Jayne Cobb
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Quotes for
Jayne Cobb (Character)
from "Firefly" (2002)

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Serenity (2005)
Jayne Cobb: Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You had a gorram time bomb living with us! Who we gonna find in there when she wakes up? The girl? Or the weapon?
Dr. Simon Tam: I thought she was getting better.
Jayne Cobb: And I thought they was getting off. Didn't we have an intricate plan on how they was gonna be not here any more?
Kaylee Frye: We couldn't leave them now.
Jayne Cobb: No, now that she's a killer woman, we ought to be bringing her tea and dumplings.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I didn't start this.
Jayne Cobb: No, that's right. Alliance starts the war, and then you volunteer. Battle of Serenity, Mal. Besides Zoe here, how many...
[Mal turns to walk away]
Jayne Cobb: Hey, I'm talking at you! How many men in your platoon came out of there alive?
Zoë: You wanna leave this room.
Jayne Cobb: Damn right, I do.

Jayne Cobb: I won't get et! You shoot me if they take me!
[Mal aims pistol squarely at Jayne]
Jayne Cobb: Well, don't shoot me first!

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I know she meant to kill me 'fore the Doc put her to sleep, which how exactly does that work anyhow?
Dr. Simon Tam: Safeword. The people who helped me break River out - they had intel that River and the other subjects were being embedded with behavioral conditioning. They taught me a safeword, in case... something happened.
Kaylee Frye: Not sure I get it.
Dr. Simon Tam: A phrase that's encoded in her brain, that makes her fall asleep. If I speak the words, "Eta...
Jayne Cobb: Well don't say it!
Zoë: It only works on her, Jayne.
Jayne Cobb: Oh... Well, now I know that.

Jayne Cobb: We're gonna explode? I don't wanna explode!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Jayne, how many weapons you plan on bringing? You only got the two arms.
Jayne Cobb: I just get excitable as to choice- like to have my options open.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: I don't plan on any shooting taking place during this job.
Jayne Cobb: Well, what you plan and what takes place ain't ever exactly been similar.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: No grenades.
[Jayne groans]
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: No grenades!
Zoë: We crashin' again?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Go talk to your husband. Is the mule prepped?
Zoë: Good to go sir. Just loading her up. Are those grenades?
Jayne Cobb: Cap'n doesn't want them.
Zoë: We're robbing the place, we're not occupying it.

Jayne Cobb: What're we expectin' to find here that equals the worth of a turd?

[chased by a Reaver aircraft]
Jayne Cobb: How come they ain't blowin' us out the air?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: They wanna run us down. The up-close kill.
River Tam: They want us alive when they eat us.

Jayne Cobb: She is startin' to damage my calm.
Zoë: Jayne!
Jayne Cobb: She's *right*! Everybody's dead!... This whole world is dead for no reason!

Jayne Cobb: Shiny. Let's be bad guys.

Zoë: Do you really think any of us is gonna get through this?
[looks at the other crew members struggling with their guns]
Jayne Cobb: Well, I might.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Do you want to run this ship?
Jayne Cobb: Yes!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [caught off guard] Well... you can't...

Kaylee Frye: Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Oh, God! I can't *know* that!
Jayne Cobb: I could stand to hear a little more.

Zoë: How much ammo we got left?
Jayne Cobb: Three full mags, and my swinging cod!

Jayne Cobb: Ain't logical. Cuttin' on his own face, rapin' and murdering - Hell, I'll kill a man in a fair fight... or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight, or if he bothers me, or if there's a woman, or if I'm gettin' paid - mostly only when I'm gettin' paid. But these Reavers... last ten years they show up like the bogeyman from stories. Eating people alive? Where's that get fun?

Jayne Cobb: Shepherd Book once said to me, "If you can't do something smart, do something right."

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: So I'm noticing. Is there a problem we don't know of?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You got a sweet take kissing your foot. How about you take your 25% and we can talk about the next job?
Fanty: Well our end is forty, precious.
Jayne Cobb: My muscular buttocks it's forty.

Jayne Cobb: [as Mal's talking to the Vault Guard] MAL!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Every heist he's gotta start yellin' my name!

"Firefly: Serenity (#1.11)" (2002)
Jayne: Here's a little concept I've been working on. Why don't we shoot her first?
Wash: It *is* her turn.

Kaylee: We're taking on passengers at Persephone?
Mal: Yeah, that's the notion. Could use a little respectability on the way to Boros. Not to mention the money.
Jayne: Pain in the ass.
Kaylee: No, it's shiny! I like to meet new people, they've all got stories...
Jayne: Captain, can you stop her from bein' cheerful, please?
Mal: I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse can stop Kaylee from bein' cheerful. Sometimes you just wanna duct-tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.
Kaylee: [kisses Mal's cheek] I love my captain.

Simon: So, does it happen a lot? Government commandeering your ship, telling you where to go?
Mal: That's what governments are for - get in a man's way.
Lawrence Dobson: Well, it's good, if the supplies are needed.
Jayne: We're just happy to be doin' good works.

Mal: Can't get paid if you're dead.
Jayne: Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug neither. I got a share of this job. Ten percent of nothin' is, let me do the math here... nothin' and a nothin', carry the nothin'...

Badger: Crime and politics, little girl. Situation is always... fluid.
Jayne: The only fluid I see here is the puddle of piss refusing to pay us our wage.

Jayne: [to Simon] Little Kaylee here just wishes you was a gynecologist.
[Jayne laughs]
Mal: Jayne, you will keep a civil tongue in that mouth, or I will sew it shut. Is there an understanding between us?
Jayne: You don't pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaylee gets lubed up over some big-city dandy doesn't mean...
Mal: Walk away from this table. Right now.
[Jayne loads his plate with food and leaves]
Simon: What *do* you pay him for?
Mal: What?
Simon: I was just wondering what his job is - on the ship.
Mal: Public relations.

[on merchandise they've just stolen]
Wash: I'd say worth a little risk.
Jayne: Yeah, that was some pretty risky sittin' ya did there.
Wash: That's right, of course. 'Cause they wouldn't arrest me if we got boarded. I'm just the pilot. I could always say that I was flying the ship by accident.

Simon: What business is that exactly?
[pause; Mal turns but doesn't answer]
Simon: I'm a dead man; I can't know? Is it gold?... Drugs? Pirate treasure? What is that makes you so afraid of the Alliance?
Mal: You don't want to go down this road with me, boy.
Simon: Oh, you're not afraid of them? I already know you'd sell me out to them for a pat on the head. Hell, you should probably be working for them. You certainly fit the profil...
[cut off as Mal punches him, knocks him into the wall and floor; Mal stands over him]
Jayne: [sounds cocky] Saw that comin'.

Kaylee: Jayne, open the port jack control,
[nods towards it]
Kaylee: cut the hydraulics.
Jayne: [looks around] Where the hell is it?
Kaylee: [points] Look! Look! Look where I'm pointing!
Kaylee: [Jayne follows her finger to the box] Okay. Now it's real simple.
[Jayne opens the box, revealing a mesh of complex wiring; looking dubious]

Mal: [so only Jayne hears him] Now, you only gotta scare 'im.
Jayne: Pain is scary.
Mal: Just do it right.

Lawrence Dobson: You have any idea how much trouble you're in?
Jayne: Gee, I never been in trouble with the Law before.
Lawrence Dobson: No, not like this you haven't. You think this is just a smuggling rap? The package that boy is carrying...
Jayne: It's a girl. She's cute, too. Except I don't think she's all there, you know? 'Course, not all of her has to be.
Lawrence Dobson: That girl is a precious commodity. They'll come after her. Long after you bury me they'll be coming.
Jayne: Oh,
Jayne: I'm not gonna
[slaps Dobson's thigh with the knife]
Jayne: kill you, Dobson. What's your first name?
Lawrence Dobson: [unsettled; sighs] Lawrence.
Jayne: Lawrence... Ah. I'm just gonna cut on ya till you tell me how much they know.
Lawrence Dobson: [rapid fire] They know everything. Every name, every record - they know how many... nose hairs you've got.
Jayne: [studies his face for a second] Aw, see?
[gets up; disappointed]
Jayne: They don't know a damn thing. It's all over your face. I ain't even... I was gonna get me a ear, too. Aren't you an officer of the law? Well don't they teach you how to withstand interrogation? Can't even tell a damn lie.
Lawrence Dobson: Okay. I can see you're not an idiot.
Jayne: Wish I could say the same, Lawrence, but this is disappointing as hell.
Lawrence Dobson: Let me speak a language you will understand - money. This girl is worth a lot of money. I mean a lot. You kill me, there's nothing. But you help me out... you'll have enough to buy your own ship. A better one than this piece of crap.
Jayne: [quietly] Does helping you out mean turning on the Captain?
Lawrence Dobson: Yes, it does.

Jayne: [standing next to Mal; into radio] Testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: [into radio] You're comin' through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.
Jayne: Yeah, well, but... the transmitter's...

Mal: How come you didn't turn on me, Jayne?
Jayne: Money wasn't good enough.
Mal: What happens when it is?
Jayne: Well... that'll be an interesting day.
Mal: Imagine it will.

Mal: Now I gotta know how close the Alliance is... exactly how much you told them before Wash scrambled your call. So... I've given Jayne here the job of finding out.
Jayne: He was non-specific as to how.

Jayne: I don't understand why we didn't leave that son of a bitch in a pool of his own blood.
Mal: We'd be dead. Can't get paid if your dead.
Jayne: Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug neither. I got a share of this job. 10 percent of nothing is... let me do the math here... nothing, and a nothing...

Jayne Cobb: Ten percent of nothing is, let me do the math here, nothing into nothing, carry the nothin'...
Mal: Mal: Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that.

"Firefly: Jaynestown (#1.4)" (2002)
Jayne: Listen, Mal, I was in Canton a few years back. I might have made me a few enemies thereabouts.
Simon: Enemies? You? No! How can it be?

Mal: Jayne?
Jayne: Yeah?
Mal: You wanna tell me how come there's a statue of you here lookin' at me like I owe him somethin'?
Jayne: Wishin' I could, Cap'n.

Zoë: Is that Jayne? Is that really him? Wash - pinch me, I must be dreamin'.
Jayne Cobb: Ah, hell, I'll pinch ya.

Simon: What happened in here?
Jayne: Needed to find some tape.
Simon: So you had to tear my infirmary apart?
Jayne: Apparently.

[last lines]
Jayne: Don't make no sense. Wh-Why the hell'd that mudder have to go an do that for, Mal? Jumpin' in front a' that shotgun blast. Hell, there weren't a one of 'em understood what happened out there. They're probably stickin' that statue right back up.
Mal: Most like.
Jayne: I don't know why that eats at me so.
Mal: It's my estimation that every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sommbitch or another. Ain't about you, Jayne. It's about what they need.
Jayne: Don't make no sense.

Jayne: [his speech to Jaynestown] Far as I see it, you people been given the shortest end of the stick ever been offered a human soul in this crap-heel 'verse. But you took that end, and you - well, you took it. And that's - Well, I guess that's somethin'.

Jayne: Mmm. They call it Mudder's Milk. All the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus fifteen percent alcohol.
Wash: It's horrific!
Simon: Worked for the Egyptians.
Jayne: What's that?
Simon: The ancient Egyptians, back on Earth-That-Was. It's not so different from the ancestral form of beer they fed to the slaves who built their pyramids. Liquid bread. Kept them from starving, and knocked them out at night, so they wouldn't be inclined to insurrection.
Kaylee: Wow, Simon. That's so... so historical.
Jayne: [to Simon] Tell me, Lil' Miss Big Words. You see a pyramid sittin' out there?
Simon: ...No.
Jayne: Neither do I. So here, let me pour you a big frosty mug of "shut-the-hell-up".

Jayne: Ah, hey! I got an idea. Instead'a us hangin' around playin' art critic 'til I get pitched by The Man, how's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day, how's that?

Jayne: Shake your head, boy. Your eyes are stuck.

Jayne: [visibly moved] My very own riot?

Jayne: So the Magistrate, he let you folks keep all that cash?
Mudder: It pained him, that's for dead sure. When he found out, he sent his prods in to take it back from us. But the workers resisted.
Jayne: [proudly] Fought the law, did you?
Mudder: If the mudders are together on a thing, there's too many of us to put down. So in the end, he just called it a bonus.
Jayne: That's one hell of a bonus.
Mudder: And then when we put that statue of you up in town square, he rolled in, wanted to tear it down, but the whole town rioted.
Jayne: [shocked to the verge of tears] You guys had a riot? On account o' me? My very own riot?
Mudder: I can't believe you're back.
Jayne: [hugging the mudder and his girl] How could I stay away?

Jayne: The living legend needs eggs!

Jayne: I don't know, you think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?
Mal: You better laugh when you say that.
Jayne: No really Mal, I mean maybe there's something to this. The mudders, I think I really made a difference in their lives. Me, Jayne Cobb.
Mal: I know your name, jackass!

Jayne: All of you, you think there's someone just gonna drop money on you? Money they could use? Well there ain't people like that.
Jayne: [He pauses] There's just people like me.

"Firefly: Bushwhacked (#1.2)" (2002)
Zoë Washburne: Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: [alarmed] Oh, my God. What can it be? We're all doomed!
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Who's flying this thing!?
Zoë Washburne: [straight faced]
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Oh right, that would be me. Uh, back to work.
Kaylee: So I guess that makes us one man short.
Jayne: Little Kaylee's always one man short.
[laughs; Kaylee punches his arm lightly]
Jayne: Ow! Hey!

Jayne: Tell you what I think. I figure that fella we run into did everyone on board. Killed 'em all. Then he decided to take a swim, see how fast his blood would boil out his ears.
Wash: You're a very "up" person.

Dr. Simon Tam: [as Simon watches Mal and Zoe put on space suits]
Jayne: Somethin' wrong?
Dr. Simon Tam: [distractedly] Hmm. Oh. No. No, I... Well I suppose it's just the thought of a little..Mylar and glass being the only thing seperating a person from...nothing.
Jayne: It's impressive what "nothing" can do to a man. Like that feller we bumped into. He's likely stuck up under our belly about now.

Jayne: We're sittin' put for a funeral?
Mal: Yes, Jayne. That's exactly what we're gonna do. Not gonna have these people lookin' over my shoulder once we're gone. I ain't sayin' there's any peace to be had, but on the off chance there is, those folks deserve a little of it.
Inara Serra: Just when I think I've got you figured out.

[upon seeing the Survivor, who attacked Jayne earlier]
Dr. Simon Tam: [sarcastically] Oh, yes. He's a real beast! It's a wonder you're still alive.
Jayne: Looked bigger when I couldn't see 'im.

Book: Whatever horror he witnessed, whatever acts of barberism it was done by men, nothing more.
Jayne: Reaver's ain't men.
Book: Of course they are. Too long removed from civilization perhaps, but men. And, I believe there's a power greater than men. A power that heals.
Mal: Reavers might take issue with that philosophy...if they *had* a philosophy...and they weren't too busy gnawing on your insides. Jayne's right. Reavers ain't men. Or they forgot how to be. Come to just nothin'. They got out to the edge of the galaxy, to that place of nothin', and that's what they became.

Jayne: [uneasy] Oh, I ain't goin' over there with them bodies.
[note of fear]
Jayne: No rutting way. Not if reavers messed with 'em.
Zoë: [nonchalant] Jayne - you'll scare the women.

Jayne: You save his gorram life. He still takes the cargo.
[mutters Chinese]
Mal: He had to. Couldn't let us profit. Wouldn't be 'civilized'.

Jayne: If there's folks on board in need of help, why ain't they beaming no distress call?
Zoë Washburne: It's true, there's no beacon.
Mal: Which means it's likely no one's looking to find her.
Book: All the more reason for us to do the right thing.
Jayne: How about you just say a prayer when we slide on by.

Jayne: How about you just say a prayer when we slide on by?
Book: Shall I remind you of the story of the Good Samaritan?
Mal: I'd rather you didn't, but we'll check it out - see if there are survivors. If not, then, well no one's going to mind if we take a look around, see if there's not something of value they might have left behind.
Jayne: Yeah, no, uh, someone could be hurt.

"Firefly: Shindig (#1.6)" (2002)
Jayne: [drinking tea] This ain't bad.
Badger: There's a trick to it. Wood alcohol.
Mal: Now, we're favored guests, treated to the finest in beverages that make you blind.

Kaylee Frye: [pointing to a pink frilly dress] Say, look at the fluffy one!
Zoë Washburne: Too much foofaraw. If I'm going to wear a dress, I'd want something with some slink.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?
Jayne Cobb: I'll chip in.
Zoë Washburne: [to Jayne] I can hurt you.

River Tam: [mimicking Badger's Cockney accent] Sure, I got a secret; more 'n one. Don't seem likely I tell 'em to you, now, do it? Anyone off Titan colony knows better 'n to talk to strangers. You're talkin' loud enough for the both of us, though, ain't ya? I've met a dozen like you. Skipped off-home early. Minor graft jobs here and there. Spent some time in the lockdown, but less than you claim. And you're, what, a petty thief with delusions standing? Sad little king of a sad little hill.
Badger: Nice to see someone from the old homestead.
River Tam: Not really. Call me if anyone interesting shows up.
Badger: I like her.
Jayne: [Whispering to the crew after River leaves] That there - exactly the kind of diversion we could have used.

Jayne: We was just about to spring into action, Captain. Complicated escape and rescue op.
Wash: I was gonna watch. It was very exciting.

Jayne: What we need's a diversion. I say Zoë gets nekked.
Wash: Nope.
Jayne: I could get nekked.
Wash, Dr. Simon Tam: No!

Badger: Won't deal with me direct. He's takin' an irrational dislike.
Jayne: What happened? He see your face?

Kaylee: Look at the pretties!
Wash: What am I looking at, the girls or the clothes?
Jayne: There's girls?
Zoë: The clothes please.

Mal: You backed out of a deal last time. Left us hangin'?
Jayne: Hurt our feelings.
Mal: You recall why that took place?
Badger: Had a problem with your attitude, is why. Felt you was - what's the word?
Jayne: Pretentious?

Jayne: [to the crew, about their plan to take out Badger's people and rescue Mal] Doc is filling Shepherd in on the plan. Doc is the diversion.
Mal: [Entering the ship] Did you ever see such a lazy crew.

"Firefly: The Train Job (#1.1)" (2002)
Jayne: [the three of them are playing Chinese checkers; to Mal] Your move.
[Mal jumps four marbles]
Zoë: That's a bold move.
Mal: I live on the edge.
[Zoe jumps six of his marbles]
Jayne: Nice work dumb-ass.
Mal: [as Zoe chuckles] I've given some thought to moving off the edge. Not an ideal location. Might get a place in the middle.

Zoë: Jayne?
Jayne: Hey, I didn't fight in no war. Best o' luck though.

Jayne: [as Lund raises a gun] Hey, hey, hey, them ain't kosherized rules.
Lund: I'm thinkin' somebody needs to put you down, dog. What do you think?
Mal: I'm thinking we'll rise again.
[Serenity rises into view behind them]
Wash: [over loudspeaker] Every man there go back inside, or we will blow a new crater in this little moon.
[door opens and Jayne, Zoe and Mal run onto the ship; watching the men from the bar retreat inside, Mal waves goodbye as the door closes]
Jayne: Damn yokels, can't even tell a transport ship ain't got no guns on it.
Jayne: 'Blow a new crater in this moon.'

Jayne: What month is it?

Jayne: These are stone killers, little man. They ain't cuddly like me.

Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til ya understand who's in ruttin' command here. Now we're finishing this deal,
[breathing becomes a little more labored]
Jayne: and then maybe, *maybe* we'll come back for those morons who got themselves caught. You can't change that by getting all... bendy.
Wash: All what?
Jayne: [starts swaying] You've got the - the light from the console... keep you, lift you up. They shine like...
[starts grabbing at the air like he's trying to catch something]
Jayne: little angels...
[Jayne falls flat on his face]
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.

Jayne Cobb: Time for some thrilling heroics.

[Jayne takes out Crow with leg shot]
Mal: Nice shot!
Jayne: [sitting on the floor, drugged] I was aiming for his head.

Kaylee: [about Simon] You shouldn't be so rude to him.
Jayne: Why? Cause he's all rich and fanciable?

"Firefly: Out of Gas (#1.5)" (2002)
Jayne: Now, I-nara, she's gotta have some funny whorin' stories, I'd wager.
Inara: Oh, do I ever. Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will.

Mal: Looks can be deceiving.
Jayne: Not as deceiving as a low down, dirty... deceiver.
Mal: Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoë?
Zoë Washburne: It had a kinda poetry to it, sir.

Jayne: Hey, you know, we'd have been back first, 'cept there's somethin' wrong with 'Nara's shuttle. She done somethin' to it, Mal. It smells funny.
Inara: I told you, that's incense.
Jayne: So you say.

Kaylee: Well, Shepherd told us a funny story about being a preacher. Now you tell us a funny story about being a doctor.
Dr. Simon Tam: Ah, a funny story.
Jayne: Yeah, cus sick people are hi-lar-ious.

Mal: Not if all you're gonna do is sit around here and whinge about it, no.
Wash: What do you expect me to do, Mal?
Mal: Whatever you have to. And if you can't do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat...
Wash: And what? Wave my arms around?
Mal: Wave your arms around, jump up and down, divert the nav sats to the transmitter... whatever.
Wash: Divert the... - right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die!
Mal: It'd give the beacon a boost, wouldn't it?
Wash: Yes, Mal, it would boost the signal, but even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation.
Mal: Could be that's true.
Wash: Damn right it's true. They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go anyplace... well, maybe I should do that, then!
Mal: Maybe you should!
Wash: Okay!
Mal: Good!
Wash: Fine!
Jayne: Hey! What you two think you're doing? Fightin' at a time like this? You'll use up all the air.

Jayne: Tell us where the stuff's at, so I can shoot ya.
Mal: Point of interest? Offering to shoot us might not work so well as an incentive as you might imagine.

Mal: Does that seem low to you?
Zoë Washburne: It does, sir.
Jayne: [angrily] That ain't low.
Marco: Stop it!
Jayne: Seven percent's standard.
Mal: [laughing] Okay. Zoë, I'm payin' you too much.
Jayne: Why? What does she get?
Marco: Knock it off!
Mal: Look, forget I said anything. I'm sure you're treated very well. You get the perks, got your own room... No? You share a bunk?

Inara: I don't discuss my clients.
Jayne: Aww, come on, Inara. Who'd know?
Inara: You.
Inara: A Companion doesn't kiss and tell.
Mal: So there is kissing?

Mal: How much they payin' you?
Jayne: Huh?
Mal: I mean, let's say you did kill us... or didn't... there could be torture, whatever. But somehow, you found the goods. What would your cut be?
Jayne: [proudly] Seven percent, straight off the top.
Mal: Seven. Oh.
Jayne: What?
Mal: Hmm? Nothin'. Not a thing. No. I just -
[to Zoë]
Mal: Does that seem low to you?
Zoë Washburne: It does, sir.
Jayne: [angrily] That ain't low.
Marco: Stop it!
Jayne: [in denial] Seven percent's standard.
Mal: [laughing] Okay. Zoë, I'm payin' you too much.
Jayne: Why? What does she get?
Marco: Knock it off!
Mal: Look, forget I said anything. I'm sure you're treated very well. You get the perks, got your own room...
Mal: No? You share a bunk?

"Firefly: Ariel (#1.8)" (2002)
Wash: So... two days in a hospital. That's awful. Don't you just hate doctors?
Simon: Hey.
Wash: I mean, present company excluded.
Jayne: Let's not be excluding people. That'd be rude.

Jayne: What are you taking this so personal for? It ain't like I ratted you out to the feds!
Mal: Oh, but you did. You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! But since that's a concept you can't seem to wrap your head around then you got no place here! You did it to me, Jayne, and that's a fact.

Mal: Now, all we need are a couple of patients.
Dr. Simon Tam: Corpses, actually. For this to work, River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: Huh. I'm startin' to like this plan.

Mal: You could've got off with Shepherd Book at the Bathgate Abbey. Could'a been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden by now.
Jayne: Beats just sittin'.
Wash: It *is* just sitting.

[Simon prepares some bad rice]
River: I don't want it.
Simon: River, you have to eat. It's good. It tastes like...
[Simon samples rice and grimaces]
Simon: It's good.
Jayne: It smells like crotch.

Jayne Cobb: Aw, hell, if I had wanted schooling, I would have gone to school.

[Simon examines River with the neuro-imager]
Simon: They opened up her skull. That's a scalpel scar, they, they opened up her skull and they cut into her *brain*.
Jayne: Why?
Simon: The only reason to make an incision in someone's brain is to lobotomize them, to go in and remove damaged tissue. Why anyone would cut into a healthy brain, is...
[he looks further]
Simon: [horrified] They did it over... and over. They stripped her amygdala.
Jayne: Her what?
Simon: You know uh, you know how you get... scared, or, or worried or nervous when you don't want to be scared or worried or nervous; you push it to the back of your mind, you try not to think about it. Your amygdala is what lets you do that, it's like a, a filter in your brain that keeps your feelings in check... She feels *everything*, she can't not.

Mal: You called the feds.
Jayne: What? I got pinched!
Mal: Which is what happens when you call the feds.
Jayne: No, I would never do that, my hand to God, may he strike me down as I'm standing here.
Mal: Well, you won't be standing there long.

"Firefly: Objects in Space (#1.10)" (2002)
[after River gets a hold of one of Jayne's guns]
Jayne: Let's move this conversation in a not-Jayne's-fault direction. I didn't make her crazy. Hell, I didn't even want 'er on the ship.
Mal: Is that the direction you want this conversation to go in?
Jayne: Just don't wanna take a lashin' for something I ain't the cause of.
Zoë: Where's River at now?
Mal: In her room, which I'm thinking we bolt from the outside from now on.
Wash: That's a little extreme, isn't it?
Jayne: Anybody remember her coming at me with a butcher's knife?
Wash: Wacky fun.
Jayne: You wanna go, little man?
Wash: Only if it's someplace with candlelight.
Zoë: Sir, I know she's unpredictable, but I don't think she'd harm anyone.
Jayne: Butcher's knife!
Zoë: Anyone we can't spare.

Jayne: And if wishes were horses, we'd all be eatin' steak.

Jayne: Well, I don't like the idea of someone hearin' what I'm thinkin'.
Inara Serra: No one likes the idea of hearing what you're thinking.

Jayne Cobb: So like, never?
Book: Well, no.
Jayne Cobb: Not ever never?
Book: Some orders allow Shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path.
Jayne Cobb: But, I mean, you still got the urge. They don't... cut it off, or nothin'?
Book: Mm, no, I'm more or less intact. I just... direct my energy elsewhere.
Jayne Cobb: You mean like masturbatin'?
Book: I hope you're not thinking of taking orders yourself.
Jayne Cobb: Oh, yeah, that'll be the day.

Jayne Cobb: It ain't impossible! Saint Jayne, it's got a ring to it.
Book: I'm just trying to remember how many miracles you've performed.
Jayne Cobb: I once hit a guy in the neck from 500 yards with a bent scope. Don't that count upstairs?
Book: Oh, it'll be taken into consideration.
Jayne Cobb: You made that sound kinda ominous.

Jayne Cobb: Wha - are you-are you sayin' she's a witch?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the Beast.
Jayne Cobb: She's in Congress?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious.

Book: I just feel such a fool.
Jayne: Yeah. All them years of priest trainin', get taken out by one bounty hunter.

Zoë Washburne: Where's River at now?
Mal: In her room, which I am thinking we bolt from the outside from now on.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: That's a little extreme, isn't it?
Jayne Cobb: Anybody remember her coming at me with a butcher's knife?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Wacky fun.
Jayne Cobb: You wanna go, little man?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Only if it's someplace with candlelight.
Zoë Washburne: Sir, I know she's unpredictable, but I don't think she'd harm anyone.
Jayne Cobb: Butcher's knife!
Zoë Washburne: Anyone we can't spare.

"Firefly: Our Mrs. Reynolds (#1.3)" (2002)
[Jayne is walking menacingly towards Mal with a large gun]
Jayne: Six men came to kill me one time. And the best of 'em carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock. Customized trigger, double cartridge thorough gauge. It is my very favorite gun.
[he holds the gun out to Mal]
Mal: [exclaims in Chinese] You offering me a trade?
Jayne: A trade? Hell, it's theft. This the best gun made by man. It has *extreme* sentimental value. It's miles more worthy 'n what you got!
Mal: What I got? She has a name.
Jayne: So does this. I call it Vera.
Mal: Well, my days of not takin' ya seriously are certainly comin' to a middle.

Saffron: I'm sorry that I shame you.
Mal: You don't shame me! Zoë, would you get Wash.
Zoë: [Over the PA system] This is Zoë. We need all personnel in the cargo bay.
Mal: All? I said Wash!
Zoë: Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss.
Mal: There's-there's no bliss! I don't know this girl.
Jayne Cobb: Then can I know her?

Bandit: [robbing a couple on a floating wagon] You gonna give us what's due us and every damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe you gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the misses.
Jayne: Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.
Mal: [in disguise in a dress and large bonnet] How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you purtier, I would.
Mal: [gasps] You are not the man I met a year ago.
[Mal and Jayne pull their guns on the unsuspecting bandits]
Mal: Now, think real hard. You've been birddoggin' this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now, you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear, by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.

Kaylee: It was your big makeout session that got us into this, sir.
Mal: I was poisoned!
Inara: You were drugged.
Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.

Jayne: [to his gun] See Vera? Dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun.

Mal: How drunk was I last night?
Jayne: I don't know, I passed out.

"Firefly: War Stories (#1.9)" (2002)
[repeated line]
Jayne: I'll be in my bunk.

Book: Oh, my.
Kaylee: Oh, gosh, I - I-I knew she took female clients, I just... They look so glamourous together.
Jayne: [beat] I'll be in my bunk.

Wash: But these apples are healthsome and good.
Jayne: Yeah, grenades cost extra.

[last lines]
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Mmmm. Wife soup. I must have done good.
Zoë Washburne: Yes, dear. You done good.
Mal: Ow.
Mal: Did you tell her?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: Tell her what?
Mal: Your husband has demanded that we sleep together.
Zoë Washburne: Really?
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: What? Mal, come on.
Mal: He seems to think it would get all this burning sexual tension out in the open. You know, make a fair fight for your womanly affections.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: No. That was the torture talking. Remember the torture?
Mal: I know it's a difficult mission but you and I... have to get it on.
Zoë Washburne: I understand. We have no choice.
Zoë Washburne: Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jayne Cobb: Now, something about that is just downright unsettling.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: We'll be in our bunk.
Jayne Cobb: Oh, hey. Free soup.

Jayne Cobb: I'm smellin' a lotta 'if' comin' off this plan.
Zoë Washburne: You could'a stayed in your bunk.
Jayne Cobb: Could'a, should'a, would'a.
[cocks rifle]

Zoë Washburne: We're getting him back.
Jayne: What are we gonna do - clone him?
Dr. Simon Tam: Well, it's a clean cut. With the right equipment, I should be able to re-attach it. That's assuming there's a head.

"Firefly: Heart of Gold (#1.12)" (2003)
Jayne: Don't much see the benefit in gettin' involved in stranger's troubles without a up-front price negotiated.
Shepherd Book: These people need assistance. The benefit wouldn't necessarily be for you.
Jayne: That's what I'm sayin'.
Zoë: No one's gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated, this job is strickly speculative.
Jayne: Good. Don't know these folks, don't much care to.
Mal: They're whores.
Jayne: I'm in.

Jayne: Mal! Looks like we got some imminent violence!

Jayne: Whoo! My John Thomas is about to pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty in here.
Wash: Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.

Jayne: [over radio] Well, now, girl, that is just plain dirty.
Mal: [into radio] Jayne, you are aware your radio's transmittin'? 'Cause I don't feel particularly girlish or dirty at the moment.

Mal: This is my first mate, Zoë. I'll introduce you to the rest later. They're good folk.
Jayne: Can I start gettin' sexed already?
Mal: Well, that one's kinda horrific.

"Firefly: The Message (#1.14)" (2003)
Jayne: [about his mother's homemade hat] How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don't you think?

River Tam: My food is problematic.
Jayne Cobb: Girl's a mind-readin' genius, can't even figure out how to eat an ice-planet.

Jayne: What'd y'all order a dead guy for?

Mal: Using corpses for smuggling is a time honored repulsive custom.
Jayne: Maybe it's gold.
Zoë: And maybe he was a friend of ours and you need to show a little respect.
Jayne: I got respect. I'm just saying...
[points at body]
Jayne: gold!

"Firefly: Trash (#1.13)" (2003)
Jayne: Well, as a rule, I say girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
River: Jayne is a girl's name.
Jayne: Well, Jayne ain't a girl! If she starts in on that girl's name thing, I'll show her good and all I got man parts.
Simon: I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just... It's not coming.

Jayne Cobb: [to Simon] The Captain says you're to stay put. Doesn't want you to fun afoul of his blushing, psychotic bride. If she figures out who you are, she'll turn you in 'fore you can say, "Don't turn me in... lady."

Jayne: That's crazy talk.
Simon: Then let's talk crazy.

"Firefly: Safe (#1.7)" (2002)
Mal: You know, they walk just as easy if you lead 'em.
Jayne: I like smackin' 'em.

[flipping through Simon's journal]
Jayne: "Dear diary: Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hill folk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."

Zoë: Badger just hailed us. Gettin' impatient for his share. Wants us to drop it to his men on the Kowlan Fed Base.
Jayne: That'd be a hell of a lot easier to do without the two most wanted on board. Life would look to be simpler us not carrying fugies.
Zoë: He is right, you know.
Mal: Yeah. Simpler.