking up at Zoë pleading]
Wash: Remember? The torture?
Mal: [takes Zoë's hands and places one on his hip and the other on his shoulder, then with his other hand moves some hair off her shoulder, sporting a deadpan expression] I know it's a difficult mission, but you and I have to get it on.
Zoë: [also with a deadpan expression] I understand. We have no choice. Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jayne: [Jayne, who has just begun to enter the dining hall, sees this and gets an uncomfortable look on his face] Now somethin' about that is just downright unsettlin'.
Wash: [as Mal and Zoë get closer to kiss - looking like two teenagers on their first date, Wash steps in grabs Zoë's arm and pulls her to the door of the dining hall] We'll be in our bunk.

Mal: [Mal and Wash are being tortured] Zoë and I, we got a history, and I figure you gotta be asking yourself some fundamental questions as to the nature of that history.
Wash: You never slept with my wife.
Mal: Oh, that a fact? You know that for sure, do ya? You ever ask her?
[they get electrocuted again, Mal keeps after Wash]
Mal: We been together for a long time before you came along, Wash. And she's a damn fine lookin' woman.
Wash: Never happened. Know how I know?
Mal: How? Tell me.
Wash: This whole "captain" thing isn't Zoë's trouble. It's the guy-she-never-slept-with thing. Hell, Mal, I wish you had slept with her. Then at least she'd be over it!
Mal: Oh, you *want* me to sleep with her? Would that make you feel better?
Wash: It might!
Mal: Oh, Imagine it'd do wonders for her, too.
Wash: Screw you!
Mal: Get in line.
[they get zapped again. Mal sees that Wash is fading]
Mal: Okay, Wash. I'm gonna do it. Wash? Wash! Listen, first thing, we get back - Listen to me! First thing when we get back, I'm gonna - I'm gonna take your wife into my bed. I'm gonna get me a piece'a th...
[they both get zapped again]

Mal: Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots... SHUT UP!

Mal: One of you is gonna fall and die and I'm not cleaning it up.

Niska: [sing-songie] Mr. Reynolds...
Mal: [moans]
Niska: You died, Mr. Reynolds.
Mal: Seemed like the thing to do.
Niska: When you die, I can't hurt you any more. And I want two days at least, minimum.

Mal: Okay, um, I'm lost. Uh, I'm angry and I'm armed...

Mal: [Niska hears the alarms while he is torturing Mal] Listen, if you've got guests, I can come back later.

Wash: So, I'm Zoë. Now, what do I do?
Mal: Probably not talk quite so much.
Wash: Right. Less talking. She's terse - I can be terse. Once, in flight school, I was laconic.

Mal: There's plenty orders a'mine that she didn't obey.
Wash: Name one!
Mal: She married you!

Wash: I mean, I'm the one that she swore to love, honor, and obey.
Mal: Listen - She swore to obey?
Wash: Well, no. Not... But that's just my point. You she obeys! She obeys you. There's obeying going on right under my nose!

[last lines]
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Mmmm. Wife soup. I must have done good.
Zoë Washburne: Yes dear. You done good.
Mal: Ow.
[sighs]
Mal: Did you tell her?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Tell her what?
Mal: Your husband has demanded that we sleep together.
Zoë Washburne: Really?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: What? Mal, come on.
Mal: He seems to think it would get all this burning sexual tension out in the open. You know, make a fair fight for your womanly affections.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: No. That was the torture talking. Remember the torture?
Mal: I know it's a diffilcult mission but you and i... have to get it on.
Zoë Washburne: I understand. We have no choice. Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jayne Cobb: Now something about that is just downright unsettling.
[Clattering]
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: We'll be in our bunk.
Jayne Cobb: Oh, hey. Free soup.

Mal: [as Niska cowers] Looks like business ain't runnin' so much as crawlin' away. You wanna meet the real me now?

Niska: [as he tortures Mal] Do you know the writings of Shan Yu ?
Mal: [growls in pain] You starting a book club ?


"Firefly: Heart of Gold (#1.12)" (2003)
Jayne: Don't much see the benefit in gettin' involved in stranger's troubles without a up-front price negotiated.
Shepherd Book: These people need assistance. The benefit wouldn't necessarily be for you.
Jayne: That's what I'm sayin'.
Zoë: No one's gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated, this job is strickly speculative.
Jayne: Good. Don't know these folks, don't much care to.
Mal: They're whores.
Jayne: I'm in.

Mal: Well, lady, I must say, you're my kind of stupid.

Mal: Any friend of Inara's is a strictly business-like relationship of mine.

Mal: Inara, think you can stoop to bein' on my arm?
Inara Serra: Will you wash it first?

Jayne: [over radio] Well, now, girl, that is just plain dirty.
Mal: [into radio] Jayne, you are aware your radio's transmittin'? 'Cause I don't feel particularly girlish or dirty at the moment.

Mal: This is my first mate, Zoë. I'll introduce you to the rest later. They're good folk.
Jayne: Can I start gettin' sexed already?
Mal: Well, that one's kinda horrific.

Mal: Remember, shoot the man, not the horse. Dead horse is cover; live horse great pile of panic.

Mal: You're my kind of stupid.

[after Inara agrees to help a friend of hers]
Inara Serra: I suppose you heard most of that?
Mal: [peeking around the shuttle entrance] Only because I was eavesdropping.

Jayne Cobb: [after refusing to help strangers without pay] I don't know these folk and I don't care to.
Mal: They're whores.
Jayne Cobb: I'm in.


"Firefly: Objects in Space (#1.10)" (2002)
[Mal has just taken one of Jayne's guns from River]
Mal: Fully loaded, safety off. This here is a recipe for unpleasantness.

Mal: Am I dreamin'?
River: We all are.
[Mal rolls his eyes]
River: Don't make faces.

[after River gets a hold of one of Jayne's guns]
Jayne: Let's move this conversation in a not-Jayne's-fault direction. I didn't make her crazy. Hell, I didn't even want 'er on the ship.
Mal: Is that the direction you want this conversation to go in?
Jayne: Just don't wanna take a lashin' for something I ain't the cause of.
Zoë: Where's River at now?
Mal: In her room, which I'm thinking we bolt from the outside from now on.
Wash: That's a little extreme, isn't it?
Jayne: Anybody remember her coming at me with a butcher's knife?
Wash: Wacky fun.
Jayne: You wanna go, little man?
Wash: Only if it's someplace with candlelight.
Zoë: Sir, I know she's unpredictable, but I don't think she'd harm anyone.
Jayne: Butcher's knife!
Zoë: Anyone we can't spare.

Simon: Uh, her-her medications are erratic. There's - there's not one that her system can't eventually break down, and...
Mal: When I want a lot of medical jargon I'll talk to a doctor.
Simon: You are talking to a doctor.

Mal: We're deep in space, corner of No and Where.

Inara Serra: [about Jubal Early] Any chance that shiong-mung duh kwong-run might survive?
[xiong meng de kung ren: violent lunatic]
Mal: Air he had left, I'd say his chance'd be about one in... a very large number.

Mal: How come there's a guy on board and how come you're all of a sudden the ship?
River Tam: I know you have questions
Mal: That would be why I just asked them.

River Tam: Permission to come aboard?
Mal: You know, you ain't quite right
River Tam: It's the popular theory.
Mal: Go on. Get in there. Give your brother a thrashing for messing up your plan.
River Tam: He takes so much looking after.

Zoë Washburne: Where's River at now?
Mal: In her room, which I am thinking we bolt from the outside from now on.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: That's a little extreme, isn't it?
Jayne Cobb: Anybody remember her coming at me with a butcher's knife?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Wacky fun.
Jayne Cobb: You wanna go, little man?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Only if it's someplace with candlelight.
Zoë Washburne: Sir, I know she's unpredictable, but I don't think she'd harm anyone.
Jayne Cobb: Butcher's knife!
Zoë Washburne: Anyone we can't spare.

Jubal Early: You made the right move, darling. Best for you to go home with old Early.
Mal: You think so? Some of us feel differently.


"Firefly: The Message (#1.14)" (2003)
Inara Serra: The Lassiter is universally known. Fencing it is like... fencing the Mona Lisa.
Mal: Well - The Mona who?

Mal: Everybody dies, Tracey. Someone's carryin' a bullet for you right now, doesn't even know it. The trick is, die of old age before it finds you.

Mal: They don't like it when you shoot at 'em. I worked that out myself.

Zoë: First rule of battle, little one, don't ever let them know where you are.
Mal: [comes running in shouting and shooting] Woo-hoo! I'm right here! I'm right here! You want some of this? Yeah, you do! Come on! Come on!
[dives for cover from an explosion]
Mal: Woo-hoo!
Zoë: 'Course there are other schools of thought.

Mal: Using corpses for smuggling is a time honored repulsive custom.
Jayne: Maybe it's gold.
Zoë: And maybe he was a friend of ours and you need to show a little respect.
Jayne: I got respect. I'm just saying...
[points at body]
Jayne: gold!

Mal: You wanna explain to me exactly why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?

Tracey: Do you think I'm stupid?
Mal: In every way possible.

Simon: Captain, I don't mean to
[walks to Tracey with stethoscope]
Simon: ... We may have a medical emergency here. This man appears to be in cardiac arrest.
Mal: What? Tracey, you havin' a heart attack? Don't look like he's havin' a heart attack.

Mal: And you never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life, I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret.


"Firefly: Jaynestown (#1.4)" (2002)
Simon: Canton really stinks.
Mal: That's what makes it such a great drop point. No one comes here that doesn't have to.
Wash: I vote we do this job really, really fast.

Mal: Jayne?
Jayne: Yeah?
Mal: You wanna tell me how come there's a statue of you here lookin' at me like I owe him somethin'?
Jayne: Wishin' I could, Cap'n.

Simon: Mal, I, uh, uh... No, n-n-nothing happened. There was, uh, there was - there was some drinking, but, uh - No-no, we-we certainly didn't - I would never. Not with Kaylee.
Kaylee: What do you mean, not with me?
Mal: Yeah, uh-huh. Where's my hero?

[last lines]
Jayne: Don't make no sense. Wh-Why the hell'd that mudder have to go an do that for, Mal? Jumpin' in front a' that shotgun blast. Hell, there weren't a one of 'em understood what happened out there. They're probably stickin' that statue right back up.
Mal: Most like.
Jayne: I don't know why that eats at me so.
Mal: It's my estimation that every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sommbitch or another. Ain't about you, Jayne. It's about what they need.
Jayne: Don't make no sense.

Mal: This here's all part of our new plan!
[Mal walks away]
Kaylee: Captain, how exactly is this part of our...
Mal: Still workin' the details.

Jayne: I don't know, you think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?
Mal: You better laugh when you say that.
Jayne: No really Mal, I mean maybe there's something to this. The mudders, I think I really made a difference in their lives. Me, Jayne Cobb.
Mal: I know your name, jackass!

Mal: It's my estimation that every man ever got a statue made of 'em was one kinda sombitch or another.


"Firefly: Ariel (#1.8)" (2002)
Mal: The next time you decide to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face.

Jayne: What are you taking this so personal for? It ain't like I ratted you out to the feds!
Mal: Oh, but you did. You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! But since that's a concept you can't seem to wrap your head around then you got no place here! You did it to me, Jayne, and that's a fact.

Mal: Now all we need are a couple of patients.
Dr. Simon Tam: Corpses, actually. For this to work, River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: Huh. I'm startin' to like this plan.

Mal: You could've got off with Shepherd Book at the Bathgate Abbey. Could'a been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden by now.
Jayne: Beats just sittin'.
Wash: It *is* just sitting.

Mal: Hey. How was your thing?
Inara: As advertised, lots of needles and cold exam tables. I heard you had some excitement.
Mal: Oh, nothin' much, lots of runnin' around, a little gunplay, couple needles.

Mal: This is exactly what I didn't want. I wanted simple, I wanted in-and-out, I wanted easy money.
Zoë Washburne: Things always get a little more complicated, don't they, sir?
Mal: Once, just once, I want things to go according to the gorram plan!