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Quotes for
Ali G (Character)
from Ali G Indahouse (2002)

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Ali G Indahouse (2002)
Ali G: Jezzy, iz you wearing green? I knew it - you iz defected to the Iver 'Eath posse, innit? Come on - let's stab him!
Jezzy F: No, no - wait! Me mum, yeah, she put me yellow top in the wash with me brother's blue football socks even though they ain't colourfast.
Ali G: All right. But you tell that slag, that in the ghetto, washing non-colourfast synthetics at 60 degrees could cost you your life...

David Carlton: Tell me, Ali, do you have a job?
Ali G: Unfortunately, I iz recently gone on the dole...
David Carlton: Really? When?
Ali G: Eight years and three months ago.
David Carlton: Says here you claim disability benefit, are you...?
Ali G: Yes, I iz actually spasticated. I iz got a terrible DJ'ing injury - I still ain't got full mobility in me main mixing finger...
[starts to air-mix, winces, feigns pain, and stops. Notices Carlton's fit secretary looking at him, so he points to his crotch]
Ali G: Everything down there's still working, though! Oh, yes...

Ali G: BELONG? That's a very sexist way to talk about these bitches!

Ali G: You wanna know 'ow I make diz country bettah? Iz simple, two words: keep it real!
Cabinet M.P.: That's three words!
Ali G: Don't be a spannah, it ain't a real word. It's short for innit, innit?

Ali G: R.E.S.T.E.C.P! Do ya even know wha it spellz?
Cabinet M.P.: Restecp?
Ali G: Yes, Restecp. 'Owz anyone out there meant to restecp each otha? If you lot in 'ere, don't even start restecpa-ing one another.

Ali G: If you iz watching dis in da UK, you may remember me from da telly. If you iz in Belgium... you iz living in a shit hole.

Ali G: He iz a criminal! And not even da good type wot deals drugs and does drive bys.

Ali G: And I put it to YOU... that you sucked off a 'orse.

Ali G: Dat's no prozzie, dat's me ho!

Ali G: A man more eviler than Skeletor.

Ali G: Crack cocaine iz destroyin' our community, so when a bruva makes it through, he deserves our respect. So, let's big it up for me main man Darren, who has been off da crack now for eight years!
Darren: Eight years and three quarters.
Ali G: Whateva!

Ali G: Sorry I iz late, bu dere was a documentry on about monkeys.

Ali G: Me Julie, will you make me the happiest guy in the world?
Me Julie: Yes, Ali. Yes I will.
Ali G: Good. Let me shag her, then!

[Awarding a Cub scout a new badge]
Ali G: Soon you will big-up to Tyrone's level. Tyrone, if you keeps getting any better, we're gonna have to do your pubes, aiii.
Cub scout: I don't have any.
Ali G: Well I'ze got millions.

David Carlton: As from 12 o'clock all rizla's will be free. To discourage their use, there will be a 25p-per-pound levy on panties. This will exclude thongs. Marijuana will be available on the NHS to treat chronic diseases such as ichy scrot. Furthermore I am a bell end...
Ali G: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!
David Carlton: Prime minister, I really can't be expected to...
Prime Minister: Go on now, David!
David Carlton: [Looking annoyed] I like to take it up the batty. It is me favourite. I used to be a girl and wear knicks, honest. Ask me mum!

Ali G: I'm not Ali A, not Ali B, Ali C, Ali D, Ali E, Ali F... but... Ali G!

Ali G: We is gunna hire the A-team.

Ali G: Talk to the hand, 'cos the face ain't listening.

David Carlton: [to Ali] Have you ever considered becoming a member of parliament?
Ali G: What me wanna do that for? It's full of pricks.
David Carlton: That's a little harsh. I'm an MP, am I a prick?
Ali G: Yes.

[repeated line]
Ali G: Batty boy!

[repeated line]
Ali G: Wicked!

Spyz (2003)
Ali G: Thanks.
Hostage: Before you leave me, I didn't catch your name?
Ali G: Me name is James Bond. James... Bond.

Ali G: Where's the bomb? The bomb that's gonna blow up everything? Where's the bomb? Oh there it is.

Wife: Where do you think you're going?
Ali G: To see a man about a dog.
Wife: No you're not, what have you got that gun for?
Ali G: Cause I ain't gonna see a man about a dog. I is gonna go and see a bomb that is gonna blow up the world, innit?

Ali G: [On the phone] What is it? I is in the middle of having sex. It better be important.
Ali G: Wow, that is fucking important. What, there is a bomb? In a nuclear plant? That could mean the end of the world. Alright, I just gotta finish meself off.

Ali G: [while having sex with a female spy, his cell phone rings] What is it? I is in da middle of havin' sex. It betta be important!
[pause, he's still having sex]
Ali G: Wow. That is fucking important!

Ali G: Easy now! You was spying on me. I is gonna teach you to not spy on me... while bonin' you.

"Da Ali G Show: Law (#1.1)" (2003)
Ali G: There has been enough sadness since the terrible events of 7-11.

[At the Philadelphia Police Academy]
Officer Brinkman: You know what a burglary is?
Ali G: For real, I has done a couple.
Officer Brinkman: OK.

Officer Brinkman: Tell him to put his hands up.
Ali G: [over the loudspeaker] Yo! Yo, mofo! Put up your 'ands, or you is gonna be shot by us!
Officer Brinkman: OK, tell him you see the gun.
Ali G: I can see the motherfucking gun. Put them up!
Officer Brinkman: You can't curse, you can't curse.
Ali G: You can't curse!

Sgt. Thomas Hyers: And that completes Cop 101 here at the Philadelphia Police Academy. How'd it go, what'd you think?
Ali G: [shaking hands with him] Respect. Do you think I could make a good cop?
Sgt. Thomas Hyers: Er, probably not.

Ali G: What is legal?
Richard Thornburgh: Well, I think most conduct that all of us engage in on a day-to-day basis is legal.
Ali G: So what is illegal?
Richard Thornburgh: What is illegal is what the elected representatives of the people define as crimes.
Ali G: What is barely legal?
Richard Thornburgh: Well, that's when you get into technicalities and that's why you have trials.
Ali G: Cos me saw this film called Barely Legal 3 and it was about these two naughty college girls, and them 'adn't done their 'omework, and then as punishment they had to have a three-header with their supervisor, this teacher. Is that to do with the law?
Richard Thornburgh: Uhhh... It's hard to say. That would probably be governed by the rules of the institution, the college.
Ali G: Yo, well, in this institution it was very strict rule that if you didn't do your 'omework you would get boned.
Richard Thornburgh: Right. Well, that's a law of sorts.
Ali G: Yo. Well, it's a well good law. Has you seen that film?
Richard Thornburgh: Yes - No, I haven't.
Ali G: You should check it out.
Richard Thornburgh: [laughing] I will now because you've recommended it.
Ali G: Yo. I mean, it's well good, it's like...
Richard Thornburgh: Barely Legal?
Ali G: Barely Legal 3.
Richard Thornburgh: 3, OK. Good.

"Da Ali G Show: Respek (#2.1)" (2004)
[Ali G is showing a producer his version of James Bond, which shows him saving a girl from some thugs and then having sex with her]
Girl: By the way, I didn't get your name.
Ali G: The name be James Bond, 'JAMES' Bond.

Ali G: What was it like being the head of the NYPD?
Daryl Gates: Not NY, LAPD.
Ali G: Well, you say tomato, I say potato.

Ali G: I don't know if you know this, but dolphins ain't fish. They is like us, they is mammaries.

Ali G: So, if this show teach you anything, it should teach you how to respek everyone: animals, children, bitches, spazmos, mingers, lezzers, fatty boombahs, and even gaylords. So, to all you lot watching this, but mainly to the normal people, respek. West side.

Ali G: So what does ATF stand for?
ATF trainer: Alcohol, tobacco, firearms and explosives.
Ali G: And what else does you sell?

"Da Ali G Show: Realness (#2.6)" (2004)
Ali G: Is it 'cos I is black?

Ali G: One time when me was high, me sold me car for like 24 chicken McNuggets.

Ali G: With men and women, does you think that men should marry only one woman? Does you believe in mahogany?

Ali G: Easynow. If you ain't careful, sex can lead to some terrible things: herpes, squat rot, or even worse, something called a relationship.

"Da Ali G Show: War (#1.2)" (2003)
Ali G: Is Disneyland a member of the UN?

Ali G: Let's talk about some conspiracy things. Let's go back to the grassy knoll. Who actually shot J.R.?

Boutros Boutros-Ghali: I am Boutros Boutros-Ghali / Put down your gun and listen to...
Ali G: Bob Marley.
Boutros Boutros-Ghali: ...Bob Marley!

Ali G: So does Jesus really exist, or is he just your father dressed up?

"Da Ali G Show: Science (#1.5)" (2003)
Ali G: Is the brain's memory any good?
Dr. C. Everett Koop: The brain's memory is perfect.
Ali G: Then how come I can't remember me pin number?
Dr. C. Everett Koop: Well...
Ali G: I think it's got like a "4" in it...
Dr. C. Everett Koop: I can give you a quick answer and say you're stupid.
Ali G: Well, that obviously ain't the real reason.
Dr. C. Everett Koop: Well, it's the beginning of truth.

[discussing Jesus Christ]
Ali G: What day is he meant to have been born on?
Catholic Priest: We celebrate his birth on the Twenty-Fifth of December.
Ali G: Ain't that a coincidence that he was born on Christmas Day?
Catholic Priest: No...

[discussing Jesus Christ]
Ali G: Is it true that he was born in a stable?
Catholic Priest: It's possible he was born in those kind of simple circumstances. No room in the inn, and--
Ali G: No room in the...well, that's because it was Christmas, innit it?

"Da Ali G Show: Art (#1.4)" (2003)
[in an interview with astronaut Buzz Aldrin]
Ali G: You better learn about these things from my man Buzz Lightyear here.

Ali G: But what harm has violence ever done?
Media analyst: Oh... death!
Ali G: Yeah, but apart from that.

"Da Ali G Show: Jah (#2.5)" (2004)
Ali G: And what date does you hold the Fourth of July on?

Ali G: Sex. You has probably heard the word out there. And some of you probably know what it means. For those of you who don't, it means boning. But with boning comes responsi-lib-ity.

"Da Ali G Show: Politics (#1.3)" (2003)
[to a D.E.A. officer]
Ali G: What is the different types of hasch out there? We all know that it's called the bionic, the bomb, the puff, the blow, the black, the herb, the sensie, the cronic, the sweet Mary Jane, the shit, Ganja, split, reefa, the bad, the buddha, the home grown, the ill, the maui-maui, the method, pot, lethal turbo, tie, shake, skunk, stress, whacky, weed, glaze, the boot, dimebag, Scooby Doo, bob, bogey, back yard boogie. But what is the other terms for it?